Aight, it's 3:12 am here, been working on catching up on my course credit recovery, and I'm supposed to wake up at 7 so I can catch up my course credit recovery :D

Help :D

ATEEZ and their last message for you

Hongjoong

"Goodmorning, goodafternoon, goodevening.

You brought joy into my life when I needed it the most.

You became my comfort in the middle of difficulties.

Yet at the end of the day, when the heavens were painted black, the stars weren't enough to guide our way through the darkness.

Thank you for being my muse, and I hope that you won't mind when you still be the inspiration to my lyrics. One thing though, please continue listening to my music. I know it won't be much, but I really am wishing that you'll still find comfort in them.

Be successful in life, Y/N, I'll always root for you like how you always did to me."

Seonghwa

"Let me call you this for the last time, and after that, you won't hear from me anymore.

Baby, I miss you so, so much. It's difficult to wake up in the morning without you by my side. Heck, it's difficult to do even the smallest things knowing that you're not mine anymore.

I guess I just have to live with it. It's painful, but the agony that I have put you through surely doesn't compare to this.

I appreciate all the things that you have done for me. I will always hold all of our memories close to my heart.

Take care and be happy."

Yunho

"Hey, Y/N, it's like 3 AM and here I am writing you a message that I won't even have the guts to send. It's different when I'm drunk, so if you're reading this, meaning I'm dizzy af and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Still, if I go there to you and beg for you to take me back, will you? Huh? Will you?

I just want to hold you in my arms again and never let go. I am so stupid for even letting you walk out that door. I should have chased after you.

All these regrets are gnawing at me inside and out. You are the love of my life, the person that I want to spend an eternity with and I can't believe that I throw all of that away.

I'm so sorry for loosening my grip on you, on us.

P.S. I still love you so fucking much"

Yeosang

"You wouldn't believe what I had done today, I accidentally left one piece of chicken at the table. I didn't eat it.

The reason?

I saved one for you, the thigh part, our favorite.

Silly right?

I still unconsciously do the habits that I got when we were dating... and I don't think I'll be able to get rid of them like how I can't get rid of you in my heart and mind.

I want to be back with you, but I know that it's impossible.

You wouldn't take back a man who took you for granted. Now I realize how important you are, how big of an influence you are in my life.

I will forever apologize for making you feel like you aren't enough."

San

"Hey!

I'm sorry, I know it's inappropriate for me to message you like this. I know that we have already broken up, and fuck, that hurts okay. Saying and thinking that we're not together anymore is painful as hell but it's okay, we promised that we'll accept the ending and take care of ourselves.

I'm just passing by here because, well you see I unconsciously bought a key chain that reminded me of you. I'll be dropping this in front of your door, no need to greet me or anything.

I hope that you'll keep and use this because everything that you have given to me, I will treasure all of it until death."

Mingi

"I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

I can't do shit without them reminding me of you. This is so difficult, why did we even break up over something so idiotic. We can fix that if we wanted to, but we're fools who decided to impulsively shatter something so precious.

I don't have any reasons why I didn't fight for you, I don't know fuck. I apologize for not holding on. You have probably blocked me but, one day, if this message ever reached you, I hope that you're living the fullest life ahead."

Wooyoung

"Okay!!! I am so fucking upset because I saw that photo you posted on instagram. You're with a guy who's not me!!!

Yeah yeah, I gotta do this quick because Seonghwa hyung will snatch my phone and he'll say "You're drunk! Don't do things that you'll regret in the morning!"

Fuck that for real, I wasn't even drunk when I chose to drop you instead of holding you close to me that night. Not a single fucking drop of alcohol in my blood yet I still did bullshit that I'll definitely regret my whole life.

Y/N, what do you want me to do? Please I'll do anything just for you to be back again."

Jongho

"Hi Y/N.

First, I would like to apologize in advance if this would seem like an email for a job interview because frankly, I feel like being casual with you won't sit right anymore.

Second, I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry.

These are the three things that I should have always told you before, maybe if I did, you would have stayed.

I hope that you'll meet a man who will treat you better, the best even. You deserve that much, you deserve the whole world.

Certainly, I don't deserve you but still, thank you for accepting and loving me for who and what I am.

I'll never forget you and there will always be a part of me who will remain with you."

---------------------------------------------------

Taglist:

@hyuckilstan @ateezbabysitters @minkiflwr @hwadump

Weed update:

Weed is great but the after affects and the waves of dread and despair hit me so hard in the morning. Waking up is supposed to be a rebirth; a new day is upon us and I choose to be how I was in the past (pessimistic, susceptible to negativity, letting things snowball)

I can’t find solutions to the weird problems I have. Root causes for things help to cope but the gravity of my potential impact on this world is jarring…it makes me dizzy and unable to dream and I dont know what’s right or wrong. Im damaging my brain day by day but as i’ve come into myself recently, I see that I am in fact, quite reasonably human and reasonable humans drink and smoke and fuck and work out and talk to one another; sometimes passionately but most times it is idle in nature. The root cause being that humans do thèse things because they are human, And that’s the only reason we need. It’s not so simple, nor is it so unbelievably complex but it’s oh so frustrating. The only thing I’ve wanted to understand was others and i’ve made amazing strides towards this goal, but in the end, while it’s not a futile effort, it is rather arbitrary and there’s too many dead ends.

My findings are that people, wherever they lie on social standings, will always go out of their way to express their ideals, beliefs and their artistic visions. There’s no true hiding that can be done, but lets be real: body language experts are such horrid cunts and that whole practice is suspect to say the least. That being said, I get called out a lot for stereotyping people, and they are correct to do so but I’ve noticed that people dont usually tend to break social contracts, even arbitrary ones like marriage, friendships and job obligations but they also don’t go against the social conventions of their communities. I believe that community is essential to human life and capitalism and other shit has really skewed this sonic truth about human life. People in certain groups will act a certain way, but that is not a guarantee because guess what? People are complex! We like the mystery of others, so if I make an assumption about someone based on what I know about their culture and their upbringing, that’s just a lead into learning the actual true things about one. People break stereotypes as much if not more than they follow them and I think it’s fascinating truly.

In other news, my love life has continued to be in shambles but I do hope for a change in that whenever the Gods believe that I deserve what I am worthy of. That being said, dating apps are a disgusting trap for those seemingly desperate enough to play a part in the company’s shitty game (me af) and while I just literally typed that out, I don’t really hate dating apps, I just don’t like the way it’s set up. There’s this disgusting aspect to seeing others show themselves off with no substance and the substance is impossible to find because it’s too fucking hard to bridge the gap between the mutual agreement that we live in the same general area and not getting a feel for someone automatically by meeting them in an “organic” matter, but I still dont think it’s bad. I think the thing that bugs me is almost having to pay for the services because dating and being seen by other’s in your dating pool is really fucking hard! Like extremely hard, even if you’re confident and attractive like I like to believe that I am. I dont want to sound anywhere close to a misogynist, but I’ve noticed that through these dating apps, people seem to pigeonhole themselves into seemingly being one-dimensional and that’s concerning because even the people, ugly in their heart, are filled with endless depth that many do not know of, and while the physical aspect isn’t there, it’s still an odd, new thing that we’re still wrapping our heads around. I’m also very concerned about cis-women because I’m not convinced that they like men, but aspects of “masculinity” that are derived from social expectations but that are inhabited by those who I describe as “men-adjacent” (fruits, transwomen/transmen, dudes who know about hello kitty, dudes with a decent to great skincare routine, etc.) and by that I mean that this notion of the definition of masculinity, some machismo enigma of hard labor and bad takes, is 1. Not sought after and 2. Behind the times, maybe even forgotten, and it’s destroying my brain because what the fuck is the point of Irish Spring, Axe bodyspray, Old Spice and beard oil if that’s not what I would presume their dating pool would be, women, want from them at all? It’s still hitting me and it’s not that im even affected by this in any romantic sense (I’m nonbinary and have a devotion to looking as attractive as possible by almost any means) it’s just baffling…

And i know what the variable is that I’m missing! Conservative “people”! That’s not a bad point to make, but even those fools do exactly what I was alluding too. The gun girl cunt bitch lady has the most twinked up gayed out husband and the other shapiro also has a husband that is so against the conventions that they preach and so with that, I will say that the biggest voice for this arbitrary nonsense are not the ones that practice, but the ones who preach…

I’m just very alone romantically and it’s really making my grit my teeth so fucking bad! It’s not a sex thing! I’ve already had sex I dont even care about these primal, carnal urges I just WANT A FUCKING HUG WITH SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME!!! I WILL NOT SURRENDER AND GIVE UP ON CIS WOMEN BUT GODDAMN THEY ARE RETARDS!!!

shifting story 2/3

I remeber being so confused and not knowing where I was and suddenly thinking like omg did I shift?! And got so excited and started exploring the place but I still didn’t know if I had really shifting, I knew I wanted to look for someone who had the same kind of crown that I did, but I was so confused I still didn’t know if I was dreaming or what, I went up some spiral staricase not really knowing if I was supposed to go there and I was dizzy, so I almost fell but got a grip of the railing, then I thought well If Im dreaming and I fall over the railing (2 mt from the ground +-)  I will definitely wake up, so instead of finding some food like a normal perso would to see if I could taste it I just threw myself over the railing back first because I would chicken out if I did it face first, and guess what? I didn’t wake up, it hurt AF I remeber my back hiting the ground and I couldn’t breath for some seconds, my head also kind hit the ground but softer, then I heard some girl voices and looked around and there was a group of girls around me kind of judgy if I do say so myself but well I had just yeeted myself out of the stairs so, a couple of girls aproached me and helped me out I made friends with them one of them had the same kind of crown I did, they helped me to  the infirmary that was empty since there were only student’s in the castle and I lied down on the bed, I remember that after that I felt quite fine and I thought it was weird

Camila’s spotify playlists 2015 part 2

So I found Camila’s playlists and wanted to have a look at the lyrics, thought I’d share my thoughts on this with you.

On my mind - Ellie Goulding

It's a little dirty how the whole thing started I don't even really know what you intended Thought that you were cute and you could make me jealous Poured it down, so I poured it down Next thing that I know I'm in the hotel with you  ---- Locked in the hotel /There's just some things that never change(Señorita)

You were talking deep like it was mad love to you You wanted my heart but I just liked your tattoos Poured it down, so I poured it down

And now I don't understand it You don't mess with love, you mess with the truth And I know I shouldn't say it But my heart don't understand

I always hear, always hear them talking Talking 'bout a girl, 'bout a girl with my name Saying that I hurt you but I still don't get it You didn't love me, no, not really Wait, I could have really liked you I'll bet, I'll bet that's why I keep on thinking 'bout you It's a shame (shame), you said I was good

You got yourself in a dangerous zone 'Cause we both have the fear, fear of being alone

Why I got you on my mind (you think you know somebody)

Wasn’t expecting that - Jamie Lawson 

It was only a smile but my heart it went wild I wasn't expecting that ----- But I expect, You expect, We expect (Expectations)-----

Just a delicate kiss, anyone could've missed I wasn't expecting that

Did I misread the sign? Your hand slipped into mine I wasn't expecting that You spent the night in my bed, You woke up and you said "Well, I wasn't expecting that"

I thought love wasn't meant to last, I thought you were just passing through If I ever get the nerve to ask What did I get right to deserve somebody like you? I wasn't expecting that It was only a word, it was almost mis-heard I wasn't expecting that But it came without fear, A month turned into a year I wasn't expecting that

Isn't it strange how a life can be changed In the flicker of the sweetest smile We were married in spring You know I wouldn't change a thing Without that innocent kiss, what a life I'd have missed

If you'd not took a chance on a little romance When I wasn't expecting that Time doesn't take long, three kids up and gone I wasn't expecting that When the nurses they came, said it's come back again I wasn't expecting that Then you closed your eyes, you took my heart by surprise I wasn't expecting that!

