#I've avoided thinking about this because it drives her into a dark place
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faults | peter parker
summary: peter's a nice guy, you liked him. key word being liked.
warning: non-con, slut-shaming (no nsfw/smut)
pairing: dark!peter x fem!reader
word count: 1.4k+ words (i've never done dark!peter before, just playing around with the idea)
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this can technically be read as either a 2nd part to this, or a stand-alone!
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(first person)
loud music drummed in my ears as narrowly avoided people. if i'm being honest, i'm not quite sure why i agreed to this in the first place.
aliyah, my best friend of seven years, was dead-set on planning a party for me. what type of person would i be to let her down like that? so naturally, i agreed, right?
only now was i regretting this.
the thing is, when she said "party", i thought she meant a couple people. maybe some school friends. i thought that spencer, this guy i just recently started going out with would be there too, but he's just ghosted me. like completely.
i haven't heard from him or anything, sucks, kinda.
...peter. he'd was coming, too.
i wasn't sure what was going on between us. it was subtle flirting, and i thought it was platonic. don't get me wrong, i really did like him at first, but now i'm not sure.
yeah, he's hot. but also not my type. granted, i don't really have a type, though i do think we'd be better off as friends. also, he wasn't the same as he used to be. and i know something's changed, even if i can't pinpoint what it is.
but lately, i'm not sure if we're on the same page about that. everyone thinks we're dating, because apparently you can't be just friends with a guy.
i'm genuinely unsure how to break that to him.
we did try one date, if you could even call it that. peter took me to the movies, but he never quite clarified what it was.
technically, i was a minor at that time, so maybe it was a friendly thing.
it didn't matter though, i told him that i wasn't interested in him. also... spencer, right?
spencer was a guy i'd been talking to, and i won't lie, he's pretty cute.
i don't know. i try not to think about it because it makes my brain hurt. so, uh, yeah. that's that.
lost in my ever loving train of thoughts, i wasn't watching where i was going, and i ran into someone.
not just someone.
peter, of all people. the one guy i was trying to avoid.
lovely. absolutely lovely.
"heyyy, birthday girl! how's the party?"
"uh. yeah, it's... awesome," i winced.
"not your scene? okay, but, like, bright side?" he paused, as if he were waiting for me to say something, but when i didn't, he continued. "you're a legal adult! not a minor anymore, right?"
he had this unusual twinkle in his eye, like there was more to unpack. peter pulled me close to him, chugging wherever it was in the red solo cup he had in his hand.
pete's hand... was lower than comfortable, but i figured it was best not to say anything.
it was obvious he was totally out of it, and i inhaled sharply at the sharp stench of alcohol.
"wanna get out of here?" he asked, gripping me harder.
"um..." i wasn't sure what he was implying, because he literally could. not. take me anywhere.
"c'mon."
"wait, i—"
too late. i was already being dragged out the door. pete brought me out in front of his car... well, his old truck.
"no, no, no. you're way too drunk to drive, peter. you aren't taking me anywhere."
he groaned, rolling his eyes. "buzzkill."
i inhaled sharply, stopping myself from getting upset. he wouldn't normally do something like this... right?
"all right, fine, fine," he slurred. "h-how about... ooh! let's go to my place!"
i hesitated, unsure of how comfortable i felt with that. especially since he'd been so weird, with all the touching. i knew that he didn't live in a dorm and—
wait, what?
no, no. peter and i were friends, and i could trust him, right? it could have been the alcohol that was making the edges of my brain turn fuzzy, but i finally agreed.
"um, okay."
"mm. it's like..." pete hiccuped, and mentally facepalmed. "somewhere here."
"you're lucky i know the way, dummy." i said, smacking his head. he did nothing but grin back at me.
we walked in silence, or i did really, while he babbled on about the most random things. i didn't mind it, considering he was drunk.
it was chilly outside, and the cold air nipped at my skin, making me shiver. peter must have noticed this, because he swung a hand over my shoulders, lazily pulling me close.
i thought it best not to say anything, and also, he was warm. so, i guess i wasn't complaining all that much.
eventually, we got to his place. he fumbled with the keys, trying to shove it into the lock. unsuccessfully, might i add.
getting tired, i took them from him, unlocking the door.
"there we go." i pushed him inside, shutting the door behind me. "how about we get you come water?" peter didn't argue as i pulled open a cabinet, grabbing a cup. i filled it up with water for him and handed it over.
"drink it. all of it."
"yes, mom."
it seemed like that helped him sober up slightly, and i flopped down on the couch. that party had exhausted me altogether. peter was quiet as he sat down next to me, rubbing his eyes.
he looked over at me, but i kept my eyes fixed at the tv in front. i was flipping though channels, trying to find something good.
"look at me," he whispered.
i sucked in a breath, turning my head to do so, "yeah?"
and then, that's when it happened. so quickly and roughly, i didn't even register it. because one second we were face to face, and the next, he was grabbing my face, kissing me.
instantly, i pulled away, looking at him in horror. "what the fuck, peter? you can't— you can't do that!"
"do what?" he stared dumbly.
i just blinked at him, confused. "i..."
he kissed me, without consent. that wasn't okay, right? peter just looked at me, raising an eyebrow. was this because he was drunk?
"well, i- you just kissed me?"
"so? i thought you were chill. besides, you were basically asking for this."
what did he mean? asking for it? i wasn't asking for anything. i didn't even like him like that, and i thought he knew that. well, i mean, i was pretty sure. kind of.
"b-but i wasn't." i was trying to make my voice more firm, but it probably (most likely) sounded very pathetic. clearing my throat, i tried again, "peter, i don't like you that way. as a friend, of course, but not... not more than that. this one time it's okay, since i guess it's also on me for not making that clear."
"don't like me that way? are you serious?"
"well-"
"you come around, to my house, dressed in that, and you expect me to think we're just friends? i did you the favor of waiting until you were 'of legal age' and all that crap, so what the fuck are you on about?"
"pe-"
"you've literally been sleazing around like a slut, practically begging for attention."
no, he was reading this wrong. i met him at the cafe i worked at, and we hit it off. as friends. besides, he was older than me. well, not by much, but still. and what did he mean by "slut"? it was my birthday party! that i didn't even want to be at! peter was the one who invited me here, right?
"and, on top of that, you've been leading me on. now that's fucked up."
"leading-? yes, okay, maybe a little. and- and i'm really sorry about that, but-" i backed up into the couch, trying to move away from him.
"i love you, y/n/n. and," he scoffed, "and i can treat you way better then any of these other guys."
love? he loves me? how- we've only known each other for a couple months.
i thought, if anything, this was platonic flirting. was this really my fault?
"i think i should go, peter, we can talk later." i was uncomfortable now. no, past that.
i was scared.
peter was scaring me.
"i'm not into you, and i'm-"
"seeing that other guy?" he finished. "what was his name, again? spencer? ever wonder what happened to him?" there was a dangerous look in his eye, and that's all it took for me to understand.
"oh my god, what did you do?"
"what i needed to," peter pinned my hands above the wall, "i was gonna wait, and do this the nice way, but you've left me with no choice."
"no, please, peter," i choked out, tears streaming down my face.
"this is your fault, y/n."
and it must have been. i hurt him, so this was only fair.
right?
taglist!
@whatsupstark
#tom holland x reader#tom holland#peter parker#spiderman#peter parker x you#peter parker x reader#fluff#angst#tom holland x you#peter parker imagine#dark!peter parker#dark!fic#tw noncon#dark!peter x reader#dark!peter parker x reader
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Would hwr reader be the cool wine aunt? (I can see her accidentally getting drunk off wine thinking it was grape juice or non alcoholic, then chrollo having to supervise her the whole night lol)
anon ... are you a secret telepath because i've considered so many variations of this exact scenario.
for some context on HWR reader's abysmal alcohol tolerance — certain bloodlines from her home country hailed from the dark continent. they could temporarily boost their abilities, whether it be the five senses, strength, or speed, at the cost of enduring excruciating pain once the burst ends. a peculiar side effect owing to this constitution is that those who possess it are extremely sensitive to psychoactive substances. so, understandably, she takes great care in avoiding anything that could land her in a precarious position.
the common language in hxh isn't her native tongue, so if a word or term is obscure enough, all bets are off. for instance, in the earlier days when she just joined the troupe, paku once offered her a nightcap. HWR reader accepted. imagine her confusion when she was presented with a drink. it didn't look like any hat she'd seen before. the troupe greatly perplexed her at first.
the scenario you proposed has definitely happened before. here's the basic rundown:
her and chrollo were staking out an event under the pretense of being guests. a wandering waiter offered her a drink from his tray. it wasn't held in a champagne chute, martini glass, or the like, there was no indication to the beverage's true nature. she inquired over the ingredients. the waiter listed off what made up the concoction. the name of the hard liquor went over her head, it was the lovechild of a recent startup the event's owner had invested in to 'diversify his investment portfolio.'
it lacked the bitter tang commonly associated with alcohol. it was slightly sweet with a tarte aftertaste.
whilst sipping away and fraternizing with the other attendees, chrollo reappeared. he'd been piecing together a mental blueprint of the estate for later use. he easily integrated back into the social scene, almost as if he'd never left in the first place. before he'd even reentered the grand reception area, he'd caught onto a fluctuation in HWR reader's impeccable aura. while not an outright cause for alarm, he found it odd.
(some not SFW beneath the cut)
although he hid it well, he was genuinely surprised to see his normally abstinent lover indulging herself. she was critiquing the research of two gentlemen who had been not so subtly flaunting their game-changing findings the entire evening. the men appeared scandalized as she pointed out inconsistencies in their data and the like. he swooped in only when it became evident the men were about to raise a fuss, smoothly excusing him and his increasingly irate date.
he could roughly guess how this predicament came to be. he explained to her in a low and steady voice that this drink actually has a high alcohol concentration. it took a moment for her impaired cognition to catch up with his words. when the realization hit, however, she was not enthused.
by the time they'd made it back to their 'borrowed' vehicle, her legs were unsteady. there was a thin glaze over her eyes, like she was only half-present. on the drive back to the hotel, she'd randomly continue her earlier critique in an incomprehensive murmur. he never knew poorly falsified data was such an unforgivable slight in her eyes.
chrollo was growing increasingly intrigued by this unfiltered version of his otherwise prim and proper girlfriend. did he feel bad that she ended up in this position? kinda, but he wouldn't let anything happen to her. or, to be more precise, let anything happen to the civilians in the immediate area. not out of compassion, mind you, but for convenience's sake. he's trying to maintain a low profile in this area until the heist's completion. a dangerous, sword-wielding woman capable of wiping out an entire town's population should she see fit would be counteractive to this goal.
he dutifully keeps an eye on her in their suite. she vacillates between forgetting he's there or eagerly engaging him in a wide array of topics. everything from the separation of church and state to 'if he really likes her.' at this point, she'd shrugged off her outer garments (with his assistance), the heat of inebriation unbearable. chrollo had been exercising every modicum of self-control in his body as she crawled into his lap, perching herself there like it was her throne. her fingers, free from her usual gloves, brushing along the various grooves of his face.
"pretty," she hums. her blissed out expression, breathy voice, and the pressure of her body against his crotch makes him strain to behave himself. "my pretty boy."
he's grateful that she isn't lucid enough to note the rosy blush that spreads over his cheeks at this unexpected praise.
in a languid motion, her arms wrap around his neck. she embraces him tight enough that he can feel the soft swell of her chest, threatening to spill out from its restraints. she plays with the ends of his hair, humming a melody unknown to him, perfectly content. he allows himself some indulgence — his hands settle on either side of her hips. to help steady her, he tells himself. for such a proficient liar, this excuse is admittedly pathetic.
"boss."
"hm?"
"i have a secret," she whispers. this piques his curiosity, overriding his previous sentiments to respect her privacy. selfishly, he hopes she doesn't remember this come morning. otherwise, he'll be in for an earful...
"oh?" he goads her on. "and what would that be?"
(goodbye plausible deniability).
her lips brush against his outer ear and he shivers.
"i've fallen in love with someone."
his breath hitches in his throat. he ceases his previous ministrations of rubbing circles into her skin. despite enjoying three years of sex, heists, and frequent companionship, those infamous three words have yet to be uttered. they've made it evident that they're exclusive, but that's about it. neither of them have delved into the nitty and gritty of whatever their relationship truly means.
momentarily, he forgets how to weave elaborate webs that ensnare his victims right where he wants them. all eloquence and posturing melts away. what little of him that leaves remaining utters his next two words, not the persona whose charisma could rival a manipulator's hatsu.
"with who?"
the raw, guttural urgency he speaks this inquiry with is foreign to his ears. he wonders what he'd do should she profess devotion for another. would he have what it takes to respect her choice? it's a silly question; of course he wouldn't, not past a chilling smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
alas, this hypothetical is put to rest. its his name that she speaks. the accent she tries suppressing sneaks out, curling around each slowly enunciated syllable. after what feels like an eternity, he relaxes, sinking back into the plush couch.
"don't tell him," there's a threatening edge to her voice.
chuckling softly, he hugs her tighter.
"i won't."
#chrollo x reader#not sfw#hell within reach#this ended up getting longer than i expected GJSKDFL#answered#Anonymous
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Let's get out of here
Jinsoul x Reader
Length: 3.8k
Tags: fluff, drunken confession, best friend
Shoutout to @a-casual-kpopfan for making me a Jinsoul simp.
Note: This is a work of fiction. Don't drunk drive. Call a cab.
