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wildernezz · 2 months

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dead poets society scene that cannot be slept on any longer (im just rambling and analyzing the sillies and pretending to be smart. also spoilers loll)

I GET THAT THE DEAD POETS SOCIETY BARELY HAS A FANDOM BUT WHY DOES EVERYONE SLEEP ON THE PUNCH SCENE WITH CHARLIE AND CAMERON?? IT'S GENUINELY SO WELL WRITTEN AND PROBABLY ONE OF THE BEST DIALOGUE SCENES I'VE SEEN IN FILM??? HELLO?????

every single actor in this scene does such an amazing job. they genuinely all feel like such real and complex characters it's insane.

i don't care if you hate cameron's character but you cannot deny that his scene was amazingly pathetic. his actor did such a perfect job at portraying him almost like a rat backed into a corner. he's doing everything he can to save himself, telling himself he's the one in the right, the one with common sense, when he knows he's faking it. all his dominance is such a pathetic lie and it's genuinely impressive to watch it be portrayed so accurately. it is exactly what it's like to watch someone desperately claw for an ounce of respect. cameron was always a desperate character, and the moment he got the chance to drop his friends and come out "higher" than them, it just made him even sadder to watch.

and meanwhile charlie's the perfect example of failed justice and passion being outpoured all at once. he has so much determination and desire to stand up for what he believes, but it's all pouring out at once. he doesn't know how to handle all of it. he knows he's done for but he can't give up for the life of him, and it all comes out in a solid swing to cameron's face. that single punch probably sums up everything about charlie, and honestly everything i love about him as a character. he seems like a menace-y little bastard, but at the end of the day he just genuinely wants to do what he thinks is right. he's fiercely protective of the people he looks up to but he'll never admit it. that little shit has ZERO clue how to handle his emotions rationally and it's honestly respectable. he doesn't know exactly who he is, but his values are so strong that he's unknowingly guided by them. basically he's just a silly little guy and i hope he punches people more often :3

AND TODD THE BELOVED <33 he is so underrated in this scene it's insane. every word feels like it's falling out of him. he's lost his best friend and he's lost all control over himself. it's powerful seeing such quiet and reserved character unwillingly transform into everything they've been trying to keep down. i will forever be in love with how his character completely breaks down after neil's death. this is kinda just me projecting but he fr feels like a representation of all of my own thoughts when breaking down, except he's actually voicing them. todd supremacy for-fucking-ever.

THE OTHERS ARE ALSO SPECIAL TOO BUT THEY DONT GET A LOTTA LINES FOR ME TO ESPECIALLY ANALYZE SO IM JUST GONNA ADD RANDOM TIDBITS OF THE OTHERS HERE.

i absolutely adore how knox acts in this scene. especially his lines of "don't touch him charlie, you do and you're out," and then for that to be followed by "you don't know that" after charlie's little "i'm out anyway"?????? knox's entire personality in this movie might be about trying to rizz up girls (and it's a little concerning now but it was a different time guys please he's silly guys i swear), but he's honestly SOO sweet when he's not focused on that. he's just as protective of his friends and it's so nice seeing him be the voice of reason. like did u guys not see how quickly he reached for charlie when he was about to kick cameron's ass????? he genuinely wants the best for his friends and he knows them well enough to try and stop them from doing any irrational shit (even tho it failed later but shshsh). love knox for that.

meeks and pitts don't say anything in this scene, but their looks alone give off so much. you can just SEE how much meeks feels betrayed by cameron, and then pitts looks like he's still trying to process the fact that cameron would even do something like that. it's honestly so sad but god it's so amazing to watch.

anyways thank u for coming to my ted talk plspls ask me about films or drop ur random analyzations to me im so desperate to analyze my favorite little guys :33

#dead poets society #analyzing #ramblings #film loser analyzes 6 white boys real #i swear im normal

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lilpomelito · 10 months

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I know we all love Eddie who's convinced Steve is straight and can't see Stevie's giant crush on him from a mile away but what about extremely precise gaydar Eddie who sees 16 year old "King Steve" going out with half the school's population of girls, dressing up and taking care of his hair like a model and going "that's a closeted queer right there." And when they meet and become friends, Eddie watches Steve go through the "I'm straight but a very strong and invested ally" to "oh shit maybe I am queer too" pipeline, patiently waiting for Steve to be comfortable into his newly discovered sexuality to make the first move. Which doesn't take more than a week since Stevie is famous for his "go with the flow and normalize wild shit that happens to me" sense. He comes to terms with his sexuality in the morning and he's jumping Eddie's bones that evening. Which drives Eddie nuts, he spent years thinking Steve needed time to finally come out but Steve genuinely was clueless about his attraction to men.

Eddie can't believe this, "How could you have not known? I've always known, since the first time I thought damn this guy is hot."

Steve shrugs, "I just thought everyone thought guys were hot. I just never liked them."

"What do you mean."

"I mean, I like you, and I think you're hot."

"That's good to know but what do you mean you thought everyone was into guys?"

Steve is almost laughing at this point, "Yeah, I mean I've always seen guys as hot as well as girls, but only ever liked liked girls? They're nice, and sweet, and listen when I talk. Guys don't do that, they're always trying to compete who can be the biggest asshole. But not you, you don't do that. I just believed that finding people hot was a universal experience, and having feelings for them is what defined your sexuality..."

Eddie stares into the distance. "So what I'm hearing is, if you had better friends growing up, you would have realized this years ago."

Which makes him a little sad. Eddie's first crush was his friend Alan, who was a year older than him. The guy who introduced him to D&D, and took him under his wing when the popular kids would pick on him in middle school. He was a total nerd, the kind that actually did well in school, but he never judged Eddie for struggling. He always opened his home for him when things at home got too loud, when Eddie's dad would scream and throw things and his mom would sit there on the couch silent for hours. He was straight, but he never judged Eddie for his embarrassing crush on him, he even encouraged him to pursue other boys. He'd graduated years ago, top of his class, moved to college, and Eddie stayed the same, triple senior and all.

And Eddie supposed Steve hadn't been that lucky. His childhood friend was Tommy H; another chronic closeted case, but also a violently homophobic one. It was a relief to know that Tommy's giant crush on Steve (that was so obvious it could be observed from orbit) was not reciprocated. Almost as much as knowing that Billy Hargrove's violent lust for Steve also was one-sided.

Steve sighs. "Maybe. But I also never really had that many good female friends until Robin. I mean Nancy was great, and now we get along a lot better than we did when we dated. Carol was one of my best friends, but she was mean. She had this ability to find your deepest insecurities and just joke about them like they were insignificant. I don't know. It made me feel like shit, even if what she was trying to do was to make it less serious."

"What a bitch."

Steve barks out a laugh, and all Eddie can do is observe him, grieve in silence for little Stevie who for all he had in this world, he had to fight so hard to find his people.

#inspired by my own history with my own bisexuality #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie ficlet #mine

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yakuzacanons · 9 months

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ya dont have to answer this one cause it might be a bit silly goin to headcanons blog for this but idk ireally like ur blog ur posts always cheer me up. ive had a rough day and idk i thought it might be nice to hear how ya think these characters would try and comfort and/or cheer up their partner, yknow, make em feel better?

This is actually a great double feature to my last post which was specifically about comforting their partner on their period. That one was kind of more focused on their partner feeling physically unwell so this one will be more catered to their partner feeling emotionally unwell, if that makes sense and if that's okay.

Also, I'm sorry to hear you had a rough day and I genuinely hope you feel better. I don't think it's silly at all to ask for these kinds of things, we all have to do what we gotta do and happiness comes in all kinds of forms, so if this is one of those forms, I'm happy to be of service. I'm also sorry this post took a bit to get too as I've been rather busy but I didn't forget you dear anon! Thanks for your ask, headcanons beneath the cut as always.

I'll get to the rest of the asks in my inbox tomorrow, so good night my sweet sweet friends! Thanks as always for your kind words and asks, I really love writing these and sharing these with you. Goog nitey.

Kazuma Kiryu

He understands all too well what it's like to feel down and out. Having said that, Kiryu won't try to cheer you up right away or distract you as he believes getting to the bottom of what's bothering you is more important. Regardless of it's a rough day at work or if someone made a rude remark at you, he wants to hear you out. He is THE best listener, he never interrupts.

His very first action always is to give you a long, warm hug. How often Kiryu wishes he could've been held during his darkest and toughest moments, so now he pays that forward to others who need it. If you cry, he'll tell you it's okay and to let it all out.

Now that you've gotten that all out, it's time for him to cheer you up. Nothing makes Kiryu feel better more than a hearty meal so he'll offer to get food at your favorite place, his treat. If you'd rather stay home, then he'll do his best to cook something up for you. Maybe Haruka and the other kids at Morning Glory will get in on it and clamber to help him out in the kitchen, which you can't help but smile at. You're truly surrounded by loving and caring people.

