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theoldsports · 5 months

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married.

Coriolanus Snow x reader | 5.5k words

alcohol makes consent messy, substance abuse, manipulation, arranged marriage, public humiliation, two-way abusive relationship <3

Coriolanus may well replace Lupin as my favorite guy to write for. he’s fucked up. i can’t fix him, but i could certainly make him worse.

As quietly as possible, [Y/N] closed the door to Coriolanus’s lavish new apartment behind her. She didn’t particularly want him to know that she had left the apartment in the first place. There were always too many questions.

[Y/N] had recently moved in with Coriolanus since their engagement. Her parents had arranged their marriage with his grandmother, affectionately called the Grandma’am not long before she passed. Coriolanus was about the most desirable bachelor in the Capitol. Not only was he an excessively handsome twenty-three year old, but he was also growing increasingly wealthy and had recently received his first assignment as a Gamemaker working on creating a new arena structure for the Hunger Games. Everyone who was anyone in polite society knew of Coriolanus Snow.

And [Y/N] hated him with everything she had. She had to see his defiant smirk in school every day for years since they were twelve or so. She hid from him every chance she got at home. [Y/N] slept in another room away from him. The only advantage of their marriage were the politics and name recognition for the both of them.

“I didn’t realize you were going out.” Coriolanus said flatly, snapping [Y/N] from her thoughts. She hadn’t even realized he had been in the apartment’s common area. He was sitting calmly in an putrid-looking armchair, alarmingly still.

[Y/N] gasped and clutched her chest in surprise. “Is there a problem with my leaving?” She said quickly.

“No problem.”

[Y/N] looked at him curiously. “Okay.” She said and moved passed him to her bedroom.

After a moment of pause, Coriolanus appeared in her doorway. He leaned against her doorframe with a hand in his pocket. “Where were you, by the way?” He asked plainly.

“I don’t see how that’s your business.”

“It was beginning to get late. Our engagement party’s in two hours. I cannot very well attend an engagement event without my fiancée. So. Where were you?”

“Dry cleaner’s.”

Coriolanus let out a scoff. [Y/N] could see him get hot under the collar. “You expect me to believe you were—Where’s the laundry?” Coriolanus questioned.

[Y/N] reached into her coat pocket for the stub of her laundry receipt. “Dropping off, not picking up. You’re on Lucky Flickerman’s next week. Dropping off my dress ahead of time. Anything left you would like to accuse me of?” [Y/N] sighed, leaned against her desk chair.

“Do not speak to me like that,” Coriolanus begun, sighing. It was obvious that he felt undue humiliation from her response. “It’s childish and unbecoming.”

“So is your being a hypocrite.” [Y/N] snapped back instantly.

The pair fought daily. Never had Snow laid a hand on her, but it wouldn’t be surprising if he did one day. [Y/N] didn’t recall any particular fights he had been involved in at the Academy, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t happen.

“Stop acting like a child!” Coriolanus repeated. “Are we not allowed one remotely pleasant moment together? You know I don’t want this just as much as you, but here we are. Can’t we be civil?”

“I am capable of civility, yes. You, on the other hand…”

“You’re disgusting. You don’t know how to listen. It blows me away. I asked you a simple question that a married couple should ask the other when one is gone. Now you’re screaming at me like a little girl. Grow up.”

“Grow up? You wanna talk about childish; you’re selfish, demanding, and cold. I’m scared to death of you. You make me feel like a toy, not a person, Coriolanus. I was always pretty fucking certain children had toys, not grownups.”

“Good gracious… Fine! Be that way. Cause a fucking scene!” Coriolanus screamed. His temper flared. He got that look in his eye that only men can get when they lose something they wanted. “My coat and tie are black. I’m assuming you’re not intending to clash or something, so just letting you know. Y’know. Communication. The polite thing to do.” He reported and stormed out of her room to his own. Her door slammed so hard behind him that she feared in may splinter off its hinges. What must the neighbors think of them?

[Y/N] resisted the urge to shout for Coriolanus to drop dead.

She was left to ready herself alone. As she pulled out her dress (that wouldn’t look foul against Coriolanus’s coat and tie) from the closet, she caught a glimpse of the engagement ring on her finger. White gold with a moderately sized ruby set in the middle. She was told both the gold and the stone were real, but she had her doubts to some extent. She found it was difficult to believe anything Coriolanus said. The ring made it clear that Coriolanus didn’t truly know [Y/N] because she had always worn silver jewelry. She felt isolated from all her prior jewelry pieces as now, none of them matched.

Then, [Y/N] stepped into her dress. A flowing black ballgown with a full petticoat and a glittery exterior over the fine satin it was made from. She couldn’t quite complete the buttons running up the dress’s back. She sat down at a small vanity Coriolanus had purchased her to do her hair and makeup. She assumed he would be hard pressed by the fact she couldn’t button the back of her own ballgown; that she was incapable or needy.

After dragging kohl and shadows over her eyelids, among other things, she set out to find the correct pair of shoes to match the dress.

The problem with dressing to match Coriolanus is that he was excessively tall. This meant every dress had to be accompanied by the tallest heels one could find. [Y/N]’s ankles ached just thinking about a night in shoes like that again. With her makeup done and her dress unbuttoned down the back, [Y/N] set out to find the red heels Coriolanus had purchased for her. She sat unceremoniously on the floor with her large skirt fluffed out around her to dig in her closet for the shoes.

Coriolanus was fastening his white gold and ruby cufflinks that matched [Y/N]’s engagement ring when he knocked at her door.

“Yes, what?” She shouted from the floor.

Coriolanus pulled the door open without asking if she was decent. “I was going to ask if you were ready, but I can see that you aren’t.” He sighed. Coriolanus never apologized after a fight, instead he tried to placate in whatever way possible. He was incapable of an apology, [Y/N] thought. Whether it was buying her something, taking her out, helping her find something she had lost, that’s what he would do to ease his own guilt. If he could feel guilt.

[Y/N] sighed as well. She was unwilling to engage in verbal sparring with him now. She lowered her head in a visual show of defeat. “I can’t find my other shoe,” She said weakly. “The red ones you got me.”

“The red heels?” He asked quietly. Coriolanus perceived she was not much in the mood for his attitude, and felt his residual anger cool off several degrees.

[Y/N] nodded hopelessly. She didn’t want to go to the engagement party. She didn’t want to be marrying Coriolanus under terms such as these. [Y/N] felt like property and everything hurt.

“Let me look,” Coriolanus said. What he meant to say was ‘I’m sorry for everything,’ but what he said was: “I’ll help you look. Don’t wrinkle your dress, alright?”

[Y/N] stood up awkwardly, holding the falling bodice of her dress up. She felt uncomfortable being so vulnerable in front of him like this. “Sorry, I couldn’t button the back.” She said. With her free hand, she reached around the back of the dress in an attempt to close it.

“Don’t apologize. I’ll get it. Turn,” Coriolanus commanded plainly. [Y/N] did as he said. He notched the buttons down her back with ease. “You should’ve called for help. I didn’t realize you were struggling.” He said. He patted her shoulder to signify he was done with the back of her dress. Coriolanus moved in front of her closet and bent down to find the missing left red shoe.

It was silent for a moment. “Of course you weren’t aware I was struggling.”

Coriolanus offered no reply. He understood what she meant.

“Aha!” He said after a few moments, holding up a matching set of shoes. Coriolanus placed them on the floor in front of her so she could step into them. He offered [Y/N] a hand for stability as she did so.

“Thank you,” she said. “Hey, Coriolanus?”

“Hm?”

“Are you nervous?”

“No,” he replied, standing up from the carpeted floor. “Are you?” Coriolanus’s blue eyes were piercingly inquisitive. Eyes that didn’t want to know you, but to consume you.

“Yes.”

“Really? Why?” Coriolanus asked. It didn’t feel rude or hot-tempered. It was merely a plain question. It made [Y/N] feel safe to answer, even though she remained guarded.

“I’m presenting myself as the soon-to-be wife of the most important thirty-under-thirty in the Capitol in an arranged marriage. And you hate me. You have hated me since we were children. My life is over, Coriolanus. This is for you and for my family’s honor, evidently. What do I have left?”

“You think I hate you?” Coriolanus asked, bending his neck to look at [Y/N]. “I don’t hate you.” [Y/N] wasn’t sure how truthful the statement was.

“Well, at least, you don’t like me.”

Curiously, Coriolanus placed a hand on her neck and dragged his thumb across [Y/N]’s jawline. “That’s such shit, [Y/N]. I didn’t realize you thought that of me. That you… Felt that way at all,” he started carefully. “Rather, and this sounds silly, I enjoy arguing with you. I sort of thought you did as well. You’re ruthless, I admire that,” He smirked and paused for a breath. “I do like you. Believe it, or not. I’ll just have to figure out a way to show you better,” Coriolanus’ hand slid from [Y/N]’s throat, down her side and back to eventually rest at her waist. She blinked up at him, surprised at the luxury of such unexpected contact from him. “Your life is not over. You wanna work, work. You want to not work, stay home. Please, allow me to do what I can for you. I can open doors. Whatever you want, name it. Things, opportunity,” [Y/N] nodded at the word ‘opportunity.’ “You’re meant to be my wife and I’m… really, I’m one of the best resources there is around here. Let me use that advantage. Had I known sooner, I wouldn’t have wasted all that time and money buying you things you hate.” He attempted a casual joke, holding her too close to him.

They were closer physically than they had ever been. Due to their proximity, [Y/N] had to rest her hands on Coriolanus’ chest as she stared up at him. She didn’t know what to say, so she nodded and straightened the red rose at his lapel. “You just might get yourself that unified front with me if you bring home your work…”

“You’re interested in Gamemaking? Since when?”

[Y/N] rolled her eyes. “We’re going to be late. We can speak about this later.”

“By all means.” Coriolanus leaned down awkwardly and kissed her. Maybe it was out of duty, maybe out of desire. Neither of them knew. They had shared the occasional peck on the lips for social reasons before, but this felt a bit different. It was charged somehow. A promise.

When they separated, [Y/N] stared at Coriolanus. He was all eyes - blue, blue, blue. He blinked at her. She blinked back. “Come on, we’ll be late to our own party.”

—

The whole ride to the event venue, Coriolanus had kept his hand on [Y/N]’s thigh. This was an unusual gesture. Normally, he didn’t chance touching her, even by accident. It was an unspoken agreement to keep their distance.

“I’m gonna be sick.” [Y/N] groaned into her palm as she exited the vehicle, led by Coriolanus toward the door of the event hall. The building had been destroyed when they were children in the war and had been recently restored to its former glory.

“Same thing as earlier, or did you decide I’m the worst person on earth?”

“Same as before. Haven’t decided about the second thing. My parents are going to be here too. You remember them?”

“Yes. I’ve met them… Twice, I believe—”

“Tread carefully.” [Y/N] said, offering no additional support.

Coriolanus nodded in solemn understanding. His eyebrows knitted together, knowing one more nasty, exhausting troublespot would be in his way tonight. He hated social gatherings as much as [Y/N]. With all the gentleness he could muster, Coriolanus took her hand. “Heading inside… Unified front?”

“If I must.” [Y/N] said.

With that, the night took off. Bright flashing cameras reflected off the black and white marble of the building, and applause rang off the large, cavernous walls. Everyone was shaking their hands, greeting and congratulating them, and stopping them for overly pictures at every turn. For a moment, [Y/N] truly believed that everything in her life was perfect, because everyone around her seemed to assume that it was. It made the pill of her future easier to swallow.

Coriolanus led her around the room with ease. He introduced her to many individuals whose names she would not remember tomorrow. She was beginning to develop a stunning routine of artifice with him as Coriolanus puppeted her around the room. Each interaction functioned with a greeting from Coriolanus to the stranger, he would remove his arm from [Y/N]’s waist and drag it down her arm into her hand in order for her to showcase her striking gown. Then he would say “isn’t my fiancée beautiful?” or “isn’t she just divine?” or “what a lucky man am I?” [Y/N] would chuckle and compliment him back with “my Coriolanus, ever the charmer!” or “isn’t he just divine?” or “what a lucky woman am I?” accordingly. They would smile sickeningly and pretend they were in love, he would lean in and kiss [Y/N] on the cheek, and she laugh warmly at his ‘spontaneity’ and place a hand on his chest, or straighten his tie.

After that, they would move on to greet the next poor sucker and repeat the process.

Eventually, [Y/N] dragged Coriolanus off to the side so she could relax her artificial grin. “Sorry, I need a moment. My face hurts. And that last man and his wife, was that his wife? They stunk. They smelled so foul it is unreal.”

Coriolanus smirked. “Those were my next door neighbors growing up. Vile. They’re very heavy morphling users, if you couldn’t tell with the glazed over look and twitchy eyebrow.” Coriolanus mocked.

[Y/N] laughed, hard. “Oh, you’re terrible!” She jeered. “Damn, what I wouldn’t give for morphling tonight…”

“Don’t tell me you’re a junkie, now.” Coriolanus pressed.

“Junkie is such a strong word…”

“Well, since I can’t get you high out of your mind at the moment, best I can offer is posca. I can grab you a glass and you can hide from the onslaught for a moment.” Coriolanus offered.

“Please. A particularly stiff glass if you can swing it. Or whiskey!” [Y/N] said. She watched Coriolanus turn to leave for the bar. [Y/N] tucked herself in a corner behind a noble Corinthian column for a moment of peace. A few people came and went that she greeted with that 1000-watt fake smile of hers, but she was mostly left unbothered. [Y/N] caught sight of a clock and realized Coriolanus had been gone for several minutes longer than he should have. She excused herself from talking to some old woman that claimed to be some distant great aunt or something of Coriolanus’ and set off to locate him and her posca.

Cutting through the crowd, [Y/N] spotted tall Coriolanus over most everyone’s heads, holding two glasses of posca, and speaking to her parents.

Fuck.

Her parents.

[Y/N] rushed sharply towards Coriolanus. She stopped short of approaching. She wanted to listen in for a moment to what they might be saying. [Y/N] knew her parents were of the socially treacherous sort. She turned her back to them and stood, pretending she didn’t know they were there.

“…Hasn’t given you too much trouble.” She heard her mother laugh.

Coriolanus laughed uncomfortably back. “Ha, not too much, no,” He said. “She’s quite fiery, for lack of a better word, though. Tough. She’s a tough woman.”

“You’re a strong young man, Coriolanus. I’m sure you’ll find a way to put her in her place. You can’t have her compromise your image and all that, you know. She can just be so destructive.” Her father said.

[Y/N] felt her heart sink. The positive interactions she had with Coriolanus were slipping out of her mind by the second in overhearing the conversation.

“Ah, yes sir,” Coriolanus said. “We’ve got a whole lifetime for—“

[Y/N] turned around and stomped over to Coriolanus. “There you are!” She said, returning that winning smile to her lips. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you, dear,” [Y/N] the pet name coming from her mouth made her nauseous. She grasped Coriolanus’ arm firmly. “And you got me a drink? You really are a dear, aren’t you?” She smiled and turned to her parents. Coriolanus felt tense beside her; she could feel it in the muscles in his arm.

Both her mother and father embraced her lovingly. “Oh, [Y/N], you look beautiful as ever.” Her mother said.

