Transformations and Ourselves

I've been thinking a LOT on transformations lately. I've been thinking specifically about transformation of ourselves. How it's never easy, always painful, always a sequence of destruction and creation, and how that transitional state always fills us with so much doubt, self-hatred, leaves us feeling inchoate and incomplete.

And I've already gone through this process a number of times. I remember the end of high school, feeling like every day I was reaching for a version of myself that I could visualize in my mind, but couldn't actually touch with my own fingers. I didn't care about being popular. I wanted to be smarter, better, and most of all, I wanted to create BEAUTIFUL things. There was all this stuff inside me that I wanted to share with the world. "Hey, I'm more than what you see. It's good. I promise. You may have to wait a bit, but really. I'm about to become something good and wonderful." And eventually, I went to college, accomplished my goals. Proved something, or so I thought. Became something, so I thought. Transformed, so I thought.

Then it happened again. A few years into my first full time job, which had originally been my dream job. I felt taken for granted by my company and by one of my social groups. Again, I felt I was capable of a lot more than they thought. I was more than how they saw me. That I had more value and more worth. In the end, I changed industries, left the group. I did remake myself. I did manage to prove my worth.

And now, well recently I've arrived at another one of those times. I'm now realizing that this is perhaps something we'll have to continually go through all our lives, which sucks, because every time I'm faced with being on this precipice I feel like a quivering, frightened high schooler again. But now, at least I have more perspective.

This transformation of myself that I have to undergo. Everyone can see what I am now, but they can't see what I see in my own head. They can't see what I know I can become. What I am positive I can become with enough time and nurturing. That's where faith comes in. If you're lucky enough to have people in your life with faith in you, they'll support you through this. They'll trust you through that transformation, help carry you through your own doubts. Because if we don't get that support, some of us may never be able to complete that transformation.

Maybe it's fitting that my contemplation of this is culminating during Pride Month. I've been lucky to follow and interact with a lot more brothers and sisters of the trans community over tumblr in the two years. I think this meditation on transformations has helped me better understand what trans folks are going through, especially those who are transitioning. I am in no way saying that my pain is comparable or equivalent to their struggle. It's not even the same order of magnitude. Merely saying that, wow, every day you are struggling through a transformation. Every day you are participating in a process of destruction and creation of yourself, where you are abandoning the safety of how the world has seen and known and accepted you and forging a path towards something you know you can be. Towards someone that you know you have always been, even if no one else can see it yet.

You're saying to the world You don't know who I am. How could you possibly? I know who I am, and I will show you. I am working on it, but I will show you, and you will be so amazed.

So while I'm not a member of the LGBTQ+ community (though I flirted with asexuality for a while, which was the only thing I flirted with during that stage of my life), I see very keenly now the thread of transformation in their struggle. And I'm on board. I'm here to witness your transformations. To have faith that you can become who you know you can be.

So for all those in the middle of a transformation right now, God speed on your journey. I wish you safe travels. I hope you have the faith of those who can help you through this journey. I hope you stay strong, optimistic and hydrated. I hope to see you on the other side, where we are all shiny, good, wonderful, full-realized, and resplendent in our true selves.

does anyone else get so upset when you think about all the things that happened to your f/o... all the things they went through? all the things they haven't healed from? the pain that they may still be enduring? how you can do your best to help them but you can't protect them from everything. so you just love them the ways they needed before, how they deserved. and you see them happy because they finally accept, at least in some ways, that they do deserve it. they deserve love like all beings do

Hey do you think ya can explain Barnaby and his illusion smoke a bit? It seems really cool and I don't remember if ya talked about it in depth before

sure! this got a bit longer than i expected!

so i was thinking that Barnaby seems like more of a hands-off kinda guy when it comes to altercations. would rather sit back and make funny commentary! so if he Had to get involved, i imagine it would be from a distance and still in an Entertaining Way!

thus - illusion magic! for this au i've been picturing that he got his paws on some illusionary herb in his early teens. for making people laugh, you know! and help out with the farm - illusions could distract animals, convince them to move on to different pastures, calm the chickens for egg-collecting, etc!

