Hi I know this might come off as weird but I really need help on the matter.

I'm very conscious I should seek for professional help but I can't afford it.

My issue is that I can't get the fact that my partner made love with other people in the past, affectionate and probably passionate. I lost my virginity with my partner and never ever had any other sexual encounters with someone else, these ideas come to my mind and affect my body arousal...

Any tips would be helped.

Hello Lovely,

First things first, I am flattered that you came to me for advice. However, I am very conscious of the fact that you said you should probably seek professional help. Now, it is great that you acknowledge that – that is usually the first step as well as the hardest one and I feel like you should save up for that help if this problem persists. I am only a stranger on the internet who can offer you my opinion – I’m not licensed to give you professional help or advice, nor do I know how to give it. If you live in the UK you can apply for therapy or help in these matters through the NHS or your local GP. If you live elsewhere, don’t be afraid to have a look around on the internet, there are a multitude of sites popping up that can help with matters such as these, some may cost more than others or have different credentials. Have a look around and see what’s right for you.

Now for my opinion.

I understand that the fact your partner has a higher ‘body count’ (the number of people they have slept with) than you can be quite daunting and as you said this affects your arousal. I advise you to first sit down by yourself and think what about this is really bothering you.

Are you jealous that your partner has been intimate with more people than yourself?

Are you nervous/worried that your limited sexual experience maybe off putting to your partner?

Are you worried that your partner has had sex with these people in the same way that they do with you/or possibly a different way than they do with you?

Do you feel unfulfilled in someway because you haven’t had the same sexual journey? (If this is the case, I really wouldn’t suggest opting for a polyamorous relationship as for this to be successful you have to have a very solid and trusting foundation with you current partner otherwise it will just end badly. I’ve seen many polyamorous relationships just end up as an excuse for one of the partners to cheat.)

Once you have identified what is possibly blocking your arousal, my next suggestion would be to actually talk to your partner about your worries. Talking to your partner will be hard and should be approached in a delicate manner as topics surrounding body counts can be quite sensitive. However, I believe not talking about this matter with the person who it concerns will just lead to resentment and problems further down the line. The sooner you talk about it the better, and once this talk has happened you may find that the arousal blockage will go away on its own as your worries are put to rest. If not, maybe you and your partner could save up together for those professional appointments you mentioned. Relationships are difficult, but they are a team effort, you are there to help each other.

I would also suggest thinking about what gets you aroused, and I mean mindlessly aroused. Do you like to watch porn? Do you like to read erotica? Or what have you thought about that excites you? Do you like the idea or roleplay? Using toys in the bedroom (there are ones made for couples to use together during sex – they’ll be available on sites such as LoveHoney.co.uk or AdamandEve). I’m not saying jump into the deep end straight away because that’s a good way to hurt yourself. But think about the things that excite you in this way, talk to your partner and possibly incorporate them into your sex life -  it may be a good way for you to reclaim some agency in the bedroom and dispel these worries. Make the bedroom your sanctuary, and you can embark on the journey of widening your sexual experience with the person you love. Sexual experience isn’t always down to the body count, you could have sex with hundreds of people, but it doesn’t mean it’s good sex. Sexual experience is about exploring your partners body, understanding what makes them feel good. But going back to the most important part of my advice, please please please before you do anything else, talk to your partner about what is bothering you – that is the key to a healthy relationship. Ask them what makes them feel good in bed, tell them in turn what you like or what you would like to try.

I hope this helps. You don’t have to, but you can keep me updated if you would like, tell me if my advice helped you or tell me that it didn’t.

Take Care and Stay Sex Positive My Lovely

Love, TheSexTheorist xxx

Hi! I need advice on masturbating. I'm a 20 years old cis female and I still can't figure out how it's done. Is that weird? Thanks in advance 💗

Hello my Lovely,

First of all, can I just apologise for the late reply. I am planning on getting this blog up and running again, I just need to sort my personal life out first, but thank you for your patience.

