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bucky-fricking-barnes · 2 years

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I’m Listening (Between The Lines)

Title: I’m Listening (Between The Lines)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Selectively Mute!Reader

Word Count: 6k

Warnings: Very mild language, mentions of being triggered, symptoms of PTSD and panic attacks

Summary: Y/N is in charge of reviewing the Avengers’ mission reports, and when Steve brings her coffee to apologize for all the paperwork, something more comes of it.

A/N: I hope you all enjoy this fic! Please note that it is a work of fiction and people who are selectively mute may or may not communicate in the ways depicted in this story. Thank you for supporting my work by reading, liking, reblogging, and commenting! I couldn’t do this without you. Dividers are by @firefly-graphics

You’re hard at work on a stack of paperwork from the Avengers’ last mission when Elijah comes by your office with his delivery cart. He gives you an apologetic smile as he slides the second large pile into the only open space on your desk, his face twisting in sympathy.

“Sorry,” he says when your shoulders slump forward. “It was apparently a big one.” You nod and then he’s off again, heading back towards his cart and then to your floor’s mail room for whatever he’s supposed to deliver next.

The extra workload isn’t unexpected; you’ve known it was coming since your supervisor had mentioned off-hand that the team was going out again—something about a terrorist cell in Europe. It hasn’t been on the news, but you have a feeling that the whole thing is being kept on the down-low until all damages and casualties have been accounted for. Fury likes to know everything going into press conferences. In short, you have a long week ahead of you, with probably more late nights than not.

Elijah passes by the doorway a few minutes later with a full cart of parcels and papers, but you pay him no heed as you bury yourself back into your work. The blue light from the computer has most certainly contributed to your headache, and as you read through the mission reports from the mission in Latin America, you rub your temples with your free hand.

“I know that I’m probably the main cause of that headache,” you practically leap out of your seat when Captain Rogers appears in your office doorway, “so I figured I’d bring you a peace offering. Tony said it was your favorite.”

Captain Rogers holds up a brown paper takeout bag and sets it on the small table just inside the door. You give him a tight smile and a nod in thanks. He doesn’t leave, however, and you try not to look too uncomfortable with the situation as he leans against the doorframe. He’s still in his uniform. You’d dimmed the ceiling lights in favor of the lamp on your desk, but you can still see the thin coating of dirt, soot, and blood on his face. It covers the red, white, and blue of the suit, too.

“Hopefully we didn’t add too much work for you?” he prompts, and you reluctantly shake your head. It’s only the normal of work amount for an Avengers mission, which is a lot, but you’ve learned to manage it.

Slowly, you close the mission folder and set down your pen, then push away from your desk. Your muscles are tight but you refrain from stretching while he’s still standing there.

“That’s good,” he says. He pauses, then continues, “Thank you for being so thorough with the mission reports. I know I write a lot, but it’s important to me that everything is recorded. You never know when those details will come in handy.”

You nod again and force another smile. You’re exhausted and starving. You silently will him out of your office, then feel bad for wishing that Captain America would leave. He means well and he’s never been anything other than a gentleman. It’s not even that you don’t like him, because you very much do. He just… lingers. You’re never quite sure if it’s because he’s just curious about you or if it’s something more. Maybe you could ask the other employees in your department for their tricks for getting him out of your office. He never seemed to want to be around them as much as he did you.

Captain Rogers clears his throat and straightens when you approach to take the bag of food from where he’d set it down. When you turn your back to bring it back to your desk, he steps further into your office, following you.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you—”

You turn with eyebrows raised and with the food clutched against you, a little startled to find him this close when you’d purposely tried to create some distance. He’s now within arm’s reach.

“Sorry.” He raises his hands in apology and steps back into the doorway, watching you carefully. When you’ve relaxed a little and set the food down on the corner of your desk, he asks, “Would you want to grab a coffee some time? It can be in the shop in the lobby, if you’d rather not leave the building during your break.”

Confused, you frown at him. He wanted to buy you coffee? Why?

“Or you can tell me what you want and I can bring it to you,” he offers. “As a thank you for dealing with all our shit.”

Captain Rogers gestures to the teetering stacks of papers on your desk and you can’t help but smile a little. Hadn’t Tony mentioned that his teammate was a stickler for clean language?

The room fills with an uncomfortable silence and as the awkward pause seems to stretch on for too long, you reach for the tablet on your desk. He takes that as a sign to bow out while his dignity is still somewhat intact. Panicked, you race to find the button you want. You jab your index finger against the screen when the app finally loads the selection of neat little squares that represents your schedule.

“Tomorrow at 2:30pm Eastern Daylight Time,” FRIDAY reports through the overhead speakers.

You blink when the Captain turns around, visibly confused by FRIDAY’s sudden interruption into his escape. With the tablet still in hand, you press the button again, this time adding on the beginning you’d dropped in order to give him a quick answer.

“My break tomorrow is at 2:30pm Eastern Daylight Time,” FRIDAY says.

Slowly, Captain Rogers resumes his place in the doorway. You can tell he’s still processing your strange way of answering, so you offer him a small, encouraging smile. He doesn’t seem angry that you haven’t spoken aloud, just a little confused.

“Do you want to meet there or do you want me to bring you coffee here?” he finally asks.

You only have to glance at the tablet to input your response for FRIDAY to relay. “Please bring it here.”

“If I give you my number, can you tell me your coffee order?”

This time, you grab a sticky note from your desk and scribble down your order. You’re almost positive that the baristas will recognize it given the number of times you’ve frequented the cafe while working on Avenger mission reports. Captain Rogers steps into the office and takes the sticky note when you hold it out, his eyes crinkled at the corner as he smiles at you.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he says, holding up the sticky note. He backs up towards the door and gives you a small, awkward salute, then heads back down the hall towards the bank of elevators.

Grinning, you plop back down in your office chair and pull the bag of food into your lap. As soon as you’ve got it open, you can tell that it’s exactly what you like to order on long nights like these. The smell coming from the still-hot containers inside is warm and welcoming. Captain Rogers had definitely asked Tony about you. The thought shouldn’t make you giddy, but it does anyway. You try to ignore the butterflies in your stomach as you scarf down the food and hurry to finish up your last set of reports so that you can head home.

The next day, Captain Rogers knocks on your door just as the digital clock on your desk changes to 2:30. You look up and smile, then gesture for him to come in while you close the report folder and set the papers aside. He’s got coffee cups in both hands and a pastry bag hanging precariously between his left index and middle fingers.

You quickly get to your feet and take the cup and bag and he holds out to you, smiling in thanks. He makes sure not to crowd you as you inspect the contents of the bag and the order scrawled on the cup in black marker.

“Everything right?” he asks, and you look up and nod. “Good. That’s good.”

He pauses, clearly wanting to say something else, so you raise your eyebrows at him expectantly. Captain Rogers glances at your desk and then forces a polite smile.

“I guess I’ll see you around? You look like you have a lot of work to do, I wouldn’t want to interrupt your break if you just want to sit and relax.”

When he goes to leave, you reach out and touch the side of his arm before you thinking twice. The pastry bag bumps against his arm as Captain Rogers stops and looks back at you. Hesitantly, you smile a little and nod over at the couch and chairs situated against one wall of your office. The room is small enough to suit your position at the Tower, but it’s also big enough that Tony had outfitted it with a couch, two armchairs, and a coffee table in addition to your desk and office chair. He took good care of you, and for that you were thankful. You’d yet to find a workplace as welcoming as the Avengers Tower, and that was saying something, given all the danger that surrounded your work. It helped that Tony had known you long before he’d become Iron Man.

The smile on Captain Roger’s face returned, but this time it was genuine. He nods in agreement and follows you over to the sitting area. You don’t fail to notice that he trails behind and lets you pick where you want to sit before taking a seat himself.

There’s a tablet built into the wall off to the side of the couch. You set your coffee and pastry down, then twist in your seat so you can pull the device from the wall. It pops out and the screen lights up automatically, scanning your face before unlocking the app that connects you to FRIDAY.

“Thank you for the coffee,” the AI says as your fingers fly over the screen. “You got everything right.”

“Well, they seemed to know your order as soon as I started reading it. I think I got a few words in before they asked if it was for you,” he replies.

Your cheeks heat up and you smile, ducking your head back down to tap at the tablet. “I go there a lot at night.”

“Doesn’t the workday end at 5:00?”

Nodding, you gesture with one hand at the large stacks of Avenger mission reports piled on your desk. You grab your coffee from the table with the other as Steve’s face flushes. Even his ears turn a little pink. It’s adorable.

“Oh.” He fiddles with the cup of coffee in his hands. It seems so small and you glance between your cup and his, wondering if he got a smaller sized drink or if he’s really just that big. “Sorry about that. Like I said last night, I—”

You hold up a hand to stop him before he can apologize and rationalize his actions again, then shake your head, hoping he understands. Thankfully, he nods and takes a small sip of his coffee.

“What did you get to drink?” you ask via FRIDAY.

“I usually get black coffee with a little bit of sugar.”

Your face must’ve clearly betrayed your thoughts because Captain Rogers laughs. He gestures with his cup at the one in your hands.

“I’ve tried something similar to yours. It was okay. I haven’t seem to find anything I really like, but I will say that even the plain coffee nowadays is better than the stuff we had when I was growing up.”

Smiling softly, you nod in understanding and set your cup down, then reach for the pastry he’d picked up for you. You pull it from the bag and tear it in half, holding one of the parts out for him to take.

“No, it’s okay,” he says, but you push it towards him insistently. Sharing is the least you can do.

Captain Rogers takes it after your push it a second time. You watch as he takes a bite, raising your eyebrows when he looks back up at you.

“This is amazing!”

You nod excitedly and pull up the keyboard on your tablet, typing as quickly as you can with only one hand.

“It’s my favorite. My mom used to get it for me on special occasions when I was little. I was happy when they added it to the menu here at the Tower.”

He’s smiling as he finishes his half of the pastry. You eat your own and you’re leaning forward to set the tablet on the coffee table when FRIDAY chimes through the speakers.

“Miss Y/L/N, Mr. Stark is on the phone for you. Shall I tell him you’re otherwise occupied? Your break is not scheduled to end for another three minutes.”

You tap the “yes” button on the tablet as you set it down and turn your body back towards Captain Rogers. He glances at the tablet, then at you.

“You can answer that if you want,” he says. “It’s probably important if Stark is calling you.”

Knowing it’s not, you shake your head with a small smile. You don’t talk on the phone and Tony knows that. If he’s calling you, it means that he’s somehow heard Captain Rogers is with you and he wants to interrupt. He likes to scare people away if he thinks they’ll be bad for you, and though you appreciate his protectiveness, you can take care of yourself. Captain Rogers is a good man. Logically, he should make you anxious. He’s a large man and he has abilities that would surely allow him to overpower you in an instant, but instead of fear, you feel safe. He would never hurt you and it’s easy to relax in his company.

“Are you sure?” he asks, and you nod again.

FRIDAY interrupts him before he can say anything more. “I’m sorry, Miss Y/L/N, but Mr. Stark is overriding my systems. Apparently it’s urgent.”

You roll your eyes as Captain Rogers raises an eyebrow. Instead of paying close attention to whatever Tony’s rambling about as his voice floods the speakers in your office, you sip your coffee and open up the notes app on your tablet so you can scrawl out a message with the attached stylus.

Captain Rogers is standing to leave when you tilt the screen for him to see. He pauses to read your message and then glances up at the ceiling where the speakers are inlaid. You can see the wheels turning in his head.

“Don’t you need to go help him with OGRE?”

You frown and tilt your head a little, then tune into the sound of Tony’s voice. It’s not hard to track what he’s saying, but you’ve also gotten good at tuning him out over the years.

“—need you ASAP. Dum-E’s mostly just getting in the way today—this is your own fault, you know better than that—and Pepper’s out of the office on some good relations press tour, so you’re really the only person who can come help me sort out this OGRE business. Worry about all those reports later, we’ve got—”

As far as you know, Tony isn’t working on any new projects, secret or otherwise. You can usually tell when he’s keeping something under wraps, though he’s quick to clue you in about any developments in the “secret” projects. OGRE isn’t real. He’s making things up to get you away from Captain Rogers, and that irks you.

You clap twice, as loud as possible, and Tony stops speaking. It’s your surefire way of getting his attention and telling him to shut up.

“I’m sorry, am I bothering you?” he asks.

Huffing, you switch back to your communication app and tap the “yes” so that FRIDAY will relay your annoyance. For good measure, you add the “asshole” button as an afterthought.

Tony chuckles on the other end of the line. Your words are being communicated directly to him through FRIDAY, but they’re not coming through the speakers, and you catch the Captain watching you and the screen out of the corner of your eye.

“Your break ended a minute ago, Y/N,” Tony says, and you can hear the teasing in his voice. “Why don’t you come up and help me? I’m sure Steve has more important things to be working on.”

“I don’t,” Captain Rogers flatly replies. “And we were enjoying ourselves until you interrupted. Why do you need Y/N’s help anyway? She doesn’t work in the science division.”

You try not to seem insulted at his answer. Of course he doesn’t know about your longstanding friendship with Tony, and there’s no way for him to know that you’d been working on a graduate degree at MIT before you’d had to drop out your senior year after everything that had happened. Tony and Fury buried that deep within SHIELD records at your request. You don’t want to be dragged into anything that could possibly trigger you, though you’ve gotten better at it over the years. Tony is careful not to invite you up while he’s working on anything that could be a possible trigger.

As subtly as possible, you tap a few buttons on the tablet screen, letting Tony know you’ll be up in a few minutes. He’s quiet for a moment before FRIDAY informs you that he’s ended the call.

Captain Rogers is frowning when you glance over at him. You reach over with one hand and tap his, giving him a worried look.

“I’m fine,” he replies, shaking his head. “Does Tony always demand things like that during your break? It’s no wonder you’re here so late all the time?”

You pause, wondering how to approach the topic, especially since he’s clearly noted that you often leave late. Has he been keeping tabs on you?

FRIDAY relays your message after you finish pressing all the buttons you want. “Tony and I are friends. We met when I was working on my doctorate at MIT. He’s just trying to get a reaction out of both of us, but he probably also wants my help with something that he doesn’t really need help with. I’m a good sounding board, apparently.”

You offer the Captain a small smile when FRIDAY finishes speaking, and he relaxes a little. Carefully, you set the tablet down aside. He stands as you do and you both tidy up the coffee and pasty trash.

“Thank you for humoring me during your break,” Captain Rogers says as you put the tablet back into the built-in dock on the wall.

Smiling, you glance over your shoulder at him, then click the tablet into place. “I had fun, Captain Rogers. Thank you,” you tap out before stepping away from the device. You grab your coffee from where you’d set it on the edge of the desk, if only to have something to hold so you’re not standing awkwardly in front of him.

“Please call me Steve. Maybe we can do this again sometime?” he asks. After a moment, you nod in response. Steve smiles wide. “Have a good day, Y/N.”

You wave a little and watch in silence as he leaves. The butterflies in your stomach are back, launched into flight by the sight of his smile. It makes you wonder if he had such a winning smile before the serum. If he had, maybe he would’ve eventually been scooped up by some pretty girl who didn’t mind him being on the small side. You definitely wouldn’t have.

Coffee breaks with Steve become a regular occurrence, and it’s one of the best parts of your day. He’s being sent on more missions than usual lately, so after your third break together, he offers his phone number so that the two of you can text. You graciously hand over your phone and hope that he can’t hear your heart as it tries to beat out of your chest in excitement.

It’s on one of the days that Steve is out on a mission with the rest of his team, Tony included, that something triggers you. You woke up feeling a little queasy, but you’d pushed it aside and gone to the office anyway. Now you regretted that decision.

Something one of your co-workers had put in the break room microwave triggered something in your brain. The smell is somehow wafting across the entire floor of offices and cubicles, and you’d seen a few peoples’ disgusted faces before the scent had made it to you. All bets were off as soon as you’d smelt it. Instantly, you were back in the lab at MIT, staring down the man you’d once considered a mentor.

You blink away the memory and curl up on the floor with your back against your desk drawers. The handles dig painfully against your spine but it doesn’t really register as you fumble with your tablet, pressing the button that turns the clear glass wall of your office into an opaque one so that your co-workers couldn’t see you melting down. You manage to press the button to turn on the fans in your office too, hoping that will force the smell away from you quicker. You’re fading fast, and you react on instinct, grabbing your phone and pressing the call button.

“Hey, Y/N.”

When Steve’s voice comes over the speaker on your phone, you’re frantic. Why was he answering? Had something happened to Tony? He sounded too casual for something to be wrong.

“Y/N, are you there?” Steve asks.

You’re frozen in place even though your heart and mind are racing inside of you. How you’d managed to call him instead of Tony, you’re not sure, but you can’t speak over the phone, especially not with him, and you don’t know what to do. If you just hang up, Steve could call back, and you don’t think you have the mental capacity to text right now.

There’s a loud rumbling in the background of the call, but you can hear faint voices as well. Struggling to focus, you shudder and close your eyes, listening carefully to try and decipher what they’re saying.

The first person you can pick out is Tony. His voice sounds tinny and far away, but it’s definitely him. “Is that Y/N? Did she call you?”

“Uh, yeah,” Steve says, pulling slightly away from the phone before lifting it back to his ear. “Y/N, is everything okay?”

“FRIDAY’s sensing something’s wrong. Her heart rate and blood pressure are high and she’s breathing abnormally,” Tony says, and you grimace. Of course the AI noticed your vitals were off. You try to take a deep breath to calm yourself down, but your skin is crawling and your muscles all feel too tense.

Steve brings you back to the present when he speaks again. His voice is a little bit softer this time. “You don’t have to talk, it’s okay. Whatever happened, it’s going to be okay. FRIDAY would’ve told us if something was really wrong in the building, so I know it’s not that. I just need to know if you’re safe or not, Y/N. Can you let me know somehow if you’re safe?”

You don’t know how to tell him that it’s all in your head and that you don’t necessarily trust yourself right now, so you stay silent and motionless, curled up in a ball behind your desk.

“Do you want me to send someone to check on you?” Steve asks.

A panicked grunt escapes from the depths of your chest before you think twice, and you grip the phone harder.

“Okay, I won’t send anyone. Can you… Do you think you could clap? Or click for me?” Steve demonstrates, clucking his tongue against the roof of his mouth one time. The ridiculous idea of him making that noise in an airplane full of Avengers loosens the knot in your chest. After a moment, you mimic the sound.

“Good, that’s good,” he soothes. “Once for yes, twice for no, okay? Are you safe?”

It takes you a second, but you click once. Steve’s sigh of relief on the other end of the call is audible.

“Good. Are you injured?”

You click twice.

“Do you want me to distract you from whatever’s going on?”

One click.

That’s all the confirmation he needs, and then Steve is launching into some story about Clint and Tony arguing over the food that they brought with them on the mission. Apparently, they had a rotating cycle of who was in charge, and Tony had somehow found a way to rig it so that he was the person who chose the food for the last three missions. That sounded exactly like something he would do, and by the time Steve has finished the story and moved onto a new one, you’re more yourself.

The noise in the background of the call lessens over time, and the voices of the other Avengers disappear after Steve’s fourth story. You’re enraptured by the smooth, low sound of his voice over the phone speaker. Slowly but surely, you relax enough that your muscles can finally unclench and you move from being tightly curled against the desk to having your legs sprawled out in front of you a little. Your body still feels heavy, though, and you carefully move to lay on the floor on your side. The plush rug you added to your office is suddenly a godsend and you’re mobile enough now to reach up and grab the pillow from your desk chair. It’s normally just a back support pillow, something you’d deemed a necessity after sitting for hours on end, but now it’s a source of comfort as you tuck it underneath your head.

“You still with me, Y/N?” Steve finally asks.

You’re drowsy now that the panic has washed away and the adrenaline is leaving your system, but you cluck your tongue once. You swallow and try to rid your mouth of the dryness. It takes a great effort, but you manage to force out a weak “thank you” in the quiet.

Steve doesn’t hesitate or seem surprised by your response. “You don’t need to thank me,” he says. “I’d do anything for you, Y/N.”

That makes you smile. You put the phone on speaker and set it beside you on the floor, then close your eyes again.

“We’re back at the tower now. I’ll come check on you as soon as I’m cleared by medical. Are you in your office?” You click once in response. “Okay. Tony’s already been cleared so I think he’s coming to find you. I’ll stay on the line and talk when I can, but even if you can’t hear me, know that I’m here on the phone. Alright, sweetheart?”

You click again and listen as Steve goes back to telling his stories. After a while, he stops talking and you can hear someone else, presumably one of the medical team members, talking to him.

While Steve is occupied by one of the Tower doctors, your office door opens and someone enters the room. You don’t need to sit up or open your eyes to know that it’s Tony because he’s muttering about the overpowering smell. Apparently, it’s not just your floor that’s feeling the effects of your co-worker’s horrible meal choices. A wave of the smell enters with him and you have to brace yourself as your mind screams at you, your old mentor’s words banging around in your skull. For a moment, you doubt if it’s really you that’s sitting in your office. Maybe you’re still at MIT and this is all just another experiment being done on you.

“Hey there, kiddo.”

Slowly, you blink open your eyes and stare up at Tony. He’s crouched beside you, one hand braced on the corner of the desk so he doesn’t lose his balance.

“It’s pretty bad out there. I’m sending everyone home early and I turned on the fans in every room on the floor. You hurt?” he asks, though you’re positive he already knows the answer because of Steve.

You shake your head and move into a sitting position. It takes you longer than it should but he doesn’t rush you or seem impatient. Tony understands what it’s like after being triggered.

“I think Steve is probably on the way up. Do you want me to help you back to your apartment after he’s checked on you, or do you want him to help?” Tony asks.

After thinking it over, you hold up two fingers—option two, have Steve help you. Tony smiles a little, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he shifts to sit on the floor instead of crouch.

