Idk if this is a coincidence loll but ever since I broke up with my partner I have an appetite again lol

so not to literally get on my Tumblr for no reason and vent some but I saw a TikTok today talking about how Tumblr affected them/treated their eating disorder so I wanted to add my two cents for any of you remaining pro-anas or whatever you’re fucking calling yourselves now that tumblr banned your stupid tag or whatever, I haven’t checked since I was 14 and I won’t be changin that.

I started restricting my eating when I was 14. I’ve never been as bad about it as some people and I quickly learned to avoid pro-ana content ( to the point of avoiding Tumblr entirely for a while ), but I still avoided food where I could and it caused a lot of fights with my parents. But I’ve always been a small kid, so when I stopped putting on weight, it wasn’t obvious. The only time anyone would notice something was when I was trying to eat a meal around them.

I wasn’t active, either. I was homeschooled and, after moving twice, I wasn’t in any sports or groups ( like Girl Scouts or whatever ), so I could stay home and do nothing. I didn’t need energy - I just stayed in bed all day and ate when I was forced to. I stayed at around 90 pounds from ages 14-16, with no changes to my lifestyle until early 2019. I think I was 5’5 when I started restricting my food, and I’m currently 5’8 and a big bag of bones.

The first thing I want to say is this: it’s not pretty. My body is boney and angular in a way that’s reminiscent of horror, you can count every rib and every plate of my spine with your eyes. I can stick a finger under my collarbone, and if I suck in a little, I can get my hand under my hipbones. I feel ugly and like I can’t be graceful: I wear baggy clothes constantly and if I wear revealing clothes they can’t show my arms, or my back, or I feel gross. My legs were a huge insecurity for me for years too, and up until I made some huge changes recently, I had a fairly big thigh gap and my knees were as bony as the rest of me. It’s not pretty. There is nothing gorgeous or attractive about being this underweight, and not only does it make me despise my physical appearance more, the effects it has on my health are bad too.

I had blood work done in November 2019 that showed I have low iron, b12, and d. I am constantly tired in a way that makes my bones ache, and I get dizzy and have to sit down a lot just from walking or leaning over a little bit. I feel sick, physically, and on bad days even my teeth ache. I’m always insatiably hungry but I can’t stomach much food and only certain textures are okay for me now. Thankfully I never started calorie counting, but portioning was an issue for me and I’m trying to use that to my advantage. It’s hard. I always feel like I can’t sleep enough, I get sick quickly if I do too much physical activity for too long, if I eat too much, if I think about food too much.....etc.

I started doing aerial silks in July 2019 thanks to a video Markiplier had posted a while prior. At first it went great - my first few lessons made me so sore I couldn’t notice what else was going on. It was doing these once weekly, one-hour lessons where I was spending at most 20 minutes on the apparatus that was making me faint and dizzy and sick and horribly tired in a way that felt wrong. I also developed lactose intolerance during this time, something that showed up completely randomly, but for all I know it could be because of how I was restricting myself. But that’s why I went and got the blood work, and a few months later in March 2020, I started really trying to gain weight again.

Let me tell you - I am miserable. I have been working since March to correct my eating habits and to gain weight and the last time I checked, I had gotten up to 107.5. I can, in a good mood, eat a plate of certain foods. Sometimes I’ll even manage three meals a day, an on really good days I can do a little extra. None of this feels like enough and I feel worthless because of it. In my class I am the tallest and the thinnest, and because of my awkwardly bony joints and thin upper body, I lack grace and beauty and look like a Halloween skeleton on a pole. I feel miserable, and cramps, and tired, and I often make myself sick pushing myself to try and be just a little prettier on the silks or to just try that drop one more time. Three days ago, I puked after a rough session at Open Aerial. I’ve spent the days since sleeping and can remember eating two meals max. Writing this down, my head hurts and I’ve forced down some food, but I’m tired of seeing posts in fucking 2020 glorifying eating disorders in any way - even seeing jokes, or comments made about not eating dinner, make my stomach clench and it reminds me of the four years I’ve wasted because of this shit. I can’t do what I love like this - aerial is too physically demanding for what I’m capable of, and what about long term? What about my girlfriend, my aspirations? They’re all incredibly out of reach because of this. Because I can’t stomach a full meal and if someone’s mean to me I won’t eat for three days.

My eating disorder has not been diagnosed professionally. I have considered seeking hospitalization but mine has never been life threatening. I have gone days without food, I’ve watched my portions and I’m miserable now. I feel disgusting and my body can’t hold its own heat. But there’s a million people who are worse than I am, and there’s a few that have lost their lives because of it. And for all all of us - recovering or not - seeing this shit glorified on social media is a slap to the face. It’s a disappointment to see the community even still exists, and a failure on the part of whoever owns Tumblr to not outright fucking ban it ( like it should’ve been in the beginning, before a whole generation of small teens found it.) and I hope that by explaining that I feel like my body is failing, my mental health has never been worse, and even my fucking teeth are suffering, I can get through to at least one idiot on this website and get it through their head that you will not be beautiful if you stop eating or even restrict yourself in a significant manner. You aren’t guaranteed to drop any fat, fat that you need on your body - it’ll stay. Your teeth will fall out, you’ll be fainting daily, but all that weight you’re trying to drop? It’ll stay. Depriving yourself and ruining yourself is not going to make you pretty.

I can continue on, I think. I’m really upset and I don’t think any of this stupidly long ramble makes sense, but here’s my last words for anyone considering doing this shit. Imagine the ugliest, worst version of yourself. Now amplify it - that’s how you’ll feel. You’ll feel nothing short of worthless.

And for anyone reading this in recovery, or having made it past that, I’m proud of you. It’s so hard to force myself to eat even one plate a day, much less trying to keep up with the exercise I force myself through, and the mental hoops you have to jump through to get past this mentality. It takes a lot of strength and resolve that I’m just now realizing is a learned skill. I hope you continue down the path of recovery and health and happiness.

Struck by Lightning - 1/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: After much struggling with names and how auditions exactly work and I’m pretty positive I got a lot of it wrong, but whatever...the first chapter is finally here!

Remember, I’m using gossip from Grant & Candice’s real life during The Flash’s run as inspiration for this soapy fic. I’m not saying this is what happened. Not by a long shot. So, just enjoy! :D And if it’s not your cup of tea, I have plenty of other fics to read. :)

It should also be noted that Barry is with Patty at the beginning of this fic, so you will have to endure some spallen. ;)

*Many thanks to @valeriemperez for beta’ing.

...

Chapter 1 -

Twenty-five, half-dressed, and agitated as hell, Barry Allen came out of the bathroom and whined to his girlfriend sitting in the living room.

“Pattyyy.”

She lifted her head up, pushed her reading glasses up over her honey-colored strands and waited. She’d been prepared for the third outfit tried on for the day with him, but the loosely hanging purple and gold striped tie, blue and white unbuttoned collared shirt, and navy boxers with yellow ducks on them she could have never prepared for.

“Did you wear those boxers to bed?” she asked, setting her open book down on the couch and meeting him halfway across the room.

“No,” he said immediately. “I wore purple ones with green frogs on them and the word ‘Leap!’ a few different places.”

Patty bit her bottom lip and covered her mouth to restrain a giggle. She hadn’t been blind to the way his heels lifted and voice got squeaky when he said the word, ‘Leap’.

“What?” He frowned.

“Nothing.” She shook her head and tugged on his tie. “Come with me, Mr. Allen. I’ve made you some breakfast.”

He stopped suddenly, and she let go of him.

“Patty, I can’t eat now. I’m going to be late!”

A white, fluffy dog appeared at Barry’s feet and barked promptly up at her, wagging its tail. Then another almost identical dog appeared doing the same thing.

Patty looked down at them and then up at Barry, who seemed to be oblivious to the pair.

“Looks like the kids want to eat.”

He frowned. “Help me get dressed. Please?”

She sighed and shook her head at him.

“Just let me pour some dog food into the bowls, and then-”

“No!” He tugged on her arm in the direction of the bedroom.

“I don’t think we have time for that.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Won’t you be late?”

“PG version, Patty. Please.”

She dropped the suggestive demeanor and followed him into the bedroom where a pile of clothes lay on their bed and several strewn out hanging from the top of the closet door frame.

“Oh, boy.” She placed her hands on her hips.

“Well?” he asked hopefully, following her gaze.

“You can get rid of the tie,” she said. “Didn’t the casting director tell you that it wasn’t necessary to be so formal yesterday? Especially since the scene you’re reading from your character is in a more casual setting?”

“Yeah…” he trailed off, untying his tie and dropping it on the floor with the button-down shirt he’d been wearing. “But he also said a white t-shirt and sweats was too casual when I came in that way the day before.”

Patty nodded and cringed a bit.

“It kinda is.”

His shoulders slumped.

“So, what do I wear?”

She walked across the room and picked out a few items, one from the bed and another from the closet.

“Jeans,” she said, tossing a dark pair at him, which he just barely caught. “STAR WARS shirt.” She tossed the black tee at him.

“Wait, for real? Isn’t that too-?”

“Casual?” she filled in. “Your character’s a nerd.” She came to him and draped her arms around his neck. “Like you, like us.” She nuzzled his nose. “Put them on,” she whispered, then smiled. “If they disapprove again, just ask them.”

Barry blanched, as if the suggestion was completely intolerable.

“I can’t-”

“Or you can do the white tee with the red plaid button-down and vest. That’s nerdy too.”

She walked out into the living room and then the kitchen to feed the dogs.

Barry turned to look in the mirror with the clothes in his arms. He supposed Patty was right. Maybe he was overanalyzing this. He just needed to find the right ensemble and stick to it. But not wear it every day. He should definitely not wear it every day. That would mean a lot of laundry to do more than once a week. Though it would only be a few things to wash…

No. He was not going to wear the same thing every day.

“Hurry up, Babe,” came from the kitchen. “You still gotta eat and fix that bed head of yours.”

Barry paled. She was right. His hair was a mess, going in every direction. It was probably due to how little sleep he’d gotten the night before, tossing and turning, waking Patty up a few times. He couldn’t help it. This was the third day of chemistry tests, and he hadn’t felt certain about any of the women that had come in to do what should’ve been an easy, straightforward scene with him.

He’d already gotten his script for the pilot, and all the other actors had been hired for their respective characters. He was ready to get started! So, where was the mystery woman that was supposed to be perfect for him? Er- his character. Would they ever find her?

Shaking it off for the time being, Barry quickly got into the clothes thrust into his arms and power-walked to the bathroom to finish his morning routine, including fixing that hair of his. Then, he slid out into the kitchen and held out his arms, waiting for Patty’s approval.

She smiled, her perfect white teeth all showing.

“You look darling, Darling.”

He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling as he came to sit at the stool near where she was standing.

“I made you a bagel.”

He scoffed. “That’s it?”

She looked at him, amused. “Aren’t we the picky one?”

He blushed. “Sorry, it’s just… You made it sound like-”

“I made the works for you? Eggs, pancakes, waffles, sausage, etcetera?”

“Well…” He looked down at his fidgeting fingers. “Yeah.”

She tilted his head up and kissed him on the lips.

“I did. You can eat it when you come home from your auditions.”

He blinked.

“You’re already five minutes late! Go!”

He turned to look at the clock on the wall and immediately panicked. He got up, slipped his shoes on and ran out the door.

“Barry!” She ran after him. “Your breakfast! Your break-”

But he was gone and wasn’t looking back. She sighed and came back into the apartment. One of the dogs looked up at her and licked his lips.

“Ha. I don’t think so,” she said, and took a bite of the bagel herself.

…

Iris West walked down the block from her apartment the same way she did every day. The only difference was that today she had an audition. Which meant she wouldn’t be working at Jitters today. She’d be stopping by to have coffee with Linda and then going to her audition.

“Hey!” she said, as she slid into the booth where her best friend sat opposite.

“Hi,” Linda said in return, glued to her phone.

“Is that all I get?” Iris asked, pulling the phone out of her friend’s grasp.

“Hey!” Linda tried to reach for it, but it was useless.

“What is more interesting than me, hmm?” Iris teased, holding the phone out of reach.

“Nothing! Absolutely nothing! You are the supreme, goddess of all!”

Iris gave her a look. “Overkill, Lin.”

Linda snatched the phone back while she was distracted, and Iris didn’t make another reach for it. A waitress showed up with both their orders, and they each smiled and thanked her.

“You ordered for me?” Iris asked.

“Duh.” Linda rolled her eyes. “It’s a special day!” She put her phone down.

“Tell me about it. I’ve finally gotten to the chemistry test. You know how hard that is? To get past the initial audition to testing who you’re playing opposite?”

“Boy, do I ever.” Linda sighed.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Lin. I didn’t mean-” She reached across the table and covered her hand with her own.

“Don’t worry about it.” She shook it off. “One of these days will be my lucky day too. I’m sure of it.”

Iris forced a smile. “Will you tell me what you were reading?”

Linda rolled her eyes again. “You mean you didn’t see?” she blanched mockingly.

Iris laughed. “With all that reaching I had to do? Um, no.” She took a sip of her drink.

Linda sighed. “I was just looking up your co-star.”

“Mm, been there, done that.”

“Not impressed?”

She shrugged. “He’s only been in a few things, and it’s not like he matches his comic counterpart.”

“Well, neither do you.”

Iris scoffed. “Tell me about it. You know I went into a comic store and asked for comics for my character and they laughed at me, because they didn’t believe I was auditioning for that?”

“The way of the world, honey, I’m afraid.”

“Unfortunately.”

“So, back to your co-star…”

“Okay, he’s cute.”

Linda grinned.

“You afraid you’ll be tempted to date him?”

Iris laughed. “No way.”

“Then what?”

“Sometimes I get self-conscious around guys I’m physically attracted to. Especially when they turn out to be assholes after they figure it out.” She took a deep breath. “I just want to do my best, you know? If I don’t get this…I don’t know. I think I might move back home.”

Linda’s jaw dropped. “Quit acting? For real?”

Iris nodded, drawing her fingers around the rim of her mug.

“Did something happen?”

“No, nothing happened. I’m just…sick of not getting anywhere. Of only being a guest star for a couple episodes. That’s not going to put me on the map. It’s not going to get me anywhere. I’d be lucky if it got me in a Lifetime movie.”

“It’s a slow process, Iris. I mean, I should know. I haven’t gotten a role period in the past six months. I’m thiiiis close to making my dream job a barista at Jitters.”

Iris snorted.

“Seriously.”

“Yeah, I hear you. But I’ve been at this for years, Lin. Getting a lead role in a superhero show? Starring opposite a white guy? That could really take me places, or at least get my foot in the door. This couple is pretty epic in the comics. If they’re going to do anything like it on the show…I mean-”

“I thought you couldn’t find any comics, that people you shut me down.”