Alcohol in an old plastic cup wasn’t the best, it didn’t taste good, and you would have surely preferred a fruit juice, but nobody at this party drank it for the taste anyway. You kept on drinking, tilting your head back to get the last drops out of your red cup. You tried not to drink too much and be responsible but looking around, you couldn’t see any water at all so you swallowed the rest of your beer-flavored saliva.
You leaned against the wall and scanned the room for the 10th time this night. You didn’t know whose house this was. You only knew it was a house. You weren’t the type of person to come to parties but when Jinsoul begged you to go with those puppy eyes, you couldn’t resist and left without asking many questions. You didn’t even change your clothes after your part-time and just hopped in your car with your very excited best friend and drove off.
The music was too loud in your ears, the drums hit in your chest and the bass vibrated throughout all your body. The lights were low so you couldn’t avoid stepping on every kind of litter on the floor, sometimes even people. Everyone kept bumping into you while they were dancing, pushing you left and right.
You kept walking straight through the herd of dancers until a girl bumped you harder than anyone else and looked you in the eyes. To your surprise, it was Jinsoul, with shaky legs and a half-filled cup.
“Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you,” she mumbled. Jinsould held onto one of your hands and with a yelp started moving wildly around you, taking you around the room. She reeked of alcohol, and so you did, but you knew for a fact she drank almost five times as much.
“You’re making me dizzy, stop it,” you complained, holding onto her shoulder to not fall into some stranger.
“Man, you gotta relax a little, you’re too stiff,” she laughed and started jumping around as if the music seeped into her veins, her hair bouncing into your face and arms at every movement. Blinded and deafened, you were at the mercy of Jinsoul.
“No, you’re too loose… Stop it, please.”
You didn’t know for how long you stayed in the house, there wasn’t a clock but it had gotten dark. It was starting to feel way too cramped in that place, a lot more guests arrived and you desperately needed fresh air.
When Jinsoul’s energy ended, she slumped on you. Your best friend’s body was like a bag of potatoes, she couldn’t stand straight anymore and was all over you. “Where have you been?” Jinsoul murmured into your shoulder.
“I was telling Chuu not to jump into the pool.”
“Huh? Oh, why did you have to keep,” she hiccups, “Chuu from jumping into the pool?”
“Because we're on the second floor.”
“Yeah, that makes sense. Chuu must be really drunk.”
“Just as much as you are,” you sighed.
“What, me? No, I'm not drunk. You know me. I don't drink. I always have one glass of wine for New Year's and Christmas and stuff. And sometimes I have a beer when people tell me that we should all have a beer like soccer and barbecue, you know, beer-drinking activities. But aside from that, I do not drink. And that's why I am not drunk.”
“What about all the cups you had before? I saw you,” you said and her eyes shot quickly to you, she rolled her lips in a displeased frown and shrugged her shoulders, “Oh yeah that.”
Jinsoul leaned back onto the wall, her eyes nothing but black orbs in that dark room as she looked around up and down. “Oh yeah, I had a couple of drinks. These guys here keep pushing drinks on me,” she started and you couldn’t help but feel a weird feeling creeping up your neck.
“They were trying to get you drunk, huh? What a bunch of creeps.”
“What? No no no no no no. Those people are really nice. They keep handing me drinks. I think they really like me,” Jinsoul gushed in an incoherent ball of words. “We're friends now. I want to follow them on Twitter but I can't unlock my phone because my phone is on the password doesn't work.”
“Did you forget your password?” you asked. When Jinsoul gets drunk, she becomes a mess. She doesn’t stop talking and can’t even tell numbers apart. Being her best friend for so long, you have already seen this scenario multiple times.
“What? No. I never forget my password. My password is your name and your birthday and I wouldn't forget your birthday no matter how drunk you are or if I am or both. I would remember your birthday because I bought you that game that you keep gushing about that isn't out yet. I wasn't quite sure whether I should buy it for you because I was worried you might spend more time on it than hanging out with me but you seem like you really wanted it so I bought it for you. And well I didn't want to tell you that. There was some really important reason not to tell you but I can't really remember it right now…”
You raised an eyebrow. You didn’t know if you should have been surprised or confused, because you didn’t really believe what she was saying. Anyhow, it was clear how wasted Jinsoul was, and being her ride, you understood it was the time to get her out of here, now that she could still walk or try to.
“Well never mind I'm sure it will come back to me eventually…” she kept speaking as you pulled her arm. “Hey where are we going?” she whined, trying to pull the other way.
“To my car, Jinsoul.”
“Why? Why do you want to drive me home?”
“Yeah, that’s why.”
“Do you want to come to my apartment so you can like be alone with me?” Jinsoul smirked.
“Let’s say it’s like that,” you said. You didn’t want to talk any further as her head was completely empty now. Who knew where she was getting with that, her imagination was always wild.
“I knew it!” she screamed. Fortunately noobody seemed to notice her in the midst of the loud music so you were spared from the embarrassment you have to usually endure when you were out with her. “knew that, I totally knew that,” she said again then dramatically waved in the air, spinning around, “Bye everybody!”
“I'm going to go home with my best friend. He's my um... D-dissed... disem... demated... demated driver and isn't he so cute?”
“It’s designated driver,” you corrected her. “Let’s go now.”
“Hey! Not so hasty. I didn't even finish my drink.”
“Come on, do it quickly.”
“Okay fine. Just let me finish it okay? Mmm... yeah.” She chugged all her drink down, groaning in satisfaction, then some quick steps followed before she fell again. You quickly raised your arm to catch her and step back to stand upright. Jinsoul’s body was drooping all over you.
“Oh I feel dizzy,” she tried to say. “If you want some advice, don't mix rum with tequila. We put something in that rum that doesn't go with tequila like at all. Hmm... Why are you hugging me?”
“I’m not hugging you, I’m preventing you from breaking your damn head.”
“I mean I'm not complaining,” she muttered under her breath as if she didn’t hear anything of what you said. “I always love it when you hug me but…”
She tried to stand up and move away from you. You kept telling her she wasn’t okay but she didn’t want to hear you. Jinsoul stood up, putting her arms out to show you that she was just fine, then her legs wobbled and she fell onto you once again.
“Okay okay okay okay okay seriously obviously I can't. Maybe you should hug me again. Thank you.”
You were feeling weird from being this close to her. Maybe because you liked her. No maybe, that was why. You looked at her eyes, totally relaxed and sleepy. Jinsoul smiled, like the dork she was, and got closer to you, almost bumping your noses.
“Did I ever tell you that your eyes are like really pretty this close up?” she whispered. Her voice was warm and sultry—her charms were starting to have an effect on you. Those were the times when you must not listen to your head at all, telling you to kiss her. But that wouldn’t be right and you knew it.
Jinsoul closed her eyes for a brief moment so she could take a breath and raise her chin even closer to you. You shivered. “Are you falling asleep?” you said.
“Huh? What? No! Who is falling asleep? I closed my eyes because it was romantic. I was leaning in for a kiss but you missed your cue when you just left me hanging here with my eyes closed. So this is totally your fault,” she blurted out all at once.
“What did just you say?”
“Yeah, for a kiss. We are at a party. We are hugging and I'm looking into your eyes. Therefore, kiss.”
“You’re saying dumb stuff, shut up, let’s go home,” you said and tried to move but Jinsoul clinched your arm. You were really holding back here. Jinsoul was making this way too hard for you, you might kiss her for real if she kept that up.
“No, I don't want to go home,” she insisted. “We haven't kissed yet. Here, let's try it again,” Jinsoul said and closed her eyes, pecking her lips. You didn’t do anything. “Hey, you missed your cue again. Seriously, honey, I am drunk and I know how kissing works. You must need a refresher course or something.”
“As if you know how to kiss.”
“Huh? Yeah, I kiss. You never kiss me even though I want you to.”
“W-what did you just say? Did—how am I supposed to know?!”
“Okay. Well, maybe that's because I never tell you that I want you to because... Well, there was a reason. I'm pretty sure of that but... What was it again? I didn't want you to know that I always think about kissing you that... But why didn't I want you to know that? Anyway, can you kiss me now? Come on.”
“No.”
“Hey, why not?” You could feel her shuffling closer to you, even more than she already was, and the warmth of the blossoming feeling in your heart that was burning more than any alcohol you have drunk that night. Jinsoul traced her fingers, against your chest, ignoring the crowded room and you fell into the wall.
She didn’t push you, your legs just got weak.
“You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re doing,” you stuttered. “You can’t give consent in this state.”
“No, I totally am able to give contempt.”
“No, Jinsoul, you’re drunk, you aren’t thinking straight.”
“I am totally able to say I want this. I am. You're just not kissing me because I'm drunk. You're drunkphobic,” Jinsoul started speaking. She was rambling in the most silly of ways but, in the midst of the crowd, you could only look at her eyes glistening with the rotating colorful lights. “You are totally discriminating against me. And that's against the constant, oh, it's against my rights.”
“It isn’t.”
“It is.”
“It isn’t.”
“All right. Okay. Will you at least kiss me when I'm sober again?”
“Only if you brush your teeth first. You smell of alcohol.”
“Well, of course, okay, yeah. Um, so that's a yes then. Yay. I love you. Hey, do you know something that will sober me up faster?”
“Stop drinking.”
“Oh, so we're like a doctor now, are we? Come on, can I at least have a hug? Yeah, so wet I grabbed your butt. I always wanted to. Whenever I see it, and I haven't yet because there really isn't a good reason to just do it. But the heck, I can't remember it right now, like why I wouldn't. So, I believe it was probably the same reason why I never tell you that I want to kiss you or that I'm in love with you.”
“You’re in love with… me?”
“Hmm? Yeah, I'm in love with you silly. Why did it take you this long to figure that out? I mean, what was I supposed to do?”
“Tell me?”
“Silly, I couldn't tell you. Because if I had told you then you would have known and that... Actually, now that I think about it, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Sorry, sober me is kind of stupid, apparently. Can I have another iced tea? Hey, what are you staring at? Keep your hands off, he's mine.”
“They aren’t staring at you, but at me. Chill.”
“What? She was staring at you? You're mine. People are always staring at you and talking to you and flirting with you and you always... Oh my god, it always... it always gets me super angry and I can't say anything because I have to keep it a secret for some reason, but like I can't really remember which one right now, so…”
“Come on,” Jinsoul puckered her lips again. “Give me a kiss so they can see that you're taken.”
“No,” you snatched back at her, ignoring how her words tugged at your heartstrings. It was insane how she made your heart pound even while she was this blubbering drunk mess.
“Dang. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. You wanted to drive me home, right? Your home or my home? Because I'm fine with either.”
“Your home,” you said a bit harsher.
“Okay, my home… I don't think I have anything to drink at home.”
“That’s good news.”
“You know, like just water and stuff, but I do have snacks. Ooh, can we cuddle when we get there? Or do you just want to like put me to bed?”
You think carefully. It was just cuddling, right? Nothing bad. It wasn’t like you would have taken advantage of your best friend, if anything you were there to take care of her and help her fall asleep faster. The offer sounded very appealing, but no. “I just want to bring you home so you can sleep.”
“Oh, you do. Oh, now we're coming on strong. Not too shabby for someone who didn't know how to kiss a minute ago. I like it,” Jinsoul exclaimed, pointing a finger at you as if she shot you with Cupid’s arrow and winked.
You sighed happily. “No, you have to sleep, Jinsoul.”
“What? No, I don't need to sleep. Hey, you can take it slow if you want like cuddle. Don't you like me?” Jinsoul moved her head down, seemingly pouting at you. The alcohol amplified her feelings by 1000% and suddenly she got emotional and teary-eyed. She spoke softly and looked at you even softer. You felt her pulling you a bit and noticed her hand on your sleeve.
“I went to this stupid party because I wanted you to have fun and I'm always super nice to you and I always look you in your eyes and play with your hair and bite my lip because just because that would make you fall in love with me and now you tell me that it didn't work?”
Her words bounced off of you at first and you didn’t notice what she was saying, assuming she was just rambling mindlessly. But then you stopped walking and thought about what she said for a moment. It was on purpose? So you weren’t just going crazy, it was her! So many days, you spent going insane over her—one day she’d be your usual dorky friend, and the next, she’d look insanely hot and irresistible. Yes, she did have a very funny personality but she was a lady and her hips didn’t lie.
With your heart almost beating out of your chest, you leaned down and looked at Jinsoul in the eyes. She was still grumpy and wrinkled her nose to look angry. But she was cute.
“No, I think it worked,” you managed to say. Then you let out a breathy chuckle, squishing her cheeks with both your hands and forcing her eyes not to look anywhere else. “Jinsoul, of course, it worked, you’re such a pretty and funny girl, there’s no way I wouldn’t have fallen for you.”
“Huh? Wait. So, do you like me?” Jinsoul let her teeth brush her bottom lip as her mouth slowly opened on its own and she stared at you with wide eyes, her hair falling down to her shoulders, enchantingly so.
“Yeah.” You told her, with the softness of someone that knew had to say it at least 100 more times. You nodded your head and Jinsoul smiled.
“Yay, I knew it,” she cheered. “Come here,” she blurted and grabbed your face, brushing her nose with yours. Your mind started to run wild—you didn’t have anywhere to go, your hands were on her face and so were hers on yours. But then she stopped. “Oh, oh wait, wait, um, sorry. I have to wait till I'm sober again, right?”
She let go of your face and you let out a sigh of relief. “So that means like we could kiss tomorrow morning, right?” Those small words were filled with hope and desperation.
“No, you’ll be hangover.”
“No, what? I'm not gonna hang over. I never have.”
“You always do.”
“Oh. Well, will you be there to protect me?” She sulked.
“Yeah, fine,” you laugh. Of course, you’d be there for her, like you always had.
