#I feel horrible but not at the same time
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I have to get this out and don't know a better place
I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can go for a walk in any neighborhood anymore. I don't know if I handled this situation well. I do know I did better than I would have in the past, at the very least. In hindsight, I wasn't paying enough attention.
Hekate and I were out for a later evening walk than usual. It was past sunset but not super dark. We were walking the big path that runs through the whole neighborhood. There were maybe ten kids out playing in their unfenced backyard. I looked. I didn't see a dog. I looked again as we were about to pass the house and saw a dog with a parent on the back porch. I should have turned around. I assumed (made an ass out of u and me) that the dog was on a leash or under control in some way.
I was wrong.
I looked down at Hek and kept walking. I'm not paying any more attention to any of this. Hekate is in a loose leash heel on my left side. This dog came so fast that I just saw a blur out of the corner of my right eye. He full body slams into Hek and almost causes me to fall over when almost hitting me, too. He is going so fast that he over shoots us and has to turn around. By that time, I'm screaming at the dog AT AT AT (I've learned that's what works best for me) because he's starting to dart at Bean again. I pull her behind me and put myself between her and this dog, who still doesn't give a shit that I am trying to keep him away. The dog starts barking and trying to get to Hek through me. He was so close I felt his breath through my leggings. He body slams my leg again, barking at Hek.
I snapped. I started swinging the end of my leash at him. My first good hit worked. He yelped and backed off a few feet. Still barking, but at least he was backing away. The father who was sitting on the porch has come out to the path now. He's pissed off, yelling at me, "he's not doing anything. He's not doing anything!" I turn to him and say, "your dog came after me and my dog. I don't know how he is going to react. I have been attacked by too many dogs." He grabs his dog and replies with, "you don't have to hit him." By this time, Hek and I are already walking away. I turn around to say, "I wouldn't have to if you kept your dog on a leash, under control, away from me and my dog."
I really wanted to say, "I could mace him if you prefer that. You and your dog are the reason I carry mace with me at all times" but I was too stunned to do any of that and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there
#how do you handle off leash dogs?#I dont feel safe anywhere anymore#you think I WANT to hit a dog???#I feel fuckin horrible#but what am I supposed to do?!?#my poor child#I really hope she isnt hurt from being body slammed so hard#I'm still a little overwhelmed#I feel horrible but not at the same time
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Heartfelt Reunion.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#blood#wen chao#My 'labeling things' bit started because I was worried that it might be hard to tell what things were due to my rough art skills.#And while I think I don't need to clear up the ambiguity as much these days...I think it is well earned here!#Rest in torment Wen Chao. Rest in literal pieces.#What a truly cute reunion scene this was B*)#They fall back into a comfortable pattern of banter despite the length of time apart. While also standing in front of dead bodies.#While I'm here - Let's clear something up: WWX does a *lot* of torturing and killing in this scene.#If JC is to be credited for any tortures let it be known he did that right alongside WWX. They get co-torture credits here.#Your favourite character is responsible for several horrible tortures and murders.#Was it justified? Honestly I don't think so. I think it very much needs to be over-the-top-violent to show how WWX has changed.#It was excessive force to satiate his need for revenge. WWX is consistently demonstrating how he feels justified in his actions#Up until now they have been for relatively noble causes. Protecting Mianmian - Giving away his core - Punching Jin Zuxian;#It's the same flaw in a different setting.#Tune in next time for LWJ's reaction to the blood sport vibes.
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seeing the video of palestinians tearing down the apartheid wall and i cant help but feel a similar kind of joy as when seeing the pictures from when the wall seperating germany fell, with masses of people storming it and helping each other climb qwq
#ganondoodles talks#meanwhile i was making breakfast and heard on the radio our shitty ass Bundeskanzler calling the iranian attack on iof military bases#'horrible and not justifyable by anything'#like you FUCKER dont get to say that while funding the exact same genocidal regime that attacked iran first WHILE carrying out a genocide-#-for months WHILE its been attackign SEVERAL other countries at the SAME TIME AND been violently occupying a country#i feel like i get americans so much more now#like man i love my country but fuck that government#“not justifyable by anything” *actively funds a genocidal regime thats attacking what 3+ other countries as well*#you are not making us beat the 'still nazis lolol' allegations with that#hate it here#free palestine
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can we please stop telling people to kill themselves and to rot in hell and that they deserve to be bullied and that they are inherently horrible people who deserve to die and get doxxed. please. can we please stop doing that.
