day 17 i think

it used to be my favourite number but now that it’s 2017 and it’s been the worst year of my life i don’t know anymore

i also don’t know is it day 2 or 3 on full dose of sertraline, but i think it might be making me ridiculously sleepy like narcoleptic sleepy. i slept til like 2 pm which is not bad considering i fell asleep around 6-7am and i actually felt quite ok when i woke up, i felt like i’m gonna do stuff etc only to 2 hours later feel like omfg i can’t even sit in my chair i need to lay down i’m SO FUCKING SLEEPY and so i feel asleep and woke up probaly 1.5 hr later

i managed to take a shower and throw out the trash and go to the supermarket though so that’s pretty good

i watched this movie called adult life skills and it was really nice obviously because the main character is almost 30 and acts like she doesnt really want to grow up

i even managed to exchange a few sentences with m and not die inside i mean it’s not like we’re really having any meaningful conversations but yeah

and j. wrote back one single sentence, that he received the email, nothing more

this fucking headache won’t leave me and i don’t know what to do about it

tomorrow’s a hangout i don’t really feel like going to but also feel like i probably should though everyone there is drawing  and well...i actually did just now too, but that was the first time i did in months, probably

and i just feel tired of talking to people about my life and lack of it and why that is so

also i need to respect myself more than off-brand fake chips

they are disgusting

goodnight

when will these pills start working

i ended up writing a chaotic email to j. before going to sleep, and ended getting paranoid about him not responding already cause i sent a follow-up one just asking him to acknowledge that he got it... i know it’s been like 24hrs now but it’s a bit unusual for him and he’s depressed too, so...

:|

i fell asleep probably before 7am, getting worse and worse. and then just slept through half of the day, i basically forced myself out of bed at like 5 pm probably, but not even because i didn’t feel like mentally, i was just so fucking sleepy physically and also the headache came back : / and still here, feels like my sinuses are acting up maybe

so i did nothing the whole day except for a merry cooking session including kompot which might have been my first time, M’s friend on the radio and i’m trying to separate those things in my head cause uhhhh...its gonna be hard if i don’t

i watched the Labirynth

i gotta try to at least take the trash out tomorrow before it grows its own  legs and eats me

so yeah when do these pills start working? i’m starting to get really impatient : / honestly feels like nothing is getting better, just worse, and worse

and worse

i don’t think these drugs are working (yet?)

i also don’t know how to make tumblr mark my posts in my local time even though it’s already set in the settings and it makes it harder for me to count for how many days i haven’t written for or honestly i just have a headache so i don’t feel like counting

or thinking, tbh

anyway all those days are a blur, with some exceptions, and honestly, i don’t think i’m doing any better

ok

day 11 was saturday, and i did spend most of it in bed/doing nothing, just as i wished. i’m pretty sure i did completely nothing on that day, which is why i didn’ t feel like i had anything to write about.

day 12 - sunday i spent at my parents and that was nice, all the kids around etc

my brother and his family just came back from africa and it was the first time we met after that trip, his daughter gave me a big hug and i have to say it caught me offguard, i never really expect her to miss me that much so it’s surprising in a really nice way though somehow makes me feel awkward?

then i took the two other nieces back home while my sister + O. + L. went to the cinema and i was supposed to put them to sleep. Lena came out of the bedroom like 15 later and said she has these bad scary thoughts about war and she knows they’re not ..smart? but she just feels really anxious

it made me sad for her in a “oh fuck, not that early : / “ way, she’s only 7 years old uhhh

but i managed to put her to sleep no problem telling her stories about some underwater scenery and creatures, no idea at which point she fell asleep cause  i just kept talking and talking and it reminded me of how i used to do exactly that - tell goodnight stories to my older siblings and not realizing they’re asleep and i’m talking to myself, only with them the agreement was that we would each tell a story...only i somehow always got first and they would always fall asleep.

