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aureutr · 5 months

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Health update, featuring: DIAGNOSIS

I have been a chronic pain patient for a few years now. It's difficult to fully articulate how much pain changes your life, unless you are someone who has lived it or had a loved one live it.

Pain sucked away my energy and brainpower. I found myself sleeping more and more, first in naps after work then I was regularly calling out half days just to sleep. All the while, I was seeing doctor after doctor in hopes that someone would have an answer.

No one did. At first, it was almost a relief. It wasn't cancer, after all. But then the relief turned into disappointment and quickly into resignation. Labs were fine, X-ray was clear, CT was good. It should have been good news, except I still hurt all of the time and no one could tell me why.

The pain got worse. It peaked in Autumn 2022, when I finally got my first sliver of relief. Gabapentin kept the pain in control enough that I no longer had to regularly sleep half of the day, but it made me foggy. Still, it was easier to manage than the brain fog from pain, so I took it.

I still take it, and I’m on quite the high dose. It’s given me a semblance of a life back, but it’s not the answer or a cure. I still napped, I still hurt too much to even walk around a store for more than an hour or so. And, if I did, it would be my only activity for the day.

I lost my job late last year. I don’t believe it was because of the time I had to take, it was a mass layoff, but I’m certain it did not help. That, at least, ended up fine. I found a job I prefer with far better pay within a few months. And they’re, so far, understanding that I’m working through health problems.

But being unemployed was still a stressor, and I had learned that stress was integral to my pain. When I was stressed, it was worse. When I was calm, it was bearable.

I’ll skip describing another round of tests and hypotheses that went nowhere. In October 2023, my husband and I went to the Mayo Clinic or the Cleveland Clinic or John Hopkins (I am being intentionally vague here). This was our second time visiting, the first gave us absolutely nothing.

A nurse practitioner took a very quick look at me, too quick for our comfort, and declared the issue muscular. She recommended physical therapy. It seemed too simple, really. After all of that, all that money spent and time invested? It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried some exercise, but when moving makes your pain worse and worse pain zaps your energy, that’s difficult to maintain.

Still, I wasn’t going to turn my nose up at anything at this point. And it’s a damn good thing I didn’t.

The physical therapist I ended up seeing told me I had the strongest pelvic floor she’s ever seen. And that’s not a good thing. I have apparently taken literal decades worth of anxiety, depression, self-loathing, and any other negative emotion you can think of, and held them taut there, keeping my pelvic muscles almost constantly tensed.

And when you tense that much for that long, dysfunction arises.

My official diagnosis is Pelvic Floor Disorder. All of my PT has been focused on stretching, no strength training or cardio. I’m retraining my body to relax, to let go.

It has been amazing.

At the time of writing, I’ve been going to sessions for about six weeks. Already, I am eager to walk our dogs every day. I’ve gone out on my own or with friends to move.

The pain is not gone. But it is so much less that my pain clinic doctor is discussing reducing my gabapentin in a couple of months. And with decreased pain comes decreased brain fog.

Decreased brain fog means not only an improvement in my professional work, but space for fandom. I’ve written more than I’ve shared, lots of short private stuff for friends, but I haven’t had enough organized thought to re-approach the stories I put on hold.

I can’t promise anything, of course, but I hope that can change soon. I’ve been dabbling in Distant Echoes again, and it’s fun to be back in that world.

I’m not well. But I’m better. I’m so, so much better.

#real life #tmi #health update #Emotions as pain sounds like a fake Star Wars thing I know #but it’s apparently not #and I have a side of CPTSD to go along with it #I don’t get into that in this post #maybe in another one #this is the What moreso than the Why #though it touches on the Why #anyway I’m babbling #this is where I’ve been #this is where I’d like to be #writing #my writing

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goldensunset · 8 months

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advice i think we should tell children is that when adults say stuff like ‘now that i’m an adult i get really excited about stuff like coffee tables and bathrooms and rugs etc’ they don’t mean ‘and now i don’t care about blorbo and squimbus from my childhood tv shows anymore’ bc your average adult still loves all the same pop culture stuff they always did; they just have a greater appreciation for the mundane as well. growing up just means you can enjoy life twice as much now. you can get really excited about a new stuffed animal AND about a new kitchen sponge. peace and love

