Please re-blog to widen the data sample! I might use this for my statistics project at the end of the semester, and every answer is a great help :).

Please share in the tags what you picked and why if you're so inclined.

In honor of impmas 2024, I present to you good godfather sirius black and the one and only time I will ever write harry, ft. some groupchat crack treated seriously. happy birthday, @impishtubist!

“Where have you been?”

Harry jumps, the uncanny impersonation of Molly Weasley reverberating through the dusty rafters and black lacquer front hall of Grimmauld Place. Sirius smirks, grabs the lanky fifteen year-old by the scruff and pulls him into an all-encompassing hug.

“Didn’t half scare me, Sirius,” Harry grumbles into his chest, and there’s the whisper of an attempt to pull away, but his heart isn’t really in it. In any case, Sirius doesn’t let him go, just buries a grin into that mess of hair. Lemongrass shampoo and London grime.

“Serves you right, sneaking off in the middle of the night.”

“I wasn’t sneaking.”

“No? What time d’you call this, then?”

“A perfectly appropriate time of night to go for a walk,” his godson continues to grouse. “Needed to clear my head.” Only it doesn’t escape his notice that there hasn’t been another attempt to pull away. And he’s not wrong. It’s barely half eleven, only Harry’s at double risk on his own these days. If not Death Eaters or another bloody dementor, then the press who’ll hound him to the ends of the earth should they catch sight of the Boy Who Lied—fucking cunts—alone on walkabout without so much as his friends for a buffer. There’s a reason the Order’s got about ten layers of protocol surrounding his protection at all times. If it were anyone else who’d caught him slipping in through the front door, there’d be hell to pay.

Harry’s not stupid, though. Far from it, Sirius thinks, that old pride swelling in his chest. And he’s got James’s cloak for good measure, clutched in a hand that smells of hot concrete and pigeon shit.

Harry seems to sag against his chest, Sirius’s hand still wrapped around his nape. Summer sweat of a teenage boy on the brink of becoming a man.

“Knut for your thoughts?”

“M’fine.”

Liar.

These are the things, then. The little tells beyond the way Harry strains toward him like a houseplant yearning for the sun. It’s not the same as sniffing out smells—daffodils and murtlap essence and the endless putrid fecal stench of Azkaban—but it’s just as strong. Pheromones or some muggle toss like that, something he might ask Hermione Granger about if he remembers before she heads back off to school.

It’s something Sirius noticed a long time ago, the change that happened in fifth year when his own heightened senses were lent keener by the dog that now lived inside. He remembers that Prongs was bright and coppery like triumph when he stepped off the Quidditch pitch, or cinnamon-fresh like home. He remembers being sixteen, frustrated and hormonal and knowing he’d die on the spot if anyone caught him with his nose buried in Moony’s discarded trousers to see if there was anything there that might even hint he wasn’t alone in this.

And Harry…

Something sour signaling frustration. Harsh metallic that means fear. Beneath that, the sweet damp scent of hurt. Sirius can hardly blame him. Fuck Peter Pettigrew, if he ever gets out of this fucking godforsaken house arrest, Merline Maitland and the rest of her staff at the Prophet are at the very top of his hit list.

“Go to bed,” he tells him, pressing a kiss to his sweaty brow, one that smells of rubbish bins lining the streets for the morning to come.

Green eyes flick up, half shock. “Thought I’d get it in the neck.”

“Nah,” says Sirius, guiding him up the stairs. “Just let me know next time. Maybe Snuffles can come along, too.”

“Yeah,” says Harry, though they both know he won’t. Sirius doesn’t need to sniff that out to know. He still thinks he has to protect Sirius just as much as Sirius knows it's not his job to do it.

He’s a good boy, Prongs. Too good. He doesn’t deserve any of this.

And.

You’d be so bloody proud.

You are so correct. As someone else who is also chronically ill, I don't understand how fandom managed to take lycanthropy, a chronic illness, and turn it into something that makes you huge and strong and buff and horny. I can only conclude that none of these people have ever been ill in their lives, because that is NOT how it works.

Thank you!! It drives me insane the way this fandom pretends to be so progressive and subversive and yet the undertones are SO fucking ableist and comphet??? And yet I'm the one who is ableist for not vibing with the mainstream angry characterization of Remus (or so I have been told many, many times by Fanon Remus stans).