Iris rolled her eyes. “Since when has people shutting me down ever stopped me? A girl has to be her own hero every now and again.”

Linda smirked. “That’s a good line.”

“I’m thinking of selling it to the writers. Think they’d go for it?”

“Oh, absolutely.” Linda laughed. “Isn’t your character a badass reporter? No way she’d stand around to be saved by a superhero every time she was in danger.”

“And she’d be in danger a lot, becaaaause?”

“The superhero is in love with her.”

“Exactly.” Iris beamed, then sighed happily. “I really hope I get it.”

“I hope you do too. It’ll give me something new to watch on TV.”

Iris pushed her playfully.

“And seeing my best friend succeed will do wonders for my ego.”

“Your ego?”

“Well, yeah. I’ll be besties with a superstar.”

Iris snorted and took another sip of her drink.

“Do you know any of the competition?”

“Not personally. When I was waiting outside for the initial audition, a lot of pretty girls came and went. So, it’s definitely just about looks, probably not just about acting either. You gotta have something…some…gumption.”

Linda smiled at her admirably. “Another good word that should end up in the show.”

Iris laughed. “Maybe I should just make my own show.”

“And invite this Barry Allen to be a part of it?” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Iris shrugged her shoulders and took another sip of her drink.

“If he’s lucky.”

Linda laughed.

“Okay, I’m gonna go get a pastry and then we should get out of here. Your time slot is in half an hour, right?”

Iris checked her phone.

“Oh, my God, yeah, it is.”

“Do you want anything? Crumpet? Scone? Cake pop?”

Iris bit her bottom lip, debating.

“I better not,” she finally said. “If I eat any more sugary things, I’m going to become one.”

Linda rolled her eyes. “If you insist.”

“I do.”

But when Linda came back five minutes later, she’d gotten one of each, and Iris took two. Linda shook her head as the two of them headed for the door and the beautiful day that lay before them.

“I know you too well,” Linda sang.

Iris shook her head and took another bite of her scone, her voice muffled when she responded.

“Shut up.”

Linda laughed.

…

After about 10 beautiful women had come and gone, Barry felt hunger and boredom start to consume him. Day 3 of countless attractive, talented women walking through the door for a chemistry test with him, and not even he had tried to convince the casting director to give any of them another shot.

From behind the glass, Barry saw movement, and immediately straightened in his seat as his waited for David Singh, the casting director, to walk through the door. Mr. Singh came and sat across from Barry in the seat the latest contestant had been in. He laced his fingers together over his knees and leaned forward.

“What are you thinking, Barry?”

Barry’s stomach growled.

“Besides that you’re hungry.”

A blush crept up Barry’s neck.

“Think you can do one more?”

He looked up a little too excitedly.

“Only one more?” he asked.

“Before break,” Mr. Singh clarified.

“Oh.” Barry looked away sheepishly. “Yeah, yeah, I think I can do that.”

“Good.” Mr. Singh stood up and made his way towards the door. “And hey, you never know. This one could be the one!”

Barry forced a smile. “Yeah, maybe.”

Mr. Singh disappeared behind the glass windows again, and in his place came another beautiful, black woman, as was the requirement on the auditioning ad. She was petite, even with her high heels on, and she had a smile that nearly blinded him, much like the others had. But when he stood up to shake her hand, he met her eyes, and something happened.

“Hi, I’m Iris.”

He stood there, leaving her hand untouched for what felt like a lifetime. He couldn’t figure out what was so different about her, but he just had a feeling – a really good one.

“Barry?”

He blinked and shook his head.

“Sorry, yes, I’m Barry.” He shook her hand. “And you’re Iris.”

“Iris West.”

She smiled brilliantly again, and he felt his knees go weak. He gestured to the chair and script behind her, and she snatched them up immediately, swinging one knee over the other after she sat down.

“Your lines are highlighted in yellow.”

She nodded. “I see that.”

“Right.”

He was starting to feel hot.

Was it possible to have a t-shirt feel too tight around one’s neck?

Barry turned to look through the glass windows again and saw Mr. Singh reach for his microphone.

“Hey, Iris,” came over the loudspeakers.

Iris was clearly startled, so Barry pointed to the wall next to them and the man waving through the sheet of glass.

“Oh.” Her eyes widened. “Hello.” She waved a bit awkwardly. Barry found it cute.

“My name is David Singh. I’m the casting director for the show you auditioned for, Struck By Lightning. Your character’s name is Lily Lake and Barry’s here is Chase Tyler. He’s been in love with you for as long as he can remember, but your character is oblivious. In your mind, the two of you are just best friends.”

Iris nodded. She obviously knew this already, but it was good to have a reminder before officially doing the chemistry test.

“As soon as you’re ready, you may begin,” Mr. Singh said, then sat back down and moved away from the microphone.

Barry and Iris’ eyes met again.

“Don’t be nervous,” Barry whispered. “You’re going to do great.” He smiled a little, and Iris felt reassured.

He looked down at his script and then back at her, beginning.

“Lily, hey! Fancy meeting you here.” He gave her the most impeccable heart eyes.

“Fancy?” Iris rolled her eyes, smiling a bit. “I live right down the block.”

The script then said for her to hit him playfully, but Iris had a better idea. She tickled him.

Barry squirmed a bit, genuinely ticklish where she’d touched him and had to get his bearings for a moment before returning to the script.

“I- I know that, Lily. I just wasn’t expecting you.”

“Well, start expecting me more, mister.”

“Yeah?” he asked, his breath caught in his throat.

“Don’t act so surprised.”

His brows furrowed, in character more than he’d ever been.

“You got the job!”

“I got the-?”

“You’re the new CSI!”

“Oh, my God, really?”

This time she did smack him playfully.

“Don’t make me tickle you again.” She giggled.

“Aaaand, cut!” came Mr. Singh’s voice over the loudspeakers again. “That was great, Iris. Thank you. We’ll give you a call if we’re interested.”

Iris smiled. “Thank you, David,” she said, pleasantly surprising him with the use of his first name. She turned back to Barry. “And you too, Barry.” She held her hand out for him to shake it, but he stood up and wrapped his arms lightly around her, giving her the gentlest, most appropriate hug he could under the circumstances.

“Thanks for coming in,” he said, with a smile, and nodded to her when she turned away, a bit flustered as she made her way out.

As soon as she was gone, Barry turned around in her seat and made his announcement before Mr. Singh could even open the door.

“She’s it! She’s the one!”

Mr. Singh grinned as he walked through the doorway.

“I think so, too. You two have really great chemistry. I haven’t seen anything like it with any of the other girls, and not for a while in the movies and shows I’ve casted either. She’s definitely got my vote.”

Barry couldn’t stop smiling.

“She’s it. She’s Lily Lake.”

“Want to go tell her? Or should we make her squirm for a bit?”

Barry could hardly sit still. Finally, he leapt up and headed for the door.

“I hope she’s still on the block!”

Once outside, Barry scanned the sea of people, some recognizing him and gushing or rolling their eyes. He smiled politely at all of them and then spotted who looked to be Iris on the other side of the crowd talking to someone on her phone with one finger in her other ear.

“Iris! Iris!”

He made his way through the crowd as fast as he could, saying her name over and over to get her attention.

“Iris! Iris West!”

“I’m sorry, Lin. I’m going to have to call you ba-”

He turned her around before she could hang up the call.

“Barry!” Her eyes widened. “What- What are you doing here?”

“You got the part!”

“What?!” She gasped, unbelievably excited, taking his hands and jumping a little with him.

Finally, they stopped and laughed a bit at their foolishness.

“You’re Lily Lake.”

Without stopping to think, Iris jumped into his arms and held him tight. When he set her down, she looked deep into his eyes and held his hands.

“I’m your Lily.”

And that was it. His stomach dropped. Butterflies.

...

*Also posted on AO3 and FFnet.

1147

Have you ever overflown a bathtub? Hmm, I can’t remember ever doing that.

Why did you ignore the last person you ignored? My new manager, Kata, messaged me a bunch of links to EXO’s videos to get me into them – I looooove that she’s friendly and we vibe super well so I have a feeling will be close soon enough, but I’m still a bit shy so I ignored her for a bit while I was thinking of a reply haha. I’ve since gotten back to her, though.

What's your favorite pizza place? Yellow Cab’s pizzas have never failed me. Mama Lou’s is good too, but they don’t deliver to my area so I haven’t had their pizzas and any of their food in over a year now.

What was the last stupid thing someone talked you into believing? That we can stay friends. I believed it for a while and it was so mentally and emotionally deteriorating for me, so I did the right thing and let go instead.

What's at the top of your to do list in life? Save. I’m superrrrr frugal with my money and hate spoiling myself. I’d rather enjoy everything in the future once I feel like it’s right to settle down.

What's a song that would describe your life at the moment? What Type of X by Jessi. Maybe not my life, but the song certainly matches my mood these days.

Do you ever scream at inanimate objects? Occasionally, if they’re not working or if I accidentally hurt myself with them.

What was the last thing that you shared? I just had lunch delivered to Angela’s place as a surprise, if that counts. I got her chicken wings and these chocolate chip cookies she’s always wanted to try. It feels really nice surprising people with gifts; I might start making it a habit :) I have to credit my director Bea for it - she’s been having food delivered to mine and Kata’s places recently and I just want to pay it forward.

What smell/s can you absolutely not stand? Fruits. We constantly have a stock of oranges because my parents and sister like having them after dinner, and the smell is nauseating. Spoiled food is also high up on my list, and the general smell in Manila is also very foul. Go to other places in the Philippines if you’ll ever visit!!!

Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? Yessssssssssssssss. Idk why but I find it really good? like even if I eat it straight out of the fridge.

Where are you the most ticklish? The sides of my stomach and around my neck.

Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? Someone absolutely important to me, yes.

When you're wanting a midnight snack, what do you normally get? I usually don’t really like the snacks we have in our pantry so unless I already had food delivered earlier in the evening I just let the hunger fade because I don’t like having food delivered that late anyway.

Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Buster from Toy Story. Or Maximus from Tangled but in dog form, because I don’t know how to care for a horse.

What color best represents you? Something peaceful like off-white, or a pastel shade.

Do you like marshmallows? I hate them.

What is your favorite flavor of candy cane? I also don’t like candy canes, or candy in general. Too sweet and I can always feel how unhealthy they are whenever I have to have them.

Do you have any shoeboxes full of old photos/letters/other memorable stuff? My mom has several plastic bags filled with photographs over the last few decades. As for me, I don’t own any memory boxes; but recently, I’ve been sticking up notes from my friends and co-workers up on my corkboard.

Are you in any way double jointed? Nope.

Have you ever considered a career in music/acting? Never. I never liked singing in public and I’ve never considered acting.

When was the last time you felt seriously embarrassed? A few days ago when I accidentally turned my camera on during a work Zoom meeting while I looked completely unpresentable. Luckily I knew I clicked the button and immediately un-clicked it, but my video still showed up for like 0.001 seconds lol.

Have you ever liked a song, looked up the lyrics to it, then hated it? I don’t think I’ve gone so far as to hate it. I have felt slightly disturbed upon hearing the lyrics of some songs I’ve taken a liking to though; and Cherry Wine by Hozier certainly ticks off this box.

Which is worse for you: being hot, or being cold? Hot, which is why living where I do doesn’t work with me well for the most part.

What would be the icing on the cake for you this Christmas? Get nicer gifts for my loved ones. I was able to get everyone presents last Christmas, but given that I had just received my first-ever salary then, I wasn’t able to go all out as much as I would’ve liked. I’d love to spoil my loved ones even more for next Christmas.

If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? Probably, as long as I was guaranteed to live comfortably. I’d love to see how else technology can continue to improve.

Have you made someone happy today? I hope so, when I got Angela food earlier.

Do you generally watch a lot of television? I do watch my favorite shows a lot, but not on television. Most of my content I already consume online.

If your bedroom walls could talk, what would they most likely say? They’d probably go over all the shit I had to go through and the ensuing breakdowns they’ve had to watch from me over the years.

What's your favorite Christmas song? It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas, because it makes me feel festive.

Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? Only for a brief moment when I was introduced to the concept, but kid-me never bought it because he never showed up.

Do you like the band Relient K? I’ve heard of the band name but I’m largely unfamiliar with them.

Have you ever seen a movie that was better than the book it was based on? Maybe, but for the most part I usually find the books to be better.

Do you like quesadillas? Yes, omg and with jalapeños and cheese *chef’s kiss*

Did you like the show Invader Zim? Nope.

Do you think tomorrow will be a good day? I feel like I’ll be sullen because it will be Sunday again, but I still plan on making the most out of it.

Do you ever talk to yourself? A lot.

Whose butt did you last slap? Idk, probably my ex.

Do you think that chivalry is dead? I don’t think so, but I also think it’s a bit outdated.

What's the greatest/most influential song you've ever heard? That’s a lot of pressure on a song... as much as I don’t really like The Beatles, I’d say Hey Jude has been pretty influential.

What's the weirdest thing you've seen in a grocery store? Not sure. If I had thought something I’ve seen was the weirdest thing ever, I would’ve taken a photo.

What is true love to you? Sacrifices.

Do you like chocolate milk? YES, lactose intolerance be damned.

Have you ever bought yourself a present on Christmas? Not yet. I hope to be able to this year!

Have you ever been on a mechanical bull? Nope, but I’d definitely get on one if I find one here.

Do you prefer to pull off band-aids slowly or quickly? Slowly. Actually, I prefer running water over it until it just slides off.

Have you made a mistake in the past week? I am constantly making tiny mistakes at work.

What was the last weird thing you said to someone? Idk, I feel like all the conversations I’ve had recently didn’t involve any inside jokes or general weirdness.

Have you ever met any bands/band members before? I got to work with one - Redd is the drummer for a local band but he’s since resigned to work with another company.

Have you ever sat on a copy machine and made copies of your butt? No. I’ve never even used a copy machine.

Are you a camera whore? Not at all, I hate posing for the camera.

Have you ever purposely dropped someone's toothbrush in a toilet? Never even considered it.

What kind of mood are you in right now? A little sad because it’s the weekend and I can’t even do my weekend coffee shop trips anymore because Covid cases are experiencing another surge (9000 cases a day!!!), protocols are everywhere again, and my parents already told me I can’t go out...those moments were my rare time alone where I can take walks and reflect and whatnot (and not to mention experieince air conditioning for a few hours), so it sucks to have to be stuck at home again. There’s not much to do at home to begin with, so now I’m just stuck in a cycle of taking surveys and finding videos to watch on YouTube.

