the capital building in Madison was so fun

official middle age alert

I watched the Frontline documentary on Lee Harvey Oswald while munching on breaded cheese curds from Costco and I HAD A GREAT TIME I TELL YOU WHAT

Never ever gotten into any Kennedy conspiracies ever, like was only aware of the historical stuff through the lens of civil rights and organizing. And I gotta say, I can see why there’s a decades-old verrry lucrative conspiracy machine cause this story is CRAZYPANTS OMG  I was only fifteen min into the doc and i was almost laughing because it was so ludicrous. Of course people are still analyzing this stuff; you can absolutely and convincingly argue Second Gunman, or Manchurian candidate, or the Babushka, or five trillion different kind of CIA fuckery. I think I’m giddy about it because this feels like the Mom-version of Dad World War Two hobbies, and you don’t know me but THIS ISN’T ME. I’ve obviously got covid/climate brain worms because it’s such fun escapism, like genuinely having a good time with this shit. I’m a little embarrassed about it, so i gotta do an internet confession lol

Since my state, Georgia, is having the annual Peaches to Beaches event which is two days of statewide yard sales, I thought it would be interesting to show how America, the states, and any other countries wanting to participate both 1p and 2p would be during this event. So here you go!

Georgia is happily selling fresh produce like boiled peanuts and Vidalia onions and peach-based deserts. Her homemade peach cobbler and ice cream are to die for!

Antonio (Spain) also sells many fresh tomatoes, olives, and other vegetables. He doesn't understand why no one wants his Olive Juice though.

Hawaii and Alaska make a killing selling lemonade at their stand with a free complimentary handmade flower crown with every purchase. While using their sheer cuteness to attract everyone including one of those sweet biker gangs. It's really surreal to see a huge gang of buff, tattooed, tough-looking guys in leather wearing flower crowns and drinking lemonade. Allen's also there to supervise and ward of creep. Also, to provide people more 'incentive' to buy their lemonade.

Texas breaks out the Texas BBQ and is in a Barbecuing turf war with Jett (Australia). They draw huge crowds for the five-alarm chili as well and hold a competition who can eat the most without burning out their tongues and/or passing out.

Florida sells some of the weirdest stuff you'll ever see. "Want a full-scale model of a gator made entirely out of bottle caps? Only ten bucks! Want a portrait of Florida Man painted with orange juice? 15 bucks!"

Nevada also tries to sell weird and sketchy stuff to scam everyone. "This piece is the genuine article folks! One napkin gently used by Elvis Presley himself! Just 500 bucks! Also, gets into a haggling war with Lars (Netherlands). Somewhere Alfred's dad instincts go off and he reminds himself to ground Nevada.

California, Oregon, and Washington collaborate and California sells anything vegan or made with avocadoes and the autographs of Hollywood stars, Oregon sells his old tye-dyed shirts and records, they also made him sell his old groovy hippy bus from the sixties he'd never got rid of no one knew they had. Oregon can be a bit of a hoarder, so they had to tie him to a chair and gag him because he wouldn't surrender the bus without a fight. Washington also tries to sell and drink cups of coffee, but in the hot Southern heat, this doesn't end well.

Louisiana sells anything Cajun-style from frog legs to fresh gumbo, to beignets. Also has a full collection of Mardi Gras masks and shrunken voodoo heads on sale for two bucks a pop.

Gilbert (Prussia) gets tricked by Nevada and gets a ton of stupid things he doesn't need. Ludwig (Germany) tries unsuccessfully to keep him on a metaphorical leash.

Ludwig always checks the quality of things he sees and buys dog toys and supplies for Blackie, Berlitz, and Astor. Later, he actually buys a kiddie leash for Gilbert.

All the while Lutz (2p! Germany) is asleep in a lawn chair with his hat on his face after drinking like six cold beers from this really good booth. All the while, Klaus (2p! Prussia) finds an antique Teutonic Knights flag from a vendor whose family was from Germany.

Vash (Switzerland) buys antique guns from Alabama and Roderich (Austria) also checks out some of Tennessee's guitars. He's horrified upon seeing Alabama's banjo and washboard.

Mathew (Canada) and Emma (Belgium) combine their powers and tag team to sell the best pancakes and waffles on earth with genuine Canadian maple syrup.

New York sells tons of baseball memorabilia and collectibles. Allen, trying to save his bad-boy image, tries to be discreet when buying some while taking Hawaii and Alaska around to get something with their lemonade money. James also gets some hockey memorabilia with Michigan and Minnesota who also got snow cones.

Alaska and Hawaii see a giant deluxe dollhouse but are almost in tears when they don't have enough money. But they end up getting it for free because no one can resist their weaponized puppy dog eyes. Also, no one can resist a growling Allen. Using the leftover money, they buy cute little rainbow umbrella hats for everyone and have Allen wear one who begrudgingly accepts it.

James, walking by with an armful hockey gear and flannel shirts, bursts out laughing when he sees this. In revenge, Allen forces him to wear one too and help him carry the dollhouse, much to Hawaii and Alaska's delight! "I said go my way puck head!" "No, it's my way, you vegan loving hoser!" A passing Francis (France)' is in stylish horror when they also make him and a nonchalant Luis (2p! France), holding a case of vintage wines, wear them too. Hawaii and Alaska go around giving umbrella hats to everyone including a sleeping Lutz they pass by.

Loving (Romano) practically has to supervise Feliciano (Italy) and keep him from buying anything too stupid on impulse or get scammed. They still end up with stacks upon stacks of cookbooks, kitchen wear, and a Mona Lisa made entirely out of Macaroni. They also get umbrella hats.

Flavio (2p! Romano) browses through clothing racks to get ideas for his vintage line. Also checks out the handmade fabrics like quilts. "Such craftsmanship! This pattern is so unique and chic! I simply must have it! What's your price Bella?" The nice old woman selling the quilt just smiles, "Oh just about five dollars young man." "Perfect!" Flavio hands the quilts off to Andreas (2p! Spain) who's practically buried underneath the fabric. Luciano (2p! Italy) facepalms while holding a new knife set in its case. "Oooh! Look at those adorable hats I just have to have one." Cue three more umbrella hats and a humiliated Luciano. "Just kill me now..."

Katyusha (Ukraine), Elizaveta (Hungary), Lillie (Liechtenstein), Natalya, (Belarus), Katya( 2p! Ukraine) and Anastasia (2p! Belarus), and Michelle (Seychelles) explore with armfuls of clothes, new ribbons, and a gun case for Switzerland (Lillie), cast iron frying pans (Elizaveta, watch out Prussia!), farm tools (Katyusha), Jewelry and unmentionables (Katya), dresses (Anastasia), an assortment of switchblades (Natalya), and one of those singing fish on a plague (Michelle). It's definitely an interesting group.

Kiku (Japan) and Kuro (2p! Japan) find a nerd booth selling comics, manga, and Japanese weapons like katanas. Kuro test swings a blade and tries to slice the table so hard it breaks the blade, "Hmmm, not sharp enough for me, got anything else?" He throws it on the pile of broken blades he's already tested. Kiku stockpiles on limited-edition manga and he and the vendor end up getting into a huge, heated by Kiku standards, debate on who's waifu is best. Further down, Alfred reads every Marvel/DC comic while keeping an ear out on every state's location. He checks on Texas via his glasses and notices he's beating Australia in the chili contest. "That's my boy!"

Wisconsin wearing a cheese head sells anything cheese-based. He's got cheddar, goat cheese, string cheese, cheese spray, gorgonzola, grilled cheese, cheese curds, Mac n' Cheese, cheese sculptures of all world monuments, you name it he's got it! He also starts a war with Iowa's corn dishes and Idaho's potato dishes. They eventually end up flinging cheese, potatoes, and corn after they start dissing each other's foods. "Take this cheese brain!" "Nice aim, I-da-ho!" "I told you not to call me that!" "I'm gonna go children of the corn on y'all's behinds!" Poor Nebraska is stuck in the middle.

Alfred (America) hears the commotion and using his parent radar, immediately knows who it is and reminds himself to ground Iowa, Wisconsin, and Idaho later along with Nevada who, though still grounded for sure, makes him feel a little proud of since he managed to out haggle Netherlands.

New Mexico and Arizona also sell Native American handicrafts along with things like dreamcatchers and giant inflatable aliens. While Delaware, being the boring stick in the mud that he is, walks by with a framed and complete U.S. quarter collection from a vendor.

Kansas sells out of every sunflower she had courtesy of Ivan (Russia). Ivan and her the team up to buy out every sunflower seed from here to kingdom come. Viktor (2p! Russia) buys all the vodka he can find and a new shovel while Xiao (2p! China) tries giving people tattoos for 10 bucks a pop.

He tries to convince Yao (China) to get a hello kitty one to match the giant plushie he's holding, with the encouragement of Leon (Hong Kong) and Yong Soo (South Korea) who all collectively agree he needs to quit being such a grandpa. They also like calling him an antique-like the items on sale. " Aiyah! I'm not that old, aru!" "Yeah, you are Sensei." "Don't deny it! Da Ze!" Respect your elders!" "Tattoos originated in Korea da ze!" He totally is that old.

Oliver (2p! England) holds a bake sale and has people lined up for blocks to get some. Arthur (England), after having his scones shut down after it poisoned some unlucky squirrels, fries selling authentic magical items like unicorn hair or pixie dust. Everyone thinks he's a little crazy but he did sell a good bit of old magic books he needed to get out of his house, after making sure no one could actually use them of course.

The Nordics also went perusing for antique and handmade furniture when Mathias (Denmark) spots two full sets of Viking costumes and tries to get Lukas (Norway) to try them on with him. Lukas wasn't amused.

Berwald (Sweden) and Tino (Finland) also find a great handmade table to get after inspecting the workmanship and a full Lego set for Peter (Sealand), now if only Mathias would stop squealing like a little kid at the full piece lego death star. Emil (Iceland) keeps thinking he's the mature one until he spots a mini top hat and cane for Mr. Puffin.

In the end, everyone ends up wearing umbrella hats courtesy of Hawaii and Alaska, loving all the strange things they bought or counting the profits they made. Alfred (America) is proud of his kids and visits everyone one of their stands. He ends up looking pretty funny with an umbrella hat (HW, AK), a washboard, (AL),a picture of Florida Man, (FL), a balloon alien (NM, AZ), a tye dye shirt (CA, WA, OR), hockey stick shaped glasses (MN, MI), a giant stack of comics with a replica Thor hammer and Captain America shield on his back, all in a shopping cart (NV), and a giant turkey leg in his hand (Tx). Unsurprisingly, it was a tie between Oliver, Texas, and Australia for who earned the most with their food. Georgia just smiled as this was another great year for her state and people!

The Great Akatsuki Bake-Off

*this was a request in my inbox, I’m so sorry Anonymous I accidentally deleted it before I could reply, but I saw your message and here’s the response! ❤️*

Premise: The Akatsuki is broke af (again), and Pein comes up with the idea of having a bake sale to earn money. Every member of the Akatsuki makes a dessert to sell; chaos (or hilarity) ensues.

**Also I picture them setting up tables outside of one of the Akatsuki hideout caves which of course is equipped with a fully functioning kitchen because why not Jim**

Pein

It was his idea, he’s the leader, so naturally he ain’t cooking. The most the Pein-body will do is sit in the kitchen with Konan while she cooks, offering his opinion or praise.

Kisame

Kisame isn’t the biggest fan of sweets, so is at a bit of a loss for what to make. In the end, he decides to go with something that’s decidedly more savory than sweet; bacon-flavored scones with a maple syrup glazing. This requires some kneading and precise shaping, the latter of which requires small, delicate fingers that Kisame borrows Konan for. Should be noted that he wears a pink Kiss The Cook apron, and he blushes like crazy when Konan reads it and delivers one to his cheek. He gets a bit over-exuberant with the icing, getting more of it on the table than the actual scones. However, the end result is light, fluffy, and absolutely delicious. Deidara especially loves the bacon aspect, and is able to snitch a great number of these until Kakuzu catches him and forces him to pay up.

Deidara

Deidara would make a classic lava cake. He’d know absolutely nothing about this dessert beforehand; he’d be going through a cookbook, his eyes would fixate on the word “lava”, and he’d be sold. Sasori insists that he put on rubber gloves beforehand, because “Nobody wants your hand-drool in their food, brat.” Lava cake requires a very delicate touch and precise timing, something that Deidara has had to become familiar with when deploying his arsenal of bombs. Yet despite being careful he would have to start and re-start this mix many times; maybe he gets eggshells in the batter here, or mistakes oil for milk there. The inside of a lava cake has to smooth and liquid-y but the outside has to be soft yet firm; a single minute in the oven can make the difference between wonderful and awful for these little cakes. When he finally perfects one, he’s ecstatic; but the rest of the group is horrified, at how destroyed the kitchen is. Chocolate batter and powdered sugar covering every wall; yet, somehow, the guy himself remains spotless. Also, Deidara has made another critical error; he assumed that because the recipe was for a cake, it was for a LARGE cake that he could cut into sections and sell piece by piece. However, lava cakes are always small, individual desserts ... and Deidara has only made ONE. Still, he’ll take his one beauty and sell it almost immediately, leaving him time to wander around and filch “free samples” from everyone else’s dishes.

Zetsu

Nobody wants Zetsu trying to cook, because everyone is terrified of what he’d put into his creations. However, White Zetsu insists that (t)he(y) wants to participate, so the others hesitantly let him do so (with everyone periodically coming in to monitor him). His contribution? Pie. Zetsu knows that the key to delicious pie is in the light flakiness of the crust, and he creates several pies that literally melt in the mouth. And he doesn’t just do one flavor; he does apple, blueberry, cherry, and something he calls “surprise berry” ((which is really just a mix of raspberry, blackberry, and strawberry). Before Tobi goes to help Itachi, he’s in charge of helping Zetsu gather up the fruit, and he helps to peel and core and pit and wash until “my hands are really sleepy Zetsu-san!” Zetsu thinks his pies are perfect creations as a whole but Kakuzu insists he cuts them into individual slices to maximize profits, which White Zetsu balks over but Black Zetsu tells him to be quiet about.

Konan

Konan is a delicate, beautiful flower, so naturally anything she makes would reflect this. After much deliberation, she decides to make her version of a layered lemon mascarpone cake. The cake itself is a wonderfully moist vanilla sponge infused with lemon curd, layered with a thick lemon, honey and mascarpone cream, topped with fresh berries, and a light sprinkle of chopped pecans. At first she was only going to make one cake and portion it out into about 20 small pieces; but the demand for it was so high that Kakuzu told her he’d stay and sell the rest while she got back into the kitchen and made another. She’s by far the neatest chef in the kitchen, as she cleans up her mess as she goes so when she’s through, all she has to wash is the empty cake pan itself. She makes sure to save a large piece to secretly take to Nagato later; it’s been a long time since he’s had anything sweet to eat.

Kakuzu

Kakuzu doesn’t want to cook; he’d rather be the one running the sale. However he recognizes that the more desserts they have the more profit they can make, so he grudgingly makes a few trays of brownies. His secret ingredient? Sour cream. At first everyone sees him putting this into his mix and think he’s gone crazy; however, after they try one ((and don’t think for a second he’s not charging his fellow teammates for even a tiny sliver)) they’re blown away by how good they are. After he sets his items on the table, he’s the one who collects the money from the customers. Has to be talked down from the exorbitant prices that he tries to charge people at first. “How much for a piece of blueberry pie?” “500,000 ¥.”

