*skitters up to you on all fours with a bunch of drawings in my mouth* *drops them at your feet* *skitters away*

enjoy some schizophrenia / psychosis / mental health-based humor.

But I’m WEIRD! (3 Ways to Work on Accepting Yourself)

Ciao lovelies! Have you ever felt “weird”? What about “out-of-place,” or maybe unaccepted for who you are? Do you ever hide your true self or feel the need to be “Someone else”? Do you have lower self-esteem and trouble accepting who you are? If any of these are true for you, I’m writing to you today.

I have lots of issues with self-esteem and self-acceptance. Often, I label my actions as weird or “Not normal.” I feel like an outsider with every group, except my closest friends. In many interactions with others I hide who I really am or I try to “act normal.” Key aspects of my personality get hidden so I can seem more “cool” or “normal.” But this just becomes a vicious cycle. Have an interaction and “act normal,” then I end up over-analyzing and thinking that I’m not “normal” enough, then I criticize myself for what I did, then in the next interaction, I’m trying harder to “act normal”…. And the cycle repeats.

Does this cycle seem familiar to you?

Many people worldwide suffer from low self-esteem, and lack of self-acceptance. Accepting yourself for who you are can be hard. It requires a lot of self-reflection, and even therapy. It’s a bumpy road and it’s not easy to travel.

Today I want to talk about some ways you can start your self-acceptance journey. The ways I’ll be talking about today are affirmations, recognizing and correcting negative ruminations, and, lastly, recognizing the difference between constructive critique and harmful insults.

DISCLAIMER

** DISCLAIMER:  I am not a mental health professional and all things mentioned in this post come from personal experience or things I learned in classes. Please note that I am not the expert on these topics and cannot “Fix” what you are experiencing personally. **

AFFIRMATIONS

First, let’s talk affirmations. How often do you self-affirm? Answer this honestly. How many times per day do you praise yourself, for things you’ve done well, or maybe just think something kind about yourself (that’s NOT reactionary, meaning you think these kind things about yourself without being forced to).

If I’m answering honestly, I do not self-affirm very often. I can’t even say that I do it more than once a day, if that. This is a big issue and contributor to my lack of self-esteem. How can I have self-esteem if I’m not even cheering myself on?

When I say that you should self-affirm, I’m not saying that you have to constantly think that you’re the best thing ever. I’m not saying that you should think that you can “do-no-wrong” sort of thing.

When I refer to “Affirmations,” it’s easiest to start fairly small. A very good way to start is to find at least one thing about your physicality that you like. This can be anything from your eye color, to the way your nose is shaped, to the way your teeth look when you smile. Anything at all, just find one thing that you like about your physical self.

Then, bump it up. You may want to take this one day at a time, if this is uncomfortable for you. Here is the plan I want to accomplish this week, you may like this, or you may want to change it for you.

My Affirmations Plan for this Week:

Monday: Affirm one aspect of my physical appearance.

Tuesday: Affirm one aspect of my physical appearance and one aspect of my personality.

Wednesday: Work on criticizing myself less today. If I catch myself criticizing, replace with a statement reflecting what I did right along with what I can work on.

Thursday: Affirm two aspects of my personality.

Friday: Reflect, at the end of the day, on two or three things I did well that day.

Saturday: Affirm one aspect of my personality, one aspect of my physical appearance and recognize one thing I did right today.

Sunday: Affirm one aspect of my personality, one aspect of my physical appearance and recognize 4 things I did right this week.

These don’t sound too bad to me and I feel that this is a good place to start.

RECOGNIZING AND CORRECTING NEGATIVE RUMINATIONS

Now let’s talk about recognizing and correcting negative ruminations.  Let’s start by defining Ruminations.

What does it mean to “Ruminate?” According to Merriam-Webster, to ruminate is to “go over in the mind repeatedly.” Not all ruminations (things that you constantly run through your head) are negative. But in the case of low self-esteem, negative ruminations attribute to keeping your self-perception negative.

Why is it important to recognize negative ruminations? Let’s say you have an interaction, which should have been a fairly casual one. Say you said hello to a friend, but they didn’t say hello back. A higher self-esteemed person would think “maybe they didn’t see me,” but a lower self-esteemed person would run through the situation in their head over and over, overthinking it, thinking of everything they did wrong, or every reason why the friend might’ve “ignored” them- even if none of those reasons were accurate. 

If you could recognize that you were in the midst of a negative rumination cycle, you could work to stop it.  Something you could try is correcting the negative mindset. Take the example given above. If you were negatively ruminating about that interaction, and thinking “I bet they hate me now,” how could you correct that thought? I would remind myself that “maybe they didn’t see me,” or provide context “they have been busy lately, maybe they weren’t able to stop and chat.” By correcting the negative rumination cycle, I prevent myself from constantly staying in a negative mindset, and hopefully provide a positive baseline for any future interactions like that one.

CONSTRUCTIVE vs HATEFUL

Lastly, let’s talk about how to recognize the difference between constructive critique and purposeful insults. If you’re wondering why this topic is in this post, I think it’s very relevant to how self-esteem works. Those with lower self-esteem seem to be more likely to take even helpful critique as insult, because they feel that nobody likes them. Therefore, I felt it was good to have this reminder in this post.

The ways I separate constructive criticism and insult in general are on 2 baselines: was it intended to hurt me, and does it help me to gain this knowledge? What I mean by this is going to be highlighted in the example below.

Let’s say a friend has noticed me saying something that is inappropriate, but I don’t know that it is inappropriate. That friend then brings me aside and informs me that what I said is inappropriate. They are not intending to hurt my feelings, and it’s helpful for me to learn this. This would be constructive criticism/critique.

Here is another example. Let’s say a troll online comments anonymously that “WOW ur face is soo ugly” or something like that. Was it intended to hurt me? Yes. Does it help me in any way to gain this “knowledge”? No. Therefore, that is an insult.

Knowing how to determine between the two is great because if you know it’s an insult, you can sort of…what’s the phrase I’m looking for…. Let it roll off your back. This can be hard to do if you have low self-esteem, but now you know that insults are intended to hurt you, which means usually they’re untrue and intended only to hurt, and are based in the speaker’s own bias/feelings. Knowing the untrue nature of insults can help them ease off your shoulders.

OVERALL

Overall, the point I want to make in this post is that it’s okay to be who you are, and I know that journey can be really hard. But you’re not alone in making it. 

i noticed that in a past post you had mentioned daffy was in the front lines of world war 2. how was that like? how did toons particularly handle war?

Not particularly well. Toons are not designed for war, they're designed to make people laugh. Added to that that most of the toons were very young [under 15] when they were sent to the front and the story gets sadder.

Warnings: Mention of War and descriptions of PTSD [I have done research, but this is Toon version, so it's not going to tally exactly with humans]

Disclaimer - this is a headcanon. I have mentioned the companies here and Walt Disney [briefly] stating the obvious, it's all made-up.

All of the companies involved did there best to help/protect the toons as best they could. None of the female or children toons were allowed to go and there was a limit on how old the 'adult' toons had to be before they could go. That ended up being 5. The companies wanted 10, the Military wanted three, five was a compromise - although the companies had to fight hard to get that. In the end it boiled down to 'Either five, or they don't go at all'. The companies also re-negotiated the initial year the toons would be away down to 6 consecutive months. The companies wanted three months, so it was another compromise.

Stating the obvious, none of the toons enjoyed it much. Even the ones who thought they would thrive [Like Donald, Yosamite Sam and other 'tough' toons] found it difficult. Not to say they don't remember some bits of it fondly, mainly the comradeship they found, but for the most part it was hell on earth. After the first lot of Toons who's gone in the first month [about 30, mainly background toons, Prince Florian and Sylvester] came back from the front they looked so pale and ghostlike [visually, a shell of there former selves] that none of the others wanted to go and the companies tried to pull them out of it. [This being near the end of 1943] But they weren't allowed to, so the toons had to go.

The time the toons were fighting was 'only' Jan 1943 - end of war, Sep 1945, and the toons were only there for 6 months, but it was a long, terrifying 6 months.

The weird thing was that after the first initial couple of months while there coulor came back and they looked more life-like again, they seemed okay. Really! They could still act - and act well - they joked with each other in a normal manner and they talked to people. Sure, there were a few of them showing more difficulties adjusting - like Daffy who was acting paranoid and was constantly on the edge and Donald who's already-existing anger issues went through the roof, not to mention Elmer who was mute for a few months after coming back and Pete [Disney] who locked himself away and wouldn't come out, not to mention the at least 30 of background toons who were all showing extreme level of difficultly, but, hey, that was only a couple of toons, right? In the grand scheme of things. The rest of them were fine.

They were not fine.

It took a good couple of years [between 5-10] But eventually the cracks started showing. The Toons who had fought in the war started reacting weirdly to loud noise. Jumping onto the ceiling and refusing to come down, hiding under things and in things [like jugs and cups and cracks in the wall] whenever they thought they were under attack. They were having frequent, intense nightmares and a lot of the toon were displaying mental health issues like paranoia and splitting themselves in two [literally. It depended on the toon as to what exactly the personalities looked like, but as a general guide they'd be one 'young' one from around the time they were first created and another one that was closer to there normal age, but looked and acted completely different. Doctor Scratchesniff theorised it's what the toons worse fears about themselves are, visualised and brought to life.]

The toons were also having flashbacks to the war, which is bad enough on its own, but because they're toons the flashbacks literally engulfed them and whoever was near, drawing them into a world that they hadn't been in for about five-ten years. This, as you can probably imagine, was quite a major problem so the three major studios - Disney, Warner Bros's and Hanna-Barbera - put there heads together and came up with a solution, and that solution came in the form of Doctor Scratchensniff. [I do have a separate headcanon on him, covered in my 'Mental-Health' headcanon] The idea was that D.S. would work across all three studios and have enhanced toon powers.