Now, to answer your question, it is not weird at all! Everyone's masturbation journey is different. I personally didn't start masturbating until I was 19, because I was convinced by the media that it was something dirty and that was messing with my outlook on it. I was also quite intimidated, so when I was stood in my dorm wetroom under the tepid spray of water trying to find my clit - let's just say it didn't go well. I was so frustrated and upset, thinking I was broken but I was determined to try.

Now - here's the important thing to remember, you will never figure out how it's done, because during this journey (which is lifelong by the way), you will find new and exciting ways to masturbate and you'll think 'oh so this is how it's done'. I'm still doing that, so just embrace it and figure out what works for you.

Ok, now this is the fun part. This is where you get to figure out what works for you. Do you find that you react more to clitoral stimulation, or penetrative stimulation? (So do you come closer to the point of orgasm by something rubbing or sucking on your clit, or having something that is body safe being inserted into your vagina - if you have trouble finding the clit please refer to my earlier blog posts).

Personally I react more from clitoral stimulation than penetration. But everyone is different, and you should just focus on what works for you. For clitoral stimulation I can give more advice. I would personally start with a relaxed environment. So I would do it either when everyone in the house is asleep or you're on your own so you can be sure of privacy. Do something to get yourself in the mood, read or watch something sexy - not what others think is sexy, what you think is sexy - what starts giving you that wet feeling? Play with your body, hit those erogenous zones, tease yourself. Rub light circles into your clit, around your clit, find the area that works for you because sometimes direct clitoral stimulation can be too much. Then play with speed and pressure, do you like light or hard stimulation? Slow or fast? Or maybe something in between or alternating. Keep going until, hopefully if this advice works, you start to feel that magical build up. Fuck it, draw the alphabet into your clit, experiment and keep it fun.

I cannot offer a lot of penetrative advice, as I personally struggle with that on a physical level. One piece of advice I can give you, use objects that are body safe, so dildos or your fingers (and please make sure anything you insert is cleaned beforehand). More importantly, use lubrication, and if something is not going in, no matter how turned on your are or how lubed up you are - DO NOT FORCE IT IN! You will hurt yourself. Start small and gradually work your way up. This may take months, but fuck it, your safety is more important.

Eventually you might decide to move onto toys, clit suckers are personally my favourite, or you might decide they don't work and your hand is your best friend - either is fine. Find out what you like in a masturbation session. Do you like long sessions where you can tease yourself and make an evening of it, or do you like to just get a quick release and then go on with your day? I suppose, the best advice I can give is experiment, because I can tell you what to do - but that might not necessarily work for you. I'm not a sex expert, but even a proper sex expert can't really tell you how your body is going to react to different stimulus - that is for you to discover.

I hope that has helped my lovely, if not feel free to message me and maybe I can offer some more help.

Stay sex positive!

- TheSexTheorist xxx

External Female Genitalia

Female Genitalia – Vagina, Vulva, Pussy, Yoni, C*nt and whatever you want to call it.

In this post we will cover the anatomy of the external female genitalia, it’s purpose and how you can get to know your own.

The full reproductive system (ovaries and womb) will NOT be included – post for a later time.

(WARNING: Contains anatomical diagram and one NSFW pic - thank you to our lord and saviour Betony Vernon.)

Being from the UK, of course my favourite term for Female Genitalia is c*nt. During my time at Secondary School, or High School for my American followers, I was barely taught anything about my vulva, not it’s anatomy or how it worked. I only found out there were two holes when one of my friends told me and I’d never been more embarrassed that I didn’t know how my own body worked or how I was built.

Ok, first lesson - what is the anatomy of the external genitalia? I’ve drawn a really bad diagram for you to look at as I explain the different parts of the external anatomy:

Vulva – The vulva is the term for the area which includes the Vaginal opening, the Labia Majora, the Labia minora and the clitoris.

Mons Pubis – The mound of fatty tissue which covers the pubic bone. It is this area that grows pubic hair.

Clitoral Hood – A fold of skin that surrounds the head of the clitoris (sometimes it can fully cover the clit – no wonder anyone can’t find it). This is designed to protect the clitoris from uncomfortable friction or rubbing.