“You really like him, don’t you?”

You’re very aware that Steve is still on the phone and you glance down at the device, then up at Tony. It’s clear that the genius knew exactly what he was doing and that he already knew that Steve was still present in some capacity. Your cheeks feel hot as you nod.

“Steve and I don’t always get along. My therapist would say that we should find middle ground and work out our issues since we’re both grown adults” Tony begins, waving a hand dismissively. “I trust your judgement, Y/N. You’re smart. You don’t need my permission or approval if you want to date him, but as your friend, I want you to know that if he makes you happy, then I’ll be happy about it. He always seems to be on your best behavior around you, which is good. You’re a lot more relaxed around him than anybody else on the team, besides me, of course..”

Tony has bad timing for heart-to-heart conversations and though you still feel a little bit like you’re in the wrong body and itching to get out, you appreciate that he’s telling you what’s on his mind. He doesn’t often do that, not when other people—like Steve—could overhear. It’s forcing you to stay present with him.

You nod a little and then Tony is producing a water bottle from somewhere and asking if you’d like to have some. He mothers you until there’s a soft knock at the door.

“That’s Steve,” Tony tells you. “You’re good if I let him and head up to see Pep? She’s got an early flight out in the morning and I want to make sure we’ve got time together tonight.”

You nod again and he gets up. He leaves you behind the desk and you reach out to tap the red button on your phone to end the call now that Steve’s here with you. A few moments later, Steve is occupying the spot where Tony had just been sitting. He’s clearly worried, but he’s trying to act casual about the whole thing, and he’s practically doing a whole song and dance to make sure you’re comfortable after what’s happened, even though he doesn’t even really know what happened.

“Steve,” you murmur, smiling a little. Your throat is tight and it feels like someone’s scraping sandpaper over the tissue and muscles there as you speak.

He pauses and meets your eyes. “Yes?”

You reach out and take his hand in yours, squeezing once. He squeezes back and you keep hold of his hand as you look up at the tablet on your desk. It’s just out of your reach, but Steve grabs it easily and sets it on the floor between the two of you.

With your free hand, you open the app and tap a few buttons.

“Will you take me to my apartment?” FRIDAY asks.

The AI’s voice comes through all the speakers in the room and you flinch at the volume. You’re not as wound up as before, however, so you’re able to switch the settings on the tablet so that it’s no longer connected to FRIDAY and instead just coming through the tiny speakers on the device.

“Yeah, I can,” Steve answers. He rubs his thumb over your hand in small, soothing strokes. “What’s your address?”

“I live on floor 23,” you tap out. “Unit 46.”

He huffs a little, smiling. “No kidding. We’re almost neighbors. How did I miss that?”

You shrug at him and lock the tablet, then gather up your phone and the pillow from your lap. Steve stands first. He offers to help you to your feet and you nod in consent. His hands are gentle as he guides you until you’re standing upright, and though you’re a little dizzy from not eating most of the day, you’re mostly stable.

“Do you think you’re okay to walk?” he asks.

Slowly, you nod. You drop the pillow back onto your desk chair where it belongs and tuck your phone into your pocket, then adjust the tablet so you can tap on it again.

“The smell is the problem,” the tiny speakers announce for you. “I don’t know what will happen when we leave my office.”

Steve nods in understanding and places a gentle hand on the small of your back. “I’m right here,” he reassures you. “I can carry you or find a place for you to sit if we need to take a break.”

The two of you leave your office and make it to your apartment with little difficulty. You leave the tablet behind on your desk. Like he promised, Steve supports you when you need it, and he slows down after you get off the elevator on your floor so that you can steady yourself.

“You gonna be okay?” he asks as you arrive outside the door of your apartment. The hall is empty of other agents and employees, though it’s close to dinner time, so you imagine that most of them are either out or making their way towards one of the cafes and cafeterias inside the Tower.

You nod and pull out your phone, typing quickly and then showing him the screen.

“You want me to stay? Are you sure?” Steve goes to shove his hands in his jacket pockets. He’s still dressed in his suit from the mission, so there’s no pockets, and his entire face flushes when his hands jab at nothing. He drops them back down to his sides as a giggle escapes you. Though he’s still pink, he grins wide at the sound.

Typing furiously, you tell him that of course you want him to stay. It’s helpful for you to have company to keep you present, and you trust him.

“I’m not exactly good company after missions,” he tells you. “I need to shower.”

You smile in understanding and type out another message. He watches over your shoulder, reading as you go. He seems a little relieved when you reassure him that he doesn’t need to talk if he just wants to relax after his mission.

“Watching movies sounds good. There’s so many I haven’t seen yet. Do you want to pick one of your favorites while I shower? I can come back with snacks.”

The promise of snacks makes you smile, and Steve smiles back. When you nod, he leans down and presses a kiss to your cheek. Your face is warm when he pulls away, and your smile turns shy as Steve backs away from you with a little wave.

“I’ll be back soon, Y/N,” he says, and you nod at him before heading into your room to set up the movie night.

As an afterthought, you pull out your phone and text him a few of your favorite snacks. Steve is quick to reply. He already knows what you like, apparently, and the sweet texts he sends you are enough to make your horrible afternoon feel like almost nothing.

Thank you for reading! If you liked this, please consider reblogging my work so that others can enjoy it too.

I do not consent to have my work posted, translated, or published to any third party site or app. If anyone sees my work anywhere other than my personal tumblr, Patreon, or ao3 accounts, it has been reposted without my permission.

If you want to support me further, consider buying me a ko-fi! My ko-fi is also under my SPN fanfiction blog, but I promise it’s me.

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Tagging people who might enjoy: @lipstickandvibranium

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reborrowing · 4 months

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that alien thing I was thinking about. I don't usually do epistolary writing, but this gets the point across without spilling all the alien details so I can come back tell the rest from a more normal human POV if I want to come back to it.

~550 words

cw: dehumanization, alien abduction, corporate fuckery

Trash > Observational Lab NS02 Notes!

Timestamped 683800:1101

Looks like the lab will be seeing some use sooner than we thought. Pamza had their crew charting an unoccupied system near the Eysina jump and found an active biosphere in the middle of it. A probe didn’t detect any sort of faelar or other artificial networks or anything that would suggest any kind of civilization, so they’re sending the field team to touch down and see about getting us some wildlife samples.

In the meantime, I get to recalibrate allllll our containment tanks because somehow no one anticipated the exact conditions required to house some random xeno-bugs.

Timestamped 683810:1352

So the new alien things are fuzzy and actually kind of cute! I figured the field guys would just find a couple of 'pod things, those awkward things that evolve early in a planet’s life cycle.

But I overheard someone saying the sponsor’s pleased, some of these things might even be marketable? Not my concern I guess, but the labs are full and I am busy!

Timestamped 683809:1112

Some of these species should not have been housed together. Zoc is pissed at the field guys. Me too, after spending all afternoon cleaning out that tank. These things are um, tightly packed under all that fur.

I watched Zoc do an exploratory xenonecropsy which was…not something I was expecting to get out of this apprenticeship. I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s good experience, probably? But I think I prefer to work with living things.

Timestamped 683811:1089

Some of these things are smart for their size! I guess they’re probably not small relatively and life on their planet found some way to cope with the size limitations, but it’s still weird to see. They're pretty social too. I think some of them have started recognizing different lab members.

There’s this one that I think even likes me. It’s kind of a stabby little thing, hand-sized, fluffy. It trots right up to my hand when open the tank and climbs up to my crest to sleep while I sit down to prep instruments for later. It’s adorable. If the Sponsor does send a team back to that planet, I’ll probably buy one of my own once they’re available

Timestamped 683822:4011 [recovered file]

Something happened in the lab today. I don’t think anyone else saw. I was cycling some water for the twoleggers, one of them almost got out and—I don’t know. I don’t think basic animal intelligence would have thought to do that. But we don’t have any kind of ambassadors on board, never mind the specialists needed for first contact and translating and…oh.

I probably just misinterpreted what I saw. Maybe I just need to review my xenocognition theory. I’m wrong. I'm sure of it. I’m just an apprentice. I don't know things.

Timestamped 683822:4043 [recovered file]

I can’t remember if they monitor search queries. I bet they can do that. It’s their ship. Their tech. I tried to figure out what I'm supposed to do if I think we accidentally found alien life that's...Can they see these files? fuck.

Timestamped 683827:4121 [recovered file]

It knows. The little twolegger knows I know, it knows and I don’t know how to tell it that I can’t do anything for it without sentencing it to death. It's going to hurt itself. Or someone else is going to notice if it keeps trying to prove itself and then they'll sentence it to death.

I have to make it stop.

#the timestamps are basically meaningless don't read into them lol #g/t #g/t writing #my writing #not sure if i will come back to this because i dont have any Plot Solutions #but i do have some interaction Thoughts #and wrote this up last night bc i kept coming back to it #amwt

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davidfarland · 2 months

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David Farland’s Writing Tips:

A Few Words on Career Management

I hate to say this, but even before you begin writing your first book, maybe you should be thinking about career management.

As you begin your writing career, one of the very first questions you need to ask yourself is, “Is there a large enough audience for my first book so that it could help launch a career?” or “Is this really the genre that I want to be writing in for the next twenty years?” or “If I wrote this book, who would be my agent or my publisher?”

You don’t want to get bogged down with such niggling details, yet you can’t totally ignore them, either.

A few years ago, a good friend excitedly told me about a book he had begun. He told me the premise, and I asked him a question: “Do you want to keep writing books after this, or are you willing to let this one book your career?”

You see, the author was intelligent and passionate—a great combination for a writer—but the book he described had no audience. If he wrote it, he would be writing it for personal therapy. I’m all for that—writing something because you feel you have to write it, or because you simply enjoy it—but I think you need to be realistic, too. If you want to make a living from your writing, you have to develop a story that people want to read.

So he wrote the book, and with great delight soon announced that he had found a small publisher. The book came out and got nice reviews. It even was a finalist for a major award.

But two years later he wrote me a note which said, “I should have listened to you. I spent a year writing and promoting that book. I sold exactly 52 copies. Of those copies, 51 were sold to families and friends. The last one, I have no idea who bought it. With such dismal sales, no one is interested in my next book. A publisher suggested that she might buy a novel from me, but only if I wrote it under a pseudonym.”

That’s one danger. You put a lot of work into a project and then discover that you have to start over, using a different name.

Now, that’s not the end of the world. Many successful authors have had to re-brand themselves, recover from a bad start. But think about this: the average writer takes about seven years from the time that they begin writing to the time that they gain enough skill to get published. They typically spend another seven years from the time that they begin publishing to the time that they become successful.

Do you really want to add a few more years to that because you’re making career management missteps? How many times do you think you can screw up before you’re done? Do you want to write a bad novel—or a bad series—and then have to start over again?

You can write a book and sell it, but publishing a “small” book can give you a false sense of victory. Yes, you put everything into writing a book and got it published, but in doing so you won the battle while losing the war.

But there is another problem. One young would-be author once asked, “How do I write the bestselling young adult novel of all time?” I gave her a hard look and wondered, “Do you know what you’re asking? Do you really want to be that famous?”

So we sat down in my office and strategized. I told her how to write for the audience she wanted. We brainstormed the setting, the characters, and premise. We talked about how she would get her agent and her publisher. We strategized when she would put the book out and how she would promote it. She wrote the book and reached her goal.

Then came the put-downs from jealous authors. (Guess what, if you get a lot of success, you’ll also get a lot of abuse from other authors.). She got put-downs from irate parents who seemed to purposely misread the books. I heard stories of how fans swarmed her hotels on tours, and ruined a limo she’d rented. One cab driver told me that the author had crying jags while he taxied her to the airport.

Is that the career you want?

Personally, when I started in this business, I realized that I didn’t want to be rich and famous--just rich. I’d like the money, but I don’t want the notoriety.

Unfortunately, the fame may be tied to the job. I keep trying to figure out how to disentangle the two. So far, I’ve done an excellent job of avoiding both too much wealth and fame.

So, what are effective long-term strategies?

You need to decide who you are as a writer, first. What kinds of books do you want to write? How are they similar enough to others so that you know you have an audience? How are they different enough from other writers’ work so that you can build a reputation and a following?

Then you have to consider how you’re going to publish them? Will they be self-published or traditionally published? Why?

Once you ask that second question, you may find yourself tumbling down a rabbit hole. If I am going to self-publish, how will I promote my works? If I am going to publish traditionally, who is the best publisher for me and how do I get them?

You can worry far too much about things that you may never have much control over.

I think you see that worrying too much about such things could impede your work. You do need to consider career management, but can’t let the details run you ragged.

I used to have a schedule for brainstorming career moves. On Monday through Saturday I wrote. On Sunday evenings, I would consider my career objectives and meditate upon how to meet them—but first thing on Monday morning, I’d set my concerns aside and get back to work.

And now, back to writing!

For more on David Farland's Writing tips, visit https://mystorydoctor.com/writing-blog/

And you can also click here to get your David Farland Daily Meditations.

#writing help #writing advice #writing tips and tricks #writing tips #author

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i-am-so-sad-i-cant-cry · 12 days

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Last night my brother in law was asking about any advice for writing your first story, since he doesn’t know much about creative writing but have ideas. (Btw I’m not any published or professional writer, I’m just a fanfic author who has written a lot giving my two cents)

Since he seemed to find my take helpful I’m gonna share:

Write EVERYTHING down first. I don’t mean a first draft, I mean everything you’re already thinking of for your story. If you have a narrative to tell, writing down your ideas is the best way to start!

If you have specific scenes, write down how you imagine them.

If you have vague plot details or characters, write those down.

Have themes and narrative structure ideas? Write those down!

Writing this all down gets them out of your head and into a more tangible form, and it can feel nice to just have something as a starting point. It also can make it feel less jumbled or confused in your head, since now you won’t need to worry about remembering everything about your story at once by having it in your notes.

Writing outlines or drafts for specific scene ideas are also a great place to start, since then you can ask “what story would make this scene impactful?” It’s working backwards into parts of the narrative you’re more unsure about, and lay down some basic ideas for it.

From my experience, and talking with others, new writers can get stuck due to not having confidence in their skills which keeps them from ever starting. But you need to write badly first before you can write well, and you can always revise later.

Sorry if this is too obvious, but I know there are people out there who are like my brother in law and might benefit from the obvious being laid out for them.

Also here’s some videos and creators which helped me get started and think more about my writing in the technical sense, though mileage may vary depending on interests and such:

Two Professional Writers React to Lily Orchard advice and Two Professional Writers React to Tumblr Writing Advice By We are Not Alive - these videos are from the perspective of people who have written professionally, and they have a lot of solid advice for improving your writing.

Trope Talk Playlist by Overly Sarcastic Productions - This video series is long, so I’d say watch the ones that sound interesting first. Red, the host and artist of these videos, talks a lot about story structure, audience reaction, and how writers might use these tropes as tools in a story.

KrimsonRogue - He makes videos analyzing and reviewing both good and bad books, and his content is great in deconstructing why stories are bad as well as very entertaining. These videos tend to be long, but they’re worth the watch if you have the time!

Dominic Noble - An entertaining book reviewer who has a very good series on changes between books and their adaptations, as well as other good videos talking about books. He doesn’t analyze as deeply as others here, but his videos about adaptations are very interesting and talk about why things are changed.

In general, Analysis and review videos about books and media are a good way to start thinking about stories and how they’re told as well as a good way to find new books you might not have read otherwise. Reading books is important to writing them too, though I think most people intuitively know that anyways.

#new writers #writing advice #writing #creative writing

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ifyouhappentoremember · 1 year

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Quick Thoughts - The Phantom of the Opera - February 4, 2023 - Matinee

The main trio was Ben Crawford, Julia Udine and John Riddle.

I think I’ve reached a point when I am so familiar with this trio’s acting choices, my brain just started focussing on very niche and random things, so this review is just going to be an incredibly haphazard collection of thoughts.

Joseph DePietro was on as M. Reyer and is it possible that I’ve found my new favorite Reyer? He was so incredibly sassy but it was clear that he was very good at his job, which is Reyer 101. I know I’m ride or die for Jim Weitzer’s Reyer, but DePietro is giving him a run for his money.

This is the third (or is it second?) time I’ve seen Ted Keegan as Piangi. I can barely wrap my brain around it because Keegan’s Phantom and his Piangi give off very different energies but are also somewhat similar? His Piangi is very earnest and a little goofy.

Keegan’s Piangi is first and foremost, Carlotta’s number 1 fan. The first time Keegan’s Piangi met Carlotta, he cried and would later write in his diary, “It was the best moment of my life.”

RIP Keegan’s Piangi, you would have thrived as a stan account on Twitter.

I had thought that since New York City Ballet’s Winter season had started, I would stop focussing so intently on the ballet corps during the Dressing Room sequence and finally turn my attention to the action down stage. If anything, my scrutiny on the corps has increased.

The choreography during this sequence is so good. It’s structured to almost resemble the center portion of a ballet class but Gillian Lynn had deliberately put in references to Degas’s ballet paintings and sculptures. It’s so clever and it lends so much atmosphere to the scene.

I’m really nitpicking here but I wish the ballet corps was a little bit tighter and were more synchronized? The main issue is that each ballet dancer has trained at a different school so the little details like arm and head placement are different. Like I said, I’m nitpicking because this is such a minor detail.

I am always so obsessed with this detail during Notes. Raoul directs the sung line “Why did Christine fly from my arms?” to André. Why does Raoul think André would know the answer? Nehal Joshi’s André always looks and gestures at John Riddle’s Raoul like “Give me a minute to deal with Carlotta and then I can help you with your stupid question” and it always cracks me up.

Ok so on the rooftop sequence after All I Ask of You when Raoul says “Christine, I love you,” I always love that when he says it, Julia’s face is in shadow and when she turns back, she’s in the light again. It’s such a good visual representation of Christine ‘rejecting’ the Phantom’s world of shadow for Raoul’s world of sunlight.

Ted Keegan’s Piangi made a really good Don Juan?? I was actually really annoyed that the Phantom killed Piangi, because I actually kinda started to get into Don Juan Triumphant.

Ben got so raspy during some moments when he sang The Point of No Return and I’m annoyed because it’s going to be clattering around my brain until the next time I see Phantom.

I don’t know how Ted Keegan made his body so limp during the reveal of Piangi’s dead body, his feet were swinging around like he was a corpse. It was really disturbing.

Ben has a new line reading of ‘The world showed no compassion to me!’ I like it so much better!

I like it better when Ben’s Phantom says his second “I love you’ to the empty space Christine has left behind. I’ve seen him do it to Christine when she’s still standing in front of him, and it reads as more manipulative to me, like he’s still begging her to stay with him. When he’s by himself it reads more pathetic and sad to me.

When Meg {Polly Baird] ripped the cape from the throne to reveal the mask, someone in the audience (probably a kid) let out a giant gasp of surprise and it made me laugh. I know, I know, this means for spoiling the mood my punishment I will be forced to endure the never ending bathroom line during intermission at Phantom (I would like to throw the lady sitting next to me under the bus because she laughed too - it was not just me!!).

#can you tell when I got to the theater that I was annoyed that Ted Keegan wasn't on as the Phantom?#hence the unusual focus I paid to piangi this time around?#quick thoughts #poto broadway #Ted Keegan #ben crawford #julia udine #john riddle #nehal joshi

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mothman-rewatches · 11 months

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Post Season Review: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season one.

Hello everyone! I have such mixed emotions as I’m typing this. We have reached the end of season one, which means we get to talk about the season as a whole. I’m sad to have finished this season, but I’m excited for what’s to come. I have a lot to say, so let’s get on with it.

WARNING: This post contains spoilers.

The Good: First, we have to talk about the Master. This might be an unpopular opinion, but the Master is one of the most memorable Big Bads of the series for me. He stands out from the rest of the Big Bads in the same way he is different from the rest of the vampires on the show. I would have loved to see more of him, even just little pieces. His story is something that I am so deeply curious about. Mark Metcalf and the costuming department made him who he is, and I commend them.

Speaking of costuming, it was unexpectedly one of my favorite parts of the season. When I decided to include a fashion corner section in these reviews, I wasn’t sure I would have anything specific to write about. I don’t pretend to know anything about fashion, and there were a lot of times my comments felt a little silly, but costuming made the experience worth it. I loved seeing the small details that set Buffy apart from the other characters, and personally it added so much to my watch through of this season.

Buffy’s character arc is a huge note I have. I felt like almost every episode I brought up her arc, and for good reason. Buffy’s attempt to find normalcy sets her apart distinctly, and it makes some of the underlying themes in the episodes so much better when you look at it through that lens. Slowly, as the season progresses, we watch Buffy learn to accept her fate as the Slayer. She still tries to balance being a normal girl and the Slayer, but the pressures on herself to be normal wane as she realizes she cannot ignore her duties. In the last review of the season, I pointed out that the underlying theme of “Prophecy Girl” was grief through the lens of a teenager, and that particularly ties into Buffy’s arc. She learns she is destined to die, and immediately shuts down. She quits, but is unable to ignore her fate. Her grief is centered around the loss of innocence, the loss of the ability to be a teenager, and it’s heartbreaking. It’s what perfectly ties the arc up at the end of the season.

Again, I loved the themes in certain episodes. They add another layer to each episode, and it’s fun to look through that lens and understand the episode a little deeper. Witch, Nightmares, Out of Mind, and Prophecy Girl pull this off wonderfully, and I wish they had a larger narrative theme for each of the episodes this season. I cannot wait to see this used in later seasons.

Lastly, I loved watching the character relationships grow. Watching how Buffy and Giles’s relationship progressed, or Buffy and Willow’s relationship progressed, and knowing where they end up is something special. You get to connect to these characters this way, and it’s worth it. I am going to love seeing where they go.

