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ifuckinglovestvincent · 7 years

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St. Vincent Is Telling You Everything

“I told you more than I would tell my own mother.”

September 10, 2017, 10:34 a.m. By Laura Snapes | BuzzFeed Contributor Reporting From New York, New York Annie Clark was reconfiguring some older material for her upcoming tour when she realized how alien it felt to play it. She could adapt the arrangements to her harsher new sound — the sleazy, acid aesthetic of Masseduction, her upcoming fifth solo record as St. Vincent — but the writing’s proggy complexity was cockblocking the emotion. “In so many ways, I thought I was being completely transparent and brave in every record, only to realize that they are very oblique,” Clark told BuzzFeed News. She cackled and looked delighted. “Who knew! I had no idea.” Clark is much too self-aware for this to be completely true. But the difference between her polite, guarded Texan past and confrontational present is colossal. When I first interviewed Clark in 2009, she nervously pressed her pendant against her lips and face, leaving a red lipstick pox on her insane cheekbones. By 2014’s St. Vincent, Clark’s public persona would be imperious. But these days, she’s a playful freak who revels in showing the tightness of her grip, a disposition aided by long, straight eyebrows that dance like Memphis squiggles. In late July, she appeared in the lobby of New York City’s Marlton Hotel, her temporary home during the making of Masseduction. She had come from pilates — which she likes because it makes her sing better and “come a lot harder” — and disappeared to change out of her leopard-print gym shorts. When I mentioned a recent paparazzi photo of her looking like a sexy detective in another skintight leopard-patterned getup, she asked twice, with predatory delight, whether I’d looked at her camel toe. (No! Okay, maybe!) The only time her control slipped was when the hotel’s stereo started playing “Who,” a knotty song from the album she made with David Byrne, and she shriveled like a salted snail at hearing her own voice. Self-possession like hers is often interpreted as pretentious, or pathological. But over time, the confidence that the younger, anxious Clark had to fake has become bracingly real. You can hear it in Masseduction, a record of pop fluidity and queer possibility. It’s the best thing she’s ever done, and there are no bad St. Vincent records. It’s partly harsh, heady, erotic synth-pop visions steered by her diamond-sharp guitar, and while Clark has written plenty of ballads, there have never been any as brutal and gorgeous as these. Its lurch between apocalypse and ecstasy mirrors how it felt to be kicked in the head by the past couple years. In a way, Clark was right about the obscurity of her past work, filled with archetypes and distanced observations — emotions through a stained-glass window. If not a clear pane, then Masseduction is at least a peep show on heartache, fucking, addiction, destitution, and suicide. And her relatively new life as a very public figure, thanks to relationships with Cara Delevingne and Kristen Stewart, gives it an extra frisson. Tabloids will rush to find the former, the famed British supermodel, on an album littered with wasted bodies, especially on “Young Lover,” where Clark finds someone overdosed in the bathtub. She recounts the night with terror but also arrestingly ugly indignation. “Oh, so what / Your mother did a number / So I get gloves of rubber / To clean up the spill,” she sneers. “Scenario has to rhyme, babe,” is all Clark said about its veracity. She was bemused at being asked to explain the lyrics. To her, this record is butt-naked. “I told you everything,” she stressed. “I told you more than I would tell my own mother. It’s right there.”

Annie Clark Nedda Afsari Masseduction started out with three tenets: It would feature programmed beats and pedal steel guitar, and examine power and seduction. “What does power look like, who wields it, how do they wield it — emotionally, sexually, financially?” Clark ticked off her fingers. The album was properly born over a creative first-date dinner with Jack Antonoff, the Bleachers frontman who also recently produced and wrote with Lorde and Taylor Swift. Clark was looking for a teammate; they told each other everything that was going wrong in their lives and decided that total oblivion was the only way out of their heads. “It wasn’t, ‘Hey, let’s make a record together, that’ll be fun,’” Antonoff told me. “It was, ‘Let’s absolutely go all the way and find the absolute best thing that exists here,’ which is really the only way to work on things.” That grit is Clark’s MO. Until recently, she claimed to have taken approximately 36 hours off in between returning from touring 2011’s Strange Mercy and starting work on 2014’s St. Vincent. The concerts for the latter were bonkers, starting the run as avant-garde, meticulously choreographed deconstructions of a traditional rock show, and ending it with exorcisms that entailed Clark crumpling down a 10-foot pink plywood pyramid like a drunken horse. She often stole objects from the crowd: a pair of crutches, someone’s dinner. The spectacle of her murdering the thing she’d trained for was addictive.

St. Vincent during the 2015 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival. Frazer Harrison / Getty Images “Touring became a blood sport for me. I mean, I was born with a whip anyway, and touring became this self-flagellating exercise,” she said, clenching her jaw and lashing each shoulder with an imaginary strap. “And I was seeking that kind of physical exhaustion; I was seeking the pain.” She doesn’t know why, and she’s okay not knowing why, though eventually she did accept that her relationship to touring was a form of delirium. On the new album’s “Sugarboy,” a dystopian, post-Moroder disco banger, she describes herself as a “casualty hanging on from the balcony.” (She literally climbed rafters in some theaters, kicking away security guards.) This hysteria is one of the reasons she considers Masseduction her saddest record. “I lost my mind, I lost people, I gained people, I stopped touring,” Clark said of that period between 2014 and 2017. “It was just a lot of a lot, you know.” After the St. Vincent tour dates ended, Clark had to learn to construct and value life away from the road — she had been on tour since age 16, when she worked as an assistant for her aunt and uncle’s jazz group. “And I still love that,” she said of touring, “but it’s more like a component of my life now rather than…my life.” Back home she indulged in a “period of bacchanalia,” and briefly got into self-medicating, an experience she turned into the lunatic track “Pills”: Imagine the Stepford Wives lost in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory (Kamasi Washington guests on saxophone; Delevingne sings on the chorus). She’s transfixed by the forces that can swallow us — “You know, drugs, sex, and rock ‘n’ roll,” she winked. “So corny. Kill me! Kill me dead!” Though sometimes she uses those themes to dress up more mundane relationship dynamics. “Savior” explores the unhealthiness of mutual projection through a funny S&M parable involving nurses and nuns and our tediously prosaic concepts of kink: “You put me in a teacher’s little denim skirt,” Clark moans on the song. “Ruler and desk so I can make it hurt / But I keep you on your best behavior / Honey, I can’t be your savior.” The album’s self-destructive dynamic comes out on the title track — “I can’t turn off what turns me on,” she wails over twisted guitar — and her protagonists never stop annihilating each other for their own benefit, whether for carnal kicks, or for the mothers who “milk their young” in the song “Los Ageless.”

The album cover for Masseduction. Loma Vista Recordings And then there’s the heartbreaking “Happy Birthday Johnny,” which sounds like a snowflake but crushes like an anvil. It calls back to the title track of her 2007 debut Marry Me, about “John” who’s “a rock with a heart like a socket I can plug into at will”; and to “Prince Johnny,” the decadent downtown royal from St. Vincent. She said she feels compassion and hopelessness for his self-destruction, but can’t judge because she’s just like him. Maybe he’s also a cipher for the way humans use each other — Clark flatly refused to talk about him. “One thing I have learned in six records and 10 years is that I’m not obliged to answer any questions — a lesson I more or less only recently learned.” She stared into the bar, fixing a grim expression through her orange aviators. “Next question.” At any rate, the song is a whole story. Once conspirators, her and Johnny’s literal fire-starting days are behind them, and now he lives on the street, calling up Clark at New Year’s for “dough to get something to eat.” She demurs, and he calls her a queenly miser who’s sold out for fame. “But if they only knew the real version of me / Only you know the secrets, the swamp, and the fear,” she pleads. It is deeply tragic, being shamed — perhaps rightly — by the person who once understood your shame. Antonoff theorized that she’s mourning a past on the record. On the forthcoming Fear the Future Tour (named after a new song, and to resemble a Jenny Holzer maxim), Clark said she probably won’t be flinging herself around stages as much because “I think I’m emotionally throwing myself around a lot more.”

A still from St. Vincent’s “New York” music video. Alex Da Carte In late July, Tiffany & Co. announced Clark as one of the faces of its fall advertising campaign. Diamonds and waspy Americana are a weirdly prim contrast to the freaky propaganda aesthetic that Clark is calling “manic panic” — the Masseduction album cover is a photo of a nice ass in a leopard-print thong bodysuit. But like any savvy propagandist, Clark’s image will be everywhere this year. Having directed a short film, The Birthday Party, as part of the horror anthology XX, she’s now due to direct a feature-length, female-led adaptation of The Picture of Dorian Gray. (“The most rich text I have ever read: transgression, modernity, society, repressed queerness.”) There’s also a multimedia performance as part of October’s Red Bull Music Academy in Los Angeles, and an upcoming art exhibition in New York. A coffee table book. Essays. (She calls art “a fountain of youth” that’s given her everything and everyone in her life, hence her urge to make everything.) And that’s just the exposure she has control over. Celebrities like to pretend that their success is the result of some cosmic fluke, but Clark has said quite openly that the best part of becoming more famous thanks to her love life is “just getting the opportunity to do more work in different fields,” which nobody ever admits! (Though her 2015 Grammy for Best Alternative Album and overwhelming critical acclaim probably helped, too.)

St. Vincent, Zoe Kravitz, and Zosia Mamet at the Tiffany & Co.-presented Whitney Biennial VIP Opening in March 2017 in New York. Mike Coppola / Getty Images One of Clark’s best-known songs, 2014’s “Digital Witness,” is about social media voyeurism. “I wonder if, in the future, privacy will be something that only the 1 percent can afford,” she told Rolling Stone that year, which now seems beautifully naive. From the second she and Delevingne were spotted together at the 2015 BRIT Awards, the UK’s pervy yet ever-scandalized tabloid media went nuts that their hottest young model was dating a woman, and pursued them so staunchly that the couple once took revenge by firing water pistols at the paparazzi. “She really is so famous!” Clark said of Delevingne, feigning hammy disbelief at the attention they received. “That shouldn’t have been shocking to me, but it was shocking to me in the sense that she’s such a sweet, really, deeply kind, unspoiled person. She has more compassion in her little finger than—” She waved her hand around her torso with a grim laugh. (The pair reportedly split last fall, but Clark would only say they were “never not close.”) Clark’s self-assurance helped her to perceive the tabloid aggression and celebrity weirdness as baffling rather than distorting. She was too classy to run with my suggestion that attending that Taylor Swift 4th of July party must’ve been an interesting anthropological study. “That was, I think, in the midst of a game of Celebrity,” she said of a photo of her wearing the same stars ’n’ stripes onesie as Gigi Hadid, Karlie Kloss, and Ruby Rose. She took a long pause. “I was very bad at it!”

