(This post was originally posted on my blog at https://thegreenwolf.com/its-okay-to-not-hustle/)

There’s this meme going around Facebook right now, saying “If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a new skill, your side hustle started, or more knowledge, you never lacked time. You lacked discipline.” Thankfully multiple people have already skewered it, but it continues to be shared around by the sort of person who is trying to one-up everyone else, or who’s just plain clueless–or, for that matter, just trying to guilt you into buying whatever they’re selling.

Now, there’s not a damned thing wrong with self-promotion. That’s how indie artists, authors, and other self-employed folks get the word out. You have to be able to talk good talk in order to get people’s attention. But leading with this meme? Guilting people for not leaping from sudden unemployment straight into the thick of the ever-shifting gig economy? That ain’t gonna fly, Brocephus.

You Have Good Reasons to Slack

Excuse me while I dust off my counseling psych degree a sec, here. *ahem* We are in a very sensitive, turbulent time right now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a century in the Western world. We are in a hugely traumatizing situation here. Not just for the financial losses, but the fact that COVID-19 has killed thousands of people and left many more with permanent lung damage. We still haven’t gotten a handle yet on exactly how contagious this thing is, how long you’re contagious for, or whether you’re immune once you’ve had it, assuming you survive. We don’t have adequate testing, emergency rooms estimate that for every positive test there are 10-20 people out there infected and untested, and everyone with a cough is suddenly Schroedinger’s COVID case. Governments worldwide are slow to react in spite of the rising death toll. People have had friends and family die horribly from this thing in a short period of time. Even people who didn’t already have issues with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are feeling stressed, strained and scared–and, yes, traumatized. This image is guilt-tripping people who are actively being traumatized.

So we’re already starting with a populace that is dealing with this collective trauma, as well as whatever personal trauma each individual is experiencing. Not always easy to seize the day when you’re going through that. And I can think of a few other reasons that might further complicate this whole “Just get a side gig!” thing:

–They’re a parent who suddenly has all their kids at home, all the time, demanding time and attention and food, AND they still have to work eight hours a day from home, or maybe even more if their S.O. is unemployed/sick/etc. By the way, if someone trots out Isaac Newton or William Shakespeare or some other historical guy who managed to do epic things during a pandemic, remember that they usually had wives or servants to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning and (if applicable) childcare for them.

–They’re disabled or chronically ill, and don’t have the ability/energy/etc. to just go and make something happen, just like that. Imagine if you just randomly got the fatigue from a really bad flu, and you never knew whether it was going to last a day or a month. And if you tried exerting yourself when you were feeling better, chances are you’d slip back into fatigue-land. That’s what a lot of my chronically ill/etc. friends have to deal with, to say nothing of issues with accessibility of resources for starting a side gig.

–They don’t have any money for the supplies needed to start a side hustle, or the supplies have been hoarded by hobbyists preparing for a Pandemic Staycation.

–They don’t have the skills for something that just requires what they already have (like, for example, writing on a laptop you already happen to own). Often these skills are things that can’t be perfected in a few weeks at home, but may take years to develop before they’re really marketable–like, for example, the skill to make a decent living on side hustles.

–They have anxiety, depression or other mental health conditions that make it hard to function even in the best of times, but even moreso in this…well…mess. Even people who were mentally healthy before are going to be developing diagnosable anxiety and depression disorders before all’s said and done. And speaking from personal experience, those of us who look successful on the outside can still be internally hamstrung by these conditions at times.

–Plus there’s the fact that we’re not supposed to, you know, leave our homes, which narrows down the field of potential side gigs by a lot.

Even doing something less financially-wrought like learning a new skill or subject takes time, energy, and sometimes money, any or all of which may be scarce for the reasons above and more.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I am saying all of this as someone who is arguably an expert on the side gig. I have spent the past eight and a half years 100% self-employed (and a lot longer doing it part-time) as an author and artist, able to cover all my bills and expenses, and for a time I was the primary breadwinner of a multi-person household. I have like ten different things I was doing for a living before this all hit, a pretty diverse set of streams of income, even if most of them just up and evaporated in the past few weeks. And while I’m definitely a hell of a lot leaner now than I was a month ago, I still have my head above water for the moment. So I think I know side gigs.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m overall healthy. I have a dog who is a lot less demanding of my time than kids would be. I have my own space where I can focus more or less without interruption. More importantly, I have the skills, the knowhow, the drive and the personality to go out and seek new opportunities. And I’m used to fluctuations in income, though admittedly this one’s unprecedented. Don’t gauge yourself by where I am now. I’ve spent twenty-two years building up my art business, my first book came out in 2006, and I’ve had a series of really good opportunities come my way that I had the privilege to be able to make the most of. I am not your measuring stick, so don’t say “Well, if she can do it why can’t I? I must suck!”

If you’re feeling crappy because you aren’t hopping to it and carpeing the diem and getting everything done, here’s what I have to say to you: Look, you just had your world turned upside-down. Job loss, scarce commodities, sudden lack of outside childcare, restricted movement and inability to be around much of your support system, and did I mention a pandemic is happening, too? Any single one of those things would be difficult for just about anyone to deal with, never mind all at once. And I don’t even know what all else has already been going on in your life–unstable or unsafe living situation, other health issues, breakups and other losses, interpersonal conflicts. You know, normal life stuff.

You’re Not Lazy, or Screwing Up, or (Gods Forbid) Undisciplined

It is totally okay if all you’re doing right now is surviving. It’s okay if you feel like you’re drowning, overwhelmed by all that’s happening both on a global level and more personally. It’s okay if all you can manage right now is to get out of bed and stumble through each day a moment at a time, struggling with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s okay if you’re just trying to keep your kids busy, dealing with a crowded home every single day, or trying to keep COVID-19 at bay. It’s okay if, instead of firing up DuoLingo or opening an Etsy shop, you spend your evenings vegging to Netflix or reading a book or playing hours and hours of Animal Crossing.

Not every moment in your life has to be about being productive even in the best of circumstances, and that goes exponentially so right now. Be patient with yourself, and be kind. You may be one of those folks who literally has to spend all their time scrabbling to try to cover the bills or get some leeway from bill collectors, and you have to dedicate your waking time hunting for resources just to try to get through this week. Believe me, I feel for you, I have a lot of friends in that situation right now, and I hope all of you can find some relief and assistance.

May I suggest something? If you have the energy for something more than the bare essentials of getting by, put that energy toward self-care, whatever you can manage under the circumstances. You can use it to recuperate, to rebuild your emotional and physical resilience. That way if things get rough again in the future, you have more internal reserves to build on. If your usual methods don’t work or aren’t accessible due to lockdown, ask others what they’re doing to keep themselves grounded in this trying time.

Just because you have more time doesn’t mean you don’t have to throw yourself right into something productive! Don’t feel pressured to just go-go-go the moment you have a little freedom to move. If you do decide you want to try a side gig, or a new skill, or learn all about some specialized topic of interest, go for it! If you have the energy and attention and opportunity to pursue something new, it can be a great coping skill during this traumatic time. Just don’t pressure yourself; keep it fun.

One last thing: I want you to save the image I have at the top of this post. And then if you see someone post that meme, saying “Come on, you lazy bums, get up and make that side gig happen! Learn new stuff! Do all the things! No excuses!” you pull out this version, and you look at the edits, you remember that it’s okay to be where you are, and you get back to doing things at your own pace no matter what someone else says. (I find visualizing stapling a printout of the edited version to the offender’s forehead to also be therapeutic, but that may just be me.)

Hang in there, okay? It’s going to be a rough time, but you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling right now is shared by so many people. So just let yourself be where you are in this moment, and we’ll see what hope tomorrow brings. And remember that whatever you’re capable of in this moment: it’s enough.

Did you enjoy this post? Please consider supporting my work on Patreon, buying my books here on my website, buying my art and books on Etsy, or tipping me at Ko-fi!

Heyo! Not to be too nosy here but you mentioned you're in bad health and recovering, and I just wondered what happened? Also how would it impact your career since, from how you've made it all seem thus far, it's a highly active and demanding job?

Hope you take care and get well! You appear quite strong and not like you'd take whatever has happened just lying down, so here's to you!! 🙏💓

No sweat and no worries here, I dont find this particularly invasive. If anything, I'm flattered you care to ask after me lol. 😁

A few weeks back I met a friend I hadn't seen in some time for lunch. This was against my better sense of caution that I've held firmly to throughout the pandemic, but I would feel regretful and dismissive if I didnt agree to see her while I had the chance. I should've listened my gut and stayed safely at work because this "friend" failed to mention she had tested positive (she knew already by the time of our lunch date, she has since admitted) and had figured since she had no symptoms there was no harm in being in public.

FF only a few days later and I was feeling a little unwell but had put it off as an effect of the winter blast that had just hit where I live. I'd spent half a day out in the cold and snow for a photoshoot only the day before and thought it was probably due to that since I'm susceptible to weather influenced head colds and bronchitis. Fortunately, my job mandates a rigid COVID-19 screening twice a week due to our high profile clientele and as an assurance of health and safety for us all. Mine read back with a positive and with the way I had been feeling I was immediately sent home and the company closed its doors while the building was sterilized and our clients notified.

Thankfully I managed not to infect anyone I work with nor my son. Regrettably, I did infect my best friend since we're horrifically incapable of maintaining personal space and have weak shit immune systems. We both agree it is a wonder we made it this far into plague times without it catching us.

So I went and got looked over and sent on my way with my prescription of potent anti-virals and steroids. I was well prepared to abide the quarantine guidelines and had sent my son to my mother's home for the duration so that he was out of the danger zone. It was fine, I was kinda cool and keen on getting a few days to myself to rest up and all that jazz. But it wasn't meant to last and I found trouble in the form of being unable to remain conscious much at all and would pass out constantly. After a few times of this I gave my brother (he's a doctor and vaccinated) a ring and told him that my fatigue was no joke dude and needed him to come give me a better once over than the one I'd gotten before bc I was sure I was not meant to feel this badly. He found me unconscious in the shower that night, my head battered from crashing to the basin.

After ensuring I wasn't concussed and jokes on what a hard head I have to take such a beating and show no signs of registering it beyond bruising (a joke between us due to him having once accidentally put a golf club into my forehead and fracturing my skull but that's a different story) he told me to call him regularly so that he can review how I feel and the progression of my symptoms and left. By the morning I had already had two more instances of sudden fatigue and collapsing in on myself. I had been posting on my main blog here about how I was doing and due to this I caught the concern of @peekbackstage and upon their suggestion to have my O2 levels tested it was revealed that I was having issues with my blood not circulating oxygen as it should and nearing hypoxia.

Here's the rub. I have a heart condition that is already very dangerous and bleak which limits my heart's capability of delivering blood through my body as it should. Cardiomyopathy or, as it seems better known, congestive heart failure. I've had surgery for it and it has been a while since it caused me any real issues as long as I stick to my routine of care and manage my health, but when COVID-19 infiltrated my body it immediately snagged upon this weak heart of mine and sank its fangs in.

Within a day of being admitted to the hospital I had a grand mal seizure due to the constant fluctuations of oxygen in my blood and the way my body was working double time to supplement for it. And only 2 days after that and when my nervous system had finally quieted down, I went into full cardiac arrest with a heart attack at my young age.

My next weeks were spent connected to machines doing more for me than my own body could. I developed pneumonia in my lungs, acute though it was it was still another complication that my wrecked body had to overcome as it made my already ragged breathing even worse. I was steadily shedding muscle tone and definition due to a lack of mobility and the fact that my body felt like a deadweight I could hardly take command of, and generally very weakened. My heart, the horrible thing, was inflamed and trying too hard by beating too fast, too hard.

FF some more and I was doing fairly well and treatments were showing some improvement. My heart was still being an ugly and gnarled beast in my chest and throwing weird spikes on the monitor that raised alarms. The pneumonia was retreating and I had no further seizures. It was the dawning light of my first signs that I was recovering!

It took a while more and so fucking many tests day in and day out for me get cleared for release. I tested negative for COVID-19 and was ashamed that I actually forgot that that was why I was even in the hospital to begin with, given all that happened. I have to undergo physical therapy and counseling; PT for heart happy exercises as well as to manage to my depleted muscles, counseling bc I was rocked mentally from all the almost dying and the depressive haze of being holed up in the hospital and surrounded by people who, like me, came in with COVID-19 but unlike me did not come out of it.

I'm home now. I had to have a pacemaker implanted and must stay vigilant for any showing that my heart is not performing as it should. I still have some severe inflammation and chest restriction in my airways as well as my blood vessels but nothing too daunting. I also have a full battalion of prescriptions, most for my heart, and a nebulizer to ease any breathing issues. The worst is honestly that I still am very weak and have severely limited reserves of energy.

My job is required to make me take 12 weeks of leave for rest and recuperation. This is very upsetting since I had been requested by name to be an assistant stylist at the Grammys this year which is truly a dream (especially with BTS in the mix 😩😩) and also bc I'm just a workaholic by nature and love my job. When I return I am expected to learn how to properly delegate tasks that do not directly require me to handle and slow down the pacing of my projects. My boss terminated a contract with a client that was nearing the scheduled end of our agreement and was also incredibly problematic to help lighten my workload. It's imperative that I reign in my stress levels or my heart will not last until the next surgery I'll need, so I'm gritting my teeth and letting my job be picked apart to reduce my responsibilities.

My post awaits my return but I will not be returning to full activity for a while after, which means no rifling through the racks for hours alongside the archivists in search of the perfect piece. I'll be welcome to meet with my clients and oversee the glam teams, will still be the command tower for final verdicts on which styles to use. But I will not be running around showrooms nor personally handling matters any competent trainee could be tasked with like I've always done. I will no longer be able to fly out anywhere for destination shoots or fashion shows.

If, after my next surgery, things are better and my heart stable to the point that they are hopeful of things will be reevaluated. While it is difficult beyond measure for me to relinquish the reigns of my career and be restricted in what I can do now, I am very thankful to be alive and upright when that wasn't a certainty just a little while ago. This is such a humbling experience to have survived when my stats kept dropping every day. I've been told to expect that I will never make a full 100% recovery and to expect to stall out around the 70%-90% range, with 70% being the most realistic.

My best friend (the one I gave the plague to) will be moving in with me so that I am never on my own if things go tits up and to assist in wrangling a toddler since I am currently without the energy to do so as my child is, sincerely, a crazy gremlin spawn with limitless battery life. Slowly, my life will regain some normalcy 💖

Bad Things Happen Bingo #2 Virgil + Hearing Loss 

for @fictivekaleidoscope​ (EVIL!! EVIL THAT WAS!!) Had to get it out of the way early or my heart would have gotten all cowardly xD

What it says on the tin, so hope you enjoy it!

Edit: hi, my brain is tired, I must also shout out @gumnut-logic​ for helping me with the ending and reading things through

—————————————————————

The door at the end of the corridor was all the mattered. John is telling him to move, his voice getting sharper and sharper, the intervals between that same instruction being issued getting shorter and shorter. As though he was simply ignoring that one simple direction.

If he had focus to spare, he’d be yelling right back at his brother. He’s running already, he can see the display in his helmet just as clearly as John can. The hydrogen level is rising. The fire is getting closer.

He doesn’t intend to be in the room when they meet.

Steam is hissing from the pipelines, and he lifts his gloved hand to wipe away the condensation. He can’t get at the sweat, dripping down his nose. He can’t escape the heat.

He’s lifted off his feet before he registers the sound, the shockwave blowing through the building.

A sharp crack and the display in front his eyes flickers and dies. His breath quickens, making the most of the oxygen spilling out between the polymer seal in his helmet.

A wave of dizziness keeps him on his knees even as he spots the fire on the ceiling above him.

The pressure is building, his ears screaming against the change in equilibrium.

Virgil has just enough time to recognise the danger and pull himself into a protective ball when the second explosion hits.

Heat seeps into his helmet, the rest of his body strangely cool in a room filled with orange and yellow flame.

He can hear all his brothers now, indistinct as the pain in his ears flares.

It’s the last thing he hears.

Yellow and orange fade to black.

***

Awareness returned with a ringing nausea. Virgil could just make out the strains of muffled conversation bleeding into his consciousness. Blearily, he tried to open his eyes and a deep groan escaped him. He could feel a frown forming even as he shifted to find a more comfortable position.

Something felt off. Beyond the way the ground had changed from hard concrete to soft mattress. Beyond the way his head protested at the slightest movement. His senses were too dulled by exhaustion to work out what had changed.

A hand lightly touched his arm and he flinched away, eyes flying open to see a room filled with harsh sunlight. A silhouette sat next to him and the muted words seemed to take on a more urgent tone.

He peered at the figure, and Scott swam into view, his eyes drawn together in a frown.

“Hey, Scott,” whispered Virgil, the sound getting lost on the way.