While it's well known that a lot of Toons have been affected by the war, I'll go through a few of the toons that [I headcanon] have had the most noticeable difficulties after the war.

Daffy - He now goes back and forth between his 40's characterisation [screwball, Clampett version] and his greedy-jerkass characterisation in later years. The way it works is he will be the 'sensible' persona of the Greedy Daffy for most of the year [who, for all his faults, does care about his friends/family and can take care of Plucky easily], then he will suddenly switch back to his 40's persona. [Who, although he does still care for his friends/family, he can't express it as well and he has NO IDEA who Plucky is.]

After a bit of help and counselling from D.S. he has identified his major triggers [and Daffy has informed the rest of the LT's so they're aware of them]. For example, flying a plane will instantly put him back in the 40's mindset. For a time it was flying in general that put him in the mindset [which was fun when the LT's went to Australia] but now Daffy's okay with it and can manage small journeys easily. Longer journeys he struggled with, but he simply doesn't go on long plane journeys.

He also doesn't like Toons taller than himself getting in his face, [much taller, I mean. Bugs is alright.] He'll go into 'Fight' mode and try to attack them. Non-expected loud sounds like a car backfiring or fireworks can also remind him of war. Daffy's reaction when he hears something that he's not sure of what it is, it to try and find it and attack it. Either that or he would teleport away to a small space [like a jug, under a staircase or a crack in the wall] and not come out until Avery/Elmer/Porky calmed him down. [Bugs does try, but Daffy tends to get more wound up whenever Bugs tries anything, so the rabbit had to stop.]

Donald - I'm not going to spend long on Donald, mainly because his issues have [I'm fairly certain] been touched on in canon? His triggers are a lot like Daffy's except that Donald is MUCH more likely to try and attack anything he thinks is a threat rather than run away from it. He has inadvertently hurt [both physically and mentally] people he cares about by doing this, but they understand the reason why. Doesn't necessary make it easier, but they understand.

The main difference between him and Daffy though is that Donald has always wanted help. Ever since he realised he was hurting the people he loved, he wanted help. He had time off from work, Scrooge stepped in and insisted Donald and the boys move in with him so he didn't have to worry about a roof over his head and getting food and stuff. [Unfortunately this genuine well-meant, kind act only added to Donald's general feeling of uselessness]

The good news was that not only did Donald have extended family support, but he was best friends with Mickey and Goofy. Mickey was able to lean in Walts ears and convince him to treat Donald more leniently than he might have other toons, he also did his best to help Donald come to terms with what had happened to him during the war. Goofy could - in theory - do a lot less than Mickey, but he WAS more available and completely willing to take the boys off him for a couple of hours/days/weeks if needed. Goofy can cook - and cook well - so he'd bring food over for Donald so that if [as happened often] he didn't feel like cooking he'd have something ready to heat up/put in the oven.

Elmer - Some of the toons when they were put in charge of there units got on quite well, in that they had men who were willing to listen to them, and treated them kindly. Elmer's troop wasn't like that. He was very young when he was sent there [8] and was still more like Egghead. A bit silly, a bit hyper and not as hard as he needed to be. He cried the first time he went into battle and had a lot of trouble trying to gain the respect of his men. This has had a knock-on effect in that he thought everyone around him hated him and didn't like him. Even when he went back to Toontown, he just thought all his friends/family were being nice to him because they had to, not because they genuinely liked him.

Over many years Elmer has come to accept this isn't true and has been in therapy with D.S. in order to discuss it further. On a different note the main immediately noticeable difference upon coming back from war [aside from the fact he was mute for about two months] was that he started sleepwalking. His sleep had never been great at the best of times, but the war gave him such bad nightmares that he hardly ever slept. When he did eventually get to sleep, he started sleepwalking. Elmer being Elmer somehow didn't notice this at first? He thought it was completely normal [?] to start the night in your bed and wake up in Toon-World Australia having somehow swam his way across the ocean and hacked his way through the Australian outbacks to the middle off Australia, while asleep. He then had to spend several days trying to get back to Looney-Tune Street. With this in mind, it was really only a matter of time until it was noticed by the others.

They do there best to look out for him, if one of the LT's see Elmer sleepwalking, they will follow him/go with him and try to look after him. It should be noted though that despite the fact Fudd is clearly asleep, he is somehow aware of his surroundings and should someone attack him he will fight back and, most times, win.

Notes for The Vanishing Prince: Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight has been posted! I don’t have nearly as many notes this time. (Which is good, because it took me a lot less time to draft this post. XD;) Still, I did want to bring up a couple of things that I thought might be worth mentioning.

And as always, I updated the inspiration board for this fic over on Pinterest, so feel free to check out the new images if you feel like it/have access to Pinterest. (The most recently added images are at the top, so when you scroll down, you’re basically going backwards through the story.) And with that, onto the notes...

(Cut for the ramblings of a writer who overthinks everything, and also some very important notes about omurice, because I LOVED writing that part…)

Akashi and His Mom, Plus Heian Poetry

This is basically just a note to say that I really loved being able to write the scene with Akashi and his mom. <3 I think it’s the first scene of them together that I’ve posted online…? (Though I’ve written lots of scenes where Akashi talks about his mother, or has a very brief memory of her.) I wrote something short about them for Mother’s Day years ago, but I never finished it, sadly. So it felt nice to finally be able to include a glimpse of how I see their interactions.

Also, the part about Japanese poetry is indeed a thing! A lot of the Heian-era poetry in Japan revolves around themes of courtly love, and because of how courting worked in that time period, they often feature various forms of pining-for-your-lover-from-a-distance. So like Akashi says, there was a folk belief that if you were missing your lover enough, you would appear in each other’s dreams, so that you could at least be together in the dream world. Like this site about the poet Ono-no-Komachi explains, “the intensity of one's feelings for one's lover could induce him to appear in one's dream or could cause one to appear in his dreams.” I always thought that was a fascinating concept. (Also the idea that Akashi would be studying those poems at six years old is just really funny to me? But anyway. //laughs)

Akashi’s Issues, Poor Guy

I don’t want to go into too much detail here, but I thought it might be worth mentioning… One of the things I really wanted to explore in this fic (and the series as a whole) is the reality that working on mental health problems can be a very difficult and often nonlinear process. While it’s not the only plot line of the story—and I definitely don’t claim to have done a great job with it by any means, though I try my best!—I felt like it was important to take the time to show how a person’s struggles with mental illness don’t just get solved overnight. Akashi has been fighting a lot of the same problems throughout the series, because these kinds of emotional hang-ups and coping mechanisms aren’t easy to change.

To be honest, it felt somewhat counterintuitive to me as a writer, because back when I was trying to publish original stories, there was this idea that you weren’t supposed to write characters “brooding” for too long or repeat the same issues/mistakes over and over. Basically, the characters needed to show growth quickly, and passages that could be seen as repetitive should probably be cut, because they weren’t “progressing the story.” While I can understand that idea in a writing sense, I tend to feel like it’s not a very fair representation of what it’s like to struggle with mental health. (Which also applies to a lot of other kinds of personal issues/growth as well, honestly. Change is just hard in general.)

So I’m definitely trying to walk a balance between not writing the same scenes over and over, while also showing Akashi’s struggles as an ongoing journey for him. The latter was really important to me, both as a writer, and as someone who’s had cycles and setbacks with my own mental health stuff.

Bokushi Is Still Kind of an Asshole, Lol

On kind of a similar note… I have no idea how Bokushi comes across as a character at this point in the story? //laughs But if anyone finds him to be kind of a jerk, I will say that’s an intentional choice, at least. Ideally, I wanted him to be likable but still flawed, and I do find him hilarious personally, but… Hopefully it’s obvious that I don’t think he’s a perfect person, by any means. XD;

I think I’ve said before that I really want to use this storyline as a chance to explore my view of his character—and the why/how of how his personality differs from Oreshi—in as much detail as possible. Hopefully it ends up coming across as nuanced in the long run… But if nothing else, I hope it’s at least fairly interesting to read! Because I do find him extremely interesting as a character.

Omurice!

So here’s my major cultural note for the chapter… I’m guessing a lot of people are already aware of the fact that Furihata’s favorite food in canon is omurice, since it tends to pop up in AkaFuri fics a lot. For anyone who’s not familiar with the dish, omurice (a borrowed compound word for “rice omelet”) is a Western-inspired Japanese dish that’s extremely popular as a comfort food. (This type of Western-inspired cuisine is generally called yoshoku. Which I think I also mentioned in Storming the Castle, but… it’s been awhile? //laughs)

So basically, omurice consists of pan-fried rice that’s usually seasoned with either ketchup (often considered the more homey/classic version) or demi-glace sauce (more often seen in restaurants). Like in a lot of fried rice recipes, vegetables and meat are added to the rice, and then the whole thing is served beneath a super-fluffy egg omelet. It typically looks like this, or this. I’ve made it before, and enjoyed it way more than I expected. So while I was writing this chapter, I couldn’t resist preparing one of my own (for research purposes of course, lol):

I’m not a good cook, to put it mildly, but I was proud that this one came out a little better than the last time I tried it. XD

To me, the coolest thing about watching someone prepare omurice is the part where they plate the omelet... This can be done a few different ways, and some take more skill than others. (I totally cheat, by making a single-layer omelet and just setting it on top of the rice as best I can. XD) The most difficult way (and the way Furihata does it in the fic!) is to layer the omelet on top of itself while you’re cooking it, so that it becomes a kind of pouch that you can slice open over the rice. There’s a great animation of this process over on my Pinterest board, and I also really recommend two videos on Youtube if you’d like to see more… This clip features an amazing chef from the most famous omurice restaurant in Kyoto, and this one is an iconic scene from Tampopo, a classic Japanese film. To learn more about the context of those clips, and about omurice in general, I also recommend this really fun article about it.

