#I don’t ever want to make anyone feel bad
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Idk if this would be too triggering but gn!reader who has scars (unspecified from what) and feeling self conscious so Spencer comforts them and tell them they’re handsome/cute (I’m a boy but idk if you write for male reader so maybe just masc gn reader)
FLAWS • S. REID X READER
gn reader; fluff; non-specific scars (face / arms (implied acne but can be read otherwise)); kissing; teasing; spencer is lovely; mentions of death; 600 words
You tried to avoid picking yourself apart in the mirror, but sometimes you couldn’t help it. Bad days meant finding all of your flaws — all of them: pock-marked skin, lines and dents of cellulite and scar tissue, discoloration, every bit of skin or fat or muscle you wished looked different. You were counting the ones on your cheekbones when Spencer got home from work.
“Why are you staring at yourself like that?” His soft voice interrupts the number you were on (seventeen) and you huff, straightening up and pulling back from the mirror slightly.
“Just looking at some scars,” you try to keep your voice light, rubbing your fingers over the small dots across your skin, like your touch can wipe them away. “I was wondering if the scar cream I’ve been using is working.”
It’s a weak lie and you know it. Spencer bought that for you only two weeks ago, when you mentioned needing to restock skin care and expressed an interest in something for scarring when you were looking at the site together. He bought it for you with a new bottle of your cleanser. “Really?” He raises his brows, stepping closer. You know he doesn’t believe you, but you relax into the way his arms wind around you and his smell when he gets close enough anyways.
“Yeah.”
“You know I don’t like when you lie to me,” Spencer mumbles against your temple. “Are they bothering you?”
“A little,” you admit, tilting your head to kiss his jaw. “Along with all the other ones.”
Spencer softens against you and moves his head so he can kiss you. When you pull away to breathe, he kisses the scars on your cheek. “You know I find you beyond attractive, right?”
You nod. “You always make sure to tell me,”
“Because you deserve to hear it,” he hums, twining his fingers with yours. “I like to see you happy, and I like to compliment you. It’s all true,” his nose drags along your cheek as he kisses the corner of your jaw before moving to trace scars and markings along your shoulders and arms. “None of this is ugly to me. It shows me how strong and wonderful you are and always have been. It’s just a sign that you’re alive.”
You smile.
“I do like that, you know. You being alive,” you snort at his words. “I’m not into the dead.”
“Yet you see them more than me,” you tease and Spencer chuckles, running his thumb over a scar on your hand you’d gotten trying to clean up a vase of his you broke when you were first moving in. You’d panicked over tears and apologies, but he promised you it was okay, cleaned it up, and then cleaned and dressed your wound with the most tenderness you’d ever been given.
“If I could be, I’d be home with you every day.”
“You wouldn’t get sick of me?”
There’s a pause. “Well, with breaks. For both of us. Neither of us can go without our independence.”
You laugh, lightly, your upset with your scars gone. “Bathroom breaks.”
He rolls his eyes. “Clingy,” it’s playful, light, and you know he’d never mean it in a more hurtful way. He loves the way you cling to and wrap around him.
“Only with you.”
“I’m very lucky, then,” Spencer is still rubbing your skin absently and soothingly. “You could make anyone fall in love with you, but I won you over before you found someone else.”
“I wouldn’t want them,” you kiss him softly. “I love you.”
“I love you too,”
not proofread like always. i hope this is general enough :D and ty for requesting <3
#my works#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid x you#spencer reid fic#spencer reid#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfic#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid oneshot#spencer reid scenario#spencer reid fanfiction#criminal minds x reader#spencer reid fluff#requested
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013 with charles!
013. a great ballroom during an elegant party w/ CL16.
— part of a series of drabbles! <3
one day after classes, you had come home to see an unfamiliar elderly woman sitting with your mother in your small flat. your mother had placed her cup of tea down on the coffee table and introduced the lady as your grandmother, and as the current queen of the small kingdom of genovia.
thanks to that one night, you were now here at a genovian ball held in your honour but instead of being out on the floor and mingling with the guests, you had hid in an alcove. a side-effect of becoming the crown princess means a makeover. your hair had been styled to frame your face, and you were wearing more jewels then you’d ever seen in your life. it was a bit much but it’s not like anyone had asked you how you felt about it.
one day you were attending college, crushing on carlos, who was your best friend’s older brother, and now you were the only heir to a kingdom you hadn’t even heard of before.
before you could think about your circumstances any longer, someone had slid themselves into the alcove. you screamed.
“wait! wait! sshh! please!” a hand covered your mouth as your eyes widened in shock. you’re gonna die in an alcove and around five minutes away from your security. your introvert tendencies are going to kill you. this is the worst day of your life.
“don’t kill me! please!” you say, fighting his hand.
“what?” he asks, voice filled with shock. “i’m not going to kill you!”
“you’re not?”
“no!” you can hear an accent when he speaks. “i’m just trying to hide from my responsibilities. i didn’t want you bringing attention to us. this is my hiding spot when i come to genovian balls.”
“are you from here?”
“no. i’m from monaco. my mum is the monegasque ambassador to genovia.”
“explains the accent.” you say. you can’t see him but he stands slightly tall as he leans against the wall opposite you. “i’m y/n.”
“y/n?” his voice is shocked. “y/n, as in the crown princess y/n?”
“indeed.” you sigh. “that is me.”
“what are you doing hiding away? isn’t the queen looking for you?”
“you’re hiding too. isn’t your mother looking for you?”
“touché.” he laughs. “i guess we’re both running from our duties tonight.”
“so, what’s your name. you know mine and i’m at a disadvantage now.”
“charles, charles leclerc.” he laughs. “i never would have thought in a million years i’d be here with you. this alcove is usually empty.”
“is being here with me a bad thing?”
“oh! no! god no! it’s just unusual. who else can say they’ve been here with a princess.”
you chuckle at his response, feeling a bit more at ease with charles's lighthearted demeanor. "well, charles leclerc, i'm glad to have some company in this unusual situation."
he smiles warmly at you, the brightness of his teeth glinting in the darkness. "likewise, princess. i have to admit, this is definitely a first for me."
you both share a moment of quiet companionship, enjoying the brief respite from the grandeur of the ball. it's a strange feeling, finding solace in the presence of a stranger amidst the opulence of royalty.
"perhaps we should head back before we're missed," you suggest reluctantly.
charles nods in agreement, offering you his arm as you both make your way back to the ballroom. as you step into the light and the music surrounds you once again, you can't help but feel grateful for the unexpected connection you've found. you turn to communicate this to charles, only to be shocked into a stupor.
“what is it?” he asks as you stare at him. “something on my face?”
he was very attractive and your face heated up with embarrassment at the fact you accused the very handsome stranger of attempting to murder you. god, he put his hand over your mouth. was your makeup smudged? did you look okay? you had the telltale signs of a crush forming, and you were transported back to high school all over again.
you were definitely calling your best friends about this later tonight.
you shake your head, trying to push aside the embarrassment of your earlier reaction. "no, it's nothing. just... lost in thought for a moment."
charles gives you a curious look, but doesn't press further. instead, he offers you a reassuring smile before leading you back into the bustling ballroom.
as the music swells around you and the guests continue to dance and mingle, you find yourself stealing glances at charles when you think he's not looking. despite the initial shock of your encounter, you can't deny the flutter of excitement in your chest at the prospect of getting to know him better.
the only thing you miss are the glances he sends back.
•───────•°•❀•°•───────•
author’s note: princess diaries au with charles as ur love interest, carlos as lily’s brother and lando as lily. spoilers! charles and reader end up getting married and he becomes her trophy king <3 also, two people requested this prompt!! hope u both enjoyed it <3
#ham1lton’s drabbles 🝮#formula one x reader#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#formula 1 x reader#formula 1 imagine#f1 fanfic#charles leclerc x female reader#charles leclerc x reader#charles leclerc x you#cl16 x reader#cl16 imagine
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I would like to ask permission to beg for more bodyguard!price. I’ve only ever seen Ghost and Christ almighty that post you made makes me only want age difference bodyguard!price forever
thinking about famous!reader who grew up in the spotlight so they’re just not very well-adjusted to johns kind nature
c/w: reader is a little unhinged and insecure, reader has mommy and daddy issues, is touch-starved and just wants to be loved, crying, slight nsfw, implied age gap, suggestive content, as always mdni
you really are kind soul, you’re just in the wrong line of business for someone with such genuine intent. you just want to make music, make people happy, sing your heart out and perform but life has a funny way of working out for people
this was never supposed to be your whole life, at most you wanted a little band that met up every thursday and shared new lyrics or riffs. however, with a winning combination of talent and an overbearing mother, you became a big name
you got swept up in tours, launch parties, award ceremonies and red carpets before you knew it. left you no time for a real life. all your relationships were manufactured up in press meetings about how to boost your reputation or sloppy hook-ups in the bathroom at whatever club you snuck off too in whatever country you’re touring in
john felt bad for you, he really did. that’s why he indulged your behaviour. you’ve never had a real positive influence in your short little life :( how else are you supposed to react when this man comes along? calling you sweet names, keeps a protective hand on you at all times, dedicates his entire life to keep you safe
if he wants to act like a husband then you’ll just have to treat him like one. that’s why you’ve taken to bringing him a glass of ridiculously overpriced scotch in your dressing room after each concert, placing yourself in his lap right afterwards with no shame whatsoever. he knows he should push you off, it’s the right thing to do
“did you like my performance tonight?” you ask, staring straight at him with an expectant smile. you give him exactly two seconds to answer before you hat your eyelids nervously, “what’s wrong with your drink? you’ve barely touched it.”
he didn’t have the heart to tell you that the expensive bottle you bought was being wasted each time you fill the tumbler with crushed ice before pouring the liquor in, completely diluting the flavours and aromas. so he just gives you smile, hand coming up to pinch your cheek in a way that makes your thighs clench before he raises his glass and takes a few generous sips of the scotch to make you happy
“you were amazing, love…” he grunts out, adjusting his hips with you sit on his lap. you pout at his response, wiggling your hips to get more comfortable and he curses his body when he feels his cock chub up against his thigh
“that’s all? I made the hair stylist try something different. didn’t you like it? didn’t you think I looked pretty on stage tonight? if i’ve upset you, you can just tell me you don’t need to act like this…” you ramble off, tears welling up in your lashline with a speed that can only make john sigh
his spare hand comes to rub up and down your back, pressing kisses behind your ear whilst he shushes you quietly. “don’t get so worked up. no need for one of your strops tonight.”
you shoot him a mean glare, one that might terrify literally anyone but him. he knows you’re all bark and no bite. you just need a firm hand to keep you nice and sweet. he’s not against offering that to you, as long as you don’t get the wrong idea :(
he’s definitely not encouraging it, he tells himself when he puts his drink down and manhandles you closer to him. letting you curl up against his chest and sniffle against the material of his dress shirt. he nuzzles his cheek on the top of your head before placing a kiss there
he knows you’re not trying to be a brat, you just want his validation. you want him to tell you how good you are and how you can be better. he can smell your insecurities no matter how much you try and bury them deep inside
he’ll shut this down soon, tell you not to let this become more than a silly crush. but not tonight, he reminds himself. tonight, he’ll do what you pay him to do which is to protect you from anything and anyone. if in his arms is where you feel safe, who is he to deny that?