Scott made no reply, only frowned more deeply, and Virgil felt his attention start to wander. He didn’t recognise his surroundings, not warm enough for the island and not sterile enough for a hospital.

A sharp tap against his shoulder drew his eyes back to his brother. His lips were moving and Virgil stared at them, trying to blink back the fuzzy feeling in his head.

Scott shook his head, the frustration evident in his sharp actions.

Virgil closed his eyes, struggling to comprehend what he was trying to communicate.

Too soon, he thought. He was rapidly sinking under a wave of exhaustion and the persistent buzzing was starting to wrap around his head in a dizzying manner.

A gentle pat pulled his eyes open one last time and he smiled dopily at his brother’s worried face as he slipped back into unconsciousness.

***

His awareness slowly returned to the sight of silent moonlight spilling over the covers. Every part of him ached and he had vague memories of being thrown across a room. His breath felt tight in his lungs, but worse than that was the dial tone ring that accompanied his every waking moment thus far.

It was starting to get annoying.

“Oh, hey, Virgil,” came a slurring voice out of the dark.

A shadow leaned across the bed, and he scrambled away, unsure of who was in the room with him.

“Hey, hey,” said the voice again, slightly louder now. “It’s me, it’s Gordon.”

The light at his bed clicked on and he stared wild-eyed at his younger brother.

The motion had done little to help his cause, and the buzzy sentences were starting to overlap like two people speaking over each other, arguing and pushing against his own frustration that the world didn’t sound right.

And he still felt sick.

“Wha’ happened?” he rasped, releasing the covers from his grip.

Gordon’s response was rapid, seeming to slice right through him as he tried to untangle the start of the sentence from the end.

“Double explosion.”

Virgil closed his eyes from the effort, no longer interested in the rest of the sentence he had missed.

“I feel it,” he mumbled. He brought a hand to his face and winced as he prodded a strange, goopy substance.

“Yeah, let’s leave that,” said Gordon, pulling Virgil’s hand away. “You want that where it is.”

Virgil stared at his brother, concentrating on the sounds.

“Your voice is weird.”

Gordon’s perpetual smile dropped and his eyes grew tight.

“Yeah?” he said, slowly and clearly over that incessant buzz. “Tell me how, big guy.”

Virgil slowly rocked his head back and forth.

“You’re all muffled. And the timing’s off.” He stared at Gordon, expression pleading. “Keep talking.”

Gordon’s lips quirked, but he obliged without question. Virgil couldn’t make out the content, already his attempts to process the sounds were wearing on him, but he needed to know what had changed. There was a reason he’d mistaken his brother for a stranger. There was a reason his brother sounded like a conversation with a meaning just beyond his reach.

“I can’t hear it,” he snarled, shaking his head.

Instead of replying, Gordon grabbed a tablet and began to type.

Virgil stared at him, emotions welling up within. Gratitude that his brother had noticed his distress warred against the hateful feeling of helplessness, that things might have forever changed.

The tablet made it too real.

You ruptured both your eardrums. Grandma says they can run tests tomorrow. Your brain scan was registering some weird stuff. No need for hospital, so Lady P offered a room.

Virgil read the text in silence. The frustration that had so freely bubbled up only moments before faded away, leaving only exhaustion.

There was one more thing he needed to know before he would allow himself to rest easy.

“Why here?”

Gordon shrugged.

“In case we needed to launch.”

His brain offered up the sound he’d stopped registering, hearing it in his memory as if for the first time. He inhaled sharply, squeezing his eyes shut at the phantom pain.

“Aw crap, Virg, hang on.”

Gordon ducked into the ensuite and returned with a damp flannel. Virgil took it gratefully and cradled it around his ear, warmth chasing away the steady ache.

He could feel himself relaxing, sinking down into sleep once more.

“Yeah, go to sleep, V,” said Gordon, settling into the chair next to his brother’s bed. “I’ll see you on the other side.”

 ***

He was pretty sure it was the incessant talking that woke him next.

He rolled over, dragging the covers with him in the hopes his family would get the hint that he was still firmly asleep.

There was to be no such luck as Alan pulled the covers back with a blinding smile.

“Virgil! You’re awake!”

The response in the room was deafening, the sounds overwhelming as they all tried to grab at his attention. The ringing increased, syllables overlapped and all the while Virgil’s brain tried to sort through the mess of sound, to try snatch any kind of meaning from the burst of chatter. But no matter where he turned, only a jumble of noise was left behind.

It would be easy to lose himself, he thought, watching his brothers pile words upon words on top of each other. The world had turned into a foreign soundscape, muffled calls, sentences slurring and sliding into each other, and dissonant voices he could no longer align with his memories.

“Boys! Enough!”

Sharp and discordant in a way that tugged on his ear, Grandma Tracy cut clear through the cacophony. The buoyant white noise subsided until he was left with just one sound. He was ready to gouge out his inner ear than continue to deal with that particular annoyance.

He didn’t catch what was said, still unused to the energy required to partake in conversation, but he watched his brothers leave without protest.

Grandma’s cool hand brushed against his flushed cheeks and she smiled softly.

“Now,” she said. “Tell me how you’re feeling.”

Virgil knew that fever was setting in, knew that the ache deep in his bones told a tale of injuries more serious than ruptured eardrums, but he saw his Grandma and his defences fell to their knees as she brushed the hair away from his forehead.

“Grandma, I can’t hear right.”

“I know, hon,” she soothed. “Your left ear’s got an infection, we couldn’t keep it out. There’s a course of antibiotics waiting for you and it’ll come back, right as rain.”

“The world…” His breath caught in his chest. “The world sounds wrong.”

He wouldn’t cry, not here, not now. Not over this.

“Tell me how, sweetheart.” Her fingers ghosted over his skin. “It’s okay, just tell me.”

The tears pricked against his eyelids.

“You don’t sound like you should. Like there’s two of you talking.”

“That can happen, that’s your ear infection messing with your sound perception.”

“Everything’s making the wrong sound. I can’t hear the pitch anymore.”

Virgil sucked in a breath and bolted upright, staring at Grandma Tracy in terror.

“Grandma, I won’t be able to play.”

Her steady hands found their way back to his cheeks and she pulled him close, careful to avoid the burns across his face.

“You will when you’re better,” she said, slowly and clearly, making certain he couldn’t mistake her meaning. “There’s been no damage to your inner ear, it’s not going to be permanent.”

He relaxed against her, folding into the hug.

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely.”

She smiled softly as he sank back into the pillows, before straightening in her chair, eyes firm as she looked him over.

“Anything else to tell me?”

Virgil shook his head.

“Sore. Tired. The usual.”

“Good,” she said, patting his shoulder. “This could have been a lot worse. In a few weeks, your ears should be healed and you can go home to work through the duty checks.”

Virgil smiled weakly. He didn’t want to sit around listlessly, with sounds blurring together and two-toned. He wanted to be up and moving, impatient for health and the world vibrant again.

Grandma Tracy leaned forward, and her lips moved with a murmur that couldn’t penetrate his ears.

He’d heard it enough times that it didn’t matter. His brain conjured the sound in her place and lulled him to sleep. At least he could still hear in his dreams.

***

The days went by and Virgil could stay awake for longer and longer periods. The antibiotics took care of the infection and the overlapping voices that had plagued his hearing. The tinnitus faded to almost nothing following a visit to a specialist who had patched his eardrums. Even his bruises had yellowed and started to fade.

“You’re sure you’re up for this?” asked Scott, hovering anxiously. “You’re meant to be resting.”

“I’ve rested plenty,” said Virgil. “I’m fine, a short walk won’t kill me.”

“Yeah, but if your not, it’ll be my head Grandma come after.”

“Stop worrying and help me tie my damn shoes.”

“Sure,” muttered Scott. “Can’t even reach down to tie his shoelaces, but no, Virgil Tracy is fine, just peachy.”

Virgil kicked him.

“I liked you better when I couldn’t hear you.”

“Not like it matters, seeing as you ignore me either way,” shot Scott back at him. “You ready?”

Virgil nodded, grasping the offered hand and hauling himself upright.

They walked in silence for the most part, no need for words between them. With no chatter in his ears, Virgil could focus on why he’d needed to get outside – he’d needed this. Needed to feel fresh air on his skin, to feel the warmth of the sun sink into his bones. To hear the birds chirping their songs.

He stopped and grabbed at Scott’s arm.

“Do you hear that?” he whispered, hardly daring to interrupt the joyous sound.

“Hear what?” Scott jumped to attention, slipping in front of his brother and eyes roaming the garden.

“The birds, Scott. I can hear the birds.”

“Oh,” said Scott, relaxing. “Yeah, man, I can hear them too.”

Virgil closed his eyes and listened, a smile creeping up from the hope blooming in his heart.

Scott grinned as he watched, his own spirits lifting with his brother’s discovery.

“I guess you’ll be able to hear the mouse in your room now too.”

He opened one eye and glared at his brother.

Scott’s lips curled just a fraction.

Virgil shoved him off the path.

External Male Genitalia

(Warning: One very shit side diagram of the male genitalia, and one computer generated image showing the difference between a circumcised and uncircumcised penis).

Hello my lovelies,

Sorry for such a long wait, I’ve been struggling with my mental health and motivation in general. However, I’ve had a mini holiday and I feel re-energised. I’m going to set myself a goal of posting a new ‘lesson’, if you will, on this blog every Friday. I just want to say another big thank you to all those who are supporting this blog and are wanting to learn more about your fun parts.

My first two posts were centred around the female genitalia (of which I am very familiar seeing as though I have one). We are now going to give some love to the guys and talk about male genitalia – I have done as much research as I can. Unfortunately with male genitalia it seems to be a case of…what you see is really all you get, externally anyway. I will do my best, but if something does seem off just let me know (remember this is a learning journey for all of us – myself included). Ok without further ado…

Mons Pubis – The area of fatty tissue that covers the pelvic bone, however it is not as prominent on males as it is females.

Onto the actual penis, which is split up into three main sections:

The root – this is internally attached to the wall of your abdomen, and connects the penis to the pelvic bones via ligaments to offer support. Colour coded Green (I’ve included some on the actual penis to help give the idea of how it supports the penis).

The shaft/the body – This is the tube like part of the penis. This is the area that swells with blood due to the three internal chambers which contain spongy erectile tissue (corpus spongiosum) which themselves are filled with thousands of gaps which fill with blood as the male becomes aroused. When the penis becomes erect, it lengthens and thickens, shifting positions as it lifts towards the abdomen – where the rather cringy term ‘standing to attention’ is aptly applied. Colour coded Orange.

The glans – this is the ‘blub’ or head at the very end of the penis, which can be covered with foreskin. There is the urethral opening at the end of the penis where both urine and semen are expelled from the body. Yes men only have ‘one hole’ and both urine and semen are expelled from the urethra. However, internal reproductive organs block off the ability to expel urine from the urethra when the penis is erect. The glans is also filled with thousands of nerve endings (4000 to be exact), meaning if you want a reaction – give it some special attention, don’t neglect the other areas, but this is the external pleasure centre. Colour coded Red.

Foreskin – This is a sheath of skin that is attached to the head/glans of the penis when males are born. It helps to keep the glans lubricated, mainly in older males. It is fully attached to the glans in these early days, meaning it can’t be pulled back. It starts to separate around age 2 but it can start partially detaching later in life. No matter what age you are, please for the love of God do not try to pull your foreskin back further than it will naturally go – you will hurt yourself. If you have foreskin it is important to gently pull it back and wash under it, if not a cheesy like substance delightfully known as ‘smegma’ can build up and potentially lead to infections. The foreskin can also be removed at a young age for religious beliefs. The removal of the foreskin is known as circumcision. There are also different forms of circumcision for different religions, but I am not qualified to talk about them. If anyone belonging to a religion that practices circumcision and the belief behind it would like to share their story please feel free (I will anonymise you of course and please do not post your experience unless you are 18+). Colour coded Red. There is an image below which shows the difference between a circumcised penis and a non-circumcised penis.  

Scrotum - The scrotum is the sac located behind the penis; it is literally a sack of skin to hold the testicles. There is a left and right testicle, and like female breasts they are rarely symmetrical – if there is one thing to learn about nature is that she hates symmetry with a passion. In fact, one side of the human body is bigger than the other. Anyway back to balls. The purpose of the scrotum is to hold the testes which produce sperm and hold them until ejaculation (the physical effect of an orgasm). Hormones, such as testosterone (clues in the name) are produced here. Testosterone is the main sex hormone found in males, it plays a key role in the maturing of the male during puberty – focusing mainly on the sex organs, secondly on bone mass, muscle and body hair. In some cases a male may be born with one testicle. This is normal, but I would always advise that you check with your doctors if you are worried about something (I’ll share a story about my asymmetrical tits and the doctors at the end to make you guys and gals feel better). Others may lose a testicle to a medical issue – remember all bodies are different and there is beauty in our imperfections. Colour coded Blue.

Perineum – Which is also eloquently referred to as the ‘Gooch’, which is located behind the balls and before the anus – it’s in-between the two. Much like on the female, the perineum can vary in size, between 1 – 2+ inches. It can also be stimulated during sex, again, just be careful. (see my second post on female genitalia for reference).

Right story time:

So I’m telling you all this to help with my own body confidence and to help anyone who may be going through the same thing either with their tits or balls, or anyone who may be struggling with body image in general. So during puberty my tits started growing in fairly even, until my left decided to be a bitch and outgrow the other. And this isn’t a ‘little’ difference – it is incredibly noticeable, and I have to wear special shaping and compacting bras to help with my shape and make it less noticeable. Now a lot of things can affect this, diet, hormones and genetics being some. I went to the doctors for two reasons, one to check that there were not any underlying health problems such as breast cancer. Thankfully that was a negative, but I still make sure to regularly check my breasts in the bath to be sure (I’ll include a post on this too). Two, to see if anything could be done to even them out, but the NHS said no as it wasn’t a real medical concern (which to be fair, it isn’t a medical concern if there is nothing causing it other than nature hating symmetry). I’m now in my 20s and still suffer with this problem. I’ll be honest with you, I’m self-conscious every day, I’m scared of getting naked and having someone laugh at me. However, at the end of the day, if someone laughs at your body doing something that it can’t control, then they’re a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve your time and you should wait for bigger and better things. No one is lesser because of their body, no matter what it looks like. Coming to terms with your body does take time, it is still taking me time, but talking to your loved ones (or complete strangers on the internet if you’re like me) is the first stepping stone to acceptance.

Alright, that’s a wrap on my external genitalia series! Over the next few weeks I’ll be covering erogenous zones, internal pleasure centres, masturbation, consent and safe sex (not necessarily in that order)! I will cover the reproductive systems at some point, but I will let you know that it is not my main concern as most education systems around the world teach sex ed with the purpose of reproduction. To say sorry for being so late with this post, I will let you guys choose what I next post about, just reply to this post and I’ll tally it up. Your choices are:

1 – Erogenous Zones

2 – Internal Pleasure centres

The runner up will be posted a week after the winner. I’ll stop counting the results on Sunday, 11th July at 9 pm (UK time/GMT +1).

The next post will also be a lot better than this one as I get back into the swing of it. I hope anyway. 

Take care and stay sex positive my lovelies!

-          Love, TheSexTheorist xxx

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Very much standby with me will be back to you for any new information lindsay dunkel is our senior washington editor bringing a So Good With My Rod I Make Fish Come T-Shirt sad part of our extended special coverage for use morning looking live at the white house we know the us numbers us leave the world ignominiously in terms of the number of people with coded 19 more than 207 000 people have died in these recent months more than 7 million had become infected on the vast majority have recovered but the united states response to cove in 19 frankly bewildered much of the world certainly been criticized by many in the president’s response particularly now all of this coming very close to home with the president and his wife now with a positive diagnosis let’s try to look into this a little bit more deeply from a health perspective doctors in my chakra buying is with disease specialist trillion health partners is a frequent guest on cbc news network and dr were glad to have you on this day of such a stunning that a breaking news and just curious about. In terms of who else is on the ticket with the presidential nominees here is canada’s prime minister sophia sending our best wishes to president trump in the first lady we hope you both get well soon have a full recovery from his virus so very large about herself diagnosed with coded 19 at the beginning of the pond and also we just got from me conservative leader aaron o’toole he himself and his wife diagnosed with coded 19 is just this week returned to parliament hill here is history just moments ago rebecca and I know firsthand the challenges of coded 19 and wish the president and first lady speedy recovery ongoing coverage of president donald trump in the first positive for coded 19 you are watching cbc news the white house this morning it is 923 eastern time just joining us this morning from across the country watching perhaps our social channels or cbc newsca broad coverage this morning because of the breaking news out of the white house at president donald trump has tested positive for coronavirus has. 400 years devastation since I got a Mac and Tony and Steve usually celebrate with their children and their friends this time it’s a dinner for two sitting in the pool telling jokes so that July in American damper on holiday at least there’s something to celebrate they just received word that they’ll get a government loan worth 150 000 it should get their business through the next few months Steve sees that it’s true that trumps America is good for him and others I think that’s one of the things that make me proud about being American as we do help people the world I know we can be conceived as bullies and insights but I think America is the is good for the world I do think there interest in the world that would like to see that change but I hope that America stays the leader of the world and cares about our neighbors the world the package is already talking about election fraud and noise are not surprised it’s just typical Trump one last question before we go what if Trump loses but refuses to leave office See Other Shirt: I Never Dreamed I'd Grow Up To Be A Super Sexy Pontooning Girl But Here I Am Killing It Vintage Retro T Shirt

A natural disaster … in all 50 states’ is unfolding just as travelers disperse nationwide after Thanksgiving

As millions of Americans head home after Thanksgiving, the coronavirus could be hitching a ride — threatening to plant seeds of infection across the country as the US on Sunday topped more than 100,000 new cases for the 27th consecutive day.

