#I HAVE NEVER SCREAMED SO HARD | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trashlie · 5 months

Text

I haven't talked Stalkyoo - or even ILY, period - in a LONG while here on tumblr and a lot of it had to do with the funk I was going through, the lack of energy I had and the inability to really gather my thoughts and force myself to be cohesive enough to actually put them down, but like I said, I've felt myself coming alive again, and with that, I've found myself falling back into my comfort zones of picking at ILY and the themes I love, the parallels, the juxtapositions, and yes, all the minute details that make Stalkyoo so special, what it is about them within the constraints of their universe that is so appealing.

We all know I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the purpose the Shinlyssa flashback serves, especially in serving to illustrate just how deeply Nol has hurt Shinae in doing to her what Alyssa had already done before, and why it's so significant that she is willing to forgive him and let him go at that time. As the story moves on from that night, we know that flashback inserted at that pont serves to help us better understand the things Alyssa doesn't reveal - the implication that she lives in an abusive home, that she is gay, that her desire to be popular is more about filling a psychological unmet need to be loved - as we watch her arc set up for the post-time skip second season.

But crucially, the flashback reinforces that Shinae fell for Nol for the same reason he fell for her: he made her feel special.

Shinae's trauma about her past with Alyssa, head injury aside, was that she didn't understand why. It was that Alyssa was special to her but she felt like Alyssa cast her aside, like the feeling wasn't mutual. Even regarding Rika and Maya, until she finally talked things out, she felt like she was just... there, that she didn't mean anything. Her mother left and took her sister and then what. Never calls, never writes, not even birthday cards or even a postcard??? Of course a child will feel like she was discarded, the unwanted one!

Shinae is so used to feeling like she is replaceable, easy to toss away and forget about, not worth a second thought or glance.

And then comes this earnest, handsome guy SO KEEN on getting under her skin, into her head, earning her friendship, and though it annoys her at first, he grows on her. She starts to VALUE it, his actions. She finds herself missing it when he changes and withdraws, aware of the change but uncertain of exactly what is different. As he pulls away she finds that she's the one doing the chasing now.

He made her feel like she's special. Like she matters. Like there is some kind of great value to her. How could she not fall for the person who made her feel seen when she was so used to blending in and taking up as little space as possible?

The juxtaposition of the Shinlyssa flashback set against Shinae and Nol's feelings finally bubbling to the surface is SO! GOOD!!!! Because Alyssa had such a lasting impact on Shinae! It was a ghost haunting her, following her into high school, clinging to her even when she met Nol. That hurt she carried, that scar she still hides, reminded her over and over how easy it was to discard her, how easy it was to throw her away.

And Nol proved to her (what we know to be true for Alyssa) that it isn't true, that she isn't, in fact, so easy to discard, that she is someone special, that she means something.

To insert the flashback that reinforces why Shinae believed herself so easy to discard on the cusp of Shinae and Nol's feelings for each other finally bubbling to the surface is to reinforce exactly how these two fell for each other in the first place: in the shadows where no one was paying attention, they saw each other, and they cared.

And GOD it's so SO SO beautiful 🥺🥺🥺🥺😭💕

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Stalkyoo #Aegi #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #sobs i refuse to shut up about this lmao #it's just!!!!!!!#THE JUXTAPOSITION #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#the incident that convinced Shinae she's so easily discarded #and the boy who proved she's not #that night would have been so different if only she was #he certainly wouldn't be covered in bandages if only she was so easy to throw away huh #😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and if we wanna get REAL deep into it #would alyssa ever have been so drawn to a boy who had a smile that reminded her of the girl who made things so hard for her?#if Shinae was so easy to throw away Alyssa never would have had that mess EITHER!#AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH #SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and i HAVE to believe that leaving her wasn't easy for her mom cos any other alternative makes me wanna sob #SHINAE BABE YOU WERE *NEVER* EASY TO THROW AWAY #YOU WERE NEVER EASY TO DISCARD #Alyssa and Nol could bond over this truth #sobs

67 notes · View notes

51ft · 7 months

Text

i keep thinking about the one line dark justiciar shadowheart says when shar returns all her memories right before she kills her parents

and u can be like, do what u think is right!! (even though u probably picked all the worst options for the nightsong to die)

and she

she acknowledges and is aware of how messed up her whole situation is but shes in too deep to stop!!!!!