#captain john price x reader#captain price x reader#price x reader#captain john price#john price x reader#john price#captain price#price#bodyguard!price#mw2#cod mw2
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I always see people talking about Mu Qing and how he did bad things and how some of those things we’re moving on from, how his thought possess is justified, etc. and this is all true. But something that I think gets overlooked is that yes Mu Qing is not a perfect person, but his main argument is neither is anyone else.
Mu Qing grew up HOUNDED by people trying to nitpick every single little thing he does and antagonize him just because they don’t like him. Every good thing he does gets ignored, every bad thing he does gets amplified tenfold. And, Mu Qing KNOWS that he is not a perfect person and he KNOWS that he has done bad things and he acknowledges his major mistakes and he apologizes.
But his whole Deal is not that he’s trying to convince anyone he’s a good person, but that he wants people (like feng xin) to understand how hypocritical they are for criticizing him when they too have done bad things, have had bad thoughts, have hurt people, are not perfect. It’s a clear double standard and he’s sick of it! One major theme of tgcf is that not a single one of us, even gods, are perfect, real “perfection” is an unattainable thing, and that what matters is accepting this and choosing to live in spite of this. I think Mu Qing and Xie Lian represent this point best, and this is also one of many reasons why I think Mu Qing is a bit of a foil to Xie Lian (among other reasons, have we all seen their parallels?). And that’s why he’s so fixated on Xie Lian’s suffering. He isn’t happy that he’s suffering, he’s happy because he feels vindicated. It’s proof that Xie Lian isn’t the perfect little godling prince who can do anything and is loved by everyone that everyone (feng xin, from mu qing’s perspective) seems to act like he is. It’s proof that Mu Qing is right, and that nobody has any right to criticize him. It’s a shitty thing for him to think given the circumstances, of course, but I also think it’s an important distinction to make.
(Some plot spoilers under the cut)
So Mu Qing clearly isn’t a saint, but he’s not a demon either. People who Specifically give Mu Qing a hard time for being a bad friend, for leaving, for being a dick, etc. forget that Feng Xin left too (and also criticized him unjustly). As if someone like Pei Ming didn’t cheat on every woman he’s ever seen. As if Yin Yu didn’t tell Quan Yizhen to go die. As if Jun Wu, Heavenly Emperor, the god of gods, didn’t help destroy a nation in the most painful way possible, physically and psychologically torture a kid, commit a TON of murder, inflict biological warfare at LEAST twice…..etc……..out of all the characters who have done bad things Mu Qing is one of the normal ones.
Not better, not worse.
It’s not that what he did wasn’t bad, it’s that everyone else has done horrible things too, and it’s unfair to call him out specifically when everyone else has just as much if not more baggage to check first.
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So, that episode am I right? Referring to the one that caused that whole shitshow on tumblr.
Did I ever think Sun was sv1c1d@l or depressed? No, not really, that one line he said which seemed to make everything explode didn’t really make me think so. He was dealing with hallucinations telling him everything was his fault and Eclipse had the star, everything was wrong. Honestly, I just related it to a feeling whenever life was getting tough for me.
Was he perfectly fine? No, I’m not saying that. When people saw him as sv1c1d@l I could understand that, I respect it, I just didn’t see it personally myself.
Now the episode, I always saw miku as a way for the show to talk to the fans and people are getting upset at being “called” annoying. But, how else is the show supposed to talk to the fans without breaking the fourth wall, to still have it be a show? I honestly can’t see any other way :/
Could they have shown Sun getting better? They could’ve shown anyone getting better but that’s the price you have to pay when you have so many characters in a show and, when’s the last time anyone’s had a proper healing arc? If we focus on just one character, what about the people who kin other characters?
There’s also YouTube’s guidelines, I doubt the show wants to get age restricted or striked and the show writers aren’t professionals, if they go in-depth about someone’s mental illness and such, they might get things wrong or offend the fans, there’s no avoiding offending the fans though. People would feel misrepresented or stereotyped which is why, they likely won’t go in-depth about such topics, they can also be triggering and such.
But I can see how it’s also offensive, annoying character showing you, but I don’t think there was a problem with her before when she was representing the fans. But hey, it’s a YouTube show, you don’t like how it works? Then don’t watch it, no one’s forcing your HCs away. They aren’t your characters to control, not your story to write. Just because they show symptoms or act a certain way related to something, doesn’t mean the show sees it that way.
All in all, if you don’t like the show, don’t watch it, don’t like where it goes? Too bad, you aren’t getting everything you want.
.
#sun and moon show#the sun and moon show#tsams#sams#tsams confession#< block this if you dont want to see these#mod 1blood#suicide cw#guys pleaseeeee please stop censoring yourselves in submissions. this is not tiktok
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➞ 𝑪𝑨𝑺𝑼𝑨𝑳.
✭ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: you and ted have been “casual” for months now, and you’re over it. when you tell him you want to be more, ted rejects the idea, and you decide to try to get over him. (requested by anon.)
✭ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: erm it’s a little angsty because i love drama 🧍🏻♀️ afab!reader.
✭ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: ~2.5k
✭ 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: splitting this bad boy in two. expect the next, sexier part soon! 😗 no beta, we die like men here. if you see a mistake, no you didn’t.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” You say, and the hand that is lazily rubbing your back stops.
“What do you mean?” Ted asks, raising his eyebrows at you as you sit up, reaching for your bra and shirt that rest at the end of his bed.
Ted sits up as soon as he sees you getting dressed, reaching out to touch your arm in hopes of stopping you.
“I don’t want to do this casual bullshit anymore.” You tell him with a lazy shrug as you clasp your bra. This is something you’ve been ruminating on endlessly, a mighty need to be something more than casual ever-present in your heart.
“Okay…” Ted’s eyebrows furrow, and he turns his body to face you, sitting up straighter. “Okay, then we’ll stop. No harm done.”
You stare at him incredulously, momentarily dropping your shirt into your lap. “Ted, I don’t want to stop,” You huff, wondering how he can be so dense, “I want to be more. I want to be official.”
Ted stays silent for a moment, clearly trying to gather his thoughts. “I thought you said you were okay with being casual.”
“I was!” You reach for your shirt again, hurriedly pulling it over your head. “Casual I can do, but Ted, whatever we’re doing doesn’t feel casual at all. You can’t treat me like a girlfriend in private and then treat me like an acquaintance in public. It fucks with me.”
“(Y/N), I’m sorry, but…” Ted ran a hand down his face, clearly a little frustrated at you reneging on your previous agreement. “I’m not looking for anything serious, I was upfront with you about that from the beginning. I just… I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
You stare at him again, your mouth hanging open just slightly as you try to wrap your mind around what he just said. It was such a, frankly, silly thing to say given how he’s been treating you lately. You two have been spending nearly every free second you have together for months, you both have a key to each other’s places, you make dinner together, and you’ve shared a lot of things that neither of you have ever shared with other people. Any time you’re not together, you’re texting each other all of the random thoughts you have, like neither of you can stand to not be in contact with each other.
Not to mention, the sex is anything but casual. Ted takes his time with you, touching and caressing you like he can’t believe you’re real, like you might dissolve under his hands at any moment. He puts you first every time, his own pleasure be damned. Sex with Ted feels like heaven, like worship, like love.
“…Okay,” You nod slowly, getting up from his bed to put your pants on, grabbing your things from his nightstand. “No harm done.” You repeat his words back to him, avoiding his gaze as you leave his bedroom, and then his apartment — maybe for the last time.
God, you think as you stand in front of the mirror, checking your outfit, I do not want to go to this party.
You know Ted will be there, because of course he will. You both share mutual friends, and it’s not like you can ask anyone to pick sides. You would never dream of doing that anyway, but it’s not like anyone even knows you and Ted were hooking up in the first place.
You stare at yourself for a minute, before deciding to change into something a little sexier. Just because Ted isn’t looking for something serious, it doesn’t mean you aren’t. Maybe you could find someone else at this party, someone who would appreciate you in public as much as they do in private.
Really, it’s not like you’re asking for much. You’re not asking for Ted to make some big announcement, to plaster your photo all over his social media, to bring you up in videos or anything.
You sigh, trying to soothe yourself. No use getting worked up over something like this.
You’re a catch and everyone knows it.
That statement proves to be true the minute you walk through the door. Heads turn, and you have several people’s attention as you dive headfirst into the party, making yourself a drink and allowing yourself to let loose for the evening.
You spot Ted in a sea of people — of course you do, he stands a head taller than a good portion of the crowd — but you pay him no mind. (Well, you try to at least, but you’re only human. You sneak a few glances here and there, but only when you know he isn’t looking.)
You mingle and laugh with some of your friends, sit down to play a drinking game, and even do a little tipsy dancing with some of the people grooving in the living room. You catch Ted watching you from the other room, slowly sipping from a red plastic cup as someone else tries to get his attention.
You don’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction.
As the night starts to wind down and the music changes from upbeat songs to chill jams, you find yourself standing beside the door frame of the kitchen, where things have slowed down and people have funneled out, cradling your half-empty plastic cup in your hands.
