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saturnsummer · 3 years

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helpless.

han joon hwi does all he can to save kang sol a. kang sol a, for the first time, realises she’s not alone.

ao3 link

notes: this has been manifesting in me ever since i saw the scene of sol a fainting. i’m sorry it’s so long, but i hope the law school fans like it! it’s my first time, but i’m open to request and improvements. do share with your fellow solhwi fans if you like it! any grammar mistakes and all will be taken fully responsible by me.

edit: this is written by @inactiverat , which is MY secondary account. i did not copy this from someone else. both accounts belong to ME. i am republishing this on my primary blog to better manage.

words: 4130 words.

it’s been a terrible day for sol.

forget about a terrible day, it has been a week of horror.

she can’t remember the last time she laid her head on the pillow of her clean sheets and mattress. with her semester test coming on friday, she has spent the entire weekend cramming for her test. she has opted to sleep at her desk for no more than 10 minutes at a time. her eyes sting from the roll-on muscle relief ointment that she rolls on every few hours under her eyes. her head pounds and the only things she has eaten are ramyeon and black coffee. (no sugar, extra shots.)

sol sighs as she fixes another highlighter in her top bun. she’s been staring at the same question for hours. she looks over her desk, hoping to find peace by seeing a sleeping sol b, but only remembers that she went home. her tiger mom’s orders, since “she shouldn’t study with her roommate, who is at the bottom of the cohort.”

sol visibly frowned as she thought of that sentence. she doesn't need to be reminded every minute and second of her life that she’s the worst. that whenever she fails a test, the smarty pants are cheering due to the bell curve. that she barely scrapes through every class. that she blubbers and mutters answers like an idiot in every lecture.

that’s why she works so hard. to show that she doesn't need money or connections to succeed in this school. that a single parented girl, making enough to get by, holding a part time job can be like the rest. for her mom, she tolerated years of violent abuse, yet still being so strong for her children. for dan, who she so desperately misses and wants to find, even though she knows dan may never want to see her. for byeol, the reason why she decided to study law; the only human she loves in this lawless world.

sol knows she’s pushing herself too hard. yeseul made an effort to remind her to sleep via text. bokgi teased her once during a study group after mentioning she looks like a disheveled panda. even professor kim pulled her out of lecture to give her a talk to remind her to eat.

but joon hwi hasn't.

she internally scoffs. she doesn’t expect him to. (what does a second round judicial exam passer want to know about the worst student?) and maybe, she doesn't want him to. she wants to show him she can do it on her own. she can’t count the number of times he helped her with her grades and cases. studying alone without help was the smallest thing she can do to show him her independence.

thus, she found every moment to stay away. well, from him, in particular. she only came to lectures on time, sat at the back (as opposed to next to him) and left immediately. she returns to her dorm to study (ditching study groups with him in it) and only leaves in the odd hours to get drinks and food when she’s absolutely starving. she hears the buzzes and rings from yeseul and joonhwi, but only smiles when they ask about her inactivity. (“it was dead. i must have forgotten to charge it again.”)

she sighs in frustration and stands from her chair, grabbing her phone and keys out to the pantry area. she needed more caffeine, if she was going to survive this night.

what she doesn't expect to see, is han joon hwi, devouring his late night snack of ramyeon at the table. the shuffling of her furry slippers raises his head from his precious bowl.

“you’re still up?” he asks.

it’s too late to turn around and pretend she didn’t see him. so instead, sol just nods silently as opposed to her defensive remarks. joon hwi stops slurping his noodles and sets the bowl aside. preparing to walk to the staircase, his next question freezes sol in her steps.

“why have you been avoiding me?”

his voice is gentle and nowhere near angry. but concerned and fearful, as if he’s done something wrong to upset her. for a moment, sol feels like she’s in her first lecture with professor yang and is left speechless. (only now, there is no where to hide.)

joon hwi wasn’t blind to her actions. he noticed her absence when she didn’t sit next to him in lectures. he noticed that whenever he was there for a study group session, she wouldn’t; but when he would ask the others, they would say she was there for the ones he wasn’t. joon hwi was certain that sol was avoiding him.

and he couldn’t understand why.

until now.

joon hwi’s eyes examine the young woman in front of him. he’s certain that a middle school student could figure this out; kang sol a is overworked. her dark eye circles are prominent, puffy and her bloodshot eyes do nothing but intensify her lack of sleep. he noticed just how pale her lips look, as he walks over to her. how has she gotten skinnier too?

joon hwi’s certain that she’s avoiding him not because of something he said that annoyed her. but because he knows that she doesn’t want him to see her in this state. his eyes soften and heart aches from the amount of effort she's putting in to her tests.

for sol, he knows how much the tests meant. it was like her entire life depended on it. that’s why he always wanted to help her. he didn’t want to see such a talented person fall behind. she has already proven herself worthy with all the cases she has participated in. but joon hwi knows that no matter how many times yeseul or bokgi or him say how smart and talented and how she’s doing great, she will never be satisfied in this cold, competitive prestigious school. she will always think she’s the worst and has no potential.

“sol.” his voice firm and serious. sol swears she felt a chill run down. she mentally braces herself for this conversation that she has tried all means to avoid. only one person dares address her as just ‘sol’.

“when did you last sleep? or eat proper food?” his eyes are serious, yet soft and glassy. his voice is gentle and soothing. she closes her eyes and lets out a silent sigh. she is nowhere the mock court, yet she feels like she has taken the witness stand and the oath. lying is perjury, she hears herself say.

“i’m doing fine. i just need to do well on this test.” she lies through her teeth. well, it’s a half true and a half lie. it’s just up to him to pick out which is the lie and truth. joon hwi isn’t an idiot, and can read her emotions with just a single look. it’s an utter lie.

“i’m getting coffee.” she mutters to herself. it was the whole reason she came out, anyways. her sleeve is caught by him but she yanks it away forcefully. she doesn’t even know why she’s being so harsh and angry to him. all he’s done is just ask how she’s doing.

“you need sleep. not caffeine.” he spins her around by her shoulders, his eyes serious and almost frustrated. she fails to meet his eyes, afraid of falling apart before him.

“joon, just let me be.” she says harshly and pushes his hands off before running to get that extra potent coffee. it was the first time she has ever called him that, and it falls out just as naturally as the word ‘sol’ does out of his. sol doesn’t notice how wet her eyes are until she’s downstairs, grabbing cans of coffee from the vending machine. (pathetic, she thinks, getting teary because of lying to her best friend.)

joon hwi doesn't follow. and sol isn't one bit affected.

not. at. all.

-----

the next time sol sees joon hwi is in the morning. he’s carrying his books and has his backpack slung over his shoulder, leaning against the wall. sol braces herself. she knows joon hwi to be protective and caring. but for him to be waiting at the entrance of their dorm was downright surprising.

sol’s not doing any better. when the caffeine and sugar stopped her from staying late, she resorted to stabbing her hand to keep herself awake. when her hand got too red and bloody, she switched to another spot on her arm. underneath her hoodie is her arm with dried blood and bruises all over. she’s surprised she hasn’t had blood poisoning yet.

sol flashes the most natural smile she can on her face, pretending as if her argument with him did not happen a few hours ago. her head was numb, but hanging on with the ointment she applied at her temples. she needed to act okay. just so he would stop worrying and leave her alone.

“sol.” joon hwi’s voice calls, going forward and grabbing her arm to support her. sol is about to create a joke, laugh it off and pretend everything is okay, hopefully convincing him she’s doing better (even if she’s far from it.). but what she doesn’t anticipate is his hand accidentally squeezing the sore wound of hers,

she hisses as his fingers dig into her wound and he immediately lets go. joon hwi’s eyes well in concern, not knowing what he’s done that caused her so much pain. sol’s eyes meet his, uncertain and afraid, as if a secret has been exposed. she pulls her sleeve down and is almost regretting that when joon hwi gently lifts her arm and lifts her sleeve up slightly to expose her arm and hand.

joon hwi takes her good hand in his and drags her to an empty staircase not far from where they were. joon hwi notes the dried blood on her hand and gives a disapproving sigh. just what was she doing to herself? she draws her hand back and pulls her sleeve down, hiding it away.

“sol, you need to take care of yourself.”

“joon, i’m doing okay, i promise. it’s not a big deal.” her voice upbeat and slightly more energetic. joon hwi is about to call her out from lying, but she flashes a smile. “come on, how can an exam defeat me?”

“i’m going to be late.” she says and runs ahead of him, joining yeseul and yebeom in front. sol feels a gnawing guilt in her heart for lying, but she momentarily forgets about it as yebeom sweeps them into a conversation.

i’m sorry, joon. i really am. but i’m not going to burden you any further.

joon hwi is left, helpless and broken, watching the back of the woman he loves stray further.

-----

it isn’t a secret that joon hwi and sol a are good friends. everyone on campus is always shocked. joon hwi, the school’s top student. sol a, the school’s worst student. everyone would have expected sol b when they heard ‘kang sol’. after all, it made sense, didn’t it? the two best students in school.

but what would be even more shocking is that han joon hwi, second round judicial exam passer, is deep in love with kang sol, the klutz with the top bun.

joon hwi couldn’t deny the joy he felt whenever sol was around. it started with study group and tutoring and messages about school. then it became lunches every moment they could. now, he couldn’t go a day without seeing her, hearing her voice or even a simple text. he can’t remember the moment he started falling for the clumsy woman, but when he realised it, he knew it was too late. he was in, deep.

and that's why he can’t bear to see her suffer. that’s why he spends late nights studying with her even though he doesn't need to. that’s why he insist walking her home, even though he installed the camera. (“i miss byeol! that smart cookie...” would always be his excuse.) that’s why he calls her ‘sol’, and he lets her call him ‘joon’, even though no one calls him that anymore.

sol locks herself in her room and buries herself under multiple books after her lectures. sol admits it, she’s tired. she can barely keep herself together and her body is so weak she doesn’t know how she managed to survive the week with less than two hours of sleep combined per day. she can’t remember the last nap she had that lasted more than half an hour.

the guilt from lying is eating her inside. when she closes her eyes, she can only see how hurt joon hwi’s face looks when he saw her arm. taking a shaky breath in, she doesn’t notice the tear running down her cheek. what was she even crying about? lying? hurting her best friend? fatigue? she slams her head against her books, shaking her thoughts out. it’s already 3am, and she doesn’t have much time left.

“kang sol a, you need to do this exam, you hear me? if you want to pass out, do it later on in the afternoon! you have 9 hours till the test.” she scolds herself out loud. stabbing her arm once again, she jerks herself awake and writes her notes over and over. just 9 more hours.

later on in the day, sol finds herself seated next to joon hwi. but she doesn’t notice him. her eyes are too out of focus to concentrate on anything but the paper and pen she holds. when the teaching assistant makes an announcement to start, she races against time and scribbles furiously. her head throbs, but she clings on to her last ounce of sanity keeping herself awake.

-----

she’s worse. joon hwi thinks. much, much worse. her skin is paler than normal and her eyes are fluttery. with her sleeve pulled up slightly, he notices the wound on her hand more bloody than it was. he visibly winces. but it’s nothing to the hurt in his heart. he knows that he should be busy scribbling, but his eyes are slightly glassy and all he can think of is her bloody hand.

all he wants to do is to drag her away. to take her far from this school. he wants to hold her small body in his arms and cradle her as he tends to her wounds. he wants to tuck her into a soft bed and stroke her brown hair. he wants to tell her how he feels, how she’s perfect, smart and beautiful in his eyes. how sol has already had his validation, and no matter how many kang sols there are, he will only have one in his heart.

as the clock leaves a minute or so to the end, sol struggles to keep her head from falling. she just needs to finish the last sentence. her eyes are blurred and her head has never felt more tight and woozy. her ramyeon from 4am is threatening to make an appearance.

“sol, you’re bleeding.” she hears an familiar echoed voice say next to her. instinctively, she brings a hand up to her nose, and wipes it, revealing the bright red blood. she can’t care for her jacket sleeve and carelessly wipes even though her arm aches. just a bit more, she tells herself.

the voices around her blur as she feels hands on her shoulder stopping her. she pushes them off weakly as she finishes the last word on her paper. she lets out a breath of relief and pushes her paper away from her. she’s finally done. she can finally breathe and have that nap. someone calls her name, but she’s too tired to respond.

then her eyes rolls back and she crashes into oblivion.

joon hwi manages to catch her head before it hits the table as she slumps sideways. he scribbles his name on his paper before chucking his paper and hers towards the teaching assistant. yeseul passes a tissue over to joon hwi and shakes her, eyes getting teary. he gently blots her nose, soaking up the blood. the other students leave unbothered, with only their study group crowding around them.

the next hour is a mad rush in joon hwi’s head. they are frantic for an ambulance, but joon hwi just cradles her body in his arms and runs outside. “it’s faster to run.” he says before taking off. she’s light, way too light for her frame, even with the layered coats that she’s wearing. when he reaches the hospital, she’s laid on a stretcher and sent for checks while the nurses ask him to wait for short while outside.

and for the third time, he stands outside, clutching to a bloody tissue, helpless.

-----

joon hwi wants to beat himself over and over. he should have been more forceful with her. heck, he should have done more than just watch silently. he should have sent packed lunches, compiled his notes, offered to stay up with her. even after when he knows how much sol is suffering, he only stood by.

his eyes are teary when he is allowed to see her. she looks so small under those white sheets. the doctor mentions that they had to take her hoodie off to patch her wounds and insert her IV drip. “dehydrated on caffeine, lack of nutrients and fatigue.” the doctor tells him. he only nods as the doctor leaves him.

his group chat is pinging with endless messages and he takes a moment to update them. he sends a quick text that he’ll let them know when she’s awake. his hand brushes the stray hairs out of her eyes and as best as he can, arranges her bangs the way she likes. his touch is as light as a butterfly as he lets his fingers brush pass her bandages.

with the curtain closed around him, joon hwi lets himself crumble silently, as tears run down his face, hands gripping sol’s stained hoodie sleeve. he wishes he could do something then just watch sol lie on the bed. he knows she is okay, but knowing that he could have prevented this worse case scenario from happening makes him upset. he gives himself a few minutes to compose himself before taking his own hoodie and layering it on her.

and for hours, joon hwi sits by her bed in his own thoughts, once again helpless.

-----

when she wakes up, her head pounds worse than the time she got the worse hangover in school. her eyes flutter, drawing the attention of joon hwi. her mind is cloudy as she starts registering the antiseptic smell and bright lights. her eyes come into focus as she turns over to find a pair of warm brown eyes looking at her.

“joon hwi...?” she says with barely any energy.

“you’re awake.” joon hwi lets himself sigh in relief knowing that she’s awake. it’s already 6pm. the others should be on their way over soon. he sends a quick “she’s awake” to the chat and shuts his phone.

“i... finished my exam right?” the words come tumbling out of sol’s mouth.

“that’s all you are thinking of now?” the anger in joon hwi’s voice catches her by surprise. she lowers her hand and avoids his eyes. she’s really done it, then. she’s really pissed him off.

“aren’t you one bit concerned about your health? you could have literally died being so overworked.” his eyes are glassy. realising that he’s frightening her, he lets a sigh out. joon hwi helps her sit up and props a pillow for her. her fingers fiddle with the thin blanket of the bed. there’s no point being strong in front of him now, after all this.

“you know how much every test means to me.” she mutters in a voice so soft, it’s unlike her to be so...small. joon hwi knows under that strong woman with a fiery passion for justice, there’s a vulnerable little girl, insecure and uncertain. but this was the first time, he realised, that she’s opening up herself.

“i’m so tired, joon. i’m so tired of running this stupid rat race that i’ll never win. i’m so sick of putting everything into my grades and not receiving anything back.” her voice so small, staring at the bandages on her hand. was the pain worth it? she’s not sure now.

joon hwi doesn’t say anything back. how could he? this man was born for this system, to bring law back to the country. he can’t compare to her, who spends countless nights studying, while taking care of her family. all he can do is sit by her bed and provide comfort.

“my head hurts. my body aches all over. yet, i can’t seem to do well in my exams. tell me, joon. just how long must i suffer?” his heart is pierced with every word she says. she’s so broken. joon hwi then notices the small pearls of tears dripping down her face.

his hand reaches out and his thumb rubs away her tears on her cheeks. he doesn’t know what prompted this, but sol doesn’t swat his hand away. she lets him as her hand wipes her remaining tears away.

“i’m here now. you can rely on me.” he says softly to her. suddenly, he takes her small hand in his and squeezes it in comfort. sol’s slightly taken aback, but she doesn’t know why she feels fuzzy inside. she feels warm and for the first time, she feels her burden lifted. with much courage, she gives a small smile.

“noona!” they hear a familiar panicked voice ring and they instinctively draw away from each other. if joon hwi’s face is slightly red, sol doesn't notice. sol is swept away into arguing with bokgi with her health and a teary eyed yeseul. even jiho and sol b came, but stood by silently. (jiho notices joon hwi’s flushed cheeks and his too-bright smile that he finally realises is meant for kang sol a. he makes a mental note about it.)

joon hwi leans back as he watches yeseul and bokgi fuss with sol’s health. he suppresses a smile as he looks at sol’s light laugh, knowing how her burdens are slowly fading and lifted. that he’s finally managed to reach out for his soulmate as she sinks further. it was going to be a journey, but joon hwi will drag her, his sol, out from her darkness every time.

i’m going to be there, no matter what, kang sol. you will not fight alone. i will stay with you, even when you think you don’t deserve it. it doesn't matter if you feel the same towards me or not. if i can see you smile and laugh, it’s enough for me. your happiness is all that matters.

because kang sol, i just love you so damm much.

-----

sol doesn’t notice the switch in her jacket. when she leaves about an hour later with her friends to eat jjajangmyeon (extra pickles, she orders.), she assumes the jacket she has by her bed is hers. she doesn't notice the sandalwood and jasmine smell, as opposed to her pine scented fabrics. when joon hwi teases her and she argues back in annoyance, she’s carefree and light.

when joon hwi smiles at her with his sweet smile, she can’t help but think she’s so lucky that she has him, of all people, by her side. her heart skips a beat, and she’s certain that she feels more than friends towards him. that all this time, she has finally fallen for the cheeky and charming joon hwi behind his intellect.

she smiles back, teeth bared and eyes crinkled as they walk back.

after all, who is to stand against her now, when she has him by her side?

joon hwi, thank you for finding me no matter how much i try to hide away. thank you for believing in me when everyone didn’t. i know you like someone else, and it’s okay. because whoever that is will be so damm lucky to have you. to see you smile your charming smile is enough to put me at ease.

because han joon hwi, i admit, i have fallen for you. i’m in love with you.

-----

bonus:

“noona, they like each other, don’t they?” bokgi watches as sol a barks at joon hwi. joon hwi only runs ahead and buries his hands in his hoodie pockets while letting out light laughs and continues teasing.

“oh, they are so whipped for each other.” yeseul triumphantly says as she walks with the rest behind the not-so-obvious lovebirds.

well, this would be an interesting relationship to see unfold.

159 notes · View notes

nelavili · 3 years

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I'm still processing Season 6 and as an unpopular opinion I'm not too happy about it as a whole. I feel horrible for not enjoying it as much as the Cast/Crew would like me to, but I just can’t change this feeling I have.

Just to clear my head I'll write the things down that irked me. I don't want to start any discussion, they're only my thoughts on stuff ‘n thangs. Huge spoilers ahead, please don’t read if you haven’t watched.

Michael

I admit it, I have probably more sympathy for the bad twin than I should. And after the whole S5 I thought we get a bit more closure with him. I didn’t expect a redemption arc, after Michael killed Remiel, Dan and Chloe it would have felt wrong. But after the “Everyone deserves a second chance” the dude is down in hell, scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush. Really, Lucifer? That’s cruel after such a righteous line.

When Luci realized he could help everyone, even if he hated them, I hoped for a dive into the twins’ relationship but it was like Michael didn’t even existed anymore. And if someone needed therapy it would be the twin with the huge inferior complex. That could have been so interesting. (I had hoped that he'd sat on the couch at the end, but noooo we get the Frenchman.. such a disappointment.)

Maybe Tom Ellis didn’t want to play 2 roles again, or there was no time, but I feel that was a huge opportunity wasted.

What even was the plan of Michael? To get God to retire and wreck havoc on earth to get Dad back, so Mickey can take over as the new God? And then what? Wipe out humanity? I see no endgame here.

Ella

I liked Ella’s Story so far. But she stole the personal file of Carol and even broke into his house.. and everybody is cool with this? Carol might be crushing on Ella pretty hard but if somebody tells you they broke into your house, because they feared you were hiding something bad, You run for the hills. But the dude isn’t even phased.

I’m glad Carol is a good guy, though. Even if he’s kind of bland.

Ella finding out the truth on her own came out of nowhere. I would have found it better if they would have her act a little suspicious over the whole S5. But since they wrote S6 while S5 was shot, a little to late for this.

The scene at the wedding was amazing. I had so much fun with her outburst there.

Dan

Ghost!Dan was my favorite by far in this season. And I really liked how he wanted to help and tried to find out what he still felt guilty about.

I am so glad he got to spend his afterlife with Charlotte and I laughed so hard with the pudding. Didn’t expect that, in a positive matter. :D

The scene with Trixie killed me. Bawled so hard as soon as Kevin got teary eyes. That really gripped at my heartstrings.

But how could he go to heaven while in a body of a killer when his daughter stands right next to that killer?

Comedy-wise Dan is top notch

Trixie

I missed her so much.

It felt like she was an afterthought with everything. She recently lost her Dad and Chloe spends most of the time with Lucifer. I really missed the scenes with her and Luci, they always were so adorable.

They explain it later that she’s at a science camp, but I honestly thought Chloe chooses Lucifer (and later Rory too) over her.

She wasn’t at Chloe’s deathbed but here I’m not sure if the scene with Rory isn’t placed somewhere at the threshold to heaven where only celestials are able to enter. But if she wasn’t there because Chloe sidelined her in favor of Rory, then I can understand her absence.

Linda

I love Linda, she always gives good advice but nobody’s ever took it.

Her book probably would fly under the fantasy tag if she ever published it. Still, it felt cringey.

It was so sad that she thought she was a bad therapist.

Apparently she wants to keep helping celestials because it’s better than helping humans. In the end, celestials have the same problems as humans just on a bigger scale. But okay.

Amenadiel

Amenacop was good, and a nice nod to Dan who put in the application.

It made him realize that he only can change things when he has more power. I’m white and no american so I don’t know if the BLM theme there was well enough executed. Got me wondering.

The apocalypse just being Angels who are incompetent was a letdown. Like this whole season.

I really like him as god. And I am glad he took the position in the end. Even if he could have decided this a bit earlier.

Rory

I like her sarcasm and her character.

Didn’t like the whole time travel, time loop and daughter spiel. I’m not a big fan of time travels or couples getting a kid just for the sake of a happy end or to add extra drama. I could have lived without a Deckerstar baby. Instead they could have focused on Trixie for a change.

The time she spent with Lucifer on the 4th August was precious though.

How in hell did the Frenchman capture her? How did he even know how she looked? IIRC Dan hasn’t seen Rory while in that body. Dan just went over to Trixie that’s why I thought he’d capture her and not Rory.