Tenerife Sea - Ed Sheeran

You look so wonderful in your dress I love your hair like that The way it falls on the side of your neck Down your shoulders and back We are surrounded by all of these lies And people that talk too much You got that kind of look in your eyes As if no one knows anything but us ----I’m sorry, but these lines Camren af ---

Should this be the last thing I see I want you to know it's enough for me 'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need

I'm so in love So in love So in love So in love

You look so beautiful in this light Your silhouette over me The way it brings out the blue in your eyes Is the Tenerife sea And all of the voices surrounding us here They just fade out when you take a breath Just say the word and I will disappear Into the wilderness

Lumiere, darling Lumiere over me

You look so wonderful in your dress I love your hair like that And in the moment I knew you, Beth

Pass out - Tinie Tempas

Let's have a toast, a celebration, get a glass out And we can do this until we pass out So let it rain, let it pour away And we won't come down Until we hit the ground and pass out Look at me I've been a cheeky bastard, man and Look at all the drama we started, now I’m In here laying on my back Saying DJ won't you give me one more track? So let it rain, let it pour away And we won't come down Until we hit the ground and pass out So let it rain, let it pour away And we won't come down Until we hit the ground and pass out

Taken - One Direction

Now that you can't have me You suddenly want me Now that I'm with somebody else You tell me you love me I slept on your doorstep Begging for one chance Now that I finally moved on You say that you missed me all along

Who do you think you are? ---- I have questions for you / Number one, tell me who you think you are (I have questions)---- Who do you think I am? You only love to see me breaking You only want me 'cause I'm taken You don't really want my heart No, you just like to know you can Still be the one who gets it breaking You only want me when I'm taken

You're messing with my head Girl that's what you do best Saying there's nothing you won't do To get me to say yes You're impossible to resist But I wouldn't bet your heart on it It's like I'm finally awake And you're just a beautiful mistake

Thank you for showing me Who you are underneath No, thank you, I don't need Another heartless misery You think I'm doing this to make you jealous And I know that you hate to hear this But this is not about you anymore

---- this song has such a ‘Should’ve said it’ and I have questions vibe ----

Some mistakes - One Direction

Circles, we're going in circles Dizzy's all it makes us We know where it takes us We've been before Closer, maybe looking closer There's more to discover Find out what went wrong without blaming each other ----  With no confrontation / I really wish we could talk about it instead (Expectations)----

Think that we got more time When we're falling behind Gotta make up our minds Or else we'll play, play, play all the same old games And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change And we take, take, take it for granted that we'll be the same But we're making all the same mistakes

Wake up, we both need to wake up Maybe if we face up to this We can make it through this Closer, maybe we'll be closer Stronger than we were before, yeah Make this something more, yeah

Yeah, yeah, that's what crazy is When it's broken, you say there's nothing to fix And you pray, pray, pray that everything will be okay While you're making all the same mistakes

Don't look back But if we don't look back We're only learning then How to make all the same, same mistakes again

I know there’s gonna be - Jamie xx

Good times, good times There's gonna be good times, good times I know there's gonna be

Worth every date til we meetings Have to turn it up on weekends Bust a toast to your real friends Tell me what you drinkin'

Remember we used to pull up and let 'em fight? That's that hood time Remember when I used to grab on that ass when it was that wood time? Yeah if that bitch walk up trippin' she get that mush time I don't waste time, I don't waste time I don't have patience, baby She gon' get on top of this dick And she gon' squish it like squish, then go fast, she Speed Racer We gon' ball, Walter Payton She my boss like I'm Prince's son Come here bae, I'ma listen I let her write me my suggestions Pop quiz, it's a pop quiz All my money comin' clean, you can't pop this She got that pussy locked up like locksmith Watch her come to my lights like a reindeer Me and papi on the same pills My diamonds could never stand still Where you goin'? Can you come here? ----Ok, so this one reminds me of Lauren’s More than that ( I need more than them diamonds that you got around your neck) and Camila’s In the dark ( Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin' / Making the rounds with all your fake friends) as well as My Oh My ( She came with you and then left with me, I went up a point, let's call it even (yeah) / Don't like the car she in, gonna end up buying her a new Beamer (let's go)------

I'll always take you back for your sex appeal (Good time, hey) Come have a good time, bust a back wine

Know say you wan' gimme suckle and corn Me deal with the scene rough like crime I make ya sing this timeI know there's gonna be good times, there's gonna be good times There's gonna be good times, there's gonna be good

I'ma ride in that pussy like a stroller I'll survive in a mothafuckin' gutter That's my mothafuckin' woadie, like the Noila And I'm comin' red like Coke-Cola I'ma have a very good time I swear to God I can't never sound like lil shorty She say she likes all of her nigga's rhymes Where is my phone? That pussy callin' I want you to pass it to Thugger Thugger Even in the summer time me and lil shawty cuddle ----  I don't be trippin on lil' shawty, I let her do whatever she please I don't be kissin' on lil' shawty, she don't be kissin' on me either (My Oh My)---- I swear to God I'ma tip you, don't got to struggle Baby girl sit it down, you not known like an usher I told lil' mama I don't bite but my teeth do I wanna control you like voodoo I'm steady screaming free Unfunk and DuLu

Wild - Troye Sivan 

Trying hard not to fall On the way home You were trying to wear me down, down Kissing up on fences and up on walls  On the way home I guess it's all working out, now'

Cause there's still too long to the weekend Too long till I drown in your hands Too long since I've been a fool, oh

Leave this blue neighbourhood Never knew loving could hurt this good, oh And it drives me wild 'Cause when you look like that I've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh It drives me wild You're driving me wild, wild, wild

We're alike you and I Two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds So can we make the most out of no time? Can you hold me? Can you make me leave my demons and my broken pieces behind?  ----  Who are you in the dark? / Show me the scary parts (In the dark)----

Also fun fact: Camila and Lauren partying with Troye in May 2016 

Beggin for thread - Banks

So I got edges that scratch And sometimes I don't got a filter But I'm so tired of eating All of my misspoken words I know my disposition gets confusing My disproportionate reactions fuse with my eager state That's why you wanna come out and play with me, yeah Why?Stooped down and out, you got me beggin' for thread To sew this hole up that you ripped in my head Stupidly think you had it under control Strapped down to something that you don't understand Don't know what you were getting yourself into You should have known, secretly I think you knew

I got some dirt on my shoes My words can come out as a pistol I'm no good at aiming But I can aim it at you I know my actions, they may get confusing But my unstable ways is my solution To even space

Sex - 1975 --- first of all, this is classic Camren song: the 1975 concert in 2014, also it shows up on multiple playlists in the following years and Lauren’s instagram story----

And this is how it starts You take your shoes off in the back of my van My shirt looks so good When it's just hanging off your back And she said use your hands and my spare time We've got one thing in common it's this tongue of mine She said she's got a boyfriend anyway----- Camila’s Like friends do ?-----

There's only minutes before I drop you off And all we seem to do it talk about sex She's got a boyfriend anyway She's got a boyfriend anyway I love your friend when I saw his film He's got a funny face but I like that because he still looks cool She's got a boyfriend anyway She's got a boyfriend anyway

Now we are on the bed in my room And I'm about to fill his shoes But you say no But do you say no Does he take care of you Or could I easily fill his shoes Do you say no Do you say no

And now we're just outside of town And you're making your way down She's got a boyfriend anyway She's got a boyfriend anyway And I'm not trying to stop you love But if we're gonna do anything we might as well just fuck She's got a boyfriend anyway She's got a boyfriend anyway

You've got your tongue pierced anyway You in your hightops anyway You in your skinny jeans anyway You and your fit friends anyway I'd take them all out any day They've all got back combs anyway You've all got boyfriends anyway

One night - Ed Sheeran

Lying in a bedroom Lighting up a Benson Face hair is growing So I cut with a vengeance Hey, did I mention As she makes an entrance Said I had a tendency To finish off a sentence

Oh well, she's a local girl No make-up Cos she knows me well Hair tied up in elastic band With a kiss on the cheek For her one-night man

Is it fast food I'll regret it after And I needed money But I'm too shy to ask her So she buys me chips and cheese And I tell her I love her And she's all I need I take it with a cold glass Of the fruit and the barley She's still a sucker for the ----I’m a sucker for the way that you move, babe (Never be the same)---- Apple and Bacardi Heading to the party Sitting in the car seat B.E.P. on radio It makes me feel naughty

I don't wanna go alone

Tell her that I love her Tell her that I need her Tell her that she's more Than a one-night stand Tell her that she turns my cheeks The colour of my hair All I wanna do is be near

Tell her that I want her Tell her that I need her Tell her that she's more than a one-night stand Tell her that I love her More than anyone else If you don't, then I'll tell her myself

And we've got love in us So if the drink kill us We're gonna dance all night ---- Lauren’s All night---- Till the floor fillers If we talk outside I say I hate wasps too I don't really dance So I'll just watch you ----  I just need your eyes on me So I can see you watching me move it, move it, move it (Back to me)---- Are you taking me back tonight? Tell me if that's alright I don't wanna be here I'm not the sofa type Tell me if you have a toothbrush You don't mind sharing She said I wanna take off What you're wearing

Conclusions

I’ve recently read Karlaswine’s song analysis from Camila and Romance and it really got me thinking. (like e.g. In the dark). The relationship got complicated in the second half of 2015 and some of Camila’s (Consequences, Real Friends, OMG) and Lauren’s (Expectations, Nada, More than that) songs could be about that time. 

And this playlists seems to confirm this theory about the rough time in late 2015, plus the general theme of inconsistency and being friends with benefits at times.

Scared - Cal Kestis

hellsfirekeepsyouwarm Hello darling! I saw you take requests for Cal Kestis and maaaaaaan I really need that. So I was thinking that the reader isn't a jedi, but does everything to help Cal and the team. They have feelings for each other but they don't really have time to talk about it or act upon it. One day they get in a really sticky situation, and they get separated in the fight, and Cal is like madman and he is scared AF, but they find each other soon. So angst and fluff 😍😍 Really hope you can fight that wiretrs block, I know it's a pain in the ass. Thank you dear.

A/N: Sorry, I tried but idk about the result 

This was not how Cal had planned his day to go, sure he was prepared to fight some stormtroopers next to you. But non of you were ready for this. The stormtroopers had received reinforcements, and well the two of you were really unprepared for that. 

So this is why the two of you are running through the forest of Naboo with a large group of stormtroopers behind you. 