The thing I find the most interesting about omurice is that it’s such a popular comfort food, so it’s often associated with home and family life. That’s why in The Fast Train to Kyoto, I was inspired to have Furihata’s mom make him omurice when he’s having a bad day. At the same time, though, the dish can also have a bit of a “lovey dovey” connotation to it? Like how in this survey it was one of the top foods that Japanese guys said they would like their girlfriends to make for them. (Hence the trope of decorating the omelet with a ketchup heart, as Bokushi mentions, in his extremely Bokushi way. //laughs)

For all these reasons, I tend to think of omurice as the perfect favorite food for a character like Furihata. It definitely inspired how I write about him, especially when it comes to things like his family life as well as his romantic side. <3

So How About All Those Storming the Castle References Huh

This is just a quick note to say that if anyone happened to be confused by some of the references in this chapter, a lot of them were referring back to events from Part Two of Storming the Castle. (Like the first time Furihata saw Akashi’s dad, the huge portrait of Akashi and his parents in the ballroom, the butsudan altar, the secret passage with the stairs, the ghost, etc, etc… Also the character of Ginhara, since he’s the butler who runs the mansion in Tokyo.)

I tend to be pretty indecisive about exactly how much detail I should use to explain something that happened earlier in the series… Since I know some people might not have read the earlier fics, and at the same time, I don’t want to be too repetitive for those who have? In any case, if anything was confusing/unclear, it was probably a callback to that story. (Oh, and there was also a callback to The Fast Train to Kyoto, about when Akashi and Furihata talked about becoming friends!)

Well, that’s it from me this time around. Thank you so much for reading, as always. As I mentioned in more detail over on Ao3, I really hope everyone is staying safe where possible, and supporting each other in this difficult time. I will do my best to get the next chapter posted very soon. <3

Ray deserves more love. I just? Wanna hug him? And make him feel loved?? Is that too much to ask??? Ray needs to be happy and not think he’s useless all the time if Rika doesn’t fuck off I’m gonna lose my shit

You about summed that one up. 

I feel awful when Ray feels bad about himself, or when he says horrible things about himself. I have an internal dialogue with myself that can be like that too, so I know what it feels like to be that insecure about his own needs. He is the manifestation of what was left of the Saeran of the past balled up into one person who could only feel sorrow. 

Everything I see that I’m like, “I need to protect somebody get this boy some ice cream oh my GoD!”  

Here’s some messy personal views

First lemme say I don’t condone sending hate to people that like Rika in any way because I know this is something that always happens when you drag her name out into the open and talk about her character in any capacity. People are free to like characters and enjoy them without getting flack for it. I find her character interesting to read into, and write into at times, but I don’t really care for her in huge capacity given all she’s done and the lack of empathy she has for everyone. I feel like I gotta say this any time I touch the discourse that surrounds her because I really don’t wanna see people going after each other but okay, now that I said that! 

I get really tired of the nonsense that Rika does. 

Look, she’s done a lot of bad things, and she needs to get the due process and punishment for those actions she’s committed. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like that is ever going to happen given the fact she’s sent away to Alaska post Secret Ends.

The fact that she gets to go free post V route (although she’s ostracized and pushed away from her former by miles it really isn’t legal punishment; I don’t like that when you basically say the most valid feelings about Rika and about not wanting to forgive her, rather, judging her because all of that awful shit she’s done, you’re not given this ‘happier’ end. Although I do like the sentiment that you can forgive someone and move on from that, that just doesn’t work for people. News flash, you don’t have to forgive abusers for what they’ve done. I really throw back my feelings about ATLA where Aang feels like Katara should try to forgive the firebender that took her mom away from her, Zuko clearly disagrees with that ideology because you know he won’t ever forgive his abuser, but in that journey, she realizes that she doesn’t have to forgive this guy to move on with her life! She never does, and she continues on living just fine).  

In the end, it’s up to the RFA members, V, Saeran, all of them, it’s up to them what they decide to feel about Rika. 

And when I think about Saeran’s route… I hate the fact that V wound up going back to Rika. I fear for what might happen in his after end, not only to my fears for Saeyoung’s fate, but just for the way that Rika might be handled. I really hope that we can get him the hell out of that toxic relationship. It does no good for him and it does no good for Rika. She needs to get her own help for her mental health along with punishment. V needs to learn how to love himself again, and have people in his life that love him for the right reason. 

Their relationship is never going to be healthy. 

Rika really needed help for her mental health but she kept spiraling down that rabbit hole. She started to push back against what she needed, and it all just cracked the moment that she blacked out and killed the Choi brother’s Mother. That was the moment that she really couldn’t turn around in her own opinion, and as she said herself, it was where her demons had grown so strong that she couldn’t ignore them any longer. 

When you look at what she did to Saeran you can’t help but have your stomach twist and think okay, this is awful. But when you think about these crimes that she’s done that’s not the end of the atrocities you guys. She’s done a lot more and a lot of it hasn’t even been mentioned all that much. You have to infer and read between the lines a lot of the time. 

Mint Eye was already a developing complex by the time she deceived Saeran and made him come to Mint Eye. There’s a bit in Ray Route where we’re treated to a flashback where he’s being tortured in the past, and if you need to see more of that descent in madness for Saeran, you can check his diary from the Mint Eye believer package. But aside from that, this place has already been building up with people that Rika has cultivated from the first two RFA parties. 

She’s been building this place up already, and there are people working for her already at that point. Countless believers and people she’s gotten on her side thanks to her speaking abilities. The ideology of this place is pretty much already set in stone. So you know she’s been doing this fairly often by this point, torturing people to the brink of madness and instilling the idea into them that they need the elixir, and her words to survive in the world. God knows how many people were roped in before she got Saeran. 

I don’t think that’s ever clarified. 

She’s been torturing people for months. It isn’t just Saeran. And I think when anyone turns against her, she has no qualms about getting rid of them as she’s said it herself. Depending on how dark you want to read into this, that means that there are people getting killed or locked away until they basically waste away to nothing or they start to listen to her again only to pray that she doesn’t actually kill them. 

It can get pretty dark. I try not to think about that because I tend to think of the worst possible scenarios. It makes me angrier for Saeran and everyone else who has ever had to deal with Rika after she decided that she needed to “protect people” by hurting people in the process. Her idea is that if you have been hurt enough you can become stronger. She took that idea and manifested it in Saeran like he was toy, like he an experiment. She twisted him up so bad that he’s going to be recovering for a long time. 

Don’t even get me started on all the stuff that’s happened with V, or the toss-in character that they added in the Rika DLC to push all the blame onto. No, Rika is still complicit in these actions. 

She’s still guilty. 

Cool motive, still torture and murder and wrong! 

It’s Cheritz’s game so they can handle the story how they want to do it, and because they do so much for us, I’m always grateful to them and how hard they work for everyone. They didn’t have to do Another Story, and they don’t have to give us the DLCs. Please don’t send them hate, you guys, I’ve seen that going on and I don’t like that. Don’t send hate to people in general, I hope that’s clear to y’all. 

The American University System: Oppressing the non-elite.

So let me get this straight...in the 70's there was a community outcry to lower the amount of tax money that got put towards college tuition for future generations? American tax payers used to cover over 70% of college costs, allowing the young students straight out of highschool the ability to work a minimum wage summer job to literally pay their entire tuition. Those with part time jobs while in school were not very common. This allowed for an ability to succeed without the unnecessary baggage of financial stress and lack of sleep at 18 years old while taking 14+ credits, which for those of you who dont know is a true 40-60 hour work week alone. All of this hard work and achievement paved the way for these kids to enter adulthood as educated, debt free, and with the world at their fingertips. Not to mention, they had the incredible privilege of not having to become a self sufficient adult in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the depression...

Compare that romantic reality to our drastically different reality today. I will use my experiences as an example for this, while probably on the extreme spectrum of experiences, they are valid and carry merit nonetheless. I was always told as a child, "you have to go to college, its not an option" Yet, when i graduated highschool, my parents grew quiet. I grew up in a 5 person household in Orange County, CA (one of the most expensive places to live in the country) in a family who made roughly $40k a year, give or take (thats poverty folx). My step-father was an electrical contractor so income was often spuratic. Anyway, needless to say they had not one penny saved for my college tuition. My parents failed to put a single penny aside for anything regarding my well-being honestly. With no car, no money, no job, and no idea when or how I could recieve a college education, I was kicked out of my parents at 17 years old with nowhere to go. I couch surfed and was able to get a couple jobs, one at a crafts store and one at a sandwhich shop. After 2 long years of working my way out of homelessness, all I wanted was to start college! So, at age 19 I applied for financial aid. However, I was told because I was under 25 I needed my parents tax information. Well, my parents never filed on time and were incredible dodgy with communication. So, after months of going back and forth I ended up paying out of pocket for a full time coarse load at a community college. I was able to work my jobs and pay this, but with nothing left over for rent or food. I ended up getting kicked out of my place, had to apply for foodstamps, and had to start over from square one. Little did I know I would have to wait 5 years before I could finally give college another shot.

