#I’m wishing I didn’t come in today
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Work stress is real today, y’all 🙃🫣
#my thoughts#when the brand new system is supposed to go live at 8:30#and isn’t working until 9:17#and we’ve had barely any training on the new system#and it’s the end of the month which is our busiest time#I’m wishing I didn’t come in today#but it’ll be fine#it’ll be fine#*praying* Lord get me through today
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if tbhk got a reboot, can tpn? please???
#not tagging I’m just in denial#still#I was going through my old posts around the time things got released#I was so excited…#I remember being in class when the promo released…and I saw animated mujika…#I’m sure people around me thought I was insane bc I was just…shaking with excitement#poor young innocent me#how my dreams would get crushed#I’ve just been slightly nostalgic and sad that a lot of tpn goers have moved on#I wish I could but this manga just brings so much that you don’t see a lot or at all in other media#maybe arcane s2 will invoke something in me bc s1 was really good but I didn’t get attached#she ra was also a contender but…that’s not getting anymore content so best not to get into it#I always get hyperfixated on media that barely has a fandom LMAO#my last one was mystic messenger which yes was popular but not big#hgggnhhh I should not worry about this and provide the few tpn lovers with content#I’ve been taking a drawing course and my love for it is slowly starting to come back#my professor is such a sweetheart and funny as hell and she complimented me today#the validation I need !!!#ok anyways that’s all my rambles#I hope posuka delivers tpn content soon…maybe shirai will come out of the hole he has disappeared into
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#idk like I know my parents will like never let me be homeless or starve or whatever#but it does just make me feel 🙃 that they were just on a three week vacation in Europe#and when I call freaking out about Rosa and whatnot that my dad just asks me if I got the gas money he randomly sent me last week#and like he didn’t have to send me gas money but also#my parents saying they wish they could do more but not when I know they’re capable#it really hurts#my mom is also retired rn and I cried on the phone last night saying how much I wish she was here#and I just kinda realized today there’s not really anything stopping her from coming#meanwhile my sibling who’s just slightly less broke than me sent me some money#idk maybe I’m being stupid#but I truly really am grateful for all of you and I don’t know what I would do without everyone’s support on here
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God nothing hits like early bleach, the substitute shinigami arc and rukia’s execution arc are just. Ugh. Something about the crunchy-ass early 2000s-ness of it that the rest of the series lost (not just animation wise but aesthetic wise), when there was still hope that all the potential would be capitalized on, idk, it was just fun and getting to fall in love with all the characters because pretty much every single one introduced was great and engaging. I just really really wish the series had kept that early vibe that it started losing once the visoreds were introduced, they got the last little tail end of it. As soon as we got to the heuco mundo arc this all vanished and it’s so upsetting, the series just lost a lot of its personality, if that makes sense, I wish it had kept it so badly
#like they’re all the same characters but they all started taking themselves way too seriously after that point#and I do get that that’s when the Big Plot actually started picking up (which is a whole other thing I have thoughts on)#but like… idk the series just lost a lot of its early charm and appeal#which is funny considering the hueco mundo arc is actually my favorite one#but idk I’m watching the first arc for fun today#and I forgot how much of ASSHOLES rukia and ichigo were and how fun their dynamic was#and yeah I fucking miss it it’s just not the same the rest of the series#not to mention tatsuki actually got a lot of focus#even Chad and Orihime and uryu felt a lot more genuine than they did the rest of the series#(though that’s because it was before they were reduce to being Ichigo’s love interest and then cannon fodder to shittily power scale enemies#by getting the shit beat out of them because kubo didn’t know how else to do it)#idk like I said! I just wish the series had stuck a lot better to its earlier