“Thank you,” [Y/N] said flatly, not returning the compliment. “If you’ll excuse us, there was someone else I wanted Coriolanus to meet. We’ll be back around soon. Love you!” She muttered, pulling Coriolanus away from her parents.

“Give me that.” She said, as soon as they were out of earshot, taking the glass of posca from Coriolanus.

“They’re…” he started in reference to her parents.

“Dreadful. I know,” [Y/N] heart felt broken. She didn’t even have a chance with Coriolanus without their humiliating influence. She didn’t want to dive into rationalizing his overheard conversation. So she just morosely stared down at the floor.

“They’re cruel to you,” he remarked as [Y/N] drank. “They told me I should work on breaking your spirit.”

[Y/N] took a long drink from her glass. “Are you going to? Break my spirit, I mean.”

“Haven’t decided,” Coriolanus replied. “Is tonight terrible so far for you?”

“Absolutely and unendingly.”

“Shame, since it’s supposed to be for us,” Coriolanus frowned. “Here’s what we’ll do. Drink up and we’ll dance. You told me you liked to dance once. Still true?”

“Uh, yes. You remember that?” The truth was that Coriolanus forgot very little.

“Too much talking, not enough drinking.” He replied, reaching out to tip the stem of her posca glass up, forcing the drink towards her lips.

“You’re a dick.” [Y/N] snapped. Her voice echoed from the round glass at her mouth.

“Never heard that one before.” Coriolanus said sarcastically.

A total of five empty posca glasses were settled on a cocktail table between them after about forty-five minutes of chatter and drinking. Coriolanus seemed looser than before, but focused as ever. The third glass, and the last half of Coriolanus’ second, had sent [Y/N] over the edge into drunkness, however.

“Dance with me now?” [Y/N] slurred slightly.

Coriolanus held his hand out as an affirmative response. She took it and he led her towards the dance floor. “FYI, I’m going to lead. You’re falling apart.” He leaned in to whisper teasingly as they approached the shiny wooden floor.

“If you’re shit at this, I reserve the right to take over as lead.”

“You have zero faith in me,” Coriolanus said, grabbing her too firmly in a waltz hold. She placed her hand on his broad shoulder. “Don’t think, just follow. I’ve got you.” He said, staring at her. Blue, blue, blue eyes, completely unreadable. Coriolanus sloppily led her around the dance floor, keeping the spins to a minimum. Sober, he was probably a fairly decent dancer. [Y/N] was reflexively a fine dancer as well, but a bit sloppier than normal. The thing that was actually holding back her dancing abilities, were the damn red heels. Her feet ached and she didn’t think she would be able to keep up with much more than a waltz in them.

The next song began after only half the length she had expected from a waltz, [Y/N]. It was a brisk foxtrot; all reliant on footwork. As Coriolanus led her into the first sidestep, [Y/N] kicked off her heels without missing a step. She harshly kicked them aside, sliding them to the edge of the dance floor. [Y/N] found she felt tiny now in front of Coriolanus. His smirk doubled at the sight as well. “Better?”

“Much. How about you shrink six inches next time so I don’t have to grow six inches. Seems fair to me.”

Coriolanus laughed cordially. His laugh turned into a sigh when he noticed [Y/N]’s lack of reply. “Are you angry with me?” He was aware that she usually was angry with him, he was asking specifically she to the conversation with her parents.

“Yes, why?”

“Because you’re being extremely rude.” Coriolanus said sharply.

“And?”

“No reason, just making conversation.”

Coriolanus couldn’t figure out what [Y/N] was looking at over his shoulder, but he didn’t care enough to ask. “Wanna make it up to me?” [Y/N] asked. “Posca wasn’t enough.”

“I’ll consider it. The terms?” He replied, spinning her through a tempo change.

“I want to make my parents hurt. I don’t live under their roof anymore. She’s been staring at me since I took my shoes off. See? I’m embarrassing her. And you know how big you owe me.”

This gave Coriolanus pause. Really, he didn’t owe her anything worth a damn. She was as bad to him as he was to her. “Why?”

“You said you could grant me opportunity. Grant me the opportunity of making her feel a fool for making me marry you, Coriolanus. I’m drunk. This offer is only going to work right now.”

“What’s in it for me?”

“Blowjob.”

“I have an idea,” Coriolanus said immediately. [Y/N] grinned. His job was having wicked, awful ideas, so it was nice when he delivered. “Do you trust me?”

“No.”

“By the end of tonight, you will,” Coriolanus grimaced. He rotated the pair of them on the dance floor so [Y/N]’s back was to them and he could keep eyes on her parents. “I’m going to touch you.” He whispered in her ear when the music shifted to something more akin to a rumba.

“What?”

In seconds, [Y/N] felt Coriolanus’ nose slide from where he had whispered in her ear and down her neck to above her pulse point. He planted one kiss to her throat. Coriolanus waited before kissing her again to make sure she didn’t throw him halfway across the event hall in rage first. After that, he felt he had the go-ahead to work more forcefully. Coriolanus sensually kissed hard up and down the right side of [Y/N]’s throat, while both of them tried to keep their fuzzy brains clear enough to keep dancing. He kept kissing and sucking at her neck until she let out a nice loud sound of pleasure. That was when he pulled away. He was happy to see a nice purple bruise starting to form on her exposed neck.

“How was that?” He asked dryly, trying to hold off a pending erection.

“You’re out of your mind. Do it again.”

“I’m pretty sure my boss is here, [Y/N]. That was… great, but unless there’s—“

“We got lectured our entire growing up at the Academy to make sure we were to be winners by any means necessary, Coriolanus. Push the envelope. It’s our night. We can do whatever we want. Let’s make it count, at least. With all these cameras here? You keep this up, and your face will be on every periodical in Panem.”

“Yeah, for terrible reasons!”

“Any press is good press and you know that. ‘TROUBLE IN THE ARENA?: GAMEMAKER’S FIANCÉE BREAKS DOWN AT PARTY,’” she said, showing a fictional headline example. “Below it, a nice picture of me crying and you dusting me off like a dutiful husband. Have your way with me and eventually I’ll snap and cry and accuse you of something you didn’t do, then you can ‘put me in place,’ so to speak. Control the fucking news cycle til everyone knows your name.”

[Y/N] could tell that Coriolanus had in fact agreed to gamble with his image when his hand slid down her back and grabbed her ass. His mouth ducked back into her neck as well, biting harder than [Y/N] expected. [Y/N] let out a painfully loud moan without meaning to.

“You want a show, let’s give ‘em a show.” He muttered against her skin. Coriolanus pulled his hips flush against his. The fabric of her ballgown being the only meaningful barrier between them. After a few moments, they had given up any chance at a rumba. Coriolanus stood over her, kissing her bruisingly hard anywhere we could reach.

“Coriolanus,” [Y/N] muttered. She gripped his shoulder tightly to steady herself. “Fuck, that feels good.”

Coriolanus took his hand out of the one that was clutching hers and slid it up to grab her face harshly between thumb and forefinger. “Can you shut up for a minute? I’ve let you run your mouth all day. It’s getting annoying,” He said, the mask of kindness slipping from his eyes. “You have had a complaint about everything. I put up with it, too. It’s getting… really,” Coriolanus’ hand gripped her ass harder over the ballgown. “Fucking annoying. You’re already making me do all this because I’m a dick. Stop being a brat. Please keep your mouth closed until I want it open, okay?”

He was holding her face so tightly that she couldn’t even nod. That’s when she saw the cameras start flashing, as Coriolanus gripped her by the face like a spoiled child and rubbed her ass in front of everyone she knew. “Yes.” She tried to mumble, but it came out squished.

“Great, then, we’re clear. Don’t think, just follow.” Coriolanus leaned forward and kissed her blazingly. That’s around the time [Y/N] could hear her mother in hysterics stomping to the bathroom. She sighed with relief, but also burned with humiliation. It felt like Coriolanus was practically trying to fuck her with her clothes on.

[Y/N] couldn’t believe this. This wasn’t brutally argumentative Snow, this wasn’t pseudo-gentle Snow. Who was this? What the fuck was he doing? Why did it feel good? [Y/N] felt a shiver tingle down her spine as he kissed her. Aggressively, she kissed back in an attempt at delivering that ruthlessness Coriolanus said he prized. He squashed that quickly and leaned her back, almost knocking her off her feet. She pulled back breathlessly.

[Y/N]’s eyes were darting around the room, watching everyone watching her. She was the show tonight. For the first time in her life, someone had made her the real center of attention that she always craved to me. Coriolanus granted her opportunity. It fucking worked. Her gaze shot back to Coriolanus, looking down at her possessively. He was mouthing something to her, but her intoxicated brain couldn’t signal her eyes to focus enough to piece together his words.

“What?” She whispered, leaning away from him.

More clearly this time, Coriolanus mouthed. “Hit. Me,” He leaned in close to her ear and whispered. “I told you. I’m leading; I have an idea.”

[Y/N] started to shake her head ‘no’ at her insane exhibitionist fiancé, but she remembered she was the one that had asked for a show. Without asking why, [Y/N] feigned disgust and stepped away from Coriolanus. She raised her hand and sharply slapped him across the face. This elicited gasps of shock from their guests. She could see a red mark beginning to develop on Coriolanus’ fair cheek.

Violence like this is what people in the Districts did. This was not what well-bred, promising youth from the Capitol did. The chatter in the room grew in the form of prying hushed whispers. The band stopped playing. This was not how beautiful young girls behaved at their engagement parties. [Y/N]’s stomach dropped. She looked angrily between her vile hand and the mark on Coriolanus’ face. Both of their expressions showed that she had hit him harder than they expected.

“How many men, [Y/N]?” Coriolanus asked, forcefully.

“What?” [Y/N] asked, shocked. She had no idea what he was talking about.

“How many men have had you behind my back?”

It was a fucking act. No truth to it at all. He wanted a rise out of her and so did the cameras. This was exactly what she had asked him, she didn’t realize how seriously he would take her.

[Y/N] sighed. She understood her role and she was going to play it perfectly. “One. Only one, I swear. None since you caught us in bed.” Lie. “Stop. We’re…” she glanced around, playing ashamed of the cameras. “We’re in public, Coriolanus. Please. Don’t cause a scene.” She said, parroting what he had said to her that morning.

That line did the trick. She saw the vein in his forehead pop out. “Don’t cause a scene? You struck me!” Coriolanus roared. “That’s unfair, and you know it.” The ghost of a smirk played on his lips while he clutched his face.

“You wouldn’t hear reason! The accusations you made of me, Coriolanus. You—You—“

Coriolanus surged forward and grabbed her by her forearms. “Accusations that are warranted. I don’t know how you expect me to trust you after something like that! Do you think I’m made of stone?”

“Yes!” [Y/N] yelled truthfully.

Coriolanus paused. “[Y/N], I hurt just as much as you do. You’re drunk. You’re not thinking straight,” He placated. “I just can’t stand to see how these men look at you like that, knowing you would trade me for them in a heartbeat.” He brought the tempo of their fight down with his false melancholy.

“Coriolanus…” [Y/N] said tentatively. “I wouldn’t… Not now. We’ve put that behind us. I-I’m yours and—“

“I made this whole night about you. I…” Coriolanus swallowed dramatically. “I love you.” Lie? “I love you, I spend all night trying to show you that I don’t want anyone but you. I try to make you feel special so you won’t stray again. And you, you hit me… I can’t do anything right enough for you.” He turned his face away, feigning hiding tears and released her arms.

Without the stabilizing touch of Coriolanus, [Y/N] was starting to feel uncertain on her feet from the alcohol. Far from gracefully, [Y/N] sank to the floor, her skirt fanning out around her as it had when she was searching for her shoe earlier that evening. From the drink, the tension and the state of her shambling life, [Y/N] let out an unexpected sob. Coriolanus turned his head in genuine surprise at the sound. “I’m sorry, my love,” she started through sniffles. “I’m sorry. Forgive me,” She looked up at him as her mascara began to drip down her cheeks. “Please forgive me. You have every right to leave, but please, Coriolanus, you’re all I have left.” That part was true. It was all gone. Her childhood home, the security of her parents, university and the Academy were behind her, taxing relationships with friends she had outgrown. Coriolanus was all that remained. [Y/N] cried harder. “I made a mistake.” She howled.

Coriolanus was impressed, to say the least. Cautiously, he knelt down in front of [Y/N]. He would remember this image of her for his whole life. With her mascara running, her stockings ripped, her shoes long missing, the top of her extravagant dress sliding too low for public consumption, she was divine, truthfully. That was her. That was how he would always want to remember her. “Darling?” He said quietly.

Now, the bastard was left open to play the dutiful savior, just as she had teased earlier.

[Y/N] started to twist the engagement ring off of her finger, theatrically. Coriolanus took her obvious bait and took her hand to stop her. He slid the ruby ring back down her finger calmly. “Darling, I’m not going anywhere. You’re drunk. You just need a little help, right? You mustn’t drink so much. It breaks my heart to see you like this,” Coriolanus squeezed her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly. “You need me. I’m not going anywhere. What kind of husband would that make me if I did?”

She nodded. “Thank you,” she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “You’re a good man, Coriolanus,” LIE. “You’re too good to me.”

“Come on,” Coriolanus rose from the floor and extended a hand to her. “Let’s get you home, huh?” He said condescendingly.

[Y/N] took his hand carefully. He pulled her up and she stumbled to her feet. Coriolanus wrapped an arm tightly around her waist and pulled her closer. He glanced around in surprise to address the crowd that had gathered in front of them. “I’m sorry for everything you just had to see. Please be kind to my fiancée; she’s had a lot to drink. Posca, right?” Coriolanus darkly attempted a somber joke. “I should’ve kept a closer eye on her. We’ll be getting home. Thank you all for coming out to celebrate us tonight.” Sorry to call it a night with so much night left.” He said softly.

Coriolanus led her to the edge of the dance floor where he had spotted her shoes. He grabbed the red shoes from the floor and carried them dangling from his free hand as he walked her to the door and down the stairs to the sidewalk. [Y/N] had a vague memory of Coriolanus summoning their driver via the valet at the door. She was too busy noticing how her stockings caught on the sidewalk with every step.

“Darling?” Coriolanus whispered, leaning down to whisper to her. “You were brilliant.”

“Really?” She sniffled hesitantly. “Because I’m fairly certain that everyone in that room hates me.”

“Any press is good press.” Coriolanus reminded her with a gentle kiss to the forehead.

“For you, maybe. I made a mistake asking for that…” she kicked at a stray stone on the sidewalk. “I am probably the biggest villain in Panem right now.” [Y/N] said, shaking her head a little with a sad laugh.

“Not a villain,” Coriolanus scoffed. “A star.”