Clitoris – Located under the clitoral hood and slightly between the labia minora. This is the ‘fun’ area. This little nub is very sensitive and is the go to when engaged in sex. Much like a penis, the clit becomes ‘erect’ with blood when stimulated and with the proper attention can result in orgasm.

Urethra – Located above the vaginal opening. It is a small hole, so small you’ll barely even be able to see it. This is the ‘pee’ hole. It can be engaged in sex – when the elusive ‘squirt’ happens during a female climax, you squirt from the urethra, not the vaginal opening.

Labia Majora – These are the outer lips, these also grow pubic hair and it’s main function is to protect the other external organs, mainly from infections.

Labia Minora – These are the inner lips. They are far more pink in colour than their sisters (Majora) due to the number of blood vessels present in the area, and in moments of sexual arousal the area swells with blood increasing their sensitivity. Sometimes these lips can ‘spill’ out in between the Labia Majora – this is perfectly normal! The minora only surround the area with the urethra and vaginal opening.

Vaginal Opening – This is the hole where the magic happens (where whatever object – in the realms of safe and sane, can be inserted, from dicks to tampons. You can even squeeze a baby through there. Ouch.)

Bartholin Glands – These are located just inside the vaginal opening (lining the sides), and these secrete a thick liquid which is used for lubrication during sex. So, these are what make you ‘wet’. Please, before anything is being inserted (sexually) into the vaginal opening, make sure you are wet and use plenty of lube (blog posts on this to come).

Hymen – Let me make this clear…The Hymen is NOT a virginity detector! The Hymen is a very thin piece of skin that only partially covers the vaginal opening (if it covered the whole opening then you wouldn’t get your period). It can stretch or tear during sex, causing the infamous blood on the sheets for 'first timers' (and unfortunately where the term ‘popping your cherry’ came from. Silly really, not all first timers bleed, just more romanticised bullshit from a culture that fetishises virginity and 'purity'). BUT, it can also stretch and tear from swimming, horse riding, sports or the excursions of daily life. For some women, their hymen is too small to see, or it can be non-existent. Much like other skin, the hymen can repair itself.  

Perineum – Located between the Labia Majora and the Anus. It can vary in size, between 1 – 2+ inches. Contains internal structures which help with bodily functions which include sex and childbirth – so don’t be afraid to use it during sex, just be careful!

Now, one thing you will have taken from my diagram is that it’s not perfect, and that’s ok, because no c*nt is cosmetically perfect. Everyone’s c*nt is different and you should embrace that. It’s yours and no one has any right to say to you ‘Oh it’s ugly’, ‘oh it smells funny’, ‘are you sure it should look like that?’ – fuck them! They clearly don’t know shit (although if you notice it smells different than usual, or your discharge is coming out different than usual then please go see a doctor - more posts to follow on this!)

My advice to you…

Dim the lights, light some scented candles, stick on some mindless Netflix program or any song by The Weeknd, get a mirror, stick it down there and take a good look at you. Explore you. I say this because I see it this way; how can you expect anyone to give you a good time during sex if you don’t even know how you’re built and where everything is. It seems weird at first, and it’s ok to back out the first few times. Baby steps. You don’t have to dive in all at once. It’s your body, you set the time and you set your boundaries. However I do highly recommend exploring, and not just for beginners, it’s good for even the most experienced amongst us to refresh ourselves every once in a while. 

(Image: Betony Vernon and François Berthoud, ‘The Boudoir Bible’, 2013).  

My next post will be on the clitoris (because boy is that thing bigger than we thought).

Hope this helps, and stay sex positive my lovelies.

-     Love, TheSexTheorist xxx

External Female Genitalia Continued – The Clitoris is the powerhouse of pleasure!

WARNING: One anatomical diagram of the female anatomy and one diagram of the structure of the clitoris.

First of all, I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone for liking and supporting my previous posts. I was unsure of how this blog would be received, but it’s heart warming to see all of you enjoying the content. I hope I can keep it up for you and improve the quality of the posts as I gain more experience.