Majima Goro

Now, if the issue was caused by someone else, his first reaction will be to go give them a nice talking to a.k.a. kicking them really hard. If you're down with that, he will actually go do it but if you're not, he'll grumble and say "Fiiine... only 'cuz you said not to."

Eventually, his thoughts will turn to finding ways to make you smile. Majima is a bit more of a "forget your troubles" guy, sometimes more than he'd like to admit. If there's nothing particular that you want, then he'll just start trying things until you crack a smile at his earnest attempts, to which he'll say "Ah, there's that adorable smile!" before giving you a hug and a kiss.

If you cry, Majima will actually become quite serious. More than anyone, he's felt so many times in his life like he was on the verge of tears but he's always held them back. He'll drop everything to comfort you through the tears, quietly reminding you to take deep breaths and just holding you until it's over.

Akiyama Shun

He believes rest is the ultimate medicine, especially when you're feeling bad. Nothing works wonders more than a warm shower and a nice, long sleep. Granted, he is the king of being exhausted so maybe he's projecting just a little bit here.

As goofy as Akiyama can be, he's pretty good at hearing you out. However, he might be somewhat oblivious and slow to notice you're not feeling your best. Once he realizes it, he'll apologize for not noticing sooner and ask what he can do to help.

If some alone time is what you need, he's absolutely not offended. Akiyama knows when to back off and won't pester you and ask if you're sure you want to be alone. He trusts your intuition on that and won't put his ego before your feelings. After all, to him, that is the very meaning of loving someone else.

Saejima Taiga

Out of all the boys, he's going to feel the worst when he sees you're feeling down. Some part of him just feels bad that he wasn't able to prevent whatever it was that hurt or upset you. Saejima has major protective vibes and he'll always wonder if he could be doing more.

In the end, making sure you're okay is more important to him. Saejima is pretty mature and he'll be able to push through those weird self doubting feelings in his own time. He'll gently hold you but won't pressure you to tell him what happened. If you want to, he'll listen intently although he may not always know what to say in response, especially if you want advice, as he doesn't think his life experiences necessarily line up with most people.

Definitely the type of guy to say things like "I'm here for you, okay?" and really mean it. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, Saejima is your guy. After all, he has giant shoulders.

Tanimura Masayoshi

His life experiences have made him very empathetic and he will be able to really connect with you if you talk about your problems verbally. Where he struggles is if you don't talk about it because he doesn't want to force it but also doesn't really know what to do unless he has some direction to go in.

If you don't want to talk about it, he'll just sit next to you in silence. He doesn't want to just fill the space with his words, so instead he'll just lean his head against yours, taking deep breaths with you. Tanimura will stay for as long as you need, just so you know that you're not alone in this.

He's down to get some food at Homeland once you feel ready to get back up and out there. Tanimura is very food oriented and nothing makes him feel better than a nice meal, especially since Zhao and Mei Hua are always so welcoming and kind. He has a very infectious smile and he notices that you light up a bit when he smiles, so he'll try to do something fun with you like eat food or maybe play a video game at his place. By the end of the night, you'll both be grinning ear to ear.

Ryuji Goda

Secretly, he's also a "Show me who upset you and I'll give them a real nice talking to" type of guy but he's better at keeping that under wraps than Majima is. Of course, if it's not a particular person bothering you, that's where he stumbles a bit. He's never been great at just talking about things, like giving advice.

He'll refute any thoughts of self doubt you have. Did someone make fun of your hair? "They were probably bald 'n ugly themselves anyways, the hell would they know?". Do you feel self conscious about your weight? "I'll have you know that yer damn perfect as ya are." Ryuji loves you for you, for better and for worse, so what he lacks in advice or long talk sessions he makes up for with pep talks.

He's the type of man to kiss your forehead and ruffle your hair while holding a box of tissues while you cry. Ryuji rarely if ever felt safe crying in front of others before and honestly wishes he had spaces like that when he was younger, so he takes care to make sure that you feel completely safe in letting those feelings out if you need to.

Nishikiyama Akira

King of self care. Self care is the solution to everything. Nothing makes it all better like looking AND feeling good. It might sound shallow but Nishiki tries to make it fun in some ways, like getting face masks with silly colors or faces printed on them.

Out of all of the boys, he's best at gossip. If you're someone who wants to go on a long rant about all the stuff bugging you, he's all ears. If someone in particular is bugging you, he'll interject with "Oh, she did NOT" or "They did WHAT?" every so often.

He won't ever get violent. He might feel frustrated that he can't really do more than just hear you out or distract you with something silly but that won't stop him from trying at least. If you have suggestions or things you want, he's all ears though.

Daigo Dojima

The gentlest boy there ever was. He's the most perceptive of all the boys, able to immediately spot if his partner is feeling off that day. He'll always ask you about it in private, making sure to never embarrass you, softly asking "Honey, are you alright?"

If you're at a work related function and it's obvious that you're overwhelmed, Daigo will excuse you both from the event early and bring you home so you can have a safe place to decompress. When he's at work and if he knows you've been having a bad day, he'll call from his office and say "Hey honey, I just wanted to see how you were feeling". He makes himself as available as possible, always looking out for your welfare.

Daigo is really in tune with your needs and quite attentive to the things that make you happy, the things that bother you, and the like. When you're having a bad day, you'll hardly have to ask for a thing. If you're a stay at home and lay in bed all day person, he'll bring your favorite drink in and sit on the bedside while listening to you talk. If you'd rather go out, just say the word and he'll be out front with his private car ready to go wherever you want as soon as he can slip away from work.

Mine Yoshitaka

He often feels helpless in situations like this. If it were up to him, every day would be the best day possible for you. He doesn't necessarily feel like a failure but he definitely feels your pain and sadness, wishing he could just magically make it all go away.

His best skill is reassuring you. If you ask if you're actually good at something, the answer is yes. If you feel like you're failing at something new, he'll say something like "The important thing is that you're trying, and I admire that about you". He's very steady in supporting you with things like chasing your dreams, no matter how hard the road may be.

He's probably the most practical when it comes to interpersonal issues, likely a direct result of his type of work. He's good at helping you iron out tough situations, like an awkward conversation with a friend. His deep understanding of you combined with his solid reasoning skills allows him to give you a pretty good outside perspective on those kinds of situations, provided you want him to of course. Mine wouldn't offer you advice without asking if you wanted it first. Also the type of guy to wipe away your tears for you.

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picklebunbun · 2 months

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can you write needle trying to comfort reader (fem) about being lonely and she gives love advise

—— ミ✩ needle x fem! reader

either way

IVE ♥︎

⇄ ◁◁ 𝚰𝚰 ▷▷ ↻

⁰⁰'²⁵ ━━●━━───── ⁰²'⁰⁸

• fem reader, she/her pronouns, feminine terms

• genre: angst and fluff

• mentions romance, but you can read it as platonic

summary: needle finds [name] crying and comforts her, [name] needs love advice

[angel’s note 👼🪽: ok so I’ll try to get through this quickly, my friend @lunnarsky requested this and did that at gun point so in order for me to not die I'm doing this story, she recommended the song btw, also didn't know if this should be human au but y'know think whatever you want]

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

italics=thinking bold=yelling

3rd person POV:

It was a nice day out, it was also the "once in a while" breaktime in the competition. Needle was walking around the foresty-plains that, at least for now, was her home. Honestly, she was getting bored just walking around, she'll just talk to pin or coiny for the meantime I guess, Needle was about to turn around before she heard crying, the person seemed to try and shut themselves up so no one would hear, but Needle ended up hearing it anyways. She inched her way towards the source of the noise, careful not to make a sound.

Once she got close enough, she could see the apparition of the weeping competitor. It was [name], Needle gasped, gaining [name's] attention

"n-needle..?"

"[name]?! Why are you crying..?"

[name] wiped away her tears, she calmed her sobbing to just a few sniffles, leaving her voice nasally and quiet

"it's... it's nothing.. I'm fine.."

"don't try to hide it, I already know you were crying, but why?"

"it-it's stupid, you'll think so anyways"

Needle kneeled down next to [name's] body, she wasn't sure what to really do with her hands, but ultimately, she chose rubbing [name's] back. She wasn't used to comforting people, she knew who she hated, which was quite a lot of people, and barely comforted anyone. In Needle's life, she mostly stuck by people who consoled anyone, like leafy, the person either did it for personal gain for their reputation or they were genuinely kind. Although, [name] was someone that Needle liked.

"aw, c'mon, don't be like that! Even if it is then that doesn't mean I'll leave you here crying"

"uhm.. err...fine, it's just.. someone I like never pays attention to me.. and I've just been alone for a bit, it's just hard not having anyone and you're just left here soaking in your own sadness.."