“Hey, look who it is.” Schlatt’s voice reaches your ears before you see him. You turn your head just slightly to watch him walk up to you, stopping a little closer than you’re used to.
“Look who it is.” You repeat, smiling up at him. “How’s it going, Big Guy?”
“Just fuckin’ wonderful, now that I know you’re here, sweetheart.” He grins down at you, leaning up against the doorframe with his hand on the space above your head, “You’re lookin’ good tonight. You havin’ fun?”
You turn your body to face him more, resting your back against the door frame, staring up at him. “For the most part, yeah,” You answer honestly. Sure, there is a part of you that’s capital B Bummed about your situation with Ted, but you have had a good time, and — if the rumors surrounding Schlatt were correct — you could probably have an even better time with him.
“‘For the most part’?” He repeats disappointedly, raising his eyebrows. “Listen,” He says, leaning down closer to you, his face inches away from yours. “Why don’t you tell me how I can make your night better, beautiful.” His voice is lower than you’ve heard it before, and it sends a shiver down your spine.
You open your mouth to answer him, ready to tell him that he can take you away from this party and back to his place to show you a good time, but as soon as you start to speak, someone interrupts you.
“Schlatt!” Ted’s voice is chipper, but he claps Schlatt on the back a little too hard to be friendly. “And (Y/N)! What’s up, what’s going on?”
Schlatt doesn’t move from his position, his hand still resting on the doorframe above you, and why would he? It’s not like Ted ever told him about the two of you. As far as Schlatt knows, this is just a friendly interaction.
But you know it’s not. Ted’s smile is far too wide for someone trying to have a normal interaction, and maybe Schlatt will chalk it up to Ted being tipsy, but you can see in Ted’s eyes that he’s pissed.
What does he have to be pissed about? He’s the one that said he isn’t looking for anything. Who does he think he is?
You smile up at Ted, before looking back at Schlatt, “We’re just chattin’. I think we were getting ready to bounce, actually?” You hint at Schlatt, who grins deviously.
“Yeah, sick,” Ted nods slowly, his smile wavering just slightly. If you’d blinked you would have missed it. “Mind if I come too? It’d save me from having to get a Lyft home.”
Oh, my God. He’s cockblocking you. He’s actually cockblocking you.
“I don’t think we’re headed in your direction.” You say, with your own sickly sweet smile on your face.
“Oh, really?” Ted asks, raising his eyebrows, “Where are you guys going?”
“My place.” You tell him through gritted teeth. “Is that okay with you?” You don’t mean to say it, but nevertheless it comes out.
Schlatt can tell something is up, and he quirks an eyebrow curiously. “What the fuck is going on right now? I feel like I’m in the middle of a fuckin’ lover’s quarrel or somethin’.”
Schlatt’s keen observation is met with silence.
“Oh, shit,” He laughs, “I actually am, holy shit.”
“Schlatt—“ You start, but he pushes off of the doorframe, before patting Ted on the shoulder.
“Figure this shit out, man,” He tells Ted, before walking away, still laughing and shaking his head.
“What the fuck, Ted?” You say as soon as Schlatt is out of earshot.
“Don’t ‘what the fuck’ me,” Ted frowns down at you, “What are you doing? Trying to hook up with Schlatt, really?”
You scowl at him. “Yes, really.” You roll your eyes at him, “What’s it to you, anyway? You don’t want me, why do you care if someone else does?”
“I never said that I don’t want—“ Ted sighs a heavy sigh, looking around at the still-crowded party. “Look, can we talk about this somewhere else?”
“We don’t need to talk about this anywhere else. You made yourself pretty fucking clear this morning.”
“Would you just hear me out, please?”
You look at him, and he stares back down at you, a pleading expression on his face. He looks so sincere that you can’t help but give in, no matter how badly you don’t want to.
“Fine.” You spit out, crossing your arms over your chest. “But you’re paying for the Lyft — and we’re going to my place. I’m not about to have to leave your place upset for a second time today.”
The ride to your place is absolutely silent, save for the soft music playing from the radio of your Lyft driver’s car. Neither of you really want to hash this out for a complete stranger to hear, so you both stare out your windows in the backseat until the car pulls up to your place.
You don’t wait for Ted as you walk up to your door and unlock it, stepping inside and immediately kicking your shoes off.
Ted enters shortly after, taking his own shoes off, making himself at home like he always does. He follows you over to the couch and you both sit, an almost uncomfortable distance between the two of you.
“Well?” You say expectantly, looking over at him.
“Okay, look, you have every right to be pissed right now—“
“Yeah I do—“
“(Y/N),” Ted sighs, turning his body to face you, “Can you just let me talk?”
You bite the inside of your cheek, nodding, permitting him to continue.
“I don’t want to be casual either.” Ted starts, and your eyebrows furrow before you can register making a face.
“Then why did you tell me no? What’s changed since this morning?” You cross your arms over your chest, your eyebrows furrowing even deeper as you think about what had gone down this morning.
“I don’t like how it felt to see you with someone else — and with Schlatt, of all people.”
You release a frustrated sigh, standing up from the couch. “At least he seemed genuinely interested in me.” You snark, making your way to your kitchen. You could use a drink right about now if you’re going to rehash this argument.
Ted’s up in a flash, following after you. “(Y/N), I’m interested in you.”
You open your fridge and pull out a drink, rolling your eyes where Ted can’t see. “Really, Ted? Because it seems you’re only interested in me when someone else is.” You pop the top off your drink and toss it in the trash can.
“That’s not fair.”
You nearly slam the fridge shut, whipping around to face him. “Who are you to talk about fair?” You laugh, mirthless. “I’ve been playing by your rules for months but I want to make my own rules and suddenly it’s not fair.”
Ted opens his mouth to speak, but you interrupt him, stepping closer to him, until you’re right in his face. “What’s not fair is stringing me along and treating me like you… like you fucking love me or something in private and then acting like you barely know me in public, like we’re fucking coworkers, despite the fact that you know me more intimately than anyone else in this world.”
“Okay! Okay, you’re right, fuck.” Ted huffs out, rubbing at his temples. “I’ve been a real asshole. I know that.”
He leans back against the countertop, staring over at you with a soft expression. “What I said earlier was fuckin’ stupid. I don’t just want you because I don’t want you to be with someone else.” He bites his lip, pausing to search for the right words. “Look, it’s not… easy, being in the public eye, okay? I said I wasn’t looking for anything serious because I don’t want you to have to deal with assholes on the internet just for existing near me.”
Your own expression softens at his explanation, but you still scowl just a little. “Ted, that should be my decision then, not yours. I’m a big girl, I can handle that shit.”
“I know that.” Ted nods, “I know. I should have just said that in the first place, but (Y/N), I really care about you. Like, a lot, and it would fuckin’ kill me if somebody were to say something mean about you.”
“Like I care,” You can’t help but roll your eyes. You have never and will never care about what any stranger behind a screen has to say about you. “Ted, all that matters is you and me. I don’t give a fuck about what anyone else has to say about it.”
Ted reaches his hand out for you, and as you take it, he pulls you close to him. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He says, leaning down to press a kiss on top of your head. “I want to be with you for real. I’m sorry I was a fucking idiot about it.”
You set your drink down on the counter beside him before wrapping your arms around him, resting your head on his chest. “It’s okay. I get it. You were worried about me, even if you went about it in a real roundabout way.” You tease. “I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to make it up to me.”
You pull back a bit to look up at him and find him smiling down at you mischievously.
“I can think of a few ways.” He murmurs, before switching positions with you to hoist you up onto the counter.
You can’t help the giggle that slips out as his lips find yours, and everything feels normal again.
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🪷 girl fuck these people I'm really sorry you're getting so many messages bitching about no smut in ch10. Like who even cares? Does a story or chapter have no value if the characters aren't going at it like rabbits and fucking and sucking on each other?
At this point if you're so disappointed about no hanky panky just go read one of those pornhwas where the characters start screwing at the drop of a hat.
I would've loved that chapter with smut or without smut idgaf it doesn't even matter to me (and the same is for most of your readers too, I'm sure of it). We've all stuck around with your work for so long, and we have faith in your direction as well as your decisions regarding the pace of the plot. It's never that serious, especially not to the stage that bozos feel the need to weep in a writer's asks and swamp them with negative messages. Go jack off or play dj with your hello kitty and go to sleep like the rest of us.
Again, no matter what you do with your work it's entirely your choice. Ofc we as readers can have our own takes and how or why we interact with the work can vary, but it shouldn't reach this stage. I've seen this same story of bullying and pestering authors on tumblr too many times with other authors whose work I enjoy, and many have left their blogs because the harassment made them lose interest in writing and sharing their pieces. It's fucking heartbreaking. Pornhub dot com is right there for y'all to be doing entirely too much in the asks of these writers who are already overwhelmed and write and share all this FOR FREE. If you have so many qualms about it pick up that bic and get to writing bitch!
I'm sorry babe take care! We love you🫂
AHHH LILYPAD ANON I APPRECIATE U SM THIS MEANS THE WORLD TO ME 😭😭 you’re always so kind to me i sobs
yeahh sigh :( i was just a bit upset that ppl were already finding fault w a chapter i haven’t even released yet just bc it doesn’t have smut in it 😭😭 like i obviously know by now that i can’t make everyone happy, but it’s not right to subtly pressure me into a certain direction for my story (ik this is a normal thing authors/writers have to deal with, i am just a weakling unfortunately 💀💀 my therapist wld agree)
i know it’s not most of my readers though :”) everyone is so sweet n kind n patient, i just don’t understand the some few that think that just bc they tell me they’re disappointed there’s no smut, that i’m somehow gonna go back to my 80pg dissertation of a chapter n make it 100pgs just to add some for them 😅…like no. what it DOES make me feel is icky n sad
frankly it’s really uncomfortable to make an author feel bad that there’s no explicit sexual content in a story 😅 your horny brainrot is showing. like, i AM def planning to write smut in kickoff, there will be multiple smut scenes to come. but even if i suddenly chose not to include them anymore, that’s my right to do so.
and yes, if they want smut, they can write it themselves. why do i need to be the one to write it for you? i don’t owe anyone anything.
i totally agree w you. honestly, i feel bad sometimes setting these boundaries, but you’re SO RIGHT in that SO many authors leave their platforms bc of hateful asks/pressuring comments etc, i’ve seen it time n time again. bc it’s true that it DOES get to people, especially when creating art is already a very stressful thing. i don’t have to passively tolerate rude strangers on the internet just because i’m trying to protect n pursue my passion
thanks sm for trusting my direction :”) and YES absolutely!! i love it when my readers disagree w character actions or emotions, bc characters have flaws n i’m intentional about those flaws, so it’s exciting to see opinions my readers have, even if they’re in disagreement, because it’s interactive w my work. not that i expect anyone to interact ever. i understand that i post on my own accord, so readers can choose whether to interact on their accord as well.
but something about pressuring me into writing explicit sexual content into a story that i’d like to think is a lot more than just smut, is really disheartening.