So far Sunday, the United States has reported 109,671 new cases and 731 deaths, according to Johns Hopkins University.

A surge of new travel-related infections could overwhelm hospitals already stretched to capacity. Hospitalizations of Covid-19 patients reached a record high of 93,238 on Sunday, trumping Saturday’s record-breaking 91,635 figure, according to the Covid Tracking Project.

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It is the third time there have been over 90,000 Americans hospitalized with Covid-19 — the first being Thursday with 90,481 before a drop to 89,834 Friday that could be attributed to inconsistencies in reporting over Thanksgiving.

“There’s no way that the hospitals can be fully prepared for what we’re currently facing,” emergency medicine physician Dr. Megan Ranney said.

“This is like a natural disaster occurring in all 50 states at the same time. There are not adequate beds. There are not adequate staff. And because of the lack of national preparation, there are still not adequate supplies,” said Ranney, a CNN medical analyst and director of the Brown-Lifespan Center for Digital Health at Brown University.

“Here in Rhode Island, we are currently planning to open our field hospital on Tuesday because our hospitals are so full of sick Covid-19 patients. But not every state has that option,” she said.

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“And even if you open a field hospital, if you have hundreds of staff who are sick — which is what many states across the country are currently facing — if you don’t have nurses and doctors and respiratory techs, even a field hospital isn’t going to save you. Our health care system is literally at the breaking point right now, thanks to Covid-19.”

New cases now mean new hospitalizations by Christmas

Sunday is expected to be the busiest air travel day of the entire pandemic even though the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommended that Americans not travel for Thanksgiving.

Roughly 6 million travelers passed through security at US airports after the CDC’s travel warning in the week leading up to Thanksgiving.

But it will be weeks before anyone knows how much of a role Thanksgiving gatherings and travel play in new hospitalizations and deaths.

Site: https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/node/12893

“When you look at people who are hospitalized today, they were infected two weeks ago, maybe more,” said Dr. Jonathan Reiner, a professor of medicine at George Washington University. “And then it takes usually another week for folks to succumb to the illness.”

So infections picked up on Thanksgiving “are going to show up in three weeks and are going to show up in deaths over Christmas and New Year’s and are going to spread in every state,” Ranney said.

Statistics reported in the days after the holiday might show a relative dip in Covid-19 cases, followed by a surge due to a lag in government agencies’ reporting over the long weekend.

And given coronavirus’ lengthy incubation time and how long it takes an infected person to test positive, cases related to Thanksgiving are unlikely to show in public data until the first full week of December at the earliest.

Even before then, Covid-19 is killing Americans at a staggering rate. At least 1,189 new deaths were reported on Saturday alone, according to Johns Hopkins University.

Site: https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/node/12894

More than 266,000 people in the US have died from Covid-19 since the pandemic began.

Birx: ‘If you’re young and you gathered,’ get tested

Health experts say anyone who gathered with people outside their household should take serious precautions in the coming days, especially young people who might be carrying and spreading coronavirus without any symptoms.

“If you’re young and you gathered, you need to be tested about five to 10 days later,” said Dr. Deborah Birx on CBS’s “Face the Nation” on Sunday. “You need to assume that you’re infected and not go near your grandparents and aunts and others without a mask.”

Birx, a member of the White House coronavirus task force, recommended those over age 65 get tested immediately if they develop any symptoms.

“If you’re over 65 or you have comorbidities and you gathered at Thanksgiving — if you develop any symptoms, you need to be tested immediately,” she said.

Site: https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/node/12896

ER doctor wants people to follow stay-at-home orders

Many hospitals are on the brink of exceeding capacity, threatening reduced care for everyone — even those without coronavirus. So officials around the country have reinstated or rolled back on restrictions. In Los Angeles County, a three-week stay-at-home order goes into effect on Monday.

What I wish is that people would follow those stay-at-home orders,” said Ranney, the emergency medicine physician in Rhode Island.

“I can’t tell you how many patients I take care of who tell me, ‘Well, I just went to an indoor restaurant.’ Or, ‘I just went to a party with a few friends. I didn’t actually think I was going to catch Covid.’ So those stay-at-home orders are critical.”

The Los Angeles County stay-at-home order prohibits all public and private gatherings with people outside a single household.

Site: https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/node/12897

“Residents are advised to stay home as much as possible and always wear a face covering over their nose and mouth when they are outside their household and around others,” the county’s public health department said.

The order is in effect through December 20. It does not apply to “faith based services and protests, which are constitutionally protected rights,” the health department said.

Essential retail businesses will be limited to 35% occupancy, while the occupancy limit for nonessential retail operations, personal care services and libraries will be 20%, the county said.

“Even if you’re not feeling sick, the simple act of gathering with people outside your household puts everyone at risk,” county health director Barbara Ferrer said.

Site: https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/node/12899

Ranney said it’s possible some schools and workplaces can operate safely if precautions are met.

“I think it’s really important that you keep safe workplaces and safe schools open,” she said. “We know that in those structured settings, where people are masked, keeping a distance, having adequate ventilation, the spread of the virus is pretty low in those settings,” she said.

“I am hopeful that that type of order will be effective. And we’ve seen in France that it works,” Ranney said. “I sure hope it will be (effective) in L.A., and I hope the rest of the country can follow suit. Because we need to do something, or — again — this virus is just going to just continue to grow out of control.”

Site: https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/node/12901

California set a new pandemic record on Sunday with 7,415 Covid patients in its hospitals, according to data provided by the California Department of Health.

That eclipses the previous California hospitalization record of 7,170 people on July 21.

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Football - as alien as ever

An entire country is sitting at home, many worry about their jobs. But footballers are back in training and extending their contracts. And now they even want to play. By Oliver Fritsch

Imagine if a Bundesliga player now said : "My teammates and I are worried about our country but also about our industry. So at least for the next three months we'll reduce our salaries to that of a nurse, the true key player of our society.

Though we do want to return to playing soon so that our club, as well as the whole of German football will survive and people can enjoy a little diversion. On top of that we really miss playing football very much. But as we know that, not only during a pandemic but all the more in these times, our job amounts to a privilege, we want to give something back. And we'll give gladly, because we have a lot."

The reality's looking different. Although some players do renounce parts of their salary, all in all it's very little. While the ball is resting many keep earning millions. The same goes for managers and coaches.

Thomas Müller even extended his contract this week. Soon he'll make yet more than the estimated 15 million Euros per year. Fans have been celebrating the announcement. Some of them are getting messages from their clubs these days asking them to reduce reimbursement for tickets they've already paid for, ideally by a 100%. An interview with Jörg Neblung illustrates what 'crisis news' sound like on spaceship football: "In the next two years," the players' agent told web portal transfermarkt.de "there probably won't be any 300-Million-transfers." Roughly translated: football will suffer and starve.

The football clubs were the last ones to grind into Covid-standstill. On 8 March the game Bayern against Augsburg took place in a sold-out arena, while at the same time politicians advised to cancel events with more than 1000 participants. The following day VfB Stuttgart played against Bielefeld, yet another day later Leipzig hosted Tottenham, each in full stadiums. Football games may not be foci of infection, as had been reported at first. But the clear signal was: no matter what, we'll keep going.

Now footballers are the first ones getting back into action. An entire country is sitting at home, many worry about their jobs. But since the beginning of the week all Bundesliga clubs are training in small groups, some started even earlier. And Deutsche Fußball Liga (DFL) is planning for Geisterspiele [lit. "ghost games", games without fans in the stadium] to take place early to mid-May. The declared aim being to finish the interrupted season by 30 June, in order to secure TV money.

The people's sport of football has long been well treated by politics and public authorities. But this time it may have a hard time to explain itself to the public and push through its privileges.

This is what football would look like in times of Corona: only a minimum of necessary staff allowed into the stadium, round about 240 people. The teams and the people around them get tested for Covid 19 about every three days, all in all around 20.000 times. And the players would have to observe social isolation measures for a few more weeks. The entire project will be accompanied by a task force, consisting mainly of sport medicine specialists. And from political circles it transpires there are considerations to have the games only in a few selected stadiums for financial reasons.

The representatives of football justify their plans saying they want to cheer up people and give them news apart from Covid 19. But head of DFL Christian Seifert speaking to ZEIT also admitted openly "Like in other businesses we're dealing with a product, one that is produced by employees on and off the pitch. And when production is halted it's threatening livelihoods and jeopardising jobs."

Though many fans like DFL's idea and are warming towards the atmospherically poor Geisterspiele, at least as a temporary solution, there are also those that recognise in it an undue privilege. Currently every laundry, every kiosk has to remain closed, people are chased off park benches by the police, other athletes are having to train in their kitchens or on balconies. And football wants to play. On top of using testing capacities that are needed elsewhere.

And anyway, which pictures would be shown, inciting not only children to mimic them, once playing resumed? This imperative interpersonal distance of 1,5m couldn't be continually observed on the pitch even by Dortmund's defense!

Curiously, despite its many crises football has seen a steady growth in recent history. The cheating referees Robert Hoyzer and Dominik Marks couldn't harm it, the dubious payments surrounding the "Sommermärchen" didn't cause any damage nor did corrupt FIFA, which reportedly flogged the world cups to highest-bidding Russia and Qatar.

But maybe football's behaviour in the times of Corona will lead to its fall. It's lamenting the loudest when it just wants to secure its business model. That's what many social media postings read like. Some fans are even asking angrily: is football supposed to be worth more than lives? Football to them is as alien as ever.

Critics may overlook the fact that when the Bundesliga is bound to return the situation in Germany and around the world will look different from today. In Covid times four or six weeks can make a huge difference. Until then there will probably be a relaxation concerning economy and social life. Presumably there'll also be more and cheaper testing options.

But when it comes to the negative atmosphere and the reactions of Schadensfreude football at least partially has itself to blame. As a representative of self-indulgent capitalism it has to face a moral debate. The fact that in the past years and decades it always acted as "taker" is now coming back to bite.

An elite is making obscene amounts of money. Even the most unsuccessful coaches have it made after two or three years. Some managers waste millions on nonsensical transfers, collaborating with players' agents who clean up on the deals. On instagram players show off their yachts and luxurary car collections. Some employees even below the level of upper management earn more than those in comparable positions in other business enterprises.

It's becoming clear: despite the abundance almost nobody thought of savings. Allegedly one Bundesliga club is even on the brink of insolvency.

And the fact that the chummy football scene lives in its own bubble is also coming back to bite. Outside opinions, public opinion, counts for little to nothing. Criticism, even from the inside, is never considered constructive but as disruptive to the business. At the same time of course, the men of football get validated by millions of fans idolising them, come what may.

And so, as in some other parts of society, the Covid crisis exposes the wretched state of football. Though there are some players with a conscience, too, for example the Bayern players Leon Goretzka and Joshua Kimmich encouraging colleagues to donate. They're not the only ones giving money to social organisations. And some coaches as well, stand out with reflective statements. Nürnberg's Jens Keller said "I think other branches have to be back and running before football can return." Lucien Favre of Dortmund pointed out the suffering of refugees on Lesbos.

But maybe the opposite examples stick out more. Dortmund's CEO Hans-Joachim Watzke downplaying the health threat, even to young people, posed by the virus. Horst Heldt of 1. FC Köln calling Markus Söder's wish, the professionals should voluntarily reduce their salaries "populist bullshit".

Some clubs in the second and third league are considering self-administered insolvency plans, though their financial management was poor even before the Corona crisis. But now they benefit from DFL adapting the rules, not deducting points in the instance of an insolvency. And the 20 Million Euro-worth aid campaign of the four Champions League participants from Munich, Dortmund, Leipzig and Leverkusen might turn out to be a bluff, according to Spiegel investigations.

And it isn't any better elsewhere. Liverpool FC, even with giant earnings still cultivating the image of a social club, alienated fans by [taking advantage of the government furlough scheme to pay staff]. After a shitstorm they retracted, issuing an apology. Adidas, not just a sports equipment manufacturer but also a shareholder of FC Bayern, behaved similarly. The corporation with profits running into billions initially applied to enter [government financial protection scheme] and stopped paying rent to shop owners.

And Dietmar Hopp fuelled likely false hope, repeatedly alleging his company's vaccine could be available in the autumn. Experts have rejected that prognosis. Furthermore it seemed rather calculating, the way Hopp attempted to use his role as biotech investor to bring to an end the debates of him as patron of TSG Hoffenheim.

Who will lead German football through this crisis? Once upon a time Uli Hoeneß or Theo Zwanziger seemed to have the right calibre. But that was long ago, and so now all hope lies with Christian Seifert. He may lack the charisma and emotional address to impress a wider audience. Yet intellectually and politically he's a match to these tough times. 

Seifert has understood how to maintain an influence on authorities and that others are calling the shots now, that their data reign. Virologists or  epidemiologist like Alexander Kekulé who made an appearance on ZDF-Sportstudio which usually broadcasts goals and [Torwandschießen]. He supposed a re-start of football in Mai was "feasible", Kekulé said. 

But he warned about the need "for a justification for people why football should get special treatment." It was a polticial issue, he said. In the meantime Armin Laschet (CDU), first minister of North Rhine-Westphalia, and Wolfgang Kubicki (FDP) made it clear that games without an audience would be possible soon.  

Kekulé said something else of note. He put the onus on big clubs - financially, maybe also socially. And in fact not all representatives of football have forgotten about the social assets they hold. Borussia Dortmund have made their stadium available as a Covid testing site, other clubs do the shopping for those in need. [translator’s note: “other clubs” - I beg your pardon, ZEIT? 1. FC Nürnberg, together with our ultras, have been doing this right from the beginning, when everything was first interrupted, credit where it’s due!] It's a service for the public health - but the football business could be doing much more. And for that they could look to their ultras: Many of them doing good and don't even want to talk about it.

Most of all football would benefit and be much better received if it could get back down to earth and deflate in general. After Covid many economical branches will have to make do with much less. This will concern football as well and that puts as back to the issue of personnel expenses which in the Bundesliga amount to 1,4 billion Euros a year. 

Salaries could be reduced, TV money distributed more fairly, mega transfers could be entirely dispensed with in favour of more investments into the youth. And it should be the aim of the Bundesliga to save all, even the much threatened third and fourth tier clubs. And is anybody thinking of popular/mass/amateur sports, the youth team of the village club? 

So far the Bundesliga couldn't even agree on common training rules. Even though the themes of the hour are consolidation and solidarity. All stake holders are on the spot, sponsors, association, staff, right-holders, fans or clubs. The inner logic of the sports dictates that there is no other way other than all together. FC Bayern don't want to end up playing against themselves. And by the way international competition isn't immune to the virus either.

If Bundesliga returns soon, and much seems to point towards it, it would obviously mean a lot to many people. But even more would understand and support it if football contributed something to the greater good. If character truly shows during crisis, there should be more left of football in times of Corona than players kicking around toilet paper rolls.  

Personal reflections on the ethical dilemma of responsible care and decision-making for horses that can no longer be ridden:

(cross-posted from my Facebook page, here’s the link to the FB post if you’d like to interact with the post on that medium instead: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=2189166171191133&id=1257596561014770&__tn__=K-R )

This is sort of a hot-button issue, so bear with me. After reading a few posts and discussion threads this morning, I decided to write about this subject, which is one that weighs heavily on my mind as a horse owner (or steward, if you prefer that word), breeder, trainer, and overall enthusiast.

We live in a country where it can be said that every good horse is just one bad sale away from slaughter. The US market is saturated with horses who cannot find suitable homes, due to age, injury, health or behavioral issues, etc, and each year thousands of horses are shipped over our borders for slaughter after running through traumatic sales and bouncing around from location to location, scared, stressed, and poorly cared for in the interim. The scale of the problem is immense, and for many owners the message is clear: keep your horse. Keep the old horse you can no longer ride, do not try to re-home it into situations where it leaves your control and may be mistreated, passed around, injured further or ultimately end up on a truck to a slaughterhouse.