Ms. Beagle didn't really approve, since smoking is harmful, but lucky for the both of them this particular plant doesn't deal as much damage when smoked as normal smoking materials would - like tobacco! something to do with the magic properties! so Barnaby mostly used it for chores (when his mama wasn't paying attention, ofc - it's still a bad habit in her eyes) and entertainment purposes.

how it works: on its own, it doesn't do much when burned. it's not like illusions will waft out of the pipe's bowl, or that sniffing it will give someone hallucinations. in order for it to work properly, the user has to inhale properly, form the Intent of what the illusion should be / look like / behave, then purposefully blow the smoke out with that thought firmly in mind. the reach of the smoke depends on the force of Intent, and the intensity depends on the amount inhaled. those that breathe it in / are surrounded by it will see hallucinations of whatever Barnaby - or whoever the user is - wants them to! it can be literally anything! whether or not the target is fooled depends entirely on the individual, but the herb is potent enough that most are convinced that what they "see" is real (auditory hallucinations only occur if the target breathes in the smoke)

upsides: this form of magic is great for distractions, cover, deescalation, and that kind of thing. if needed, Barnaby could stop a fight with one exhale! it's a pretty powerful trick! it also means that Barnaby has built up a tolerance to illusion magic over the years, so where most of the party would be tricked, Barnaby would be unfazed. the only one with total immunity to the form of magic is Wally!

downsides: if Barnaby uses too much in too short of a time, it will get to him. and since he breathes in the largest amount - undiluted at that - it can fuck him up! using it sparingly / using repeated small amounts doesn't do anything. the most it will do is make him feel slightly untethered, but he has an easy time ignoring it / shaking it off.

in mild cases of the magic getting to him, it's like a bad trip. his proprioception is messed with (basically he gets uncharacteristically clumsy & off-balance), he feels like he's falling, anxiety spikes, and his vision is just... off! there are blind spots (im talking actual blind spots, not spots of black), things are moving in ways that they shouldn't, he has mild auditory hallucinations. the others can help ground him by talking to him, touching him, and confirming what's real and what isn't.

in bad cases, it's like that but 10 times worse. on top of all of the previous symptoms being worsened, he gets extremely vivid hallucinations, and they're very often not fun! it's a simultaneous feeling of dying, going insane, and not knowing what the fuck is going on. Barnaby loses sense of where he is, who's where, what's happening. he can get lost in the hallucinations - he has no way to know that they aren't real. in these terrible trips, no one can really help him. they can't get through the hallucinations, and if they do, the magic morphs Barnaby's perception of them and they end up adding to the effects. honestly the best thing for him is to let him rest somewhere with as little sensory input as possible & leave him be until he starts to come down. physical contact does help, since Barnaby understands on an instinctive level that illusions can't touch him, but it doesn't help half as much as it does w/ the mild trips. and again, the presence of someone can make the hallucinations worse.

so! suffice to say! he doesn't like using the herb all that often, and it's why he Stays Out Of It unless absolutely needed. he has two pouches of the herb - one with the strong stuff, reserved for emergencies / one with just a tiny bit of it mixed in with Barnaby's own personal blend for recreational/everyday use. (he also has an emergency tobacco stash in his pack, but that's only for when he's completely out of his usual blend <3)

extra lil scribble that didn't make it into the lil doodle post... i broke his wrist...

through heavy , heavy tears : hawkeyes first instinct is to be KIND he’s so much less guarded than trapper and even bj when first meeting people ( even ones he probably won’t like ) he always treats them with respect . i’m going to be physically ill

don't you love when you're like, okay now I'm going to leave this sorrow in the old year so I don't turn into a crotchety bitter person over it, and then you walk on feeling all refreshed and bright no longer carrying it on your shoulders, but then the sorrow wanders after you like a child who was lost in the supermarket weeping its eyes out and it says to you where did you GO I was lost! I was lost and I missed you!!! and you can only sigh and take it by its hand and say to it very well. here's your seat. I'm sorry I left you behind, I promise it was with the best of intentions, but I want to do my best by you, so let's sit together and try to figure out what you're saying to me.

truly at the end of the day its all about receiving validation

Dean is such a paradox for me because on the one hand, I have been actively triggered by him in the show, there are moments where, intentionally or not, the writers managed to create a portrayal of manipulation and abuse and control issues that it sets off actual alarms for me. And on the other hand, I would not have him any other way. There is something — not comforting, that’s too soft a word — about knowing where Dean’s actions stem from, having seen and learned all that we do about his childhood neglect and parentification and the trauma he goes through repeatedly in the show, and that he doesn’t come out clean. He comes out a goddamn mess who ends up hurting the people around him in reaction to his own pain!

There’s a reality there that’s. Almost nice, actually. Distressing to watch, but it is a fucking mess, it’s a good mess! He’s got zero healthy coping skills and a healthy relationship with say, his brother, is terrifying because it leaves him open to abandonment!