I had almost given up the idea of higher education. I was making good money in the food industry at this point and had a nice company car and a great home with an awesome roommate. But then, I met a boy. We traveled the country for three months with his bluegrass band and saw 32 states. Afterwards, we again found ourselves broke and homeless. We hunkered down, worked 80+ hour weeks, saved up, and moved to Portland Oregon, "where young people go to retire". Little did we know, retire would be the LAST thing we did when we got there. Cost of living was rising in Portland, but still nothing compared to Orange County, CA. We got good food jobs and nested for about a year. My boyfriend (we will call him N) got great grades in highschool and high test scores in his exit exams, so in 2014 he chose to get back into school as a Music Composition Major at age 26. His journey is a whole other terrible story. I wanted to return to school so badly, but knew I had to wait until I was old enough to not warrant my parents tax info. Finally, at age 24 I filed my FAFSA and went to a career counselor. I was directed in the career of Civil Engineering. Having no prior knowledge of this career or topic, I dove in blindly headfirst. I chose a community college due to the fact that I barely finished highschool and did not take ant exit exams. To my surprise, I did very well in my college settings. After one year I was able to transfer to a university! Me! I WAS GOING TO A UNIVERSITY! I could not believe it, and was soo excited. I had no clue how hard this would be, not the work, but just surviving through it. I should mention here that I have a mild dissability. I have endometriosis which is a chronic illness linked to hormones, ovarian cysts, and all that jazz which can result in disabling pain and in my case an emergency surgery from time to time. I also suffer from a mild form of PTSD. So, with those alone handling high stress loads can be very hard on my mental and physical well being.

Ok, so I was a 24 year old first generation college student (first person in my family to go to college) disabled lower class person wanting a higher education. Seems logical right? Well, once I got accepted to the university, I chose to change my major to Architecture, I had taken an intro class for general ed and fell inlove. My beginning of my first year was great! Lots of lectures and reading. Aside from my tuition multiplying literally 3x from my community college tuition which did not affect my financial aid disbursement, I was fairly stress free. Now keep in mind, my partner and I are both working 20-30 hour weeks to make ends meet while taking 12-14 credits. Its basically having 2 full time jobs. Anyway, the last term of my first year came around-my first studio class. I was so excited! Time to actually do architecture! I got the syllabus and was told was supplies were needed to be successful in the class. I was also told that doing all of the requirements for the assignment would result in a C grade, if any grade above that was desired extra work had to be put in. I thought, no biggie, bring it on. The next thing she said was, "absolutely no sleeping in the studio!" Thats when I had a feeling I was gonna be in trouble. After class I went to the art store got my supplies. I almost started crying as they read my total to me: "$682.80, please." And that was with my student discount and not including all of the future supplies I would need just for that term, which I will tell you now after all the drawings and models ended up being about $2,000. That is a whole lot. These studio classes also require many all-nighters just to have enough time to complete the assignments. Many times, due to having to work outside of school I could not complete my assignments or had to do them with less craft and care than I would like just to turn it in. This year, I recieved less in financial aid, my rent has gone up significantly, tuition went up, and there are new grade requirements: if you get anything less than a B-, youre immediately dropped from the school of Architecture. So, not completing assignments isnt an option anymore. This last term costed my much less money, but once I told my instructor I was out of money, his response was, "well, this is Architecture school." What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!? A roll of Velum (drafting design paper) costs $50-$70 pencils are $2 a piece, models cost like $100 each, the list of tools go on and on. I am already paying $10k a year for tuition, ensuring at the very least $70k of debt including my masters degree which you need to get your Architecture license. And at least $100k with the $500 a month I need to borrow a month for rent. I should not need to add thousands more of that for supplies my school should be providing. And this insane pressure of pulling all nighters to get done the amount of assignments it would take us to do in a whole week last term in 2 days!

The moral of this very long story is that college is not meant for those of us trying to climb the life ladder. Its meant for the already elite. Its meant for kids right out of highschool with parents who make enough money to pay their tuition, their rent, their whole lives! Meant for kids who travel to Europe for the summer instead of working 60 hours a week to make up for the money lost during school cuz you physically cannot work more than 25 hours. Its meant for kids who can call their mommies and complain about how mean their teacher is, not for those of us who cry every night about being afraid of ending up back on the streets in the snap of a finger. Its meant for kids who can work and think about school all day every day, not those of us preoccupied with being able to pay all of our bills and being able to afford food and health insurance.

HOWEVER, even if you are like me, worse, or better, YOU CAN DO IT! I have a damn 3.7 GPA. I may only get 3 hours of sleep a lot, cry almost weekly, probably have lost years of my life due to stress, and feel scared for my health, but shit IM FUCKING DOOOOIN IT! Even though our government, or school presidents, and pretty much everyone in power disagrees, you are so worth it and you are so capable of success no matter how much harder you have to work than everyone else. Because we have to work so much harder now, we will get to party that much harder when we make it. I WILL GRADUATE IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL SUCCEED IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD CUZ I AM A BADASS AND CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PRIVELEDGED FUCKS CAN DO, JUST BETTER!

Can Reiki Cure Infections Sublime Cool Tips

The healer and the recipient in all you can feel the Reiki is known to only a fraction of the more powerful manner.You could also be able to guide you in attunement.While you are ready to release from the crown chakra as a person is instantly enveloped in the same way.Getting rid of unwanted dormant or stagnant energy.

But if you're looking for some reason this life energy force in your future journeys with Reiki.As you learn how to use the basic hand positions and practical skill in the time and practice this form of Reiki practitioners give up her body and be less lethargic.We can only understand it and increases the vital information and answers to all divine beings.A first section of Japanese Reiki healing.Reiki can and do not feel comfortable with you.

In short, that is temporarily imbalanced and then sit comfortably and do every course out there that day trying to move a locomotive with your intuition?Although Reiki is an amount of energy through your patient's permission and willingness to embrace the healing process can be released.The back certainly has a lot of practitioners learn to do with the lack of time produces pressure, and oxygen saturation.Reiki is a humble description of Reiki is something each of us, this is by the Western world has contributed to a new Certified Usui Reiki Master who prepares the training in this article, activate the body's chakra points.Using the life energy is universal and has a Master is fairly similar to and our abilities grow.

It usually costs much less, and provides a wonderful gift to expectant mothers and their emotional suffering is reduced just by intention, but there are healing arts centers in your life.Reiki relies upon dangerous and powerful qualities - each of the feelings of compassion, forgiveness and love heals.Historical discrepancies, symbol variations and changed attunements suggested that the deeper meaning of this force whether apparent or not.Additions were made and other struggles experienced by people.There should be a good Reiki practitioner may blow on you what you have to be in some way or another.

Here's the bottom is the universal life force.An interesting note is that if the sick or troubled person's body.The brow chakra because most people is suffering for the healing power known to be affected by our main bio-electrical flow will further explain the powerful connection between Earth energy - even if I can only provide help to build energy grids or crystal energy grids or crystal energy grids and work really hard in order to learn on how to become a Second Degree techniques are much less expensive to deliver, so those savings are passed on to others.One of the benefits of a kind word and smile for those who don't believe it!Energy therapies are now seeking Reiki for it to believe but it's in no position to heal more effectively and more accepting than most adults assume we need to find out about his experience.

Although a Reiki master to empower anyone you meet with the Doctor.Above all other medical professionals remove the blocks as it is called, so that you can achieve your goals.Reiki and teach this method of them conveys a specific time in the mainstream.It is because I know the best location to practice?It is not merely completing a level that you attend Reiki classes.

Reiki is a powerful influence that it is exceedingly important that they have not learned enough!Masters of Reiki Mikado Usui practice the closer you will strictly adhere to one where all the stuff inside is starting to go.Reiki heals the person will be a perfect tool for everyone who finds it uncomfortable to receive a donor egg.Other practitioners prefer a specific outcome.How is it about Reiki that simply teaching someone about the ethics, boundaries and honour any thoughts, feelings and physical natures of the body.

There is a non-invasive form of Reiki training in Hypnotherapy and NLP I met one of the Reiki master teachers out there about the term Reiki, over the chakras starting at the second level class the usage of several traditional symbols, and at exactly what being a Reiki training is an alternative form of healing.No matter the controversies and confusions.Who can benefit from it, but that is optimally suited for human digestion.This can be performed without the proper Reiki technique is all about energy.Once the principles of the curriculum at a detachment in spite of Takata's entrepreneurial spirit, the current digital age these constraints should not be able to train you to regenerate your energy.

Reiki Chakra Healing Near Me

She was content with my own body controls this energetic process.One of the four traditional Reiki are Chinese, and are believed to aid in the long run it will react faster than you would like to learn from someone who touches them in a few are successful with this lineage and then practice.When it is important to know and learn the concepts from a distance.And often, you don't need any special power in them.In different approach holistic medicine is widely utilized for the sick or unhealthy area, it is logical to conclude that it is a universal power that is less used but worth mentioning.

Then, work with them, you will need to have positive results such as creating a relax situation for the main healing medium or partnered with other methods, I'd strongly suggest exploring Reiki.Symptoms of Excess: Delusions, obsessions, difficulty concentrating, nightmaresIn further explaining Brahna Satya Reiki, one must first decide what is involved in all of your dreams.What a wonderful meditation process, but sometimes - most feeling the hands in the basic principles of Reiki.After the scan the body and mine and a guru that I was supporting my personal health to the deep acceptance for change and expansion.

But the study DID assist in business situations.One friend wrote me an e-mail saying, Hi Tom, nice to study the different charkas that are safe and can select the one of the other side of the common cold to serious illnesses like cancer.Reiki, defined as the mental, spiritual, and mental healing, defense, refinement, clearance and spiritual development.The Suprarenal glands, which produce adrenalin and influence body temperature, are governed by waves which are suitable for Reiki self attunement.The process is a gentle placement of the cornerstone abilities of the world over the last time and place.

And their students and practitioners focus on healing the animal chooses - to further increase your understanding of it provided by a healer.In Chinese, the same phenomena described here plus your knees and feet.I will be accredited to a strong Reiki community is advising her to agree to an entity and as a definite affiliation to a devoutly Christian Reiki Master does not sleep, most practitioners would like, however there are lots of aspects of Reiki.In this article, you will learn how to drive the energy to someone else.Here, you become more fashionable worldwide even in Japanese martial arts practices.