It seems very simple: you've made a commitment to care for an animal, and so that commitment should be for life. But horses are complex creatures with very nuanced needs.

So this is the story of two retired mares that I own and can no longer ethically ride: Glæta and Tinna.

Glæta is a beautiful 1st prize mare who I purchased as a competition horse. She was known for being a somewhat complicated ride, but she was fully trained and I bought her at around age 11. She was diagnosed with Cushing’s Disease less than a year after I bought her, and because of her young age, her diagnosis was delayed because we were chasing symptoms and missing the big picture - we simply could not believe that our new, young, athletic mare had developed this awful condition normally associated with elderly horses. By the time we finally figured it out, her suppressed immune system (a symptom of Cushing’s) had caused her to develop secondary infections including Ehrlichiosis and then Lyme Disease. We gave her all of the best veterinary care and medication and I spent years paying for all sorts of therapies ranging from traditional to alternative, as well as giving her the best care and biomechanically correct R+ training possible (she was the first horse who sparked my interest in clicker training, and my first foray into bridleless riding and liberty work). We had more good years together and did ultimately return to the competition track, but over time, Glæta began to let me know that she did not enjoy being ridden anymore. She did everything I asked, but I could feel that she just wasn’t fully comfortable. The Cushing’s / Lyme combo made it hard to build her topline normally, and meant that sometimes she had aches and pains that she told me about with just a meaningful look. On those days, I knew not to bother her. I felt that there was no reason to push a horse who had done so much for me to do something she no longer enjoyed, so I made the decision to stop riding her. I took to ponying her a lot, but it was not really enough exercise or stimulation. She could not retire onto lush pastures, given her metabolic condition, and due to the hormonal component of her disease, she became infertile so our dreams of breeding her were dashed. Her days consisted of doing a whole lot of standing around in our paddocks. It didn’t seem like a great life, and she began to lose muscle and gain weight, even on a low-sugar, slow feeder diet and no grass.

Tinna came to me as a bit of rehab training project. She was a horse I had trained in the past who had lost the ability to trot since I’d seen her last, and she had become quite tense. Once she arrived home and I was able to have her thoroughly examined by a vet, we found a large rope of scar tissue beneath her skin, running from her elbow to almost her wither - we suspected that at some point she had had quite the injury and torn her tricep. The scar tissue had shortened that side of her body and she was very tense and reactive. Using clicker training, classical dressage techniques, regular bodywork, and scar tissue massage daily with arnica oil, I was able to retrain her to trot and to move harmoniously and comfortably. I even began to ride her again, and got her up to walk/trot/canter, some tölt, and basic lateral work. But she was only able to tolerate light work, and no matter how carefully I conditioned her, once we got past a certain point of exercise, she began to express discomfort. Ultimately we found that she, too, had contracted Lyme disease, and based on the numbers, it seemed she had had it for a very long time (which prompted my new policy of testing ALL new horses that come in for training for Lyme disease, if they haven’t been tested). Treatment did make her more comfortable, but she was still not able to be exercised normally. The amount of exercise that we were able to do with her was not enough to keep her fit, and she began to gain some weight. I knew that, without exercise, she would develop metabolic issues if she were allowed to graze on pasture, but that put her in the same position as Glæta - confined to dry lot paddocks. Not a very interesting life.

So you see my problem: I love my horses, had the means to keep my retired horses, and I wanted to keep them, and I didn’t give a damn if I never rode either of them again - but keeping them meant that their health needs were not being met. They were not getting adequate exercise or stimulation, and “putting them out to pasture” was not an ethical option, as it would have resulted in inflammation, obesity, and the further decline of their health. Neither one of these mares could be ethically rehomed, as they both required rather special care and handling, and were not suitable as pasture pals or riding horses, even for light riding.

I got lucky. I found Meadow Ridge Farm, which is a fabulous Natural Horsecare facility in Ontario that provides a stimulating lifestyle for herds on paddock paradise track systems. The horses roam all day on miles of tracks, where they have slow feeder hay stations instead of grass to graze. Their hooves largely self trim, and their body condition stays fit and healthy as they move around so much. Boss lady Jen White is very skilled in equine nutrition and feeds them mineral-balanced diets, trims and balances their hooves if they fail to self trim adequately, and provides them with any medication they may need. I continue to own both of my mares, but I board them with Jen. Both are healthy, happy, and well-adjusted - far better off than they were here at my farm.

Retirement boarding facilities like Meadow Ridge are SO needed. But for many, they are not accessible. For those owners, the question of what to do when a horse can no longer be adequately exercised becomes even more complicated. Some horses can go out to pasture, but many can’t, especially easy-keepers who cannot tolerate a lot of pasture. Some people can build paddock paradise systems, but many, like me, do not have a suitable property for track systems. Many of these horses cannot be ethically re-homed. I will say, right now, that I feel there is no shame in humanely euthanizing a horse who can no longer be adequately managed. If the choice is between the horse merely surviving (no thriving) with compromised welfare, or being sold into uncertainty, or being put to sleep while comfortable in a happy, safe environment before he begins to suffer, I feel that I would always prefer to see a horse put to sleep than forced to live in pain or be risked to uncertainty. It is my hope that, as veterinary medicine continues to improve and we all continue to learn more about our equine partners, retirement boarding facilities like Meadow Ridge Farm will become more and more common and popular. Until then, I try to always be open-minded and nonjudgemental when people run into the problem of what to do with a horse they can no longer ride. It’s too common to see snarky people snap, “well, you shouldn’t have bought the horse if you ONLY wanted it for riding,” and, as I found with my two mares, things are simply not so cut-and-dried.

Horses require exercise to stay healthy. They need to move constantly in order to have healthy digestion, balanced blood sugar, good circulation, joints, hooves, etc. When that becomes impossible, for a myriad of reasons, it creates a complex ethical question for the person who loves the horse. It’s not about RIDING, it’s about exercise and adequate welfare for the animal. Be kind in these discussions, and recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Different horses have different needs, and deciding what comes next for a horse who can no longer be exercised normally may prove very complicated. Sometimes there is no happy solution. At the end of the day, I do believe that most people want what is best for their animals.

English Transcript of “Dumb Bitches Podcast”

Introduction

(Introduction music)

All: Dumb Bitches! (children cheering)

Linor: This podcast was created as an academic project for Comics: Seeing Differently with Dr. Galvan at the University of Florida. 

Linor: I’m Linor Sevilla and I’m majoring in Psychology.

Jamie: I’m Jamie Alexander and im majoring in English and Advertising.

Erin: I’m Erin Russell and I’m majoring in English. Raisa: I’m Raisa Karim and I’m majoring in Political Sciences.

Erin: This episode revolves around Dumb, a 2018 graphic memoir written and illustrated by Georgia Webber. It explores the life of author Georgia Webber as she struggles with a vocal injury and disability. 

Jamie: So, let's get into it! In this Podcast, we will discuss how Dumb raises questions about women’s health issues. There are multiple occasions where medical professionals overlook or minimize Georgia’s symptoms. For example, on page 126... 

Topic 1: Women’s Health issues (being taken seriously)

Jamie: ...we see how the words of the male doctor follow Georgia throughout her illness. He says, “I don’t want to tell you it’s all in your head, but you know, your body is affected by stress, and I know it’s hard, but there’s not much I can do.” This kind of language diminishes the seriousness of Georgia’s suffering, which is emphasized through her response, “nobody’s helping me,” as the last element on the two page spread. Also, Webber depicts him as physically more imposing than the other characters on page 126, where he encompasses a disproportionately larger section of the page than Georgia. 

Erin: According to a 2017 Harvard Health Blog article by Laura Kiesel, women in pain are much more likely than men to receive prescriptions for sedatives instead of pain medication. 70% of chronic pain patients are women, but 80% of pain studies are conducted on male mice or human men.

Jamie: It’s also important to try to keep in mind that not all people with uteruses or vaginas are women and that these issues also affect non-binary, trans, and other femme-identifying people.

Linor: Have any of you had experiences with chronic pain or dismissive doctors?

Raisa: I have. A little over a year ago, I went to my doctor for a suspected UTI multiple times over the course of 6-9 months. The urine tests would often come back negative, so I’d go back and she would prescribe me antibiotics anyway. The UTIs would go away, but come back again a couple weeks later. This went on and on and I was in severe pain for months to the point where my issue became chronic. But my doctor at the time continued to be dismissive, telling me to have less sex. That was so sexist! I wasn’t even having sex. I saw another doctor who did a wet mount and it turned out my UTIs were caused by an underlying case of bacterial vaginosis. I’m thankful for her, but my previous doctor’s dismissiveness ruined my ecosystem and now I have chronic yeast infections and BV. It’s tough!

Erin: Oh my gosh, Raisa, that’s awful! I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Raisa: Thanks, Erin.

Linor: These types of interactions with medical professionals can really affect patients’ mental health. They certainly impact Georgia in negative ways, as she has to visit several different doctors before finding one who is able to help her. We will take a look at that right after our segment, “Dumb Tips for Dumb Bitches!”

Dumb Tips for Dumb Bitches

(“Dumb tips for dumb bitches” transitional song)

Raisa: Hey, dumb bitches! The New York Times published an article in 2018 titled “When Doctors Downplay Women’s Health Concerns” by Camille Noe Pagan. Here is a “For Dummies” edition on how to ensure your health concerns are taken seriously with advice from Dr. Powell, the director of the Montefiore Einstein Center for Bioethics, a center which focuses on issues most likely to improve patient care, human subjects research, and health policy.

Erin: Tip one from Dr. Powell is to ask WHY a doctor is giving a certain recommendation and if there is a GUIDELINE for that recommendation.

Raisa: Tip two is to be DIRECT. If you are concerned about your doctor’s recommendations, please express it! A good doctor will be able to take a step back and reassess.

Erin: The third tip is to realize that only you can experience your own body. You most likely are not overreacting if you are concerned. Check your own bias!

Raisa: Finally, a tip from me. This from my own experiences of having symptoms overlooked by doctors. Always get a second, or even third, opinion!

(“Dumb tips for dumb bitches” transitional song)

Topic 2: Mental Health

Jamie: Going back to the discussion of Dumb, negative interactions with doctors can also have impacts on mental health. Georgia mentions not only anxiety, but also her struggle with disordered eating. On page 157, while shopping for food, Georgia thinks “what if my eating disorder comes back.” 

Erin: That’s such a big deal and it was surprising to see how off-handed and glossed-over that comment was! I think she included this comment to show how she has a history of mental illness and how her doctor made her so upset that she was worried about the return of her eating disorder. That’s horrible. How do you even deal with something like that? 

Linor: Well, Erin, Georgia’s memoir really emphasizes the importance of having a support system when facing pressure in your mental health. Georgia leans on her friend and vents about her struggles with her disability and finds comfort in just being able to speak to someone else about it. It ends up giving her motivation to continue illustrating her comics. Having others to relieve your mental stress can be more healing than you might think. 

Raisa: Absolutely, having a support system is invaluable. But also don’t be afraid to reach out to medical professionals about your mental health. Unfortunately, that can be a luxury sometimes and the mental health system isn’t perfect, but, if you’re able, reach out to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed. As someone that has been in the mental health system for a while, having my illness diagnosed validated my feelings. Spending time taking medication and seeing a therapist regularly will also put you on the right track to the road to better mental health. It takes time and that sucks, but don’t give up!

Jamie: If you are experiencing self-harm thoughts, issues with your appetite, or other mental health symptoms please reach out! The UF’s CWC (the Counseling and Wellness Center) offers urgent services 24/7 at 352-392-1575 as well as urgent walk-in sessions during business hours at both of their locations. 

Erin: The Center also provides semester-long treatment plans after a triage consultation. Reach out to the CWC for more information on their services! If you are feeling suicidal, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. That’s 1-800-273-8255.

Linor: What can we do if someone we know is suffering?

Erin: Reach out to that person! If you show them that someone is noticing their suffering and cares, they’re more likely to seek help.

Raisa: If you’re interested in more comics from Georgia Webber, especially ones about her experiences with anxiety and other mental health disorders, you can check out her short comics for free on The Hairpin. 

End of Podcast

Erin: While this story does discuss some very serious and difficult topics, it doesn’t only focus on the bad parts of disability.  There are several times throughout the narrative that Georgia highlights the positive experiences she’s had while dealing with her disability.

Linor: As we discussed previously, there are times throughout the novel where Georgia has some really positive interactions with her friends as she shares some of what she’s struggling with.  There are also points where she’s able to communicate with others without speaking that make her feel a little more secure in her situation.  The largest section of positivity is the very end of the graphic novel, illustrated almost entirely in red, where Georgia receives a free session from a vocal coach and begins to focus on caring for herself, mentally and physically.

Erin: We find that it’s really important to make aspects of this narrative positive, and especially notable that the novel ends on a positive note.  People who have disabilities should be able to see that they can find joy in spite of and even because of their disability.  For this story to end on such a positive note, and with this strong message of caring for and being gentle with yourself, is incredibly impactful, and can provide so much hope to people who may be struggling with their disability.

Raisa: Speaking of disability, we care deeply about making our podcast as accessible as possible. Please check out the rest of our podcast site where we have a transcript of the podcast in both English and Spanish as well as many visual aids. Thank you, and goodnight. 

(Ending music)

The Road Ahead : Chapter 13

Chapter Index HERE

Summary : (Set in the beginning of season 1) Anna Brooks lost everything after the world ended — the last remaining part of herself being her older brother, who she lost contact with after communications dropped. While en route towards Atlanta to find him, Anna’s truck breaks down, leaving her at the mercy of the cruel new world. Now, Anna must face her fears head on as she struggles to deal with devastating loss, constant danger, and finding her way in a land that now belongs to the dead. But sometimes, a glimmer of hope can be found disguised as a short-tempered, hard-headed redneck who may just save her life in more ways than one.

Pairings : Daryl x Original Female Character

Warnings : Slow-Burn, Language/Violence/typical Walking Dead themes

Author’s Note : OKAY, Y’ALL. THIS CHAPPIE’S A LONG ONE SO STRAP IN. We learn a lot in this one and are making way for some awesome stuff coming soon...

xx crossbowking

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Previously…

Glenn and Anna shared an apprehensive look before scooting out from behind the table, Jacqui hurrying to join them from the back room. Anna crouched down, staring through the windshield at the massive building in front of them — the Center for Disease Control.

It was colossal and mighty and most importantly…still standing.

Maybe there was hope here after all.

But for some reason, Anna couldn’t shake the feeling in her gut that told her things were only going to get worse from here on out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now…

The Center for Disease Control.

There had been a brief, heartbreaking moment where everyone feared the CDC had been abandoned — it’s main entrance sealed up tight with an impenetrable steel door, unbreakable windows, and not a single soul in sight besides the dead that roamed the grounds. But much to everyone’s surprise, after a desperate plea from Rick begging for whoever was controlling the cameras to show mercy, the steel door slid open and enveloped the group in a beacon of light.

And there they met Dr. Edwin Jenner.

He was apparently the last man standing. All of the doctors, all of the military, all of the scientists — gone. He was all that was left. And that was a tough fucking pill to swallow.

After seeing the state of the group, a group filled with children especially, Jenner had decided to go against his better judgment and allow the distressed group inside — the only rule being that everyone was to get a blood test done to ensure no one had been unknowingly infected.

Which led Anna to this moment, watching Jenner pierce the soft flesh of her skin with a needle, her blood slipping from her veins and filling up a small tube to be taken away for analysis.

She was tired — no, she was exhausted. She’d been running on empty for days now, physically and emotionally drained from everything she’d gone through. All Anna wanted to do was curl up somewhere and process what her next move would be since the CDC was apparently chopping up to be a dead end. And if this supposed ‘safe haven’ wasn’t what it was promised to be, could the same be said about Fort Benning?

“What’s this?” Jenner suddenly asked, his fingers wrapping around her bandaged hand.

Anna sat up straighter, turning her hand over for inspection. “Oh, uh, that’s nothing. I just cut my palm on a rock the other day,” she shrugged, watching as Jenner began to unwrap the wound.

“I cleaned it up already,” Lori spoke from where she sat, Rick propped up behind her, squeezing her shoulder gently, his expression deep in thought.

“Better safe than sorry, wouldn’t you agree?” Jenner directed his attention towards Anna, waiting until she gave him a short nod before continuing to unwrap the bandage. The cut didn’t look infected — just an angry red slash mark with dried blood caked onto the frayed ends of her skin. Anna watched as Jenner grabbed a cotton swab, dipping it in some sort of liquid before turning back to her. “Saline solution,” he murmured before she had a chance to ask what it was.