All you want to do is stop running and take some deep breaths, your lungs are burning and your legs are exhausted. But it’s a death wish to stop now. BD-1 makes some distressed noises. You and Cal both stop dead in your tracks as a group of troopers are running towards you. You look behind yourself and see that the other group of troopers are getting closer. Great, you’re trapped. 

Without thinking, you take a step closer to Cal and take his arm, he places his other hand above your hand on his arm. His touch calming you a little bit. You slowly look up at him and he looks at you. If the situation was different, you’d almost drown in his green eyes. He pulls you closer to himself when the troopers stop around you with their blasters pointed at you. BD-1 beeps out loudly just as one of the troopers shoots you with a stun blaster. 

“No!” Cal shouts as you collapse to the ground. Cal growls as he ignites his lightsaber and starts to attack the troopers. 

“Quick! Stun him!” One of the troopers yells. Cal quickly turns towards that trooper but gets shot too and collapses next to you.

****************************************************************************************************

Cal groans as he slowly opens his eyes, blinking a few times. He slowly sits up as he places a hand against his head. 

“Ugh my head.” He mumbles to himself as he slowly stands up. His green eyes then scan the area, he’s in a cell...alone. A feeling of panic starts to rise in his chest. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. He then hears a beeping sound. “BD-1?” 

“Beep.” The small droid comes running towards him from one of the corners. Cal picks him up and pats his head. 

“Hey buddy, I’m so glad to see you.” He then looks around. “But where’s Y/N?” he then asks. BD beeps and Cal sighs. “We must find her! Who knows what they’ll do to her? I can’t let her get hurt, I-I can’t!.” BD beeps lowly in understanding. “If something happens to her...I can’t even...I can’t live without her BD.” The little droid makes a sad beep at that. Cal then feels after his lightsaber, breathing out in relief when he feels it still hanging on his waist. “Amateurs.” he says as he grabs it.

“Beep bop.” BD then says. Cal nods and ignites his lightsaber. 

“Yeah you’re right, we need to get out of here and find her.” He then slices the bars before crawling out from the cell. BD-1 hurries after him and jumps up on his shoulders. There’s just one problem, where should he look? The whole place is dead quiet. What if you’re somewhere else? What if you’re- no! Cal shakes his head before he starts to walk. BD-1 helps and scans the area, but beeps in disappointment when he can’t find you either. 

“I wonder where we are.” Cal the says, trying to keep his mind occupied by talking to BD-1 or himself, he isn’t really sure who he’s talking to.  The little droid beeps and Cal nods. “Yeah, that stun blaster really knocked me out. I’m still sore.” He then rubs his neck, trying to get the stiffness to go away.

He’s not sure how long he’s been walking or how many cells he’s been searching. He runs a hand through his hair and lets out a frustrated sigh. BD-1 then starts to beep hysterically before he quickly jumps down from Cal’s shoulder and start to run. Cal runs after him, trying to keep up with the small droid. He’s just about to ask what he’s up to when he suddenly sees you lying unconscious on the floor in one of the cells. He quickly drops down to his knees and grabs the bars and calls out for you, cursing when you’re not responding. He then takes his lightsaber and slices it through the bars before quickly crawling in to you. He carefully shakes you shoulders while calling your name, panic rising again when you’re not responding. 

“Come on Y/N, wake up. Don’t do this to me, don’t leave me here. Dammit come on.” He slowly strokes your cheek while he let’s his other hand rest on your other cheek. “Please.” He then whispers. He then leans his forehead against yours, still stroking your cheek. You then start to stir and Cal moves his forehead away from yours so fast he almost becomes dizzy. 

You then slowly open your eyes and groans, closing your eyes again because of the light. You then place your hand against your head before groaning again. 

“Ugh my head.” You then open your eyes completely and you yelp out in surprise as Cal pulls you up in a tight hug. 

“Oh thank goodness! You’re alright.” He breathes out in relief. Your heart starts to hammer in your chest. You’ve hugged each other before, but never like this, it’s like he’s afraid that you’ll disappear if he let’s you go. You wrap your arms around his neck and nuzzles your face into his neck, breathing in his scent. 

“Where are we?” You then ask, looking around. Cal helps you up, steadying you when you sways a bit. 

“I’d guess we’re in a cell block on a ship, hopefully the ship’s still on the ground so we can get out of here and go back to the Mantis.” You hum in response. BD-1 comes running towards you, beeping quickly and moves around in circles, happy to see that you’re alright. He then climbs up on Cal’s shoulder again and the two of you start to look around and see if you can escape somehow. 

*****************************************************************************************************

Luckily the ship was still on the ground and still on Naboo. You have no idea how you did it but the two of you managed to escape without the troopers noticing it. The fact that the troopers are so stupid but still managed to capture you still surprises you. You take a deep breath and lets it out slowly as you’re walking through the forest of Naboo once again. Relieved that the two of you are on your way back to the Mantis and that you and Cal are still in one piece. 

Cal then grabs your arm, stopping you from your walking and your thoughts. You turn to him and lets out a shocked sound when Cal cups your face and captures your lips with his. You place your hands on top of his bigger hands and closes your eyes, heart jumping in your chest and butterflies comes to life in your stomach. Cal then breaks the kiss but keeps his face close to yours, you look into his green eyes and you can feel how your cheeks gets warmer. He then boops his nose with yours while wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you closer towards himself. 

“I was so scared, I thought they had hurt you, or worse, killed you.” You wrap your arm around his neck while your other hand runs up to his hair. Cal then hugs you even tighter, desperate to feel your touch, to make sure that you’re actually okay and that you’re with him.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m here with you.” You whisper to him, kissing his cheek. 

He then cups your cheeks again and look you right in the eyes, he opens his mouth before closing it again. He then takes a deep breath. 

“And I want you to be here with me, always...I-I love you Y/N. I have for some time now but with everything going on around us...” You nod before giving him a quick peck.

“I love you too Cal, I’m not going anywhere, not even the Empire will be able to keep me away from you.” Cal gives you a small smile, he then strokes your cheek with his thumb. “Shall we go back to the others now? Before they’ll look after us.” Cal nods and takes your hand in his, intertwines your fingers. You look down at your hands and then back up to his eyes and smiles. 

“Yeah let’s do that. I’m more than ready to leave this planet now.” He says and starts to swing your hands while the two of you continues your walk to the ship.

Gaaaah! I’m so so sorry for the long wait! First the internet stopped working, then I got the flu from hell, and then life kinda happened and I had a huge writers block AGAIN while working on this one. I hope it’s good anyway, and as always, I’m not that happy with the results :/

No rush...whats your thoughts on Billy Bickle #20 or #36 And i know John Moon wasnt on there but i bet #50 could suit him real well

Finally! Sorry it took so long. 

Billy B + prompts 20. “Just admit I’m right.” &  36. “Did I say that out loud?”

1315 words; no warnings, fluffy AF. I didn’t make a new gif because I’m a lazy ass actually I really think this one fits well :)

Your breath caught in your throat as he seized your waist, drastically pulling you closer to him. His face was now only millimeters away from yours and you could feel his hot breath on your skin. He leaned in, your noses slightly touching, and you closed your eyes, parting your lips in anticipation, your heart hammering in your chest like crazy… At this your alarm clock started ringing.

- Fuck… - you whispered, pressing the snooze button and collapsing back on the pillow. The dream was so real you hated your decision to fix your sleeping schedule and learn to wake up at the same time every day, including weekends. Now you would probably never know how it felt like - kissing Billy Bickle.

Billy was your neighbor for a couple of months already. He was a bit weird and eccentric, but incredibly funny and charismatic. Pretty sure you began to realize you were having a sort of a crush on him.

Being naturally a rather shy girl, you tried your very best to hide your feelings. You were never good a flirting or making first steps, and seeing Billy once with a woman who looked totally like a top model didn’t make you feel any more confident. You became convinced he would never ever be interested in a girl like you.

Basically your crush didn’t hurt you much - you kinda got used to it. It wasn’t the first time you were silently in love with someone, so you learnt to live with it. You even managed to develop quite a friendly relationship with him. But sometimes your subconscious mind played tricks on you, such as this stunningly vivid dream where he almost kissed you. Oh well…

Sighing, you got off the bed and headed to the bathroom. After washing your face and brushing your teeth you went to the kitchen and put on a kettle. The dream didn’t go out of your mind, so while waiting for your tea you opened the Moleskine and started to write. It was another secret of yours - sometimes you wrote poetry. You’ve never shown your poems to anyone. Not that you were ashamed or something, just didn’t see the point. Actually you had no idea why you wrote them. They just appeared in your head - a process you couldn’t quite explain. Suddenly you heard someone knocking at your door.

- Billy? - You asked, surprised, as you opened the door and saw your neighbor in front of you. Seeing him in the flesh right after that dream felt a bit surreal and awkward.

- Yeah, uh… Hi, y/n! Sorry for such an early visit, - he smiled softly, rubbing the back of his neck. - The thing is, I’ve been out of town for a while, returned yesterday night and dozed off immediately. And now I wake up, and guess what I find out? I run out of coffee!

- Wow… That’s really tragic…

- Exactly! So I thought I could borrow some coffee from you… If you have any…

- Yeah, I think I do… I’ll go to the kitchen and check… - You paused for a second. It wasn’t very polite to make him wait at your door. - Wanna um… Come in?

- Sure! Thanks! - Billy grinned.

He followed you to the kitchen, his curious green eyes observing your place along the way.

- I actually don’t drink coffee very often, - you told without looking at him, while checking the cupboards one by one. - But I’m sure I had some…

- Hey, what’s that? Are you a poet? Wait a minute… Is that my name?

- What?

Your heart dropped as you realized you’ve left the Moleskine opened on the kitchen table. You turned to him abruptly and snatched the notebook from his hands as fast as you could, hiding it behind your back.

- N-no, I’m not!.. There’s nothing, really. Just a few lines, - you giggled nervously.

- But… - Billy narrowed his eyes, stepping closer to you. - I’m pretty sure I saw my name there. “Billy B” - is that me, right? Wow… Do you have a crush on me, y/n? - He chuckled. - I had no idea…

- Crush? No, I… I don’t have a crush at all!.. - You tried to protest.

- Why are you blushing so hard than? - He gave you an amused look. - Come on, y/n. Just admit I’m right.

- Billy, it’s really not what you think it is…

He raised his eyebrows, looking at you questioningly.

- I was just thinking how it would feel if the kiss happened, - you blurted out.

- Huh?.. - Billy’s face turned even more amused.

- Oh gosh, did I say it out loud? - You groaned, hiding your face in your palms for a couple of seconds before facing him again.

- Okay, look. It’s just… I just had a dream where you and me were about to kiss, but it didn’t happen, because I woke up, - you explained. - So I was wondering how it would feel if it happened, you know? It has nothing to do with the real you, I swear. Just that Billy, from my dream…

Damn, you sounded so stupid!.. It was probably the most awkward moment in your entire life so far. And these mischievous eyes of his didn’t make the situation any better.

- Well, shame… - he replied suddenly.

- Wh… Why? - You frowned. - What do you mean?..

- I mean it’s a shame it has nothing to do with the real me. Because to tell the truth I’d love to show you how it feels like.