PART II HERE

TAGLIST:

@badwicht @stelleduarte @cinnamongirl127 @prettyppetty @soulessien @bejeweledreverie @jjstyles @ndycrls @arminsarlerts @catlover420sstuff @chmpgneprblem @co1dmountains @watermelonharry @ohantonia @miscellaneousmoonchild @lille999 @pumkinnxsmut @nananarwhal @taykorsyogurt

sorry - some of them would not process and actually tag! i tried!!!!! non functional tags indicated with strikethru

#coriolanus snow x reader #coriolanus snow #the hunger games #hunger games #coriolanus snow imagine #coriolanus snow x you #coryo snow

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taeyongdoyoung · 22 days

Text

summary: your best friend brags complains that he can't get laid due to his huge dick posing a threat to random girls at parties, so you offer to fix his little big problem pairing: soobin x reader genre: smut, best friends to lovers warnings: explicit language, big dick soobin (canon event), size kink, foreplay, eating out, blowjob, hugging, fingering, size training, creampie, consensual intercourse, kissing, aftercare, allusions to death in a sexual context, lowkey possessive soobin at the end author's note: the killa is on my mind 24/7 and im down bad for soobin 25/8 🥵 so i had to get it out of my system somehow 🤷 word count: 2k

“You’re kidding, right?” you ask your best friend when he makes a rather shocking confession as the two of you are sitting in his bedroom after one of your usual anime marathons.

“I wish I was. But I would never lie to you,” Soobin responds truthfully. His big moist eyes look a 100% genuine but it still sounds so...bizarre.

“Let me get this straight…Every time you try to hook up with a girl at one of those parties Yeonjun keep dragging you to, you go to a room, eat them out like the generous, selfless guy you are, and then after you take off your pants, they get scared by your gigantic cock and refuse to have sex, running away in horror?”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to explain for the past 10 minutes, yeah,” Soobin confirms with a very adorable pout on his stupid face.

You shake your head in utter disbelief.

“I’m sorry but this is just ridiculous. Any girl would be happy to hook up with a guy that has a huge dick.”

“Well, I guess not any girl ‘cause this shit has happened three times already and I’m at my limit. Why can’t I just get laid?” Soobin bemoans his tragic destiny.

“No, I don’t get it. The least they could do is give you a quickie or something to return the favour. It’s so rude to just sprint away. I can’t believe your cock is that terrifying.”

“Ugh, please stop saying that. It’s so embarrassing,” Soobin covers his face behind his big hands. Hold on a minute…

“If what you’re saying is true, then I think it’s pretty hot. Those girls are surely missing out.”

“Or maybe they’re just looking after themselves. Like…I’m not mad at them for being spooked out, I just wish I could finally get some, you know?” Soobin sighs.

“Death by dick does seem appealing,” you shrug.

“Y/N!” he exclaims.

“Listen, what if I make you an offer? You prove to me that you weren’t exaggerating about your size and I promise I won’t run away and will take care of your…frustrations.”

“Are you seriously suggesting this?” Soobin freaks out. “This could ruin our friendship.”

“I won’t be weird about it, I swear. What do you say?”

“Fuck it. I’m so horny that this actually sounds like a good idea,” Soobin admits. “Can I eat you out first?”

“Erm, if you insist,” you reply, suddenly feeling nervous.

“I just wanna take care of you, make sure you’re all nice and wet for me,” Soobin explains patiently.

“You really don’t have to,” you reassure him.

“I know but it’d be awkward for me to just whip it out. Please?”

“Oh…okay,” you really can’t imagine saying no when he’s asking you so sweetly. God, what did you get yourself into?

Soobin takes off your leggings and panties in one swift movement and pushes you down gently on the bed so you are in a lying position. He spreads your thighs apart and looks at your pussy, already glistening with wetness caused by the conversation you’ve been having. Soobin smirks but doesn’t say anything about it. You’re grateful for that as he dives in, licking and kissing all over you. Fucking hell, if his tongue is capable of making you feel this way, you are slightly unnerved to find out what his cock can achieve. But unlike those girls at the parties, you are determined to never run away from your best friend.

Soon enough, you reach your high, overwhelmed by Soobin’s insane tongue movements and his big hands gripping your thighs. You need a few moments to gather your thoughts and when you are finally able to speak, those are the first words that leave your mouth:

“I think they fleed because you eat pussy like a starved animal. Seriously, what the hell was that?”

Soobin chuckles nervously and runs his fingers through his black hair, pushing it back and exposing his forehead for a bit.

“Trust me, it’s not that.”

“Prove it,” you challenge him even though you are fairly certain he’s telling the truth. Your best friend has never lied to you, so why start now?

Soobin takes off his pants, his hands are shaking and you immediately feel bad. You put your hand on his in an attempt to calm him down.

“Hey, you don’t have to if you feel uncomfortable.”

“I do want this, but after so many failed attempts, I’m so anxious…”

“I’m not going anywhere, Soobin,” you insist and squeeze his hand reassuringly.

His skin complexion looks slightly less pale and your words seem to give him the confidence he so desperately needs. Moment of truth. Soobin takes off his boxers and…Oh damn, he was not exaggerating. He’s not just big, he’s so huge a part of you wonders how is it humanly possible to carry such a weapon around and maintain the gentle, humble composure with which Soobin carries himself.

“You’re not running yet,” he jokes.

“Soob?”

“Y-yeah?” his voice cracks, he is obviously terrified of what you’re going to say.

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I finally get why these girls ran away.”

“Oh,” he sounds a little dejected, as if already expecting you to go back on your offer.

“But! That’s not gonna stop me. Just tell me what you want first and I’ll try my best to make you happy.”

“Huh?” Soobin is too flustered to process your words.

“My hands, my mouth, or my pussy, what do you want first?”

“You mean…you’re willing to give me all of them?” he blinks in shock.

This poor, precious boy. Did he really face disappointment so many times that he is now looking a gift horse in the mouth with such uncertainty?

“Just pick, Soobie, I promise I’ll give you anything you need.”

“Um…can you suck me off? Please?”

Gosh, he’s so adorable you want to eat him.

You nod a little too enthusiastically and go down on your knees, taking as much of his cock as you can. It’s a tight fit but what you can’t put inside your mouth you make up for by wrapping your hands around him. You suck and lick and touch him, eager to give him as much pleasure as he did you. Your beloved best friend has obviously been frustrated for a while now because it doesn’t take him long to cum inside your mouth. There is so much you can’t manage to swallow it all despite your valiant efforts and you see some of it falling down your cheeks. You wipe it off with a finger, sticking it into your mouth, grinning widely at Soobin.

“Fuck, you’re incredible. What…how…are you okay?”

He presses his big palm against your cheek and it takes a lot of self-control for you to not melt right there and then.

“I’m great. Did…did it feel good for you?” you ask sheepishly.

You’re not particularly confident about your skills but you genuinely did your best for him.

“Are you crazy? It felt insanely good,” Soobin takes your hand, lifting you up and wrapping his arms around you in a hug.

“I’m glad,” you respond, feeling safer and warmer than ever before in your life.

“Do…you still want to…you know?” Soobin asks.

“If you’re asking whether you can put your cock inside my pussy, then yeah, go for it. As long as it’s something you want, of course.”

You keep reminding him to only do things he’s completely okay with, because you would hate to put your best friend in a situation he doesn’t enjoy just because of your greed.

“I want you so bad, you have no idea. But I think I’ll need to stretch you out a bit, yeah?”

“O-okay,” you quickly agree and in no time, Soobin’s long fingers are inside of your pussy, going deeper than your own have ever been and making you feel things you never even dreamed about.

“How does it feel?” Soobin asks in concern.

“Heavenly,” you admit and just as you’re about to reach your second orgasm, Soobin’s fingers leave you.

“N-no, why’d you do that?” you whine frustratedly.

“Wanna feel you come around my cock.”

As it turns out, you'd like this just as much so you quickly forgive him for ruining your orgasm.

“I think I have a condom in my-“ Soobin starts but you cut him off.

“I’m taking a pill. And I believe we’re both clean, so…”

“You gon’ let me fuck you raw?” Soobin inquires, not wanting to make assumptions.

“Yeah, I trust you,” you reply with conviction.

“You’re a dream,” Soobin chuckles and nudges the head of his cock against your moist entrance. You brace yourself for some level of discomfort and are surprised that it doesn’t come right away. Soobin takes his sweet time getting inside you, making sure you’re okay.

“Fuck, Soob, you're so big,” you moan, already feeling overstimulated.

“This is just the tip, baby,” he explains shyly, which makes you lose your mind.

Soobin goes deeper very slowly, making you feel every inch, stretching you out bit by bit.

“How much more?” you ask somewhat impatiently.

“Just a little bit. Can’t help it that your pussy is so tiny,” he teases you.

“Not my fault your dick is so gigantic,” you bite right back.

“I promise, I'll try my best not to split you in half,” Soobin jokes, which does little to ease your worries, but at the same time only makes you wetter.

“Keep talking to me,” you plead for him.

“Does it hurt?” he wants to know, as he keeps entering you further.

“It’s a good kind of hurt,” you explain, wincing slightly.

Once you’ve gotten used to it, you signal to Soobin that he can start moving and he does just that, fucking into you with an impressive speed. You try to meet him halfway, lifting your hips up for him, melting into one.

“You’re taking it so well, my darling best friend,” Soobin praises you relentlessly.

“Anything for you, Soobie,” you cry out in sweet bliss.

“I’m close,” Soobin confesses soon enough.

“Fill me up,” you beg him, almost in a daze, deeply affected by his overpowering presence.

He doesn’t need to be asked twice and spills his seed inside of you. It feels so good that you cum with him, walls clenching around his enormous dick. Soobin leans down to kiss you, further blurring the lines between friendship and…whatever this is.

Then, he takes his cock out and you realize something far more terrifying than his intimidating size - you are falling in love with your best friend.

Soobin quickly brings a towel and a bottle of water, taking care of you like no one else before. You want to cry, touched by his sweetness and falling even further.

“How do you feel?” Soobin brushes a piece of hair behind your ear.

“I feel…like I'm on another planet,” you confess shakily.

Soobin chuckles, visibly relieved to hear that.

“You’re so cute,” he murmurs, enveloping you in a hug. His large frame towers over you and if it was anyone else, you’d probably feel slightly threatened. But this is Soobin, and even though he just fucked your brains out, you feel completely safe and protected. Safe enough to be honest about how you feel.

“I know I promised not to be weird about it but…I don’t think I can go back to being friends.”

Soobin pales for a moment, scared of losing you.

“Why not?” he blinks, barely restraining his tears.

“I wanna belong to you,” you try to ease his worries by openly saying what your heart and soul desire.

“Oh…But baby, you already do,” Soobin suddenly beams with excitement. “And I belong to you, too.”

“I think you killed me a little,” you laugh. “Killed my pussy with your big cock and ruined me for other men.”

Soobin raises an eyebrow.

“Bold of you to assume that I’d let other men near your pussy. You’re all mine now.”

The End

#txt #soobin #txt smut #txt hard thoughts #txt hard hours #size k!nk #soobin x reader #soobin smut #soobin hard thoughts #soobin hard hours #txt imagines #soobin imagines #writing

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cat3ch1sm · 4 months

Note

hihi! i saw ur requests were open and i was wondering if u could do killua and gon with a reader whos a silly, clumsy, and kinda dumb mf <3

except readers very powerful, on level or even more than them bc reader is a boss fr 🙏

this can be hcs or a oneshot or whatever u want!

(SORRY IF THIS MAKES NO SENSE LMFAO)

☘️~ DW POOKIE I UNDERSTOOD U PERFECTLY!! thanks 4 requestingg ily <33

gn!reader

𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐚 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐨𝐧 𝐰 𝐚 𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐦𝐬𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 <𝟑

୨⎯ 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐚 ⎯୧

killua usually doesn’t have a lot of patience for people with your personality , but he’s honestly seen what you’re actually capable of so he’s more like.. weirded out

as in like, killua knows you’re crazy powerful and generally super capable- so how the hell do you literally manage to trip over every minor obstacle in your path

but tbh gon has kinda warmed him up to those kinds of people. outside of battle situations it’s basically him making sure you and gon don’t get kidnapped or killed or something

and the contrast between your personality during battle and your personality on just a regular day chilling with him and gon is like insane to him. one minute you’re covered in blood and utilizing blazing nen in ways he didn’t even realize were possible, and next you’ve pulled up like a really stupid meme or picture of a cat on your phone and just giggling like an idiot while showing him (and very much still bloodied).

killua asked you about it once and you just kinda gave him that thousand yard stare and he was just like… nvm

apparently your higher functions just shut off after a certain time 😭😭

but back to the clumsy part. because it’s genuinely insane how careless you can be on a daily basis. worse than gon.

“watch out for the fucking pole, y/n!”

“are you even paying attention?”

“what the hell did you even just trip over, you dumbass? there’s nothing even there.”

“holy shit can you be careful for once??”

“I literally watched you take down 10 chimera ants without breaking a sweat and you can’t even pull a push door, you idiot?”

“no, i’m not letting go of your arm because that’s the tenth time you’ve tripped in the past fifteen minutes. you’ll probably kill yourself if i don’t hold your ass up.”

“way to go, dumbass, now you cut your leg. maybe you’ll be less stupid next time” (while begrudgingly fixing you up)

along with being clumsy you can be super absent-minded and get distracted easily. like gon and killua will just be walking and talking and then suddenly stop and realize you stopped like ten feet ago to stare at absolutely fucking nothing.

when they backtrack to get you they’ll be like “wtf are you staring at” and you’ll just snap out of a daze and they’ll realize you weren’t even staring at anything in particular, you just…zoned out😭😭😭

“y/n. y/n? hellooooo? ugh… nevermind.”

⇢ ˗ˏˋ 𝐠𝐨𝐧 ࿐ྂ

we all know gon isn’t actually the silly, slightly air headed kid from the early days of hxh, obviously- but when he’s just with you and killua and there isn’t any danger, you both basically act the same way. believe me yall got killua stressinggg 😭😭

u guys just fuel each others’ silly antics. and while he isn’t as clumsy as you can be, when u guys are together you guys r genuinely a two man wrecking team. you guys are constantly doing silly and sometimes stupid stuff and not at all focusing.

far too many times you both have been walking or running beside each other and just stumbled over each other’s feet and fell to the ground like actual idiots.

you and gon both have the same tendency to get distracted easily. so basically the same scenario from killua’s hcs but you and gon lmfao

he’ll be walking looking at his phone or something and realize the both of you aren’t even beside him anymore.

“y/n? gon? where… you gotta be kidding me. guys. what the hell are you even looking at?!”

little Christmas head canon- you guys absolutely knocked down the tree at least twice.

#anime #hxh headcanons #hxh memes #hunter x hunter #gon x reader #reader x gon #gon freecss headcanons #gon freecss #killua zoldyck x you #reader x killua zoldyck #killua x you #reader x killua #killua zoldyck x reader #killua hc #killua headcanons #killua x reader #killua hxh #killugon #reader x gon free as

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soulprompts · 8 months

Text

THE SURPRISING HERO ( A PROMPT LIST! )

hello my beloveds!!! an absolutely incredible nonnie sent in a request for prompts based on the idea of someone becoming a vital part of saving the world through unanticipated events, and i hope i managed to achieve what they wanted in this list! basically i got a tonne of inspiration from comic book movies and the more fantastical vibes of high fantasy franchises, and i was going to make these more amusing, but i think there's something so hard-hitting about the concept of being thrust into greatness and heroism when you feel you aren't ready for it! anyway! enjoy, and as always: DO NOT ADD TO OR EDIT THIS LIST, AND DO NOT CLAIM AS YOUR OWN!