It was a bit hard to believe someone like [name] couldn't find someone, she was actually pretty cool and seemed to get along with most of the folk here. What [name] said actually struck a chord with Needle, it felt almost identical to what Needle felt, and the fact that [name] thinks so lowly of herself made Needle feel bad for her, and kind of angry that she could say that to herself. This wasn't about her though, it was about the poor girl infront of her, comforting her, making her feel safe, and maybe give her something to drink after this because she was genuinely worried.

"emm.. well.. who's this 'lucky someone' you like?"

[name] giggled ever so softly

"I can't tell you that.. it's so embarrassing.. I haven't told anyone that I have a crush yet, they might make a big deal out of it"

"hmm..? So why'd you tell me?"

"I don't know.. Maybe it's cause you feel safe to be around, you're not that loud so maybe I'm drawn to you more.."

Well, [name] sure knew how to make someone blush. It wasn't like Needle had a crush on her or was in love [well, that's mostly up to you], but hearing compliments about her spew out of her mouth, Needle couldn't help but turn red. She cleared her throat while trying to keep her composure as calm as possible, but on the inside she was screaming. She hasn't gotten such a flattering remark like that before, but she'd be lying if that didn't just boost up her confidence like a firework.

"ah..well, th-thanks.. err.... what about you though? Anyone would be lucky to be with you!"

"I'm.. not so sure.."

Needle bit her bottom lip, not really sure what to do. She wanted to be honest but really wasn't sure if [name] wanted advice in the first place, she basically waltzed to her and found her like this anyways. Though, Needle needed to connect with [name] and that meant that Needle needed to be sincere with her.

"mm... [name]? Can I be honest with you?

Something dropped in [name's] stomach, she thought something dreadful was going to come out of Needle's mouth, but she couldn't simply say no, it would be too awkward. Her mind was interrupted when a hand was removed from her back and her friend's body got more closer. As Needle spoke, [name] listen to every piece of her speech, it wasn't as bad as she thought it was going to be.

“[name], you’re actually a sweet girl, I’m not sure you should be stressing out over this. Even if you end up with no one, you still have friends to support you, you’re not completely alone. You still have me too..! This person will like you! I’m sure of it!”

[Name] looked at her dead in the eyes, she was about to cry again, not because Needle somehow made her upset but because it’s nice to be reminded that you’re important. Needle got nervous, did I say something wrong?, she felt terrible, Needle thought that she was doing a good job! Thoughts started pooling in her mind, she thought she was going to pee from panic and freight, until she felt a hug embrace her.

“thank you, Needle, t-that means a lot.. thank you..”

Needle stayed motionless for a moment before ultimately wrapping her arms around [name]

“you’re welcome, [name]”

#needle bfb #needle tpot #needle x reader #tpot #battle for bfb #bfb #idk leave me alone #idk how to tag this #i suck at tags #female reader

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arwenadreamer · 1 year

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Omg you were at the jibcon!! I'm so jealous!

To set all the people straight who weren't there, how good was the Jared and Misha panels?! Did you feel any awkwardness or offence taken when Jared demonstrated his tackle of Misha?

I've read so much crap online from the cockles side and after watching the videos, I can't believe how skewed the stories have been!!

The panel was really, really great. And anyone who knows me knows that I'm not the biggest Misha fan. But I truly, genuinely enjoyed that panel. I loved Jared's and Misha's interactions. I did not feel any awkwardness. What I saw were just two friends having fun together. When Jared tackled Misha, he used a bit too much power, I think he miscalculated a bit. I could see Misha being taken by surprise and not getting on board with what Jared was aiming for fast enough, so he started to fall backwards. But Jared realised that and actually took hold of him and brought them both down in kind of a controlled fall. I could see Jared's face clearly, when they were both down, because I was standing off to that side, almost at the microphone to ask a question, and Jared made the exact same expression Justin!Sam was making in that scene. That painful "I am happy here"-grin. And Misha was acting along. They clearly re-created this scene, and in this scene Sam tackles Cass, that's what happens.

But I also knew the moment I saw it, that hellers would use that to hate on Jared.

One thing I realised last jib already and that got only confirmed at JiB 11 with Jared present is, that the reason I almost dislike Misha at times are hellers. (NOT DESTIEL SHIPPERS IN GENERAL! Only those people who bring so much hate into the fandom.) I genuinely enjoyed Misha alongside Jared. And in retrospect I have to say, he's making the same NSFW jokes he's making with Jensen with Jared. That's just him, and it's funny, and Jared is playing along. And Jensen is too, to an extent. But much less than Jared, because everything that happens between Jensen and Misha gets so much blown out of proportion, and Jensen has to be so much more careful. And that is the reason I don't like Misha making innuendos regarding himself and Jensen or Cass and Dean, but to be fair to him, he's doing the same with Jared/Sam. And Jared is doing it too. I think if there wasn't so much drama and hate going round in fandom spaces, I would even enjoy his panel with Jensen the same. (That panel was good, too, actually.) But as it is, I'm constantly thinking "how is that going to be interpreted?", and that dampens the joy somewhat.

I've met so many Misha fans and destiel shippers at JiB, though, who were genuinely nice and chill, and we were gushing about Jared together in his photo op lines, and I was happy for their amazing Misha experiences, and they were crying with me over my Sam and Dean photo OP. So I can only repeat what I said after last JiB: fandom drama and hate is mostly online. At conventions it's just a great atmosphere and everyone is happy with and for everyone.

And to conclude: I only heard laughter and screams of joy from the audience when Jared tackled Misha. No one booed or anything. The mood was great in the panel room.

#jared padalecki #misha collins #misha collins critical #<- tagging that to be on the safe side #arwenas jib 11 experiences #Jared and Misha panel #anti hellers

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barkspawn · 1 year

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lol then can we get "i love you, no matter what that means to you, i'm going to take care of you, even if you dont want me to" prompt from the romantic quotes prompt list with elliott? <3 i love your writing

Thank you, I'll never get used to the fact that people like my stuff. it's wild.

and tbh, I'm realizing the things I enjoy writing the most, which is suuuuuuuuuuuper helpful. so thank YOU and the others who send in prompts.

Amelia had been struggling for the past few weeks. Her depression took a turn for the worse when she heard of her father falling ill and after receiving a spiteful email from an old "friend" explaining how selfish and idiotic she was for leaving the city. It was hurtful enough to wear her down.

Amelia was keeping up with the crops okay and was trying extra hard to make the animals happy. She knew he was picking on her, but when Shane visited with a new chick and made a comment about how the crops seemed small and dinky, she felt herself hit a low. She knew he'd feel horrible if he knew, so she decided not to tell him.

Elliott was an entirely different situation. They'd been together for a year and a half and she couldn't stomach letting him see her like this. He knew something was wrong right away and decided to give her space for a few days, deciding today to be a little more persistent.

Amelia looked down at her phone as it rang. She sat on the couch with her knees drawn to her chest, just staring at the rustic painting on the wall in thought. The third time the phone started to ring she sighed, answering the call.

"Hello?" She winced, not even recognizing her own voice.

"Hey, love," Elliott started, trying to keep his tone as normal as possible, even if he was sick with worry, "I've missed you. I was thinking I'll bring some food to you this evening. We'll curl up and watch a movie."

The idea seemed nice to her, but she genuinely believed it wasn't what she deserved. Before thinking, she spoke, "Actually, I wanted to talk to you, El. Can you come by soon?"

He paused for a long moment before answering, "of course. I'll leave now. I love you."

"I love you too," she responded too quickly, hanging up and letting tears fall as a sob escaped her. This is how it had to be.

Elliot was a brilliant man with a bright and happy future ahead of him. She could not let herself be the one responsible for holding him back. It wouldn't be fair. She loved him with her whole being, which is why she had to stop this. He deserved so much more.

After a moment, she stood to clean herself up, pacing until she heard his footsteps on the porch. He gave a light knock before opening the door, his smile brightening up the entire room. He looked as handsome as ever, a small container that could only be from the saloon in his hands. His smile and his general presence lifted her spirits a bit. For a moment, she wondered if this was a mistake. Quickly, she resolved that it needed to be done. It was for him, not her.

Closing the door behind him, he set the food on the counter and moved to wrap his arms around her in a tight, loving hug that broke her heart. When she didn't hug him back, he pulled back, his hands on her shoulders.

"Amelia? What's on your mind?" He searched her face, not oblivious to her tear-stained eyes and cheeks. She took a shaky breath and closed her eyes.

"Elliott, I don't think we should see each other anymore."

His hands fell from her shoulders as he looked over her face once more. Something was wrong and she wasn't okay. He knew that. Still, his heart ached.

"I see," he responded after a long moment, "may I ask if it is something I've done or-"

"No, no, El," she interjected, tears unable to be stopped, "You've been perfect in every way.. I just can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending I'm right for you when I'm so clearly not."