What was the last thing someone told you that had you at a loss for words? I was ranting to Andi about how I started despising Diane from BoJack Horseman the moment she flipped out over Mr. Peanutbutter gifting her an entire library. I get where she’s coming from, of course, “understand people’s love language” and all that; but I felt like the very hostile reaction was super uncalled for and it reminded me a lot of my relationship with Gabie – I liked giving and giving, but it was either 1) never enough or 2) apparently the wrong way to show her love, and I was always the one punished for it in the end. I told Andi that because of my experience with her, I don’t even feel like giving a library (metaphorically speaking) to any future significant others anymore because of how hard I had it with her. 

Anyway, they gave me some advice about it and in the end they told me, “One day, someone will tell you, “Thank you for your library.’” It was very beautifully put and I struggled to find the words to reply.

What's something that always makes you smile, regardless of what’s going on? I’m not sure there is such a no-fail thing.

What was that last thing that you bought online? Food for Angela.

Do you enjoy riding around town looking at Christmas lights? Yeah, but the general mood for last year obviously wasn’t super festive and there weren’t as much lights, so it’s been a while since I’ve seen my village all decked out.

Is there someone that you're mean to for no good reason? No, that’s terrible.

What was the last thing you got out of the freezer? The coffee ice cream that I bought from Leigh yesterday! It’s crazy fucking good and I already feel a repeat order coming through.

Are you currently reading anything? No.

What's a good book you'd recommend? I don’t read anymore. I know child/teen-me would be very disappointed.

The 2020 Experience, Part 4

December was...rough. Every free moment I had was spent looking for better paying jobs and more apartments. Christmas gifts were planned and purchased under extreme budget. I had an upcoming OB-GYN appointment. And the accumulated stress finally broke me physically and mentally.

I started noticing it when I had my OB-GYN appointment. My appointment wasn’t until 4:30pm, but I wanted to get some Christmas shopping done, so I took an early train into Atlantic Terminal to do some shopping in and around Barclay’s Center. I didn’t have breakfast before I left, so I grabbed a latte and a slice of iced lemon cake from Starbucks. There were some benches outside where I sat down and ate. Afterwards, I hit up Target and Marshall’s. Once I was in line for Marshall’s, I started feeling... off. I could feel my pulse rushing in my face, and my stomach felt simultaneously empty and twisted upside down. I couldn’t tell if I felt like I was going to vomit or poop, or if I was just really gassy and needed to fart. I made it through purchasing and left to sit down somewhere, anywhere. I think I settled down in front of either TJ Maxx or Burlington on the ground. I pulled my knees into my chest, waiting and hoping for this feeling to pass. After about 15 minutes and no change, I knew I needed to find a bathroom. And in COVID times, I had a better chance of finding a four-leaf clover growing out of the concrete than a public toilet I could access.

Target, however, was my savior. Having purchased from them earlier, I happily took advantage of their open and clean bathroom facilities. I won’t go into too much detail, but I will say I spent a long time on that toilet trying to feel better. Eventually I had to move on, and I decided I would go outside and get as much fresh air as I could, hoping that would somehow cure me of this... whatever feeling it was. It helped, or at least that’s what I told myself as I slowly sipped water from my water bottle. I tried to make one last stop at one last shop before heading down to Bay Ridge for my OB-GYN appointment, but after two instances where I was forced to sit down again and wait for the feeling to pass to something barely more manageable, I decided the best course of action would be to arrive exceptionally early to my appointment and hope they had an unoccupied bathroom I could access.

Thankfully, they did. I somehow managed a thirty minute train ride, a ten minute wait for the bus, a ten minute bus ride, and a ten minute walk to the doctor’s office, where after filling out a few forms I retreated to their very clean single occupancy bathroom. I felt awful and wanted something done about it, so I open mouth breathed while kneeling in front of the toilet bowl for a while. It’s a technique I use when I feel like I may throw up and want to encourage my stomach to expel whatever’s clearly upsetting it. [I also wish to take this moment to make this very clear: I am not, nor have I ever been, bulimic. I don’t endorse or condone bulimia. I’m sure it’s very easy to read what I just wrote as inducing vomiting to purposefully purge, but it is not. I was not trying to make myself vomit, but I was prepared for that to happen should my body have decided that’s what it needed to do.] What ended up happening was about five minutes of dry heaving before my body apparently decided that because there was nothing there, that nothing was wrong anymore.

What was wrong with me? I hadn’t interacted with anyone who was sick, had I? I had recently started babysitting, could I have gotten something from one of the kids? Was I not as diligent as I thought I’d been with maintaining social distance and wearing a mask and sanitizing and washing my hands? Or was it something else? All I’d had to eat that day was some processed cake and a sugary latte, could I possibly have developed celiac disease overnight? Was my body finally shutting down it’s lactose-digesting functions? Was I just really overcaffeinated because I forgot to specify “half-caf” in my Starbucks order?

I posited these queries to my doctor while she poked around my vagina. She said it was possible I could be lactose intolerant or I could be crashing from the caffeine. When the staff had taken my temperature I wasn’t running a fever, so it wasn’t likely I’d caught anything off of someone. With a final fingering to gauge the position of my uterus (I learned it has a slight anterior tilt), my appointment was done and I was free to go home. Though I felt better, I decided against calling on my old roommates and to instead just head back to Graham’s. I made one last gift purchase before hopping on the LIRR, and my Christmas shopping was essentially done.

The feeling didn’t disappear though, and on some days it became unmanageable. My GI system was clearly in distress, and not a lot was helping. I found a few packs of ginger turmeric tea at Graham’s house and made myself a cup, firmly placing my faith in the healing properties of what some (uncultured) people call “hot leaf juice”. I think it helped, but I can’t be sure. I’d told Graham about what was going on and what I thought it could be, and he could sympathize and to a degree empathize. It wasn’t until one night when I was again dry heaving into a toilet bowl that Graham fully saw what an awful state I was in. I told him at this point I thought it was a manifestation of the stress we’d been under for the past eight weeks. For eight weeks we’d been searching for apartments, passing on nice ones just out of our budget, trying to come to terms with the infinite number of mediocre same-floor plan, same-color, same-appliances, same-building looking ones, and getting discouraged with the shitty, falling apart ones. I had spent my first Thanksgiving away from my family and had resigned myself to spending Christmas apart from my family for the first time as well. I’d had three separate COVID tests in the past two months. I hadn’t spoken to my therapist since before Thanksgiving. And I had spent the entire month at Graham’s family’s house, which was not something I had wanted.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. Truly, I’m indebted to Graham’s mom for letting me not only stay with them rent-free (but agreeing to walk their dogs) but also keep my stuff there while she is also getting ready to move out. But I have never felt comfortable calling someone else’s place my home. I cannot help but feel like an outsider, and no matter how many times people tell me to “make [myself] comfortable” and “help [myself] to whatever food there is” I will feel like an imposition and a burden. It’s only my anxiety coming through, but it comes through LOUD.

I finally scheduled an appointment with my therapist again, and poured all this out to him. I told him exactly how bad things had gotten, and not for the first time I considered asking to be prescribed anti-anxiety medication and possibly antidepressants. I decided to keep going without them...for now.

Christmas Eve came and Graham, his family, and I all celebrated together. We were gifted some lovely items to start our life living together, like a knife set, a set of glasses, new bedding, and a casserole dish. It was a lovely respite from the stress.

On Christmas Day, Graham and I went to see another apartment. This apartment was in the same building as the apartment we almost signed for, and the only differences were that this apartment was on a lower floor and didn’t have a balcony. It was also almost $100/month less than what we had almost agreed to. The owner said he would send over the application and answers to our questions on Monday. We both felt good about this apartment.

When Monday came with no e-mail from the guy, I reached out to him to ask when we could expect it. His response was that he had just been diagnosed with COVID-19 and now wanted to sell instead of rent. This became all too much for me, and when I got back into Graham’s car as we were out running errands, I started screaming. I hadn’t screamed like this since a particularly bad day of work I had back when I worked at Target. It was cathartic, but I felt cold and disconnected from Graham for the rest of the day. Something had broken inside me, and I wasn’t sure if it was my heart, my soul, my mind, or all three. It took a while for me to recover, and honestly I’m still hurt and feel betrayed by this guy. I understand I cannot speak for what’s best for him or what he felt he should have done, but Graham and I felt that we were given the runaround by this guy. We scheduled another COVID test for ourselves, and tried to move forward.

We made it to New Year’s Eve, and stayed up to watch 2020 end. New Year’s felt somber this year, and it felt hard to celebrate the start of a new year when the one we just went through was so damaging.

But we made it. We’re here, and it’s the first week of January in 2021. Currently there are radical conservatives storming the Capitol protesting the electoral college results, but in less than 20 days, Trump will be out of office. I’ve given myself goals that are manageable for the new year, and Graham and I have three applications out for three different apartments, and there’s a chance we may be able to get the apartment we saw on Christmas Day. We keep moving forward, because the alternative is to not move at all.

And I refuse to allow that for myself.

literally so grateful i just found this???? this has been a huge wall in front of me these past few days since realizing how much disordered eating over the past few months has affected me, having to start entirely reevaluating how i’ve been approaching my relationship with food in the name of not neglecting my chronic illness stuff and how that exact same attitude of trying to make myself better actually just made me fuck up my digestive tract by avoiding certain foods (and food in general bc theres so much its so overwhelming and also now i’m too nauseous and weak to have an appetite!) and by extension make my chronic illness worse. and then now reading about refeeding i was worried because so much refeeding stuff seems to recommend a lot of dairy products and i even before these last few months dairy hasn’t been good for me for over a year (although not just lactose i was thinking it was casein too but also like . lol idk maybe its just another one of the phenomena thats talked about here) and wasn’t sure how to balance that when avoidance of foods i see as triggers for health got me here in the first place and at this point literally anything is gonna be too much for my gut and i gotta tough through that

uhhhh turned into a rant/vent about things unrelated to the article under this

kinda distressing though tbh to think about what IBS even like . Means . lol like it does make sense to see it more as a small part of the bigger picture of all my stuff and how my nerves and shit or w/e are wired as someone labeled in contemporary times as/with autistic/adhd/ocd/schizo/anxiety/fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue and its comforting to see it more as a symptom of how i can easily get out of wack from there instead of just. eternally always bad (although i was getting okay with that too like i value parts of myself enough i could deal with that being reality without too much mourning beyond how i have no accommodation under capitalism. but still this is better than that even) but its weird finding ways of saying i don’t have to lean into it too much that don’t kinda just trigger me thinking about doctors/peers/etc whove more just saw me as a burden and didn’t care to listen to me before dismissing things as all in my head thus i was exaggerating and not deserving of compassion/care/etc. i know i don’t mean that towards myself but the nuance is a lot to deal with after so recently having that used to hurt me all over again and then in trying to take care of myself actually hurting myself worse. so that adds a weird layer to things i hope i won’t get a complex about lolol but also i guess thats cool i don’t have to beat myself up for not sticking to a fodmap free diet or deciding it wasn’t worth trying to see if i had a gluten intolerance because the food i’d be avoiding would make me more upset than any pain i deal with. like ... whoa.. i wasn’t actually being unreasonable or ridiculous when i thought that or being self destructive?? and i started considering otherwise when i now realize i was already dealing with ED symptom stuff so like . i can tolerate most foods i think at least some of the time??

really curious if i can regain my lactose tolerance considering i only starting being intolerant in the past year so it wasn’t a primary lactose intolerance thing maybe?? and i had some on and off symptoms of my current behaviors that lead to this that whole time so that’d be really cool actually lol i miss just being able to enjoy dairy products (and in retrospect my aversion to even tasting them even with lactaid pills or somethign definitely was liek...... disordered eating stuff lol) 

also curious if my ED stuff had anything to do with my tremors or brain fog getting worse. i defintiely think at least somewhat like yeah. the timeframe makes sense. idk if thats the primary reason for those symptoms because i’ve had them at various points in my life in that combination but the recent upsurge in them and also the fact that most of those days were right after really bad nausea days and also how today i realized i was tremoring a lot in ways i directly associated with feeling weak because of trying to deal with ED related stuff i think that definitely will at least become less constant of a problem in getting over this. those are all symptoms i exhibit in various contexts with various physical and emotional pressures so i don’t think thats their only cause but i think that really does make me so much less worried about why the hell i’ve gotten so much worse so suddenly

scared about how long this will take i feel like i’ve only really had my eating become consistently disordered over the past couple months but idk i’ve had weird episodes for ages and if i really didn’t recognize this was even a problem til right this week idk if i’m thinking back accurately enough. its definitely worse in that period though bc my doctor 2 months ago (also wait... i guess that means its been even longer lol?? no way i lost that all in the couple weeks i really can look back and see my behavior as disordered before that appointment) remarked i lost like 15 pounds since my last visit 3 months ago (they also remarked like that was a good thing lol.) so i guess i’ll keep figuring that out its wild though reading that apparently just getting your stomach back to normal can take at least 2 months like it makes sense but like . jeez. hard to process that i did that and didn’t realize i’d like to think i’ve become so much more in tune with my body these past few years but i guess i’m not doing it the right way even if i’m glad i no longer just stay quiet and tough things out while suffering and dismissing it with no idea whats going on or why and feeling too ashamed and guilty to make it anyone elses problem and not pushing back when others dismiss the slightest thing i bring up. but yeah like i did a lot more than i thought i did with this but also i’m glad i caught it so early i feel almost too weird about saying i have an eating disorder like its like i acknowledged that this week and now i’m trying to recover so. thats good. idk i’ll see i’m sure i have a lot to learn and that kinda sucks i had enough to deal with already without this as a factor but!!!!

dont like/rb, see tags 

I hate that I feel guilty even doing this for myself. I hate that it’s so hard for me not to isolate into oblivion when I feel a few days off from slipping back into suicidal ideation. I know so much of this feeling’s just insomnia and I’m fighting it tooth and fucking nail, trying to get back into hobbies, taking a break from work, spending more time with the people I love even though all I want to do is stay in bed and swap between crying and sleeping. I’m so angry that no amount of meds or doing things right can make me feel good more than a fraction of the time I’m alive. I’m so angry that of the people who care about me, only one is selfless enough to tell me they understand if I have to die. I feel so fucking despaired that I’ve had fewer moments that I could feel myself loving myself than fingers on a hand, and that I don’t know if that can change. I’m in physical and mental pain every single day I’m alive. every single day. and the best I’ve been able to do for the past twelve years is distract myself from that. I don’t feel alive, I feel like I’m just coping with existing. what’s the point in that? things have gotten better, I hate myself less at least. I’ve met a lot of good people. I’m so grateful for that. but everything fucking hurts and I’m so exhausted.