- ellie 🐸
#sorry babe i kinda went on a rant here but i just am at my wit’s end#love u n tysm for supporting me as always 🥺💕#🪷 anon#asks#kickoff
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Kinktober Day 10: Butt Stuff?(I refuse to use the name of the actual prompt as the title)
Summary: Astarion asks to try something very specific in the bedroom. Ailis agrees even though it makes her nervous.
Hello! My hyperfixation on Astarion has got me in the writing mood so I will be participating in Kinktober using @flightlessangelwings Kinktober list. The pieces may be part of a bigger fic(s). I have started the fic. If you like these pieces in this series, please consider checking out my main fic, This is Me Trying. (Can you tell I like Taylor Swift?) Either way, I hope you enjoy. I do plan on completing the 31 prompts though it will take me past October. I also have the fic posted on AO3.
Warning: Anyone under 18 do not interact. Please pay attention to the tag warnings below.
Tags: Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Lube, Enemas, Light Dom/Sub, Kissing/Gentle Kissing, Feelings Realization
Additional Notes: This fic involves Spawn Astarion and we are back to the sweet and soft version.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from BG3.
Ailis went to pick up the crate of washed dishes when she felt her ass be groped. She whirled around to give the person a piece of her mind and found Astarion smiling at her. He was clearly trying to stifle a laugh.
“Hello, darling,” he said and then kissed her on the cheek. She felt her aggravation slip away, but she didn’t want to completely let him off the hook.
“There are nicer ways to greet me, you know,” she said tersely.
“I disagree,” he replied. “Any chance to touch your perfect behind must be taken.”
“I didn’t know it was you,” she huffed.
“I don’t think Wyll or Gale would be brave enough to try it,” Astarion said with a smirk. “Halsin might, but you most certainly would have heard him coming.”
“Hmm,” she hummed and bent to pick up the crate again. Astarion beat her to it.
“I’ll get that for you,” he said and began to lead them back towards the center of camp.
“You’re going to help with a chore?” she said.
“Well, I am helpful like that,” he replied and she laughed out loud.
“What do you want, Astarion?” she asked.
“Darling, I’m hurt!” he exclaimed, though his broad smile suggested otherwise. “Why would you assume I’d only offer help if I want something?”
“Maybe because I have to badger you to complete camp chores when it’s your turn,” she said. “If you’re offering me any kind of aid, then you want something. Spit it out, Astarion. What do you want?” He set the crate don and pulled her by the waist into a kiss. She smiled against his lips and snuggled in closer to him, wrapping her arms tightly around his torso. When he broke off the kiss, he brushed a strand of her hair off her face and stared into her eyes tenderly.
“I want to try something new with you tonight. I’m not sure if it’s something you’ve done before,” he said. The first time he’d said that to her, she’d scoffed and insisted there wasn’t much she hadn’t tried. She’d been rather adventurous in her youth. Her confidence had proven to be hubris. She’d realized quickly that Astarion had much more sexual experience than her and there was quite a lot she hadn’t tried before. He never once made her feel bad for not knowing something and he was always patient with her if she had concerns. So, the prospect of trying something new with him now intrigued her.
“What do you have in mind?” she asked, her heart fluttered with excitement and anticipation. Astarion smiled as he noticed it and brushed his thumbs across her cheeks as he cradled her head in his hands and kissed her forehead. She smiled. He really wanted whatever was on his mind.
“Have you ever tried anal sex?” he asked, doing his best to sound casual, but he was clearly anxious asking her. Considering her racing heart nearly came to a dead stop at the question, she supposed she understood why he sounded a little hesitant. She shouldn’t be shocked he was asking. He’d never outright asked her before, or even said he wanted anal sex, but he’d hinted at it with words and touches. She knew Astarion wanted in her ass. She’d have thought, as a vampire spawn, he’d be more of a neck guy. And right now, she really wished he was. She wasn’t sure how she felt regarding anal sex. She didn’t think it was wrong or anything, but the concept of it made her nervous. That’s why she’d skirted around his hints before. She couldn’t do that now that he’d outright asked her and was waiting on an answer.
“No,” she said, drawing out the word. “I haven’t.” Astarion nodded, even though she knew he’d expected that answer.
“Are you interested in trying it?” he asked. He had his arms wrapped around her waist, but not so tightly she couldn’t break free of his hold. He was giving her the choice to stay close to him or take space if she needed it. For that reason alone, she didn’t pull away and reached up with one hand to gently tug at a white curl resting above his forehead.
“I’m guessing you are?” she said, avoiding the question. He smirked. He knew what she was doing.
“I’ve had anal sex before, Ailis. Giving and receiving. You know this,” he said. She nodded. She knew. “I would like to try it with you, but I’m not sure how you feel about it, other than that it clearly makes you nervous. Are you at all interested?” She squirmed and tried to think of a way to divert the conversation, but her mind stayed blank. She glanced at his expectant gaze and sighed.
“I’ve never considered it before,” she said. He didn’t look surprised.
“Are you willing to consider it now?” he asked softly, running a hand gently up and down her back, trying to ease her tension. She hesitated.
“Won’t it be painful?” she asked, thinking about where his dick would breach. The anus wasn’t the vagina. It wasn’t designed to have anything go up it.
“There may be some pain,” he admitted, “but with proper prep it shouldn’t be unbearable.” She pursed her lips as she thought about it. “Ailis.” She glanced back at his face. “Do you really think I’d suggest something that would cause you tremendous pain?” That questioned settled it for her.
“No,” she said. “I don’t. All right. We can try it.” He smiled widely at her and pulled her in closer for a kiss.
“Meet me at our spot in fifteen minutes,” he told her and then hurried off. She smiled fondly at his retreating figure until her eyes landed on the crate of clean plates.
“What an asshole,” she sighed, and grabbed the crate and headed back to camp.
Fifteen minutes later, Ailis stepped into the abandoned building of the Last Light Inn that she and Astarion had essentially made their hook up spot. He was already there, pulling a clean sheet over the mattress. She saw he had supplies ready on the bedside table. The bottle of oil didn’t surprise her, but she didn’t know what to think at the sight of the 2-liter bag attached to a tube and nozzle.
“Hello, darling,” Astarion greeted her as he approached. He pulled her into a kiss. “Ready?”
“I guess. I’m nervous,” she admitted. He gave her a soft smile and kissed her forehead.
“That’s understandable, but you’re with a professional,” he said. “I’ll make this a good experience for you.” She smiled and leaned into his chest as she wrapped her arms around him in a hug. His own wrapped around her torso and he squeezed her tightly against him. He kissed the crown of her head and they stayed that way for a moment, both enjoying the other’s presence.
“Okay,” she said, pulling a way. “Let’s get started.” His lips quirked up in an amused smile.
“All right,” he agreed and lifted the 2-liter bag of water up off the nightstand. “Let’s get started on the prep work. Do you know what this is?” She was about to shake her head, but then paled as realization hit her.
“Is that an enema?” she asked appalled. Astarion put down the enema bag on the bed.
“It is,” he said evenly. She could tell her was trying to keep her from freaking out, but also giving her space to have an honest reaction. That was probably the only reason why she didn’t flee immediately.
“Why do you have that?” she asked.
“It’s part of the prep. Anal sex can be messy. Taking an enema first can fix that problem,” he explained.
“So, you want me to…” She broke off. She couldn’t finish that sentence. “Is it really necessary?”
“It is for me,” he said. “I’ve had to deal with the mess before and it’s never been my choice. I won’t do this without you taking the enema.” His voice was firm, but he wasn’t arguing with her, or trying to be difficult. He was just setting a boundary. But his boundary was pushing at one of her own.
“I…” She didn’t really know what to say.
“Ailis, have you ever had an enema before?” he asked. Her face turned tomato red. Her instinct was to deny it, but instead she nodded, while at the same time, wrapping her arms tightly around herself in a self-soothing hug. “I take it that it wasn’t a good experience.” He said it softly.
“It was not,” she said stiffly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m not going to make you talk about it, but I would like to understand why you are so averse to it,” he replied. “Did it cause you pain? Were you…”
“It was embarrassing, okay?” she snapped. “I felt shamed over it for weeks!” She found herself pulled into a tight hug. She slowly felt her tension ease and she unwrapped her arms from her own torso to wind around his.
“I’m sorry you were made to feel shame over it before,” he murmured softly in her ear. “I don’t know who administered one to you before, an old lover or your mother, but you didn’t deserve to be made to feel bad over it.” He tipped her chin up to make eye contact with her. “I promise I won’t do that to you. We’ll get it done and over with and move on to more enjoyable activities. It won’t be brought up outside of here.” She believed him, but she still hesitated. He played with a loose strand of her hair.
“We also don’ have to do this, Ailis,” he said. “It’s okay if you change your mind.”
“But you want this,” she said.
“I do,” he said, “but not at your expense. We can do something else that you’re more comfortable with.” She buried her face in his chest and he ran his hands soothingly up and down her back and stamped an occasional kiss to the top of her head. She sighed after a moment and pulled back.
“How do you need me positioned to administer it?” she asked.
“You’re certain, Ailis?” he asked and she nodded. “All right, then. Come to this side of the bed and lie on your side facing the door. Remove your pants and undergarment first.” She did as he directed. He adjusted her to be centered a little closer to the middle of the bed, and then hooked the enema bag to the bedpost. She started to roll over onto her stomach and raise her hips, but he stopped her.