He flinched at that, cursing his own eyes for going misty, "if that is what you want, Amelia, I will not fight you. I am never far.. should you need me for anything."

He made his way to the door before stepping through, the sob that came from behind the door ripping his heart to pieces more than her leaving him ever could.

His chest tight and his eyes red, he turned back to town.

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

Elliott sat at the small fire outside of his shack, checking his phone for the millionth time before sighing and shoving it in his pocket. He poured the rest of the wine into his glass, noticing a dark figure at the end of the pier as he went to take a drink. When he focused, he saw it was Sebastian, sitting quietly on the edge.

Elliott stood, glass in hand, and headed down the end of the pier to stand behind the younger man.

"Sebastian, right?"

Sebastian looked up at him, sarcastic remark locked and loaded, but bit it back as he saw the man's face. Elliott was a little bit of a mess himself. Sebastian just nodded and stared back toward the ocean.

"You.. you're Amelia's friend, aren't you?"

"I mean, yeah," Sebastian started, his expression twisted in confusion, "why, aren't you her boyfriend?"

Elliott looked down at his glass, tracing the rim, "as of this morning, no. I'm not."

Sebastian deflated, frowning as he moved aside for Elliott to sit. He really didn't care enough about Elliott in the equation, but about how Amelia was. They'd been best friends for a year and she was head over heels for this guy.

"Sorry to hear, man," he stared ahead, his frown deeper still than usual.

"Me too," Elliott started as he sat beside him, "I just.. I wanted to ask you," his voice was quiet, almost feeling guilty for asking, "have you spoken with her in the last few days?"

Sebastian turned to give the man a confused look before his expression softened, "yeah, I guess. She canceled plans we had and she said she wasn't feeling good. Why?"

Elliott pinched the bridge of his nose, "when I saw her today, it was like she was a different person," he started, voice still shaking, "she was cold and distant. But she looked like she hadn't been eating or something of the like," he paused again, turning to look at the other man, "I'm worried about her."

Sebastian's brow knit together as he stared, deep in thought, "and, if you're cool with telling me, what did she say?"

"She said she couldn't do it anymore. She told me it wasn't me and that I was great.. she said she wasn't right for me."

Sebastian sat and thought for a long moment, frowning before he sighed, "I know her dad is sick," Elliott nodded, his frown growing deeper, "and she got this letter from an old friend. She wouldn't tell me more.." Elliott sighed as Sebastian turned to look at him, "did she seem depressed? Like what you see in those shitty commercials, but real and not forced?"

Elliott thought for a long moment. He thought about every word she said, how she seemed so tired and thin, and how she looked and sounded.

"Yeah, it was a lot like that."

"There's your answer, dude," he pulled out his cigarettes, "I'll check on her later, but she adores you. She was talking about it last week ."

Somehow, Elliott felt worse hearing that. He gave a small nod, taking a long drink of his wine, frowning as the dregs swirled around the bottom of his glass.

"Is it an awful idea to reach out to her the day she left me?"

Sebastian nodded, taking a long drag of his cigarette, "I'll swing by tonight. I have your number and I'll text you how she is. Swing by in the morning and just… do your poetic… artistic… romantic shit."

Elliott gave a small chuckle before shifting to stand up, "thank you, Sebastian. I'm very glad to have gotten your insight."

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

Elliott woke up earlier than he usually would have, gathering some different things to take with him to the farm. He created a care package of sorts, picking up her favorite hot tea, some ingredients for different meals he knew she loved, a pair of his most comfortable pajamas (as he couldn't go and buy her a new set before going over), and a journal. He had opened up to a few pages, writing little affirmations on some pages.

He felt horrible for not recognizing how much she was suffering. He'd been there before, but not in a long time. Once he gathered everything, he sighed, heading toward the farm.

As he made his way there, his confidence waned a bit as he grew closer. He hoped she wouldn't be mad at him for coming, but Sebastian's text made it pretty clear that Elliott coming over would help her, so it was the plan. He walked up the steps, taking his time before knocking lightly on the door.

His heart dropped as he saw her open the door. She was exhausted and pale like she hadn't slept for days.

"Elliott?" She started, her voice cracking.

"May I come in?" He gestured to the bag he held with all of the stuff he had. She paused for a long moment before sighing and opening the door, allowing him to pass.

"I'm not sure why you'd come," she frowned, her arms wrapping around herself, "I'm not your responsibility. You don't have to care anymore."

He gave her a gentle look as he placed the bag down before walking over to her, his voice quiet but firm, "Amelia, I can see you're struggling. Whether or not being with me is a part of you getting better, I love you, no matter what that means to you," he started, shifting to gesture to the bag, "I'm going to take care of you, even if you don't want me to. Because you should never be alone when you feel this way, no one should."

Her gaze fell to the floor as she failed to stop her tears from falling. After a long moment, she gave a small nod.

"I'll never force it, but tell me if you should like a hug. Sometimes such a small– oof," he was cut off as she wrapped her arms around his waist almost too tightly. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her back with as much emotion as he could show. He felt her shaking, like a string had snapped that was holding her up, leaving her a crying mess in his arms. His heart broke for her, but he was so glad he was here.

They stayed like that for an incredibly long time before he pulled back to grab the pajamas from the bag and brought them to her.

"Go ahead and take a nice, hot shower. I'll make you some food. You can call me if you need me."

After a few hours, she had eaten, explained everything, and broke down once more in his arms. He just sat beside her, intently listening as she cried and spoke. She couldn't seem to look at him when she finished.

"Amelia, that woman who sent that is no friend. She is simply jealous that you were able to escape and make a new life for yourself," he started, moving to take her hand but stopping himself, "and I'm so sorry about your father. If you'd like me to be, I'll be here every step of the way. If you want me to remain at a distance, Sebastian will definitely be here as well."

She wiped away a new wave of tears, letting herself lean into him once more, "I love you more than anything. I know it's not my place to say it, but I can't just not tell you how loved you truly are."

After a long moment, she stood on her toes and pressed a small, painfully gentle kiss to Elliott's lips.

"I.. don't want to leave you, El..," she started, "I just can't stand the idea of holding you back or bringing you down.."

The small kiss gave him the push to take her hands in his, "you couldn't do either of those things if you tried. I'm right here if you still want me. And even if you don't, for that matter. I won't leave your side until I know that you're okay and happy. Now, would you like to watch a horrible movie?"

She cracked a small smile for the first time in days before pulling him into one more tight hug.

"You deserve so much better than me, you know," she sighed, "I've always considered you out of my league, but-"

"None of that," he pulled back, hushing her, "you deserve the world and I intend on giving that to you, whether you believe me or not because I love you."

She stared up at him, her smile growing for the first time in days, "I love you, El," she shook her head, "thank you for not… giving up. It would have been the biggest mistake I'd ever made.."

"So you don't want to stop seeing me?" He couldn't help the hope in his voice, relaxing when she shook her head. He continued, "I'm happier to hear that than I can begin to show," he smiled and pulled back toward the couch, "now shall we watch shoddy animatronics try to fight each other?"

She laughed, the feeling almost unfamiliar, as she moved to curl up beside him on the couch with a blanket.

This is where she belonged and she was endlessly glad he didn't give up on her.

With people who care for her this much, how could she not see herself being okay?

She rest her head on his shoulder, laughing at the movie with her hand in his.

#elliott #elliott sdv #sdv elliott #sdv #sdv fanfic #stardew valley fanfic #stardew #stardew valley #elliott stardew valley #oh look a one-shot #barkspawn oneshot

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taegularities · 1 year

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Ah Rid, you don't have to worry about me truly. I've just been in my feels recently and especially tonight. I hope this little ramble doesn't just pile on bad vibes onto you when you're already feeling down because that's the last thing I want 🥺🥺🥺 But I guess it's better if I don't just let these thoughts fester in my head huh?

It's really not even anything that bad or big, but lately I've just felt quite... lonely irl. Or maybe more like craving deeper human connection? Because I do have people around me that I talk to and hang out with but it doesn't exactly feel enough. And thinking about it more it doesn't even have to be romantic (although that's where my brain went to at first) but just something closer, more intimate and personal.

All of that had me thinking back to the many friendships I've been in in the past years and how the atmosphere in a lot of them was very negative, so that's why I kept changing friend groups a lot. And then I was finally in a place where I had two very close girl friends and everything was so positive and uplifting, it was really nice. We naturally drifted apart and I'm fine with that, I just miss that closeness and positive energy, that connection and feeling of knowing each other so well.

And I was so excited to start uni because I actually love the process of initially getting to know people too, but now I just want something more 😔😔😔

I feel like that's definitely something that I should actively be building up too though so it feels like if it makes me so sad, why aren't I doing something about it yk? That's something I should probably think about more, how to make it happen. I just feel like not only do I want more love to be given to me, but also even more like I have so much love to give and nobody to give it to.