FROM THE UNEXPECTED HERO:

“ i’m not supposed to be here. i’m not like the rest of you; i’m not special, or blessed, or gifted. i’m just… me. “

“ you’ve got to be joking! i can’t save the world! i’m just an ordinary person! “

“ it’s funny. all these years, i’ve wanted so badly to see the world. now… i think i’ve never wanted anything so much as to go back home. “

“ so that’s it, then? i’m just supposed to sacrifice everything to save the world, all because some ancient prophecy says so? “

“ i still can’t quite believe we were doing laundry yesterday. now our biggest chore is traveling across the world to save it. “

“ i miss home. i miss how safe and boring and fine it all was. i never would’ve wanted adventures if i thought they’d be as scary and dangerous as this. “

“ they’re right to be angry, you know. everyone has a purpose here; i’m only joining you all because of some insane twist of fate. “

“ surprised? don’t worry, so was i. i don’t think it’s a normal occurrence for people like me to be part of massive quests like this. “

“ look. i’m not the chosen one, alright? i don’t want any part in any prophecy or ancient dictation. i just want to live an ordinary, safe, boring life. “

“ you think i don’t acknowledge what’s happening?! every mistake i make has costs, and those costs are often the lives of innocent people! “

“ you know, last year my idea of a grand adventure was going up the mountains for a picnic with my friends. funny how fast things change, isn’t it? “

“ i’m not a hero! i don’t know how to fight! heroes are special and unique and trained, and i’m none of those things. “

“ everyone looks at me like i’ve got the answers, but i don’t. i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. “

“ you ever stop to question the solidity of this prophecy? because if the wording is that vague that it could name me as the savior of the world, then maybe we ought to revise it. “

“ this is stupid! putting the fate of the universe on some million-year-old prophecy! “

“ i’m not what you think i am. i’m not a hero. i’m sorry, i know you want me to be one, but… i’m just not. “

“ so you’re telling me, because i happened to overhear some weird out of context conversation, that the safety of the world relies entirely on me? “

“ don’t you see how daft this whole thing is?! i’ve got to save the world now because i happened to take a wrong turn on my way home! “

“ why can’t i just give you guys what i found, and you can go and rescue the world yourselves? “

“ i want to clarify that i’m not a coward. okay? i’m not running away from this. but i’m not exactly save-the-world material. so thank you for the opportunity, but… i think i’ll stay at home. “

TO THE UNEXPECTED HERO:

“ i get it, you know. it’s a huge responsibility for someone who’s only just realized what’s at stake. “

“ the others think i’m utterly mad for even considering you for this task. but the fact is, you’re the only person i genuinely believe to be capable of fixing this mess. “

“ would you like to know the mark of a true hero? it’s courage. not an absence of fear, not an ignorance of it, but rather, the choice to persevere in spite of it. you’re still here. that makes you one of the bravest people on the planet. “

“ don’t let anyone else tell you what you are and aren’t capable of. everything happens for a reason, and it wasn’t dumb luck that put you in our path. “

“ i don’t believe in prophecies, personally. i think the universe is far too chaotic for them to survive thousands of years. but i do believe that you being here is not a coincidence. “

“ fate only accounts for part of what happens in our lives. the rest of it is all choices. and despite how scared and inexperienced you are… you’ve chosen to stay. that tells me an awful lot about you. “

“ how selfish can you be?! running away from this destiny, this task! the world will fall into darkness if you don’t step up, and here you are, hiding from your fate like a coward! “

“ you need to learn to ignore the opinions of others if you’re going to stand a chance at doing this. this is the cost of being a hero. people will judge, not based on truth, but on a limited perspective. “

“ don’t be stupid. we’re not special or talented either; i was trained from childhood, i can fight men twice my size, but that’s not the mark of a hero. “

“ if you like, i could teach you how to fight? you may find it useful. even if it’s just to comfort yourself against these ridiculous self-doubts. “

“ heroes aren’t always massive muscle types. the inventor of new defense measures against attacks, or someone who discovered a cure for a disease, or perhaps someone clever enough to use new fuel sources in the winter… heroism isn’t always found in warzones, you know. “

“ fine. don’t do it for the fate of the world. do it for your family. your friends. do it for the ones you’ll return to once we settle this for good. save this world, not for the world itself, but for the ones you love, so that they may live on. “

“ you should know some things. most people, if you somehow perform outside of the very specific expectations they have for you, will be very quick and harsh in their judgment. it’s not something one can avoid. but you can learn to rise above those critics. remember. they don’t know the real you. “

" fear is normal. okay? we all fear things. the real killer is when you try to fight that fear. you're no lesser a hero for fearing things. expect it. accept it. embrace it. and once it's with you, work with it to fight even more. "

" you keep saying you're not a hero. tell me. what exactly is it that you believe a hero to be? "

" people make the error of assuming heroes to be golden, flawless, immaculate in both thought and strategy. it's never the case. heroes are the most flawed of all. that's what makes us admire them so. "

#rp meme #roleplay meme #sentence starters #ask meme #writing prompts #roleplay prompts #rp prompt

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disruptivevoib · 2 months

Note

I fell asleep immediately after I asked you about Vis, but if you’re ever still in the mood…

Pleasspleasepleaseplease talk about Ennui I’d love to hear about him- I’m very (not) normal about your guys /pos

-🛩️

Ennui is DOOMED BY THE NARRATIVE. He's the Mind as the Heart and though he doesn't know it, its why he has such a deep struggle and disconnection with his emotions. They cause him more pain than he considers it worth.

Ramble under the cut!

But. I guess before that notion, Ennui is someone who is stubborn, a bit petty and initially very argumentative. Something as their loop comes to an end, phases out of him in respect for Viscera's dislike of conflict over communication.

Ennui does try to stab Judge occasionally. Judge is physically far stronger though and thusly makes it a point to usually turn that back on Ennui.

Ennui is very creative though. He has an affinity for organized charts, the piano and acrylic painting. However the emotions that come with being Heart are overwhelming and uncomfortable to him. He thinks of himself as fairly useless for a set of emotions if he cannot control them.

Which comes to his...allegory for self sabotage and ultimately, harm. In a way. In which Ennui tears or cuts off the strings of emotion that come from his source, which is the little jaggedly shaped blue heart he has.

Like any Mind, his reasoning and his motives are... All he is going to listen to. So, if to fix this malfunction of his ability to control himself he has to render his emotions useless, he will do that.

And typically, even after he is finished fighting with Judge, he continues this behavior. Its a high point of tension between them because Judge and Viscera both explain to him in numerous ways that this is not an answer, and that they can help him learn to manage the overwhelming feed.

Ennui never listens. And thus his name meaning dissatisfaction is only ever apt. He is insatiably searching for a fix on his own. Independently. And it is worse for him because Mind, Judge, does not do this. Ofc Judge has his own issues. Mainly anger and social avoidance or communicative avoidance but. He isn't so flawed that he has to do this. Ennui is envious of that, deeply.

Eventually, he tears away at himself so much there is nothing left. Typically a loop can end before it gets to that point but occasionally, and especially should Astray choose to remember, he becomes desperately apathetic and numb. Only then, is he actually scared or capable of accepting his mistakes or faults. Only after he has fundamentally screwed himself over. And hurt his Soul and Mind in the process. Their overall well being.

Which pushes him to keep what little emotion he has left over. His source stutters in its stunted state, always longing to be what it was and more than it can be now. It makes him try more, and though he doesn't believe he'll ever be or do enough to make up for it, Ennui persists on.

Of course.. this. Need to make it up to them comes from his envy of Judge and respect for Viscera. He's failed himself and the parts of himself that tried to help every step of the way.

Neither of them is cruel or unkind. Judge is harsh, and has certainly fed into certain beliefs Ennui has, but he still considers Ennui his closest friends. And furthermore is proud of him for continuing to try and coming out the otherside..not unscathed, but as alright as he could've been.

Vis and Judge both hold their own guilt over the inability to ever prevent Ennui's behavior. Viscera more so in the fact that despite remembering every loop, nothing has ever worked to stop Ennui. But he cherishes his Heart for who he still is. Which is very driven and very charismatic too.

Ennui post everything is far more easy going. He tries to be a bit of an everyman and is.. very good at making friends with pretty lonely or stand-offish folks like himself. More so in the chatroom rp. But, suppose he does run the day to day life for them too. Vis and Judge are a bit too, guess, invested in being in their own head to do that? More invested in the Psyche ig. Mental maintenance.

#voidthoughts #asks #swap au #ennui swap au #judge swap au #viscera swap au #:)#theres an alternative version of them where Vis hops universes for a second and when he comes back they've all swapped back #and.. ennui there is.#entirely void of anything.#sort of..#renamed himself ego though so the loathing is clearly still in there.

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senseofmonachopsis · 5 months

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i hate that hating men got linked to female homosexuality because it makes no senae to me. most lesbians i know have great relationships with their brothers and dads and tend to have a lot of male friends if they’re masculinr/butch themselves. i basically grew up with only male friends (now my friend group is mixed) because straight girls made me feel like an ugly freak for not being feminine, and i met far more guys at all my hobbies.

now people act like every lesbian has an all female friend group. where was i supposed to get that when every girl when i was growing up wanted to focus solely on boys and looking cute (make up fashion etc)?? my feminine les friends do have the experience of growing up with tons of female friends.

yeah everyone’s aware of the violence stats and all that but at the end of the day most straight women make me feel like i’m a third gender and most straight guys act normal towards me. even those separatists types only like homosexual women if we are ‘useful’ aka if we are going to protect them and fix things and basically act like the garagist/plumber/electrician + we then also have to pretend we believe breasts are unsexual devices to feed kids and never express any raunchy interest in ofher women.

idk man i cannot hate men because that’s 95% of my coworkers.

I agree 100%.

Lesbians can and do have meaningful relationships with men. Our lack of attraction to them doesn't prevent or hinder this.

I'm really close to my little brother, more than everyone else I know. A world without him - the kind of world some women seriously or unseriously talk about wanting - is one I don't want to live in.

I work in a female-dominated field, but also have a lot of male coworkers that I enjoy working with. Every single one I have told that I'm a lesbian was so chill about it. Meanwhile some straight women started making comments that showed ignorance and thinly veiled homophobia. And yeah, my conversations with other non-homosexual women often reveal how different we are/ how differently they see me (even with me not being butch/stud). I had mostly female friends growing up, but well... take a look at the pinned post on my blog explaining my username to get an idea of how that turned out.

Both men and women are capable of doing right and wrong. I don't go around judging individuals on anything but their words and actions.

If that makes me seem like a traitor to my sex according to feminists, then so be it. I don't care.

#ask

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mandana-the-service-pup · 1 year

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You guys. My blood pressure has been incredibly normal for 5 days. And I can hardly believe it but my heart rate hasn’t gone above 120s at all in the last couple days. I still have a lot of symptoms like fatigue, pain, etc but I’m so bewildered. I literally just woke up one day w/o POTS like what?!

Average Day VS Today

Over the last yr my daily average max HR has increased from 130-150s to 170-190s. In October & December I had three separate episodes that felt like a heart attack but ekg didn’t show a heart attack. Blood pressure has been 140/90 (daily high) with a max measured at 197/96. Then I just wake up one day and my heart rate is 50-120s and my blood pressure is consistently 110s/80s and it’s not show any signs of getting worse?!?!

Here is my current theory:

Back in like 2018 I was really struggling with a lot of things. Besides HR problems I was having issues with nocturia (TMI // waking up multiple times to pee at night). My dr at the time put me on fludrocortisone. It helped retain some of my blood volume which slightly improved some of my POTS symptoms and stopped the nocturia. I completely forgot I even had that symptom until October of this year when a Cardiologist took me off the fludrocortisone. Besides worsening my typical symptoms, the nocturnia immediately came back and no amount of management was helping.

On Jan 14th? 2023 I decided to use my service dogs red laser therapy jacket (Spectra Laser Therapy XL jacket) to help with my back pain. Long story short the vet recommended red laser therapy for a muscle strain in Mandanas back and it has helped her immensely. I thought maybe my EDS was causing my lower back to hurt at night, so on a whim I decided to sleep on top of the laser jacket (low lvl laser with programmed intervals meant to be used for hours at a time) to see if it would help. Not only did it help the back pain which I had expected but since that first night of using it the nocturia has been completely gone. I’ve been able to go 2-3 days without using it without the nocturia coming back and it seems like the more days I use it the more permanent the results are becoming and the longer I can go between uses. I’ve been using it on & off for two weeks and five days ago I noticed my blood pressure & heart rate have started to stabilize.

The tricky part is that due to a ruptured fibroid that could have caused the heart crisis in Oct-Dec I had to go on birth control (Slynd) to try to get my bleeding under control. I was on it for a couple months and just stopped taking it. I didn’t see any change in my blood pressure or heart rate when I started Slynd so I don’t know why stopping it would suddenly fix everything but I wanted to mention this bc I stopped taking it after the nocturnia was solved but about the time the blood pressure & heart rate got better. Because there are multiple variables I have no way of knowing if it’s the red laser therapy that has helped or if its some how related to the short course of birth control.

I’m not trying to claim some magical cure, but y’all have watched me struggle every day for almost three years on Tumblr. I cannot ignore this sudden turn of events simply bc it’s too unbelievable. I’ll keep posting updates as they come. I’m afraid to get my hopes up but this proves my body is capable of functioning normally and that is incredibly encouraging.

Also, when I first got my diagnosis of POTS years ago I was told by the specialist that sometimes people just wake up cured and we have no idea why. It sounds like a fairytale but after the week I’ve had I’m beginning to believe it might be real.

#dysautonomia #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #ehlers danlos syndrome #hashimotosthyroiditis #gastroparesis #mast cell activation syndrome #chronic illness community #disabled community

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nirikeehan · 5 months

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word search game!!

YAY IT'S MY FAVORITE MEME. Thank you @theluckywizard for the tag! The words she gave me to search my fics for are CRACK, GRAZE, and HARSH.

Crack: From one of my Kirkwall Kops (Cullen & Samson working together as Templars) fics, The Greater Good — Cullen has been subdued by a runaway mage, and is powerless to stop whatever the apostate, Danyel, and Samson do next.

Above him, Samson and Danyel circled each other. Samson had his sword sheathed, his hands in the air. “Listen, Dany. Listen. It’s not too late. I know a guy, all right? I can get you in touch with him. He can get you out of the city. I just need you to calm down. Just calm down, and you and I can walk out of here, forget this ever happened.” They’re leaving you. Leaving you to die. The voice slithered through Cullen’s mind, and it sounded so much like Uldred’s that he began to shake. That’s what everyone does to you in the end. Samson had his arm around Danyel. “Hey, look. Where’s your staff?” The boy turned, searching for the fallen weapon. Cullen coughed, gasping for air. Samson looked up, his deadpan grey eyes meeting Cullen’s own. Samson inhaled once; without breaking Cullen’s gaze, he raised his mailed fist and slammed it against the back of the boy’s head. With a sickening crack, Danyel crumpled to the floor, unconscious. I love this bit because it really casts Samson in moral shadow — was he planning to help Danyel escape and had a change of heart, or was he deceiving the boy from the start and always meant to help Cullen? Plus what he does to incapacitate poor Danyel really is quite brutal. I wince every time I read it.