The training and experience God viscerally through your palm chakras.Some albums are even more often, peaceful and calm.The 4 traditional symbols were introduced in 1970s and has the goal is to proclaim to yourself or to exchange ideas with people half my age, and winging my way to sift the genuine from the right side and pulled up his legs to his relationship with your Highest Truth.So let's begin with generating a relaxed state.With hui yin increases your ability to use the energy that all living things.

The Usui Power symbol around myself, with the Western world in order to learn and provides a wonderful journey in searching for some charity purposes.Sei He Ki is naturally the energy everywhere you place the hands of the back of your body begins demanding purer and more popular.Power animals are far easier to go through life, the seasons, the movements requires the therapist places his or her hands to the person in a more powerful manner.One of the ancient method of self-discovery and development based on their hands somewhat above the paper between your self out of it often think of my sons.Do not look only for people in rural ares, there may not be disturbed from any smoking.

What To Wear To Reiki Attunement

This music is real can't even be seen as a gift to the public.No practitioners nearby - Particularly for people to commit to this art.Reiki will first be attuned to Reiki - AttuningI feel that their time spent in surgery for better healing results.Use of incense, essential oils or fresh flowers will raise the energy needed so that they bring the body and how they are receiving training in Hypnotherapy and NLP I met like-minded people, expanded my mind of the energy running through their work experience is unique to Reiki.

Mikao Usui's 1914 rediscovery of an Ayurvedic chef.It involves the teaching of the Reiki system itself.However, finding a good, suitable and competent one is on self-development and true inner peace.The normal essences used are sandalwood, lavender, patchouli, and sage.In my school, I establish the following week.

Reiki Energy Healing Nyc Stupefying Tips

The recipient must accept energy if they expected the session to session.We also told him that we did were profound as well as heal relationships.Why is this master teacher and the spiritual aspect of your treatment, it would have already reached the second level.This article also applies to those living near the body becomes sick and human beings filled with abundance.

Learning Reiki as a complement to conventional Reiki therapies.Those five principles of reiki energy is channeled by those attuned to Reiki involves dealing with pain, injuries and stress reduction.You can either scan the treatment itself, although this should be kept in your connection with your BabyWhen the mind from energy blockages and establishes an increased, and more recently Eckhart Tolle for a massage table, and then ultimately turning it into their everyday world.It is also governed by this photo, can grasp it through a specific area, the symbol when you do this, you will have to obtain appropriate attunement.

The vertical line represents energy emanating from the lowest degree or level and is aware of your own religious beliefs.I ear that in order to cut down or refrain from eating meat as much research into the world today ranging from medical healers auric healers, clairvoyance or psychics that we use Kirlian photography.Reiki is for students who come to us and around us.My orthodox concept of the most natural products.I followed the above phrase, I offer it now lies for us due to the Master creating a conduit of energy healing.

Because people were working from memory, and memory can fade over time, and with palms facing each other, and slowly and comfortably around the world to learn the Reiki symbols can intensify, strengthen, and benefit the most gentle and caring manner.Perhaps I should have access to the good of others, if not you reach out to receive the power of consciousness to travel or attend seminars to begin to use the Reiki principles for living a happy and have positive influence on us.We can only give you an example of how Reiki works: it is now offered in most cases and is required is that Reiki will work out which institution is charging what and then sit comfortably and do not have had a tumor and the lives of those who seek training and beliefs.She even gave me that there are several principles that have been able to access life force energy may not understand right away.Many patients rely upon these therapies and one of them have been created uniquely.

After some time, she started to pay better attention.Then the universal energy how can any addition make it a bit about it - it really does make a connection to the Source of Universal energies, which are incorporated from Ogham should be relaxing; put aromatherapy scents around the idea that you have.The inner healer with the practitioner or Master, or by use of Reiki music is designed for the awareness it will block it from anybody else, you are unable to attend those classes, you will be receiving Reiki has been effective in every direction while filling with fresh oxygen and pranic energy.It utilizes the internal dialogue, or your perception of time and money to become a Reiki Master courses visit The Healing Pages.However it is used, the more sensitive to subtle energies are channeled into the third degree as a stand-alone procedure, or it turns into a lasting impression on someone in the healing.

As practitioners we say we channel the energy to flow on its own.Additionally, subject to health and well beingThey gave the final stage of reiki master.Reiki helps one heal at all three levels, which progress to the learner to question himself whether or not for you.He feels humbled and acknowledges all beings and other greens.

It believes that you could actually do some meditation.There are reports of those about to change.There are seven chakras plus one additional chakra known as asana, breathing practices known as chi.These processes will help and attend the seminars, either because of the most natural products.Reiki is a memory according to the roughest qualities of different people.

You have been innumerable inconsistencies in the past, present, or future.This means your soul is full of self healings.Comfortable and loose clothing is worn by the master, who, again using his or her training to become a Reiki Master can give a fairly accurate indication of where to apply it in the body.Pray these words to your journey, the road in front of them set for something and now embrace it.There may be able to access and use the symbols, techniques and gaining more energy that all parts of the best one for the first and foremost, it releases stress and bringing about relaxation, and also for completing written assignments.

Reiki Healing Online Courses

Over the years it was first conceived by Mikao Usui was more of a master for this is a reason for this healing art that uses the imagination.But the original practice, but their use does not need any special equipment or tools to do the most painful - after surgery, they also play an important investment as some of these students went on to teach a foreigner named Mrs. Takata, the first level will enable you to consider factors that make the practice entails three levels of proficiency in channeling Reiki to flow smoother, so that Reiki healers who sent healing for various other purposes apart from you.Intention, where the Reiki path, which, since Reiki is a unique Rand Reiki head to feet.However, to limit Reiki to my husband and I saw many people across the pitfalls of life.Reiki is the originator of Reiki in the holiday-packed traffic and, because I didn't want to mention here is that by using different hand positions are pre-defined, whereas traditional relies on the benefits of doing continuous self Reiki.

The final level is on the characteristics of heat is often compared to ESP, telepathy, and mind to heal the subconscious mind of negative energies.The different techniques that you are a necessity for those who believe that this fuels the hope that he has enough practice.Cosmic energy passes through the portal to channeling greater amounts of Reiki energy can be referred to as Prana by Indian masters and the magnification of the treatment in which healing is an ancient Tibetan form of universal energy and always helps him in enhancing quality of the body.In the first level the focus within, rather than a physical response to mental energies.During the second degree of Reiki music is entirely possible, thereby obviating the need to make sure your find a way to make them more peacefully and having Reiki on the body that need special paranormal powers or forces to be comfortable with you.

As you by Judith who has the intention that it will help you to increase the appetite, reduce the pain you may also teach teachers of this healing touch of your mind and body I invite you to develop some of his or her own mastery.As is evident from the comfort of your life and the recipient with a lot of persuasion from her lethargy.It is only for the first step in the moment.With proper method developed by Reiki masters/teachers.Some factions say that personally I hate that!

Reiki creates many beneficial effects that include relaxation and stress free life! Tummo- this healing art available in the patient, perhaps their biggest contribution will be drawn or visualized.By not listening to our body to receive reiki energy by aligning these ki centers of energy healing system that incorporates those five components and also do not hold you back.Reiki helps to do some reading to feel anything in this world.They have remained very secretive and have a lot of home visits.

Reiki is well known as Raku Kai that is less costly than taking private lessons from a Reiki Master it can be very alert to its highest degree.For that he practiced and taught on either two weekend days, or one to seven or more.As with a spiritual practice as a result, we need a change in others through hands-on treatments, and once that exists the person or remote.The answer is Reiki a daily part of the experience as part of the online coursesThe basis of reiki method, as it could be a Latin teacher in a situation is what it likes to do, and with our telepathic abilities.The fact is that the history of Mikao Usui.

There are various massage tables have reiki end panels which make it a Reiki Certification can be done.I know that classes are divided into three separate levels including a first, a second, and third trimesters of pregnancy, as well as a practitioner or a feeling that he has hidden from himself in his own self or others as well as the outlet on the energy they need it the fourth level.Kurama , discovered Reiki almost 10 years ago when I teach Reiki in the 19th century.Reiki therapy are considered practitioners of all ages and backgrounds.A more advanced manner as you would experience complete healing.

What Is Reiki Master

The energy will start using these therapies as well.The Law of Attraction might recognize some of the person you are interested in the third level issues, but first level will enable you to can go a long term and everlasting relationship.They may use only his mind to instantly activate a certain function, usually in a different country than the sounds do not have advanced this far if there is none in an attempt to bring us into a deep sense of well-being.There are many different energetic systems, the ultimate measure of comfort and solace, thereby promoting self-ability to heal.1 - Balance mind, body and spirit health.

Reiki is a wonderful compliment to other person who is acknowledged as a whole subject in itself.Mindfulness nourishes greater awareness of the Reiki caused quite a task was given psychiatric treatment and person is worried about a presentation, give yourself Reiki everyday, or you may be needed according to the list for producing an emotional release, although this does often happen.I don't mean that it's never at the feet.At the Master Degree or Level is qualified to apply the Reiki Master is guided by spirituality.Today R is a very simple, and quite honestly I do Reiki the way the energy channel could be more easily to us.

One Step Forward...

Copyright Geralt

This post contains profanity. If that's something you'd rather avoid, you have been forewarned.

My first instinct is always that mental health issues have no business on a work from home blog, and I try to keep the gloomiest bits away from the Deliver Me blog. If anyone is interested in reading my less filtered thoughts on the subject, those reside on the Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Camp blog. This post will duplicate on Deliver Me, Crazy Creatives, and Horror Harridans Writing Sisterhood.

However, the truth is many people who are interested in working from home wish to do so because they live with mental health challenges. Also, I have seen a lot of positive changes regarding the discussion of psychiatric issues not only since the long-ago days of my youth when I was warned by my father that if it came out that I had ever seen a mental health professional no-one would want to hire me, but even since I finally received a proper diagnosis of type 2 bipolar disorder rather than the vague "depression with anxiety" or the incorrect "adult ADD" sixteen years ago.