“Yay. I don't mind if I get a hangover as long as you're there to snuggle me. And did you have snacks at home? It's gonna be awesome. You know what, we don't need this stupid party. Come on. Let's get going.”
You pulled Jinsoul from the kitchen to the hallway, trying your best not to let her fall into anyone. On her way out, she would wave at anyone she met before and scream about how happy she was. When you got to the door, you noticed the little step and didn’t stumble on it—you were sober enough—but Jinsoul didn’t and she tripped into you.
You caught her full weight and stumbled back. Jinsoul leaned in close, her breath slightly sweet with the lingering scent of alcohol, and her eyes glistening with mischief.
"Darling, look at you, you’re so eager to hold me already,” she said playfully. “Why didn't you tell me you were such a handsome devil?"
You sighed and pushed her back upright.
"Thanks, Jinsoul. Now let's get you home before you start flirting with everyone."
“What are you saying?! I’m only doing this with you!”
“Whatever you say.” You try to get Jinsoul back on track but she stumbles again, holding you by the neck, her face dangerously close to yours. She hiccups and shakes her head in pain. A moment of thought and you realize she wasn’t putting up a show but was really unable to walk. You have no other option but to drag her to the car yourself.
You walked arm in arm, Jinsoul's head occasionally resting on your shoulder as she giggled and flirted with you along the way. Jinsoul looked like she was dreaming, continuously spewing nonsense. It was a long walk to the car, doing your best not to look tired because Jinsoul would get offended if you gave her any hint of her being heavy.
Once you reached your car, you put Jinsoul down inside the back door and she climbed into the backseat. With a loud sigh, you finally get at the driving wheel and take your breath. With your hands on the wheel, you tap your fingers, trying to gain back all your sanity to not crash your car.
"You're the best, you know that?" Jinsoul whines while slumping down.
“I'm just doing what any good friend would do."
"No, really, you're my hero tonight. My knight in shining armor!" she screamed. “Also, you said you’d be my boyfriend… we confessed to each other!”
“Alright, alright,” you ignored her words and started driving.
Arriving at her apartment complex, you helped her out of the car and walked up to her unit together. Jinsoul clung to your arm, you could feel the warmth of her body and how soft it was. Your cheeks heated up and your heart was racing. She knew perfectly what she was doing and was nowhere near stopping.
"You know, you could stay the night with me. We could have so much fun!" Jinsoul said with a wide grin.
"Jinsoul, you need to rest. I'll stay until you fall asleep, but that's it."
Once inside, you managed to convince her to sit down on the couch while you fetched a glass of water from the kitchen. Jinsoul finally calmed down, she was too tired at this point, and she continued to watch you from afar. You handed her the glass of water, and she took a few sips. You stayed with her, chatting about random topics to keep her mind occupied.
After some time, Jinsoul's eyelids grew heavy, and her flirtatious energy began to wane. She yawned and snuggled up on the couch, looking more and more adorable. She slipped on your lap and her arms fell to the floor. You let out a chuckle but didn’t move, instead, you caressed her hair, looking at her beautiful face. You took some time to properly observe her beauty because, after all, you deserved it.
“Honey, I’m so tired…” Jinsoul whined.
“I know, I know, you have to sleep now.”
“You know I really need something—someone—to hug…” she said while eyeing you, “It’s not going to be anything bad I swear. I just need some comfortable hugging partner so I can fall asleep better, what do you say?”
“Uhhh…”
“Will you refuse?”
“I…”
-The next day-
You wake up on your own, your head is still pounding lightly and your body is extremely tired. You look at the ceiling: it’s of an unfamiliar color. You try to get up but something is holding you down. Your first instinct is to look down and you see a leg, then you move your eyes closer and see an arm. You turn around and see the culprit, Jinsoul.
There, beside you lies a sleeping Jinsoul, wearing a cute pajama, and a cute headband. She shuffles lightly and snuggles closers, stroking her face to your shoulder, letting out incomprehensible noises.
“Five more minutes, honey, you’re so warm,” she says with a sultry voice.
What the fuck?
THE END
Written, 20 July 2023 -23 July 2023
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Tyler is hopping around on his pogo stick again. When he lands, it's with a mushy thump as he sinks into the rotting floorboards. Sometimes he gets stuck and just tips over instead of bouncing back up. It makes him stumble and jump ship. Moment of perfection ruined.
I need to renew my driver's license, I say.
"What are you telling me for?"
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
If Tyler's bed had a backboard, this is how it would sound before he and Marla pounded through to the next room.
I am Jack's throat of bile.
"Fine," Tyler says. "We'll go."
I do not say, we? Questioning Tyler is an amateur move I've managed to avoid for two months now.
Getting to the DMV takes three buses and a thirty minute walk. Presumably, they've decided you'll be driving there. Sometimes I think about the Audi I had before my Dakapo halogen torchiere speared it. One of Zeus' modern day lightning bolts, making sure the debris from my exploded condo totaled my car.
I could've gotten the windshield replaced. Somewhere, in a junkyard filled with unloved 50s salvage, there's the crushed up cube remains of this year's luxury sedan.
Tyler spends the entire time walking one half step behind me, making me lead him around. It makes me feel blind, like I'm a thirty year old boy still trying to get his father to take him places. I am the world's most easily played instrument. Whenever I look back he's grinning, chipped teeth and split lips.
It's a Saturday and we've arrived two hours or so after opening. This means that when I get my ticket stub, it reads an obscenely high number. I will be sitting here for the next six hours. Give or take.
The thing about seating in a government building is they know you have no choice to be there for at least two hours, if you're lucky. Naturally, the chairs are cheap, yawning plastic bolted into the floor at a height most optimal for slightly tall seven year olds.
Tyler and I toss ourselves into the only two person gap we can find, between a large man giving Bob a run for his money on hormone reversal and a frail woman in her eighties. Both look like I'd see them on a weeknight. I wonder if this is where Marla lurks in the time between when she's fucking Tyler and fucking up my support groups.
"You don't need this shit," Tyler says.
He's slouching into the chair, arms crossed and legs long and in the way. If I were to look where his shirt is rucked up, I'd see his skin disappear into the dark gap between his chiseled hip and the beige slacks he puts on when he pretends he's pretending to be a nice person. It's an obvious farce, since he hasn't even bothered to put underwear on.
This is one of those things that I try not to think too hard about, but I have something like four hundred minutes left to wait around here. I should've brought a few National Geographics.
I need a driver's license for my job, Tyler, I say. The old woman gives me a look.
"Christ." Tyler spits on the floor. I try not to be jealous. My seat neighbor, she gets right up and goes to the other end of the building. "Just roll over, why don't you."
I can tell, this will be a lesson. He gets this huge sureness about himself, like his dick is so big it's slapped his face into that smug false contemplation.
I need some kind of ID, Tyler.
Tyler says, "No you don't. Your bank already has you by the balls with your social security number. You ride the bus around. You're at the airport so often the airline staff recognize you. You only drive when work sends you to a small town, which happens fuck all three times a year. Tell me, you get a good fake, you think the overworked and underpaid car rental employee writing down your information would notice it unless you crashed his car? You know if that happened it'd be because you did it to kill yourself, so where's the problem?"
You could be a perfect driver and die on the road at any second, I protest.
We're attracting attention. Not Bob shifts around. Our conversation is quiet but unnerving.
Tyler says, "Does it feel nice, signing yourself up like a feedlot steer?"
Fucking hell, Tyler. It's not like anyone wants to do this. No one wants to be here. Not everyone can work three night shifts and have no identity according to the government.
Tyler says, "The only thing stopping you is the little set of rules you've set up for yourself."
What does Tyler know about my ability to do things?
"More than you," Tyler says. "You didn't think you could fight. You didn't think you could live without your perfect IKEA nest."
He's right. I still want to kick him to the floor and introduce his teeth to the tile. I notice, Not Bob has cleared the area. Retreat to safety. Bomb detonation in five, four. We've got a three seat berth on each side with people standing packed against the walls of the place.
A lone security guard floats our way.
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir."
It's not the way that the men at fight club have started calling me sir. The security guard is looking at me like he knows about my condo blowing up, and he feels awfully sure about the cause.
I need to renew my driver's license.
Tyler says, "If we pay taxes for this building, these workers, doesn't that mean we pay your salary? You're going to kick out your kindest boss?"
"If you don't leave, I'll have to call the police."
Tyler says, "Can't even do it yourself?"
I think, every second of this day has been excruciating, and I have been awake for 77 hours.
Tyler socks the security guard right in the jaw, and the crowd goes wild.
It happens like this: Tyler hits the security guard with all four knuckles, all the people start screaming, and the security guard goes for his gun. I am standing in the middle of this hurricane, calm like a baby that's just been left in the car in 90 degree weather. I start walking.
Behind me, Tyler wrestles for the gun. He tosses it towards the kiosk that spat out my waiting ticket. He lets the security guard hit him in the gut. The face. The face again. He's on the ground, bloody spit threading his rebroken smile, and the security guard is kicking him in the gut. Tyler curls into a ball, the security guard kicks him in the kidneys. This will give Tyler bruises like size thirteen boots and make him piss blood for three weeks.
I reach the door, and Tyler's crawling after me. The security guard has come out of his haze, and now the crowd is staring at him. The headline: local DMV worker brutally bludgeons mentally ill constituent. People stare at him, now aware of the violence he is capable of. They wonder. He wonders.
Tyler limps out the door. We get on the bus and the driver stares at us and does not make us pay when we walk past him to the seats. The driver had a black eye. We saw him at fight club last week.
We sit, and I tell Tyler, because of him I'm definitely on a list now. Like they had for all those communists, but now it's for schizophrenics who might bomb their local state Department of Motor Vehicles location. I tell him if I get a letter saying I have to show up in court because I beat up a government worker, I'm sending him, and he can have fun explaining that to whatever rancid old judge presides over our case.
He laughs, and laughs, and laughs.
#fight club#my writing#this ones a little long actually. one day i'll probably put all these on ao3#inspired by me recently having to do govt stuff. wasnt this but its what i could think of something coming up 4 the narrator#ftr “chipped teeth and split lips” is where my brain was like. :) done!#like no. theres more to be done here
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Hii WB anon here and I'm back again!! Saw your posts about spitdash and oh my god, I love the way you actually acknowledge the unfortunate power dynamic and found a way to make it work!! I think it's very romantic how Spitfire chose to step down in order to date rainbows dash, it's adorable!! As always your art and headcanons are great. Speaking of headcanons!! Since you've mentioned soarin and spitfire dynamics a few times, can we have more about them/soarin as a whole? I do not remember if I've mentioned it in the last ask but soarin is my personal favorite, I have a closer bond to him since he's the reason I got into the wonderbolts in the first place. So I'd love to see if you have any headcanons about him (fyi I will probably go back into your ask box to ask about the others but for now we're focusing on soarin he needs his moment to shine)
You hold a special place in my heart for asking about the WB, Soarin and Spitty... Oof long text incoming about them!
One recurring hc I have is that they're childhood friends - even platonic soulmates.
I hc Spitfire to have had a lot of trouble making friends as a kid. Mainly because she had way too much energy, an insane competitive drive and quite the anger issues. She didn't have anything against other kids per se, she wasn't just mean. But her natural talent for flying and quick frustration when others wouldn't do as she wanted (like a partner not giving it their all during a race or a slower runner making it hard for her to pass them during a run/race) were a toxic combination and made her explode regularly. Hearing her shout and stomp in frustration wasn't uncommon.
Naturally, kids used to avoid and/or gossip about her, even if she tried to find some friends and help others get to her level so they could do some friendly racing or sparring. Some kids may have provoked her, which would usually result in a brawl or some form of violence depending on the other kid's attitude, as soon as she felt her pride was harmed.
Ultimately she didn't want to harm other per se. She was just hyper-focused on running, flying, anything adrenaline, and had a lot of trouble managing her emotions.
Insert Soarin: I mentioned that he definitely loves a good race and winning as much as the other Wonderbolts - a quality anyone has naturally in that position. But outside of a race, I hc him as the softest, most relaxed, and also most tired guy there is. He really just encapsulates this meme for me (just imagine there are also dark circles)
He's docile, friendly and (as a kid) very agreeable - which unfortunately, resulted in him having trouble finding true friends as well and getting bullied. While he got to tag along, he was often the butt of a joke due to his soft nature. Being used as a water boy or personal butler also was daily routine, which he accepted with a heavy heart.
I hc Soarin to have a strong sense of justice and having very developed empathy even as a kid. He's a thinker, a strategist. He observes, notices and concludes. He's not stupid. He knows and can tell the other kids don't really like him and treat him badly, but he just wants to have some friends. Plus, he's not very courageous (as a kid) and doesn't want to face arguing and fighting. He just wants to be included.
His "friend" group doesn't like Spitfire and definitely called her a crazy devil. Soarin initially only heard bad and frankly, quite intimidating things about her. But after meeting her he quickly concludes that she's not a real threat and just has some trouble with her anger. But she's trying to be helpful and outside of any competition is actually rather calm and nice.
There's no specific hc how they met but it was definitely Soarin who tried to initiate contact and a friendship. And Spitfire who was probably wary about him due to his friend group.
I love to think they connected very quickly and balanced each other out well. Soarin was the first kid who would race her no matter how often he'd lose and not get annoyed or angry at her. Which was because he immediately noticed that she doesn't like to put others down - she just loves to race, win and get better.
After a while he also realized, that she loves any kind of improvement, really. Not just her own. She'd give him tips, train with him and would also get just as excited when he got better. She just loved adrenaline, training and most importantly - seeing improvement and success. For her or others.
It's something Sptifire never noticed herself and it was Soarin who, years later, would mention it and ultimately be the reason why she would end up as captain of the Wonderbolts.