Lucifer

He found his calling to help the souls in hell only because Rory traveled back in time? No man, he already took the step with Jimmy Barnes in preparation to take over as god. I don’t think it’s far fetched to believe that he would have the same epiphany without Rory there.

But without Rory, he wouldn’t have been helping Ghost!Dan to go to heaven. Though, before Rory traveled back in time, Lucifer was already trying to help Dan. They probably would have needed more time to figure out about what Dan felt guilty about, but figure it out anyways.

How did he even got Chloe pregnant? Was it his subconscious deciding he was ready to be a father? Amenadiel had to believe that he was human to get Linda pregnant. Or maybe it’s because they always thought they couldn’t impregnate a human and self-actualized it that way. Anyways, it’s a tiny hang-up I have with it.

Somebody else besides me thought that the scene in the panic room was awkwardly long? I know they thought Lucifer would vanish somehow, but it seemed too much to me.

His singsong while the magician talked about the trick. :D

I don’t want to even get into the whole time loop thing because I think it’s ridiculous(ly bad).

It took a lot of time for him to realize that he didn’t want to be god, after he put it on hold for a second time. Even Chloe could have asked him if that is really what he wanted. Could have spared us an episode or so. Why is the communication on this show so bad? Q.Q

I loved that he helped Maze with Eve to get the wedding back on after their fight.

He didn’t say goodbye to Trixie - again. What a nice step-devil..

It’s been Chloe, Rory and his family since he found out she’s his daughter. Not even mentioning the one kid who probably loved him before even Chloe fell for him.

For someone who is all about free will and led a rebellion against God for it, he was quick to accept that he has a “fate”. I thought he’d find another way, or at least try to. Nope, he just did what his child wanted. And they disguised it at his “choice”. Doesn’t look like a choice to me if your daughter begs you for it and you have to promise it. Just getting along with what your child wants.

Why does everyone need to shoot him? Just cut him until he bleeds. The Americans and their fixation on guns. Nice parallel to Chloe though.

Lucifer trying to fix the relationship to Rory with gifts was so cringey. I don’t know why but I couldn’t watch him sing/dance in that scene.

Both him and Amenadiel didn’t want to become like their Dad because of the reasons stated in S5, yet Lucifer exactly did. Another letdown.

Chloe

As soon as she knew Rory was her and Lucifer’s daughter it was all only about Lucifer and Rory. No thought of Trixie? I understand she was worried about being a bad mother to Rory, but come on, you’re being a bad mother to your first child right now.

She was ready to go to heaven with Lucifer. And Trixie does what exactly without her parents? Living with her Grandma because one of her parent died and the other one is abandoning her? It’s like the writers forgot about Trixie while forcing Rory on us.

The addiction to the necklace got old pretty fast.

And that whole fight against Lucifer felt unnecessary just to add more drama.

She gets mad at Lucifer for not telling her everything while not telling him that she went back to the LAPD. It’s Lucifer, he always has things on his plate. Double moral, pretty much.

She looked so gorgeous at the wedding, oh my god.

Most of the Deckerstar scenes were good. I got tired of the obvious naked cuddle times, surprisingly. Somehow it felt not like the ones in S5 and it bothered me.

I thought Chloe would finally get to know about everything Lucifer did for her, but I didn’t expect her to read it in Linda’s book. And that she only took away that he left her every time they had an emotional breakthrough.

They spend Lucifer’s last day at the beach and once again, no thought of Trixie. I’m sorry I repeat myself here so often. But this whole season wronged Trixie so much.

They face the baddie without any backup. At least get Amenadiel with you.

Other things

The use of music between scenes was too much for me. Got annoying at some point.

I appreciate that they wanted to show us snippets of past Deckerstar scenes but here too, I felt like it was too much.

Couldn’t really follow the timeline. Maybe it were the cuts.

What’s been the point of bringing Adam into the mix? Just to wrap up Maze and Eve’s story? For Linda having another celestial to therapy?

The animation in the Jimmy Barnes Hell loop was AMAZING. I laughed so hard.

I’m not saying that Deckerstar shouldn’t have sacrificed everything for the time loop to stay intact, I say that the whole daughter-time travel plot shouldn’t have had happened. They never even talked about having kids, and then ignore the whole existence of the one kid that’s already there.

I really need all the Michaella fanfics, please. My first ship that’s actually a raft, because they never officially have met. RIP lmao

The acting was great as usual, all my problems come from the writing and the plot.

In the end, I really feel frustrated, underwhelmed and disappointed by the whole season. I didn’t have high expectations other than the same writing quality like S5. My excitement for that Season died as soon as Rory told Lucifer that she’s his daughter, to be honest. I waited for a plot twist that never came. Then the whole time loop shit. I’d rather have waited one more year for S6 if the plot would have made more sense, since this felt like a first draft of a whole other show. And now I wished that S5 would have been the last season. If I could travel back in time, I’d rather not watch S6.

I can honestly live with the fact that Luci and Chloe are in hell, trying to help souls to get to heaven. (But hello, not the murderers perhaps? Or I want Michael sitting on that couch right now.) But the fact that both “chose” to sacrifice their time together with their family and friends just because it’s fate now and parents have to make sacrifices for their children; and anyways there’s an afterlife because (human) life is just a blip in our existence… nah thank you. I do not want it.

I’m probably not gonna rewatch S6 anytime soon.

#lucifer spoilers #lucifer s6 spoilers #lucifer netflix #deckerstar

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geekys-corner · 3 years

Note

Mind listing the OCs/personas and a couple facts about them? (Might help with questions lol)

Sure! I’ve written 16 below lmao *sticks in a read more*

Anthony - Originally my version of Anti, he’s now a sweet bean who really likes plants. In his backstory and the start of his story, he was found in a tiny pocket dimension inside his old apartment while he and the place around him fell into disrepair with the only thing truly alive being his plants. After losing his entire family, he was very fragile and hurt himself quite a bit, but my other characters rescued him and nursed him back to health and stability!

Onyx - My angsty punk dude who I adore. He is on the autistic spectrum and is mostly non-verbal, once going 4 months without speaking before breaking the silence to tell his best friend that Viggo Mortenson broke his toe in that one scene in Lord of the Rings. They have a twin sister who is 13 minutes older and a firm witch while he is a firm nonbeliever. Sometimes he goes to the junkyard with a baseball bat to let out their anger.

Leon - His backstory is very dark so I won’t get into it, but he’s a very shy bean with one arm and a love for sewing. He has the fluffiest light pink hair, and is just the embodiment of pastel.

Kyle - The older brother of the duo! He’s friends with Onyx and also has a punk look with spiked blue hair, but he’s an absolute sweetheart! He’s eight years older than his brother, and ran away with him when he was a newborn to escape their abusive mother. He raised Joey on his own in the streets, escaping care systems that would split them apart and shove them in to foster homes, and grew up to be completely independent, albeit unaware of what it is like to have a loving family besides his brother. He may be quick to resort to fight or flight to protect his brother and grumpy to strangers, but he’s built them a good life!

Joseph - The little brother! Joey is a smart little kid, (ranging from 10 - 14 depending) with very bright ginger hair and freckles. He’s on the far side of the autistic spectrum and is completely nonverbal, but he’s very expressive, spunky, and loving whenever he’s able to. He adores peanut butter and milkshakes, and would very happily have them six times a day. While he can’t speak, he will send Kyle countless facts from astronomy or marine life through text at any time of day or night. He’s always seen in his blue skateboarding frog hoodie, a beetle backpack filled with his supplies, and his headphones and tablet. He loves to draw and he’s great at it, and always draws sharks, especially whale sharks.

Caelan - Another punk, but this time in bird form. He is a griffin, and in some AUs a dude with prosthetic feet. He has messy blond hair covering his eyes and is based around an Egyptian falcon. He’s very quick witted and very annoying to people who don’t know him, but would go to hell and back for his family.��

Marioma - The model of a modern major general- this dude is the only one like him, meaning he has no AU counterparts! He’s different from my other characters since he’s technically self-aware, and acts in my stories if and when I want him to! He’s a grumpy, determined dude who’s trying to quit smoking per request of his boyfriend, Arthur. Before him, he was a sly, hardened, and cunning man who needed someone to rely on who wouldn’t die on him.

Arthur - Foster fails: 5. He owns a bookstore in the universe he inhabits and, just like Mari, he’s one of a kind! He lives the ideal rainy city aesthetic, with an apartment above his store with open windows, plants, cosy blankets and homemade food, handmade clothing, and animals. He’s got curly hair and his scarf is his comfort item, and he takes in animals if and when he can. He and Mari just live a comfortable life :’)

Clyde - A duo with Anthony, he was originally a version of Henrik, but is now completely different. This boy is a classic OC and therefore my teenage angst punching bag. He’s a doctor in his husband Lucas’ mafia, and is very strong-willed and the biggest sweetheart. He has water powers that I always forget about, and could very easily drown someone if he wanted to. Besides that, he does cry a lot over small things, and Lucas has walked in on him crying over their cat in a business-tie.

Levi - If he and Clyde fused, they’d make Henrik. He’s my 55 year old doctor who just the embodiment of grumpy cat and expresso. He’s very lanky and has joint problems after trauma in his late 20s, and sometimes you can hear his bones cracking as he walks. He has, can, and will slap the sense into Clyde when he needs to and hated him to begin with, but warmed up to him. But, he’s completely different to his husband Sage, and in the end, is a very caring guy who won’t take any shit. He’s also therapist, and gives sessions to most of my OCs- (he’s also the doctor at the end of Don’t Leave! Dr Allison!)

Tyrell (Cloak) - So I split the same OC into two halves, essentially from two AUs but in one? They’re not twins, they’re the same guy with separate families but they’re the same. They’re both POC with the same face, hair texture etc. Cloak-Ty is very grumpy, and is called Cloak because of the cloak he wears in his fantasy-based AUs! He wears an eye patch and lost his eye depending on the AU, and went through a lot. You can tell he’s angsty because half of his hair is buzzed off. He tried to push away his now-husband Demitri, but luckily he’s an absolute himbo who doesn’t know when to quit, and eventually melted through the icy layer to a loving, sarcastic, hard-working man.

Tyrell (Ponytail) - Same as above description wise! He’s taller and buff with a ponytail. He went through the same backstory, but was found by Daniel who took him to Lucas’ mafia where they recovered together and eventually fell in love. Half of his face is badly burned and the eye has pin-hole vision, but it doesn’t stop him from being the best sniper on the team. When at home, he loves tea, hanging with his family, and painting. He’s amazing at watercolour and earns money on the side from selling his work! Sometimes he and Dan team up and draw together!

Bloodbranded:

Wayde - He lives in the Winter Forest Region and hunts for his family with his exceptional archery skills. He’s witty and pretty spontaneous, making him good under pressure, but incredibly reckless. He has a bad claw scar across his right eye which cuts into his hair, but he can see just fine! He has beautiful green eyes with central heterochromia, so they turn brown in the centre. While he may be annoying and hot-headed, he cares a whole bunch and grows as a person to fall in love with Milo. He’s a hopeless romantic and protective as all hell, even when Milo can handle himself just fine.

Felicity - She wasn’t born in the WFR like Wayde, she was adopted by her two mothers and is Wayde’s cousin! She’s a POC with beautiful dark skin, and her parents style her hair in unique braids that are decorated by gold rings. She’s a magic user and a very skilled one at that, even when she’d just started out, and wishes to revive the old form of magic that had been taken over by the modern, corrupted magic form that’s based entirely on nepotism. She uses a staff and a book, and is clumsy to start out, but soon becomes a mage to be admired, or feared if you’re an enemy!

Milo - Unlike Felicity and Wayde, he was born in the desert region, and ends up in the WFR by mistake (which is a vast change in temperature for him). Because of the contrast in temperature, he’s always wrapped up in winter clothes, even in places where the others are sleeveless, just because he’s spent his whole life in the heat! When he’s at home, he lives with his Mother and goes out to collect lightning glass after the nightly storms to sell and turn into jewellery or windows etc. Milo was born deaf and uses sign language to communicate. He’s smart, energetic, and excited to see new things, but can handle himself with ease, and knows how to take care of himself through quick thinking and fighting skills from living in the desert. When he and Wayde start dating, he likes coming up behind him and cuddling him or giving him quick kisses!

Prism - Much like their name, they are very colourful. They are a dragon hybrid and live in a kingdom of others like them, but unlike any other dragon, their scales are - like their name - prisms. They gradient between rainbows across their body, but each scale has a rainbow shimmer when they move. Their wings are like stained glass, and their hair (as of now, it might change) is like labradorite! Prism is mute and doesn’t express much, usually communicating through eye rolls. They live as the King’s new heir after he took them in as he believes Prism is the symbol of their kingdom and species’ beauty. Because of this, they are completely untouched by any blade and don’t have a single blemish or scar as to preserve them. Many guards have died to prevent them from obtaining even the slightest scratch. Beyond their anxiety, they join the crew and act as the voice/sign of reason! Even if they are assigned to their kingdom, they soon learn that their friends truly care about them more than their appearance.

That’s most of my OCs, this is already super long so I don’t want to drag it on! If anyone is interested in any OC, feel free to drop an ask, I’d love to write one shots or answer questions! <3 ^^

#geekyfox1's ocs #oc #oc list #bloodbranded #bloodbranded development #oc description

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dramaphan · 3 years

Text

Fuck it live reaction

•the little Dan pop ups while I wait for it to start are annoying but I did giggle at “not much longer before I ruin what’s left of my career by exposing what really goes on in my head” buddy what are you talking about

• the intro is… uh.

• oh we’re on the floor suddenly alright okay coolcoolcool

• oh my god

• actually fuck it I’m gonna do a count every time he tries to act single: 6

• god I hate that jacket

•Dan you’ve been out for two years genius

• oh fcuk alright is this the cry part

• commitment issues counter: 1

• I was gonna make a comment about the straight people shoutout but then he blew a kiss and it broke me STOP IT

• Dan it’s pride month can we lighten up a little

• so we’re in his brain and each door is a moment he didn’t feel proud okay we guessed this

• I have some fucking feelings about Dan always telling stories about himself and saying shit like “this will traumatize me but it might help you lol” like can we cut that the fuck out maybe

• “I’m just the subject of some sad charity advert” then leave

• door 1 door 1 door 1 fear I’m afraid fear fear

• oh fuck it’s him there he is!!! My favourite white boy!!!

• I hate the acting. All around hate it

• I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to what’s happening right now

• Phil entered the brain through door 1 and exited through a different door is this going to be significant

• like should I be looking for symbolism in this thing

•a pop star what???

• we’re backstage on tour now. Which tour who knows

• why am I anxious

• who are theeeyyyy?????

• are these real phannies or paid actors

• the redhead telling Dan off yes queen get his ass

• through the help of Tumblr??? Which one of you is a tattletale

• oh man what fucked up thing has Dan tweeted lately that I can blame on this

• I’m in love with this redhead ma’am hand in marriage???

• this is kinda fun

• name them! Shame them!

• it was granny wasn’t it

• we’ve heard about this girl a couple times now I wonder if they still talk

• TEA NAOMI ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS

• DO IT PUSSY DO IT PUSSY

• I love these guys I still can’t tell if they’re actual fans or not but fuck what a bunch

• oh

• oh???? Return of the dil head???? I didn’t think I’d be right about that

• new door pride parade outfit let’s goooo

• oh there’s an upstairs to this door go up there dan shh stop yapping go up the stairs

• this thing actually is way more Dan centric than I was expecting it to be

• where are we going now I wanted to go upstairs 😠

• sing break

• I’m skipping over the musical number sorry will

• I think I’m blacking out this whole conversation I just cannot pay attention can we go upstairs yet

• Dan looks like he’s gonna burst into tears dude are you good

• we’re really not gonna go upstairs are you kiDDING ME

• now we’re opening the door Phil left through time to find out if that meant something or if I’m a phannie freak

• couldn’t afford a llama we could see? That’s just floating eyes

• turns out I was a phannie freak

• last door lights weird fear

• now we’re going back in the tour door??

• we’re in. Hollywood.

• wait is Tyler Oakley the guy we like but want to stay away from nice

• realizing I have not laid eyes on Tyler in a long time who is this guy

• I’ve always really liked Dan and Tyler’s dynamic this is fun I’m having fun

• “it wasn’t a secret that I had a secret” is probably the best way to wrap all of that up in a neat little package

• “people see you liking a tweet from somebody and they think there must be something there” looking directly at you, phannies

• Dan came out a completely different door??? Am I the only one keeping track of the doors???

• final door final door fuck hell fuck

• oh fuck OFF

• fuck off fuck off fuck off

• thank god we left I’m not ready for that either

• oh the brain is gone we’re just on the floor now

• oh god there’s a ghost in the room

• “you’re a woman” “all the sensible people are” YES BITCH

• Dan’s fairy godmother is the smartest person in this video so far

• Dan… getting strapped by his fairy ghost. Alright

• aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

• I’m so uncomfortable with the aura coming off teenage Dan as played by grown up Dan this guy smells

• are we ending it here???? Please say something funny you can’t leave me with THAT

• looking for Phil owowowoowoOW

• THERE HE IS AGAIN!!!

• I’m nervous I’m shitting nervous shitting

• Phil sent him back through the llama door

• there’s a guitar and a baseball bat on the table when he’s talking about doing things he wants to do??? Carrie Underwood era???

• WRECK IT ROOM WRECK IT ROOM

• there’s something funny about him destroying things like the piano and the all black wardrobe as if we don’t know that he’s going to continue to make those things his personality

Alright it’s over final review: it was way better than I was expecting actually. Still wouldn’t consider it a “””Dan video””” but it’s at least content which is more than we’ve gotten in over 3 years so beggars can’t be choosers I guess. Not bad. Decent use of an hour of my time.

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quicksiluers · 3 years

Text

the silly story of grant being over everyone (rawlins) trying to mother hen him but sherman being like “yeah but i can annoy you enough to let me help you out” .........enjoy?

The Mississippi sun was sweltering. Sherman took off his hat, wiping the sweat from his forehead that had been building up throughout his ride. Whoever decided on the dark blue uniforms they had to wear didn’t seem to account for the strong summer sun that they were all suffering through.

They were 20 days into this siege around Vicksburg and he wouldn’t admit it out loud, but it was exhausting. They had tried to attack the fortifications twice but each time they were repulsed. It cut deeply at him that they couldn’t breakthrough. It irked him even more that there were rumors that McClernard tried to take credit for some kind of breakthrough down on his portion of the ground. He’d string up the politician if he could, but he knew better.

The man was still a snake as far as Sherman was concerned.

A group of tents appeared over the small ridge his horse trotted up, soldiers and orderlies walking by him or saluting. Grant’s camp was always busy. One of the perks of being a corps commander was not having to deal with all the extra nonsense. Between the reporters, Washington, and all the other nuisances, he didn’t know how it all didn’t drive the younger general crazy.

Then again, this was Grant he was talking about. An artillery shell could explode next to him and the man wasn’t phased.

An orderly came up and grabbed the reins of Sherman’s horse, who climbed off and pulled a cigar from his breast pocket. He worked lighting the cigar as he glanced around. The familiar head of brown hair wasn’t too hard to spot for when he was looking for Rawlins. Where Rawlins was, Grant wasn’t usually far behind. The men were almost attached at the hip.

Yet he heard nothing from Grant’s tent, didn’t even hear the familiar string of curses that seemed to follow Rawlins as he paced around. He turned around, puffing on his cigar, and spotted a small group standing around a table. And he recognized one of them

Comstock. Perfect.

“Comstock!” Sherman started over to the group, the younger man turning to him. A hint of annoyance flashed on his face which made Sherman smirk. The guy was new but he was all business. It was something he appreciated.

“General Sherman, what can I help you with?”

“I was looking for General Grant...or Rawlins, either of them really.”

“They’re just finishing up looking over some of the fortifications over at McPherson’s front, we actually just arrived back there a short while ago,” Comstock shrugged, “I would expect them back any minute.”

“They still working on those mines?”

“Yes sir,” the young man smirked, an eyebrow raised, “General Grant is working on making sure that Captain Hickenlooper doesn’t get himself blown up on the process.”

A cloud of dust and hooves pounding against the dirt road caught his and Comstock’s attention. Sherman chewed on his cigar as he watched a group of cavalry officers slow down and trot into camp. He couldn’t help the smile that crept on his lips as he watched Grant ride up behind them, Rawlins right beside him. And the younger man didn’t seem to be pleased.

As he walked closer to the pair, he watched Grant graceful unmount his horse with ease. Rawlins, in his excited state, had a bit more trouble, his boots landing on the ground with a bit more force than needed.

It wasn’t hard hearing their one-sided conversation. “Sir you can’t just…be that close to the line! You’ve been doing i-”

Grant turned his head and fixed Rawlins with a hard stare, “I know where and where not to be on the line, John.”

Rawlins tensed up, his face flushing, but his eye caught Sherman as he approached. He deflated, “Of course sir.”

“Go down to McClernard’s line and see if Wilson has any updates,” Grant ordered, passing the reins to a waiting orderly, “bring him back up here. He doesn’t need to be down there the entire day.”

Rawlins stared at Grant for a long moment, his jaw tense, before he reluctantly nodded, “Yes sir.”

Sherman hung back, fidgeting around with his cigar. Rawlins shot one last look at Grant, then Sherman briefly, before he climbed back on his horse. He knew better than to step in between those two when there was something going on. Being on the other end of John Rawlins’ wrath was a place he didn’t like to be in.

Grant turned, a startled look in his eyes before he schooled his expression, “Sherman...have you been here long?”

“No, I just arrived before you got here,” Sherman waved his hand, wafting the smoke from his face, “If I knew you had been gone…”

“It’s fine. Let’s get out of this sun.”

Walking together to his tent, Sherman was quick to notice the younger man’s face pinch slightly. There was also a small scratch on his cheek, a little swipe of blood staining it. He brushed off the concern. It wasn’t as if it could kill him.

“McPherson’s still working on that mine...,” Grant advised, passing through the tent opening and into the shaded area, “I haven’t set a date yet...they’re still working on how far they can dig toward the rebels line.”

“Would it just be in one area?”

“Yes, but I think we’ll have artillery going on along your and McClernard’s fronts at the same time.” The commanding general took off his hat, that pinched expression flashing on his face again. Sherman noted that he placed the hat rather gingerly down on the table.

He raised an eyebrow at that, pulling the cigar from his mouth. “How was Mac’s line? Anything pestering him down there?”

“No...just sharpshooters, per usual.”

Grant sunk into his chair, lightly cradling his right wrist. It was a subtle motion but having been around him for so long, Sherman was able to pick it up. The Rawlins argument clicked in his head.

“You didn’t happen to...by chance...get shot at by one of these sharpshooters did you?”

The glare Grant’s blue eyes leveled at him would have thrown off anyone else. Hell, the first time he had gotten it, it had thrown him off. It wasn’t a look that Sherman often saw except for when Grant was reaching his tipping point. And the tipping point was not somewhere he normally wanted to be.

But he was never one to back down from a challenge, “You’re too valuable to be in that kind of dan-”

“I know what I am General.”

Oh boy. Well. This wasn’t going well.

“I know you know sir.”

Grant bristled up on his chair, unconsciously rubbing his wrist, “Then there is no need to talk about it.”