That being said I'm grateful for all of the people in my life. And feeling like this recently has made me appreciate everybody I've met online so so so much more than I already was. Everyone here, including you, Rid, makes me feel so so very happy and loved. It's just not easy when one of my main love languages is physical touch and everyone's all over the world and I can't actually hug you lmao.

I reeeeally wasn't sure if I should ramble to you because as I said, I didn't want to add onto your bad feelings, but I don’t think I can really say this to anyone else without feeling silly and I believe in the benefit of letting your feelings out. So thank you as always for listening, Rid. Please don't feel obligated to reply or anything if you don't have the emotional energy, it just feels good to put these thoughts out there.

I truly believe that we'll all be okay very very soon. I'm sending you the biggest hugs and all of the love in the world 💞💞💞

awh god, bby :((

reading this made me so sad. don't feel bad about it, it just means i care btw! i just hate that so many people have been feeling that way. i honestly get that 100% bc i too have been feeling a lot like this in the past few months.

loneliness sucks. sometimes you want to talk about something, but you don't know with whom. or sometimes, you want to go for lunch or dinner or go see a movie but can't figure out who to ask. i get it... i think there's always a point in life when loneliness strikes hardest, but i think we need to keep in mind that it's not our fault, or at least not always.

like, you said you know you could change it if you just tried, or that you need to push yourself harder. which is good. it's always great to acknowledge what can be done. but, and i always tell that myself too, it's not always easy and that's okay!! don't put yourself down. like, opening up can be fkn hard, especially after this stupid pandemic, so it's genuinely okay if it takes some time, you know? i was excited for uni as well bc i thought i could finally make new friends, but then you enter the room and just... ugh it's hard. ofc we crave intimate relationships of any kind, and yes friendships drift apart, but finding new ones just requires patience i think.

those are all things i tell myself daily. bc otherwise id spiral more lol and yes i'm so so thankful for everyone here, too. i love all my virtual moots and friends and readers and everyone, but it stinks that i can't hug anyone, so yeah ofc we'd want that irl warmth.

it'll happen !! take your time, dive into relationships step by step, doesn't have to happen overnight. there's this jk biased army girl, right? try with her if you'd like, but don't push yourself too hard. be comfortable. and also, never feel bad for venting, bc while i worry, your pain won't add to mine. like, i like to help.. so it's alright, anytime. and yeah, we'll be okay, at least at some point, you're right my love 💕

#love love love u 💕#i was gonna say more but it's almost 3am again jdjshdhs but i wanted to answer !!!#notes for rid 🌹#ivi <3 #it's literally like i wrote this ask #long ask

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incensuous · 2 years

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Hello haw are you?

I actually saw a post about haw yor when she rememberd why she do her job, she said that right now she done it because of something much more important than before and it is because of anya and loid, I don't know if this is true because the one who made the post hate yuri and calls him a freak, but it's sad if it was true because yuri not only her brother but he is her son too, and he love her soo much, and he is her family.

NONNIE MY DEAR I'M SOOO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE BUT I NEEDED TO DO YOR AND YURI JUSTICE SO I HAD TO GO BACK TO THE MANGA (spoilers ahead!!!)

short answer: HELL NO THAT'S NOT TRUE!!!

i've been meaning to make A MONSTER post about these two because i love them to bits. i probably can't consolidate everything i'm thinking into words, but believe me, yor and yuri really really love each other. i've talked to my friends before about how i really appreciate that yuri, while being a siscon, isn't "as bad" as some others we've seen (eg. makoto for kokomi in saiki). other siscons sometimes appear to fetishize sisters (either younger or older), but yuri genuinely loves yor because she's yor, and she's his sister, and she's done so much for him.

i think this is what the hater must have been referencing, however, the difference is that we have reading comprehension and can see here: yuri was the reason yor did all of this in the first place. in a whole internal monologue, yor questions why she is still doing her assassin job if yuri is self sufficient now.

but then she literally says "That still hasn't changed" meaning while yuri has a nice adult job with money, she still wants to better the world he is living in (just as he wants to do for her!!!). the only difference is she has more people to care about too! and that's fine!! that's how love works! for the first time, yor has more people to care about outside of yuri. her love just grew to include more people, yuri would never be replaced by anyone else.

#replies #briarcest #anon #shipcest #long post #yor x yuri

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leonakingscholarship · 2 years

Text

TW// mentions of self harm, body shamming, vomiting

Hello everyone it's me Serenity hehe

These past few days, I've been quite down and literally no motivation to move at all. I wanted to take a break from Tumblr for a few days but at the same time, I don't. Tumblr is the only place rn where I can find happiness and taking a break from Tumblr is kinda hard for me.

I've been doubting myself lately. A LOT. Misery is lingering in my whole body and I can't even look into my family's eyes without wanting to cry. I've doubted every one and everything I can do and have. I don't thinking I'm a lovable person, I feel like shit.

I do have friends (ol and irl) and the thing is, only 1 or 2 out of those people genuinely care about me. But do they really? I don't know anymore. Not only that, when in a group of friends and one of them decided to pull up with fucking favoritism, it makes me want to die, genuinely. It makes me feel like I am loved/liked less compared to others. Is it that hard to treat your friends equally especially when you entered their friend group? 🙁 But who am I to complain? Who am I to question them? Who am I to feel sad? I'm just a random stranger they met online. And because of my internal doubt, I don't think anyone actually cares about me as I, myself, think that I literally don't have anything that can be loved

I'm brainless, I also almost failed every subject I have and I don't even have anything I'm good at at school. Yeah, I can draw, but I'm not good at it. I say that every art is beautiful but my mind is starting to exclude my own art. Also, one time someone asked me 5 things I like about me, I had to think about atleast a few answers so hard since I really couldn't think of anything. Literally nothing is special about me

One of my wishes is for me to stop being attached to someone easily. Because of that, it hurts me a lot when I get attached to someone whether I know them personally or online and it turns out, I am just nothing to them

I lost all my motivation to move and my past few drawings are made with force. As I said, I almost failed school because of loss of motivation and another thing that bugs my head but I wouldn't talk about it. And since I lost motivation to do school, I only draw for the sake of me being happy even just for a little bit but now, my art is starting to look like shit in my eyes. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I feel like sadness and loneliness are swallowing me little by little

It came to the point where I stood on the kitchen, making a coffee. I was going to take scissors but the knife took my attention. I was trying my best to ignore the knife and not let my thoughts take over me to harm my body but I suddenly took the knife and placed it on my thigh, I was going to slash it but it was dull and I managed to stop myself from doing so and to not grab the sharper knife to use instead. I hate my thighs so much, they are big and always gets made fun of which I think is why it's the first thing I've thought of to harm amongst all my body and use it to let out my feelings. My so called "friends" makes fun of my arms and thighs the most which results to me hating it SO MUCH. They'll also call me "dead hungry" (which is translated as patay gutom in our language but I don't know the english term to it) or "greedy" and even make fun of my breasts and call them "saggy". Every time I'll take more spoonful of rice, I always feel guilty, I always feel like everyone is judging me. And I feel that every stare is like a dagger stabbing me and I fill up with guilt.

Earlier, I purposely vomited what I ate as I was breaking down in the bathroom. It kinda felt nice, it made me feel less guilty that I eat a lot.

Every time I'll look at the mirror, I am always disgusted by the sight facing me. I always feel like I'm ugly and no matter how much someone compliments me, I never believe them. The words "ugly", "cow", and "whale" are carved on my brain and they wouldn't leave. I feel so ugly and disgusting from head to toe.

I also remember one time which shattered me SO MUCH when we had a project, you need to have a partner since it's a partner/duo activity and one of my classmate was talking to his friend (which is also my classmate) and as I was sitting on my desk, I overheard them because they were behind me. "Find me a partner, anyone, I don't care who" then his friend replied, "[my name]" , it caught my attention even more and his reply was "Anyone but her" then they proceed to laugh hard. It shattered me so much especially because they had the guts to talk about me like that behind me, literally behind me. He was also the guy who talked about my body once or maybe more

I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. Drawing was the only thing that makes me happy when doing personal things but I slowly view my own art as "ugly". Here I go again, comparing my art to others. I wish I had the talent, I wish I had the skills, I wish my own art isn't ugly, I really want to improve but I literally don't want to move and do anything. There was a hint of lie when I mentioned that I was enjoying drawing those little comic strips. I feel so drained, so lonely, so fucking worthless, useless, and a big disappointment

#sorry for venting here everyone #tw: self harm #(almost self harm)#tw: vomit #tw: body negativity #tw: body talk #tw: body insecurity #tw: self doubt

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trippin-over-my-fandoms · 2 years

Text

It's 4am again. I need to be asleep. Something about how my parents don't like that I am twenty years old but I can't drive and don't have a job and I stay up all night and sleep until 1pm sometimes. Never up before noon.