From left: Cara Delevingne and Annie Clark Schiller Graphics But she was disturbed by dangerous high-speed car chases from paparazzi in pursuit of photos of the couple; she thinks the gossip industrial complex relates to a wider societal disparity. “The biggest problem was that the value system of it is all based on aspiration,” she said with genuine concern. “It’s wealth aspiration, fame aspiration. But if the government, if the world was just generally a more compassionate, empathetic place, people wouldn’t be aspiring to…that. They would be more fulfilled with their own lives if the wealth gap in general wasn’t so insane.” Admittedly, it was hard not to want to look at them, in matching sharp suits and laser-cut Burberry, queering the archetype of the male rock star dating the young supermodel, watching the context around an established artist mutate in front of you. There is the kind of halfway-benign personal invasion where paparazzi follow you and your girlfriend around an airport. But then there is the kind where the never-not-creepy Daily Mail doorsteps your older sister at home in Texas and calls up your well-meaning uncle to sandbag him into revealing that your father went to prison in 2010 for participating in multimillion-dollar stock fraud. Although it is grotesque to treat the paper’s muckraking as a puzzle piece, it did illuminate part of the story behind Strange Mercy, which Clark had — understandably — only ever vaguely attributed to an overwhelming period of loss. “Suitcase of cash in the back of my stick shift,” she sang on “Year of the Tiger.” “I had to be the best of the bourgeoisie / Now my kingdom for a cup of coffee.” (She cowrote the song with her mother, Sharon, who split from Clark’s father when she was three.) “Everybody has their personal tragedies and their crosses to bear,” Clark said in a clipped tone. She calls her father’s 12-year prison sentence “a horrible tragedy. On so many different levels. So absolutely heartbreaking.” She — an adult — could handle it. But her younger half- and stepsiblings on her father’s side are still teenagers. “And I specifically would never talk about that or have ever mentioned that in a myriad of questions about Strange Mercy because it seems like an incredible betrayal of my family. But most specifically, my youngest siblings who are innocent children. They were kiddos.” She described the Daily Mail story as “faux concern,” and reiterated that the paper couldn’t find any dirt on her, no matter how outrageously they tried. “I’m not ashamed of my family,” she said. Then I asked her whether her father going to prison had spun her own moral compass, or made her reconsider any values of right and wrong that he may have instilled in her. She was momentarily confused, and then let rip a massive, absurd, demonstrative laugh. She kept going. “I love my father,” she said eventually, still tickled. “I love my father very much, as any child loves their parent. He’s very intelligent and erudite and a good writer and incredibly well read, and those are all things that I value and I’m glad that he instilled in me.” She paused, and kept on laughing. In the run-up to announcing Masseduction, Clark was Instagramming absurdist junket-styled videos, in which she wears a hot pink skirt and a transparent rubber top the color of ash, and takes questions from an off-screen interviewer. Her answers were scripted by the musician and comedian Carrie Brownstein, who is also her ex-girlfriend. One video poses the question of whether Annie Clark and St. Vincent are the same person. She pauses to consider. “Honestly, you’d have to ask her.” What’s it like being a woman in music? “Good question,” she muses, as the camera zooms to her black and yellow fingernails, which spell out “FUCK OFFF.” These films might factor into her upcoming tour, but the answers were also written for journalists. Earlier in July, in London, Clark found alternative ways to conduct interviews for hours at a time. She invited some female journalists to get massages with her (too weird with men, even though she was face-down on the table the whole time, avoiding eye contact). Other writers were invited into a 10-by-10-foot pink wooden box that was constructed in a North London studio especially for the occasion. Her interrogators had to duck through a low door to enter the blacklit space. “Not full-on crawl, because that’s a little heavy-handed,” she clarified. Inside, she looped a pedal steel recording and lit a Diptyque candle that struggled to mask the paint fumes.

St. Vincent / Via Instagram If anyone asked her an obvious question — like where the name St. Vincent came from — she planned to play prerecorded answers and “check my email, or stretch, or zone out for a second,” she said, sounding almost disappointed that she didn’t get a chance to enact her schemes. She insisted she wasn’t being antagonistic. But sitting opposite Annie Clark for two hours is often intimidating enough without the added fear that she’s about to make fun of you to your face: It is a gigantic power play! “Oh, deeply so,” she said, affecting a wryly elegant tone. “But then also not at all because I was the insane person stuck in a box for eight hours!” If critics and fans are bored of this sort of thing — see Arcade Fire’s recent album campaign — they are clearly not as tired as the artists who have to smile politely at writers who don’t know how to use Google. Plus, Arcade Fire’s hijinks felt cynical; Clark’s feels like a rejection of the idea that women artists are meant to be relatable, having endured a career’s worth of inane juxtapositions between her pretty face and gnarly shredding like it means anything. The point, she said, was that putting ourselves in a totally different, slightly strange context can produce interesting results. (She and I were meant to do Pilates together — before an oversold class spared me the indignity.) Why not make everything thoughtful and curated? If the stakes are already high, why not aim even higher and put yourself in extreme circumstances to see what happens? If Clark has done two things for the cerebral indie-rock world that she’s long outstripped, it’s teach about sex (thank god), and expose its low-risk complacency for a con.

Nedda Afsari Of course, in some people’s eyes, this makes her a phony, a manipulator. Earlier this year, legendary cultural critic Greil Marcus wrote an admirably dim-witted column for Pitchfork where he compared Clark to the slippery Father John Misty, aka Josh Tillman, claiming that they “perform as artists of such pretentiousness you couldn’t possibly figure out how to talk to them. … There’s no way to address a saint: To be a saint you have to be dead … Such characters allow themselves to appear as if touched by God, which is what they’re selling, and laugh at you if you’re so square not to know who they really are: to join their club.” If Marcus had read any of the million interviews that Clark is parodying in her high-concept clips, he would know the name is rooted in humiliation and squalor — the hospital where Dylan Thomas died — rather than divine aspiration. “And I have never, nor would I ever, put the kind of trapdoors and booby traps in my music to make the listener feel dumb,” Clark told me in response to Marcus’s theories. “I have enough hubris not to kill myself, but I actually have such a deep respect for the listener that I have never tried to pander. Songs and arrangements were complex and convoluted at times, but they were sincere attempts at connecting.” She hoped there will be no mistaking her intent with her new record, which “is so first-person and sad.” But if anyone does, she knows it’s not her job to correct them.

A still from the “New York” music video. Alex Da Carte A still from the “New York” music video. If you want to use Masseduction as a treasure map, then this is what it tells us about Annie Clark’s personal life. She experienced a complicated kind of heartbreak. Sometimes that makes her crazy and neurotic: “I won’t cry wolf in the kitchen,” she swears on woozy opener “Hang on Me,” but threatens to jump off her roof “just to punish you” on the vengeful, cracked opera of “Smoking Section,” the last song. Sometimes a mental safety net stretches out when she might otherwise get hurt. “Slip my hand from your hand / Leave you dancing with a ghost,” she sings on “Slow Disco,” the most tender song she’s ever written. “Don’t it beat a slow dance to death?” a forlorn and disembodied voice repeats as it fades out. Her world is changing, and that’s unsettling. “Too few of our old crew left on Astor,” she sings on “New York,” a song about lost heroes. On “Fear the Future,” she belts the title as the song reaches a pyrotechnic cataclysm that sounds like a truckload of fireworks being dumped inside a volcano. But if you respond in kind to Clark’s vulnerability, then these are the more meaningful revelations that we can take from Masseduction into our lives: Relatability is a crock, and sincerity doesn’t take a single form. “I refuse to seem less threatening, if that’s how I’m perceived,” said Clark. “Ultimate freedom is not caring whether you are liked, because you are making something you really love and believe in.” On Masseduction Clark tells us that all the good forms of desire — love, sex, art — are self-destructive. But at their best, they create just that little bit more than they consume, and can eventually alchemize anxiety into total power.

#I’ve gotta try that Pilates #st vincent #annie clark #Laura snapes #interviews

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whentherewerebicycles · 2 years

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my scruffy girl 😭 with some fluffy legs for jamila

sleep update: I slept nine hours last night and feel a little groggy but otherwise pretty good. new sleep med continues to be amazing at helping me fall asleep quickly and naturally—I take it 45-60 min before bedtime and by the time bedtime rolls around I physically can’t keep my eyes open anymore and am dozing off reading. I’m not sure it’s the best at helping me sleep deeply through the night but I’ve figured out some strategies for helping with that… I leave the closet light on so the dogs can get on and off the bed without waking me and then I wear an eye mask so the light doesn’t bother me. not a perfect solution but far fewer nighttime sleep interruptions! I do sometimes get morning-after groggy hangovers so I may try halving the dose for a week to see if that helps. but idk man even if sleep isn’t perfect it’s such an incredible weight off my shoulders to know that I’ll be able to fall asleep without any problems every night. I don’t think I realized how much anxiety and dread I’d built up around lying down and spending hours trying to fall asleep!! so I’ll take it I can absolutely live with the parts that aren’t perfect.

mmkay might as well also do some health-related thinking aloud. I’ve really slipped back into some unhealthy eating habits the last six months or so (although still so much better than before 2019!!) and I’d like to do a bit of a reset there. I think I might start rereading how not to die as a plant-based refresher and then, huge sigh, I do think I need to set aside some time on sundays to do all of my meal prep for the week. I want to eat more vegetables and I want to start bulk-preparing rice and grains so it’s easy to make quick meals during the week. but I think to do that I need to actually sit down and do some research on easy vegetarian meals that can be thrown together quickly on weeknights. and I also need to invest in some good heavy duty Tupperware… I feel like I am constantly buying Tupperware and I have NO idea where it all disappears to??

and then exercise… I’m good about walking about an hour every day but I’ve totally stopped running or skating and I only bike very casually around my neighborhood. weirdly I think it’s easier for me to exercise in the summer because my walk leaves me sooo sweaty and gross that I have to shower again anyway, so it’s mentally easier to just be like well ok I’ll walk and then tack on a run or a skate. but I think I might again sit down and do some actual planning around how I want to scale up activity. I’d like to do it VERY gradually, like building in a 10 min run at the end of a walk or building in a 20 min bike ride once a week in the mornings or something. I might also explore ways to attach it to writing out of the house, which is another habit I’d like to build… like maybe I bike somewhere 15 min away, write on my phone or iPad for a while, and then bike home. and agh I know I need to start building in light strength training sigh I’ve been saying that for years but throwing my back out a couple months back really drove home for me how weak my core and upper body are. idk I just gotta think about it. my parents are super into Pilates these days so maybe that’s an option to explore.

bleurgh okay what does the day hold! it’s really nice out right now but will be kinda hot later, so this would be an ideal time to get up and do something outside. my spring break writing project is going okay… I think the concept is working but I’m definitely out of the new project honeymoon phase and into the frustrating ‘aghh why is writing SO HARD’ phase. mmm okay. I will scroll for 10 min, then get up to shower so I can’t just lie in bed all day. then I will WRITE OUTSIDE and maybe leave my phone somewhere so I’m not distracted by mindless scrolling.

#daily processing

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tar-oh · 3 years

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Pick a Pile: What You Need To Know

Well, this is my second time posting this because the first time was before I even got everything on the post. Apparently accidentally hitting enter means it will post it, which is something that took over a decade on tumblr for me to figure out lol. Sometimes tumblr’s formatting frustrates me to NO END!!! I’m going to keep this brief since it’s my second time trying to post this: This is a smaller PAP with 3 piles looking into what you need to know at the moment. I find these extremely helpful because not only do they bring to light things that might be overlooked otherwise, but they also help me get more into the groove of readings again.

I also need to post a small disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes. Not all of this is going to come true for everyone since it’s a general reading. Please take it with a grain of salt. If you do find that it resonates, I do readings starting at $6. DM if you’re interested. I also accept tips if you feel as though you want to (but they’re obviously not required). You can tip me here: cashapp $sararms paypal: paypal.me/sararms So, for the 3 piles, I have 3 Sandra Bullock movie posters because why not?! Choose away:

Pile 1:

Cards: 7 of wands, the moon, 10 of wands, alter, rooted (reversed), intuition (reversed), conviction, seeing the best, divine timing, vitality, following your heart, self-love "You gonna cry about it or boss up?" "Look at the fuckin' moon!" "There are people who dislike you because you don't dislike yourself." I haven't even gotten to pile 3, but I keep wanting to call you pile 3, so I think maybe if you were torn between the two piles, I'd check that one out too because there might be something over there for you as well. This 7 of wands is interesting. She's sitting like she's meditating or something, and she's in a bubble. I think this is you, kind of doing your own thing, trying hard not to get distracted by external things. And, maybe you are being distracted really easily right now, and maybe the moon comes into this with you worrying that if you're distracted you're going to have more trouble (whatever that means for you), and it'll end up being the stress of having to carry all of those wands? But, this 10 of wands is always interesting to me too, because she's not carrying all of the wands. In fact, a few of them light the path up the hill. 3, to be exact, and if we subtract 3 from 10, it's 7. So we're back where we started, with that 7 of wands. I think there's a message in here telling you to find the balance between trying to do it all yourself and allowing yourself to drown in whatever "it all" is for you, but also, being able to tune "it all" out too? Like, she looks like she’s sitting in a snow globe in the 7 of wands. I know it's supposed to be a circle of protection, a defense system, but I see a snow globe here. And there's a wand, poking at it. So, it's like the outside world is trying desperately to get to you. And, maybe it's not even bad. Maybe it's you closing yourself off because there are all these fears so then you're trying to do things on your own, independently. But, I think the message in that, along with finding a balance, is that there are people who see you struggling and trying to tackle all this by yourself and they want to help. They want to help carry those remaining 7 wands, but you're so stubborn about it. There's a need to let some things go. Maybe, not taking too much on your plate right now. I got the deck Spiritual AF, and I wanted to try and pull only about 2 cards for these piles, but 3 came out for you. They're kind of interesting. One corresponds with the moon, because it literally says "Look at the fuckin' moon!!!", and I think that's saying literally look at the moon. Maybe you feel a connection to the moon or just other things in outer space? But I also think it's telling you to take a moment and sit in silence, kind of like the lady on the 7 of wands. A moment of taking in the good things, and surely the moon is a good thing? It illuminates the night sky. I just accidentally typed night school, lol so maybe some of you are taking night courses? Is that a thing anymore? Or maybe if you're in school you do a lot of your work at night? I personally do, so maybe there is a draw to the moon. Maybe you feel more energy under it? The other cards from the Spiritual AF deck are interesting too. One is, "You gonna cry about it or boss up? (Pro tip: Do both.)" I think this is kind of less advice and more what you're doing right now. I see that in the 10 of wands. I think you're working through your discomfort. That's not the word I was originally looking for, but I think for some of you it is discomfort. But, for all, I see it as you working through the challenges. I think the message in that, is again, you don't have to take it all on on your own. Also, that you don't need to bottle up that discomfort. There are people trying to get into your globe to help you. For a small bit of you, it's not people trying to get into your snow globe to help, instead I feel like it's people who are egging you on and maybe they're the reason behind you working so hard. Like, you're trying to prove to them something. The other card from the Spiritual AF deck was "There are people who dislike you because you don't dislike you." For those that have people who are trying to get to you instead of helping, I think this is just a message to 1) keep up the hard work but also 2) make sure you are balancing it, though. I think there's a fine line between working hard and overworking, and I think you're at that threshold. Some have already crossed it. I definitely get a tired feeling from the moon and the 10 of wands. But, because this particular 10 of wands doesn't look like it's as much as a struggle as other versions I've seen, I can see that it's like close to being that struggle. So, you need to be careful you don't get there. Take care of your mental health, please. With the witches oracle, two cards fell out reversed before I could fully ask the question. I hesitated to take them, but I don't often get reversals with this deck, so I felt that it was for you. And, to be honest, they make sense to me. Especially rooted reversed and alter. Alter talks about literally making an alter to talk to spirit, or, making a sacred space within yourself. I kind of think of it as a safe space, like when you meditate or when you're able to just sit in silence, or even just listening to music. Whatever it is you do to unwind when things get really stressful. And, if you don't have something like that, I think you need to figure something out. There's a wide variety of things you can do. For me, painting, journaling, yoga/pilates, or even just listening to my favorite music is how I help calm myself down. Sometimes even going on a walk. It doesn't have to just be sitting and breathing, it's gotta be what feels right for you, ya know? So, that being said, I think once you're able to find this safe space for yourself, you'll start to hear messages. Whether it's from outside of you, or within your own mind. Intuition being reversed tells me you're having issues following it right now. I think getting that safe space is going to help you start to hear your intuition, or at least follow it better. To stop doubting it. I understand how that can be hard, I personally need cold hard facts before I can follow my intuition. I find that when I don't follow it because I lack sufficient evidence for my mind to think it's worth following, my intuition always ends up being right in the end. So, I think you're being asked to stop doubting yourself and your intuition. But, then there's a few of you who are daydreaming or are up in your head too much. So much so, you're lacking action. Maybe this is in the form of procrastination, too. Which, hey we're all guilty of that once and a while. But I think this is a call for you to be more action-oriented than. The booklet for the witches oracle mentions that this message is especially true if rooted is pulled too, which, it was. However, it, too, was reversed. So, I don't think it's a message for all of you. I think it's for a few. For all, though, even those who are trying this already, you need to find a way to better ground yourself. I personally have a few carnelians that just holding helps me feel more connected to my body. But, other things too. I listen to water, like waves. I do it with homework. Specifically Lake Superior waves because it's a lake I've been to, so I feel more connected to it. But, it could be anything for you. Water noises like waves or waterfalls. Birds? Even traffic noises. There's a need to feel whole within your body (something I have issues with a lot, myself, so I'm right there with you), as well as feeling safe to? I think some affirmations might help, because once they stick in your head you start to believe them. Something like, "I am safe. I am grounded. I am whole." These are a few things. I think you should look into other things because these are just my own ideas and I think it's going to be different for all. I also got two of those Affirmations! decks, the normal one and the creativity one. I wanted to pull a couple creativity cards for you guys who are into creative stuff, but I think they can apply for all of you. These two cards are Conviction, and Seeing the Best. Seeing the Best talks about taking something you have made and seeing only the good qualities in it, even if you think it's absolute garbage. It's about being proud of what you've made, but also your accomplishments, no matter how big or small. I think if you've been feeling like you're almost overworked, this is something needing to be done. Like, sitting down and mapping out all that has been done by you so far. I think you'll find, once you've done this, that you've accomplished so much and that sometimes it's hard to see in the moment, but those accomplishments are still there, no matter what. Conviction talks about being as authentic as you can be. Being yourself and not watering that down for anyone. I think with seeing the best, it means that those little quirks you have that other people don't, are so good. They're yours, and yours alone, so why would you want to hide them? They make you you. So, if maybe part of this stress and having people dislike you for being you (which, hey if that's happening, fuck them!!! You let Sara know who it is so she can give them a talking to!!!!), I think you're meant to take what makes you stand out and shout it louder than you have been. As that card states, people are going to dislike you for being you, right? So, why would you give into that? I personally think the best revenge (and the card even says this) is to just keep being you. I hate having to conform and I hate being told what to do, so to me that is perfect revenge. The biggest Fuck You that you could possibly dish out. The regular Affirmation! cards are following your heart (!!! intuition!!! being you!!!), vitality, and divine timing. Not gonna lie, when divine timing fell out I had to groan. That paired with the moon made me think that this was my pile, lol. Like, I'm so sick of having to be patient, but this message is that you need to know that this work will pay off. That you following your heart and your intuition will not lead you somewhere you don't want to be. Rather, it will lead you to exactly where you want to be and where you're meant to be. I think there's something you're being prepared for, but the moon tells me it's not supposed to be known yet. With all those cards about getting grounded and following your intuition, I'd say you're being prepared for something. I can't tell you what, because, like I said. You're not meant to know yet. It's supposed to be a surprise! And, damn do I hate hearing that, so if you do too, don't worry. You're not alone. We're just not meant to know yet. But, with two wands cards and one being a 10, I'd say you're close to ending a cycle or are in the process of doing so. Even though the intuition reversed can talk about all thinking and no acting, I think that was where you needed to be prior to right now, and now, you're meant to act. That's going to be different for everyone, because this is still a super vague reading. It's pretty general and I'm sure many people can find something within this, but depending on what's going on in your life, you're being asked to act. I also think vitality is asking you to act too. It talks about being alive and being grateful for that. So, I think it's telling you, you're alive, so you might as well act. Which, again, I kind of hate that message too, but clearly I'm getting it for myself as well lol, so if you're in the same boat as me. Your wild offering card was self-love, and I definitely was getting that vibe overall from this pile. I mean, from being told to value who you are and not to water it down for anyone, to being told to find your safe space and ground yourself, I think it's just overall telling you that you need to be your #1 priority. This is going to mean different things for everyone, again. Like, first off, you all do need to ground yourself, or work on it more. But also, making sure you don't have too much to handle right now, and learning when to ask for help. Self-love isn't easy at all, and sometimes I find we're our worst enemy. But, those are the times when we need to love ourselves the most, right? So, I'm just here to remind you that you're a wonderful person and that you are whole and okay. Please take care of yourselves! I love you guys! Really, I truly do, and I want you to love you too! Also, side note, again, with that self-love card, I'm thinking you need to look at the moon, or the stars. Or just, the night sky. Hell, even the day-sky. Also, I'm noticing that there are more blues and greens in this spread than other colors. Or just, less color than there could be, especially warm colors like red. I think that's another sign that maybe carnelians are good for you, or anything red? Like, red, orange, yellow (bright yellow). Idk! Just a thought! Also, I'm meant to tell you that with the divine timing, you're being watched over. Whether that's by the universe or a higher power or your ancestors? The bottom deck card for the witches oracle was the ancestors card which talks about being watched over, bottom deck for wild offering was trust, and your bottom deck for the tarot was 3 of swords. So, for some of you (or all of you?) you're feeling a lot of pain/heartbreak over a situation right now. Or, in the recent past you were. I think these are just saying, "hey, we see your pain and brighter days and things are ahead", so again. Being prepared for something, but something good I think. Just remember to take care of yourself in the mean time! I didn’t write down as many songs as I normally do, so I’m only doing 1 for each pile and yours was House on Fire by Black Taxi. Not sure how it applies to you, but there might be something within the lyrics? Or you may like it! Who knows! I know it was part of my huge playlist of like 1800+ songs and so it wasn’t a song I’d heard in years, so I was surprised! Pile 2:

cards: the devil, temperance, 9 of pentacles, journey, wolf, good things to come, everyone's a teacher, vitality, bravery, trust "Sometimes crushing it means asking for help" "You are the product of what you believe." "Your gut knows what's up. Trust that bitch." Right away, with that devil card, I'm hearing "A wolf in sheep's clothing". So, either someone is lying to you about who they truly are, or you're lying to someone? Someone is lying here. And, I'm not sure if it's entirely too bad. I definitely see that with this devil card comes a lot of temptation. Like, this one is a hot guy just kind of holding his hand out saying "Here, take my hand.", but like with taking his hand comes maybe a less than ideal situation? Whoever this is, they have mesmerizing eyes, so if this is someone lying to you, that's a clue. Light colored eyes too, like a really light blue or gray, maybe even green? That's not going to be for all of you, but for someone out there...Watch out. Two major arcana...I'm getting some Sagittarius and Capricorn vibes, especially Capricorn with the devil and the 9 of pentacles. So, aside from that message about someone lying, I read this as someone trying to balance out their materialistic side? Like, maybe they have a lot of abundance right now and they're tempted to spend money they don't need to be spending on things they don't need? The 9 of pentacles talks about stability, like independent stability. It's often read as a person who's single. But, this card is reversed, so it could be about....Oh. Okay, for some this is about a relationship where there is shared finances. I'm seeing this as trying to balance it out, between saving and spending. Like, knowing when you can indulge and when you need to hold back. But, for some, it's also just someone in your life trying to control your finances. Like, I think you are fairly independent, especially with what you make financially, but there is someone who is mooching off of you, or maybe just controlling how you deal with your earned finances? With the temperance, I think it's you finding where to allow interference and where not to. For some, it's not about money at all, and about a relationship, whether its between you and someone who is really controlling. For some this could be an abusive situation, but for most I think it's just that one of you has a tendency to try and control things. Maybe it's like, you're the 9 of pentacles and maybe it's reversed for you because you bend easily? Like, maybe you're a people pleaser and so, its like this devil energy comes in and is easily able to control you. For some it's bad, like manipulative. For others, it's just not on purpose. Maybe they just have a personality that just kind of is louder than yours? For some this is you being tempted by this devil character. Like, it could be someone you're really attracted to, and so maybe it's learning how to tame the temptation/attraction? But, this 9 of pentacles suggests that maybe...I don't think you need to tame it? I think it's like, you do need to find a good balance (again, so much balance!), but that this temptation in moderation isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a good thing? Like, I get that some of you are needing to loosen up (lmao, me too, though) so this devil comes over, lends a hand with that. Which. Oof. Okay, definitely getting a lot of sexual energy here. Like at first I was joking a little like, oh that devil is hot! But now I'm like. Ooo. Okay, like really hot. Like I get a lot of attraction here between you two and I haven't even pulled more cards lmao, so while for some this is about materialism and controlling it and what not, for most its about another person. This person is super sunny too. Like, originally I was going off of the "wolf in sheep's clothing" (which could very well still ring true) and like go off of more darker meanings of the devil, but I think for most this is just a case where there's this person who is just super devilishly charming? Like, have you ever met anyone like that? Because I've met a few and PHEW. It's always something. So, I think to add to that, I think they're just really sunny. Like, have you ever met anyone who an embodiment of the sun to you? Again, I've met a few and it's always something. So, to say this person is something is an understatement. There's so much green so far, too. So I'd say this person is going to bust open your heart. Make it melt a little. I'm really warm, so, make you sweat a little. The bottom of the tarot is the emperor, so !! Yes. This person is kind of the Real Deal. A sunny person who also has a super seductive quality to them. They may get to be a little controlling, I don't think they mean it though, so make sure your boundaries are strong. This person wears boots for some of you, or like, they have a pair they like to wear. Maybe hiking boots? For most I see timbalands lmao Also tattoos and darker hair colors. Longer hair too. Their skin is darker, or they tan well. Don't take this to heart, this could just be for a few of you. The most interesting thing has happened. I pulled the wolf card in the witches oracle deck, which is so funny because I got that saying, "a wolf in sheep's clothing" in my head. And, I think this might be that there are two groups of you. So, I'll try to be as clear as possible. The first is that this is someone who may come off one way, but is actually another. This person is good though. I don't think they meant to come off the first way, and it could very well be an assumption on your part. We all do that sometimes. The other group is dealing with someone who, again, is coming off one way but is another. This one is not so good. I don't get horrible vibes, though. I just get that they're not as good as the person the other group is dealing with. This person I think is a test in your believes and your self-worth. Well, I think they both are, but one is karmic and is here to teach you to love yourself and to put yourself first. The other (the “good” one), while they're here to teach you that, I think they're also here to learn it with you rather than just teach you. I also am thinking that you will know which group you’re in, even if it hasn't started for you yet? The wolf card in the witches oracle talks about trusting ones instinct. You got another card that literally tells you to follow your gut, so that part where I said you will know which group your apart of? Yeah. You will. If you don't and you're in a situation that may be similar to this, then maybe this isn't really your pile and maybe you're meant to come back to this at a later date? Oh. Ear is ringing, so yeah. If you're reading this and are unclear about what it is, either come back another day/time, or check out another pile for now. If you do know, then please stay lol. Another card that suggests, to me, that you know what's going on, is trust. It talks about trusting oneself and the process one is going through. Divine timing wanted to come out but, I put it back because it was a part of a chunk of cards, so I was like if it needed to work its way out, it would. And, it did in a way. This Trust card suggests it to me. So, if this is a connection and you're feeling impatient, you're meant to trust this process and try to be patient about it. Whether that is about getting away from this person (if you are part of the group where they’re not so great), or things moving forward with them (if they are “good”). Everyone's a Teacher talks about learning things from everyone you meet. This reinforces the idea to me that this this person was put into your life to teach you something, and I think one of those things is learning how to trust your intuition. Another is loving yourself and knowing you're enough. The "being enough" card says just that, that you are enough. "You are enough. Nowhere to go, nothing to get, nothing to change. No need to grow more deserving. You, yes you, are Love." So for the group of you that this person is teaching you about self worth in a more deceptive way, I think this message pertains to you more. I think you need to know that. Also, "you are a product of what you believe" is telling you this too. It even talks about how if you think you're a turd, you're going to think you're a turd. So, please don't think you're a turd!!! Gross!!! You are not gross!!! And if this person makes you think that, then kick em to the curb! You can do that and still learn this lesson! You're already enough, anyway. I know it says you don't need to grow or be more, but I think it's like. You're already whole as you are, right? It's just this is a lesson that is teaching you that you need to love yourself, and so you're growing while...being told you don't need to, so its a little confusing, but its good! Journey also confirms that these are lessons! I think with Bravery, it's talking about how you're going to get more confident with this self-love you're starting to feel (for the first time or again). I think it's also going hand in hand with Vitality, like you're feeling more confident to do new things? I got vitality for the last pile, and I read that more as them being grateful. I think you are going to be feeling more grateful soon, but I also think this time it's more that maybe you're lacking energy and maybe this person either is taking it away (the wolf version), or they're restoring it (the sunny, not a wolf version lol). But, overall, for all of you this situation is going to end with something good. Whether it's that they leave your life or they stay there and add to it, something good is coming. Good things to come tells me this and I think this is just a sign that there are good things coming, but you're not meant to know what they are quite yet -which was what I got for pile 1, so some of you may want to check that one out if you were torn between the two. I do also think that this pile is learning how to ask for help when needed (another message from pile 1!)? So, even if you know in your gut if this person is for you or not, I think it doesn't hurt to get other people's advice. I just wouldn't let their advice go straight to your head and become the end-all be-all. I would take it into consideration and if your gut is saying, "yes, that is right" then, yeah! Listen to them! But if not...? Just, keep it in mind but don't take it to heart. I think this card may apply more to some of you who are having issues with finances, like those who relate to the 9 of pentacles and the devil kind of working as you having issues with overspending (because I think while this devil is another person, I also see it as a whole situation too). So, if you need help with that, it doesn't hurt to ask. I just wouldn't ask this devil person if they're not who they say they are and you know it's not the best thing for you. Gosh, I hope this is helpful and that it makes sense? I think there is a lot going on for this group, but it mostly is a situation with someone else. I want everyone to be safe, remember to keep boundaries. Follow your gut, but be safe in the process. And, remember, no matter what comes from this, you are enough! A song that got stuck in my head while doing this pile was Selfless by The Strokes. It’s a song I don’t listen to often, though I’d say it is one of my favorites by them, so it felt significant for you! Pile 3:

cards: 9 of pentacles, 8 of swords, judgement, self-sufficiency, power, get centered, beauty, forgiveness, showing up, unicorn voice, all hallows eve, banshee "Maybe you just need to shake your booty?" "Grab your own booty." "Go outside and do shit" I think some of you who picked this pile are worried you're not doing things right. Or that you're not on the right path, but you definitely are. Judgement is here to tell me that. It also tells me that there are some things that might show up from your past (like lessons) that need to be revisited, but again, this is all on your path, okay? 9 of pentacles tells me that some of you are already stable within yourself, whereas others of you are almost there. Like, literally just an arms reach away - like in the card how she’s reaching. The 8 of swords tells me you are a very logical person. I think you're in your head a lot and I think you have the tendency to overthink. This could be why you're wondering if you're on the right path, but again: you are! Again, I said that some of you are already stable within yourself, or are an arms reach away from this. By this, I mean independent. Self-sufficient. And right after I said that, the Self-sufficiency card came out for you! For some, this is a reminder that you are whole (a theme throughout all 3 piles today). For others, this is a reminder that this is where you're headed, and not to worry (another theme!!). You will get there in your own time. This card talks about relying on God, and I personally am not super religious. I consider myself somewhat spiritual, but not religious, so I'm not reading it this way. However, if this is how you want to read it, it still applies! I just think, over all, this is telling you that you're strong and reliable and when you rely on yourself, it's okay because again, you're reliable. I don't think it means to only rely on yourself, but I think it means to make sure you do when you need to. Like, you're capable of taking care of yourself and others. So, judgement and banshee paired together seem pretty powerful to me. I hate that I pull banshee for one pile every time I pull out these cards, but clearly I need to tell you this as a warning. For some this is about not allowing yourself to overthink things. That's a dangerous cycle to get stuck in. However, while it's a warning, I also see it to mean that this is a cycle that is coming to a close because it talks about endings and new beginnings. "Go outside and do shit" is just telling me that this is maybe one way for you to end this cycle. Like, to get grounded (get centered was one of your cards!), and sometimes the best way is to go outside (if it's possible where you live, it’s only just warming up here), if not just do something related to nature. Or, anything that you know/think will ground you. I think this will get you out of that 8 of swords energy, or help relieve it. Forgiveness, also, is something to think about. Banshee wanted to come out reversed, but it did so sideways, so its only for a handful of you. That handful of you are angry, and I do wonder if this independent energy you're in is your form of revenge? Either way, it's a warning to make sure you're not being vengeful. I think with power, and forgiveness, it's telling you that you're really powerful as a person and this can hurt people when used wrongly. You're being asked to forgive those who did you wrong, and to forgive yourself in the process as well. I do want to say, however, that forgiving someone does not give them the right to be in your life, however. If this is someone who you let go of because their actions/words were harmful to you, don’t just accept them back in because you forgive them. That being said, you're being asked to see your power. See that you have everything you need within you. Two of the Spiritual AF cards talk about butts, so I think you probably have a great ass so, ya know, feel good about that. But in general, I think you're a really good looking group. I mean, those paired with beauty!? And 9 of pentacles!? You're probably really beautiful! I mean, we all are, but I bet you're like STUNNING. And that independent energy, I think, is actually really drawing people in. I think this is telling you to stay true to yourself and your beliefs, and not to let anyone change you. And if this is something that happened to you in the past, forgive and let go. All Hallow's Eve, unicorn voice, beauty, power and showing up (even "grab your own butt. Love yourself") are all about self-love and loving yourself for who you are. There is a strong self-love theme throughout all the piles, but this one had the strongest. I think you're well on your way to getting there (for some, you already have a healthy dose of it), but it doesn't mean that you're not always feeling it. So, I think this is just a reminder that you're The Shit and that you're powerful and perfect just the way you are. And, I think if you're having issues seeing things this way, or having issues letting go of control (like, maybe a workaholic, I could see that for some of you), I think you're in need of shaking your ass like the "maybe you just need to shake your booty?" card suggests. It says that if you can stop taking yourself so seriously, then things can lighten up, so for some of you, you are being told to lighten up but to also remember you're the shit too. Also, a side note to say that showing up is also a card that talks about being present, but also being able to "show up" for yourself, even if that means giving yourself a few minutes to work on a project/hobby a day. Or just doing something you love. You're showing up for yourself that way, and it's important to remember that. Especially for my workaholics (I'm definitely included in that message lol). If you were drawn to any of the other piles, but this one won over the others, I really need to let you know that there are messages in the other two for you if you felt drawn to the others. I mean, even if you weren't there may be messages within them for you, but this is especially for those drawn to more than one pile. I think that this is a standalone that could go with either of the other piles to be honest. This one I think was the shortest of the 3, but it was a pretty quick one because everything tied in so nicely. So, remember, love yourself because you're the shit and that you're on the right path right now. You're self-sufficient and badass and even though you may need to keep yourself in check (please forgive and let go if at all possible!), you're still the shit! For a song for you, I got Okay by Chase Atlantic, and in my notes there’s just a “???” next to it because I’m not sure why this felt significant, but I had to write down that it came on while reading for you. Maybe you’re a Chase Atlantic fan or something, but that’s your pile’s song!

#pick a pile #pick a card #tarot #pick a picture

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nothingsolutions · 2 years

Text

EMMA Koo... a year later/ Conversations About Nothing

Emmas new Radiohead record blares on the floor

We’re in her room

Gone are the signatures and bright red walls

Her freshly painted room

Is a calming shade of white

Any comment on the white room? I feel clean

Y: ummmm the writing was holding onto peoples energy I no longer hold onto

//Flips thru diff songs on the vinyl

//Thom yorke sings

Is Lola still your alter egos name: yea but she’s on hiatus

Where did she go? I have no idea she’s somewhere far far away

On a plot of open space

Right amount of pillows on a bed: honestly 5 but I move all of them so I can fall asleep flat on my back

Lately I’ve been sitting like a shrimp

Dream social media: none at all. ever.

Not even? Everyone should just write books, make music and make art

Big creative project: ummmm large-scale: still my boyfriends a rockstar. small scale: Arya’s Christmas present

thoughts on the travy patty: PR nightmare

Something 2 get into: reading books and Pilates

//Emma messes with the tone and speed of the record

Most inspiring color: black

Y: its relatable but scary too

Skittles or em n m’s: neither

Top 4 designers: ooh hyein seo, takahiro miyashita, virgil (rip),.. I don’t even like anybody’s clothes.. oh Yohji duh

Fav song carried by its feature: animal by miike snow the mike ronson version wait no I change my answer completely palm olive by Freddie Gibbs, the pusha t. feat carried heavy.