A wave of annoyance washed over him. Grant had told him to be careful just over a week ago and now he didn’t want to take the same advice? Sherman took in Grant’s appearance, looking beyond the cradled wrist and scratched face. His hands had white bandages wrapped around them. The circles under his eyes seemed darker as well. Was he taking care of himself? It seemed beyond Sherman that Rawlins, who practically watched every move the general made, would let that happen.

But then Rawlins’ frustrated face came to his mind. The curt reply, the ease in which he seemed to give up his fight with Grant. Maybe he had been trying to take care of Grant and the man just wasn’t letting him do it. He was stubborn as a mule at times.

It was something he was sure that Ellen could relate to when it came to dealing with him.

“With all due respect....sir,” Sherman pressed, taking a step forward, “I hate to be so blunt but you look like absolute shit.”

The two generals stared at each other, the silence growing tense. Maybe he overstepped his bounds. Grant was still his superior officer, even though they were close. But dammit he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. They couldn’t have Grant acting like this. He was the rock of this army. And if something were to happen, McClernard would be the highest-ranking out of the three corps commanders and Sherman would rather roll over dead than take orders from that weasel.

A light laugh broke up his spiraling thoughts. Grant’s stern expression was gone, his shoulders slumping back into the chair, “I can’t argue with that…”

Sherman perked up, “I mean you could…”

“Would you like me to?”

The redhead shrugged, “It’s up to you, sir.”

Grant rolled his eyes, “You can be exhausting.”

“But that’s why you love me,” he stated matter of factly, walking over to the table. He grabbed the opposite chair and sat back in it, grinning more with Grant’s second eye roll.

“Don’t push your luck.”

They both laughed, Sherman’s overpowering Grant’s. This was more like it. The younger man seemed more at ease now, flexing his fingers ever so often. That small wall he seemed to always have up was lowered a bit. Sherman took small pride in that. Grant was a hard man to read, even for him. But there were times that he could see through...and see someone who was as stressed and tired as he was.

“Rawlins...he means well. And I appreciate that. But he can be…,” Grant paused, waving his hand absentmindedly.

“Overbearing? Like a mother hen?”

“Do you say those things behind his back?” the younger general asked with a raised eyebrow. Sherman shrugged again, “I just say what I see.”

Grant chuckled softly, resting his arm on the table. “We were down along the lines...there was more activity than I think he liked. A few shots went off close to us and he just...tackled me to the ground.”

Sherman stared at him for a long moment, processing. “He...tackled you to the ground?”

The commanding general nodded.

He snorted, covering his mouth to muffle his laughter. The image was almost too comical.

“He meant well, but I don’t need my chief of staff throwing me to the ground and sitting on top of me.”

Sherman snorted again, leaning forward and hiding his face. He wouldn’t mind being on top of Grant.

Wait.

No.

Brush that thought away immediately.

Calming himself, were his cheeks flushed?, he sat back up and looked over at Grant. The younger man was looking at him expectantly, a hint of a smile on his lips.

“I assume,” Sherman remarked, tapping his hand on the table near Grant’s arm, “That’s how your arm or wrist started to bother you?”

The general drummed his fingers lightly on the desk, the small pinch back on his face briefly. He would take that as a yes.

“I fell on it awkwardly...scratched my palms a bit,” he moved his hand, the bandages shifting, “Rawlins tried to make up for it, but I didn’t mention my wrist.”

“Why not?”

“He’d have probably thrown me in an ambulance cart and I wasn’t about to let that happen.”

“True,” Sherman nodded, turning in the chair. He held out his hand across the table, “You should probably get it looked at though.”

Grant tilted his head slightly, “By you?”

“Well if you don’t want Rawlins to find out.”

Grant pulled up his coat and shirt sleeve up to his elbow. The bandages around his hand were haphazard at best and Sherman got to work unwrapping them first. The cuts couldn’t be that bad. He placed the bandages to the side and gently tugged Grant’s hand closer to him, looking over the palm and up to the wrist. There were hints of black and blue already forming around the area.

“Well, you definitely hurt it.”

“Next thing you’ll tell me the sky is blue.”

Sherman huffed, turning his wrist gently over in his hand, “I am older, so I do happen to be wiser.”

Grant hummed, carefully flexing his fingers. That was good at least. Maybe it was just bruising, a possible sprain.

“I can make you a splint, so you can at least keep it from getting worse,” he reassured, “I don’t think it’s hurt too much, more of a nuisance than anything else.”

Sherman got up, busying himself with looking around the tent for supplies. Bandages, check. Something that looked like a split, sure. He tried to think what else he would need, thought back to when he was younger, and would...accidentally fall out of a tree or do something else dumb to hurt himself. Most times Ellen or John were there, scolding him. The memory made him chuckle.

It took him a moment to realize that Grant had all this stuff at the ready, lying around his tent. Why visit the medical area when all of it is available at your fingertips? He glanced back quickly at the other man, who had his eyes closed and seemed to be sinking down lower in his chair.

When was the last time he got some proper sleep?

“You’re in luck, for I happen to be a master at this sort of thing,” Sherman proclaimed, sitting back down at the table. Grant blinked, a little groggy at first before his gaze fell back on the other man.

“Should I be surprised?”

“A bit more grateful perhaps,” he unraveled some of the bandages, working to find one of the right lengths, “I am helping you from feeling the wrath of your chief of staff.”

Grant outstretched his hand again and stayed silent as Sherman wrapped the bandages around his palm and then his wrist. The trick was making it tight enough to keep anything from moving but not making it uncomfortable or bothersome. John had wrapped his ankle once and it lasted all of five seconds before Sherman tore the thing off because it was too tight.

His leg bounced up and down at he worked. The silence was killing him. Grant had a tendency to just sit quietly, sometimes for long periods of time, which Sherman just couldn’t comprehend. How did his mind not race with every outcome that could happen at their next turn? He couldn’t understand it, the sheer idea of being with his own thoughts scared him half to death at times. It’s one of the reasons he never shut up.

“Was there a reason you came by today?”

Sherman glanced up from the splint, “I’m sorry?”

“You obviously came to my headquarters to talk about something,” Grant stated matter of factly, his eyebrow risen slightly, “Was there a specific thing that you needed to speak with me about?”

His hands paused, slightly stunned from the question. Why had he come to headquarters?

Nothing sprung to mind. Shit.

“I just wanted to come and check-in with how things were,” he replied nonchalantly, working to keep the splint in place, “I thought it would be better to discuss it in person.”

No reply came from the younger general and Sherman focused back on his work. It wasn’t technically a lie, a bit of a half-truth really. He had been getting updates through courier messages the past week which was fine. But even though their bases weren’t that far away, he hadn’t seen Grant in much of that time.

It’s not like it bothered him.

That would be ridiculous.

He pulled the end of the cloth through the knot, finishing off the work. “That should do it. Doesn’t look too bad if I do say so myself.”

Grant flexed his fingers, eyeing up the bandages. “Don’t flatter yourself too much,” he replied dully, working to suppress a smirk, “Thank you. I do appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Sherman dug into his breast pocket, pulling out two cigars. He offered one to Grant, who happily accepted. The smoked filtered through the air, the calming feeling slowly coming over him. There were few things that matched up to a good southern cigar. Those assholes were good for at least this one thing.

Grant blew out the smoke carefully, fiddling with the cigar. “There was something I wanted to discuss with you.”

Sherman perked up at that, sitting up a bit straighter in his chair, “What about?”

“Joe Johnston is still out by Jackson somewhere...we’ve gotten a few reports that he’s gathering up more soldiers,” he paused, tilting his head toward Sherman, “Halleck is sending the IX corps to help support the siege. I was planning on sending them to guard the Big Black River, so we have a force between ourselves and him. And I was thinking that you,” he tapped his fingers on the table for emphasis, “would take over that core and keep an eye on him.”

Silence hung in the room, the two men staring at each other. Sherman had to fight back the disappointment. He was being sent off again? “When are they expected?”

“Halleck said to expect them in the next week or so...depends on the rails, weather…” Grant trailed off, pulling the cigar from his mouth, “I know you would be able to handle them. They’re from the east, it’s a bit different out here. And I know you can keep Johnston busy if he does try anything.”

He knew he should take the compliments in stride. Grant was putting his faith in him, knew that Sherman could complete the task. But that didn’t stop the dread he felt. He wanted to be here when the city fell, not back at the Big Black River. He wanted to ride in at Grant’s side when they took Vicksburg, to prove those damn newspapers and critics wrong. Here he was, the supposed “insane” man riding in victorious, taking the Gibraltar of the Confederacy.

It was selfish. But dammit couldn’t he be selfish?

Grant tossed the butt of his cigar onto the ground, crushing it with the heel of his boot. “It wouldn’t be for another week. We’ll have time to go over plans of how to keep him back. Pemberton can’t stay cooped up in that city for much longer...we just have to outlast him.”

Sherman nodded, working the cigar in his mouth. He would do it, but dammit he wouldn’t be happy about it. Not that he would let Grant know that.

They sat in silence, the smoke from his cigar coming out faster. He chewed at the end, grinding his teeth to mask the disappointment.

Rising from his chair, Grant carefully rolled down his blouse sleeve then coat sleeve to cover the splint. Sherman caught a little hint of red on the palm. Maybe he should have taken a closer look at those scratches.

“Thank you for help with the splint, you didn’t need to,” Grant glanced up at him, shoving his good hand into his pocket, “I know that you can keep Johnston back. I wouldn’t have asked anyone else.”

“Of course,” he tossed his cigar to the side and rose up, hands resting on his hips, “The man didn’t put up much a fight when we took Jackson. I don’t expect we’ll see much more from whatever he’s trying to plan back there.”

“It’s best just to be alert.”

“Are you that worried about him?” Sherman asked, slightly surprised.

Grant frowned, as if the question bothered him, “I just want to be prepared. We can’t have any surprises. Now when we’re right at their door.”

The scourge of reporters that filtered around camp popped in Sherman’s mind. Not only them but that little spy Charles Dana. They all knew what he was here for, though it was never said out loud. One false move from Grant could send Dana running to the telegram and sending God knows what back to Washington.

Snakes, all of them really. He’d like to throw them and McClernard into the river. See how they dealt with that.

Grant took his hand from his pocket, gently rubbing his eyes, “Sieges just take time…,” he paused, catching himself mid-yawn. He ran his hand through his hair a few times, tugging on the ends. An odd tick that Sherman noticed when he tried to keep himself alert, “You have to account for everything.”

The drowsy expression that came over the younger man’s face almost made Sherman laugh. With his hair a bit messed up, Grant looked pretty cute.

Stop.

Not this again.

“Have you accounted for maybe taking a nap?” Sherman asked, pushing his thoughts to the farthest corners of his mind.

“Now you do sound like Rawlins,” Grant muttered, the frown looking more like a pout.

“I could start cursing, really bring that energy.”

“Funny,” Grant waved him off and walk to the other side of the tent, looking over some papers left on a different desk, “I have other things to do…being commander of an army doesn’t really allow for naps.”

There was that stubbornness again. It was almost like trying to argue with a wall. And Sherman had tried it a few times, much to his own dismay.

But what the hell. Grant looked like he was five steps away from falling face-first into the ground. Better to force a nap on him than have all those reporters think he was drunk.

He would make heads roll the moment he saw them trying to scratch that ridiculous story in their dumb little journals.

Sherman followed him across the room, Grant’s gaze down on a worn-out letter. There was a handful of papers like it down on the desk, strewn around in a somewhat disorganized manner.

“Why don’t you have Rawlins or Wilson go through these while you try to take a nap?” Sherman asked, taking a few papers in his hand, “I’m sure they can take care of something this small.”

Blue eyes flickered up to him, eyebrows pinched together, “Rawlins and Wilson aren’t currently here. And I can take care of my personal mail.”

Personal mail…shit.

The letters found their way gently back to the desk, Sherman recalculating his strategy. “I’m sure Mrs. Grant would feel better knowing that you were getting enough sleep during the day.”

Now Grant looked annoyed, his focus squarely on Sherman, “Mrs. Grant knows that her husband is a very busy man and can only get so much sleep. And it’s perfectly fine with her.”

“Is it?”

His eye twitched and Sherman held up his hands, knowing when he was defeated, “Fine. Fine, sorry I asked.”

Grant brushed the letters over with his bad hand, stacking them in a somewhat neat pile. He sighed, his fingers tapping the desk lightly. His mouth was pulled down into a frown, his eyes passing between the letters and the canvas of the tent off to the side.

Sherman hung back, watching him. He’d pushed his luck. Should have known better honestly. But Grant needed to hear it from someone other than Rawlins. Overbearing as the younger man was, he did always have the commanding general’s health in mind.

“I’ll…find some time to sleep a little more today,” the young general muttered, “There are things I have to do first.”

Score one for being annoyingly persistent. Sherman kept his face schooled, nodding, “Of course.”

“I’m sure you have better things to do than hang around here.”

He knew when he overstayed his welcome. “Just let me know if that splint comes undone…I can make a house call.”

Grant scoffed, shaking his head, “I’m sure.”

Sherman gave a playful salute and turned, grabbing his hat from the other table. There a small pep in his step, though he tried not to show it. Sherman – 2, Rawlins – 0. He’d have to tease the young chief of staff about it later.

“Sherman.”

He stopped mid-step, turning back to Grant.

The other man stared at him for a moment, silent as he could usually be. There was a bit of softness in the normally stern blue eyes, a faint smile on his lips. “Thank you.”

Sherman stood up a bit straighter, a bit of pride swelling up in him. He played it cool, nodding to the general and placed the hat on his head. Before he could say anything ridiculous, which he was bound to do, he passed through the flaps of the tent into the sweltering Mississippi air.

He added another victory into his already growing pile. Rawlins wouldn’t know what hit him.

#this....is way too long and kinda silly #but i had fun lol #grant is like 'just leave me aloneee i don't need a NAP'#also sherman is lowkey like 'stop thinking grant is cute...you sound needy'#my fic #my ramblings

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isthemicon · 3 years

Text

Writers really did Blair dirty in s5

*super long post because I’m angry as hell*

There was a time when I thought that season 5 is overhated. I’ve been telling myself that sure, Blair is acting unlike herself but that’s because this season is looking at her from more psychological angle and it’s looking at her character more deeply.

But then I’ve rewatched it and I’ve realized that they’ve ruined Blair completely. The depth that I was seeing is in maybe 3-4 episode and is often overshadowed by other things. And usually the deep moments are happening through other characters.

Blair in s5 is barley her own person, she does nothing that isn’t related to her relationships, she isn’t working on her status, position, career. Her whole character arc is regressed to her trying to figure out which guy should she choose or how to make the relationship she is in work.

I mean come on even Nate and Serena have bigger stories and actually do things outside their relationships.

Blair barley ever even makes her own decisions, someone else makes them for her or has to push her to make them.

In other seasons her love life is a big part of her story but in the same time she is doing something else as well.

In s1 she is trying to build her position in school, in s2 she is fighting for Yale and her position in school, in s3 she is trying to figure out her life at NYU and trying to build her position outside high school, in s4 she is going to Columbia and trying to start a career, even in s6 despite its ridicules soap opera like plot she is building her career.

And in s5? Let me tell you what Blair does in each episode of season 5

Recap of all of the episodes

05x01 Blair returns from Monaco, and the whole episode we see her trying to be able to plan the wedding. Wait is pregnant? No it’s Dorota, joking Blair is pregnant too

05x02 Blair is trying to hide her pregnancy from the royal family, while Beatrice and Dan are snooping. That’s all.

05x03 Blair is trying to figure out who is the father. Of course she can’t makw the decision on her own so Dan needs to force her to do it because of course she can’t do it on her own (still very nice friendship moment). I like ending of this episode, it’s deep and sad and emotional. And tells a lot about her mental state and what is going inside of her.

05x04 Blair is trying to convince Louis that Dan’s book is just a fiction, she is angry because the book threatened her relationship, not becuse it affected her career like in Serena’s case, not because she didn’t like the way she was portrayed like Nate and Rufus, it just that it made her fiancé doubt.

05x05 Blair and Louis tell their family about the pregnancy. Eleanor is unhappy (the only one that has a normal reaction) but then they have a beautiful mother and daughter moment but it’s a moment of Eleanor’s depth not Blair’s. Oh and also Blair is pawn in the battle called “where should they live? Which grandma will have more to say?”

05x06 Blair is trying to choose her bridesmaids (entertaining episode and shows her power, still resolves around her relationship). Probably one of the the very few were she is actually doing something.

05x07 Blair is trying to provoke Chuck to show that he hadn’t really changed. And Chuck and Dorota have to form a plan to make sure she believes he didn’t because she will be more comfortable with her relationship with Louis, again it’s not Blair making the decision someone else has to make it for her.

05x08 Blair has a bridal shower. The trouble is Serena is making it seem it’s not like Blair would like it so she is sad, but no it was a lie she has a perfect suprise party, oh and Louis is a jerk and wants to make her believe her friends aren’t her friends. She takes a break from Louis (good for you girl)

05x09 Blair is following Chuck because he had changed and she wants her fiancé to change as well. One of the lowest moments, Blair is absolutely heartless and selfish in her plan. (A very deep scene in the end but it’s coming from Chuck and just happening to Blair)

05x10 This episode I like it’s actually very deep. We are exploring her fear of being alone and her trying to figure out what’s the best thing to do. If she should listen to her heart and choose Chuck or if she should listen to reason and stay with Louis. We see Dan understanding her and trying to help her. That’s a real good episode.

05x11 Another deep episode exploring Blair’s trauma after the accident. Not gonna say anything bad about as I actually like it and here I think the focus on her being unable to stand on her own is important. And her losing her real self is actually very undrstandble here.

05x12 Blair has a bachelorette party and everybody is able to outsmart her and out plan her and Blair doesn’t see a thing. She needs others to save her because again she can’t do anything on her own. Oh and Chuck is following her.

05x13 Blair is getting married, this episode has some depth and action but again Blair does nothing on her own, Eleanor, Chuck, Serena, Louis talk to her and she just responds. But in end she wakes up and tries to run away. Finally she make her own decision.

05x14 Blair is running away from her wedding, Dan is helping her, Serena and Chuck are looking for her. But in the end Blair has one big moment when she takes responsibility and decides to stay in the marriage, doesn’t allow Chuck and her mother to buy her out.

05x15 Blair is back in the city for Valentine’s, goes to the party at Chuck’s place forcing him to leave his own party, she is followed by some woman with the most annoying accent. She is trying to play a cupid, Dan kisses her, Serena is mad, Blair is trying to explain it. The end

05x16 Blair is trying to convince Serena there’s nothing going on between her and Dan. She finds out what’s in a book and realizes Dan has feelings for her. So she decides she may want to start the relationship so she kisses Dan in front of Serena as her grandmother is dying. Sure Blair is doing things but that’s all relationship related, she is not even yet divorced and she is already thinking about going into another relationship.

05x17 Blair thinks she maybe able to get out of her marriage and be able to be in a new relationship, turns out no, she goes to Cece’s wake. She finds out about the video,Chuck and Dan fight for her, she tells Chuck she can’t be with him right now, photo of her and Dan gets out, meaning she will need to divorce and pay dowry. But Georgina says she might be able to help her out.

05x18 Blair tries to have sex with Dan and tries to be able enjoy it so she gets drunk. That’s honestly the whole plot of her story in this episode. (The worst episode in the whole show)

05x19 Blair is about to sign divorce paper, refuses to talk to Chuck, Dan is worried about the papers and tells her Chuck paid her dowry she accuses Chuck of trying to buy her, he tells her she was never meant to find out, she is sad because of the fact she will no longer be in the royal family. She doesn’t come to the conclusion that she can be strong without the title, she needs Dan to give her he fake princess moment where she is basically a tourist attraction.

05x20 Blair is trying to organize the party that will launch her and Dan’s relationship. Party is ruined because of the drama of other people. That’s it

05x21 This episode where Blair is actually doing something related to her social status. But she does it by trying to sabotage her boyfriend’s event? Very grown up.

05x22 Now we are getting to episode where she actually does something. She reunites with her friends as they try to figure out the whole Elizabeth and Jack thing. We finally see her do something outside her relationship. Of course at the same time Dan is worried and follows her outside the city. And lies to her about Rome.

05x23 An interesting episode, again Blair is actually doing something but it’s still connected to her love life. Blair is trying to help Chuck but at the same time she should be with Dan taking to the guy from the program. So she is torn. But at least she is scheming and using her talents.

05x24 Blair has to finally choose between Chuck and Dan while her secrets are being published on gossip girl and she tired or stop it. Finally she talks about her future outise love life but it’s Eleanor that starts the conversation.

That’s all she does, every single scene is related to her love life, she has no plans, no aspirations. Until the very last episode we don’t hear her talk about her work related plans and even then she talks about the matter of her heart. In season 5 Blair isn’t her best self, she doesn’t do a thing. Things are happening to her but she isn’t making them happen, she is just responding to them. And they related only to her love life. Gone is the girl that wanted to be a powerful woman, she doesn’t want a thing, even after she got divorced and is with Dan. She doesn’t talk about her plans, the closesest to her talking about future is when she talks about it is when she is wondering is she wants to go with Dan to Rome, on his writing program and when she decides to do it she is planning the trip, on where they will be eating and what will they be seeing. Not even for a moments she thinks about her future, about what she wants to do.

Blair in season 5 is a shell of a character, regressed to the love triangles, she is woman that does nothing outside her love life. So in conclusion, season 5 is the worst when it comes to the way Blair was treated. She is so much more than her love life and in s5 they completely they forgot that. And yes it’s a season of very big growth to her as she is faced with crushing realization that fairytales and movies are not real, that reality is brutal. But that’s not how you do it, multiple characters have a character growth in this season and yet we see them actually do something not just wonder which guy should she choose and not the end waiting for someone else to choose for her.

It’s an emotional season but again thoes emotions and depth are in few episodes and are usually are not really coming from Blair. More often it someone else’s growth and understanding of her that is creating thoes moments.

#gossip girl #blair waldorf #chuck bass #Dan Humphrey #serena van der woodsen #nate archibald #Louis Grimaldi #eleanor waldorf #overthinker #tv show #cw show #tenen drama

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writingpaperghost · 3 years

Text

There is a Me Who Can Become Strong (Chapter 17)

Chapter 17: A Non-Standard BURGSTER?!

It's Emu's day off, but Yuko finds someone strange.

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32857183/chapters/83823709

Today, Emu was given the day off. Mostly because, according to Poppy, he was “too stressed” and “needed rest after everything with Yuko and revealing himself”. Also because Saki had a full day of surgeries today and wouldn’t be able to supervise him. So barring any Bugster related emergencies, he had the day off.

He’d allowed himself to indulge in a day of just being himself and not being Emu, so he wasn’t even in his Emu disguise, which was odd given he didn’t often do that. He’d gotten so used to both looking and acting like Emu, so it was still weird when he wasn’t. Acting like Emu sometimes fell away, when he just couldn’t keep up the personality, but even then, he still kept up his appearance. Admittedly, his outfit might draw some attention, but for the most part he figured he’d be fine.

Normally, when Emu took the day off, he just stayed inside, since people were, well, hard. But not today! Today he was being adventurous. Today, he was at a park. He was still playing video games, obviously, but now he was doing it outside. Which is pretty different from what he’d normally do.

Of course, Emu was never quite so lucky to have a boring day stay boring. And then Yuko arrived.