But right now I sort of don't care. I'm in a mood again. The one that I try to bury but always creeps up on me. The same one that has my mind busy and me in tears until it's 6am and I've worn myself out to go to sleep. It comes and it goes with seemingly no reason other than I'm tired. But not always. Sometimes I think there's something deeper going on. But no one gets it. Not anyone that I can talk to. Have talked to. It always seems like they hear me, they think they know how to fix it. And when I try to explain that's easier said than done it's always "those are just excuses" and "you create problems to every solution" and "I can't talk to you when you won't listen to me."

I'm listening. I'm trying. Even if it doesn't seem like it. I want to not feel this way. I want to be able to go to sleep when I need to. I want to have a healthier lifestyle. But I don't have the self discipline to make it happen. Especially not on nights like these. Mornings like these.

I don't really have a reason to be this way. I know people with pasts that hurt far worse than mine. Things that actually keep people up. And I know I shouldn't compare but I'm just a twenty year old cis het white girl from a lower middle class family- stressed over money that isn't hers and she can't control, terrified of driving, no friends to do things with, and a need for attention.

Because lately that's been my thing. I've always needed approval. If my fanfics or photoshops don't get notes or likes or hits then I don't feel I've done good enough. I've always needed my family to accept my hobbies and tell me I'm doing a good job at them.

But right now, on top of that- I feel like I'm not getting the attention. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall when the eyes aren't on me and it's not a true conversation about the things I like. Maybe that's selfish. Ever since I was a kid I've tried so hard to listen more than I talk. And I talk a lot. Not just listen though, I've always known I needed attention. So to express being genuine and interested in what other's have to say I've always tried to engage with them. Ask them questions about their things. Talk with them about it. And lately I feel I haven't been getting that. Not where or when I really need it.

I always want to talk at the worst times.

I talk a lot.

I guess my family can only listen so much.

And it's always timed horribly. Not when I'm needy for affection. Because I need it in the form of attention, I guess, since I don't like physical touch. So I need to make up for it somehow. I need it to be made up for. But that's hard in a house of people who's love languages are touch.

I don't know. I'm feeling a lot of ways.

I just want to talk about things with people. Things I'm excited about right now. Not just anything. I wanna talk about Resident Evil 7/8. Anatomy. Photoshop. Video editing. Something I love. But also that other people love. I feel like a burden when I talk about things I'm into that other's aren't. That I'm annoying them. Wasting their time.

This isn't a post begging for attention. Nor is it an invite to start a conversation in my DMs. It's nice and all but I think I need it voice to voice if I can't get it face to face. I need the true security I'm not bothering people. Which is hard for me to get myself to believe.

This is just a vent.

Because it's 4am.

And I've got a horrible feeling in my brain that won't go away.

And I don't know who to tell.

Or how to get it out.

#sloanes thoughts #vent #delete later #i guess

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pseudodeepwords · 5 months

Text

july 31, 2023

i move through a house that was supposed to be home like a ghost

i'm afraid i'll wake the living

what happens when something made of ash and rubble intersects life?

i don't want to know. but i'm afraid i probably already do.

home is where the heart is

and i'm not heartless

but i'm not home either

so i let my feet fall softly along the floors of purgatory, neither here nor there, an unfortunate result of tragedy and my own miscalculations.

i have a place to live but i don't know if i'm alive.

i'm still homeless, though.

☆

i'm not adjusting well. whose fault that is depends on who you ask, i suppose. i thought things would be different than they are, but i'm afraid my naive streak is still going strong as ever. there's this feeling of dread always a few feet behind me, or maybe somewhere in between my vertebrae whispering objects in this mirror are closer than they may appear. i'm thinking of worms again. maybe i should get that on paper or typed document sometime soon, but the dread likes to sap all my energy and motivation. it siphons anything productive from inside of me and redirects it into itself, so that it can grow without my permission.

i don't think i'm wanted here much more than i was wanted there. if i said that it would get thrown back in my face, i'm sure, so you're one of the only ones that gets to know. b knows. but b knows everything that happens to me and most of me as well, so that shouldn't come as any surprise. they get angry on my behalf. it's nice that they care that much, but it scares me. i made the other two worry about me all the time, and what do i have to show for it? a combined roughly six months? will gets a free pass for still being my friend these days, but it very easily could have been different and sometimes i'm still surprised it isn't. b is different and i know that, but it's not like my brain actually listens to me most of the time.

i'm stupid stressed about the land shit. i probably shouldn't be, cuz the onus of that really doesn't fall on me, but when would i ever pass up the opportunity to sabotage my own well-being? i'm really surprised i haven't fucked everything up with b for that very reason, which is why i think i really genuinely believe them when they say they love me and i don't worry about it even a little bit. i have to fight off the inner saboteur with a bat sometimes, but that asshole usually quiets down when it realizes that i refuse, completely and utterly, to ever do anything to b that could hurt them like that. it's simply not going to happen.

i cried weekend before last on the way home from will's house because i went the way we used to go see mom. and then further down is how we went to see jerry for dad. and the way it hit me that i'll probably never make that drive again, that i'm more alone than i've ever been, that the only people in my family i can rely on are my sister and my dad in that fucking nursing home, would be enough to kill me if i wasn't afraid of the collateral damage.

i don't stay alive for me, you know. not really. i do it for everyone else, cuz i can't stop being a self-sacrificing piece of shit for one single minute. i don't usually do self-deprecation (it's not good for the mind), but every now and again i gotta beat the shit out of myself just to get it out of me. i'm blasting the fuck outta some beach house now so i don't have to hear everyone else here be in a joyful mood but me. it's lazuli. that was my first beach house song, and when i was probably in 8th grade (maybe a freshman in high school), i made an 8tracks playlist with this on it as a character playlist for lapis from steven universe. i liked lapis. she felt like me. i forget about that sometimes.

#poetry #journal #it's both!

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grimreapest · 11 months

Text

I am so damn lost at this point.

Like I really don't know what to do.

Do I like them as in qpr like them or is it just

Me being caught off guard by actually having a relationship that could be close to a qpr for the first time

Or me not being able to completely distinguish between platonic and queerplatonic

Or me really wanting a qpr and to find "the person"

Or that feeling of needing to be in a relationship to heal my crippling lack of self esteem, to feel like I'm not unlovable, to feel like I'm deserving and capable of being in a relationship (I know that's like wrong lmao I try to ignore it)

Or me being excited I met another queer person and generally wanting to explore existing in a queer relationship

Or me being really really touch deprived

Or me having so much love stored in me that I rarely had anyone to give to and I just need to give to someone

Or them seeming to care about me and wanting to help with my problems and shit

Or them being understanding and compassionate

Or them liking me which could probably be making me feel like I have to reciprocate

Or them being way too nice to me and saying really nice things and actually like expressing their emotions about me and reassuring me

There's more probably but I can't recall

And most of the stuff that relates to their behaviour towards me I've either experienced rarely or literally never. And meeting someone who's actually nice after such a long time of being traumatised in various ways and denied basic human needs? It makes sense you'd get really attached. Plus I don't want to project or anything but I feel like they've got to relate to some of these and maybe that's why they even like me in the first place. It would make so much more sense. Because I know they relate to some of this and like I refuse to believe when they say they like me they mean like actually, genuinely, head over heels, this is "the one", stomach butterflies kinda like. Or whatever you know what I mean lol like I feel like they can't feel that way about me. They even said we could go back to being friends at any point and they're not upset by me not making a decision, they can't be that into me right. Or is there something else going on. I just don't know

Some people would probably say I'm overthinking. Just go ahead with it and you'll probably have like a great time for a while and then you can just split if it's not right. Maybe it's even necessary to gain some experience and whatnot. But I can't stand the idea of like being so irresponsible with someone's feelings. Because I somehow feel like this isn't meant to be and in the end one of us would have to call it off and I just. I can't. What if I'm right and they do like me because of trauma and stuff and one day they'll realise and feel like they made a mistake liking me? I think maybe I could handle being broken up with but breaking up with someone myself? What if they're the same flavour of traumatised as me, what would happen? I can't like hurt someone like that, someone I care about a lot. Even if it wouldn't really be rejection because they said we could go back to being friends at any point I would still feel like I'm rejecting them and maybe, at the bottom of their heart, they would too.

I have no idea what to do. None whatsoever. I never imagined anything like this would ever happen to me and it's just so much responsibility and I'm so scared. I don't want to do the wrong thing. I don't even know what I really want under all that trauma and neurodivergence and whatever else. Or is that just me and should I start thinking of it as an inevitable part of me that will always be a part of my decisions and opinions. I just don't know what to do and I'm scared I never will.