You felt your face burning. Was it really happening? Did he really say this? You opened your mouth to say something in reply, but didn’t have a chance to do it, because the next moment he leaned in and his lips captured yours without any warning. Caught unawares, you gasped as his warm tongue shamelessly slipped between your parted lips. The Moleskine fell on the floor. Humming against your mouth, Billy cupped your cheek, his thumb gently brushing your skin. Without thinking, you placed your hand on the back of his head, gripping onto his hair, pulling him closer, making him kiss you deeper. Where did all your shyness go? Your tongues moved towards each other, sending shivers down your spine and butterflies in your stomach.

As he finally broke the kiss, you were absolutely breathless and slightly dizzy.

- Hey, what’s wrong?.. - Billy whispered, his voice slightly hoarse, as you lowered your eyes avoiding looking at him.

- Nothing, I just… I’ve never dared to think I could possibly be your type, - you mumbled.

-What? My type? I honestly have no idea what my type is! Never thought of such things. - He laughed, but then his face turned suddenly serious, as he reached your chin, causing you look him in the eye.

- All I know is that you’re beautiful and I wanted to do this for quite a long while actually.

- You did?..

- Yep. Just wasn’t sure if you won’t punch me in the face for that, - he chuckled.

- I think I won’t, - you smiled as he caressed your cheek.

- So, now you can finish your poem, huh? - Billy smirked, wrapping his arms around you. - Did I meet your expectations?

- I’d say you surpassed them…

- Oh, you’re blushing again! That’s so cute!

- Billy, stop!

- Never, - he hushed, kissing your cheeks.

- I think I’m still sleeping, - you murmured, snuggling closer to his chest. - It’s too much for one morning.

- Want me to pinch you? - He smiled contently against your lips, pulling you into another kiss.

And what about coffee? Coffee could definitely wait.

***

Sorry if it was too cheesy. This reader is basically a reflection of my teenage self - I never confessed my feelings to any of my crushes and just silently wrote silly poetry xD Why would a grown woman act like a teenager? Don’t ask xDD

okay, I’m tired AF and should be asleep already but today was pretty good. I woke up to like 4 alarms going off at 9 am because the built in alarm on my phone has been not going off randomly so I downloaded a bunch of alarm apps and set them all, and it took me a solid like 3 minutes to figure out how to turn all of them off lol. I convinced myself to get out of bed, had some breakfast, and then started work, which I did from 9:30 to 5:30 to get my 8 hours in and officially make my hour count for the week 40.1 hours, which at least means I’ll get a nice paycheck for the week. I started writing the brief, going through the procedural history and most of the statement of facts. it’s one of those annoying cases where there’s no real summary of the medical history, so I just end up scrolling through endless medical records and trying to pull out what was important. But I managed alright. When it was 5:30 I stopped and started getting ready for soccer. I was fairly hesitant going into this game for several reasons. the first would be that this is the first round of “playoffs” (everyone is guaranteed one game) and I guess in an effort to make sure the best teams get to the final, instead of having the top two ranked teams play each other, they had the top ranked team play the last ranked team, which, you guessed it, is my team. Now, that in itself wouldn’t be that bad, we’ve lost plenty of games before and idgaf about that really. Where it starts getting bad is a lot of people from our team were unable to make the game, so we were down to 7 people when the game is supposed to be 8 v 8 so not only would we be down a player on the field, but we wouldn’t have any subs and everyone would have to play the whole game. Since the league is co-ed they have a rule where you have to have at least 3 girls on the field at one time, and we were initially down to only 2 girls coming, but one of the guys was bringing his girlfriend who plays, so we’d at least have 3. But yeah, all of this was making me super hesitant because I have not played a full game in like....15 years maybe?? certainly not since my lungs started acting up when I was like 12 or so. The game is only 40 minutes total thankfully, but that’s still a lot of time to be on the field straight with only a 2 minute halftime break. But I didn’t want to bail on the last week because that would be a shitty thing to do, so I got all my stuff and walked down to the bus stop, took it over to the stop nearest the fields and walked the rest of the way from there. I was initially the first person from my team there, but the other girl from the team showed up soon after, and the guys started showing up pretty soon. The guy who was bringing his girlfriend with him showed up in a Northwestern Law shirt and was like “yeah I took the bar yesterday” and I knew he went to NW but didn’t know he was in law school, so I talked to him a little about it but not too much because recovering from the bar is a lot and getting peppered with questions about it is not helpful. Our real streak of luck here happened when there were these two guys playing on the field and they asked if they could join our game. At that point our last player hadn’t showed yet so we were looking at only 6 people on the field, so we said yes and managed to get them into fairly similar shirts to us. They appeared to be of hispanic descent with somewhat of accents, which I only mention because by and large it seems like people not from the US are soooooooo much better at playing soccer than we are, and boy oh boy was that true here. Our last guy did show up so we ended up having one sub, but since it was a guy all the girls had to play the full game anyway, but it was still good to have. So we started playing and like, these guys are really damn good. Like I’m just watching their footwork and their control of the ball and it was insane, I was so jealous lol. I didn’t have a great first half, kind of fumbled with the ball a bit, which I think was mostly due to nerves as I was concerned about my breathing being okay. I also apparently lost the ability to touch the ball and remain standing afterwards, as it seemed like I was on the ground after every time I kicked it, and even sometimes when I didn’t. At half time though we were only down two goals which we were all pretty pleased with because we thought it was going to be much worse. I had a significantly better second half performance wise, which I was very happy about, but my breathing ended up getting much more labored from doing more running, and there was one period where my lungs started making concerning noises, and about 10 seconds where I started feeling dizzy and was like oh fuck I’m going to pass out, but thankfully it passed and I was able to get my breathing under control. I had some pretty good interceptions which I was pleased with, managed to at least disrupt their path with the ball. There was one time where the guy playing center defense (I was doing left defense) kicked the ball laterally towards me without looking to see if I was actually there and I wasn’t because I had been covering the girl on the other team and we were both just like !!! fuck lol. but yeah, we played really well and I was happy about it. The other team, on the other hand, were playing like real assholes. They were definitely pissed they weren’t winning by more, and the number of fouls they got called on them for playing dirty, like tripping, grabbing people’s shirts, and just generally being really aggressive/violent to the point where two of their players ended up getting yellow carded, and for some perspective out of the seven weeks of games we’ve had this is the first time I’ve seen someone get carded. The one guy almost got thrown out of the game for cursing at the ref (like wtf??? who does that??) even though there was like 30 seconds left in the game at that point. So especially given how they were playing I was pleased with how we did. The final score ended up being 3-0, which is really quite good when you consider some games we’ve had this season were like, 6-1 with us losing lol. So we felt good about it. Once I got off the field I looked down and saw what looks like it’s going to be a massive bruise with a really big scratch mark going across it. I hadn’t noticed it at all so I have no idea when it even happened lol. could’ve been worse though, at least there was no blood. We all talked to each other about signing up for other seasons and keeping a team together, because the thing with pretty much all the other teams is that they’ve been playing together for years now, and the only way we’re gonna get to that point is if we continue to play together, so I definitely intend on doing that. The one guy had signed up for a Monday night fall league that’s 11 v 11, which sounds nice because playing 8 v 8 on a tiny ass field gets pretty annoying when you only ever have a split second with the ball before someone’s on top of you. So I may end up doing that. The two guys who joined us (who we were SO thankful to) wanted to keep playing with us too (they said they just came to Chicago and were looking for opportunities to play) so I traded phone numbers with one of them and we’ll keep in contact. So yeah, overall a lot better than I expected. We all said our goodbyes (for now anyway) and I walked down to the bus stop, and took that home. The bus was being rerouted a bit due to construction on the main road so I had to get off a stop early before they went several blocks south before proceeding further west. Walked home from there, roommate was home and doing the dishes (which I was super happy about because they were starting to smell really bad and like, dishes are my least favorite thing to do and most of it was hers so I was really hoping she’d do them) since she’s going to be out of town this weekend too. I’m only gonna be gone for like 24 hours, so I’ll just leave kitty out some extra food and I’m sure she’ll be fine, she normally doesn’t even eat all the food in her bowl every day so she’ll be good. I chilled out for a bit and then got in the shower because I was still soaked through with sweat, then pretty much started getting ready for bed from there because I was pretty damn tired, and now I’m here. Probably not going to make that 9 am wake up again tomorrow, but tomorrow starts the new pay period so if I don’t hit 8 hours in one day it’ll be okay, especially given I can work on the plane rides this weekend, so I’m not concerned. And yeah, that’s about it, sleep is definitely calling my name so I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight my friends. Happy Friday.

Day of surgery!

I realized with my last post I probably should have put a break in. O well. Here’s what the day of the surgery was like. I’m likely to write a separate post about the first night because the first night was rough. I won’t lie about that.

So my surgery was scheduled at noon. This makes having no food or fluids before surgery not particularly easy. Luckily the nurse giving me some pre-op info said I had to have clear liquids after like 3 am and a hard stop on everything at 7-ish AM. That’s not so bad. Especially since I normally wake up at 5:30-6 for work. Per the normal I got up at like 5, took my omeprazole (ODT, so on water needed) I debated having a drink, but was doing ok. I never fell back asleep, which might have helped me. I was just really tired and everything felt surreal.

10 AM my dad picked me up, dropped off a bag with my sister (I would be staying with her for 2 days), visited with my mom and aunt for a little bit, went to the surgery center. Because of COVID, my dad was not allowed to stay in the building. Correction, he could stay in the office reception area with me until I went back, but couldn’t not go back with me. So he just dropped me off. I’ll be honest that I’m kind of glad the ones to see me wake up were medical staff only. If anyone I guess is curious, I was wearing loose-ish yoga pants, a tunic-style tank top, and a off the shoulder light sweatshirt over that. No bra because I wasn’t sure how high cut below the bust would be and I didn’t want anything causing problems. I was a little concerned about underwear because one of the incisions is at the belly button, and that’s where my pants sit. For the record, I did not have a single issue with that incision site. Glad I didn’t wear a bra because it would just be a pain. The incision under the bust is probably 2-3 finger widths below where my bra would sit, but you are swollen. So one less thing to worry about or put on while still having anesthesia wear off. 

Here’s where I’m going to start possibly discussing all the things you might not want to know, and that will include menstruation because yeah. Of course that started day of surgery. (Why not?) But this is also really key in part of my recovery too. I’m not at all ashamed of my body functioning the way that it is supposed to, but if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable, you won’t like me. :)

I get there, meet the nurse, meet everyone else, you have to confirmed with every single person why you’re there because surgery for the wrong things happen. This helps make sure you know the staff has the right person and that you actually know why you’re there. It’s still weird to say with every person I’m here to get rid of my gallbladder. 

My meeting with the anesthesiologist was interesting, but very assuring. I’ll tell you why: the only surgery I’ve ever had was to have my wisdom teeth removed. I was put under, but I woke up in the middle of it while they were drilling. That was scary. I also woke up absolutely sobbing after oral surgery not because I was in pain, but I tend to hold my stress in and sobbing is just one way I release that. This is also to reassure anyone who wakes up crying, that’s ok. The medical staff if used to it. The anesthesiologist assured me I would not wake up in the middle because I would be completely out just in case I had a little trauma from oral surgery. The anesthesia is different, but it was still something in the back of my head. She also confirmed that waking up and having a sort of let down of tears is normal. Please believe me it is. Especially if you’re a tension crier. lol I’m one of those that gets so angry I cry. Again, it’s not because I was in pain, but it was 100% just a release of tension. 