---

Yuko was idly munching on her burger and fries, not that she was a big fan of burgers. But she was settled at a restaurant today, her laptop opened. She was mostly focusing on typing away on her keyboard, occasionally taking a bite of burger or fries.

At least, she was, until she finds her burger mysteriously missing. The culprit of which she was easily able to find, only because he was large and burger shaped, though a scarf attempted to hide such a thing. She quickly deduced he was probably a Bugster, but why was he stealing burgers? Jumping up from her seat, Yuko grabs her laptop and chases after him.

“Hey!” She called, prompting the burger to run away, “Come back here!” This probably had the opposite of the intended effect, but Yuko was pretty good at running.

Eventually, she catches up with the burger shaped burger thief, who had found a man, who was clearly worrying over the burger Bugster. Concerned, the man said, “Burgermon, you have to be careful…”

“I’m sorry, Tsukuru,” The burger Bugster, Burgermon, responded, “I just wanted some burger, burg.”

Slowing down, Yuko watches the two for a moment, before speaking up, “So a burger Bugster who likes burgers?” This causes the two, Tsukuru and Burgermon, to turn their attention to her, “You could have just, like, asked. I don’t even eat burgers all that much.”

Tsukuru quickly apologized, “I’m sorry he stole your burger,” An act that Yuko didn’t’ think was necessary, given she wasn’t really all that mad. “Don’t tell anyone about Burgermon! I don’t want them to hurt him!”

One thing that was quickly becoming clear about Burgermon, was that he wasn’t like normal Bugsters. At this point, a regular Bugster would definitely have tried to do something to really stress out their host. Not to mention, what game is a burger Bugster even from?

Compared to other Bugsters – and Yuko knew that she had a small pool of reference to pull from – Burgermon was hardly dangerous. Yuko blinked, “I’m going to assume you’re the one who’s infected. But… why are you so fond of him? He could cause you to die.”

At that, Burgermon shrinked closer to Tsukuru, nearly trying to hide behind him. Tsukuru just seemed sad, “I know, but he’s… He’s not violent like other Bugsters. Burgermon just wants burgers.”

“Clearly,” Yuko laughs, “But… I still think you should go to the CR about this. They might be able to figure out a way to cure you without having to… kill Burgermon.” Given they had both Poppy and more importantly Emu on their team, it was almost certain they’d want to figure out how to cure Tsukuru peacefully.

Still, Tsukuru seemed hesitant, so Yuko tries again, “Really, they’re all weirdly nice there,” Then, what she really hopes will convince them, the reason she herself was convinced, “Besides, there’s twoBugsters working at the CR, I’m sure they’d all love to let there be another Bugster who can live peacefully with humans. They only fight Bugsters because the ones they fight don’t give them a choice.”

Tsukuru looks at Burgermon for a moment, then back at Yuko, “Okay,” He answers hesitantly.

So Yuko leads the two with her back to the CR, seeing no reason in calling in and making a fuss. Along the way, she talks with Tsukuru and Burgermon, finding that Burgermon was really a polite boy and the two almost seemed like father and son. Which was sweet, really, and made Yuko hope even more that the CR would be able to find a solution to this dilemma.

It was along the way to the CR, that she sees Emu, not at all disguised as Emu and instead in his proper appearance. He was sitting on a bench in the park playing a game on his Gemnboy – Mighty Action X, she determines when she comes close enough to hear the sounds.

“Hey, Emu!” At her call, Emu startles, then looks up, visibly confused.

After a moment, he sighs and asks, “Yuko, why is there a giant burger behind you?” At that question, Burgermon shrinks behind Tsukuru once more.

“He’s a Bugster,” She answered, “His name is Burgermon.”

---

Emu joins Yuko on her journey to bring Tsukuru and Burgermon to the CR, once more in his Emu appearance. Not that the journey lasted much longer, since they were dramatically interrupted by the arrival of none other than Kuroto Dan.

“Para-DX,” He called, pointing at Emu, “I will destroy your illegal game!”

Tsukuru blinked and quietly asked, “Is that…?”

“He’s gone a bit crazy in six years, I think,” Yuko answers.

Yet it’s Emu himself who disrupts Kuroto’s plan. Not by resisting, though, but by sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. “Um, about that…” He pulls out only Mighty Action X, “I… left my other Gashats at home.”

“What?!” Yuko gasped, grabbing Emu’s arm, “Seriously?”

Hurriedly, he tugs his arm away, “Yes!”

Kuroto pauses in thought for a moment, “Well I have another bootleg to get rid of,” Then he turns his sights to Burgermon, “He too comes from an illegal game.”

Yuko whips her head to look at him and glares, “I swear, if try to harm a crumb on Burgermon’s body I will murder you with my own two hands!” She attempts to run at him, but Emu grabs her and holds her back.

“Yuko, no! That’s a bad idea!” Despite his protests, Yuko continued to struggle, but was unable to break free.

Finally, Yuko calmed down, right in time for Kuroto to pull out his Buggle Driver and the Dangerous Zombie Gashat. In turn, Emu pulls out the Mighty Action X Gashat.

Dangerous Zombie!

Mighty Action X!

Buggle Up! Danger! Danger! (Genocide!) Death the crisis! Dangerous Zombie!

Level up! Mighty jump! Mighty kick! Mighty-Mighty Action X!

Gemn lunges towards Burgermon, but Emu intercepts, slashing at him with his axe. It does little to phase Gemn, though. The best he can really do is block Gemn’s attacks, which was better than nothing, but certainly not ideal.

Bang Bang Critical Strike!

A shot hits Gemn, knocking him back as Nico slides on scene, “Not getting in too far over your head, are you M?”

As the two begin to fight Gemn, both mostly blocking his attacks, behind them, Tsukuru perks up. “I know,” He said, pulling something out of his pocket, “One of them could use this.”

It was a Gashat, yellow and red, with it’s label declaring it the Ju Ju Burger Gashat. Yuko’s never heard of the game, though she isn’t really one who’s terribly knowledgeable about games. Still, she grabs it and catches Emu’s attention.

“Hey, Emu!” At her words, Emu turns to face her and she throws the Gashat. “Tsukuru said to use it.”

Emu nods and activates the Gashat.

Ju Ju Burger!

Bur~ger~ (Ju Ju) Bur~ger~ (Ju Ju) Ju Ju Burger!

The first thing Emu realizes is that he has roller skates. The next thing he realizes is that he has mustard and ketchup bottles on his arms. Thankfully, Emu wasn’t as clumsy as the real Emu was and was actually able to use roller skates.

“I’ll make burgers with no continues!”

The usage of this Gashat only seemed to piss off Gemn more, “You dare to use a bootleg Gashat? Against me?”

Nico shoots him, “Shut up, Gemn,” She groans, “No one wants to hear you gripe about illegal games or whatever.”

The two were able better keep Gemn back, but even then, were still clearly struggling. Ju Ju Burger helped, but it still wasn’t quite enough to really stop Gemn. Ju Ju Burger was only Level 4, which was definitely better than Level 2 like Emu’d been using, but Nico was still only using Level 2…

Finally, Gemn huffed, “Fine, the illegal games survive this time,” His voice is cold, “But it won’t next time.”

---

When they return to the CR, their able to ask Tsukuru more about who he was and what had caused Burgermon. He worked at Gemn Corp. and had been infected somehow when working on Ju Ju Burger, causing Burgermon to appear. He then made the Ju Ju Burger Gashat, hoping that it could help the CR if they ever found out about Burgermon.

Yuko was right that Burgermon was more or less harmless and it was clear that the source Tsukuru’s stress was if something happened to Burgermon. So they were in a bit of a complicated position.

Not too long after they got to the CR, Saki arrived and stared right at Emu, “You’re supposed to have the day off,”

“Yuko found us a patient,” Emu explains, “But it’s a bit complicated.”

“Burgermon is a nice Bugster,” Yuko frowns, “And hurting him will stress Tsukuru.”

Nico groans, “But if Tsukuru gets too stressed, whether from Burgermon being in danger or otherwise, we’ve also got a problem,” She stretches, “We can’t not do something, but we also can’t fight Burgermon.”

Adding on, Emu sighs, “And Kuroto seems really annoyed about both Burgermon’s and the Ju Ju Burger Gashat’s existence,” He shakes his head, “He’s already targeted him once.”

Saki takes in their words, the sounds of Poppy and Burgermon making burgers in her cabinet in the background. No one wanted to fight Burgermon, let alone kill him, but they weren’t sure how to cure Tsukuru otherwise.

---

“Ju Ju Burger, you said?” Mu was perched on the couch, staring at Kuroto, “Like the one that Mr. Tsukuru’s always wanted to continue? The one that’s practically his baby?”

Kuroto huffed, “Yes, Mu, that Ju Ju Burger,”

Who would be able to get infected by a game that wasn’t even finished? The only one who even kept working on that game was… “Is the one infected Mr. Tsukuru?”

“Hm?” Kuroto had already turned his attention back to his computer, the other double Gashat with a knob and Taddle Quest hooked up to it. “Oh, yes, I believe so.”

Mu stared for a moment, “I hope they cure him,” He said quietly. He liked Mr. Tsukuru, he was nice and often would talk to Mu about what he was working on. Mu hadn’t had a chance to talk to him in a while, having not been at Gemn Corp as much since Christmas. Masamune didn’t want to risk another run-in like the one he’d had with Lazer. “So what are you working on now?”

Curling his lips into a smile, Kuroto answers, “I’m upgrading Taddle Quest, of course. It’ll be stronger, like your Gashat.”

Furrowing his brows, Mu just nods, “Okay,”

---

When Emu comes into the CR the next day, he’s startled by Poppy immediately popping into his face, “Burgermon’s missing!”

“What?”

How could Burgermon have gone missing? It would be really hard to lose a whole burger Bugster. Still, Poppy’s worry makes it clear that Burgermon has, in fact, disappeared on her.

As the two rush up the stairs, hoping to find some kind of clue hiding somewhere. The clue was rather obvious, though, given the pickles placed carefully on a tray, with letters written in ketchup.

Saki began to walk up the stairs with Director Kagami at her side, when Poppy declares, “It’s a message in pickles!”

Blinking, Saki asked, “A… message? In pickles…?”

Emu quickly explained, “Burgermon’s disappeared, but it looks like he left a message.”

Poppy reads the message, “I’ve gone to go make Tsukuru better, burg.”

“Make him better?” Emu echoes, “How does he think he’ll do that?”

“I don’t know,” Saki shakes her head, “But we need to find him.”

They find him in a park, dramatically declaring, “If you don’t get away from me, they’ll be ketchup! I mean blood!” It certainly prompted people to run away. Except for Nico and Yuko, who had already been there.

Yuko was practically pulling at Burgermon’s arm, “Come on, Burgermon! Think of how sad Tsukuru will be if something happens to you!” Nico just watches, transformed, but clearly unsure what to do.

“She’s right, Burgermon,” Tsukuru pleaded, “Don’t do this!”

Burgermon just shakes his head, “No, I was actually evil all along, burg!”

Emu didn’t believe that, “Even if you are a villain, there are other roles you can play than being defeated.”

“Remember Burgermon,” Poppy began, “Your game is about making you happy, not hurting other people!”

He doesn’t say anything in response, instead, he launches an attack of various burger toppings. Emu transforms using Ju Ju Burger, and shoots at the toppings with the mustard and ketchup cannons on his arms. Nico just watches, letting Emu do whatever it is he has planned.

As the parts came together, a burger lands in Burgermon’s hand.

Game Clear!

“That means you’re cured, Tsukuru!” Poppy cheered, though it was quickly cut off by slow, ominous clapping.

“Quite a show,” Kuroto said, “I like your little words of encouragement.” He halts his clapping. This time, he’s joined by Ex-Aid.

Tsukuru looks at Ex-Aid and gasps, “Mu? What are you doing with him?” Emu paused at that. Mu? Like Masamune’s assistant? The one that was dead? Or at least, they thought he was dead.

Ex-Aid, rather, Mu, startles and looks at him, “Oh, Mr. Tsukuru…” he mumbled, then tugs at Kuroto’s sleeve, “Kuroto, why are we still here? Mr. Tsukuru’s been cured?”

Kuroto just smiled, “I have a bootleg game to destroy,”

Mu clearly frowned, “Ju Ju Burger? Or do you mean…?” Then he gasped, “Kuroto! You can’t kill Burgermon! He’s harmless!”

“He’s from an illegal game, Mu,” Kuroto says, “I can’t just have those running around.”

“Are you serious?” Mu huffed, “Mr. Tsukuru works at Gemn Corp, what more could you ask for?”

Kuroto ignores him and takes out the Dangerous Zombie Gashat. Nico quickly grabs Jet Combat, finally leveling up. Nico and Emu quickly run to stop Kuroto’s attacks. Mu doesn’t transform, instead watching for a moment as Kuroto, Nico, and Emu fight. Finally, he walks over to where Poppy, Saki, Tsukuru, and Burgermon stand.

Saki and Poppy place themselves between Mu and Tsukuru and Burgermon. With an almost hurt expression, Mu says emotionlessly, “I’m sorry,” He’s looking at both Burgermon and Tsukuru, ignoring Poppy and Saki. “Kuroto’s made up his mind. I’m not sure anyone can stop him now.”

Tsukuru gently pushes past Saki and Poppy, “Why do you work with him, Mu?”

Mu looks away, “When I found out you were infected, I was so worried. Now you’re cured and it’s clear that Burgermon is important to you but…” He had a pained expression, “I’m sorry, I just. I have to complete the game, so these sort of things don’t happen again. Alright? I’m sorry, but this is something I need to do. You’ll understand soon, I’m just… Not allowed to talk much about it.”

Quietly, Poppy asked, “Not allowed by who? Kuroto?”

“You’ll find out soon, when the game is completed, I’m sure,” He looks a bit… worried, though it’s unclear why. Then he reaches into his pocket, hesitating for a moment. Saki and Poppy were clearly put on edge by that action. He pulled out his Gamer Driver and two Gashats, the Proto Mighty Action X and Proto Drago Knight Hunter Z Gashat. He turns to face towards where Nico and Emu were still fighting Kuroto, struggling to keep up.

Mighty Action X!

Drago Knight Hunter Z!

Do-Do-Drago Kni-Kni-Kni-Knight! Dra! Dra! Drago Knight Hunter! Z!

Saki, Poppy, Tsukuru, and Burgermon watch for a moment, as Mu just stares at the fight. As Gemn knocks Emu and Nico down, the Ju Ju Burger Gashat clattering to the ground, Mu runs up to Kuroto.

“Come on, Kuroto! Stop it! This is unnecessary.” Emu can’t help but think that Mu sounded familiar. He’s thought that a few times before, but he wasn’t sure why.

“Why are you so insistent in sparing that bootleg Bugster?”

“Because he hasn’t done anything wrong! Because I don’t want to see Tsukuru hurt! Because your reasoning is stupid!” Mu continues to tug at Kuroto’s arm.

Kuroto shakes him off and turns his attention towards Burgermon and Tsukuru, and by proxy, Poppy and Nico.

Critical Dead!

Mu gasped and lunges forward, using Hunter Gamer’s tail to knock Saki and Poppy away. Annoyingly, Tsukuru and Burgermon were just a little too far. Yet before the Critical Dead could reach them, Burgermon rushes forward and takes the hit entirely.

Stalking over to where Emu was, Kuroto picks up the Ju Ju Burger Gashat. “Come on, Ex-Aid, we’re done here.”

Mu just stares as Kuroto walked off. Stunned, he removed the two Gashats from his Gamer Driver. He stands there, for a moment, before glancing back and Tsukuru and quietly repeating, “I’m sorry,” Then runs off after Kuroto.

---

Back at their hideout, Mu just sits on the couch, his arms crossed as he glared at Kuroto. He doesn’t say anything, just glare. Kuroto types at his computer for a moment, then sighs. Standing up, he walks over to the couch and hands Mu the Ju Ju Burger Gashat.

“What?”

“Take it,” Kuroto held it closer, “It won’t do me any good. I don’t care what you do with it.”

“But… why?” Mu couldn’t understand. Mu couldn’t understand a lot recently.

Kuroto just shakes his head, “Burgermon had to be gotten rid of, but the Gashat doesn’t really matter,” He walks back over to his desk. “Now I’m going to figure out what’s wrong with your Gashat.”

---

Mu wasn’t supposed to be at Gemn Corp right now, he knew he wasn’t, but he just. He had something he needed to do. He still felt bad about what had happened earlier.

He peeks into the office that Tsukuru worked in, seeing an nearly empty room, save for Tsukuru who quietly and slowly typed at his keyboard.

“Um, Mr. Tsukuru?” He called out, watching as Tsukuru looked up at him, “Um… I know you probably don’t… want to see me. But, um, I have something for you.”

Reaching into his pocket, Mu enters the room and holds out the Ju Ju Burger Gashat, keeping a distance as he hands it to Tsukuru. Tsukuru takes it, giving him a confused look. “Why?” He asked.

“We don’t need it,” Mu answered, “It’s not important for the game, so I think you should have it.”

Tsukuru looked at the Gashat, then back at Mu, “I see, thank you.”

Wasting no time in leaving, Mu quickly returns to his and Kuroto’s hideout, not wanting anyone else to see that he’d been at Gemn Corp. When he gets back, he can hear Kuroto talking, “Yes,” He sighed, “I understand.” He must have been on the phone.

As Mu quietly enters the room, it becomes clear that Kuroto had just finished his phone call. Immediately, Mu can tell that something’s wrong.

“Is something wrong?” Mu asked, catching Kuroto’s attention.

Kuroto shakes his head, “No, no, I’m fine,” though it’s not entirely convincing, Mu doesn’t ask farther.

It’s really not his business.

#kamen rider ex aid #kamen rider exaid #kamen rider #there is a me who can become strong #my writing

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ordinaryschmuck · 3 years

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Top 20 BEST Animated Series of the 2010s-15th Place

The fifteenth place is a tie, primarily because both of these shows are equally good, in my opinion. Some of you might disagree with me, but to that I say-

ALL ABOARD THE HATE TRAIN!

CHOO CHOO!

#15-We Bare Bears (2015-2020)/Big City Greens (2018-)

The Plot(s): Both shows involve an unorthodox family trying to fit in with what’s considered normal. In We Bare Bears, it’s three brother bears (Grizz, Panda, and Ice Bear) trying to fit in with modern society. And in Big City Greens, it’s a family of farmers (Cricket, Tilly, Bill, and Gramma) trying to adjust to city life after the family farm got sold due to low profits. In both shows, these characters make new friends, go on wacky adventures, and learn that they’ll always be okay as long as they’re together.

Aside from that brief description, I can sum up these shows in two words: Charmingly simplistic. There’s no intense continuity, no ongoing story arcs, or even an evilly evil villain hoping to take over the world...for the most part. These are just two different shows, with two types of families trying to get by in life. And honestly, it’s those families that make these shows work.

The dynamic between the bears in We Bare Bears is what makes the show so charming to watch. These three actually act like brothers (from what I’ve been told. I, unfortunately, don’t have brothers), and seeing their brotherly bond does nothing less than putting a smile on my face. Plus, the loyalty they have for each other is downright heartwarming, especially when the series flashes back to when they were kids.

And while I can’t entirely say that the Green family has the same amount of charm to them, there is one thing that I love. And that’s the fact that (kinda spoiler warning) they are an almost complete family in a Disney cartoon, with both parents being a prominent role in the series. Yes, Bill and Nancy are divorced, but that doesn’t mean Nancy isn’t around for her kids. She shows up frequently after her introduction and even gives off an impression that she’s a semi-good mom. In fact, Bill and Nancy seem to still have a level of respect for each other despite missing their old spark. It’s almost as if the writers are trying to say that not all divorces mean the destruction of a family, which I can respect. Because it can teach kids to not be afraid of the “D” word (kinda spoilers over).

But it’s not just the main characters that shine in these shows. The members of the supporting cast in We Bare Bears have a level of likability and depth. Chloe is often outgoing and laid back when she’s with the bears, who fails to make any other connections due to being a child prodigy. Ranger Tabes is often audacious and enjoyably energetic while also taking pride in her work and feels hurt when she thinks she’s not taken seriously. Then there are Charlie and Nom Nom, who have a level of charm to them. Despite being intended to come off as annoying and unlikable. Even the background characters are impressive due to the diversity of cultures and races that a viewer can see in each episode.

As for Big City Greens, the characters do not really have any depth outside of the main cast. What you see is pretty much what you get with most of these characters, aside from maybe Gloria, but even then, it’s only on occasion. Big City Greens also dodges showing diversity by having everyone be a shade of bright pastel colors. But I give credit to the show for having the first gay couple in a Disney cartoon...even though they get dropped by season two and are never fully confirmed as gay. Which pales in comparison to Luz and Amity from The Owl House, but it was at least a start! Sometimes, you gotta take baby steps before taking leaps ahead of the game. And don’t get me wrong, while I still prefer characters who have depth, that doesn’t mean I hate the characters in Big City Greens. Everyone does their job of adding to the story and making audiences laugh. In fact, making audiences laugh is what I would say Big City Greens does better than We Bare Bears.

Now in fairness. We Bare Bears is pretty funny from time to time. However, when it comes to which series makes me laugh the most, I have to pick Big City Greens. The first few episodes alone had me laughing much more than most of We Bare Bears' first season. It also helps that the show has a very random sense of humor elevated by the show’s energy. But I'll give it to you that comedy is subjective, and there are a couple of jokes that don’t work in Big City Greens. The best example is when the show lingers too long on a joke that didn’t really work as much as the writers thought it did. But that does not change the fact that Big City Greens is still a pretty funny show.

However, while We Bare Bears lacks comedy, it more than enough makes up for it with charm. This show is downright delightful to watch in almost every episode. Rarely do I feel anger when watching this series (which I wish I could say about previous/future entrees), and it has everything to do with the cast. I wasn’t kidding when I said that even intentionally annoying characters have a level of charm and likeability to them. In fact, the only bad episodes are when they begin to act uncharacteristically cruel and selfish. Mostly because those words could not be farther from a definition of We Bare Bears.

However, if I had to pick out the major fault that We Bare Bears have, it’s the fact that the show plays things a little too safe. For instance, whenever the show tries to go dark, it is pretty tame compared to other shows. The best example is how nearly every dangerous predator in this series somehow looks adorable. Wolfs, snakes, and even cougars (the big cats, not the middle-aged women) are somehow drawn to be cute and cuddly. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want a show to make kids think that dangerous woodland creatures like these are something you could just give a belly rub. I understand that this is a kids' show, but Big City Greens not only has the same rating, but it’s on the Disney Channel. And yet, it feels like that show has bigger cajones than the series formerly on the same network as Regular Show. That is not a good thing.

Going back to Big City Greens, I can sum up every problem I have with this show with one character: Cricket Green. Now I don’t entirely hate Cricket...but I’m willing to bet other people will. I can tell that the show is trying to make him a lovable little rascal that’s sort of a mix of Bart Simpson and Timmy Turner. But in the end, I think he causes more damage than either of those characters have in their entire lives. Cricket claims how sorry he is at the end of every episode, but I doubt he learns his lesson. We Bare Bears has a similar problem with Panda, but even when Panda is at his most selfish, he doesn’t do anything harmful to anyone but himself (except in the episode “Braces," but we don’t need to talk about that). Plus, even when he does go a tad too far, Panda’s voice actor (Bobby Moynihan) does a great job at making Panda seem sincere when he’s apologizing for his actions. Not to mention that Bobby gives a sense of realism and relatability with most of Panda’s lines. Then there is Cricket’s voice actor, Chris Houghton, an adult man trying to voice a child. I understand the logic behind using an adult over a kid (this happens more times than you think), but I feel like I would get the impression that Cricket is an innocent kid who doesn’t know better if he actually sounded like a kid.