“You don’t need to get in that position, darling,” he told her softly. He gently pushed her right leg up until her knee was parallel to her chest. She saw him reach for the oil and knew he was putting some on the nozzle. She jumped when he fingers spread some oil around her entrance, and then tensed when she felt the nozzle nudge at it.
“I need you to relax,” Astarion said soothingly. “Take a deep breath for me.” She did as he said and felt some of her tension ease from her. At the same moment, she felt the nozzle slide into her and she made a face. It didn’t hurt, but it was uncomfortable. And if this was uncomfortable, she couldn’t imagine how his dick would feel. Her thoughts broke off from that though, when she felt water begin to flow into her. She flinched and Astarion immediately climbed into bed behind her and pulled her back to his chest while murmuring words of encouragement in her ear. She tried to focus on the words he was saying, but it was hard to focus on anything other than the odd sensation of watering flowing into her. Her stomach began to feel full and tight and suddenly a cramp ripped across her lower abdomen. She whimpered, and the flow of water stopped.
“Cramp?” Astarion asked. She nodded and squeezed her eyes shut as another rolled through her. Astarion lowered a hand to her distended abdomen and massaged it, trying to ease the cramp. She sucked in a few deep breaths and finally her muscles relaxed. “That’s it. You’re doing so well. You only have half left.”
“There’s still that much left?” she whined. He kissed her cheek.
“It’ll be over soon, Ailis,” he assured her. She sighed, but nodded, and he unclamped the tube. She grimaced as the water began to flow again. She began to curl in on herself as another cramp tore at her abdomen. She felt Astarion reach for the clamp again, but she stopped him.
“Leave it. I want this over with sooner rather than later,” she said through gritted teeth.
“But you’re in pain,” he replied.
“I’ve felt worse. Just let it empty,” she growled. He sighed, but left the clamp alone. He moved his hand back to her abdomen and tried to tub out the cramp. After another moment the water stopped. “Is it done?”
“Yes, but I want you to try and hold it for fifteen minutes,” he replied.
“What? Why?” she cried.
“To ensure your entire system is cleared out,” he said and she groaned.
���Fine,” she agreed sullenly.
“Do you want me to remove the nozzle?” he asked. “You might feel more secure with it in.”
“No, I want it out,” she said insistently.
“Of course, darling,” he replied and she felt him gently ease it out of her. She immediately curled up into a ball. He curled around her and stroked her hair. She tried to breathe her way through cramps, but they kept increasing and it wasn’t long before she felt the urge to go.
“How long has it been?” she asked.
“Five minutes,” he answered. She whined.
“I have to go,” she complained.
“Try to hold it a little longer, Ailis,” he told her. “Ten minutes isn’t as long as it feels.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one dealing with these cramps,” she grumbled. He kissed the top of her head.
“You’re almost done,” he assured her. She muttered a few curses under her breath and he laughed. She tried to focus on his hands gently stroking her wherever he touched rather than on the cramps, but she was fighting a losing battle.
“I can’t!” she cried. “I need to…I’m going to…”
“All right. It’s all right, darling. Go,” he said and she shot off the bed and out the door. She didn’t even take the time to slip on her pants. She just hoped none of her companions were around to see her.
About twenty minutes later, she rejoined Astarion in the abandoned building. She saw he’d cleaned up and put away the enema equipment and she felt immensely grateful to him. He looked up at her cautiously from where he sat on the bed and held his arms out to her. She rushed into them and he pulled her down on his lap for comfort. She buried her face in his neck and he held her tightly as he began to rock her. It wasn’t long before she felt her nerves were soothed and she remembered why she’d agreed to that particular prep work. And although she still felt nervous over it, she decided to move the night forward.
She stamped a kiss to his neck and then his jaw and then the corner of his mouth. When he started to smile, she kissed him deeply, moving a hand up to frame his face while the other tangled in his hair at the base of his head. He held her tighter in return. When the kiss finally broke, she leaned back and removed her shirt and upper garment. She reached for the base of his shirt, but he grabbed her hand and stopped her.
“Not yet, darling,” he said and pressed a kiss to her palm. “There’s certain logistics that need to be discussed.”
“Such as?” she asked nervously.
“I know you typically like to be face to face during the act, but it might be physically easier on you if I enter from behind,” he said cautiously. She hesitated. Since they had found their spot at the Last Light Inn, they had been able to expand upon sexual positions they enjoyed as she was less likely to be triggered looking down on a mattress than dirt that reminded her of her trauma. That being said, her nerves were on fire. She wasn’t sure she liked the idea of not being easily able to see his face.
“I’m not sure,” she replied. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“Do you think you can manage it while I prep you?” he asked. “I’m not trying to push your boundaries, Ailis. I just want to make this as easy on you as possible.”
“I think I can handle that,” she said hesitantly and he kissed her again.
“Stand up for a minute for me, darling,” he ordered and she obeyed. She watched as he removed his shirt and then adjusted the pills on the bed. When he had them how he wanted them, he guided her down onto the bed. He maneuvered her so her hips rested on a pillow, raising her ass in the air. He’d also arranged a pillow for her to hold onto if she wanted. She wasn’t normally inclined to grasp onto her hide moans in a pillow, but tonight she thought there was a chance she’d need to. She squeezed the pillow and tensed when she saw him take the jar of oil from the nightstand.
“I need you to relax for me, darling,” he said, running a soothing hand up and down her spine. “Take a few deep breaths.” She did as he said and slowly relaxed. She heard him uncap the bottle and then he parted her cheeks so he could access her more easily. She stiffened again when she felt a cool, wet finger press against her puckered hole. He pressed a kiss to the bottom of her spine and she took another deep breath as he played around her entrance, applying pressure, but not yet breaching it. As she got used to the sensation, she finally relaxed completely and that’s when he pushed in. She squawked at the foreign sensation as he slowly pushed into her and tensed. She felt every groove in his finger as she clenched around it.
“Are you all right? Does this hurt?” he checked in.
“It doesn’t hurt,” she replied. “But it…it feels weird.”
“Good weird or bad weird?” Astarion asked and she looked over her shoulder to see him grinning in amusement. She scowled.
“Just weird,” she replied tersely. His free hand soothingly massaged the back of one of her thighs.
“You’ll get used to the feeling,” he promised. “I know if can be shocking the first time. Now try and relax again, darling. I can’t move without hurting you while you’re this tensed against me.” She listened and took a few deep breaths. This time, she also fantasized over their post-coital cuddling and her muscles eased up faster.
“That’s good, darling,” he praised and began to move his finger inside her. Her brows furrowed at the strange sensation, but after a while, she did grow accustomed to his exploratory thrusts. And it wasn’t awful. She could feel a spark of interest between her legs, but the interest died when she felt another finger at her entrance. He began to slide a second finger in with the first, and this time, there was pain. She tensed and the pain sharpened as she stretched around his fingers. She let out a sputtering gasp, and he stopped.
“You need to relax, darling. You’ll only make this painful if you’re this tense,” Astarion said.
“I tensed because it hurts,” she panted between quick breaths.
“It can be a little painful at first. It shouldn’t be unbearable though. I’ll use more oil,” he told her and removed both fingers. She took the moment to suck in a few deep breaths and almost managed to relax before both fingers were at her entrance again. They slowly pushed in, but even with the extra oil, there was still a slight pain from the stretch. She focused on her breathing and tried to set her mind on a fantasy of the them together, but she couldn’t fully ignore the odd feeling of his fingers dragging against her inner walls in a part of her body she was growing more and more sure of that he didn’t belong in.
“Tell him to stop then,” a voice inside her head said. She opened her mouth to do so, but stopped. This was something Astarion really wanted. He’d asked her for this, and despite always being the one in charge of their sexual escapades, he rarely asked for anything. She had to at least give it a fair chance, and in her opinion, two fingers were not a fair chance. Two fingers were barely a chance at all. So, she continued to draw in shallow breaths until his fingers were pushed fully inside her. He stopped moving and she tried to focus her mind on anything but the ache caused by his fingers inside her.
Thankfully, he also wanted her mind on something else. He leaned over her and kissed her cheek. He trailed kissed up to her ear and sucked the lobe into his mouth. She gasped and couldn’t help a slight thrust of her hips. The movement caused him to move inside her, but he didn’t give her a second to think about the slight pain it caused. He used his free hand to brush her hair off her neck and began to kiss and nibble his way down her neck. He then moved to a shoulder blade and pressed a soft kiss to it before he bit down, though not hard enough to break skin. This time when she thrust down, there was enough friction to tease her clit and a spike of pleasure went through her so strong that even his fingers inside her felt good and she moaned.
She felt him smile against her shoulder, and he started to move his fingers inside her again. There was a slight sting as he pumped and scissored her open, but she was beginning to enjoy the feeling. She experimentally thrust her hips back towards him and groaned as his fingers sunk impossibly deeper insider her.
“Mmm. Yes. That’s it, darling,” he practically purred.
“Harder,” she ordered and he laughed but obeyed. He thrust harshly into her a few times and she chased after her please as she thrust into the pillow and then back on his fingers. She let out a frustrated whine when he removed his fingers completely. She opened her mouth to complain, but her jaw snapped shut when she felt three fingers prodding at her entrance. She tried to remain relaxed and focus on the pleasure she’d been feeling, but she couldn’t even think to move her hips to get friction as the sharp, burning sting returned worse than ever as he stretched her wide. She bit her lip as her eyes watered and tried to bear it, but the pain worsened the deeper he went and she whimpered, feeling a tear spill over and down her cheek. He immediately removed his fingers.
“Okay, Ailis. I’m stopping,” he said in a soothing tone. He tried to help her roll over, but she resisted.
“No. I’m fine,” she said, quickly brushing the tear away. “You can continue.” She glanced over her shoulder and saw him frowning.
“Ailis, you clearly don’t like this,” he said.
“I was enjoying it a minute ago. I just need to adjust. Now, come on,” she urged, raising her hips up to put her ass on display, trying to tempt him back into sex.
“Ailis, sit up,” he ordered and she sighed. She shifted onto her side and rested her head on her hand so she could look up at him. He brushed a strand of hair out of her face and gave her a soft look. “Why are you trying to force yourself through this and why do you want me to let you?”
“You asked to try this,” she said, frowning.
