to love someone is to heal someone

is... is my 12 episode series about to have two distinct arcs...

i love how no one’s buying that chuuya’s gone lmao 

i don't feel like i have a purpose a large majority of the time because of my circumstances, but sometimes people will reach out to me, and i feel like my purpose is to hear them so they are less alone. i've been thinking about this a lot lately because there are people i connected with and listened to who abruptly i can no longer have contact with, and there is an indescribable hurt that goes with that, but i'm still not sorry i was here to listen to them at the time. i hope it helped a little. i hope there was some comfort there, even though paths had to diverge. i hope it's worth something. on the other hand, i've gotten the chance to speak to and hear from others, both longtime friends and new, seeking any succor that might exist, and that can't be anything but a blessing. that, to me, is chessed. maybe i don't know much, but what i do know is that offering loving-kindness is always the better way, and hearing someone who needs a sense of safety and understanding is never a mistake, it has significance. even if not for them, even if eventually they're not offering the same, it is significant for your own self, because you have created a bit of the good where before there was absence. and when it is reciprocal, you are igniting a small flame through the darkness together. one tiny light can kindle so many other lights. this is not a purpose that can be quantified or labeled or seen. still, it is a light.

2022 AMV Review

It's a bit late, but since I do yearly writing reviews, I thought it might be fun to do AMV reviews, now that I've started seriously editing with DaVinci Resolve.

This video collects a piece of every AMV I posted last year, from my very first Resolve AMV to the one I made right before my previous laptop broke completely. If I continue this in the future, I think I'd limit it to Top 10 or one per month, but since I only have 10 Resolve AMVs under my belt right now, it felt right to include all of them!

One of my biggest struggles with video editing—and with Creating in general—is doing Too Much, going way overboard and making things worse with the additional time and effort. It's a real struggle to cut back, but I think I'm slowly learning to limit my clip amount to make my videos (slightly) easier on the eyes.

But all that said, I've always admired AMVs but never felt like I could actually make them, so that I uploaded 10 in 2022 is amazing to me! I'm excited to start editing some more on my new laptop!

kinda tired of all these parent redemption arcs tbh. give chimney a gun

There ain't nothing Shera does that Lego Monkie Kid doesn't do better.

.

godddddd wasting time and energy on things that don't fucking matter has got to be THE worst feeling

winter 2024 first impressions: ishura

and so we ring in the new year with some beautiful doomed yuri that lasts only until a weird guy appear

typical

i picked this one up for the cast (romi park my beloved please arrive soon) and it's off to an alright start imo. the fight sequences were pretty good, visually, but the soundtrack didn't blow me away—and i really wish it did. the ost wasn't bad or anything, but if it had stood out more to me, i feel like it would have elevated the action scenes as a whole

the premise is remarkably simple so far, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. i often like simple, but it means the series will swim or sink based on its characters (who were mostly only namedropped towards the end of the first episode, so time will tell if they compel me)

one element of the worldbuilding i did like is there are these big mech type 'golems' facing off against humans, some of whom can use magic. exceedingly standard stuff

but then!

you see one of the golems using the same magic humans wield, which was a nice little twist i quite enjoyed. not sure if anything will become of that detail, since it seems like the series is shaping up to be more of a pvp battle royale than a pve humans vs golems type story

(side note this feels like it would make a pretty sick video game)

the weakest part of the first ep, to me, was the pacing. it just felt rushed, but that's mostly understandable since this ep was clearly just set-up for the 'main' plot. i feel like it might have benefited from being an hour-long episode, or maybe all this backstory would have felt more impactful if we saw it later, with the 'main' plot starting in medias res and circling back to this later? idk it wasn't The Worst, i just feel it (the pacing) could have been Better

also content warning for anyone who might need it: there was at least one instance of extremely graphic violence in this first ep, which i anticipate might continue through the series, so heads up on that

tl;dr it's fine so far

i was peacefully working a closing shift when i was struck by a horrible yet wonderful and supremely indulgent idea:

Danny Phantom x Voltron crossover

I'm finished finally I'm empty inside now lol. I wasn't as upset at the ending as I thought I would be, tbh i liked the whole Fitz building a dragon thing. I think the actual concept of Fitz being on the verge of death and instead pouring all of himself into a stone wolf and being joined by the Fool and Nighteyes is pretty good, it was sad but felt like an appropriate mirror to the first series and a tying up of all the times it was made clear that Fitz and the Fool fit together as one being.