So because my period had started that day, I wasn’t too worried about bleeding all over the place, but I let the nurse know because you should always be upfront with the medical staff. The only down side was that I could not have anything inserted during surgery. It made sense. They just put some pads down under me just in case (and again, good to let the medical staff know just in case they see blood). The weird part was the solution was just to use one of those bulky bulky pads and just let my thighs hold it in place. Again. First day. Wasn’t worried, but whatever makes life easier on everyone.

I get the IV hooked up, chat with everyone some more. Yes, I’m here to have my GB removed, etc. That weird like air-filled blanket was so nice and warm. They start the IV and start to wheel me down the hall. I mention that it kind of stings, and I’m out before we get to the OR. 

Now for all the “fun” parts of post-op!

All the disclaimers: by no means do I wish to scare anyone. I had plenty of people tell me I’ll be fine within 3 days (not true), or the sore throat is worse than the incisions, I’ll be able to eat whatever I want within a day of surgery, etc. Please understand it’s still major surgery. They’re cutting through your abdominal muscles. It will take time to heal. Do NOT compare your healing to others. I had one friend run a half marathon 10 days after surgery, I had another friend not be able to eat much beyond bland foods for the first month or two. Again: DO NOT compare how you’re healing with others. Look for support, advice, but try not to get frustrated that day 5 post op you’re still in pain. It’s ok. It’s still major surgery. Take yourself to a limit or just before that limit, then stop. Check every now and then if that limit is more. Don’t punish yourself for not healing fast enough, well enough, etc. Just stop it. :)

I woke up from surgery. The whole surgery took about 40 minutes. I’m drifting in and out of sleep, but I’m nauseated as effffffff. My stomach also hurts and burns. Worst pain ever? I’m not sure, but it definitely hurt. I’m not sure if the first words I said were I’m nauseous, but it was pretty much one of the first things I was really aware of besides the pain. The nurse put an ice pack on my side, they gave me pain meds, but it didn’t really do what I wanted it to do. I was still in pain. I did end up crying a little. Not the giant sobs like after oral surgery. I also remember the nurse asking me if I knew someone named Kris while I was still waking up. Apparently she knew my aunt. I don’t have a common last name. One day I’ll remember to tell me aunt...oops. lol Aaaanyway. So I’m still in pain, I’m involuntarily shivering, and the nurse tells me that I should take the oral pain meds because it will last longer. Side note: I am absolutely horrible at taking pills. I can’t without food. If my brain knows there’s a pill I find it and half the time end up biting them. I’ve gotten better, but still. They give me a pill for pain, one of those little cans of ginger ale and saltines. My mouth is dry AF. My throat does not hurt (never did), but I’m a little dry and scratching from the oxygen tube. You cannot swallow saltines or similar crackers with NO moisture in your mouth. Don’t even try. But with a swish of ginger ale, it’s ok.  Still not the pain relief, but I did notice that the two little saltines did help with the nausea a bit.

Eventually the nurses switch, the surgeon comes in stating it was a success and good thing we got that GB out because it had a few stones in it (understatement I would later find, but I was also still feeling the anesthesia, so I understand keeping the conversation short and to the point lol), blah blah. Eventually the new nurse takes me for a small walk around the wing. That was painful. I swore a few times, but moving is necessary and it did help. It brought a little more color to my face. She was great. She kept reminding me, I have two hands and two arms. Use them. Once around the block was plenty for me, I did feel a little dizzy and nauseated, but again. As painful as it was, it was necessary to move. It continues to be necessary to move. I wake up more, my sister is called, she picks me up, we go get my drugs. My sister has all the discharge stuff, she’s supposed to make me get up every hour, no drugs until this time, etc. I was also just SO tired on top of being sore. I shuffle around the pharmacy slowly, look at my sister and say I’m going to vomit. It kinda scared the lady next to us, I saw the look on her face. Poor thing lol. I do not vomit, but we get my drugs and run into one family member in the parking lot. I did not want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to sit in a chair or lay in bed and not get up. 

We get home, my nephew is 2 and very mad he can’t sit in my lap. I’m pretty aware of my surroundings, I got up from the recliner a few times, I eat a few oyster crackers for dinner so I can take my pain meds, and eventually, and VERY slowly, go upstairs to bed. Yeah, that’s a separate post. lol I was ok as long as I wasn’t moving because you’re body gets stuck in this, as long as you don’t move we’ll make this work mode. But again, moving is important. 

I’ll post about my first night later. Again, this isn’t to scare people, but it’s what happened to me. As “easy” of a surgery this was, it’s still a road to healing. It’s still surgery. Multiple incision sites in your abdomen. Be kind to yourself. 

So today’s been a long day. I guess I owe it to anyone who has been following my nebulous updates throughout the day (and night) if you were awake then to see the beginnings of my struggle day hah). I guess I’ll start from last night. (Warning: really fucking long post under cut)

I was already feeling faint and weak by 6:30pm or so yesterday. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, which is bad, I know because I’m supposed to sleep a little more than normal due to the concussion. I slept about 5 hours the precious night. I thought I’d probably crash soon since I didn’t think it was likely that I’d be able to stay awake much longer. But I wanted to get some work done too that night and I had to shower too. Took my shower – that woke me up a bit, thankfully. I worked for a few hours and finished up a document, which, although it wasn’t much work, at least I got something done for this other job so I wouldn’t feel as bad. Around 10pm I started fading again. I crashed at around 10:30pm finally, hoping to get a solid night of sleep so I’d have a productive day of work tomorrow morning. I had a lot of writing to get done.

Instead, I had…a nightmare? Of sorts? It started out as kind of a normal every day kind of dream. I was messaging a friend here on tumblr as we usually do, and they sent me a gif of them eating a pizza – cuz if I went to sleep, then they’d eat pizza. Or something. So I was glad to see them enjoying their pizza. I don’t hear from them again for 3 hours, and it turns out the pizza was weed infused, haha. So now they’re pretty high and having a good time. I’m really happy for them. It turns out they’re going to attend graduate school where I went to undergrad, which is awesome – I was very excited to have them share a school experience with me ahah. But then I don’t hear from them for a little while longer and then get this short dense message from them that’s hard to read, but it seems serious. It’s about 3 sentences long, but it has no punctuation or capitalisation so it’s really hard to focus and see what it says. I get the gist of the first part “this is really hard for me to say…” and then I think it goes into them talking about how they have come to the difficult decision of annulling our friendship. ….I can…hardly believe it. I try really hard to read exactly what the words are saying to better understand what I did wrong, but I can’t focus – I’m dizzy and the words keep blurring together. I can only gather that I’m too unpredictable and not forthcoming or something along those lines – but it’s so hard to read.

Then I wake up from the anxiety attack induced by this. It’s a little past midnight.

I needed to confirm that the dream wasn’t true, so bleary eyed (I had only slept about 1.5 hours, but my heart was thudding out of my chest from anxiety), I turn to my phone. No messages from them. Hm. There’s also a chance they aren’t awake but idk. So I message them about the dream hoping for confirmation that the dream wasn’t real. They are awake. But the confirmation I was hoping for – to be comforted that the dream was unfounded – I did not receive. Shit. So. Well then… even if the dream did not happen, it would not be unreasonable to believe that it ..could happen. At any point. Sometime soon? Did they not want to be friends anymore? At least since I was talking to the real deal now and not trying to read a message in a dream, they could verballing confirm for me what the reasons would be for wanting to annul out friendship. They could tell me what I’ve been doing wrong that was so intolerable. And I’d respect it. I’d respect their decision to stop talking to me.

I realise I was.. probably delirious. And just not in a good mental place. For a lot of reasons. The dream-induced anxiety, the lack of sleep, the concussion, etc. But I had it in my head that there were these set of reasons that my friend had come up with for why they decided that they could no longer continue our friendship. And I needed to wring this out of them. And they were being dodgy and evasive and using vague words like “it’s complicated” or “you have your flaws” – but those weren’t responding to exactly what those were – or the reason to annul our friendship. The combination of the words they were using in this real life scenario and my dream of them wanting to annul our friendship.. was.. just a very bad combination. Nothing about the way I was thinking was.. on track.

Eventually they end up telling me some of their concerns, which are…not at all the concerns I thought – or had imagined in my dream. And that cognitive dissonance was able to break me out of the dream-mental-reality I was in. idk. That delirious talk also raised some other questions, but.. they needed to sleep. I can’t even imagine what that conversation must have been like on their end, tbh. I can hardly conceptualise what it was on my end since so little of it was grounded in reality.

It’s another hour or so before I fall asleep. I sleep at maybe 3am. Wake up promptly at 7am without an alarm (7:02 was sunrise; I remember I checked my phone at 7:04am). It takes me way too long to get ready for work. I was planning on walking to work, not biking (it’s about a 40 minute walk), but by the time I am ready to leave, it’s already 8:55am. I don’t know where the time went. So I stagger over to get my bike because if I’m going to be late, at least I won’t be…ridiculously late.

I’m at work by 9:30am. I can’t get any work done. I can’t focus. I make some edits to the document based on suggestions my supervisor had left, but I’m unable to generate complete sentences. I’m distracted and just can’t focus on anything at all. But I… check my e-mail and see I got a free haircut because of my blood donation at this hypermasculine place called SportClips? I check locations, and the nearest one is some 4 miles away. I don’t know if I want to make that trek – but I am due for a haircut I guess. I’ve been looking shaggy and haggardly lately I guess. My friend strongly urges me to get my hair cut – I guess on account of the recent attack. I guess I can pass as female (like a short haired androgynous female), so they do urge me to get my hair cut. Buzzed. Okay. I’ll have to find some time to allocate to get to this SportClips then. My friend and I laugh about how ridiculously hypermasculine this place is marketed. “Sports on TV” “Guy Smart Stylists” “It’s good to be a guy!” “You’re always welcome for a mini Man Break.” *images of attractive women cutting men’s hair and men watching Sports™ together* Tbh it’s a little nauseating. 

My supervisor checks in on me and tells me I should go home. I haven’t even been at work for 2 hours and she is sending me off because – I guess – I’m in terrible shape. She tells me I can make up the hours tomorrow and Friday. I only worked 3.5 hours yesterday too. I’ve just been… not doing great. But I know I can’t get anything done at work, so I take her advice and leave. It’s 11:30am – not even noon, and I’m already off work.

Huh. I figure I can get that haircut then. Since I unexpectedly have some time.

Have to figure out how to get there. There’s a …tube… it looks like only cars go there? I quickly look up that tube on the internet to see if it’s amenable to foot/bike traffic. The one site I checked confirms it is – says it’s a narrow pass, so only one bike can fit at a time - if there are two bikers, they have to dismount to pass. Fair enough. Makes sense. So I turn into the tunnel.