I can’t force myself to eat right now. I was hungry hours ago when I was in and out of sleep. a few bites of food felt so intolerable. I’ve not eaten in 24 hours and I just fucking can’t make myself do it. weed’s the only thing that’s ever helped me when my appetite is like this and I can’t anymore cause I live with kids and like always, I’ve got to be responsible for them. I don’t get to take care of myself here and I’m too fucking disabled to support myself with a job, and the disability process takes fucking years and I CAN’T EVEN GET IT STARTED RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I’M FUCKING FALLING APART AND THE THOUGHT OF WORKING ON THOSE SHITTY FORMS FEELS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.

I don’t even feel real. I’ve slept so horribly for over a week that I can barely think and my head hurts and my body hurts and I just. wish for fucking once someone could fucking help me with what I need without needing to tell them because I don’t know what to say.

I wish I wasn’t strong. I hate when people tell me that like it’s a compliment, like it’s good and virtuous of me to be resilient. it feels like being told I’m good at suffering. yeah. I know I am. 

I don’t know if I want to die. I don’t know if I want to be alive either. I really just wish I could choose a time for an accident to happen to me so I can say my goodbyes without my loved ones hating themselves and feeling like failures. maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to stop taking care of them long enough to stop hurting so much. 

Congratulations | 2jae

📝 summary : Jaebum tries to get over Youngjae.

📝 pairing : Jaebum, Youngjae (GOT7)

📝 genre : angst

📝 word count : 1k

📝 notes : second chapter!! enjoy!

➢ 1

➢ 3

Chapter 2 : Get Over You

“You are my sunlight, and you are my dark. You are my beauty that comes from a star.”

It has been 10 months without you. How did I survive that long? I thought I was going to die of loneliness. The bags under my eyes have gotten worse, I could feel every bone sticking out of my body, but I never had the energy to eat.

I’ve considered drugs but your beautiful face came to my mind and telling me that it was wrong, so I didn’t. You come back to influence me, but can you come back to love me?

You inspired me to fix myself. I asked Jinyoung to come over to cook food, I cleaned our once shared apartment, and I picked up the broken pieces of my heart, though I knew, you are the only one capable of fixing it. I took a bath, and wore some decent clothes instead of the hoodies that smelled like you, soaking with tears. I ate a lot, well Jinyoung shoved everything in my mouth and I almost choked once.

When I finally stepped out of my apartment, it was like a whole new world. Its been so long since I have seen the sun because when you were with me, you were my sun.

I walked along the streets, looking through every store we’ve been to together. It hurts that I still haven’t heard from you. My heart still aches from the thought of you leaving me that night. I wish this was all a dream. That I will wake up from this nightmare and wake up next to you again.

I went inside your favorite plush toy store. I remembered how adorable you were trying to get me to buy you the plush toys and would sulk if I refuse. But I hated seeing you frown so I mostly would buy it for you.

There is so many things that I love about you and I can’t explain it in words alone. It would take me years. I continued walking, allowing my feet to take me somewhere that even I don’t know. I stopped by the riverbank. Remember that picnic basket that we abandoned because the police saw us having a date there at 3 am? We were such in a hurry to run that we forgot about it. It’s still there. I carefully jumped near it, picking it up and examining it as if it was an artifact found by an archaeologist. I wasn’t that surprised when I saw a rotten ham sandwich inside.

I decided to leave it there, in case you ever come back so we can look at it together and reminisce that time we were so happy we could just die. But where did that all go? I sighed and figured that I should go back home. To our apartment that faintly smells like you anymore.

I reached the subway train in a matter of minutes. I was lucky that there wasn’t so much people for a weekday, usually there would be a rush hour.. its rather weird. I was in a middle of my thoughts about you when the train stops, signalling a passenger. I looked up and I was astonished. 

I saw you.

But I soon regretted ever looking up as I saw you with someone. You were laughing with him, you were so happy. I could see how your eyes disappear when the guy beside you whispers something in your ear. And then we locked eyes.

They were so big. Like it could replace Pluto. It’s funny how you looked at me with such grief. You couldn’t keep an eye contact with me for more than 10 seconds. My world stopped as I saw the guy give you a peck on the lips.

Did he treat you better than I ever did?

He looked like a foreigner, he was skinny but his bulky biceps are enough proof that he is strong. I saw how he made you laugh so hard that you clutched your stomach and started hitting him. I also saw how he said something to you that made you blush like crazy.

Was his jokes better than mine? Was he a lot more cheesy than me?

Your smile, laugh and your usual sunshine aura made me realize how delighted you are, without me. How could you do this to me? You almost ruined my life and here you are, showing up and smiling like nothing ever happened between us. As if we were strangers.

Do you know how hurt I am? I never felt so betrayed in my life. As I see you rest your head on his chest, I start to realize things.

You don’t need me in your life anymore. You don’t love me anymore. All those memories we had will stay in the past forever.

You have someone new now. Someone who can make you happy more than I ever can. I hope that guy treats you well. I hope he’ll treat you better than I ever did so you wouldn’t have to leave him like you did with me. I felt so heartbroken. But seeing you happy and not suffering kind of makes me feel better. You know I’ll do anything to never make you sad.

Because that’s the price I willingly took when we started dating. I swore that no matter what, I wouldn’t make you feel pain. A feeling so intolerable that would’ve cost you death. But I don’t want that to happen to you. I still love you so much. I rather be the one suffering.

Thank you for all the fun memories we shared. Thank you for loving me at some point in our pitiful relationship that I treasure so much. Always remember that I love you. I sadly smile as you glanced at me again. The train stops and I rose up. Taking each step slowly. This is the start of the new me. The start of me, getting over you. Even though its hard, I’ll try my very best.

I hope you’re always happy. You and that foreign guy… you two look perfect for each other. I’m sad that I’m not the reason for your smile anymore. Maybe this is the end for us. Maybe this was a sign that made me open my eyes. That you don’t belong to me anymore. That we had officially broke up since the very start. 

This is the time for me to move on. The time for me to get over you.

Lit by the Sun

(I posted this earlier but that was just a link to the AO3 version, so here this is in full for all you Tumblr people.)

She came to the castle when she was young, only eleven or twelve, and looking for work. With Paris drenched in sweat and death and plague, there had been no home there for her anymore; and the castle in the gardens, with the sun shining on it like it would never end, seemed to promise that there she could be safe. She was clever enough not to knock at the front door, and rounded to the back, holding her few possessions close to her. She knocked, and the door opened, and warm hands took her in.

Mrs. Potts made sure she had tea and toast before she could start, and by the time she ended the kind woman's face was grave and sad.

"Many's there that died before they could get out," she said. "You were wise to come to us. Another slice? No? Well."

Plumette's eyes ranged around the room, taking in the friendly objects and the warmth and sunlight. It was so different here, compared to Paris; it was so alive.

"I'll have to speak to Mr. Cogsworth," continued Mrs. Potts, "but I shan't be surprised if he lets you stay. In an upstairs position, too, I should think; that silly maid he has now has worn out all patience from here to kingdom come. She can go back to the village, and you can stay with us."

Plumette did stay. That night she spread out in a feather bed—oh, it had been such a long time since she had had a bed like this!—and she felt a smile twitch at her face again, a new feeling after so long being quiet and still.

The first few years were good ones, full of sunshine; as long as Plumette dusted away from the Prince's father, she had no reason to worry. Every one liked her, and she had nothing to complain of—but those first few years seemed dull compared to the life that came later, when she had just turned fourteen.

"I am through with these village knick-knacks!" Cogsworth rumbled. "Idiot, bumbling, slow-minded, block-headed fumblers, all of them! They can go into the fields like scarecrows, all of them. We need a proper footman around here, one that won't trip over his own feet at a party."

Plumette hid her giggles. Cogsworth had been the one to trip last night, but he had blamed it on the nearest boy.

"I am going to write out and see if I can get someone with more refinement," continued the majordomo. "Proper manners! Preferably an army man. Someone quiet, genteel, unnoticeable. Someone rather more like me. Shouldn't take more than an hour or two."

Plumette glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece. Cogsworth's concept of time must be different from hers, if that's how long it would take to find another him.

Weeks later, and still no responses to Cogsworth's letters. Standing in the kitchen, Plumette polished the silver and hid her smiles at Cogsworth's latest tirade.

"It shouldn't be this difficult! The state of decay in this country is intolerable," he cried.  "The next one that shows up, I'm taking. They can't be any worse than this lot. I threw that last boy out by his ear."

"It is painful to be thrown out by the ears," said a new voice from the doorway. "I hope you think of something more original for me."

The whole kitchen turned around at the voice, and Plumette found herself peeking. A Parisian? After so long?

Only fifteen, the boy standing in the doorway looked smarter than paint: yellow vest, cream breeches, the latest styles that she'd only seen in fashion plates. Though his wig was slightly askew—it looked like he had run all the way here, just for the fun of it—he was smart, and trim, and laughing. Plumette loved it, not him, just it—the way the whole world around him was lit by the sun. And she could tell he loved the it, too.

"I don't want any mockery of protocol," Cogsworth was saying, "and I shan't have any liberties taken with etiquette—"

"What! No, of course. Why would we mess with etiquette? Ah, pardon me—" The boy was rescuing the table setting, rearranging glasses and forks, somehow flipping them and turning them as if they could dance. "—I just notice that your desert spoon is not quite right. It goes here, above the plate. And the white wineglass goes before the red."

"...really," said Cogsworth, and for once Plumette thought she heard a tick of admiration in the man's voice.

"Yes. But as you were saying! I would not dream of interrupting the way you do things here," said the boy. He had gotten to the stove, Plumette noticed, and somehow taken over for Mrs. Potts in stirring the sauce. "What you do is tres magnifique! I only wish to serve."

"Well...I suppose," grumbled Cogsworth. "I'll give you a week to prove you deserve to be a footman of ours."

"I'll be your best," said the boy, and winked at Plumette.

"What do you mean, you weren't raised by royalty?" Plumette was laughing. "Your manners are the finest. Your fashions are the most current! You cannot convince me you were not raised by the Sun King himself." Plumette didn't care a fig where he was raised. He just needed to keep talking.

"No, no! You misunderstand me, mon petite chou. Of course I was the King of my lane," and Lumiere was laughing, too, just to see Plumette keep laughing. "But I am the son of quite ordinary folk, I assure you. I learned to dance as a way to rebel," and he swept her into a waltz, and her dusting was quite forgotten, and it was lucky then that the prince's father hadn't come in. The prince's father would not care for how hard they were laughing, as they flew past all the beautiful objects he cared for so much; he would prefer it if they focused on the things they tended to, and not the people they were.

"Wigs! And dancing! As rebellion? Such sweet anarchy!" and Plumette collapsed, laughing, and Lumiere had to help her up. She was only sixteen, and he was her best friend.

"You are light as a feather when you dance," he observed. "But you fly off the handle at the smallest thing! Is there anything so strange about a workingman's son having some panache?"

"It is the strangest thing in the world," said Plumette, "and a transformation I refuse to abide." And she was still laughing when he kissed her hand.

He came to find her when she was crying. "Ma cherie? Ma cherie. You cannot stay in there forever."

"I can. I will. Go away, Lumiere."

"This is a lonely tower." He was standing outside the door, but he wasn't coming in. In her feather bed, Plumette stirred and cooed, with tears running down her face. "Don't remain out of my reach. Speak to me."

"He shouted." Plumette buried herself further in her blankets. "He calls me in, then mocks the way I do my face, then asks me to try some rouge on his. And then he shouts that I've got it wrong! It's push and pull; he's a young monster."

"Ah, the Prince is not so bad," murmured the voice outside the door. "He is having growing pains."

"He's been having them for years," retorted Plumette. "He's a beast."

"Yes, yes, a beast." Lumiere had found his way in. "The worst beast imaginable. With claws! And sharp teeth!"

Plumette started laughing through her tears. Lumiere nodded at the bed; she nodded back, and made room for him to sit beside her nest of feathers.

"He is only a little younger than us," said Lumiere. "What, only 18? Soon he will be a man. We all go through stages of the Beast."

"You didn't," said Plumette.

"Ma cherie! I was the worst beast. Untameable! A threat to man!"

"Oh, only occasionally." Plumette's tears had dried; she felt warm. "Thank you for coming to find me. You are my best friend."

"Ah, Plumette." He was quiet, now. "I would do anything to remain beside you."

His rare gravity made Plumette look up at him, a feather in her hair. "Lumiere? Why did we not...well, if you were a beast—why didn't you...?" She was getting flustered. He raised an eyebrow.

"I thought we chose not to. We did try. And I'm too brazen, and you—ah, you call yourself fragile, though I think you are far stronger than you know. It just seemed to go against what we are."

"But if we...if we decided that, that it was right..."

"Ma cherie?" His pet name for her was hushed; it had never sounded so sacred. "I will never push you. Are you, are you sure?"

She pulled him into a kiss. Ma coeur, he whispered, my heart; and Plumette's world lit up like the sun, and her world was aflame.

"After the ball?" she whispered. The dark outside the glow of the ballroom made a perfect place for confidences. "They never eat as much as they think they're going to. Take a half-done croquembouche and see what we can make of it?"

"Ah! You know how I love the taste of croquembouche." Lumiere was shining, and she laughed to see him all aglow in his finery. It had been years since she'd come to this castle for the first time, years since they'd met, years since they'd first loved; and her life was rich and golden and full of life, just as she'd come to expect it to be. Every day would be like this, every day forever.

"I'll meet you after the ball," he whispered, taking her hands in his and carelessly stroking each slim finger. "Run up to your room, as fast as my feet can take me. And then we'll make merry with good food and good dancing, and I will kiss that face until it gleams. Unless you would prefer I start now...?"

"No! Go attend to the monster," and she laughed. "You'll have to wait until after the ball to see this face. Save your kisses until you see me again. Lumiere, it shall be like minutes."

"Ma coeur, it shall be years."

She touched his warm hands and danced away. Only later would she look back at this conversation, and think, yes, years. It shall be years.

@farseersfool tagged me in this wonderful questionnaire! Thank you so much!

RULES: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions. (I can’t tag anyone today, but please do this if you’re interested!)

Long post after the cut

1.      coke or pepsi: After that commercial the other day, Coke.

2.      disney or dreamworks: Dreamworks, I think. They have How to Train Your Dragon and Kung Fu Panda and Shrek! But if Disney keeps creating stuff like Moana, I might have to switch.

3.      coffee or tea: Coffee, probably, but I can’t drink it. If I do, I’m wired and bouncy and awful. So I’m trying to switch over to tea. 

4.      books or movies: Definitely, definitely books. I can manage movies sometimes...but only if I can fidget and talk straight through it. Even TV shows are hard to sit through for me.

5.      windows or mac: Windows, because I can play more games.

6.      dc or marvel: Okay, so the Captain-America-Nazi thing was ATROCIOUS. But Marvel has those tiny, cute franchises like Patsy Walker AKA Hellcat and Squirrel Girl and nonviolent superheroes, and I like that trend. So I’ll go with Marvel, provided I don’t read any of the big-names anymore.