why am i telling this to myself, i already know this story

i didn’t even get to watch anything on netflix other than a bunch of trailers, went back home with an uber and i remember that day i felt somewhat nice and i got money for babysitting which is kind of awkward cause i don’t think it’s right when it’s my family but i’ve become not just poor, i got to a point of not being able to afford catfood, so that + my parents giving me money too earlier that day at least made me feel a little bit at peace financially

day 13 was mun-day(ne) i’m pretty sure i did nothing

soo day 14 was tuesday and that would be yesterday? (i mean it’s 4 am now and it’s telling me it’s thursday and that’s fucking with my brain but ok)   my mom wanted me to go to the museum with her and i didn’t, cause Olga messaged me saying they’re coming to town and wanted to meet up. so i went and met them and just told my mom i won’t come because of that, i also got my period 10 min before leaving the house which made me leave it 40 mins later, had a really nice meal atthough they were already done by the time i joined and that makes me feel kind of bad (but i guess that’s silly cause if it wasn’t for my period i might’ve been on time?) i had a tempura sushi which was really awesome and matcha creme brulee which was really awesome too and i just kept talking about north korea docus cause my life is too boring but at least i watch a lot of youtube now so i can talk about that also went to a book promoting event with them at which i pretty much spent at least half of the time wondering if i should leave, cause a) i have social phobia especially at “official” events like this and somehow it doesn’t matter that it’s my friend who’s the speaker, bright lights + microphones + plastic chairs = NO for me, also i was getting cramps and took one ibuprofene after another while at the same time worrying how that’ll go with sertraline so i didn’t take that much of it, i also probably awkwardly talked about my experience with the psychiatrist and some stuff related to my mental health and i say awkwardly in the sense that i’m kind of worried it might have been awkward for d. to listen to it because i guess it’s not really a topic we ever talked about? aand today is day 15, feels weird that this tumblr exists for that long already. i’m starting to feel a bit anxious about how easily time slips through my fingers these days, i mean honestly i just do nothing most of the time and it’s not making me feel really great, + the increasingly fucked up sleep schedule is not helping.. anyway today was just shitty and i feel like i’m kind of getting worse

i’ve been crying, had cramps and headache too, took ibuprofene really late in the day aka at midnight just when i take sertraline, freaked about mixing them s o just took half although today should be the day i start taking the full dose, talked with M. or more like realized that he replied to me saying to him like 4 hrs earlier that i  had a dream about his kid, and it took him 4 hrs to get back to me and say sorry i forgot to respond to you

which somehow combined with him saying how he and his kid say nice things to each other a lot made me feel really really shitty and i started crying and so i decided i want to take this other fucking half of sertraline right now because i really fucking need it to star t working like asap, i know that period hormones are making me emo too but fuck, this shit isn’t working, i’m crying right now as i’m writing this, my dad was here too today and not really here i just met him on the stairs cause he brought me some food and went to the skating ring to celebrate hanuka and he wanted me to go too but i told him i felt bad

and i’m worried about him cause he said he’s not feeling well and obviously that’s making me feel more depressed too

i started thinking about j. at some point too, thinking about writing to him at some point of feeling really miserable and crying and then i’ve read his email again which obviously made me cry more, i still didn’t write to him though i don’t know what to say . i stopped myself thinking it’s a horrible idea, cause it honestly is, sure it seems good for a split second to whine to him cause at least he expressed caring about me but yeah i’m fucking SURE he would just love to me crying about getting heartbroken by another guy... and i just kind of wanted to tell him that i’m actually really, really not okay, since he’s wished me happiness multiple times in that email and it felt really genuine.. but it’s not really fair

plus it’s all still really confusing, what he is, was or should be to me, on one hand he seems genuine and genuinely caring etc, said sorry to me about many things, not like he has bad intentions, but then there’s this other thing in my head where i kind of know our relationship was toxic and he’s responsible for at least half of that, so... i kind of know i should stay away? though it’s becoming blurry lately, which i’m kind of afraid of, afraid that its because i feel lonely and want to feel cared for/taken care of

fuck i need to get out of this house really soon

10

helped my niece shopping for yet another present meanwhile i can’t afford a bus ticket, not that it bothers me too much but it kind of started bothering me when i had to ask my sister for money and then she asked her husband and i think he said something like “(why) do i have to?” or maybe something else but she replied “because i’m asking you” 

so yeah, fuck

he’s also  a pretty toxic person and i feel like all the usual good energy i would gather from hanging out with those two other nieces just evaporated because he makes me stressed and uneasy and after i left i just felt shitty

i’m just looking forward to not going out anywhere tomorrow

i had some cool dreams that i’ve yet again forgot because i didn’t write them down : /