The Bad: As much as I loved this season, there was actually a lot I didn’t like. From the overuse of certain tropes, to characterization, I have things I wish had been better.

To start, Xander’s character. I really didn’t like Xander this season, and I will admit I did sort of ruin him for myself early on. Xander Harris is a rough character to begin with, and when you add in the context that he might be based on the creator, it gets worse. I spent a large chunk of the season cringing at every line he spoke, because most of the lines he had this season include sexual and perverse comments about his female friends or about the female classmates around them, or making snide comments because they rejected him. It’s easy to brush it off as him being a hormonal teenage boy, but at some points it crosses a line into creepy -- like the time he “joked” about taking pictures of Buffy through her bedroom window -- and it really feels like you can hear Joss when he says those things. I would like to see Xander move away from this part of his character, but I don’t have a whole lot of hope for it.

Another character I really struggled with this season was Cordelia. I don’t even think I have to say it anymore, I’ve said it what feels like a million times. Cordelia’s characterization was grossly mishandled, and I remember at one point thinking it was some sort of attack on Charisma Carpenter. She has very little growth throughout the season, until the very end when we actually see her character come through. We spend most of the season with the same one dimensional trait, the shallow and vain and bitchy Cordelia. It’s exhausting, and I still wish we had seen more of who she ends the season being. Even then, it took them ten and a half episodes to even try to make Cordelia likable, and it doesn’t feel fair to the character or the audience, let alone the actress.

Additionally, we have to talk about “The Harvest”, particularly Jesse’s character. Twelve episodes later, and I’m still irritated that they spent so much time discussing Jesse in that episode just to never mention him again. I’m not asking much, just a name drop or even a reference to him would be enough to sate me. I just don’t love how they did that, it feels like a waste of time. Narratively, I hope they make strides to change this with other characters, but we’ll see.

Also, it’s the elephant in the room. We all know I’m going to bring it up: the fucking fake outs. It got old by the second episode, but they continued to use it as a narrative tool. I don’t know why they loved it so much, but they did. It really reached a point of irritation for me in “Puppet Show”, and I’ve been stewing about it ever since. They used the fake out at almost every given chance in that episode, and it kind of ruined the episode for me. That being said, I can’t remember any major uses of this trope again in the series, so I’m hoping we can leave it behind in season one.

Lastly, the end scenes didn’t work for me. It’s a mini fake out, but it does nothing narratively for the rest of the series. The only time we see something that actually comes back up in the larger narrative is the reveal that the Anointed was alive. I think the use of the end scenes could work, but in moderation, with things that come up later. Until then, I see no point in using them.

Episode Ranking: This was actually so hard to do, because I didn’t really know where I wanted to put some of these. It was fun though, and it made me think about why certain episodes did better than others.

Twelfth - “Never Kill a Boy on the First Date”

Eleventh - “Teacher’s Pet”

Tenth - “I, Robot…You, Jane.”

Ninth - “Welcome to the Hellmouth”

Eighth - “Witch”

Seventh - “The Harvest”

Sixth - “The Puppet Show”

Fifth - “Angel”

Fourth - “Nightmares”

Third - “Out of Mind, Out of Sight”

Second - “The Pack”

First - “Prophecy Girl”

Reflection: This season has been a journey, in the best way. As the show found it’s footing, I too had to find mine while starting this blog. I know I have a long ways to go, but I am so proud of this blog, and I cannot begin to express how much it means to me.

The opportunity to sit down and watch one of my favorite shows and then talk about it is one I am incredibly grateful for. I got to know the show so much better this way, and my love for it really grew over the last twelve episodes. I can’t wait for the next six seasons, because I get to make this mine.

I was, admittedly, terrified when I started this blog. I didn’t think anyone would like it, or interact with it, but I took the risk anyway and I’m glad I did. I’ve struggled this season to try and find a balance between just analysis and personal experience, and how to find my voice while writing about this. I think I’m getting to a place that I like, but I’m always afraid it’s going to be too personal for anyone else to understand. I’m learning, and that’s all I can ask.

I have some ideas for next season, things I want to add to the reviews, and I’m excited to try them out. I put this on the end of each post, but I really do want to hear other people’s input. It’s not just my blog, it’s kinda supposed to be yours, too.

Out Takes/Funny Notes: These are gold in my opinion and I can’t leave them in my google doc.

Welcome to the Hellmouth:

-Because “try not to get kicked out” is a normal thing every parent tells their child on the first day of school.

-Why Sunnydale has a starbucks is beyond me, but they also don’t actually have a starbucks.

The Harvest:

-I would have staked Darla for the disobedience, honestly.

-Harmony is not as clueless as she becomes later in the series, she even seems sort of sweet.

-Nevermind she’s a raging bitch

-Yes Willow, go!! Sabotage them!

-Doesn’t it seem a little…coincidental you found Jesse, all alone, passed out in the tunnel?

-Is it just me or is Luke a little…damn

-This whole ritual is kinda…sexual?

-I feel like the vampires rolling up with their vamp faces isn’t the best tactical choice. Going in looking normal and then vamping out would have been more effective, I think.

-And it never was the same, good call Xander.

Witch:

-I would have thought something bad happened but no, it’s Buffy trying out for the cheer team

-NOT THE BARBIE DOLL

-”That girl’s on fire!!” Yes she is Willow!!!

-Buffy is the kind of friend I’d want because she’s always good in a crisis. If I caught on fire she’d be the first one I’d call

-Is that a scrunchie she’s wrapping around Cordelia-Barbie’s head?

-Joyce had Gidget hair? Incredible

-They’re all surprised that its witchcraft like?? Obviously?

-It’s a perv thing isn’t it?

-IT IS A PERV THING!!

-Are we about to get a shining reference?

-This whole episode is basically because Amy’s mom peaked in highschool

Teacher’s Pet:

-The whiny music is perfect for a Xander episode

-Oh my god, fork guy is scared of mantis-people

-I love that his name is fork guy

-Serving alcohol to minors is frowned upon, even if you’re a giant bug

Never Kill a Boy on the First Date:

-Giles forgetting he works as a high school librarian is so funny to me

-New game: Take a drink any time the scoobies are in the library and get all in a tizzy because someone else comes in

-What’s with the Master’s voice? He sounds like he’s choking back a cough or something

-The Scooby gang really needs to work on it’s barricading skills

-Why put random objects tossed around? Heavy!! Heavy objects!!

-This episode’s “gotcha”: The Anointed survived…and he’s a little boy

The Pack:

-Why are a bunch of high schoolers going to the zoo for a field trip

-And why is the principal there too?

-This is going to break my heart isn’t it

-It broke my heart

Angel:

-I’m glad the master’s voice is back to normal

-Fumigation night at the Bronze is simultaneously such a fun (interesting?) idea but so gross at the same time

-Okay, I don’t like Xander’s crush on Buffy obviously

-But the ideal situation here is a triad relationship

-They could all date each other

-Has anyone ever thought of that?

-Angel literally tells her that a vampire can’t come in uninvited two seconds after one of the three’s hands was in the house?

-Make it make sense

-God I really like how they dressed Angel this episode

-He’s tastefully slutty with the white v neck

-How awkward to have to explain to your crush that you’re the vampire who killed your family

-So Darla can’t go after Buffy, but she can kill the three? Idk man the Master needs to make up his mind

-The Master really should kill Darla

-He’s one of the oldest vampires alive! He’s her sire! And yet she talks back to him and defies him

-Not through the front window! That’s gonna cost a fortune!

-It’s so weird to hear him be called “Mr. Giles” because everyone else just calls him Giles

-Sometimes I forget his first name is Rupert and not Giles

I, Robot…You, Jane:

-Now that I think about it, Xander gets a lot of flack for dating girls who aren’t human or ordinary by any means, but Willow has a similar history?

-Moloch, a demon. Oz, a werewolf. Tara, a witch. And Kennedy, a potential Slayer

The Puppet Show:

-Giles can handle himself they say as he is about to be killed

-Like have you met the man

Nightmares:

-The guy with the ponytail kinda cute

-Honestly the kid is probably more terrifying than the actual anointed

-Just pops out of nowhere

-Do these kids ever go to class? I’m gonna start a class counter next season where I count how many classes they are shown to actually go to

-No one else notices the little boy wandering the halls?

-Who smokes in the school’s boiler room? I’d be worried it would blow the whole building

-The parallel between this girl literally being beaten to death and the sign that says smoking kills is so fucking funny to me

-No don’t go into the basement the basement has bad vibes!

-The only thing scary about that clown is his laugh tbh

Out of Mind, Out of Sight:

-God what a sexist pig

-I’m glad Marcie beats the shit out of him

-Clea DuVall!!

-A win for the lesbians

-I’m sorry you’re telling me the ceiling is stable enough to support three of you UNTIL you trade blows with Buffy? The math ain’t mathing

Prophecy Girl:

-Earth quake babey!!

-He’s dissociating Buffy, chill

-Go Willow go!!

-Buffy’s getting a little cocky with the stake isn’t she?

-I love when blood comes out of the sink! It’s so fun

-If Giles is the dad is Jenny the cool aunt or the step mom?

-Love how Buffy came back from the dead and said “fuck this it’s game time”

Thank YOU: You didn’t think I forgot my dues, did you?

First and foremost, I want to thank the team at @sunnydale-digest. You have given me a platform, and while I know that’s the point of your blog, I am forever grateful for you all. I have been following your blog for as long as I’ve been on tumblr (or at least, for as long as my main blog as existed), and I can’t tell you how much it means to me each time you reblog my posts. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

A special thank you to Kay (@goblinagenda), who won’t see this. When I told them about wanting to do this, they were so supportive. He pushed me to do make this blog, and I wouldn’t be here without him.

Of course, I cannot go without thanking Li (@voltrontrxsh). Li, mother of my children, my partner in crime, the person who is all but my creative director. Thank you so much, for all of your input and all of your support. You, whether you knew it or not, were a huge help at the beginning of this process, and I am so grateful for you.

Lastly, to the people who interact with my post and this blog. Thank you. I didn’t expect anyone to see this blog, I was fully prepared to be speaking into the void. Each like or reblog makes my heart swell, and it’s what pushed me to keep going. Thank you, I hope you see this blog as yours just as much as mine.

Final Notes: As always, feel free to leave any comments, suggestions, or questions in the ask box!

#buffy the vampire slayer #btvs #buffy the vampire slayer s1 #mothman rewatches #rewatch

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kiss-my-battery-505 · 1 year

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I’m bored so here’s a list of my reviews of all the movies I’ve seen from the silver scream albums

Don’t feel pressured to read lmao I’m just infodumping for fun also sorry for bad formatting this was written in my notes app lol

Friday the 13th/Thank god it’s Friday- The song absolutely FUCKS its so good I VERY recommend it, it mainly references the beginning part of the movie but it sounds like a basic campfire story but with metal music it’s awesome <3 The *movie* wasn’t bad, the first one wasn’t as great as I was expecting but it was super fun and I def am gonna watch the sequels

Rainy day/Resident evil- LOVE THESE the song is 100% less metal and more like alternative?? Pop rock?? but it’s still amazing the music video also slaps, but the MOVIES!!!! I just watched the second one (it’s been a while since I watched the first lmao) but the second one is a total cheesy action/zombie movie and is one of the only zombie movies I’ve ever enjoyed like GENUINELY and the GAMESS I’ve only played the first one (I haven’t finished yet </3) and watched some clips from the later ones but they freaky /pos HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend the song/franchise

Scream/Your number’s up- The song wasnt my favorite (it just sounded a little too much like a musical but it wasn’t bad) but it wasn’t bad but the MOVIE <333 I already watched scream like a while ago and it’s one of my favorite like kind of mystery/slasher movies? Also one of my favorite final girls in a movie like she def earned it, I wish I could watch this movie again for the first time it rocks

IT/IT is the end-Another movie I have SO many thoughts on: the older one was my favorite <33 it had practical effects it felt like the main characters actually cared about each other, LOVED the old one BUT the new ones were not as good imo like it was *all* CGI that got kind of boring after a while the characters like seemed to care about each other less and it was all super forced, there were like wayyyy too many side plots that meant nothing??? AND THE ENDING like- spoilers if u haven’t watched it- but the way they figured out how to defeat the clown WAS SO FUCKING STUPID like all of those confusing side plots and they just had to use the power of bullying????? Like they just gathered around it just going oH stupid little babey man look at this stupid fuckign idiot AND IT WORKED?!?!!! Like they fought a spider creechur in the original like I was so mad at the new ending loll anyway, it’s been like a couple months since I watched it but I could totally go into even more detail jsbsj

Nightmare on elm street/American nightmare- Again the song is great✨super theatrical, I just watched the movie for the first time it’s amazing <333 total cheesy 80s movie, the fashion was great✨the characters weren’t like annoying I liek :)

Hip to be scared/American psycho- This was the first Ice Nine Kills song I’ve ever listened to and it’s STILL my favorite it’s soso theatrical and fun and there are so many movie references in the song it’s crazyy and the live performance clips look so fun jsbsj

I just recently watched the movie bc of the song and like I don’t know if I would have enjoyed the movie as much if I hadn’t listened to the song first loll like the first half of the movie i took WAY less seriously than I should’ve cause like they’d reference something and and my dumbass brain would only think of the song but towards the end I realized it was all a metaphor for something bigger and I’ve never researched a movie that much like ever <3 I could write a whole other essay on the like corporate greed and toxic masculinity themes but this is already super long so <3333

Evil dead/Ex Mortis- the song and movies are on the EXACT same wavelength /pos very camp very cheesy it’s perfect <33 it’s been forever since I’ve watched Army of Darkness but I remember it was super fun like a very good bad movie you can just turn your brain off and watch without analyzing too hard

Candyman/Farewell II Flesh-So I’ve only seen the new remake of this movie but it was done SUPER well like the shadow puppet scenes were really cool and different and the plot was rly good :))) very spooky I loved it (my sister did not lmaoo)

Pet semetary/Funeral derangements- (I’ve only watched the original one) ok so like this movie has a very gloomy type vibe (obviously) and was like pretty unsettling (minus the parts me and my friends made fun of a little lol) but like that’s the point and it was well made, also the *song* funeral derangements fucks *so* hard like the chorus is so amazinggg waughh <3333333 very swag

Also lastly honorable mention that has not been put on a silver scream album (yet 👀) but is still SUCH a good horror movie: Cabin in the woods is so amazing and I cant even summarize the plot without like spoiling it like trust it’s such a good movie it like changes the way u see other popular horror movies it’s so cool I promise

Ok this was really long and I don’t write essays often so I wanted to keep it short (I didn’t 😔) but yeah anyway~this is just some of my own opinions don’t take it too seriously lmao I didn’t 🥰🥰

#I have literally nowhere else to put this so I hope you like it tumbler.com 🥰#sorry if this is super cringe lol I don’t get to infodump often #ice nine kills #horror

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fabelyn · 2 years

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In Carcere Ch.41

Pairing: inahoxslaine (orangebat, inasure)

Rated: T Warnings: spoilers for series finale Chapter: 41/? Chapter Word Count: 12k

Summary: At first Inaho visits out of duty and humanity. And then he finds he can’t stop going back to see Slaine Troyard.

Lemrina watches Inaho leave and has to squeeze her hands into tight balls to stop herself, lest she falls back into one of her destructive tantrums from when she was younger.

It’s not that she ever endeavored to be anywhere near Inaho’s capacity for plotting, but she wanted to have some use. As much as Inaho claimed he saw no way to avoid the oncoming plot, Lemrina knows it’s not quite true: he simply has no way to do so with his current lack of resources.

She’s a martian princess! She can wield aldnoah! Surely she can do something other than be a figurehead for someone’s search for power.

As Inaho is ushered into the prison by the Warden, he sees the space has once again been converted into a small training facility.

He notices Slaine focused on the flying simulator, Harklight watching from a distance.

“It’s quite pointless to adapt the room only near its necessity,” Inaho says as he enters, noticing Slaine jolt slightly at his voice and swerve to look at him. “It’s too close to when they need you for any physical capacity gained here to make much of a difference.”

“Hey, I’m not complaining,” Slaine shoots back, relaxing and going back to focus on the screen as Inaho and the Warden approach him. “There’s no way anyone will want me to be regularly fit, so this is better than nothing, pointless as it may be. So, when’s the next murder spree?”

“Your physical health should not be a threat to your incarceration. A cell or guards that could fall at any physically strong opposition are a fatal flaw. Besides, as you’ve just proven, the remodeling of the room now makes it clear you will have a purpose outside these walls. Keeping you in the dark for longer should be the priority over lack of fitness.” He turns to the Warden, catching her eye roll by his side. “I hope you have taken note of that, though I plan to have a thorough talk with you about it later.”

“That’s quite the serious change, and beyond my scope of—”

“Not a problem, I will write a detailed paper on the issue and you can review it and send it to—”

“I’m sure you can make your own way by now,” the Warden cuts him off and, without waiting for an answer, turns around and hastily leaves.

Inaho hears a quiet snicker behind him, and turns back to find Slaine muffling his laughter with his hand.

“Did you do that on purpose to send her off?” he asks, still grinning.

He looks calm, so nothing truly happened while I was gone. Good . “My suggestion, you mean? No, it is the natural conclusion anyone would reach upon seeing the situation.”

Slaine shakes his head, still looking amused. “I was worried they’d be forcing you to come back too soon during your rehab, but it sounds like you’re back to normal. Welcome back, I suppose.”

For a moment Inaho wonders if the alleged worry was simply polite conversation from Slaine, but then shies away from that thought. Slaine might be better at him regarding polite speech, but that didn’t mean he was willing to use it. If Slaine said he was worried, he had been.

“I wish I was back in better circumstances, but I’m home, I suppose.”

“Say that to sister Yuki when you go back to your house, not here. I’m assuming you were stupid enough to come here first upon arrival.”

“Obviously this takes prio— sister Yuki ?”

“Oh. Ah.” Slaine looks flustered. “She asked me to call her that. Is that a problem?”

“Obviously not, especially if she’s the one that suggested it. I’m glad she’s been visiting in my absence.”

That said, her behavioral change towards Slaine was… strange. Especially since it occurred after Inaho had risked his life for him.

Inaho ponders the information received, and he can finally see just how much he had been affected and in need of help; he’d let Yuki’s unexpected change go by unnoticed.

I’ll watch for a while longer before drawing any conclusions. Whatever this is, Yuki isn’t the sort to pretend kindness to double-cross, so Slaine isn’t in danger.

“Yes, she’s been visiting frequently. She’s very sweet, I have no idea how you turned out the way you are. In fact...” He cranes his neck in the direction Harklight was positioned —although the simulator wall blocks them from view—and lowers his voice, “I think even Harklight is mollified, which is saying something, given he’s martian.”

Now that may be more worrying. Inaho frowns. “Do you believe that to be genuine?”

“I don’t think he’d talk so well of her to me if he wasn’t.” Slaine pauses and sighs. “But it’s not as if I was ever that close to him to be able to say I can read him openly. So, tell me if anything feels wrong, but I don’t think your sister is in danger from him. So, with that settled, how are you?”

“According to the last medical exams, my gluco—”

“There is no way even you wouldn’t understand what I just meant,” Slaine cuts him off with exasperation and lightly shoves him.

Inaho couldn’t help smiling. “I admit it, I was joking. I’m fine. And you?”

“I’m fine, nothing happened,” Slaine brushes him off with a wave of his hands. Inaho notices there are no new signs of harm on his wrists. “I’d say nothing could happen in this hidden hell hole but… well. But, are you really fully healed? Even though your rehabilitation was cut short? How much will that impact you?”

“From the start my doctor exaggerated my conditions, and increased the rehabilitation time I needed, so as to avoid the UFE thinking I could be too useful.”

“Smart doctor.”

“Yes. So although they brought me back, I had enough time to heal. I mean it when I say I am fine. I no longer have any symptoms.”

“Good. I’d like to say you should sit down, rest, and not use too much of your brain but…”

“It’s inevitable, at this junction.”

Slaine’s face falls. “...I’m sorry.”

Inaho blinks in confusion. “What for? Even if you weren’t here, the UFE would have used my other friends for their plotting, so I’d be in this situation either way. And I hope you aren’t apologizing for the injury that led to my needing the analytical machine.”

“N-No, of course not!” Slaine huffs. “I had every reason to do that. Payback for shooting me down before, self-defense…”

Inaho nods in satisfaction. “Perfectly logical.”

“Anyway… and what about Lemrina?”

He asked about my well being first, a part of Inaho thinks, and he hates how childish and stupid that sounds.

“She was doing well with her own rehabilitation. She might go back to fully walking again, if she doesn’t leave too early to come back here.”

“I hope she doesn’t do such a thing. It’s pointless and besides, Rayet’s already left.”

“...As friendly as they may be to one another, she’s likely coming back for you.”

“Hm… Well… Nevermind that, for now. We need to sit down and have a long conversation. We likely don’t have too many days left, so can you come here tomorrow?”

“Why? I’m already here.”

Slaine looks at him despairingly. “You just landed from a flight. You haven’t rested or seen your sister. Working without resting first is exactly what will force you to have more head problems again. Go home, go rest.”

The words but I wanted to see you again, talking to you makes me happy, were at the tip of Inaho’s tongue, but he was well aware that would not sound like mere friendship, even from him.

No, the best course of action was to listen to Slaine and leave. It wasn’t too bad; whereas before Slaine would say it with the clear intent of not wanting to stay too long with Inaho, at least now the demand seemed to come from caring about him.

“I understand, but first, this belongs to you,” Inaho says, and produces the pendant from his inside pocket.

Slaine reaches out and takes it from him, staring at the markings etched on it.

“You know… maybe it’s stupid of me to keep getting this back.”

“How so?”