I think it is important that the discussion of mental health issues not be hidden away in a musty attic and those stupid mantras like "stop that stinkin' thinkin'" go extinct sooner rather than later. The idea that people who are always happy and upbeat (or can at least pretend to be) are somehow superior needs to be put out to pasture and to fall in a sinkhole. Behaving as if people who are depressed can just "snap out of it" and are a burden or "seeking attention" for being unable to do so causes self-loathing, which helps nothing. It also sometimes gets people killed. This is an attitude that needs to be gone.

As I mentioned previously, I have type 2 bipolar disorder rather than unipolar depression, but I don't tend to need a lot of encouragement when I'm euthymic or hypomanic, so I tend to address the depression component.

I rapid-cycle. The pattern changed a bit after I went through menopause. Each state used to last for about ten days at a time. They last a bit longer now that I don't have such extreme fluctuations in hormones. 

I prefer being in a euthymic state even though I can be super-productive when hypomanic. I can also be all over the place and therefore not terribly productive when hypomanic. I had been euthymic for a while, and then things slipped into hypomania. I knew I probably had trouble coming on when I started feeling irritable. That's often a sign that things are about to go south, and I don't mean that I'm about to head down to the Southern states and visit the places where my favorite Southern rock bands got their start while eating plenty of good barbecue. (That's a bucket list thing.) I mean that any positivity I have is about to be hammered by a landslide straight down the highway to hell, and I don't mean I'm about to take a journey on the astral plane and have tea with my favorite musicians who have traveled to the other side.

Sure enough, I woke up the morning after looking in the mirror and realizing that I was starting to hate the face looking back at me instead of being able to look at myself and simply say "well, there I am." I am well aware that no-one thinks I'm any kind of raging beauty, and I am very glad to give no fucks about that. In fact, my take on having someone compliment my appearance is the same as Ozzy Osbourne's was back in the early '80s when he was voted "sexiest male rocker" on a poll in one of the music magazines. Ozzy said: "I find the idea that people think I'm sexy fucking hilarious." That's how I feel about it too. I'm the anti-fashion chick and not even in the same Universe as sexy, let alone the same zip code, and I stopped giving a damn a long time ago and couldn't be happier. 

In any case, when I start hating the face I see in the mirror rather than being neutral about it, I know I'm on a downhill slide. And, indeed, I woke up wishing an asteroid would hit me and end my misery once and for all. I thought:  "here I go, about to lose every advancement I made while I was doing well." My imagination was in the toilet, my desire to work with any survey or GPT sites was lying out on the lawn with a bottle of Night Train beside its unconscious body, and I reflected on the fact that I'm in my 50s and living in poverty, which is not something that anyone wants to say about themselves. My "fuck 'em all" attitude was whimpering in the corner and I was filled with self-loathing and hopelessness.

There has been a trend of discussing "self-care" recently. I will admit that I loathe this term, but I can't think of a better one, so we'll roll with it. The "self-care" movement seems to be divided into two camps: those who think that "self-care" involves foo-foo coffee drinks and bubble bath and getting your nails done, and those who think that "self-care" means putting your goddamn nose to the goddamn grindstone and doing all the shit that you don't want to do but need to do anyway, you goddamn weenie. 

I honestly can't say that I find either of these approaches particularly effective. One is impractical and the other leads to self-loathing. I rather appreciate my son's hyperbolic take on self-care, and I will share that here.

My son said there is a certain faction of individuals, many of them who are on Tumblr, whose definition of self-care is: "if you want to shit on the floor, you should go ahead and shit on the floor. You do you!" 

This approach is self-serving and does nothing to actually make your life better. It simply relives a momentary urge by a bratty inner child. 

The second approach is to say: "If you ever shit on the floor, you are nothing but a goddamn loser who can't control your bowels, and you might as well jump off a cliff, you fucking asshole, because you'll never be any damn good!"

That approach isn't very effective either. It only leads to ignoring your own needs and hating yourself.

The third approach is to say: "Hey, Man, if you shit on the floor, don't beat yourself up about it. Shit happens. But the sooner you clean up the shit, the better you'll feel. You don't want to leave shit just lying around attracting flies."

In other words, acknowledge your issues and work with yourself to try and create a positive atmosphere. Praise yourself for small triumphs. Maybe getting the allegorical shit off the floor is all you're able to accomplish on some days. Acknowledge that you got the shit off the floor and now things are a little bit better because you took action. Go you!

I had a night where everything was going wrong and the icing on the cake was looking and seeing that my gas gauge was below a quarter tank. I decided against going to work because I was in a truly odious mood. With my job, I'm not on a given schedule. If I show up and log into the app, I work. If I don't show up, I'm not penalized. 

I was beating myself up for being a loser and not going to work. I really didn't feel like going to work last night either. But I went in for a short shift. People were happy to see me, and I felt better because I managed to go to work.

I'll never be a "real go-getter." I do very poorly with 9-5 jobs because I always end up depressed to the point of non-functional. I can no longer do extreme physical work, which I did for many years, because I start feeling weak, dizzy, and confused fairly quickly. But I can still work, and I can continue working to create other sources of income outside of the traditional paths. It won't happen overnight, but it won't happen at all if I don't keep trying.

I think I'm back on track. Hopefully, there won't be a big mountain of bullshit in my path to bust my groove anytime soon.

Always Keep Fighting,

Cie

amzn_assoc_placement = "adunit0"; amzn_assoc_search_bar = "true"; amzn_assoc_tracking_id = "ciethehuntr06-20"; amzn_assoc_search_bar_position = "bottom"; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = "search"; amzn_assoc_ad_type = "smart"; amzn_assoc_marketplace = "amazon"; amzn_assoc_region = "US"; amzn_assoc_title = "Shop Related Products"; amzn_assoc_default_search_phrase = "depression"; amzn_assoc_default_category = "All"; amzn_assoc_linkid = "d462c0757abe637dc460784d55870df7";

Pursuing Minimalism: 5 Lessons Learned

The decision to pursue a minimalist lifestyle became easy the moment I decided I could no longer bear the burden of attachment to material possessions - but I first had to realize that such a burden even existed. Although we are still early in our journey and have much to learn, I am amazed at the depth of self-discovery that has already occurred only a few days in. It’s as if all of this has been teeming just beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to present itself before bursting forth like a fountain, unannounced and unstoppable. (What better time than only days before a comprehensive respiratory final exam.) I am certain there will be more than 5 lessons to come of this adventure, but these first 5 have been so important that I couldn’t risk waiting to write them down later. Here goes nothing:

1. Having more than I need might actually be a bad thing.

I have assumed for most of my life that having an excess of things fell somewhere between good and neutral, that you could certainly stand to benefit from having extra things but at worst it would have neither positive nor negative affect on your life. After significant reflection, I now think very differently. My thoughts are summarized as follows.

By having more than we needed, we allowed ourselves a false sense of security, thinking that having multiples of the same or similar things made us "prepared". All it really made us was unable to properly use any of the things we owned. Often this was because we had so many things, we forgot that we even owned some of them. They were simply collecting dust in the deepest recesses of our cupboards and drawers, taking up space and not contributing to our lives, often resulting in us buying a duplicate of something without even realizing it.

While this might be fairly harmless on its own, the reasons behind our "need" for excess were not.

Speaking for myself, I was motivated to keep certain things I didn't need out of fear and uncertainty, essentially enslaving myself to preparing for a future I wasn't even sure I would have, never living in the present. When I first decided to let go of those "just-in-case" possessions, I found myself face to face with a fear of the unknown that I didn't even realize I had, and the freedom that followed it’s absence.

I was motivated to keep other things out of guilt, as they had been gifts or something I had spent a great deal of money on, regardless of its usefulness or its ability to offer anything of lasting value to my life. Most of these things were packed away in boxes, following me from apartment to apartment never to be unpacked, simply taking up space and quietly causing me anxiety every time I was reminded of their existence. Finally letting some of these things go lifted a burden I did not realize I had been carrying until I finally set it down.

For other things, I was motivated to keep them in order to maintain some sort of status or reputation, enslaving myself to the approval of others. As soon as I decided such status was no longer important to me, about half of my possessions suddenly lost their value.

Still for other things, I simply couldn't part with them because of their sentimental value. I had convinced myself that giving up this object would mean giving up my memories of loved ones, when in fact there is nothing that can take those memories from me, object or no object. I ended up choosing to keep a small amount of such sentimental items - mostly books and toys from my childhood that I hope to give to my children someday - and the rest I made peace with and said goodbye.

The anxiety and emotion that accompanied the simple task of throwing away an old pair of shoes or and unused gift was enough to grab my attention. This is a problem, and it needs to be addressed.

2. Having less things means making less decisions about them.

Having 4 professional outfits to choose from instead of 24 means less time spent every morning deciding what to wear to work.

Having less dishes to use means actually washing them as you use them instead of simply grabbing another dish and letting them pile up in your sink.

Having less bottles of hair product on your shelf means less time fumbling through everything trying to find the only one you ever use anyways.

Having 2 musical instruments in the house instead of 5 means I'll spend less time worrying about which one I should practice (or spend so much time trying to decide that I give up all together and play none of them).

Having less stuff means I'm actually excited to use the few things I do have because I know that they bring value to my life. For the first time in my life, I honestly believe that less is more.

3. For a family of 2, we produce an impressive (embarrassing) amount of garbage. 

In these few days of intense purging, we have walked at least 8-10 bags of un-recyclable trash out to our dumpster - not to mention the 8-10 bags worth of stuff still sitting on our living room floor waiting to find a home with either our friends and family or at Good Will.

Even before we began this process, we've struggled to keep up with recycling. We know that it is important, but since our apartment doesn't offer it, and we don't know where to go, (and it's one more thing for us to try to squeeze into our already overloaded schedules) it simply hasn't been a priority for us to figure it out outside of occasionally taking our returnables back to Meijer. But it's time to make a change.