“Yes. And you agreed to it,” he said, “but you aren’t enjoying this.”
“I was enjoying it a few minutes ago. I just…”
“You were enjoying humping against the pillow,” he said. “You were tolerating me fingering your ass.” She scowled.
“I didn’t tell you to stop, so why are you?” she snapped. “You have the go ahead.”
“Why would I want to keep doing something you’re not enjoying?” he said.
“You like anal sex,” she said.
“Yes, but I like you more and you don’t,” he replied looking completely baffled by her obstinance.
“You asked for this. You almost never ask for anything when it comes to sex,” she cried. “So, I need to give this a fair chance.” He stared at her with wide eyes and tugged his hair with his hands before taking a deep and unneeded breath.
“I think you’ve given it a fair chance, Ailis,” he said gently.
“A few fingers aren’t a fair chance,” she argued.
“I think it is,” he said. Angry tears filled her eyes.
“Well, I don’t,” she replied. “It’s not a fair chance until you get your dick in me and actually fuck me.” The tears spilled over. He brushed them away before she could.
“I think we should stop, Ailis,” he said softly.
“No,” she refused. He sighed, but nodded.
“I’m only going to agree to continue if you accept my bargain, all right?” he said.
“What bargain?” she asked.
“If you aren’t enjoying it after I’m inside you after three thrusts, we’re putting an end to this,” he stated firmly. “I think we should put an end to this now, but I will continue against my better judgement if you agree to this bargain.”
“Ten thrusts,” she bargained.
“Five,” he returned with a sigh.
“Eight.”
“Five, Ailis,” he said. “No more.”
“Fine,” she snapped. “Five.” She flopped back over on her stomach. He snorted. She waited for him to resume prepping her, but he draped himself over her back and grabbed her arm and then brought I down underneath her and settled her fingers over her core.
“Touch yourself,” he ordered.
“W…what?” she said. He pressed their entwined hands down so her fingers put pressure on her clit. She gasped.
“Touch yourself,” he repeated, practically growling in her ear. She mewled and began rubbing circles over her clit. He removed his hand as she began to work herself over. His fingers returned to her entrance. She hesitated for a second. “Don’t stop, Ailis.” She continued and he sunk one, then two fingers back inside her. She groaned, but any discomfort she felt was outweighed by the pleasure from the attention she was giving to her clit. He thrust his fingers in her once, then twice, and on the third thrust, she pushed her hips back to meet him.
The next time she felt him at her entrance, three fingers breached her. The burn returned, but she continued to play with herself and after a moment, the burn eased and she fucked herself back on his fingers as he pushed into her and scissored her open. Suddenly, he removed all fingers and she whined in complaint.
“Sorry, darling, but I believe you wanted a change of position,” Astarion teased, rolling her over onto her back. She reached up for him to pull him into a kiss and he humored her. When he pulled away, he reached for the pillow under her and tugged it until she was positioned how he wanted her, with her hips lifted up off the mattress. He removed his pants and undergarment and she saw his thick and turgid cock and felt a spark of anxiety. It was far larger than three fingers.
“You’re not going to fit,” she said. He smirked, and she could tell he was stifling a laugh.
“I’ll fit,” he assured her. “Are you ready?” She wasn’t sure, but she nodded. His cocked lined up to her entrance and began to push in. The burn was worse than each time before. She bit her lip to keep from whimpering, but she couldn’t help a tear from escaping. “I can stop, Ailis.”
“We agreed on five thrusts,” she ground out through gritted teeth.
“But if this is unbearable for you…”
“It’s not. Continue,” she ordered. He sighed.
“Try to relax. And keep touching yourself, Ailis. I didn’t tell you that you could stop,” he said. She groaned and did as he ordered, increasing pressure on her clit to combat the burn as he pushed into her until finally, he bottomed out. She panted as she tried to adjust to him. Astarion was large. Even vaginally, he was a lot to take, but she didn’t think she ever felt so full as she did right now. She used the arm she wasn’t using to pleasure herself to wrap around his waist to keep him close. He kissed her damp cheek and then slowly began to slide out. He pulled back only about halfway, before slowly thrusting back in. She took a deep breath and bore another two thrusts. On the fourth her drew back farther, and she wrapped a leg around him and pushed at him when he thrust in, forcing him somehow even deeper inside her.
They both groaned, and Astarion stopped holding back. He pulled all the way out, and then shoved back in. She felt the burn of it, but the sensation was almost pleasurable now. The next time he thrust in she pushed forward to meet him. One of his hands found hers and forced it to the mattress by her head, and held it there gently with his own. They kissed sloppily, though passionately as they moved together, panting into each other’s open mouths as they joined together. Ailis felt his rhythm start to falter and knew he was about to cum. She was nearly there herself. Tension was building in her core. Sparks of pleasure shooting off like electricity as she played over her clit. Muscles in her thighs and core were twitching and she felt her cunt start to clench. She increased the pressure on her clit and her body jerked as she went over the edge. All thought seeped from her mind as the world around her faded.
When she came back to herself, she noticed Astarion had stopped moving. He laid across her torso, and was pressing gentle kisses to her neck. She could feel him still inside her, though he was soft now. He’d also found release. She lifted a hand and carded it through his now messy, white curls. He smiled against her jugular and then pushed himself up so he could look at her face.
“How are you feeling, darling,” he asked. His smile was fond and relaxed, but she saw caution and worry in his eyes. She cupped his face in her hands and gently pulled him down to her for a deep and languorous kiss.
“Never been better,” she replied when the kiss ended. He smiled and stroked her cheek.
“Did you like it though?” he asked. “And don’t lie to me. Please.” She hesitated, and thought over her response. She didn’t hate it, but…
“Maybe we can relegate it to special occasions,” she said. “When is your birthday?” He laughed and kissed her again. When he pulled back this time, he also pulled out of her and she winced. He immediately moved down her body to inspect her entrance. She grimaced as he probed a her gently for a moment.
“No tears,” he told her.
“I didn’t think there would be,” she said. “You said you’d make this a good experience for me.” He smiled and they kissed again before he rolled off of her and then pulled her back against his chest. His arms wrapped snuggly around her.
“Thank you for this,” he murmured in her ear. She smiled, and snuggled back against him, trying to eliminate any space between their skin. She started to drift off to sleep when suddenly her eyes shot open wide ad her heart began to pound against her ribcage. The cold, icy grip of fear latched onto her as she realized what she’d been trying to suppress for weeks now. What she felt was the absolute truth. This was no longer a fling to her. She loved him…and that terrified her.
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They fall back into silence, and this one lasts longer than the others had. Mumbo is starting to feel miffed, himself, the more he thinks on it. The more he focuses on the pit in his stomach, and the two years of radio silence, and everything that used to be normal and isn’t anymore.
Grian disappeared on him.
“I’m sorry,” Grian says finally, and he sounds genuine enough that Mumbo’s shoulders relax. Against his will. All the miffed-ness seeps right out of him and into the ground, gone forever. It is inconvenient, because Mumbo was planning on staying miffed, but he has known for awhile now that Grian can do this to him whenever he wants just by sounding a little bit sad. He has (mostly) made his peace with it. “It was weird. I've been weird. Sorry.”
“...it’s alright, G,” he finds himself saying, sighing a little. He wants to say more. He tries to gather his thoughts, and a little bit of courage too, and he continues, “I love you, mate, that’s why I don’t like it when you — when you get weird like that, when you pull away. We were having a nice conversation. We could just go back to that, why don’t we go back to that?” Why do you keep dragging us away from nice conversations, he wants to ask, why do you shut down, why do you say those things but never really talk to me?
Another long pause, and Mumbo reminds himself to be patient, though his leg has started an anxious wobble. “You… what?” Grian asks, and gods above, his voice is watery . Mumbo’s stomach drops.
“I —” he’s already stumbling over his words, great. “I don’t like it when you get — ? Oh. Oh, you mean the other thing. The I love you thing. I’m — I mean. Should I not have said that?” Right, he is sweating now. Properly sweating. His head hurts and he thinks it’s the emotional whiplash. Because that’s what this conversation has given him. Emotional whiplash.
“I just thought — well, you know, we’ve been friends a long time. Good friends, really good friends. You’re my best friend, actually. Now that I think about it. Certainly haven’t got one better. Not that I’m ranking you, oh dear, don’t go telling people that I’m ranking my friends, just — best friends? That’s something normally people say, isn’t it? It isn’t weird? So I love you. Ah. I’ve said it again. I can take it back if — do you want me to take it back?”
(Please don’t ask him to take it back. He does not want to take it back.
He doesn’t — he doesn’t want the version of Grian who makes him take it back. That sounds bad, doesn’t it? He doesn’t mean it that way. He wants Grian , whatever Grian might be like, and it’s not like he’s ever abandoning this friendship for anything, but he has known this version of Grian: the one who vies and vies for attention but scrambles back the moment it’s given, the Grian who loves to be noticed but hates to be seen, who’s a lot less careful with the hearts in his hands, who’s a little bit more mean. There was a Grian who would have died before admitting that he cared about something or someone, anything or anyone — who’d shrug off praise for builds he’d poured months into, desperately pretending that it didn’t make him glow.
Eventually Mumbo got to have a happier Grian, a bright and open and honest Grian. That Grian disappeared, and in moments like these, Mumbo feels like he didn’t come back.)
“No,” Grian says, and Mumbo accidentally sighs out loud with relief. “No, you don’t have to take it back. You dork. No. It’s okay. I — me too. I mean. Yeah. Me too.”
They sit with these three words between them (two in Grian’s case, but yes, Mumbo does know what he means) for several uncomfortable seconds.
Where did you go, Mumbo is thinking, and his chest aches with it — where did you go, and what did it do to you?
...
from quality entertainment, chapter 3 (ao3)
watcher grian! waffle duo agony!! huzzah
#watcher grian#watchers#mumbo jumbo#waffle duo#hermitfic#hermitblr#hermitcraft#hermitcraft fanfic#angst#angst with a happy ending#the happy ending is coming i promise
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Heated ~ pt.15
Pt.1 ~ Pt.2 ~ Pt.3 ~ Pt.4 ~ Pt.5 ~ Pt.6 ~ Pt.7 ~ Pt.8 ~ Pt.9 ~ Pt.10 ~Pt.11 ~ Pt.12 ~ Pt.13 ~ Pt.14 ~ Pt.15
Masterlist
Summary: This is an ABO Bad batch!Poly x Omega Reader smut with a plot. This takes place as an AU before order 66. Y/N previously served under the 501st before being transferred to Special Forces 99. This is her adventure with these rowdy Alphas in a quickly changing universe.