“Ha, I’m sure you of all people won’t believe this but… I told you when I gave this to you a few weeks ago that this seems to protect those who have it… except it’s never protected me.” He chuckles. “I know that’s silly. It’s more likely that I was incompetent whereas you and her were not. But still, it makes me wonder, why am I holding on to something that only ever makes me feel inadequate?”

“Because it’s human nature to want to hold on to the last memory of something that was meaningful to you,” Inaho answers easily and nearly adds: “And you shouldn’t get rid of something that means so much to you just because of some negative emotions” , however...

However, can’t Slaine’s words also serve towards his feelings for Asseylum? And in that case, wouldn’t it be best to let go?

After all this time, Inaho still can’t be certain if helping Slaine move on from his attachment to Asseylum will do more harm than good.

“Will you give him the note, for me? If your words were not mere platitudes… do this one thing for me.”

“I will!”

“Watch out for when I leave. Simply come call on me constantly and you’ll know when that is. Then, wait a week… no, two weeks. Act like nothing's wrong. After the two weeks, leave. Go back to him. Hand him the note. If you at any moment think the note may be discovered, read its contents yourself and tell him. I’m sure… I’m sure he’ll believe you.”

“I’ll do it! Don’t worry. I’ll make sure your message gets to him, no matter what!”

“Good. As for… how you came about this note…”

“I won’t tell him how. But… is it something he can check, because if he doesn’t know the source…”

“Yes. And… thank you.”

“Nao! Welcome back!” Yuki is waiting for him at the entrance, beaming. Inaho smiles back and lets her hug him without complaint.

“How have you been, Yuki?”

“I’ve missed you so much! Come, get in the car, I made some cake for you, tell me everything.”

“There aren’t any details I believe you’d want to hear,” Inaho explains as he allows himself to be wrangled into the passenger seat. “You know how rehabilitation goes. Everything went accordingly and the damage has been removed. I’ve been with Dr. Yagarai and Lemrina inside the facility all this time, so there is little news.”

“How is Lemrina?”

Inaho repeats what he’d told Slaine, and expects Yuki to make her usual annoying relationship implications.

To his surprise, Yuki says nothing of the sort.

Something is wrong.

“What about you? How have you been in my absence?”

“Oh, I’ve been fine, I don't put myself in dangerous situations like you kids.”

“Harklight is still around. Has he been polite to you? Any danger?”

“Oh no! Harklight is so sweet! You wouldn’t believe he was an undercover military martian, and he helps around the house, and it’s nice to have someone willing to learn cooking with me.”

Inaho ignores the jab. “And I heard you’ve gotten close to Slaine, you’ve been visiting him and even let him call you sister.”

“Of course. The poor boy. Locked up and treated like that; and with you and Lemrina, then Rayet too, gone, I couldn’t leave him all alone. He’s so cute! Really charming to talk to, too.”

A more emotional person might have widened their eyes at that, but Inaho controls himself.

Logically speaking, this is on par for the course. There is no reason to continue to treat Slaine with hostility, when his victim, Inaho, wasn’t holding a grudge. Moreover, Slaine’s crimes were explainable when one considered they’d been at war and on opposite sides, and now Slaine was paying more than he should…

However, Yuki isn’t driven by logic. Which means there’s more to the change of heart.

Inaho inwardly sighs. While he’d like to get to the bottom of it now, he has many more pressing things to prioritize. He’ll have to leave it until after they come back safely from the UFE’s latest plot. That, and Rayet might know something, so he’ll wait to ask her.

Despite the new training facility made for him, when Inaho arrives the next day Slaine chooses to have the talk in his cell instead, over a game of chess.

“So… where do we begin?” Slaine asks.

Inaho moves a piece. “I was informed by both Harklight and the Warden that nothing of note has occurred during my absence. I take that to be a lie.”

“Maybe I was wrong and that person didn’t make contact after all.”

“There is more probability of those two lying to me.”

“Ha, thanks I suppose. Yes, he—they made contact. Damn.” Slaine curses as a piece is eaten, but Inaho knows that’s not it.

“That the one we are after is male is hardly a surprise; there are too few females in power on both planets. Besides, what does it matter, are you not going to tell me who it is?”

“That’s the issue… they asked me not to.”

“And you’ll oblige?”

“I fear it’s a test, to see how loyal I am to you. They’ll make contact with you soon enough, I think. If you can guarantee you’re able to feign surprise I can tell you.”

“I see… perhaps it’s best to not risk it. Do you feel as if the knowledge would be helpful at this juncture?”

“It’s complicated. I think you do need to know. Not just for machinating, but to be prepared should you meet. If he doesn’t make contact with you, say, a month after all this UFE business is done, I’ll tell you.”

“That seems reasonable. What can you tell me about him, other than his identity.”

“He’s a mess. He doesn’t act like it, but the motivation for all this he told me… it’s not healthy, let’s just say.” Slaine sighs. “Not that I’m one to talk about healthy motivations, I suppose.”

“So you believe he told you his true motivation?”

“I can’t guarantee it, he could be quite an actor, but it felt too real. Besides, he could have given me something simple like desire for power and yet he chose to reveal such convoluted feelings. I thought about it a lot, and I think he meant what he said.

“However, that doesn’t mean he isn’t dangerous to us. Destroying terrans isn’t his goal, but it’s something he’ll do without hesitation if it aids him. Which means when contact is established you’ll need to convince him it’ll be more profitable to keep terrans alive and in line. That or ensure he never reaches enough power to do otherwise.”

“So it’s someone powerful enough that that is such a possibility. I see, as expected.”

“Yes, right now Her...Her Majesty holds the most power, and if she’s toppled there would be political infighting. This person still needs to consolidate more power, or gather enough of a following, to guarantee he can substitute her. That said, and I may be risking too much by saying this, beware that power itself is not his goal.”

Inaho frowns. “Meaning?”

“To become the ruler of all martians, or terrans, isn’t what he wants. This means that if he finds another person capable and trustworthy of ruling, he may back that person instead of fighting for the… throne, shall we say. And that can be both a good or a bad thing.”

Inaho blinks as he loses a bishop. “I don’t understand, why would it be bad? If he’s not after ultimate power, that means we can come to a deal to place someone of good intent, or even abolish martian royalty and suggest the introduction of a democratic panel—”

Inaho stops himself, realizing he had been taken in by Slaine’s words and not noticed what the conversation was treating as a must.

Before he can ask, Slaine explains. “It can be negative because we can’t rely on a power hungry attitude. That is often easier to deal with. But revenge, loyalty, and patriotism are more complicated. We can’t simply promise power then backstab him. We can’t foresee actions as easily as we would if we knew his goal was so simple.”

“I see.” Inaho hesitates, but ultimately chooses to point out his realization. “Slaine, we’ve been speaking as if… keeping Asseylum in power is not an option.”

“...Do you want her to?”

“I did not say that.”

“You’re not answering me. Inaho… you’re smart, you realize that there are two ways I can escape this confinement. One is to run and live in hiding for the rest of my life. The other is to topple the accusations against me, which would attack her character, and she might not recover from it.” Slaine flinches. “I’m sorry if that sounded like I’m asking you to choose. I didn’t mean—”

“I would pick your side,” Inaho says, staring down at the pieces and most certainly not at Slaine. “Which is to say, I understand what you’re asking. I have never defended her actions. And I’m not saying to leave her in power, but whereas I am sure we can easily find someone smarter to fill the position—” He hears a sound that seems to be Slaine chortling, and takes it as a good sign, “—it will be harder to find someone just as peace-oriented.

"Furthermore, and this is the reason why I asked in the first place, you say this person doesn’t wish for the martian throne, yet simply pointing Asseylum on the right path, or even making her a puppet Empress wasn’t among your considerations. Either you didn’t consider that, which is improbable, or this person has a personal vendetta against the royal line or Asseylum.

“Now, if it’s against the royal line as a whole, then Lemrina would be in danger, as she’s being used only to likely be discarded in the future. However, if this were so, you’d be keen on discussing how to stop this person, yet you mention possibly working together. Therefore, Lemrina is not in danger. In conclusion, they specifically do not want Asseylum in power, and her removal is not up to discussion with this man. Oh, and checkmate.”

Slaine blinks at him, then at the board, for a minute before bursting out in laughter.

“I can’t believe it, but I actually missed your insane conclusions,” he eventually says, recollecting himself. “Yes, he has issues with the current royal family. But while Lemrina is part of that, because she was cast aside by them, he doesn’t see her as part of his grudge. That doesn’t mean he won’t use and leave her if needs be, but she’s not his focus. If, of course, we are to believe his motivation.”

Inaho almost smiles seeing Slaine so relaxed, but he can’t, because he has one more pressing question to ask and he knows it will ruin the mood again.

“This grudge. Is it to the extent that removing Asseylum will suffice, or does he want more?”

As expected, Slaine is somber again. “That’s more complicated to gauge. Perhaps if they can perceive that leaving her alive would be sufficient punishment, or if she’s useful as such… but it’s not certain. You need to figure out if you’ll work with them, even if it means putting her life at stake.”

Inaho has the instinct to look down at the board, only to recall he has already won. “Not just me,” he says softly.

Slaine gives him a look, which Inaho thinks might be sympathy, but that doesn’t make sense—

“What I want or not, what I think or not... in the end my hands are tied and I’m locked in here. Whether we work with this man and to what extent and how… I’m sorry but it’s on you. If you don’t want this risk, you can stop this, regardless of my feelings.”

Ah.

Inaho looks at the board, only to be yet again vexed by the fact he’s already won.

“This has been my mistake,” he finally says, “I shouldn’t have brought this up.”

“No, it’s important—”

“No, it’s redundant at this moment. From what you’ve revealed, Asseylum will be affected regardless of our cooperation. It doesn't matter at this juncture what our feelings towards her death may be, because refusing to cooperate would not help her. We need to continue to pursue a collaboration with this man and revisit this topic when we have enough power to do something about it.”

“...” Slaine stares at him with an angry expression before clicking his tongue. “Then there’s nothing else to say on this topic, is there?”

I don’t understand. “Did he believe our ruse?”

“I think it was such a ridiculous excuse he had no choice but to consider it. But that doesn’t mean he’ll take the bait without further proof.”

“I see.”

“Well if there’s nothing else on this topic, I think I should go get some exercise, we can continue talking tomorrow.”

Even Inaho can tell he’s being dismissed, and decides not to fight it.

Is it that talking about Asseylum still makes him irrationally emotional… or is he simply less patient with my presence now that I’m not his only support?

When he’s finally alone, Slaine curbs the sudden desire to lash out and overturn the table.

He wanted to grab Inaho by the neck and shake him but… he was a recovering patient. Recovering from saving him, at that.

He groans and places his head in his hands.

That idiot.

Did he take Slaine for that much of a fool? Of course Inaho doesn’t want Her Majesty killed. He might disagree enough with her actions to distance himself, and even help Slaine escape… but even Slaine can tell Inaho wouldn’t want the murder of someone he used to be close with just because of that. So why not just admit it, instead of finding roundabout ways to circumvent the question?

Naturally, it had to be because he thought Slaine was too fragile to handle hearing he wanted to protect Her Majesty.

Slaine glances at his wrist.

And whose fault is it, if he treats you like glass?

He feels a pang of regret. He’d just gotten Inaho back and already sent him packing.

Inaho wasn’t sure how long Slaine’s dark humor would last, but when he visits the next day Slaine is waiting for him with a chessboard already set up.

“...I shouldn’t have kicked you out yesterday,” he says begrudgingly when Inaho takes his seat.

This is a testament to how things have improved. "It's fine.”

“You can pick the topic for today.”

There really are only two major discussions they need to have. Order shouldn’t matter much, but if he’s to choose... “I think it’s best to finally explain to you what the plan is this time. I assume Harklight and the Warden don’t have all the information.”

“Yes, and Harklight wasn’t picked as my escort.” Slaine sighs. “Which is expected. The newest member would never be chosen for such a thing.”

“I don’t consider it wise to attempt to change that.”

“And I agree, if you try anything it’ll just look suspicious, so leave it. At least this way one of us is safe, and he can keep an eye on Lemrina. So, I know you are a good strategist, but your higher-ups not so much; are we going with the same plan?”

“Close. This time the target isn’t near the water like the last time. He’s based in the middle of Europe. Right now, the UFE is slowly bringing in people to the nearest abandoned military encampment they could find.”

“Are they going to risk putting me on a long ground journey? I can’t imagine that. Not to mention, even if the operation is small, to go around with a skycarrier in secrecy, as well as other armaments. Either this will be dangerous or very, very slow.”

"Precisely. They’ll be using the Deucalion. They’ll load the skycarrier and the most relevant necessities on it during its current route. Then when it stops at a small coastal town they’ll take you in—”

“Oh, so I’m finally going onboard the Deucalion?” Slaine sounds excited, and Inaho can’t tell if it’s mere sarcasm. “I’m amazed they’ll risk placing me there.”

“They were incapable of thinking up other options.” Inaho could have given a few, but none of them would be better for Slaine, so he had not pointed them out to his superiors when they finally called to explain the plan.

“I’m sure. That said, how will they get the Deucalion to stop and unload without anyone noticing it’s move—oh, I see. They’re going to use the dead spaces.”

“Is that what martians called the blindspots where signals wouldn’t work?”

“Yes.”

Inaho is impressed. “I didn’t expect you to figure it out so fast.”

“I’ll assume you didn’t mean that as a slight to my intelligence,” Slaine huffs, but colors slightly. “It would be strange if I didn’t . If it weren’t for those signal dead locations affecting our capacity to find you, the war would have been over long ago.”

“Yes, we used them to survive for years in the Deucalion, and the UFE upper echelons are naturally aware of that, which is how they manage to come up with a mildly decent plan on their own, for once.”

“And for how we are getting rid of these martians…?”

Inaho sighs. “That next part is subpar. They want a repeat of what you’ve done last time.”

“...Who are we killing, and why?”

“Count Percival. He’s accusing the UFE of murdering Count Mikael.”

“...Really? They’re going for the most suspicious target?”

“I share your disbelief. And shared my sentiments with my superiors when they explained.”

“Let me guess. While he is the most suspicious one to go down, if memory serves me right, Count Percival had quite the sway in martian politics. He was good at making convincing speeches, and it helped him take over some sizable lands. So, I’m guessing martians aren’t squabbling and stabbing each other like the UFE hoped, and instead slowly getting together to slander the UFE instead, which is the opposite of what they hoped.”

“Indeed.”

“Even so, this is still stupid, unless there’s a detail you haven’t mentioned?”

“There is. Like I said before, I don’t agree with their plans, but at the very least this detail should shed some clarity to it. This time, they plan to reveal the UFE had been monitoring the Landing Castle, in search of any suspicious activity given their aggressive stance towards the UFE.”

“I think I see where this is going, and hope they’re also going to admit to monitoring other Landing Castles and can produce proof of that if asked.”

Inaho smiles. “They weren’t, but I’ve since set them on the correct path.” Which should prove useful should any of the Council have grown suspicious of Inaho's allegiance.

Slaine looks at the board pensively. “It’s still… complicated. But I suppose they can’t afford to lose the few martians on their side by murdering them. That said, if I were to choose I’d—” he pauses, then shakes his head. “Nevermind, look where I ended up, my ideas are hardly to be followed.”

“You failed due to consequences outside expectations, and your own reluctance to…” Too late Inaho remembers he should use tact, and now he can’t simply take it back. “...to stop Asseylum from making an announcement.” Or using Lemrina more.

“Rich of you to say that, you were attempting to free her.”

“I’m not saying I would have agreed with you back then, only that your hesitation, as well as luck, were why you failed, not your plans.”

“Luck? You of all people are mentioning luck? Don’t patronize—”

Maybe I should have listened more when Yuki attempted to teach me tact. “I’m not patronizing. Any result that doesn’t involve a 100% success rate, ultimately relies on a certain degree of luck. The pendant reaching Asseylum’s hands, and that being the key to jogging her memory had low probability of success. It could have just as well not succeeded, given the mathematical odds, but it did, and so luck was involved.”

Slaine snorts. “Didn’t I tell you? That pendant does wonders for other people.”

“So, what was your idea?”

“... Attack… attack a neutral party, or even an ally. Kill everyone but a martian or two that works with communication. Force them to send a distress signal to everyone, claiming they are being attacked by another faction.”

The idea is sound but… Slaine’s voice isn’t. “That wasn’t your original plan.”

“...Fine. Call Her Highness to the Deucalion. Pretend to attack it. Martians have attacked her before—oh, wait, they think that was me.” Slaine makes a complicated look but then shakes his head. “Still, no one will think the UFE is crazy enough to attack not only their one safety line with the martians, but their greatest weapon as well.”

“I see. Attempting to attack her anywhere else would be complicated as she’s well guarded. But in the Deucalion, most of her protection would be by terran staff that can be warned of the plan. However, for this to look real it would involve major casualties. No, not if it occurred during a dead spot above the ocean. No one would need to die, they could simply claim to have shot down the enemy carriers into the waters, and Asseylum’s word of what happened would do the rest.

“...Hm, thankfully the UFE doesn’t have that many loyal personnel it can risk knowing about and participating in this charade, as it would require enough people to man the Deucalion and attack. Attempting to do this with the people inside the Deucalion unawares would result in valuable loss even they cannot afford.”

“Good, then. Shall we stop for today?”

Inaho blinks, not expecting to be kicked out again. “Already?”

“Well, that was a lot of thinking, and maybe it’s better for you to rest your mind.”

“I told you, I’m completely healed.”

“So you were before, and still the problem came back after too much strain. The operation is starting soon, better not to force it already so you don’t injure yourself again.”

“My internal injuries only reached such heights due to extraneous circumstances whose probability of occurring again is below—”

“If you don’t rest, I’m telling sister Yuki you’re forcing yourself.”

“That isn’t fair,” Inaho complains, but he’s already standing up at the threat.

Slaine grins from ear to ear, making it almost worth it. “Life isn’t fair, see you tomorrow.”

“Attacking Asseylum aboard the Deucalion has a flaw,” Inaho says unceremoniously as he sits down on his usual chair the next day.

Slaine, preparing the chess board, doesn’t miss a beat. “Good day to you too. How so?”

“No martian would do it.”

“You’re well aware they’ve tried killing her twice.”

“A—” Inaho nearly said madman, but remembers in time that Slaine seems to have some fondness for Saazbaum, despite killing him. “A man with a longstanding vendetta, yes. And even then, he did it due to specific circumstances. Slaine…” Inaho hesitates. He would rather not delve into territory that may be too emotional for Slaine, but it’s a necessary segue to the other topic Inaho needs to broach with him.

“Spit it out already.”

“Have you… ever wondered why the martians agreed to stand down when Asseylum told them to, despite being on the brink of complete success?”

Slaine freezes. He then reaches out to move the first piece, hand shaking, but then thinks better of it and sits back on his chair.

“...I’ve avoided thinking on the subject. It… really made no sense to me. I always assumed that by then, it’d be too late to turn the tide.” Slaine pulls on his ponytail while avoiding eye contact. “Although not every Count had a grudge against her, that didn’t mean they were all such loyal dogs like Count Cruhteo. A lot of their adoration for her during my time was because Lemrina was saying what they wanted to hear. It did surprise me to think they’d rather forgo certain victory just to listen to her talks of peace. Even if they hated listening to a terran, surely their hatred of me wouldn’t be enough to—”

Seeing he’s going on a dangerous spiral, Inaho cuts him short. “It was because of aldnoah.”

“...What?”

Inaho is used to explaining himself. However… he thinks this much is well within Slaine’s capabilities to understand, and wants him to come to the conclusion himself. “You’ll understand if you think about it. The Emperor was extremely sick back then.”

Slaine blinks rapidly for a few seconds, then his eyes widen. “They didn’t know Lemrina existed. Meaning the only successor to aldnoah was her. If the Emperor died, she would be the only one with the power to grant aldnoah, and she could remove it as well. Count Saazbaum had no qualms attacking her, but he had Lemrina in his grasp, meaning he had a way to aldnoah even if she died.”

Inaho lets out a small smile at his expectations being met. “Precisely, which brings me to a topic I’ve been wanting to broach with you: how aldnoah works. I talked with Lemrina, and it seems martians aren’t certain of what would happen if the Emperor died.”

Slaine perks up. "That's right, I asked her to talk to you. Of course, we’re aware that when someone given aldnoah rights dies, whichever martian tech they activated will deactivate. But while a Count—or anyone given access directly by the royal family—can in turn grant an underling access to a weapon they themself have already activated, the underling is not granted the power to activate any technology on their own like one does when granted by the royal family.”

Inaho nods. “Although the founding Emperor’s son has already died, he did so along with everyone he granted access to, so martians haven’t had a chance to verify the result. Lemrina told me you believe this is the primary reason why the mastermind has been slow in moving his schemes along. I concur.”

“Yes, and, I suppose a large part of why they followed her at the critical juncture.” Slaine sighs but then shakes himself. “But the most important thing is, I remember Rayet saying she nearly killed her and you had to perform CPR…”

“I was also informed Asseylum performed CPR on you,” Inaho says, and then wonders why he’s said that now.

Slaine snorts. “What are the odds…”

“Well, I believe it would be—”

“Rhetorical question, rhetorical question! Ahem, my point being, and I know you already figured out where this is going…”

“The answer is yes. When she was strangled by Rayet, Asseylum’s heart stopped beating and needed to be restarted, during which the Aldnoah lost power.”

“Whereas I, who had been granted a one time activation access, did not lose it, being able to pilot the Tharsis afterwards. Meaning you, Lemrina and I now have the key information both the UFE and the martians all need: access granted by the royal family is not removed when they die. I take it you told her to not spread this to the organization?”

“Naturally. And she understood how grave this is. If the Counts, especially this mastermind, find out they can go against the royal family and retain the access they already have, they might have already turned against them. From what we discussed, there is no chance that anyone else was aware that you could pilot the Tharsis without Saazbaum himself aiding you.”