Kid Spitfire would be good for Soarin too: not only standing up to anyone who treated him badly, but also getting him to speak out for himself and say out his thoughts out loud.
Honestly, I just love them getting each other. Even when they're completely different in character. They look at each other and they just know. They know when the other is unwell or when there is something off. There is almost no secret they can keep from the other. They know what the other needs, wants, desires. And by adulthood, they'd trust each other with their life. UGH I really really love them as platonic soulmates.
They walk side by side in each others lives. They're a perfect match and in the Wonderbolts, as captain and deputy, they're an almost unstoppable team. Not only because they trust and care about each other like no one else, but also because they both can separate work from their personal feelings. They're both able to make decisions that may be unpleasant for their friendship but greatly benefit the Wonderbolts.
A characteristic also great in arguments btw: Just because they understand and get each other doesn't mean they always agree with each other. I imagine they definitely get into loud arguments. Soarin can be just as stubborn as Spitfire in some aspects, especially when he thinks he has the correct facts and logic on his side. (It's the stubborn, analytical science side of his.)
Though for them, it's easy to not take arguing personal. They may get frustrated but they can clearly differentiate that the topic at hand is the problem and each other. So it's not uncommon for them to be arguing and shouting at each other and having casual, friendly lunch 15 min later. Something that the other Wonderbolts definitely have a hard time understanding.
Some last points: Soarin has never had any jealousy towards Spitfire, neither as a kid, nor as her deputy. And maybe it's exactly because of this why she's made him deputy and then captain after her departure.
I imagine her stepping down (for romance of all things, which he later learns) is the first thing he truly, never ever saw coming. He's usually great at reading and anticipating her. But this? It takes him by COMPLETE surprise and he definitely has a very hard time accepting it. It's like a surreal fever dream. He may even have a small crisis, thinking that she'll be gone for good after - just leaving him behind. This fear probably takes a LOT of reassurance from Spitfire to calm him down again.
I've written way too much already, so I'll just end it with two short hcs:
1) He's got trouble with sleep and insomnia since teenage years. It's often a joke with friends or later on in the WBs. Jokes he usually goes along with or even initiates. Spitfire is one of the few people who know that it's more than just jokes, and that some days it really takes a hard toll on him.
They used to share beds - which helped Soarin sleep - and still sometimes do in the WBs. Which also leads into:
2) In some AUs, I hc they did have some flings and physical/sexual experience with each other. But the details are too much and complex to write out and too nsfw to include into this post.
#WB anon 🤝 Wonderbolt appreciation 🤝 Me#God I just LOVE THEM#so much text and I DIDNT EVEN MENTION SPITTYS CLOTHES#though they don't have anything to do with Soarin#also regarding spitdash I wanna mention: I also love the power imbalance between them in some AUs#as in - it can be very interesting and/or hot to keep it a secret and KNOW that you're not supposed to do what you're doing#also some other AUs are just basically a big WB makeout and sexy times party. But those are almost purely lemon/nsft AUs#but in the 'main' one I really love Spitty valuing her morals and stepping down before she officially asks Rainbow out#finally: anon you can ALWAYS ask about them#I love answering mlp asks.... especially WBs and Rainbow...#ask chim#headcanons#soarin#mlp soarin#spitfire#mlp spitfire#my art#mlp
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fall out boy lyrics that make me think of the places i grew up
this town is wasted and alone -- death valley -- when i visit, if I'm lucky i get to drive around, and the nothingness is crushing. You go to school, you graduate, if you're upper or middle class you go to college, probably the local one an hour away. You have to drive an hour to get to the good grocery store, twenty minutes to the shitty one. You marry your high school sweetheart, or someone you met in college, you settle down and have kids. You have at least one family member who works for a company you're pretty sure is still just a factory, even though they have fancier names for it now. I look out the window of my parents' house and i can barely see the neighbors' house.
you were the last good thing about this part of town -- grand theft autumn/where is your boy -- i left my best friend in the city i moved from and god i miss her so fucking much. Every time i visit it's like we were never apart. Every time i leave we both wonder if we'd have made it had i not moved away.
i can't remember the good old days -- 27 -- your parents' house is supposed to feel like being a kid, running around carefree. I have not lived with my parents for eight years but every time i visit i wake up with that same chest crushing anxiety and it does not go away. Even when i get back out east it takes me days to feel like a person again.
every pane of glass that your pebbles tap/negates the pains I went through to avoid you/and every little pat on the shoulder for attention/fails to mention I still hate you -- chicago is so two years ago -- i did not visit for almost two years, and then only did so because my grandmother was dying. Had she not been, it would have likely been so much longer. I spent those two years hating that small town, because i thought if i hated it i wouldn't miss it, and it all hurt so much that it wasn't hard to try to hate it. (that didn't work, because even though it hurt, it was still home)
I know I should be home/all the colors of the street signs, they remind me of the/pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house -- chicago is so two years ago -- it's the little things that get me, the parts that weren't so bad, the parts that were even good, the parts that killed me to leave behind. The first dance class i took out east i sobbed the entire two mile walk home.
whoa, can't do it by myself -- reinventing the wheel to run myself over -- this one gets me because every time everything just feels like too much, it's amplified by the fact that i did this to myself, i chose to move away from everyone and everything i ever knew, and it's therefore my responsibility to indeed, do it by myself
we're the kids who feel like dead ends//and the poets are just kids who didn't make it -- i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) -- literally all of my friends from home don't quite fit the midwestern mold, and we're all mentally ill creative types. We're in our mid twenties now and have felt like burn outs for years
I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light -- sophomore slump or comeback of the year -- the same best friend from earlier. I worry the small town is crushing her and she's so, so bright.
the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two out of three ain't bad -- i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me & you) -- you make sacrifices to survive. Mental, emotional, physical, everyone's sacrificing something just to make it through.
it's all a game of this or that, now versus then/better off against worse for wear/and you're someone who knows someone who knows someone/I once knew, and I just want to be a part of this -- hum hallelujah -- the duality of living in such a small town where everyone knows everyone and still feeling like you have no place to belong
literally all of g.i.n.a.s.f.s. but especially: everybody wants to drive on through the night if it's a drive back home//things aren't the same anymore, some nights, they get so bad//i sleep with your old shirts and walk through this house//it's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you, I'm supposed to love you//I've already given up on myself twice third time is the charm//threw caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm -- ioh was my first fob cd, and i listened to it on repeat the summer i spent commuting from my parents house to the hospital in the city to camp until i finally got an apartment. This was also the year i spent coming out to myself, terrified of the future and expectations i knew I'd never meet. I was also in love with one of my best friends and god it hurts so much for your first love to feel so wrong
I will never end up like him/behind my back, I already am -- headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet -- when i first moved to the east coast i swore I'd assimilate and no one would know where i came from, but the second I'd open my mouth it would be "oh what part of the midwest are you from?" Over time I've learned to make peace with the parts of myself that are so unavoidably rural and midwestern, but there were parts i resented for a long time, because it felt like I'd never be free from where i grew up
I don't know where I'm going/but I don't think I'm coming home -- alone together -- i remember driving home from a college course i was taking my senior year of high school and just, dreaming of driving on, starting somewhere new
and in the end/i'll do it all again -- the kids aren't alright -- if things had been different, if i'd grown up differently, i wouldn't be who i am today. Also i almost got these lyrics tattooed on my thigh. Still might tbh
you were the sunshine of my lifetime/what would you trade the pain for?//and I just about snapped, don't look back//what would you trade the pain for? I'm not sure -- love from the other side -- leaving was, and is, so goddamn hard. Every time i visit my best friend, my grandparents, i have to remind myself why i left, and why i can't go back, and so much of that focuses on looking forward because if i look at the past too much i begin to romanticize the pain
scar crossed lovers, forever -- heaven, iowa -- i am so inexplicably, irreversibly bound to the people i grew up with like some sort of fucked up trauma bonding. Out here on the east coast, in the cities, it's just different. Even people who grew up east coast "rural," it's not the same. It's strong with friends from the city i moved from and even stronger with my friend who grew up in the same county.
#fob#fall out boy#moving#so much for stardust#take this to your grave#actually a lot of take this to your grave#infinity on high#folie a deux#american beauty american psycho#save rock and roll#from under the cork tree#song lyrics#this got long#midwest#east coast#transplant#long distance friendship#long distance
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So I have been working on that were-animal game I threatened to do a while back, and I'm...fairly pleased with where I'm at in at least the general concept phase. Lore feels good, I have some solid antagonist ideas, I have a gameplay loop working, all that fun stuff. Now I'm starting to get to the scary parts (having to nail down a system and figure out just how I'm going to put this thing out into the world.)
This got weirdly self-reflective about my history with gaming instead of mostly talking about the actual mechanics so I'm gonna put it under a cut. :U
The tl;dr if you just want to know what I'm (probably) doing:
High-ish power system
Medium crunch (I'm aiming about for the level of Exalted Essence)
(This means a pretty good amount of powers and shapeshifted forms provide bonuses to keep track of)
Trying to avoid specific point-related bookkeeping so there won't be a fuel stat in the way that Chronicles of Darkness or Exalted has it where there are pips that rise and fall
Milestone "leveling" most likely (no actual level traditional leveling system, just skill/attribute pools, powers, and a character rank system similarish to a power stat)
Dice pool
(Yes, I did really like ExEss, don't judge me)
I am...attempting to come up with something more than a binary pass-fail system but I would rather not steal PBTA's iteration on it
Social combat (sorry, I know a lot of people are bearish on it but I like it :c It's the one thing I don't want to toss)
x/y-splats real
I have never tried to work within a system that's 100% of my own making. I think I'm a little gun-shy of it because one of the GMs I used to play with (who I stopped playing with because she's a horrible person in addition to being a horrible GM, incredibly long story, send me booze money to get drunk if you want to hear it because I don't want to be sober when thinking too hard about her) was really insistent on trying to make her own system and her game design sense was...well, not great. Didn't have a good head for dice odds and went for the most simple solutions possible (d6 with small dice pool, 1s are fails, boxcars are crits) without thinking about actual gamefeel, expected players to handle most of creation of character abilities and powers (as in, doing most of the design lifting for her outside of the basic dice systems) but also was incredibly thin-skinned about feedback. She had the desire to be famous and make this big idea but was not willing to do the hard work to make it happen.
And like, I'm somewhat sensitive (I would not call myself the most confident person) so I'm used to feeling a bit hurt by negative feedback, but, you know, you have to listen to players to see how they're reacting to the game especially since you need to get out of your own head when designing mechanics. Critique is how you get better, as much as it hurts. Unfortunately she also hated learning other peoples' systems even if you wrote her cheat sheets so...I never really got to play anything for more than five sessions or so for quite some time.
(Upside: the drive that gave me to search for actual active RP groups led to me meeting some of my favorite people in the world.)
Anyways. I think that's led to me kind of psyching myself out. I've kind of gone from the mentality of "yeah I have a great head for mechanics" to "oh no I'm just a savant with one singular system." I...might have to start with brand-X-ing a system I'm familiar with (ft. minor changes) (guess which one) and then start tweaking from there until it doesn't feel like The Werewolf the Forsaken We Have at Home.
I think it both helps and hurts that a lot of my design philosophy is somewhat similar. I'm trying to do a higher power level, at least in the same way that Chronicles of Darkness has the "if your PCs throw enough resources at something, they will get what they want, it's just a matter of what it will cost them and if it was something they should have wanted in the first place." I also have an extremely strong preference for dice pool systems, I just think the dice odds feel so much better than single-roll systems.
I've also always liked being able to downgrade a failed roll to a dramatic failure since it's led to some really fun situations, but I think the inverse could be fun as well, i.e. if you REALLY feel like you need a roll to succeed you can upgrade it to a single success at a cost that could potentially bite you in the ass later. It's another way to potentially cause drama and give players more meta-options to control how the game can proceed.
On the subject of meta-options I'd really like to give social systems some mechanical weight since I honestly enjoy social combat. I know that's kind of a controversial opinion but I just feel like it gives more tension to negotiations and the like and it gives me a lot more design space to work with when designing what would traditionally fall under "utility powers" as an umbrella.
So that's sorta what I'm working with right now. The scary part is I will need to playtest this at some point and that means recruiting people and that also means starting up what will likely be a community server to keep in touch with people instead of just vomiting out whatever thoughts pop into my head on tumblr. One Fear.
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Nervous Young Inhumans
Jesse/OC/Jimmy
Chapter Two.
Jesse was smoking a cigarette outside the hospital when she finished her shift. He was wearing his usual oversized hoodie, baggy jeans. His left eye was a little bruised around the edges. Ellie ignored the nervous feeling in her stomach and walked over to him.
"Did Diane tell you?" she asked, taking the cigarette from his hand and smoking a drag from it.
"Dad did, but yeah," he took out another cigarette and lit it for himself.
Ellie nodded, kept smoking and not saying anything. It was dark out, and they both looked like shit.
"You've been back for a while," Jesse started, "you could've fucking called."
"I changed my phone."
"My parents have my number, you know."
"Jesse, you could've called any fucking day," she tried not to sound too upset, "I was across the country not dead."
"You had a life I knew nothing about."
"You knew nothing about it because you didn't call."
"It was always the same when I did! Hey, El, I fucking miss you," he imitated himself mockingly, "are you coming back? Are we getting back together, El? - I was fucking begging, it was-"
"You weren't begging, the answer was always yes."
He sniffed, turned away from her, looking back at the hospital building. He nodded slowly.
"Always?" he looked back at her.
She paused, looking down at the cigarette, half consumed without her smoking it.