#like#okay first of all. do you understand the gravity of what youre saying or are you just throwing words into sentences#second of all. that kind of language is so fucking harmful for people with ocd or just obsessions with morality#because i mean not to make this abt Me (though this is kind of a vent ) but when i see people saying that it just. Sends me into spirals#because if people can say that to other people then what if they say it to me because i secretly believe the same things (even if i don't#-most of the time!)#what if im an inherently horrible person deep down? am i going to rot in hell for feeling slightly bad for this person?#i cant imagine that others dont feel like this or something along those lines.#im so fucking sick of death threats they do nothing. they do fucking jackshit except make more people feel terrible.#if you send death threats to people or say shit like this im blocking you. i dont want you in my space#bee.txt#moral ocd#scrupulosity
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I think an underappreciated motive for Bruce / Batman to not murder the Joker after he killed Jason is that it would, in a sense, mean Joker won. Like, yeah the Joker would be dead but he would also be laughing himself silly that he was the one who made the Bat break his code.
Bruce sparing the Joker was not because he didn't love Jason enough to kill him, but because he refused to let the Joker take anything else from him; he took his son, but he would not take his honor, his morality, his code. He would not give Joker the satisfaction.
Yeah! I think, ultimately, DC said it best, -- one death, two deaths, three deaths, -- whatever you pick, everybody loses. It was a no win situation from the start and specifically designed to have no satisfactory ending
#my thing is -- like. jason is such a self fledgelating character at heart (to me he does not have a victim complex like many ppl say#but i can completely get why that's a character trait ppl assign to him)#that even if bruce did kill joker (which he did in the comics multiple times. but everyone leaves that part out)#i think jason would ultimately feel horrible enough to isolate himself either way#and bruce already lost a son and there's truly nothing that can heal that. yes jason is here. but when bruce buried him#he wasn't.#but that's because of the same factors that affect canon too. it was never about the clown#it was about bruce and jason#bruce wayne#dc comics#meta
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ppl making comparison fanart between omo!Leonardo and MNMC!Leon is literally so funny to me bc initially i told CJ as a joke like „these two should never meet“ bc the potential of them is too funny; they would be besties, they would be worsties, they could help heal each other, they could make each other worse, like i genuinely believe Leonardo would call Leon a „depressed bitch“ like a hypocrite and get himself punched in the face but also they would sit together, get wasted and cry about their families, anyway never leave them together unsupervised
#rottmnt#rottmnt movie#future leo#turtle files: shitpost#mnmc#mutant ninja midlife crisis#odd man out#omo#as a professional depression haver; i am Leonardo in this case#cant let anyone know i have FEELINGS so im just gonna make jokes and hope i wont cry#these old peepaws need to sit down and TALK#i promise i will get there but i want fluff angst and shenanigans all at the same time its horrible
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A thing about trying to plot out QS canon-divergence fixit where the marriage is averted is that the obvious solution to “she was already pregnant before they knew the truth” is, well, end the pregnancy. The wider world doesn’t seem to know that she’d conceived prior to marriage, so can’t be more than a month or so along as of the wedding for it to be plausible. People have been inducing abortion in dire circumstances despite physical risk and moral stigma throughout history. QS has magic at her disposal and the means to remove herself from society unnoticed during the recovery period, and even if it’s taboo, is it more taboo than incest?
#tfw when the text’s misogyny results in everyone operating on post-Roe Texas logic#*post-Dobbs rather#like come on JGY grew up in a brothel he would know how shit gets done#I can only see him not suggesting it if he’d witnessed someone dying from attempting to give themselves an abortion#and his panic brain was like ‘it would be Just Like That and she would DIE HORRIBLY so we must marry!’#and even then it doesn’t explain why QS’s parents wouldn’t suggest it!#or (more distressingly yet still plausibly) pulling a Hoster Tully and forcing it#don’t mind me I woke up in the middle of the night and started pondering and now I’m grumpy#bc it’s like you either have to go FULL divergence where she and JGY never hook up at all#or you don’t give her the information until she’s already in the marriage and her options are much more limited#bc if she finds out at the same time JGY does possible outcomes either feel like a PSA about the importance of abortion access#or (if she marries someone else or otherwise sticks it out) GOP glurge about how keeping a pregnancy is always fine and good in the end#miscarriage cw#just in case
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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i havent made anything stupid in a while so i had to rectify that
more info on these dudes here
#warrior cats#wc ocs#warriors ocs#deer scribbles#honey's horrible time#i understand why ppl get confused at this story#these are three different cats and two are the exact same#in the second image that is honeypaw going lol not honey#i feel like i dont bring up that honeypaw is like. canonically horrible#like i try to explain why she is the way she is#but she's genuinely awful lmao
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(random) ngl before i started learning korean i felt like the worst failure of a korean but now i feel like the best failure of a korean (/j) HAHA
like im struggling to speak but least im speaking..!! I feel like I've restored an essential piece of myself that was missing...