#peach rambles #you don’t have to get rid of blorbo and squimbus!! they would look great on top of your beautiful new nightstand you’ve been excited about #hall of fame i guess #i get. the sneaking suspicion this post has inspired at least two other posts #to the effect of ‘uhmmm i was ALWAYS excited about these things??’#yes i did have to do my own chores as a kid prommy. i just didn’t have feelings about stuff yet ok

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thunderon · 1 month

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so my roommate is completely straight edge like no drugs no alcohol etc and so im sure y’all can imagine my surprise when i saw she brought home this sign

so i immediately inquired

and now you may ask. what the fuck did my roommate think that sign meant? well

anyways i moved the sign so it’s now front and center in our living room and ive been laughing every time i pass it

#the SERENITY PRAYER IN LATIN #life is about surrounding yourself with the dumbest people imaginable so you can get some occasional laughs #i also don’t smoke #so this sign is extra funny to put up in our place #op #also my roomie is actually very very intelligent contrary to this post lmao #bestof

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zenwhoberi · 10 months

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had the wildest interaction today some random woman called me a slag and my dog a fucking faggot because I was using a pink lead/harness and he’s a boy like what the fuck lmfaoo

#she said he’s going to get sexually confused I said he’s literally a dog I don’t think he’s got anything to be confused about #dkdjdkfkfkf #if I stop posting it’s cause I got jumped by a chain smoking fifty year old woman who has nothing better to do than call random dogs faggots

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oopdeathnote · 11 months

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Imagine if you locked Light and Patrick Bateman in a room together. They would be having the most generic conversation but you wouldn’t be able to hear it over the sound of their overlapping internal monologues. There would be a few seconds where their monologues both play in sync to say something misogynistic.

#death note #light yagami #american psycho #patrick bateman #you could put patrick bateman in deathnote and he wouldn’t even seem particularly out of place tbh #i don’t actually like american psycho that much i just keep getting funny #patrick bateman posts on my pinterest feed #original post

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gemsandjunk · 5 months

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god imagine logging on one day and learning:

the amv you made for a relatively niche ship a couple years ago has gotten a huge spike in views out of nowhere

a massive youtuber apparently stole it to put in his video essay because he just couldn't be bothered to watch the actual show???

the only reason people know about this is because some guy dedicated half of a 4-hour long video essay to calling the guy out for never having an original idea in his life.

like genuinely. how do you even begin to react to that

Edit: I am not the op of the amv!!! That is someone else!!! Please don’t spread misinformation!!!

Actual op’s (who is not me) reaction to this:

id in alt text

#hbomberguy #james somerton #nifty’s junk #pls read the edited part I don’t want to get a callout post over this 😭

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alaraxia · 10 months

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needless to say the vibes were in shambles

#felt like I got whiplash #yeah yeah it’s on me for shuffling a multi-hundred song playlist we literally call The Soup #the weird songs add the tecks ture to the soup #never know what you’ll get #anyway I don’t normally post this much so if y’all are expecting this forever then lol lmao even #mini me #digital art

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josukespimphand · 4 months

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I haven't posted in a while but <333

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru #geto suguru #satosugu #stsg #stsgst #sugusato #my art #doodle from a week or so ago I want to post more stuff soon but I'm slow tired and busy #I don’t get to post like that but hope you guys like

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jetblacknewyear · 6 months

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Me when I take five Benadryl to talk to me ghost brother’s weird friends and no one GETS IT

also they got him a shirt !

#Fnaf #five nights at freddy's #fnaf movie #mike schmidt #vanessa shelly #Fnaf vanessa #My art #tumblr gets it first because I don’t want my work friends to see me post at 4 am :)

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leansquish · 7 months

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I saw this post from @marcydaydream and it really made me want to draw them with inspiration from Hanna K’s drawing (below)

Toxic yuri >:)

#fionna and cake #adventure time #bubbline #princess bubblegum #marceline abadeer #i just thought it was neat #my art #my art posts don’t get attention but that’s fine #NVM THIS POST GOT ATTENTION HOLY COW!#bubbline fanart #adventure time fanart

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vaultlucy · 2 months

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Paul Atreides & Feyd Rautha in Dune: Part Two // Dune by Frank Hubert, Chapter 48

#have another longer web weavy post i was working on but like #they’re mirrors #they’re foils #inversed doppelgängers #you don’t get it #duneedit #feyd x paul #paul atreides #feyd rautha #paul x feyd #feydpaul #paulfeyd #feyd rautha harkonnen #dune part two #dune part 2 #dune #*dune #*

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biboomerangboi · 2 months

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Hua Cheng essentially cockblocking himself for possibly all of eternity will literally never not be the funniest thing MXTX ever wrote.