Sasori

He really isn’t into baking (because why would he be? he doesn’t eat) but he knows how to read and follow a recipe. After some careful thought, he chooses to make cupcakes. At first he resolves only to make a dozen, and to keep it all one simple flavor: the chocolate with vanilla frosting that’s in the recipe. Yet as he stands there, a feeling takes hold of him; he remembers happier times, perched on a stool in the kitchen and watching/helping his grandmother as she cooked. That nostalgia drives him to get more creative, and make MUCH more than intended. Some of his creations are great; such as his ginger-chocolate cupcakes with fudge icing. But others, like his broccoli and carrot cake topped with “spicy” cream cheese, not so much. Regardless, the majority of his creations sell, which Sasori’s pleased about. Should be noted that Kakuzu did not entirely trust Sasori not to put some kind of poison into his dessert, so he forced Hidan to sneak and taste-test everything (as he’s the only one who would regenerate from certain death). But Hidan wouldn’t know arsenic from cinnamon; and he winds up with a hell of a stomach-ache after his forced culinary servitude.

Itachi and Tobi

Seeing as how he loves dango so much, Itachi decides to make several dozen sticks of the tri-colored sweet rice dumplings. He keeps the pink dumpling the common strawberry flavor, and the white plain, but he does something special with the green ball, flavoring it with vanilla extract and green tea. Because Tobi is a nightmare in the kitchen (and because he needs supervision when it comes to sweets), Itachi allows him to help, mainly in the form of sticking the dumplings neatly on the stick once they’re shaped. He’s a good helper, except for when Itachi takes his eyes off of him, as he likes to add icing, sprinkles, and a variety of decadent extras that don’t belong on this simple dessert. And it’s a good thing that Itachi makes so many, seeing as they BOTH sneak and eat quite a few when the other is distracted. Tobi is very helpful when it comes to pushing their wares, as his carefree, childlike demeanor attracts customers to their table.

Hidan

Hidan wants something that’s visually representative of him, so what does he make? Red velvet cake bars. The outside is covered with a white-silver frosting, but when you cut into it, the deep red of the cake greatly resembles blood. Hidan isn’t the best at baking (or cooking in general) so he asks Konan to help him when she’s not occupied with her own dish. He’s surprisingly calm and conscientious in the kitchen, keeping his swearing to a minimum and being extra-careful with measuring out ingredients and waiting on the oven to do its thing. He borrows Kisame’s Kiss The Cook apron, only he crosses out the second O and replaces it with a C. His bars come out slightly uneven but really good nonetheless. However, being Hidan, he can’t resist throwing in a prank; he saves some of the cake batter and holds it in his mouth, then, after taking a bite of someone else’s fare, claims that it’s poisoned and spits “blood” out of his mouth, which freaks out their early customers until Kakuzu catches him and exiles him back inside.

Demon’s Daughter: 02

Hey guys! I made a twitter for my stories (@ LilnomeStories) where all polls will be held from now on! Don’t forget I also have a Patreon and a ko-fi now, the links to which are in my bio. Here we go!

Part 1

The same day at lunch, Marinette had just exited the classroom after everyone else had left when she was accosted by a figure dressed in all black. She stumbled back a step, barely catching her balance. She managed to look up at the figure, only to squeal when she saw who it was, and eagerly return the hug.

“Uncle John!” She cried when he picked her up and swung her about. John was not the man’s real name, but a nom de plume he used to blend with the humans. The full name was John Therapon, and he was listed as one of her legal guardians (she had a lot).

“Little Mari!” He shouted, setting her down. He was an odd looking man, with waist length platinum hair in a warrior braid and green eyes like poison, he would always draw attention. He only drew more with his fashion sense. Her Uncle wore a long black trench coat over black skinny jeans and a black button up, with a clunky looking wallet chain. He also wore a thick chain-link necklace and heavy motorcycle boots. Over all, he looked like someone’s goth/emo/punk cousin more than an ancient immortal being who reaped souls.

“Are you the one Dad said was coming to check on me?” She asked, stepping back and adjusting her buns, which had come loose when he had glomped her.

“Indeed, I am, little chaos bringer!” He twirled her around and bowed low, pressing a kiss to her hand. “And for your birthday, I have a very special surprise!” He reached into his coat and pulled out a small business card, presenting it to her with a flourish, and she giggled as she took it.

Turn around!

It read. Marinette spun on the spot and looked up, only to scream in delight.

“DAD!” She flung herself at the tall, slim figure. Sebastian caught his daughter, wrapping her in a tight hug.

“Hello, dearest.” He smiled, flashing his eyes magenta. She flashed hers as well, making them shine a darker shade of gray.

“I thought you were in India, visiting Uncle Agni?” She asked, stepping back.

“A simple deception, dearest. Now, let’s go pick up your mother and Papa, I made reservations at Raven’s Writing Desk.” Marinette cheered. Raven’s Writing Desk was a Michelin-starred restaurant. The owner’s father had made a questionable deal with Sebastian (ten years of life and a successful business, then Sebastian got to eat his soul), so the family got reservations for the best tables and half off whatever they wanted. “We’ll even have some others joining us.” Sebastian teased, patting her head. Right as they reached the sidewalk, a crash echoed from a few miles away, and a plume of smoke filled the air. “Oh dear. It looks like we’ll all have to call and reschedule our reservation. You go handle this, dearest. I’ll go catch up with your mother and Papa.” She sighed, kissed her father on the cheek, and ducked into an alleyway, opening her purse. Plagg zoomed out with a sigh.

“Ooh! Raven’s Writing Desk! I love their cheese curds! Let’s finish this.”

“Agreed.” She grumbled. “Plagg, Claws Out!”

X0X0X

Hell-Cat raced over the rooftops, soaring through the air. The pads in the shape of a cat’s paw on the bottom of her boots silenced her steps, meaning she was a silent black and silver streak, soaring through the air. She landed in a crouch next to her partner and confidant, Coccinelle. Coccinelle nodded at her, twirling her yoyo in front of her as a shield.

Coccinelle’s costume was very different from Hell Cat’s. While Hell Cat wore a black body suit with silver highlights and a pair of pauldrons, Coccinelle wore a short red dress coated in ladybug spots and black leggings. Hell Cat’s boots reached her knees, while her partners went maybe an inch above her ankle. Whereas Coccinelle’s gloves were plain black and only went to her wrists, Hell Cat’s had wickedly sharp silver talons and reached her elbows, where they came to a point.

Even their masks were different. Coccinelle’s was round, and made her blue eyes look huge, while Hell Cat’s was slim and came to wicked looking points on each side of her eyes, making her look more feline. Another feature of Hell Cat’s mask was the magic that made her entire eye gray, the iris a few shades darker than the sclera. While Coccinelle had long, flowy ash blonde hair, Hell Cat’s, when transformed, barely reached her shoulders, and had a blue sheen. While Coccinelle was bright and colorful, Hell Cat was sharp monochrome. The only splash of color was the blue bow around her neck that tied in the front. Lots of small children tended to ask Coccinelle if she was a fairy, since she had wings (They were the tail ends of the scarf she wore) while teens and young adults tended to gravitate towards Hell Cat.

The Akuma was flinging a series of items at them, which all bounced off Coccinelle’s yoyo. The common theme seemed to be car repair. Hell Cat glanced at her partner.

“What’s the plan?” She asked.

“The Akuma is in his utility belt. I distract, you slash, I swing. From there, clear skies! Ready?” Coccinelle asked. Hell Cat nodded and crouched down, her ribbon tail flicking behind her. She waited until the Akuma reached for yet another projectile and Coccinelle began to monologue before diving at him, claws extended to their fullest. She slashed the belt as soared past the Akuma, who quickly dropped to his knees. As the dark magic bubbled from his skin, Coccinelle landed in front of him and captured the butterfly.

“No more rainy days for you, little akuma! Au revior!” She released the now-purified butterfly, and waved to the cheering people. “Kitty, can you handle the victim?” Coccinelle asked, reholstering her yoyo on her belt.

“Sure, I didn’t use my powers, so I’ve got a few minutes.” Coccinelle waved to the watching civilians and ran off, leaping to the roof of the nearest building with the help of her wings. Hell Cat sheathed her claws and knelt beside the victim; a young man dressed in a repair shop jumpsuit that was covered in grease stains.

“Hell Cat? Was I…?” The young man asked, staring at her.

“I’m afraid so, monsieur. May I ask why?” She set a hand on the man’s shoulder and guided him over to a nearby ambulance. The paramedic handed her a shock blanket and she wrapped it around his shoulders, as the other paramedic handed the victim a glass of water.

“My family repair shop isn’t doing so good.” He sighed. “My mom was diagnosed with cancer three years ago, and Dad remortgaged the shop so that he could still support the family and pay for Mom’s nurse. Now, we’re pretty successful, so we almost have it payed off.” He growled, clearly frustrated. “Except some big shot at the bank is demanding the remaining twenty-five-thousand euros in a month, or they foreclose the damn shop.” Hell Cat hissed. The bakery was the most successful in all Paris, maybe even France, and they catered a great deal of important events. Even during the busiest time of year, they would struggle to make that much, let alone have that much that didn’t need to go to other bills and buying ingredients. She had an idea.

“What bank is it, and who’s the one demanding the payment?” She asked, plotting. She did need to make another deal soon; her reserves were getting a little low.

“Um…Monsieur Gerard Lilac, at Goliath Banking. Curse his name!” No one asked why she needed the information. Everyone in Paris knew, if you had a problem, Hell Cat could solve it. No one knew how, just that she made problems (and occasionally people) disappear.

“Hell Cat!” Someone cried, and she looked up to see Alya charging towards her. This was yet another problem with Alya. She never considered the victims, just the next scoop. Hell Cat stood and blocked her view of the victim, and nodded to the paramedics. The two nodded back and hustled the man into the ambulance, quickly flipping on the lights and driving towards the nearest hospital. All Akuma victims got three one-hour therapy sessions, one right after being cleansed and then one each week for two weeks.

“Yes, mademoiselle?” She asked, crossing her arms.

“Why was the victim Akumatized? What will you be doing to help them? Do you intend to use this to track Hawkmoth? Do you have a statement for the press?” Her phone was inches from Hell Cat’s face. Hell Cat’s ears were pinned back, and she was really trying not to hiss. How she was ever friends with the girl she’d never know.

“Mademoiselle, the reason for Akumatization is never leaked to the press. We use every attack to track Hawkmoth. And the only statement I have for you is to get your phone out of my face before I break it, along with your hand. Goodbye.” She drew her staff and extended it, vaulting away. 

Jar of Rebuke Episode 4 Unofficial Transcript

Season 1 Episode 4: Green Claw

INTRO

The following audio recording is classified documentation for Case [audio distortion] with the Enclosure. Unauthorized access to this information will lead to immediate intervention. Progress further if proper clearance has been given.

JARED

Today sucked. [eating ice cream] It didn't start bad, I mean it actually started pretty good. I have so much ice cream in my freezer, all from the Royal Cow. Anytime I die I eat a whole pint to soothe the stress. This one's butter pecan. I changed into my PJs. I haven't even showered yet. I'm freezing, even with this blanket around me I'm shivering. Ugh, but yeah no, um, it started well, really well. I spent the afternoon with Darius by the river. It's a bit too chilly to go swimming now, but it was nice for a walk and a little picnic. He brought some food that he'd learned to cook in his classes and some apple ale that his dads made, and plenty of water bottles of course. We sat and just talked for a while. He'd picked me up from my place in his truck and drove us out there. He'd seemed a bit nervous for the first portion of the relatively short drive, but he loosened up after we talked a bit more. First about the weather, then about how his folks had been, and then just conversation flowed from one topic to the next. [eats more ice cream] Once by the river we uh, we set up the picnic out on the grass near the water and then we cracked into the food. He made various finger foods for us to eat like pigs in a blanket and fried cheese curds. I have no idea how early he woke up to make all of it but it was all delicious. That and the apple ale was the most soul-pleasing lunch that I could ask for. We sat together and watched the river flow by, shared jokes and stories. It was actually nice to smile that much.

[shivers, eats more ice cream] It was great, you know? Then we packed up the blanket and the food containers and we took it all back to his truck. Then we went for a walk along the river. There's a nice little path through the grass and the trees. Lots of kids bike round there during the warmer months, but we pretty much had it to ourselves the whole walk. The thing about that part of the river though is that there's a creature rumored to lurk in the water that's been known to drag people down into the depths. Usually parents use it as a story to warn, you know, their kids to steer away from the waters and going swimming alone. I've personally never seen anything out there, but I know for a fact that we have files on something living in that water. Darius and I didn't talk about it though. We had a bunch of other things to talk about. [whispered] Oh god. [eats more ice cream] Yeah so we talked about how work’s been for both of us, and also what we've been up to outside of work. Which on my end wasn't exactly much. So he did a good portion of the talking on that front.

We walked pretty close together. He asked a few times if I was chilly and he even offered me his jacket at one point. I had my own jacket on, but it was nice just walking together. I declined his offer but thanked him. But gave him a little playful nudge about how he would also be cold if he gave me his jacket. And I'm so damn cold. But this ice cream is my ritual. So about after an hour of walking he asked if he could ask me something pretty serious. It was a big tone shift in conversation, and I told him sure. Before he could even ask, his phone started ringing in his pocket. It was one of his dads asking him to come home. Some incident on the farm, everything was fine, but they really needed all hands on deck. It sounded pretty urgent. Darius looked a bit annoyed, but I told him that it was okay. He offered to drive me home but his dad had sounded a bit frantic. I told him that I could call someone to come pick me up, I wanted to walk a bit more anyways. We stared at each other for a moment, he even took a step towards me, I wasn't sure what he had planned to do but then he just took off his jacket and wrapped it around me, then jogged back off towards his truck. “Tell to your folks I say hi!” was the last thing I said as I watched him drive off. His jacket smelled really nice.

To be honest I had no idea who I was going to call, but I did want to walk some more so I did. I zipped up his jacket that was a bit too big for me and continued on down the path. He's always worn jackets that are probably about two sizes too big for him. He always seems comfortable but it just made it quite big on me. As I walked along the river, something pulled my attention out over the water. I saw something that looked like hands struggling and some splashing, like someone was trying to get out. Like someone was drowning. So without thinking I ran and threw myself into the water. Like an idiot. I lost another pair of glasses. No one would be swimming this time of year and I knew that there's something out in that river that's inhuman, but I still dove in to save whoever was struggling! Ugh, I literally knew better! But no…

The water was pretty calm, but cold as hell already. It actually stung when I jumped in. It wasn't a hard swim to get out there, to where I'd seen the struggling happening, besides all the layers that I was wearing anyways. But when I got out there I didn't feel anything. I went above the water and looked around and there was nothing to see. I went underwater and felt around again, and nothing. At least for a few moments anyway. I went up above water to take in a breath and enough time had passed for me to realize that again, I'd been duped. Before I could even turn back towards land, I felt something grab my ankle and pull me under. Literally all I could say was “damn it!” before that thing snagged me. Not my first time being yanked into a lake or a river or whatever, but it's still hard to resist breathing in a bunch of water on my way down. The grip of my ankle was tight, like three strong fingers. It felt like it had plush, something almost furry, but definitely a clawed hand. Once fully under the really cold water, I tried to take in what was around me as I struggled, but all I could see in front of me was some green blur with a line of what I assume were sharp teeth smiling at me. That was when I heard a voice come out in a bubbly haze, but in my head I could understand every word that was said to me.