i’m thinking much more about m. too and i don’t know...it’s making me feel worse, obviously, but then the psychologist was kind of hinting that it’s normal that i’m still grieving and maybe it’s ok if i let myself cry, because fuck, i just try so hard to do everything to distract myself but then everytime once i’m forced to stop it, because  i for example go to bed, it all just hits me

and so i think i ended up crying myself to bed again last night

i don’t feel like doing the thankful thing although i did actually publicly express being thankful about my grandpa today

and i got food from my sister which is nice except somehow today it just  makes me feel like a really poor person and like that’s something shameful

when we were shopping with O. we went to H&M because she wanted to buy matching necklaces for her and her best friend and while i was browsing through discounted jewelry i remembered how last year at this time i still had a lot of money, and i had this idea to gift some jewelry for christmas to my sisters and mom, so everyone could feel a little bit more special for that christmas. it was all discounted stuff but nonetheless pretty and neither of them expected it, i was so proud of myself. i did actually end up spending quite a lot of money on it simply because how all of those things added up, there was a lot of it.

and now ffwd a year later and i couldn’t even afford the cheapest thing which was maybe 1.5$.

i’m starting to feel anxious about how the only “productive” things i do is going out, because what i really should be doing is working on the airbnb so i can finally have money, not have other people spend money on me to distract me from the fact that i don’t have any. sigh.

not much new

my mom made me leave the house again, by buying tickets to a play she was going to see that i sort of approved of, which she read as me wanting to go. and i’m kinda like, uhmm i didn’t really... i mean i don’t really care about much things, and tbh activities like seeing a theatre play seems a bit excess to me

again hard for me not to feel guilty for the money that’s been spent on it like i’m kind of not worth it but then also like uhmmm that ticket cost as much as my internet bill does (which i need to pay) so yeah . __ .

nonetheless it was kinda nice, i mean the play was pretty weird but the whole setting (?), lighting, scenography etc was really nice. cosmos. i allowed myself to be somewhat cliche and wear a galaxy sweatshirt to  a play called cosmos. (there were moments when they would illuminate the whole scene and the ceiling with stars, i mean make everything dark and project stars, i guess it was my favourite part of it lol. gave me a sense of calmness and made me really want to own a star projector). most of the public was highschool kids.

and my mom gave me a mikolajki present which i already partly ate and feel pretty bad from the amount of sugar

i should sleep, i’m going out tomorrow again, seriously it’ll be ok cause it’s just gonna be hanging with my nieces, but i already feel kind of tired thinking of it and reluctant in a way that i sort of just would like to spend the whole day in bed :1

maybe i’ll do that on saturday...

i had pretty cool dreams last night but forgot most of them, just something about changing apartments, not remembering which mine was or going to the wrong one, adopting a stray cat which was white and ginger, shopping with my mom in a weird discount shop..

it’s hard to do the 5 things

but...ok

1. thankful for going out again i guess. and seeing that play and all the nice stars.  i haven’t seen a play in like 15 years probably

2. for the unexpected presents (so thanks to my mom x 2 )

3. thankful for my grandpa who died 9 years ago and who’s death anniversary was the day before. he was a person that made me feel unconditionally loved and supported no matter what. i will always miss him but also always be glad that i got so much time to spend with him in this life.

4. the fact that his house, in which i live now, is that close to the city centre. it’s pretty cool to spend 10 minutes to go back home.

5. i’m glad that i let myself go and not overanalyze wether it’s too much to wear that galaxy top lol, like even if it was tacky or cliche or whatever i told myself oh who cares and even if someone thinks that, so what? it’s seems pretty obvious but i guess i obsess over people judging me so it doesn’t come that naturally. and i felt like i had a really nice outfit to the very last detail (although nobody commented on it but at least i felt good enough about myself to dress up instead of feel like i just want to wear a potato sack)

i don’t think i cried today so that’s good too.

oh and i responded to two people.

and m. kind of stopped talking to me, even sending me links. i guess it’s better that way, though my heart is still (obviously) broken and i still can’t grasp in my mind why he’d just lose interest like that

sometimes i ask myself wether it’s just my ego hurting, but i feel like i really loved him and cared about him, and i wanted to make this work despite all the odds

i feel like i’ve poured so much of my heart into it and like he recharged (his) and then just left once he had enough

i feel so hopeless about any future love life, not that i really think of it much but...fuck i just can’t do relationships

lately i’m starting to seriously consider, and be afraid that i’ll just end up lonely and never have a family of my own

life isn’t a fairytale where everyone gets their own prince or princess, some people just die lonely..nothing new but noone wants to consider it could be them, too. i feel like i don’t really want to consider that but at the same time it’s not entirely impossible, and that’s scary.