"You're still using," she said, matter of fact.
He scoffed. "So always as long as I get it together, as long as I don't stay the loser who didn't go to college, yeah?"
"I don't give a fuck about you not going to college, you know I never did. I told you to come with me, I said it didn't matter if we-"
"If I lived off you and did nothing? Nah," he shook his head, irony all over his face, "no fucking way."
"I'm going home, Jesse."
"Okay."
"Maybe-"
"Yeah, maybe."
He straightened up from where he'd been leaning on the back of his car, closing the space between them for a moment. She held her breath but he just shook his head and got in his car, driving forward so he didn't have to wait for her to move before driving away.
***
He called the next day.
"It really wasn't mine, but I wasn't gonna rat out Jake," he said when she picked him up from his parents house in her car.
"I get it."
"How was work?"
"Slow."
He hummed.
"Your place?"
"Uh, yeah. Thanks. Again."
"No problem."
They drove the whole way there in silence, avoiding looking at each other. She stared straight ahead. He looked out the window.
"You know, I've actually been doing well, uh, with work," he said when they were a block away.
"What are you working on?"
"Well, I mean, it's not work work but, uh, it's good money."
"You're dealing."
"I'm cooking, actually. And it's not shitty ass-"
"Just be careful, Jesse."
The sarcasm came back all over his features.
"Yeah, okay."
She parked in front of his aunt's house.
"Do you, uh," he finally looked at her, gesturing towards the house.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
He nodded, pressing his lips tight.
"Alright, thanks for the ride," he got out before she could say anything back.
Was this it? They'd resent each other for nothing for the rest of their lives? She waited until he got inside. She waited a few minutes after, not really knowing why.
***
The next week went on the same way for the most part. She was busy with work, he was busy with whatever the fuck he called a job these days. Or maybe they could've both made time but didn't. She hadn't seen his parents again since the night he'd shown up, but she'd called them once, just to smooth things over. She felt like ratting out Jake, making them see Jesse in a better light for once.
On Saturday she went to a bar with some of the other residents and surgeons from the hospital. None of them were on-call, so they drank excessively and ended up leaving the place when it closed at three a.m.
Her car was parked right outside but she couldn't drive.
"Ugh," she rolled her eyes.
"Wanna share a cab?" the same surgeon who always flirted with her, Hugh, asked.
"I think I might walk."
"Not sure it's so safe this late."
"I think I'll be fine."
"Suit yourself," he shrugged, got into the cab and drove away.
She sighed. She knew what would happen if she got in a car with Hugh. First a hand on her leg, then a pass at kissing her. Ellie knew she could say no, but avoiding having to seemed easier. She knew she could also say yes. But she wouldn't.
Her apartment was less than a thirty minute walk away, so she wrapped her coat tightly around herself and started walking. Desert nights were freezing, however warm the days were. She thought of where Jesse would be now. Knew if he had the chance to sleep with someone then, he probably would. Knew he was probably high, probably cooking or selling, in any case, living the usual chaos of his life.
And she could forgive him all of that, the lack of a stable job, the strange friends they'd shared. Maybe not the women. But most of it, she could bear. It was seeing how empty his eyes got when he'd been using for a while, the way he'd get desperate when he started to run out, how his life's epicenter became a substance and a feeling he could only ever chase - she couldn't see that and be okay with it.
When they'd used drugs in high school it had been the normal experiences, fun, you think you'll outgrow it and go on with your life. She had. You think maybe you'll keep experiencing the same things together for the rest of your lives, but then you're twenty-something and each person is stuck somewhere different, being haunted by the dissonance between them and their past. She stopped outside the building, pulling out her phone. She could call.
Even if he was with someone, or cooking, or selling, she knew he'd come. But she also knew it wouldn't be just one night. She also knew she'd resent whatever he'd been doing with someone else, and she'd hate herself for forgiving him and he wouldn't believe she did anyways. There didn't seem to be a place and time where things could work like they had before, or differently, but work in any way better than that.
She put the phone away and walked inside.
#brba fanfic#brba fic#brba#jesse pinkman x reader#jesse pinkman x oc#jesse pinkman#saul goodman#saul goodman x reader#saul goodman x oc#bcs fic#bcs fanfiction#bcs#vince gilligan#multi chapter#brba oc#reader fic
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Coffee Date
Me? Here? With actual coffee in hand? Could it be? It is!
We built a dresser for the guest room to replace the other dresser that was in there. The previous setup included a long, low dresser that I think was Ken's parents'. I have been using it as a desk since early covid, but it's uncomfortable because there's no room for my knees to go under. So the new dresser replaced that dresser, and now my old desk from childhood (an antique sewing machine desk) is in that spot. The sewing machine desk has been in the basement, and now the bench press can move from the corner of the spare room down to the basement where the sewing machine desk has been, once we take the old dresser to goodwill. Then the spare room can (eventually) become more of an office for my writing. But the sewing machine desk has a smaller surface than the dresser, so there's no room for the little table lamp anymore, so we ordered a floor lamp from pottery barn but it won't get here until early December. So right now my video looks super dark for meetings, and we'll have to rig up something to give me better lighting until the lamp arrives in ~two months.
My mom is listening to Project Hail Mary after my brother recommended it to me and we both recommended it to her. The narrator for it is just so good, and the story is so well done. She's loving it, and I love when someone enjoys something I've recommended, so it's fun.
I had nothing going on this weekend so I planned to write a bunch. I spent a lot of time trying to write but the words are coming slower. This book is just not going as well as the first two, and I'm anxious to get it finished because there are a few other projects I feel like I need to get to soon. This is book 3 in the series, and I'm not committing to ending the series (they're standalone mysteries in a series, so ending or not ending the series isn't a major multi-book arc requiring pre-planning) but I've got a standalone novella and then a different series with a historical slant and younger characters that I want to work on, now that I know more about launch strategies and book marketing. It's just hard right now. Work is taking up all my mental energy, and I resent my job so much for making it so hard to have energy for my passions, and then I end up resenting my writing because I am forcing myself to work on it while exhausted because otherwise it'll never get done.
I am not convinced anyone on Bakeoff has ever eaten a taco before.
Ken's shingles are getting better but he's still in a lot of pain and we're still doing separate beds, separate laundry, avoiding contact, etc. No snuggles even when he's bundled up in two shirts because it's too painful for him.
A friend of a friend (A) just had a baby and moved about 45 minutes out, and the mutual friend who introduced me to her (S) moved halfway across the country (22 hour drive). S was visiting for a wedding and when I saw her she mostly was gossiping about how bad A's post-partum depression is and shitting on the decisions A is making (feels the need to rehome the dog because her husband is working and she can't handle the dog and the baby; still not up for driving or taking the baby places). I reached out to A and am trying to go from acquaintances/friends of friends to actual friends, because I feel like she needs people in her corner right now. It's hard to make friends as an adult, to go from "we kinda know each other" to "let's spend time together," and it's especially hard when she's not up for activity-based bonding things right now. We're planning a stroller walk with the baby through the little historic downtown area near where she lives.
I think a lot about social media and how I dislike it. I've been posting more on the instagram I made for my author pen name because it's helpful from the standpoint of connecting with readers, and it makes me post here less because I'm already posting somewhere. But tumblr is a really unique social media. A little place where I can share things vulnerably and I'm lucky to have a little circle of people who care about me on here, whose own posts I love reading. It's a blessing to share in the lives of my mutuals on here, this ancient little blog site that feels nothing like the rest of the internet.
The coffee is almost gone and I have a meeting coming up and need to rig up some lighting to make it not look like I'm calling in from underground. Hope you have an amazing week!
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@aniverous so here's my thoughts for my accident "au" (not quite and au cause it's purposefully canon-compliant but i cant decide whether i want it to be canon in my version of canon ya feel)
about 10 years after the train, jesse and lake are in their early-mid 20s, they go on a little day trip and are headed home. jesse’s driving and lake’s trying but struggling to navigate. it's already late, past 11pm, but that's okay because they're not more than a half hour from home (i think they'd still be living at home with jesse's parents and nate).
it's raining too, and it's hard to see the backroads in the wet dark. it doesn't help that they took a different way home, so they don't exactly know where they are. the rain picks up and turns into a storm, and lake tells jesse he should pull over and either wait it out or let them drive. jesse decides they're probably right so he starts looking for a safe place to pull over, but they're pretty much surrounded by trees, so they're not having any luck. just as jesse's about to cave and just kinda. stop and put his hazards on, a deer jumps out in front of the car, and he panics and swerves to avoid it.
and crashes head-on into a tree.
his legs get crushed by the car and a small fire starts in the engine, which slowly eats away at his legs. also because lake’s so heavy they get thrown over the dash and they break the windshield which sends glass into jesse’s face oops. goddamnit lake.
lake rushes out to help him, pries the metal away from his legs and pulls him out. he’s yelling in pain, lake realizes his clothes are still on fire, but they have to smother the flames to put them out, which means touching his legs, which means more pain. (jesse doesn’t remember any of this)
they have to go back to find their phone but they call 911 and help gets there within maybe 10 minutes. while they wait jesse is just kinda laying there wheezing in pain and shock, and hes desperately trying to hold lakes hand cause he feels like he's dying, but lake holds him tight, as comfortably as they can, and they keep repeating "i've got you."
the paramedics kinda try to separate them but lake refuses, never letting go of his hand. again, jesse doesnt remember anything BUT he is very clearly looking for lake’s hands throughout the whole ordeal. they get him loaded into the ambulance and he’s ever-so-painfully holding lake’s hand for support. lake’s brushing their hands through his hair and trying to distract him while the paramedics work.
they take jesse right into surgery when they get to the hospital and lake experiences More Trauma and Flashbacks (because jesse’s hands being ripped out of theirs reminds them of the train) and crumbles to the floor, with jesse’s blood still all over their hands and clothes. lake is basically inconsolable. a nurse (alma, an OC who’s only here bc she fits in the role and i dont feel like making a new character) comes over and comforts them etc etc it only works because alma Gets It (shes got some trauma of her own). at first lake is very abrasive (back to their old self), but alma sees that really they're just scared, and she manages to calm lake down enough that they can call their family.
i will get to the rest soon i promise, i've got a drabble or two from here. also i should come up with a tag for this but idk what it should be. feel free to lmk what you think, but keep in mind thats just like the beginning of the story and i drfinitely missed some details
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Slumber Island cast a spell on me. This island and its inhabitants keep my mind busy...and talking about spells, I can't get rid off the feeling that the island is maybe cursed.
I've so many questions and some theories about what's going on there 🤔 and everything I wrote down here is a mixture of what we've learned in the last three chapters. I'm sorry that I didn't structure it chapter by chapter 😅😵💫
First of all I loved how Loki sang for y/n to calm her down. I absolutely love him for that. Poor girl was so scared and it was incredibly beautiful of him to comfort her. I absolutely love his behaviour and his empathy. He has a good sensitivity of her feelings. I also love him for taking care of y/n when she was sick...and I don't think that his brews are kind of poisoned ...and Loki with a sexy hair b7n in y/n's kitchen ? Yes, please thisiswhat I need 😉😍. I can't and I don't want to believe that he wants to hurt her...
Nonetheless it drives me crazy that Loki's answers are always vague. It seems he knows alot but can't and don't want to tell y/n. When y/n asked him how long he has been there on the island, he offered her a cup of tea instead of an answer, when she asked him the other day, he said he has been there just a few days. But he also said he was something like a part of the committee? Also he seems to know everything about the island. After a few days?? That doesn't fit and is sus 👀👀. He knows alot ...and I don't 😂😂
Loki smoking...hmm not sexy but very sexy somehow 😆😏
...he won't die anytime soon? What is he? An immortal being? A god? Are the people on this island something like a sect? Live they a cult? A cult around a special...God? Around something holy? Do they worship a deceased leader? Minola built this community, a committed community with a classical distribution of roles. Was Minola THE leader of it? Or was she a sacrifice? What happened to her? Is y/n a sacrifice? "They" chose y/n?? Why?
"...Besides, people don't seem to like me here, what is it about me?" "Absolutely nothing, you're perfect darling, that's why you are here, they (the island's people, right?) wanted you here...that's why they choose you. " It wasn't exactly a lie but the truth behind it was disturbing... and I guess this truth is the reason why she won't return to the mainland again to meet her therapist... and according to the last line of chapter 5, Loki knows it all 😳😢
Has the choice something to do with her mother, who used to worship the god Loki? What does it mean : they ( ?? him and they from her former home, right? I'm a bit confused here) took everything from you 🤔?
"...he smelled good though, a bit like sandalwood and it calmed your nerves, that's the incense stick your mom used to light around her place"... I'm wondering if there is a connection between her mum worshipping the god Loki and our Loki here or if it's just a coincidence 👀🤔😏
Why do they all avoid her house, except Loki? He knows about the screams of the lady, it's definitely not the wind, he just tries to tell her otherwise! When she looked out of her window (she saw the face, I'm sure there was someone, a real person out of her house...maybe the woman who didn't greet y/n back and seemed like she wanted to talk to y/n??) and gawked at her shirtless guitar tweaking neighbour 😏🥵😏 it's clear, he heard the screams too because he looked at her like he wanted to check if she's okay...and I'm sure she didn't duck to the side quickly enough... and again, somehow he's always there within reach, his house all lit up like a lighthouse in the dark.
Is it Loki's duty to get her trust because it's part of the plan?
Was she choosen because of her past? Because she seems weak, broken and easy to manipulate? And because she has no other family or none that she was close with?