Lycanthropy in canon isn't the best chronic illness rep, but it has so much potential that we could expand on. Instead, fandom fetishized it. Remus' chronic illness gives him superpowers now and makes him huge and muscular with a cock to match. I just can't understand how so many people are blind to the blatant ableism in these headcanons.

Dearest Lynx, will you write a lil ficlet about Moony and the one werepuppy who will not listen?

anything for you, dearest imp <333 (finally getting to this)

***

Surely, it will be easier to communicate with the cubs as Moony, Remus thought.

He thought wrong.

Well, not completely wrong. It's easier to play and cuddle and engage in philosophical debates with them—little Quincy very much inherited his bookishness.

Lyra, on the other hand, is all Padfoot; it doesn't matter how well either of them can communicate with her because she simply refuses to listen.

Stay in the den? No thank you; she is going to explore. Moony spends the night picking her up by her scruff and depositing her back inside. When she finally gives up on this mission, she decides to wrestle poor Waffles, the runt of the litter.

Gentle parenting is a bit harder as a wolf. After several attempts to nudge her away from Waffles, Moony picks her up again and plops her down on the other side of the den.

Growing agitated, she yips and whines and lets out the most pathetic of howls. The other cubs start howling with her, though none of them have quite mastered the art yet. Padfoot helpfully joins in, egging them on.

Moony rolls his eyes and howls too. The cubs suddenly go silent, staring at him in wonder. Lyra wiggles excitedly and flops onto her back. This is it, he thinks, seizing the opportunity to pick the twigs out of her fur. I've earned her respect now.

Approximately seven minutes later, he finds her tearing the stuffing out of Aurora's favourite soft toy. Moony huffs out a most dramatic sigh. It's almost sunrise; he'll try again next moon.

Llama! How is pregnant omega remus doing today?

why thank you for asking, imp. i know you care very much about our pregnant man and he appreciates it.

let's see .... remus woke up very grumpy because he is so big now that he cannot roll on his side anymore and he hates being forced to sleep on his back. he also had a hard time getting up from lying down. sirius tried to help him which then led to remus telling him he's not an invalid and he can get up on his own thank you very much (he can't. sirius has to help him)

to make up for all the discomfort sirius's super sperm is causing him he makes him tea and a very elaborate english breakfast with extra pickles on the side and jam for the sausages (don't ask, he's been craving it) ((no eggs because they make him nauseous)). remus is a little less grumpy after that but then sirius sadly has to leave for work since he is doing a Very Important Job and has many Responsibilities (but not without saying goodbye to remus AND the baby)

remus is way too pregnant to work so he busies himself watching tv, reading, calling lily and asking her when this will all be finally over, going to pee every five minutes and still peeing in his pants a little bit when he sits down, and nesting. so far almost every inch of their home is covered in pillows and blankets and stuffed animals and the pantry and kitchen are close to bursting at the seams with all the food he's been hoarding (mostly canned so it doesn't expire quickly) and so much formula they could feed ten babies even if the world ended tomorrow (you never know what could happen okay??? he needs to be prepared!!!!! the baby must eat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

the rest of the day he sits in his comfy nest, eats, and misses sirius terribly and texts him a lot until he finally comes home and remus can bury his face in his neck. he complains to him about his aching back and his swollen feet (sirius gives him a feet massage and then a blowjob) and that he looks like an airballoon (sirius tells him he's beautiful and lets him sit on his knot). and then he goes to bed early :))))

saturday snippet

ty for the tags @strugglequill and @spindrifters 💕 i've got something from my good omens chaos fic with @impishtubist to share