I’m not sure I’m wording this correctly. There is a way to be a good abuse victim. Take the pain, martyr yourself on it, and then, even if you have no support or idea how to, then you have to become a Good Person who never hurts anyone the way you have been learning to your entire life. Simply toss everything that shaped you out the door and emerge a saint with a tragic backstory. And Dean is not that. And that’s so fucking good. Everything that he has gone through continues to effect the way he treats the people around him, and he can’t fight the behaviors he might recognize as harmful because he also sees them as protecting him (or protecting Sam by keeping Sam with him.)

And sometimes, idk. It feels good to see a guy who didn’t heal the “right way.” Who mostly didn’t heal at all, just keeps the wound open because it’s easier that way.

A lot of people say Jekyll's flaw is that he doesn't know when to ask for help, which like, I'm sure that's true to some extent. (which i could go on an entire rant about, but I wont, because I get a lil heated about the comment section under page 33...and no one needs to hear that XD)

But honestly, his issue with the lodgers not wanting to do the big showcase event...that strikes me as more of an non-communication thing. Maybe it's just the way I am, my experience in girlscouts, or my mom's attitude towards things like this, but I feel his mistake was not nipping it in the bud. Like the second he heard they didn't want to do the event, he should have found out which lodgers wanted to drop out, and had a talk with them about how basic finances work.

Idk, I just feel like Jekyll gets a bit too much crap for still being very much in a learning curve with the Society. He is a leader of a club that's less than two years old, and has gained 20+ members within that time. XD

But maybe I'm just defensive because I'm from the Midwest and was in girlscouts, and my mom was the troop leader for a while, and she very much had a Jekyll - Lodgers kind of relationship with the parents. XD

just had an ‘oh shiiiiit’ moment bc what if it isn’t chris who gets hurt playing basketball but actually eddie? looking at the script again from a different perspective, instead of maddie reassuring buck it could be maddie misunderstanding what happened

“it was an accident, [_] knows you didn’t do it on purpose”

‘buck doesn’t say anything’

“evan. you didn’t do it on purpose did you?”

to me that could read like maddie realising like “wait, DID he??” especially bc he says nothing after she first ‘reassures’ him, kinda gives off guilty vibes

maybe buck and eddie argue and buck lashes out and eddie gets hurt? not seriously obviously, just like pushed over and sprains his wrist or something and that’s why buck ‘hasn’t really talked to him’

🤯

Dude, I've been thinking about this but I haven't felt like actually saying anything because people can be mean lol, so I'm so with you on this. He could have very much hurt Eddie. Even more with the tendency this show has of putting buddie in situations in places we will never see again (the fountain, the equine therapy place, the graveyard) so a basketball court could absolutely fit that pattern, and like, things are rocky between them, is very easy to give that impression considering where they are on the season finale, and you take freshly broken up with Buck (if the Natalia is not coming back thing is true) and you create some sort of tension between the two, to have Buck react and do something dumb, and accidentally hurt Eddie, makes sense. Like push him too hard on a play, or throw a ball he would trip on, something that's an accident but could not be if Buck analyzes it enough. And it's really easy to get hurt on a basketball court, I played for like, 7 years, and dude, the dumb ways I hurt myself are ridiculous lol, so like, it could be Eddie and Buck is scared of his reaction. Chris is the easiest to assume, and easiest to hurt, a ball to his crutches and he sprains his ankle or something, but Eddie himself is very much still a possibility. And Eddie dismissing Buck if he tried to help makes more sense than Buck leaving a hurt Chris behind. Unless the situation involves the 3 of them and Eddie is gonna go full overprotective dad because initially it seems worse than it is, let's say there's a moment they think Chris actually broke a bone or something, that lashing out is a reaction we've seen from Eddie before, fear is a powerful things, so even if Eddie doesn't react towards him because he's worring about Chris, Buck assuming Eddie is mad at him could be based on some logic. Also Eddie getting hurt and just saying I'm fine, I'm gonna go home and ice it, and Buck absolutely spiraling that Eddie hates him now is super on brand for Buck.

some (more) fear no mort thoughts 🧠💭

even though rick didn't go down with morty in the hole, he still stayed waiting for him. he didn't seem to panic or call anyone, because i think deep down rick accepted that morty is 10x braver than him and knew (or hoped) he'd come back, which morty did

rick wasn't there during morty's journey with closure, yes. but he was there at the end of it, waiting for morty. when it mattered.