He began prodding at the wound, collecting a sample of the dried tissue for further examination, eliciting a quiet hiss from Anna as he pressed the swab a little too deep.

“All set,” he voiced once he was satisfied, slipping the cotton swab into a separate vile before reaching to grab a small first aid kit. He swiftly wrapped Anna’s hand in a clean bandage, removed the needle from her arm and motioned for Andrea to come forward for her turn.

Anna pulled down her sleeve, rubbing her sore arm as she stood, the floor tilting beneath her for a moment before she regained her balance. Black spots danced in her vision as she eased herself down onto another chair near the rest of the group, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

She had so many questions — what happened here? Where was everyone? What was this outbreak? Was there a cure? What did Jenner know? She had a weird feeling that the man was keeping some important information from them, but she was too tired and too overwhelmed to find the energy to ask. There would come a time for that — and the time sure as hell wasn’t now.

Anna nearly wept with relief when Jenner offered the group all the food they could stomach, ushering them into the CDC’s cafeteria for dinner. There was a nearly tangible electric buzz coursing through the group as they spread out amongst one of the long tables, waiting eagerly for the first decent meal they’d eat in weeks.

Anna took a seat at the far end of the table, putting a little distance between herself and most of the group. But the isolation didn’t last long when Glenn spotted her, furrowed his brow, got up from his seat at the opposite end and made his way towards her instead. “Do you think he’ll have Twinkies? Man, I hope he has Twinkies,” he grinned as he approached, rubbing his hands together, plopping down in the seat next to her.

Anna felt a small smile creep across her face — she liked Glenn. He seemed like a truly decent guy with an incredible warmth to him. He made her feel welcome — like she’d always been a part of the group and not some random newcomer. A soft laugh bubbled out of her. “Twinkies? Really?” she teased.

Glenn nodded his head quickly, scooting his chair closer to the table. “Are you kidding? Twinkies are the best. I practically lived off them in college,” he beamed, drumming his fingers along the table top as he eagerly scanned the cafeteria for Jenner’s reappearance.

Anna just shook her head as another laugh slipped through her lips. Glenn shot her a kind smile before he turned the other way to say something to T-Dog, giving Anna a moment to assess the current situation without distraction.

The group was splayed out around the table — most busy chatting with one another, everyone looking more relaxed than Anna had ever seen them. All except for Andrea, who sat quietly, hands folded in her lap, eyes glazed over as she stared off into space. She was thinking about her sister — Anna wasn’t a mind reader, but she also wasn’t stupid. The poor woman had just lost her sister — there was no possible way she could be thinking of anything else.

A sudden pain tugged at her heart and Anna forced her eyes away, unable to watch the grief crashing through Andrea’s eyes any longer. She found her gaze suddenly traveling towards Shane, who also wasn’t participating in conversation — he sat upright in his chair, elbows on the table, chin resting atop his clasped hands, eyes trained on Rick and his family. There was something about his stare, something about the sharpness in his eyes, the coldness, that sent a chill through Anna before she pulled her gaze away.

And then, Anna found herself studying the archer.

She hadn’t spoken to him since the RV broke down — hell, she hadn’t even looked at him. The last thing she needed was more drama and that was all this guy seemed to bring to the table. She wasn’t one to play games and she, quite frankly, didn’t give a shit whether he liked her or not. There was enough turmoil in the world without his projected issues added on top. She hadn’t meant to get involved with the group, she hadn’t meant to run into Merle that day on the road, but it happened. There was no going back. And Daryl could huff and puff, he could be cold and aloof, he could do whatever the hell he wanted — it wasn’t Anna’s problem.

But…as Anna stared at him, watching his usual scowled expression relax for the first time since she’d met him, the infectious positive energy clearly affecting him as well, she couldn’t help but feel a pinprick of hurt.

Why did he hate her so much? She didn’t understand. She hadn’t done anything to him — at least, she didn’t think so. What could’ve possibly happened to warrant all the hostility from him?

Anna’s thoughts were halted when the cafeteria doors swung open and Jenner appeared, hefting a large crate into the room. The group perked up, eyeing the crate hungrily as he approached, placing it down onto the table with a huff.

“Tomorrow is never guaranteed,” Jenner suddenly announced, his gaze sweeping across the faces of his new guests before he reached into the crate and pulled out two bottles of wine. “So tonight we feast.”

A collective murmur spread across the group as they nodded their heads, some clapping, others cheering in agreement. Anna felt a smile spread across her face as she glanced over at Glenn who proceeded to tip his worn baseball hat in Jenner’s direction.

And then they feasted.

Spaghetti and meatballs, rice, baked beans, string beans, canned corn, canned pears, peanut butter, olives, cheese, crackers, and all the bottled water and wine they could stomach. It was as if the entire world around them wasn’t what it was — there were no walkers, no decimated cities, no bleak future. It was just a group of people, enjoying a nice meal and delicious wine, partaking in pleasant conversation — it was a glimpse of how life was before.

Jenner urged everyone to eat their fill, given the fact that most of the food wouldn’t last much longer and would end up going to waste.

No one needed to be told twice.

Anna scarfed down the meal in front of her, reveling in the lukewarm spaghetti, the nearly expired cheese, the canned meatballs. It was the best damn meal she’d had in her entire life and by the practically giddy expressions around her, it was safe to say she wasn’t the only one thinking that. She ate until her stomach rounded, finally filling up her loose jeans, the seemingly permanent rumble in her tummy ceasing.

“Sure you don’t want a drink?” Glenn offered later on, holding out the now almost empty bottle of wine towards her, his words slurred and cheeks flushed from the alcohol he’d been consuming throughout the night.

Anna had declined earlier, choosing instead to stick with water, unsure when it’d be so readily available again. “I’m sure,” she reiterated her answer, sighing contently, leaning back in her chair as she scanned the rest of the table, the room buzzing with laughter, flowing with booze.

“— not you, Glenn,” Daryl’s gruff voice suddenly interjected, drawing Anna’s attention.

“What?” Glenn sounded, caught off guard as a lazy smile tugged at his lips.

“Keep drinkin’, lil’ man. I wanna see how red your face can get,” the archer jeered, pouring himself another heaping glass of wine. Anna had never seen Daryl so relaxed, so playful, so… normal. It was a weird moment to observe, especially from a sober point of view, but she found a bewildered smile slipping across her features.

Daryl must’ve felt eyes on him because his gaze swiveled over towards Anna, the grin on his face faltering as he took in her bemused expression. A moment passed between them before a sudden clinking had them turning their attention towards Rick, the room instantly quieting.

“It seems ta’ me we haven’t thanked our host properly,” he announced, pulling himself to his feet as he raised his glass.

“He is more than jus’ our host,” T-Dog added with an incredulous chuckle, following suit as he toasted Jenner who sat silently at a separate table.

A collective murmur of cheers and thanks sounded throughout the room as everyone began to show their gratitude and appreciation for the man who had saved them all. Anna tipped her bottle of water towards the man, studying his pensive features, wondering what he was thinking about that had him so solemn all of the sudden.

But before she could ponder any further, another voice rang throughout the room. “So, Anna,” Dale suddenly declared, her head snapping towards him. “Why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself?”

Anna felt the room instantly shift around her, all eyes trained her way, waiting for her response. She slowly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, glancing over at Glenn for support, but he merely shrugged and took a long swig of wine straight from the bottle. “Uh,” she mumbled, feeling her cheeks redden at the sudden attention. “Not much to tell, really,” she brushed off, scanning the faces of those around her uneasily.

“Oh, come on,” Dale laughed good-naturedly, leaning forward to rest his forearms on the table, seeming genuinely intrigued. “There’s gotta be something worth sharing, right?” he looked around the table for agreement, some members of the group nodding in response, before Dale turned back to study her from under his bushy brows. “Why don’t you tell us where you’re from?” he offered, his kind eyes showing nothing but encouragement.

Anna clasped her hands tightly in her lap, digging her thumbnail into the bandage wrapped around her injured palm. “I’m, uh, I’m originally from up North,” she offered quietly, shrugging a shoulder.

“Was wonderin’ why I couldn’t hear an accent,” Rick quipped, smiling supportively in her direction. “So what brought ya down South?” he asked curiously, taking a sip of wine from his glass, staring at Anna from over the rim.

Anna felt her stomach flip and worried for a moment that her meal would reappear on the table in front of her. “My family had to relocate about ten years ago — moved down to Virginia. It was more affordable,” she explained, wringing her hands together in her lap as she addressed the sheriff, wondering if this was how he acted during interrogations.

“Did you go to college? Study anything in school?” Dale pressed, clearly intrigued.

Anna scoffed lightly, shaking her head. “I actually didn’t go to college. Couldn’t afford it.”

“Dale, enough with the twenty questions,” Andrea suddenly snapped, speaking for the first time since they sat down. She looked thoroughly annoyed, rolling her eyes at the old man as she gulped down the rest of her wine.

“What?” Dale laughed, holding his hands out innocently. “Just making friendly conversation, that’s all.”

“It’s fine,” Anna interjected quickly, not wanting to start any drama between the two. If Dale wanted answers, well then damn it, she’d give him some. “I just worked after high school mostly — waitressing, bartending, whatever I could do to make a little cash. My brother worked at an auto shop, so between the two of us, the bills got paid,” she shrugged, answering what was bound to be Dale’s next question.

He nodded thoughtfully, resting his chin atop his clasped hands. “And what did your parents do?”

Anna clenched her jaw, pushing away the inkling of frustration she was beginning to feel, Dale’s inquisition bringing up all of the negative feelings she’d been trying to ignore, all of the pain and grief she’d worked so hard to push away. “My dad was an electrician. Lost his job a couple years back. My mom didn’t work. Spent most of her life in a hospital. We picked Virginia because there were doctor’s down here who could take care of her.”

The room stilled. Anna glanced around, the intensity of everyone’s gaze burning a hole into her flesh, so she trained her eyes down on her clasped hands instead. After a long moment of silence, Dale spoke once more. “Cancer?” he murmured.

Anna’s head jerked up, her gaze boring into his. “How —”

“My wife,” he cut her off before she could ask any further, leaning back in his chair with a heavy sigh. “My wife passed not too long ago from it. You’ve got that look in your eyes — I’ve got it, too. Devastating illness, I’ll say. Nothing you can do but sit and wait, watching the person you love just…just disappear,” he whispered that final word, looking as though he was reliving some kind of painful memory. Anna felt her eyes suddenly water and forced her gaze downward once more. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he finished earnestly, waiting until Anna looked back up to give her a compassionate nod.

“She survived the cancer,” Anna finally muttered, clenching her jaw. “It was the bite that got her.”

The room quieted further, so much so that a pin could drop and Anna would hear it. Her face felt hot under the group’s stare and she hated the pity she could sense in their gazes. She knew Dale meant well, that he was just trying to get to know her, but Anna wasn’t trying to relay her pathetic life story to a group of strangers. She cleared her throat quickly as everyone began breaking off into separate, quiet conversations, a tangible awkwardness that wasn’t there before masking the room.

“Glenn?” Anna murmured once the group’s attention left her, turning to face her newfound friend. “I think I’ll take that drink now.”

Glenn didn’t say anything in return. He simply shot her a sympathetic look and poured her a heaping glass of wine. Anna grabbed the glass with her trembling fingers, exhaling shakily as she chugged the contents in one, long swig. When she pulled the glass away from her lips, her eyes caught sight of Daryl sitting across the table — he was leaning back in his chair, arms crossed against his chest, pensive eyes boring into hers.

The archer was the only person still staring at her, the rest of the group having broken off into side conversations. Anna slowly wiped the moisture from her lips with the back of her hand, leveling his stare, wondering what he could possibly be thinking about in that moment. Her thoughts were interrupted when Glenn nudged her, offering her another glass of wine which she gratefully accepted, pulling her gaze from Daryl’s.

“So when ya gonna tell us what the hell happened here, Doc?” Shane suddenly inquired, his voice drowning out the rest as everyone quieted uncomfortably. “All the, uh, the other doctors that were supposed ta’ be figurin’ out what happened. Where are they?” he asked, glancing around the table as he grabbed his glass, ignoring the pointed stares he was receiving from the rest of the group.

“We’re celebratin’, Shane,” Rick immediately interjected, shooting his friend a look. “Don't need ta’ do this now.”

“Whoa, wait a second,” Shane held up his hand incredulously. “This is why we’re here, right? This was your move,” he continued, directing his words towards Rick. “Supposed ta’, ya know, find all the answers an’ instead we, uh, —“ he broke off, a disbelieving laugh slipping through his lips. “— we found him,” Shane jerked his thumb in Jenner’s direction, his expression turning serious. “We found one man. Why?” he demanded, turning his attention onto Jenner, waiting for him to answer.

A heavy silence settled over the room and Anna took another long drink, relishing in the burning sensation it brought in the pit of her stomach, the effects of the alcohol already warming her body. Maybe if she drank enough, this horribly, uncomfortable tension would disappear — so she took another hearty swig as Jenner suddenly spoke.

“Well, when things got bad, a lot of people just…left,” he began slowly. “Went off to be with their families. And when things got worse — when the military cordon got overrun — the rest bolted,” he murmured, eyes distant as he stared down at the table.

“Every last one?” Shane fired back, his expression smug like he didn’t believe a word Jenner was saying.

“No,” Jenner’s head snapped up, his fiery gaze boring into Shane’s. “Many couldn’t face walking out the door. They…opted out,” he managed, shooting Shane an aggravated look. “There was a rash of suicides,” he explained softly, the group around the table shifting awkwardly, some choosing to drink, others lowering their gazes. “That was a bad time,” he murmured, mostly to himself.

“You didn’t leave,” Andrea suddenly pointed out, genuinely interested. “Why?”

“I just kept working — hoping to do some good,” he finally replied, his tormented eyes locking with Andrea’s.

Another long moment of silence settled over the cafeteria, everyone trapped in their own thoughts, mulling over Jenner’s confession.

From the corner of her eye, Anna saw Glenn stand up and push away from the table. “Dude, you are such a buzzkill, man,” he mumbled in Shane’s direction, clearly annoyed with the reminder of the depressing reality they lived in.

The brief moment of peace had been nice while it lasted.

Everyone seemed ready to head their separate ways for the night, the lighthearted-dinner-turned-heavy having exhausted what little energy they had left. Jenner had brought the group down a long hallway lined with bedrooms, allowing everyone to pick a space to sleep in that night. The mood amongst the group perked up at the mention of something they never thought they’d experience again — a hot shower.

Anna made herself at home in a small, closet-sized bedroom at the end of the hall. There wasn’t much inside — just a rickety cot, a pillow and blanket, and a trunk at the end of the bed — but it was more than enough for her. She was most excited about the tiny bathroom attached to the room — she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d showered properly, her natural stench and those around her something she’d become accustomed to over the past few weeks.

But as she stood below the shower head, letting the scalding water wash over her bruised, tired body, cleansing her flesh of all the dirt and grime it had accumulated over the past few weeks, she felt rush of emotion clog her throat. It may have been the wine coursing through her veins, those two hearty glasses having taken advantage of her demolished tolerance, but for some reason, tears sprung to her eyes.

The CDC was a dead end. There was no one left. There was no cure. There was nothing. Anna wondered if Fort Benning would’ve held the same fate for her.

She sniffled softly, scrubbing her skin raw in the attempt to clean the filth from her body. She shampooed and conditioned her hair twice, a small, disbelieving laugh slipping through her lips as she finally washed the grease from her strands. Once she was done with the washing, she merely stood beneath the shower head, eyes closed, relishing in the moment, unsure when this small miracle would happen again.

The water began to chill and Anna quickly turned the faucet off, her lips frowning as a shiver wracked through her. “Nice while it lasted,” she murmured aloud, her words slightly slurred as she stumbled out of the shower. “Lightweight,” she muttered to herself, rolling her eyes as she grabbed a spare towel and wrapped it around her body.

She wasn’t a big drinker growing up — she spent most of her time working after she turned twenty-one, so she never went through that ‘party faze’ most people her age endured. She and Ben would have a beer after especially tough days at home, but other than that, her experience with alcohol was limited. She had to admit though — it felt pretty damn nice. Everything felt heavy and warm and foggy, like the world had muted around her — the brevity of calm was alluring.

In the midst of serenity, a sudden memory seeped through Anna’s mind.

Anna pushed open the creaking screen door that led outside, spotting Ben sitting on the crumbling front steps. “Hey,” she greeted softly, closing the door shut behind her.

Ben glanced at her from over his shoulder, giving her a short nod and patting the empty space next to him. “How was work?” he murmured as Anna took a seat.

Anna sighed heavily, resting her elbows on her knees. “It was fine. Pretty slow, so made shit tips,” she grumbled, staring at the deteriorating house across the street. It looked incredibly similar to her own — broken shutters, crumbling siding, the interior even worse. But it was cheap. It was affordable. And even though she and Ben were forced to share a tiny, closet-sized bedroom, they had a roof over their heads. That was all they could ask for.