(y/n q) Emma chamberlain: yes

from a biz standpoint: big yes

Her new vlogs are so ominous she’s so lonely.

That humans though.

I still haven’t tried the charilie dude

YOU GOTTA TRY THE CHARILIE

Fav alt girl: pipilotti rist

Fav aphex song rt now: ageispolis

the superior gec: number 7

Most important part of an outfit: confidence

Popcorn: no butter

I want an eyebrow piercing: hell yea I’m kinda mad I don’t have one yet but the nose will suffice for now

Perfect perfume 4 a rainy beach day: California dream by Louis Vuitton or nightclubbing by Celine for the post beach dinner

//Proceeds to pull out nightclubbing and its intoxicating

//It smells like raw positive pessimist confluence spirit

Freestanding mirror: I need the biggest one possible

Im James Corden and ur on carpool karaoke: we are singing fashion beats by the black eyed peas and there’s a song that came to mind but left instantly oh yea before I forget by slipknot

New yrs res ur not gonna keep: to ponder a tattoo a year before getting it

I got advice

If you ever want a tattoo wait a year and if you still want it

get it

And to keep my room clean

halloween next yr: 3 outfit changes

//I have to wait…

Can’t have you dressing up like me for halloween

r u internet kid: sadly yes

Hello kitty hellcat? Postponed due to gas prices but u know what they gonna put v8s outa of productions in 5 years

We’ve reached the plug part of the interview: spirited gallery and my boyfriends a rockstar and sea moss (like from the sea) also alkaline water.. life changing

Its been a quiet year

And I think my answers reflect that

I also don’t have pink hair anymore

She will make a comeback in 3-4 years

Once my hair heals

See you next year? See ya next year

Au revoir!!

#conversationsaboutnothing

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winterromanov · 5 years

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AU idea- college athlete Bucky and he’s really popular and all that but very sweet and he meets this girl who’s sweet and a little quiet in one of his classes and he just keeps trying to be around her, study with her, buy her coffee and she likes him but she’s just like.... why is this cute popular boy paying attention to me lol

pairing: bucky x reader (also SUPER tempted to do a part two of this, let me know if you’re interested)

You recognise the guy staring at you from across the table in your Russian lit tutorial. You recognise him because everyone knows Bucky Barnes, the football star, certified big name on campus and best friend of fellow football star Steve Rogers. He’s the guy that every girl on your corridor gossips about, the one all the professors love, the one who gets hundreds of likes on his Instagram pictures.

(You don’t follow him but you have to admit, you’ve scrolled through his feed a few times. Just to see what the fuss is all about, you know. And you know. Boy, you know.)

You’ve never actually interacted with him before because your circles aren’t the kind that usually interlink, but now you’re sat in a seminar on Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, and Bucky Barnes is definitely staring at you.

When your eyes eventually flicker up from your laptop--just to double check you’re not making it all up, that he’s not looking at the much prettier girl next to you--he grins, pen between his teeth. Your cheeks involuntarily catch fire and you deliberately snap away. Because this is Bucky Barnes you’re talking about, who dated Natasha Romanoff in his freshman year before it all very publically...fell apart. Who could have literally any girl he wanted worshiping at his high-tops. Who would never look at a girl like you because, well.

You’re you.

You’re trying to buy coffee in the campus shop next to the library when he actually speaks to you directly for the first time. Emphasis on the word trying, because you left your damn purse at home and Apple Pay is not being your friend and you can feel yourself getting more and more embarrassed the longer the cashier has to wait. You eventually resort to rummaging round your backpack for loose change in order to pay the poor guy, but an arm with a contactless debit card reaches out and beeps the payment through for you.

“I’ll get a latte to go, please, Mario.”

“Of course. Anything for you, Mr Barnes.”

It’s Bucky Barnes. Of course it’s Bucky Barnes--only someone like him would take the time to know the server by name. He’s wearing his faded red Columbia jersery and a baseball cap. His grin is kinda crooked and yes, yes you know it’s one of the many reasons all the girls go wild for him.

“You didn’t have to do that,” you say, stepping aside so he can go to the front of the queue. He merely shrugs. “Here--let me pay you back, I know I’ve got a couple of dollars in here somewhere...”

He shakes his head as he taps his card once again, the server handing him his latte in a reusable mug with a wink. “Don’t worry about it. Honestly, your idea about interior monologue in Anna Karenina in Ivan’s class the other day actually inspired my paper, so I do owe you one.”

You blink, kinda dumbstruck at the thought of Bucky Barnes remembering any input you’d given in class. Or anyone remembering any input you’d given in class. “You liked my point?”

“Oh, yeah.” Bucky sips his coffee, grimacing slightly as the liquid burns his lips. “Tolstoy finding humour in death. It’s so dark and beautiful. All your points, actually--you see a lot in literature than I’ve never picked up on in a first reading.”

“I...Uh. Well. Thank you.” You’ve always been quite reserved in class, scared to say anything in case it’s stupid or outlandish and the other students laugh at you. In reality you know it’s you being paranoid, but old habits die hard.

Bucky looks at his watch before hissing a profanity under his breath. “Gotta run. Cold War study group across campus in three minutes. Catch you later?”

He phrases it like a question rather than a generic add on, a necessity of politeness. His blue eyes look at you expectantly, actively waiting for you to reply.

(They’re so blue, his eyes. Blue like the sky in the summer back home, bright and cloudless and stared at from a meadow.)

“Yeah, of course! See you in class.” You raise your coffee cup sheepishly in his eyeline. “And thanks for the coffee.”

And like that he vanishes, bustling out the door and stepping purposefully in the opposite direction as the sun blazes on his back.

You see his backpack before you see him, slammed down on the bench next to you in the lecture hall. He sits down with a long exhale of breath, like he’s ran here--this time he’s dressed in sportswear so you assume he’s been to the gym. Veins ripple and flex up his ridiculously toned arms. Being a football hero probably does that to you.

“Crime and Punishment,” he says, instead of a greeting. “What did you think?”

You smile, spreading your hand across the heavily annotated and dog-eared copy you have in front of you. “Long, dark, often psychologically challenging, but ultimately an interesting perspective on nihilism. And you?”

“Oh.” He nods in faux seriousness. “I thought much the same. Reckon I’d like to go for a beer with Dostoevsky.”

“That would be an interesting encounter.”

Bucky rests his laptop and his copy of the book on the bench and looks as though he might say something else until the professor enters the room, hushing the hall to silence. When the lights dim so you can see the projector, you wonder if Bucky can hear how furiously your heart beats in your chest.

After than, some sort of unspoken agreement develops wherein every Russian literature class, his place is a spot next to you. You always seem to arrive first--he’s always rushing from somewhere--but he clocks you and instinctively walks over, sliding into a chair adjacent to your own. The conversation is usually the same. Always about the books.

You’re not sure what any of it means but you’ve somehow found a friend in the famous Bucky Barnes, and people start to notice.

“Since when have you and Bucky been so close?” Wanda Maximoff asks as you queue for the canteen lasagna, the flourescent bar lights doing nothing for the food presentation. “My brother is in your lit class and he says you two sit together a lot.”

You shrug, spooning lasagna onto your plate. “We just sit together.”

“You don’t just sit together with Bucky Barnes, (Y/N). That’s not a thing that happens.”

“Honestly, Wanda, we just talk about books.”

Wanda narrows her eyes, swiping her meal card at the end of the belt. “Sure, okay. I believe you. For now.”

She has to believe you, because you know what she’s insinuating. And when you look across the canteen and see Bucky laughing with Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson and his ex girlfriend Natasha Romanoff, you know this cute, handsome boy and his often insightful observations of Russian texts are so far out of your league that it’s kind of embarrassing.

so, (y/n). what did you think of the master and margarita?

i think pilate suffering for his sins for two thousand years is pretty rough tbh

but he deserves it?

i mean. probably. his suffering is necessary for the redemption arc

just what i was going to say. obviously.

see you tomorrow :)

“Do you want to come to a party?”

Bucky asks you this as you come out of your seminar on Chekov’s Uncle Vanya and, admittedly, it kind of knocks you off guard. When you lamely blink back at him blankly, he decides to elaborate.

“It’s my friend Sam’s birthday. It’s just at our dorm--should be fun. Although we’re very competitive when it comes to beer pong, so beware.” His smile is wistful but he quickly comes back to earth, falling in step with you as you walk along the hall. “So what do you say? You interested?”

“You’re inviting me to a party?” you reply, as this is a very big step in your friendship. This is assuming he’d happily see you outside of class amongst his equally popular and attractive friends.

“Yeah, I think so,” he laughs bemusedly, pausing at the door that leads to the quad. He has his Cold War class across campus. “(Y/N), I’d really like you to come.”

You look at him and expect him to reveal this--him--as a joke, but he’s earnest and certain and honest, with an almost shy smile on his face. His eyes are hidden by his usual cap but you know the colour of blue so well by now. And not just because you’d zoomed in on his Facebook photo in a moment of ridiculous late-night longing.

(You follow him on Instagram now, too, but only because he followed you first. You were still too uncertain to initiate it, worried that he’d ignore you.)

“Okay,” you say, swallowing nervously. Wondering if this might be a mistake. That you’d turn up and no-one there would like you. “Who else will be there?”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll introduce you.” He pauses, chewing his lip for a second, before gesturing at the door. “I’ve got class, so I’ll...I’ll see you later.”

Your hands tighten round the straps of your backpack. “See you later, Bucky.”

Bucky shares a floor with Sam Wilson and Steve Rogers at a block about a ten minute walk from your own, and you use the walk in the chill New York air to calm your jangling nerves. You’re wearing your favourite navy blue dress and have braided your hair and made an effort with your makeup--and you’re not totally sure what for, what you’re expecting. You’re just the quiet girl in Bucky Barnes’ literature class. You don’t know how it got to this.

You’re too awkward to press the buzzer so you message Bucky to let him know you’re outside. Scrolling through your Facebook inbox, your messages have become...quite frequent. Especially at night. You lie on your bed and frantically type until the early hours, only realising it’s 3am before it’s too late.

That’s what friends do, right? Friends.

(God, you’re so fucking in love with him, aren’t you?)

Bucky’s on the edge of a laugh when he answers the door, but his expression falters into muted surprise as soon as he lays eyes on you on his doorstep. A silly gold party hat is positioned at an angle over his head.

“(Y/N),” he says, and you flush, because the way he says your damn name. He steps aside so you can step in under his arm. “I’m glad you came. Finished The Idiot yet?”

“Onto the last fifty pages.” His house is decked out with balloons and paper chains and the loud pumping of a bass stereo carries from the lounge, alongside the chatter of laughing of guests. You recognise Columbia’s only archer and Olympic hopeful Clint Barton rush up the stairs, holding the hand of a brown haired girl. Bucky rolls his eyes at him and yells already? “I think it might be one of my favourites on the module.”

He leads you through to the kitchen which is empty other than various bottles of alcohol on the table and Natasha Romanoff sitting on the counter. Her red hair hangs effortlessly across her shoulders, lips painted scarlet, wearing a classy black jumpsuit. Natasha Romanoff makes you feel nervous because a) she’s the kind of girl you could never be and b) she’s the kind of girl Bucky Barnes dates. She’s sipping rose out of a wine glass, her eyes discretely looking you up and down.

“Is this the famous (Y/N)?” Natasha asks, her tone intrigued, her lips curved. Bucky laughs bashfully, scratching the back of his head. “Honestly, this guy doesn’t stop talking about you.”

“Sorry?” you gape, looking between her and him. Bucky sends Natasha a glare that signals for her to shut up which only makes her more amused by the situation, leaning back casually. “Uh, I don’t know--”

“Ignore her. She’s insatiable.” Bucky quickly swerves, pressing a glass into your hand. “Would you like a drink? We have pretty much everything imaginable. Natasha has plenty of wine she’d love to share.”

Natasha is totally unaffected, already looking at her mobile phone. She flicks a hand at a line of bottles next to the microwave. “Feel free, honey.”

You’re not a big drinker as you don’t often frequent cool college parties and you’ve been drunk a grand total of one time after one too many glasses of champagne on new year’s eve. Bucky seems to see this in your face.