In the end, neither of these shows are really that impressive compared to others. Thankfully with good comedy, charm, and great characters, they still manage to be really good for all ages. So while We Bare Bears and Big City Greens may not be as big as any other show in the last decade, they’re still good enough that you might just bear it!

(Two for one! I told you I would make up the embarrassment that was Dan Vs.!)

#top 20 of 2010s #we bare bears #big city greens #what i thought about

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xsecretblastsx · 4 years

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2x02 - Never Been Marcused

Here we are on a new recap, sadly we say good bye to the hamptons on this episode, but it seems fitting considering is the start of fall after all.

This one of those episodes were I barely remember what happens except for a few scenes here and there from my first watch, so it almost felt like watching a new episode. Anyway here we go.

As usual recap under the cut:

Thoughts I had while watching the episode:

Akward morning after talk between Dan and Serena, not my prefered way for the start of an episode, but what can I do

Well they are kind of cute here, I’ll admit. Though I’m kind of glad Serena’s first instict wasn’t to get back together right there and actually acknoweldging their break up had a lot of reasons behind it.

Blair looks super cute riding that bicycle, so picture perfect. Too bad is only on paper. That Marcus guy is super boring.

Blair can be like “Revenge is so 12 hours ago” but Serena’s is all of us being like “Sure Blair, you totally love Marcus and all of this has nothing to do with Chuck ofc”

I’m not sure if being refered as “ a perfect post Bass palate cleanser” can be taken as a compliment. And just like magic a wild Bass appears.

I’m just here to enjoy the akward moment every single boyfriend of Blair has to endure whenever they realize that Chuck Bass is going to be a relevant part of said relationship.

“For England” Marcus your nation is surely going to be proud of you for acting like a total englishman and accepting to be civil with Chuck Bass, the guy who just totally manipulated you into inserting himself in your date.

“Blair Waldorf a fling... you’re not exactly low maintenance” Serena speaking words of wisdom.

I guess abstinence (on Serena’s side mostly) was hard for Serena and Dan, otherwise I can’t understand why they’re acting as if keeping their hands to themselves is so difficutl, they never seemed that type of couple in S1.

Blair called him Charles, I guess she was pretty mad.

That whole sequence of Dan and Serena fooling around on the Jitney is soooo extra, and so unintentionally funny.

Nate’s family drama is never ending, though imagine the tragedy it must be for any UES to lose their money. Auch.

Surprise! Nate’s fling is actually the Duchess.

This whole dialogue: “No offense but don’t you think you’re a little outmached?” “As a guy. Blair wants to be a princess (>.<) and your greatest achievement is owning part of a burlesque club” and the cherry on top “Oh you know is love when you star talking like an assasin” Oh Nate Archibald, I love you.

Also apparently Chuck did spend tme with Bart from time to time, is kind of hard for me to imagine them playing Squash though.

Chuck keeping noble secrets from Nate. That’s love.

Hi Rufus... and Vanessa

Oh Marcus, giving so much intel to his new “best friend”.Also I kind of like the polo/vest combo Chuck’s wearing there. Weird.

“I have to present myself as crown jewel, sorrounded by other smaller slightly flawed gems, but quality stones nonetheless” this is such Blair thing to say haha.

“If you can’t find common ground wiht a dictator I don’t know who can” The added commentary is really making this episode for me.

I’ve never related more to Blair than this moment where she express how great it is that Serena’s free from Dan.

I just love when we get to see how much Chuck actually cares about Nate, selling his shares of Victrola is no small deal.

Nate and Vanessa! I still can’t believe how much I don’t mind, and actually kind of like this ship.

I kind of would love to see Anne Archibald doing her shopping at Salvation’s Army.

I love the combination of that suit with that shirt Chuck’s wearing, the color really suits him. I don’t know why but I’m noticing his wardobre much more this time around. Figures. I do remember thinking the first time around he was going to try and seduce the duchess. Now that would have been another akward moment of “Sorry Nate”

Serena looks so pretty here, even if I’m not that fan of her outfil.

“So she can warn me about the effects of too much botox” auch. Chuck: 1, Blair: 0. and he’s definately enjoying it.

I so wish Rufus had gone to tour again. He deserved to live that dream to the fullest.

“A lowly Waldorf” wow. Even I was hurt by that.

I love it when the GG voice oveer points out how ridiculous everything is. Case in point: “Chuck and Blair’s dates are mother and son, and Nate and Blair are exces, and Nate and the mother are in a book club?”

I get why Nate is mad at Chuck for not being upfront about the money, because it’s not easy addmitting that kind of problems in their wordl and even less accepting that kind of help, but Chuck’s intentions were good. Fact is he always helps Nate anyway he can.

The fact that Dan and Serena’s plotline this episode was basically just trying to resist each other, and I can’t help but think that this was the show’s way of trying to make them be more “chair like”, you know intense chemistry and sex appeal. As if.

“if the best version of the situation is I’m going to become Blair’s father in law I think is just time to move on” Now imagine that, thanks to Nate for putting that horrifying thought in my head.

And this is the start of Nate Archibald the gigolo.

“Oh my effing God” same Blair, same. Props to Nate for still acting so rightous and being all like “I don’t have anything to explain to you”

Blair telling the Duchess how things are going to be now... You go baby Vamp!

“I’m gonna turned it in a novel” so I guess this throway line was the start of “Inside”

Rufus beyond anything was first a Dad, the Humphrey kids got the best dad in the show, the kind of Dad any of the NJBC would have love to have as a parent, and yet they feel they were the unlucky ones.

That last scene between Chuck and Blair is such a display of chemistry a lot of ships wish they had. and the literal definition of what eye sexing each other means.

I feel so bad for Nate and Vanessa right now... with the add visual bonus of her sadly blowing the candles for a date that wasn’t. Feeling sad for Vanessa, now that’s new for me.

So this episode while there are moments that I really liked and it did kind of move the plot forward in some points, it also fills a lot like a filler episode and like I don’t really have much to say about it. Maybe because these storylines while I don’t hate them I don’t particularly like them either, in particular this chapter of the Serena and Dan saga this episode feels such a waste of time, they’re basically stalling because they really don’t want to have the difficult conversation of why they broke up and how they can fix their issues, and so to keep avoiding they distract themselves with taming their unrestrained need for sleeping with each other... sorry but what?

I’m not saying there’s no chemistry between Dan and Serena, but their relationship in S1 except for like 1 or two scenes was very much rooted in cutesy moments, tenderness, and how Serena was better with Dan (ugh) and how he wanted for her, not only because she was super hot, they never acted like “oh it’s so hard to keep our hands from each other, and we can’t resist this atraction” that couple were Chuck and Blair, so on this episode I just can’t buy it, it seems forced, almost as if the show wanted them to be more exciting and outrageous... to keep them as the main couple of the show as they were suposed to be, after all at this point of the show while Chuck and Blair were getting more traction, they hadn’t really overtook the show as they eventually did. It also felt part of the “omfg” vibe the show was going for, that scene in the Jitney was so extra, though in my case rather than getting me into them just made me laugh.

Nate storyline on the other hand is the one that really went places this episodes. It turns out his family is on the brink up bankrupcy because all the legal issues his dad is facing, and because his grandfather won’t help he and his mother are a very precarious situation wich leads Nate to seek help. He tries going to Chuck but on one hand he doesn’t really now how to explaint the situation, and also Chuck’s apparently really busy with scheming his way back to Blair. Except Chuck because he knows Nate is going to refuse him and he can’t help but help him either way sells his shares on Victrola and gives the money to Nate’s mom. Of course when Nate finds out he gets mad, because pride and also because he hates that Chuck lied to him about Victrola and to be fair it hasn’t been that long since they had a big fall out because Chuck wasn’t honest about stuff, so there’s that. Still, I feel I must take a moment to point out how much Nate actually means to Chuck? He loves that club, it’s a place with a lot of sentimental meaning too for a lot of reason and yet Chuck doesn’t hesitate to part with it if meants helping Nate. I know Chuck makes plenty of mistakes and awful things during the show, but these kind of moments are always kind of overlook and I just feel that’s unfair because only focusin on the worst of him, reduces him to this one dimensional villian, and in reality Chuck is one of the most complex characters on this show. These kind of moments are an example of his many layers.

So back to Nate, he ends up going to Vanessa, and I just feel this rewatch is turning me into a Nate and Vanessa shipper. Truth is I never hated this couple, but I was a bit meh to it, in part because Vanessa annoys the hell out of me for the most part, but I always thought she was less annoying with Nate. I like how she just sits and listens to Nate, and I think this is something that his best friends are not always the best at, Chuck tries but he’s more the type of friend that goes into action, he does what is need to do in order help rather than the heart to heart talk, and Nate and Serena’s friendship at this point while getting there, is kind of akward still and also there’s always some crisis going on her life that prevents her for being fully there, and Blair and Nate well.. they weren’t ever the talking type. So Vanessa helps with that, also when the show started Nate wanted in someway to detached himself from the UES and all it’s expectations and so Vannesa was that needed breeze of fresh air, and while she can be as judgy as Dan, I always felt she made more of an effort with Nate to be understanding than Dan ever was with the UES. So I like them, at least for now. Too bad Catherine happens and while Nate was really into the idea of having an affair with her this episode he realizes that’s an awful idea (the fact that she has a step son that’s older than him and is also dating Blair is admiteddly gross) but it’s a desperate time, and she offers him her help... and so we got Nate the gigolo, and that last scene in the taxi when he cancels on Vanessa made me sooo sad.

Lastly we have the Chuck and Blair part of the story, it’s always fun to see them scheming, and Chuck’s tactics these episode are rather sucessful at first and it’s mostly a display of him knowing Blair so well that he’s able to get the upper hand on all of her efforts to get on the Lord and his family good side. I should feel bad for her, in the sense that Chuck’s ruiningin her plans and it’s not fair because if he had showed up to Tuscany everything would be different. And yet I’m kind of glad he gets on her way because truthfully, this is just one of those times that Blair is trying to show herself as something she isnt’ in order to get a guy, and also climb higher in the social hierarchy, and it pains me because at the end of the day is just Blair not accepting herself, like Serena keeps pointing out through all the episode, just show the real Blair sure, she’s anything but low maintainance but there’s a lot of amazing in her that can make her shine to anyone. This plot also reminded me a bit of Blair and the prince storyline and also (because this party was trying to be very pretentious and sofisticated) that saloon thing she did with Dan in Season 5 and just remembering that gives me nightmare. So really not a fan of these particular scenes. In the end she ends up gaining the duchess via blackmail, which I like because I hate the Duchess so I’m all for Blair showing her Queen B side in full display and after this episode I missed it. It’s also the basis of that great moment at the end between her and Chuck in the Van der Bass kitchen, which is easily the most memorable thing in the whole hour and only for that I’m glad this episode exists. The chemistry and sexual tension of this whole scene is amazing and it puts to shame all the Dan and Serena “can’t keep their hand of each ohter” scenes, this is how is done. Sorry Derena.

Random bits I noticed:

The Pierces song playing in the background at the start of the episode, “Boy in a Rock and Roll Band” always puts me in a good mood for some reason.

That pearl headband Blair’s wearing at the party were so popular here for a while, I loved it so much back then, I sort of wish I had one now.

I loved the “Summer 08″ collage the Humphrey’s had in their loft. It also had this phrase “ I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality... I still believe that we shall overcome” by Dr. Martin Luther King. Kind of relevant isn’t it?

Having and episode ending with a shot of the NYC skyline at night, while New York, I Love You but You’re Bringing Me Down playing in the background... these are the kind of details I love.

Ending with a Chuck pick because I really like this suit

#gossip girl #gossip girl recap #gossip girl rewatch #2x02 #never been marcused

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dvp95 · 5 years

Text

seen but not heard

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: mature

warnings: none

tags: memory loss, amnesia, hurt/comfort, introspection, established relationship, domestic, an annoying amount of communication

word count: 7,070

sequel to still the best, more or less (which you can read on ao3 or here on tumblr) and so easy to come back into you (on ao3 and tumblr) and is that as good as it gets? (on ao3 and tumblr)

Bingo squares: forever home + breakfast bar + advocacy + emergency contact + instagram stories + frottage + picnic + movie plot au (yep. you read that right.)

read on ao3 or here!

Phil's hair is getting so long. The somewhat damaged ends curve around his ears, pieces of fringe falling into his eyes several times a day before being impatiently brushed away. It's soft, lazily pushed off his forehead, because he hasn't quite gotten the hang of quiff styling just yet. Dan almost wishes he'd helped Phil with it, Before, so that he could be more useful now.

There's a lot of things he wishes he'd done Before. He's dealing with one of them now, watching Phil run his hand over the cool, diamond tiles of an island counter that doesn't belong to them.

"It's nice," he says, noncommittal, but Dan isn't going to be polite for their real estate agent's sake.

"It's ugly," says Dan. "We don't want tile, we want granite. Or marble."

Phil blinks over at him with that carefully neutral face that Dan hates. "I mean, it's fine. It's just the counters. The rest of the kitchen is still nice."

It isn't. Dan can spot at least a dozen details that would have had Phil catching his eye with a sardonic little smile just a handful of months ago. The drawer handles are the knobby kind that Phil tends to knock his shins into, the hanging lights over the island counter are downright tacky, and everything's a little bit dated in the way that screams time and money spent renovating.

Their agent is nodding, though, because she had already gotten very familiar with their weird mish-mash of a wishlist before she needed to be reintroduced to Phil.

"I know that this room isn't ideal for you," Ellie is saying, tapping on her phone with a little stylus pen. "But the rest of the house has some great features, and the outside space was too good to ignore it altogether."

While she isn't looking, Phil lets some of his mask slip. It isn't what Dan wants to see, it's his 'why are you making a scene' eyebrows, but he still feels a slight comfort at being able to clock it. Sometimes Phil is impossible to read, on purpose, and Dan wants to tear his hair out from the root whenever that happens.

Dan crosses his arms over his chest and pulls his mouth in a way that he's sure has one of his dimples out, because he can feel the muscles in his cheek hugging the corner of his lips.

Phil rolls his eyes and taps at the tile countertop once, twice. Dan knows what that means, too, and he's still not thrilled about it.

They used to be on the same page, is the thing. They'd spent so many years arguing over the smallest of details for a home that had been purely hypothetical, watching renovation shows and saying, when we get our place, that now Dan feels wrongfooted.

"Alright, let's see the outside, then," Dan says, unable to hold back his irritation. Phil frowns at him again, but the mask is back up the moment that Ellie looks at them.

"Great! Just follow me."

Phil does so easily, following Ellie out of the kitchen and into the conservatory, but Dan has to take a moment.

He takes a couple deep breaths and runs his fingers over the ugly tile, wondering if Phil's tastes have actually changed so drastically or if he just doesn't care as much, being more or less a uni student. Neither of them had cared much about that sort of thing back then.

That was before they settled into themselves, into each other, before they'd formed opinions on things like the types of handles they'd have in their kitchen someday.

Maybe it would have been better if they'd done this last year, when they first started properly looking. Except they'd been too busy, always too busy, and Dan had been on an emotional rollercoaster of his own creation, and Phil had been so stressed he was passing out in bathrooms.

So maybe it would have gone even worse. Maybe they'd be stretched too thin and talking to each other too sharply instead. But the uncertainty is killing Dan, making him wonder, wonder, wonder.

Dan taps the tile once, twice, just like Phil had done, even though nobody is in the room to see it. We'll talk about this later.

The garden is nice enough. So is the rest of the house, really, but it isn't theirs, isn't going to be theirs. Dan can't see himself in it, can't see Phil in it, and he gives Ellie an apologetic little shrug on their way back to her car.

"That's alright, Daniel," she's saying in that briskly cheerful way of hers. "I've got a couple more places I can show you boys today. Nothing checks off all your items just yet, but I'm keeping my eyes and ears open for you - and, of course, you might still fall in love with a home that seems imperfect on paper!"

At the L word, Phil reaches for him. Dan has to fight not to pull his hand back, muscle memory, but he keeps his flinching internal and allows Phil to tangle their fingers together.

They're outside on the pavement in the late hours of the morning, December frost allowing them to see glimpses of their breath in the air. They listen to Ellie chatter as she digs around her purse for her keys and Dan doesn't freak out about holding his boyfriend's hand in public.

"That sounds nice," Phil says, squeezing Dan's hand a bit too tightly to be entirely reassuring.

Dan already knows how this conversation is going to go. Phil is going to ask him why he was being rude, Dan is going to try not to blame the memory loss for his frustration, and they'll probably end up more annoyed than when they started. They've still got a couple more places to look at before then, though, and Dan isn't sure how he feels about being the only one vetoing these places.

Scratch that. He knows exactly how he feels about it, and that's alone. He feels very, very alone when Phil isn't backing him up the way he used to.

They have to let go of each other to clamber in the car, Phil claiming shotgun easily, and Dan already misses the feeling of Phil's hand in his own. Phil's hands are always so soft, the weight of them so reassuring even when he's using them to tell Dan to stop being dramatic.

Dan links his own fingers together in his lap and zones out from the polite small talk happening in the front seat, watching the unfamiliar borough pass by through the window.

Sure enough, they're alone for five seconds in their building's swanky lift when Phil says, "You were being a dick."

Dan exhales slowly and keeps his eyes on the mindless app game he's playing. "And?"

"And, why?" Phil asks, and Dan doesn't need to look at him to know he's rolling his eyes. He does that a lot when he's frustrated with Dan, and sometimes it gets under Dan's skin in a way that leads to an argument, but he's not in that defensive type of mood today.

"Because we weren't going to buy any of those places," Dan says, "so why should I pretend like I was interested in them?"

"Well, of course we weren't," says Phil.

That surprises Dan into glancing up. His phone vibrates as he loses the level, but he doesn't actually care. He feels the corners of his mouth twitching and tries not to let them curve upwards, because he's still a little annoyed with Phil for not being on his side all day. He wonders if Phil can tell he's trying not to smile.

Probably. Phil grins at him, and Dan loses the battle.

"If you know that," Dan laughs and leads the way out of the lift, down their winding hallway. "Then why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I've got manners, Daniel," Phil sniffs. He's patting down his jacket and jeans, looking for the keys that Dan's actually got. Dan lets him search for longer than strictly necessary before he pulls out his keys and lets them in.

Phil snorts and shoves lightly at Dan's shoulder, but the tension between them has relaxed into something that Dan can handle. Over the past few months, Phil has learned how to argue with Dan in a way that isn't so pointed, is more conducive to actual change, but Dan still doesn't like arguing with Phil. He'd much rather bicker, all the honesty without the sharp edges of real insults.

"I just don't think it's necessary to pretend like we're interested in places we aren't going to buy," Dan says, shrugging out of his jacket. "It's Ellie's job to find us the right place."

"Do you think the right place exists?"

The question stumps Dan for a moment. Of course the right place exists, they just have to find it, and probably rework parts of it to be perfect for them. He's not usually the one pulling out blind optimism in casual conversation, but it just seems so unlikely that they'll be searching forever.

"I do," says Dan. "I do think the right place is out there. And so do you."

It's always a little risky these days, stating Phil's feelings like they're fact. Sometimes it makes Phil bristle.

This time, Phil just smiles at him. He reaches for Dan and Dan doesn't flinch, going easily into Phil's arms and accepting the slow kiss with a smile of his own. They haven't even left the entryway.

The cold outside has seeped into Phil, making his fingers and lips chilly with it, and Dan presses closer to try and chase it away. Phil giggles into the kiss and presses his cold hands to the sides of Dan's neck.

"Awful!" Dan yelps, smacking his hands away.

Phil giggles again, pushing his tongue between his teeth as he does so, and Dan almost isn't able to keep a straight face. His cheeks are tinted pink from the wind and his crow's feet are deep with unabashed joy. He's beautiful, and happy, and Dan only hangs onto his scowl by a thread.

"What?" Phil asks, all performatively wide eyes. He has long lost the ability to use the innocent act on Dan.

"Your hands are fucking frozen, mate," says Dan. "Keep them away from me."

"Thought you liked it when I touch you," Phil laughs, seemingly oblivious to the way Dan's stomach twists at the joke. He wiggles his fingers at Dan threateningly. "What're you gonna do?"

"Make you sleep on the sofa."

It's a laughably empty threat, and Phil knows that at this point. He grins wider and reaches for Dan's face with both hands.

Dan shrieks a protest and ducks away, bounding up the stairs and only sparing a moment's thought to worry when he hears Phil curse and bang his knee on a step in chase. He feels like a kid again, playing a weird sort of tag, and the tension from the day is melting out of Dan as they shout nonsense at each other and do fake-outs around the sofa.

This is better. Better than the arguing that Dan had expected and even better than the bickering that he'd settle for. He lets himself get caught in the kitchen, laughing like a hyena when Phil sticks his cold hands up his shirt and holds him against their breakfast bar, which has no ugly tile in sight for them to get fixated on.

Phil presses their open mouths together and Dan, for once, is thankful that he doesn't know this Phil as well as he thinks he does.

There was a time in Dan's life, not all that long ago, where the concept of permission to touch was almost an afterthought. In the privacy of their own home, where there were never prying eyes or judgements from strangers, they would put their hands, their lips, their entire selves, anywhere on each other and it would be more than okay with the other. Sure, there were always days where they didn't want to be touched, but they knew each other's moods and body language well enough that it stopped needing to be verbalized.

Now, it is no longer a given that what they want is each other's touch at all times.

Is this okay?, Dan will ask, wrapping his arms around Phil, kissing his forehead, heart pounding as he waits to hear if the soft affection is all too much for Phil today.

Is this okay?, Phil will ask in return, his hesitant fingers skimming over Dan's bare skin like he isn't sure if he's allowed, because sometimes he is not.

The boundaries have shifted, and sometimes Dan worries that this is permanent, that he and Phil will never again be able to read each other so well that the question is only confirmation, not permission.

Sometimes, Dan is scared that things between the two of them will never be the same again. He'd held onto some kind of hope for a while that Phil would one day wake up and be himself again, but that was in September. Now, their box of Christmas decorations is out and ready to be unpacked, but Phil still feels... different. Slightly off. Uncanny Valley.

"Maybe this is just who he is, now," Dan says quietly. "Maybe we're already past the point of this thing affecting us forever."

"Maybe," says Robin. Her volume matches his, but her tone is full of warmth. She uncrosses her legs and leans forward a bit, tucking a stray thin braid behind her ear. "Would knowing that be better or worse than the uncertainty?"

That's a good question. Dan chews his lip a little bit and glances at his old friend, the fern in the corner. He's impressed by her ability to keep it alive.

"I don't know. Better, maybe, because at least I won't be waiting for something that might never come."

"What are you waiting for?" Robin asks. When Dan can only shrug, she tries again. "Let me rephrase that. If you woke up tomorrow and things between you and Phil were, as you've put it in past sessions, 'back to normal', how would you know? What would the indicators of change be?"

Dan doesn't really like to think about it, if he's honest, but he supposes that's kind of the whole point of this therapy thing.