It…… hhmmmmm. I am only on the road for a few meters before I realise I am the only bike on a very high speed highway like road with no shoulder. Off the the side behind a fence is a small narrow sidewalk. But why didn’t I go in there? I passed the entrance?? I don’t think so. I don’t remember an entrance. So I dismount. On the fuckin freeway. I have to walk back against traffic. There is no shoulder. I’m fuckin. Terrified. But. I can’t keep going forward into the tunnel with this traffic. I would die. So less chance of dying is walking back to try to find how to get on the other side of this fence thing. It takes a while to walk back just a couple dozen meters or so because. It’s a blind curve. With trucks and cars going at 50-60mph. And I’m walking. With a bike. It’s just a terrible situation. I finally get back to where the fence starts. And it’s???? Fuckin??? NARROW??? The opening of the fence is just barely big enough for me to fit through sideways. Now look – I’m a decently slim person. When I looked at that entrance, just eyeballing it, I would have told you I wouldn’t be able to get in there. But. Idk I’m in too deep now. How to get my bike through, though. I dismantle the front wheel of my bike so that I can turn the handlebars sideways and…flip the bike through. It is too narrow for even the pedals to fit through. I guess that gives you an idea of how narrow this is. With enough finagling, I’m able to squeeze the bike through. Then the front wheel. Then my backpack. Then myself. On the other side of the fence now, I put my bike back together.

Now I guess if I were in my right mind I would not have done that. I probably would have called it a day. But clearly I guess I wasn’t thinking. My head is definitely not set on right from a combination of shit – the lack of sleep, the concussion, the combination thereof, the anxiety dream from the night before…? Any number of factors idk. But clearly the fact that I did all that shit without questioning anything means I wasn’t thinking rationally.

Anyhow once I got past that narrow entrance I felt relatively safe from the cars. I was elevated and behind a fence. Once in the tunnel, I was clearly the only non vehicular traffic. It was narrow enough for just me and my bike (for the handlebars of the bike to be straight across), but nothing else. Idk what that website was on about because there is no way two bikers could fit, even dismounted. Also – this is a highway???????? There is only one way traffic.

The tunnel ended after a mile. I did not feel 100% safe even behind the fence but that was…a lot safer than I felt outside the tunnel. No more fence, and the ledge narrowed to a staggering foot and a half wide. Which might have been fine – maybe – if not for the big arrow signs off the walls directing the car traffic. Why? I don’t know. It’s a fucking highway it’s not like there are multiple ways you can go. It’s those arrows that tell you the road is turning/curving, I guess so you don’t ram into a wall since you’re going 60-70 mph. Anyhow. 

I… was convinced I was going to die. If I stuck ad arm out at any point, I would have lost it. I tried hard to keep my body as close to the wall as possible, but those giant metal arrow signs meant that I occasionally had to step off into the actual road. I was gonna die here. And nobody would know where I was except the one friend. And for what. For a haircut. A haircut that would maybe prevent me from being assaulted another time? Idk.

This was.. the worst stretch of road. Honestly. Probably the first time I started thinking rationally all day. Why the fuck was I here? There was no way out of this. I’d shake every time a car or truck passed because of the speeds and they were close enough to almost clip me. It would have been so easy for me to die. 

But. I didn’t. Eventually the wall ended and it opened up to another highway. An open two way highway that was slower – I guess mostly local traffic. (Slower as in fewer cars, not slower speeds). I hopped the short divider fence and pulled my bike over, waited for the second highway to clear up, and traversed the four lanes. To. A …strip mall? Honestly idk at this point I felt unreal. Like if you’ve ever spent 3-4 days with no sleep and you feel ethereal and timeless and like you don’t actually have a corporeal form. That’s how I felt. It was a little past noon by this point. Of course the strip mall is relatively dead. Who goes to a strip mall at noon on a Wednesday? Liminal space. 

I wander around kind of delirious and find the SportClips. I fuckin almost died for this stupid SportClips. My body was covered in soot from the tunnel I guess, but the lady at the reception was kind enough not to say anything about that or my vacant stare and hollow tone of voice. 

But then idk what proceeded was…? One of the most pleasant experiences of my life? Idk if it was cuz I was so delirious but. Hm. So I usually cut my own hair, so I don’t know much about getting hair professionally cut. I didn’t have a picture or a goal in mind. Just.. short. Buzzed. She offered some suggestions and tbh I said “yeah sure okay” to them all. “You’re so picky – what am I gonna do with you?” she joked. She asked me how I normally wear my hair. ???? idk I just.. I just wake up and it’s on my head idk. I don’t use any product I guess. And she cut it…so it looked really nice?? Huhhh…..

And then since it was my first time there, she asked if I wanted a warm shampoo and head massage??? Um???? Okay???? She brought me around to the back and sat me down in a chair that reclined. And put a hot towel on my face. And massaged my temples of my forehead and my cheekbones ???? through the hot towel??? And then washed my hair with shampoo and massaged my head???? While doing it?????? It was the single most pleasant experience I had ever had in my entire life I think. Also?? The chair…was vibrating the whole time?????????? God… 

That didn’t last that long hah, but then she brings me out and sits me down in another chair. I guess it’s to dry off. She wiped my face off with the hot towel and I… just felt… really taken care of??? Idk I felt safe? Hah. Then she says dryly with a smile “but wait there’s more” and pulls out a thing – I don’t even know what it is but tbh I’m too afraid to ask. It almost looks like an…air horn…? But hold up, it’s not plugged in. I think maybe it’s a blow drier? And it’s. A fucking. Massage thing. She gives me a fucking neck and shoulder massage. I’m. Fucking. Dead. This is the most amazing thing I have never asked for, and I did not expect any of this. 

Then she tousles my hair with some product although tbh it looks pretty damn amazing even without product. I ask if I can give her kudos or anything on the website or anywhere. Turns out it’s her last day, so it’s not like it’ll do anything. But I can do it anyway so they know what they’re missing. Okay, I say. I’ll do that. Because of my blood donation, it was free. A $20 haircut and an unexpected massage for free. Wow.

Hm okay. Now I have to figure out how to get home. It’s about 12:30. There is a tube for the Northward direction but god idk there is nothing I wanted less at that moment than to relive that underground highway tunnel experience. I’m not sure I would survive a second attempt and I’d …really rather not. My heart had still not settled by that point. And just the thought of needing to do that again was anxiety inducing.

There’s a bus in the area and also a ferry. The bus is nearby but I don’t know if they will allow a bike on. The ferry is another 4 miles out of the way and will take me pretty far out, but I guess I can bike home eventually… before my tutoring. God, I still have to tutor tonight. As I’m looking for the bus station, I feel my legs buckle underneath me. I realise I haven’t eaten yet. It’s about 1:30pm. I think I last ate yesterday around…5pm? Hm. Anyhow if this bus thing doesn’t work out, I’ll look for the ferry and figure out how that works when I get there. Hopefully the bus works.

But I realise. I don’t have fuckin cash on me. Last week, a woman approached me and said she was homeless and needed money for food. I’m.. not in the best financial situation right now, as you guys probably know, but also I’ve been there – where you don’t know when or where you can get your next meal. She said please. I dug out my wallet and gave her the only bill I had – a $10. That would buy her lunch. Idk I didn’t feel as great as I should have because honestly I’m.. really not doing well myself. But. No one should have to go hungry. So. That’s why I have no cash on me. And the bus comes. The fare is $2.25. They don’t take card. And it’s exact change only. I’m kind of.. panicking as I’m digging through my backpack. My pockets are empty and every pocket in my backpack seems em…pty…? I see something shiny. A fuckin. Coin? I have… I miraculously have $2.25 in my backpack. I don’t know what sort of deity is pulling for me tbh – clearly some god somewhere is working overtime, cuz I somehow have exact fucking change for a bus fare. Lord in heaven. And the bus even has a rack for my bike.

The bus somehow crosses the channel without my noticing. Damn that was fast…? I’m so close to home. Also my hair smells ridiculously good. Even when I was in my “how to get home” panicked state, I kept on randomly smelling how ridiculously good my hair was. It was.. the strangest experience. Couldn’t focus on getting home because I was just distracted by the smell of my hair. Soot on my body and disheveled clothes, I probably looked like a hobo with a really fuckin sharp haircut. Idk. 

I get off about 8 blocks from my house and it’s a strange walk back. It’s about 3pm maybe and I’m just feeling delirious. Everything about it feels unreal but I just know I’m really close to home. I make it home, safe, and I can’t support myself upright anymore. Crash on my bed. I send a tremendously short e-mail to my tutoring client “I don’t think I can be there for our lesson tonight.” Probably conjugated a verb wrong, but I couldn’t think enough to write anything more. I finally crashed. I slept for about.. half an hour to an hour? About 40 minutes, I think. And spend another half hour lying there, trying to get up.

It’s now about 7pm. And I need to cook something.

Story of Another Us | Week 2

university au, platonic af

previous chapter

I’m hanging by a thread

“How have you been?” asked my therapist, Helena. “Has anything happened since the last time we saw each other?”

I recounted the last week and a half. School starting, commuting between uni, my boyfriend’s house and my house. Trying to avoid the green man living at my house.

“And how have you been coping with it?”

Mentally shutting down.

“My boyfriend’s dog is very comforting,” I said, which wasn’t a lie at all.

Helena took notes, scribbling on her clipboard. “That’s interesting. Why do you think dogs are so comforting?”

“They don’t judge you. They still love you, even when you’re a giant mess,” I explained. “I don’t know how my boyfriend feels about having to constantly reassure me and help me through panic attacks. It must be exhausting for him. But his dog just sits with me until I feel better.”

“You know Bella, I’m sure your boyfriend loves you no matter what. The fact that he’s come to these sessions with you says that,” Helena reassured. “Why didn’t he come today, iIf I may ask?”

“Oh, he’s just working.”

“YouTube work?” Helena knew all about our jobs as YouTubers, it was partly the reason why I would see her every week.

“Yeah, he’s behind schedule,” I said.

“Oh, does that affect your relationship in any way?”

“Yeah, I mean…” I shrugged out of habit. “It’s harder to see each other or spend time together because we’re both so busy with filming and I have school and a job on the side. I mean, we do see each other because I stay with him during the week, but y’know… still busy.”

Helena kept writing on her clipboard. “So you’re both very occupied during the day, and the relationship is still happy and satisfying?”

“Of course! We always find a way.”

“Well that’s good! It’s a sign of a healthy relationship. Anything else happen this last week?”

Jack came to mind. I wasn’t sure what to say about him, but it just began to spill out.

“My boyfriend’s friend, also a YouTuber, is staying here for the semester. Like, he’s going back and forth between Mark’s house, my house, and uni, like I am. And he’s nice, he seems to mean well, but I’m a little overwhelmed,” I admitted.

“What’s this friend’s name?”

“Jack.”

“Why do you think you’re overwhelmed by Jack?”

“He’s an extrovert, he’s very talkative and loud and energetic. He’s staying in my house on weekends.” It sounded really stupid and rude when I said it out loud.

“You’ve told me that you don’t like meeting people, correct? Does Mark know that?”

“Yeah, he keeps asking if I’m okay and if Jack makes me uncomfortable.”

“He hasn’t caused you any harm or threatened you, has he?”

I shook my head. “No, not at all. He’s actually… really, really sweet.” I felt like such an asshole.

“Why do you think you feel this way? Is it because you’re introverted?”