Graze: ahahahahah the closest I could find is "grazed" and uh. Well I've gone to an unpublished Thalia x Samson chapter for Through a Glass, Darkly that I pull out and work on when I'm feeling especially feral.

Thalia set to work unraveling the multiple braids she had plaited into her hair this morning. At last she shook it all out, so that her auburn hair hung in heavy waves about her shoulders and down her back. A stray strand fell across her face. Samson leaned forward, brushing it aside. His fingers grazed her cheek, rough and calloused and raw. Nails bit down to the quick, with dirt and who knew what else caked beneath them. Thalia shuddered. “I’m not a complete monster, you know,” he murmured. “I’d prefer you enjoy yourself, too.” Something in Thalia’s chest twisted painfully. “I don’t see how that will be possible.” Ahahahahah if you have to assure a woman you're not a complete monster, I think you're doing it wrong. There's a gentleness to him in this scene that sets my teeth on edge. I want to believe he's capable of genuine tenderness, but there's always this threat of violence simmering under the surface.

Harsh: A long ago DADWC fill envisioning a post-Trespasser reunion between Thom Rainier and Sera. This was the first time I conceived of Thom starting an ex-con merc company, I think.

“Well, well,” he said, “look what the cat dragged in, eh?” “Oi, Beardy!” Sera leapt clear over the desk and crushed him in a hug. “You know how long it took me to get here? Fucking tit.” Thom returned the embrace. She was easily a foot shorter and about a third of his width, but he was vaguely concerned she’d crack a rib if she squeezed any tighter. “It’s good to see you, too.” Sera released him and perched on the edge of his desk, kicking her feet in the air as she looked around. “Hell of a place you’ve got here, innit? Fixed yourself up real good.” “It’s had its ups and downs.” The success, though easily measurable by any metric, had left him with a sort of hollowness, though it was difficult to articulate why. Most jobs were clean and easy; the ones too messy or morally questionable he refused by default. He was doing good work out there, he knew it. He did not like to dwell on why it never felt like enough. Thom leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms.“Sera, why exactly have you come?” She let out an indignant huff. “What, can’t a girl go see her oaf-y old friend? I mean it — like, old. You’ve got grey in your beard now! Huh.” “Time is a harsh mistress.” Thom resisted the urge to run his fingers through the offending facial hair. “But that’s not really why you’re here, is it?” This is a world where Thom is thriving, but things never quite feel right. Thalia has married Cullen, and the tension between her and Thom never got resolved. I was low key envisioning a longer story where they reunite over the growing threat from Solas and the love triangle rears its head again, but I have a strict rule never to predict future canon, so I ended up leaving things pretty vague.

Thank you, this is always fun to do!

I am going to tag @oxygenforthewicked | @monocytogenes | @delicatefade | @ammoniteflesh | @bluewren if you would like to play! Your words to search are PLAYER, SIP, and FAVOR.

#word search game #meme

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rangerdrabbles · 1 year

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Timelines

A sequel to “An Officer and a Psycho” posted sometime back. Wes is best, but every so often, I like to write about Alex for funsies. Mentions of Back to the Future crossover goodness, and my canon-divergent SPD A Squad Charlie.

“You’re back!” Alex Drake stood up when he saw that it was Virgie that had entered the room.

Virgie didn’t have the heart to remind him that she’d technically only been gone five minutes-that was the benefit of time travel. She understood why he’d worried, though, even if her memories of the matter weren’t entirely intact. “Yep,” she said instead, and hugged him. “Boy, do I have a story for you.”

“Oh?” Alex hugged her back and frowned in concern before letting her go and gesturing for her to sit down. “You didn’t run into any trouble, did you?”

“No actually. And even if we did, Wes could probably charm his way out of a snake’s den. Eric says he’s the kind of guy who grows on you-like a fungus.

At the mention of Wes, Alex made a face, which caused Virgie to laugh.

“You know Wes makes the same face when I mention you, right?”

Alex sighed and rubbed his temples, but managed a small smile nonetheless. He couldn’t be irritated at Virgie-not ever. Not after all they’d been through. “Well?”

“I know you warned me timelines could be complicated, but this is a good one,” Virgie said. “You know that movie trilogy from the 20th century called Back to the Future? Well, turns out in this timeline, it’s true.”

“It’s-no, that can’t be right. I would’ve read about it somewhere.”

“Alex, there are multiple timelines-you can’t be expected to read everything. And besides, if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles can show up in an In Space timeline, Back to the Future can be real. Can we time travel to that timeline to see the look on Andros’ face?”

“Virgie!”

“Kidding, kidding.” Virgie leaned up to give Alex a kiss on the cheek before continuing. “Well, everything that happened in the movies happened. Emmet Brown invented the time machine sometime around 1985, Travels were made to 1955, 2015, and 1885 respectively, with Emmet himself settling in 1885 in spite of being born in the 20th century.”

“He can’t just-” Alex sighed in frustration. “And how is it that this only showed up as a minor blip on our systems rather than-”

“I think we’ve both learned that nothing in time is as certain as we might believe,” Virgie replied. “That being said, things still need to be monitored so there isn’t absolute chaos. As for why it only showed up as a minor blip, I’m not entirely certain. The time machine, originally a DeLorean but later a train, was manmade invention kept secret except to a small few.”

“But surely with someone just traveling through time at will would’ve created some sort of alarm on our radar,” Alex mused.

“According to our data, there were at least two instances of timeline skewing that would have had a major impact, but apparently they were fixed before our agents could be dispatched.”

Alex paused, processing all this information. “So how does this lead to 2025?”

“Well, when Wes and I arrived, we headed straight for SPD headquarters, figuring that was the best place to start for information. After some time speaking with Commander Crueger, we were able to trace the source to A Squad Red Ranger Charlotte ‘call me Charlie or else’ Clayton Brown.”

“Let me guess, a descendant of Emmet Brown?” Alex rubbed his temples again. “Time travel isn’t for personal gain, it’s-gah!” He’d loosened up a bit since working with Wes and the other Time Force rangers, but Alex was still...Alex.

“She has a watch with time travel capabilities. And yes, she’s aware of what could happen if it falls into the wrong hands,” Virgie continued. “Apparently she’s used it to visit relatives a couple of times-”

“WHAT?”

“-and thwart certain catastrophes. I have a feeling that the other blip from 2025 that was unsolved has to do with her-something rippled slightly on the day the Dino Thunder rangers accidentally traveled to the future. Their memories should have been erased of the day. Oddly enough though, they’re A-squad rangers alongside Charlie. I think maybe Charlie was trying to prevent something horrible. The timeline itself wasn’t impacted too much from it, however.

Alex sat in silence for a moment, then frowned in thought. “What do you recommend?”

“Monitor the situation, and nothing more. If this is a family that creates minor changes at best and fixes the worst, I don’t think we have much to worry about. We might need to step in someday, but not today.”

“Very well; sounds good to me. Thanks for checking it out.”

“Thanks for letting me go. Though I still think it would be fun if you and I went to the Library of Alexandria or something. And don’t you dare give me that look.”

Alex laughed,forgetting the mini-lecture he was going to give. “We’ll talk.”

“Is that a maybe?”

“That’s a ‘we’ll talk.’“

#power rangers time force #alex drake #wes collins #virgie #power ranger spd #back to the future

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miaxsujin · 2 years

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. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ not left behind

a calloused hand laid atop warm sunset hair, a comforting gesture for a daughter in distress. “jin-ah, this change only brings new beginnings,” he reminded her, as well as himself. it didn’t seem that long ago that he was being told those words by someone else, the loss of yet another home behind him.

seo hyunshik is a good father. at the very least, he tries his hardest to be. though he may not fully believe the words he is repeating to his daughter, he knows it’s what he should say. That’s the way it seems anyway when that’s what everyone else says when faced with a change.

“but i…” though no longer small herself, the words were coming from his little girl once again, “i don’t want to leave mama.”

suddenly, he is reminded of wild hair and the soft smell of the ocean that lasted even though the shore was no longer in reach. the kindness of open arms and unwavering backup and raspberry jam.

“i swear, the scope is off! it hit the ground when i had to engage and now i can’t hit any of my targets. and i. don’t. miss.” she punctuated her final words with frustrated jabs at the table she was standing over.

“you’re very confident in that considering i can’t find a single thing wrong with this weapon, agent,” fired back the equally frustrated technical agent. soohee had been pestering the guy endlessly for almost three days now despite his insistence there was nothing wrong. “i would once again suggest, if you are so unhappy with the state of this gun, to simply select a new one. i assure you, we have plenty in our arsenal.”

“it’s not that simple! my team’s lives are laid in my hands out there and i don’t have the time to fully break in a completely new weapon with grip and scope and weight, it will take ages! i’ve been using this gun since i started sniping, probably longer than you’ve even been here!” agent paradise was relentless, and would not allow any of her team members to die at the hands of (in her opinion) a clearly incompetent technical agent.

“in that case, it’s likely outdated anyway–”

“don’t you say that about her, she is perfectly capable!” she cut him off, the argument devolving even further into shouts and pointing fingers.

“are you having a problem over here, agent velocity?” hyunshik, all fiery hair and broad shoulders, finally interjected.

the red-faced agent opened his mouth to respond, but soohee cut in anyway, despite not exactly being addressed. “good afternoon, i’m agent paradise, and the scope on my rifle has been knocked off course. i haven’t been able to get it fixed, but it’s urgent before i can return to the field.”

hyunshik nodded, an amused half smile at the speed and passion in which the words tumbled out of the woman’s mouth. “i’m sure i can take care of that for you. agent vulcan,” he extended his hand to shake hers.

“i’ve looked at this weapon countless times, and nothing is wrong with it! i’ve triple checked the specs twice and everything is in order,” agent velocity attempted to assure his colleague as soohee handed over the gun she had previously ripped from the table.

“is that so?” he asked absentmindedly, observing every aspect of the rifle in his hands. he made sure it was unloaded before taking a look through the scope, aiming at different points around the room.

“he says that, but every time i try it, it’s still wrong and i–” agent paradise began but was cut off by the dull clang of vulcan swinging his hand back and smacking it against the scope. he glanced through once more to double check before handing her weapon back.

“that’s it?” she asked, mouth slightly agape.

“give it a try and let me know,” he grinned, nodding towards the shooting range.

his smile made her own grow on her cheeks, their fingers brushing as she took her trusty rifle back into her own hands, “thank you.”

“your mama will not be left behind. she would never let that happen,” he gives his daughter a comforting smile, but there is a tinge of sadness in his eyes. “she's here in your head, and she's here in your hands when you shoot, and she's here in your heart,” in turn, he pointed at her forehead, her fingers, and her chest. “you may leave behind this house or this place, but you will never leave behind her.”

#. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ solo #( a little solo bc ive been thinking abt her parents a lot )

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strawberrycircuits · 1 year

Note

fi infodump when ...

RIGHT NOW BABY!!!! im doing this in bullet points if u wanted consistency im OSRRY!!!!!!! (NOT)

-so (leaving out a lot for brevitys sake), she is the person inside the goddess sword, given to sksw link to help guide him through his quest to find zelda on the surface. in sksw link tempers the blade into the master sword, and he seals demise (bad guy who started this whole cycle of reincarnation and death) within the sword. at that point fi asks link to terminate their relationship by returning the sword to its pedestal, where shes to sleep for all of time. ok so remember that

-so like. shes the person in the sword. shes in the master sword. shes in the sword. are you listening to me?

she

the

SWORD.

SHES SEEN SO MANY LINKS. SHES SEEN AT LEAST PART OF EVERY TIMELINE. SHES BEEN WITH US THRU IT ALL BRO!!!!

this not only makes her the only character to survive through all timelines (link zelda and ganondorf dont count bc at least they get to die and be reborn. she doesnt get that privilege. :( ), but also makes her the only character to survive through more than 2 hero cycles (oot link is the other one since he shows up in tp). shes older than even hyrule which, considering how hyrule is constantly forming and losing incredibly advanced societies over and over (i.e. the zonai, which we know less about than we do the ancient sheikah of 10000 years ago prior to the events of botw, the game at the END of the timeline, just to give you a concept of how incredibly, incomprehensibly old hyrule is) thats a LONG FUCKING TIME.

-and u may think. oh shes asleep tho its not like she has any bearing on-- WRONG.

in oot, the master sword (so. fi.) basically sees a child walk up to pull the sword and goes "UM thats a 10 year old. no. dw i can fix this :)" and puts him to sleep for 7 years, making sure a child doesnt have to fight this war on hylias behalf. although she also in turn rips him away from his childhood and condemns him to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders as if hes not still just a 10 year old in a 17 year olds body. hey have you noticed how every child link that has pulled the sword since then (i.e. wind waker) has NOT been aged up by her? kind of like she saw the consequences and decided that allowing a hero to keep his childhood was better than forcing them to grow up like she did OOT link? yeah. i have .

-also this means its her fault the timeline is like that after OOT lol

-but THATS NOT ALL BABY, SHES IN BOTW TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! when link dies the sword GLOWS AND MAKES HER SOUND AFFECT AND SHE TELLS ZELDA HOW TO SAVE LINK. THATS NOT SUBTEXT, THATS STR8 UP THE CATALYST FOR THE GAME!!!!!!! SHE DID THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!! and when u restore the master sword to its full power in botw as link, YOU CAN HEAR A WOMANS VOICE AND THE SWORD GLOWS AND SHE MAKES HER SOUND AFFECT AGAIN AND HER FUCKING THEME PLAYS. SHES HERE SHES HERE SHES NOT ASLEEP SHES FUCKING HERE !!!!!!!!

-wait ok so back up. shes seen every link, but she was meant for sksw link. but cmon, shes just a sword spirit and a servant for the goddess, its not like she misses him, right

... right?

heres her dialogue from the end of Skyward Sword, the very last words she ever speaks to her link:

"Link, hear me.

My purpose was to obey the command of the goddess and lead you, the chosen hero of this land, on the quest. When I first awoke and began this task, I perceived it as merely serving my function as servant to Her Grace. However, I have come to consider the information to our time together among the mose precious data I have on record. I do not have the capability to fully understand the human spirit. But now, at the end of my journey with you, as I prepare to sleep within the Master Sword forever, I experience a feeling I’m unable to identify.

I lack sufficient data to be sure of my conclusion, but I believe this feeling correlates closest to what your people call … happiness.

Our partnership is at end, and even as we speak, I feel my consiousness fading away, before I enter the sleep that calls me to the sword, I wish to relay to you words that I recorded many times over the course of our journey. Many have said them to you thus far, but I now wish to say them for myself.

Thank you, Master Link. May we meet again in another life …"

she literally tells him "i had a very specific purpose set out for me, so specific i am not supposed to feel any emotions or have any thoughts about anything other than assisting you and benefitting the goddess hylia. i am a being of pure, concentrated knowledge; i know just about everything you could ever need to know about this world. and despite that, my time with you is the most precious thing i have ever experienced, and you have brought me happiness despite the fact i am not supposed to experience such a thing. i know youve heard it a lot, but i want to say; thank you. ill see you again one day."