“Only the man himself, but he’s dead and I doubt he deemed it worth mentioning to anyone. And even if the information on what happened to the Deucalion is well known, they will never figure this out as long as Asseylum giving me CPR and then my piloting the Tharsis based on that remains secret. The problem begins when the ailing founding Emperor dies—”

He forgets to avoid her name when he’s too focused. Inaho muses as Slaine plows on.

“When they find out they can retain what power they already have, not just Asseylum’s standing, but Lemrina’s becomes precarious. They might feel there is no need for anyone of the royal family to persist… No, they’re too power hungry for that. They might implement drastic measures against the royal family harming the martian cause faster, but they wouldn’t harm Lemrina as long as she’s willing to side with them. She’d be the only hope for an increase in power, as well as removal of power for their enemies.”

Slaine crosses his arms and sighs in clear frustration. “There has to be a way we can use this knowledge to our advantage, but how? Ugh, if it were the other way round, the death would result in a removal of access, it’d be easier to plan. Just keep Asseylum and Lemrina away from the Counts when the Emperor dies and don’t give them access again…”

If it were the other way round, you’d never have been able to pilot the Tharsis and save Asseylum. But even Inaho knows not to point this out.

Instead, he finally reaches the subject matter he’d been looking forward to. ��There is… one more thing I wish to discuss pertaining to the aldnoah powers.”

“Oh?”

“I believe the loyalty clause is a falsehood.”

“... Go on.”

“I have a few examples to base my theory on. First of all, there is Count Saazbaum, he orchestrated everything over his vendetta on the royal family, therefore he can hardly be said to love or be loyal to them. Even if he had nothing against Lemrina herself, I doubt he loved her.”

“However, it could be said that at the moment of receiving aldnoah his feelings were different. It would mean you do not need to keep loyal forever to continue to have aldnoah, which is certainly a relevant find, but which I don’t doubt the mastermind has already figured out.”

“No, I meant further than that. That from the beginning, you do not need those feelings to receive it.” Inaho pauses to see if Slaine has something to say, but he only looks surprised, so Inaho continues. “Indeed, Saazbaum has a potential explanation, so let us come to my second sample: myself. When I received her blood—”

“Actually, how did you? Did you think to have an aldnoah granting ceremony before the fight as a backup measure?”

“I did not, in fact. I received her blood when I was practically unconscious. Asseylum came over to remove me from my Kataphrakt, and was shot from behind by Saazbaum.” Slaine winces, Inaho pretends he didn’t see. “Her blood flew into my mouth.”

“What are the odds…wait don’t—”

“Rhetorical question, yes, I understood it this time. I have never been loyal to Asseylum, nor was I ever in love with her. I saw her as a dear friend, nothing more. Moreover, I wasn’t in the state of mind to express any feeling at that time. And yet, I was granted aldnoah.”

“...Even if you did not see yourself loyal as a subject to their sire, you were loyal to her as a friend. And seeing her get shot in front of your very eyes would muster any feelings you were able to have at that state into horror and desire to protect her from death.”

“That seems like a forced conclusion, but we’ll go back to that. Now, it’s important to understand that once the UFE realized I had aldnoah due to ingesting her blood, experiments were done with what they could find of it.”

“I’m not surprised they’d stoop to that for a chance of acquiring it. But given that I was never met with an army of terrans using our— martian technology, this experiment must have ended in failure.”

"Precisely."

“But wouldn't that mean that fealty or love is a requirement?”

“I assumed as much… until I learned how you acquired it.”

“You don’t mean…”

“Surely you won’t tell me you were loyal or in love with her before she gave you CPR?”

“I wasn’t in love with—wait, that isn’t important right now. Ah, let me think… I might have thought she was pretty like a fairy before fainting but… indeed… I had no feelings for her yet…! But, I developed them later…”

“I’m sure you’ll agree that if you didn’t have them at that time, it wouldn’t make sense for it to lay dormant until you developed loyalty or love. After all, if it can wait for the correct emotions to be triggered, why not be canceled when those emotions are no longer there?”

“But, you yourself pointed out the UFE experiment failed!”

“Yes, and it has led me to one hypothesis. Slaine, are you aware of how one usually receives aldnoah directly from royalty? Is there a ceremony for it, for example?”

“There is, of course. The Count, ah, I mean, anyone receiving it becomes a Count, must swear his fealty in a public—”

“No, be more specific. What are the gestures, the rules, the detailed practices of it?”

“...A date is set for it. If there’s more than one person waiting for it they’ll have the ceremony together. It’s announced to the public and any family of higher standing in society must attend. It’s held in a large ballroom, with a throne set on top of some steps. The Count to receive it dresses in military gear, walks to the bottom of the steps and kneels. He will then proclaim words to demonstrate his fealty. Let’s see, Cruhteo’s was—”

“You can skip the words actually.”

“You’re the one who— fine , after he says his piece, the Emperor would stand up and slowly descend the steps until he is one step above the person. He would then receive a cup… no, wait… before that he’d lower his hand so that it’d be kissed by the person as further sign of fealty. Then he’d received a fancy cup and a fancy knife. He’d spill a bit of his blood in the cup and then allow the person to drink from it. After that—”

“Thank you, you’ve told me what I needed. Let’s go over two points then. Actually, three, I have a question: is the excerpt left by the former martians saying you need loyalty something that is widely divulged?”

“Yes, even I was told to know it by heart, despite being assured I would never have the right to receive it.”

“Very well. So next point: from what you narrated, it’s not as if a ceremony is set up and whosoever wishes to receive the power can participate. From what you’ve said, the person to go through is selected beforehand.”

“Yes. Aldnoah is not something to be foolishly spread. Anyone that receives it directly from the Emperor has to be in a role to use it in a great capacity. In other words, either someone willing to take military command, or some project for betterment of life on Mars. Therefore, the person must first make their desire for such a crucial role known, and then their worth is measured. Of course, worth just means who they’re related to, these days.” Slaine says it with a rueful smile, but then sobers up. “I think I see the point you’re trying to make with this. That loyalty is a requirement is the most well known knowledge. Therefore, anyone that isn’t assured of their own loyalty would never risk requesting aldnoah. Because if they did and then failed to receive it… they’d have set their own death sentences.”

“Indeed, the rule —and the consequences, should it be true—instills a psychological barrier that removes any undesirables from the pool of candidates. Anyone who requests it must truly believe they are loyal, at least for that moment in time.”

“But that isn’t all.”

“Yes. From the information gathered by the different failures and success, as well as what you’ve just outlined, I believe it’s possible to conclude the transfer of aldnoah has two requirements. One is blood, for a more permanent access. But before that, you must first—”

“Skin to skin contact,” Slaine says, almost catching up.

“Not quite, as that would mean anyone that has merily touched royalty would have at least the one time aldnoah access. I believe that specifically, it is the mouth to skin contact. Perhaps when in that contact, aldnoah particles are ingested via oratory or respiratory means.”

“If you love someone, you’ll likely kiss them, even if not in the mouth. And the most common form of swearing fealty is by kissing the hand…” Slaine considers out loud. “I received temporary access by being given CPR. You received it in full as you had done CPR on Asseylum and then ingested her blood. Anyone else simply trying to ingest her blood without the contact would fail. Heh, that makes perfect sense, which makes me wonder…”

“Hm?”

“Did the former civilization leave instructions in such a way as a means to protect whoever inherited the power to grant aldnoah? By masking it as loyalty and love and simply not an exchange that can be done by skin then blood, ensuring thus that people would hesitate to treat the heirs as people to respect and obey, rather than tools. Or… or are the instructions false?”

“You think the Emperor forged them?”

“He inherited it because he found aldnoah first. Perhaps, he found real instructions to aldnoah and had enough self preservation to fake… no, the whole expedition was filled with scientists, they’d have surely realized if the ancient text was not so.”

“Even if he knows the truth, I doubt he has told anyone, even Asseylum, how it truly operates.”

“...This has become both worse and better for Lemrina.”

“I understand it’d be worse since it means if anyone else comes to this conclusion, her quality of life as royalty will be in jeopardy, as one can simply lock her up somewhere and receive the power as they will. But how is it better?”

“It means it’ll be harder for someone to figure it out. If the Emperor is as sickly as you said, he’s vulnerable. All one needs is one doctor willing to hand over one frask of his blood for testing. But it’s harder for anyone to figure out they must… I’ll just call it kissing… kiss him first to initiate it.”

“So the nameless mastermind is someone you think has the power to plant a doctor by the Emperor’s side. Don’t look so worried, it’s not hard to assume the head of such an operation has that much power.”

“Fine, yes, that’s it.” Slaine clicks his tongue in annoyance. “The frustrating part is, this knowledge is all but useless. We cannot leverage this, as revealing the truth would put Lemrina at risk.”

“It’s too soon to say that. For example, we now know that Lemrina can grant aldnoah without needing the recipient to love or be loyal to her.”

“You already have permanent access, and I don’t foresee the one who gave it to you—even if by accident—attempting to take it away. I care for Lemrina, so this knowledge doesn’t change my chances. Rayet… seems to also have enough feelings for this not to matter. Harklight is likely loyal. Anyone else… would be a liability to give powers to without the conditions of love and loyalty.”

A fleeting thought comes to Inaho. However, it’s too abstract for him to quite grasp it yet. He’ll need to first think over all the new confirmed information before he can truly say if there is an usage for it or not.

“It’s also better to know the truth, even if you cannot find a use for it now. However, will you be telling others about this?”

Slaine ponders. “I think Lemrina has a right to know. She needs to understand how dangerous her standing truly is. As for Harklight, I will let Lemrina decide, and respect what she chooses. I advise leaving Rayet up to her, too.”

“That’s agreeable.”

“What about you?”

“I never involve my sister in these matters, and my friends also have no reason to be dragged into this knowledge for now. Mazuurek… no, I won’t be telling him unless there is an advantage in doing so.”

“What about her ?”

Inaho can’t help but raise an eyebrow. “I have absolutely no reason to do so.”

“You don’t think it’s important that she is aware of the danger?”

“Do you?” Inaho winces the moment he realizes he asked out loud.

“...You are, or were, much closer to her than I ever was—”

I wouldn’t have murdered an entire planet for her sake.

“And you have the option to meet her, I don’t—”

I am most certainly never asking if you do want to meet her. I won’t let you, even if you say you do.

“—so obviously it’s your choice.”

“She isn’t as sharp as Lemrina. There is nothing positive she could do with the information, but many problematic alternatives she could do with it. There is no doubt, that for both Lemrina and Asseylum’s sake, Asseylum should be kept in the dark for now.”

“...I see. Anyway, I think this is enough thinking for today.”

“I'm not unwell—”

Slaine mouths ‘sister Yuki’.

“Fine,” Inaho says in defeat, standing up. Before he can leave, however, he remembers he had something to hand Slaine. “Oh, I brought this. I can bring more material if it becomes something of interest to you.” He takes the booklet out of his bag and passes it over.

Slaine glances at the title. “ ‘Let’s Learn about the HyberGate Restoration effort ’... followed by two exclamation marks…”

“Rayet gave this to me.”

Slaine looks vaguely relieved. “Oh, that explains why you handed me something so… childish. So, you didn’t want to read it, so you fostered it to me?”

Inaho shrugs. “I haven’t had the time—”

“A transcript of how many words you say in five minutes would be longer than this booklet.”

Inaho ignores the jab. “It’s not a subject I’ve ever delved into. If you find it interesting enough and wish to pursue more in-depth material—”

“You mean, if I want something more age appropriate.”

“—perhaps I’ll also look over the topic.”

Slaine sighs, looks over the booklet cover again, then shrugs. “Fine. Thank you. I suppose there’s no harm. And it might just be a topic I can read about without needing to hide. I’m obviously not going to figure out what’s wrong with it, and should I ever escape and attempt to destroy it out of spite…” he snorts, “the UFE might just pardon me for it.”

“Alright, maybe I could use a book about the gate…”

“So it is a subject of interest.”

“I wouldn’t say so. It’s just that that booklet was so bare bones and childish on any details it left me frustrated.”

Inaho smiles but says nothing else. Slaine’s requests were mostly comprised of pictures of the outside, animals and nature. Perhaps it’s simply that anything involving mechanical information is a dangerous ground to treat, but nonetheless, it’s nice to see him expanding his interests.

He glances at the piece of paper. He doesn’t recognize the handwriting, there is no proof the claim is legitimate. And yet…

He glances at her. “And you… can’t tell me who this is?”

He watches her shift nervously, but still she refuses. “I’m sorry, I promised, sir. But… but I trust them.”

He considers where she had been. And who she is acquainted with.

No, this doesn’t like the sort of thing he would have done…

Nonetheless, even if the writer is a mystery, the information described on the paper is logical and fits the situation. Too much so.

He has a tendency to trust his gut, and it hasn’t failed him yet. He just needs to think of ways to act while seemingly innocuous.

Now, how do I time this? I should avoid implicating either of them , since I’m sure if this is true they’ll assume one of them was my source of information.

He pauses for a moment, considering again if he could possibly be the source, but quickly discards the notion.

So, I need to wait until he’s away, then make contact with… hm, but what shall I say...

“I think Harklight has mellowed out towards you.”

“Is that so? It’s hard to read him.”

Slaine laughs. “Really? He’s much easier to read than you. But yes, he definitely sees you in a better light these days. Probably thanks to sister Yuki.”

“I have noticed both seem to have taken an interest in cooking. I hope she shows signs of improving soon.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that, her cooking is fine!”

“You say that because you aren’t the target.”

“Ha, that’s where you’re mistaken. Half of what she’s making for you, she’s bringing to me.”

“... My sincere apologies, I assure you I did not approve this torture method.”

“Hey!”

“Why is Nao so mean to me?” Yuki sniffles.

“No idea, your cooking is great,” Slaine says, eating his third cake piece. Yuki beams.

“I’m so glad I have you and Harklight to taste it. I suppose it’s a younger brother thing. I should be thankful he hasn’t acted out in puberty like most boys would.”

By now used to the way Yuki switches from talking like an older sister to like a mother, Slaine simply makes comforting noises.

“But he isn’t like that with you, right? He treats you well?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, absolutely.”

“Good, good. In fact, I think you’re the one he treats best of everyone he knows, Slaine.”

Probably because I’m the only one he sent to prison then regretted it.

“Hmm.”

“You know… Slaine…”

Yuki doesn’t have a manipulative or subtle bone in her body. She’s practically telegraphing she’s about to try and widdle something from Slaine.

“Go on, you can ask me anything.” She isn’t like her brother, it should be safe to say that to—

“Has he ever talked about crushes with you?”

Or maybe not.

“Cru—you mean romantic interests?”

“Yes, has he?”

“We’ve… mentioned girls in our conversations but never in that sort of… capacity, and I never noticed his having any special interest in any of them.” Well, he had certainly been told repeatedly Inaho was never in love with Her Highness. Likely because they feared he’d react to it.

“What about boys?”

“...Boys?”

Actually… given the variety of types of girls always hovering around Inaho, from a naive princess, to battle ready assassins, it would explain why Inaho had not yet fallen for one.

“You… think he likes boys, sister Yuki?”

Yuki smiles and taps her nose. “My Nao senses are tingling.”

Slaine has heard enough to know her Nao senses are the furthest thing from reliable.

Regardless, it’s not as if he has something against it. Martian society was certainly much more lax in that regard than terran one, if only due to the significant ratio between women and men.

So why did his heart just race?

“Slaine, may I ask something that may be inappropriate?”

“Is it about boys?”

“...What?” Inaho actually drops the piece he was moving.

“Sorry! Just… got confused with a conversation I had recently. To answer your question, it depends. Ask and I’ll decide if I’ll answer.”

“...When and how did you get those scars? Precisely?”

“Why?”

“If I know how old they are, and the cause, I may be able to find the appropriate treatment for them.”

“...Leave them be Inaho, you’ve seen their state, you’re not going to make them go away.”

“But perhaps decreasing their size and inflammation might help alleviate—”

“Leave it.”

“I understand. So… what were you referring to, when you said boys?”

“Your sister was trying to find out if you’d told me about anyone you like.”

“By ‘like’ I assume you mean anyone I may have a romantic interest towards.” Inaho sighs and closes his eyes momentarily. “Yes, that does sound like something Yuki would pry into.”

“Right, when I said you never sounded in love with any of the girls we talk about she… mentioned boys?”

“...”

“I heard terran society is complicated, but martian society is very open about this sort of thing. It’s why our plan on your fake feelings might work.”

“I don't see the objective of this line of questioning. I’ll tell Yuki to cease with the questions. If I had anything I wished to report to her, I’d have done so directly.”

“Right. I just mean. Regardless of gender, I’m here locked up away from most people you know. If you need someone to pour your heart to. I’m good at keeping secrets, I won’t even tell sister Yuki.”

“How… reassuring. But I sincerely do not have any feelings that I wish to, as you put it, pour my heart out about.”

Slaine leans forward to try and pat Inaho in the back. Realizing he can’t quite reach over the table, he settles for patting his shoulder awkwardly.

Inaho has a suspicion that is far too probable. However…

Considering the rate of success, he’ll corner Rayet first, before confronting his sister. Since this time Slaine will be leaving along with him, there is no danger of her saying something in his absence.

“Change of plans, they’ve pushed forward the departure date.” Inaho says.

“How soon? Oh,” Slaine notices the equipment Inaho and Harklight are carrying in. “This soon, then.”

Harklight takes out a wig from a box without bothering to hide his distaste.

“It seems they’ve been able to move more than they’d hoped to the correct location. That and there are fears taking too long may get the operation discovered. They believe after the report on your behavior last time, you can be trusted to behave aboard the Deucalion for a while longer than before.”

“With the collar on, naturally.”

“Naturally.”

Harklight’s face darkens. “This will mean you’ll be in danger for longer.”

Slaine shrugs and tries to give him a reassuring smile. “They’re not going through all this effort just to press that button easily, Harklight, so don’t be worried. Besides, I’d like to think of the positive side of this.”

“Which is?” Harklight and Inaho manage to ask in unison.

Slaine gives them a bright smile. “I am finally boarding the Deucalion.”

Which, truly, was something he was looking forward to.

All those years of war had turned Inaho into a figure to focus his hatred on, but now he’d become a regular person.

But the Deucalion… even now it still held a place of mysticism in Slaine’s heart.

He’d tried to board it after Asseylum and had been shot down. Which had brought Cruhteo’s ire on him, which then led him to Saazbaum.

It was the Deucalion that kept Her Highness safe after her murder attempt, and it was also the Deucalion that thwarted his plans again and again, up to the very end.

Whole Landing castles had fallen, along with the most advanced of martian technology, but the Deucalion withstood it all and even today remained operational.

Of course, he knew there was little wonder to be found inside. Most of its glory was due to its aldnoah drive, giving it a leverage no other terran tech had, and its crew taking orders from Inaho.

Still, there was something meaningful about soon boarding it. Moreso at the irony of Inaho being forced to let him board now, when he hadn’t back then.

No, perhaps he wants it to be a disappointing experience. To bury another meaningful part of the war years in the mundane.

The journey is unpleasant, but Slaine doesn’t complain.

He certainly makes jabs at his disguise, but makes sure to have no reaction when the collar is put on. He doesn’t want Harklight more upset than he already is, nor for Inaho to become so.

It’s not as if the collar is any different than his time with Cruhteo, in a way. He could have been killed at any second, and only Cruhteo’s insistence in trying to please Asseylum had kept his head attached, even if that had not stopped the abuse. The collar is but a visual reminder of what Slaine has been used to for most of his life: a false move and he’s done.

The journey is vastly different from the last one. This time they put him in a small crate. Inaho almost tried to complain, but Slaine jumped inside before he could even try. Inaho should know better than to complain over something that would never be changed.

And so his journey was as forgettable as it was uncomfortable. Hours upon hours locked alone inside a small crate.

Still, the last leg of it turned out to be worth every minute: they opened the crate and put him in a small boat. Certainly, it was nighttime and he couldn’t really see around him, but the scent and sound of the sea, as well as the wind in his face, were enough. He’d have liked to reach and touch the water, but knew better than to move in a suspicious way in front of the guards.

There is the fewest possible illumination on the pier and runway, and even then, the guards practically march him inside without pause.

That is fine, Slaine had the outside of the Deucalion memorized long ago and does not need to linger on it now to know what it looks like.

“... What .”

It’s an uncouth reaction, but it’s all Klancain can muster.

The underling that brought him the news is visibility cowering. “S-Sir, I said—”

Klancain lifts a finger to shut him up, even as his other hand reaches to massage in between his brows. “I heard you quite clearly the first time.” And he cannot handle hearing the report even once more.

“W-We can...” The man visibly gulps, “we can surely track their trajectory—”

“No need,” Klancain snaps, “I know exactly where they’re headed.”

“Do you wish to attempt communications, sir?”

“I have an inkling it won’t go through. Dismissed ."

The door barely closes shut and Klancain is already collapsing on a chair.

Mazuurek, what have you done?

Given the current time, and how long it must have taken to realize the situation and report to him… there was nothing he could do to stop the incoming… collision.

Inaho Kaizuka, Slaine Troyard, there is little I can do on my end this time. If you can escape this with Troyard intact, I will do my part but… first you’ll have to get through this.

Inaho wishes he had the analytical machine to once again make up for his own lack of ability in analyzing body posture.

He couldn’t speak to Slaine during the ground transportation, nor could he risk much in the boat with the guards less than a meter away and constantly keeping watch.

Slaine seems to have taken the journey well; he’s not pale or shaking, but Inaho wishes he could be certain of it already.

Analyzing it logically, the chances that he is truly fine are high. As a pilot, claustrophobia is not an issue for him. He has no history of fearing the dark, so it wasn’t traumatic. And he has a love for the ocean, so that part must have lifted his spirits.