I'm afraid she's going to get hurt again.😭🥺She's going to open up to Loki. She likes him, is attractet to him but she's distant at the same time; he's always on her mind 🦋🦋🦋, it's obvious and she wants him to be close. (I can't blame her, who wouldn't be attractet to such a sexy guy next door 😉😏😍). When she took his hand it's a really big step for her. And he didn't scare her like other men do. I have an idea why she isn't scared of him in general but I don't share it yet. And it's a horror ROMANCE , it's obvious that Loki develop feelings for y/n. I love how sympathetic he is, he always respects her boundaries and her feelings and accepts her behaviour, he tries not to tower over her and let her be taller than him to make her feel more secure.
"His heart felt heavy, you seemed terrified and he wanted to help you but he had to get close to you in every possible way, it surely wasn't part of the plan but if that's how it was supposed to happen then he absolutely wasn't opposed to it. 👀👀👀 It has been a long time since he found someone he wanted to get close with like this. He didn't know what it was about you, you were beautiful, sure, but he wasn't new to that. "
Him being kind of subby will be important later in this fic, I guess, when it comes to the romantic part between them...'cause he knows exactly what she needs and what it needs to make her feel comfortable...he won't let her feel helpless then.
But it's part of the plan to get close to her, to gain her trust? And he said she needs a friend, especially here on this island? He wanted to hold her and calm her down when she heard the screams again? "This wasn't how it was supposed to happen"
And then this: "...this made him want to walk up to you and hug you until you would start to feel safe and loved...maybe. This wasn't part of the plan, he was just supposed to do what she wanted him to do, she deserved that after all 👀👀👀👀 but he was just a man and he had feelings too. Feelings that he knew would get him in trouble 👀👀👀👀
Wait wait wait wait, what? SHE? Who is SHE? Minola? Were they a couple maybe ? I don't get it anymore 😅😂 my brain is going to explode🤯🤯🤯🤣🤣. Ohhh, this is all so sus 🤨...
I absolutely get her reaction when he touched her, when he grabbed her hand. She's deeply traumatized and so scared especially of men and it was a kind of reflex, an instinctual action when she slapped him. Loki get it too, he didn't give up on her , instead he blamed himself for it. And again he respected her boundaries. It will take time for her to let him come closer. But when she grabbed his hand...this scene was cute 😍
"...he wanted to do do much more than just hold your hand....he wanted you to take what you needed...he wanted to be the one to be commanded this time..." a little sneak peak what's going to happen in the future 😉😊 and it's cute and mindful, too.
"Something really horrible had happened to you. He knew that very well."
How did he know? Only because of her behaviour or is there another reason for his knowledge 👀👀
Does Steve literally have blood on his hands? Why does he always smells of blood and death? Is he a butcher? Does he slaughter animals....and humans too 😱😱😱...to sacrifice them...I don't think he's evil but maybe it's his part he has to play in the community....yes, maybe I'm going too far here 😂😂 but this story is also a HORROR romance 😜💀💀💀. He's definitely sus too. He seems to have a crush on y/n but some things he said to her seemed inappropriate and weird and he definitely didn't notice y/n's discomfort like Loki did. "...but once you ...become a part of this community and what they have to offer you'd never want to leave" he said...as if he himself didn't believe a single word... wait...what? 👀👀 and y/n a lunatic? That was mean and rude 😠
Y/n made some bad decisions? Yes, and one of them was definitely to take Minola's picture to the basement 😳😱
Oooofff, this got quite long, my mind is a mess now...like this comment. I'm so sorry 😅☺️. I jumped back and forth through the chapters but ...but I had fun writing it all down to get it out of my head. 😁
I hope it's not boring for you, in the worst case you just laugh about me and my ramblings 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤪🤪🤪 and I'm absolutely okay with it 😂😂😂
I'm absolutely hooked with your story, I love the atmosphere you're creating here, my Queen 👑 and I can't wait for the next horror -romantic chapter 🥰. I love you 💚💖
🤎💀🤎💀🤎💀🤎💀🤎
I swear I read it 4 times to get everything and most of the things are unanswerable even though in my head I'm like "noooo that's not how--" "waittt he said that because--" 🤣🤣
It's nice that he is doing things for her that makes her feel comfortable around him even not knowing at times like smelling a certain way or even the scent of the cigarette smoke, whether it's on purpose or he has ill intentions behind it will be revealed 💀
And if the concoction was poisoned she would get worse instead of getting better ,why did she even get sick in the first place 👀
And yess 😅 his answers are always to the point and it appears to me he doesn't want to lie to her, first meeting when she asked him if he was in selection committee he said that "something like that" not a yes or no.
Yes when she said they took everything from her she meant the people from her past. Her mother's death is connected to all of that.
His house all lit up all the time gives me such a eerie feeling and I wonder if it's coming across that way 💀
Is Steve evil or he's conflicted? We will find out, I think my answers will confuse you more 😅
About the Sub loki thing
He's not necessarily going to be like "oh yess spank me mommy" 🤣🤣🤣 but more like submissive in his demeanor around her, I'll explain it well when it comes to the sexy part, he understands that she feels unsafe and for some reason he's hell bent on getting close to her.
That being said thanks for all the theories, truth is definitely there and we will get to it 👀
I love you so much my dear 🥰💚 I'm so glad you're enjoying this story.
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wish you were sober (solangelo au)
wrote this like a year ago, haven't even read it over to see if its actually good, but happy pride month! (ps listen to wish you were sober by conan gray! its based off the lyrics)
---
°"real sweet, but i wish you were sober." °
~
Nico took another swig of beer, passing it off with ease. Will couldn't help but stare at him. He was disgusted.
Not that the boy was drinking. Frankly, he thought he was more fun when he was drunk.
But 'fun, drunk' Nico also came with 'stupid, middle school boy-like mind' Nico.
A freshman in college, only 19, but he seemed to act as if he were 25. Nico reluctantly listened to most of Will's advice, but when it came to being drunk the night bfore an exam, Nico learned to push him off even harder than before.
The loud music gave him a headache. The bright lights burned against his pupils, forcing him to shut his eyes tight.
Will wanted to drag Nico home, crawl into bed, and wake up like this never happened. Like the boy he'd been crushing on since forever wasn't drunk and stupid, threatening Will's feelings for him entirely.
He felt someone slam into him, and his eyes immediately opened.
"Sorry, Will." Nico slurred, giggling as he did.
"Are you ready to go?" He placed his hand on Nico's arm. "It's getting late, and you're super drunk."
"This is fun!" Nico seemed way too enthusiastic. "I've made four friends." He pointed to the TV, where Mean Girls was playing. "Her name is Reginald, and she's really mean. But we're cool, I guess." He raised his arm to point towards a dog in the corner but Will grabbed his face and made hin look him in the eye.
"Nico, we should go." Nico would've been looking him in the eye, except his eyes were doing everything but focus.
Nico took his beer bottle and took another swig. Then, he went on his tiptoes and kissed Will.
Will liked Nico, he really did. And they'd kissed many times before....
When he was drunk.
That couldn't help but make Will wonder if the things Nico did had any true meaning behind them. If when he'd downed his last shot and plopped down on the couch, leaning his head onto Will's shoulder it was because he found comfort being by his side, and not because he'd just had an entire bottle of beer. Or when he somehow found himself at Will's dorm, knocking on the door at 3 AM, only to be welcomed with open arms, it was because he wanted to be there, even when he wasn't drunk. He wondered if Nico had thought about the times when he'd insist on sleeping with Will, always a few inches apart though, so they wouldn't feel too uncomfortable.
Nico never kissed Will when he was sober. He never swung by his dorm without invitation, and he certainly didn't sit within 5 inches of him.
Will's mind went back to the kiss, taking in the details.
Had he even meant to do it? His lips tasted like alcoholic. He smelled even more of it. Nico pulled away, smiling.
Nico went for another drink when Will stopped him. "You'll get sick if you keep drinking." Nico frowned but put the bottle down. "I don't want tou to drive home or end up not having a ride. I'm driving, alright?"
"Hazel said she'd drive me."
Will sighed. "Where's Hazel? She's not drinking, is she?"
"In the back with Frank, I think." He spoke his words slowly, full of exhaustion.
"Has she had anything to drink tonight?"
"Why don't you do a breathalyzer test on her, officer?" He smirked at his own horrible joke.
Knowing Hazel surely didn't drink, Will nodded, ignoring his comment.
"Want a drink?" Nico asked, holding up the bottle.
"Uh, no. Thanks." Will glanced at the window behind him and back at Nico. "I gotta get out of here."
"You're driving?"
Will pointed to the window awkwardly.
There were many things he hated about these parties.
The smell, the lights, the sounds, the amount of people- drunk people. It was enough to make him throw up- and not because he was drunk.
He tried his best to avoid people, stay at Nico's side. But the drinks always got the best of the dark-haired boy, and before you knew it Nico had forgotten that Will was even there.
"I'm leaving. You're staying?"
"The heart wants what it wants." Will pretended to understand what he meant. He still couldn't believe the guy in front of him was the same guy who would yell "SHUTUP SOLACE!" to him when he was being too optimistic, or unpluged the speakers im Will's apartment when he sang too loudly into his microphone.
"Uh, alright. I'll see you again sometime?"
"Always, Shiny." Will decided it would be best to ignore the nickname.
Will hopped out of the window, still confused, but let his legs take him to his car. He walked slower than needed, because secretly, he hoped Nico was following him out.
--------------
Another night similar night came around, this time Nico letting Will take him home.
With New York being New York, it took Will forever to find a parking spot. When he finally did, the dorms were 3 blocks down. Nico leaned over and kissed Will's cheek, completely messing up his mind and making the car park slanted to the sidewalk.
"Nice parking." Nico smirked.
Will bit back some words, reminding himself he was just drunk and being annoying.
Will had his hand in Nico's as he guided him through the dark streets. They finally arrived at the building, walking through it until they reached Nico's dorm.
Nico gave Will the same smile he always gave him when he was drunk- lopsided, teethy, and meaningful. Of course it is. Will thought. The boy's drunk. Right now he's forgotten about all of the horrors of his past, and worries for the future.
Will's face dropped, feeling even worse for Nico than he usually did. Nico frowned too, tilting his head to the side. "What?"
"Erm, nothing." Will took Nico's keys and unlocked his door, inviting himself in.
He waited for Nico to come in and closed the door behind him. He wrapped his arm around him and led him to his room. "Sleep." He then went to the bathroom and found pain meds and a glass of water, carrying it with him back to Nico's room.
Nico stood at his window, gazing into the night. Will silently placed the water and medicine on Nico's bedside table and strolled over to him. "You okay?"
"Mhm." Nico mumbled. "Going back to your dorm?"
"Yep. You should sleep." Nico slowly turned to Will.
"Stay with me?"
"No." Will said immediately. He didn't care about the hurt look on Nico's face. "You're drunk."
"I didn't mean it that way." His voice was filled with irritation, and Will reminded himself not to get a drunk person angry. Nico read Will's mind. "I'm not mad, Will. I just didn't mean it like that." He stared back out the window. "And you don't have to stay if you don't want to."
Every ounce of Will's body wanted to stay. But every ounce of Will's mind wanted to know if this were real. Would the sober Nico want Will to stay? Or would he push him outside and lock the door? Was this even Nico in front of him?
I'm thinking too far into this. He thought. He's drunk, for gods' sake. Of course he'll act weird.
So this was just him acting weird? There was nothing at all?
"I want to stay." Will said. "But I also want a lot of other things."
Nico's droopy eyes widened. "Like what?"
"Like what you're really thinking. What you're really feeling, Di Angelo." Through Nico's confused expression, Will could see a hint of understanding. Will gave one last glance at the glass of water and ran his fingers through his hair. "I-I have to go. Go to bed. Bye."
Before Nico could respond, he was out the door.
-------------
As much as he'd thought about Nico getting drunk, Will had never thought about what it would be like for him to get drunk. The night was like a blur to him.
Nico dragged Will into his bed, covering a drunk Will with blankets. He moaned and whispered random nonsense, all causing Nico to watch Will from the corner of his eye in case he randomly shot up and started glowing.
Nico grabbed a glass of water and pain killers, comimg over to Will's side and leaving them on his bedside table. Will stared up at him, taking it in.
"Death Boy-"
"Don't think that because you're drunk you can get away with that, Solace."
Will smiled a little. "Are you going back to your dorm soon?"
Nico glanced at the time and back at Will. "Eventually."
"So when are you leaving?"
"You seem eager for me to leave."
"Trust me, I'm not."
"Me either." It was like a whisper, but Will could've sworn he heard it.
Will shut his eyes, focusing on nothing in particular since the boy he was in love with had just flustered him and he was, well, drunk.
Will almost snapped his eyes open when he felt a hand run through his hair. He almost passed out when he felt a pair of lips press to his forehead.
Had Nico had any drinks tonight?
"The one night I don't get drunk I'm left to take care of this guy." Nico mumbled. Will's stomach did a somersault. "I don't regret it." He stopped momentarily. "I hope you're asleep." Will felt Nico getting off the bed. "Why did I say that? What if he's awake?" He heard him curse a few times, him traveling through my dorm, and open and close of a door.
-----------------
"You're a pain when you're drunk." Will told him, making Nico shake his head. Nico pulled the blankets on the couch closer around himself.
"No way."
"Yes, way."
"I hate to say this, but you're not horrible. You're pretty quiet. You fall asleep pretty quickly, too."
Will flinched at the last comment. He could tell him. He could tell him he heard every last word Nico had said. He wasn't that drunk, after all.
"You flinched." Nico stated, causing Will to flinch just as badly as he did before. "You did it again."
"Did what?"