“It’ll pick up,” Ben nodded, his ever-present positivity something Anna envied — although as she peeked a glance at him, she couldn't help but feel that something was off, that something was bothering him.

She nudged his side gently. “What’s up with you?”

Ben exhaled, rubbing a hand over his haggard face, his fingers still stained with grease from his shift at the auto shop earlier that day. He reached for something near his feet, picking up a half-empty beer bottle and taking a long swig before offering it over to Anna. She took a sip, swishing the lukewarm liquid around in her mouth, her stomach unsettled by Ben’s lack of response.

She nudged him again. “Come on, talk to me,” she murmured, locking her fingers around the bottle.

Ben dug the heel of his boot onto the concrete steps, absently brushing his fingertips over the growing stubble on his chin. “Anna, I’m moving out,” he finally mustered.

Anna studied his features for a long moment before turning her eyes downward, studying the beer bottle’s label. She wasn’t surprised. She knew eventually this was going to happen and she’d been preparing for it. “When?” she mumbled.

Ben sighed again. “Couple of days.”

Anna scoffed softly. Now, that she wasn’t expecting. “Where?”

Her brother fidgeted for a moment beside her and she knew by that short pause, she wouldn’t like his answer. “Atlanta.”

Anna’s head snapped up, her fiery gaze boring into his guilty one. “Atlanta?” she shot back incredulously. “You’re moving out of state?”

“It’s not that far,” he defended, rolling his eyes.

“It’s like fourteen hours away, Ben,” she protested, trying to mask how hurt she felt.

Ben shook his head slightly, training his eyes on the house across the street. “It’s nine hours and thirteen minutes, actually.”

Anna scoffed once more, feeling a swell of tears cloud her vision, but she quickly pushed them away. “Well, it might as well be on the other side of the country.”

“Anna, I’m twenty-eight years old. How many twenty-eight-year-olds do you know still live at home?” Ben snapped, huffing in annoyance.

“Our situation is different and you know that,” she shot back pointedly.

“Bullshit!” Ben cussed, standing abruptly, beginning to pace the small portion of sidewalk in front of the steps. “Mom and Dad need to start taking care of themselves — it shouldn’t be on us. We’re their kids, for Christ’s sake! Not the other way around!”

Anna’s brow furrowed, this rare outburst from her brother something she wasn’t used to seeing. “Ben —”

“I mean, at some point we’ve gotta start living for ourselves, right?” he continued, bulldozing over her attempt to calm him. “Right?” he pressed, waiting for Anna’s reply. 

She took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Right,” she finally murmured, squeezing her eyes shut. Her brother was right. He was always right.

When she opened her eyes, Ben was standing in front of her, his expression troubled as he moved to sit beside her once more. “I want you to come with me.”

“I can’t,” Anna retorted before she could even mull over his offer.

Ben shot her an exasperated look. “Well, you can’t stay here.”

“I have to,” Anna shrugged helplessly. “We can’t both leave, Ben.”

“Well, I’m not leaving you alone in this shit-hole neighborhood, in a house that’s about three seconds from caving in on itself,” he fired back, gritting his teeth together in frustration. “You’re twenty-two now and — Jesus, Anna, these are supposed to be the best years of your life. And all you do is work and take care of Mom,” he sighed, his tone soft, expression tense. “What the fuck kinda life is that?”

“Ben, I’m okay,” Anna murmured, nodding her head, trying her best to appear convincing. “Look, it’s not like I’ll be here forever. It’s temporary. And when Dad finds a job, or when Mom’s feeling better, maybe — maybe then I can go.”

A long moment of silence passed where neither of them spoke. “Okay,” Ben suddenly voice, nodding his head. “Okay, we’ll wait until then.”

A look of confusion flashed across Anna’s face. “What’d you —”

“I’m not leaving you. It’s not happening. I’m not gonna go off and leave you to deal with all this shit by yourself,” he stated, steadfast in his change of heart. “Fuck that.”

“Ben, no. I promise I’m fine. You need to do this and —”

“Not without you, Annie. I’m not going anywhere without you.”

Anna felt a pang of guilt shoot through her. “C’mon, Ben. I’m not a little kid anymore. I can take care of myself.”

“Anna —”

“No, listen to me for a second,” Anna interjected firmly, waiting until Ben nodded for her to continue. “Ben, you’ve taken care of me my entire life. Ever since I was four years old and afraid to sleep by myself during thunderstorms,” a quiet laugh bubbled out of Anna as Ben’s eyes softened. “You’ve done more for me than anyone else ever has. So please…please just do this one thing for yourself.”

Ben shook his head slowly, expression torn. “But —”

“No,” Anna snapped, cutting him off. “No, I don’t wanna hear it. I will be just fine. I promise,” she pronounced each word clearly, hoping she’d get through to her brother. “It’s temporary, remember?”

Ben sighed after a lingering moment, long and heavy, shaking his head slightly. “You’ve gotta stop putting everyone else’s needs before your own.”

Anna quirked a smile, ignoring the lump forming in her throat. “I blame you, big brother. You’re the one that raised me, after all,” she teased, but somehow, her words came out heavier than intended.

Ben just shook his head once more, shoulder slumped in defeat. “You’re really not gonna come with me?” he murmured, glancing at Anna from the corner of his eye.

Anna gnawed on her bottom lip for a moment before quirking her brow. “No guy wants their little sister crashing at their bachelor pad — total buzzkill,” she smirked.

Ben nudged her with his elbow. “I don’t mind. You can be my wing woman — help me pick up chicks,” he waggled his eyebrows at her and Anna felt a laugh push its way out from deep in her gut.

“Maybe when I come to visit,” she grinned, taking a swig from the beer bottle before passing it back to her brother.

Ben brought the bottle to his lips, finishing its contents, before slinging an arm around Anna’s shoulders and pressing a kiss to the side of her head. “Whenever you’re ready to leave, you’ve got a place with me. You know that, right?”

A soft smile spread across Anna’s features despite the growing pain in her heart. Still, she sighed, resting her head on Ben’s shoulder. “Right.”

Anna snapped back to reality as another chill coursed through her.

That had been five years ago — five years ago that she and Ben had sat on those steps and had that conversation. She’d had every intention of picking up and moving to Atlanta, but for some reason, it’d never happened. Her dad had never found a job with steady income, her mom’s health had only deteriorated, and she herself had never found the courage to make that final step.

Anna had visited Ben a handful of times once he’d moved — she’d drive to the city and stay the weekend, he’d show her around and introduce her to his new friends, and they’d talk about what her life would look like once she made the move herself. But over the years, time and distance ran its natural course and Anna found herself seeing less and less of her big brother…

Anna quickly pushed away the painful memory and toweled off before she wiped the steam from the bathroom mirror, getting a good look at herself clean for the first time in God knows how long. Although she was much bonier now, her face worn and tired, she was beginning to see a semblance of who she used to be — maybe there was hope in this place after all.

She grabbed a clean comb from one of the sink drawers and went to work untangling the mess of knots her hair had become. It took her a solid twenty minutes to undo the damage done, but in the end, her hair was clean, combed and looking healthy. 

Anna found some spare clothes in the trunk at the foot of the bed and slipped into them — she tried to ignore the nagging thoughts of who these clothes used to belong to. They were a bit loose on her, the sweatpants hanging off her hips and the t-shirt baggy, but they were clean. This was turning out to be one of the best nights of her life.

After getting all settled, feeling fresh and like herself again, Anna felt the sudden urge to explore. When would this opportunity ever come again? The CDC was a fortress. There were no hidden dangers lurking, no untended to threats waiting to strike. And it wasn’t like she was going to sleep much — her mind was a constant ticking time bomb, her dreams plagued with nightmares. She wanted to explore.

Anna crept out of her room, the hallway quiet, the rest of the group having either turned in for the night or off doing something else. She meandered down hall after hall, peeking into the rooms with open doors — she checked out the recreational room where she ran into Carol and the kids, she found the library, the walls covered with hundreds of dusty books — before she decided to try upstairs.

She found the elevator Jenner had brought them to when they’d first arrived and made her way up to the main floor. The lobby was eerily quiet, vast and vacant, concealed in darkness as she walked out of the elevator. But as soon as she entered the space, the main lights automatically turned on, sensing her presence.

She spotted the main doors that her group had arrived at earlier that night, the steel door returned firmly in place. Tilting her head up, she breathed in awe at that cascading glass windows that lined the broad ceiling. But just as she turned to make her way back towards the elevator, she spotted someone slouched on the staircase near the front window.

“Glenn?” Anna murmured softly, recognizing his trademark baseball cap first.

His head snapped in her direction, a lazy smile slipping across his features. “Anna!” he grinned, holding his arms out, one hand clasped firmly around the neck of a wine bottle.

Anna snorted a laugh. “What the hell are you doing up here? Sitting in the dark, might I add?” she pointed out as she approached the stairs.

“Oh, the, uh…” Glenn fumbled for the right words, scratching the side of his head. “The lights! Yeah, the — the lights turned off an’ I, uh, didn’t really kinda know how to sorta turn them on,” he shrugged, words slurred and incoherent. “Oh...well, m’ drunk,” he hiccuped, resting his elbows on the stair behind him.

Anna rolled her eyes, sighing as she took a seat beside Glenn on the stairway. “They’re motion sensors, I think,” she murmured, glancing out the window that gave sight to the outdoors. In the distance, she could spot the RV, but in front of that was a graveyard full of the dead. She shivered when she realized that she could’ve very well been one of them had Jenner not allowed them inside.

“Here,” Glenn mumbled, passing her the bottle of wine, which she happily accepted, taking a long swig.

“So, are you originally from around here?” Anna inquired, taking one more sip before passing it back to Glenn.

He shook his head. “Michigan. Moved — uh, moved to Atlanta after college. Got a job —” he hiccuped, “— deliverin’ pizzas. It was awesome. Was livin’ the dream,” he sang the last couple of words, using the wine bottle as a microphone before swaying from where he sat, his skin losing its color all of the sudden.

“Oh, boy, you really are drunk,” Anna laughed, grabbing his shoulder to stop his swaying.

Glenn groaned, dropping his head down to his chest and rubbing his eyes. “S’ Daryl’s fault,” he grumbled incoherently. “He — he wanted this and — and now,” hiccup, “now he got it.”

Anna felt the corner’s of her mouth quirk up as she patted Glenn’s back understandingly. She sighed softly, resting her elbows on her knees, her chin in her hand. Thoughts of the archer suddenly invaded her mind and although she’d promised herself she wasn’t going to bother with Daryl anymore, something was nagging at her. It could’ve been the booze, ‘liquid courage' as Ben used to say, but Anna found herself speaking before she could stop herself. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Mhm?” Glenn hummed, forcing his gaze towards her.

Anna paused, tucking a strand of her still-wet hair behind her ear, carefully formulating her next words. “What’s the deal with Daryl?” she spoke slowly, cautiously, part of her chastising herself for breaking her ‘no more Dixon drama’ rule. 

But she couldn't help herself — it was now or never. She was intoxicated and Glenn probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning anyway.

So it was time to get some fucking answers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N : Oh man, I can’t wait until y’all see what I’ve got in store for you in the next chapter...

Lots happened in this chapter!

Thanks to Dale’s interrogation, we got to learn a bit about Anna.

Shoutout to @jodiereedus22 for inspiring that little flashback moment! Ugh, I just love Anna and Ben’s relationship - even though he left, but can you blame the man?!

Also, loving the budding friendship between Anna and Glenn/drunk Glenn.

And next chapter...we’re finally getting some answers involving the mystery that is Daryl Dixon! Stay tuned!

QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Why do you think Daryl’s got such an especially large chip on his shoulder when it comes to Anna? From her understanding, it’s unwarranted...but there may be more that’s happened than she realizes. Any ideas?

Feedback is INCREDIBLY important. I write for my own happiness, but I also write for YOU. So don’t be afraid to shoot me an ask or message or leave a comment with your thoughts! It truly motivates me and helps move along the writing process. Let’s discuss and be friends!

If you want to be notified when I post again, let me know and I’ll add you to my tag list!

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CULT WIP Hi there~! So I'm working on a cult WIP and I know a common way to control people in a cult is sleep deprivation. I've looked through your sleep related tags and the cult one, but right now I'm wondering about the long con of sleep deprivation. My idea is that to keep people controlled they get less sleep than they should (your posts have made me up it from three hours per night to five per night) and the higher ups in the cult are allowed the full amount of sleep they need; (1/2)

CULT WIP (2/3) that way they operate better than others. I've jotted down a bunch of effects you've brought up but here's the thing. What if that sleep deprivation lasts forever? Like it's just a normal part of life once you hit adulthood? (I don't think kids could withstand it so I figured just not to do it). I know the Heaven's Gate cult used a lot of sleep deprivation and they lasted for ~three years so there must be some way to/balance to keep people functional, I just can't think of how.CULT WIP (3/3) Not actually part of the question but I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this blog!! It's fascinating, especially for me since I'm in grad school to be a therapist so that aspect is really interesting, and you put an incredible amount of work into all this. ~Jessica

Thankyou, it’s always nice to hear I’ve been helpful. :)

I’mgoing to go into this one with the caveat that so far as I know, noone has done this experiment. There isn’t a studied group of peoplewho have been restricted (or restricted themselves) to five hours ofsleep a night every day for their entire adult life. There are peoplewho’ve done this for a number of years and people who do this 5-6nights a week and then sleep more on the weekend for decades at atime. Now all three situations are bad for someone, but a thoroughstatistical analysis on a decent sample size might show differencesbetween them.

Sopart of this is what we know happens to the first two groups and partof it is extrapolating based on that.

Thefirst thing we knowhappens (based on the two studied groups) is a shorter, unhealthierlife.

Ihesitate to put a figure on how much shorter because it seems to varyquite a bit between individuals and I don’t know of any statisticalstudies that have put a number on it. But I think you can safely takeat least ten years off every character’s life expectancy based onthis alone.

Therates of a lotof different diseases and conditions increase. Cancer rates rise, formultiple forms of cancer. Rates of strokes and heart attacks rise.Dementia rates rise.

Nowall of those conditions are usually diseases of age. You canhave a heart attack or a cancer diagnosis as a young person, but thechances of it happening are much more likely after you hit about40-50.Lack of sleep doesn’t seem to effect the age these conditionsmanifest. It doeseffect the chances of them happening in vulnerable ages though.

Essentiallyif you take a group of 40-50 year old non-cultists from your valleysetting (I hope you don’t mind me looking at your blog? Lovelypictures by the way) less of them will have or have had cancer,strokes, heart attacks and early signs of dementia. As the populationages further the gap will become starker. Less of the cultists willsurvive to their 70-80s and those that do will be less healthy thenthe non-cultists.

Diabetesrates also increase with lack of sleep. This doesn’t appear to beage related. It is however unclear whether it’s because of theeffect lack of sleep has on the immune system or because of theeffect it has on our appetites. People who sleep less eat more andtheir bodies drive them towards more high fat and high sugar foods.

Idon’t understand the link between weight and diabetes very well, soI’m not going to talk about it in any depth. The general point I’mdriving at is that if your cult tightly controls diet that mightcounteract the rise in predisposition to diabetes. But the data isn’tentirely clear on that point.

There’salso a general rise in illness and infections. That contributes todecreased life expectancy but also means more sick days. Less timewhen any one individual can productively work.

Partof what this is gearing towards is this: I’m not sure it would bepossible to consistently keep someone on five hours sleep a nightonly for their entire life without a huge death rate.

It’sthe illnesses. I think if cult members were denied sleep while sick(especially if they’re also forced to work or their diet iscontrolled) then- well I think there’d be a lot more people dyingfrom common, preventable illnesses. Not instantly. Not within thefirst decade. But in the longer term or thirty or so years.

Onthe other hand if the cultists who are ill aregetting enough sleep then you don’t strictly have five hours sleepa night for the rest of their lives. What you’ve got instead issomething more like ‘five hours sleep a night until you reachphysical collapse, then you can rest’.

That’sextremely unhealthy, painful and harmful. But it’s less likely tokill so many people so quickly.

Partof the issue is how ‘functional’ the characters need to be. Atfive hours, it would be dangerous to drive or operate other heavymachinery. Accidents would be more likely. Mistakes would be morelikely.

Butthat doesn’t mean these characters couldn’t do most of the day today tasks required to keep a small community going.

It’snot that the cooking couldn’t get done, it’s that the chances ofdropping a pan full of boiling water on someone’s foot is a lothigher. Less that complex tasks can’t get done and more that they’dtake longer, be completed less well, less effectively and there’dbe a higher chance of accidents on the way.