They’re marched through the back and into empty corridors.

Pointless, the crew will see Slaine soon enough.

They’re nearing the main war room when the ground suddenly lurches. The certain sign that the Deucalion has now taken off.

Inaho watches in amusement as the two guards lose their footing and stumble, grabbing at the walls, while he and Slaine keep their balance easily.

Slaine glances at him, smiles and winks before going back to a blank expression just as the guards manage to regain their footing.

So he is fine, good. It would, however, be better for his feelings if Slaine never winked at him again.

They knock on the war room door and a brusque voice tells them to come in.

“Ah, and here’s the star of the show! Welcome back, Arne Gunhild,” Captain Abbott stands behind the desk, face not showing any of the welcome his words may have implied.

He turns to the guards before either Inaho or Slaine have a chance to reply. “You two had your work cut out for you—”

Hardly.

“Why don’t you two go and rest for now? I kept this boy in line last time, and we’ll have a nice little talk to make sure he does the same again.”

The two guards don’t hesitate to take the offer and leave.

Abbott then turns to Inaho. “You’re free to go rest too.”

“I’m fine staying here.”

The general rolls his eyes. “Of course you are. You look like someone comfortable with a stick up your ass.”

Slaine’s impassive expression breaks as he tries to hold in his snort of laughter and fails.

“Well, I suppose you might as well stay a bit, I do have some information you’re going to need to hear. So, it looks like with each passing day, the UFE assumes you’re dumber and dumber, Troyard. Did they honestly think you’d risk fleeing before entering the UFE’s one and only victory weapon? This rushed take off is ridiculous. Well, anyway, do you two want the bad or the good news first?”

“Captain, we’re receiving a signal.”

“What?”

Captain Magbaredge quickly goes to the panel to view the signal herself, wary.

Certainly, the Deucalion’s location is not a secret, but they had chosen a route with as little to no air traffic as possible. And this location that they’d decided on to pick up Slaine, specifically, had to be deserted.

And yet, now they were picking up a large object coming up fast in their direction.

What could possibly fly towards us without previous clearance from the UFE?

“Captain, they’re sending a message.”

“Show me,” Magbaredge demands, though she feels a little better with that. If the incoming ship is attempting contact first, then this may not be an assault. Nonetheless, given Slaine is now part of their cargo…

She reads the transmission, her eyes going wide, along with the rest of the crew that hears it.

“We can’t!” Mizusaki bursts out.

“Refusal would be too suspicious,” Magbaredge states grimly.

Is this a coincidence? Doubtful. But it can’t be one of Kaizuka Junior’s plots…

“...Allow it. We have no other recourse. However,” she raises her voice to make sure her orders are clear. “Do not report this yet.”

“Captain?”

“You heard me. This information does not leave the Deucalion. Do not panic, I don’t plan to hide this for long. Let us simply wait until they board and make contact. We’ll hear what they have to say personally before informing the UFE. Understood? ”

Satisfied by the various shouts of yes ma’am she receives as a reply, Magbaredge turns back to look at the screen, feeling the start of a headache coming.

This is as far as I can do for you. I've bought you all the time I can afford to give you, but the rest will depend on you, Junior.

“I think the time wasted asking us which we prefer is—”

“Good news first,” Slaine interrupts the incoming monologue, before Abbott can lose his patience.

“Smart boy. So, I assume you’ve been at least told the gist of this new, wonderful , operation?”

“We are to be taken to an abandoned site that, as we speak, is being supplied with weapons and people. From there we will attack another Count.”

“I doubt that’s all Kaizuka told you, but I don’t give a damn. Yes, that is basically it. So, the thing is, The UFE Council can’t exactly go around telling everyone that works for them about their cowardly plans. So, we do have a reduced crew we can trust. Now, the vast majority of that trusty crew is busy preparing the base of operations as fast as they can without being discovered. Which brings me to the good news for you, Slaine Troyard. Less eyes trailing behind you, because the few people we’ve got in the Deucalion have their own shit to do.”

Slaine doesn't bother to feel happy. “I can't imagine being trusted to freely run around the Deucalion.”

“Precisely. And that, my boy, brings us to the bad news. While you won’t be stalked as much, any room that may be even remotely valuable will either remain manned or locked at all times. I know giving you the map sounds like idiocy, but I want you to familiarize yourself with the layout as soon as possible and… and I cannot stress this enough… stay the fuck away from the central control room . If you so much as sneeze near the outside of the aldnoah drive room while alone, my fingers might accidently press the switch on your collar. Stick to the common areas. Hell, feel free to go to the roof and enjoy the sky for all I care. But stay away from that drive .”

“Yes, sir, I wasn’t planning on doing anything, sir.”

“Like your word could possibly be enough to make this okay. This whole situation feels like a suicide mission. Put the one guy with every reason to enact suicidal vengeance on us inside the UFE’s prized treasure and main defense again martians. As if that wasn’t risky enough, make sure to keep Inaho Kaizuka within strangling length at all times— which is a problem because he is still a useful strategist, of course.”

Slaine blinks, noticing the slight hesitation, followed by a faster pace of speaking. As if Abott had just said something and regretted doing so.

Why…? Ah, he realized I might not be aware Inaho is the one that is powering the aldnoah drive .

“My point is, although you will deal with fewer interactions on your day to day, you and your keeper over here must make sure to avoid any and all critical areas of the Deucalion at all times. Understood? You look like you think this is a debate club, Kaizuka, and that now it’s your turn. I'm not asking for your opinion, I’m asking if you understand the rules which you will follow as long as we’re here.”

“...I understand.”

“Good, Slaine?”

“I understand, sir.”

“Smart boy.” He sighs and moves from behind the table to pat Slaine’s shoulders, voice softening. “It’s a pity I can’t really like seeing your face, given the circumstances which we meet, you’d make a good soldier. Now,” his voice sharpens again as he looks at Inaho.

Inaho is unbothered by the different treatment. If anything, he is glad the General is even slightly on Slaine’s side, even if he seems to dislike Inaho himself.

“You haven’t talked to the Captain yet, go greet her properly. You can come back to escort Slaine to his chambers after you’ve done so.”

“I can greet her later.”

“And drag along Slaine to the control bridge? One of the critical places I just warned you about? No, you’ll do so now, since I want to have a private chat with him. What are you hesitating for? If I wanted to hit him I’d do it in front of you. Out .”

Slaine wonders if Inaho is still standing there because of what happened with Miers. Abbott, however, clearly has no such intentions. He turns to Inaho and tries to give him the subtlest of nods. Thankfully Inaho seems to understand, and proceeds to leave.

“I’ll be back soon,” he says as a parting shot.

Abbott snorts and crosses his arms. “As protective as always, maybe more so, I heard there was an incident?”

“...There was, sir.”

“Hm, yeah, they told me you thankfully saw the light and realized escaping was not in your best interest.”

“Exactly, sir.”

“Bullshit, I think you stayed behind because Kaizuka was injured. Oh, don’t fret. Let me be honest with you here, the only reason I agreed to this lunacy of a plan is the relationship you two have. You see—”

Behind him, Slaine hears the sound of the door opening. Abbott straightens up and turns to it, irate.

“Who the fuck dares to—”

He cuts himself with a strange choking noise, eyes almost comically wide.

Before Slaine’s curiosity is enough to break his military training and have him turn around, someone answers, and his vision blurs .

“Oh, am I interrupting? I’m so sorry! I was looking for Inaho…”

Slaine can hear the rush of blood in his veins even as he starts to have trouble breathing.

No matter how much time has passed, he can still recognize Asseylum’s voice.

Notes:

-THE NEXT CHAPTER IS DONE: don’t panic worrying how long it’ll take me to get you guys out of this cliffhanger. AThe next chapter is done, all it needs is revisions and beating and will be posted in at most a month from now. This chapter actually took longer to come out because I wanted to guarantee I would not go on hiatus yet again after this cliffhanger. I know I have been awful to you guys, but even I wouldnt go so low with you. Also I waited 3 days to post this one because I thought the cliffhanger deserved a friday the 13th posting date-If how Asseylum came to be there, as well as certain scenes, are not clear. Fear not, they will be properly explained next chapter-However, if why Klancain and even Magbaredge are so worried isn’t clear… while this will also be expanded upon next chapter I will leave this for now: do you think the UFE wants the risk of a live Slaine so near Asseylum?-And with this comes my interpretation of how aldnoah has to work, for what happened in the series to not be a plothole.-Thank you to people who continue to read and even leave comments despite how long I’ve been taking. You guys are the reason I keep trying to come back.

#aldnoah.zero #aldnoah zero #orangebat #inasure #slaine troyard #inaho kaizuka #az fic: in carcere #my fic

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starlit-dreaming · 9 months

Text

ITBOMM Extras/Drafts + Announcement

Fandom: WMMAP Rating: G Ship: Eventual Lucathy, Felily, Calena, and more Note: the Twin Sibling AU that i tried so hard not to write, but i DID, so naturally i have to call myself out for writing it. will be cross-posted on ao3 and wattpad under the same title

A/N: oof this chapter kinda ran outta my hands and went from 4k to 5k+ lmao i also sort of just glossed over some details, but i’ll eventually go a little more in-depth at a later time

Arc 1: Beginning of the End 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

Arc 2: Of Princes and Villainesses 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21

Side Story: maybe, i’m afraid (verena/athanasios) 1 | 2

[Extras/Rewrite Announcement]

A/N:

Long time since my last update, and I will apologize for that since I didn't expect it to have been that long since then lmao

I've been rewriting ITBOMM!!!!!!

The reason for this is because there's a lot of scenes that I wanted to write, and a lot of storybuilding that I didn't have back then that I do now. There's a lot of interactions that I never got to write out prior to the timeskips, and there's a lot of relationships I'd like to better establish instead of just tossing everyone into the scenes in one chapter.

I'll be posting the rewrite under a new story as "re: in the back of my mind" and I'll be changing the title of this fic to ITBOMM. I'll be posting extra scenes, my outline, etc here, and mark it as complete.

CW: There is a scene where someone commits suicide. For those who wish to avoid it, I will be marking it as *** and ending the scene with the same marking. It isn't explicit and detailed, but I will still be marking it.

————————————————————

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear — or so the saying goes. He didn’t expect Odysseus to actually start attending their music lessons together, but he supposes that it doesn’t actually matter in the end. It should be a blessing in disguise, since it meant he could get to know the kid and regain some memories.

Should be, in theory.

Rather, what matters is how awkward Athanase feels when it comes to hanging out with a future anti-monarchy revolutionary leader, since his mother had stepped out of the room for several minutes. If you don’t see the issue with this, then allow me to paint the problem:

They were alone together. A member of the monarch’s family, and a future anti-monarch revolutionary.

“What did Your Highness say to make Lady Durk cry?” Odysseus had asked after a short while of silence. He seemed curious, despite his blank stare and monotone voice. Maybe he was just as bored as Athanase is, since they were both reading music scores and doing nothing but reviewing what they had just gone over while Countess Nightingale was out discussing something with Felix.

It was naïve of Athanase to think that nobody would’ve found out about Autumn. Felix was one thing, but if anyone else saw her crying, they’d think he was turning out to be more like his father, maybe. They knew Felix would keep his mouth shut, but if it were anyone else who saw her cry, word would spread like fire. For both of their sakes, he hoped she got away without being seen, but apparently not.

Still… it could’ve been worse. Odysseus was asking in a one on one conversation, without anyone else. Countess Nightingale didn’t seem like a blabbermouth, and the maids value their own life to gossip about the Imperial Prince’s playmate with other nobles around.

So that limited the amount of people who saw. Maybe Irene saw the crying and decided to get her brother to pry into the matter? It made sense…

At least it wasn’t his father — he’d probably ask if Athan found her to be a displeasing friend.

“Huh?” He blinked owlishly, trying to look as confused as he hoped he did. “What’re you talking about, Sir Odysseus? Why would big sis Verena cry?”

Athan was pretty fucking adorable — he knew this and was confident about this fact. He and Athy were blessed with damn good genes. Maybe, on a very slim chance, Odysseus would think he’s a cute and harmless person and that Autumn didn’t actually cry because of him.

“Hmm.”

Maybe his adoration for Ferdie was too strong. How the hell could anyone remain indifferent to his cute face?

. . .

Ah, he spoke too soon, Athanase thought, his eyes noticing the slightest red hue gracing Odysseus’ cheeks. The boy in question simply looked away as he muttered under his breath.

“Well… deserved…”

…?

Did he just scoff? His eyes had looked away, but Athanase could sense that there was a hint of scorn in his muttered voice. He was curious about what Odysseus actually said, but…

If he didn’t know any better, it sounded an awful lot like…

No, it couldn’t be.

Odysseus may be OOC for a character in Toska, but he was still a kid. Granted, no kids to his memories were ever really polite and cordial for the most part, but this was a world with a nobility setting.

(“Would you call me crazy, if I told you that I went back in time?” or so implies whatever character in a cliché rofan manhwa scenario.

Athanase waves the thought away.)

“I don’t know what you think might’ve happened, Sir Odysseus,” Athanase simply smiled. “Care to share your thoughts?”

“Ah, it was simply my imagination, Your Highness,” Odysseus politely responded with an obviously fake smile attached with the false pleasantries. “Forgive me for misunderstanding what happened. I was rather concerned if Lady Durk offended the Imperial Family.”

The way Odysseus apologized felt as if he were mocking him, especially with that twinkle in his eyes. He seemed greatly amused, actually. And it sounded like he himself saw her cry.

Maybe he wanted to know if his “rival” was out of the picture. Or miserable, depending on who he’s obsessed with.

Athan wanted none of Odysseus’ drama-starting shit.

‘He’s more of a brat than I thought,’ Athan absentmindedly thought, instead opting to refocus on his music sheet.

——————————

He could feel eyes staring at him, bearing into his soul.

A glance up, with a smile on his face, he sees his father, looking at him from where he sat at the dining table. Judging by the fact that Athy was nowhere to be seen, it was just Athan who arrived early.

“Good morning, papa!” Athan greeted sweetly, giving him a proper bow before moving to take his seat.

When he sits down he notices his father staring at him. Despite seeming expressionless, he couldn’t help but sense an unspoken displeasure.

Strange, did Athan do something wrong?

‘Maybe he just hates seeing my face as opposed to Athy,’ Athan absentmindedly thought, feeling a pang of bitter disappointment. It was hard not to hate his sister, even though she hadn’t done a damn thing.

The doors open up and in walks Felix holding Athanasia, who he promptly lets down after a glare from his father. He watches her dart around the table, the slightest blur of blonde heading towards their father, giving the man in question a hug.

Huh. When did Athy start getting so affectionate with him?

——————————

Interacting with Athy is, to put it bluntly, weird.

The realization that the original Athanasios hated his older sister made it hard to think of her as the same dumbass sister he cared about. On top of that, the loss of his twin telepathy made it difficult for him to understand her thought process now as if they were strangers. Knowing her, she was probably screeching profanities at him for ignoring her, since she didn’t know what was happening.

Her thoughts were always so loud, too…

Losing the telepathy was a huge blow, because now it left them with only one faucet of their personalities. He had a role to play as a sweet and gentle musician genius, while Athy was a cheerful and friendly prodigy who enjoyed learning. Their telepathy allowed them to just be two young adults in the same unfortunate circumstance.

But, he didn’t want to reconcile with her, if he had to be honest. It was necessary for the sake of convenience, yes, but unwanted.

Unlike him, Athanasia was “complete” in his eyes. She wasn’t burdened by lack of memories, she wasn’t shackled with comparisons purely by being recognized as a genius. Maybe she was the golden child, favoured by looking the most and acting like their mother.

His sister was not controlled by her memories and lack thereof. Not like he was, with his obsession with memories.

Even so, their conversation was inevitable.

He knew it was, and with most of his memories all over the place, he just didn’t want to talk about it. Talking about his lack of memories would only invite questions that he couldn’t answer, questions that he himself wasn’t ready to hear.

‘She doesn’t need to know that this is my third life,’ he concludes, ‘But I’ll tell her about Autumn, otherwise she’ll be too wary of her being so close to me. She already wasn’t happy about me going to Arlanta, either, but Felix managed to get his foot in the door negotiation-wise.’

Felix opens the door, allowing him to poke his head in and see his sister and her playmate.

“Athy, can I play with you?” Athan asked rather sweetly with a smile. “Big sis Verena wanted to talk to Lucas.”

“Of course, Athan!” Athy cheered, smile wide and clearly fake.

Lucas only raised a brow at the odd request from Autumn, but Athan supposed it was justified. Lucas was an outlier, and Autumn wanted to figure out if he really is an unrelated person to this world.

Maybe he’s a transmigrator like them, Athan truthfully considered. Like an OC in fanfics — original characters were a hit or miss with him, but he often made exceptions if he was desperate for a fanfic. Lucas seemed like a cliché self-insert OC — black hair and red eyes, a classic combo that would only be a better fit if he was a mysterious stranger with a tragic backstory…

Focus.

“Why have you been ignoring me?” Athy frowned, puffing up her cheeks in clear displeasure. “Ever since I woke up, you never talk to me like normal!”

“Me ignoring you?!” Athan scoffed. “You’re one to talk! You’ve been acting like I don’t even exist!”

“What?”

“What?” he hissed. “What part of that don’t you understand? You’re the genius here.”

——————————

‘Autumn, where are you?!’ Athanase panicked, calmly taking a sip of tea. ‘How do I deal with your obsessive gay son?!’

‘Bitch — where am I? Where the fuck’re you?!’

Autumn’s thoughts practically screeched at him from across the Marquisate.

——————————

Ferdinand Milford is a surprisingly chatty kid. It often grated on his nerves, but oddly enough, there were moments where he did feel fond of Ferdie’s dumb comments. Maybe the original Athanasios was much more familiar with the guy?

He almost reminded him of Athanasia, whenever she tried to urge him to tag along with her.

How was she adjusting to life without him, especially without the telepathy?

Maybe it’s for the best that he doesn’t know.

——————————

“I don’t get it,” Athanase frowned. “I said the same thing word for word as I remembered, but it only made her angry.”

“Did you do anything different?” Autumn asked.

“Not that I can remember,” he shook his head.

“Well surely you must’ve done something,” Autumn wearily said with a wry smile, finally looking over to him. “Charlotte dislikes men, and yet according to your memories, you and our families were the exceptions.”

“But I really didn’t do anything different…”

“That may be, but you need to remember that you’re not the same person any more. You experienced a childhood where you are loved and cherished. Even if she, too, is cherished by her loved ones, maybe you won’t be able to relate to her at all in this life because you’re no longer the same as you once were.”

He hated that thought — a small part of him desperately wanted to know more about Charlotte.

It was a rather ugly feeling.

“I don’t want that,” he quietly admits. “I want to see her smile.”

“You’re surprisingly stubborn about this,” Autumn blinked.

“I don’t remember much, but she was important to me.”

——————————

“I… don’t want to have a painful death.”

She is a beauty beyond compare, though her face was sickly pale with chapped lips. He tries not to note the lack of red hues her lips used to have, nor did he say much as his hands cupped her cold hands. Her eyes are beautiful, but they are now muted orange-yellow sunsets — he still loves them, he still loves her, but it breaks his heart to see her in so much pain.

“Wouldn’t that be nice? Surely you agree, dear.”

“Yeah,” he quietly says, placing his hand next to her as she laid in bed and watching her weakly bring his hand to cup her cheek.

“Do you think I’m being horrid for thinking my family is selfish, love? For saying such horrid things. Mother and father keep telling me to hold on a little longer and have faith,” she weakly huffed. “Sister-in-law keeps telling me that she’ll find someone to save me, and then my elder brother insists that I’ll survive this ordeal, even though he looks away as though ashamed.”

“No,” he wryly smiles, running his fingers through her long blonde hair, watching as her shoulders relax. “I would say the same, if I were plagued with this cursed affliction without a known cure.”

“Truly, my beloved understands me best,” she smiles in return, and he notices how her eyes grow misty. “Am I terrible, having these bad thoughts? For wanting them to cut it out and be realistic?”

“Of course not,” his eyes softened. “They’re trying to handle the situation by having hope, but it’s hurting you the most.”

“I know they mean well,” she states as tears begin to fall. “But it makes me feel all the more guilty for leaving them.”

“Yeah, I know,” he nods, taking his handkerchief out as he wipes away her tears.

——————————

“I will leave you and the princess be — I won’t even try to covet her holy beast. In exchange, I ask that you don’t interfere with the wish I must grant.”

“And whose wish are you talking about?”

“Why, my princess, of course. Isn’t it obvious?” she smiled at him. “Even if she’s not the same person, I must accomplish what’s been asked.”

——————————

“Would you hate me,” [][][][][][][][][] had started, looking off into the horizon, “If I were to be consumed by my short-sighted quest for revenge? If I abandon my ideals of knighthood in exchange for the power it takes to defeat those who have wronged us? If I were to ever become the monster that I had sought to destroy… what would happen, if I stray?”

He raised his hand to cup [][][][][][][][][]’s cheek, speaking gently, tenderly, “I would kill you myself.”

His eyes softened.

“Good.”

——————————

***

She sits on the windowsill, calm and quiet as the wind brushes through her long pale blonde hair. The weight of her dress fell at her sides, a clear indication that she was skinnier than before. Her face sullen, and the skin of her hands had hugged her so that he could see the bone structure.

So, he dimly thinks as realization creeps up on him as if it had always been a known fact. This was the reason why she was hiding away. Up in a room away from everyone in the mansion.

[][][][][][][][][] twirled a flower between her fingers. If anyone from noble society saw her now, they might actually believe her to be a mere ghost, waiting for her time to come.

“[][][][][][],” he quietly says, watching as his beloved wistfully twirls the flower in her hand.