7.      xbox or playstation: PlayStation for life. (Sadly, though, I don’t have a PS4 and am therefore behind the times. RIP Horizon Zero Dawn)

8.     dragon age or mass effect: Dragon Age, definitely. I haven’t gotten around to playing Mass Effect.

9.      night owl or early riser: Being a night owl is the Worst Possible Thing for a depressed kiddo to be, and yet. I’m trying to switch to early bird, but it’s not working for me.

10.  cards or chess: Cards, definitely. There’s a lot more variety in what you can play, and I just like the feeling of shuffling.

11.  chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla. Not a huge chocolate fan.

12.  vans or converse: Ahahahahahaha you think I buy name-brand shoes. That’s hilarious. I’ve been wearing the life out of the same pair of sneakers for two years, and I don’t even know what brand they are. Payless brand.

13.  lavellan, trevelyan, cadash, or adaar: Oooh. I feel like Lavellan is more central to the plot and can interact more meaningfully with Inquisition’s setting, but I really, really loved playing an Adaar.

14.  fluff or angst: Fluff fluff fluff. Too much stress and I have to put the book down and step outside to breathe.

15.  beach or forest: Beach, and now I’m landlocked. (sigh)

16.  dogs or cats: Cats. Dogs are cute, but they don’t know when to leave you alone. Cats get personal space and kind of live their own lives.

17.  clear skies or rain: I loved the torrential downpours back in Houston, but now that I’m in Colorado, clear skies are SO nice. Not too warm, perfect for relaxing outside (I say from my computer chair).

18.  cooking or eating out: I order way too much take-out, I’ll admit that. I really love and miss cooking, but it’s hard to muster the energy.

19.  spicy food or mild food: Spicy! Well, it depends on the type. If you’re just chopping up 85 jalapenos for fun, then no thank you, but an Indian curry will get me every time. 

20.  halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: Solstice/Yule/Christmas is more family-and-friends-ish, so I like it a little better. I’m not a very spooky person.

21.  would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: I’m guessing this is excluding the possibility of wearing jackets or short sleeves to correct for temperature, right? Eesh. I’m rarely ever too hot, so I guess too cold, since at least I’m used to that.

22.  if you could have a superpower, what would it be: Shapeshifting yes please! I’m with you, Rowan.

23.  animation or live action: Animation. It’s just fun! And the art choices are so interesting to me (I can’t draw a stick figure, but I like seeing other people who can).

24.  paragon or renegade: Haven’t played Mass Effect, but my understanding is that Paragon is kinda the lawful good choice and Renegade is more chaotic, right? I’m sadly lawful good. So paragon. (And I’ve also heard that renegade is racist, so no thank you. Although I’ve also heard that renegade is passionate about defending their friends...)

25.  baths or showers: Baths are my relaxing “calm down everything’s okay” treat to myself. 

26.  team cap or team ironman: Um...as far as Superhero Rules go, I really loved Ta-Nahisi Coates’ article about this: Iron Man is the logical choice. Right? You can’t have superheroes running around exempt to all rules. But Cap is the heart-choice, because if you knew a rule would hurt your best friend in all the world, and you didn’t feel he deserved that punishment, you’d fight. In my head, Iron Man, because giving superheroes free reign is a recipe for disaster. BUT I think situations have changed: for better or worse, Marvel is very America-centric. So the one registering the mutants would probably be our president. Which would be Trump. So now I’m Team Cap. (Don’t get me wrong. Both superheroes are intolerable.)

27.  fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy...but it’s a tough call! I love my cyborg-futuristic-alternate-planet-space-operas SO much that I might have to switch that answer soon. Some really cool things have been happening in sci-fi lately.

28. do you have three or four  favourite quotes? if so what are they: “You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.” - Mary Oliver, “Wild Geese”

"If the ocean can calm itself so can you. We are both salt water mixed with air.” - Nayyirah Waheed, “Meditation”

29.  youtube or netflix: Netflix. There’s more of a quality guarantee.

30.  harry potter or percy jackson: Harry Potter. I really love the diversity in Percy Jackson, but I hit them too late to appreciate the jokey style of humor.

31.  when you feel accomplished: When I write and everything flies around and connects inside my head. It hasn’t happened for a long time.

32.  star wars or star trek: I’ve been told I’d like Star Trek more, especially old-school philosophical Trek, but I don’t know enough about it to say. 

33.  paperback books or hardback books: Paperbacks are my preference, but I get so many hardbacks from the library that my preference is switching.

34.  horror or rom-com: They’re both actually really tense (interpersonal conflict stresses me out!). But maybe rom-com, since I can sleep afterwards.

35.  to live in a world without literature or music: I get to pick? I’m actually going to go with a world without literature, because then we could all return to oral storytelling and ballads, and because if I couldn’t hum then I’d never do the dishes.

36.  pastel colours or dark colours: Dark, but actual colors: not just black, but maroon and plum and navy blue and the like. 

37.  tv shows or movies: Movies...? TV shows are doing such marvelous and interesting things, but I never, ever finish them, because I can’t binge-watch to save my life and I always find something else that needs doing.

38.  city or countryside: I grew up visiting my grandfather’s land, and I loved getting up early in the morning when the sky was all misty and the world was quiet. Then I moved to a Tiny Country Town and realized exactly how wonderful-but-awful that kind of place could be. I’m glad my still-there friends are turning it into a better place, but now I prefer the city. 

39.  if any other zodiac sign could describe you, what would it be: I remember everyone posted the What Zodiac Thingamajig are You lists for a while, and Virgo was always something like “glaring over your spectacles,” and Pisces was “You’re a nice fluffy bunny who daydreams too much and flakes out and sometimes cries because flowers can’t sneeze.” So Pisces, I guess? 

40.  if you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life what would it be: ahahaha, you think I listen to albums. 

41.  cinema or theatre: Theatre! Much more interactive, especially tiny theaters where the performers are right near you. I can’t focus on movies (the screen maybe?), but I just end up staring at theater slack-jawed.

42.  if you could be any fictional character’s best friend, who’d you be: So many of my favorite characters have such difficult lives. 

43.  smiling or smirking: Smiling? I can’t really smirk.

44.  are you an ‘all or nothing’ type or are you more consistent: All or nothing. I’m trying to develop consistency.

45.  playlists or your whole library on shuffle: Whole library on shuffle! My mom swears by playlists, but I want to always be surprised.

46.  travelling or staying at home: I like traveling. Really truly honestly: I’m used to uncomfortable sleeping situations, and for some reason all of my road trips have ended up being bizarrely in-depth and soul-searching. Plus I like seeing new places. 

47.  books or fanfiction: Books, but I still love fanfiction and applaud those who write it!

48.  If you could live in a fantasy world, what world would it be: One of those integrated-fantasy worlds, where it’s just like ours only fey creatures and divergent multicultural myths have been added in. I’d really love to wait behind a centaur at Starbucks.

49.  your favorite cartoon: Steven Universe, but I just discovered Phineas and Ferb and it’s delightful. 

50.  name the weirdest five songs on your itunes, current or past: Let’s see. “The Pirate Ninjas from Dino Island” was egregious. Mrs. Burch’s science songs (please tell me someone remembers). Some bagpipe cacophony. Everyone says “No Blue Thing” was weird but it was my favorite for YEARS. And there’s this song from Amelie that starts with aysynchronous piano notes, tosses in a bunch of snapping and whistling, ties in accordion music, and ends on a music box. I don’t remember the title, but that one was odd.

51. a favorite song that starts with the same letter as your name: Last name work? “By Yon Bonnie Banks.” 

52. the last inanimate object you named: my House Squid! Its name is Herman.

Thank you for this again! I won’t tag anyone this time...I’m still too sporadic on Tumblr, so whoever wants can do it. But thank you again!

Weekend Reading, 11.11.18

For dietitians, the DI year is supposed to be a pre-professional experience, supervised work that prepares us for the realities of practice. One of these realities, I’m starting to realize, is the exercise of judgment.

When I started the DI, I assumed that I’d be trained in guidelines and standards that would neatly inform all of my interventions and decisions. I’ve gotten plenty of exposure to evidence-based guidelines and best practices, but what I didn’t understand before the DI—and what I’m coming to understand now—is that the rules only go so far.

In a clinical or practice setting, a lot of the cases we see end up falling into gray areas. A patient presents with multiple complaints or diagnoses, all of which are significant, but some of which are more high priority than others. It’s the dietitian’s job to decide which nutrition problems are the most urgent and in need of addressing; in some cases, interventions for various problems might actually conflict.

Weighing treatments against each other, learning to prioritize nutrition problems, understanding the difference between medical nutrition therapy as it was taught to me in a classroom vs. real-world application: this isn’t something that I learned in school. It’s something I’m learning now, from my preceptors and my patients. The most daunting part of it all is the fact that preceptors can only guide me so far.

The other day, my preceptor pointed out to me that the calorie need estimate that I’d made for a patient was in keeping with clinical recommendations, but the actual energy intake looked, on paper, a little too low. I agreed, but I hadn’t been able to reconcile the discrepancy because I was so hung up on following calorie per kilogram guidelines for the disease state in question. “Use your clinical judgment,” my preceptor told me. “If the estimate looks low to you, then it probably is.”

It’s hard for me to do this when I show up to work each day. It feels less risky to memorize a set of rules and apply them diligently than to take a step back and ask myself whether what I’m seeing or recommending looks right, feels right, sounds right. Part of what I’m getting hung up on, I realize, is the idea that judgment and guesswork and intuition have no place in a clinical setting. I want to believe that everything in a hospital can work according to evidence and procedure.

I’m off—way off, really—in this kind of thinking. Everything I’ve ever learned working in healthcare environments has suggested to me that the most able practitioners are the ones who have developed clinical instincts. The physician I worked for in DC was exceptional precisely because she’d take risks and leaps of faith with her intuition as a diagnostician: even when a diagnosis wasn’t obvious, she’d have have a sneaking suspicion that it was right, and she’d investigate accordingly. Her instincts were usually confirmed, and even when they weren’t, she gained valuable information in pursuing them.

Intuition and judgment intimidate me right now because I can’t memorize them or develop them by sitting at home with a stack of flash cards. I have to build toward them through practice and exposure, which will involve some errors, and that’s what last week’s post was all about.

In the last few days, though, I’ve had some heartening reminders that I have better judgment than I give myself credit for. A few of them have happened on the job: I allowed myself to trust an instinct and then had it affirmed by evidence or validation from my preceptor.

But what’s helped me the most is actually thinking back to the nutrition counseling work I’ve done in the past, with far less clinical training than I have now, and realizing it has already given me much of the intuition that I need. If nothing else, it’s taught me to listen carefully to people, to pay attention, and paying attention is where clinical judgment springs from.

I’ve also been thinking about judgment, discernment, and decision making as they pertain to my broader responsibilities and identity as a practitioner. In the past few days I’ve been struck by how often I feel as though I don’t fit nearly into many of the communities or schools of thought that I work alongside in the nutrition space. I celebrate vegan nutrition, but I don’t always communicate or message the lifestyle the way other plant-based practitioners do. I’m evidence-based, but I’m also interested in the spiritual dimensions of well-being, the ways in which human beings give meaning to their own healing narratives. I’m inspired by the ideals of intuitive eating, but I stop short of thinking that it’s the only approach for all people; I always let my clients guide me in determining a philosophical framework for eating. I move through lots of different nutrition/food spaces, but rarely with a sense of full belonging.

Case in point: on Thursday night, in our DI class, we had our eating disorder lecture. I felt the same thing I felt when I spoke at the Balance panel last spring, which was that I’m deeply admiring of the work being done in the ED treatment space, and I’m also not at home there. The way I’ve come to understand, define, and experience recovery is at odds with a lot of the prevailing thinking about what “full recovery” means. The importance I’ve allowed food to have in my life would defy many practitioners’ conception of what a healthy relationship with food looks like. And my veganism is certainly at odds with the common assumption in treatment circles that food selectivity is always “smoke and mirrors.”

I’m at peace with this. When I left that lecture, I actually felt more solid in recovery than I have in a while, given how challenging my body dysmorphia has been (still is, honestly) this fall. And I felt reminded of what I’ve always believed, which is that all of us who have had tangled relationships with food will ultimately come to understand recovery in our own way. I understand not acting on destructive impulses, engaging in healthful behaviors, and cultivating self-compassionate thoughts as a firm, ED recovery bottom line. I’d stop short of telling any person what the meaning of recovery is, or what it looks like. I know what mine looks like, and that’s all I know.

These musings look scattered when I glance over them, but for me, it all feels connected. This has been a week of learning to trust in my instincts, of having the courage to acknowledge that I have my own perspective on things. Nothing makes me feel safer or better or more accomplished than doing a stellar job of being what other people (or institutions, or programs) want me to be: meeting and exceeding expectations, hitting goals, scoring well. Even now, at thirty-six years of age, I’m a hopeless teacher’s pet. But the whole point of this education is to head out into the world and do my own work, even and especially when it means sticking to my guns.

I wish you a week of feeling tuned into your own intuition. Thanks for reading, as always, and here are the recipes and reads that caught my eye this week.

Recipes

This and next week’s recipe picks will be all about things I’d love to have on my theoretical Thanksgiving table! First up: Kristen’s autumn roasted pumpkin curry.

A great looking (and easy!) quinoa stuffing from my friend Sophia.

Loving Sarah’s perfectly seasonal, garlicky roasted green beans.

Dessert #1: Kristina’s awesome, cozy cinnamon baked apples.

Dessert #2: Will someone please give me a big slice of Emilie’s scrumptious vegan pumpkin cheesecake with chocolate crust?!

Reads

1. If you’re as excited as I am about holiday baking, this quick flour primer from the folks at The Kitchn may come in handy.

2. I love the idea of toy libraries, which have the potential to build upon “the social foundation that people already understand from traditional book-lending libraries . . . a kind of infrastructure for sharing and disseminating knowledge.” Not to mention an important place for kids to play, to explore, to savor unstructured time.

3. So much I agree with in Shayla Love’s frank, gutsy take on food intolerance testing. There is a growing body of tests being marketed as valid, reliable means of diagnosing food intolerances. The problem is that food intolerances are more incompletely understood than food allergies, for which there is a long-established, known mechanism. And the presence of IgG antibodies, contrary to what intolerance test marketers claim, isn’t necessarily indicative of an intolerance. It can simply mean that you’re eating a certain food pretty often, which has the particularly insidious result of forcing unsuspecting consumers to eliminate foods they love and rely upon.