aesthetic#like it still could have worked with the more ‘serious’ plot lines v easily considering how well it meshed with rukia’s execution#I JUST MISS RUKIA YELLING AT FLIP PHONES AND ICHIGO BEING BAD AT SNEAKING OUT WINDOWS AND TATSUKI RAGGING ON THEM#AND THEIR NORMAL ASS CLASSMATES TALKING ABOUT HOW FUCKING WEIRD THEY ALL WERE LIKE IT WAS SO GOOD 😩😩😩#imagine that energy being applied to the hueco mundo arc it would have been great#it even would have been fun to see it come back during the fullbringer arc as a bunch of fun callbacks to the early bleach that was#being alluded to that entire arc with parallels#anyways once again weeping the potential this series had#someone watch it so we can talk about it and set up our own insanely convoluted canon for funsies on discord or something lmfao#kaz rambles
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hahaha
#so for some reason our recycle truck comes at like 5pm now#so when i got home from school today i didn’t bring the recycle bin in bc they hadn’t taken it#and my mom said to me at ten pm. when it’s pitch black out. after i’d already showered. to go out and get it.#and i drug my feet with it bc i don’t wanna fucking do that it’s dark out and i don’t wanna go outside after i just showered#so i finally go down there to do it#and she already did it and said that im grounded tomorrow#jesus fucking christ i can’t win#she always does shit like this to make me feel like shit and to take away my shit#bc she can’t stand that i have access to stuff that can make me hate her#now im sitting here fucking crying and wishing i was dead#all bc the recycle truck comes late now.#god im gonna fucking kill myself#happy first fucking day of senior year to me!!!!!!!!!!!#gonna go do beans#which i haven’t done in months#thanks mom can’t wait til i’m gone and never have to see you again#k.txt#vent tw#sh tw
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🙃
#also I finally told my mom that I’m smoking whenever I go out to my car#cause I was getting sick of her asking ‘oh where are you going’#dude I’ve left the house a few times today what do you think I’m doing?#but she’s super religious and literally NOTHING I say while ever change her mind about weed#so she goes#‘well is there anything that will make you happy besides DRUGS?’#and I’m like oooooooofda#I’m not in the mood for this conversation#so I went#‘well I don’t think it’s a drug tbh but that’s a different conversation.’#‘but if I didn’t I would literally be in my bed the entire day sooooooo’#and then I left#I love my parents so so so much#but damn I wish they understood where I was coming from#or at least tried#I know my parents would both benefit from cbd or just any pain relief cause they’re both in so much pain#but noOooOoOoOoOoOoO#weed is a gateway drug#and they think (even though I’ve been smoking for how many fucking years now) that I#*im going to start meth and crack and all of those drugs soon#obviously#ughhhhhHHHHHHHHh#all I want to do is smoke and paint#but I can’t#and it’s driving me fucking crazy#shut up rosie
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i never thought i’d be this tired of doing nothing
#txt#nothing#apathy#mentally tired#mentally ill#if i hear the words /you’re going to be okay/ one more time i might just curl up into a ball and never come back out#i have never been this exhausted in my entire life#i am so so tired of living my life today#i want to scream at the top of my lungs. why can’t i be okay without someone telling me i’m okay#i just want it to stop#i want to believe people when they see good things in me#i want to stop being so goddamn codependent#i wish i didn’t miss you as much as i do#i wish i didn’t miss people i’ve never met#i’m so fucking tired.
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Second Covid booster fatigue on top of my usual levels of fatigue hitting hard. 😮💨 i thought I didn’t have spoons before but I did practically nothing today oops.
#but that being said I just have a pretty sore arm and I’m really tired. no bad reaction or anything#i don’t think it would be as bad if i didn’t have fatigue at a baseline level#but I slept a lot and I’m hoping I have more energy tomorrow.#just made me realize that I don’t see myself having spoons for my creative things for …. a while. which is frustrating.#but I suppose health and things come first#i don’t even really know what my point was here or if I had one. it’s 2 am and I’ve been in rare form today#i am just very tired and wish I had spoons but I am vaxxed so there is that#laur speaks!