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catnherthoughts · 1 year

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writing a letter to you in hopes of moving on. 3/11

hi j****,

how have you been? i genuinely want to know. i spend most of my time wondering about how your'e doing. i spend most of my time thinking about you. it sucks yk. i don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. what we had and what we could have had. i want to know why we ended, honestly. i think that would bring me peace. did you ever like me? i know you did, or at least that's what i'd like to believe. i can't say that you are a bad person. i can say the other guys are because they proved they were bad people, however it's not that easy with you. i think that is why this is so hard. why i slice and dice my arms over you. you are a good man and i liked you so much and then you left. and sure we can say we are friends now but after much contemplation i'm not sure how that would work. maybe in a few years from now we'll find each other and we can talk about what went wrong. until then i won't know. maybe next time we're both drunk we will meet up and do what we did and i'll feel more used than ever. do you remember when you asked me what made sex bad? it's not the actual deed. i mean it's not wonderful when some guy is thrusting into you in missionary and all you can think about is what you want for dinner but that's not it. it's the feeling after of feeling used. feeling like a sex doll, something to release into and to make a man feel good. i'm not going to lie, you made me feel that way the most. you won't know these names, don't worry. jivan would make me feel beautiful and we spent time discussing philosophy. we would watch tv after and he begged to cuddle with me skin on skin. eli would overstay his time and talk to me about his friend's and watch stupid shows with me. when we were done we smiled and he kissed me. you... just left. "you don't have to walk me down". didn't answer my texts for days. how could you devalue me that much. it felt and still feels like i don't matter to you whatsoever. what happened to the man who would text me everynight until he fell asleep? the one who worried for my health and liked my memes. that man is the one i miss. i don't know who you are anymore. your behavior sucks and i wish you could do better. if i had the answer im not sure i would feel better. i just wish you showed yu cared a bit more. i mean i will say you fucked better than them both but regardless i think i'm worth more than that. i know that its not 'if i said you could never touch me, you'd come over and say i looked lovely.' its more of 'he only loves me when we're all alone'. i can't even drink and have fun anymore because i always think about how i want to see you or text you but i can't because you dont like me anymore. maybe you hate me and think i'm crazy. you left me with these emotions towards you and hope and i'm just trying to figure out how to deal with them. i've been writing so much and i think that at a minimum i've written 15k words about you and us what what we could've been. i wish we could fall back to what we were really. i wish you'd come back and apologize and tell me everything. i dreamt about you last night. for some reason i wanted you to get me pregnant. wow. to have your child but we came to mutual agreements but how nice was it to see your face again. i adored the person you are and i think that time we spent will always mean a lot to me. you made me feel pretty, you made me feel like i was able to be loved, you helped me a ton in moments where i needed it. yes, now i am feeling a bit suicidal in your absence but i am still glad we shared time.

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somnolent-scout · 2 years

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Hey keep your chin up ok? It sounds like you're going through a rough time rn and that's why you're struggling to talk to people. Take care and be kind to yourself, you're doing great

No, that's not really what's going on.

I'm putting others through a rough time. I should be the one being put through a rough time, not others. I'm a fucking monster. I'm toxic, disgusting, selfish, disgraceful, and careless. I have no filter and I have no idea how to keep a normal fucking friendship. Every single friendship I've had has always ended in disaster, with the other person leaving more traumatized and mentally damaged than they were before they met me. I don't deserve to be given forgiveness. I don't deserve friendships. I don't deserve anyone's time or attention. I should be fucking isolated and hospitalized. I'm a fucking monster.

I'm already so used to having to apologize for everything I do. So many people have left me after just a few weeks of talking. So many people have told me I deserve nothing. I don't know how to believe someone when they say they care about me or that they aren't upset at me. I'm so used to broken people being my friends, and how their terrible health has their dragged me down to the point where I can't fucking breathe anymore.

I have no worth at this point. I have no social skills. I have no qualities. I have no good things to say. I have no good things to do. I have absolutely nothing. I'm worth nothing. I'm nothing.

And yet, I still believe that someone could love me. How fucking stupid is that, huh? I still believe that one day I'll find someone who would actually love me. It's such a fucking obvious lie, but I believe it so often.

I don't deserve to be given second chances. I don't deserve to be given forgiveness. I don't deserve to be given love. I don't deserve to be given kindness. I don't deserve to be given help. I don't deserve to be given anything.

I could never take care of myself or let myself have any form of self care. Everytime I try to treat myself to something nice after a harsh day at work, I always feel so guilty doing so. I constantly feel like I shouldn't be allowed nice things because there's others out there that I know deserve it more than I do. There's others out there who live in abusive households who deserve that nice thing more than I do. I can't even eat food without thinking about how I know there's people out there who deserve that food more than I do.

I could never be kind to myself because I know what I've done. I know my past, my history, and every mistake I've made. I never forget or forgive myself for any mistakes I make. I still haven't forgiven myself for dumb shit I've said when I was 6 years old. I can't be kind to a monster. I can't be nice to a degenerate. I can't be nice to myself.

No matter how rough my life seems, I know there's people that are in worse situations than me. My struggles mean nothing compared to theirs. I'm moving states in July, and my family is trying to get as much packing done as possible now. My dad and I have to take the family's two cats in a car all the way up to Washington from Arizona. My own mental health is deteriorating, despite the medication I'm on and the therapist I'm finally seeing. I'm finishing up school and getting ready for college.

I feel guilty for having a family that loves me. I feel guilty for having parents that actively support me. I feel guilty for having parents who would be willing to travel anywhere to get me an abortion if I needed one. I feel guilty for having parents who genuinely love me for who I am. They're always so supportive of my LGBTQ+ identity. They always make sure to ask about what pronouns I want to use and how I'm feeling that week in terms of gender. My mum has always told me that if I ever wanted to fully transition to male, she'd throw me a gender reveal party. My dad's always been so supportive of me drifting away from my female identity, even though he still loves me as his little girl. But I feel guilty about it all. I feel like I don't deserve the wonderful family I've been given. I feel like I shouldn't have a such a wonderful home life.

I feel guilty.

I feel sick.

I feel wrong.

I feel..

I feel broken.

I had no idea how much I needed to say all of this. Thank you for sending me this ask. I'm sorry if this wasn't the answer you were expecting, but goddamn.. I really needed to get that out.

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sinswithpleasure · 3 years

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The Playgirl (ft. LOONA's Yves) [Part 2] [Female Reader]

---------------

Hello! I'm back with part 2!

Futa!Yves x Fem Reader, just in case ya forgot.

If you prefer, this is also on AO3 and AFF!

---------------

Yves shows up on time for tutoring, to your surprise.

"Hey baby."

"Don't 'baby' me."

"Sure. Let's start."

"Alright. Open up the textbook. We're starting from the basics. I've printed out some of the prerequisites for this topic, since what you did last time wasn't up to standard due to lack of practice of the basics. Now…"

Yves listens attentively. In fact, things go a bit too smoothly for the both of you. Yves doesn't make any cheeky quip, pull out any pet names, or flirt with anyone that passes by. The womanizing playgirl you knew disappears, and in its place is a focused, dedicated young woman. Sometimes, you even find yourself staring at her work on the problems in front of her. The change is… welcome, to say the least.

Your eyes roam Yves's styled hair, swiped back to expose her forehead, down to her beautiful large eyes, button nose, and full lips.

God, you're gay. Sure, you're literally admiring the beauty of the most insufferable bane of the universe, but you're just so fucking gay and hot people are hot, no matter how irritating they are, so...

When your eyes shift back up, you're met with Yves's smirk.

"See something you like, babe?"

Fuck.

"N-no."

"Liar."

"Fuck off." You rush to change the subject. "How're you doing?"

"I've been done for a while. You would know if you weren't spending the time looking at me."

You refuse to dignify her with a response, checking through the solved problems. With your coaching, Yves manages to get two more questions correct as compared to last time, but she still makes some simple mistakes.

"Okay, here's the issue. In question two…"

---------------

Yves continues to show up for every tutoring session. Somehow, a week passes by, and it is now Friday.

"Good afternoon, babygirl."

"Don't 'babygirl' me. How many times do I have to say it?"

"Mm, whatever. How're you doing?"

"Why do you care?"

Yves pulls out the chair next to you, leaning back on it, resting her legs on the table. She turns to you, grinning.

"Of course I'd care! You're my tutor, and if you don't feel good, you won't be able to teach me properly. If I don't get taught, I won't learn, then I'll fail, and I don't get to win. You know that I always win."

"I'm not sleeping with you."

"That's what you say, but not what you mean."

"Fuck you."

"That's what you'll be doing in five months' time."

"No I won't. Bring out the Calc textbook. We're going through Chapter 4 today."

"Alright, babygirl."

----------------

The change in Yves becomes apparent when she somehow is present earlier than you on Monday morning.

"Yves?"

"Oh, hey babe."

You sigh at the pet name, but having heard her call you that for quite some time now, it doesn't grind your gears as much anymore.