RIVER MONSTER

It's been a while since I've caught anything.

JARED

I.. I don't know how I knew that that's what it said, but I just wanted to get away. I always feel off for days if my body has to reform anything, so being eaten especially sucks. I tried kicking at the grip, but then the hands moved from my ankle to actually hold my arms so that they could... I don't know, so that the creature could look at my face? And then they asked-

RIVER MONSTER

You're not afraid? You don't fight the same way most do. No screams, not even trying to breathe anymore. [evil laugh]

JARED

And then they laughed at me. It was almost worse being laughed at than held under the water, though my lungs did start to hurt from not being able to breathe. I must have sneered or something, I don't know, but I just heard another laugh.

RIVER MONSTER

Do you even know fear?

JARED

That struck me as weird, but uh... it made me think. Like I'm not afraid of death. I'm more afraid of surprise parties and saying the wrong thing in conversation than I am of death. Death sucks, but I've gotten used to it. I struggled more. I got a few good kicks in. I reached up towards the surface, anything that I could do to get free. After my last run-in with the mud mermaids I didn't feel like drowning again. But no matter how much I struggled, I wasn't strong enough. My heart was pounding as I tried to fight the urge to breathe in water. The mocking became less in my focus but it was still there. I still remember how the voice sounded so clear!

RIVER MONSTER

So curious... such determination. Such desperation. Yet no attempted screaming. This isn't your first time, huh? But I've never seen you before.

JARED

I got pulled back down a bit further, as if the creature was trying to take a closer look at me. The closer I got, the blurrier the creature got, which wasn't hard considering you can't see very clearly underwater. At that point, everything was sore and I was feeling lightheaded. I let out the air that I had been holding in since it felt like that my head was gonna burst, and on reflex I almost inhaled a huge gulp of water. But I clamped my mouth shut just in time. But it got really difficult towards the end there. It was so cold, yet so much of me burned because I just wanted to breathe.

RIVER MONSTER

What if I just let go? Would you make it to the surface in time?

JARED

A different kind of teasing, and it sucked nonetheless. Like a cat toying with its prey, and just like a cat that's just how some of these creatures are. Humans have a propensity to know better, but for some of these creatures it's just in their nature. I can't really fault them for that. Besides I was food. I had just hoped that if I was gonna die, at least I'd go unconscious before I became supper. That was about the breaking point, though. My mouth involuntarily opened and my body tried gasping for air. But there was no air. If I thought my lungs had burned before, no. That water made them burn far, far worse. All I remember after that was thrashing and burning and it became impossible to fight anymore and then... nothing.

[eats more ice cream] I don't know if the creature ate anything, but my clothes were pretty much still intact. When I woke up and I didn't see any new scars, so I guess not. I have no idea why the creature didn't just commit. Asshole. I woke up on the riverbank, coughed up a bunch of water when I woke up, and gods! Everything still ached for a bit. It didn't last long, once I got the water out of my system, but it was still very unpleasant. I was freezing because my clothes were still soaking wet, but the most frustrating thing was that since I went downstream, I was even further from home. I must have only been out of commission for an hour or so, considering that no one had found my body and since it was well lit, I assumed that not much time had passed. I’m always scared that someone's gonna find my body before I wake up. Now that would be awkward for me and traumatizing for them. Anyways I got up and started walking along the river. Really just trying to find my phone. After a little while I did eventually find it, still on the edge of the path from where I jumped in. My fingers were so pruney from all that time in the water and I was shivering with all the soaked layers, but I picked up my phone and checked the time. No new messages, no missed calls, nothing besides a very low battery. It's kind of sad. What if I had died, died. When would people even notice? But it was like the universe wanted to give me something. Because then and there I got a text from Darius apologizing for having to leave so quickly. He asked if I'd gotten home but I told him half the truth. Still walking, heading home soon. And before I could call anyone, my phone died. I was trying to figure out who I could come to get me, I went to call Amir, and just then my phone shut off. I felt mocked.

So then I walked all the way home in soaked clothes, and the fall air did not help. I didn't want to be out after dark so I made sure to keep a good pace, shivering and swearing under my breath most of the way home. It may not have been a long drive, but it took me hours to walk home. And now here I am. I still smell the river water, I still have some weird green handprints on my ankle from where the creature first grabbed me, but no new scars. At least none that I've noticed. I tossed the wet clothes into my washing machine and just started my post-death ritual before recording. Getting at the ice cream and wrapping myself in blankets. I don't care if I'm freezing. Ice cream is my ritual, I am sticking to it. My phone is finally charged enough to turn it back on, and um, oh shoot. A few missed messages, all from Darius. He'd asked if I'd found someone to come get me, and then another message of him offering to come get me if I couldn't find anyone, and then another message asking if I'd gotten home, each like an hour apart. Oh man, I worried him. I gotta text him back hold on. “I'm so sorry I'm home. Phone died. Had an amazing time with you today. Hope everything's settled down on your end.”

It would be so nice to be honest, but what would I say? “Hey sorry, I drowned and died and then had to walk home and soaking wet clothes in the cold after my phone also died!” Best case scenario, if he believed me, he'd probably feel so guilty. But more likely than not, he wouldn't believe me. I mean most people just don't, they... they don't just walk off death. It's starting to rain again, so at least I beat that home, I guess. Just a light drizzle but I'm already cold enough as it is. And I know that I should report this incident to the Enclosure. but honestly? I don't really feel like meddling further. That creature was minding their own business anyways, why should I just drive other scientists to the river? I mean if it was so obviously deadly, then Todd would just send me again. I'm not looking forward to a round two. Because of my abilities I actually get most of the orders directly from Todd himself instead of from the higher ups in the lab that I work in, like most of the other scientists do. A bit of a special case, I guess, one that I'm not particularly thrilled about, honestly. But, whatever. It's a stable job, and it's good money, so I don't complain all that much. I might not tell anyone about this. I don't want to deal with all the trouble that I'm gonna have to deal with if I do. Not like Todd would be the most empathetic about the matter, and Dr. Rahal would probably worry more than necessary. I don't think that he really emotionally processes that I come back when I die. Then, of course, I can't really talk to anyone outside of the Enclosure, I guess. I could reach out to Dr. Lomax? They were always a great listener and I don't really see them much anymore. I've been thinking about seeing if they want to meet up and, I don't know, grab a bite to eat, catch up? And I have no clue what their schedule is like anymore. I don't really have friends to spend time with, so maybe I should change that. I'm gonna go finish this ice cream before it melts and then I'm gonna go take a hot shower and get into some warmer clothes. I might call Darius later and see how he's doing, make sure that everything's all right on his end. Also I'm definitely requesting some time off, even a weekend would be nice. I know I've got some paid time off built up, so i'll look into using some of that here soon just to recoup. Not like I've ever really taken a vacation before or anything. I mean all I could really do is just lounge around my house but right now that doesn't sound all that bad. But first, ice cream, then shower. This has been Dr. Jared Hel, signing off.

OUTRO

Jar of Rebuke is written and produced by Casper Oliver, who is also the voice of Dr. Jared Hel. The River Monster was played by Jason Larock. The intro is read by Vanessa Rosengrant, and credits are read by Ashley Craft, who has created the podcast official graphics. Music was created by Luke Menniss, spelled m-e-n-n-i-s-s, who you can find and support on Bandcamp, Spotify and Twitch. Find us on Twitter, Instagram and anywhere else you get your podcast fix for more Jar of Rebuke and also to get updates on upcoming official merch for our show. Support projects by this crew on Patreon to further other queer-lead projects and get neat perks. All donations are appreciated and will grant further clearance to special Jar of Rebuke content. You can also make one-time donations on Ko-fi. And special thanks to our patreon supporters Becky Thompson, Perry Bruns, and Tristan Fraud.

The Whole Ass Fic A.K.A ClockWork Is Paying At Least One Person Hush Money

Vlad’s dumbest plot yet leads to a grade A gravy bowl of a dumb reveal. Danny’s class feels left out, Wes is literally left out, and ClockWork is forcing me to not leave them out at gunpoint.

Now that y’all have voted, I present to you, the Whole Ass Fic

Danny was having a nice day, he honest to the Core was. But then a blue portal half fucking blinded him, a startled Mr. Lancer accidentally threw a whiteboard marker into his eye, and Dash finally succeeded in hitting him -in the eye of all places, ugh- with a spitball. All of this followed by a -probably not quiet- mutter of, “ClockWork end me”. In short, he had already filled his quota for ocular trauma today.

But looking to the front as a -very not cheesetastic- certain someone stops monologuing, he’s experiencing a-whole-ass-nother kind of ocular trauma.

Danny gets up from his desk and slowly walks up to the front, eyes filled with disappointment and the residual energy of his three breakfast Red Bulls, “okay, so you’re telling me-”, Danny gestures erratically to Vlad, who's tied up on the floor and in ghost form, “-that you overshadowed ClockWork-”, gesturing even more erratically at ClockWork -who’s just sitting on a desk and inspecting their nails- but Danny maintains wide-eyed eye-contact with Vlad instead of attempting down the rabbit hole of why ClockWork is still here. Glaring at floor Vlad harder, somehow, “-so you could travel to the future, to team up with your future self and bring him back here-”, Danny points both hands at the floor a bit aggressively, “-so you could tag-team pulverise a teenager-”.

While Vlad rolls his eyes, not even slightly apologetic or willing to admit that throwing fists with teens being his number one past time was arguably pathetic. Danny gestures at the future Vlad, who’s glaring bloody murder at normal timeline floor Vlad, “-but said future you instead assaulted ClockWork”, facepalming and muttering into his hand, “least I know this future you really is you, being enough up his own ass to even consider attempting to do that”, looking back to floor Vlad, “so you used ClockWork’s powers at random and just came back to this timeline?”.

Kwan adds in, “through the ceiling”.

ClockWork smirks, “he got quite lucky in that regard. Not quite luck though”, Danny sighs exasperatedly at ClockWork when they wink with a smirk. Anything involving ClockWork required a lack of luck, not a wealth of it; that, or making a collection of the stupidest decisions you’ve ever made. Considering floor Vlad’s state of looking like an extra for a truly terrible Vampire BDSM film, Danny’s going with the latter.  

Floor Vlad manages to spit out his gag, “well they somehow tossed me out of their body immediately after! I mean the audacity! And this Cheesehead-”, jerkily attempting to nod or point at the scruffy-looking future Vlad, “-gets more pissed and assaults me, ME! Instead of you”.

Future Vlad kicks him and snarls, “it’s been two years in this timeline! TWO! I stopped with the stupid fiddlediddling after six months!”, turning his head to the side and mumbling, “sure everyone close to him had to die first, but that’s a moot point”.

Dash snorts, “why would a ghost even want to assault Fentit. And wait, what? People died?”.

Danny meanwhile, throws his hands out to the side, “of course that happened!”, then gesturing towards ClockWork, “you can’t overshadow ClockWork, that’s not even possible! They literally had to have allowed you to”, actually turning to glare slightly at ClockWork, “why, I haven’t a shot-glass of pennies close to a clue”. Danny then blinks and slowly looks at the future Vlad, his words finally registering; while Danny also simultaneously massacres his last brain cell, “wait....you’re that Vlad? As in the one that technically murdered me? The one that sort of caused the near extinction of humanity and ghosts? The one that basically saw the big red ‘DO NOT PUSH, THIS IS A STUPID IDEA’ button, slammed your fist on it, and activated the apocalypse? The one that stabbed past me when I tried to fix the future? Sure I requested it, but ya still did it”.

Mr. Lancer, who had been progressively going more wide-eyed, “Crime and Punishment?!?!?! I mean, go off I guess”.

While Danny scratches his head nonchalantly, muttering more to himself, “also the one that gave me any faith in past you ever being capable of being good”.

Floor Vlad sputters, wiggling in his bindings like a worm, “how is murdering you what it takes to make you have even an ounce of faith in me?!?”, floor Vlad looks to future Vlad, “you can’t judge me, you fudge-bucket of a hypocrite”.

Danny rolls his eyes and snorts, “that’s not even pot calling kettle black, that’s a wad of chewed gum calling a fork an unchewed stick of gum, and actually expecting that insult to stick”. Danny then squints and turns to ClockWork, “wait”, pointing emphatically at future Vlad, “how does he even exist?!?!? That future was literally destroyed?!?”.

Future Vlad squints at him, looking affronted, “you mean you destroyed my existence too?!?”.

Danny turns to him and waves his hands around wildly, “THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU UNRAVEL TEN YEARS OF TIME! THOSE THINGS AND PEOPLE GO POOF!”.

ClockWork sticks up a finger, “that’s not how time works”.

Danny and both Vlads’ turn to them, both Danny and future Vlad pointing aggressively, “YOU STAY OUT OF THIS! THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU!”.  

Nathan mutters, “or the rest of the class apparently”.

ClockWork smirks, “pretty sure the author disagrees on that one”. Everyone squints at them but goes back to bickering. Future Vlad points a little aggressively at Danny, “you were just supposed to fix the past! Not obliterate me!”.

Danny throws his hands up, “sacrifices had to be made! That’s what good guys do!”, gesturing at floor Vlad, “plus! You’re still here! And still A CRAZED UP FRUITLOOPY DICK!”.

Floor Vlad, looking a bit insulted, “language my boy”. Danny just looks down at him and knocks one of the desks on him; some kids water bottle -who the heck uses glass water bottles? Seriously?- smashing apart all over his face.  

Future Vlad pinches his nose and gestures at floor Vlad, looking at Danny, “that’s because he hasn’t been horribly traumatised....yet”.

Floor Vlad sputters, “yet?”, before scrunching up his face and licking his cheek, “is this vodka?”.

Future Vlad glares down at him, “you don’t know suffering”, getting into floor Vlad’s face a little and shaking his finger violently, “you don’t know the meaning of the word”, while Danny mutters, “neither do you, by the way”, future Vlad keeps talking, “and you really think you can collect all these stupid cheese curd plots and not turn yourself into curdled milk?”.

Floor Vlad rolls his eyes, “says the murderer”.

Danny rolls his eyes almost in sync with floor Vlad’s eye-roll, “oh like you haven’t killed anyone”.

Mr. Lancer coughs, “um? There are other people here you know. And some of us don’t appreciate casually talking about murder at-”, glancing at his watch, “-nine a.m. in the morning”.

Floor Vlad glances at him, “no one but us and dear Maddie qualify as people”.

Danny sputters incredulously while ClockWork points at floor Vlad, “and that is not how classifications of species and words work”. No one so much as acknowledges the arguably most power-being ever this time.

Floor Vlad looks back to future Vlad, “and Daniel’s the one that messes everything up. Not me!”, glaring at Danny and muttering, “I would have had a perfectly viable clone otherwise”.

Future Vlad shakes his head and gestures aggressively, “you cloned him?!?!?!”, throwing his hands up and walking around, “this me’s insane! Wonderful!”.