"You flinched." Nico repeated. "You heard me didn't you?" Will didn't respond. "You only had a few shots. Gods, how could I be so stupid-"
"I'm not mad. I'm not upset. I don't see a problem really." Nico looked up, his eyes full of relief. "Except for one. Why have you been hiding from all this time?"
"I guess I should bee honest, too. I've meant every word I've said to you while I've been drunk." He stopped. "Well, not all, obviously. But every kiss, every touch, everything remotely romantic I've done I've meant. I'm sorry if it didn't seem like it. I'm sorry if I left you worried, or confused, or unsure in whatever feelings you had... or still do." He said the last part as if it was a question, seeming to still be waiting for an answer himself.
"Of course I still like you, Di Angelo." Will said, taking Nico's hand. "I'd be stupid if I didn't. Thanks. For clearing it up, I mean." Will squeezed Nico's hand. "Can I kiss you? I mean a real, fully sober kiss."
Nico's lips turned up. He nodded as Will leaned in, connecting his lips with Nico's.
What he thought had been the result of a few drinks had actually been the result of a few feelings that grew even stronger. Even past the alcohol and the parties Nico loved Will. And now, it didn't take a drunk version of himself to show it.
~
#solangleo#will solace#nico di angelo#conan gray#au#toa#hoo#pjo#nico stop being drunk!!#will so sweet aw
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3/27/2024
I'm feeling better. There are a few stressors in my life right now but they just have to do with school which is fine. I have a few thoughts right now that I want to write down.
I worked out at the gym today. As I left the building I noticed a card in the parking lot. I picked it up and saw it was maybe an invitation to a funeral. I saw who died, just some middle-aged man. He died this year, 2024 and I could only think to myself, Jesus it's already 2024???? What the fuck happened. How much time is just going by really scares me. I felt bad about leaving the card on the ground so I propped it up against the trunk of a crabapple tree that was beginning to blossom.
I'm feeling a bit conflicted on the Teacup issue... She's been socially withdrawing from her main social circle, and instead of maintaing her connections, it seems she scrolls on Twitter, and bed-rots, as she and Schmudd described it. She just seems to... react to what's relevent to her world. That's a very human trait. But what's not normal is not acknowledging the wider space she's creating with her friends. This is pretty much a telltale sign of depression. Women are also good at avoiding painful situations. She might feel guilty for leaving her friends in the dark, but if she explains what's going there's a risk of shedding light on something with her. I'm not saying she's a narcissist, but unhealthy people tend to go into an unhealthy spiral because the healing process is painful.
I've always looked up to Teacup for being an honest and outspoken person. However, she seems to be outspoken to a fault She'll say edgy things, post her hyper fixations regardless of what other people think but she draws a line with personal problems, anything that could possibly make people close to her worry about her. I've listened to her speak on her trauma and how fucked up her childhood was, and she'd always frame it in a lighthearted comedic light. Most people do that, no one wants to give power to their traumatic past so we laugh at it. But this insistence of convincing her peers that she's fine and not to bring serious attention to her problems. I can see this in her relationship with Schmudd since they've been friends for so long. I think there are other factors to why she's not communicating with specifically him, but *A* reason could be that they have a very powerful and emotional connection so he has the ability to put her in a painful and uncomfortable position.
However, I could be wrong. All I have to go off of is theories. There is a painful conversation she's avoiding but that avoidance might have multiple driving factors. Schmudd has an intense personality. It's not just him being edgier than a /pol/ user, he has a novel on everything especially when it comes to stuff he is closed-minded about. Most people like it when their peers say yes to most things. Schmudd is a compulsive purist too. If you're doing something irresponsible then he will not like you. Teacup maybe feels guilty around him, not accepted. He said mourning over the CN building was stupid, maybe she thinks "well, if he thinks what I like is dumb then he's not going to care about my life." Personally, I don't care about what he says, I maintain a friendship with him wherever I can. I felt like a piece of shit when I confessed to him about my past with drinking, but we're past that now. She might feel guilty over wasting his time with the roommate talk, she could be aware that she was more involved in his life when she could live with a responsible guy. But after finding new roommates now there's not much conversation other than feeling bad over how the situation played out. Why doesn't she have a heart-to-heart with him about it? Well there's an admittance of fucking up in the first place. Not just with Schmudd but other aspects. Women tend to make bad choices but want to find some way of coping into feeling like they weren't bad choices. Perhaps saying some rather unkind things to Schmudd could be the result of that. Teacup might not be satisfied with her living situation. It seems like she didn't pick the best of roommates to bunk with. It was clear from day one to attempt to work with SNAFU, she wanted to move out asap, didn't want to wait for Schmudd when the opportunity arose, and might be regretting the decision. But that would mean admitting she made a bad choice, that she should have bunked with Schmudd, and now she can't and might have to spend money on living somewhere else. I hope this isn't a reason but; I've ruined her friendship with Schmudd. I think I would be hurt if my close friend of five years and I were cool up until this random person just walks in and my friend starts talking to them for hours and hours and have this deep meaningful connections after only talking for 8 months. Perhaps she liked Schmudd for all these values he brings to the relationship but maybe on some level she thought he needed her more than she needed him. Admitting to needing someone is one thing. But it's different when you've believed that someone needs you and then this other person becomes your friend's favorite person and you think "shit... I guess my friend doesn't need me anymore..." I really hope this isn't the case. Once again all these are theories, they could all be right or wrong. But I do believe there's an issue with depression and opening up herself to be vulnerable in her relationships, why it's happening, I don't know, and I might not ever know.
It is disappointing, I will admit. I idolized this woman for being confident and blunt with her opinions. I saw Schmudd praising her for this confidence and not caring what other people thought. "If you have something to say then say it." is what she said. It inspired me to be more honest with the people in my life and embrace myself no matter how much I hate myself. I wanted to have a connection like Teacup and Schmudd's. It makes me want to cry when there's a failure to connect. When I got the chance I didn't just want to have a connection with Schmudd I wanted to have a meaningful connection with my art senpai as well. I still want to try... I don't know how successful I'm going to be. The fact that she might ignore my attempt at a connection does scare me. However, I want to try because I believe we have the potential to connect, I've felt it since high school. Or maybe I'm crazy. Nonetheless I want to understand her.
Besides that Schmudd is still very important to me. It really bothers me when he's used, people sever their connections with him, or don't see him. He's been such a good friend with me that I just don't understand why people are cruel to him. Schmudd is not a perfect person, obviously. But the amount of cruelty he's suffered at the hands of other people is sickening. He deserves better. People have done bad, maybe some people have fucked up irreversibly. Even so, everyone deserves at least one person in their corner to support them at their lowest, be it a friend, a partner, a family member, whoever to tell this person "I love you, we'll get through this together." When he's been deprived of such things it makes me go "well no wonder he's put up his walls and doesn't see anyone as human and wants to go live in the woods." I'd be the same if that happened to me. While he can be venomous and almost take pride in being mean, I've seen him be a kind person. He consistently takes the reigns and does what he can to make people feel comfortable. When his objective is make this group experience go as smoothly as possible by being entertaining and charming, he'll do it. I think that's so admirable. Behind those walls is a kind person who wants love and acceptance from others. But all these traumatic experiences have cut off this need. The more he needs it, the more hurt he will feel when he doesn't get it. He looks to me, sees that I have needs so ignores his own to make sure I'm happy with him. And he makes me happy. He wants to support my dream however he can. Despite how good our companionship is, he will want to retreat into the walls, when my all my dreams have come true I will look to him and say "I am content, I no longer need you." And he will sigh a breath of stoic defeat and he will say "I hope you got everything you needed out of me." And then he will walk away, disappear from everyone's consciousness, never to be seen again. I never want to be that person. I never want to see him as a means to an end. I can never imagine walking away from him. So it baffles me why other people would cut him off.
Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood eveyone leaving me is inevitable. Sometimes I wish I could become only my content. That's all everyone will think of when they hear my name. "All I need Sophie to do is draw her comics and nothing else." Relationships are hard. People's needs are draining. It almost feels like people need the moon and the stars from me. But I love the people in my life too much to let them down. If they do leave me, at least no one could say I didn't try.
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First time meeting your parents₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊
𝑫𝒂𝒛𝒂𝒊, 𝑪𝒉𝒖𝒖𝒚𝒂, 𝑨𝒌𝒖𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒘𝒂, 𝑭𝒚𝒐𝒅𝒐𝒓 𝒙 𝒇𝒆𝒎!𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓
𝑨𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆: some quick headcanons of what I think the bsd men would do when they meet your parents for the first time. it got a bit silly but I tried to keep it as in character as possible. enjoy♡
𝑫𝒂𝒛𝒂𝒊
he postpones meeting your parents for a looong time because he's scared they won't like him, but he eventually caves in. he knows he can't avoid the visit forever
he prefers meeting them at their place over dinner or brunch, in a more homey atmosphere
if he's anxious (trust me, he is) Dazai doesn't show it. he has no trouble charming your parents with his usual gentlemanly behaviour and jokes, although he has to physically refrain himself from making any comments and jokes about double suicide
Dazai only has good things to say about you so that helps make a good first impression. + he's such a sweet talker
"Dear Y/N is such a wonderful woman. It's clear that you raised her well– no, really, I'm serious. She's the most lovely person I've ever met"
he's quite evasive when it comes to discussing his job and past. he brushes off all questions by saying that his work at the Agency is top secret and his childhood was a✨️dark time✨️ that he doesn't want to talk about
but besides that all convos go super well. Dazai's a very smart person and he just knows how to talk to people
overall he makes a good first impression, but your parents are a bit weary of him since he's so secretive
-1 point cuz he starts lightly squeezing your thighs and touching you under the table just to see you squirm (this man is shameless)
𝑪𝒉𝒖𝒖𝒚𝒂
takes your parents to the fanciest restaurant in the city– his treat of course, around half a year after the two of you start dating
he does show he's a bit nervous but it's super cute
Chuuya, just like Dazai, is willing to talk about anything except his occupation and childhood. he may twist some stories from his past and make it sound like he had a normal family growing up but he feels bad about it after
he keeps getting phone calls from his colleagues so he constantly gets up and leaves the table, which spoils the mood a bit but it's nothing major
Chuuya is the definition of a gentleman so your parents love him. he also doesn't refrain from telling them how amazing you are and how happy you make him
after hearing so much about your relationship your parents naturally want to know if you're going to take things a step further and oh he's so flustered
"Well um... we haven't thought that far yet but maybe in the future if things go well... yes I'd be happy to make her my fiancé"
if your parents do give him the blessing in advance his heart melts. and it's so obvious how grateful he is
at the end of the night he drives your parents home. yes, he rents a fancy car just for that purpose– and thanks them for agreeing to meet him
i feel like Chuuya would be very moved by the whole interaction. it's only been the first time meeting your parents and they already welcomed him in your family. he never had that growing up, didn't have the luxury of sitting around a table with his parents and just chatting and eating dinner like that and it truly makes him soft. he wants it again
he can barely sleep that night– just lays awake in bed and watches you sleep, thinking of how lucky he is to have you. he realizes that maybe your parents are right, maybe he should propose to you. after all, he does love you oh so dearly and knows that you're the only one for him
𝑨𝒌𝒖𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒘𝒂
protect this man at all costs he's so anxious when he meets your family for the first time
right off the bat he doesn't make the best first impression– he's too tense and lowkey a bit mean. he's in foreign territory and he gets defensive
considering that he's been on TV before your parents know that he's part of the Port Mafia so they're also a bit awkward
neither of you know what to say or talk about at the beginning so Akutagawa excuses himself to make a phone call just to gather his thoughts. naturally, you go after him to reassure him that everything is fine but it doesn't really help
"I can't just relax, Y/N. They hate me, literally hate me. This was such a bad idea we shouldn't have done this."
"No, no Ryuu it's alright. They don't hate you they're just... weary of you. You knew it'd be like that but you just have to show them who you truly are" you encourage him, giving his hand a light squeeze "I know you can do this."
once you return to the table he composes himself and actually tries to chat with your parents. he's respectuful enough and when your parents warm up to him he fully relaxes
sweet boy rambles on about antiques and mentions Dazai at least once. other than that he doesn't talk much about his private life
overall 7/10 experience. bonus points cuz he helps your mom do the dishes and clean up the table
he needs a few days to process everything. for a while, Akutagawa truly believes that he fucked up the whole meeting and you were going to break up with him. ofc that's not the case but he's still overly anxious
needless to say the next time the four of you hang out he's much more relaxed and plans different conversation topics in advance so he can be prepared for anything
𝑭𝒚𝒐𝒅𝒐𝒓
he comes over at your parents' place too. he brings flowers to your mom and some "homemade" cookies (he bought them from a bakery then put them in another box) so you can have a little snack over a cup of tea
he compliments your mom so the first impression is great
"My, my, madam, now I understand how your lovely daughter turned out to be so beautiful. She has your eyes"
man plays mind games with your parents and speaks in riddles so he comes across as a bit of a pompous ass😔 his menacing aura doesn't really help much either but besides that he's super respectful
he really impresses your parents with his knowledge but they still find him a bit shady since he doesn't share anything about his occupation and upbringing
if they really insist with questions Fyodor straight up lies– and it's scary how nonchalant he is about it
after you all drink a cup of tea and eat something he plays cards or chess with your dad so they can have a 'man to man' talk
at the end of the visit your parents like him. Fyodor manages to paint a nice picture for himself and gets their approval– but it's mostly half thruths which naturally upsets you
so once you're back to your place and you confront him he just says it's for the best they don't know the whole truth. ofc that starts a little argument
"Myshka, please understand that I cannot divulge important information about what I do"
"I know and I'm not asking you to. I just don't want you to lie to my parents. You put me in a very uncomfortable position and now I have to keep lying from now on. It's not fair."