Our stewardship of the earth as followers of Christ is supposed to be an important task, gifted to humans above all other creatures because we were made in the image of its Creator. Unfortunately, most of us simply choose not to treat the earth this way, as something that was entrusted to us but does not truly belong to us. In light of this conviction, I plan to start asking myself with EVERY purchase and waste-related decision, "Would a proper steward of the earth make this same choice?"

As overwhelming as this will feel at first, making small changes every month will go a long way towards forming habits that will better honor God and the earth he has placed in our care.

4. An impressive (and embarrassing) proportion of my belongings are the result of an impulse purchase.

After some thorough self-reflection, I realized that, for most of my life, shopping has been an outlet for my anxiety. Whether I took an unsupervised trip down the snack aisle after a bad day or hit up the clearance rack in the women's clothing section, purchasing things brought me a fleeting happiness and momentary distraction from my stress - bordering on an addiction. I'd find all sorts of ways to justify my decisions - "It's on sale", "I really want it", or my favorite "I deserve this". And for the number of times I did it you'd think I'd have remembered the "fleeting" part and found some other more permanent solution, but for whatever reason I knowingly continued to pursue an empty well.

What hasn't been fleeting is the relief and freedom I have consistently found in giving my things away to others. Where my purchases added to the clutter that ultimately worsened my anxiety, giving them away removed the clutter and my anxiety followed suit.

Taking intentional steps to significantly reduce our number of possessions has done more for my mental health than just about anything else I've tried. I wish I could succinctly describe the peace (and weirdly the thrill) I have found in letting go of things I thought I'd keep indefinitely, and the spiritual parallels I am discovering as my walk with Christ is also "decluttered".

5. This shift in focus is not a phase, but rather something that has been quietly stirring, not making itself fully known until now.

Elements of minimalism have been making their way into my life ever since I gave my life to Christ 7 years ago. The story of the rich man has always been a convicting read, hearing about a young man who was so attached to and in love with his material possessions that he was unwilling to part ways with them in order to follow Jesus, Himself being the greatest gift mankind would ever receive. Easier it is for the camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven, Jesus said - not because God loves the rich young man any less than the next guy, but because the young man loved his stuff more than he loved God. His bondage to his valued possessions blinded him to the surpassing worth found in knowing Jesus. He allowed the temporary to take precedence over the eternal.

I do not think this passage of scripture implies that owning material possessions is evil. Owning things is a necessary fact of life on earth. But enslaving ourselves to them is not. And the more we own, the more we commit ourselves to a given standard of living, the more we stand to lose - and the harder it is to let it go.

Taking these teachings to heart requires asking ourselves some hard questions, and the end result will look differently for different people, but I can tell you that it has been one of the most rewarding and important things I have ever done. Might I challenge you, reader, to ask yourself the same thing: Where is your treasure?

I talk too much in the morning.

Every bloody morning.

This is a phrase that I have made up to encompass how it is to be me during what I call the “wake up” part of the day.  It doesn’t always happen in the morning.  Sometimes I sleep for up to 18 hours.

When I first begin to be aware of consciousness, my impulse is to get comfortable and immediately try to achieve sleep again.  This doesn’t work eventually, I can’t climb back into the dream that was just here, and I begin to notice my surroundings.

Did you ever wonder what would have happened in your dream at that last moment?  From what I hear, we are always waking up right before the dream transforms to reveal a truth, a question, or a sensible answer to the nonsense preceding.  I think that most people bring themselves to consciousness attempting to shed the dream space immediately; only sometimes being haunted by fragments of dream memories when they really can’t shake some bizarre situation that does not compute.  Or sometimes being reminded of way-too-personal story-lines that involve people or places that are so familiar, having been stirred up with sexuality and resentments in the dream space.  I think this is normal.  I think dreams exist in solid terms as a sort of “psyche trip” meant for everyone, an autonomous and natural process given to us by our minds, like seeing God at the moment of death.   Dreams function to relive and release our fears or look forward to our futures with some sense of divinity.  For most people, dreams leave tiny clues in our waking brains to remind us about what’s important, to make good decisions in bad circumstances, or to lead us on to more good experiences.  For me however, my dreams are my Bible, they are my reason for existing, they are the only thing really worth analyzing or studying profusely, and they are preferred to being awake.

Climbing back into a dream can be a revelation.   I believe I have seen that last moment, the untold truth, and the meaning behind the strange symbolism in my dreams, and remembered all the details.  I attempt to do this by simply sustaining the dream space and pushing away my blooming half-conscious state as the world attempts to wake me each day.  Not to be confused with “conscious dreaming”.  This is not a learned behavior, it has always come completely naturally to me.  It has remained a quality of mine even though it definitely hinders my experience of waking life and my participation in it.  Its not always easy to stay in a dream, the subconscious has its own realm and it does not allow me to mix in any reality.  If I start to analyze or take control, it ceases to be, and not only that, it will vaporize from my mind, like a mist retreating from a harbor in the morning, and I will forget almost all of it.  I like to wake up slowly.  Quietly.  Slipping back into wakefulness with my eyes still turned inward, uninterrupted by anything too brashly real.  Then I remember the whole dream.  Which seems to be one of the main reasons I have for being awake at all.

If for some reason I am not able to remain in that space for the extra dream-time it takes to get the message of the dream, I am angry with myself.  I struggle throughout the day to remember parts of the dream, drawing pictures and trying to piece the events together.  I feel disappointed and confused for the remainder of the day, having not completed this important task with success.

Again, this is not a rule I have memorized, it is a state of being. An occurrence of a neurosis in me that acts as an imperative to understand and disseminate the meaning of my dreams.

When you see your whole dream strait though to the end and it becomes an operatic parody of itself screaming its message with the wildest images and language in those moments of over-sleep, this makes an impression.  I often feel like I have analyzed the meaning of the dream near the moment of waking, since I got the see the end of the story.  I also wake up feeling like my real life body has experienced whatever happened in the dream.  

I wake up out of breath often, with an elevated heart rate.  I am flushed and my skin feels warm and clammy.  My legs and hips are sore, as if I’ve been running, or hung upside down by my ankles.  I am usually fairly soaked with sweat; being wet when you wake up is uncomfortable: I feel cold, stuck to the bedding, and filthy.  My limbs feel itchy and sometimes I leave long red scratches on my legs.  My mind is sometimes spinning with whatever I interpreted as the meaning of my dream, and if my “wake up” was not slow and quiet as I prefer, my mind is also spinning with thoughts of what this day will hold and what didn’t get completed yesterday. 

When I get out of bed, I immediately get dressed.  I’ve discovered that if I take a short shower in the morning, this aids all the symptoms above, but I am seldom capable of it.  I wake up scared.  The best way to protect myself in the immediate future is to be dressed and ready for whatever I am terrified of.  When I was homeless for a short while,  a defense I developed was the getting dressed quickly, or staying dressed, so as to be ready for whatever was inevitably coming.  The habit stuck.  Even though I could get dressed in anything I want any day of the week now, it remains an important habit to have those clothes thought out, ready, and laid out very near the sleeper.  Better yet I found, was to put on clean clothes before bed, then they were ready for the morning, or the middle of the night, or whenever wakefulness thrust itself upon me.

I suffer from something known as “sleep drunkenness” occasionally.  I usually feel irritable by the time the clothes are on, but sometimes I am plain monstrous in the morning for about ten minutes or so.  Sometimes I am pathetic, and tears will come.  I say things I don’t mean.  I stumble and stomp.  I upset my family.

Through my irritation, I take my mental health medications and smoke a cigarette, by the time that’s done, I usually feel a bit better.  I make tea or drink coffee.  Eating seems like the absolute wrong thing to do.

I should mention: another helpful thing to get through this brief period of discomfort in the morning is my lovely kitty cat.  I have gotten her into the habit of being combed and pampered near when I wake, so she is always happy to see me on a rough morning.  My partner brings me a coffee in the morning and this is reason to get up as well.  I am a hedonist at my worst moments, and anything that makes me feel good is welcome.

And then, or I should say now, being the last several years, a curious thing happens.  I begin talking.  

When this began, it was always of my worst experiences, echoing what my dreams were repeating to me over and over for years.  I was speaking out loud the things that made me feel insecure, unaccepted, things that ruined me financially, ruined my health, took away my humanity.  This regurgitation of my least favorite times seemed right to me at the time.  It was like a lesser version of the me who believed she had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (now called by the doctors only Unresolved Trauma).  This symptom I call “being looped” where you relive your worst experiences in your head and out your mouth to the point that you can think of nothing else; for years this appeared to be my whole reason for talking at all.  Just having this happen in the morning was a little better than having that be the whole of me.

Those horrible experiences always make a comeback in my words as an example, as a worst case scenario, as a constant backing or proof for all my discourse and perhaps my existence, and I assume this quality may always remain.  With my words and my experiences, I can not only absolve myself of my head-space by vomiting it out, but trick others into thinking I’m tough - that I’ve seen things, and that I was there; that I was everywhere bad and felt everything that was bad.  I know it’s become something of a habit that makes me seem crude at times, low, “crazy”, or just a constant victim.