THIS IS AN ABO AU ABOUT THE BAD BATCH (NO CANON OMEGA!) Due to the unfortunate situation of her name being Omega… Omega the child from the canon series is not going to be apart of this fanfic/porn with a plot. I feel obligated to put this warning in because it makes my skin crawl thinking anyone could make that mistake.
Warnings: SHORT CHAPTER. FILLER CHAPTER IF YOU WILL... Mentions of omega trafficking, Tarkin's up to some sus shit, imperials everywhere.
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The warm sun on your face made you sigh in content. Looking up, Ord Mantel’s yellow star shone down on you like a warm summer day. You ran your fingers over the soft blanket below you, cushioned by the softest grass you’d ever touched.
Growing up on Coruscant, seeing this much greenery was still such a novelty to you. It was amazing in every way, and you always wished you had grown up on a planet like Naboo instead.
“Adi’ka.” A distant voice called out to you.
You continued to pear up at the cerulean sky when a shadow eclipsed you. You looked up adjusting your vision to peer up at your alpha…
You traced a finger over the tattoo covering his eye, before affectionately running your fingers through his lengthening silver hair.
You happily sighed, “Cross.”
He smiled down at you admiring your form before running the back of his fingers over your hair, cheek, then neck. He smiled making your heart flutter.
He mumbled something while dancing his fingers over your collar bone making you quirk your head, “what alpha?”
“I said,” His soft expression suddenly turned wicked and depraved. His hand shot out locking around your throat in a vice grip. Suddenly the sun was gone and replaced with pouring rain and what was once warm and welcoming was now a lightening filled storm, “I’m coming for you…adi’ka.”
You shot up in bed grabbing at your neck gasping for air looking around like a feral hound.
“What?” Tech shot up looking at you before looking around forcing himself to be alert.
Wrecker and Hunter came bursting through the door not even a minute later while you were still sitting there trying to catch your breath. Tech rubbed soothing circles into your shoulder blades comforting you.
“Bad dream.” Tech said trying to explain to the others.
Hunter sighed letting the tension fall from his shoulders. You knew he must have heard you from his room and thought you were in danger.
You finally got a deep breath down before turning to look at the concerned soldiers, “It was about Cross.” You rubbed your neck tugging at the collar of tech’s shirt, “I’m alright. It just frightened me.”
Wrecker looked worried. You smiled at him before lying back down.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hunter asked, “I-we haven’t really talked about what happened.”
Tech leaned back on the mattress pulling you into his chest.
“It’s okay.” You shook your head, “I think it’s better if I don’t think about it.” Even though you couldn’t feel the pain of the bond, the empty feeling still hasn’t repaired itself and you were starting to think it might never.
“Okay well if you need anything.” Hunter said turning to leave you and Tech alone.
“Wait.” You perked your head up, “Can you both stay? I just…”
“Of course mega.” Wrecker was thrilled and crawled into the bed on the other side of you. You snuggled into his warmth while Hunter crawled nearly on top of you to lay his head on your hip. His added weight really helped calm the anxieties while you were now surrounded in warmth and safety. It was reminding you of Mimban when everyone was piled into your nest all cramped up and on top of one another.
You sighed feeling alright to sleep again.
“Thank you.” You whispered before closing your eyes and forcing yourself to drift off into sleep comforted by your alphas.
~~~
“So I need you to help me bring in 15 cases of Nabboolian wine out back.” Cid was looking at the check list while you and the droids she owned helped start to drag in the crates. You just followed her directions and got to work.
Your new muscles from all your training was really coming in handy. The shipping crates weren’t even phasing you while you pulled the bottles and started placing them on the shelves.
You got through those boxes quickly and made quick work of restocking the snack packs and filling the little bowls to set out on all the tables. The spicy treat was a favorite of the locals you noticed, you kept track of all of the incoming shipments making sure to send Cid the updated roster.
“Hey Cid?” You stacked as many bowls as possible onto of one another walking out towards the bar, “I have the updated roster, so you want me to send it to you or just leave it on the data-”
Cid suddenly barreled into you shoving you back into the supply closet, “Go. Go! Shh!”
You scrunched your brows but followed her lead and stepped back into the back room.
“What?” You whispered still clutching onto the bowls.
“There’s imps out there.” She whispered poking her head back out from the door to get another view.
“Imperials?” Your blood ran cold. There has never been imperial’s on Ord Mantel before.
“Thats what I said sweet cheeks.” She snapped.
“Why are they here?” You asked putting down the bowls making sure you did infect have your blaster on you.
“I don’t know.” She shook her head, “I think they’re just passing through.”
You poked your head out just barely catching a glimpse of their white plastoid armor. The new storm troopers you saw on the holonet. It was a pathetic attempt of copying the clone’s armor. According to all of the news streams there was a new mandatory civilian conscription going on. These were no clones, none of your friends, just strangers under the imperial dictatorship.
“All the way out here?” You whispered watching them sit down in the corner booth your boys claimed as their own.
“I don’t like this.” Cid turned back to look at you, “Your boys will be real upset with me if something happened to you sweet cheeks, you better go up stairs and wait till they're gone. I’m taking you off the clock.” She fapped her claws at you and you nodded without a word untying your apron and scurrying out the back to the fire escape where you climbed the stairs to get to the apartments above.
You were feeling your anxiety start to creep back in as you fumbled to unlock the padlock. Once the door slid open you stepped inside forcing a deep breath into your lungs. Flashes of the horrible dream you had last night came flooding back and the feeling of Crosshair’s calloused hands snaking around your throat.
You flung yourself down into the nest by the window trying to calm yourself down.
~~~
“Cid sent us a message.” Tech Hunter said walking into the bar while opening the ping.
Behind him, Tech was yapping about the flora spawning this time of year after the rains while Wrecker chowed down on some kind of massive roasted bird leg.
“What does it say?” Echo asked when they stepped inside.
Hunter stopped dead in his tracks noticing all of the white amongst the usually colorful crowd. His gaze immediately went to the bar looking for you, but instead he found Cid. He noticed the way she casually signaled a claw up at the ceiling letting him know you were hidden and safe.
“Imperials.” Tech pushed up his glasses looking around at the cantina.
“What are they doing out here?” Wrecker wondered allowed finishing off his bird leg.
“Your guess is as good as mine.” Hunter walked forwards trying to remain casual. The three clones stepped down inside the building getting settled in like they were also just passing through. They sat down at the bar ordering a drink each and reaching into the snack bowls.
Tech started another conversation with Wrecker while Hunter was carefully listing in on the storm troopers.
From what he could tell, they just stumbled into this place. It didn’t seem like they were looking for anything in particular.
Hunter could pick up on your footsteps upstairs as you walked around presumably pacing, probably wondering where the hell they all were.
Then he zeroed in on the group in the booth they usually sit in way in the back.
“I just got back from going to the new fortress on Naboo.” One of the troopers said running a hand through his golden hair.
“What was it like?”
“Why is it on Naboo?”
“They prefer the conditions there.” He said again leaning forwards onto the table, “But, you wouldn’t believe what I saw.”
They all leaned in closer listening to this one trooper.
“It’s a new breeding program.” He said in disbelief, “They’re making it into a place for conscripted omegas.” He looked around suspiciously hoping no-one but his friends were listening, “and, I overheard they’re creating more clones.”
“If they have clones, why bother with omegas?” One of them chirped.
The golden haired one shrugged, “No clue. That place is guarded to the teeth. I was ordered here when the first cargo freight arrived. It was full of omegas.”
“Human omegas?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, “You wouldn’t believe it.”
“Are the omegas and the clones… ya know…” This trooper made a lewd gesture alluding to fucking.
The gold one shook his head and shrugged, “Thats what I thought too, but who knows. Those scientists weren’t letting anyone near the internal part of the building. Only the coruscant guard were allowed entry.”
“Well the clones are an army of alphas.” A smaller man spoke up, “It’s the only thing that would make sense if they’re trying to breed more lupin-humans.”
Hunter looked to his brothers with a concerned glance. They caught on and continued to have their casual conversation making sure to pay a bit closer attention to their surroundings. Echo leaned in closer to Hunter, “What’s going on?”
“They’re trafficking omegas to Naboo. I heard the one with gold hair say he saw them arrive in cargo containers. Apparently theres a massive compound there, and they’re making more clones. Presumably, for this program.”
“Program?” Echo repeated out of habit.
“He said it was a breeding program.” Hunter lowered his voice.
They both waved at Cid for another drink.
“You don’t think thats why they had Crosshair reprogrammed and ordered to retrieve Y/N do you?” Echo’s protectiveness was starting to ebb into his chest, but that would make total sense why Tarkin wanted to keep her under his thumb.
“Can’t say for certain.” Hunter shook his head, “But, I don’t think it’s going to be safe for Y/N for a while. We can’t let her out of our site until we understand what is going on.”
“If thats true, that’s beyond fucked.” Echo shook his head, “sick bastards.”
Hunter grunted in agreement pouring the rest of his drink down.
“Let’s get upstairs before-”
Hunter was cut off when a drunk trooper shouted, “Hey! You look familar!”
Hunter and Echo swiveled around to face the stumbling trooper. Beta, from the smell of him.
“Sorry, you got the wrong guy.” Hunter said calmly. Hunter used his elbow to turn his helmet away from the man knowing the shape might be a little recognizable.
The beta just hummed and stared for a bit before flopping back down in his chair fisting the snacks on the table mumbling something incoherent.
Hunter got up leaving with Echo while Tech and Wrecker left shortly after. They walked out the front but disappeared around back making it to the entrance to the courtyard undetected. When they climbed the fire escape and entered the apartment, they found you panic cleaning the whole place.
“Woah.” Echo put his arm up trying to get you to slow down, “You okay Tiny?”
“Where have you been!” You squeaked throwing the broom off to the side, “Did you see the imperials down there!”