The thing I didn't like is what happens leading up to that. Fitz and the Fool have sometimes done this thing before where they fight but then things are resolved due to extenuating circumstances forcing them back into trust and understanding rather than the two of them actually discussing things and coming to a new agreement. This has been like a minor annoyance to me previously but is usually not a huge deal as most major conflicts get real resolution. But i felt like in comparison to previous books their arguments were more bitter and targeted and loaded here, and deserved a full resolution. Instead we had them in conflict for the majority of the voyage from Kelsingra with no real closure to any of the issues they had because suddenly everything started happening and then Fitz was dead and dying and it wasn't an issue.

And the thing that like bites at me is that the exact same thing happens between the Fool and Bee--as soon as Fitz is gone she takes over his role in having this antagonistic and fraught relationship with the Fool but without any of the underlying love and affection that held Fitz and the Fool together despite their differences. I feel like there shouldve been an opportunity to hash out the stuff with Fitz and especially the stuff with Bee (even if it's just her and the Fool gaining a mutual understanding of their shared loss rather than her suddenly seeing him as a father which seems unrealistic). I feel like it made this book hard to read because there's all this tension tension tension in the interpersonal relationships that feels like it will build to something but the resolution, where there is any, is very sudden and all at the end.

And also just personally I feel like I enjoy things better when there's happy or hopeful moments interspersed with the tragic ones--the closest we got to that was with Bee Fitz and the Fool sitting together while they cleared out the bricked-up tunnel, but otherwise the downtime especially towards the end of this book felt either like periods of (as Nighteyes put it lol) boredom, or periods of depression between really sad things happening. Which turns things into a slog rather than highlighting all the sad and bittersweet moments that come later. And because I love him I also really just wanted the Fool to have at least one moment of happiness here and I don't think he even gets that much due to on a character level the constant conflict with Bee and Fitz and then just everything about the entire plot.

Overall I did like the like...raw building-block plot points to this book but I think it could've been more satisfying if it hadn't ground everybody down constantly--like you need a moment to breathe in order for sad things to have their full impact, and you need some hope or joy for things to qualify as bittersweet and I'm not totally sure we got there with this.

suddenly thinking about the oracle again... idk if she would be so friendly to lana, if we're being fr

currently having a queer identity crisis on this accursed holiday

Tattoo tattoo tattoo tattooo

Heads up, this is a somewhat depressing one (don't worry its not a cry for help or anything buried under there, just, depression), that's your warning, don't hit "keep reading" if you don't want to see that.

Well, when you can't summon up hope, and things are looking bleak and grim. You have to look at your options.

Can't die as that would hurt those around you immensely, can't hurt yourself as it wouldn't do any good and it would be the same, can't put yourself into a coma until its over as it wouldn't actually get any of it over, can't shutdown your brain or use substances to do it as it stops any processing and again wouldn't help, and all of the options would hurt those around you watching you destroy yourself. And you can't just stop existing, that's simply not an option, nor is it one anyone would want.

So, you've got no choice but to continue onwards. Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, can't skip it, have to go through it. You have no other option, that's all you can do, grit your teeth, weather the storm, and make changes and wait for it to get better. And it will.

god im tired, and im out of energy to fight right now, but thats ok, you cant be in constant battle, sometimes you need to take a step back, take a break, take some time. progress isnt perfectly straight upwards all the time, there will be backslides, there will be issues, there will be periods where it fucking sucks so god damn much, but it will still be better than it was before, thats progress.

no option but to go through it, no choice but to continue, that's all you can do, if you cant do it for yourself, regardless of if thats temporary or longstanding, then do it for someone or something else. please