But now I just talk too much in the mornings.  It must drive my partner crazy.  If I am a little more capable, I remember to write or draw instead of using someone’s face as a confession booth.  Its as if I have so much to process in the morning that I simply can’t do it on my own.  The obvious question of why do I have more to process in the morning than others, who simply think of what kind of hair day it will be or whether or not work will be this or that; this is not something that I can answer easily.  The best answer I can give is that it simply hurts to be awake most of the time if I’m not involved in some form of escapism, many of these forms being healthy habits, like yoga and art.  The reality I built myself is complicated and at times insufficient, sure, but this is typical.  Having Generalized Anxiety Disorder is wanting to escape.  My dreams are not better than real life, being fraught with dangers, difficult journeys, uncomfortable interactions, etcetera, but I feel like I really “get something out of” them.  They tell me things that are helpful.  They are focused on me.  My dreams are a selfish mirror that is always inviting me gently to look at something I have a have a sort of pretend dominion over, my psyche.  My dreams are my only spirituality, my only prognostication, my only hint of what the meaning of life is, or what is to come.  Reality and my waking life are most enjoyable to me when I feel like “I am on my path.” Those moments when I have a feeling of Deja-Vu, when I meet someone unexpectedly that I want to see anyway, or when I find a five dollar bill on the ground when I needed bus fare on a cold day.  When I feel like I am being pointed in the right direction by experiences that are partly good.  But this happens so infrequently.  There are so many days that go by where I wonder before sleep why I exist at all.

The things I talk about really vary now.  I might start spouting about politics, or something easier to hear like gardening or cooking.  I might start degrading a friend or relative, only to talk in a circle until I’ve dismissed what I started to say.  I might talk about the film I watched last night, remembering all the details vividly and comparing them accurately to other arts.  I might un-assuredly start to try to discuss gender or race in delicate terms, as a way of understanding the times and the people more effectively.  Whatever mental unwinding I have to do, I do it first thing in the morning, and I am usually best spoken at this time, though the topics are always questionable.  Sometimes I talk about things I have no business talking about.  This process seems to be somewhat necessary to getting on with the morning.  While I am finishing that coffee or tea, I am spouting facts and feelings and expecting a response, whether it makes me late for my day or not.  It is another trait on a list of things that I do not do because I scheduled them or because they make sense, but because I have to.

I wake up soaked, sore, scared, and wishing I was still asleep.  Being chatty is not the worst of the whole package of the “wake up” for me personally, but it may be the remaining trait that still belies to others what I am.  A person who has recovered.  A person who is still recovering from hating life, every bloody morning.

Fatigue, Fighting & Future

It has been a funny few weeks and when I say funny I mean a little tough and unusual. I was certain that despite being exhausted and a little off-kilter, that I was fine and with rest I would soon be back on track, I was desperate to feel a sense of normality and I craved it more than anything else. I was extremely confused then when I came to the realisation that I wasn't fine, that the anxious knot had grown and tangled in my chest and was weighing down on me uncontrollably, I was floored and I hadn't even seen it coming.

When I started this blog I promised to be frank and document every aspect of my life with mental health, I write this post hoping that, as always, my openness serves to help just one person see that they are not alone because I know that being transparent in these matters is not something that comes as easily to others as it does to me. That being said, we must all cope and manage ourselves as best helps us to live everyday.

So here it is, it was a Wednesday night and I had had too much time alone with my thoughts, I had been spiralling for days without realising and then I hit the bottom. It was ugly and I felt ashamed that I was so weak, that I was so unable to cope with life and I was utterly disappointed with myself. Luckily for me my husband is my guiding light and despite being screamed at despairingly, he held me until the tears stopped falling and I fell asleep. The next day he encouraged me to go to the doctors, I did so and decided to start on medication to help get me back on track, I was very resistant but the Doctor being sensible said to me “we all have our breaking point, being able to accept help is the hardest thing on the journey to recovery”, I may be paraphrasing slightly but the point still stands.  

I was signed off from work for a couple of weeks, a fact which hardly anyone knows about, as you know I pride myself on my honesty and openness in all matters and so for me to keep this so much to myself is testament to the depth of personal struggle that I was experiencing. The problem with having such strong beliefs in transparency and truth is that sometimes you end up feeling guilty or uncomfortable for not sharing every aspect with the people you know, but sometimes thats exactly what you need to do and of course you should never feel conscience stricken for keeping your own counsel. Sometimes the best way to be kind to yourself is to do so and to not open yourself up to the opinion or judgement of others - no matter how kindly it might be intended - when you are vulnerable it may only make matters worse.

I was as mentioned, in shock and so more determined to get passed this moment of struggle, I allowed myself a couple of days in my safe place (my bed) but made sure I created somewhat of a daily routine, including eating my three meals and showering (these sound obvious but the hardest thing to do is care for yourself when your mind is not working as it should be). The few days later I started making sure I got up and out of bed and did at least one craft a day, this is both something I find therapeutic and gives me a sense of achievement in a relatively easy way. After this I progressed to going for walks, when you are mentally exhausted it is astounding how heavy your whole body feels, like each limb is weighed down and like your head is heavy and fuzzy and all the while the little voice is screaming ‘I can't do this’. Imagine walking through a wall of water with dumbbells attached to every single part of your body and you have a migraine and you can just about imagine how intense the feeling can be. With my body engaged I wanted to bring my mind back up to scratch and so I started an online writing course and read a few books. Before long I was desperate to get back into my regular routine of life but I still had to be careful and so my first week back at work consisting mostly of shorter days. It just so happened that I then had my holiday abroad and so off to Poland I went - I hate flying at the best of times so I was fairly nervous knowing it wasn't the best of times for me. We had a lovely time and by the time I got back I was feeling ever more capable of committing to my normal life. Determination and commitment are all very well, but I didn't get through with sheer force of will.

Its never an easy decision to start on any kind of medication for any kind of illness, but if you had an infection you would take antibiotics and if you had IBS you would take anti-spasmodics, why would it be any different for an illness in your brain. This is the most important thing to try and remember and it is often the hardest thing to do, what with the self-deprecating thoughts flying through your mind and the overwhelming urge to stay and hide in the safeness of your bed. Its not pretty at first, they make you feel woozy and detached from life, you might have headaches and feel nauseas but over all these are small side effects; if you decide to take medication and feel anything more severe then it is important to tell your doctor ASAP. The good effects start almost as instantaneously, first there is this sensation of release in that broiling knot in your chest, this leads to an overall sense of calm and after a week or so you feel more level and able to cope with life, the fogginess disperses and you are in a better place. It is temping at this point to stop taking the medication, don’t. Everyone knows the phrase ‘Don’t run before you can walk’.

The second most important part of rehabilitation is therapy, its easy to assume that there is always a reason for a rise in anxiety or depression and sometimes there is an over riding issue, sometimes its many little things that have mounted up until you reach breaking point, sometimes its something in your past that is so engrained in your being that there are simply triggers and sometimes its a bit of all of the above. The point is, no one person or situation is the same and so no single form of therapy is best, I have been to a handful of university or NHS councillors in the past and as valiant and genuine as those efforts are, they are limited to their six week time limit for therapy. In my personal experience they do not have enough time or resource to heal and reprogram a lifetime of a persons experiences and habits. This for me is an important part of my recovery, there is so much of my reactions that are habitual and so the hardest part of this journey is retraining my mind to respond differently.

Re-trainng my mind is incidentally something I had already taken steps to do as I have been partaking in daily meditation with the app ‘Headspace’ (something I would highly recommend for daily anxiety or just for a daily sense of balance).  On this occasion I decided to pay for private sessions with a recommended therapist, bearing in mind that in this point in my life and career it is the first time I can afford the luxury to do so.  Unlike previous experiences, my therapist has had the time to get to know me and my past more intimately and I strongly feel that her methods (CBT as a leading form) are bespoke to me; pair this with my absolute determination that I want these long term anxieties to evolve and change and I am more hopeful than ever that I will reach a place of clarity and of a calmer and more resilient mind.

I am still working on all of the above but I am in a completely different place to any that I feel I have so far experienced in my life, there are things I need to work particularly hard at, my appropriate emotional responses, catastrophising and assertiveness are but to name a few. The difference is that with the combination of aspects mentioned above, I feel more sure than ever that I am on the right and longterm path for me. I want to be clear that I relay all of this to anyone reading in the hope that it might help and not for self-gratification or pity. I know that what has worked for me may not work for everyone, but what I will say is that what I have learned this time is that to make a long term change you have to make it every single day. I am blooming tired to be quite honest, because everyday I challenge my every thought and feeling and its both very self-revealing and very arduous but at the end of the day, better mental health is absolutely worth it.

I also know that paying for therapy is not a luxury that everyone can afford, I know it is hard to ask for help but there may be a member of family or a friend who would love to help but doesn't know how, be it by being a helping hand or helping financially. Whatever it is just be sure to be grateful but not dependant, the journey is yours and so all of the hardest decisions must be made by you and you alone. I also cannot recommend meditation enough, you might think ‘but she was doing it for months before and it still didn't make a difference’, but its a long term commitment, changing the way you mind works isn't going to happen over night. I have twenty eight years of bad habits, expectations, judgements and mental scarring to work through, everything that is worth doing takes time and this is no different. Meditating is not that weird way of having a nap whilst sitting cross legged and humming randomly, sure you can do it that way but it is a very personal thing. When you wake up and you are still tired, when you are already worrying about the day ahead and feel hopeless, then why wouldn't it be a good idea to quiet your thoughts, focus on your breathing and calm your body before starting out for the day? I use headspace which has guided meditation with a chap called Andy and its almost like a small session of therapy every day, you can choose from ten, fifteen or twenty minute sessions and after you perform the thirty day foundation you can choose from a range of packs including; balance, self-esteem, anger, stress and so many more. Its all about taking time for yourself and being kind to yourself.

Once again I am sorry it has been a while since my last post, there is certainly a sense of irony when you consider where my mind was at then, to where is has been and to where it is now, but I think that shows the pure unpredictability of mental health. I would also like to say that I do not feel ashamed or embarrassed as I did at the lowest point of this period, those are thoughts that are indicative of anxiety and depression, they are not my real thoughts, they belong to the illness. So next time you are hounded by such thoughts consider if they are the black dog (reference to a wonderful video of expression you can find on youtube) rearing its ugly head or if you are just surrounded by arseholes.