Kew Gardens, London, 1947 “Didn’t know they could grow like this indoors,” Crowley muses, craning his head to admire the aerial roots pothos snaking in an arch over the conservatory path. Funny how humans are; they’d gone to all that trouble to shut every tiny bit of nature away, then decided to bring it into their homes anyway.   “Oh yes,” Aziraphale replies. “They can become quite abundant really, with the right conditions.” Crowley glances round to see Aziraphale leaning over the flowerbed to marvel at a ripe tomato. His eyes linger on the way Aziraphale’s trousers pull tightly over his plump ass, unusually visible with the exchange of his long coat for a summer cardigan, and a familiar frisson of frustrated hunger radiates through him. Crowley snaps his fingers, and a stem of the pothos breaks off and falls down into his outstretched palm. “Crowley!” Aziraphale admonishes, standing up to glare at him. “You can’t steal the plants!” “It’s a cutting, angel, it’ll grow back,” Crowley says easily. “That’s not the point! It’s not yours to take!” “Ahh, but it’s part of God’s beautiful creation, isn’t it? Here for us all to enjoy.” Aziraphale purses his lips. “But - but you’ve tarnished it.” “I’m a demon,” Crowley purrs. “Tarnishing is what I do.” He holds Aziraphale’s gaze determinedly, watching for the predictable flare in his eyes. It's nothing, it means nothing - or at least it doesn't mean he feels anything like what Crowley does. It's just their little game. Aziraphale bites back a smile, then looks away. He quickly miracles the plant a new stem, gives Crowley a smug look, and continues on down through the green house. Crowley’s all set to toss the cutting away, but his interfering heart clenches at the wastefulness of something so beautiful. The light catching on its curved leaf, illuminating the veins within it and casting an… ethereal green glow. He miracles up a clear vase when he gets home and carefully places the stem inside it, filling it up with water and setting it in front of the big window in his atrium. He hauls open the thick curtains hiding his home from the world, throwing his hand up to his eyes with a hiss at the sudden onslaught of sun. When he regains his sight, he can see the light dappling off the cutting and creating a tiny rainbow in the water.  Crowley frowns. “You better grow into something nice, after all this trouble,” he glowers.

tagging @elder-millennial-trash @tracingpatternswrites @perigilpin and @carlav-blogs if they've got anything to share with the class 😘

Hi tell me more about leather daddy Alphard Black and boy toy Fleamont Potter 👀

Eep Imp in my ask box 🫣

Okay so this started because I imply that Uncle Alphard was an OG leather daddy type back in the day my r/s big bang fic The Homecoming of Sirius Black

@emeryhall read it, and as a New Yorker completely agreed with the characterization of Alphard as queer leather daddy on the scene in the West Village in the 80s. And isn't that a great headcanon for Sirius? That he gets his long hair and rebellious streak and leather jacket and motorcycle from his queer elder?

And, as Emery is Queen of Crack Smut, ofc she jumped right to "okay how do we write leather daddy Alphard who do we ship him with??" and I was like obvi Fleamont Potter like tie that man up.

And because I love poly smut we go with the angle that Euphemia "loans him out" to Alphard for some "enrichment activity" if you will. Like father like son and those Potter boys need A LOT of stimulation.

So. Thoughts?

just silly doodle

You’re in luck— I am bored and sick and would love to chat :D

Various conversation topic options GO—

a) what do you think about the fact that Jay, potentially with amnesia, has been likely spending the last several YEARS in the Realm of Madness? You know, the place where Garmadon went to get multiple arms? The place that does funky things to your mind and body?

b) What are your thoughts on an AU where Jay, who knew about Zane’s S11 vision because he wakes him up because Cole’s winning video games, realizes Aspheera is gonna blast him and grabs the staff while shoving Zane away (aka taking his place in the Neverrealm)?

c) What are your thoughts on an AU where movie!Blue, who is nothing but insecurities and anxiety, accidentally winds up with Master Chen’s evil magic staff of power that preys on insecurities and anxieties to corrupt it’s holder?

IMP! I'm so sorry this has taken me so long to respond to. My ask box was glitched for the longest time so anything I tried to answer would only let me type a single word per line, so I had to wait until it got fixed somehow, but here we are!

a) I can tell you right now what body parts I would want multiplied-

ANYWAY I highly doubt they'll play into any of that part of the Realm of Madness, but I do think they're going to play with some other aspects! I think it's been pretty well established by now that writers play fast and loose with any lore introduced in s1, so I wouldn't expect very much. I'm sure that Jay's going to off his rocker and I'm so excited to see it!

b) I LOVE THAT IDEA FOR AN AU! But I would want to know more about how the whole Vex thing would work in that context, and if the timeskip would still happen. The whole reason that Vex was able to manipulate Zane was because his short-term memory got reset, but that wouldn't happen to Jay. So would he just be a traveler? Maybe holing up in the village? Who knows! But I would definitely be down to learn more!

c) Blue is Bizarro Jay, right? Please forgive me if not! If he is, then I think that might be really cool! Admittedly I have very little knowledge of the Bizarros and I've never really given them much thought, so this is new territory for me. Does the existence of movie!Blue mean that there's four Jays? I'm not really sure how that works but if you would be willing to explain I would be more than happy to listen.