night

(day 8 though not sure why am i counting)

i don’t really know what to write, and for the same reason i skipped it yesterday

+ (yesterday) i just felt really shitty cause i went to the psychologist in the morning (11am) and when i came back i just went back to sleep and slept for half of the day, so i didn’t go to my sister to decorate a gingerbread house with my nieces

i’m just being really avoidant of life and everything, i think there’s at least 5 messages i didn’t respond to and whenever  i think about doing it there’s just an immediate “nope” response in my head.

the only productive things i did today was to cook food for myself and do the laundry, which is still 2 more things than yesterday

pretty sure i have avoidant personality disorder

creating new bad habits

day6

today was ok, i could just copy some stuff from yesterday really, i helped my niece with buying a present and then packing it, had to take her back home and somehow ended up coming back with the night bus again. so new bad habit 1

the second one is that i come to write here that late and i don’t really feel like writing cause i’m too annoyed with myself that it’s so late and i should be sleeping, especially today, when tomorrow i have an appointment with the psychologist like 3 hours earlier than i usually get out of bed, so...yeah good luck to me

another thing is that she asked me to think if i ever found what i was looking for in my past relationships and obviously i didn’t really do it cause i just don’t really want to think (about stuff like that)

unless it haunts me like thoughts of M. do more and more frequently now, today again and i wished him happy birthday since it’s tomorrow but it was past midnight. he said thank you and told me about his dream and then stopped responding after i replied. it feels so weird that he can’t hold a conversation with me anymore

and my brain just keeps bombing me with memories of happy/sweet moments with him

i know there’s no point in thinking about it but i just don’t really understand how he went from that into ‘i’m not that interested anymore’ that fast

how the fuck am i supposed to have any trust in relationships when people are like that

5

today was okay i spent it with my family i forgot to take my meds with my so took it 2 hrs later , i don’t really wanna write i just want to go to sleep but yeah i’ve been mostly ok but then again there were a few times when i’d think of M. and get teary-eyed, i feel like there are cracks on my avoidance-based indifference and they might be getting bigger

fuck

i don’t feel nauseous, ssri dreams are pretty cool, i’ve got stuff to do for the next two days and tbh i’m starting to wish that i’d have a day just for myself cause i kind of miss just staying at home and in bed for half of the day /spoken like a  person truly committed to depression, lol

the world is much nicer with all the snow now and i saw a snowman already, outside my parent’s house

5 good things today:

1. things covered in snow (trees are pretty)

2. my dad’s dinner was really good

3. and i got some food back

4. spending time with all of my nieces is nice,

5. extra endorfines from a tickling session with my youngest niece because it makes her laugh so much and her laughter is the best

i guess i’ll stop saying goodnight to myself

day 4

i’m getting lazier and lazier about writing here...

i slept somewhat ok and had pretty weird dreams, headache subsided but still continued a bit, i think it’s my sinuses acting up and also making me nauseous...i gave in and took ibuprofene, i don’t think anything bad really happened so i guess i’ll just ignore the consult the doctor warning for now :1

i actually went to the award thing despite feeling really shitty - and not even mentally but physically, rather. but my mom is a good manipulator i guess . _ .

i only freaked out for like 15 minutes while there and enjoyed most of it, although some things mentioned there were pretty emotionally charging and i also somehow ended thinking about M. at some point and had got teary-eyed, because that mostly asleep part of me (especially when i;m more depressed) that cares about social/political issues was sort of woken up by him, well maybe not just him but he’s the most involved person i know and i couldn’t help but to think of him. we talked for a little on messenger but honestly i feel like this now very brief contact is probaly just doing me more harm and sometimes i think maybe i’d be better off if he didn’t even bother sending me links and stuff cause when we exchange 3 sentences at a time it just makes me feel even more how within days from someone i thought he cared about i became someone he’s not really interested in anymore.

i’d say today was overall better and there seems to be an upward curve, but at the same time with more good emotions come the bad ones, i mean i guess yesterday, by comparison, i was just way more overall indifferent, and once i start being more emotional it opens the door for both good and bad...so i’ve had a momentary breakdown-and-cry over M. at some point earlier and i feel like crying right now too..probably from writing this. i don’t know . i kind of am back to being afraid to go to sleep cause i’m afraid i’ll think of him and cry.

but i’m supposed to go to my parents tomorrow and i should sleep...