Ok, sappy shit over. The clitoris. That little nub that for some reason, everyone seems to have a hard time finding. Can’t say I blame you really. During my first masturbation experience I was furiously rubbing the wrong area, somewhere just above my vaginal opening, and I thought I was broken or that I had been lied to about its power (masturbation is one of the next topics to come up – trust me I’ll give you the full story, it’s too fucking funny not to). Turns out, the clit is so much bigger than that little nub you see in your vulva. I’m inserting my shit diagram again for reference.

Yeah, that thing is actually 9 – 12 cm long (5 inches max – usually) and most of its structure is internal. Actually, roughly 90% of the clitoral structure is internal. I haven’t drawn this next diagram, but I can do if you all want to see more of my appalling art.

As you can see, the clitoral structure is like an arch or wishbone shape. The internal structure actually encircles the vagina (which is the actual canal beyond the vaginal opening – where dicks, tampons, fingers etc. all go when they venture inside). Unfortunately my lovelies, there is not a great deal I can tell you about the actual internal structure of the clitoris – because even the doctors have only just figured out what it looks like and what it does. The clitoris was ignored until the absolute goddess and urologist (a doctor who focuses on the functions of the urinary system…piss doctors for simple minded people like myself) Dr Helen O’Connell did an investigation into the clitoris using an MRI and discovered this mass internal structure in 2005!

However, what I can tell you is that if you’re just wanting to know more about that little nub and the magic it works, I’ve got you covered. The clitoris, also called the clitoral glans, the part that you can see on the external anatomy has roughly 8,000 nerve endings – quite a lot for its surface area, which is why it is so sensitive to stimulation. These nerve endings can send signals to 15,000 surrounding nerve endings in the pelvic/genital region. Now that I know how to masturbate properly, when I just stimulate this area I get the ‘leg shakes’ and can feel the stimulation all the way down to my feet. Powerful thing isn’t it? Again, not hard to see why this is the best area to focus on for your female partners. It is also rare when a female is able to orgasm without clitoral stimulation.

In the most recent study conducted in 2017, only 18% of women in Finland could orgasm through penetrative sex alone. The total amount of women who took part in the study was 8,000 – so that’s 1440 women who did not need their clitoris stimulated. Now! Do not take this as, ‘omg my body doesn’t work, I should be able to orgasm from something going inside!’ – no, you get those thoughts out of your head right now. Everyone’s bodies work differently. If you can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation (either on its own or with penetrative sex) – that doesn’t mean you’re any less of a woman and you do what works for you. If you don’t need clitoral stimulation to orgasm – again, doesn’t make you any less of a woman. You’re all amazing and should be proud of what you can do. You should embrace what gets you off and actually learn about techniques regarding that area to enhance your experience.

The clitoris, you’ll be happy to hear, has no reproductive function whatsoever! It is the only organ in the female body which is entirely focused on pleasure. It certainly helps to stimulate it before penetrative sex as through arousal, as previously established, it brings increased blood flow to the vulva – increasing sensitivity of the area and it stimulates the Bartholin Glands to release that lube like substance which is essential for sex. As well as this, stimulation of the clitoris and orgasms in general can help with period pains and stress relief via the release of endorphins, and it can help with sleepless nights. This is subjective for everyone, it helps with my period cramps, but I can’t use it to help me sleep, I just end up more awake from the excitement of it all.

That’s it for the external female genitalia! My next post will be about giving some love to the guys as we talk about the external male genitalia.

Here is the link to the study I was talking about earlier. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319671#The-female-orgasm-in-research

I hope this has helped you all. Stay sex positive my lovelies!

-          Love, TheSexTheorist xxx

External Male Genitalia

(Warning: One very shit side diagram of the male genitalia, and one computer generated image showing the difference between a circumcised and uncircumcised penis).

Hello my lovelies,

Sorry for such a long wait, I’ve been struggling with my mental health and motivation in general. However, I’ve had a mini holiday and I feel re-energised. I’m going to set myself a goal of posting a new ‘lesson’, if you will, on this blog every Friday. I just want to say another big thank you to all those who are supporting this blog and are wanting to learn more about your fun parts.