More importantly, at least from a mental health perspective, these tests tend to capitalize upon the idea that, if you have GI distress, you’re being quietly sickened or poisoned by food. Love writes,

The problem with these tests isn’t that the truth is being hidden from consumers, it’s that: if you are struggling with any kind of disordered eating or thinking patterns, you will latch onto them despite what the evidence says . . . Because of my OCD, I also love rules, and once I implement a rule, it’s extremely difficult for me to break it, as it becomes a ritual. As last year went on, and I got my anxiety under control again, I still couldn’t manage to eat those foods.

Love also interviews gastroenterologist Emeran Mayer, who notes that the anxiety associated with identify certain foods as potential triggers or intolerances can actually create—via the nocebo effect, which I spent a lot of time studying as a master’s student—the very cascade of symptoms that folks are hoping to get relief from:

He thinks everyone is vulnerable to the underlying mental booby traps these tests put out there: The idea that there are foods, healthy foods, that are secretly making you sick. The anxiety such a thing creates is not benign, he says . . .

. . .  [w]hen people have extreme anxiety, the brain generates stress signals that travel to the gastrointestinal tract through the autonomic nervous system and the vagus nerve. This stress can change a lot of aspects of the gut and digestion. It can alter transit time of food through the digestive system, it can change blood flow or immune responses, it can change secretion of mucus, and all of those changes can then affect the bacteria that live in your gut, or your microbiome.

‘If you’re walking around being stressed around your food and being constantly worried, that is becoming kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy from the nocebo effect,’ he says . . . ‘But also it changes your gut-environment context in a way that can compromise the proper digestion of food. There’s a really close link between anxieties, food-related stress, and gut dysfunction.’

Of course certain food can serve as very real triggers for digestive distress: this can be true of high FODMAP foods for those who are sensitive to them, and more broadly, some of us just have a hard time digesting certain things (onions, crucifers, raw veggies, spicy food—you name it).

But it has been my overwhelming experience that the dialog about intolerances in the wellness space is often scientifically misleading, and that the anxiety it creates can actually compound and worsen GI distress. I think it’s so important for practitioners who work with digestive health to remain vigilant of food-related anxiety and disordered eating, addressing intolerances only in a way that’s evidence-based and sensitive to the health and well-being of patients.

4. I’m grateful to Carrian for introducing me to the phrase, “if you’re on the right path it will always be uphill.” Not sure I agree with the “always” bit, but I need a lot of reminders that struggle and pain are a natural, important part of life experience. Or, to quote from one of my wise readers, “it’s not easy and it isn’t supposed to be.”

5. Finally, and while we’re on my favorite topic of the placebo/nocebo effect, the New York Times shares new insights into how the placebo effect really works.

Happy Sunday, everyone. I’m back this week with a new, tasty, low-maintenance Thanksgiving recipe!

xo

The post Weekend Reading, 11.11.18 appeared first on The Full Helping.

Weekend Reading, 11.11.18 published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

This 8 Months Baby Update will be the shortest to date since the last one was so late and I wanted to make sure this one was posted closer to the actual date Roark turned 8 months.

This past month we went camping for the first time in our travel trailer and we purchased a child carrier specific for hiking. Roark preferred this carrier over the others we have used with him because it was more roomy and gave him enough space to stand up if he wanted and was comfortable enough to fall asleep in, which he did several times. The rain/sun shade that we also purchased for this trip came in handy as the sun was out in full force. Camping with a 8-month old in our travel trailer was actually pretty easy, we just went with the flow and kept a similar routine we have at home – one of the perks of having an actual bed, kitchen and bathroom available.

8 Months Baby Update

Baby R’s Stats

At Birth:  6lbs 12oz, 19.5 inches tall, size newborn clothes and diapers.

2 weeks old: 7 lbs 3oz and measured 20.25 inches tall, size 0-3 months clothes and size 1 diapers.

2 months old: 11 lbs 11oz and measured 22.75 Inches tall, size 3-6 months clothes and size 2 diapers.

4 months old: 15 lbs 6 oz and measured 25.5 inches tall, size 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers.

5 months old: 16 lbs 14 oz and measured 25.75 inches tall, size 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers.

6 months old: 17 lbs 10 oz, 27.5 inches tall, size 12 months clothes and size 3 diapers during the day and 4 at night.

7 months old: 18 lbs 8 oz, 27.5 inches tall, size 12 months clothes and size 4 diapers.

8 months old: 19 lbs 8 oz, 27.5 inches tall. size 18 months clothes and size 4 diapers.

* If you are wondering why I include clothes and diaper sizes is because when I was pregnant I had no idea what size clothes to buy and which size diapers to stock up. So by listing it here I can give you a glimpse into how fast babies grow and also remember what it is like if I ever have a second child.

Feeding

I spoke too soon on last month’s update about Roark outgrowing his dairy/soy intolerance. He may be less intolerant, but he still has a reaction to it specially if I eat something with dairy a few days in a row, even if in small amounts. I don’t know if I mentioned before what is like for a baby to have a reaction from dairy/soy. It’s like they are in excruciating pain along with gas, hard stomach from bloating, diarrhea and diaper rash. Spitting up can also happen. I just absolute feel floored when I see him cry and fuss all day with no relief and know that it’s something I ate. Those days I wonder if I should just switch to formula.

I am also a little worried that Roark seems to be gaining weight, but seems to have not grown in height lately. I know he’s supposed to slow down, but shouldn’t he grow a little? His next pediatrician appointment is not until next month, so I will have to keep a closer eye on him this month.

Diapering

Baby R screams and cries when we change his diapers. It’s the weirdest thing. He has never liked having his diapers changed since he was born, but around 4 months he had gotten used to it. Now it seems that he’s back at hating it. As soon as I lay him down, it starts. I’ve started distracting him with a small toy or book, and that seems to do the trick for now. He has also started to want to crawl mid diaper change so pretty soon I may have to start changing him on the ground.

Sleeping

We were experiencing a sleep regression last month and Baby R’s naps were thrown out of whack. He seems to be slowly getting back to taking 2-3 naps a day now and since I started putting him down on his pack and play with the TV on, he seems to stay asleep and get 40-90 solid minutes of rest. I have also in the past couple days upped his calorie intake before bed serving him oatmeal cereal right before his night routine in the hopes that he wouldn’t wake up as often during the night. It seems to be working (fingers crossed). He is back to waking up every 3 hours, which is still not ideal, but at least it’s far enough apart that I can get some rest as well. If he keeps doing well with the added food, I will work on dropping the nightly feedings.

Developmental – 8 months update

Spends 80% of his time standing up on whatever he can get to

Has “shuffled” around furniture – not far, just a couple steps

Has learned to crawl underneath furniture

Can take his shirt off

Post-partum update

A post coming soon!

Some Thoughts on Motherhood

Have I told you how much more I appreciate my mom since I became a mother myself? I know, everybody tells you that, but I always thought it was because I would have to pay for all the horrible things I put my mom through those rebellious teenager years. Ok, so maybe it lasted a lot longer than teenage hood. I was and still am as stubborn as a Rottweiler.

Some people say that it’s because after you have a kid, you understand how much your own mother loved you. Part of it is true, but I always knew my mom loved me deeply even when we would fight like cats and dogs.

So what has made me appreciate my mom a whole lot more? The fact that she took care of me and continues to take care of me while I take care of my little one. My mom spent a month at my house after I delivered Roark, making meals, getting things for me while I breastfed, cleaning my house… letting me only worry about taking care of Roark and healing. I wish everyone could have support and love like that. It is a stressful time of change and having other things to worry like making meals or cleaning the house just add to the stress. I credit my mom’s help and reassuring presence for not falling into the motherhood blues like so many women experience. I also credit her with being able to sleep at least one week of the month since then, when she visits, which keeps me sane and recharged.

I know I am very lucky that my mom can do that for me. I know it’s not everybody’s situation. I am just very thankful that she has been here for me, specially since she didn’t get to experience the same love and support from my grandmother who unfortunately passed away when I was 6 months old. What a horrible time it must have been for my mom. I never gave it much thought until now…

Thanks mom! I love you now more than ever and I am very blessed to have you in our lives! (Oh! And don’t cry too much…because I know you will…)

This is my motherhood tidbit for you this month. I hope you enjoyed this 8 months baby update. If you would like to see Roark, watch the video here.

xoxo

Jana

8 Months Baby Update This 8 Months Baby Update will be the shortest to date since the last one was so late and I wanted to make sure this one was posted closer to the actual date Roark turned 8 months.

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Where is your favorite place to get fries? Hmmm I really like the fries from Jollibee and Bonchon, if we’re talking about fries as a side. But we have a local place called Potato Corner that mainly sells fries and they make the besssssst ones; it’s my go-to snack when I go to the movies or if I just wanna chew on something while at the mall.

What is the most recent article of clothing you’ve purchased? Yellow and black tops with puffed sleeves since they were getting in style, at least before the quarantine.

Have you ever paid for anything with a check? Not my own, obviously; but my mom has given me checks to pay for mine and my sister’s tuition fees back in high school.

Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? So many kids here in the Philippines. The usual situation is that parents would still be climbing the ranks while their kids are little so they’d be under the care of extended family, and for the most part it’s the grandparents who would assume the task. In my case, I was raised by my maternal grandparents and an aunt for my entire childhood.

Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? Yeah, in Grade 7 home economics when we had to. Never made pie on my own time/for leisure.

Who was the last person you had an in-depth conversation with? Gabie.

Are there any waterfalls nearby? I guess so. It’s on the other side of the city, but then again that’s only about 15 minutes away and I would say that’s nearby.

What was the last food item you ate? Lumpiang shanghai and rice.

What are your earliest memories of going to see a doctor? Going to the school doctor in my first year of kindergarten to have my eyes checked. I remember being asked to peer into a machine, but I don’t remember what I saw anymore.

Can you hear traffic right now? I could never hear traffic from where I live and for anyone also living in a gated village, this is always the case.

Have you ever pulled a muscle? I may have, but only once or twice.

What did you do last weekend? I hung out with my dog, last Saturday my dad bought a sushi platter to celebrate my thesis getting approved, and last Sunday I collected all of Kimi’s baby photos because I realized I hadn’t looked back on his old pictures for a while. Here’s one that we took when he was two :)

What is your favorite gaming console? The PS2 gave me many of my most cherished memories; and it had badass games, too.

Are you talking to anyone via instant messaging right now? Nope.

Have you kissed someone today? Not since March 7th, eugh.

What is your favorite condiment? Mayonnaise. 

Do you have a strong opinion for or against Justin Bieber? He has definitely said and done questionable things both in the past and present that keeps me from rallying behind him 100%, but honestly his music has gotten better over the years lol. My personal favorite is the entire Purpose album.

Have you used a telephone today? I only have to use the telephone when my grandma calls, and the last time I had to do this was when she called on my birthday.

Do you prefer coffee or tea? Cooooooffeeeeeeee. The only time I get to drink tea is if it’s a freebie at a hotel or restaurant, but I never buy it for myself.

Have you taken a painkiller today? Yeah. This morning my body gave me signs that let me know I was about to faint – super sweaty, tunnel vision, dizziness, stumbling – and even though I was able to handle it and end up conscious, my head was still being weird a couple of hours later so I drank a Biogesic pill to make it go away.

How many theaters does the closest movie theater from your house have? I honestly can’t remember. I tried checking their website but it shouldn’t be a surprise that they have no data on their cinemas right now.

Do you always have a stock of alcohol in your house? Only because my parents aren’t big drinkers and they drink like, every six months. The stock of alcohol we’ve constantly had are ones they bought from way way back and they just haven’t consumed. I would drink them myself, but it’s all beer or wine so no thanks.

Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? No, not a thing here. Starbucks did bring it here for a short time last Octoberish? but it was always sold out whenever I’d try to order it, and eventually I just stopped trying.

Have you had a nap today? I took a nap all afternoon so I’ll probably be up very late tonight.

Is there an antique store in your town or city? I’m not ruling it out. If there is, I haven’t heard of it yet.

Have you ever been to a baby shower? Again, not a thing here. It’s such a first world thing hahaha. I do think my generation is gonna be the first one to make baby showers a thing though.

Do you have a hyphenated name or know anyone with one? (eg. Carter-Brown) I don’t have one. I know several people.

What would you wear if you were being taken out to dinner tonight? I’d assume the dinner would take place at home, so I’ll wear a simple dress.

What were the last shoes you wore? A pair of Nikes.

Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? I...don’t think so.

Have you ever had a mojito? I’ve had a sip or two, but I’ve never ordered it for myself.

Do you take your Christmas decorations down before or after New Years? End of January. The Christmas season in the Philippines doesn’t end until then.

What is the first thing you do when you get online? I go on my Facebook to check if I got any notifications while asleep. 

How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? Technically two, but they’ve been with the same person.

Have you ever been camping in the wilderness? I have not been camping, period.

Do you have any money on you right now? I have my last ₱1000 bill in my wallet. I used to have ₱2500++ but my dad has kept borrowing my money throughout quarantine and now I’m down to my last bill. I honestly can’t complain about it though, it’s not like I can use the money any time soon, plus my allowance is his hard-earned money to begin with.

Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Only if it comes to fruits or any grandma food like raisins, dates, fruitcake, food for the gods, etc. I dunno if those are food universally loved by grandmas but those are definitely what my lola loves, hence me classifying them as grandma food to make it easier lol.

Have you made a large purchase today? Not since Christmas.

What was the last candy you ate? Does Fererro Rocher count as candy? :/ I had one two or three weeks ago.

How often do you eat Subway? Once every two years, tops. It’s not my restaurant of choice and I only ever ate there when I would drive Gabie to her school extra early, and it’s the only place that would be open at 6:30 AM.

Have you ever lived in a house with a pool in the yard? I have not.

What color is your toothbrush? Maroon and white.

Do you have gluten intolerance or anyone who does? No and no.

Have you ever cried while watching a movie? For sure.

First thing that catches your eye when you look out the nearest window? The curtains covering the window.

Have you ever had a migraine? Occasionally. It only happens when I’m extremely stressed or if I don’t realize that I’ve been pushing myself too hard, which doesn’t happen a lot.

Do you have a gym membership? No.

Have you locked your front door today? Yep.

Have you ever slept in a car overnight? Yes. The thing about my mom is that she doesn’t let me stay out criminally late if I plan to go home, but by some weird reasoning on her end, I can stay out criminally late if I say I’ll be sleeping over at someone else’s which to me has always been like ??????? LMAO so anyway, that’s always been my story if I have plans to drink out, party, etc – that I’ll be sleeping over at a friend’s. But the truth is I don’t always have a friend that I can sleep over with, so for nights like those I have to sleep in the car.

Have you washed the dishes today? Just my own.

Have you ever fainted? I’ve only been extremely close to fainting, to the point where people have to carry me because my legs are jelly. But I haven’t lost consciousness.