“You don’t have to drink, obviously,” he says kindly, “But if you mix a bit of soda with rose it actually tastes kinda nice. Much better than beer, anyway.”

“Okay,” you nod, letting him mix the drink for you. He’s remarkably careful, pouring the tiniest amount from one of Natasha’s bottles and topping it up with sprite. He grabs a beer for himself, cracking off the lid with his teeth.

“You know you’re not impressive when you do that,” Natasha says drolly, even though she hasn’t looked up from her phone.

“(Y/N) was impressed,” Bucky says with a wink. You try and keep straight-faced but yeah, come on. You were.

“Of course she was impressed,” Natasha interjects, “You’re both stupidly in love with each other but too polite to make a move.”

Bucky flips her off before pressing a gentle hand in the small of your back, ushering you away from her. “She’s drunk.”

“I’m not drunk!”

You sip your drink, wondering if your palms will ever stop sweating. Natasha can’t be right. She isn’t right. Or is she? No, she can’t be, because this is Bucky Barnes and you’re you.

Bucky’s friends are actually kinda nice. Really nice, in fact. You’ve always been intimidated by Steve Rogers’ reputation on campus but he might be one of the sweetest guys you’ve ever met, instantly welcoming and eager to get you involved with the games he’s beginning to set up. Sam Wilson is bold and blunt, but he grins mischievously and gives Bucky a pointed look when he introduces you and snaps a party hat to your head. In various corners of the apartment you see people you vaguely recognise from school, names burning at the edges of your memory but ultimately escaping you.

Steve sets up the table for beer pong and Bucky clutches your wrist, beckoning you over to play (and cutting short your conversation with a very interesting business major called Pepper). Steve and Sam are on one side while you and Bucky are apparently on the other--Steve’s positioned himself so he’s directly in view of a British exchange student with big eyes on the other side of the room.

(Aside from your own, you’re actually pretty observant when it comes to potential romantic encounters.)

“Just so you know,” Sam stares hard at the two of you, pointing with two fingers, “It’s my birthday, so I have to win. It’s the rules.”

“I don’t think you have to worry,” you reply, looking up at Bucky. His expression is warm, his arms desperately close to yours. “I’m probably going to be pretty rubbish at this.”

“Buck’s a good teacher,” Steve says, grabbing a ping-pong ball and handing it over to Sam. He rolls it between his fingers, his face scrunched in mock seriousness. “But we’ve all had plenty of practice.”

“Too much practice, arguably,” Bucky drawls. “And Wilson, don’t you think for one second that (Y/N) and I are going to let you win under any circumstances.”

“I don’t need you to let me win,” Sam says, before perfectly throwing the ball into one of the cups near the front. He stands back smugly, crossing his arms over his chest, as the rest of the room whoops. “I think you’ll find I possess the skills for victory, fair and square.”

You laugh as Bucky rolls his eyes, picking up the plastic cup filled halfway with lukewarm beer. He keeps eye contact as he knocks the whole thing back, wiping his lip emphatically once he’s done. “That’s it. The game is on.”

Admittedly, it get’s to a point where it’s pretty close. You almost visibly bristle as Bucky tries to show you the ropes, positioning your hips with his hands and following your aim as you try (and often fail) to pit the ball in one of the opposite team’s plastic cups. Whenever you score he yelps dramatically, high-fiving you, and his grin is borderline magical.

(Natasha watches bemusedly from the sidelines, making dry comments here and there. It’s like she’s checking you out for herself. Assessing you.)

It get’s to the point where there is only one cup left on either side and the tension is palpable. Limbs are floppier from downing liquor, the aim repeatedly more off--your stomach is warm and your feet feel light--and Bucky’s palms ghost your waist as you concentrate on what could be the winning put. Sam and Steve try and distract you by dancing ridiculously to an ABBA track playing out the speakers, but Bucky’s words of encouragement are what filter through. You take a deep breath and throw, only exhaling when your ball lands with a triumphant plop in the central solo cup.

Bucky throws his fist in the air before grabbing you and spinning you round, his laugh ecstatic in your ear. You cling onto his neck, your fingers barely millimeters from entangling in his hair, before he plants you down on the ground again. Well. You think you’re on the ground. You might as well be in the clouds.

“A round of applause for the winning shot,” Bucky says, holding your hand and lifting your arm so you can take your bow (which you do with pleasure). Steve and Sam pretend to be reluctant, but they clap anyway.

“I’ll allow it, this once, (Y/N),” Sam answers bemusedly, coming round to the other side of the table. “But if you try and upstage me on my birthday again there will be consequences.”

You feel more confident now, more like these people are your friends. So you grin, feeling the magnetic pull of Bucky to his side from next to you. “I’ll try not to. Promise.”

Sam hums, before clapping Bucky on the shoulder. “Come on, Barnes. You can go mix me a drink.”

Bucky shrugs, asking if you want anything from the kitchen while he’s on his way there, but you shake your head. You’re happy right now with what you have.

Natasha approaches you while you’re waiting outside the bathroom. Someone--you think he’s called Rhodey--emerges and offers you a salute and you’re about to go in, but Natasha grabs your hand and pulls you in with her and locks the door behind you.

You’re so astonished you’re not sure what to say. She brushes the hair away from her neck, back facing you.

“I need someone to unzip me,” she declares like it’s obvious, indicating towards the zipper halfway down her back. “Do you mind?”

“No,” you blink, hand nimbly reaching forward to drag the zipper down her back. Even her back is flawless, like porcelain, a tattoo of what looks like a spider curling up from her waist. “Of course not, no.”

She sits on the toilet unabashedly and doesn’t ask you to look away but of course, you do, because this whole situation feels very strange indeed. The wall is plain and blue and spotted with mildew, probably damp from the shower. Like all student accommodation. It feels weird looking at damp while Natasha Romanoff, beautiful as she is, literally pees behind you.

“I care about Bucky a lot,” she says suddenly, “I’ve known him a long time. Way before college, way before we--dated. I love him, but not in the way you think. And I know what he’s like, what the signs are.”

You shift your feet uncomfortably. “The signs of what?”

She audibly sighs out of frustration. “Honestly, it sounds like you’re both as bad as each other. I know--I know when he’s falling for somebody. You’d think, I know you think, that somebody like him...he’d have no problem with it. And maybe if he cared a little less and felt less intensely he wouldn’t.”

“I’m not sure...”

The toilet flushes. Natasha rises and turns back to you and you dutifully zip her back up while she washes her hands, looking at your reflection in the mirror. When you’re stood side by side like this it really does emphasise the differences between you, but also the similarities. She’s a girl. So are you. Girls, despite what every atom of her being exudes.

“You know exactly what I mean, (Y/N).” She smiles crookedly, wiping her hands on a towel. “Just--treasure him, yeah? He deserves it. I get a feeling you both do.”

She doesn’t look back at you as she leaves, closing the door behind her.

Bucky gives you one of his old football jerseys to walk home in because it’s past midnight and you didn’t bring your own. He also insists on walking you home. And you feel nervous, not just because you’re alone with him for the first time this evening, but also because Natasha’s words circle the back of your mind like a tape cassette stuck on loop. You know exactly what I mean, (Y/N).

“Can I ask you something?” you question, arms crossed as your steps echo on the sidewalk. The street is surprisingly deserted--it’s usually crowded with students, all sorts. Tonight, it is quiet.

Bucky looks over at you quizzically, but intrigued. “Yeah. Shoot.”

“Why me?” When he looks perplexed, you laugh awkwardly and continue on. “Connie Taylor is in our Russian lit class, too, and she’s way prettier than me and like...she’s been trying to get you to notice her all semester and yet.” You scrunch your nose as you look up at him, examining his features. His jawline. The hair that falls into his eyes. His naturally flushed cheeks. The party hat he’s yet to take off. Him. Him him him. “You always come to me.”

He bites the inside of his cheek. “Connie Taylor seems perfectly nice. But Connie isn’t you. I like you.” You arrive at the door of your block and he pauses, shoes scuffing into the ground. “She’s not prettier than you, or smarter than you, or any of the reasons you’ve inevitably thought in your head as to why you think she’s more deserving of anything than you. And I find it vaguely insulting that because...I don’t know, play football, that I could only be interested in one kind of person.”

You look away. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“No, I know.” He steps closer so that the toes of your shoes are almost touching. His hand searches in the darkness for your own. Squeezing your small fingers between his, scarred and scraped from football practice. “(Y/N), I like you because you’re funny and kind and intelligent. I like it when you message me about books, I like it when you save me a seat in lectures, I like it when you explain every single point you make so everyone in the class can understand it. I like so many things about you, and you need to get it out your head that because you’re not Connie Taylor that this can’t be true.”

“No-one ever notices me, Bucky,” you murmur quietly, “And I don’t say that for sympathy, or whatever. I say that because that’s how it’s always been.”

You both stare into each other and for one agonising, aching moment you think he might let go of your hand, snuff every spark out like a candle. But instead--instead he ducks in, covering your lips in a soft post-midnight kiss, his mouth warm and tasting faintly like beer. He snatches the breath from your lungs.

“Do you believe me now?” he whispers, hands curving round your jaw. You want to close your eyes, remember this feeling forever. Trap it all in a polaroid. “You are so fucking special. Everyone but you can see it, and it’s so frustrating.”

You kiss his palm, letting your lips linger on his skin for a moment longer. “Thank you for inviting me tonight. I had a really great time.”

His smile is faint but there, nonetheless. “I knew you would. I hope this means you’ll be willing to come out with me again sometime.”

“I think I would like that.”

He unravels from you, not before ducking in for one last sweet, beautiful kiss. “Goodnight, (Y/N).”

“‘Night, Bucky.”

Your hands remain clasped together until he’s far enough away from you, dropping your hand and grinning as he’s eventually lost in darkness. You have to hover for a second with your keycard in your hand, trying to gather your thoughts, process the events of the evening. Bucky Barnes like you. He likes you, not in spite of you, but because you’re you.

When you collapse on your bed you map the constellations of cracks on your ceiling, your heart thumping and your mind almost one hundred percent him.

“you and i, it’s as though we have been taught to kiss in heaven and sent down to Earth together, to see if we know what we were taught.”

y/n. it’s 2am and doctor zhivago is making me cry.

also sam has made me drink sambuca

i wish i was crying over russian books with you

even though ur probably asleep

that’s cool

hope ur having sweet dreams

miss you

my masterlist

send me a request

#oh my god im so sorry for this #it got a bit out of control #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x you #bucky x reader #marvel #mcu #marvel cinematic universe

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softbiker · 5 years

Text

Bucky Barnes Oneshot

Warnings: a couple of bad words

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: After being injured on a mission, Bucky winds up spending a day with the Avengers newest recruit. Bucky x Reader

A/N: This is my submission for @nacho-bucky ‘s writing challenge! My prompt was ‘the smell of freshly baked bread’. As a side note, I drank a whole pot of coffee yesterday and wrote this in one afternoon, so it’s also unedited :) As always, let me know what you think!

By the time the quinjet is an hour out from New York, Bucky Barnes is in an irredeemably foul mood.

Breaking up terror cells in Germany was supposed to be an easy mission - in and out, with the practiced ease of their well-oiled strike team. Really, they took the mission to spare German special forces the trouble...that, and a potential connection to an old Red Room contact of Natasha’s. With their “dream team” (Sam’s words, not Bucky’s) of Cap, Bucky, Sam, and Natasha, this should have been a light op, a scrimmage, Nerf ball.

Turns out superheroing is a contact sport, and they’ve got the bombs and broken ribs to prove it. A train station, a decoy, and an explosive device Natasha failed to disarm. With Sam coordinating civilian evacuation, there had only been a couple dozen injuries, but the suspect had slipped away, leaving them bruised and empty-handed.

Bucky had taken a brutal hit as he pulled Nat to safety, and now he is curled in his seat on the jet, metal hand holding his ribcage. He watches Steve scowl in the cockpit, jaw unflinchingly tight as he goes over the mission in his head. The captain doesn’t know how to let things go - never has, never will. Sam is actually piloting the quinjet, making unreturned small talk about a basketball game he went to last weekend. Natasha sits across from Bucky, a Stark tablet in her hands, dissecting bomb schematics and diagrams of diffusion techniques. There’s a little scab of dried blood on her bottom lip that she pokes at with her tongue, red brows lowered in concentration.