WHAT WAS HE GOING TO SAY. WHAT WAS HE GOING TO SAY! WHAT WAS HE-

Sun Wukong: "Kid—new armor isn't going to cut it! We have to hit Azure with everything we've got! You can't just, ignore this whole part of your power because it scares you!"

MK: "I-"

-

LITERALLY WHAT. WHAT WAS IT. MK HONEY SWEETIE DARLING WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO TELL WUKONG HERE

fic where peter is james' sidepiece/mistress until he snaps and finally realizes james is never actually going to leave lily, leading to his betraying the potters to voldemort

Hello, it's AMA with heartofspells! Tell me about a universe where Sirius survives OOTP. How do the rest of the books unfold with Sirius alive? (And beyond, if you want!)

Hmm, is that what this is? Yeah, okay. AMA with Holli, everyone! Come one, come all! Except I'm not that interesting.

BUT then here's Imp, starting things off with a bang and making me use my brain. That's a bit evil and I love it.

Let's just pick up after the DoM battle, shall we? Sirius survives (duh, no other universe exists), he's cleared of all charges after a bit of struggle, but he was there fighting against those he was suspected of aiding, so there's not much denial at play. No Order of Merlin, though, because the Ministry are salty bastards and he's still alive. They don't care.

Skip ahead to right before the summer. Free and clear, Sirius leaves Grimmauld Place (good riddance, too many bad memories now, as though there weren't before) and he returns to Remus' little cottage surrounded by woods, fresh air, loads of room to roam and run. They set up a room for Harry, and then Sirius begins his battle with Dumbledore, the one he never got to truly have all those years ago. Harry is his, belongs with Sirius, a right bestowed onto him by his best friends. Legally, there's nothing Dumbledore can do. The only power he has at play is the blood protection, but Sirius only scoffs at that. Harry's coming home.

He spends one day, only one, with the Dursleys, Padfoot present the entire time. And of course Sirius doesn't have to be the dog, but it's more fun that way, though he does take his chance when Vernon becomes particularly enraged over something to shift back to himself, very intimidating, causing the man to choke on his own tongue.

Now, clever as Sirius is, as well as Remus, they connect a few dots based on what they've learned about Harry being linked with Voldemort. Dumbledore is keeping secrets, he always has, so as the summer progresses, Sirius and Remus work around him, do their own research about what could link a two people together, wand reactions, really looking into that night in Godric's Hallow and what happened to destroy Voldemort as he once was. And Sirius, with access to centuries of Black family tomes filled with the darkest of things, figures it out, consults a few others, somewhat experts, before setting to work.

While Harry is at school, constantly in contact with his two loving and attentive parents, attending to studies and finally, hopefully, feeling like the teenager he's meant to be, Sirius and Remus begin hunting down the Horcruxes themselves. They use their own contacts for the research they need, track down those that had interacted with Riddle and survived, learn whatever secrets he hadn't managed to bury. They find them all, every last one, gaining the ring before Dumbledore can, no curse there to set Draco's path into motion, squashing it before it starts. No reason for Dumbledore to act out of panic and begin showing Harry the memories relating to the Horcruxes. They take them back to their home, ward a clearing in the woods until it's safe, destroy them with Fiendfyre, Sirius understanding just how volatile it can be, how carefully it must be cast, how clear a person's head should be before doing so. And he does it all for Harry. For Harry and for Lily and for James.

It takes a long time, just the two of them working at it, fear clawing at them if the wrong person finds out, relays it back to Dumbledore. But they're not finished yet, the worst still to come. It's nearly the end of Harry's seventh year, NEWTs fast approaching, Harry exactly where he belongs, not traipsing all over the country, living rough, but warm in his bed every night. They've still been looking into that night when everything finally fell apart beneath their feet, sorting out the pieces, puzzling them together until they finally form the answer.

Harry is a Horcrux.

Now look, I could go into a lot of detail here and try to fix all the issues that are RIFE in canon, but I will not. Harry's a Horcrux, but they can't kill him, Sirius would never, wouldn't even risk it. So they corner Voldemort, blast him with the Killing Curse, trap his maimed soul, bury him in a cement block at the bottom of the North Sea (near where Sirius had spent SO MANY wasted years) and live happily ever after.