Have you been awake before sunrise today? No. I’ve been waking up quite late during quarantine.

When was the last time you went to the bank? I’ve never had to go to the bank. If I do, it’s just to accompany my mom who will sometimes withdraw money while we’re out.

Do you avoid conflict as much as possible? Yes.

Have you ever used a leaf blower? We don’t even have one of those. We have someone in the village who gets paid to use one.

424

A health survey. Must be fun.

What health problems do you have right now? Well my back is a bitch 24/7; my joints hurt when it gets cold; I have scoliosis; and mentally speaking I’m not very stable either. I sound 60. Are you in chronic pain? Never been diagnosed with such, no. What do you take medications for? I don’t. I probably need to, but the state of mental health care in the Philippines is just so inaccessible: it’s expensive, available services are few and far between, and anyone younger than 21 needs to get written consent from their parents, which can be difficult if someone’s parents don’t actually believe in mental health issues. There is a lot of work to be done. What are some health issues you have had in the past? My lactose intolerance was a problem when I was an infant. My family didn’t know I had it, so they kept panicking when I would just poop out all the milk they fed me all day and when my stomach would end up storing nothing. It got critical and I had to be sent to the hospital, but it turned out well after. Do you have allergies? Nope. Free to eat and be in contact with anything.

If so, what are you allergic to? Have you ever been to an allergist? No, never had to. Have you ever been to the ER? Mmm nope, never been in an emergency situation. Have you ever been treated poorly in the ER? Have you ever been told your symptoms were anxiety, when they weren't? I haven’t been tested for that. When I was doing my health exam for university though, they did review my mental health and suspected me of having depression, but they didn’t declare symptoms or formally diagnose me or anything. What is the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? Probably scraping and kicking my feet against coral reefs when I went snorkeling back in ‘09. I had no flippers and I was panicking (I wasn’t used to using the snorkeling mask to breathe) so I was thrashing my legs around in the water. I knew I was hitting the coral reefs and they were fucking sharp, but I was panicking so I powered through even though it meant I had to hit them every time I kicked. It was painful while I was swimming and even more painful in the weeks that followed. It was the worst infected wound I’ve ever had. Just imagine kicking a razor-sharp boulder with your bare feet. How many surgeries have you had? Zero. I hope I never need any, the thought of surgery terrifies me. What types of surgery have you had? Have you always recovered well from surgery? Have you ever been treated poorly by a doctor? YES!!! The ones in my university’s health service are horrible. Case in point, my health exam for admission to UP: I know it’s part of a doctor’s job, but the doctor assigned to me back then touched my breasts very hastily to check for suspicious bumps. It would have helped tons if 1) she gave me a heads-up beforehand and 2) asked permission, but this lady just told me to lie down and went ahead to stick her hand under my shirt. As someone who had only been fresh out of Catholic school at that point, it was the perfect opportunity to panic. Same doctor was the one who suspected I was depressed after reviewing my mental health form, but instead of being helpful she DEMANDED reasons why I felt that way. I was already uncomfortable with the boob incident by then and was too stunned to speak, so I just kept saying I was fine and that I was mentally stable. In reality I just wanted to get out from that nasty old bitch. Have you ever had a doctor tried to kill you? Oh well that’s just taking it a million times further. No. Is your primary care doctor a man or a woman? I don’t have one. Have you had the same primary care doctor your whole life? We don’t have a family doctor. Are you happy with your current doctor? Have you ever seen a specialist for anything? X-ray technicians. I had trips to see them the most when we found out I had scoliosis.   What is the most itchiest thing you have ever experienced? I had weird rashes on my legs one time in high school, and since I was stubborn I kept scratching them until they turned into nasty black and blue wounds/bruises and cuts. I still have no idea where they came from. Have you ever had a severe itch, that you'd rate a 10? ^ That. On a scale of 1-10, what's the worst physical pain you've ever been in? The coral reef incident is an easy 20. Have you ever passed out from pain? Noooooo. Passing out from pain is one of my greatest fears. I avoid encountering anything painful as much as I can just because I’m scared of the thought of passing out because of pain. Have you ever thrown up from pain? Nope. Just from drinking and expired barbecue lmfao. Do you have any food intolerances? If so, to what? It’s not official, but I hate fruits. Like, I can immediately tell if something has fruit in it and I will spit it out accordingly. That and raisins. Do you have any food sensitivities? If so, to what? Nope. What medications are you allergic to? Do you have acne? A small pimple shows up every now and then (mostly when I’m stressed or if my face gets oily) but it’s never been a full-on breakout. I’ve been lucky when it comes to acne. Do you take birth control pills? I don’t. I want to take them just because I heard it makes your breasts get bigger hahahahahaha but Gab is adamant about not letting me take them. Are your hormones screwed up? Mm no, they’re not that bad. Obviously they act up when I’m nearing or on my period e.g. cravings, crying all the time, being sensitive about everything, but not to the point that my period is irregular or gives me severe dysmenorrhea. Do you have bad withdrawals from medications? I don’t take meds to begin with. What are some withdrawal symptoms you've had? What are some bad side effects of medications that you've had? Have you ever gained weight from a medication? If so, how much? Have you ever had to take Prednisone? Never even heard of it. If so, did it make you gain weight and make your face puff up? Looks like I’m skipping lots of questions. How many hours a sleep do you need? Don’t adults need 8 hours, in general? How many hours a sleep do you get? I try to make it to 8, but I’ve been really busy for this semester that it ends up being 5-7 hours instead. Do you exercise enough? I don’t at all, haaaaaaaaaaah. Do you eat healthy? I do like vegetables and will happily eat salads and sandwiches with veggies packed in them, but I tend to balance it out with grossly unhealthy food anyway, so you decide if this still counts as healthy. Are you on a special diet for your health? No, I don’t think I need to be. Are you trying to lose weight or gain weight? Gain, which I’m on the way to doing. I’m a little chubbier now compared to high school. Are you a healthy weight? I’m 90 lbs. the last time I checked. Relative to my height, that’s underweight. Are you happy with your weight? Sure, but gaining a few pounds wouldn’t hurt either. How often do you wash your hair? Everyday if I’m in school; every other day if I’m on summer break. Do you take showers or baths? Showers. How often do you shower or bathe? ^ Same thing. Do you take vitamins? If so, which ones? I used to take two vitamin syrups everyday when I was younger: one for vitamin C and the other to help me grow taller. When I got a little older my mom changed our usual syrups to these cute vitamin C gummy bears, then after a while I just stopped taking. What bones have you broken? Haven’t broken any, fortunately.  What's the worst physical injury you've had? Aside from my icky foot infection, I had a bad fall in school a few months ago and my ankle got sprained pretty bad. I don’t think I gave it A+ treatment so it never really fully healed. I know this because the same foot still hurts whenever it’s in an odd position or when I shift too much of my weight on it. Do you have sensitive skin? Yes. It eventually gets itchy when my skin is out in the open. In high school, I often had a hard time walking from point A to B because my skin would always get irritated, but I couldn’t scratch it because I was wearing a skirt. What chemicals make you sick? Toxic ones, I would assume? Haha. What time of year do you usually get sick? I never get sick. What's the highest fever you've ever had? 40ºC. It was a dengue scare. Have you ever had the flu? Sure, a few times here and there. Have you ever had bronchitis? Nope. Have you ever had an ear infection? I don’t remember having one. Do you snore? Only when I’m so tired that I’m 130% passed out. What pain reliever do you use for cramps? My menstrual cramps never get that bad. If you're female, what symptoms do you get when on your period? My pelvis area and legs hurt; I cry over everything; I’m sensitive when people are angry; I will essentially take everything personally; my cravings either change every 5 minutes or I just want one food and I will murder to get such craving; I get very poopy; and sometimes I’ll get very drowsy. Do you have regular periods? Pretty much, yes. Sometimes they’ll be a few days early or late but very rarely does it go completely irregular. Are you afraid of shots? Deathly afraid. Like I would do everything to avoid having to take them.  Have you ever donated blood? No. Even if I wanted to, I’m not allowed to (underweight). Plus you have to be pricked for that, which is a Huge No-No for me. Do you do well with shots? If I absolutely have to have a shot, I can manage albeit with a lot of fidgeting. What I’m terrible with is IV. I had a huge meltdown the one and only time I needed to have a needle injected onto my wrist. I was a 12 year old grown ass person thrashing around in the hospital room lol. What x-rays have you had? Just my spine. Have you ever gotten a pill or a piece of food stuck in your throat? Pill-stuck-in-throat sensation happens sometimes, but it’s never been anything serious. What method of birth control do you use, if applicable? Do you take birth control to control hormones, or to prevent pregnancy? As mentioned, I don’t take it. How often does your hair need to be washed? I don’t know about need, but I wash it everyday or every other day so that it doesn’t get oily, which feels irritating. What do you keep on hand for emergencies? I don’t really keep stuff for emergency, just money hahaha. Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction? Nopes. If so, what were your symptoms? Have you ever used an epi pen? I have not. Have you ever been to the ER for a severe allergic reaction? Negative. What's the worst burn you've ever had? When I was 7, I wanted to do something daring so I touched a clothes iron that was plugged in and was in use (by my grandma, but she left to attend to something at the time). My index finger rightfully had a tiny blister for the next two weeks. My dumbass definitely deserved it. What's the worst allergic reaction you've ever had? No allergies. Have you had any health-related embarrassing moments? I don’t think anything bad enough has happened yet. If so, what happened? (if you want to share) Do you use tampons or pads? Pads. I’m scared of tampons. Do you sweat a lot? I don’t, actually. I drink a lot of water, but I guess I just don’t sweat much. Do you get nosebleeds? I’ve never experienced a nosebleed and am also too scared to get one. Do you get motion sickness? Pretty easily, especially if I’m riding an unfamiliar car. Do you have acne? I get a pimple every now and then but it’s not a big issue. Do you have scars? Sure. There’s one on my fourth right toe and the other one on my left eyebrow. What are some of your scars from? Toe scar is from when my toes got stuck in my bike’s blades (something like that, anyway); eyebrow scar is from a stupid cousin smashing a small glass bottle towards my face. Do you have a birthmark? If so, what color is it? I have a brown one behind my left shoulder. I also have one near my elbow; it used to be blue/green but now it’s a faint black-ish shade. What makes your eyes itch? Uh, dirt? I also know if I’ve been spending too much time in front of the computer when my eyes start feeling irritated. That’s usually my signal to go to bed or to have a break. Are you ticklish? Very. I can’t be tickled on any part of my body. Do you have a sweet tooth? I have my moods, but overly sweet food isn’t really a favorite of mine. Do you ever crave chocolate? Never, actually. I can crave sweet stuff like brownies and cookies, but never chocolate bars. Do you ever crave cheese? No. Lactose intolerance makes me wary of cheese so I never really ~crave it. What else, if anything, do you get cravings for? I usually crave for cuisines in general or specific restaurants.  Do you drink enough water? Yeah I’m pretty sure I do. Do you comfort eat when stressed? It varies. Sometimes I’ll rely on eating, but other times I’ll lose my appetite and wouldn’t want to be anywhere near food. How old were you when you started your period? I was 9 but was about to turn 10. How old were you when you started going through puberty? I am guessing the same age when I had my period, but everything sped up only when I was 10/11. What was the first sign of puberty for you? ...My period? Did your hair change when you went through puberty? Hair started to grow in places, but as for changes, not really. At what time of day do you normally feel your best? I don’t really keep track lol. Are you naturally optimistic or pessimistic? Um both, depending on my mood for the day. It never stays constant. Are you naturally energetic? I’m naturally un-energetic. Looking at extroverts exhausts me. Does your mind wander a lot? Only when I’m bored at something, like in a certain class. I can generally focus well. Do you know your blood type? I don’t actually hah. Have you ever been taken to the hospital against your will? Nope. Any final thoughts? Cool survey. It’s different.

Lit by the Sun

She came to the castle when she was young, only eleven or twelve, and looking for work. With Paris drenched in sweat and death and plague, there had been no home there for her anymore; and the castle in the gardens, with the sun shining on it like it would never end, seemed to promise that there she could be safe. She was clever enough not to knock at the front door, and rounded to the back, holding her few possessions close to her. She knocked, and the door opened, and warm hands took her in.

Mrs. Potts made sure she had tea and toast before she could start, and by the time she ended the kind woman's face was grave and sad.

“Many's there that died before they could get out," she said. "You were wise to come to us. Another slice? No? Well.”

Plumette's eyes ranged around the room, taking in the friendly objects and the warmth and sunlight. It was so different here, compared to Paris; it was so alive.

“I'll have to speak to Mr. Cogsworth,” continued Mrs. Potts, “but I shan't be surprised if he lets you stay. In an upstairs position, too, I should think; that silly maid he has now has worn out all patience from here to kingdom come. She can go back to the village, and you can stay with us.”

Plumette did stay. That night she spread out in a feather bed—oh, it had been such a long time since she had had a bed like this!—and she felt a smile twitch at her face again, a new feeling after so long being quiet and still.

The first few years were good ones, full of sunshine; as long as Plumette dusted away from the Prince's father, she had no reason to worry. Every one liked her, and she had nothing to complain of—but those first few years seemed dull compared to the life that came later, when she had just turned fourteen.

“I am through with these village knick-knacks!” Cogsworth rumbled. “Idiot, bumbling, slow-minded, block-headed fumblers, all of them! They can go into the fields like scarecrows. We need a proper footman around here, one that won't trip over his own feet at a party.”

Plumette hid her giggles. Cogsworth had been the one to trip last night, but he had blamed it on the nearest boy.

“I am going to write out and see if I can get someone with more refinement,” continued the majordomo. “Proper manners! Preferably an army man. Someone quiet, genteel, unnoticeable. Someone rather more like me. Shouldn't take more than an hour or two.”

Plumette glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece. Cogsworth's concept of time must be different from hers, if that's how long it would take to find another him.

Weeks later, and still no responses to Cogsworth's letters. Standing in the kitchen, Plumette polished the silver and hid her smiles at Cogsworth's latest tirade.

“It shouldn't be this difficult! The state of decay in this country is intolerable,” he cried.  “The next one that shows up, I'm taking. They can't be any worse than this lot. I threw that last boy out by his ear.”

“It is painful to be thrown out by the ears,” said a new voice from the doorway. “I hope you think of something more original for me, monsieur.”

The whole kitchen turned around at the voice, and Plumette found herself peeking. A Parisian? After so long?

Only fifteen, the boy standing in the doorway looked smarter than paint: yellow vest, cream breeches, the latest styles that she'd only seen in fashion plates. Though his wig was slightly askew—it looked like he had run all the way here, just for the fun of it—he was smart, and trim, and laughing. Plumette loved it, not him, just it—the way the whole world around him was lit by the sun. And she could tell he loved the it, too.