#i tweeted this but im prob gonna delete it soon so#puts it here too in case ppl can relate...? lol#since i know its a common immigrant kid experience...#being disconnected from your heritage language i mean#for various reasons...#i thought i was ok w it but its rly a horrible feeling#like i said it felt like smth was missing#and i kinda jokingly self deprecatingly worded it as the best failure of a korean#but thats kind of... accurate fmfbnf like i feel embarrassed that im not fluent and feel like im a baby flailing my arms#but i still feel like even if im imperfect im more... complete#that isnt to say i was incomplete before... or anyone in the same situation is. but its still an exuberant feeling#and helps me get over feeling embarrassed that i suck at kr so bad. like AT LEAST I CAN COMMUNICATE NOW!!!#talk tag#laughing to myself rmbring that me and prob 1000s of other asian americans prob wrote an essay abt being detached from our culture for#our college/scholarship/etc essays#well i didnt know i was lgbt then i had to write abt smth!! and it was eating me up all the time...#i rly hope i can improve my kr more in the coming yrs
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Long story short I dislike most modern retellings because they seem to be focused on "fixing" the ancient stories and breaking them to fit into their own moral box which is insanely self centered to me and hardly ever actually engages with the stories as they are
#i like modernized takes where the modernizing is more like#translating how a story may have made people feel then and knowing how to elicit the same feelings in a modern audience#aka. hadestown exemplifying why we tell tragedies and tragic love stories#it never went 'um euridice is barely a character thats horrible lets fix that'#it went 'why do we tell stories of tragedy and love for thousands of years?'#anne carson is (in my non academia take) good at modernizing the language to make it understandable to modern readers#hence Dionysus going 'ok ladies up we get! no more crying no more weeping!'#anyway where is the modern odyssey that realises there is already the built in bit#where every time someone asks who Odysseus is he gives a different answer lmao its RIGHT THERE
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making a collection
making another collection with a threatening aura
#davy back fightbpart 3 letsgo#HOW do the three big guns get wasted on the eating contest... horrible plan.... luffy is fine bc well... but not sanji and zoro like damn.#luffy DOESNT WANNA EAT??? CALL THE NAVY!!!!#what was i saying.... bad idea putting the three beasts there#FRANKY FRANKY FRANKY!!!! they captured the two princesses :(#one sided beef squashed between luffy and foxy. friendship ended with random ex marine guy. now luffy is my best friend#usopp and franky bonding time hell yeah. throw usopp by the head once more pelase#nami with zoros swords just like holding them looks so cool like she should get a few swords too... nami three sword style oda drawing pls#i think this man underestimates nami and luffys power together he doesnt know about shiki#luffy saying he knows its a trap and sorry for being late.... lets go on an adventure all nine of us.... usopp yes anding his lie..... omg#cant believe nami isnt there yet. she could take this guy. oh there she is!!!!! she does look cool with the swords and jumping to get luffy#zoro screaming in agony from luffy getting shot omg THIS FUCKING GUY OF COURSE!!! this looks like its so over#zoro and sanji must feel so useless rn. they didnt even get the chance to fight like damn#komei-kakka??? more like come caca. boom#luffy face down dead on the floor akdjkaa chopper have you tried looking at the wound to see if it harmed him idk#it hit the face akdjskn usopp that was coom also#was robin flirting with the other guy and zoro caught her and she told hum to shut up???#'your friends got the best of me but you are still in my arms an-' 'HEAT EGG!! ALSO YOU'RE ON FIRE!'#flare maneauver that was so slay also luffy and nami in the same frame so twins of them. my children. birthed them one right after the othe#zoro and sanji fighting back to back. back to back to back to you i dont wanna fall right back to us maybe you should run right back to her#that is such a bop song. also post wano zosan. and post wci. see the recurrent theme#fighting in water.... being on top of the sword that was a slay... red hawk ace i will never forget you it seems#foxy liking his jolly roger omg nami fooled him ahdhsjs i think they should have pirate game event every year they yearn for contests#now since this experience foxy should make monthly multitudinary pirate games olympics hoping the strawhats join them a la gatsby#the faces at the mushroom akdhaksjs#talking tag#watching one piece#watching one piece movies#kinda loved how robin betted on franky against usopp.... i will take the crumbs
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pray for me please
#I HATE THIS#SAME accursed sin constantly and an astonishing inability to fight it successfully it WONT leave me alone#please pray for me this has been so frustrating and humiliating and horrible for months and years#and half the time i feel too ashamed to talk to God about it because i do such a bad job at learning from the past
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tw blood, gore
My Heaven
sh1 locations usually don't get much recognition so i feel like adding some explanatory notes on it (just in case)
the place is the secret chamber in Green Lion Antiques where distracted from prayer alessa is having a tender moment gazing at the point where God's painting is supposed to be
(GOD- IM TRULY BEWITCHED BY THIS GAME THE WAY IT NEVER THROWS STRAIGHT FACTS IN UR FACE AND WISELY KEEPS ATMOSPHERE OF UNDERSTATEMENT TILL THE VERY END SO FKING CHARMING–)
whatever ceremonial stuff it is, it had started to burn before one of harry's passing out
and due to perspective in my drawing alessa stands directly on it ..