SHE FUCKING. SHE MISSES HIM. SHE WAS SO HAPPY AND DESPITE KNOW8NG SO MUCH ITS HER TIME WITH HIM THAT SHE VALUES THE MOST. SHE IS SO SAD I LOVE HER GIVE HER HER SKYBOY BAVK RIGHT FUCKING NOW NINTENDO I sWAER TOGO D.

-hey btw look at this canon dialogue snippet from botw

-she is canonically genderless :o) she still uses she/her pronouns tho lol

-in the HD remake they cut down a lot of her dialogue and i kill them 10 billion times forever ok?

-her concept art is kind of terrifying and is what i imagine shed look like if they went with a more TP approach/aesthetic

-its worth noting that the fairy queen from wind waker looks a whole hell of a lot like fi, to the point where one of fis costumes in hyrule warriors is based off of said fairy queen (keep in mind wind waker came out a good while before SS). what does it mean? well. uh . thats a great question

-her voice is pretty cool, very vocaloidish and has this v cool reverse effect to it! this video has it and also includes some of her singing from some later puzzles in the game :p links harp playing is absolute shit btw lol its the WORST zelda instrument. they just had to make the instrument fucking motion control based didnt they :/<3

-so shes not. the only sword spirit? technically?? so the main-ish villain you fight and come into contact with is a demon lord named ghirahim (see below). his entire thing is that he wants to revive his master, demise, to wreak havok on the surface and turn this world to ash. so heres his initial design;

pretty normal, yeah? like theres a FEW similarities, i.e. the diamond shapes, the gemstone somewhere in the design, the almost analogous hair and skin color, etc. BUT THEN he has a more powerful but weaker (so maybe more exposed) form, and heres THAT side by side with fi.

so like. holy shit. the geometric designs, the point in the hair, the metallic skin, the pupiless eyes, THE GEMSTONES IN THEIR CHESTS AND FOREHEADS THAT ARE ALMOST IF NOT IDENTICAL. THEYRE SO SIMILAR. while fi is within the sword that belongs to link, demises sword is.. inside ghirahim. he basically kills ghirahim to get the sword, which emerges from his chest in this sickeningly visceral scene. and i have.. SO many fucking thoughts. on the basic level, does this mean that sword spirits are a species of some kind? who made them? did hylia, or did demise, or did the golden goddesses create them? are there more? if hylia and demise made them individually, then why are they so similar? if fi wasnt confined to the sword, would she have a more humanoid figure akin to ghirahims initial form? what would that even look like? its worth noting that, when ghirahim becomes more like fi, he becomes weaker. is fi also in a weakened state, and thats why shes confined to the sword instead of up and walking around?

and then BEYOND THAT, just... the parallels. both fi and ghirahim possess this worrying level of devotion to their respective wielders/deities where almost everything they do is in service to their success. theres been a lot of debate as to how sentient and autonomous fi even is (we will get to that .), while ghirahim is CONSTANTLY chewing the scenery at all times. the fact that both of their wielders are desperate to find zelda/hylia for completely opposite reasons, and while fi seems understanding and sympathetic to links desire to find her, ghirahim is willing to level temples and send hoards of people to die just to get to her just so he can revive demise. link and fi are able to connect throughout the story, and their goodbye is rather hard on them both, while demise doesnt even really talk to ghirahim and just rips him apart to get his sword the moment hes awoken. BUT ALSO? THE FACT THAT HYLIAS FORCED FI INTO THIS ETERNAL ROLE TO NEVER BE REUNITED WITH HER FIRST LINK? at least demise had the dignity to make it clear ghirahims devotion to him never mattered <3

-HEY? ALSO? when ghirahim dies he is ABSORBED INTO DEMISES SWORD. HES IN THE SWORD. LIKE HOW FI IS IN THE SWORD?? SO DID FI DIE AT SOME POINT AND THATS WHY SHES STUCK AT A WEAKENED FORM WITHIN THE GODDESS SWORD??? im LOSING it

-also demises sword disintegrates when link defeats him. rip bozo <3 ghirahim is never coming back but i want him to just so we can have more dissections of how he relates to fi

-gonna take the time to say that everyone who is even vaguely intrigued by fi should read your obedient servant by michpat6 because it singlehandedly made me a fi stan for the rest of time (also the uh. author and i are mutuals. so if ur reading this mich . hi lol)

((also check out her aftermath series its really good and also deals with some fi things too dbjff. thats not the only reason u should read it its honestly got such a well done post-botw narrative that it makes me sad i cant just imagine it as canon once totk comes out))

-ok so heres fi and the sword LITERALLY side by side in game

her legs match the hilt, her cape/body is the same shade of purple, both have the gemstone in the middle... i would also post ghirahims sword design but i have hit the image limit. </3. anyways thats cool as shit esp considering the goddess sword starts out looking like this. maybe theres something to be said about it looking more and more like fi as it gets stronger....?

-ok so. is fi autonomous. her only purpose is to aid link in his quest, she talks primarily in a somewhat stiff, analytical way, and she herself claims says that shes not fit to understand, let alone experience human emotions. ok so heres a bunch of lines and moments that show shes not only autonomous, but funny:

>so at the beginning of the game u meet these lil penguin plant guys named kikwis, and one of them sets off ur little Zelda tracker in ur sword. you can ask if the kikwi is zelda, to which fi will say theres a 5 percent chance of it being zelda. if you make her check the creature afterward, shell add that upon closer inspection, shes only NOW certain it isnt her.

>theres this little flying robot called scrapper that is just smitten with her. the first time you interact, he tries to flirt with her and basically says "ill do whatever you want link as long as its for HER<333" and she just. looks at him. with this incredibly long pause. and then she just turns to link and goes "i think ive found a way to bring things from the surface back to skyloft" and thats that. she is NOT having it lmaodhjdjdjf

>when describing electric chuchus: "If you make contact with this type of Chuchu when it is charged, it will give you a shock. Then it will attempt to feed on you. This is not pleasant."

>when commenting about how Gaeporas retelling of hylias legend is missing aspects: "Ah, yes, the oral tradition. One of the least reliable methods of information retention and transmission."

>theres these things called silent realms that act as trials for link to prove himself. if you fail them repeatedly, she'll remark that your chances of being the hero are drastically decreasing. :(

>if you ask her about eldin volcano, she'll mention the fact that if youre not careful, youll fall on your ass and slide down the mountain, adding: "quite gracefully, im sure, master."

>so at one point fi will stop to tell you that there is a bug infestation somewhere nearby, and that itd be a good place to catch some if link wants. there is... no reason for her to tell you this. it has no bearing either way on hylias plans. while sksw's bug catching mechanic IS a part of the game, you can easily skip by it if you want and not suffer any story consequences afaik. so whats happening is fi has been with you the entire time and had probably watched link collect bugs throughout his adventure and has deduced that its probably something that makes him happy. so ofc shes gonna go, "hey, i know you like catching bugs, so i want you to know theres a LOT of catchable bugs nearby if you wanna go check it out." she just tells u bc she knows its smthn u like !!!!!!!!!

>u can run into some mogmas, who describe someone passing thru as being zelda almost exactly. you can suggest to fi that the person theyre describing is actually impa, to which fi will respond that the chances of that being true are "10%. Rounded up."

>her entire goodbye scene . all of that

>so after defeating a certain miniboss, she'll go ahead and tell you theres a like, <5 percent chance of what youre looking for being there. if you decide to stay there and look around, she'll get annoyed and reiterate that, actually, theres a 0% chance of anything being there, and that you should leave and get on with it asap because of the "substantially unfavorable odds."

tldr shes FUNNY AND SHE PERCIEVES EMOTION PRETTY DAMN WELL . and also she understands the concept of interests and that appealing to someones interests is nice :]

ok maybe that is all . maybe.

i just think shes kinda neat you know

#im on mobile so i . cant do a read more. im so sorry #shes cool go read michpats work on her its incredible #and also play skyward sword #my most blorboed of all time<3

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12conatusezine · 2 years

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They say love is like a rose that has its own beauty that stands out, but for me, love is patient and it always takes time.

On January 14th, 2020, I had this conversation with this guy. A passionate, approachable, family-oriented, God-fearing guy who is dedicated to his future and dreams in life. Little does he know I’m slowly falling after a week of our continued conversation. On February 14th, 2020, he gave me a blue rose with a letter and confessed his feelings towards me. We talk. We got to know each other. He passed the PMA examination, fixed all the papers that he needed, and had his physical test and medical in Baguio City.

Finally, he travels to Baguio to pursue his PMA studies. He is now a 4th class cadet in PMA. He gave me the assurance that, after he finishes his studies in PMA, he will do all that he promised for me. He told me to wait four years for him. And I said, "I will."

The process of waiting is not easy, but I always see the beauty in it. We didn’t have constant communication wherein I can say that he was always safe there. I don’t know what happened to him, but if he got a chance to chat me just a quick update once a month, that makes me happy

While waiting for him, I had peace of mind and I also focused on my studies.

On February 6th, 2022, out of nowhere, he left me a message wherein he said that we should stop everything between us because his feelings towards me were gone. I know the path that he chose, and it’s not easy.

He’s always busy, and I respect his decision. As he continues to move forward to achieve his dream in life, to become an Army. I’m always proud of him, pray for him, and always admire him from afar.

Love is a universal language where letting go of a person you love is also a part of it. Accepting that I and him are no longer together, but once upon a time, he became my home.

- Gorospe, Issiah Clarisse

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Do you have any regrets in the past? Do you ever wish you could turn back time and start all over again? Longing for those vivid nostalgias that would remain as a memory. Well, I do, and it haunts me every time I gaze upon the starry night.

It was the lukewarm dawn of mid-September. I was aroused by dimmed voices of despair coming from the living room. In a split second, I already imagined what had happened, and I cursed myself for that, but every step I took made my heart beat even louder .

I saw my father shed tears while holding the phone. He looked at me with weepy eyes as mom grasped him in her arms. "She's gone, nak." He said, and I could feel my knees shiver. My world sank, and all the stars in my universe had collapsed from greater heights.

The entire day went dreadful, and regrets from the past creep on me like a streak of lighting. "Let's eat," my sister said, but I just clenched the spoon and couldn't bear to shove the food into my mouth. I was still astounded and obscured myself from the rest.

A week had passed and I saw my uncle putting away her clothes and belongings. I tampered and turned to go elsewhere since my eyes were near to crying. "Always follow your dream, my love," her melodic voice echoed through my mind. The day she passed away made me restless and anxious.

I couldn't believe it until recently that both of my grandparents died in the same month and year. After Grandma's death, Grandpa abandoned us. They stood as my biggest supporters and defenders. They both see my infirmity and capabilities, and their presence haunts me till now.

December 2021. We've celebrated the holidays with anguish, and I grieved to see them once more in this lifetime. Currently, I'm still in the course of healing and accepting the fact that all of us are bound to depart from this world. And that guilt from our past decision will be a trace of what we choose to become. But this time, I'm going to choose happiness. Rather than holding onto regrets and suffering, I'll choose to let go. As a result, the stars in my universe will once again begin to orbit, brighter than before.

- Liganad, Pearleen Mae

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Have you ever had doubts about your own worth? You're striving to improve yourself and trying to look cheerful, but your heart is heavy with despair. I am one of those people who is frequently asked what I can contribute to my family. What makes my life meaningful?

I felt a shiver at about 10:00 p.m. in my room. I stretch out on the comfortable bed with a pillow and turn on some music, but you'll be surprised to see that my tears are already streaming down my face. When I looked in the mirror and saw myself, I was filled with a plethora of questions. I frequently find myself comparing myself to others and asking, "What about me?" Why weren't others having the same feelings as I was? Why are they able to do things that I am unable to? Why am I still alive while a significant part of my life is missing? I don't have to compare myself to other people, yet I do it all the time. Many of us lose faith in ourselves and wonder what we're missing in our lives. What makes our lives meaningful?

I'll be attending an online class on February 9, 2022. Another day, another struggle I will face, I usually tell myself when I get up in the morning. I'm going to disregard how I'm feeling. People who know me knows that I am a cheerful person who is constantly happy, but what they don't realize is that I have difficulties that I prefer to ignore. I understand that we are all unique, and that we don't need to compare ourselves to others. We have skills to do things that others can't. It's like you're crazy after you cry, you laugh. That's what happens to me no matter how joyful I am. I also experience despair and suffering that I don't express.

You know, life is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs, and you choose to be joyful, but your heart is filled with worry and anxiety. While sipping hot coffee and munching soft bread, my eyes were awakened that day. I discovered that my life was incredibly significant. I also have a reason for remaining alive, which is to realize my life goals. I became closer to God and to him, I asked for strength and trust that my family did not show much. Even my relatives say, "Oh, Kenneth, you should imitate your older brother." You should do that. It seems that they control yourself, and there are also times when it seems that your identity as a person is no longer yours. When you are forced to do the thing you shouldn't do, and that's what I regret, and during those days I was looking for a puzzle that was missing so that I could form myself or a personality because it was no longer me. There is really something we don't understand, like you are doing everything you can to get a high grade but still can't match your family's standard.

Way back in my elementary days, because I was not an outstanding student, I did not get the opportunity to go across the stage and receive a medal. At the moment, I was going through a bad time since I knew I was giving it my all, but it wasn't enough. I improved even more as I progressed through high school, but even if no one believes me, you will see that it is worth it. I'm gradually seeing and answering the questions that have been bothering me.

From all of my experiences, I've learnt that no matter how difficult life is, no matter what other hardships you encounter, you can conquer them. In fact, the more I got to know myself, the more I became focused on my goals and why I was doing it. Now that I'm ready for the next chapter of my life, I'm going to believe in myself even more. I will not compare myself to others because I know who I am and that is the most important thing.

Gradually, I began to believe in myself, and I grew more and more confident in my dream. My life has taken on new significance as a result of this. I have become more focused on my core values, and can genuinely say that believing in oneself makes life more meaningful.

- Sanchesz, Kenneth Jay

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“You can’t bring him back.” A phrase that I couldn’t get my mind off as I stared at the ceiling while lying in my cold bed. It was like the moment that I lost him, was the moment I realized all the things that he couldn’t be there for. The things where I just need my father for.

The thought of not seeing him ever again never entered my mind even once and I have to admit that although my father was far from perfect, I’m still good enough knowing that he is my father. He had his own flaws and his own battles. He even made a mistake that almost broke our family but I still didn’t think any less of him. He was still the best father that I could ever ask for and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Call me a biased person but allow me to tell you this. My father had the best sense of humor. When I was a child, he would fix my hair in pig tails although he was bad at it, kiss my cheeks as if I’m the fluffiest pillow in the world, buy me things that would piss my mother off and bring me everywhere that he’d go. I felt genuinely happy and “together” whenever I’m with him.

18th of October, 2015. It was the day before my 11th birthday. It was the day he passed away. Seeing my fathers’ dead body lying on our bed, watching my mother cry in front of me, telling me that my father is dead was too much and too arduous for my 10 year old heart.

When I was in 6th grade, there’d be times that I couldn’t help but feel jealous whenever I’d see a child hugging her father or see the fathers of my classmates fetch them after class. There would also be moments where I’d dream about my father then end up crying when I wake up.