It’s because of anxiety disorder, the thing you diagnosed me with. Stay with me, Helena.

“I don’t know, it just happens,” I said. “It happens with everyone I meet.”

“You think new situations are scary?” she guessed.

That makes me sound really childish. Granted, I wasn’t really giving her much to work with. I usually spoke more when Mark was here.

“Well, look at it as if your mind and body are protecting you. You don’t know a lot about Jack, right? So, in away, you’re bracing yourself in case he steps out of line?”

“I guess. That seems to make sense.” Do I actually feel that? Who knows? Not me!

I didn’t feel any better after the session. I was practically complaining about poor old me and my living situation. Poor me with a college education. Poor me with a nice boyfriend who lets me stay in his house.

The ache in my chest was getting harder to ignore once I was driving home. I thought talking it out was supposed to help. I thought I would have felt better after therapy. I had to pull over in a Walmart parking lot so I could pull myself together.

I rubbed my hands together, only to feel really… strange. I was extremely aware of my hands. I kept looking out the window, paranoid that I was being watched. I kept checking the gear shift to make sure I was still in park. I wanted to cry. I felt like I was losing myself, like I was going to die.

And then my breathing went short, confirming my fears. I was dying. My short twenty three years were ending.

I felt small and trapped. I felt cold, but I was sweating buckets. I was too scared to get out of the car in case anyone saw me being a complete trainwreck. I could hear myself wheezing but it didn’t feel real.

My phone buzzed, making me jump and cry even more. I grabbed it, my hands shaking and still very there and tried to speak. I only retched and coughed.

“Are you dying?” It was Jack. Of all fucking people. He sounded amused until he heard me sobbing. “Bella, are you okay?”

“Mark…” I managed to get out.

I heard some commotion on the other line. I cried some more.

“Bella? What’s wrong? Where are you?” my boyfriend sounded calm, but concerned.

“I’m d-dying…” I cried.

“Are you hurt?” he asked me.

“I-I’m… panic.. Help…”

“Okay, Bella,” Mark said, “listen to me. I know it’s scary, but you’re in a safe place. Can you tell me where you are?”

I tried to listen to him. I tried to focus on where I was before death came for me. “Walmart…”

“Okay, good. Me and Ryan are going to come and get you. Okay? You’re going to be just fine. Bella?”

I hummed.

“Can you breathe for me? Take one deep breath.”

I tried. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I was still hyperventilating and shaking. I was still dizzy.

“Can you do it again?” he asked gently. “You’re doing good. We’re on our way there. You’re going to be okay.”

~

Mark drove me back to my apartment once I was calm enough. I preferred to be in my own home after a panic attack mainly because I didn’t want to face anybody at Mark’s house. It was too embarrassing. Being around other people would just bring my anxiety back up again, and home was my sanctuary.

“Do you know what set you off?” asked Mark as we entered the small vicinity.

“Nope,” I replied, immediately going to my bedroom.

Naturally, Mark followed me. “What, it just happened out of nowhere?”

“Well, that’s how it usually is,” I said, indifferent. “I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that.”

“No, don’t do that,” Mark firmly said. “You don’t have to apologize for anything. It’s not your fault this happens.”

I sighed, plopping down onto my unmade bed. “Still, you don’t deserve to put up with me like this all the time.” It’s also frustrating when he asks why. Honey, I wish I knew.

“Hey, I am more than happy to help you get through it,” he reassured. “And I’m glad that you trust me. I know you’re not choosing to have anxiety. I just want you to know that I’m here for you when you need me. Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed when you need help. I’m happy to help, and Ryan was too when I asked him to come with me. The boys are all worried about you.”

I couldn’t help the eyeroll. “You’re just saying that.”

“No, I’m serious. You should have seen Jack’s face when he realized you weren’t okay.”

“I don’t want people worrying!” I finally snapped. “I don’t want his pity, I don’t want anyone’s pity!”

“It’s not pity! They actually care about you! They don’t want you to suffer like this, and neither do I! Why do you get so upset when someone cares about you?”

I couldn’t look him in the eyes. Here he was, trying to make me feel better, and I was just shitting on it.

It’s not that I was upset. It was just hard to process the fact that someone is willing to be around me, or even be willing to date me even though I’m like this. I felt like I was too sick and too unstable. But I couldn’t tell Mark because I would get another “why” and I was too tired for that.

I wouldn’t blame him if he left me, but at the same time I didn’t want him to leave me. And I really couldn’t tell him that because it was all sorts of manipulative. There were a lot of things I couldn’t tell him because of manipulation. I was so toxic, I really didn’t understand why he wanted to be near me.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” I knew he wasn’t asking out of spite or annoyance, deep down. Very deep down.

I shook my head.

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

~

Mark spent the night, even though it meant he couldn’t record and upload his first video of the day on time. I tried not to feel guilty. He recorded at my house, but he had to edit with Matt at his, and I was a heavy sleeper. He said he didn’t want to wake me up since I had a hard time yesterday. Meaning, we were back at his house around the time Jack and I were supposed to go to campus. About twenty minutes before Mark’s second video was supposed to go up. Oops.

Besides that, I was expecting the awkward, “elephant-in-the-room” silence when Jack came out to join me in the car. He was the one who found me in my distress. I didn’t mind silence, typically. It wouldn’t be the first time I was the cause of awkward silence.

“Morning!” he cheerily greeted as he took Mark’s place in the passenger seat.

“You kids be good now!” Mark called as he walked to the front door.

“Bye, Daddy! I love you!” Jack returned.

“Oh my god,” I chuckled under my breath.

“How are you, Bella?” Jack asked me, clearly in high spirits. Surely he wasn’t speaking mentally, or following my panic attack from yesterday. He was just being polite. Right?

“I’m good,” I replied. But my stupid ass still said, “Sorry you had to hear me over the phone like that yesterday.”

He waved it off. “Don’t be sorry. I did get a little worried, but Mark said you were okay. And you look and sound okay.”

“Yeah, well, he stayed with me, so it was all good.” As long as I remained indifferent, I wouldn’t feel guilty.

The silence I was originally expecting happened only for a few seconds. Jack could never stay quiet.

“Can I ask you something about your anxiety?”

“Sure.” I felt my stomach sink.

“Does it happen, your panic attacks and such, does it happen randomly or do you get triggered?” he asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“Both,” I replied. “Like the one from yesterday was unexpected. But there’s also certain things I can’t do because it will make my anxiety spike.”

“Things like what? Or is that too personal?” He sounded a lot more sincere now. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to tell him.

“Well,” I began. “I can’t go to parties, unless I’m already intoxicated, and I don’t really drink much to begin with. I can’t go to stores where I know the employees go up to customers and talk to them. Can’t make phone calls. Oh, and so help me god if I find a bug anywhere in my house. And scary movies. Well, actually anything horror I can’t handle.”

Jack nodded, listening intently. “That must be really hard to live your life around that. Wait, so if you don’t do horror, does that mean you don’t like Halloween?”

“Unfortunately, no.” That was one thing I got laughed at for, but so far he was taking it seriously.

“Oh, well that sucks. Does Mark know all of your triggers?”

“Yeah, he’s pretty good at keeping those things away from me and helping me through my attacks. Way better than the last person I dated.”

“Did you ex-boyfriend know about your anxiety?”

Here we go. The moment that will determine if I really can be friends with this guy.

“Ex-girlfriend,” I corrected. “She knew, but there were a lot of things going on that tied in with my anxiety. She didn’t really know how to handle me. Can’t say I blame her.”

“Well, still,” Jack said. “If she knew you were in distress, wouldn’t she try to help you?”

“You’d think,” I replied. “But things were just as hard for her. She hadn’t come out yet, and her family was honestly the most homophobic group of people I had ever met. It was hard, they would get suspicious. I had to break up with her.”

“That must’ve been hard... “

“Oh, it was. And after we had broken up too. It was really hard. But I found Mark some time later and things got better. He makes me really happy.”

“I can tell.” There was a pause. “You make him really happy too.”

I smiled, yet I found it hard to believe. “Really?”

“Yeah, he’s so much happier! I remember him telling me over Skype when you guys first started dating. He was really giddy! I think you changed him.”

“Really?” My voice went up and octave.

“Yes! He’s absolutely crazy about you!”

Oh god, don’t squeal like a little girl. Don’t giggle like an idiot. Stop blushing!

“You really like him, don’t you?” Jack said, seeing the look on my face.

I nodded, my face red and my heart fluttering.

~

“Why do I need a physical education class?” whined Jack. “The place is closing anyway!”

“They’re probably trying to suck as much money out of us as possible,” I replied. “On the bright side, you get to deal with me for another whole hour and fifteen minutes!”

More like I was dealing with him. Not going to lie though, it would be interesting to see if Jack could stay quiet in a yoga class. Yes, Jack, of all people, was going to take yoga with me. It was only because all the other classes were either canceled or full, and he had no other choice. So now it was three out of four classes I had with him.

“I don’t even have a mat or anything!” he said as we approached the multipurpose room.

“There’s some you could borrow,” I told him. “It’s actually really fun once you get used to it.”

“We could do the yoga challenge!” he joked.

“Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” I told him. “We should do it once we’re good enough.”

“Or we could do it while we suck because it’ll be funnier.”

We made it to the MPR. The instructor was already there, along with other new classmates. Jack went to her to make sure he was added to the class roster. I unrolled my mat in a spot in the back of the room, and then I removed my shoes and put them by the wall behind me. Not long after, I saw Jack with his own borrowed mat, unrolling it directly in front of the mirrors. He looked back at me, gesturing for me to join him. I actually debated it, but then a really short girl with dark brown and blonde hair took the space next to him.

I only watched her because I recognized her. She unrolled her mat and then went to the back of the room to drop her backpack and take off her shoes. She didn’t even notice me staring. It was the captain of the dance team. The girl with the dance solo that broke my gay little heart. In all honesty, she looked downright angry, like she didn’t want to be here.

Of course, when she took her place at the front of the room, Jack talked to her. I couldn’t hear what he was saying to her, but I could see her expression through the mirror. She was not interested in anything he had to say. She probably would have snapped on him if the instructor hadn’t brought the class to order.

_______

next chapter

Day 21

My soul hurts. And I wish I was lying. Today was shitty, more shitty than usual. I thought that if I just ignored my weekend I was going to be fine. I’m still in denial that I binge and purge literally all 48 hours during the weekend. I just wanted to be happy, but that didn’t happen. I did have good moments, I laughed. I never laughed this much. I love the girls. I had a panic attack during recovery group but I was able to step out and calm myself down before it got out of control. I know it’s bad when my face goes numb, that’s when I know I need to get fresh air otherwise I will faint and I am not trying to go to the hospital anytime soon. I literally just finished some homework, not all of it. I’m exhausted. I have been doing homework since 7pm.

I gave the girls their bath bombs and omg thy were so happy I was so happy. I gave Christine one too, and omg I love her so much. She got so happy I just love to see the people around me happy. They deserve to be happy.