Bucky is exhausted - his hair smells like dust and smoke, his mouth is tangy and dry. There’s dried sweat underneath his uniform and he itches and his feet are hot in his boots and his ribs really fucking hurt. He lets his head fall back against the seat, and wishes they were home already.

**********

She pops her head up over the back of the couch when she hears them. What a sight they make: Bucky, propped up on Steve’s shoulder, Natasha dust-covered and buried in her tablet, Sam still sweaty and tugging at the harness on his suit. She still smiles, tentative but kind.

“Hi guys.” She lifts her fingers in a little wave. “Everyone okay?”

Bucky grunts in response; Natasha says nothing, making a beeline for her room and a shower. Sam, without doubt the most talkative person on the team, props himself on a stool and blows a harsh breath past his lips.

“We’re alright, yeah,” he sighed. “Barnes is a little beat up but he’ll get over it - he’s just dramatic.”

“Fuck you, too, Wilson.” Bucky flips Sam off over his shoulder as they hobble towards the elevators.

She winces, not yet used to their harsh banter.

“Hey man, be nice in front of the rookie, alright?” Sam hollers, mock-offended. “You’re creating a hostile work environment!”

Steve chuckles a little at that, jostling Bucky’s tender ribs, which makes him scowl at his best friend.

“Bucky is a hostile work environment,” Steve deadpans. They’ve reached the elevator, and shuffle inside, turning to face the common room. Bucky catches the rookie’s eyes as she giggles behind her hand.

“She’s fine,” he rolls his eyes, sparing a wink for the rookie. “When I make it hostile, bird brain, you’ll know.”

The elevator doors close, and he leans on Steve a little heavier, and jabs his elbow into Steve’s stomach.

“Thanks a lot for that, by the way,” he huffs.

“What?” Steve feigns innocence, and very poorly. “Didn’t know you were so worried about making a good impression on the rookie.”

“I’m - I’m not.”

“Uh huh.”

“Shut up.”

They meet Dr. Banner in the medical wing where his lab adjoins the clinic; Sam had messaged him half an hour ago that they were inbound with a broken supersoldier, and Bruce had taken the liberty of setting up some of his supplies. Of all the doctors on staff, Bucky favored Dr. Banner - he was mild and soft-spoken enough to not trigger Bucky’s anxiety, in spite of the needles and IV drips and the snapping of latex gloves.

An X-ray and some bandages later, Bucky is removed from the active duty list for two weeks.

“Even with your advanced healing factor, I wanna be careful with this,” Bruce says, taking off his glasses to scratch the side of his nose. “I mean, your medical history is a little blurry, to say the least - and with all the shit HYDRA pulled, who knows what kind of stress your bones have been through before.” He taps away on his tablet, notifying FRIDAY and the admin system to remove Bucky from the roster. “In the meantime, take it easy - no missions, no training, no lifting weights. Probably avoid the motorcycle, too. I’ll check on them again in two weeks, and we’ll go from there.”

Steve is nodding - he never leaves Bucky by himself in medical - and crosses his arms. Neither of them have changed out of their uniforms yet, and in this sterile observation room, Bucky can finally smell the layers of grime and sweat clinging to them. His nose wrinkles when he gets a little whiff of himself, feeling bad for the nurse who bandaged his ribs.

“Oh I almost forgot -” Bruce turns around and reaches for something on his lab bench. A little blue bottle, full of round white pills. “Here. I developed these for the two of you - since you metabolize normal painkillers so quickly, I figured we might need something that would work in the event you sustain heavy injuries which…well, seemed likely. Take 2 every 4 hours, okay?”

His metal fingers grip the little bottle, rattling the tablets inside.

“Sure thing, doc.”

**********

She lifts the hem of her shirt, wiping at the sweat on her forehead, and leans against the wall of the gym. Her breath comes in short pants as her chest heaves, trying to cool down from her last bout with Agent Romanoff.

“Heads up.”

Her hands barely make it up in time to catch the flying water bottle headed for her face.

“Good catch,” Romanoff smirks a little. She’s sweating, too, but in a way that’s decidedly more sexy, little red curls hanging by her face. She looks fresh from a Pilates class, not a suicide workout - the rookie can feel the heat of her own face, the sweat drenching her clothes, and knows she’s not nearly as glowing as her trainer.

“You did really good today,” Romanoff continues. She keeps saying to call her “Natasha” but that is so hard to do with a woman so intimidating her alias is one of the world’s deadliest animals. “Really good. You’ve shown tons of improvement since we started. I’m going to recommend we start letting you shadow on missions in a couple more weeks.”

“Wow, really?” Her face lit up in spite of her exhaustion.

“Sure.” Natasha smiles. “I know it’s gotten a little boring, having you go through all of this.”

“Boring” was an understatement. Despite having a few years of experience under her belt - well, according to Tony Stark, vigilantism barely counts as “experience” - the rookie was assigned to a training program for her first couple of months on the team.

“Too much of a risk to put you in the field right away,” Stark had rattled off, handing her forms to sign and an official t-shirt (‘Look Mom! I’m an Avenger!’) and a tablet with a map of the compound. “Legal says we can avoid liability issues with a training program before we gradually phase you in, and I’m inclined to agree, so! Welcome to the team, but not officially!”

Her days consisted of early morning workouts, followed by combat and tactical training with Black Widow herself, and then...well, not much. There was research, of course, and she stayed on top of the intelligence briefings with the rest of the team. She went to meetings and official dinners and unofficial karaoke nights, but the rest of her time was mostly her own. Frankly, she was chomping at the bit to get back out there, in the action. Helping people.

“Well, hopefully it’ll pay off,” she sighs, giving Agent Romanoff an exhausted smile. “I wouldn’t want to be the weak link on the team.”

“You won’t be, believe me,” Natasha shakes her head. With a glance at her watch, she picks up her own water bottle and heads for the door. “Now I’ve gotta run, Skype meeting with Fury in 5. I’ll see you later, Rookie!”

**********

Bucky Barnes was feeling good.

Like, damn good.

Like, ‘Banner should label his controlled substances’ good.

Thing is, post-HYDRA and post-fugitive and post-cognitive reconstruction therapy, Bucky was more mentally okay than he had been in decades. He had the occasional rough day, and he definitely wasn’t perfect by any means, but with the shrinks that Stark had on retainer, he was getting better at dealing with it all. His physical health, however, was more of a moving target. In spite of receiving a bastardized supersoldier serum, he had been pumped full of so much other shit and gone through so much physical stress that his body had fundamentally shifted equilibrium. Multiple appointments with Dr. Cho and Shuri revealed that his chronic pain may never fully heal - if it did, it would be a very gradual process. Normal painkillers in reasonable doses did nothing for him, so Bucky settled in to his discomfort, carrying it the way he carried his knives and his scars - always.

24 hours into his medical leave, a few doses of pills down, and he couldn’t feel a single ounce of pain in his body - he shifted his awareness to each part of himself, like that guided meditation thing Wanda did sometimes, and he couldn’t find the pain, not even lurking behind the muscle and metal. He might be a little miffed at being off the active duty roster, but if his whole vacation is going to feel like this? Well, he doesn’t mind to let Steve handle the next threat to world peace.

With his schedule suddenly wide open, Bucky wonders what he’ll do with his day. He can’t remember the last time he truly had nothing to do - it’s an exciting prospect. So he lets himself ease through his morning, sleeping in, long hot shower, slipping on those plush Black Widow pajama pants Nat gave him as a gag gift. He knows everyone else will have had their breakfast and moved on to morning briefings and training drills by now, and he wanders down to the kitchen in the hopes that they’ve left him some coffee.

He sees her there, perched on a stool at the island and frowning at the tablet in her hand. There’s a little scrunch to her nose when she does that, he notices.

“Good morning,” he says softly, trying and failing not to startle her.

“Oh, hey Bucky,” she smiles, watches him round the island to the coffee pot on the counter. “I didn’t see you there.”

“S’okay. I’m quiet.”

“You didn’t get tapped for the recovery mission? They’re going after your suspect from Berlin again, I think.”

“Oh, I’m off missions for two weeks.” He turns, giant ‘Don’t forget to be awesome’ mug gripped in his metal hand. “Banner’s orders. You didn’t hear about my smashed ribs?”

“Oh no, I guess not - are you okay?” Suddenly she’s concerned, and a little sheepish. “Sorry, I’m still a little out of the loop I guess.”

He feels guilty for that - she’s eager, bright, kind, a brilliant recruit. But it can take a while before you’re ‘in’ with the team. Not because they exclude her, but, well - a group made up of outsiders has a hard time adding new faces to the mix.

“Don’t apologize. Not your fault.” Bucky digs around in a jar on the counter for a few sugar packets, dumping them into his mug. “Anyways, I’m off the roster for now. Gotta figure out something to do with myself, I guess.”

Her smile is slow, ducked under pretty lashes - he really needs to stop noticing these things.

“Would you - I mean, you can hang out with me if you want?” She chews on her lip. “I’m done for today - my training with Natasha ended early and they didn’t need me in on the briefing so…”

The rookie was lonely - he could see that, anyone could. The fact is, between their own training and missions, it had been a little hard for the team to spend very much time with her. Bucky himself was often a bit of a loner in his free time, preferring to hole up in his room with books and movies rather than go out for drinks or another karaoke night. And yet, he found himself feeling eager at the thought of spending a relaxing day with the new recruit, getting to know her a little, hearing that funny little laugh through her nose.

“Sounds great, Rookie - what did ya have in mind?”

**********

“Okay, I just wanna go on the record and say I called it. I called it!” She’s grinning. “I knew you would love this.”

“Well, hey, in my defense, I’ve never hated beautiful women.”

She just rolls her eyes, kicks her feet out to rest on the coffee table in front of them. There’s a pile of DVD’s, all hers, laying across the surface, picked through and ranked in order of what was most important for Bucky to see. His film education was obviously lacking, considering he missed out on 70 years of movies, and didn’t even know what he liked anymore, so he was content to let her pick. After raiding the kitchen for an array of snacks, they settled in, opposite ends of the same couch with a bowl of popcorn and dark chocolate M&M’s between them.

Approximately 20 minutes into the movie, Steve appears, just passing through for an apple from the fridge. He stops in his tracks behind the couch, the crunch of the fruit in his mouth just above their heads.

“What is this?” he says around his mouthful. If his Ma could see him now, Bucky thinks.

“It’s called ‘How to Marry a Millionaire’ - came out in 1953,” she answers, smiling over her shoulder at him. “It’s one of my favorites honestly.”

“That’s - that’s Lauren Bacall!” Steve perks up, smacking Bucky’s shoulder.

“Yeah, punk,” Bucky rolls his eyes. “Betty Grable’s in it, too.”

“No shit!” Steve is grinning now, and he gives the rookie a conspiratorial look. “Y’know, Bucky used to have her pin-up poster. The one in the white bathing suit? Had it in his suitcase when he shipped out.”

“Oh, really?” She’s looking at him now, eyes sparkling at the rosy blush climbing up Bucky’s cheeks. “Betty Grable, huh?”

He clears his throat. “Well, everybody had that picture, I mean...it’s famous for a reason. All the boys had ‘em.”

“No, no, I get that,” she shrugs. “I just had you pegged as more the Rita Hayworth type, that’s all.”

It takes him back for a second, Steve too, that she knows these starlets, that they could’ve been having this same conversation 75 years ago. He can see that look in Steve’s eyes, sly and knowing as they slide towards him. Bucky works his mouth, tries to control his smile.

“Well, nothing wrong with her either,” he drawls, spreading his arms along the back of the couch. “But did you see Grable’s legs?”

“I just thought you might’ve had a thing for redheads!” she laughs.

“They’re alright, I guess - now Dugan on the other hand…”

Neither of them notices Steve leave the room, tossing the apple in his hand and a huge dopey grin on his face.

**********

“Tell me again what the recipe says?”

“One cup of pumpkin puree.”

“Oh - shit, I thought you said one can.”