It’s true when they say, “Time heals all wounds.” Death of a loved one causes us pain in a way that no one could tell when you’ll be fine again. No amount of “you’ll be okay” can make you feel better. It would be a long healing process that we have to go through.

To be honest, the first two years were painful for my family as we had a hard time to adjust. There would be random moments where I’d pray and ask God why and tell him that I’m disappointed with everything that’s happened. It was not until last month, February when three of us; namely, me, my mother and sister were talking about life and suddenly opened up the topic about our papa’s death. It was very heartwarming to hear their thoughts about it but what occupied my mind the most was my sisters’ realization about it. She told us that, had it not been for papa’s death, this would not have happened. After that talk, as I laid down on my bed that night, I thought about that phrase over and over again, trying to absorb it until I came up with this beautiful realization. Had it not been for my father’s death,

I would not have had the time to deepen my relationship with God and my family aside from my father. I get to see how loving and caring both my sister and mother are. Through that painful experience, God came through. He showed me that He was faithful and sufficient.

He showed me that He could be trusted. I know that sometimes, painful things that happen to us may look like as if it doesn’t make sense in the beginning but we must remember that somehow, in the midst of those, by the grace of God, his faithfulness will always prevail.

- Zerrudo, Kyla Celine

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The grass is greener on the other side—we see for it but not vividly enough. Sometimes we ignore things that appear in our own eyes, our perspectives are focusing on what is present to us. In fact, there's a much greater view, we just need to pan ourselves and look closely at it.

March 22, 2021. The Semester break is over. It was my first day in an online class. I'm so excited to introduce myself to my classmates and interact with them virtually. At first, I took a shower earlier that morning. I noticed something why some aren't opening their cameras and then I realized maybe they aren't as productive as I am nor it is what it is in an online conference. It's up to me to adapt in this situation. Everything's different the way I visualize learning amidst the pandemic; it enlightens me in differentiating the two modalities. I'm not sure what the reason is but the only thing that I'm certain of is that I'm jumping out of my comfort zone. Maybe this is just part of taking responsibility; I just need to be committed in every decision I make and consistent enough to finish what I started. "Why did you shift modality?" Camille, one of my modular classmates asked me. "I don't feel that being modular makes me swim deep into the ocean." I distinctly responded. "What do you mean?" She asked me again. "I need to know how deep it is." I sighed and gave her gratitude.

July 3, 2021. The last day of the semester. Camaraderie was built across the ups and downs of my experiences as an online student. We may be divided as we fall—but we're united as we stand. I have a zeal and a strong confidence to overcome everything towards my path.

Although I still missed my classmates from (HUMSS 13 De Saussure) sir Dagum's advisory class. I may not remember all of their names but I'll never forget how they made me feel. The memories we made in academics will always be in my heart.

Acquaintances are like money, they come and go; even in unexpected moments. The time we invested on them is worth spending. A treasure hunt full of adventures—an odyssey of pursuing felicity. Everything that goes makes me come and everything that comes eventually goes.

Henceforth, all the people that'd been a lesson I learned, I'm sincerely grateful for having you all in my life and to those people who remain faithful by showing me to not only look at the bright side—but always look at the brighter side of life.

- Po, John Kyper

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Do you know what it's like to feel as if no one believes in you? Even your own family can’t support you, and you come to the point where you also start doubting yourself? They often say that family will always boost your motivation and support you. Well, I think not in my situation. I am living my life in chains.

It was a typical day to commence the first day of February, and as usual, I woke up early. The breeze was gentle like a butterfly, and I smiled as the sun happily greeted me this morning. The trees are dancing as beauties in this light that colors my skin so tenderly. They move in perfect sync, orchestrated by the wind. They are the heart and soul of this early summer morning, and I wonder how many different shades of green my eyes are seeing. As they extend upwards and outwards into the light, taking in rays as clean as rain, I reach my arms up, fingers stretched toward the sun, and gently begin to dance. After mesmerizing the beauty of my morning, I showered and dressed up before attending my online classes so that I would look as fresh as a daisy. Everything turned out pretty well, despite the fact that I was as busy as a bee earlier due to the activities assigned to us by our teacher. However, I'm glad I was able to share my goals and dreams with my classmates. Later that day, at 3 p.m., I was enjoying my creamy, delectable, and delicious chicken noodle soup when I heard the "ting" sound coming from my phone, notifying me that I had a message. I opened it, and it was a chat from my friend asking me if I would take an exam for MSU SASE and what course would I take? I stared at it for a moment and thought about it because I still haven't discussed this with my parents. It took me a while to have the courage to finally ask my parents. "Pa, should I try and take an exam at MSU?" I asked my father, who's busy doing some paperwork. He paused for a while and looked at me. There were five minutes of deafening silence before he responded to me. "Why? What course would you take? " He asked me. "BS Tourism because I want to be a flight attendant someday," I replied to him with glee, but he seemed to be not happy with it.

His expression was enough for me to conclude that our conversation would lead to an argument and that this, I thought, would be the beginning of the end. And so, I was right. We argued for like an hour, and my mom and brothers also joined the discussion. All of them were against my decision. I didn't say anything; I'm as silent as the grave. They don't want me to be an FA because they say I'm not capable of it and "I can't do it." And with those four words, my happiness died. My breath hitched, and I was frozen still the moment I heard that. Their words were like the sting of a bee to me. Like venom, it spreads so quickly throughout my body that even breathing is difficult for me to do. It hurts like hell. I felt like sharp knives were piercing my heart, especially since they came from my own family, my loved ones. I was completely destroyed. Despite the fact that I was already crying on the inside, I still managed to put on a phony grin to hide my pain. When I couldn't contain my feelings any longer, I got up and ran like the wind. I must confess that in my quest, I felt depressed and restless. At that moment, I was so sad that I was drowning in tears already. I cried all my pain and anger. And that's also the time when I made up my mind that I would not give up. I will follow my instincts and change tack, and I'll do everything to prove them wrong. I will focus on my goals, improve my studies, and I will not stop encouraging my parents to allow me to take the course that I want. Life is a barren field, frozen with snow. I know that I'll face a lot of challenges in the future, but I'll still pursue my dreams no matter what. All I have to do is to believe in myself because, according to Christian D. Larson, "Believe in yourself and all that you are." "Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."

- Cordova, Criselle Joy

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Respect and acceptance, things that all LGBTQ community members seek for. The feeling of being degraded, bullied and invalidated are just some of the burdens we LGBTQ members carry on our backs.

26th of February 2022, 3:50 pm. Preparing myself for my friends 18 birthday party at Paseo de Morales. Putting makeup on, snatching my nose line, looking like a doll, what a nice way to start a day. Confidently showcasing myself to our neighbors as I wait for my friend that moves like a snail. The vanilla scent in my perfume makes me more alluring.

5:10 pm, we arrived at the venue. Astonished by the decorations, tables everywhere, and a well decorated center stage. Standing, I can see eyes on me. I began to doubt myself, do I look hideous? Does my outfit don't match the dress code? Those are the questions I ask myself as I saw eyes staring at me. Out of no where, I came realize that it is because I am a gay, it is because the way I move and speak, and it is because I dress differently among other boys.

At 10:15 pm, the events ended. My friends and I stayed behind for an after party. Enjoying the moment we have, dancing, laughing, and singing. Jaws began to lock due to non stop laughter. In a cool small room we made memories we will always remember. 12:30 am, everyone decided to go out to get the cake left so that we could satisfy our craving. The cake is on a table where my friend's uncles are drinking. Everyone is too timid to take the cake.

Building my confidence, I try to get the cake and abruptly my friend's uncle stops me as he utter foul words to me. It seems that the sky falls on me as I hear the words he says. Slowly walks backward as my confidence drains like a cellphones battery. My eyes that are lively and looking straight start to go down and feels like my fire was extinguished. I suddenly became silent and came to realize that in this time where people start to respect and accept LGBTQ community there are still few that do not respect and accept LGBTQ members while they don't know the struggles every LGBTQ members go through just to show that we are worthy of acceptance and respect.

- Rizala, James

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What it’s like to be plus sized? I was not chubby or fat when I was a kid. I was normal. I was normal because back then I couldn't feel the glaring and heavy gazes of the people around me. Strolling around different places is not my thing. I can feel the judgment of other people. Their eyes are like knives, their eyes bore into me making me feel edgy, feeling like I was drowning and my legs are chained not being able to breathe. I know some of them don’t even care if I was there. It’s just the insecurities sneaking up to me. Like trees that are spreading their roots restraining my body until they suffocate me. Sometimes staring into space without thinking about anything makes me feel better.

There is no pressure that’s going “drip, drip” that will never stop. Thinking about nothing gives me peace. The peace that I always longed for because of the constant mocking of the insecurities inside my head. I was living my life in chains. I’m an awkward, chubby girl. That title will always stick to me and it will never go away, because of that I am drowning in a sea of sadness. It will never go away because of the constant reminders of the people around me. Always being compared to other girls. I tried all my might to smile and not cry.

Going on a vacation or meeting relatives and other people is like a curse. They always greet you with “Wow, you’re so big already”; “Are you exercising enough?”, “You should lose weight”. Smiling as if those words never hurt me. They had just met me and I was greeted by one of my insecurities. I was going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I was always on the receiving end of jokes from people because we are funny and the world considers us a joke. The loud silence of night keeps me awake, making me think about how cruel the world is. Taking every willpower that I have to defend myself from the criticism of the world because I just weighed more than humanity deems acceptable. I can’t say I disagree with what they’re saying. They should know that we are much more than our weight.

I’m not pretty, I admit. And that didn’t make anything better. Being accused of celebrating eating a lot of food or gaining a lot of weight made a hole in my heart. I know that health is important but demeaning someone doesn’t justify their health advice. I am still hoping that they can understand. Every cloud has a silver lining.

I’m doing my best to be healthy but I’m already being judged by someone who doesn’t know the behind the scene. I usually feel blue when I think about it. Health isn't just about organs and body weight. My mind is exhausted with the words that come out of people’s mouths. I am always crying my eyes out because of it. Our minds are fragile, they can easily break and give up. Our mental health requires just as much attention as physical health.

My body sometimes gives up, I’m down in the dumps because of the weight of judgmental gazes and words. My body gave up because it couldn't hold on any longer. A rock can withstand anything but it can still break. I’m tired, they should realize that I can get tired and I need a break from all of it. With a heavy heart, I wrote this piece.

I already have insecurities and a twisted perspective. I took everything very hard. Why should I care about other people’s opinions? Now I realized everything, I will never leave my heart and mind knocked sideways. I know I’m beautiful. I am beautiful, and that will help me fight the demons that have been affecting me for a long time. Now I’m ready to leave those negative thoughts in my mind. It's my body and I will understand “me”. People will have to change my mind if they judge me. I won’t let it bother me. I don’t need to be skinny and lovely because I will love myself.

- Montederamos, Nica

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Every time I see lean, good-looking girls, I am puzzled. I'm puzzled how it feels to be that attractive... I am puzzled about how it feels to fit in the body standards of beauty ... I am puzzled if people would perceive me as beautiful if I was skinny. But mostly, I am very puzzled as I popped the question in my head "will the people treat me better if I was not fat as a beached whale?" and just like what the famous song of Conan Gray says, "I really wish I were Heather."

Gloomy Evening of December 31, my family gathered together with my aunts, uncles, and cousins as we celebrated the Diamond jubilee of our matriarch's sibling and welcomed another year. Our laughter and chatters echoed on the four corners of their humble abode. It was such a pleasant night indeed and when the clock strikes 12, we've all greeted each other in harmony to the loud bangs of the fireworks. Minutes after we started eating like we are in a feast with various delicacies, serve to us. The smokey fragrance of the heated carbonara pasta stands in stark contrast with the creaminess of the melted cream cheese and grilled bacon, as well as the aromas of the spices like black pepper lingered into my nose. This has caused my mouth to water and my stomach to womble. I've got a bowl full of carbonara for it looks so flavorsome and luscious.

I was enjoying my mouth-watering carbonara when I suddenly felt the urge to pee, so I excused myself and find my way to the CR. I was about to walk into the kitchen when I heard the whispers of 2 people. I was curious so I tried to eavesdrop and the famous saying "Curiosity kills the cat" was really right because at that very moment I heard a very heart-shattering line. "Mimi looks hefty, I think she is much bigger than her mother. It looks like she was marooned in the kitchen." My aunty voiced out to my other aunty. My aunty agreed and replied, "Tata is pretty though I really don't know what happened to Mimi. Maybe, if she'll lose weight at least she'll look good enough." These were the exact lines that scared my 13-year-old heart. I dozed to sleep that night with the noxious air of melancholy surrounding me.

Years and years passed by, but those words didn't leave my system and I was also put through the winger many times because of my weight. My confidence crumbled... My sunny days turned into rainy days... and the once confident and bubbly child became so distant and lonesome. It also alters the way I envisage myself to a point that if someone compliments me, I'll think of it as a sham, mockery, or joke. Not until quarantine had happened. It became my port in a storm, it helped to build little by little the confidence to socialize with people again. I always remember this specific paragraph from the book that I have read "Expectations, assumptions, and judgments are siblings. They almost have the same counter to tell, we just need to look on all sides." It tells me that I should accept all the counters in this life, open-minded and open arms, and take it as a form of challenge for a better tomorrow and next. Some may see me as a confident woman but they don't know what kind of demon withstand. It was the demon of my past... a demon molded by insecurities... a demon in which only I can defeat.

- Maputol, Shiela May

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Have you ever been blamed for doing such a thing? For making the decision you never thought you would ever do. For breaking someone's heart unintentionally.

Nowadays, some people believe that they are the only ones who are suffering simply because they are the ones who have been left behind. When there is someone who understands the agony, who feels responsible for making such a decision, who doesn't want to leave but doesn't want to stay as well, who is leaving for the better. Way back 2021, month of November, I woke up early in the morning to start my day because I had classes. I felt drained and stressed already for everything. There was a lot of stuff in my mind at that time, including the decision I had been thinking about for weeks. I never imagined I'd be in a position where I'd have to break the heart of the man I'd been in love with for almost two years. I built memories with this man. He was the man with whom I shared my joys, sorrows, and even my darkest secrets. I assumed he was "the one." He's the man I believed I'd spend the rest of my life with.

On a November night, I finally did something I had been thinking about for weeks. My relationship with him came to an end via chat. We did not have a label; therefore, we were essentially in a "No-Label-Relationship." I've been teased for staying in a relationship like that, but it was not the reason I stopped it. It was because I no longer have feelings for him. I tried my hardest to fall in love with him again, but I guess you can't force yourself to do so. There were other promises that were not kept. I don't want to leave him, but I have no choice. I don’t want to stay with someone I don’t love anymore. I had the impression that we needed to set each other free.

That night, as I was explaining everything to him, I burst into tears. All of the harsh words he spoke to me were accepted. Even though we didn't have a label for our relationship, it was difficult for me to discontinue it. I understand that he was suffering, but he isn't the only one. Despite this, he requested a chance, and I agreed to give him a week to prove himself. He proves himself after a week, but I still have no feelings for him. I told him we weren't meant to be together. Although I felt awful about shoving him away, no one believed me. November 28, 2021, he stopped contacting me. I remember the first time he messaged me, which was on November 28, 2019, exactly two years.