“Ah. I’ve been caught.”

Despite the nonchalant response, she looked rather guilty.

Guilty about taking off without him, he knows.

“You’re leaving.”

It was not a question.

[][][][][][] doesn’t smile at him, and instead wistfully smiles at the flower in her hand.

A precious and pretty flower that will soon wither away.

(She, too, will wither away.)

“I am glad that it was you who found me, and not another soul, my dove.”

He was speechless.

She was now leaving.

She was now leaving by choice.

“Maybe in another life, we would have had a chance,” [][][][][][] bitterly chuckles, her eyes dull from losing its vibrant shine, her dry pale lips curled like wilted flowers.

The sun was shining behind her, illuminating her presence.

She was beautiful, as always, forever in his eyes.

Always tragically beautiful.

“Maybe next time,” she breathes.

At that moment, she finally looks at him, properly then.

“Maybe next time,” he smiles at her, because that’s what she would want to see in her final moments, and she smiles back, elation clear in her eyes.

That was it, he thinks, that’s the smile he longed to see.

. . .

And then she…

And then, she was gone.

“Maybe next time,” he tells himself, finally crumpling to the ground as the tears pour out and his smile withers away.

Maybe next time, he would’ve had the strength to save her from herself.

Maybe next time.

***

——————————

‘What the fuck do I do?!’ Autumn internally screamed, clutching her teacup as Claude’s eyes bore into her.

‘Spit it out!’ Athan cried. ‘Spill the tea!’

Without much thought, Verena coughed, her tea spilling onto her.

“Are you okay, Lady Verena?!” Lady Iris, who was seated at her side, immediately reached out her handkerchief to Autumn.

“Ah… my apologies,” Autumn demurely stated, taking the handkerchief calmly, despite the internal screaming that only Athanase could hear. “I didn’t expect the tea to be as bitter as it was, so the fault lies with me…”

“We’ll just have to make sure there’s more sugar next time for you, Lady Verena,” Athan smoothly stated as he smiled at her before looking at Claude who continued to stare on with a frown. “Papa, may I be excused, so I can show Lady Verena where the dressing rooms are?”

Claude didn’t bother to hide his displeasure, as he narrowed his eyes at Autumn with the most loathsome look. “You are to return as soon as you’re done,” he stated with a more neutral look as his focus returned to Athanase, looking rather disinterested despite Felix seeming to hold back a laughing fit. “There will be no delays.”

“Of course, papa!” Athan chirped as he and Autumn left the room.

. . .

“So scary!” Autumn let out a heavy gasp as she leaned against Athan’s shoulder the moment the doors closed. “If looks can kill, I’d be dead again!”

“Chill, bro. You’re overreacting,” Athan rolled his eyes at her dramatics as he snapped his fingers, instantly cleaning the tea stains. She shot him a confused look. “Dad doesn’t know yet, but I’ve been getting better at magic.”

“He’s gonna murder me in cold blood if he finds out I know that fact before him,” Autumn cried, her face getting red and blotchy. “I have to walk on eggshells if I value my life.”

“Yeah, yeah, wallow about my so-called tsundere dad,” Athan shook his head at her dramatics. “I’ll at least walk you to the dressing room before I leave you alone, so you can focus on planning your funeral.”

“How nice,” Autumn pouted, wiping her eyes with the handkerchief Iris gave. “A companion until my demise.”

——————————

“Dance with me,” Autumn says, looking at him softly. “Stop thinking about it, about them, and just savour the moment we have in this peace and quiet.”

“…I don’t think I can do that.”

“I understand that you have a broken heart,” Autumn whispered, placing her hand over his. “And you can cry all you’d like, but it helps to grieve over something that wasn’t meant to be bit by bit.”

“…you sound like you’ve had your own heart broken.”

“Yes,” Autumn softly murmured. “My heart never stood a chance.”

When did she get a broken heart? She never told him anything in their past life.

“You sound as if you were in love.”

“I was.”

“Who was it?”

“…someone who had no future.”

——————————

“It’s difficult being bisexual in a noble society where it just doesn’t seem to be the norm,” Verena sighed.

“Try being an actual member of the royal family and bisexual. Athy keeps teasing me about the gentlemen — not sure why she’s not teasing me about my potential suitors, but I’m thankful that she hasn’t,” Athan dryly stated. “What’s up with everyone, anyway? There’s not a single ugly person out of all the people I’ve encountered,” he looked at Verena and wrinkled his nose in distaste. “Including you, too.”

“As a marriage candidate of yours, I suppose I should be grateful you think of me to be attractive,” Autumn pursed her lips, obviously displeased at his compliment. “You’re not a sight for sore eyes either, unfortunately.”

“It’s called having good genes,” Athanase dryly stated. “Is there an actual reason you were wistfully sighing over your sexuality?”

“Lilian York,” Autumn simply stated as Felix awkwardly tried to ignore their conversation. Briefly, Athan pitied the guard, but also, he found it quite amusing to watch him feign ignorance in the aftermath of all his conversations with Autumn.

Felix was interested in Lily, wasn’t he? It would be fun to try and tease him…

But still.

“My nanny?” he raised a brow. “Really?”

“She’s young, she’s single, she’s devoted,” Autumn huffed, placing a hand on her hip. “She’s pretty, she’s very sweet and kind, she’s mother material—”

“—Alright, you’ve made your point,” he interrupted, pinching the bridge of his nose. “And you’ve also made it abundantly clear that you’ve no interest in anyone in our generation. It’s not like you can make it even more clear.”

He froze.

That sounded like a challenge.

Athan did not intend to challenge her.

For a moment, Autumn is quiet. There’s a sinking feeling in his chest, as if he’ll loathe this conversation for years to come. They make eye contact.

“Don’t—” Athan hissed.

“Duke Robain,” Autumn seriously stated as Felix immediately choked and stared at them in baffled disbelief. Athan didn’t blame him, he would’ve reacted the same way if Autumn mentioned his own father. Even then, his father wouldn’t be too terrible of an answer since Duke Robain was likely in his 50s-60s by now. To an outsider, it would simply make Autumn seem as if she were into grandparents.

She probably would’ve said his father’s name, if she didn’t value her own life. It was fortunate that she gave no fucks after Felix found out about her interests in mothers and fathers.

Still, he made a face, wrinkling his nose as he very much judged her blatant disregard for manners.

“Can you not?”

“Duke Robain.”

He heaved a heavy sigh, deliberately choosing to ignore her as he takes a sip of his tea.

“Duke. Robain.”

“I heard you the first time, and I prefer to leave it at that,” Athan flatly shot back, placing his cup of tea back down. “Now, will you kindly shut up?”

She did not kindly shut up.

“He’s gorgeous, Prince Athanase!” Autumn seemed to practically swoon. “Duke Robain is my ideal man. The silver-grey is a lovely combination with his red hair, and his voice is just—!” Autumn squealed. “And he’s just so gentlemanly.”

“Duke Robain is, what, three times our physical age, now?” he rubbed his temple, feeling a headache creeping in. “And need I remind you that we haven’t even debuted yet, at the very least?”

“He’s only, like, 45, last I recall,” Autumn confidently stated. Well shit, there goes his guess. He keeps forgetting that high society’s wack like that with their marriages and crap. “And Duke Robain has yet to remarry. And you debut in four years — we have time. I need to plan a memorable first meeting!”

“Right…” he slowly spoke, his eyes trailing away from his companion and over to Felix, who appeared very much horrified by the conversation and very much wishing he never heard a word. “Good luck with that, I suppose.”

——————————

“Don’t!” Odysseus had shouted, trying to cover Athanase’s face. “Don’t look!”

“Sir Odysseus…?”

“Please… don’t try to remember.”

As if mocking Odysseus, the flames roared, a scream accompanying it.

And Athan, he… he…

He blacks out.

. . .

Everything ached in a way that felt unfamiliar to him.

He hears the cackling fire and frowns, opening his eyes. The room was getting uncomfortably warm, and he couldn’t move much, nor could he speak.

And that’s when he sees it — a fire burning the building, reaching towards him in an agonizingly slow pace. He tried to break away, only to realize that he was tied to a chair, with a piece of cloth over his mouth.

He tried to squirm, but it was no use—

It was only then that he heard a faint shout, screaming for him.

That very same person had reignited the hope he had lost in the midst of despair.

“[][][][][][][][]! Please, answer me! Your Highness, Prince—”

——————————

“You don’t even like physical labour!” Athan stated in clear exasperation.

“Just because I don’t want to be a swordsman doesn’t mean I’m not interested in the art as a writer!” Verena argued back as Athy watched them, taking a sip of her tea as she watched the two argue. “Besides, knights who can use magic are sexy and popular in literature nowadays!”

“You just want to write a love story involving a prince and a knight,” Athan shot back. “You even wrote that smut fic involving, well, you know.”

“That’s not true! That’s not true!” Verena screeched, covering her ears as she pointedly avoided eye contact.

“Says FFN User Starshine-Dreaming!”

“No, no, no!” Verena cried. “Drop it! I stopped writing on FFN for a reason, Athan! When in heavens are you finally going to stop reminding me about it all?!”

“Who knows,” he flatly responded. “Maybe I’ll be reminding you for the same length of time that I’ve waited for a chapter update — several years, bitch.”

“It’s been more than six years! Get over it already, asshole!”

“Six in the previous life, but eight including now!” Athan hissed. “Fourteen years in total, Autumn!”

——————————

“So… I might have fucked up canon this time,” Autumn immediately started the conversation with a pleasant smile on her face.

“Excuse me?” he blinked, taken aback as he looks at her.

“Hari Ernst,” Autumn sheepishly grinned.

“Autumn… what did you do?” he groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Eheh… well, I have a little sister now! Surprise?”

“You didn’t.”

“I did,” she sheepishly nodded, taking a sip of her tea as she avoids eye contact. “Brother and I were out shopping together, we ended up finding Hari, and brother pitied her, so we proposed that maybe we took her into the family. Auntie needs an heiress, last I recall.”

“Dude… didn’t the oldest of the Ernst boys like Hari, even though she practically looks like she could be their sister’s twin with how similar they look to each other? I did not torture myself with reading that damn novel to reach this point, dammit.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” Autumn nodded. “Besides, didn’t you say that it would be a good idea to befriend the Ernst Family? I hear that they’ll be partaking in the Hunting Competition. Who knows, maybe if the future heiress of the Pompidou Family ends up charming the future Duke of the Ernst Family, we’ll have ourselves a proper alliance by marriage going on.”

“Do you honestly believe, to the gods above, that Eugene would marry into the Pompidou Family?”

“…We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

——————————

“So, my aunt will be adopting Hari — er, Harley — and it turns out, since my uncle refuses to adopt her since she’s from the streets, she’ll remain a Demirci. When Hari — fuck, Harley —inherits the title, she can keep the name.”

“That doesn’t sound plausible to a noble society…”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that. I just opted to talk to His Majesty.”

“You talked to my dad?”

“All I did was mention that you thought Pompidou is a dumb name and that you felt bad that Hari — HARLEY — was going to be called by that name when she gets older. And that it’d make you really happy if she could go by Demirci, so you should maybe act really cute with His Majesty like Her Highness, Princess Athanasia.”

“…right. Also, you know it’s fine to still call her Hari, right? If anyone notices then just say it’s a nickname.”

“…why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Cause it was funny watching you struggle over something so simple.”

“Wow, what a bitch.”

——————————

“We need to talk.”

Autumn’s smile faltered the moment she heard those words. “Oh no, are we breaking up?”

“What?”

“I swear I’ll change, babe!” Autumn stated, slumping in her seat over the table. “Please don’t leave meeee.”

“Autumn, the fuck’re you on about?”

“You said the classic breakup intro, dude. I had to do it for the sake of our readers. What if they got their hopes up regarding our relationship? No, no! Things like this ought to be clearly defined.”

“…my best friend’s going crazy. Look, nobody would ever ship us — except for maybe a few crazy multi-shippers. Like yourself. Even my sister’s against the very thought of it. She’d rather I start crushing on Ijekiel, and everyone knows how popular I’d be with him! Plus, the majority of our readers don’t want me to end up with a girl.”

“Damn. Way to hurt me right where it hurts the most. I can’t believe I’m un-shippable with my own bestie…”

——————————

“You should be fine,” Autumn snorts, taking a sip from her glass. “Common noble etiquette dictates that you should never approach someone of higher status for a dance. Princess Athanasia is more approachable. Just frown at everyone and you’ll be good.”

“So I should treat them like bugs the same way my dad does,” Athan concluded.

——————————

***

“As you already know by now,” she weakly says, “Athanasios died. In my rewrite, I tried to figure out a way to keep him alive, I wanted to give the twins a happy ending.”

That was surprising — she never told him that.

“No matter what I tried to write, I couldn’t imagine him being alive at the end of Toska. Somehow, or some way, he was going to end up dying. It was the main reason why I stopped posting updates in the first place. I wanted to finish it, though, at least for you, when I found out that you read my story. I wanted to finish rewriting Toska for you, but then you…”

But then he died.

She had no reason to finish her story, if the one she rewrote it for wouldn’t even be there to read it.

“And it was… it was the same. For Athanasios. He…” she refused to look up from her teacup, but he could already see where she was going with this.

“Athanasios died in your rewrite.”

Just like he did.

Verena says nothing, but that alone is enough of an answer.

Athanase slowly nods as dawning realization washes over him. And he remembers that dream, where he spoke to Diana, and the way he moved closer to the ledge.

(He feels a twinge of guilt, a pain in his chest, for what he was about to do.)

“He jumped from a tower.”

Nothing.

(There is something about him that she sees, and he knows this, because there is a moment that her soft smile crumples. Tears pour out as his mother becomes distraught, sadness splashing him in waves, but he stands still — unyielding. He finally takes a step closer to the balcony, hands touching the cold stone.)

“And he chose to do it. He wasn’t pushed, he wasn’t threatened, he wasn’t manipulated, he wasn’t in any danger.”

His throat felt dry.

He knows.

“It was a deliberate choice. Athanasios… he wanted to die.”

(An image of Diana standing on the balcony, crying as she tries to stop her son who only shakes his head and smiles, who tells her “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.”

The sensation of stepping on the ledge, ignoring his silently crying mother.)

“Athanasios got tired of living,” he quietly says.

Verena closes her eyes, tears spilling forth as she never looks at him. She says nothing, again, as he figures it all out, slowly and verbally voicing the thoughts aloud, a sick and twisted feeling rising from within.

He feels nauseous.

(An image of long black hair whirling in the wind comes to mind, high up on a rooftop, staring up at the darkening skies above. Lips curling up into a smile as they ignored the painful aches of their bones. The feeling of freedom just within their reach…)

“I got tired of living.”

And it should be alarming, really, but it doesn’t surprise him.

He always believed that he wasn’t the sort of person to just… jump to end his life, and yet he did — he has, he had, he might. With a compelling enough reason, it was a magical excuse to end it all.

It just so happened that wanting death was reason enough.

(“I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. Maybe next time.”)

In his previous life — lives, maybe — he wanted to die.

She doesn’t need to tell him the reason why she never finished the rewrite anymore. He did exactly what Athanasios had done. It must’ve felt terrible, reading your own writing meant for a friend who died, only for that very person to die in the same exact way, albeit in different circumstances and situations, in different places and times.

But for the same reasons.

It still happened, even if he never thought he would consider…

(He died.)

“You did,” Verena softly confirmed, but she didn’t really have to, not after his memory was steadily returning with more clarity and pain. “And that’s why you died in our last life together.”

People are complicated. They’re irrational or logical, fuelled by motivations or lack thereof. They’re complicated, righteous or morally grey, or downright psychotic or had been sane this whole time. Their actions could be done for stupid or convoluted reasons that most just wouldn’t be able to recognize from the get go.

The answers can be difficult to answer, because sometimes a reason why things happen include multiple issues, little things that build up over time.

And sometimes, the answer he’s been looking for really is as simple as that:

“You were tired, Athanase.”

(“I’m… tired.”)

***

#fic: in the back of my mind #wip tidbit #wynter writes

2 notes · View notes

icharchivist · 1 year

Note

me: i’ll probably make a summary of my thoughts every 10 or so chapters, whatever feels natural.

me 5 chapters into awakening moon: i need to write down my thoughts NOW or i’ll die.

uh. so. hello icha!! I’m on break rn which is why i’m able to do this haha. this is just about the first five chapters of awakening moon… um so actually i was stuck at a relatives place for a lot of new years and ended up? just reading the translation for all of act 1 that was on the wiki as well as alex in wonderland bc those were the two i didn’t rly take notes on? I think also the azuma and sakyo hot spring event i didn’t do notes for… but everything else i had some notes so i thought it’d be good if i could review act 1 a little in preparation. and gee golly am i GLAD I DID. bc 5 chapters in and im being proven sooooo right abt all my thoughts.

this’ll come in handy when talking abt other characters, but most relevantly I was rly able to pick out some hisoka moments i hadn’t noticed earlier… firstly when winter first finds hisoka, he actually doesn’t want them to call the police—I mean i’d get why but also i think he probably instinctively is wary of the police? which i have to think adds to his assassin points, which is my imaginary tip jar for pieces of evidence that point towards hisoka being an assassin. These pretty much also just go hand in hand with hisoka having any time of… nefarious sort of career pre-amnesia, so being a spy or involved in some type of espionage or something feels… appropriate. some assassins do spy stuff as well! but assassin is the guess thats most fun for me to say. lol. pretend it’s a catch-all. um next hisoka, when asked to play a character, asks for really specific details like age and background, and then izumi describes him as acting very… realistically? and later when they’re doing their play she notes that hisoka has gotten a bit more expressive in his acting! I think that sense of realism really works well with his role in sympathy for the angel—hes the most bluntly realistic about everything, it feels, so i’d imagine his more understated nature of acting fits well there… i’d also say that for someone who probably has no acting experience, doing espionage or something like that would train you in some specific kinds of acting! which is maybe why hisoka needs those extra details—it’s more like a cover story, then, and why his acting has that sense of realism—it’s acting that needs to exist in the real world, not the kind of acting that is Performance.

also tasuku asks if hisoka did martial arts, because his footsteps don’t make any sound… assassin points. I think there’s this part where izumi almost gets hit by something on stage or something like that and hisoka saves her? and tasuku says like are you a ninja? and homare mentions that hisoka moved so fast that he couldn’t see him… assassin points. I’ve mentioned the lie low and recover stamina thing already… as well as how when izumi approaches him from behind he pins her to the wall immediately. umm but i forgot that he specifically disappeared because he had a cold! so he didn’t want to… show any weakness, i guess, and just ran away. that felt very assassin to me. I’m basing this off of killua of course, since he also has a sort of “run away when you’re weakened” philosophy. and also!! when they’re talking about their type in romantic partners, hisoka wants someone who’s independent and not clingy. I imagine that has to do with like… as an assassin or as a spy i bet he traveled a lot… so he couldn’t really get attached to people, unlike how he is with the winter troupe. like at first he didn’t even want to get a futon bc he needed to be able to sleep anywhere. probably had to be used to roughing it for whatever assassin work he was doing. and finally… hisoka had memories related to the ocean, where he was like. he said he probably washed ashore from there? and chikage’s always been doing a lot of overseas business trips… i was making connections.

anyways. I bet that hisoka and chikage were both assassins or doing the same kind of work, and that chikage was april and hisoka was december (and chikage is maybe wearing hisokas jacket?? since it says dece right there) AND when he introduced himself!!! He said his bday was april 15th!!! so you can imagine the VINDICATION i felt when chikage confronted hisoka and went "What's the meaning of this, December?” LIKE I CALLED IT. I NOTICED THE DETAILS!!! Unrelated but google tells me hisokas bday is december 3rd? google could be wrong but i didn’t want to check further for fear of spoilers but ah. if that’s true I share a birthday with hisoka!!

wanted to get that out of the way non-chronologically… putting a pin in that, I’ll talk some more abt it later. anyways the actual chapters in the order they came. those thoughts.

getting fully voiced lines again!!! oh my god!!! I checked and i got through sardine search in june of 2021 so dear god, has it been a while. I feel like i notice so much!! the tone of the voices and everything… its so good i missed it. love being able to pick up random words here and there with my “acquired through knowing the translated title as well as the original of japanese songs” knowledge. and MIZUNO GOT TO SEE ROMEO AND JULIUS… and tsuzuru looks so happy to hear that!!! crazy. crazyyyy. Imagine never having read clockwork heart and reading that and being like “who’s that” instead of LOSING MY MIND.

it makes sense that they’d try to recruit a single person instead of doing an open audition, since that would be a little tough if at the end u were like. ok we’re taking One Person. sakyo was also like its nice since u can trust the person which is so funny to me. I mean good caution since the whole godza spy thing happened but also its like. I know you’re going to recruit chikage and im squinting at the screen like… is he someone you can trust? since i think he’s an assassin. also his face just makes me think of like… a sly tanuki, lol. but this also provides good context as to how all these act 2 members kind of already relate to the act 1 charas! its story convenience since u don’t have to establish a dynamic from wholecloth with a whole “first meeting” bit, but it’s also convenient in-story itself since having some familiarity with the person would probably make them easier to trust! a neat thing that works from a watsonian and doylist perspective lol. also whoever joined spring HAD to know itaru, since itaru would have to like. give up his solitary gamer pad (which imo is the more accurate term as compared to man cave)

masumi not answering his phone and saying he doesn’t know the number… considering it was? a secretary? That izumi called at first, I bet it’s his parents. I’m also like on my knees BEGGING for some more masumi developments this episode. (it’s… episode for each troupe season, right? and then chapter for each individual bit. that’s what i’m doing, at least). but oh my god i’m with tsuzuru here. masumi you should be answering sakuya’s calls. the masumi & sakuya dynamic is actually really interesting to me, though! like first off until we did this year forward (which, considering the anniversary event was just before this, seems like they’re retconning that the first 4 plays took one year and instead are going with that these first 12 plays took place in a year…? I think? I’m confused abt the timeline but I refuse to search it up lol) and this is how I realized sakuya’s actually a year older than masumi… it’s cool to see he went right into theatre! he does love it after all. but he still wakes up masumi who’s cranky in the morning haha. usually with these two and the play they did, I would’ve thought it’d be a dynamic of like… cheery guy and cool guy aren’t close at first but slowly the cool aloof guy gets attached but ah… it still feels like masumi didn’t really get that. attached. it’s a very interesting situation to me, because they definitely spend time together and care for each other but they don’t necessarily feel… close? it’ll be interesting to see if that develops. nocturnality’s description of the troupes is, once again, on point—spring troupe is really like a family more than just a group of friends. speaking of that though I’ve been talking to my friend about a3 and he asked me, like, autumn was described as comrades for the same cause, right? what is that cause? and I had to be like… um, acting? because I didn’t know how to say it any better haha. since it’s acting for everyone, too… I think there is a certain flair autumn has in the way it feels like they’re challenging each other a little bit—exemplified with juza and banri, but it’s present with others, too. still I wasn’t sure how to word it?