"Don't 'babe' me."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Yves returns her attention to the papers she is working on, and the familiar math problems catch your eye.

"Calc?"

"Yeah. I promised I'll be the best student. Here I am."

"We'll see about that."

"You're looking at it right now." Yves rises from her chair, and in a flash, she has her arm around your waist, her face inches from yours. "I'm going to win, babygirl."

"G-Get off me!" Your face reddens instantly at the close proximity of your lips to hers. Memories of the chaste kiss Yves planted take front and center stage, and you can't help but look away from Yves.

"You're so pretty."

Yves has her gaze locked on your lips, then to your eyes. She is so close, too close, even. Heat flashes all over your body—every touch Yves leaves on you seems to burn.

"I mean it. You're gorgeous."

"T-Thank you."

The smug smirk never leaves Yves's face. She releases you from her smoldering gaze and grip, but she leaves you with a rapidly beating heart and a large distraction for the day to come.

When class begins, Yves tries to take the time to listen to the professor. However, she is soon back to her old ways, flicking paper balls at classmates and being on her phone more than she listens.

"Yves."

"Yeah, baby?" She meets your gaze, her tongue darting out to moisten her dry lips. Her hands carry on working on moulding another tiny paper ball.

"You're not listening."

"I am!"

"What was the last thing the prof said?"

"Um…"

You roll your eyes.

"Best student, my ass."

"I made that promise to you, not to him."

"You won't learn if you don't listen to him either. How're you going to be the best if you can't even do that?"

"Oh, so that's how it is?"

"That's right." You think hard about the words you want to say next, but maybe… maybe it is worth the risk. After all, Yves is still the bane of your existence, but she could be less of that if she keeps up her effort in trying to learn.

"You don't get to fuck me if you're not the best."

You watch as Yves freezes. She stares at you, her jaw hanging, before she steels her gaze to your eyes, staring deep into your soul.

"So this is how you wanna play, babygirl?"

"Yeah." You can feel your bravado slowly disappearing.

"Fine. I'll listen. I'll play by your rules."

Yves leans to your ear, her breath sending shivers down your spine. Her deep whisper makes you shudder.

"You will be mine at the end of the year, baby. I promise you: I'll ace my exams, and you'll love me for it."

Perhaps provoking your seatmate wasn't the best idea. Now you have to deal with the deep flush on your face and neck, as well as the heat between your legs.

---------------

A month passes.

Every week, the same things go by—tutoring, classes, more tutoring, more classes. However, what changes is how close you and Yves get with each other. By no means were the both of you friends, but she isn't as much of a thorn in your side anymore.

[yves💘 sent a message:]

Baby

I need a bit more help with the math from the last chapter.

Can I see you this weekend?

Saturday, 10am, Seoul U entrance?

[You sent a message:]

Sure.

I'll see you.

[yves💘 sent a message:]

Good.

Dress nicely, baby. It's a date.

[You sent a message:]

Fuck off.

You groan when Yves manages to charm you through text. Outfit ideas are already flowing through your head, and you sink your face into the comfort of your palms. Why do you even care about looking pretty for Yves?⁶

Well… that genuine grin she flashed after a muffled gasp of surprise when you wore a dress once in the past month was gorgeous on her. That was why.

You remember Yves actually having the slightest hint of a blush when looking at you, and she seemed to be a little less flirty that day, opting to take short glances at you when she thought you weren't watching. This newfound attention was… welcome. You couldn't deny feeling shy having Yves check you out. After all, you were just the nerd girl in class, and having this attention from a hot girl you could consider a crush not as much of a pain in your ass felt so good.

-----

Saturday arrives, and here you are, waiting outside Seoul University.

You choose to keep things simple: just a simple button-down dress with daisies printed on the fabric. Your hair is tied up in a cute bun. The pink backpack you carry completes the look, with a nice pair of flats.

The sun isn't too bright, and a cool breeze keeps you comfortable while waiting. You can't help but get nervous, though you know it is irrational to feel so. After all, this is just another study session. However, Yves's text to you earlier in the week keeps flashing across your eyes.

'Dress nicely, baby. It's a date.'

You know this is just a study session. However, a part of you dimly wishes that it isn't, before you hurriedly bash those thoughts with a hammer and then set them on fire.

The revving of a motorbike catches your attention before it zooms down the road. You can see the bike move across the lanes, then slowing to a stop in front of you. The rider, clad in all black leather, complete with jacket and boots, seems to freeze in front of you, before slowly drawing the helmet off their head.

"Hey, babygirl."

Yves grins at you, her eyes sweeping over your body. Her gaze lands on your legs, moving up to your torso, your chest, and then to your eyes and hair.

The next words she mutters are meant to be kept to herself, but you hear her anyway.

"Fuck, you're gorgeous."

Your heart takes off, pounding against your chest. You try to hide the flush on your face by staring at the ground, but you field a gaze to Yves, who looks a bit like a deer caught in headlights. She looks so handsome, so cool, and downright fucking hot at the same time.

Hmm… What would it feel like being pinned under her again?

The intrusive thought you have gets stamped out instantly, but the effect lingers—you can't help but check Yves out, feeling a rush of heat deep within your loins.

Her agreement with you was starting to look more and more appealing. Maybe you do have to teach her well.

"Get on."

"What?"

"Let's go. I gotta park the bike, and the cafe isn't close by. Get on."

Yves hands you a spare black helmet, and you hesitantly take it.

"Don't kill me."

"I won't." She grins. "I like you too much to think about doing that."

Your breath catches in your throat. It's not uncharacteristic of her to say things like that so easily, but maybe… just maybe… you want her to mean it.

You get onto the bike as Yves holds it steady. You don't know where to put your hands, but Yves grabs your arms, pulling them to wrap around her waist.

"Hold on tight, babygirl."

"Okay." You can't believe what's happening right now.

"I'm gonna go."

The engine revs.

-----

Yves trails behind you as both of you make your way to the cafe. Yves is quiet along the way, unlike her usual flirting if she caught you staring at her. When you glance back to her, you see her eyes dart away from you, staring at the floor as she swipes her hair back.

Weird.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Never been better, baby." Her reply is unconvincing, especially with a forced grin, but you don't want to really push her for a reply.

"Er… Okay. Sure."

Both of you make your way into the cafe, stopping by the counter to grab the menu. When you sit down at a table, Yves sits across you, her eyes locked onto you as you peruse your options.

"You're staring a lot today, Yves."

"Oh, um, er…" She looks away, her voice soft. This is very unlike her.

"Are you really okay?"

"Yeah, baby. I'm feelin' great, ready to learn, and get good." She leans back, resting her hands on the armrests of her chair.

Oh.

She has a crop top on.

Oh my fucking God, she has abs.

You short circuit.

Two columns of defined muscle greet your eyes, as if to mock you. It wasn't like she was someone you didn't find hot. Now, you have to find out that she also has abs?!

Your mouth dries instantly, and you grab your bottle, taking a swig. The cool liquid quenches your physical thirst, but your mental thirst…

"Don't look too much, babygirl. You might get hypnotized."

Yves tilts your chin up with a finger, moving to lean close to your face.

"My eyes are up here."

Holy fucking shit, she's so fucking hot.

You wonder how you didn't notice them when she had that fishnet and crop top combo. Maybe her pants covered them, maybe you were blinded in your dislike for her. Whatever, you've seen them now. No reason to stop… respectfully staring, especially when you can.

"Look at me."

You meet Yves's smoldering gaze.

"Keep your eyes up here, babygirl." Her warm breath against your lips makes you yearn to lean in and close the gap. "I don't want them anywhere else when they're so beautiful."

You whimper involuntarily, and Yves chuckles.

"You're so fucking pretty, you know that?"

The shame that burns when you squeak and break your gaze to hide in the pretense of reading the menu is something you don't want to admit that you feel coursing through your veins, but it's there. When you lower the menu, Yves has her chin in her palm, her head tilted to the left, a satisfied grin on her features.

"I mean it, baby. You look really pretty today."

"T-Thank you."

"You're welcome. Let's order, I'm starving."

"Okay."

"Oh." Yves leans towards you, lowering the menu to stare into your eyes once more. "You'll get to see what you want to see when I ace the exams. Be patient, babe."

You groan.

-----

That night, you toss and turn on the bed incessantly. Every time you close your eyes, you can feel hot breath across your lips, smell the scent emanating off Yves, and sense her burning gaze on you. Yves's handsome features are burnt deep into your head, and just the thought of her sends your heart pounding and temperature rising.

You think of her abs under her clothes, the defined muscle jumping out to your eyes. She already looks so good, so delicious, and yet, things only go up from here.

The rush of heat between your legs doesn't help things.

You turn again, ignoring your basest desires. Bedtime it is.

#kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction #loona yves #ha sooyoung #loona fanfiction #loona fanfic #female reader insert #female reader

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