He sighs and looks down at his own hands. "We would just... know. I wouldn't need to teach him things about me, he wouldn't get that look in his eyes I don't understand anymore. We'd just know each other again."

There's a long moment of quiet, then. Dan can't tell if it's because Robin is processing his words or because she's giving him space to keep talking, but it doesn't really matter in the end. He doesn't mind the stretches of silence that happen a few times every session, broken only by the low hum of the office space heater, because he understands the purpose of them.

"You know," she says, still so soft, "that's the way most relationships work, Daniel."

Dan blinks, his long fingers curling into his palms. "What do you mean?" he asks, even though he's pretty sure he knows the answer already.

"I mean that all relationships are based on communication," says Robin. "And from what you've told me since we started seeing each other, it seems to me like you and Phil became most comfortable using non-verbal communication. Am I right in thinking that?"

The one-two tap to the island counter that didn't belong to them: We'll talk about this later. The tentative brush of fingers over Dan's waist while they kiss: Is this okay?

"I think we still are," Dan says, slow. "But it isn't as... seamless, I guess, as it used to be."

"People grow and change," Robin reminds him. "They'll do that even without the trauma the two of you have been through. I know that change is scary, but maybe it's an opportunity for you and Phil to grow together."

Dan looks up and gives her a sardonic little smile. "You're saying that talking is good, actually."

"Of course it is." Robin laughs, and Dan feels that weird sense of pride that he always gets when his therapist thinks he's funny. "I'm not here to tell you what to do or how to live your life, but, yes. Talking is very good, actually."

"Ugh," Dan jokes, relaxing into his chair a bit more.

The lighter mood is a welcome shift, but Dan knows that the undercurrent of anxiety won't go away unless he addresses it. He looks over at the fern, its leaves more or less stationary now that it's too cold for Robin's fan to be running.

"I'm scared," he says, "that if we alter parts of our relationship, it's like we're giving up altogether on the way things were."

"And that's a bad thing?" Robin asks. Dan likes the way she manages to keep her tone level - like she's clarifying, not judging. He wonders if it's a skill he would ever be able to emulate.

"I guess it's more of a different thing than a bad thing," Dan admits. "Because, like. I love him and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him either way. And I'm always going to wish this didn't happen, because it's not fair and it sucks, but I don't, like, hold it against him or anything. I just can't help... hoping."

It makes guilt settle in Dan's gut every time he voices that, no matter how much Robin - and Phil - assure him that it's a totally reasonable thing for him to be feeling.

He can't shake the niggling doubt that Phil wouldn't be so hung up on the past if the situation was reversed. At first, yeah, sure, he'd have freaked out probably more than Dan had, but Dan can't imagine him being anything but excited about small memories coming back, while Dan still has to hold back waves of disappointment. He knows Phil, every version of Phil, and yet he isn't sure if these doubts are pure paranoia about his own reactions or if they're accurate. It doesn't really matter. He's never going to know for sure.

What he does know, and what he reminds himself of often, is that Phil loves him. They love each other, and they can get through this even if it's scary, if it hurts, if Phil never remembers a single thing again. They'll still be okay. What they've built together is solid, no matter what fleeting worries they might have.

"I think it's very normal to hope," Robin says. She's predictable in her platitudes, but Dan is still glad to hear it. "It does sound scary to come back and rework things in a relationship you thought would stay the same forever. Have there been times in the past that the two of you needed to come back to a boundary or behaviour for whatever reason and say, 'hey, this isn't working for me anymore'?"

"Yeah," Dan says, slowly. He's struggling to think of an example that isn't kink-based. He hates his brain sometimes. "Uh..."

Blessedly, Robin waves a hand in his general direction. "You don't have to tell me. I just want you to think about those times, okay? Remember that you needed to talk this sort of thing through Before, too, just not as often."

Dan can hear the emphasis, the same way he hears it in his own mind. The way he thinks that the fans have probably been using it, if Dan could stomach looking at comments anymore.

"Phil might never be the way he was Before," says Dan. His voice sounds too loud in the soft atmosphere, his heart pounding in his ears the way it does every time he says something like this out loud. "Because. He's different forever now, isn't he. This affected him to his core, temporary or not."

Robin nods, more of a prompt to continue than an agreement, but Dan can't speak past the lump in his throat.

"That may be so," she says. "And the same is true for you, Dan, isn't it?"

It is. Dan wishes it weren't, but it is.

He looks at the leaves of the fern again, admires its healthy hue, as he tries to hold back the wetness threatening to surge uncontrollably to his eyes.

Most of the time, Robin gives him a moment to collect himself. Sometimes, though, she gently pushes.

"So if you don't hold that against Phil, why do you hold it against yourself?"

Phil is on the sofa, wrapped in a quilt and concentrating hard on the Crash Bandicoot level he's been trying to beat without Dan's help for the past few days. There are two mugs on the coffee table, bits of steam twisting from them, the weak sun is low in the sky - a downside of winter that Dan forgets about every year until it comes around again - and Phil's got a candle lit.

This place isn't theirs, not really, but the scene looks and smells and feels so much like home that Dan has to steady himself on the doorframe.

The ugly tile, they could have lived with. This, Phil making a cozy nest for them while he waits for Dan because he knows that Dan's always drained after therapy, is something that Dan will never allow himself to live without.

"Hey, you," Dan says when it is clear that Phil is too engaged in the game to notice him.

Crash dies as Phil jumps. An apology is on Dan's lips, but Phil beams up at him and it gets lost somewhere on the way out.

"Jeez, you scared me," Phil laughs. He holds the quilt cocoon open in invitation. That's not something Dan thinks he could ever turn his nose up at. He comes close and settles into the warm space under Phil's arm, pressing a soft kiss to Phil's chest as he does. Phil folds the quilt around them both and kisses Dan's curls. "Hi, love. How was therapy?"

"Hard," Dan rasps out. He snuggles closer, presses himself as close to Phil as he can possibly get in this position. "Don't wanna talk about it yet."

"Okay," says Phil. He squeezes Dan's shoulder. "I made you hot chocolate, when you want it."

Dan closes his eyes and nods, lets the sensation of being loved curl through his body and warm him from the inside.

There's a routine. There always has been.

They'll take turns making food for each other, tidy up the flat half-heartedly, work on projects - or, in Dan's current case, spiral over not working on projects - until they start to go cross-eyed, and then they curl up with an episode or four of something they both like until one of them starts to yawn.

It's a good routine, and it works for them, but today Dan stops Phil from opening his laptop with a hand on his wrist.

"I'm not going to stop being picky about our house."

"What?" Phil asks, brow furrowed adorably.

Dan smiles and shifts his grip so that he's holding Phil's hand. "I'm going to be really annoying about it. I'm a perfectionist, and I'm almost as stubborn as you are, and I care about what our forever home looks like."

"Okay," says Phil. He's blinking at Dan like Dan is out of focus, even though his glasses are on. His coffee clearly hasn't kicked in yet.

"And I would appreciate it," Dan continues, "if you would back me up. We're a team, yeah? I'm not asking you to be rude to anyone, just don't, like... contradict me when you don't mean it. I know you knew that kitchen was ugly as fuck."

The corners of Phil's lips curve upwards, and he shrugs. "Yeah. It really was. What the hell were those lights? We're too tall for hanging lights, Dan."

Dan laughs. Maybe talking isn't so bad after all. He rests his chin on Phil's shoulder and noses into his neck, annoying on purpose so he can hear Phil's little huff of laughter as he gets pushed away.

"We are too tall for hanging lights," Dan agrees, warm. "And did you see the showerhead in the third place? It would spray me in the fucking eye."

"But the right place is out there," Phil reminds him, still smiling.

"It's out there," says Dan. He dimples at Phil, leans in for a slow, simple kiss. "We aren't in any rush."

The way Phil grins at him, so uninhibited and happy, makes Dan wish he'd never doubted this. There are moments, there are always moments, when it is harder, but. Dan is so in love with the Phil beside him right now that he can't even conjure up that disappointment if he wanted to.

"We aren't?" Phil checks, teasing. He wraps both arms around Dan instead of reaching for his laptop again.

Dan likes that Phil isn't so focused on work now, hasn't had the lived experience of settling into such a never-ending schedule of videos, tweets, Instagram stories, liveshows. He still does all those things now, despite Dan's worries, it's just not as all-consuming as it used to be.

"No," says Dan. He knows he's smiling, he can feel it.

"I'm glad your biological clock isn't ticking," Phil teases, tickling Dan's sides, and Dan laughs to cover the pang he feels.

That's a conversation he doesn't know how to have, now. They'd never made solid plans, always a 'someday', after the house and the dog and the telling Dan's family.

They're halfway through that list, but Dan can't imagine bringing that up to Phil at this point. He knows damn well that Phil hadn't wanted kids at the mental age he's at now, and he really doesn't want to see the meerkat face of pure panic.

Instead, Dan pushes that worry down and crawls into Phil's lap. "Mm, not yet," he says, deflecting easily. "You wanna do something today?"

"I've got some work to do," Phil says, apologetic. He squeezes Dan's hips. "Maybe later?"

"Overworking yourself is a habit I really wish you wouldn't fall into again," Dan murmurs, brushing his thumbs over the sharp angles of Phil's cheeks to soften the harshness of his words. "It's not good for you."

It would be easy for Phil to wave off the concern like it's no big deal or to coolly point out that one of them ought to be working, but he just smiles at Dan.

"Okay," he agrees, far more easily than he ever would have Before. "Have you got something in mind?"

Dan doesn't, but he can make decisions on the fly a lot easier than Phil can. "Dunno. Let's get out of the house for a bit, yeah? There's that vegan cafe I've been wanting to try."

To Phil's credit, he barely pulls a face.

"Vegan cafe?"

"Yeah," Dan laughs, presses his open mouth against Phil's jaw for a moment. "I mean, Adrian recommended it - my brother, Adrian - and he's, like, way better about the vegan thing than I am, so. Figured he probably knows what he's talking about."

Phil's eyes light up the tiniest bit. "You've been talking to your brother?"

No. Dan's been stalking Adrian's Instagrams every day since his brother came back to England for Christmas, watching the stories about food and marathons and yeah, maybe wondering what it would be like to be told about all of it firsthand. It's always worst in the weeks leading up to Christmas, the way Dan's goblin brain likes to compare his tenuous relationships with his family to other people - to the Lesters, specifically.

It's hard to be jealous of a thing you've been invited into with open arms, and yet Dan's mind has managed it.

He doesn't know how to explain that to Phil, not when he knows exactly how unreasonable it is, so he just shrugs. "No, saw it on his Insta story the other day."

Phil is too good at that carefully neutral expression, but Dan doesn't mind this time. He doesn't want to see the judgement that he's sure is just under the surface, not when he's still trying to shake the joke about kids.

"Okay," Phil says. "You'll have to get off me so we can get dressed, though."

The sun is beating down on Dan's skin, making him feel hot all over and lazy with it. He stretches out on the blanket underneath him and hums, contentment seeping all the way to his bones.

Lips are pressed to the back of his neck, across his shoulders, down his spine, and he feels his toes curl.

"Feels nice," he murmurs.

"Yeah?" When Phil laughs, the hot exhale of breath against Dan's bare skin makes him shiver despite the heat. "This was your idea, you little rat, don't fall asleep on me."

Dan can't remember his line. He supposes it doesn't really matter, in this hazy dream of a memory. He just wiggles in invitation and makes a low, happy noise when Phil's weight settles properly on top of him.

In reality, he'd gotten sunscreen rubbed into his shoulders and a trail of feather-light kisses in the wake of Phil's hands before Phil made him sit up and eat the sandwiches Dan had brought with them. The beach was private, but so was Phil, and Dan couldn't say no to a picnic he'd been the one to insist on, in any case.

This time, Dan's subconscious wants a different ending. The kisses on his back turn to bites, and he arches into the phantom feeling with a soft groan.

"Dan," Phil says in his ear. He sounds strained in a way Dan didn't expect. "Bear, wake up."

Dan doesn't want to wake up. He wants to chase the warm feelings of pleasure that his dream is promising him. He huffs unhappily and shakes his head, burying his face further into his own arms.

"Seriously, Dan," says Phil, and the tinge of panic is enough to pull Dan completely out of the dream.

Grumbling a bit, Dan blinks his eyes open and takes stock of the situation. He's got his face buried in Phil's chest, not his pillow, and an arm and a leg draped over him carelessly. It's not that unusual of a cuddle to wake up in, but when Dan shifts to get more comfortable, he realises the problem. He's managed to press his dream-induced arousal into the dip of Phil's hip, and he's probably been grinding against it in his sleep.

"Aw, fuck," he groans, rolling onto his back and tossing an arm over his face to hide his blush. "Christ, sorry, I didn't mean to, fucking - sorry."

"I mean, I don't mind." Phil laughs, low and rough from sleep. That fucking laugh. It doesn't help Dan's situation. He also sounds relieved, now that Dan isn't trapping him against the mattress. "But you were sleeping. I didn't want you to be upset when you woke up."

"This is humiliating," Dan informs him.

He feels Phil shrug, their shoulders brushing together. "Not really. I mean, it's fine, you're just a deeper sleeper than me."

"It's stupid," Dan insists, "that we aren't having sex. This is the longest we've ever gone without having sex, and it's my stupid fault, and -"

"Hey," says Phil. His soft, steady hands pull Dan's arm off his face. He props himself up on his side and smiles at Dan, unfocused gaze somewhere around Dan's eyebrows. "Stop that. I don't care."

"How do you not care?" Dan huffs. "All I cared about when I was twenty was getting fucked."

Phil laughs. "Yeah, okay, maybe being in my thirties has caught up to me."

"It has not," says Dan. "Trust me."

"Okay, but you don't want to," Phil says, and Dan feels guilt settle in his gut despite Phil's easy tone. "And I know that. D'you think I've just been sitting here resenting you for it?"

Yes.

Even though Phil doesn't have his glasses on to see Dan, something about Dan's silence must give him away. Phil furrows his brow, humour dropping, and puts his palm over Dan's chest.

"I haven't," Phil says, so earnest with it that Dan wants to cry. "I get why you don't want to, and even if I didn't get it, I'd still be fine with it."

"I should be able to fuck my boyfriend," Dan informs the ceiling, unable to keep looking at Phil while he's exuding pure sincerity. "Hell, I should be able to snog my boyfriend, and I can't even do that without freaking the fuck out. What if it doesn't go away? What if I'm always like this, now? What if you always feel like a stranger, Phil, what then?"

The room is quiet for a couple of beats while Dan tries not to cry while he's got a semi. Phil's hand over his heart is the only thing grounding him from going into a proper spiral.

"First of all, I'm your fiancé," says Phil.

That isn't a response Dan expected. He looks back at Phil, expecting to see a teasing lilt to his mouth, but Phil is still all wide-eyed genuineness. Dan's heart aches.

"I think that makes it worse, probably," Dan whispers.

"Second of all," Phil says like Dan hasn't spoken, "I'm not a dickhead. If you don't want to snog me, we won't snog. If you do, we will. I get that you feel guilty, but like... so do I, babe. Neither of us are the same people anymore, yeah? It's not anyone's fault."

"I guess..."

Phil rolls his eyes. "I love you, not your cock, you absolute idiot."

Giggles burst past Dan's lips before he can stop them, and Phil snorts. They're both laughing softly, then, Phil's forehead pressed to Dan's shoulder and Dan's fingers covering his own mouth.

"D'you even remember my cock?" Dan teases. He yelps when Phil pinches his side, squirming away from it.

"Remember your mum's cock," Phil grumbles.

It's crude and it makes no goddamn sense and both of them are wheezing before long as they trade stupid, sleepy banter and roll around, poking and pinching and tickling.

The guilt is still there, simmering on a low boil in Dan's stomach, but he can work that out in therapy. He's got no reason not to believe Phil except his own paranoia, so. He's going to try.

Dan pushes and pulls at the boundaries while Phil follows his lead, ever patient about the experimentation. Is this okay?, Dan asks when he starts getting changed in the same room as Phil again, his fingers under the waistband of his pants and his teeth working at his lower lip. Is this okay?, Phil asks in response when his mouth finds the underside of Dan's jaw, the curve of Dan's ear, the sensitive pulse point of Dan's neck that makes him gasp.

It isn't always. But they're working on it, they're asking, they're a team even in this, and Dan starts to feel that hope again.

Normally, Dan doesn't answer his phone to unknown numbers. He's a proper millennial - if someone wants to get ahold of him, they can text him, leave a voicemail, or call Phil.

But he's bored, idly cleaning the house while Phil runs errands, and he's all too happy to distract himself from watching Phil's Instagram story from Starbucks for the umpteenth time since it was posted. So he answers it, expecting to tell a telemarketer to fuck off.

"Hullo?" he says, rearranging the mugs in their too-full cupboard by colour.

"May I speak to Daniel Howell?"

Dan gives up on sorting their alarmingly large collection of mugs and takes one out to start making himself a coffee instead. "Speaking. Who's this?"

"Hi, Daniel," the woman on the line says, kindly professional and clipped like she's in a bit of a rush. "I'm calling from St. Joseph's. You're listed as the emergency contact for -"

"Phil," Dan breathes, his blood rushing to his ears and making him dizzy. He barely hangs on to the mug, gripping tight enough to hurt his palm so it doesn't shatter on the tile. "Phil Lester, right? What happened? Is he hurt?"

"He has no serious injuries," she assures him quickly. "Mr. Lester fainted in a public place and was brought in by a member of the public."

Fuck. Fuck, not again.

Dan puts the mug down and starts searching for keys, socks, a jacket. "Fuck," he says out loud, not concerned at all about swearing at a stranger. He's sure she's lovely. "Fuck, alright, St. Joseph's? In A&E, right? I'll be there in, like, fucking. Fifteen minutes. Maybe twenty. Is he awake?"

"He's awake, but he’s confused. Come to the front desk at A&E and we'll get you sorted."

Before she can say anything else, Dan hangs up on her. He's going to hyperventilate if he has to listen to this any more. It takes him a moment to collect himself, remember that it doesn't help anybody for him to fall apart right now, and then he's grabbing his things and rushing out the door.

"I'm fine," Phil is insisting blearily, trying to wave the nurse away from inspecting the small cut on his forehead.

"You hit the pavement," the nurse says, patient, and Dan wants to strangle himself for not joining Phil when he left the flat this morning. "I need to clean this, Philip, so we can see if you need any stitches."

"I don't," says Phil. He's slurring a bit, and that fucking terrifies Dan. "Don't need em."

The nurse, admirably, does not roll his eyes. "I'll be the judge of that, alright? Please stay still for me."

Phil opens his mouth to protest again, and Dan has to step in before Phil's stubbornness gets the better of all of them. His heart is in his fucking throat as he steps closer to Phil's bed, hands shoved in his pockets so nobody can see them shaking.

"Phil, c'mon, let him do his job," Dan says, quiet out of respect for the people around them.

He's practically frozen when Phil looks at him and blinks, confused. Dan hasn't thrown an actual temper tantrum since he was a kid, but this is the kind of thing that could make him scream and break shit. He watches Phil's eyes, round and bewildered behind his broken glasses, and he holds his breath as he waits for the moment of truth.

"Dan," Phil says, and Dan could fucking pass out himself from how relieved he is. "What're you doing here? They're saying I fainted, did I faint?"

"You did," says Dan. He makes eye contact with the nurse before carefully sitting at the foot of Phil's bed. The nurse doesn't ask him to move, so he doesn't. "I wasn't with you, the hospital called me. D'you... do you remember what happened?"

It's more of a loaded question than Dan really wants it to be. Phil still looks confused, and he's trying to wave away the nurse's hand again, so Dan takes both of Phil's hands in his own and squeezes them reassuringly.

Dan is tempted to glance up at the nurse, to look around at all the strangers who might be staring at them, but he honestly couldn't give a toss right now if someone wants to give them a dirty look. Anyway it's unlikely that, in this particular room, anybody cares about two men holding hands.

"You don't need stitches," the nurse announces after a moment. Dan still doesn't let go of Phil's hands. "I'll be back in a moment, okay, Philip? We're going to need to get you a CT scan as soon as possible."

"I don't wanna," Phil groans.

"Well, tough," the nurse says easily enough, and Dan is surprised into laughing. He catches the small smile on the nurse's face before he moves away from the bed, and Dan wonders how Phil can still be so charming to strangers when he's acting like a drunk, pigheaded toddler.

"You know who I am?" Dan checks once they're left more or less alone, brushing his thumbs over the back of Phil's hands.

"Yeah, there's," Phil says, frowning like he doesn't know what comes next. After a moment, he shrugs. "I dunno. Doesn't feel like anything else is, er, gone? Feel the same. Just, like. Confused."

He's less coherent than he'd been in their kitchen all those months ago, and that scares the shit out of Dan. He tries not to let that show, because the last thing he needs is to add to Phil's confusion and anxiety or exacerbate his own.

"I'm glad," Dan jokes weakly instead. "Don't know what I'd do if you forgot me again, mate."

"I'd still love you," Phil says, a little nonsensical.

Dan laughs wetly, his eyes welling up despite himself. "Yeah. I'd make you fall in love with me over and over like, fucking, that Adam Sandler movie or something."

"I dunno that one."

"That's okay. I would."

"Good." Phil smiles at him, a little goofily, and raises Dan's hands to kiss his knuckles. That's a little more intimate than Dan usually cares to be in public, but. Whatever. He's fighting a losing battle with his emotions already. "Mm. Marry me?"

A traitorous tear slips out and Dan huffs a laugh, taking one of his hands back to wipe at his eyes. "I already said yes."

"You said yes but not right now," Phil reminds him, and Dan's heart swells with the confirmation that Phil is still in there. "Yes but later. Well, it's later, isn't it?"

"Is this really the best time?" Dan asks, but he can feel the grin stretching his face.

"Yes, it is." Phil reaches up and pokes Dan's cheek, right in his dimple. "Boop," he stage-whispers.

Dan's laughing then, and crying, everything bubbling up and making him a bit hysterical with it. He presses his lips to the corner of Phil's mouth, because he doesn't care. He doesn't care who sees, he's going to kiss his fiancé. He does remember where they are, though, so he pulls back and giggles at Phil's pout.

He taps once, twice, on Phil's knee. We'll talk about this later.

#phanfic #phanfiction #dnp fic #words words words #bingo

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phantasticworks · 4 years

Text

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Fifteen

hello!! now you must be thinking to yourself, is it Friday already? Not quite (at least it's not where I'm at) but I'm updating a little early as a treat to all of you (totally has nothing to do with my new job having me working 40+ hours a week and very little time to myself lol)

read on ao3

Words: 9.3k

Summary: Dan and Phil settle into a new normal with their family of five

Warnings for this chapter: Swearing

Monday morning is a little hectic in the sense that having three kids to coordinate is a little harder than just the two, but Dan stays thankful that Levi is old enough to pretty much take care of himself. Still, it does stress him out just a little trying to make sure everyone has a lunch and their backpacks sorted. Phil helps to calm him down a bit, assuring him over and over again that he’s checked and double checked that everyone has their lunch packed and their backpacks adequately stocked.