and im

ooOOOUUUUGGGHHHHH

#bg3 spoilers #THE SELF LOATHING!!!!!!!#anyways then she loses all her memories again and has a grand evil shar time #but i like to imagine that deep sense of unease whenever she even thinks too hard about those huge gaps in her memories #which ofc dark shart will cope with by simply not thinking about it and following her faith #BUT BUT BUT shes still the same person with the very charitable reading of shar's doctrine #so naturally those deep seated misgivings will never go away #probably #my brainworms wont free me #im also just thinking how cool it wouldve been to have gotten this scene with a genuininely good character #but its most likely u get it on the murderhobo runs..#can i just say if i were shadowheart it doesnt even make any sense not to stab the aasimar #like shes just goading her and shittalking her the whole time??#AT LEAST TELL HER ABOUT HER PARENTS FIRST??#also that scene is the only time she will actually acknowledge herself as jenevelle to her parents...#when she screams shes not jenevelle its not bc she believes it but more like she wants it to be true #mmm the angst...

145 notes · View notes

spinjitsuburst · 4 months

Text

I HAVE EVERYONE EXCEPT ZANE LET’S FUCKING GO

37 notes · View notes

shuacore · 2 years

Text

[ 18:13 ] ceilings

lovely to be sitting here with you.

when you were with joshua, time always seemed to slow down.

your first date was some low-budget romance movie (which joshua always disputes—he doesn’t think movies are good first dates), and you had been sitting in the back of the theater, your heart racing to no end, as you stare unseeing at the screen in front of you. part of you hopes that joshua will reach over and grab your hand because you’ve always wanted to know what his hand would feel like in yours, but you also know if he touches you, he’ll feel nothing but sweaty, sticky skin and then maybe he’ll realize how much this actually means to you and be weirded out. because that’s normal, right? right?!

the thought is so mortifying that you keep your hands folded stiffly in your lap until the credits roll and the lights come up. joshua makes you so nervous, not just because he’s been your crush since forever but because his kindness is so overwhelming, so genuine and honest that you’re worried he’ll be disappointed by what he sees in you.

then you’re driving me home, but i don’t wanna leave, but i have to go.

the car ride home is quiet. joshua’s face is illuminated by the dim blue glow of the entertainment system, and you wish you could stare at him forever, trace your finger over the slopes and dips of his profile until it was burned on the back of your eyelids. he says good night to you, his hand lingering on your knee just a moment too long, stopping you before you leave the car to press the sweetest kiss to your knuckles.

that moment plays over and over and over and over and over in your mind until your memory skips straight to it, like a favorite record overplayed until it crackles. it consumes you until you think you might just die, wrapped up in joshua’s sweet, seductive demeanor until you suffocate.

you kiss me, and it feels like the start of a movie i’ve seen before.

and when you finally kiss him for the first time—(when he kisses you for the first time)—you realize that you have never truly known what it meant to be loved, to be treated like you hung the stars and sculpted the moon, because joshua kisses you like it’s the last time he’ll ever get to kiss you, and he says your name, always with adoration and never in vain, and you realize that no pet name, no nickname, or term of endearment will ever amount to the way your name rolls off his tongue.

bed sheets, no clothes. touch me like nobody else does.

the first time joshua makes love to you, it’s not sweet like you had imagined it to be. it’s messy and clumsy, unabashed moans punctuated by snorts of laughter or awkward bodily sounds, but joshua is patient with you, and he’s attentive and passionate and you have never felt so much in so little time that by the time you two flop onto the bed, you’re completely spent and utterly devoted.

you quickly find out that joshua is hand-holding and whispered reassurance against skin, nails biting into thighs, teeth grazing against your throat.

your name has never sounded so heavenly before.

lovely to sit here between comfort and chaos.

after the first time joshua makes love to you, you lay on your back in the aftermath, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. the thoughts racing around in your head are crushing, spinning time into seconds eons long, until joshua finally asks what’s wrong? while stroking your cheek softly with his finger like he always does. and you open your mouth to say i think i love you because it’s the truth. he’s the first thing you think about when you wake up, he’s the person you run to when you’re sad, he’s the one that hung the stars and sculpted the moon. i love you.

except the thought is daunting and what if he doesn’t say it back? what if this isn’t as serious as you think it is? what if you spill your heart and he leaves you to clean up the mess?

so you close your mouth, shake your head with a small smile, and roll onto your side.

and it festers. it sits and rots and decays in your stomach for weeks, until one day you’re standing in his doorway—resolute, undaunted—and you open your mouth to say it—

but joshua beats you to it first, whispering i love you against your ear as you sway to soft jazz in the kitchen, and somehow those three words become more meaningful then they will ever be ever again, his hand warm and splayed against the small of your back, his voice in your ear as he hums something softly.

later, you realize it’s the song that was playing on the radio before he dropped you off at your house for the first time, all those years ago.

when you’re with joshua, time is infinite.

and it feels like the start of a movie I've seen before.