(update on asertin is that taking it in the evening is still working fine : )

5 good thingss that happened/i’m thankful for

1. i guess going out to the people and actually not feeling like shit

2. not freaking out completely and fighting off a mini panic attack

3. i’m thankful for journalists who put themselves on the line and investigate really important things, hearing those people talk about it today was pretty inspiring (but fuck , some of the things they investigated were so disturbing i can’t stop thinking about it still, 10hrs later or so)

4. i also watched a docu about north korea with a lot of secret footage and i guess it made me really thankful for my current situation (even if i can’t currently afford my bills)

5. took some free bananas and a tangerine from the foodsharing place so thanks to whoever put them there

6. when i was leaving i was still really nauseous so i asked my mom if she could bring some mints, and her friend who also attended the gala actually bought a pack of mentos for me, i never met this woman before but that was pretty sweet of her

7. my today’s dinner was sponsored by my sister (ravioli) and my friend (tomato sauce) so thanks to them lol.

goodnight to me

p.s.

Dear Diary,

So this weird thing happened, that I supposedly got a follower. lol. I just really want to sleep now and headache but it seemed like that person is either into art or doing art? which is kind of funny considering my other tumblr is a drawing tumblr and honestly, i just thought they’re following that other one, but no, it’s this one? hello are you lost?  lol hi (i have a weird feeling they won’t respond ; )

bonus post - current soundtrack

I keep listening to Alice Phoebe Lou and her voice is just really soothing, + the lyrics are a bit outsider-cliche but still nice. I must’ve listened to this track like 20 times in the past 3 days

I dooon’t feeel like writinggg

last night i didn’t cry myself to sleep.  my mom came and woke me up around noon, i was pretty sleepy and feeling somewhat shitty like hey i just kinda want to go back to bed but she said she’s either gonna talk with me for a while and leave soon or that i should go shopping with her cause my parents decided they want to buy me shoes (my winter shoes just kinda broke)

bleeeh no if i keep writing like this i will never finish and i actually procrastinated with writing this cause i didn’t feel like it and now i feel like if i hadn’t i would’ve went to sleep 2 hrs ago

i didn’t take asertin in the “morning”, cause i kind of wanted to check wether i won’t be nauseous if i stop taking it and also i eventually got up and took a shower and decided to go out with my mom so i figured the last thing i want is to get nauseous in a shopping mall. in hindsight it seems to be an actually really good idea, cause i took the pill in the evening instead and i didn’t feel nauseous, yay! i’ve had a headache for like 5hrs now though and being afraid to take any painkillers is not really helping with that

so the story is..my dad (who doesn’t know that i’m depresssed because he is sick himself and i want to spare him, i mean they already worry about me enough as it is) heard that my argument for not wanting to go to that whole gala was my lack of shoes...i guess that’s the official version my mom gave him, other than the fucking social phobia/anxiety that i have and the fact that i might just have a mini panic attack there and get dizzy, but my mom still doesn’t really understand it herself so...i don’t know. they just got so hyped about it even though to be honest, it’s some journalism awards and i don’t read any news or newspapers except sporadically because the world is just too fucking depressing for me to handle, so honestly i wouldn’t know a single person there, most probably

sigh

but they just got on this mission to send me there with my mom, and my dad was like oh i’ll pay for her shoes, and in my head i’m thinking honestly if you want to spend money on me i’d prefer to have my bills paid :| :| :| i just can’t really think about superficial things like buying new shoes or other shit when i have like 4$ and thinking whether i should buy cat litter, hair conditioner or maybe food? but i think my parents always had this idea that even when you’re poor, you need to give yourself those little presents so you don’t feel that shitty, like however poor they’d be they would always treat themselves to little things, a fancy cheese, whatever. and i always kinda rolled my eyes at it like UH WHY AREN’T YOU MORE WORRIED ABOUT MONEY but i guess i just hate myself and think i don’t deserve anything