My first two posts were centred around the female genitalia (of which I am very familiar seeing as though I have one). We are now going to give some love to the guys and talk about male genitalia – I have done as much research as I can. Unfortunately with male genitalia it seems to be a case of…what you see is really all you get, externally anyway. I will do my best, but if something does seem off just let me know (remember this is a learning journey for all of us – myself included). Ok without further ado…

Mons Pubis – The area of fatty tissue that covers the pelvic bone, however it is not as prominent on males as it is females.

Onto the actual penis, which is split up into three main sections:

The root – this is internally attached to the wall of your abdomen, and connects the penis to the pelvic bones via ligaments to offer support. Colour coded Green (I’ve included some on the actual penis to help give the idea of how it supports the penis).

The shaft/the body – This is the tube like part of the penis. This is the area that swells with blood due to the three internal chambers which contain spongy erectile tissue (corpus spongiosum) which themselves are filled with thousands of gaps which fill with blood as the male becomes aroused. When the penis becomes erect, it lengthens and thickens, shifting positions as it lifts towards the abdomen – where the rather cringy term ‘standing to attention’ is aptly applied. Colour coded Orange.

The glans – this is the ‘blub’ or head at the very end of the penis, which can be covered with foreskin. There is the urethral opening at the end of the penis where both urine and semen are expelled from the body. Yes men only have ‘one hole’ and both urine and semen are expelled from the urethra. However, internal reproductive organs block off the ability to expel urine from the urethra when the penis is erect. The glans is also filled with thousands of nerve endings (4000 to be exact), meaning if you want a reaction – give it some special attention, don’t neglect the other areas, but this is the external pleasure centre. Colour coded Red.

Foreskin – This is a sheath of skin that is attached to the head/glans of the penis when males are born. It helps to keep the glans lubricated, mainly in older males. It is fully attached to the glans in these early days, meaning it can’t be pulled back. It starts to separate around age 2 but it can start partially detaching later in life. No matter what age you are, please for the love of God do not try to pull your foreskin back further than it will naturally go – you will hurt yourself. If you have foreskin it is important to gently pull it back and wash under it, if not a cheesy like substance delightfully known as ‘smegma’ can build up and potentially lead to infections. The foreskin can also be removed at a young age for religious beliefs. The removal of the foreskin is known as circumcision. There are also different forms of circumcision for different religions, but I am not qualified to talk about them. If anyone belonging to a religion that practices circumcision and the belief behind it would like to share their story please feel free (I will anonymise you of course and please do not post your experience unless you are 18+). Colour coded Red. There is an image below which shows the difference between a circumcised penis and a non-circumcised penis.  

Scrotum - The scrotum is the sac located behind the penis; it is literally a sack of skin to hold the testicles. There is a left and right testicle, and like female breasts they are rarely symmetrical – if there is one thing to learn about nature is that she hates symmetry with a passion. In fact, one side of the human body is bigger than the other. Anyway back to balls. The purpose of the scrotum is to hold the testes which produce sperm and hold them until ejaculation (the physical effect of an orgasm). Hormones, such as testosterone (clues in the name) are produced here. Testosterone is the main sex hormone found in males, it plays a key role in the maturing of the male during puberty – focusing mainly on the sex organs, secondly on bone mass, muscle and body hair. In some cases a male may be born with one testicle. This is normal, but I would always advise that you check with your doctors if you are worried about something (I’ll share a story about my asymmetrical tits and the doctors at the end to make you guys and gals feel better). Others may lose a testicle to a medical issue – remember all bodies are different and there is beauty in our imperfections. Colour coded Blue.

Perineum – Which is also eloquently referred to as the ‘Gooch’, which is located behind the balls and before the anus – it’s in-between the two. Much like on the female, the perineum can vary in size, between 1 – 2+ inches. It can also be stimulated during sex, again, just be careful. (see my second post on female genitalia for reference).