Valerie snickers into her hand, “I want to get involved but...”, before gaping and sputtering incoherently to herself about Dani.

Danny snorts, “you hadn’t already figured that out when he decided to abduct and control the body of the dude who controls time itself and oversees everyone’s futures. A literal living legend and basically a god?”, shrugging and sounding nonchalant, “and yeah, technically we have a kid now. My genetics, but Vlad made her. So technically, we’re both her parents”, kicking floor Vlad, “I should sue you for child support”.

ClockWork nods, “and you would win actually”.  

Danny looks tickled green, while floor Vlad shouts dramatically, “WHAT!?!?!?”. Future Vlad is just walking in a circle throwing his hands out randomly and making faces.

Dash mutters, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but, the damn twinks life would make a great soap opera”. ClockWork smirks ever so slightly at this.

Floor Vlad screws up his face and wiggles in the bindings some before squinting at Danny, “wait a biscuit buttering second, how do you even know about the ghost from the clocktower?”, sputtering and squirming, “how do you know their name?!? Even I didn’t! And you know their powers! Daniel what in the name of Gouda?!?”.

Danny deadpans, “oh don’t you use that tone with me, mister. You’re not my father”. While ClockWork smirks, “my name was actually the first thing he said, you just conveniently ignored that for plot purposes”.

Danny just speaks right over them and gestures at ClockWork, “and of course I do! They’re my Time Daddy!”.

Everyone goes silent immediately and you could hear a pin drop. Instead, a different voice breaks the silence, “wow! Didn’t know you had another dad, son!”.

Both halfas and the ex-halfa turn slowly and look at the doorway, where one Jack Fenton is standing and munching on fudge like he’s engrossed in an intense tv show.

Danny blinks and sputters, “how long have you been there?”.

ClockWork smirks, “since almost the beginning of this fic”. Danny glances at them, “that doesn’t make sense”. ClockWork shrugs, “well the audience might appreciate knowing, and I aim to please”.

Danny speaks thick with enough sarcasm to kill a lesser being twice over, and as if to prove this point floor Vlad starts hacking like someone force-fed him nails, “oH yEaH tHiS hAs BeEn A rEeEeEaAaAaLlLlL pLeAsUrE”, before squinting, “...what audience?”.

Star slams her face into her desk, “oh my Zone, seriously?”.

While Jack pipes up, “since Danno repeated vampire Vlad’s story back to everyone with so much disbelief I really couldn’t bring myself to interrupt”, standing and practically throwing the plate of fudge -having forgotten he even had it- when he throws his hands out to the side.

Mr. Lancer sighs and speaks as the fudge slowly smears down the classroom wall, “this was not in my job description, but thanks for the reminder why I don’t moonlight as a babysitter anymore”.

Jack, sounding way too happy for this situation and oddly not looking angry or even bothered, “and I’ve never heard my boy so passionate before!”, tapping his chin and looking at the two Vlads’, “though I do have to say. What the fuck is wrong with you V-man”.

Danny grumbles, “welcome to the life of having a half-ghost, who’s three nuts short of a fruitcake, that wants to aggressively be your uncle and/or father”, before sputtering incoherently over his dad swearing.

Jack tilts his head, looking like a confused puppy, “but, I’m your dad?”, quirking an eyebrow at ClockWork, “one of your dads?”. ClockWork looks like they just got blessed by a god... a god other than themselves anyway.

While Danny stares down at the floor unsure if he should feel deep horror or boyish wonder. Muttering, “did I just result in ClockWork getting adopted into my family through arguably convoluted and highly illogical means?”.  

ClockWork makes a face that is the closest thing to insulted Danny’s actually seen on their face, “it was my belief we were already kin”.

Danny sputters and waves his hands around erratically, trying desperately to back-pedal, “what, I, er, no, I mean yes! Yes! Totally fam!”.

Valerie can’t help but let out her inner gossip rich girl mode, “ooooooooooo, someone’s in trooooouuuubbbbllllleeee”.

Floor Vlad sputters in utter disbelief, it was he that was supposed to be gaining new family members here! Not that oversized puff pastry! “This, that, THIS IS NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO GO!”.

Future Vlad blinks at Jack, “why are you not freaking out over the ghosts?”.

Star sighs, “are they really just ignoring that none of us have been freaking out?”.

Jack shrugs, “one’s tied up and the other gave me fudge”. Floor Vlad just shrieks in frustration and disbelief. While Danny gives a dramatic thumbs up to ClockWork, even going so far as to use a little ecto-energy to make his thumb sparkle like some anime bullshit.

Future Vlad kicks floor Vlad but speaks to Jack, “well if it’s anything, I’m not a ghost or half of one”.

Multiple people mutter, “half ghosts are a thing?”, while Valerie grins like a loon.

Floor Vlad shrieking, “WHAT?!?!?!”.

Future Vlad looks down at him but points at Danny, “he ripped out and ate Plasmius”.

Mr. Lancer grimaces and has to physically restrain himself from assaulting Kwan when he actually sticks his hand up and asks, “what’d that taste like? You know, for reasons”. No one’s honestly surprised at this point, when the bickering guys’ just act like the entire class are just extras added in after the main plot was established and without the main casts knowledge.

Danny blinks and gestures wildly at his dad, “are we just ignoring the uniformed third partly?!?”.

Mr. Lancer glares, “the class has been here the entire time”.

ClockWork smirks, “Vlad’s the authors' bitch right now so...yes”.

While floor Vlad gapes at Danny, “YOU DID WHAT NOW?!?!?”.

Danny throws his hands up exaggeratedly, “NOT IN THIS TIMELINE!”. While Vlad just quietly sputters about how Daniel could and even would, apparently, eat him. Danny has to severely resist spewing out a list of vore jokes at this. While ClockWork mutters with a smirk, about how the only reasons Danny’s not doing that is because the author’s tired of their phone crashing every time they try to write them.

Future Vlad points aggressively at floor Vlad, “we were the ones who thought ripping out his humanity would be a good idea!”.

Jack adds in some side commentary, “yeah, please don’t do that to my son”.

Floor Vlad mutters at the floor, “I need some bloody scotch”, before looking up at future Vlad and shouting, “WHY WOULD I DO THAT!”.

ClockWork points at floor Vlad, “the vodka hasn’t totally evaporated off your face yet, so you’ve got options. I have no pity for you”.

Floor Vlad glares at them, “I have standards”.

Half the class saying, “you sure about that?”.

Danny and future Vlad respond to floor Vlad in unison, with matching deadpan tones and judgmental facial expressions, “because, for all accounts and purposes, you are a sociopath”.

ClockWork sticks a finger up, “this is not how psychological diagnosis works”, gesturing at the class, “for one, patient confidentiality is a basic prerequisite, not an option”.

Nathan makes a mocked delighted gasp, “did we just get acknowledged?”. While Danny and future Vlad share a look tm.

Floor Vlad sneers, “rather that over an overgrown oaf, a self-sacrificial fool, a weak old man, or whatever is up with the time ghost”.

Danny glares while future Vlad socks floor Vlad in the face for that. Danny off-handed commenting, “‘Observant puppet’ is really the only insult that applies”, looking at ClockWork, “why aren’t the eyeballs up in a tissy about this anyway?”.

ClockWork smirks, “the author has decided they no longer exist”.

Danny blinks, “what kind of power does this ‘author’ have????”.

ClockWork mutters ominously, “the ability to outrun writers' block...for now”.

Danny ignores ClockWork out of slight horror and feeling like someone’s threatening him with another? dissection fic if he doesn’t stop encouraging ClockWork to derail the plot. Turning his attention to the two Vlads’ just in time to catch Valerie getting up and smacking both Vlads’ over the head, which just turns into an all-out fistfight. Well okay, floor Vlad is just squirming in his bindings and kicking like a feral rabbit, but still.

Valerie steps back and nudges Danny with a wily smirk, “who you wanna bet on to win?”.

Danny snorts, “future Vlad, based on sheer tenacity”.

ClockWork smirks and points a finger at the ceiling, “that’s my bet”, another portal opening up and yet another Vlad falling through and landing on the two others in a heap; knocking all three out, floor Vlad finally transforming back human. Danny looks to them, “the fuck is wrong with you?”.

While Maddie’s voice mutters from the doorway, “oh my Zone, Vlad?!?!”. Standing next to her is yet another interviewer from Genius Magazine: For Women Geniuses, By Women Geniuses; who slowly lifts up her phone and snaps a photo, while patting the pocket where her recorder is.

The next day Danny inexplicably gets pelted in the face -which, coming full circle, predictably stabs him in the eye in the process- by a magazine as soon as he steps through Mr. Lancer’s classroom doorway. Danny just lets it flop onto the floor unceremoniously, due to his veins being clean out of the consciousness juice that was Red Bull and thus incapable of caring about those pesky things called reflexes.

Danny sighs down at the abused magazine while slowly and dramatically covering his right eye. Sighing even louder at the cover somehow making everyone but the Vlads’ look kinda hot and ClockWork just being a black hole with a wicked grin -how they still seemed visually attractive is beyond Danny’s comprehension. The title reading ‘[REDACTED] Ghosts, Time Travel, And Illegal Cloning. Oh My!’, with the wonderful subtitle of ‘What Happens When Science Grows Fangs!’, and the sub-subtitle of ‘See Some Scientific Sin!’.

Danny’s sure the ‘[REDACTED]’ has something to do with ClockWork and them messing with an entire companies autocorrect function, but he decidedly doesn’t want to know.

Wes kicking in the classroom door seconds later only to pelt Danny with yet another copy of the magazine and shriek, “WHY!?!?!?! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!?!?!”.

Danny looks down at the magazine, which magically opened up to the page with the article when it landed, and snorts. It looked like someone had applied ‘[REDACTED]’ on the paper very liberally and with a pepper grinder. Danny then slowly turns and points at Wes with a massive shit-eating grin, “that’s what you get for being weak enough to fall victim to flu season. Sleepy sniffling sleuths earn no secrets”.

At this, the whole class laughs like they’re just a laugh track and an edited in fake audience.

END.

J/H 4-14: Jackie Says Cheese

Following production order, the next few episodes - "Red and Stacey," "Eric's Hot Cousin," "The Third Wheel," and "An Eric Forman Christmas" all remain unchanged in this timeline. I imagine some of you are surprised "The Third Wheel" didn't come in for a rewrite, and I watched it multiple times looking for an opening myself, but nothing jumped out at me. "Jackie Says Cheese," on the other hand...

(This is another one that was only partially re-written. Some re-written scenes are sequential, and some aren't; you'll know those by the *** separating them. Enough material is the same that I think anyone familiar with the episode can recognize the context for all of these. Just to get us all on the same page: imagine the episode playing out as you know it up until the second scene dealing with Thomas...)

FF.Net AO3

***

INT. HUB - DAY   THOMAS continues to make his own mark as the “foreign kid:” he sits at a round table with TWO PRETTY GIRLS. Over at the wall table, FEZ watches with cold disapproval, while KELSO eats. “Long, Long Way from Home” by Foreigner plays on the jukebox.   THOMAS: (laughing) I don’t know. I’ve just always been good-looking.   He and the girls laugh some more.   FEZ: (to Kelso) Look at that foreign bastard. Cracking up the whores.   KELSO: Yup. That is one sexy accent.   FEZ: Hey, if I pretend to say something funny, will you laugh?   KELSO: What would you pretend to say?   Fez snorts and looks back to Thomas.   FEZ: That Thomas is shady. (to Kelso) And have you noticed he never says what country he’s from?   KELSO: (beat) What country are you from?   FEZ: What country are you from?   KELSO: America.   FEZ: Fine, mystery solved.   He scoffs and turns back to stewing.