She smacks her forehead. “No wonder the batter is so goopy!” She rolls her eyes playfully. “You’re trying to ruin my bread, Barnes.”

“I swear I’m not, doll - it was an accident.”

“Okay, new plan - we just make a double batch since the can has two cups in it.”

She shuffles around behind him, grabbing her flour and sugar and sour cream and other ingredients, hands flurrying to measure and fix the dough. It’s mid-afternoon now, a couple of movies down, and they (she) decided they needed to get in the fall spirit by baking a ridiculous amount of...breads. The banana bread is already in the oven, the pumpkin will be on its way as soon as she fixes his mistake, and a blueberry bread (made from muffin mix) is next on the list.

“But...what’s so special about making it into breads?” He had asked, causing her to look at him like an idiot.

“Ask me that again after you try them, Bucky.”

So he shut up and cracked eggs and sifted flour, stirring when her arm got tired. He was already regretting his words now that the smell of the banana bread was drifting towards him from the ovens, and he had to admit the pumpkin and cinnamon from her bowl was making his stomach growl. With all the bowls and measuring cups laying around, they were making enough sweet breads to feed an army, but hey - the Avengers are practically a small army of their own. And besides, Bucky intends on taking an entire loaf - baker’s privilege.

He decides that he likes watching her work, bouncing around the kitchen, some oldies playlist on the speakers, her tongue poking out between her lips. She’s got her sweater sleeves pushed up over her elbows - he had to help with that, after she got dough on them. This song is good, too, and he wants to ask her who wrote it-

“Are you gonna stand there staring at me, or are you gonna help?” she quips over her shoulder. He has no idea when he last smiled so much.

“You’re the boss, Rookie.”

**********

She’s got her feet in his lap now, and they haven’t said a word in an hour, and Bucky doesn’t even remember taking his last dose or two of his pain pills but he doesn’t feel a goddamn thing.

There’s a huge book in her lap, Stephen King - a favorite, he’s learned.

“I read at least one of his books every year in October,” she tells him. “You know, to get ready for spooky season.”

“Spooky season? What the hell is that?”

“You know, Halloween time!” she smacks his arm. “It’s Halloween first, Buck, you gotta get in the spirit.”

“I’m -” he sputters, face drawn in the most adorably confused look. “Halloween first?”

She hands him a book of his own and now here they are - he’s 20 pages into The Shining, but he’s stopped paying attention because she’s yawning behind her book and her eyes are fluttering shut, and it shouldn’t be as distracting as it is.

He forces his eyes down to his own page, to Jack Torrance and haunted hotels, but they’re drawn back up when her book finally drops the rest of the way to her lap. Her head slumps sideways onto the back of the couch, mouth open just a little. He draws the blanket down around her feet and tucks it in a little tighter, but other than that, doesn’t move a muscle. He’s just fine right here, thank you.

He’s sinking in again, driving up the twisting mountain road to the Overlook, when his phone buzzes in his pocket. Carefully - in the way highly trained superspies can be careful - he lifts his hips up and pulls his phone from his pocket, managing not to dislodge her feet or wake her up. She merely sighs in her sleep, nuzzling her face into the couch pillow. A text notification from team group message lights up the screen.

It’s Natasha. A photo, a photo which she somehow managed to take without him knowing, of him and the rookie, practically snuggling on the couch and reading together. Her legs are propped over his lap, and Bucky’s eyes are staring straight at her over the top of his book. Nat has captioned the photo: “looks like Barnes found a good nurse.”

He snorts a little. Natalia. Glances up at her, still sleeping, and tilts his phone upwards a few degrees and snaps a picture to send back.

“She sleeps on the job” he types, thumbs still slow on the phone keyboard. Instantly, his phone starts buzzing with more texts from the team, but he mutes it and lays his phone on the coffee table. He doesn’t feel like talking now. Well, talking to them.

“Hey...Rookie,” he whispers, reaching out and shaking her shoulder a little. She hums in her sleep, but makes no other move.

“Rookie, I gotta ask you something.” He wiggles her leg a little, shaking her feet in his lap, and whispers her name. He’s rewarded with her eyes fluttering open, her mouth drawn down in a pout at being woken up.

“Whatisit,” she sighs, still slumped into the cushions. He clears his throat. Here goes nothing.

“So, there’s a charity gala for the Stark Foundation coming up next weekend,” he starts bravely. “And - and the whole team is going anyway, so I know you’re gonna be there, but - well, maybe you would consider going...with me?” Courage runs out, and his brain backpedals. “I mean, just as a friend?”

She huffs. “I can’t believe you woke me up for that.”

“Oh.” He looks down, hair falling in his eyes. “So...you don’t want to go with me?”

“Of course I’ll go with you, Barnes,” she sighs. “Now shush. I was napping”

His face hurts from the stretch in his cheeks when he smiles. He’s gonna give Bruce those pain meds back.

#nachobuckychallenge #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader fic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes imagine #marvel #marvel fic

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anna-something · 4 years

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I was wondering, if you don't mind! If you could talk a little bit about the Dreamcatcher members and what stands out to you about their personal? styles? From what I gather, it sounds like you have a background? in dance, and I'd love to hear your thoughts!

I’m presuming you mean their personal dance styles ?? if so, I’d love to!

I’ll start off with our main dancer, queen Sua. If I had to pin point one thing about Sua that I love, it’s that she’s unafraid. You can tell when a dancer is scared to hit something *too* much - I can think of many performer’s whom I believe would be 10 times better if they stopped being scared of looking a bit wild/unrestrained. Sua has no problem with this (both on stage and off stage shdgdhsgd). Another tiny aspect I always admire, is her head, shoulder and neck isolation. It’s a pet peeve of mine when someone doesn’t pull down their shoulder blades to properly extend out their posture and neck when they dance. If you rotate your shoulder’s down and away from your ears all your extension lines look sharper and cleaner. Sua being really good at this is important to me as she’s not from a purely ballet/lyrical dance background and instead actually is a commercial and street (our girl did a B-boy comp back in the day) dancer. The training styles are massively different and you can almost always tell by the way someone holds their back but Sua is able to maintain a shoulder positioning that suits both fluid and strong styles, which is hard to do. Her footwork is also ALWAYS amazing. She’s got very quick feet, and something that I think is so utterly *her* is how she adds an extra bounce in each step. She is a wonderfully energetic dancer. I honestly could pin point so many tiny bits of Sua’s dance ability and this could go on forever and ever so I’m gonna leave it here with just one more compliment: her central core control is so good, almost completely isolated from the rest of the body, that all other body parts’ movements are hit with an extra degree of sharpness. (I’d also like to add that Sua’s leg flexibility has been improving over the years of promoting with Dreamcatcher and I’m super hyped to see it)

Now I’ll go down through age order so next up is Jiu. The word I think of first when discussing Jiu’s dance style is ‘refined’. It’s clear she’s trained really really hard and it has payed off phenomenally well. In my opinion, Jiu is one of the cleanest dancers in dreamcatcher - there’s no awkward moments in transition but also, she holds ensemble choreography together really well. There are no awkward body lines when Jiu dances, even in both their strong choreos and their more fluid ones. Jiu is a show dancer, where every move is hit to maximise the aesthetic of the line, of the position. I can’t understate how much of an impressive skill that is and how much it ties in with people describing her as ‘charismatic’. Pulling focus is her thing. Pause on every frame of Jiu dancing and she will look good, no matter what. She’s a dancer you can always trust to look right.

Siyeon’s best known for her voice (as she should be) but it was weirdly her performance and dance ability that first made me take notice of her upon watching their debut stage (best decision I ever made to check out the new rock girl group lmfao). It’s been pretty much proven that Siyeon’s one of the physically strongest in Dreamcatcher and her dancing *looks* it. It’s almost negligible with dreamcatcher to talk too much about how sharp they are as dancer’s since.. well.. duh.. look at them.. but Siyeon’s got this ability to only a hit a move right at the last second - right at the perfect moment - as hard as she possibly can, when she dances. It’s just intensity from beginning to the end and a lot of that is to do with her physicality (that she doesn’t do any extra working out apart from training as dreamcatcher is truly the cherry on top dghdgbsd). I’ve often seen people reblog my posts of her dancing saying she looks possessed and like,,, they’re not far off. She dances like she *wants* to intimidate you. Side note but Siyeon does seem to have very impressive leg flexibility on her right leg. Combine that with her strength and it makes me think she might have done some kind of martial arts as a kid.

Handong!! Our musical theatre trained ball of talent! She’s actually the person I deem as having had the most ‘traditional’ dance training, as seen by her grand jeté (or split leap) and she’s got the best spotting (following a single point during turns). Click this link and go to 01:19:38 to see what I mean. Handong is the perfect example of how you can *tell* when someone’s had ballet/lyrical training because her back is always more straight than the others. She has by far the best technical extension and with more confidence, I think she’d be able to relax into her movement’s to just get the extra reach I know she has. Her technical (ballet) hands are also gorgeous, I’m always transfixed when she get’s to utilise them. But saying all that, I think Handong is actually at her best when she’s confident enough to showboat dance. So much of dance is believing you’re the best thing on that stage and when Handong is in that mode, you just simply can’t look away from her. Can you get that I want her to be more confident in how good of a dancer she is??? Am I making that clear enough ?? Handong,,,, if you’re out there,,,, you’re so good,, please know that.

Yoohyeon’s the tallest member of dreamcatcher by quite a bit and being tall and being a dancer isn’t easy (I’m 5ft10, I know this first-hand) and I remember Yoohyeon introducing herself as an awkward tree (lmfao) but she actually is really good at using her body proportions. Being long-limbed means you gotta move quicker to extend properly and she manages it every time. I classify Yoohyeon as a ‘face’ dancer - her body moves it’s best when she’s expressing something, often times using her face. You can really tell that the energy she get’s from other’s is important to her when performing too. A small thing I always notice and adore about Yoohyeon’s dance is her knee is always well aligned with her thighs - a really *really* important part of turn out. It’s visually more appealing and showcases strength but it’s also really good for her health and she’s less likely to injure herself so uh… yey? dhgbsdg.

Now onto lead dancer Dami! A lot of people don’t click that Dami legit has that title in the group because she (quite rightly) is known for her gravitas on stage when she’s rapping and performing. A huge part of that gravitas? She’s a very VERY clean and sharp dancer. Also let it be known she had a natural talent at spin pole and if anyone knows me they know I’m a pole dancer and pole enthusiast. Skills required for spin pole: incredible core control, good balance and strong arms and legs. Dami’s ticking all the boxes. Being that she has the more masculine aesthetic image in the group, I’m always utterly thrilled to see how she incorporates *who* she is in the way she dances. You can feel completely and utterly how her identity ties in on stage. She called herself the dancing prince for a reason ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Dami’s style is effortless honestly. Like she’s clearly working hard but she doesn’t ever come across she is (which is how all dancer’s want to appear). Do I even need to mention her skill with props too? The dancer’s nightmare is involving props and fucking up but our girl’s cool as a cucumber.

Finally, we’re at Gahyeon. First things first, I gotta say, she’s a pilates baby and so in turn, she’s extra strong and extra bendy. If you’re unfamiliar with reformer machines (the first contraption) they work by using resistance spring’s on a moving platform. They’re pretty tough. Another link for bendy Gahyeon here and go to 01:18:00. I’m remembering the time she lifted Siyeon on her back from a crouch position in a pair of heeled boots. She’s small but she’s !! mighty!! Her dancing is the most improved in all of dreamcatcher from debut to now (she debuted at what? 17?) She debuted doing all the steps right and synchronised but now she has her own performance style and atmosphere. Gahyeon has said before she’d always wanted to try a ‘sexy’ image in a recent interview so I gotta plug her adult ceremony performance. To do sexy so easily on stage is really tough and I feel like this was a real turning point for her as a stage performer because she’s been so much more confident. I am so ready to see who she’ll grow into even more. Something individual I really wanna point out is her hip flexor rotation ! Of all the girl’s, she and handong had the best fan kick and it also shows in her dancing.

This got real long but I hope you appreciated my thoughts anon !

#dreamcatcher #anon #Anna speaks #replies #dance

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