—

ot13 | masterlist

#shuacore thoughts #kpop #kpop imagines #seventeen #seventeen imagines #seventeen smut #seventeen fanfic #svt fluff #seventeen fluff #joshua #joshua hong #joshua x reader #please i have never wanted to scream sob so hard before i hate myself so bad rn LOLLLL

346 notes · View notes

martyrbat · 8 months

Text

batman: son of the demon

[ID: three panels of Bruce Wayne and Talia al Ghul being in love (and horny) for each other. In the first one, Bruce is in their luxurious bedroom for the first time and is awkwardly standing in his costume as Talia is behind a dressing screen and is changing into a white, satin négligée with lace detailing on it. She reminds him that they technically are married (and that she consented readily to it) but Bruce confesses, “I remember. But it's hard for me to consider that marriage real.” Talia emerges from behind the screen, looking as beautiful as ever as she walks up to him and eases his cowl off. She tells him, “Beloved, you give too much thought to what is ‘real,’ and what is not, to what is ‘true,’ and what is ‘false...’ I realize that is your way, but just this once, accept things as they are...” He strips himself of his clothes as they move to the bed—Talia laying on her back as he's between her legs. She continues to speak, “Forego your control, your discipline... just once, let yourself go... and take me with you.” Her arms slip around his neck as they kiss passionately.

The second panel is lineart of them against a white background. They look at each other lovingly, her hands reaching up to be on his shoulders as he holds her waist. The narration boxes read: ‘While still finding time to be a newlywed, a role in which he is quite unskilled... but—to his delight—quickly learns.’

In the third panel, several weeks have past. Bruce and Ra's al Ghul are walking before Talia interrupts and asks her beloved for a word. Bruce starts to ask if it can wait, due to him and Ra's discussing an important mission but she tells him it cannot. Ra's reassures, “Go, detective, we shall speak of this later.” Bruce and Talia pull away to talk in private, the background a beautiful, bright ombré of red and yellows. She has her arms up on his shoulders as he holds her waist and starts to ask, “Now, Talia, what's so impor—” but she quickly shares, “Beloved, I am with child.” Bruce starts to repeat her but Talia already confirms again, “I am pregnant.” She continues to look up at him, patiently waiting for his response as Bruce stares straight ahead, obviously in shock. He slowly repeats the words back to her in an attempt to register them, “You're... pregnant?” Before he suddenly beams! He pulls her into a tight, close embrace as he excitedly announces, “That's wonderful!” Talia smiles at him and says, “Isn't it?” Before her father can shake Bruce's hand with his own warm smile. Bruce still holds Talia's hand as Ra's tells him, “Detective, Dr. Weltmann could not keep this from me. My congratulations.” END ID]

#reading this comic is just going ‘awweee theyre so cute i hope nothing bad happens to them :)’#for 49 pages straight before something bad happens to them for the remaining 29 pages #screaming crying throwing up thinking about what could have been....#like....#theres so... so much....#‘i know that's how you are’ and asking him to just let go at least for one night #and the fact that he loves her enough to try again and again even if it can never last!!!!!!#they got to spent MONTHS as a couple!!! they slept together they fucked they had dinner they talked for hours they were in love and happy!!#he got to actually experience that life for a solid stretch of time and he goes on to say how happy he is for the first time in his life!#like its so hard to forget since its a comic and pacing but they were together like that for weeks!! months!#and then having it all ripped away??? having to give it up again???#both of them got that taste of happiness. of that life they can never have. both of them got to be in love and indulge #no gotham and those responsibilities. not torn between her father and bruce. no constant heartbreak....#they got to see and experience and feel the future theyre doomed to never share together. they were in love and happy and :(((#oh batman son of the demon... we're really in it now....#c: batman: son of the demon #crypt's panels #batman #bruce wayne #talia al ghul #brutalia #ra's al ghul

61 notes · View notes

runawaymun · 15 days

Text

#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags #cw personal #once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says #THEY don't #they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government??????????????#so there's still some kind of payment???#anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated #like will she take my insurance or not who's right here #anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now #why the hell is this so hard man #the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain #once again no one knows what they're talking about #like can y'all not communicate and figure this out?#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds #and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover #*contracted #not retyping all of that #and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim #and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart #and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that>#UGH #like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles #the bureaucracy is INSANE #i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second #and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on'#uGH #literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times #like not on the phone after I hung up obvs

14 notes · View notes

burnorgetburned · 1 year

Text

recent image reminded me again of something I noticed from Rebellion: how isolated Homura is.