Today while I confessed to Christine about my shitty weekend, she told me I will be moving up to level two tomorrow, and I am very excited. Don’t get me wrong. I have been waiting for this moment for five weeks now. But knowing I get to find out how many calories I am on is giving me anxiety. That number is either going to make me or break me tomorrow. I just know it. The most I ate before this program was 200 calories. Unless I was binging but then I purged so I wasn’t concerned. I will not be able to do that tomorrow, or the day after, or after. And I’m excited to challenge myself I’m just afraid that I will fail. I’m very happy that it is a Tuesday and Krista will be there. Yoooo she’s the absolute best helping me in the kitchen. And of course I have Christine. I’m just happy to finally b able to trust people and know that I am not alone. They got my back I just have to speak up.

Tomorrow I get to see the psychiatrist and who knows how that’s going to go. Honestly, I don’t know. She is good reading m, not all the time, but most. Dude, I cannot lie in this place, I have tried and it eats me alive and I feel like shit so I always end up telling Christine everything. It’s so weird. That has never happened before, ever.

I told Krista how I was concerned about finding out the numbers, she reminded me that its exactly what I have been eating for the past four weeks. And I am okay. So I will be okay. I told her how I was dizzy and extremely thirsty and she said it was probably because I symptom all weekend. Which it makes sense, I’m just ind denial. I know I did it. I just don’t want to admit it. Admitting I to myself will mean letting Ed and Mia back in my life, back to controlling every thought and action and no. They were able to fool me this past weekend but now I’m fine again. And I will stay fine.

I am very nervous about tomorrow, I can’t even sleep. I haven’t stayed up this late since New Year’s Eve to b complexly honest. I mean I always wake up during the night but I always sleep during this hours, I don’t know man it’s weird af. I don’t want to say I have given up but I’m tired. I guess it’s the kind of tired sleep cannot fix.

winter was coming, winter has came, winter is blue

last night went to sleep and cried again, I guess that’s where the escapism ends and I just somehow end up thinking about M.

I woke up feeling somewhat ok and it was bright, a different kind of bright..snowing kind of bright. So it’s winter, I suppose. I was trying to figure out how that makes me feel, somehow I thought it would be more depressing but looking at the falling snow is actually somehow calming. And there’s that light factor to it, snow reflects the light and I know lack of it fucks up my head, plus it creates this safe blanket and i’ve read some stuff about how it psychologically makes us feel better when there’s snow. I guess it’s better opposed to cold, dark ground.

I  took Asertin even later than yesterday and again, about 1-1,5h after, I started feeling super nauseous and dizzy. Freaked out about it a bit, it’s pretty disappoining after I’ve had this whole idea of how I’m gonna start feeling better once I start taking meds and I’ll actually start fixing my life; instead in a way I actually feel worse.

There seem to be a moment when I sort of start feeling “better” (where better = kind of bland/ok instead of just really shitty) , like many hours later, but I’m not really sure it’s the meds working yet or I just hate waking up

I used to like going to sleep but now I kind of hate that too

I don’t really feel like writing today, or explaining anything, I wanted to do that whole retrospection thing of how I got in this place, the whole background with all the shit that’s going on but (at least now/today) I really don’t feel like doing that.

I’ve got a slight headache and I can’t take ibuprofene w/o consulting a doctor cause it supposedly doesn’t go well together with sertraline, and ibuprofene was my main painkiller so i kinda don’t know what to do now. And I have an issue with contacting the psychiatrist I went to that gave me this prescription in the first place..it’s silly cause idk if I keep being nauseous maybe this med is a bad idea, but  I already told her I’m waiting to go to another psychiatrist (which actually does CBT) so that she won’t be surprised if i stop coming, and I guess she felt sort of uninterested in analyzing me or whatever. She told me she’d be available until 10th Dec if I need to see her at all but that I probably won’t, and I was like “oh, are you going somewhere for holidays? if I may ask?” just cause I was curious and I felt slightly more social or w/e, and she responded with “No, you may not ask”. And here I am trying not to obsess about how that means she’s a horrible person and doesn’t like me or that I don’t like her because she said that, I know it’s silly and sort of can understand how if you’re a psychiatrist specifically you might want to keep your life private, but ffs, it’s not like i’m going to stalk her or call her in the middle of the night (I don’t even have her number); maybe I’m wrong but it just felt a bit dehumanizing and caught me off-guard.

Otherwise though idk how she thinks we won’t have to meet again since my dosage is at best for like 6 weeks and I won’t be seeing that other psychiatrist that fast. Plus I would really like to stop feeling nauseous everytime I take my med cause I don’t really see myself going back to normal functioning if that happens : |

Today I’m thankful for idontfucking know what

i would say snow but i’ll probably want to take it back pretty soon? (although snow is kidna alright if you don’t need to go out lol)

but ok, let’s say temporarily that’ll be snow

uhmm my cat (when she doesn’t shit outside her litterbox)

3. the fact that i was able to call my mom and assert myself on how going to some award gala is honestly not going to help me but rather give me a panic attack. it wasn’t easy because she think “taking me out” will help but ffs she doesn’t understand social phobia at all :|  i don’t really think she actually understood me although i tried to explain it to her, but at least she gave up trying to force me to go there :| feel kind of sad/sorry cause i know she wanted to have someone to go with, too, but fuck, just thinking of it made me anxious :/

4. mint tea is pretty fucking great and i’m happy that i have enough of it cause i’m nauseous af

5. i’m thankful for the fact that i’m forgetful and mix everything up cause i thought i had to see a psychologist tomorrow (i.e in like 7,5 hrs from now) and I actually don’t , cause i fucked up the date, which is actually really great cause I didn’t feel so hot about having to wake up that early + my hair is shit and to make everything better, my hairdryer broke (and I have almost waist-long hair, so yeah, fml)

 i might still need to wake up earlier though or be woken up by my mom who thinks that we’re meeting around noon, oops :|p. s i did have some somewhat abstract dreams but i don’t really remember anything now. i’ve had pretty abstract/vivid dreams all my life though so i’m not sure if it’s possible for sertraline to affect it further?ok bye

I feel loved ;-; (taggg)

I was tagged again by my favourite Tumblr-er @barrellovingbishop thank you so much you shouldn’t have to do this but I understand you ate such a lovely person -I really need to tag you in the future as well WHY I DONT TAG PEOPLE BTW? COS ITS HARD AF TO DO IT ON MY PHONE I SHALL ADD PEEPS ONCE I GO ON PC… maybe (dont trust this otaku she lazy af) My last… 1. DRINK - COFFEE 2. phone call - uuuh my mum I guess (me and my friends use messenger to talk) 3. text message - my bank loves me lol 4. song i listened to - RAY’S OST FROM MYSME V’S ROUTE IM IN LOVE WITH THAT VIOLIN 5. time you cried - I am not keeping a diary of that 6. dated someone twice - i never dated anyone before ;-; (at least not real person if you know what I mean) 7. kissed someone and regretted it - nah 8. been cheated on - nah x2 9. lost someone special - yesss cca a year ago 10. depression - i am in a cycle i cant escape from ;-;

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - i was low key drunk only once in my lifetime but it was not that bad for me to throw up (i only felt dizzy) FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. BLUE, 13. RED, 14. MAGENTA PURPLE IN LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. made new friends- yeah 16. fallen out of love - nope 17. laughted until you cried - yup 18. found out someone was talking about you - idk maybe 19. met someone who changed you - yes… 20. found out who your friends are - yes they are the best of friends <3 21. kissed someone on your FB list - nooo XD

GENERAL 22. how many FB friend you know IRL: only my ex-classmates and classmates + my classmates/friends 23. do you have any pets: yess I have 2 aquarium fish and a dog 24. do you want to change your name: I don’t like both my birthname (I lile my nicknames more) and surname but I’d only want to change my surname (I gonna marry well lol) 25. what did you do for your birthday: celebrated?? with my family?? i do that every year 26. what time did you wake up: 9 AM 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: PLAYING MYSME CHATROOM OPENED I MADE MYSELF TO BE AWAKE 28. name something you can’t wait for: to finally watch bungou stray dogs and continue playing otome game Dandelion and reading makai ouji manga 29. when was the last time you saw your mum: few minutes ago WE LIVE UNDER ONE ROOF 30. what are you listening to rn: nothing it’s soo quiet o.o 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah i had many classmates with that name it’s pretty common name in my country 32. something that is going on your nerves: that i have to go to school tomorrow for only one lesson ALSO CURRENT UNI’S TIMETABLE ATM… wait in general? idk mean people?? 33. most visited website: Youtube and Tumblr XD (also nhentai sssh) 34. hair colour: dark brown - it’s getting darker it looks like black atm - never colored mah natural colour 35. long or short hair: I prefer short hair on boys, medium on girls and I myself have medium 36. do you have a crush on someone: i haven’t had a crush on REAL person/guy since high school aka 4 years 37. what do you lile about yourself: that i’m getting into a shape as I’m execersing a lot 38. want any piercings: nope not my thing 39. blood type: A 40. nickname: Bia; Bika 41. relationship: single and no I am not asexual I have just terrible “shediaphillia” aka attraction for fictional boys XP 42.zodiac: Scorpio 43. pronouns: she/her 44. favourite TV show: It changes it is currently detective series called Father Brown and youtube buzzfeedblue’s UNSOLVED I watch a lot mystery shows XD 45. tatoos: no 46. right or left-handed: right 47. surgery: right abdomen; appendix; when 6 years old 48. sport: none I exercise at gym twice a week thou. I like swimming thou 49. vacation: JAPAN I WILL GO THERE ONE DAY I SWEAR. Norway or Sweden would be nice too I guess. And Seychelles I love beaches. 50. pair of trainers: my ol ones for gym lol MORE GENERAL 51. eating: PASTAAAAA and cake 52. i’m about to: survive the 1st day of school tomorrow 53. waiting for: my dog to get better (he’s sick) 54. want: watch bungou stray dogs, finish v’s route, graduate(get mah BC) in uni in general 55. get married: not anytime soon 56. career: idk… english teacher??? maybe??? Or translator WHICH IS BETTER 57. hugs or kisses: both ;) 58. lips or eyes: both but im more for lips 59. shorter or taller: im shortie myself so shorter 60. older or younger: depends what it is if a person than a bit older than me but not much if an animal than younger 61. nice arms or nice stomach: eeeh i don’t care why not both?? 62. hook up or relationship: relationship 63. troublemaker or hesistant: i am hesistant HAVE YOU EVER 64. kissed a stranger: nope 65. drank hard liquor: i had vodka once 66. lost glasses: no 67. turned someone down: ya i have sinned 68. sex on the first date: would never do that and never did 69. broken someone’s heart: ya… i think 70. had your heart broken: 707 broke my heart the most… Saeran is doing it rn (only by fiction as you can see) 71. been arrested: no 72. cried when someone died: not yet… nobody i hold close died yet soo 73. fallen for a friend: nope DO YOU BELIEVE IN 74. yourself: kinda i guess i doubt myself sometimes tbh but i try not to 75. miracles: half yes 76. love at first sight: not anymore in my opinion it is not love but obession/desire 77. Santa Claus: no 78. kiss on the first date: meh 79. angels: YES OTHER 80. current best friend’s name: There are 3 of them: Vicky, Dominica and Anna (not too close with Anna thou) 81. eye colour: greyish blue 82. favourite movie: anime- Kimi no na na wa ; other- The Great Gastby