***   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   A quiet afternoon. HYDE reads in his chair, DONNA reads on the couch, and JACKIE paces up and down the room.   Kelso enters through the basement door.   KELSO: Hey.   Jackie immediately crosses to him.   JACKIE: Michael, I’m broke! I had to buy generic hair conditioner. And now, I have split ends.   KELSO: Well, no one is gonna notice that, baby.   HYDE: (to Jackie) Yeah, they’ll all be looking at that monster zit.   Kelso shrugs, nods, and takes a seat on the couch.   JACKIE: (to Hyde) I have to ration my cover-up. (to Kelso) So find a job already!   KELSO: I’m trying, okay? It’s tough out there.   HYDE: Kelso, you’ve been down here in the basement all day, reading the funnies.   KELSO: And the next page over’s the want ads! I’m getting to it!   Jackie glares down at Kelso, who tries not to look guilty.   DONNA: What about that new store at the mall? The Cheese Palace.   HYDE: “Where curd is king?”   DONNA: The very same.   KELSO: Nah. I saw that place. They’re only hiring for cheese maidens to hand out the free samples. Girl maidens. You know, with boobs and stuff.   Donna looks up at Jackie.   DONNA: Hey, you know who’s an actual girl with boobs and stuff?   JACKIE: Oh, Donna, you don’t have to get a job just for me.   DONNA: I was talking about you, pimple-chin.   JACKIE: Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not getting a job. A job is for poor people. I am a rich person who doesn’t have money. Big diff.   Donna and Hyde roll their eyes.   Kelso looks up at Jackie, leans closer.   KELSO: Hey, is that a blackhead?   Jackie recoils at the thought.   JACKIE: NOOOOOO!   CUT TO:   INT. MALL – DAY   On a mildly busy shopping day, Jackie stands in the courtyard, in full cheese maiden attire, with a tray of free samples. She meekly offers it up to passers-by, who all ignore her.   JACKIE: Cheddar? Cheddar? Cheddar?   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Working in the Coal Mine” by Lee Dorsey.   INT. MALL – DAY   Right where we left off. Jackie keeps offering her cheese samples to patrons, none of whom seem interested. But for each effort, Jackie has a rhyme.   JACKIE: Try the Swiss. You can’t miss. Try the Cheddar. It’s even better.   Hyde comes around the corner and stops by Jackie. He looks down at the floor.   HYDE: The floor’s real shiny, and I see your heinie.   Jackie groans, hits him in the chest.   HYDE: Hey, the cheese maiden hit me! Cheese guards, seize her!   JACKIE: God, this job is awful! I’m starting to glisten!   HYDE: You mean, sweat?   JACKIE: No. Girls don’t sweat. Sweating is for boys and pigs. Girls glisten.   HYDE: Like a Christmas ham.   Undeterred by Jackie’s glare, he helps himself to some cheese samples.   JACKIE: Where is Michael? The only reason I have this job is so he and I can be together.   HYDE: In the basement, eating Fritos. (Jackie gasps) Yeah, if he sends in 80 empty Frito bags, he gets a remote-control car.   JACKIE: I’m working for our love, and he’s trying to get a toy car?   HYDE: (shrugs) Hey, bright side is, all that “glisten’s” pushed that blackhead out.   Jackie’s hand goes to her chin as Hyde takes some more cheese.   BUMPER   INT. BASEMENT – DAY   As Donna and Kelso watch TV (Kelso with a bag of Fritos), Fez paces up and down the room, muttering to himself.   FEZ: Thomas. Thomas. Thomas!   He stops, leans on the back of Hyde’s chair.   FEZ (cont’d): What I have to do is show everyone that I am cooler than Thomas. You know, I once saw the Fonzie do something on TV that just might do the trick.   CUT TO:   EXT. BEACH – DAY   FANTASY SEQUENCE. The whole gang, plus Thomas and the two girls from earlier, are gathered on a pier. Fez is the Fonz, complete with leather jacket, while everyone else is dressed for the beach.   FEZ: I am now going to jump over a shark on water skis to prove that I’m the coolest foreign exchange student in Point Place.   THOMAS: (scoffs) He’ll never make it.   DONNA: Shut up. He can do it. He’s – the Fez!   The gang all nod in support.   FEZ: Okay. Here I go. Hit it.   And off he goes, to a series of obviously blue-screened shots miming water skiing and stock footage of a great white shark. Fez takes time to break the fourth wall with a smile and a thumbs up.   Back at the pier, the gang cluster together, Donna holding onto ERIC and Jackie surrounded by Hyde and Kelso.   ERIC: He’s crazy, man! He’s crazy!   HYDE: He’s at the ramp!   An even more artificial shot fakes the act of jumping the shark as Fez cries out in triumph. Cut to him climbing back onto the pier and receiving congratulatory cheers, pats, punches, and hugs by the gang and Thomas’s two girls.   JACKIE: You suck, Thomas!   Thomas’s face runs with artificial sitcom tears.   ERIC: Fez, you jumped that shark, and you’re not even wet.   FEZ: That’s ‘cause I’m cool-a-mundo. Ai!   He gives two thumbs up and grins.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   Back to reality. Fez is grinning here too. He looks down at Donna and Kelso.   FEZ: What do you think?   DONNA: Not only is that the worst idea I’ve ever heard, it was the worst moment in television history.   FEZ: (beat) Yeah, you’re right. I stopped watching after that episode.   KELSO: I kinda liked it.   Donna gives him a long stare; he inches away from her.   FEZ: THOMAS!   And back to pacing he goes.   ***   EXT. ROAD – NIGHT   Kelso’s Samba out on the dark backwoods’ streets. Fez is behind the wheel, Kelso in the passenger’s seat, and Thomas right behind them, an arm on either chair.   THOMAS: How exciting. My first American road trip. I can’t wait to see Lake Dillhole.   Fez, with a small, sly grin, pulls over and puts her in park.   FEZ: Well, the wait is over. We’re here. (to Thomas) Now, hop out, you crazy son of a gun.   Thomas, beaming, jumps out of the van. Kelso takes a careful look around the area.   KELSO: This is the Michigan border.   FEZ: Well, what do you know?   Thomas looks in through the drivers’ side window.   THOMAS: So where is Lake Dillhole?   FEZ: (pointing) Oh, it’s right there, behind the Get Bent Memorial. So, get bent, dill-hole!   He throws the van back into drive and takes off down the road. He and Kelso share a quiet laugh.   KELSO: That was a sweet burn, man.   FEZ: You don’t have to tell me.   KELSO: (beat) I don’t wanna take away from your moment, but we did just leave a high school kid stranded in the middle of nowhere, and his host parents are probably gonna want to look for him. (beat) And the cops.   He and Fez share a look. Fez spins the wheel, and they both lurch as the van turns around.   CUT TO:   INT. MALL – NIGHT   Jackie on the night shift. She continues to fail at drawing in samplers. Donna watches her with a big smile from the rim of a large plant pot, while Hyde stands just off to her side, sneaking cheese samples as she tries to solicit shoppers.   JACKIE: (to patrons) The Gouda’s so good-a. The Havarti’s a party.   Hyde reaches for a sample further down the tray. Jackie slaps his hand away.   JACKIE (cont’d): Quit it! Steven, why do you keep eating all my cheese?   HYDE:  We’re in Wisconsin. (takes a bite) Hey, this Havarti is a party!   He motions for Donna to come over. She joins them and takes a sample herself.   JACKIE: Oh, my God, this is awful! A few minutes ago, I smelled stinky cheese. And it was me!   HYDE: Hey, I stink after work too. Of course, that stink’s got nothing to do with work. And ganja ain’t no Gouda.   Jackie shakes her head, passes him the whole cheese tray and starts to walk away. Hyde and Donna follow.   HYDE (cont’d): Come on, Jackie. This can’t be that bad.   DONNA: Yeah. And you got this job so you could be with Kelso. I mean, doesn’t that make it satisfying?   JACKIE: NO!   Kelso and Fez come around the corner. Kelso smiles at Jackie, but she holds a finger up before he can say a word.   JACKIE (cont’d): Michael, I love you, but I am not cut out for work. I’m cut out for having rich people give me things. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.   Just as she says this, her MANAGER comes up behind her and presents her with an envelope. He walks back into the store as Jackie opens it up.   JACKIE (cont’d): Oh, my gosh. It’s a check! And that’s my name! Mine!   She shows it off to Hyde, bobbing on her feet. Kelso starts to bob too.   KELSO: (to Jackie) All right, so we can stay together!   JACKIE: Yeah, and I can still be rich!   KELSO: Yeah! You know, we deserve a celebration. Hey, let’s go buy me a remote-control car.   JACKIE: No, Michael. Money doesn’t grow on trees. (gasps) Money doesn’t grow on trees. You know, I think having a job is changing me. Okay, think about it: a whole new me.   HYDE, FEZ, DONNA, & KELSO: (beat) That’d be great.   Jackie pouts at them all, takes back her cheese tray, and heads out into the courtyard.

Visiting Sean’s Grandparents; Spirit Lake & Lake Park, Iowa

Stop #24, Sept 12-19

After a long [and scary] night we arrived at Spirit Lake where I could feel the nostalgia flowing from Sean. He pointed out everything in town that he had a connection with and shared stories from his childhood. We pulled in front of Sean’s grandparents house where Grandma Ghee and Grandpa Tim were waiting outside with big smiles. I was so relieved to finally be here and already felt a strong sense of comfort. I had met Ghee and Tim a few times before while going back to Omaha for an Elser Christmas and was looking forward to spending some more time with them. 

We got settled in, showered, and ate some breakfast. Ghee made scotcharoos, which to me is a Christmas cookie delicacy, but now there was a fresh batch for us to enjoy all week long! I couldn’t help myself; even though we had donuts for breakfast I needed a scotcharoo too! After a little while we drove into town for a delicious lunch at Taco House around Okoboji, then drove around the lake town that Sean speaks so highly of. Being after labor day many of the seasonal activities had already come to a close as well as some shops and restaurants. I would love to come back in the heart of summer to enjoy some of that Okoboji magic! 

The next morning Sean and I woke up to the most amazing smell for breakfast. Sean had mentioned how he loved Ghee’s monkey bread and POOF, it was there waiting for us for breakfast and still warm. Oh my goodness… that monkey bread was the best thing I’ve ever tasted!! Later in the day she made fresh oatmeal cookies too, and at that point I just accepted that I would put a on few [or more] pounds this week and shouldn’t bother getting back to normal eating until I leave Iowa. Because, of course, she packed up several leftovers for us to take when we leave the next day! At that point I happily accepted stretchy shorts and leggings for the next week.

Later in the day we stopped at Sean’s other grandparents home because my laptop was getting delivered that day, and in case it took longer I gave them the Iowa address we would be at latest. I got my laptop back so quickly, and its working perfectly! Wahoo! This time around the process was a lot smoother. 

Sean and I shopped around town for some Kayaks hoping that an end of year sale would get us a great deal. But, with all the extra money I spent on my laptop I decided I’d rather put down a few bucks to rent a kayak when the time comes, rather than buy one right now. 

The rest of our time with Ghee and Tim the five of us hung out and spent time catching up. Jaxon was so happy to be in a house with a rug where he could make any spot on the floor his own. We exchanged stories from our trip and life in general. Tim showed us his boat, which he was preparing for the trip they would leave for the next day, and shared some funny stories of Sean and his siblings going out on the boat when they were children. Ghee took out some old photos of Sean, which I especially enjoyed! He was a little Justin Bieber in his high school days! 

I really enjoyed Ghee and Tim’s company and loved getting to know them more. Meanwhile, Ghee made sure to fill our bellies with such delicious goodies that even Tim felt like he was on vacation! I forgot to mention we ended every night with ice cream… 

The night before Ghee and Tim left for their trip we ate Sean’s favorite for dinner, Godfathers Pizza, which I have come to somewhat enjoy. I’m still a pizza snob; its in my NY blood! But this pie really was delicious, and the four of us enjoyed our last meal together. The next day they left around 7:30am and Sean and I were so sad to say goodbye. I kept telling him how fun it was to hangout with them and that they are really good people whose company I really enjoyed. Ghee told us to stay as long as we’d like and just to lock up before we leave. 

After a long lazy morning of sleeping in and eating more sweets for breakfast we finally packed up and left, getting ourselves over to Sean’s other grandparent’s house only 15 minutes away in Lake Park. Coincidentally, they were already on a vacation and were getting back in a few days. So, Sean and I had a lot of down time before actually spending time with Grandma Maxine and Grandpa John.

We spent those few days between doing a variety of things. First, we took out the side by side, AKA the ripper, for a drive all around the farm. The birds were hovering over the corn,  the butterflies were fluttering, and the frogs were jumping, as was the mud running through the tires and shooting in the air. After the first ride I learned to keep my mouth closed; my face got hit with mud! The farm is beautiful and really fun to explore.

That night we logged right into netflix to binge watched The Office, our absolute favorite TV show that never gets old. We’ve watched the entire series too many times to count but never cease to find something new to laugh about in every episode. That first night we also raided the fridge and freezer and found some of Maxine’s home cooked meals that we defrosted for the night and the next. 

Another day to ourselves Sean spent hours working on the truck while I switched between cleaning the trailer and getting caught up with computer work. Sean could not have been happier working in his grandpa’s machine shed. He had every tool you could possibly need, and light and shelter which meant Sean could work after sunset. It also meant he could leave his tools out and just pause his work for the night not having to clean up like he needed to when he worked in the alley behind our house. 

On Sunday the 15th Sean took me to the Clay County Fair for its last day running. Maxine left us two tickets, and I was so exited to check it out! I’ve never been to fair that big, let alone in the middle of Iowa! Well, it sure was huge, and way different than the fairs they had in my home town growing up. Besides the capacity there was tons of livestock competing for who knows what, cheese curd stands, and huuuuuge tractors being sold! Sean and I ate our way through the fair starting off with a smoothie to keep it “light” but then continued to fried cheese curds, a jurassic sized corn dog, and a rib sandwich. Right after we walked through the live stock barn I was all upset about the treatment of the animals, and then we walked into The Chop Shop and had those rib sandwiches. Damn, that was the best I’ve ever had!!!!!  Talk about conflicting feelings…. Once we felt sick to our stomachs from the food the heat really started to kick in and we decided to leave.

Grandma Maxine and Grandpa John arrived late Monday night from their bus trip and hung out with us as we all exchanged stories from our trips. After a good nights sleep they took us out to breakfast at their favorite diner, then we spent the afternoon learning how to play the card game Hand and Foot, an Elser favorite! The night ended with a delicious meal and warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream. Both my belly and heart were full <3

The next morning we woke up to the smell of bacon, and while Sean and I were supposed to leave right after breakfast we decided at the very last minute, since we were so comfortable and in such good company, we would stay an extra day. Maxine and I went grocery shopping while Sean continued to work on the trailer, and after a few hours of errands and work we played some more cards. I also took a walk to see the butterflies on the evergreens; there were hundreds right next to their house! It was so beautiful and peaceful to see. 

Sean later took me on the swing where I felt like a child again. After a few minutes of getting air and spinning we were suddenly reminded we are not children; both of us got off feeling nauseous. Our bodies cannot tolerate being thrown into the air like they used to! Later that night had our final meal together, although Maxine sent us with lots of food to go.  

It was such a pleasure to spend some quality time in Iowa with both of Sean’s grandparents and on the farm.  I’ve been saying things along this line, but never in my life did I think I would ever go to Iowa let a lone a farm in Iowa! During 5th grade for my school’s annual “states” project I was assigned Iowa, and all I could remember from that project was that the Iowa State Coin had not come out yet… and CORN!  That the extent of my understanding until I met Sean and Josh. Well, it was a blast! Next time we will come during the heart of summer to explore more of Okoboji.

Thanks for reading, love you all! 

Calgary Expo

I cannot even BEGIN to process all that happened on this adventure. This will be a long post!

I made new friends from Canada and Australia! I was very thankful to be included in a wonderful dinner with the local DeLorean club, where everyone was so warm and welcoming.

Canadian hospitality is real, and the kindness I was shown meant so much to me. This was my first time out of the US and using my brand new passport, and I know for sure it will not be my last.

I cannot even begin to express my love and gratitude to Oliver and Terry for all that they've done for me, and continue to do. It's hard to explain, but some human beings are just... special. And these two are like Walt Disney magic. And sometimes, if you're lucky, that magic will touch your life. So much that happened was a beautiful byproduct of that magic.

My trip started off extremely rocky, with waking up to my 3:30am alarm to see my flight was canceled. I panicked and got on the phone with the airline. If I wanted to get into Calgary that day before 11pm, I had to leave NOW to catch a 6am flight. An hour earlier than my 7am original flight.

I somehow made it. And when I checked in saw the airline put me in first class for the inconvenience. Now that's a way to fly into Canada for the first time! This was my first weird divine streak of luck that would carry throughout the trip. Little did I know.

I went straight from the airport, luggage and all, to the Calgary Stampede where the con was being held to meet Oliver and Terry at the booth. From there we decided to visit the Calgary Tower which was right across the street from the hotel.

We had an INCREDIBLE and tasty dinner at the top of the tower, where the floor slowly rotates so you can see the whole city. From there we went up to the top of the tower. I stepped on the glass floor which was SCARY, but pretty damn cool.

I've been to quite a few cons, but it was a first to see a casino right next to the event center!

The DeLorean was located right between the Celebrity Autograph area and the Photo Op area, so I sure didn't have to go far to get both of mine done! That was pretty cool.

The first day I got to meet James Tolken (who came by the booth), who played Strickland in BTTF, and is also well known for his work in Top Gun. He is such a delight, and a very sweet person. He proudly sported a Flux Capacitor pin from the booth during the big BTTF panel on Friday night.

Friday morning was the Parade of Wonders, and as we pulled up in the DeLorean I was told that both Christopher Lloyd and Lea Thompson were riding right in front of us in the parade. OH OK?!?!?! NO BIG????? I had a lot of fun posing for photos with the car, and chatting with people. If you're wondering, when Chris and Lea arrived later on I did not approach. I was there representing Team Fox, and I wanted to remain professional and courteous. My time with them would come later, and it was very cool to watch them arrive and be so close to that. Lea loves doing Instagram stories, and I was thrilled to find out I ended up being a part of them from the parade! When I saw she was taking video I enthusiastically waved at her and got acknowledge with a "Hi!!!!!!".

The parade was beautiful, and I had so much fun getting to be a part of it. We ended up on the news, photos on news websites, and Troy was gracious enough to bring me a copy of the newspaper we were in, which I brought back with me. The route through downtown Calgary was beautiful, and what a way to see it!!!! So many people came out to both participate in it and watch it! Truly unforgettable.