Right story time:

So I’m telling you all this to help with my own body confidence and to help anyone who may be going through the same thing either with their tits or balls, or anyone who may be struggling with body image in general. So during puberty my tits started growing in fairly even, until my left decided to be a bitch and outgrow the other. And this isn’t a ‘little’ difference – it is incredibly noticeable, and I have to wear special shaping and compacting bras to help with my shape and make it less noticeable. Now a lot of things can affect this, diet, hormones and genetics being some. I went to the doctors for two reasons, one to check that there were not any underlying health problems such as breast cancer. Thankfully that was a negative, but I still make sure to regularly check my breasts in the bath to be sure (I’ll include a post on this too). Two, to see if anything could be done to even them out, but the NHS said no as it wasn’t a real medical concern (which to be fair, it isn’t a medical concern if there is nothing causing it other than nature hating symmetry). I’m now in my 20s and still suffer with this problem. I’ll be honest with you, I’m self-conscious every day, I’m scared of getting naked and having someone laugh at me. However, at the end of the day, if someone laughs at your body doing something that it can’t control, then they’re a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve your time and you should wait for bigger and better things. No one is lesser because of their body, no matter what it looks like. Coming to terms with your body does take time, it is still taking me time, but talking to your loved ones (or complete strangers on the internet if you’re like me) is the first stepping stone to acceptance.

Alright, that’s a wrap on my external genitalia series! Over the next few weeks I’ll be covering erogenous zones, internal pleasure centres, masturbation, consent and safe sex (not necessarily in that order)! I will cover the reproductive systems at some point, but I will let you know that it is not my main concern as most education systems around the world teach sex ed with the purpose of reproduction. To say sorry for being so late with this post, I will let you guys choose what I next post about, just reply to this post and I’ll tally it up. Your choices are:

1 – Erogenous Zones

2 – Internal Pleasure centres

The runner up will be posted a week after the winner. I’ll stop counting the results on Sunday, 11th July at 9 pm (UK time/GMT +1).

The next post will also be a lot better than this one as I get back into the swing of it. I hope anyway. 

Take care and stay sex positive my lovelies!

-          Love, TheSexTheorist xxx

What’s this...a new Sex Ed Blog?

Hello and Welcome to ‘TheSexTheorist’ a Sex Education blog dedicated to dispelling misconceptions surrounding sex and encouraging everyone to unlock their sensual side.

About me: I have been a dirty minded and sex curious person since puberty kicked in at 12/13 (as I’m sure is the case for most of you). There isn’t a day goes by where I don’t have sex on the brain. However, in the UK we don’t have a stellar reputation for the most progressive sex education. We don’t teach abstinence until marriage, but we teach that sex is to create mini demon spawn and it is a very brief topic in the curriculum. We’re getting better, but we have a long way to go still. In modern society, I believe we should be beyond prudish attitudes in the classroom and teach how sex works – address these misconceptions early, teach us we don’t have to be ashamed of our bodies and that sex is for pleasure and connection between various partners, not just for pushing out babies.

However, if you’re also like me, you have no idea where to look for sex education that is not so clinical that you’re bored to death. You also want something that doesn’t delve into the realms of full blown porn and erotica, so now you’re all hot and bothered but you haven’t come out the other side having learnt something. You want something educational and fun – hopefully that’s where I come in…

For the duration of this blog I will cover female and male genitalia, consent, masturbation, sex, BDSM, sexuality and contraception to name but a few of the topics that come under the large umbrella that is Sex Education.

I will admit it, my sexual experience is limited (non-existent beyond my hand and collection of sex toys) but I love learning about sex. One thing I think the sex education scene is lacking is a virgin point of view. I love learning from the experts, but one thing that keeps going around in my mind is, 'They’re so far ahead, I don’t even know when I will have sex (if ever) and they’re so experienced that some of the advice is lacking for beginners’. That’s why I have started this blog. We’re starting from the beginning and working our way up. As well as sharing what I know, I’m hoping you all will share your experiences and we can learn from each other to grow a sex positive view to fit our new modern age.

I look forward to our journey together. Stay sex positive my lovelies.

-       Love, TheSexTheorist xxx