it’s nice that juza is w/ omi and tsuzuru and banri is with kazunari at uni!!! good they’re not in the same university because… that would be a lot. the moment citron mentioned chika-usa I was like. ah. chikage. like I literally even Just saw him in a bunny outfit… if I didn’t get it from the chika bit I’d get it from the usa bit now. it’ll be exciting to see that reveal since I think he and izumi can talk curry a lot! also he can help with blogging which is nice

then began chikage’s introduction of which I was mentally yelling in my head “HES TRICKING YOU. NO PERSON CAN BE THAT POLITE AND PATIENT AND PERFECTLY GENIAL AND MILD.” I’m just saying like he’s tooo normal to not be faking it. he’s literally itaru’s coworker and we know how that guy appeared versus his real self. so when he says like “I’m a huge fan” about the blog and I go “no. you’re just stalking hisoka.” but like his self-introduction is so normie and at least my personal evaluation of his audition was that he was realistic but not dramatic? A thing which matches quite well with how I think hisoka performs… though again izumi doesn’t really detail that far in about his style, this is just me evaluating him. but yeah wow I wonder why you’d be good at acting, chikage… ever done any espionage? his coin cg looked nice! but I’m just saying… quick with his hands doing magic tricks… hisoka can be so quick you can’t see him, too… also if ur fun party skill inherently involves deception and misdirection as magic tricks do… then I don’t have to trust this pleasant person mask you have. also the way chikage tells sakuya “you seem like you would be the first to go down in a battle” wow I bet you’ve been in some life or death battle situations. being an assassin and all. although, I love the way citron agrees.

izumi: (he's already won them over. I'm glad he's fitting in so well!)

me, banging pots and pans together: ITS AN ACT!!!! ITS AN ACT!!! like he just sounds sooo cloying. like hes being patient with children

and when hisoka appeared izumi saw chikages smile slip!! I thought it was fun to see homare nagging gently at hisoka to introduce himself tho lol… I wish they’d done the coin game. I think hisoka may have guessed correctly. but the way hisokas like well I don’t have anything to say abt myself except my name and homare is then immediately like *gasp* let me list all my hisoka facts!!

and THEN when chikage approached hisoka in the night. THE VOICE CHANGE. HE DROPPED LIKE AN OCTAVE I FUCKING KNEW HIS POLITE VOICE WAS HIDING SOMETHING. I realize amnesia’s hard to believe but god if ur an assassin or whatever in some mystery organization u should be able to believe in amnesia.

this line though: "...All this time I thought you had died together with August." but hisoka doesn't even remember what he said when he was sick! I do remember him apologizing, though… he’s got survivor’s guilt for sure i bet. I was very alarmed by how hisokas yknow. normally gentle and soft voice got very distressed at this part tho! especially when he said his head hurts… I wanted to hug him.

"...Then remember this. My name is April, and I'm here to avenge everything you took away from me." hmph. called it. but also. inigo montoya much? and those flowers WERE threats.

ch 4 starting out with the title reading "yume nikki" gave me immediate flashbacks like. I know it just means dream diary but I will always just think of the game only. hisoka’s flashback though… it was so well written. the emphasis on coldness really got me—it makes sense that at the beginning, he’d even sleep outside in the cold! but wow. he grew up like. starving and without a home. "my hands, my face, my body... everything's cold." and "they weren't like me. they must have had real homes." i am weeping. I am inconsolable.

veryyyyy cool to get hisoka stuff in spring, though. i'd hoped, but wasn't sure since it was the spring play and not the winter one. perhaps that'll all reverse with winter since guy will join then and citron can get hi emo time then? the ch doesn’t say who those two kids who talk to hisoka are, but i’m guessing they’re august and april (with the kid that keeps insulting hisoka being april)... we’ll see about that. and they’re inviting hisoka to join the Organization. Hmmm. okay. while i’d love to point and say “and HERE’s the assassin club!” it’s probably a bit more realistic that these people are… multi-talented in their dealings. organization to me implies more than just like assassin-for-hire but like. actual plans so they r um. maybe. …a. what’s the mundane version of a big evil organization? a terrorist agency…? a shady intelligence guild? it doesn’t rly sound like a yakuza/mafia deal. well anyways that’s what i maybe think hisoka is a part of. that’s 100% the kind of group that would take in kids off of the street. probably some of them do assassinations in em.

the "if you stay here like this, you'll die." / "nowhere else... to go." exchange made me lose my mind. Whenever there is ever a piece of media where some character goes like “if you keep being this way, you’ll ruin your life” but that way of life is the ONLY way that person knows how to live, even if its ruining them… that gets me. and then the "how many times have I thought I might die, yet ended up living? living on, all alone." line from hisoka… like this is before august died but i imagine in the period after august died and he hadn’t joined mankai yet… that was true again, wasn’t it. AND THEN THE GINGERBREAD. THAT’S WHY HE FROZE UP DURING THE CHRISTMAS PLAY!!! BECAUSE THAT WAS THE FIRST FOOD HE WAS OFFERED BY THESE TWO… it is funny that they reeled him in with a snack here… it’s the same in the future, only it’s just marshmallows. still, for a kid surviving out on the streets... sweets are probably like a precious delicacy, huh… since they’re not particularly filling. they’re just nice. a step above plain survival. and then hisoka’s told that they’re family now… thinking about how he says that winter troupe is the place he belongs, later.

back to the present i love how when yuzo comes in citron so pleasantly says"oh, yuzo! have you lost your day job?" pfft. makes sense that chikages articulate. hes probably practiced his voice a lot since this one is miles away from his threatening voice, ahah. Also love how hes like “ive dabbled in kabuki!” and no one can tell if he’s telling the truth or not. like i said. he’s suspicious. yuzo agrees with me seeing as hes like chikage’s too calm around everyone. I thought the interview was funny! like tsuzuru, you’ve managed to somehow precog everyone’s character arcs and personalities well enough, but this time you need to interview the guy? yet you parallels a weird amount of tsumugi and tasukus life with sympathy for the angel without knowing shit about them? yet you absolutely hit upon azuma’s own baggage with nocturnality? Considering chikage seems to joke/lie about a lot of things, it is fair… he’s a pretty mysterious character. Has to be since he’s hiding the fact that he’s an assassin and stuff. I muttered to myself for soooo long about the curry thing though i was like what the fuck is an ultimate curry. curry isn’t even one thing in india. at least in the part of india where i’m from, even our stir fries get called curry (by my family at least!) but then chikage was like. oh its fun to mess with u guys so. okay. hisoka seeing chikage and spring and immediately running off tho… i bet that entire exchange hit him hard especially bc chikage was just like. kind of mean and not helpful lol. excited to see how that goes. i hope winter gets to take care of him since he’s Going Through It right now… i still think whoever is ringing masumi must be his parents. its nice that chikage and izumi get to bond over curry! it'll be interesting when the blog thing gets revealed. itaru seemed weird after he had to explain what a stan was to masumi which is like… i wonder what thats abt. he did mention a little that he had a bad time of it in high school during alice in wonderland so i wonder if thatll ever come up. or mb hes just worried abt chikage seeing his gamer pad. who knows. uh. well. that’s my thoughts on the. first five chapters. I don’t think i’m going to be able to Stop reading this so. I hope ur okay receiving something like this every day-ish.

HI THERE! HELLO THERE! WELCOME TO ACT 2!!!!!!!! I see awakening moon is already having its power on you, so cool.

Chikage time!!!

And ohh that's so cool you get back to previous events. Makes some elements clearer in mind, esp with Hisoka mister subtle exposition backstory over here.

Congratz on noticing all those little details about him on the reread :3c those things still leave me obsessing. Esp the way his acting is described like, that's such an unnatural approach to acting you can't help but raise an eyebrow.

And god yeah. yeah. Hisoka is so weird in the early chapters when you pay extra attention to him it's so much. Another thing from the backstages that might interest you is in Tasuku's New Year's SR (SR - [Careful of Holiday Traffic] - "The Gunslinging Cleaner") where they're all cleaning the dorms, and Winter is doing the bathroom, and Tsumugi and Tasuku end up playing up with the spray bottles to have a pretend fight based on an old play of theirs and it has Tasuku, realistically, get back into his role like he does so well. And Hisoka catches on to that and when Tsumu leaves, he thinks, hey, that was funny, actually funnier that what we're doing, and he takes up two spray bottles as well to play a dual gunner and start to wrap Tasuku into it again. Anyway during this whole bit there's a mention of how Hisoka's way to move feels very natural as he's playing someone who's /using two guns to fight/. Bringing it up so you can add it to your assassin jar.

ANYWAY. CHIKAGE. APRIL. HHHHHHHHHH. You were pointing it out so much in your asks and i was just. pointing while doing uncomprehensible noises, and had to try my best to just go "cool theory! not saying anything tho!" like i wasn't losing my mind because "YOU GOT IT. YOU GOT IT!!!!" (on the April front at least, i'm not confirming anything else LMAO). Chikage's build up was done so well i'm SO glad you caught on the details hhh!! And yeah Hisoka is indeed from Dec. 3rd and omg!!!! twin bday…. I share my bday with his seiyuu personally so we're really onto something here.

The full voice really is so cool!!! And yeah i feel you so much, there's so much characterization in the voice work, the random words we know from song, and even realizing how much they improved since the early day. Always a chill up my spine.

AND YEAH. YEAH THE MIZUNO NAMEDROP. OH MY GOD. holding your hands. See this is why i insisted so hard on you reading all the events, and i'm so glad that you did it. I've had friends who skipped the events because they wanted act 2 so quickly and i was just. no. you don't realize Chikage has been built up, you don't know about Mizuno you dONT- like they legit mentioned then "idk who mizuno is" and i'm just GNHHH. Mizuno!!!

Yeah the audition thing makes sense. esp since now they're popular so it's harder to filter who really would want to make a good actor. not that it means they're actually recruiting a trustworthy bunch bUT. Chikage's face like a sly tanuki so true bestie. His face is up to no good and i love that about him. But yes agreed it works very good on both a wastonian and doylist perspective it's really neat. And YEAH Itaru stamp of approval (to share his gamer pad).

oh god the Masumi's plot. man. (and for the names we improvise as we go, it works out that way). but YEAH Massu you should answer at leAST Sakuay's call gdi!!

ok so for the timeline it's a little weird. In the VN, Sakyo gives them like, a year to revive Mankai first and then one play a month, but it doesn't work with what act 2 says that it's been one year only. In the anime they actually retcon it for real by having Sakyo giving Izumi only one month per troupe, so, it actually fits what the timeline is saying by act 2: that all of act 1's main story and the events all happened in the span of a year. And it makes sense bc at One Play A Month, 3 plays for all 4 troupes gives 12 plays, which makes a lot more sense in general. So Sakyo's original ultimatum has been completely retconned everywhere else at this point.

BUT YEAH SAME i didn't realize Sakuya was older than Masumi until act 2 where the age gap really is pointed out, with Saku leaving High School while Massu is still in. That does explain why Sakuya felt so much "big brotherly" to Masumi too. I do love how he still takes care of Masumi, Sakuya is like. It took me so long for him to even start allowing me around, now i'm his friend nonstop no take back. I think Masumi is "more attached" but it comes from the place of how abyssal his attachement was to start with. Like, Masumi was clearly keeping everyone away before (he didn't even call Sakuya by his name before, that's why Sakuya is overjoyed the day Masumi actually calls him Sakuya) and he's sloooowly letting his guard down but it's not. radical just yet. But yes it does also play on their Nocturnality description of, as a family it doesn't have to be tight and close bond for the love to be unconditional in a way?

And omg about the description and friend. And yeah, so, i think the Japanese term for them is specifically "Nakama" (compared to Spring's "kazoku" (family) and Summer "tomodachi" (friends)). And Nakama is really like. a group of friends or coworkers you're close in with the idea of you're sharing the same goals and ideals. Like, Nakama is used a lot in anime, it can still be close friendship but it's usually in the context of, there's a background that put us together yaknow? and i think "comrades for the same cause" is the best way to translate the idea but as a result this might sound a little clunkier lmao. I think it's, yeah, the goal is acting, but the means to do it is the competition they have against each other to help each other out too. And they come from the same background of intense regrets and moving past that. Brothers in arms if you will. But yeah it's tricky how to word it, it feels natural to describe them that way, like, when Azuma says that it makes sense, but it's a little tricker than that and it's hard to explain without the full picture.

AND YEAH it's nice for the uni repartition. At least the bloodshed isn't spread there LMAO. AND HELPP. Chikage, assigned bunny immediately on first read. The curry alliance would be too strong if Izumi gets an ally. To follow.

CHIIIKAGEEEEE. "he's sooo normal he's totally faking it" is so funny, it's so true. Tbh i do feel like it's the thematic of Spring Adults like. Putting on a front so people Don't Ask Questions about you. Chikage just saw the patern and went :) sup :) god it's really so funny to me Chikage pretended he really liked the troupe only because he had tunel vision on Hisoka it's so much. his Coin CG looks sooooo good. and eheheh :) and YEAH CHIKAGE'S COMMENT ABOUT SAKUYA I FORGOT. No chill. BUT YEAH CITRON. THIS IS SO FUNNY. The chaos of Chikage saying batshit insane thing and Citron just nods in the back YOUR REACTION LMAO. the moment we all go "NOOO IZUMI YOU'RE SEEING IT WRONG"

oh boy so now. the Hisoka scene. God i was thinking about this scene so much the other day it still drives me insane. Maybe Hisoka would have guessed correctly yeah. And YEAH HOMARE JUST LIKE. "leave it to me, i know so much about you" is so soft. I wonder how Chikage might have felt like, man. This person really knows Hisoka uncomfortably well wtf. but yeah i love Hisoka's "ex-feral homecat behavior" who mellowed to everyone but will be warry of newcomers regardless and will just go into silence for it. all while Chikage is just. :))).

BUT YEAH CHIKAGE APPROACHING HIM. GOD THIS SCENE. I think that like, logically amnesia is easy to believe but emotionally, it must be very hard. Like, Chikage thought Hisoka was dead and facing that he's still alive while August isn't must have been a shock. Plus, personally i can't stop thinking about the fact that Chikage learnt he was alive from hearing about Mankai, Itaru probably passed fliers to Sympathy for the Angel in the office and Chikage probably just. fucking froze thinking he was seeing a ghost and was stalking them ever since. And then you think about Hisoka's roles in the plays and think about how Chikage might have interpreted them. Like, Hisoka's first role was one of an angel that was categoric about letting the person Tsumu's character loved die. He was all about keeping the balance on how if someone has to die, they have to die. The second play has Hisoka investigate a murder while being emotionally distant to it, and the third play has Hisoka play an immortal who, by definition, is surviving other people. and i think it's fair that, in grief, Chikage saw all of those as, oh, he's using his experience to mock what happened. I have more to say esp about MMMBM's play and the way Chikage might have reacted to it but. we'll come back to that later. But what i mean is that i think that, emotionally it was hard to process, Hisoka himself looked like he was handling himself fine, and hell, Hisoka loves his troupe and i think eventually it might have felt like it for Chikage too whichh could def feel like there's nothing wrong with Hisoka and he is really just, moving on.

BUT YEAH it's still. OOF. so mean esp since Hisoka JUST DOESNT KNOOWWW and he has been scared for so long about his past and Chikage basically came back and told him "you have good reasons to be scared of your past and now you'll suffer for it" is just. God. So fucked up. Chikage master at mishandling his grief.

Hisoka did talk about August and apologized when he was sick, clearly, survivor's guilt yes. god Hisoka is usually so distached from everything and nothing really affects him PERSONALLY, at best he worries for others people but everything else he manages to deal with on his own, but god. when Chikage starts to confront him he's so distressed and i feel so bad for him i want to hug him so bad.

me: loving liar characters and digging Chikage's deal from the start VS "if you're mean to Hisoka you will meet my sword" moment for the whole first chapter, so many emotions.

but YOU'RE SO RIGHT about the Inigo Montoya feels to that. And yeah, the flowers were def threats though, once you're done with Awakening Moon i'll share the meaning of them because it still drives me bonkers.

LMAO for yume nikki, the way things change our perspectives i swear. Hisoka's flashback god. it was so much. Sweet boy. Sweetheart. It's just. gnhhh. Everything about this part is so emotional and it's terrifying.

And yeah eheheh. Actually, if you get to see it, the chapter's icon for each of the troupe, in act 1 are colored fully with the troupe's collors: first spring is pink, first summer is yellow ect…. but, once you enter act 2 it's amazing how it's like. spring is pink with some blue. summer is yellow with some autumn. ect…. it's like, even graphicwise they tell you, the other troupe linked too closely to this rookie cannot be footnotes, they're also part of the main plot. and yeah that def sets up as Guy being also a Citron plot doesn't it :3c ehehe.

And yeah the kids. those kids. goodness. yeah. For the organisation i won' talk too much about it but yeah it's def not mafia/yakuza, to me it sounds also sounds like something international (see why Hisoka talks a perfect english) but, yeah. def sounds like a shady organization for sure who's exploiting children who have nowhere else to go. Which makes it pretty grim for Hisoka, but also for the implications for August and April since they were there even before Hisoka. Weep.

and guuhhh that exchange is just. god. holds hisoka in my arms. Hisoka's past being unveiled is so tragic like, you get why he forgot everything, it's ust so fucking miserable. Just suffering and surviving, all alone. AND THE GINGERBREAD YES. YES!!!! also how in the whole Christmas event, it was snowing outside and Hisoka kept zoning out looking at it. Just before the play, he was late backstage because he was completely captivated by the snow outside, and THEN Gingerbread on stage. I think the combo of the two triggered memories in Hisoka without him really registering it yet. It was a cold snowy night and he was offered gingerbread, and this was enough to connect the two. BUT YEAH it's funny they reeled him with a snack, it's really just. Wild kitty approach. And yeah Hisoka didn't change a bit, snacks are the way to his heart. But yes, exactly like you say. The fact it's because those sugarly snacks are delicacy, something he probably couldn't eat before when it was all for survival, so, he probably has those as comfort food on the literal sense of the term of how, it's the one thing that brought him salvation out of the street, it's the one thing that tastes like a home, so Hisoka indulges in sweet and sugar as much as he can. not just survival anymore. idk to me it recontextuatlize his marshmallow quirk from "manchild" to "this is literally the only thing he knows to consider as comfort". Esp considering early in Mankai he was refusing comforts like, a futon because he must be ready to sleep anywhere. It fits with the idea that he used to be homeless and probably had to get used to not be picky about where he fet to sleep. Marshmallows was the one thing he was always selfish about and now he's actually working on his comfort, but yeah, that really puts a lot in perspective on that regards. And yeah. a family…. they were a family. Whatever happened to August made Hisoka lose this family and now he has a new one though…

AND HELPP. I love Citron, he's so funny. god i love your reasoning on why Chikage is so good at everything. "of course this two faced bastard would know that". I LOVE how you can not trust anything that comes out of his mouth. Silly little liar man. Yuzo is so perspective, thank you my dude. And YEAH GOD THE INTERVIEW. So funny. Tsuzuru: can psychanalyse everyone in the company / Tsuzuru: oh no this guy lies so much i can't figure out what to do D:. AND HHELPPPPP being from the country that allows you to see through Chikage's bullshit, this is brilliant. He's really just out there, lying for fun.

And yeah man :( poor Hisoka i feel so much for him i want to hug him so bad. Chikage could have. like. actually communicated smh. but nooo. In Winter we trust.

Looking forward how hte Masumi's plot evolve and yeah it's nice Izumi finally has a curry ally. Might be sus as hell but he's also a curryhead so all crimes are forgiven. Oh Itaru. I guess it's also just that, Itaru learned to be himself with the Spring Troupe but now one of his coworker is there and it's a thin line on walking to like, reveal a side of himself he only revealed to those kids to one of the people he was the most likely to hide it from yaknow? Like suddenly feeling exposed and all. And i think that, like. The rest of the Spring Troupe knowing about his true self is fine as it is, even if Itaru didn't trust them, it's like. Who are they going to tell it to. But with Chikage, Itaru has to test first how much he can trust him and maybe be worried Chikage would talk about it at work. Might explain Itaru's uneasiness.

BUT ANYWAY. FIRST FIVE CHAPTERS. IT WAS A BLAST TO READ.

I'm totally okay receiving this everyday-ish, as u know, i'm a huge fan of reading your thoughts and of this specific chapter as it is, so i'll be thrilled. Can't wait to see more of your thoughts :3c

Take care eheheh

#ACT 2 TIME BABYYYYY #ichareply #aranarumei #ichafantalks a3 #long post for ts

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