The big BTTF panel on Friday night was absolutely fantastic. Michael walked out on stage and I got choked up at how grateful I was to be seeing this and watching this cast come together. Tom Wilson was so incredibly hilarious and personable, and guided the panel amazingly. He's very good at that, and offered some really insightful answers to questions these guys hear all the time. It was special to hear Tom talk about how he was bullied in school, and hearing him talk about how he had to search deep to be able to play the other side of that line. Christopher Lloyd was hilarious in how utterly over it he was with some of the questions. He's happy to let the others take over, and watching him and Tom is a gift.

Each one of them did their favorite line/lines from the movie, and hearing Michael do Marty quotes made my life. He's just as smart and witty as ever. Truly.

Michael: "Ok, you're playing this slacker kid who loves to play guitar and wants to take his girlfriend alone up to the lake. And I was all, ok I got this!"

Friday was a great day raising funds at the booth, and little did I know what exactly was going to happen Saturday.

The first thing that happened that day that led to something amazing was that I missed Michael's first autograph session. I walked up with my two tickets I had gotten taken care of in ADVANCE, and was told to come back at 4.

I was pissed but let it go, because then I could go ahead with my plan of one of those autographs being on our new photo together. I was hoping I could get my behind the scenes photo signed at the earlier time, then go back again for my 2nd. I wanted a few more seconds during that autograph time to connect that first time vs the rush and go of the photo ops.

That was the first divine thing that happened that lead to the vest. Getting turned away from that earlier time.

Even though I met Michael in 2016, I was in line for our photo trying to shake off the nervousness I felt. One of the staff members looks at me and says, "YOU have to wait in line?". I laugh and say yes. When it was my time, Michael looked at me very warmly and I think my eyes were wide as saucers.

I ask him if I can put my arm on his shoulder and he's ok with it.

"Let's do one of these." He says, and quickly makes the watch gesture I know all too well.

Oh yeah. Let's go. I've waited years for this.

Click.

I spend so much of my time making that shocked expression, but I couldn't do it for probably the first time ever. I was too happy. I smiled and beamed like the happy fool I was. Looking back, I kinda wish I did it, because that would have been hilarious. But I let the Master take the reigns. I thanked him and left, eyes wide and whispering, "Holy shit." under my breath over and over.

My duo photo op with Michael and Chris was about 40min later, so I queued back up in line.

When my time came I took a moment to be completely and utterly star struck by looking at Marty and Doc here in front of me. What even IS that??? How can you process that???

Michael warmly regards me.

"Hi again!" He says.

"Hi Michael, hi Chris!!!".

I ask Chris if I can put my arm around him, and he says I can. Michael looks at me talking to Chris in that moment.

Click.

I thank them and go whooping all the way to pick up my printed photo.

I go back to help at the booth until that 4pm autograph time.

The line is like being packed into a can of sardines, and the staff member laughs and remarks that I'm number 100 in line.

There is a strict NO PHOTO policy. You can't take a photo of Michael signing.

I have two photos for Michael to sign: our brand new photo together and a rare behind the scenes photo that I loved so much when I saw it, I asked my friend if I could get it printed and signed on the promise I wouldn't post it to social media, ect.

My time comes. One of Michael's handlers sees the behind the scenes photo.

"I've never seen that one before."

And takes a photo of Michael signing it. The second divine thing that happens.

I panic, but turn my attention to Michael quickly because I've got a few seconds. Go.

He's signing and as he is, I say:

"Hi Michael. I just wanted to say that it's an absolute honor using this costume to volunteer for your Foundation."

Michael looks at me.

"Thank you. I certainly appreciate that."

I thank him and leave, slipping back into the booth.

But the photo.

Would it have been the worst thing ever if it got posted somehow? Probably not. But I can't shake it.

I tell Terry what happened.

She walks me over, warmly greets everyone, and explains the situation. The photo is deleted, and as we're here getting this sorted, Michael is... there.

He's right there.

The line is gone. The only people there are the handlers, staff, and Terry and I.

Somehow... Michael was still there even though the line was gone.

Michael looks at me. Bright blue eyes. Recognizes me.

He's sitting but puts his hands on the table and stands.

"Your jacket."

"Wh.... what??"

"Your jacket... your vest. I wanna sign your vest."

"Wh....???" My eyes WIDE.

I take it off, it's laying front side up in front of him on the table.

I see he's going to sign the front and I remember I can form words if I try.

"Oh... oh uhhhhh Michael? I'm so so sorry but uh, could you sign the inside??? I use this a lot for charity work."

Oh my GOD. Who the hell do I think I am?!?!?! I panicked because I needed to keep using that vest.

I squeak out my name, when he asks, I think Terry echos me because she's much more composed and professional than I am right now.

With an elegant swoop of a black sharpie, he signs the vest. Right side on the inside.

I think I squeaked out a thank you or was just mute by that point, I don't remember.

Michael disappears and the most shell-shocked I've ever been, look at the vest.

It has my name on it.

He signed my name.

"Shannon

Love,

Michael J. Fox"

I lose it. I somehow make it back to the booth and call my mom. Crying and squeaking.

It sounds like she might be crying too.

It snowed. A lot. We walk out of the con center into a blizzard. Honest to god. That was a first.

Our friends graciously give us a ride to the dinner we're all going to with the local DeLorean club members as well as other DeLorean owners. A truly great group.

I'm told I must try something called "poutine". Never heard of it. It's french fries, gravy, and curd cheese. It's really good.

I'm pretty sure this was fit in at some point Saturday. When Chris came in the booth for his photo op session, I was able to briefly thank him for being here. I kneeled down, and shook his hand. But.. I didn't want to let go.

"Chris, could we hold hands for our photo?"

"Yes, absolutely."

He is so wonderful and special. He regarded me with nothing but warmth in our moment.

On Sunday for Lea Thompson's photo session at the car I did a brief TSA as we call it: handling bags and making sure they get back to their owners. As she was walking out of the booth I told her thank you, and got a, "You're welcome sweetie!" in return.

I'll tell you what guys, I couldn't shut my brain off Saturday night. I couldn't sleep for the best reasons possible. Which was a very welcome change for once.

I helped tear down the booth as normal on Sunday, and that was it.

This trip was magic.

It is Gemini New Moon and I am back! (for now) My life is still a maelstrom but the dust is starting to settle.

I’ve been getting more into different forms of divining and I bought a pendulum while I was in Amsterdam that I would like to try out. I will probably give more info on that later. 

Some highlights from when I was away:

Aries Season: New Moon I had to leave the apartment cause my roommate was being extremely noisy again. I went to a gallery where some witches and artists had their things and a witch I met at Treadwells when I first moved here remembered me and we made friends. She offered me some free sound healing sessions at her place since she wanted to practice. I also met a wild aries witch who is an aries poster child in everyway, she also has short white hair and paints red markings on her face (I thought it was for tonight its an everyday look) and has futuristic tribal blade runner vibes. When I got home at 1pm I exploded on my roommates who wanted to have a party (They knew I had to get up at 5am for work) and declared I was moving out. Did a million find a new home spells and started hunting

Learned how to make bioplastics and bonded with the teacher at the design museum over alchemy. Making bioplastics is so similar to what alchemists were doing in their hunt for stripping down something to it's core elemental material and reshaping it to whatever they like. It also sparked my potential new interest for diving into industrial design as a career.

Went to see my sister in Paris and saw the Notre dame burn. The night air smelled like fire and brimstone

ended Aries season with a bang when my sagittarian witch friend was going through a breakup and bought me to an easter/spring inspired fetish party where everyone was dressed either as catholic gay kings, floral nymphs in pastel bondage or frisky rabbits. They had berlin DJs and the top floor was flooded with red lighting. I ran into the Aries witch there near some ritual of people in pig masks rubbing paper on someone's latex to cause some friction. I got home at 2 and had to get up at 8am for work.

Taurus Season After intense pressure hunting I found a new home though I knew I wouldn't be satisfied there. The woman who owns the house turned out to be pretty christian and doesn't want anyone bought over without her permission. So the house hunt continues.

Beltane was spent with some nice witch friends in the Heaths (of course) we found a nice clearing in the woods that was super secluded with bluebells growing everywhere. We had a blanket and bought everything from floral incense, to crystals (I got a jade crystal ring for everyone to charge and wear) to flowers (we each bought so many that we ended up casting a circle with flowers like roses, bluebells, carnations etc), and foods! I made truffle oil melted cheese sandwhiches and beetroot pea and spinach sandwhiches and sandwhich cookies with rose buttercream and matcha with gold dust and lemon curd lavender with silver dust. I also bought grass vodka to be mixed with elderflower soda. My friends bought a lot of things from blueberries to flower wines to weed to scented oils and candles. I also finished the last of my shrooms with them and the trees felt very much like sentinels though in the sense that they seemed to be watching us in our witchy shenanigans instead of a sense that they were protecting us. We each lead part in a ritual and told stories but I bought black heart candles to purify us from any attachments we had from former relationships to bring clarity or a fresh start. A new witch friend I made who was invited made us do some estatic dancing in the circle (in truth she was cold cause it was cold) but it was a great way to get the energy going and moved our sacral energy upwards when she made us twerk to attract love to ourselves lol. Then my sagittarian witch friend anointed us with oils for clarity and love and we all smelled really nice like nectary flowers. We stayed until it got so dark that the distant city lights were the only thing giving us light. We packed everything up and didn't leave a trace.

Eros moving into virgo amongst other aspects has made my sexual frusterations intense plus that venus mars square was really painful to go through. I got closer to my work crush who seems to like me too but it wouldn't work out as a FWB unless we kept it really secret because of our work position. So I decided to do a lust spell to attract another lover with a lust candle I made back when I lived in NJ. I gathered it when I was taking some stuff back during christmas and realized the love spell candles I made during last valentines day magic fair still had a lot of energy. There was only 1 lust spell candle left cause they all sold (The candles were all heart shaped and the size of your hand. The black was for cleansing relationships and was ylang ylang scented with added charcoal, the violet was for new friendships with lavender, the pink was for romance with rose oil and the red was for lust and hookups with red rose and cinnamon.) The history with the lust spell candle came from a previous successful lust spell when I used a huge red dick shaped hoodoo candle to attract a FWB on the taurus full moon and it was very successful but I still had a lot of the candle left over so I recycled the successful spell into the red wax for the new lust candles. Anyway I was going into this back story because I burned this on the full moon and it burned bright and strong the whole night into the next day for 13 hours straight. When it reached the end no wax was left, it instead grew into a massive flame which split into 3. I was mesmerized watching it, it seemed like the middle flame was me or someone having to make a decision. It went for a smaller flame on the left and they grew into a bigger flame as the little one died down then BANG!! the disk it was on E X P L O D E D and shards of glass flew Everywhere... There were pieces of dried rose petal which was the last fragment of the candle the fire had to burn on that scattered in the air like a mini meteor shower and lit little fires on the carpet of my bedroom floor. As I was cleaning I wasn't sure how to process the meaning. It was supposed to be a road opening spell to attract a FWB my way but the aggression seemed like an intense conclusion. So far I will see how it unfolds. My official Eros Return is the 10th of this month.

While I found a really cool dream apartment by the heaths I wasn't sure if it felt like the right place. I found a magical tree that was like it's own altar or temple in the woods. It had blood red leaves and the light underneath it shown like autumn. Stepping under it's cavernous-like red canopy felt like entering another realm. Underneath the ground was littered with shells from some dead seeds and the trunk of the huge tree had a large open mouth with thick saucer-sized brown mushrooms growing out. It looked like an altar so I prayed to it to help find me a home. A week later I found a nicer apartment on the east side to the park.

Gemini Season

Gemini season started off aggressively and with a lot of confusion.

I went to Amsterdam this past weekend! It's a beautiful city with big fairy energy. They are obsessed with flowers, you can buy bulbs everywhere and flowers are growing from every corner, there is nature everywhere, you can get shrooms and weed everywhere, the homes are old and beautiful with details that remind of you fairytales or iced gingerbread houses, the air is filled with sounds of chimes and bells from everyone's bikes, you have alluring enchantresses ensnaring dumb tourist men into their lairs as men glue themselves to the windows peering eagerly into their other worlds, you have shops with no clocks with the most comfortable seating to sell you joints for 4 euros while you sit there for god knows how long in a perpetual high as you eat snack after snack. Also since its the lighter half of the year the sun sets at 9:30PM and the sky isn't completely dark until 10:15. I tried to look into their urban planning and architecture centers to learn more about the city's design. It's so harmonious with nature its inspiring. I took home some shrooms (One I am excited to try is called Roaring Dragon which would be appropriate for Litha lol), some wizard like long wooden pipes, a mini mermaid tarot deck, a crystal pendulum, some goblin incense I was enticed to buy cause I was dumb high in this fairy themed shop (and in truth I wanted to buy everything cause I was dumb high and thought everything was GREAT) and a love attraction candle.

Now here I am ready to start a new moon cycle. I am really overwhelmed but I want to get my feet back on the ground lol.

Crutchie having a cheesy little self-care day with the reader, and then Feelings are revealed?

“Treat,” you said with a grin.

“Y/N,” Crutchie said patiently.  “No.”

“Yo’.”

“Don’t do this.”

“Self,” you finished triumphantly.

Crutchie sighed, but he had a tolerant grin on his face.  “No.”

“C’mon,” you urged.  You shook the page of stickers in his face.  “We could pimp your ride.”

“My cane is not a ride.”

“It gets you places, doesn’t it?”  You smiled at the stickers, dozens of glittery dinosaurs.  “They’re beautiful.”

He snorted.  “I already treated myself.”

“To a set of earbuds,” you scoffed.  You and Crutchie had gone to the mall for a full-on self care day.  You were in the spirit of things, but Crutchie was a little more hesitant.  “You were just replacing your old set.  That’s not a treat.”

Crutchie shook his head.  “I don’t need the stickers.”

“Fine,” you said.  He looked at you, surprised at the swift end to the fight.  When he saw the set of your jaw, the relief melted off his face.  “I think I need them, though.  How hard could it possibly be to find a good place for them?”

You gave his cane a longing stare, and he shifted it behind a shelf.  You laughed and moved on.

“This is so us,” you beamed.  You held up a set of t-shirts, proudly pointing at the words ‘Bitch 1’ and ‘Bitch 2’.  

He raised one eyebrow.  “I’m sorry to break it to you, but I think your eyesight has gotten worse.  See, you thought you went out with Race, but you’re actually out with Crutchie.”

Your jaw dropped in mock horror.  “Oh no.  No wonder this sucks so much.”

He laughed, knocking you with his cane.  “This is the happiest you’ve ever been.”

“As if you’ve ever been happier.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.  “We could be sitting in an empty parking lot, and I’d be happy that it was the two of us.”  He wandered away from the display of t-shirts, already forgetting about what he had said.

You followed him toward a bookstore, letting your smile linger and allowing your eyes to rove over him in a way that you never could when he was looking.

In a way, he was right: had you been looking for a true spending spree, you would have invited Race.  You knew what you were getting into when you invited Crutchie, and you didn’t regret it at all.

Every friend filled a certain hole in your life.

Race made you laugh.

Jack, self destructive as he could be, saved you from your own self destructive tendencies.

Katherine fueled your passion by being passionate herself.

Crutchie filled you with butterflies and smiles and plans for the future.

So, yeah, Crutchie may not have been the best choice for treating yo’self.  You had known it when you invited him, and you knew it now.  Whatever.  He was a treat, and you got to be yourself around him.  What more could you want?

You watched one of the stylists file Crutchie’s toenails.  “What, no threats about what happens if I tell people about this?”