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my baby sister is having a happy fits dance party in the yard i love her so much. i wish i could join her but i am stuck on this couch
#the regular arthur level of immobility is like. really high. so when im sick it just multiplies really bad#now when i stand up i don’t just get dizzy i also have a headache#and im just extra tired compared to always being tired already#so not leaving this couch any time soon. i have to feed the cats though#like it’s okay to feed them both meals at the same time i wasn’t able to get up to give them breakfast so i’m giving them a really big lunch#and then they’ll just skip dinner. and that’s something that my friends mom said was okay. but i should still feed them soon it’s supposed-#to be a big lunch in between not just dinner but bigger#so i have to do that eventually. but i wish i didn’t have to walk there it would be so much easier if i didn’t have to walk there#anyway she’s literally listening to dance alone so i feel really bad leaving her to dance alone tonight#i just physically can’t get myself out there right now i can’t#day 700-something of feeling like the dad stand in from the papaoutai music video#on the bright side im not going to work today. i told my boss im not feeling well and i have a fever so i can’t come into work#but i did it in a long paragraph and apologized but all he said was ‘‘Ok’’#which. of all the people to read into how they text me my 50 something boss is a stupid one to care about#just kind of feel like im letting the restaurant down a little. it’s a small business there’s not a lot of room for people calling in sick#but i also dont want to get anyone sick and also i will reiterate that i am still not able to get up off this stupid couch#so odds are if i went to work i would drop pizzas and mess everything up anyway. i just still feel bad#wait also on the bright side i officially don’t have covid that’s also a bright side. like a brighter side than staying home from work#im still super scared of how i would take it if i got covid because little bugs like this take me down pretty bad. but i don’t so it’s fine#anyway im sorry for just talking about being sick it’s just kind of the only thing on my mind right now. hey message to all of my friends#because i know i get really nervous about this stuff. im perfectly okay and i get sick like this a lot and i’ve been sleeping it off and im-#nearly better at this point and it’s just a low grade fever. and im complaining about it because it’s annoying but i’ll be okay i promise#and i’m staying home from work and it’s just some little bug and i’m like this no matter what got me sick. so you don’t have to worry#i dont know if im making anybody nervous i just want to try my hardest to show that im okay just in case. i can tag anybody away from it too#i just am rambling the same way im always rambling about things but i really am okay. i love you guys#me. my post. mine.#delete later#illness tw
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#it’s coming up on 3 years ago to the hour that i hd the worst day of my life when i had to rush my dog to the emergency vet at 2am and then#of course tragic and he died so that’s great and look it’s 3 years later and i’m not over it and tbh i don’t think i ever will be so todays#always a fun day.#people lie when they say that enough time goes by and you just move on or learn to live with pain or whatever and it’s like yeah#you do learn to live with it but it doesn’t get easier you just get used to the pain like. it just becomes part of you and someone you can’t#seperate yourself from anymore like you’re just one in the same with your misery and tragedy and blah blah fucking blah i wish i had died#that night instead#he was the first person animal anything i ever lost and then of course 11 months later my other dog died bc she was 17 and old but i was#miserable all over again obviously. so in 19 months both my dogs died then my grandpa died a v close family friend died my great aunt died#then i found out my ex died then my bird died and it’s just like. how do u go from never losing anyone to losing so much all at once#i know i just sound like a fucking baby but it really just like ended me. all of it and i just can’t like go back to how i was before any of#it. especially my dog the one who died tonight i just can’t because it was so sudden and so just 0 to 60 and i was alone and it was night#time and dark and i didn’t even have a car so my mom had to come pick us up and it wss just my worst fucking nightmare and i know it’s my#fucking fault and there’s nothing i could do then and nothing i can do now obviously and i just want to fucking kill myself#and 3 days ago i dreamt of him and every time i dream about him i’m always like ih my god! you’re alive!! and i think it was all just a bad#dream that he died then i wake up and i remember and it’s like yeah ok. i can’t keep being alive anymore
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okay wow so today was a whirlwind of emotions 😭😵💫🥹
#my brain is mush and others have said it better than me cause I’m usually not that good at expressing myself so I’ll rb some posts after#but I just wanted to let out some thoughts right now cause it’s been a crazy day#first of all I only got through half the festa vid so far cause I started watching before dinner but I got through a lot of their talking#about the hiatus and I think the main reason why I was so emotional and why I was crying so hard listening was more so about the fact that#they feel BAD about this more so than the actual hiatus itself#cause even though it’s going to be different and a lot more solo content (which I’m genuinely so excited for) it’s not like they’re going#to be completely gone like they even said they’re still doing run so that’s something I’m really happy about too#obviously I’m going to miss all the ot7 content but it’s not like this is permanent obviously one day they will call it quits for good but#that day isn’t today and I’ll obviously deal with that when it comes. but besides that the main reason why I’m so sad is that they felt#like they didn’t have a right to feel burnt out or to feel disconnected or to feel upset. they felt like they had to push these feelings#away and put aside going on this hiatus for years cause they didn’t want to disappoint us and that just broke my heart ..#like namjoons face and seeing all that pain he’s been carrying for years absolutely broke me#like I really wish they would be so much more selfish than they are sometimes because they DO deserve this break and they have for YEARS#that’s the point that really made me upset .. and joon even said that he felt the members resented him at times and even though they assured#him they didn’t he said ‘I know but that’s how I felt’ and it just kills me that they’ll always think we’re going to be upset about stuff#like this even though a vast majority of us .. the true fans .. want them to have this resting period#and be able to be on their own and figure themselves out .. everyone needs that and I have SO much respect to them for speaking on this#and making that video#so yea idk I’m feeling a bit sad but more so just … relieved?? that they’re finally taking this much needed time for themselves#and I’m honestly so excited to see what they do for their solo work 💜 I love them so much as artist and people#and seeing them always being honest and raw and vulnerable no matter how difficult … so much love and respect for them 💗#mine#idk I have so much more to say too but I never know how to express it well online .. I just love bangtan always 💜
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my therapist giving me permission to straight up say “i don’t want to be here today” has completely changed the game for me.