Xie Lian was pretty much completely in love with him the second he saw those lanterns (and completely oblivious about it) and then we get the wonderful first kiss underwater moment and Xie Lian is basically drawing hearts around Hua Cheng every time he sees him. While like quietly dying cause he literally has no idea what to do with it. Like at this point he doesn’t even really understand that he is head over heels totally gone for this man.

Until Hua Cheng is like I have a beloved I just haven’t won them over yet. Which he thinks is perfectly reasonable because his self esteem is the worst and he doesn’t understand how he could have won Xie Lian over yet. (He’s only on step 22 of his Marrying Dianxia 3000 step Master Plan ((that he debates throwing out on a regular basis because he doesn’t deserve to even dream about wanting Xie Lian)). So course he’s like yeah I have this wonderful noble beautiful beloved I just haven’t won them over yet wink wink nudge nudge.

But Xie Lian is like oh of course obviously I don’t deserve nice things and fuck I actually wanted him so badly I’m actually in love with him and now I will resign myself to never being happy for his sake. (Their combined self esteem is truly a so low it’s a hole in the ground which is hilarious because they think the other person is to good for them and unattainable forever because they literally have the same neurosis.) So he starts boxing up his feelings forever constantly wanting Hua Cheng and feeling guilty about it and literally dying inside because he wants Hua Cheng like he’s never wanted anyone.

Like essentially books 3 and 5 only happen because Hua Cheng has now cursed them both by saying he has a beloved because Xie Lian believes he isn’t wanted and therefore any nice thing Hua Cheng does is just him being nice and not Hua Cheng pulling out steps 23-34 of his plan thinking he still hasn’t won Xie Lian over. (He has he so has but he shot himself in the foot so badly it’s painful to read).

Like thank the Gods Hua Cheng is so unhinged and created the cave of 10000 Gods cause Xie Lian would literally be at his own wedding to Hua Cheng still convinced he wanted someone else and this was in fact a thing they were doing to solve a case together otherwise.

Like he needed something that unhinged to put 2 and 2 together otherwise he never would have caught on he’s Hua Cheng’s beloved. Meanwhile Hua cheng is like 🥺 he’s going to think I’m a weirdo now and I’m only on step 50 of the plan 🥺 like the two of them wouldn’t have been fucking nasty 2 books ago if he just kept his mouth shut and didn’t cockblock himself so violently.

#I hate them I love them they are both so stupid #hualian #tgcf #tian guan ci fu #hua cheng #xie lian #heavens official blessing #heaven official's blessing #hualian meta #tgcf meta #actually don’t know why I’m tagging this as meta I’m just bullying them but you get it #zee rambles #writing them and wanting to die #zees 2am text posts

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goldensunset · 7 months

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did you know? if you do your laundry you can get your clothes back

#fascinating stuff. let’s see if i (person with the worst executive dysfunction when it comes to doing laundry) remember it #i literally have this issue where i’ll let dirty clothes pile up in the laundry basket for an entire month #like it takes me that long to get around to it #and then- who would’ve thought- i find that i don’t have anything good to wear. strange!#finally did it last night and i’m like ohhh that was so difficult but the payoff finally #augh #peach rambles #hall of fame i guess #shut up about socks. idc.#this was a fun positivity post of sorts it’s about overcoming executive dysfunction #derailing into jokes about losing socks is. it’s not horrible but just boring and annoying #it was supposed to be celebration!! and encouragement!!!