i'd like to sum up the post w little art comparison bc i also pursued the goal to redraw one of my old drawings
the first one is pretty rough for sure still luv both of them tho
june 2021 august 2022
seems like i had come to better understanding of what im trying to achieve in terms of composition COLORS and whatnot
ьььь
#silent hill#alessa gillespie#dahlia gillespie#unnamed members of the Order. dahlia's gang in short#incubator#incubus#since it's his actual birth scene#damn haven't posted anything serious in a while .. time during summer when i was deciding on ideas for zine almost feels like a past life#made the choice for a reason y'all already know how Normal i am abt sh1 <33#although people tend to associate it exclusively w harry or/and lisa which IS fine still sad alessa rarely gets any credit............#prolly mentioned it before idk but at the very core it's HER game#meanwhile harry is just a witness who brings us into the loop of the story#(not mocking anyone !! tho in that case harry is basically player's eyes and ears)#drawing special attention to My Heaven soundtrack game's ost is hella gud in general but this one f u c k s#oh the moment when i just realized those weird noises are actually roar of alessa's intense s c r e a m s on horribly twisted frequencies#and the God himself is grotesque embodiment of her mental and physical suffering#not to be dramatic but back then i came to sudden realization that i'll never be the same.............#tw blood#tw gore#my art
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people love to use ffxiii’s messy development as a reason to completely shit on the game but honestly the fact they managed to sneak in so many little details in the gameplay in a way that reflects the characters and story despite all the miscommunication between the dev sections is just impressive to me
#was xiii horribly planned out and missed out on a lot of important feedback because of the poor time management? absolutely#does that mean you cant be impressed with what the game achieved regardless of whether you liked it or not? fuck no#also the fact theres next to no bugs (not counting the pc port because... yeah) is amazing all things considered#and the graphics still hold up to this day#the linearity is everyones main issue with the game but look at x dude#x was linear as hell too but it makes sense bc yuna had a pilgrimage to follow#just as how it makes sense for the xiii cast to not have time to stop and explore cocoon while they were being hunted by the government#thats why you have so much more freedom to explore when youre on pulse#theres not even anything objectively wrong with having a game be linear in the first place#and the people complaining about the story being ''incoherent'' are just... wrong?#they give you enough hints within the dialogue to piece the story together yourself while also not leaning on exposition dumps to tell it#and if you cant do that then the datalogs are right THERE#games have relied on ''notes'' to tell parts of their story for ages now and i dont understand why its suddenly bad when xiii does it#i dont like sitting through exposition dumps and i like being able to analyse and theorize about a plot WHILE im experiencing it#and a lot of other people feel the same way so its not an objectively bad aspect of the game's storytelling#you just need to pay attention and be patient and wait for the story to unfold#i went off the rails but ANYWAY#aki stfu#final fantasy xiii
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i wish I was a business major who didn't give a fuck. but I'm an artist and a feeler and an empath and now I have to bear the pain of being human
#god it's so terrible being me#i always wanted to not care so much and not take things too personally#not be affected by my environment and the people#i just want to stop being so sensitive. to the world to my emotions to everything that affects me so fucking much and holds me back#constantly making me feel worse inside my body someplace I can't take the feeling out with my nails#i want to rip open my chest and ask someone to fix it for me#it hurts so much it feels awful#and i don't even want to talk about the guilt. the guilt of everything. of existing#Of not caring enough of not doing enough!#apparently the way to avoid feeling so horrible isn't to tell yourself you just don't care when you do care and it hurts so bad#but if I care all the time then I'm stuck in this mud unable to get out because it holds me back and affects me too much#at one point in my life I stopped caring about things and I wish for that vee to come back again because I'm struggling#but then! hear me! not caring about anything at all means there will not be a purpose in your life. nothing that motivates you#and Im struggling with that too. one on hand i just want to stop caring and stop giving a fuck. but at the same time I care so much
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