By the time breakfast is over and they’re heading out the door Dan has calmed down significantly. The twins hug Phil goodbye, and Dan accepts the kiss on his cheek with a soft smile, grateful for the attention and affection. Levi stands awkwardly by the door but otherwise doesn’t react. Not that Dan expected him to, since Levi hadn’t seemed outwardly bothered by any displays of affection between the two of them, but still. He can’t help but be nervous that it might make him uncomfortable. And, a smaller, almost buried part of him, worries that not only would it bother Levi, but that he might one day have some sort of homophobic outburst.

“Bye, drive save, see you when you get home,” Phil murmurs into Dan’s ear before releasing him. “Bye, kiddos, learn something new today!” Phil calls to where the twins are already on their way down the corridor.

Dan rolls his eyes at the twins’ never-ending excitement for a new day. “I swear,” he mutters. He turns to smile at Phil, kissing his cheek fleetingly. “Bye, love.”

Levi waits until Dan’s out the door before he starts walking, falling into step beside him. He’s quiet, but Dan can feel the anxiety rolling off him in waves.

“Excited about the first day?” Dan asks, his tone joking.

Levi’s gaze darts up to meet Dan’s. He glances back at the floor and shrugs. “Not exactly.”

Dan nods in understanding. “I don’t blame you. Secondary school is shit.” He winces when he realizes what he’s said. “Don’t tell Phil I said that.”

That makes Levi smile, just a little. “Sure.”

“Amelia, quit tugging on the door, it’s not gonna unlock any faster with you ripping the handle off.” She obediently releases it, staring at him with big brown eyes as she waits for him to press the button on his key fob. He clicks it, gesturing to the door. “Alright, go ahead.”

The twins scramble into the backseat while Levi awkwardly hovers near the passenger door. Dan understands his discomfort. “You can sit up front,” he says with a smile.

Levi looks almost relieved as he tugs open the door, settling into the seat with his backpack at his feet. “Usually have to sit in the back everywhere I go. They act like I’m gonna pull a knife or something,” he sighs. He sounds so defeated, so miserable, and it just tugs painfully on Dan’s heart.

In an effort to lighten the mood, Dan shrugs. “I figure if you were going to stab me you’d have already done it at this point so I’m not too worried about that.” He grins when Levi snorts out a laugh.

“True enough, I guess.” He turns his gaze to the window, falling silent as he watches the scenery passing by his window. There’s not much to see on such a dreary London day, but Dan leaves him to it, humming to himself and occasionally trading conversation with the twins.

“This is where the twins go to school,” Dan informs Levi as they pull into the parking lot. Dan unbuckles his seatbelt and reaches for the door handle, glancing over at the teenager. “I usually walk them to the door, but you can stay here if you want.”

Levi seems to consider it but ultimately nods. “I’ll just wait here,” he says quietly. He turns around to see the kids, smiling broadly at them. “I’ll see you guys later, yeah? Have a good day at school.”

“Bye, Levi!” Amelia calls, already hopping out of the car.

Jaiden has the decency to meet Levi’s eyes at least, grinning back at him before departing. “Bye!”

“Love you guys!” Levi calls after them, an almost hurt look in his eyes.

The twins echo the sentiment as they allow Dan to help them put their backpacks on, chattering excitedly. He half-listens, feeling a little more than awkward knowing Levi is watching and probably annoyed that his siblings aren’t still wrapped up in him as they were the day before.

Dan takes ahold of each of their hands and walks them to the door quickly. Before he releases them, he crouches down, smiling warmly as they both throw their arms around him in a hug. “Bye, loves. Have a good day today and behave. I love you.”

Amelia squeezes a little more at that. “Love you too, Daddy,” she replies before pulling out of his grip. “Can I go now? Darcy’s waiting for me over there,” She points to the building, where Darcy is in fact waiting with Esme, who’s giving Dan a flirtatious smile.

“Go ahead, sweetheart,” Dan nods, waving half-heartedly at Esme. He turns to Jaiden. “Alright, bug?”

Jaiden nods before gesturing to the car. “Levi is coming home with us after school, right?”

Dan laughs, but nods. “Yes, sir, he sure is. Now, go ahead, before you’re late.”

The little boy smiles, looking so much like his older brother that it nearly knocks Dan down. “Love you!” he calls as he races off towards the door.

“Love you too, bub. Have a good day!” Dan calls back. He waits until he’s reached Esme and they’ve turned in the direction of the classrooms before he turns himself around and heads back to the car.

Levi is waiting, staring out the window with a vaguely surprised look on his face. Dan fastens his seatbelt again, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot carefully before sending a worried glance Levi’s way. “Everything alright, bud?” He asks gently, the term of endearment slipping out without permission. He wishes he could put it back in his mouth.

The boy nods slowly. “You really care for them, huh?” He says, surprising Dan.

Dan glances over at him, a bit unsure how to respond. He decides honesty is enough. “I do, yeah. Phil and I both do, so much.” It’s hard to deny the unwavering fondness in his voice, and he hopes that he doesn’t come across as sounding quite so pathetic.

“I… I’m glad that they got you guys. Instead of someone else.” Levi’s voice is quiet and bordering on embarrassed, and Dan’s heart clenches at the sound of it.

“Well… I think we were the lucky ones, there.” Dan clears his throat as he pulls into his designated parking spot. “Anyway, here we are.”

Levi stares up at the building. “It’s…” He glances over at Dan. “Bit posh, innit?”

Dan laughs aloud and obnoxiously. “A bit, yeah.” He smiles. “It took me a bit of getting used to as well when I first started.” He opens his door and climbs out, reaching into the back seat for his bag he’d thrown there carelessly earlier.

The teen shakes his head before slowly following after Dan, gathering up his backpack and moving to stand in front of the car. “It looks expensive,” Levi observes, frowning.

A snort leaves Dan without his permission, but Levi is barely even looking at him, so entranced in taking in the school he’d be going to from now on. “Oh, it is,” Dan jokes. It’s not really a joke at all, because the school is expensive, in general.

Levi gives him an incredulous look. “What does Phil do again?”

Dan smirks, locking the car with the key fob as he comes to a stop in front of Levi. “BBC producer.”

“Right,” Levi says, sounding faint. “That explains it.”

Heading towards the door and confident that Levi is following after him, Dan shrugs. “Not really. You all have free tuition,” he says, holding the door to the school open and gesturing for Levi to enter. He does, but with a sharp, surprised look thrown Dan’s way. “Staff privileges, and all that,” Dan says with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Right,” Levi echoes his earlier words.

Dan leads the way down the halls, headed for his office. “I did give you your schedule yesterday, right?”

“Yeah,” Levi replies, a bit belatedly. It was still early enough that not a lot of people were here yet, but there were plenty of students milling about, and those students were quickly realizing that this was a new kid. Dan tried his hardest not to make eye contact with these kids; he didn’t know if it was better or worse to be known as the kid of a faculty member, and that wouldn’t be a decision he made for Levi.

Nodding to himself, Dan rattles his keys a bit as they get to the door to his office, finally finding the stupid thing and letting them inside. “I told Louise I could give you the tour like I usually do with the other students, but if that would embarrass you she’s agreed to take over instead.”

Something about this must rub Levi the wrong way, and he sends Dan a sharp look, his gaze hardened. “Why would I be embarrassed?” He says bitingly.

Dan shrugs, ignoring the attitude. “I don’t know. Is it still lame to be known as a teacher’s kid or something?”

“I’m not your kid,” Levi snaps. He almost looks ashamed as soon as he’s said it, but rather than apologize, he snaps his mouth shut, staring down at the ground.

A rough kind of emotion, one that burns at his throat in the worst kind of way, courses through Dan’s veins. He clears his throat once, twice, before speaking. “Right. I know that. I just mean…” He sighs. “Assuming students do realize that you live with me, I don’t know how embarrassing that would be for you, considering I work here. If you’d rather they didn’t see you around me, for whatever reason, I’ll have Louise do the tour.” He’s all business now, trying to erase any hint of emotion.

Levi nods slowly. His shoulders slowly deflate, and the fight seems to go out of him. “Okay,” he mumbles.

“So, do you want Louise to do it?”

Levi flinches a little, an almost guilty look on his face as he nods. “Yeah.”

Dan tries to ignore the hurt he feels at that as he nods. “Alright, I’ll walk you to her office.”

“Is she the headmistress?” Levi asks, making Dan realize he hadn’t even explained that bit yet.

“Sorry, yeah, I meant to say that. She is. And one of my closest friends, really. Her daughter Darcy is Amelia’s best friend.”

Levi doesn’t respond as they’ve reached a door and Dan is rapping on it impatiently. “Lou?” He calls.

“Mhm? Come in.” At the invitation Dan cracks the door open, unsurprised to find Louise sat at her desk, tapping on her computer. “Oh, hello, love. Ah, this must be Levi!” She stands from the desk and smiles broadly at him. “My god, Jaiden really does favor you,” she says, sounding surprised as she shares a look with Dan.

Dan only rolls his eyes. “Obviously, he does. They happen to be related, you know.”

Louise hushes him. “Shut it, Howell,” she says playfully. “Right, well, I’m Ms. Pentland, then. Are we ready for a tour, dear?” Dan loves that without even asking, she knows, somehow, that Levi would be more comfortable with that. Or perhaps she’d just deduced that it’s the only possible reason Dan could have to bring him into her office this early. Either way, he loves her to bits for it.

“Er, yeah. Yes, ma’am,” Levi stammers out.

“What a polite boy you are! Well, c’mon then, we’d better hurry before classes start. I’d hate to walk you into a class that’s already started.” She begins to lead the way out of the office, but Levi sends a panicked look Dan’s way. Something about the fact that Dan’s the only familiar person here is likely the only reason he turns to him, but Dan still offers him an encouraging smile.

“Go ahead. Louise is great, I promise. I’ll just be in my office if you need me at all today, yeah?” He tries to sound less panicked and more reassuring, but truthfully he’s just as nervous for Levi’s first day here.

“Okay,” Levi nods. He takes a step out of the office before pausing. “Erm, after school do I just…”

Dan smiles. “You can come by my office or if I’m not there you can just come straight to the car. I’ll wait on you, promise.”

Levi nods, reassured. “Alright. Bye, Dan.”

“Bye,” Dan calls after him, waiting until they’d gone to head in the opposite direction to his own office. He hopes, more than anything, that Levi has an easy day today. He prays it’s not a wasted hope.

~~~

Dan spends nearly the entire day worrying himself to death about how Levi’s first day is going to go. He spends the morning getting almost no work done, just stressing about how Levi is doing, and by lunch time he feels nearly manic. He opens the lunch that Phil had packed for him, looking forward to a cute little post-it note. It’s silly how quickly he’d grown attached to the little doodles, honestly.

Today he’s faced with a surprise when he doesn’t see a cute drawing, but rather a short paragraph. Confused, he squints down at it as he reads.

Dan- I know you’re nervous about Levi’s first day of school and you’re probably on the verge of freaking out but you should know you’re doing your very best and we all appreciate you so much. Especially me. <3 Ps I know you’re just in this for the bad doodles you can mock me for, so flip this over

Dan’s eyes are misting as he flips it over, laughing aloud when he sees today’s drawing. It’s a poorly drawn fish, but clearly Phil spent some time on it, as it’s actually colored in. Above it, in a speech bubble, is the words, “Just keep swimming!!” The smile on Dan’s face is almost painful, and he can feel himself fully crying now.

Pulling out his phone, he takes a quick picture of the note, just the doodle, the note on the other side felt far too personal. He sends it to Louise with a smiling face emoji before tapping over to his conversation with Phil.

Dan: glub glub

He sets his phone down on his desk and actually begins eating as he waits for a response, clicking on his desktop over to the Spotify tab so he can listen to some music while he eats. He’s just started up one of his favorite playlists when he hears his phone beep. Smiling already, he picks it up, grinning down at the reply there.

Phil: glub glub glub!!

Phil: Did you like it?

Dan: I always do

Phil: :’)

Dan: <3 <3

Dan: I liked the note on the other side, too

Phil: :)

Phil: Good, I meant it.

Dan: sap

Phil: You have no proof of that

Dan: oh but don’t I

Phil: Whatever Howell you love me

Dan’s heart races at those words. He feels ridiculous for even pretending he doesn’t know why. Still, he can’t formulate a serious response to those words.

Dan: eh

It takes a little longer this time, but Phil sends back a fish emoji and two heart emojis, a black one and a blue one. Dan pretends he doesn’t see the symbolism there as he sends back his own fish emoji, and after hesitating, he taps on a pink heart. Phil would appreciate the sappiness, he was sure.

~~~

“Come in,” Dan calls when he hears a knock on his door. It’s the end of the day, and he’s gathering up his things, humming to himself. He glances up when the door opens, smiling easily when he sees Levi stood there. “Hey, Levi. Sorry, I’m almost finished in here.”

Levi nods, shoving his hands in his pockets and taking a step into the room. He looks a little awkward, and his eyes flit around quickly, almost like he’s contemplating saying something. Dan doesn’t press, deciding to let Levi speak if he wants to. He finishes gathering his things, stuffing his laptop and some files into his bag before grabbing his coat and shrugging it on. “Ready?”

The teen shrugs, then nods. Dan gestures for him to go ahead, turning to lock the door behind them. He’s just turned around and started down the hall when Levi speaks. “I found a note in my lunchbox,” he says carefully. He doesn’t sound particularly annoyed or bothered, just confused, if anything.

“Oh?” Dan says, wondering if Levi will elaborate.

He does, pulling it out of his pocket and handing it over. Dan glances over it, smiling as he reads it to himself. Phil had drawn a koala, and underneath it is the caption “I hope today koala-fies as a good day!”

Dan snorts and hands it back. “That’d be Phil’s primary school sense of humor, I’m afraid.”

Levi still looks confused. “Does he… Is this like a thing he always does?”

They’ve reached the car, so Dan unlocks it and tosses his bag in the backseat. He nods as they climb into the car. “Yeah. Well, I mean,” he gestures around them vaguely. “He started doing it on the twins’ first day of school and they liked it so now he just does it for all of us.”

Levi snorts at that. “He does one for you too?” He sounds disbelieving.

Dan smiles, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. Without much preamble he pulls out the first of the sticky notes he’d received, the one with the rat on it. He hands it over to Levi as he reaches for his seatbelt with his other hand.

It’s quiet for a moment as Levi reads over it, a startled laugh leaving him. “That’s…” He trails off, handing the paper back. Dan tucks it neatly back into his wallet. “I mean, if I’m being honest, that’s just disgusting.”

Dan tenses up, glancing over at Levi with a guarded expression. “Yeah?’

Levi seems to realize how that sounded, and he looks panicked as he stutters out an apology. “Sorry, that’s not- I didn’t- I just meant like- it’s sappy. That he leaves you like love notes or whatever.”

It’s funny, the paradox of how that makes Dan both bristle and warm at the same time. “They’re not exactly love notes,” he mumbles, pulling out of the parking lot.

There’s a laugh, and when he glances at Levi, he’s grinning. “Right. Sure. Not a love note.”

“He leaves them for the twins, too,” Dan says, his voice defensive.

Levi shrugs. “He’s trying to be some perfect parent or whatever.”

This really does make Dan bristle, and he side-eyes the boy next to him, unsure how to proceed with defending Phil. Eventually, he settles on, “Phil’s just trying his best to make them feel loved. I know that seems weird, since we’re not your, like, real parents, or whatever, but I know his heart is in the right place.”

It’s quiet for a few moments, and Dan thinks Levi’s not going to say anything more on the subject, but eventually he lets out a slow breath. “I know. Sorry. I’m glad you guys are like, trying. It’s just…”

Dan feels such a deep sympathy for this child, it settles heavy in his chest, almost making it hard for him to breathe. “It’s weird, I know. I’m sorry.”

Levi glances at him, surprised, before he glances back out the window, shrugging. “Not your fault.”

They don’t talk after that, and Dan parks the car out in front of the primary school, offering again for Levi to go with him if he wants. He declines the offer. Dan tries not to let that bother him as he gets out of the car, making his way up to the building where kids are milling about, waiting for their parents. Jaiden spots him first, jumping up and running straight to him, his arms held out.

Dan laughs, scooping him up and kissing his head fondly. “Hey, bubby. How was your day?”

“Fine,” Jaiden says quickly. “Where’s Levi?”

That makes Dan smile. “Waiting in the car for us. Where’s your sister?”

Jaiden gestures vaguely behind him. “She’s- somewhere,” He says, distracted.

“Very insightful, thank you,” Dan says seriously, trying to hide his smirk. He glances around for her, spotting her pigtails running around with two other little girls. “Mia!” He calls. “Time to go, lovey!”

Her head snaps up as she looks for the source of the voice. When she sees him she grins widely, waving at him. She bids goodbye to her friends before skipping over. “Hi, Daddy,” she greets, sliding her hand into the one he’s not currently using to hoist Jaiden up.

“Hello there, sweetheart. Ready to go?” He smiles down at her.

She nods and they start towards the car. As they go, Jaiden is talking excitedly into his ear, but Amelia tugs on his hand to get his attention. “Did Levi have a good day?” She asks, looking nervous.

Dan smiles at this precious girl. “I don’t know. We’ll have to ask him about his day, won’t we?”

Amelia nods, looking thoughtful. “Dad will probably ask, he always asks.”

It takes a moment for Dan to realize that “Dad” is her endearment for Phil at the moment. He smiles. “I’m sure you’re right, hon. I’m sure you are.”

They talk Levi’s ear off in the car ride home, and since today was a day that Phil got off early, he was there to greet them when they got there. Amelia all but jumps in his arms as soon as she and Jaiden have tugged their shoes off, and Dan rolls his eyes.

“Hey, love-bug! How was school?” Phil asks, shifting her to get a better grip on her. Jaiden is hovering next to him, looking up at him with wide eyes. Phil smiles down at him, petting his hair affectionately.

“It was fun! We learned about planets!” Amelia rattles off.

At this announcement, Phil feigns an exaggerated gasp. “That’s my favorite subject! You’ll have to tell me all about it at dinner!”

Amelia giggles and nods. “I will.”

Phil smiles at her and turns to look at Dan. His smile drops into something softer, fonder, as he looks at him. “Hey,” he says quietly, watching as Dan tugs his shoes off and drops his bag beside the shoe rack. “How was work, love?”

Dan shrugs, stepping closer. “It was work,” he says, tired just thinking about it.

“Ah,” Phil says knowingly. He shifts Mia again, further back on his hip, so he can lean in and place a kiss on Dan’s cheek. “I’ll make dinner tonight, if you want.”

“That’d be great, honestly,” Dan sighs, nearly moaning at the idea of not having to stand up and cook.

Phil laughs, but before he can respond, they’re interrupted by Jaiden clearing his throat. They look down at him and Phil quirks an eyebrow. “Yes?”

Jaiden crinkles his nose. “Are you two gonna kiss? I don’t wanna be in here if you’re gonna be smooching.”

On another day this might embarrass Dan, but today isn’t that day. Instead he just cackles, heart warm at the frankly ridiculous look on Phil’s face. “Yeah? Don’t worry, Jai-bird, we won’t traumatize you like that.”

Jaiden looks relieved. “Thanks. Can I go play on the Switch?”

Dan laughs again, but nods. “Go for it.”

Amelia squirms out of Phil’s grip, chasing after her brother. “Make sure you share, guys!” Phil calls after them.

They mutter some affirmatives before they disappear. Dan sighs. He’s almost forgotten that they aren’t alone with how quietly Levi has been hovering near the door for the past couple of minutes, but when he remembers he glances over at him, smiling. “You can go play with them, if you want, or do whatever. We’ll let you know when it’s time for dinner.”

Levi nods. “Okay.” He glances down as he starts to walk past them, but Phil calling his name has him turning around, looking briefly panicked. “Yeah?”

“How was school?” Phil asks. Dan almost laughs but bites his tongue. He knew Phil would ask the very first chance he got.

Levi looks surprised. “Er- it was alright. Good, I guess, actually.” He sounds confused by his own words.

Phil smiles widely. “Great! I was hoping you’d like the school. I know it’s ridiculously posh, but it’s a nice school.”

“Yeah,” Levi agrees passively, shifting on his feet and gripping his backpack strap tightly. “I guess so.”

“Did you have all the school supplies you need?” Phil asks.

Levi nods. “Yeah. They said I’d have to print my essays and stuff, though.” He glances down as he says this, clearly uncomfortable with even mentioning that he might need something.

“That’s fine, we have a printer in the office, you’re welcome to use it whenever you want.”

“Okay. Thanks.” Levi hesitates, gesturing to the stairs. “Can I…”

Phil looks embarrassed. “Yeah! Go ahead, we’ll let you know when it’s time for dinner.”

Levi nods before disappearing up the stairs, leaving Dan and Phil alone in the hall. “Well?” Phil says, turning to look at Dan.

“Well what?” Dan says, smiling.

Phil mirrors the expression. “How’d I do on the whole parenting thing?”

Dan rolls his eyes before heading to the kitchen, rolling his sleeves up as he goes. “Do you want me to sit here and stroke your ego?” he asks sardonically.

“I mean, if you want to stroke something-“ Phil giggles.

This time, Dan does blush. “Shut up,” he mumbles. “The filth that you come up with sometimes, I swear.”

“C’mon, Dan, it was funny. Tell me I’m funny,” Phil pesters him, poking at his sides and making Dan yelp.

“No!” Dan laughs, squirming away when Phil tries to corner him, his hands raised like talons. “Go away, menace.”

Phil grins, grabbing Dan’s t-shirt and tugging him back. “Nope. I’m cooking dinner, remember?”

“Fine, so I’ll go away,” Dan concedes, pulling out of his grip.

Phil whines at this. “Danny,” he protests. “I’ll get bored without you. Keep me company?” He puts his bottom lip out in a pout.

Dan stares at his lips for a little too long, flushing and clearing his throat when he realizes what he’s just done. “What do I get out of it?”

There’s a smirk on Phil’s lips when he leans in, nearly giving Dan a heart attack. He’s so sure he’s about to be kissed, but instead Phil’s lips brush against his jaw. “All my love and affection, Daniel.”

This time Dan has the wherewithal to shove him away, laughing. “Ew. Keep it in your pants, Lester.”

A spot of color blossoms on Phil’s cheek, but he turns around before Dan can tease him for it. “Nevermind, go away, you’re horrible company.”