“I don't want any mockery of protocol,” Cogsworth was saying, “and I shan't have any liberties taken with etiquette—”

“What! No, of course. Why would we mess with etiquette? Ah, pardon me—” The boy was rescuing the table setting, rearranging glasses and forks, somehow flipping them and turning them as if they could dance. “—I just notice that your desert spoon is not quite right. It goes here, above the plate. And the white wineglass goes before the red.”

“...really,” said Cogsworth, and for once Plumette thought she heard a tick of admiration in the man's voice.

“Yes. But as you were saying! I would not dream of interrupting the way you do things here,” said the boy. He had gotten to the stove, Plumette noticed, and somehow taken over for Cuisinier in stirring the sauce. “What you do is tres magnifique! I only wish to serve.”

“Well...I suppose,” grumbled Cogsworth. “I'll give you a week to prove you deserve to be a footman of ours.”

“I'll be your best,” said the boy, and winked at Plumette.

“What do you mean, you weren't raised by royalty?” Plumette was laughing. “Your manners are the finest. Your fashions are the most current! You cannot convince me you were not raised by the Sun King himself.” Plumette didn't care a fig where he was raised. He just needed to keep talking.

“No, no! You misunderstand me, mon petite chou. Of course I was the King of my lane," and Lumiere was laughing, too, just to see Plumette keep laughing. “But I am the son of quite ordinary folk, I assure you. I learned to dance as a way to rebel,” and he swept her into a waltz, and her dusting was quite forgotten, and it was lucky then that the prince's father hadn't come in. The prince's father would not care for how hard they were laughing, as they flew past all the beautiful objects he cared for so much; he would prefer it if they focused on the things they tended to, and not the people they were.

“Wigs! And dancing! As rebellion? Such sweet anarchy!” and Plumette collapsed, laughing, and Lumiere had to help her up. She was only sixteen, and he was her best friend.

“You are light as a feather when you dance,” he observed. “But you fly off the handle at the smallest thing! Is there anything so strange about a workingman's son having some panache?”

“It is the strangest thing in the world,” said Plumette, “and a transformation I refuse to abide.” And she was still laughing when he kissed her hand.

He came to find her when she was crying. “Ma cherie? Ma cherie. You cannot stay in there forever."

"I can. I will. Go away, Lumiere."

"This is a lonely tower." He was standing outside the door, but he wasn't coming in. In her feather bed, Plumette stirred and cooed, with tears running down her face. “Don't remain out of my reach. Speak to me.”

“He shouted.” Plumette buried herself further in her blankets. “He calls me in, then mocks the way I do my face, then asks me to try some rouge on his. And then he shouts that I've got it wrong! It's push and pull; he's a young monster.”

“Ah, the Prince is not so bad,” murmured the voice outside the door. “He is having growing pains.”

“He's been having them for years,” retorted Plumette. “He's a beast.”

“Yes, yes, a beast.” Lumiere had found his way in. “The worst beast imaginable. With claws! And sharp teeth!”

Plumette started laughing through her tears. Lumiere nodded at the bed; she nodded back, and made room for him to sit beside her nest of feathers.

“He is only a little younger than us,” said Lumiere. “What, only 18? Soon he will be a man. We all go through stages of the Beast.”

”You didn't,” said Plumette.

“Ma cherie! I was the worst beast. Untameable! A threat to man!”

“Oh, only occasionally.” Plumette's tears had dried; she felt warm. “Thank you for coming to find me. You are my best friend.”

“Ah, Plumette.” He was quiet, now. “I would do anything to remain beside you.”

His rare gravity made Plumette look up at him, a feather in her hair. “Lumiere? Why did we not...well, if you were a beast—why didn't you...?” She was getting flustered. He raised an eyebrow.

“I thought we chose not to. We did try. And I'm too brazen, and you—ah, you call yourself fragile, though I think you are far stronger than you know. It just seemed to go against what we are.”

“But if we...if we decided that, that it was right...”

“Ma cherie?” His pet name for her was hushed; it had never sounded so sacred. “I will never push you. Are you, are you sure?”

She pulled him into a kiss. Ma coeur, he whispered, my heart; and Plumette's world lit up like the sun, and her world was aflame.

“After the ball?” she whispered. The dark outside the glow of the ballroom made a perfect place for confidences. “They never eat as much as they think they're going to. Take a half-done croquembouche and see what we can make of it?”

“Ah! You know how I love the taste of croquembouche.” Lumiere was shining, and she laughed to see him all aglow in his finery. It had been years since she'd come to this castle for the first time, years since they'd met, years since they'd first loved; and her life was rich and golden and full of life, just as she'd come to expect it to be. Every day would be like this, every day forever.

“I'll meet you after the ball,” he whispered, taking her hands in his and carelessly stroking each slim finger. “Run up to your room, as fast as my feet can take me. And then we'll make merry with good food and good dancing, and I will kiss that face until it gleams. Unless you would prefer I start now...?”

“No! Go attend to the monster,” and she laughed. “You'll have to wait until after the ball to see this face. Save your kisses until you see me again. Lumiere, it shall be like minutes.”

“Ma coeur, it shall be years.”

She touched his warm hands and danced away. Only later would she look back at this conversation, and think, yes, years. It shall be years.

Weekend Reading, 11.11.18

For dietitians, the DI year is supposed to be a pre-professional experience, supervised work that prepares us for the realities of practice. One of these realities, I’m starting to realize, is the exercise of judgment.

When I started the DI, I assumed that I’d be trained in guidelines and standards that would neatly inform all of my interventions and decisions. I’ve gotten plenty of exposure to evidence-based guidelines and best practices, but what I didn’t understand before the DI—and what I’m coming to understand now—is that the rules only go so far.

In a clinical or practice setting, a lot of the cases we see end up falling into gray areas. A patient presents with multiple complaints or diagnoses, all of which are significant, but some of which are more high priority than others. It’s the dietitian’s job to decide which nutrition problems are the most urgent and in need of addressing; in some cases, interventions for various problems might actually conflict.

Weighing treatments against each other, learning to prioritize nutrition problems, understanding the difference between medical nutrition therapy as it was taught to me in a classroom vs. real-world application: this isn’t something that I learned in school. It’s something I’m learning now, from my preceptors and my patients. The most daunting part of it all is the fact that preceptors can only guide me so far.

The other day, my preceptor pointed out to me that the calorie need estimate that I’d made for a patient was in keeping with clinical recommendations, but the actual energy intake looked, on paper, a little too low. I agreed, but I hadn’t been able to reconcile the discrepancy because I was so hung up on following calorie per kilogram guidelines for the disease state in question. “Use your clinical judgment,” my preceptor told me. “If the estimate looks low to you, then it probably is.”

It’s hard for me to do this when I show up to work each day. It feels less risky to memorize a set of rules and apply them diligently than to take a step back and ask myself whether what I’m seeing or recommending looks right, feels right, sounds right. Part of what I’m getting hung up on, I realize, is the idea that judgment and guesswork and intuition have no place in a clinical setting. I want to believe that everything in a hospital can work according to evidence and procedure.

I’m off—way off, really—in this kind of thinking. Everything I’ve ever learned working in healthcare environments has suggested to me that the most able practitioners are the ones who have developed clinical instincts. The physician I worked for in DC was exceptional precisely because she’d take risks and leaps of faith with her intuition as a diagnostician: even when a diagnosis wasn’t obvious, she’d have have a sneaking suspicion that it was right, and she’d investigate accordingly. Her instincts were usually confirmed, and even when they weren’t, she gained valuable information in pursuing them.

Intuition and judgment intimidate me right now because I can’t memorize them or develop them by sitting at home with a stack of flash cards. I have to build toward them through practice and exposure, which will involve some errors, and that’s what last week’s post was all about.

In the last few days, though, I’ve had some heartening reminders that I have better judgment than I give myself credit for. A few of them have happened on the job: I allowed myself to trust an instinct and then had it affirmed by evidence or validation from my preceptor.

But what’s helped me the most is actually thinking back to the nutrition counseling work I’ve done in the past, with far less clinical training than I have now, and realizing it has already given me much of the intuition that I need. If nothing else, it’s taught me to listen carefully to people, to pay attention, and paying attention is where clinical judgment springs from.

I’ve also been thinking about judgment, discernment, and decision making as they pertain to my broader responsibilities and identity as a practitioner. In the past few days I’ve been struck by how often I feel as though I don’t fit nearly into many of the communities or schools of thought that I work alongside in the nutrition space. I celebrate vegan nutrition, but I don’t always communicate or message the lifestyle the way other plant-based practitioners do. I’m evidence-based, but I’m also interested in the spiritual dimensions of well-being, the ways in which human beings give meaning to their own healing narratives. I’m inspired by the ideals of intuitive eating, but I stop short of thinking that it’s the only approach for all people; I always let my clients guide me in determining a philosophical framework for eating. I move through lots of different nutrition/food spaces, but rarely with a sense of full belonging.

Case in point: on Thursday night, in our DI class, we had our eating disorder lecture. I felt the same thing I felt when I spoke at the Balance panel last spring, which was that I’m deeply admiring of the work being done in the ED treatment space, and I’m also not at home there. The way I’ve come to understand, define, and experience recovery is at odds with a lot of the prevailing thinking about what “full recovery” means. The importance I’ve allowed food to have in my life would defy many practitioners’ conception of what a healthy relationship with food looks like. And my veganism is certainly at odds with the common assumption in treatment circles that food selectivity is always “smoke and mirrors.”

I’m at peace with this. When I left that lecture, I actually felt more solid in recovery than I have in a while, given how challenging my body dysmorphia has been (still is, honestly) this fall. And I felt reminded of what I’ve always believed, which is that all of us who have had tangled relationships with food will ultimately come to understand recovery in our own way. I understand not acting on destructive impulses and engaging in healthful, self-caring behaviors and thoughts as a firm, ED recovery bottom line. I’d stop short of telling any person what the meaning of recovery is, or what it looks like. I know what mine looks like, and that’s all I know.

These musings look scattered when I glance over them, but for me, it all feels connected. This has been a week of learning to trust in my instincts, of having the courage to acknowledge that I have my own perspective on things. Nothing makes me feel safer or better or more accomplished than doing a stellar job of being what other people (or institutions, or programs) want me to be: meeting and exceeding expectations, hitting goals, scoring well. Even now, at thirty-six years of age, I’m a hopeless teacher’s pet. But the whole point of this education is to head out into the world and do my own work, even and especially when it means sticking to my guns.

I wish you a week of feeling tuned into your own intuition. Thanks for reading, as always, and here are the recipes and reads that caught my eye this week.

Recipes

This and next week’s recipe picks will be all about things I’d love to have on my theoretical Thanksgiving table! First up: Kristen’s autumn roasted pumpkin curry.

A great looking (and easy!) quinoa stuffing from my friend Sophia.

Loving Sarah’s perfectly seasonal, garlicky roasted green beans.

Dessert #1: Kristina’s awesome, cozy cinnamon baked apples.

Dessert #2: Will someone please give me a big slice of Emilie’s scrumptious vegan pumpkin cheesecake with chocolate crust?!

Reads

1. If you’re as excited as I am about holiday baking, this quick flour primer from the folks at The Kitchn may come in handy.

2. I love the idea of toy libraries, which have the potential to build upon “the social foundation that people already understand from traditional book-lending libraries . . . a kind of infrastructure for sharing and disseminating knowledge.” Not to mention an important place for kids to play, to explore, to savor unstructured time.

3. So much I agree with in Shayla Love’s frank, gutsy take on food intolerance testing. There is a growing body of tests being marketed as valid, reliable means of diagnosing food intolerances. The problem is that food intolerances are more incompletely understood than food allergies, for which there is a long-established, known mechanism. And the presence of IgG antibodies, contrary to what intolerance test marketers claim, isn’t necessarily indicative of an intolerance. It can simply mean that you’re eating a certain food pretty often, which has the particularly insidious result of forcing unsuspecting consumers to eliminate foods they love and rely upon.

More importantly, at least from a mental health perspective, these tests tend to capitalize upon the idea that, if you have GI distress, you’re being quietly sickened or poisoned by food. Love writes,

The problem with these tests isn’t that the truth is being hidden from consumers, it’s that: if you are struggling with any kind of disordered eating or thinking patterns, you will latch onto them despite what the evidence says . . . Because of my OCD, I also love rules, and once I implement a rule, it’s extremely difficult for me to break it, as it becomes a ritual. As last year went on, and I got my anxiety under control again, I still couldn’t manage to eat those foods.

Love also interviews gastroenterologist Emeran Mayer, who notes that the anxiety associated with identify certain foods as potential triggers or intolerances can actually create—via the nocebo effect, which I spent a lot of time studying as a master’s student—the very cascade of symptoms that folks are hoping to get relief from:

He thinks everyone is vulnerable to the underlying mental booby traps these tests put out there: The idea that there are foods, healthy foods, that are secretly making you sick. The anxiety such a thing creates is not benign, he says . . .

. . .  [w]hen people have extreme anxiety, the brain generates stress signals that travel to the gastrointestinal tract through the autonomic nervous system and the vagus nerve. This stress can change a lot of aspects of the gut and digestion. It can alter transit time of food through the digestive system, it can change blood flow or immune responses, it can change secretion of mucus, and all of those changes can then affect the bacteria that live in your gut, or your microbiome.

‘If you’re walking around being stressed around your food and being constantly worried, that is becoming kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy from the nocebo effect,’ he says . . . ‘But also it changes your gut-environment context in a way that can compromise the proper digestion of food. There’s a really close link between anxieties, food-related stress, and gut dysfunction.’

Of course certain food can serve as very real triggers for digestive distress: this can be true of high FODMAP foods for those who are sensitive to them, and more broadly, some of us just have a hard time digesting certain things (onions, crucifers, raw veggies, spicy food—you name it).

But it has been my overwhelming experience that the dialog about intolerances in the wellness space is often scientifically misleading, and that the anxiety it creates can actually compound and worsen GI distress. I think it’s so important for practitioners who work with digestive health to remain vigilant of food-related anxiety and disordered eating, addressing intolerances only in a way that’s evidence-based and sensitive to the health and well-being of patients.

4. I’m grateful to Carrian for introducing me to the phrase, “if you’re on the right path it will always be uphill.” Not sure I agree with the “always” bit, but I need a lot of reminders that struggle and pain are a natural, important part of life experience. Or, to quote from one of my wise readers, “it’s not easy and it isn’t supposed to be.”

5. Finally, and while we’re on my favorite topic of the placebo/nocebo effect, the New York Times shares new insights into how the placebo effect really works.

Happy Sunday, everyone. I’m back this week with a new, tasty, low-maintenance Thanksgiving recipe!

xo

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