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goodluckdetective · 6 months

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Look, this is what moral OCD is like for me:

I walk past a piece of paper. I don’t pick it up because I had a long day at work and it’s very cold outside. This then becomes my internal monologue:

I didn’t pick up that piece of paper, I should have. Don’t I care about the environment? It’s not my trash, I shouldn’t have to pick it up. But also that’s how these things happen right? We place the blame on others as our environment degrades. It was just a piece of paper, it’s not like it can do that much damage. But also how do I know: I’m not an environmental expert. Maybe stray paper scraps are killing the frogs. You’re literally killing the frogs. You should look up how many frogs die a year so you know how shitty you are-No stop it.

I care about the environment, and I recycle and I joined green activism movements but is that enough? I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I should donate my entire check to charity. But isn’t it self serving to think that my one check could help that much? Do I really think I’m that important, how self entitled and-no stop it, reset! You are obsessing and if you fall for it, you will not eat dinner. Let it go.

Okay it’s just a piece of paper. It’s okay you skipped it this once: it could have had something dangerous on it. Yeah that makes sense. But also, that means I’m putting my own safety over trying to help the environment, which is very selfish of me. I’m just one shitty person: god how could I be so self absorbed. I should have picked up the piece of paper. I’m so selfish, and shitty and-no, no, stop it! This is not helpful. It’s fine.

It’s been a long day and I’m cold, that’s not a crime- no that’s being selfish again, you’re making excuses. You’re just a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t care about others, and selfish and God the fact you’re thinking this much about one piece of paper shows how selfish you are, you care more about if you’re a good person than anything else, you’re a piece of shit, you’re a piece of shit, YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT.

I get home and open up Tumblr. The first post I see says “if you don’t reblog this post about the environment you’re as complicit as an oil billionaire.” I close my computer and resign myself to looking up the state frog populations until I go to bed.

I don’t eat dinner.

The amount of frogs that die a year is somewhere from 200 million to over 1 billion.

#moral ocd #ocd #scrupulosity #Iz rambles #this is okay to reblog I think people really don’t get it #mental illness #the issue with the social media post is not that it exists or that OP even feels about this issue: the issue is it validates my ocd #I don’t obsess about frogs but that is a bummer stat I do rather like them #obsessive compulsive disorder

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hamable · 4 months

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Ok no I do have to make it it’s own post bc I don’t remember the book’s scene in detail but Annabeth seeing the fates cut a string at the arch is so fascinating. Bc we know that’s Luke’s string. He’s not dying soon, but it’s been decided when he will die.

The moment the fates decide that Luke will die and when is right after Percy sacrifices himself. Right after he shows Annabeth his care and loyalty. That she is worth saving. That she doesn’t deserve the wrath intended for her. A set of dominoes has just been toppled and when they all finally fall, she will stand between Luke and Percy and choose Percy. From this moment, from this early on, Luke’s fate is sealed.

#sorry to spam the timeline with PJO stuff but I have Thoughts #pjo #percy jackson #percabeth #pjo spoilers #percy jackson spoilers #I don’t remember if she’s the one who sees it happen in the book or not but other people’s posts make me think not?#the scene is significant in and of itself but having her see a fate sealed that will be inadvertently bc of her is soooo good #main trio season 1: it can’t get any worse right? me clutching 9 other books: oh dear

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astearisms · 7 months

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but it ain’t called love without a little tragedy 🍁

#my art #a love letter to betty and simon #getting to explore simon’s journey post AT finale and the nuances of his relationship with Betty has been an experience #I don’t know what’s next but we can only hope closure for them #that betty maybe learns to put herself first after putting every ounce of herself in simon #or that simon learns to let go? or both of them do #assuming we do see Betty again #i am preparing to say farewell to the series once again after the finale #thank you adventure time crew #fionna and cake #fionna and cake spoilers #simon petrikov #betty grof #petrigrof #adventure time #I forgot to mention #this animation was inspired by ‘autumn leaves’ by yves montand #but a cover of it #I was listening to the song because I wanted to learn it on an instrument #it’s a melancholy song about autumn and lost love #and as I heard the lyrics of course I instantly thought of these guys #and then I started drawing #inspiration had a strong grip on me #thank you for reading #and your support #I hope you guys have had as much fun with this show as I have #I’m grateful for it

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