Incidentallyif a big part of this story is the standard tactic of elite membersof the group making other members feel less confident in themselves-usethis effect of sleep deprivation to help accomplish that.Because people who are sleep deprived thinkthey are physically and mentally capable of more than they are.

Youcan sit them down and say ‘Listen S, the low amount of work you’vegotten through this month is unacceptable. We agreed that you couldfinish this project in a week and it’s taken two. You’re just nottrying hard enough’

Andtheywill agree.Because they don’t know how impaired they are. It’sone of the stranger effects that consistently shows up in testing andI feel like it’s very relevant here.

Theincrease in workplace accidents is also affected by the decrease inimmune function. Accidents are more likely andrecovery from them takes longer.

Theother thing that stands out to me is the effect this would have onthe living environment generally.

Sleepdeprived people are emotionally volatile. They also tend towardsbeing distrustful of others and paranoia. Again this isn’tsomething they necessarily recognise.

Whichmakes for a pretty horrendous environment when you think about alarge group of people living in fairly close quarters andunable to really avoid each other.

Thinkabout how this meshes with the rise in accidents, forgetfulness andgeneral tiredness that go along with sleep deprivation and you’llsee what I mean. Someone drops the hot pan and it just misses someoneelse’s foot- was it deliberate? Someone forgets where they putsomething- obviously it was stolen. There was a stray shoe left outin the hall and a character almost tripped over it- clearly whoeverleft it there knew thatcharacter could/would trip.

Andso forth.

Fromthe point of view of your cult leaders this sort of misery andemotional upheaval is a positive. It makes it harder for people toorganise or relate in an authentic way to each other in the longterm. It couldmake it especially hard for parents and children to keep up apositive relationship, comparedto the relationship the children could have with the cult leaders.

Becausethe parents will always be too tired, too grumpy, too unpredictable,to relate well to a young child. Whereas the well rested cult leaderscould appear calmer, kinder andseem to have more time.

There’svariation within all of this obviously. Despite damagingcircumstances some people do live to a ripe old age and don’tdevelop cancer more than ‘normal’ people would (chemistryprofessors over 80 are an interesting breed). Some people may stillbe able to show some patience and kindness despite the effects sleepdeprivation has on emotional regulation.

Moneyand treatment can also extend the life of someone who is routinelysleep deprived and suffers from multiple health problems as a result.

Ifyou’ve read my previous posts then I think you’ll have an idea ofindividual symptoms and how they get progressively worse. A lot ofthis ask was me- not just trying to map out what the indefinite timeframe you have would look like but the effect it would have on agroup and the relationships within that group.

Ihope that helps. :)

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A Positive Review of AVG Free Version Software

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AVG free programming is superior to the remainder of the ones I've attempted trust me. AVG programming is accessible in two fundamental structures; the primary (which we are discussing) is a free form appropriate for home PCs that are not organized and the second is a compensation variant, which is great for home or independent venture organizations. AVG programming is intended to make powerful PC insurance reasonable for each association while likewise being not difficult to utilize. The AVG Anti-Virus arrangement is straight forward, with a couple of snaps when refreshing of the infection definitions, your Free AVG programming is prepared. The stunt with AVG programming is to arrange it so it adequately identifies the most recent infections.

Not exclusively is the Software is Free

Free help and backing: Technical help, new program updates, and recognition refreshes are completely included with the product, nonstop and across the globe. Detriments AVG Free antivirus: doesn't perceive all infections (individual experience). It is anyway a Solid programming, as a free form, it doesn't go through your memory like Norton and McAfee does. Its awesome I have it and I will download it again as it has been excellent for my PC. The rating I've seen is: 5 Posted by: megDate: 14 Jan 2007AVG Free Edition 7. This totally free full-highlighted Internet security arrangement is prepared to ensure your PC hotel 5 Minutes. AVG Free Virus Software let me know that I had 675 infections in my PC on the primary sweep. I without a doubt sincerely suggest even the free form.

The AVG Software exhaustively

AVG programming is intended to secure your PC against pernicious programming and will give you genuine serenity as you surf the Internet. It has Great consumer loyalty. Since the AVG programming is absolutely FREE, you can download and Register the most recent form thoroughly FREE. With regards to against infection programming there are as many projects professing to have arrangements, as there are infections to be shielded from; AVG spyware programming gives a demonstrated answer for most PC clients spyware issues. AVG programming and its other PC ensuring projects can work on the security of home organizations and independent companies. It gets treats and other spyware that product like Norton or McAfee Anti Virus may not get. A: Norton programming is infamous for making PCs run all the more leisurely. In any case, it is additionally basic to recollect that any security programming is just an apparatus; assuming it's hard to utilize or comprehend, it won't give full insurance and will venture out from home and business PCs defenseless against assault.

The AVG Protection

AVG programming ensures against an expansive scope of dangers, ongoing security while you surf and visit on the web. It has a little impression requiring negligible framework assets, Integrated Anti-Virus and Anti-Spyware motor for quicker examining, Intuitive UI and as said, Free Support and administration nonstop and across the globe. AVG is an honor winning product offering, ensured by autonomous testing organizations all over the planet (VB100%, ICSA, West Coast Labs, Checkmark) Sample Packages. The AVG Internet Security 3 Pack truly gives fundamental insurance from infections, spyware, spam, programmers, and then some. It gives sufficient security to your PC and its free. Any individual who is hoping to refresh their PCs security should attempt AVG spyware assurance; after all there is an unconditional promise or a free form to browse. AVG Anti-Virus Free Edition is one of the most famous answers for give fundamental security insurance on home and non-business PCs.

With regards to Security

Download a free preliminary AVG Internet Security answer for complete insurance against the present developing security dangers. At the AVG Internet Security Control Center is the AVG Update Bulletin. The AVG Update Bulletin is a discretionary email you can choose that will furnish you with data concerning the accessibility of new updates, current infection flare-ups, spyware dangers, spam plagues and other significant news. With this new age of dangers spreading across the web, it is imperative that organizations embrace a way to deal with network security that recognizes it's not just about infections any more.

AVG security programming is planned in all cases to be hard on dangers and simple on you, giving: Protection against the present expansive scope of dangers. It has Real-time security while clients are dealing with the web, a little impression requiring negligible framework assets and incorporated enemy of infection and hostile to spyware motor for quicker examining. It has Remote organization for simplicity of the executives, programmed refreshes conveyed as regularly depending on the situation, free help and administration nonstop and across the globe and security that is guaranteed by the main autonomous testing offices (VB100%, ICSA, West Coast Labs' Checkmark).

End

At the point when you go to download the 'free' programming, you will consistently observe bunches of buttons to download a (period restricted) Free TRIAL of the 'proficient' (or whatever) variant. A DELL agent said it was a decent program so; I downloaded it to my PC. Subsequent to utilizing AVG I affirm Grisoft's AVG programming has a total, economical, and simple to-utilize against infection bundle worth filling companions in about.

UK supply hit delay delivery Covid vaccine by India

UK supply hit delay delivery Covid vaccine by India

An expected reduction in the UK's Covid vaccine supply in April is partly due to a delay in a delivery from India of five million Oxford-AstraZeneca doses.

The shipment, produced by the Serum Institute of India, has been held up by four weeks, the BBC has been told.

Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick said neither a single factory nor a country was responsible for supply issues.

The Department of Health insists it is still on track to offer a first dose to all adults by the end of July.

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NHS England warned of a reduction in supply in April in a letter to local health organisations on Wednesday.

The Scottish government said it was "seeking clarity" from the UK Vaccine Taskforce on future supplies, while the governments in Wales and Northern Ireland said they were examining how their own vaccine programmes could be affected.

A spokesperson for the Serum Institute said: "Five million doses had been delivered a few weeks ago to the UK and we will try to supply more later, based on the current situation and the requirement for the government immunisation programme in India."

A source told the BBC that although the original aim had been to deliver the next five million in March, there was not a stipulated time for the delivery of the doses.

Mr Jenrick told the BBC that the government had learned of vaccine supply issues "in the last few days".

He said the UK had less supply of the vaccine "than we might have hoped for in the coming weeks but we expect it to increase again through the course of April".

The vaccine rollout would be "slightly slower than we might have hoped but not slower than the target we had set ourselves" of offering a first dose to all people aged over 50 by 15 April, and all adults by the end of July, he said.

Anyone with an appointment for a second jab "should have complete confidence" that they will go ahead, he said, adding: "The month of April will be different - and it was always going to be - because I think this will be the month that second jabs exceed first jabs."

Under-50s 'will have to wait'

On Monday NHS sources said there would be a big increase in the number of people being offered vaccinations in the coming days after the UK received the first shipment of the AstraZeneca vaccine from India.

Prof Martin Marshall, chair of the Royal College of GPs, said over the next two weeks the NHS would be pushing on with vaccinating over-50s and vulnerable people while it had a "bumper supply".

He said the announcement of a shortage was "disappointing" news and it would impact "the group we were hoping to start on in April which is the people under the age of 50 without any pre-existing conditions" who would now have to wait until May.

More than 25 million people in the UK have had a first dose of a Covid vaccine, while around 1.7 million have had a second jab.

After opening up appointments to all over-50s on Wednesday, the NHS in England was then told not to offer jabs to younger age groups throughout April.

Prof Adam Finn, a member of the government's Joint Committee for Vaccinations and Immunisation (JCVI), said the disruption to supply meant the UK's rollout would be going from "extremely fast to somewhat less fast", rather than "juddering to a halt".

He told BBC Radio 4's Today programme that the supply issues could affect infection rates but should not have an impact on hospital admissions, as those who are most vulnerable to Covid-19 were being prioritised for the jab.

The Serum Institute of India is the world's largest manufacturer of vaccines and is making one billion doses of the AstraZeneca jab this year for low and middle-income countries.

Its chief executive, Adar Poonawalla, has previously called for patience over global vaccine deliveries, saying the company has been "directed to prioritise the huge needs of India".

He has also raised concerns about raw material shortages, attributing this to US export bans on specific items needed to make vaccines, such as specialised bags and filters.

Earlier this month, it agreed to supply 10 million doses for the UK, but only half of these will arrive this month with the rest delayed for several weeks.

The rest of the UK's AstraZeneca doses are being produced domestically and the company says there are no supply issues.

Pfizer, which produces its vaccine in Belgium, says its deliveries to the NHS are also on track.

The UK has also approved a third vaccine - Moderna, which is due to start being rolled out in late spring.

More than 400 million doses of Covid vaccines have been ordered by the UK, including jabs made by Valneva, GlaxoSmithKline, Novavax and Janssen, which are yet to be approved.

Predicting what supply is available in the future is difficult. Vaccine production is a biological process so manufacturers can never absolutely guarantee how much will be available.

When you are relying on supplies from abroad there's an added element of complexity.

The UK only has two plants that are currently producing an approved vaccine - both make the AstraZeneca jab. Stocks of Pfizer come from Belgium. Both these supply routes are currently delivering what has been forecast.

A deal was done with India to supply 10 million doses. But it was always made clear the exact date of shipment could not be absolutely guaranteed.

The government had understood the full shipment would arrive in time for mid-March and felt it needed to get vaccination clinics ready to do extra doses. They have now had to be stood down.

It comes after expectations were ramped up at the weekend after briefing to the media that the target to offer all adults a jab by the end of July could be hit a month early.

Those hopes now seem to have been dashed. Another reminder of just how fragile supply is.

The European Medicines Agency (EMA) is due on Thursday to release the findings of an investigation into cases of blood clots in a handful of Oxford-AstraZeneca jab recipients.

Several European countries have paused the use of the vaccine but the regulator has said there was "no indication" it caused the clots.

The World Health Organization has urged countries not to halt vaccinations.

A further 141 people in the UK have died within 28 days of a positive test, according to figures updated on Wednesday from the UK government. A further 5,758 people have tested positive.

Why U.S. Cruises Are Still Stuck in Port In October, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention lifted its “no sail” order on U.S. cruise ships and set out a framework that would allow them to start sailing again, bringing relief and hope to a decimated industry — and to many cruise fans. And then, nothing. Nearly six months later, cruise lines are still waiting for technical instructions from the agency, which will allow them to prepare their ships for simulation voyages, designed to test whether they can safely sail. In other parts of the world, the industry is stirring to life. Some cruise lines plan to restart domestic cruises in Europe later this month and voyages around the British Isles are scheduled for June, when lockdown restrictions are expected to be lifted. Royal Caribbean is running cruises to Greece from the Israeli port of Haifa this spring that will require all the crew and passengers on board to be fully vaccinated. The C.D.C. says its current focus is working with cruise lines to implement the initial phase requirements of testing all crew and setting up onboard labs as part of a step-by-step approach for the return of passenger cruising. The framework includes extensive testing, quarantine measures and social distancing, but the details remain unclear. “Future orders and technical instructions will address additional activities to help cruise lines prepare for and return to passenger operations in a manner that mitigates Covid-19 risk among passengers, crew members, including simulated voyages, certification for conditional sailing and restricted voyages,” the agency said in a statement. The halt on sailings, first issued for American cruises on March 14 last year, has ravaged the cruise industry, with companies reporting billions of dollars in losses, causing some of them to downsize their fleets and sell ships for scrap. Now, with vaccinations underway across the world and infection rates dropping in some regions, cruise companies are scrambling to prepare their ships for a gradual return starting in Europe and Asia. In the United States, cruise fans will likely have to wait at least until the fall. “We are hopeful for this year,” said Colleen McDaniel, editor in chief of the cruise news site Cruise Critic. “There have already been some success stories out of Europe where cruise lines have shown that they’ve got great protocols in place, that they are committed to adhering to them, that they can keep passengers in a bubble and that they can do effective testing. We can expect those learnings to help inform cruising in the United States.” While the timetable remains fluid, here’s what we can expect from cruising over the next few months. When will I be able to go on a cruise again? Good question. Most cruise ships remain idled in open waters or in ports across the globe as sailings continue to be postponed or canceled. In Europe, some of the smaller cruise lines are planning to restart operations later this month. AIDA Cruises has scheduled an excursion around the Canary Islands from March 20 and will be followed by Costa Cruises, which plans to resume Italian sailings on March 27. MSC Cruises is also planning a European voyage in May that will only be open to passengers living in the European Union’s Schengen zone. Last summer, some cruise companies resumed operations in Europe with strict health and safety protocols but shut them down again in the fall after some ships reported cases of Covid-19 and the region went back into lockdown in response to a resurgence of the virus. In Britain, domestic cruises could begin from May 17, when lockdowns on the hospitality sector are expected to be eased, the ministry of transport said earlier this month. Updated  March 19, 2021, 5:48 a.m. ET Princess, P & O, Cunard and Hurtigruten are among the cruise lines that have announced “staycation sailings” around the British Isles this summer. Some ships will sail around the country’s coastline without calling at any ports, while others will offer shore excursions. “People are very excited to start cruising again and we are seeing tons of demand right now, particularly in the expedition space,” said John Downey, the president of the Americas for Hurtigruten, a Norwegian line specializing in expedition cruises. “We will continue to focus on amazing, remote destinations where our guests are more often surrounded by wildlife and nature rather than human populations,” he added. “With stringent health protocols we put in place, we feel very comfortable about the safety of our guests and crew.” Why is the United States lagging? Major cruise companies are waiting for the C.D.C. to issue technical requirements to help them prepare their ships for sailings. They must then give the C.D.C. 30 days notice before starting test cruises with volunteer crew and passengers and will have to apply for a conditional sailing certificate 60 days before a planned regular voyage. “The reality is that there was no way the cruise lines could adhere to the guidelines the C.D.C. set back in October and start sailing again because they provided two-thirds of the pieces for the puzzlesaid Stewart Chiron, a cruise industry analyst and C.E.O. of the site cruiseguy.com, referring to the missing technical details in the conditional sailing order. “They are waiting for it now and they expect them to update their guidance because it was issued before the vaccines were rolled out and a lot has changed since then,” Mr. Chiron added. Cruise executives say they expect the C.D.C. to issue the technical requirements soon. What’s going on with Alaskan cruises? Little known quirks of maritime law have led some cruise lines that specialize in Alaskan expeditions to cancel all sailings from ports in the Lower 48 states through the end of 2021. Though they seem like American companies, many of the big cruise lines like Princess and Holland America, are, in fact, foreign-owned. According to United States law, foreign-flagged cruise ships are not permitted to cruise between U.S. ports without first visiting at least one foreign port. So cruises from Western cities like Seattle have typically stopped in Vancouver, Canada, on their way to Alaska. But in February, Canadian authorities extended their ban on cruising through February 2022, effectively shutting down the Alaskan cruise business until then. Earlier this month, senators introduced a bill that would waive the requirement that ships stop in a foreign port, but a vote could still be months off. While Alaska cruises are on hold, cruise companies are pivoting to offer land tours of the state using their lodging and tour networks. What safety measures will be in place? With coronavirus measures constantly changing, it is difficult to predict exactly what cruises will look like, especially in the United States. Last year, the Cruise Lines International Association, the industry group that represents most of the largest cruise companies, announced a mandatory set of health protocols that will be implemented as part of a phased-in resumption of operations. The core elements include: Testing: 100 percent of passengers and crew will be tested for Covid-19 before embarkation. Mask-Wearing: All passengers and crew will have to wear masks onboard and during excursions whenever they can’t physically distance. Distancing: Physical distancing in terminals, onboard ships, on private islands and during shore excursions will be required. Ventilation: Air management and ventilation strategies to increase fresh air onboard must be in place and, where feasible, enhanced filters and other technologies to mitigate risk will be used. Medical Capability: Each ship must have a plan to manage possible medical needs and must allocate cabins for isolation in case of an outbreak. Advance arrangements must be made with providers of onshore transportation and medical facilities. Shore Excursion: Operators must set health and safety protocols and make sure passengers comply. Those who don’t will be prohibited from re-boarding. “Ultimately, our decisions will be informed by our global medical and science experts and the requirements of the places we operate and visit,” said Roger Frizzell, a spokesman for Carnival Corporation. “Our highest responsibility and top priorities are compliance, environmental protection, and the health, safety and well-being of our guests, crew and the communities we visit.” Will vaccinations be required? Some companies are reluctant to depend on testing alone, after the SeaDream 1, a ship that had aspired to be a model for a safe return to cruising, cut short its Caribbean voyage last year because several passengers tested positive for the coronavirus, despite the fact they’d had a negative test before boarding. Most major cruise lines have not decided whether they will require vaccinations for future sailings and are waiting for further scientific guidance once inoculation becomes more widespread around the globe. In Britain, Saga Cruises and P & O said that they would require all guests to be fully vaccinated before boarding their ships throughout 2021. Royal Caribbean announced sailings from Israel to Greece in May, where all crew members and passengers over the age of 16 must be vaccinated. “It is really exciting to see how quickly and dramatically the science has advanced, even in just a few weeks,” said Richard D. Fain,chairman and C.E.O. of the Royal Caribbean Group. “We’ve been getting more and more experience with sailings abroad out of Germany, Singapore, the Canary Islands and Italy and we will continue to learn and adapt as new knowledge and scientific discoveries like the vaccine come to the fore.” Follow New York Times Travel on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. And sign up for our weekly Travel Dispatch newsletter to receive expert tips on traveling smarter and inspiration for your next vacation. Dreaming up a future getaway or just armchair traveling? Check out our 52 Places list for 2021. Source link Orbem News #Cruises #port #stuck