“Yeah we saw’em.” Echo stepped inside walking towards the living room couch.
“Pip, I don’t think we can leave you here anymore.” Hunter shook his head, “I think you need to start coming on jobs with us.”
“Why?” You asked a little nervous. Republic missions were one thing, but their mercenary jobs were a whole other ball park. You had no experience in this whatsoever.
“If they’re casually stopping in here from time to time, it’s just a matter of time before someone recognizes you or us.” He explained, “I know you’ve kind of made a home here, but it’s just getting too dangerous with them coming here now.”
“We can move your nest to the marauder like last time!” Wrecker offered rubbing his forehead.
“Did you tell Cid?” You sat down next to Echo letting him put an arm around your shoulders.
“She sent us a message warning us and to get out of dodge.” Tech replied showing you the memo.
You read it and sighed, “Okay.” You agreed.
“Okay?” Tech clarified.
You nodded.
“No fighting? Just like that?” Hunter narrowed his eyes.
You shrugged.
“What’s wrong, I thought you liked it here?” Echo looked at you.
“I do, I just… after last night… I don’t know. I just have this feeling like Crosshair’s right around the corner and he’s going to come walking in here with those troopers one day. I think Hunter’s right. I think it’s getting too hot here.”
They stood there in contemplative silence. Obviously you were getting anxious, but they had reasoned that your fear of Crosshair finding you was just paranoia. Now, they understood that with so many imperials running around, your worries might actually have a chance of coming to fruition.
“It’s settled then.” Hunter said, “Let’ get packed up and back to the ship.”
You nodded, back to the marauder we go…
Super short little chapter! The next one is coming soon, posting both back to back!
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Taglist: @substantial-exposure
@rains-on-kamino
@minimissmoo
@z-and-the-batboys
@aynavaano
@9902sgirl
@sideofhorny
@sxftiebee
@booksandtitts-blog
#crosshair#hunter#tech#wrecker#abo#echo#star wars#bad batch#omega#smut#clone wars#clone force 99#99s
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Would you ever want to write darker fic again, like your abo fic? I 100% understand why you wouldn’t, and you don’t have to respond to this ask if it makes you uncomfortable! I would love to see you explore darker topics and interpretations of steddie, if you ever felt inclined to ♥️
Ehhh I learned my lesson with that one. Idk if I would. I tend to focus more on very angsty stuff now buuuuut it tends to not be very popular 😂 still love writing it tho. I guess it depends but yeah, I am definitely iffy about stepping on toes.
#I don’t ever want to make anyone feel bad#or uncomfortable or upset#like it makes me sick even thinking about it these days#so like now I have a huge guilt complex tied into it which is so silly#anyway you didn’t ask for this mental health peak fngjfhfhj#asks
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the amount of time i spend thinking about Even carrying the metacrisis doctor’s fob watch is really quite disproportionate to how much ive fleshed out that part of the story in my head
#i still find myself not caring if the metacrisis doctor couldnt use one. he can because i said so and because donna shouldn’t get amnesiaed#alone.#but anyway. even. its just something about like.#here is your best friend. the man who showed you how big the universe could be. its still him human or not. its still the doctor.#can’t call him that. have to watch your tongue always because no matter how familiar their faces are. these two people do not remember#everything you did together and never can. at least they still love each other. nothing could change that. that’s what matters. you steer#them into each other’s lives so carefully and watch to see if they’re going to get hurt. but they don’t. it’s okay.#and still. and still. you carry your best friend’s life. everything that he is. you can hold it in the palm of your hand. he gave it to you.#he entrusted it to you. well. that’s not entirely true. technically you volunteered. but how else could you say thank you.#you made your world so so small again. for him. larger than you would’ve been used to once but you know what galaxies feel like to fly#across. and now you’re stuck in time and space. this is for love too. this is for the life you hold in your hands.#or wear around your neck on a chain. and because you chose this. you can never see him again. or you see him every day and he doesn’t#recognize all of you.#that would make anyone desperate wouldn’t it? make you do something stupid. make you turn to someone you shouldn’t.#even makes bad choices when they are cornered. i think.#dw oc#the important bit is of course that the only way they can ever get rid of it is by their own choice. which they never would choose to do.#(because tentoo won’t take it back. he’s his own person. impressions of the doctor influencing him. but the part of him that is donna doing#so as well. a whole new person. who does not want her memories back and to be unmade.)#but the point is that the moment even takes it. they will never let it go. they will lose it. on painful occasion. but it always finds its#way back. depending on the context this presence and responsibility is either comforting in its constancy.#or. in a less kind world. a horrifying reminder of how far they have fallen from who they tried to be for him.
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the bitter hilarity of not ever wanting to be perceived yet feeling incredibly hurt whenever you’re being overlooked
#I guess it’s one thing to decide for yourself to not see and interact with anyone#and another to get intentionally ignored by someone else#I’m at a point where I don’t want to go out with this friend of mine anymore#because every time we’re anywhere men will instantly come up to her to flirt#and I’m just standing next to her. as if I’m not even there#they will only have eyes for her and ask her questions while I’m right there too#or. even worse. like today. them saying: ‘oh you’re definitely the prettiest’ to her#while I’m standing beside her with only my mom completing our little group#and this has happened ever since we were 14 years old#I just fucking hate men and how bad they make me feel about myself I hate it I hate it so much#and I just wanna stay inside on my own forever#deciding for myself to be invisible#tonight sucked. good night
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ugh had a conversation w someone and i thuink i upset them but also i was in the right
#me: ur neglecting ur pet snake and i think u should find a new home for him bc this is not good for him#them: i am so offended and i can’t do that bc i love him#me: if u loved him u would not neglect him tho#them: so if i take better care of him u will believe that i love him and leave me alone#me: if u need me to tell u to take care if ur pet’s basic needs to do it then i don’t think u really love them#them: i am so fucking offended and i am upset u can’t tell me how i feel#but also like this person was getting pissed bc another person we know takes care of their dogs like the bare minimum and we both were#upset by that but then?? they also don’t take care of their snake and now they’re upset bc i called them out on it?#they’re also upset bc of the “u don’t love ur pet” thing bc like. i can admit that i don’t like. feel love. a lot. like i like the cats#and i would be sad if i could never see them again but if i knew i could not take good care of them i would absolutely find them a new#home. like. idk if i can really feel love a lot? like i don’t love my family and i don’t know if i’ve ever loved my family and i don’t even#know if i’ve ever loved anyone. maybe except for goose i think i would die inside if something bad happened to him. but for the most part#i’ve only ever liked animals not loved them but i would still take care of them bc it’s my responsibility like they deserve care and even#if i’m bad at loving i would never want them to feel unloved and i just find it annoying that this person can claim to love but be content#with this kind of neglect. like i don’t need love to still be nice and take care of pets bc it makes me happy for them to be happy and#healthy so it’s weird to me that someone who claims they love so much (and they do this a lot) to not be bothered. like what is your#love doing for you? like i care but i don’t really love but they love and don’t really care and idk i think they should still care#i wonder if they’d let me take the snake. originally he actually was mine but we got him literally a week before smth happened that made#me fucked in the head so i gave him up because i knew i wasn’t fit to take care of him but i’ve been getting a lot better recently so#i think i’d be able to step back in atp#the real question is if they’d let me
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no because this is fucking CRAZY for me. and connects exactly to the post i was going to make after i finished cleaning the kitchen which im making rn instead lol. it’s CRAZY how much having things to look forward to like traveling and seeing a musical like.. make me happy. how much listening to my favorite songs matters for my sense of self. how i still know the words no matter how long it’s been since i last heard them. it’s CRAZY. i have been swallowed by depression and stasis for so fucking long and have forgotten so much of myself and experience every day as scraping by and being miserable but even the smallest little joys have the power to bring me back. buying golden oreos at the campus food store. doodling a cat when i want to doodle a cat. taking a walk outside even when there’s work to do. it’s CRAZY!!!!!!!! i heal myself by indulging myself. maybe there is hope for me.
#purrs#company is also like.. idk. it’s so important to me i haven’t even seen it but it’s important to me. some of the songs from it were a#lifeline for me during the period of the worst mental healthive ever had in my life. so to see it live. for the timing to be JUST right.#like the universe… idk. i feel guilty and bad bc i just made plans during a night of the conference when i should probably be socializing w#my colleagues LMAOOOOO but like. this is me making up for brighton. doing what i always wanted to do and didn’t get to. this is me being an#adult and yes a small young woman in a big city so i have to be careful and safe etc etc but. this is CRAZY. im going to do it and it#matters so much that it’s this particular show im going to do it for. im so fucking excited it’s 2am and im pacing in circles around the#kitchen. i am an adult!!!! im alive in the world!!! i can choose to do what makes me happy and healthy and whole and i don’t have to ask#anyone for permission to do it!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!
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#scheduled my cat to be put down this Friday#don’t wanna make a post about it but I wanna talk about it#asked my mom to come with to drive me and do the talking. dad asked to come too#except he doesn’t do earnest emotions well and says really stupid and insensitive shit when people are emoting#and I will be sobbing through all this. I already am#on a zoom call with family so they can say goodbye to Chloe and he’s going on about how bad she is sees I’m trying not to cry and says#gee! I don’t think she’ll make it through this! hohoho!#I don’t want anyone to be there with me at all but I know I just won’t be able to talk to the vet and pay#really just a fucked up year. ducked up like 6 years running but whatever#really tired but I can’t sleep. don’t want to talk to people but isolated#I want Chloe’s suffering to be over but I don’t want to let her go.#meanwhile I have bumble person on discord talking to me and it feels like such a slog. I want to ghost. I’m just tired in them and having#to keep up this like essays long reply chain about the minutia of our lives that doesn’t change ever#but that also feels mean because they haven’t been pushy and have been really considerate even when they asked to meet again and I said to#hold off because of my cat and it’s been like two weeks#I haven’t been in instagram because I don’t want fish store person to ask me out#trying to get stuff done for friends baby but realized in all this mess I forgot to block anything. feel like such a failure at everything#making baby presents. keeping my cat alive. making connections#I just don’t want to be perceived at all. I feel like such a non entity#or rather I feel like I should be a non entity. a picture on the wall of a disused room.#I’m so tired.
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