This is her own fantasy world. It’s what she, in her deepest heart and dying moment, wants the most. Here she can make herself into the version that she wants to be: she can be Madoka’s best friend! The senior magical girl! The wise mentor figure that everyone finally listens to!

Homura can’t imagine herself being that, though.

Instead, she makes herself the transfer student - again. An outsider. The girls are already an experienced, established team by the time she even “arrives” in Mitakihara. They kindly invite this new magical girl into it. And she’s not the centerpiece of the team. She’s an extra power, useful to the other girls, but easily excluded if they feel like it.

That’s not the only time she secludes herself from them too. In the opening I can recall her doing this three times: once in that scene where it starts with Madoka and then adds the other girls, and they run around each other in dresses. She’s there standing at the end, waiting for all of them. The screen cuts away before any of them reach her in a way it doesn’t for the other girls, even though they do start to try and greet her. And then again while they’re all dancing and she’s kneeling on the ground.

Finally, there’s that long shot starting with the water and the drowned buildings, presumably from Walpurgisnacht. Mami and Sayaka are in a boat, and they smile at the “camera”. The camera rushes through them, and Kyoko turns around and smiles at the camera too. And, of course, it ends at Madoka, who reaches her hand towards the camera with a kind expression on her face.

We immediately cut to Madoka and Homura standing in an empty space, and it becomes apparent that Homura is the “camera”, not pausing to look at her friends smiling at her, but stopping to try and take Madoka’s hand. Only for Madoka to turn into dust. Because the person who is most kind to her, who again and again chooses to trust and care about her as we see in the series no matter how she acts - she’s not there anymore. She’s as good as dead. The other girls are kind, but they don’t reach out to her the same way Madoka does.

This is of course not their fault, because god knows their lives get harsh, but it doesn’t change the fact that Homura is just. Too traumatized and socially maladjusted to reach out first. Madoka gets through to her so easily because Madoka tries to see the best in her, so she gets past Homura’s awkward hairflips of anxiety that look really freaking arrogant to people who can’t read her and don’t have the motivation to try. She gets past Homura trying to use intimidation and Homura going quiet because she doesn’t know what to say, which, again, makes her look inscrutable and. just bad.

In the end of Rebellion, we see her going full throttle on the exclude herself part again. This time, consciously and intentionally. We see Mami walking to school, and Homura shattering a teacup. We see Kyoko try to share an apple with her Clara Dolls, and the apple dropping into the water, wasted. What do Mami and Kyoko use to befriend people in the series? Tea parties and sharing food. Homura has surely befriended/been befriended by those two plenty of times, since we see her achieve it with Kyoko and know immediately that she should eat the pocky given to her. So this is her, consciously, rejecting their friendship.

What hurts even more is the part with Kyoko. Why does Kyoko drop the apple? She sees the Clara Dolls waving at her, asking for one. Parts of Homura’s subconscious, asking for resources. She smiles and gives one over. Even before this, Kyoko was feeding some of Homura’s bird Familiars. When she drops the apple, though, we cut to a clear shot of Homura shaking her head while the apple floats.

The apple drops - into the water. The Clara Dolls are gone. Kyoko looks shocked. She couldn’t even keep feeding Homura’s birds. All of them fly away.

Homura’s subconscious asks for help. Homura sees help and shakes her head, rejecting it. Homura doesn’t let herself ask for help even when she desperately wants it (wanting it so desperately that her Familiars act it out even when she consciously tries to stop them). She’s already learned that asking for help doesn’t result in receiving help. After all, what has trying gotten her in other timelines? Disbelief. Anger. Confusion and hurt. Sometimes she gains allies (like in Kyoko), but most of the time even allies become unreliable. So she’s learned that she doesn’t know how to properly ask for help, and if she gets it, people will turn on her.

In the end, she finally has the power to address the root cause of their distrust. The Incubator, who primed other people to dislike her (something something “maybe she doesn’t want Madoka to contract because she’d be too powerful as a magical girl and she wants this territory :3”) and their resource shortage of the limited Grief Seeds, which made people fight by its own nature and eventually introduced the truth of Witches. But when others try to help her, she can’t accept it because she’s so primed to be afraid of it.