the journey of true self reflection and changing oneself internally can be really fucking hard, this show has pushed that message many times. but it's harder trying to navigate life after starting/completing the process. it helps having someone, something, a support system to keep you grounded. getting outside reassurance/opinion helps. rick has to know that because he needs that too.

i like to think rick was lying when he said only one person can go into the fear hole. how would we know? he didn't know about it, the guy didn't mention it (as far as i can recall). he didn't go in because he was terrified and knew that because his fears are considerably more heavy and fucked up (compared to morty's) he would not have been able to handle it and he likely would've died. morty is way more resilient than rick and he knows that (at least now).

i wouldn't be surprised if a part of rick is jealous of that resilience and ability to bounce back while also still being forgiving, compassionate, and empathetic; all traits rick arguably doesn't have, or isn't good at expressing.

but he wants to be able to have those abilities and traits too. it's gonna be a slow process for rick but he already did the hardest part which is taking that first step towards changing. starting is always the hardest part (imo anyway)

the cool thing about headcanons is they're all correct. there's no point in arguing over them because we all bring ourselves and our own lives into our perception of characters and stories. peace and love on planet earth

examining your relationship with your art can be fun

but watch out

also ppl need to STOP hyping lsf up they’re cute but… that coachella performance… there were good moments and they have potential but they’re clearly not ready for such a big stage 😭 like if u put their performance side by side w ateez or even blackpink i’m sorry but they got BODIED only chaewon did well 😭

your room was square

i once noticed from there

in your bed, as you slept

and i held my breath

everything had its own place

and i wondered what space would i take

in the order you kept

☆ lost in orbit

{☆} characters tsaritsa {☆} notes cult au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings violence [ implied ], unhealthy relationship {☆} word count 0.6k

She had resigned herself to apathy – to burying her love beneath the cold, hard soil and letting it rot amongst the graves of a long dead civilization, burned to ash in only a day. Yet how quickly it all fell apart in her hands, slipping through her fingers like sand, no matter how desperately she tried to cling to it.

Was she not diligent enough? Was she so weak that she faltered at the first person who showed her genuine trust and affection? Had all her work been for naught?

A part of her revolts – the same woman who watched the sky burn and the ground beneath her feet crumble into ash. It would be so easy to wrap her hands around your delicate throat, to squeeze until you finally saw her as the monster she knew she has always been.

Yet she doesn't think she could. The look of betrayal, of fear..oh, it would ruin her, she knows.

Perhaps that makes her weak. Perhaps you have made her weak.

Perhaps she does not mind as much as she should.

You trust her, after all – enough to sleep in her bed like she couldn't just kill you before you ever knew what was happening to you. Your body was so..fragile, in this mortal shell you descended in. How easy it would be to snuff out your life, here and now.

Yet she doesn't.

Instead, she looks at you like an old lover – with all the love of a woman who had died in the ashes of a dying civilization, of a woman who thought she could love no longer. Emotions she fought so hard to suppress well up in her chest and fill the empty space where she knows her heart should beat. Try as she might – and oh, how she tries – she can never quite stem the affection that consumes her every waking moment when she sees you.

It is like an addiction that she cannot rid herself of, no matter how she tries. She always finds herself back at square one – back to you.

Her hand lingers against your cheek, undue affection filling the empty spaces in her chest until she feels like cannot breathe. She traces her hand along your jaw, her vision narrowed on the softness of your lips.

Yet that same thought rises unbidden to the forefront of her thoughts. Love was a dangerous thing – you both knew that. To let it fester and rot her from within..she would be throwing her plans out the window, and for what?

Because she was too weak? Because the affection and trust in your eyes whenever your looked at her made her feel whole, like she was more then just an Archon playing God with the fate of the world?

You do not even stir as her thoughts toil like a brewing storm. She swallows the lump in her throat, removing her hand like she'd just touched a piece of hot metal. A part of her still screams that it's for the best, that you've corrupted her enough, torn apart her plans in the span of a week, a mere blink in time..

But it goes silent as she leans in, pressing her lips to your cheek. She will not let the thought fester, tonight – she will let herself be weak, if only for another day. If only to covet the affection that she finds herself drowning in for just another day.

And when you stir, she pretends that she had never thought of it at all, that she has only ever known love with you. Even if her heart that does not beat leaves a stabbing pain in her chest in the agony of knowing that even this is futile..

She lets you wake, let's the recognition and the affection fill your vision until she is all you see – two stars locked in orbit, unable to break away.

And when the day comes that you collide, she will be holding the blade that drives into your chest, and she will know nothing but love when she does.