Harry lives his life, does as he pleases, roams a bit without a master, free to do as he wishes with his best godfather in full support of his choices. Remus gets to live a comfortable life with Sirius, working as he pleases, surrounding himself with books and whatever else he likes, and Sirius goes into training to be a Healer. He and Remus have an entire litter of babies with their big brother Harry always around to spoil them senseless until he's got his own kids to be rightfully spoiled by their grandfathers Moony and Padfoot (Moony always has chocolate in his pocket, but shhhh don't tell Harry)(he knows). They all grow old and lazy and Sirius finds that he really enjoys comfortable slippers with rabbit ears very much.

THE END

happy birthday @impishtubist! what better way to celebrate impmas than with werepuppies!

"Do you think they'll be scared of me?"

It's such a ridiculous question that only the slight break in Remus's voice keeps Sirius from laughing. He cups his face, thumbs pressed to the hollows of his cheeks.

"Of course not. You'll finally be able to communicate with them, Moons. Quincy is so smart already, and Pip has your sense of humour, and Lyra... well maybe Moony can get through to her."

This wrings a weary chuckle from Remus, but the ever-deepening crease in his brow remains.

"Hey. Stop that. It's going to be fine. Better than fine."

He helps Remus unbutton his shirt and gives his waist a teasing squeeze before going to check on the puppies. They've been agitated as of late, likely sensitive to their Da's nearing transformation.

They whine and yelp as it begins, and he turns into Padfoot to reassure them that everything is fine. It's then that he notices something strange: Vulcan's wiry, black fur is becoming lighter and fluffier. Aurora's floppy ears are now pointed. Quincy's curious eyes are lighter, glowing.

Their puppies are turning into wolf cubs. Fortunately, it doesn't seem to be nearly as painful as Remus's transformation. Still, it tugs at his heart to hear Waffles's broken whimpers as his tiny body stretches ever so slightly larger.

Padfoot attempts to nudge them into a pile, but Lyra and Vulcan scramble away from him, running straight towards Moony.

The newly transformed cubs stare in awe at the massive wolf standing in place of their Da. Pip and Quincy tap their paws excitedly. Aurora flops onto her back. Waffles lets out a nervous fart.

Comically Remus-like in his expression, Moony attempts to make himself as small and unintimidating as possible.

Not in the least intimidated, Lyra jumps up, nipping at his muzzle. He picks her up by the scruff and delicately deposits her next to her siblings.

Padfoot licks Moony in welcome, nuzzling his cheek. Then, in a stroke of mischief, signals for the cubs to tackle him. Even Lyra obeys enthusiastically, and the six cubs pounce in unison, leaving their Da flailing. After a moment, Padfoot joins in, wrestling away the more energetic cubs so Moony can have a chance to bond with the others.

It's going to be a good night, he decides, this unexpected twist making it all the better.

And then it occurs to him that one day he'll be wrangling seven full-grown wolves.

Okay we are back on the omega Remus agenda: I think that Remus would absolutely exploit the hell out of having a rich husband (and Sirius would happily let him of course). I think that for every baby, Remus demands a bigger and more extravagant push present, and rich alpha Sirius is sooooooooooo happy to indulge him.

YESSSS WE ARE BACK ON THE OMEGA REMUS AGENDA!!! Starting the year off right!!

Yes, absolutely! Because what’s the point in marrying rich if not to get spoiled with extravagant presents? And what’s the point of having money if not to spend it on your husband?? (Plus spending it on his werewolf husband will have Sirius’s family turning in their graves)

I had to look up what push presents are but YES!! Remus just gave birth and he does make sure Sirius is very aware of the fact and to remind him of all the pain he's been through because of Sirius's stupid super sperm. And Sirius will take absolutely every opportunity to spoil his omega and thank him for all the babies he gives him. He probably starts off with stuff such as a gold necklace with their baby’s names engraved on them. Then on top of the increasingly expensive jewelry with real diamonds that get increasingly bigger, he adds an unlimited spa membership to make up for all the pain and discomfort, a jacuzzi in their backyard, a new house, a second house on the Maldives and not to forget many many orgasms, etc etc the list goes on.

another day in the cursed trio household

me: I’m paralysed with anxiety somebody whack me with a hammer or something

imp: for every minute you don't do the thing I'm taking an inch off of remus’s height

imp: he’s 5’7 now

Hello I am here to formally request a Jegulus arranged marriage drabble or ficlet or fic from you, please and thank you :)

*opens new scrivener doc*