It’s part of the tragedy of Homura Akemi. She didn’t have the tools. She didn’t have the background to make connections without Madoka first reaching out to her in the 1st timeline. She didn’t have the social skills for convincing the other girls of hard truths of magical girl life. She could never make a support system strong enough to stop Mami from killing people in her despair (and I’d argue that even great social skills wouldn’t solve their resource shortage, so the best she could ever do is stop Mami from killing people. We see in other materials that Mami would often kill herself). She relied on Madoka for help with forging connections with other people, and when she got that help, she’d get so attached to everyone that it hurt her badly whenever they died. Whenever they learned the truth and it broke their hearts (she says explicitly that it hurt when Mami learned too much). It also must have hurt whenever she had to reset and then the other girls stopped caring about her.

The really awful part about the magical girl system is that grief - mundane, everyday emotional pain - starts to darken their Soul Gems. So when Homura makes friends and loses them, either to death or the loops, it darkens the Gem. Whenever she may try to learn social skills and inevitably fumbles, and the other girls interpret this as intentional, it also darkens the Gem. When she makes them her enemy. When she tries to drive Madoka away. When she’s isolated by the truth of everything. When Madoka Wishes to help other people - especially her. I would say that she can’t treat any loop as a practice ground because she’s too invested in Madoka, meaning that treating any one loop as disposable means treating that Madoka as disposable too, something that she obviously can’t accept. So she invests her all into every loop and loses, and it damages her even further.

On top of that, there’s a malicious immortal unending alien chucking everyone into deadly situations. There’s other magical girls who occasionally butt in (Oriko…). There’s timeline variance. There’s Walpurgisnacht. It becomes an unending tide of resource management except the resources are souls, friends, and her own emotional wellbeing. The failure state is a fate worse than death. The holding pattern is the endless loops, which does chip damage to her Soul Gem and already abysmal social skills by way of trauma anyway. She learns to keep this at bay by distancing herself. But in doing so, she does long-term damage and makes the other girls distrust her even more.

I honestly think there was no way in hell she was ever going to survive. Either she lost in the loops or she would lose afterwards. There was so, so much stacked against her. She learned all the reasonable ways to survive her loops which are absolutely the wrong things for her long-term health, but how could she think of the long term when the danger is right now? She learns to never rely on people (who by the way are fucking primed to oppose her… another post on that later) and all the wrong lessons for continuing on after the loops. When her crutches for surviving are knocked from under her, she doesn’t know what to do. She can’t freaking ask for a therapist, she’s a magical girl! She can’t rely on Kyoko and Mami when she has no evidence of what she went through! She seemed actually suicidal by the time of Rebellion, and I don’t think that it was her Witch talking. Or the needles puncturing her Soul Gem(?!?! Which more people should talk about? Holy shit).

This is why I genuinely think that both the anime ending and Rebellion’s ending are necessary for Homura’s story. A lot of people seem to think that Rebellion makes the anime ending useless, but I don’t think that at all. First, Witches are gone. This is a big one. Witches are genuinely the most isolating thing in the Incubator’s system, because the girls who know have to step on eggshells around girls who don’t know. Homura keeps this “Witches are gone” thing and only switches the Grief-collection system to using Incubators, which remove two of the many obstacles preventing the Quintet from wanting to help Homura. I doubt that Homura has the omnipresence to respond to every magical girl ever as they turn into a Witch because she is said to use her Familiars for gathering information, and her Familiars can’t be literally everywhere. That’s what Madoka’s Law of Cycles is for, and it’s something that Homura keeps. We also see that it’s possible for people (Madoka and Sayaka) to fully remember all of the timelines, and those shared experiences lead to understanding. Sympathy. Most importantly, less isolation.

If everyone regains all of their memories, could they see what Homura suffered through? Could they convince her that they can help? The resource shortage is gone. Witches are mostly gone. The Rebellion’s system is a system that allows all of them to grow. They stop being so utterly isolated. They can stop hurting each other. They can help.

#pmmm #puella magi madoka magica #homura akemi #pmmm analysis #madoka magica #pmmm rebellion #character analysis #please stop hurting each other please please please #i am once again sobbing about homura akemi #you tried so hard and yet never stood a chance.#i keep thinking about it.#evil. pure evil. kyubey is evil.#i don’t care if it doesn’t really understand. it doesn’t need to.#the sheer isolation that homura must have felt for so long is really killing me.#homura did nothing wrong #or at least #homura tried her best #that is honestly and truly what I believe. god i’m so emotional about her I needed to scream

135 notes · View notes