#ADHD#mental health#therapy#i’ve gotten less than four hours of sleep#im on ADHD meds so my heart is fuckin BUMPIN from lack of sleep#i’m about to slam a big ole cup of coffee which’ll only make it worse#i’m irritated and grumpy and didn’t get shit done this week#and i’ve got therapy in 30 minutes and i’m gonna look this woman dead in the eye and go#i did not wish to come to this meeting today#and that statement alone will generate an hour of shit to talk about#fuckin incredible
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Okay
#I have to go to the doctor!!! the injury on my foot won’t heal#but my family has his own problems so it’s coming out of my ever-dwindling savings accnt#I need help!#I really do. ugh I just wish wish wish I still lived where I used to live.#at least then I could go see my friends or the places I love.#I just wish it didn’t play out the way it did I wish I would’ve gotten an apartment set up when I knew I should have when I was going to in#June. but no I’m not allowed to have agency.#ever in my life I guess.#why are you not ecstatic w your imprisonment under capitalism?!??#I should’ve been serious. god damn it. oh well it’s in the past just like everything else.#at least it’s my easy Monday or at least it’s supposed to be thank goodness my annoying class isn’t meeting today jfc.
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#I guess it’s too hard to send me a message or even slightly acknowledge my presence today#yet another holiday in which you basically just ignore me the whole day#I know you’re busy and I’m not saying you have to drop everything to talk to me all day long#but you couldn’t send a quick message when you got up this morning just to say happy holidays or something?#you’ve had absolutely no time to say anything to me the entire day?#you’re still busy so late into the evening when you even told me you didn’t have that many plans for the day?#it’s just frustrating because it feels like things are going good between us and you’re making more of an effort#so I start letting myself get closer to you again and act like myself more often#just to have this same shit happen once again and make me feel like I don’t matter to you at all#when the time comes to cut you off this will be a driving factor#and yet I bet you’ll still act all surprised and hurt like you’re the one getting fucked over even though you’ve always treated me this way#I’ve had a pretty great day except for this shit going on and bothering me#of course I’m still too tied to you so this is still affecting me way more than it should#I wish I didn’t have so much trouble regulating my emotions in these aspects#personal
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obligatory post 8pm self deprecating tag rant
#miles thots#i bet if i just disappeared- like moved away and changed my number and deleted my social media- my best friend wouldn’t even notice#i miss her so much but i’m so tired of always reaching out first#since i stopped texting her first we don’t hang out anymore unless i’m hanging out with her sister and she is also there#i saw her last week and she told me she’d text me today but she didn’t#and i know it’s bc romantic relationships always come first but i wish they were at the same level for everyone#bc i value my friendships SO much and that wouldn’t change if i got a partner but it definitely has for her#it also kind of hurts that she invited someone else to her house for thanksgiving with her family when i’m her best friend and i’ve known#her several years longer#i just feel like i’m always a second choice even to her#and i miss being the first choice. but the only person who i was their first choice was Her#and i know that was a very bad relationship but i miss how She made me feel like i was everything
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I feel so stupid and lost, I ruin everything.
#I don’t know what to do at all#I have no idea#I wish I could just learn to let things go#I wish I didn’t have a heart that keeps breaking#I have been aching all day#I’ve felt sick all day#it’s been a struggle to breathe all day#today was absolutely miserable#and I doubt tomorrow will be any better#I don’t think I’m gonna get over this#someone come stab me in the throat#that’ll fix me#lol#…#personal#my post
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