Crutchie snorted.  “I don’t care who knows how good my feet look.  One of them doesn’t work, so it might as well work it.”

You laughed until you had to lean over.  The woman working on your feet gave you a reproachful look, but she was fighting back a smile.

You filed the statement away so you could bask in it later, forcing the laughter down.  “That’s right, Crutch.  You’re already so handsome; this is all it take to push you straight into gorgeous.”

The woman at your feet smiled outright.  “You two are adorable.”

“Thanks,” Crutchie said pleasantly.  “We try.”

You shot him a sappy grin, knowing that he would have to fight back a snort when he saw it.  “I hardly have to try.  Crutchie is cute enough on his own.”

“The pot says to the kettle,” he cooed.

Though he was out of reach, you stretched out one hand for him.  “Love you, boo.”

He reached for you, fingertips nearly able to touch yours.  Your chest ached a little when you couldn’t quite touch, though that was the point of reaching.  “Miss you.”

The woman’s eyebrows skyrocketed.

“We aren’t dating,” you said, taking pity on her.  “We’re just bros.”

“Love you, bro,” Crutchie said.

“Awe, bro.”

“Believe it or not,” she said dryly, “that doesn’t make you guys less cute.”

Crutchie laughed.  “That’s got nothing to do with me.  Y/N could bring the cute out of Satan.”

You had to suppress a squirm of pleasure.  He was wrong; Crutchie was adorable.  He was also mischievous, annoying, and idealistic, but all of that accompanied by a winning smile and an unfailingly positive attitude.

“Believe me,” you said to the woman.  “It’s Crutchie.”

The man working on Crutchie snorted.  “Are you sure you aren’t dating?”

“Usually,” you said lightly.  It was as true as anything else you had said.

At the end of the day, after stuffing yourselves with cheese curds and soft pretzels, you stared at the treats you and Crutchie had splurged on.

“Oh, Crutchie,” you said sadly.  “Is this the best you could come up with?”

He had his earbuds, new socks, and a crossword puzzle book to play ‘so I can live up to my grandpa reputation with the fellas.’

To be fair, the day was for small treats.  Neither of you could afford full on, Parks and Rec style splurges.  Still, you were sure he wanted more than this.  What about fun shirts?  Comfortable sweaters?  He could at least have gone for fun socks; white socks were never a treat.

“I’m a man of simple pleasures,” he protested.

“You’re a man now?”  You crooned the words, poking him in the side to watch him squirm with delight.  “Oh, my little Crutchie is all grown uhhhhhhhhhp.”  You dragged out the last word, running your fingers along his ribs while he laughed.

“Y/N,” he said - almost squealed, not that you would tell anyone.  He wrapped an arm around you, crushing your arms to your sides and your chest into his so you couldn’t move.

You were still laughing, unable to contain the giggles as you leaned your forehead against his shoulder.  “Unhand me.”

“Are you done?”  He smiled into your hair, sighing cheerfully as he adjusted his arms into more of a hug than a prison.

You considered, taking a deep breath.  He smelled like shampoo; something fruity, not something with a ‘manly’ name like SHOCK or ANARCHY or I LIKE CHOPPING WOOD.  Your heart stuttered a little.  “Yeah,” you sighed.  “Yeah, let’s call this a draw.”

He snorted, but let you go to pick up the bags he dropped.  “Seriously, though.  I don’t need much to feel treated.  Treated sounds weird.  Treat.  Trote.”

“It doesn’t just have to be buying stuff,” you said.  It almost sounded like a plea.  You wanted him to love this day.  You wanted him to look back on this day and smile, no matter how much time passed.  “It could be an experience or something.”

“Like what?”

“Bowling.  An all-you-can-eat buffet.  We could TP a house.  I could wingman you while you try to make out with your crush.”

The last one was clearly a joke, but his smile tensed.  “Are those treats for me, or treats for you?”

“Those are just examples!”  You threw your hands up, exasperated.  “I want this to be the perfect day for you, Crutchie.  Think.  If there was any one thing to make a normal day into the Best Day Ever, what would it be?”

He shifted, uncomfortable.  He ignored the frown you shot him.  “I dunno, Y/N.  This has been a great day.  I don’t need anything else.”

One more try, you promised yourself.  One more, and if he still said he was fine, that would be it.  “Today isn’t about needs.  It’s about wants.”

“I already have you,” he protested.  “Why can’t that be my treat?”

“You always have me.”  Why would that make the day special?

He became very interested in shifting his bags from one arm to the other.  “Well, yeah, but that doesn’t make the day less great.  It wouldn’t have been as much fun with anybody else.”

You forced a laugh, hoping it masked the way your chest constricted.  Worrying that it wasn’t enough, you distracted yourself by fixing the collar of his shirt.  You must have messed it up when you tickled him.  “Awe, bro.”

“Not really like that,” he said with a cringe.

“Like what, then?”  Your hands froze at his neck while you waited for him to respond.

He blinked at you, eyes wide and sad.  His face was very close to yours, and you could see it registering with him in the way his eyes flickered all over yours.  He leaned in, his nose brushing against yours.

Your eyes closed, but it didn’t stop you from knowing the exact second his lips would brush against yours.

Your fingers latched onto his collar again, no doubt messing it up further, but you didn’t care.  You used the leverage to pull him closer, and you heard no protestations.  All you heard was his sharp inhale and his cane slipping from where it leaned against the table.  Neither sound made as much of an impression as his lips or his fingertips.

When he pulled back, it wasn’t far.  “Was that enough of an experience?”

“Treat yo’self,” you said.  His nose was still brushing against yours, and you smiled.  “That was great, bro.”

He gave a huff of laughter before pulling away.  “So that’s enough?  The day can end now that I’ve made it into my Best Day Ever?”

“We could go back for those shirts,” you offered.  You leaned over to pick up his cane, and when you handed it off to him, he shifted the bags onto his wrist so he could hold your hand in his free one.

“No,” he said quickly.  “No, this was good enough.”

“But having a shirt would let you remember today all the time,” you said dramatically.  “You’d never have to forget.”

“I’ll just stick with repeating the experience, if that’s okay.”

“That’s fine.”  Great, really.  Really, really great.

alright. I need to start writing and get to sleep. Today was pretty good. My alarm went off at 11 and I was a bit tired still because I had a bit of trouble falling asleep last night (but nothing too bad) so I considered ubering to my appointment instead of taking public transit so I could sleep longer but convinced myself to stop being lazy and just get up. So I got ready, and mapped out a plan to take the bus to the train that could take me downtown since it was fairly cold and I didn’t want to walk all the way to the train. So that went pretty smoothly, I ended up getting there with like 25 minutes to spare so I went into the little coffeeshop next door and got a hot chocolate which I drank until it was time for me to go up to my dentist. I’ve had the same dentist since moving to Chicago and have kinda followed him around because he’s been changing practices a bit, but he said hopefully this should be his final location because it’s solely his so there shouldn’t be an issues there. It was just a cleaning, no big, my teeth suck so there was a little decay that we’ll take care of next week but no major issues so that was good with me considering how bad it’s been in the past. When I first got there I was updating him on my life since I hadn’t seen him in a while and he was like “well if you’re looking for temporary work my boyfriend works at [temp company]” and I was like I’ve actually been talking to them, what’s his name?? so he told me and y’all, the guy I’d been communicating with this whole time and did the Skype interview with is my dentist’s boyfriend, lol. So he said he’d mention my name to him so that was cool. I finished up there and walked down the street a bit to where there’s the Macy’s downtown because I needed a red tie for my Sunday cosplay, and I happened to walk in the right door right to the men’s formal wear section, so that took less than 5 minutes in and out, which was convenient. From there I got on the train and took it up to Target to pick up a prescription and grab a few things. I went for an uber express pool home but the uber app was being stupid of course and told me to wait on the wrong side of the street so when the car pulls up to the other side I’m stuck waiting for the light and when I finally get over there and am like 10 feet behind the car trying to get his attention he fucking drives away and cancels the trip and I was like UGH WTF so that was super frustrating but I made sure I didn’t get charged the cancellation fee for it because it clearly wasn’t my fault. So I called another uber which I had to walk back across the street for, but thankfully that one worked out much better and the driver was really chill. Got home and put some stuff away, then started packing for this weekend. My backpack always ends up being stuffed to the max no matter what I’m taking with me, it’s always a struggle lol but I make it work. After I was mostly done with that I was just sitting on my bed with my laptop when I got a message from Jess asking if I wanted to get food (cheese curds, specifically) because she’d decided to skip her Kpop dance class tonight and was craving them. So once she got home from work she walked over and I met up with her, and we went to one of the close by places we like (the one that had had the open mic comedy night that we got stuck in for like 3 hours lol. so that was good, I always end up getting full on the cheese curds and mac and cheese bites that I barely eat my actual food, but my meal was pretty small so it worked. Once we were done there we headed back to our respective apartments with a plan for her to come over tomorrow morning in an attempt to use multiple computers to get BTS tickets while I’m doing my phone interview, lol. So that should be interesting. Got home, remembered Brooklyn 99 was on and tuned into that just a few minutes late, and it was truly a fucking excellent episode, they do such a good job of handling sensitive subjects very delicately and with their due respect while also making a fucking hilarious show, and that was on display in tonight’s episode more than ever before, I think. Definitely more serious than most, but it was still a damn good episode and their storyline was really well done, so hats off to them. Once that was over I decided to watch Blindspot from like two weeks ago that I apparently never watched, which was actually quite good. I then watched Riverdale from this week and like, y’all, I know this show has always been complete trash but this week’s episode was SO fucking bad it was honestly painful to watch. It’s just so way beyond any sense of reality that it hurts your brain to even see it. Smh. By the time I finished with that Jimmy Fallon was on and it was said in a commercial earlier that he was going to have John Mulaney on so I stuck around for that, they ended up doing a truth/lie game with the two of them and Pete Davidson where each person has two envelopes, one with a true statement and one with a false statement, the other people get to pick which one, and then they have 60 seconds to question the person to figure out if it was true or not, and honestly it was so fucking funny. It was great when Jimmy read his and Pete was just like “yes, it’s true, done” and Jimmy was like “you have to ask questions!!!” and of course he was right, it was true, so that just made it all the more funny. I highly recommend watching the clip on youtube if you didn’t see it. And yeah, after that I started getting ready for bed and procrastinated and all that good stuff and eventually I got here. Tomorrow we got the phone interview, then we’re probably gonna make a Walgreens run to grab a few things, then head to the airport absurdly early because it’s an international flight and Jess’ airport anxiety is going to be through the roof (I’m not complaining or trying to shade her, it’s just the truth) so we have to make sure that’s all handled, and for those reasons I should be getting to sleep since it’s now 2 am. Goodnight dears. Happy Friday.

Other Worlds: Peasants, Pilgrims, Sprits, Saints by Teffi, edited by Robert Chandler

Now things get frightening.

Barely breathing, the little girl lying in bed curls into a small ball. She listens and watches, listens and watches.

The distant hum is becoming sinister. The little girl is all alone and defenseless. If she calls, no one will come. But what can happen? Night must be ending now. Probably the cocks have greeted the dawn and the ghosts are all back where they belong.

And they belong in cemeteries, in bogs, in lonely graves under simple crosses, or by forsaken crossroads on the outskirts of forests. Not one of them will dare touch a human being now; the Liturgy is being celebrated and prayers are being said for all Orthodox Christians. What is there to be frightened of?

But an eight-year-old soul does not believe the arguments of reason. It shrinks into itself, quietly trembling and whimpering. An eight-year-old soul does not believe that this is the sound of a bell. Later, in daytime, it will believe this, but now, alone, defenseless, and in anguish, it does not know that this is a bell calling people to church. Who knows what this sound might be? It is sinister. If anguish and fear could be translated into sound, this is the sound they would make. If anguish and fear could be translated into color, it would be this uncertain, murky gray.

And the impression made by this predawn anguish will remain with this little creature for many years, for her whole life. This creature will continue to be woken at dawn by a fear and anguish beyond understanding. Doctors will prescribe sedatives; they will advise her to take evening walks, or to give up smoking, or to sleep in an unheated room, or with the window open, or with a hot water bottle on her liver. They will counsel many, many things—but nothing will erase from her soul the imprint of that predawn despair. (Kishmish, pp. 3-4)

***

I remember, one day I was wandering around late in the evening—I’d gone out because I was so bored—and the moon was shining, and everything was quiet, so very quiet . . . Not a light in the windows, and a warm breath of wormwood blowing in from the dim, moonlit steppe. And trembling over the quiet streets—the frantic scream of a bird. I’d already been told that this was the doctor’s guinea hen, wailing for her slaughtered mate. A three-note call, again and again, the last two notes a tone higher than the first. This isn’t easy to explain to you, but such a cry of inconsolable despair, above the dead little town, in the silence of that trackless steppe, was more than any human soul could bear.

I remember coming home and saying to my husband, “Now I know why people hang themselves.”

He screamed, clutching his head in his hands. The look on my face must have been frightful. (Witch, p. 92)

***

Baba One-Eye lodged with Father Savely and earned her keep by doing what was needed." In other words, she cooked, washed, weeded, milked, whitewashed the walls, did a little watering, and pilfered wherever she could.

When we came around to see Lisa, Baba would climb out of some cellar, give us a long look, and shed tears of tenderness from her one eye. At the same time she would intone some very strange words: *Little children sitting there, all so tiny as they are, little hands and little feet, eyes that glint all bright and neat, what they know and what they don't, who shall ever tell?"

Baba was supposed to be quiet and meek, but she was a constant presence in Lisa's mysterious tales; she always had a part to play. Baba was supposed to have heard the dead unbaptized babies weeping in the bog: Baba knew that our maid Kornelia "had a fish's tail under her shift; Baba had seen some sort of green creature down by the mill, catching thunderclaps in his paw and hiding them under his rump. And those devils Lisa had seen, Baba had seen them too, of course, only she didn't want confess in case one of them did something nasty to her. Because naturally a devil hates it when people catch a glimpse of him. A devil is supposed to be invisible. If he allows a human being to see him, he must be a real bungler.

We respected Baba One-Eye and were a little afraid of her. We respected her all the more after she predicted that not a month would go by before Lisa had either a little brother or a little sister. And sure enough, soon after this Lisa came around with some astonishing news. A little brother had indeed been born, a beautiful baby, the very image of his mother, and so clever that people couldn't get over their amazement.

What does he say?" we asked.

"He only talks when nobody can hear him. But Baba eavesdropped. He's got ever such a thin little voice, like a mosquito. ‘Time to light the stove,’ he said. ‘I'm cold.'"

That was Lisa's baby brother all right. Baba One-Eye got the measure of him straightaway. (Vurdalak, p. 108)

***

Mama had been orphaned, so we had no grandmothers at all. We were governed by the old Nyanya who had once raised Mama. She lorded it over us and she ran the house too. I remember her well. She was a short, crooked, wrinkled creature, who knew any number of clever things—how to cure somebody of the evil eye, or take a jinx off them, or charm away sties. Nobody knows these things any longer—but they work all right. You have to make your hand into a fist, hold it up to the person’s face, use your thumb to make tiny crosses over the bad eye, and say:

     Here’s a fist to you from me,      Buy whatever you can see.      Buy yourself a little ax,      Hack this thing from front to back,      Amen, amen, amen.