"That may be the case... but don't worry your pretty head over it. I'll take care of everything."
"Okay but then how do I know you haven't been lying to me too?"
"No, no, my dear. I would never lie to you"
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd x reader#bsd fluff#dazai bsd#bsd dazai#dazai osamu#dazai x reader#bsd headcanons#chuuya bsd#chuuya x reader#bsd chuuya#fyodor bsd#bungo stray dogs fyodor#fyodor dostoyevsky bsd#bsd fyodor#fyodor x reader#akutagawa bsd#bsd akutagawa#bungo stray dogs akutagawa#akutagawa x reader#akutagawa ryuunosuke#bungou stray dogs dazai
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day four. october 10th. 9:02am
day five. october 11th. 11:38 am
two days are gonna go in one entry, cause i already know i ain't gonna do SHIT today and i didn't get to write anything down yesterday. turns out nico's decided that being sappy in just one place wouldn't cut it. so he took me not only to 1 waterfall, but 3. you'd think if you saw one, you saw them all, but nah.
i hate how easy this is to him, like he's never done anything else in his damn life while i'm barely hanging on. like, i'm FINE, i'm not worried per se, i'm just taking every day as it comes. i'm trying to adapt to nico's pace, trying to keep up with him and i think i'm not doing terribly but geez. days like today DO make me worry if he isn't gonna realize i ain't relationship material. i wouldn't blame him if he dropped me for someone more.... well, more. just more ... i don't even know how to word it cause sure, i'm lacking in something i never wanted to even be good at in the first place so it's not like i wish i'd done differently in the past to be better.
i know i wouldn't. i didn't WANT to until that dumbass looked at me with his stupid puppy eyes. one hook up was all i wanted. maybe a few more. casual shit. but how can i run from someone whose happiness makes ME happy? the moment i set foot into the hepha-whatever cabin after avoiding him for like what? days? a week? don't remember. the way he beamed when he saw me. i never fucking cared about other people's happiness, even less so what they thought of me. until nico. such a damn bother.
he demanded we take a picture together like an actual couple, which.. i mean... we ....are? yeah. kinda. i guess? like, we didn't exactly talk about it, but we talked about retiring together, we exchanged weapons... i mean like... even if i wanted to claim we aren't.. we ARE. the nice lady taking our picture was way too nosy but nico ...handled her so i didn't have to. thank fuck.
i thought we'd grab lunch after and maybe get back on the road, but no. second waterfall, nico ... i don't even know how he did it, but we had a picnic there. a picnic. like a pair of dumbasses. it was good though, guess he found someone to prep food for him. no picture that time. though he did kiss me and some guy with kids semi-choked. not the first time i've witnessed that. though i never felt defensive about it before. i never really cared about the people who kissed me in public, i just wanted to get off.
nico held me back though. good thing he's calm. sometimes. cause i ain't. like ever. by the time we reached the third waterfall, it was dark and of course he knew. cause when we came there and i told him we should just go back because going to see a waterfall in after sunset made no sense... well, of course nico knew what he was doing. it fucking glowed in the dark. don't ask me why someone thought it a good idea, but the place was crowded, so ... someone had a pretty good idea when they decided that. it was pretty.
after that, well.. we were busy for most of the night. i thought about sneaking out of bed to write, but nico at night... is like.. fifty percent security system, fifty person huggy bear. you get up, he'll know and worry. you don't get up, he'll snuggle your ass off. not .......that i mind. I DON'T. i like the way his body feels against mine even when we're NOT fucking.
soooo yeah it's like.. 12 pm by now. uh, not sure what the plan is for today, but i'm guessing food and driving, which is fine with me. i can drive for a while, too. i wonder if nico has more of these ... uhhhh dates? was it a date? well, kinda? whatever. i wonder if he's got more planned. guess i'll find out. kind of unfair HE got to prepare and i'm getting dragged along. WHATEVER.
nico's out getting breakfast... or lunch. both kinda. i can't believe i slept till 11. way to piss off my schedule. but it's okay. IT'S OK. i can derivate from the schedule sometimes. i'll be fine. it was worth it, too.
thoughts and emotions and stuff uh... think i got into that already up top but.. feeling a little frustrated with stuff. torn .. yeah. maybe overwhelmed, but like i'm not panicking. i'm just... overwhelmed and trying to follow the current. otherwise... i'm good. i mean like.. really good. pretty damn good if i ignore the little voice singing for me to find a target.
as for plans? just ... trying to think of a way to show appreciation i guess. nico's trying really hard and i feel like it's a pretty one-sided process for him. I KNOW WHY but he doesn't. i don't think he realizes he's the big exception.
and i hope he never finds out. he'd be unstoppable.
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Alpha's Temptation - Chapter 19
*Warning: Adult Content*
I have realized that I am not suited for social situations whatsoever.
In hindsight, this is something I should've learned earlier on but at this moment it's become clearer than ever.
The moment, in particular, I'm talking about is how on Friday at lunch, the peaceful cafeteria table that once belonged to 'The Triplets' aka Lylah, Wren and I, has suddenly been surrounded by a colony of football jocks, courtesy of Jay.
Jay's seated next to me with his arm around my shoulders, telling me all the latest news about him and the team.
I'm in a sandwich between him and his friend Yvonne, a female alpha with russet brown skin, her hair styled in cornrows that stream down her back.
She keeps cracking purposely stupid jokes in an attempt to make Lylah laugh.
It's been unsuccessful so far but she is relentless.
I don't miss the little smile Lylah's trying to hide.
"You'll go to my game tonight, won't you?" Jay asks me, flashing me a charming smile.
"O-Oh, uh-.." I start to stutter, losing the ability to speak as everyone's eyes watch me expectantly.
I look to Lylah for help and she nods at me excitedly, encouraging me to reply.
"S-sure. Can't wait," I finally manage to get out.
A chorus of whoops and hollers resound around me and everyone looks excited.
Except for Wren, of course.
He blows his long hair out of his face disinterestedly.
But other than that, he's been acting normal so I try not to think anything of it.
After lunch, we're walking through the halls and Lylah is nearly bouncing off the walls.
"Isn't this so amazing? We were personally invited to the game," she exclaims, latching onto my arm and pulling on it.
"Yeah but anyone can go. You don't need an invite," Wren huffs.
"Oh, stop being such a negative nancy. You better come tonight hoe."
"Um, well..." Wren looks conflicted, avoiding eye contact with us.
"Come on," Lylah insists. "The Triplets have been in a funk all week! We need something to lighten up."
We both give Wren pleading looks and he eventually gives in, a smile breaking out on this face.
A smile that fills me with relief because I haven't seen it in a while.
"Ugh, fine. But I know y'all just wanna go for the players, not the game."
"Hehe, you caught me," Lylah sticks out her tongue and winks teasingly.
Wren rolls his eyes in mock annoyance.
"You're shameless," he says and we all laugh.
We're at Lylah's after school getting ready to go to the game when it crosses my mind that I haven't seen Daemon for a few days.
He's been busy with his pack work and Lucien's been the one driving me.
It's weird but I feel like I miss him.
No, I just miss arguing with him.
That's it.
I miss blowing off steam as he gets all pissed off, his voice deepening to that angry rumble as he gives me that devouring look of his.
Ugh... here I am thinking these things again.
I pull out my phone to text Lucien that I'm going to the football game tonight.
He just tells me to be safe and to get back home before eleven.
He's so nice.
It's almost strange to me how nice he is.
The fact that fathers like him exist is crazy to me.
I've tried with all my might to remember my real father but my memory of the past is so hazy days.
I still remember the horrible pain and things I endured but things like how people or places looked back in Dark Moon are so hard to recall.
Sometimes it feels like my brain is shutting down, like it's trying its best to block the memories of that place out.
My father is even harder to remember than my mother.
He was actually the Head Alpha of Dark Moon when I was younger.
I don't even remember his name.
He abandoned the pack when I was six and that's when his brother, Alpha Ferix, took me and my mother in.
He also stepped up to take the place of Head Alpha in my father's absence.
I don't feel much for my father.
Contempt, maybe.
For being a coward and running from his mistakes.
Alpha Ferix always told us that the reason my father left was because he didn't have the courage as Head Alpha to go forward with a crucial attack, so Alpha Ferix had to step up and do it himself.
After that, my father was shunned and abandoned us out of shame.
During those conversations, I remember how my mother would never speak.
Her mouth would always be pressed in a firm line and her eyes cast downward.
There was no light left in her after that.
She fell ill to a parasitic disease that was rampant at the time.
It's called Xaerva.
Usually, a person's immune system can fight it off but the old and weak are easily susceptible.
My mother wasn't old but all the fight she had in her left with my father, her mate.
She didn't have the strength to win against the disease.
Her blood poisoned and she died.
And that's how I ended up all alone with my uncle, who's also my stepfather, Alpha Ferix.
It's confusing but he basically forced my mom to take him as a replacement 'mate' instead of my father.
But she hated him.
And she took that hate to her grave and died after four years in that hell with him.
I used to be angry with her, for leaving me to suffer but now it just saddens me.
I wish we could have escaped together.
It's all in the past now.
I just don't want to think about it anymore.
I try to push it out of my head as I attempt an eyeliner wing in Lylah's bathroom, failing terribly.
It looks like a thick slug attached itself to the corner of my eye.
How does Lylah do this every day and look killer?
I'm hopeless.
Lylah knocks on the door, not waiting for me to invite her in before she barges in.
"Lylah," I screech, attempting to hide my face behind my hands.
But she's already seen it, evident from the snort that leaves her mouth.
"Oh, Ash, that looks rough buddy," she laughs as she pulls out her phone to snap a pic.
I scowl at her, trying to block her camera with my hand.
"Very funny."
Then I watch as she pours some type of clear solution onto a cotton swab.
"Let me fix that for you," she says, wiping at my eyes.
So I let her get to work and by the time we're all done getting ready it's nearly seven, which is when the game starts.
I can't believe we took three hours to get ready.
Time flies when you're trying to do eyeliner, I guess.
When we get there, I'm overwhelmed by how packed the stands are.
We manage to find a spot near the field but it's near a group of loud Alphas who definitely look too old to be high school students.
Lylah whispers to me that they're probably alumni.
Jay lights up when he sees us, waving at us from the field and we wave back.
I don't really understand what's going on the field so I just cheer when everyone else does.
It's enjoyable, at least until the group of guys starts bothering us near the end of the game.
"Hey, what's your name, sweetheart?" one of them asks Wren, scooting closer to where we're sitting.
Wren just frowns at him, ignoring the question.
"Awe, don't play hard to get," he continues, his friends snickering and egging him on.
"Guys, I need to go to the restroom," Lylah suddenly says, grabbing our arms and standing up.
This earns a round of dissatisfied grunts from the Alphas as we leave.
Ew, they're total pigs.
Living as Omegas in an Alpha-dominated society kind of sucks.
They think they can just make advances on us whenever they want.
As I look back, I notice one of them staring at me intently.
I realize he's the man I saw at the garage when I ditched school with my friends.
The one Daemon was begrudgingly talking to.
Just like then, I don't like the look in his eyes.
"Thanks for that, Lylah. Ugh, those creep,!" Wren shivers in disgust.
"Fucking grown men acting like sleazebags."
"What's new?" Lylah sighs as we walk down to the bleachers to the half-sized chain link fence that separates the platform we stand on from the field.
We choose to stand there until the game ends rather than go back to our seats.
With a final touchdown, the coach blows the whistle and our side erupts in cheers.
"Did we win? Did we win?" I ask excitedly.
"Yeah duh, Ash. Look at the scoreboard." Wren laughs and I do, seeing that we won by double, 30 - 15.
I watch as our team celebrates, lifting Jay up in the air in elation.
Then they let him down and he pulls off his helmet, spotting me up at the front.
He jogs over and Lylah squeals.
"I'm glad you're here," he grins up at me and a crowd starts to surround us.
"Wouldn't miss it," I say, flushing a little.
Then he starts doing something I did not see coming.
He starts pulling off his jersey, making everyone start to scream.
I watch with wide eyes as he pulls it clean off, revealing his sweaty bare chest.
Lylah is squealing like there's no tomorrow, gripping my arm so tightly it feels like my circulation is going to get cut off.
Then he hands the number eighteen jersey up to me and the screaming around us only gets louder.
"For you, gorgeous," he winks and I think I hear people fainting.
I take the damp shirt in my trembling hands, not believing what just happened.
"T-Thanks," I say breathlessly, overwhelmed by everything.
"Oh my God. Let me smell it," Lylah yanks my hand that's holding it up to her face and breathes in deeply, coughing a little as her eyes squint.
"Okay, it was better in my head," she quickly pushes it away from her face in disgust and Jay bursts out laughing.
I can't help but smile as Jay animatedly goes over the highlights of the game, making exaggerated hand movements.
The crowd dissipates after a while and Lylah pulls Wren off somewhere, saying she'll let us have our 'alone time.'
"So, how was I?" Jay asks.
I don't know how to tell him I couldn't really tell any of the players apart with their helmets on, especially because I didn't know his jersey number until now.
"Amazing. You played so skillfully and scored..so many goals," I gush, trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about.
Jay raises an eyebrow, a smirk on his face.
"Something tells me you didn't know which one was me."
I blush, wringing my hands in his jersey.
"Guilty. But I do know you carried the game. Congrats, Jay."
"That's enough for me," he flashes me another grin before a teammate calls him over to talk to the coach.
We bid our goodbyes and I walk back to the bleachers, getting swept up in the crowd of people streaming toward the exit.
I check my phone, seeing that it's already 10:30.
I need to get home.
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