*collapses onto bed*

My chest is killing me today... Been hard to breathe for a few days now. I don't think it's anything particularly serious (no crackling noises, so probably just anxiety or whatever is wrong with my heart- obvs not a big deal cuz those test results are still not in my chart)... But I also just feel so drained after work... Struggled through every day this week and have today and tomorrow of not easy as well... Though hopefully more pleasant...

I'm so tired of... Everything in the world. I just want to crawl into my shell and hide away for a while.. but I can't do that. Adulting and responsibilities for one, and obligations to be a good friend and family member for two... Though less now because I no longer have at least one other friend... Which means I don't have any of his friends either by all reports... Woo...

...

I don't want to kick People out of my work anymore... And it appears the owner of the place doesn't want me even asking people to wear masks despite our county AND branch mandate... So the 'solution' is for me to leave people alone. I'm supposed to just let people get away with anything and everything and serve them and more... And I just.. yeah probably anxiety. Makes my chest hurt to think about. Not only ILLEGAL to ask me to do... But so wrong...

Of course I can... But I just.. CAN'T, you know? Sure it's technically possible... But it's one of those invisible barrier things. Morally it's SO wrong I just... Can't bring myself to... To do it.

Sure it's mostly for me because I'm FREAKED OUT I'm going to get Covid (or something else) and be unable to work.. But also I've got 13 People I'm in direct contact with to worry about... Let alone who THEY are in contact with!!! 💔 And that doesn't include my coworkers... The other guests... Or even the other workers who enter our establishment. My heart seizes every time I think about it. Like NO!!! We should NOT be letting people COMING FROM OUT OF STATE AND INFECTED COUNTIES get away with not wearing masks!!! Because if they don't HERE, who's to say they're aren't wearing them elsewhere?! In fact it's HIGHLY LIKELY they're NOT 😭😭😭

... oof... Ouch ouch ouch...

*sigh*

I need this job. Badly. Do I want it? *Laughs quietly* .. I want to help my friends and co-workers, sure... But if I could be doing a remote job instead.. or even one that doesn't face People... Oh how I wish I could have that instead... Or, you know... Be able to sit at home doing what I want while collecting unemployment? YES PLEASE... But nah... Only my ex has the privilege of doing that. Not even his parents get to do that... But judging by his mail still being sent here... He's on it again. And he was on it for so long with those bonuses (and not going out and spending every week due to my worry) that he was able to afford a brand new Lexus...

I should probably not let myself think of that... But I'm so hurt that shitbags get to sit on their asses and be rewarded while those of us who are doing our best and mean every kindness get shit on and walk away with wounds and fear and STILL barely enough to scrape by.... It's no wonder I'm insane and drive everything good out of my life... I want to break out of the poverty cycle... And yet... Idk how. To scared to go back and finish school... I'm almost out of debt for going one year... And it's been 8 since I took that year. 8 years to pay off ONE year of schooling.. and people in the fields I want to pursue aren't doing any better unless they're PERFECT at their job... Which I'm not perfect. 😅 ... I try to apply for better positions to finally kickstart a career, but I'm not the young person with potential anymore so I get passed up for younger people or (more understandably) People with more experience in the area they're looking OR (worst of all) for more well liked friends and family members of the hiring managers... I can't even get work at places my family is anymore because I'm just... Me and problematic... I can't work as hard as I used to (and even when I did work that hard, again, I'm nuts so I've used all my chances and scared them all away).... It's disheartening. It makes the insanity worse because I'm scared all the time and get more hopeless with each 'we've gone another direction'...

It's the same story.. again and again and again with me.... And idk what to do...

I'm in therapy... I'm TRYING very hard... I'm doing good every place I can... But it just doesn't feel like enough.

I'm trying so hard not to feel depressed and so low too... To not throw myself pity parties and just do better!! Do better!! Do better!! .... Wait it out!! It'll get better!!!

Well... It never has... It's only gotten worse... The best I had was that Phlebotomy gig... And that was a whole bag of bad in itself... The only good thing about it at all, really, was that I enjoyed my hours and the work. That's it. Even that wasn't enough to make me stay with it when I stopped being treated as a person but just a money maker when the company got bought out... When they moved my hours and started demanding more for the same pay...

I imagine it's only going to get worse because I can't get a shoe in anywhere.... All the good jobs are already taken or have someone lined up for them... And I just... It's so hard not to be depressed by that. Especially being stuck on Night audit when the rest of the world is day shift... Having to fuck up my sleep and more just to get groceries even... (I totally understand pandemic stuff, but it's supposed to turn permanent so... All night shifters get shafted anyway)... It's not healthy...

But I don't have a choice. Even when I try to... I don't have a choice... And annoyingly of course I have that stupid shitbag's voice going through my head of 'oh they won't hire you for this reason' or 'oh that's a shit job, don't apply for that' or.. or... Ugh... I need to let all that go on top of all of this... But damn it all... Once the dam breaks, EVERYTHING floods out... Everything I've kept at bay...

There's nothing anyone can do for me unless I do stuff myself... More than I am doing... And it hurts too because I'm pushing myself as hard as I can... But it's not as hard as others can and I'm so far behind... I can't... I can't fix it fast enough... Doesn't matter how much I focus on it!!

I ask how I can help or how I can get into Peoples good graces again or if I can ask a favor and all they tell me is 'focus on yourself'... Not realizing (even though I've told them) I need your HELP!! I need other ideas!!! better work!! I need your good word even and my mental state will Drastically improve!!! Please!!! But I'm just nuts... And need to be less nuts... on my own... And it's just.. THIS IS HOW PEOPLE GO NUTS... Being alone all the time. Being the responsible party all the time.. never getting breaks... Like I said... I know I've used all my breaks up... So I shouldn't even be asking or complaining.. I know...

If I want people to reach out to me.. nope. sorry, not going to happen. It's up to me to reach out to them.

If I ask people to do me a favor like looking into a job... Nope, sorry already taken, or (more commonly) just apply and see what happens!! I can't help you (though they help others and even OFFER the position to other friends/family--- namely my step mom offering a position to my little sister that she doesn't want, that I've expressed real interest in AND have mentioned I'm looking for work in... aND I have experience in!! Nope.. completely.. completely ignored AND despite the fact that she has sway... My application will probably be tossed anyway... And I'm Just... I feel destroyed by this)

I should probably just stop here. I'm.. I'm so upset and yet I know.. I KNOW this is all my fault... I've.. made mistakes.. and gone without help I need for so long.. and pushed people away (mostly unintentionally, but obvs that doesn't matter)... And now I'm in this spot where I can ONLY help myself.. and it's so obvious to everyone else, though I feel I could use help people are capable of providing...

I just want to die...

But I don't even want to do that because I actually want so much more for my life and those around me... But not being here would be so much easier and less painful... I'm just a stupid placeholder to make other people feel better. Which, as important as that is, REALLY SUCKS for the person stuck with the job.

I tried so hard for so long.. and I THINK I did good to lift others up, to support them and help them get themselves out of the holes they've dug- those mostly older than myself even.... But to get to the point where that's where I'm at... And simply to have a shovel dropped on my head because I'm 'old enough' to do everything on my own... Despite being told I needn't do it on my own and should ask for help whenever I need it, only to be denied and hurt and have more dirt pulled out from under me instead... (It's very confusing and not at all helping the insane issue I have going on)... It hurts so God damned bad.... And it makes me think that maybe... Maybe I'm NOT wrong about being nuts... That maybe all that 'help' I gave to people wasn't actually me or my help at all... Just People humoring me and pretending.

Idk..

I sound like that awful ex friend of mine...

But honestly... Idk what to do anymore...

My hope... My hope is just about all gone....

And when it is... What do I do? Where do I go?

I'm more like my disgusting mother every day (except the drugs and alcohol abuse)... And I just can't find a way out that isn't wildly hard for me.

I swear I'm suffering undiagnosed Something (asperger's, ADHD, ect?)... Maybe it's just me being a hypochondriac... And lazy... And wishful.. to blame all my problems on an unseen force beyond my control... And that's why everyone tells me to just pick myself up... Because I'm actually normal and just crying for unneeded attention...

Donald Trump and COVID-19 survivor Brett Breslow (right; photo courtesy of Breslow family)

The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.

— Albert Einstein

“Don’t be afraid of Covid,” President Donald Trump tweeted Monday, hours before his release from Walter Reed Medical Center.

That didn’t sit well with Brett Breslow. The 50-year-old man from Cherry Hill, New Jersey, was on a ventilator for 19 days and spent a total of a month in the hospital. His wife, Amy, went on national and local news and pleaded through tears for federal officials to take action to help save his life, not knowing if she would ever see him again. Brett survived despite the federal government. The plasma donated from recovered COVID patients that she fought for never came.

“It (Trump’s tweet) really made me angry,” he said. “It made me angry because of all that I’ve been through.”

The tweet infuriated me, too. To think that Breslow, a tough dude with a big heart whom I’ve known for 15 years, was essentially being belittled by the president of the United States was beyond the pale. Was Trump saying the 210,000 who have died, and others who have suffered like Breslow — a Navy veteran of the Persian Gulf War and local football coach — weren’t tough enough? That death and unimaginable suffering are nothing to fear?

When Trump announced his presidential campaign, I dipped my toe cautiously into the waters of opinion writing after 18 years as a journalist following the credo of trying to be fair to both sides of the story. But now I know there is no “two sides” to this election.

There is good and there is evil. Those who vote for Trump in 28 days will be complicit in the death of thousands upon thousands of fellow Americans from COVID-19.

But it wasn’t just the Monday tweet.

· On Sunday, he briefly left the hospital for a joyride that endangered the health and lives of the Secret Service agents who accompanied him.

· On Monday, upon his release from the hospital, the decidedly contagious president ascended the stairs of the White House South Portico and removed his mask, in proximity to an official photographer and staffers who could be seen behind him on the balcony.

· Today, he was back to his one of his earlier hits, equating the virus to the seasonal flu — a post that Facebook pulled down for breaking its COVID-19 misinformation rule and Twitter let stand but with a message about it breaking their rules as well.

Four moments. Four microcosms of the malignant narcissism of the only truly evil president to govern the United States. Four instances illustrating why this man, by all rights, is guilty of manslaughter on an inconceivable scale.

Why is the United States the only developed country on Earth still ensnared in a continuous first wave of coronavirus? A death toll of tens of thousands was likely unpreventable, but why does the United States have one of every five victims worldwide even though we have only one-twenty-fifth of the population?

Trump not only doesn’t care about anybody besides himself but is psychologically incapable of doing so. The White House is supposed to be in the lead, setting a national strategy to limit the spread of COVID. No one ever foresaw that the superspreader was in the White House, both figuratively and literally.

Now Trump is contributing to more death. “Don’t be afraid of Covid” will be interpreted by his followers that they shouldn’t bother with masks or other precautions.

Researchers from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (IHME) last month forecasted that the death toll will reach 410,000 by the end of 2020. With near-universal masking and the maintenance of social distancing and governmental limits on the size of gatherings, the total could be 288,000. Trump’s incitement can literally be quantified as a push toward killing nearly 125,000 additional Americans.

The Breslow family experienced that callous indifference personally. Recovered COVID patients were able to donate what is known as “convalescent plasma” at the time, but in Delaware, not in New Jersey. The federal government wouldn’t let the plasma be delivered across state lines. With Amy Breslow’s relentless pressure, there was intervention from local legislators, and two other patients from another local hospital were able to participate in a Mayo Clinic-led clinical trial. Renee Bannister, a teacher, and Andy Fei, an opera singer, were the first South Jersey residents to benefit from her heroics.

“I don’t think anybody really understands that choices were made in the federal government, such as disassembling the pandemic response team, but then he felt like he didn’t want to admit to a mistake and turn it back on,” said Breslow, who endured months of kidney dialysis, weeks with dizziness from inner ear damage, and still has other persistent physical issues. “And then he blamed the economy on the pandemic when he chose to do nothing about the pandemic.”

That’s what you sign on for if you vote for Trump: an unfeeling, dishonest, rudderless government, complicity in death, and tolerance of evil on the larger scale.

Trump’s focus is on mimicking North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. Like Kim, Trump is trying to paint a picture of invulnerability — in this case by saying he beat COVID-19. Like Benito Mussolini, the Fascist Italian dictator of World War II, his balcony moment was meant to build a cult of personality.

Trump’s one move was to put up a highly porous closure of travel from China on Feb. 2, and then act as if it were mission accomplished. He did nothing more even though he told Bob Woodward five days later that he knew the coronavirus was “deadly stuff” transmitted by air, a threat “more deadly” than the flu (in comparison to his pulled-down Facebook post). Trump’s brand is a booming economy. He figures the only way he wins reelection is if people stop being afraid, get back to work, and get together at restaurants, theaters, and, of course, maskless Trump rallies.

This death toll would not have happened under Hillary Clinton. This would not have happened under Barack Obama. This would not have happened under George W. Bush or any of his predecessors. Not one would have the gall to put their own political fortunes before the lives of countless Americans. Not one would have come up with such twisted reelection logic.

Trump clearly doesn’t care about Democrats. He does care about Republicans, but only when they’re filling out their ballots for him. That’s as far as it goes. He is pro-life when it comes to abortion, but he could care less if they drop dead from catching the virus while attending one of his rallies. He doesn’t mind if they die while waiting in line to vote in person on Election Day, because he plans to ask the Supreme Court to invalidate mail-in ballots in swing states in the name of nonexistent fraud.

His White House is a hot zone. The Rose Garden ceremony for nominating Amy Coney-Barrett to the Supreme Court seems to have been the breeding ground to infect advisers Hope Hicks and Kellyanne Conway, spokeswoman Kayleigh McEnany, campaign manager Bill Stepien, ex-New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, three senators, and now immigration confidante Stephen Miller. Trump appeared maskless at a New Jersey fund-raiser last Thursday despite showing symptoms of COVID or perhaps already knowing he had tested positive.

“He has these non-social-distanced events,” fumed Breslow. “Everyone gets sick. It’s really disgusting.”

It feels quaint to think back to when I thought there were two sides to every story. There is only good and evil here. Vote for Trump and you are complicit in that evil and thousands upon thousands of needless deaths.

This election is good vs. evil: It’s that simple