Then you spit over your left shoulder.

That was how our Nyanya used to charm away a sty, and by the next day it was as if it had never been.

And Nyanya used to cure all sorts of diseases, and always with the simplest of remedies: kerosene, or curd cheese, or wormwood leaves. Once a doctor turned up in our house—not to treat anyone, of course, just to see Papa about buying a cow—and he was simply amazed by our Nyanya. “That old woman,” he said, “I bet she’s seen plenty of folk off to the next world.” But of course we all know what doctors are like. They don’t want to acknowledge old women’s remedies because it would put them out of business. (Bathhouse Devil, pp. 154-55)

***

We liked Tolya’s old legend. Vanya Lebedev, however, said, “That’s splendid, Tolya. Only you could have told it better—it should be more scary. You should have added that the mill’s been under a spell ever since. Whoever spends one whole night there will be able, if ever he wishes, to turn himself into a dog.”

“But that’s not true,” Tolya replied shyly.

“What makes you say that? Maybe it is true. Something tells me that’s the way it is. It’s just that no one’s tested this out yet.”

We all laughed. “But why? What’s so special about turning into a dog? If one could turn oneself into a millionaire, that would be another matter. Or some hero or other, or a famous general—or a great beauty. But who wants to turn into a dog? Where would that get you?”

There were no more stories that evening. We talked about this and that, then went our separate ways.

The following morning Tolya and I went out into the forest. We picked some berries, but there were too few to take back to the dining room so we decided I might as well eat them myself. we sat down beneath a fir tree, me eating berries and Tolya just looking at me. Somehow this began to seem very funny.

“Tolya,’ i said, “you’re staring at me the way that dog of yours stared at the miller.”

“Really I wish I could turn into a dog,’ he answered glumly “because you’re never going to marry me, are you?”

“No, Tolya, you know I’m not.”

“So,” he went on, “if I remain a man, I won’t be able to stay by your side all the time. But if I turn into a dog, no one will stop me.”

I had a sudden thought. “Tolya, darling! You know what? Go to the mill and spend the night there. Please do! Turn into a dog, so you can stay beside me. You’re not going to say you’re scared, are you?”

He turned very pale—I was surprised, because all this was just stuff and nonsense. Neither of us, it went without saying, believed in that dog. But Tolya, for some  reason or other, turned pale and replied very gravely, “Yes, I’ll go. I’ll go and spend the night at the mill.” (The Dog, pp. 192-93)

IAT 5/20 thru 5/24/2021

So excited to be back on the trail - seems likes it’d been a long time since we’d been up north, and finally we are into full spring.

Earlier in the week, we got the sad news in that Lynn’s father passed away, so she and Kent had to cancel.  George Sanchez, BrightStar owner from Austin who is joining us in Tanzania, had already made plans to travel to Wisconsin to hike with us, so we decided to go ahead with the trip, and several of us have offered to Lynn that we’ll travel back up there in June to repeat those segments with her. Gary, Dan and Tam had met George in October of 2019 when he was in Wisconsin for the BrightStar owner’s conference, but Lynn and Kent still haven’t met him.

George flew into Madison Wednesday evening. Jeff and I picked him up, had an easy dinner at home and probably too much wine and bourbon since we had an early departure Thursday morning!

As we were approaching Antigo Thursday morning, Gary sent a text saying the meeting spot didn’t have a clear spot for parking, so he drove around and found the Town of Rolling Town Hall building with a large parking lot. The Knickmeier’s joined us there, and we shuttled to the Town of Polar to start our trek for the day.  The weather forecast called for good chance of rain the next 4 days, so we were prepared with rain gear, and had to stop to don our poncho’s after just about 3 blocks!

Much of the next 12-15 days of walking will be on CR’s (connecting routes) with just a few segments (trail) here and there. We can walk faster on the roads, and when they’re quiet county roads, its also easier to carry on a conversation – so they’re not all bad.  Once again, I was grateful for our group decision to hike the whole trail in consecutive sections – otherwise it’d be tempting to cherry pick the nice trail segments and procrastinate on completing the CR’s.

I like to walk the CR’s in my “trail runners,” and I use a fanny pack with water bottle holders.  It also has space for snacks and rain gear.  Today, I’d strapped on an umbrella, and that along with a light poncho worked great.  The rain came and went – generally, if you took your poncho off, it’d come back!

At one point, Dan and Tam and I were walking three-abreast.  I was on the left side, and to my left, I heard a deer crashing through the trees.  To our dismay, she bolted onto the slippery asphalt right in front of us.  Her hooves were slipping and she fell hard, onto her side – and then slid across the rest of the road.  When she reached the right-side shoulder, she righted herself, stood, and bolted back into the woods.  Other than gasps, we were all speechless.  We walked to where she fell as there was a white swath left on the pavement – it was hair!  Besides that, her hooves had made grooves in the asphalt.  What a shock, but we were so relieved that she was able to get up and run off into the woods – no doubt, with some severe road-rash!

The rest of the trek was uneventful – quiet roads, some farms, mostly wooded areas.  Our plan was to take a break and drive back to the Dixie Diner in downtown Antigo for lunch.  Our original plan was ten miles, but we’d covered thirteen to our new parking spot.

As the Dixie Diner, we were greeted by the young waitress that said she remembered us from last month – not sure if that’s good or bad!  It was fun seeing the menu through George’s eyes – but there we a lot of questions that we couldn’t answer.  We’re not completely sure our waitress correctly answered the questions, but she got points for enthusiasm!  She described “broasted chicken” as “like deep fried pressure cooker – like Kentucky Fried Chicken but better.”  The oddest thing was a “Hot Hamburger,” which was white bread with a cooked hamburger patty, mashed potatoes on top of that, and gravy over everything.  George also wanted cheese curds, and most of us had regular cheeseburgers or BLT’s.  Food was so so, but it was great to have a break from walking the road, and as usual, we had lots of laughs.

After lunch, we picked up the Knickmeier’s car, then dropped it at the end of our route.  We walked an additional 3 miles, of course with the rain coming just about as soon as we’d set out!  Then a quick drive to the Dells of Eau Claire county park where I’d reserved a campsite for the next three nights. We knew it was going to be a rustic site (no showers, and vault toilets), but we were surprised to hear they still had the water turned off “due to COVID.”

Dan and Tam made dinner while we set up camp. Jeff and I took our Big Agnes two-person and gave the three-person to Gary and George (although before night fall, Gary decided he was going to hotel it in Antigo, as Dan and Tam had already planned that.  It was a yummy dinner, and great together time anyway.  Jeff and I had this blue sofa-thing that we’d gotten as a reward from MS fundraising.  We had a lot of laughs watching Gary try to fill it with air.

Dan and George had started a fire, and we had a beautiful evening with no bugs.  Only issue was I’d forgotten the chocolate for the S’mores!

Before the hotellers lefts, we scrounged all the water everyone had from their bottles and gave them the empties to fill at the hotel – needed enough water to make coffee and breakfast!

Just before dark, I saw a black cat walking down the road. As he/she approached, we could hear her meowing. I went out to see if she would approach me, and she was very friendly - rubbing against my legs. She followed me back to our site, and stayed with us about 20 minutes - jumping onto our laps and also onto our picnic table - sampling the left-over cheese curds and macaroons! Then she moved on. Jeff checked with the other campers to see if she belonged to them - they said no, but she’d visited them too. She seemed well groomed and healthy, not like a feral cat, but comfortable in her surroundings!

We retired to the tents about 9:30p, it was mostly quiet, save a hot rod truck now and then zooming down the nearby highway.

Overnight there was rain, mostly light, but some heavy. We stayed dry and snuggly in our two-person tent.

I awoke just before my 6am alarm, and dressed for the day, donned my raincoat and left the tent. It was a beautiful peaceful morning, with no one else up and about from the 4-5 campsites that were occupied.

Due to our limited water supply, first priority was a French press of coffee - then we used a little water for instant oatmeal (mixed with yogurt and homemade granola). Just a little water left over to do the dishes, and Tam brought water for our bottles and camelbacks for today’s hike.

We set out in two cars; really nice that the car shuttles are easy this section of our trek! We walked a quick 4 miles of CR before entering the Plover River segment. Of course, we got about a quarter of a mile and the rain started. We quickly donned our ponchos, yet the rain remained light.

Shortly after starting the segment, most people stashed their rain gear. The canopy of the trees was thick enough, and we got a few drops, but not much to worry about, and the day was heating up.

The segment had varied terrain - hills, beautiful large granite erratics, swamps, boardwalks, areas that had been logged. I’d thought the spring wildflowers along the road were amazing, but in the forest, it was truly magical.  I found myself dropping back to just get lost in the beauty of the day:  flowers, a cacophony of birdsong, and a comfortable warm day.

We crossed the Plover River a few times, once with a rock-hop, and I know I wasn’t the only one in the group that wished it had been more challenging!!  Towards the end, we walked across really cool boardwalks, twisting around the trees. We lingered to look at the swamp a bit, but it was just starting to get buggy so we kept moving.

After the segment, we drove back to camp and ate lunch, which gave us the energy to push on to do the easy 3-mile CR and Dells of Eau Claire River segment.  Its always fun to be camping on the actual route!

The Dells of Eau Claire was beautiful, but on a gorgeous Friday late afternoon, it was overrun with people!  Few were walking on the Ice Age Trail, but there were dozens gathered along the river – some fishing, most just messing around in the water.   Many of the rock formations reminded us of Devil’s Lake – but the beauty was accompanied by the awesome sound of the water rushing over the rocks.  We lingered along the river, then a footbridge brought us to the other side, where we picked up the pace as fast as we could over rocks and roots.  That side of the river reminded us a lot of the Grandfather Falls segment along the Wisconsin river.

Back to camp for dinner – Jeff and I had made the fixings for a burrito bar, so there was time to have a beer and snacks and unwind before dinner.  After two long days, Jeff and George decided to head down to the “beach” above the dam and bathe in the Eau Claire River – they came back refreshed.  Tam took a shot at inflating the “air sofa,” and the video Gary took was hysterical as the smoke from the fire gave it a mystical effect. We had a great dinner and lots of laughs. We got a text from Lynn letting us know that she and Kent were going to join us for the next two days – great news!!

The hotel gang left, and Jeff, George and I enjoyed some time around the fire – turned into a gorgeous evening.  Friday night, and the campground filled up, but nothing too rowdy.

Saturday morning, we had a little more time since we were meeting Lynn and Kent at 9AM at the start of the Thornapple Creek Segment. We had a plan to make eggs and pan bread for breakfast, but there was an issue with the stove (gas leak in a valve?) and we were lucky just to heat a little water for oatmeal and coffee.  When the hotellers arrived, Dan and Jeff borrowed some tools from the neighbor and took the stove apart, but it’ll still need some work.   We shuttled two cars to Hatley, and drove back to meet Lynn and Kent.  Hugs all around – so great to have the gang all together.

Kent is doing well mending his shoulder, but still playing it safe skipping the segment treks – he’ll join us tomorrow on the CR. We had 0.8 mi of road and we started out fast.  When we turned to walk an easement along a farm field, I stopped to put on my low gaiters – good thing because we were soon slogging through a swamp.  The swamp had 18” high grass, and soon we were picking ticks off our legs – ugh.  We always joke that Dan is a “tick magnet,” but George gave him a run for his money today! We probably had about a mile of the ickyness, but soon we were out to logging roads and farm fields and it was better.

Being Saturday, we encountered 5 people – that’s a lot for the northern sections of the IAT.  We stopped to chat with two folks for a bit – a women from the Twin Cities and her brother from Sheboygan.  It was their first day of hiking the IAT, but they were excited to hear our tales and are going to try to do the whole thing too.  

We moved seamlessly to the Ringle Segment, and were disappointed in no segment signs on either of todays sections.  We encountered some boy scouts that were doing trail maintenance – fun to chat with them a bit and thank them for their work. The Ringle Segment was well maintained, with sections of thick woods with eskers, and also sections that went close to homes and farms.  We went past a house where a guy named Tim was on his riding lawn mower.  He stopped to entertain us for a bit with stories and jokes.

Eventually, the sound of the birds was replaced by the sound of heavy machinery.  At first, I thought we were hearing Highway 29, but it was actually the sound of equipment at a landfill.  The trail skirted the edge of it, and as we got downwind, the smell was awful.  From there, we turned onto the Mountain-Bay State Trail and walked that to Hatley.  The day was sunny and warm – well above 80, and the trail was in the sun. By the time we got to Hatley, we were parched.  We got into the cars and went in search of cold beer – which we found around the corner at the “Barrell Inn,” along with some local color.  We had a beer, and Jeff and George bought a six pack to go and we headed back to camp with a plan to meet the gang for pizza in Antigo that evening.

I joined Jeff and George for a river-bath – it was cold, but refreshing and felt good on my feet and sore muscles – three days with long miles so far!  We had a beer at our camp, then drove to meet the others at BB Jacks in Antigo (recommendation from the bar earlier).  We had fried appetizers, salads, and too much pizza.  None-the-less, we followed it with a DQ stop anyway.  Lots of laughs.  On the drive back to the campground, we checked out an auto museum as well as a yard with some really bizarre sculptures.  Both were attractions that we’d buzzed by a few times already, but this time I was driving!

Back to camp, I opened a bottle of wine and we had S’mores with dark chocolate – yum.  We stayed up around the fire for a bit, yet its no wonder that I had trouble falling asleep when I did go to the tent (beer, pizza, ice cream and s’mores!!!).

Sunday morning, we had a plan to meet the gang at 8am for a few hours of road walk.  We got up early, packed up the tent.  Jeff was getting the stove ready and I found that the French press had broken in its box into many little pieces of glass.  I grabbed my phone and found a café 10 miles away – so we woke George up, packed up quickly and headed to Trucks Place in Birnamwood where we found a friendly waitress and great food.  

Perfect timing – we all arrived at our meeting place at the same time.  Quick shuttle back to Hatley and we were trekking along County Highway Y – which will be a CR that we’ll have to complete next time, but we knocked 5 miles off today.

Dan and Tam, and Lynn and Kent were going to drive back to what we’d hiked on Thursday so catch them up a bit, we headed back towards Madison to get George to the airport.  Along the way, he actually found he could switch to an earlier flight which would get him home at a decent hour.

During these few days, I reflected on how awesome it’s been to experience the northern IAT for all 4 seasons now.  I don’t have a favorite – there are things I like and don’t like about each of them, but what I like best I guess is the variety.

It was neat to share with George and find that I do have a pretty good knowledge of many plants and the forests in general. I can recognize an old native forest, and can easily see when one has been logged and replanted.  I’m sad when I see invasive species introduced to pristine forests, but I know how easily it can happen.  I’m not so great at the geological terms that go with the glacial landscapes, but I’ve learned a few things (eskers, erratics, kettles, moraines). As we walked along the edge of quite a few farms, we saw great examples of fields with rocks – some that look like they’re being “farmed” for landscaping boulders.  Farming in northern WI is tough – not just due to the shorter growing season, but wow what a lot of rocks!

We had a great variety of IAT experiences for George over these 4 days, everything but a beaver dam crossing and hiking in the dark!  It feels like an accomplishment to be getting closer to home.  We have five days planned in June, and after that we should be able to make day trips.