I believed I'd be free after everything was over, but I was mistaken. People began to blame me for abandoning him. "Am I selfish?" I began to question myself. Why can't anyone understand what I'm going through? Why does this society think that the only person to blame is the one who left? Is it selfish when you only want freedom? Is it bad to know your worth? After that experience, I learned that no matter what decision I make, people will always have something to say, no matter how many times I explain myself. All I need to do now is to concentrate on myself. What matters is that I know I did what I had to. I took the steps that will set me free.

I've finally realized what I'm worth. I set a high standard for myself. I'll never lower my standards for anyone else. I'd rather be single than settle less than I deserve. My past has taught me a lot. When I invest my heart again, I'll make certain that it will last and that it will be good for the both of us. I'll offer my heart to a man who will love me more than I love him. The man who will not only love me but will also be consistent in his actions towards me. Because love without consistency will not make me stay.

- Iñego, Junella

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#microblogs #conatus

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inkofamethyst · 2 years

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May 4, 2022

I think I gave myself too much credit. I wouldn’t have caught that twist at the end, less-so because I’m a smooth-brain, and more so because I wouldn’t expect a kids show to pull something like that. I was totally ready to accept what they were handing me at face value (note: I did roll my eyes every time they shoved it in my face) because I keep forgetting that like,,, adults are writing these shows and that kids are more emotionally intelligent that we give them credit for. Also being able to hook an adult audience (yes, I consider myself an adult) is golden. Teen Titans and ATLA do a fantastic job at being aimed at kids while still being “good enough” that full-on adults can enjoy it too. Honestly the same probably goes for X-Men Evolution. And I’m realizing now that I have a bit of a bias. My bias toward action and adventure is showing through substantially. I mean, Phineas and Ferb holds up for sure (so far), but I don’t know if that’s fully outside the action/adventure scene. Hm...

I mean I can’t help but to enjoy what I enjoy, but I’ll try to come up with kids’ shows that aren’t just about kicking butt which still hold up. ‘Cuz like,,,,, Batman/Superman The Animated Series are action/adventure too.

The Princess Protection Program probably holds up lol. Not a show, but still.

Switching gears, I wonder if my attraction to Geralt (books) has a twinge of “I can fix him” energy in it lol. Because like,,, Geralt big man, physically fit, strong, capable of tenderness, uses swords, intelligent (except when he’s gone love-dumb tbh, Yennefer is a huge weakness for him), but he’s also got a ton of self-loathing going on up in there. He seems to believe in his soul that he is fully inhuman and not worthy of humanity (the fact that he can’t procreate really seems to get at him, for example (something both he and Yennefer share, actually)). Idk it’s just an interesting thought.

The application process for graduate school (specifically PhD/Masters as opposed to med school) is way way different from the process I went through four years ago for undergrad. There was way more... infrastructure around the process, if you get what I mean? With graduate school, I feel like I’m doing a lot of it on my own, honestly. I mean, I know I have mentors who are willing to help, but I have to dedicate some of my own time to this process to an extent that feels different from the first time, if that makes any sense at all.

And like, also, a ton of decent programs are in the middle of nowhere which sucks. Also the lowest acceptance rate I’ve managed has been ~5% which is already SUPER steep when you consider that the application for it was ultra competitive. Some of these PhDs???? Acceptance rates around 1-2%. LIKE WHAT?? HELLO??? And I just know that all the cool places have those ultra low acceptance rates. But Imma throw my hat in the ring, for sure. I will not let that deter me in the slightest. Plus I should have that dreaded backup Masters option in my pocket.

Had dinner with saxophone-guy today (after going to his pep band “concert” which was really really really fun actually (I friggin love cadences)); it was really nice. He brought up something really interesting that he’d chatted with a mutual friend from the orchestra about... basically the girl I’m duetting in the concert has... a lot of pull in the orchestra, to say the least. And something that the mutual friend mentioned to him was that it seems like there’s a bit of favoritism playing out when it comes to selecting soloists and the chamber groups that get into the main lineup because this one girl is on the committee who makes those decisions, and even if she doesn’t get to decide on the ones that she’s auditioning for, she’s still good friends with the people who do. And there was some criticism of the fact that this girl (who is for sure immensely talented, let’s not minimize that) may be “hogging the spotlight” in a way and being permitted to do so by means that are a little unfair because there are so so many talented acts that could have been selected and this girl is involved in, like, 3/4 selected chamber groups, the solo/duet, and her other thing through which she is center stage for half the concert. The idea being that the “wealth of the spotlight” is not being properly shared as a result of power imbalances.

Points were made. Good ones. I think it’d been a passing thought in my mind, but nothing that I’d ever taken time to contemplate. But as a result of my mental/emotional journey last semester, I told saxophone-guy that I could not allow myself to think for a second that these choices are made based on anything other than merit. Because if I did, I would certainly spiral. Also, this is that girl’s last semester. I think thoughts like these (and at this point in time where we can’t really do anything to effect major changes) mostly just breed resentment which isn’t useful. Idk it just reminds me of high school theatre type drama, but I guess the skeleton of that never really goes away in the arts, or in any field, really.

Isn’t it funny how the celebration of Frist Contact Day is exactly a month before May the Fourth?

Anyway. Today I’m thankful for my meal plan!!

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galaxygermdraws · 2 years

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Sorry for not posting anything for a few days, been working on some Helsian references to post in one go, and idk if I’m gon make another one right away so. So, there is a lot I need to talk about with these guys, well, most of them, so I am going to put my innate ramblings under a read more. But if you want basic knowledge I’ll give you names and who they’re counterparts of :D

Top: Clap Trap(Hels Mumbo), Koray(Hels Grian), Helskall(Hels Iskall)

Bottom: Phedaz(not Hels Zedaph), Indulge(Hels Impulse), and Limbo(Hels Tango)

(Reblogs with tags/comments are appreciated please and thankyu. More information under the read more)

So before anybody asks me no I did not name my Hels Mumbo after @/sweetest-honeybee did hers. Clap Trap was always his name and I decided to combine him with Yellow Tie Mumbo(aka Eebo Jeebo) because having two Hels Mumbos doesn’t have any sense. Now with that out of the way I am going to drop long paragraphs of information about these guys, save for Clap and Helskall, as I have yet to develop them properly. Big big big thanks and much love to @micer2012 for helping me develop Daz, Indulge, and Limbo recently!! It’s helped me a ton. Lova you Della :D

(side note: I am not putting all the information on these guys in this because I am going to be opening asks about them)

Koray: A runaway Stalker known as the Godslayer, Koray has a chaotic tendency to destroy. He was going to be “fixed” by the control freaks that are the Stalkers, but he killed a few of them and fled, having had half his face scarred with celestial wax, something that could never come off. He’s a walking contradiction. He hates himself, but he’s also arrogant and egotistical. He believes he’s the best at building, but he will destroy his own base hundreds of times until it’s perfect. He acts like he doesn’t care, but his attachments are one of his biggest flaws.

Phedaz: One wouldn’t be seen as ignorant in thinking Daz is Zedaph’s Hels counterpart. Even if that is far from the truth. He is cold, calculating, and meticulous, taking hours at a time to think over complicated decisions. He is always seen side by side with Indulge, his partner in crime, and if they’re ever separated it isn’t of their own will. Despite how cold he is towards anybody else, Daz is capable of feeling emotions. Only Indulge knows this though, and that’s the way it’s gonna stay.

IndulgeVS: One of the biggest hypocrites the Helsmits have to offer, Indulge has a hard time trusting people and has massive amounts of unresolved trauma. Being plucked from his home as a kid was already bad enough, but being hunted for sport every day for a decade does things to a person. Especially when said hunting killed him. Luckily he was found by Zedeath and was brought back to life, only to be in debt to the Death spirit.

Limbo Lag: Limbo, by all accounts, is still a child. He was rescued from nearly dying by Indulge, even nursed back to health and taken care of. He was given Bluestone eyes since his eyes were both injured and not adjusting to the light of Hels. He trusted Indulge with his life for so long…then he was hurt. And for so long even when Indulge hurt him he’d crawl back to him for safety, it’s what he’d been taught by the dragon hybrid… but he kept being hurt, and when Daz came along it only got worse…

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shotorozu · 3 years

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attractive things you do a lot

[sorta milestone celebration, but also something i made during todo’s birthday]

character(s) : multiple; five or more.

legend : [Y/N = your name] they/them pronouns used, hinted to have a strong quirk but it’s not mentioned alot

post type : headcanons + scenario [fluff, the mildest of spice.] third year au! but it’s nothing nsfw, so no need to worry.

note(s) : i was planning on doing denki, tamaki, monoma, and 2 other characters— but my idea train stopped at shinsou so i’m sorry about that! just let me manifest some ideas rq, and i’ll make a part two.

»»————-　♡　————-««

todoroki shouto

eye contact is so attractive to him, he can’t explain it’s exact details

it’s definitely the way the both of you guys can practically read each other’s expressions just by staring into each other’s eyes it’s sorta telepathic?? im half joking

he absolutely loves the way you look away bashfully when you realize he’s staring at you— as you try to pretend he wasn’t just staring at you not so discreetly

and if you feel like it, you’ll stare back at him— totally teasing him with your eyes, as he slowly realizes that you’ve caught him staring

really adores your thinking face for some reason, you could be plotting about giving bakugou a knuckle sandwich, and shouto would just stare like “my s/o’s so attractive :))”

another thing he really likes is when you hold onto his hand, dragging his left side to your face whenever you feel colder than usual

you practically do the same thing when it’s too hot, and he doesn’t care if you’re sweaty or not. nope, not one bit.

he always found it attractive when he sees you bop your head to songs you really like. shouto just really likes seeing you enjoy yourself.

an extra to the cool/hot bit, he makes you run towards his direction by turning off the ac/heater.

last but not the least, his heart swoons when you kiss his scar. he has always been insecure about it, and you have helped him a lot!

mild spice here— whenever you bite your lip, his heart skips a beat

your lips are just so perfect to him, the shape, size, and color. so biting your lip does something alright. he doesn’t know what exactly though.

to conclude this, todoroki’s just whipped for you— it’s very noticable when he finds you extra attractive.

midoriya izuku

he loves seeing you hyped about something you’re really interested in.

like todoroki, seeing you enjoy yourself genuinely makes him content. his s/o having their own interests is really big for him

strength is something he admires (but he’s not power hungry like end*avor, don’t get confused).

so no, it doesn’t just reflect on your strong and capable quirk—

no. it’s so much deeper than that to him, seeing that you can overcome challenges makes his heart swoon

when you tilt your head when listening to him- omg. he might just short circuit from the way you’re looking at him intensely.

he likes it a lot when you reach for his hand, enveloping your hand against his

an extra point if you pay extra attention to the callouses and scars on his hands— purposely rubbing a thumb across his scars

fixing his tie.

like.. [SIMP SCREAMS] he doesn’t really know how to fix it properly, but if you do it for him— he’ll start imagining a rather domestic life so BWNDNWNS warn him

mild spice here— but he loves seeing you fix your hero costume?? there’s something about it that makes him refuse to look away. he thinks you’re very hot btw

but the top tier? it’s when you get along with his mom, and children

like.. you don’t have to be good with them, but you should at least be nice to them! midoriya’s deal breaker is if you don’t get along with his mom so.. you really have to in this relationship

bakugou katsuki

when you put him back in his place- well.. let me explain this one

people are so easily intimidated by him, so people don’t talk at him when he says some shit

so he’ll be genuinely surprised if you talk back at him, because it shows him that you're not afraid of him (and that’s important in a relationship with bakugou)

when you put his face in his palms. he’ll scowl and tell you off, but he actually likes holding your face in his palms

his hands are naturally clammy, so he’s secretly so insecure about them, and if you show him that you really don’t care- then.. that’ll keep him up at night.

same thing with shouto, but if you run to him for warm in colder weathers, that’ll give him an ego boost.

knowing that you’ll only look for him, whenever you feel cold makes him feel all “mushy” inside. again, like how bakugou is- he’ll pretend he absolutely despises it but he’ll actually love it.

mild spice here- but seeing you all worn out, panting under him when he spars with you is something that’ll leave him speechless for the rest of the day. man can’t stop thinking about it, and he has to restrain himself.

last but not the least- it’s when you touch/play with his hair.

YUUUP.

so unexpected because he never lets anyone touch it, sometimes not even his own mother.

but the only hands that are touching the ash blond mesh that is his hair is you.

do whatever with them. create small braids, comb it, tie it with a scrunchy, straighten it. really- he has trust in you

he’s just so whipped when you do it, and it calms him down.

kirishima eijirou

when you call him manly 🤠

and when you do things he considers as ‘manly’ like going out of your way to train your quirk— and helping him study for something he doesn’t quite get and when you succeed

another ‘manly’ thing is when you manage to encourage him— because he himself had confidence issues

so if you do that, he’ll be planning the wedding asap

whenever you just make grabby hands at his hair— wanting to style his hair

oh and if you wanted to redo his roots (if they grow back) then he’ll let you <3 because he absolutely adores it

when you start tracing his jawline when you’re staring at him. he was very caught off guard when you did this for the first time

but he absolutely loves the sensation.

stretching before any exercise! just the way you twist yourself with ease.. he’s mesmerized

he stares a little too much, to the point he gets called out by bakugou multiple times

a little spicy here — he likes your teeth. normal teeth, canine teeth, fangs, whatever!

doesn’t matter if you’re bite your lip, or runnig your tongue along the edge of a tooth. are you trying to seduce him?

he will be seduced 💀 face practically rivalling his faux red hair, trying to avert his gaze— thinking about how pretty you just looked like.

last but not the least!

back hugs. he’s such a fan of them, regardless if you’re taller than him, or shorter

surprise him, and he’ll turn around with this big dopey smile— and he’ll trap you in his arms

shinsou hitoshi

okay, if you randomly send him pictures of yourself (either your prettiest pictures, or the weirdest pictures) he’ll be so in love

like— just look at you! you’re gorgeous to him (saves every singe candid photo you’ve send him)

this is a really weird one but.. when you pick up things with your feet (bonus points if you do it with ease.)

when you start fixing your hair, doing whatever to it— he’s just in awe. (have you hypnotized him with your beauty?)

get him things for his hair like headbands, scrunchies, little barretts and pigtails

he’ll keep it in for as long as he can— since his hair is a little wild, a little braid or ponytail wouldn’t hurt, right?

spice warning (?) whispering into his ear makes his heart pound 10x faster like.. are you trying to kill him?

his quirk gave him a habit of listening to someone’s voice.. a little too much.

SO IF YOU WHISPER IN HIS EAR, HE’LL STOP FUNCTIONING :) do whatever with that info tbh

last but never the least— when you support him, and his journey to becoming a hero

because people have told him that he’ll never be a hero because his quirk was too villainy

nope. you think differently, and that’s what he thinks is most attractive about you.

the ability to support and believe him, even if his quirk seems a little misleading.

»»————-　♡　————-««

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei. i only own the writing.

do not plagiarize my work :))

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