Dan laughs good-naturedly. In the end, of course, he stays.

~~~

The next couple of days pass in a sort of blur and before they know it, the school week is over and it’s Friday night. Dan was tucked into Phil’s arms on the sofa, feeling perfectly cozy as the kids sat around watching their film of choice for the evening. They were having a lazy sort of night and Dan was more than happy to just fall asleep right then and there. Phil had other ideas apparently, as he kept commenting softly about the plot of the film, quiet enough that only Dan could hear him.

“It just seems unrealistic, in my opinion. I don’t really think that this would actually work in the real world,” Phil is saying.

Dan lifts his head from Phil’s shoulder to stare at him. “It’s a children’s film, bub, of course it’s not going to happen in the real world,” he sasses.

Phil rolls his eyes at his tone. “Well yeah, but they should keep a little bit of realism! It’s a whole thing! People really do navigate and everything and I think Moana is making it look too easy.”

The smile that creeps onto Dan’s face is just impossible to stop. “Right. You’re absolutely right.” Phil grins triumphantly. “And you’re also distracting me from this extremely good film, so shut up.”

Phil grumbles when Dan turns away, situating himself so he can press his back against Phil’s chest. Even with his huff, Phil doesn’t complain. “Here, move a bit,” he pushes gently against Dan’s back, forcing Dan to sit up reluctantly. Glancing behind himself, Dan watches as Phil pulls his legs onto the sofa, stretching one out on either side of Dan’s body. “Okay, c’mere.”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “You want me to sit there?” He asks, gesturing to the space between Phil’s legs. He can already feel his cheeks heating up at the idea, but suddenly he’s desperate for it, for this closeness to the one person he loves most in the world.

“Yeah, come here it’ll be comfy,” Phil presses, holding his arms out wide.

His heart racing, Dan shrugs and moves closer, settling in between Phil’s legs just as he’d asked. It is comfy, and immediately Phil’s arms come up to wrap around his chest, trapping Dan’s arms at the biceps. “Phil,” Dan whines softly. “I can’t move.”

“Well why are you trying to? We’re having premium cuddles here,” Phil replies, sounding offended.

Dan thinks about it for a moment and promptly decides that even though they’re a little closer than normal, he doesn’t actually mind it, and in fact is finding it to be quite pleasant. He tilts his head back to rest on Phil’s shoulder, his eyes moving over the room to take stock of each of the kids. Amelia is laying on a blanket in the floor, her chin propped in her hands as she stares up at the screen. Jaiden is laying on the other sofa, but from here Dan can’t actually tell if he’s asleep or not. Levi, playing on his phone, is sitting on the armchair, and when Dan glances over at him, his gaze flickers up to meet Dan’s. He immediately looks embarrassed and drops his gaze, and Dan shifts uncomfortably. He’s about to say something to him when he feels Phil squeeze his side gently.

“Dan,” Phil says suddenly.

“Hm?” He asks, turning his head to look at him.

“Stop moving,” he mumbles, and maybe it’s the glow of the television, but Dan thinks he looks embarrassed.

It takes Dan a moment, but as soon as he realizes that in their position his shifting is causing Phil a bit of a... problem, he giggles. “Sorry,” he whispers when Phil shoots a glare at him.

“Shut up,” Phil whines.

“Shh, sorry, sorry, I’ll stop,” Dan apologizes with a grin. On a whim, he tilts his head, leaning up and pressing a kiss to Phil’s jaw.

It’s new, he notes. He normally doesn’t do that when they steal those moments of connection, he normally keeps his kisses to Phil’s cheek, or his forehead, or even his hair. But kissing his jaw feels different and the intimacy is different, and he’s not quite sure if that’s a good thing or not.

Phil’s eyes are darker in the room, with the television the only source of light, but Dan can tell that he feels the difference too. Unable to handle his steady gaze, Dan turns back to the movie. His eyes dart over the children once more, and again he catches Levi staring at him. This time, he decides to call him out.

“How’s the new phone working, Levi?”

Levi flinches, just barely, and Dan frowns deeply. “It’s, uh, it’s fine.”

“Yeah? Great.” Dan hesitates a bit before speaking again. “Did you get everything downloaded that you wanted to?”

“Um... yeah, I guess so.” Levi fiddles with the phone, clearly uncomfortable.

“Games? Music?” Dan presses. He knew it was a little obnoxious of him, but he remembers being a teenager. He remembered feeling awkward asking his parents for a phone, and then feeling even more awkward when he tried to download music onto it only to find that everything came with a price.

“Uh, haven’t figured out the music thing yet,” Levi says eventually, his hand coming up to scratch at the back of his neck.

“You can make an Apple Music account, Levi,” Phil says from over Dan’s shoulder. The sound of his voice surprises him and he jumps a little. Phil rests a settling hand on Dan’s stomach at that, gently rubbing circles, almost as if he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. “We’ll pay for it but go ahead and set one up.”

“Oh, um, that’s okay, I-“ he begins.

“Levi, it’s fine. Phil’s a producer at the BBC, he’s got all sorts of money,” Dan grins as he says this, and yelps when he feels Phil tug gently on a curl in reprimand.

“It’s coming out of the shared bank account, so I reckon you’ve got all sorts of money too, love.” Phil interjects, sounding quite pleased with himself.

Dan still wasn’t completely used to the idea that they shared a bank account now, just as much as they shared a life. It was something he was adjusting to, but as of right now the reminder still made him feel strange. “Yeah, well,” he mumbles. “Your mum.”

Phil presses a kiss to a spot just below his ear then, causing Dan to shiver. “Your mum,” he mocks.

“Hey,” Dan lets out a quiet protest. “You have to be nice to me, I’m the baby.”

“You’re not a baby, even if you act like it,” Phil rolls his eyes.

“I am,” Dan replies, nodding seriously as he turns to look at Phil. “I’m the youngest of the two of us, so you have to be nice to me.”

“I don’t like that rule,” Phil says, his eyes glittering in the light from the screen.

Dan shrugs and eventually tears his own eyes away, settling back against Phil’s chest. “Tough shit,” he mumbles, hoping the children don’t overhear.

He’s not expecting it, so when Phil bites his earlobe gently in reprimand, Dan yelps loudly. The kids all turn to look at him questioningly, and he shrugs sheepishly. “Sorry. Thought I saw a... spider.”

The twins go right back to the movie, more than used to Dan’s odd behavior as of now, but Levi gives him a lingering look.

Phil laughs softly. “That was cute,” he whispers into Dan’s ear.

Dan unsubtly digs his elbow into the fleshy bit of Phil’s hip, causing the older man to hiss in pain. “Was not,” he mumbles back.

Phil doesn’t reply, but Dan feels lips pressing to his neck only a second later. He can’t stop the gasp that falls from his lips. This apparently only urges Phil on, as he takes it a step further, kissing down his throat slowly. Dan’s hand comes up to grip Phil’s forearm, his mind and body in a war of whether or not he should stop him. “Phil,” he whispers hoarsely. They don’t do this. This isn’t something they allow themselves. Best friends is one thing, and putting on a show for the purpose of their fake relationship was one thing as well, but doing this in the privacy of their home, when the only people who could see is their kids- well it’s something they don’t do.

“Is this okay?” Phil whispers.

Dan swallows hard, his heart pounding erratically. “We shouldn’t- I don’t-fuck.”

“Shh, little ears,” Phil reminds him subtly.

Again, Dan’s gaze darts around the room, but luckily none of the kids are looking at them. None of them see the way Phil leans in again, pressing another soft kiss to Dan’s neck. “Phil, stop,” Dan breathes, unable to handle himself.

“Oh, um... sorry. I just- I thought- nevermind.” Phil stumbles over his words, and Dan feels his throat itch with the desire to appease him, but he swallows it down. “I’m sorry,” he repeats.

Dan slowly strokes his thumb across Phil’s forearm, feeling almost guilty for telling him to stop. But he was confused, his heart was racing, and he was struggling to find a way to think about this in platonic terms. “It’s okay. It... it felt nice.”

“Yeah?” Phil asks timidly. “So why...?” He trails off, but it’s clearly an open-ended question, easy for Dan to fill in the blanks.

Tilting his head to make absolutely sure the kids can’t hear his voice over the sound of the television, he whispers, “I- we don’t do that. And... no one is watching right now, so maybe we... shouldn’t.”

“Oh.” Phil sounds hurt. “Okay then.” His voice is flat, and Dan cringes at the sound of it.

“Phil-“

“I get it,” he says, a little louder than they’d been speaking.

“I’m sorry, I just-“

“Drop it, please?” Phil’s voice is wavering now, and when Dan turns to look at him, his eyes are pleading.

“Okay...” Dan says slowly. He turns back to the film, trying to ignore the weight of his heart and the loosening of Phil’s grip.

~~~

That night, once the kids have all gone to bed, Dan crawls into bed beside Phil with a yawn. “I’m exhausted,” he announces, sighing when his head comes into contact with the pillow.

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispers.

Dan lifts his head to squint at his best friend. “Huh?”

“For earlier. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t- I really don’t know why I did it, I just-“

“Are you talking about the neck thing?” Dan asks slowly, trying to decide how to handle this. Phil is staring straight up at the ceiling, unwilling to meet Dan’s gaze, which means he’s either embarrassed or just worried that Dan’s mad at him.

“Yes. I’m so sorry, Dan. There’s... we have boundaries, and I just-“

“Phil,” Dan interrupts him.

“I don’t know what I was thinking! I-“

“Phil,” Dan repeats, patiently.

“I- what?” Phil tilts his head on the pillow to give Dan a perturbed look.

Dan smiles. “It’s fine. Okay? Everything is alright. I didn’t mind. I just- it caught me off guard, that’s all.”

“You didn’t mind,” Phil says slowly, disbelief coloring his tone.

Shrugging, Dan tries not to let his embarrassment show at that admission. “I mean, not really. It felt nice, so...”

“Right,” Phil says, clearing his throat and staring back at the ceiling, a contemplative look on his face.

Dan wants to say something, wants to suggest something a little stupid as far as his already strained heart is concerned, but it won’t leave his mouth. It sits there, clawing at his throat and just begging to be released into the air between them. “I-“ he starts, stuttering to a stop as he tries futilely to get his thoughts together.

“Hm?” Phil hums beside him, turning his head to study Dan.

Swallowing, Dan stares resolutely up at the ceiling as he speaks. “If you want to do, you know... things like that... you can. I don’t... I really don’t mind it.”

“What?” Phil asks, his tone hard to decipher from how quiet his voice has fallen.

“Like... the neck kissing thing. If that’s something that you think might make the whole fake fiancé thing more believable, or if you just, I dunno, if you’re, um, well, if for some reason you feel the need to-“

“Stop, please,” Phil suddenly interrupts, his voice hard.

“Oh, sorry- what?”

“Stop. I don’t- I’m not like, frustrated, or something. I don’t need you to... just like, say that I can do that sort of thing just to make myself feel better.” His voice is bitter, and Dan’s stomach sinks with nerves as he realizes that he’s said the wrong thing this time.

“Oh... I... Okay.”

Phil is silent for a long time and when he finally speaks, his voice has taken on a softer tone. “I shouldn’t have done it, Dan. I’m sorry. But you’re right, we aren’t...” he clears his throat then. “We aren’t actually together, and it was inappropriate for me to touch you like that without asking first.”

Dan hates himself for the way his eyes well up with tears as he listens to Phil speak. He hates that he wishes he could correct Phil, wishes there was a false statement to correct. But there’s not, and Phil’s right- they aren’t actually together, and to act like they are in private is a dangerous game.

“Okay,” Dan whispers, his voice wet.

Phil sighs exasperatedly, so Dan isn’t expecting it when he rolls over, throwing an arm around his waist and burying his nose into Dan’s shoulder. “I...” he trails off, closing his eyes tightly. “I’m sorry, bear.”

Dan swallows hard. “Don’t be.” He closes his eyes against the wetness there, trying to blink it away. “We’re okay, yeah?”

There’s a long moment of silence, and Dan’s gut swirls with anxiety the longer it’s uninterrupted. “Yeah,” Phil finally whispers. “We’re okay.”

~~~

By the next morning, the events of the previous night are well behind them. Perhaps that’s actually just due to the lack of desire to talk it out and figure out exactly what happened there, but Dan will take the silence on the subject as a good thing. He expects they’ll have a nice lie-in, since he wakes up with Phil still curled around him. Dan’s shameless in the way he snuggles back into him, ready to take advantage of this extra snuggle time.

The twins have other ideas, however, waking them up about half an hour later begging for breakfast. They start their day after that, albeit reluctantly on Dan’s part. After a late breakfast and some lounging around watching TV, it’s almost time for Levi to go to his group therapy.

Dan leaves the twins at home with Phil to drive Levi to the address Sophie had given him. In the car, he can tell Levi is unsettled but obviously unwilling to acknowledge his own fear of attending the session. The car ride over is mostly silent, Levi avoiding all of Dan’s attempts at conversation until they’ve pulled up outside the building.

“Here we are,” Dan announces, forcing a cheery smile as he looks over at the teenager. Levi stares over at the building, his hand curling around the door handle, knuckles white. “You alright?” Dan questions gently, trying not to press him.

Levi glances over. He frowns. “Do I have to go?”

It’s not really what Dan expected him to stay, but he tries to handle his answer in a parenting way. “You do, unfortunately,” He grimaces as he says it. “You might get us both in trouble if you don’t go.”

“Right,” Levi says. He clears his throat then, glancing between the building and Dan. “Are you…”

“Do you want me to come inside with you?” Dan asks him, keeping his tone neutral so that Levi doesn’t feel swayed either way.

After a moment, Levi shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. But… You’ll be here to pick me up after, right?”

Dan frowns. He hates that Levi even feels the need to ask that. “Yes, of course, Levi. It’s over at two, right?”

Levi nods. “Yeah.”

“Alright. I’ll be waiting right here, yeah?”

“Okay. Erm… See you, then.”

“Bye, Levi. Text me if you need anything.” Dan waits until Levi’s walked all the way up to the door before he starts to leave, glancing back just to make sure he’s really gone inside and then pulling out of the parking lot.

He’s got some time to kill, an hour, actually, so he decides to use that time to pick up a few necessities. He texts Phil to ask if they need anything other than milk and new lightbulbs, and Phil asks him to pick up some more pigeon food, per Jaiden’s request. Dan smiles and rolls his eyes at the text but replies with an affirmative before heading to the shops.

As he’s walking the aisles, his phone begins ringing in his pocket. He sends an apologetic glance to the older lady who startles at the sound, quickly moving to dig it out before it can disturb anyone else. He’s expecting Phil’s name, so when he sees “Mum” instead, he’s a little confused.

“Hi?” he answers, a little confused.

“That’s one way to greet your only mother,” she muses, clearly teasing.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Hello, mum. How are you? How’s Colin?”

“You do realize you ask after the dog more than your own flesh and blood, Daniel.”

It’s not news to him, but he still pretends to be shocked. “I just want to know how the most important family member is doing, Mum. I can’t have a dog of my own yet, so he’s the next best thing.”

“I bet the kids would love a dog.” There’s a hint of challenge in her voice, as if by answering this Dan might be admitting to something wrong.

He takes it. “Oh, they’d be thrilled. Phil’s got Mia infatuated with corgis,” he says smoothly, waiting for her biting response.

They hadn’t spoken much since he told her that they had a placement. He’d phoned her a few times, obviously, but he hadn’t divulged much about the kids other than their names and hints of anecdotes that he’d love to share if she was more receptive to the idea of hearing them. So far, she’d only made the vaguest of comments about his new life, but she’d been obnoxiously cryptic about the reasons that she felt this fake relationship with Phil was a bad idea.

He hated that he was starting to understand her point.

“How are they?” His mum surprises him by asking. “You hardly ever tell me anything about them, you know.”

Dan looks down at the basket in his hand, only containing Phil’s shampoo he remembered him complaining was almost empty the other morning. “Er- well, I didn’t think you really wanted to know anything about them.” He feels silly even saying it, but it’s the truth.

“Dan, honey, of course I want to know about them. They’re the biggest part of your life right now, and obviously I want to know about that.” She laughs then, sounding tired. “I just assumed you didn’t want me knowing anything.”

And that definitely is typical of them, to get their wires crossed like this. “No, mum, of course not. I… Yeah, I want you to know things about them. Um… Actually, we’re fostering their older brother now, too.”

“Oh, blimey. There’s more of them?” She sounds surprised, as if people aren’t allowed to have more than two children. That makes Dan roll his eyes.

“Yes, mum, but as far as we know, it’s just the three of them. Levi was… er, well, he was in a group home. But he lives with us now, too.”

There’s a brief silence, stretching out long enough that Dan pulls the phone away to make sure the call hasn’t disconnected. Then, he hears his mother’s voice, quiet and soft. “You’re doing an incredible thing for those children, Daniel. Really.”

And he’s not sure how to respond to such honesty from her, so it takes him a moment to respond. He glances down, clearing his throat as he tries to gather his thoughts. “Oh. Well, um, thank you, I guess.”

His mum laughs. “You never were one for gracefully accepting a compliment, were you?”

He scoffs, planning to argue, but stops. It’s not really a lie, after all. He sighs. “Okay, yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”

“I know I am. Now are you going to tell me anything about the children or shall I call Phil?” She sounds amused, and he can almost picture her quirking an eyebrow as she waits for his response.

With a laugh, he begins telling her about how sweet the kids are, talking about how much Jaiden reminds him of Phil and how Amelia is their little princess. He’s a little quieter about Levi, telling his mum that he doesn’t know enough about him to say much yet. She seems to understand but hums along and laughs at all the right spots in his stories about the twins, and it’s strange how it feels like she’s really listening to him for once. He’s not used to that feeling, but his heart is undeniably full by the end of their call.

He checks the time and sees it’s almost time to go pick Levi up, so he finishes his shopping and checks out, depositing the bags into the backseat before heading back to the group meeting. It’s taking place in a community center not far from their flat, which is a relief to Dan, who was really not looking forward to the long drive back to the foster home every Saturday. Luckily, they outsource the group therapy sessions after the children had been moved out of group homes, and it just so happened that they lived pretty close to the meeting place.

Dan’s sat in the car waiting for Levi, tapping a rhythm against the steering wheel absently while he watches the door. Eventually, it opens, and a few people begin walking out, all around the same age as Levi. Dan waits, watching the kids closely until he spots Levi’s familiar dark hair. He watches as he walks down the steps talking to a girl about his age, and it takes Dan a moment to realize why she looks familiar.

Levi looks around, nodding to Dan when he sees his car. Dan watches as he turns back to Charlotte, probably bidding her goodbye. Charlotte is smiling kindly at him, and she waves cheerfully before turning to leave. Dan doesn’t miss the way Levi stares after her for a moment, a smile twitching at his lips before he shoves his hands into his pockets and makes his way over to the car.

He climbs in and glances at Dan, tugging at his seatbelt. “What?” Levi mutters.

“Hm?” Dan hums, trying to hide his smile.

“You’ve got like, this weird look on your face,” Levi explains, gesturing at Dan vaguely.

Dan shrugs, turning the steering wheel to get back onto the road. “No reason. How was it?”

“Fine,” Levi mumbles.

“Hm. Make any friends?” He asks, trying to keep the implication out of his voice. He knows he’s failed when he glances at Levi and sees a flush on his cheeks.

“That’s- are you, like, making fun of me?” Levi demands, sounding annoyed.

Dan frowns. “What? No, Levi. Absolutely not.” He shakes his head to punctuate his words. “Of course, I’m not. I was really just asking because, er…” He debates what he should tell him about Charlotte. He figures they’ve probably realized they go to the same school, so he blurts it out. “I know Charlotte, is all, so I was just wondering if you and her hit it off.”

“Oh,” Levi says slowly. “I mean, yeah, I guess. She’s nice.”

“She’s a lovely girl,” Dan agrees. “Smart, too, does really well in her classes.”

“Hm,” Levi says, clearly uninterested in continuing this conversation.

Dan completely understands that, but he can’t help but take the piss, just a little. “So…” Levi sends him a look. Dan bites his lip to keep from laughing. “Did you get her number?”

Levi stares at him. Dan glances at him when he slows down for a stop sign. Levi clears his throat and looks out the window. “I’m not talking about this with you.” Even with the words being a little harsh, Dan can hear the amusement in his voice.

“Right, sorry.” Dan replies, nodding along in a responsible sort of way. After a moment, he peeks over at him again, holding back a laugh as he asks, “So… is that a yes?”

Levi groans dramatically, following it with a quiet laugh. Dan can’t help but join in. “You’re kinda nosy,” Levi observes, not unkindly.

Dan shrugs at this. “Maybe. But you’re avoiding answering the question, and that in itself speaks volumes.” This seems to startle Levi, but before he can make any sort of comment, Dan pulls the car into the parking garage of the apartment. “Home sweet home!”

~~~

After the kids have gone to bed that night, Dan finds himself in his room with Phil, neither of them quite ready for sleep yet. Phil is sat reading a book with his glasses sliding down his nose every so often, and Dan is laid beside him, his cheek resting against Phil’s thigh as he prattles on about his day quietly.

“I just think it’s nice, you know,” He rambles on a yawn.

“Mhm,” is Phil’s reply.

Dan sighs, vaguely annoyed at Phil’s seeming lack of interest. “Are you even listening to me?” he demands, twisting to gaze up at Phil.

Phil rolls his eyes but meets Dan’s gaze. “Yes, bear, I’m listening. You said it’s nice that Levi and Charlotte are friends. You’ve said it about three times now,” he says gently, his lips quirking up in an amused smile.

His face a little warmer now, Dan glances away. “Oh. Sorry.”

There’s a laugh from above Dan and he hears the sound of Phil placing his book on his nightstand, followed by the feeling of a hand carding through his hair. “Time for sleep?” Phil asks, his voice fond.

Dan nods, closing his eyes and nuzzling into Phil’s hand as he scratches lightly across Dan’s scalp. “Yeah,” he sighs. “Sorry I ramble so much about stupid stuff. I’ll learn when to shut up eventually.”

Phil gently tugs on a curl in reprimand. “Don’t say that. I love listening to you talk, and it doesn’t bother me if you ramble. And our kids are not stupid stuff, sir.”

Dan can’t help the grin that stretches across his lips at that last part. “That��s disgustingly sappy. I’m gonna puke.”

“Ew, do it on the floor, not the bed. I’m not cleaning up your sick,” Phil teases.

When Dan cracks an eye open, Phil’s nose is crinkled adorably and Dan laughs. He reaches up and boops him gently on that crooked nose, making Phil go a little cross-eyed as he follows Dan’s finger. “There’s the Phil I know,” he jokes. “I thought maybe you were an imposter, being all sweet.”

Phil smiles down at him, his thumb tracing along Dan’s eyebrows. “I’m always sweet,” he protests mildly.

Dan giggles. “Does that mean I’m sour?”

Rolling his eyes, Phil cups Dan’s cheek with one hand, the other moving from his eyebrows back into his curls. “Probably.”

“You know, if you were milk, I think you’d be sour milk,” Dan observes, his brain so short on sleep that it’s rattling things off as if he’s got no filter. Which, sometimes, he guesses, he really doesn’t.

“You think?” Phil asks, clearly holding back a laugh.

“Yeah.” Dan nods. “I think cause you’re so pale you’re almost green sometimes. You’d be spoiled milk. Or cheese.” He sort of cackles after he’s said it, the imagery striking him as funny now that it’s out there.

“I think you’re sleepy,” Phil says softly, his thumb stroking along Dan’s cheekbones.

Dan smiles, turning his face to nuzzle against the palm of Phil’s hand. “I am. Cuddle?”

Phil smiles right back, leaning away to turn the lamp off, casting the room in darkness. The mattress shifts as he lays down, and Dan patiently waits for him to get comfortable before they sort out their cuddling position. “Big spoon or little, baby?”

“Little,” Dan says after a moment of consideration. He turns over onto his side and presses himself back, searching for Phil’s hand to hold after he’s wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist. “Night, Philly,” he sighs contently.

There’s a kiss pressed to the back of his neck then. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

The room is silent for several moments, and Dan can feel himself drifting off to sleep. Something is mumbled against his skin, but he’s already too far gone, and it drifts away.

#phan #phanfiction #foster parent au #foster parent #bbc producer!phil #school counselor!dan #parent!au #parent!phan #friends to lovers #best friends #bed sharing #fake relationship #fluff #light angst #comfort #hurt #family struggles #group home #neck kissing

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