still, i ended up getting not one but two pair of shoes and i feel kind of weird/guilty/bad cause obviously it’s embarrassing for my parents to buy me things at my age, and i feel greedy too, granted they were cheap shoes and that’s the only reason my mom went “ok if you can’t decide maybe i’ll just buy you both” but i didn’t exactly oppose cause let’s be honest, if i had money i’d probably be a compulsive buyer : / anyway she buys me the shoes and beforehands i asked whether this has anything to do with me going to that thing tomorrow and she was like no but afterwards started making it sound like i’m actually going and i’m just really fucking confused now cause i feel kind of bought and i know i’m overthinking this and it’s silly but there’s just so many thoughts battling my mind, to be honest i must admit the day with my mom was gradually feeling better for me (even though there’s always an element of me feeling like i don’t deserve shit and i’ll always choose the cheapest shoes etc, i even thought to myself the two pairs that we bought were a perfect representation of how i view myself vs how my mom wants to see me cause one pair is kinda baggy and casual and it’s my choice obv, these shoes will just go with anything and they’re just not really trying. they’re all dark grey, just like my soul lol. the other pair is much nicer (wait why tf did i say that?) and black and with sparkly shit, i actually like sparkly shit but i usually just collect it and then never wear it cause there’s never an occasion good enough to wear such things and in the past couple years i just descended into wearing sweatpants all the fucking time. oops there was a bracket here, oh). so yeah...

at some point of the day i actually started feeling better and kind of took a step back to look at myself and this whole situation and i was like woah maybe i actually don’t need to be that miserable, it’s just tthat it’s hard to drag yourself out of that state and while you’re in it you really don’t see the way out?

so i felt kind of bad about the gala thing but at the same time i also just felt generally better so it didn’t seem as crazy anymore.. i don’t know. i guess my mom’s now counting on me showing up and i didn’t really say no.

minus point in assertiveness i guess and standing my ground, but then it would make my parents happy, so...

we’ll see tomorrow i guess

i felt like there was something else but i don’t remember now

my head is killing me

5 good things

1. i got new shoes... i guess it’s good not to wear sneakers in winter

2. and my phone bill paid (although i had to really embarrasingly ask for it and multiple times cause my mom just didn’t really want to do it but i was like hey i’d really rather have this bill paid than have two pairs of shoes  if you’re spending money on me already.... : | )

3. i ate a cinnabon and made my mom eat one too for the first time and i actually paid for it with like half of the money that i had left, lol. cinnabon place is a memory with J. but it somehow didn’t bother me

and my mom wanted to go to n.f. and we actually did and then i was like ‘meh’ and tbh, that’s a place i went to with M. and it did kinda bother me

like uhmmm yeah okay maybe i dont really want to sit here or i might cry : |

 (yes i really just don’t talk to anyone which is why when i write a blog i can’t even make a fucking list properly cause i start explaining every single point which i s stupid cause technically im talking to myself and i know all those things already, wha t am i doing?)

4. I didn’t feel nauseous after Asertin. this is good good news

5. i actually felt pretty okayish for at least half of the day which is somewhat new. and so..

i guess , well this is cheesy but again

6. i’m thankful for my mom cause she’s trying to help and i’m seriously lonely as fuck in my life right now and i don’t fucking know what i would’ve done without my parents

okay now i feel like crying so time to abort thinking cause i can’t afford more of a headache

i’m really considering taking ibuprofene but i’m going to sleep anyway so if i can fall sleep with this pain i’ll be fine

night

winter was coming, winter has came, winter is blue

last night went to sleep and cried again, I guess that’s where the escapism ends and I just somehow end up thinking about M.

I woke up feeling somewhat ok and it was bright, a different kind of bright..snowing kind of bright. So it’s winter, I suppose. I was trying to figure out how that makes me feel, somehow I thought it would be more depressing but looking at the falling snow is actually somehow calming. And there’s that light factor to it, snow reflects the light and I know lack of it fucks up my head, plus it creates this safe blanket and i’ve read some stuff about how it psychologically makes us feel better when there’s snow. I guess it’s better opposed to cold, dark ground.

I  took Asertin even later than yesterday and again, about 1-1,5h after, I started feeling super nauseous and dizzy. Freaked out about it a bit, it’s pretty disappoining after I’ve had this whole idea of how I’m gonna start feeling better once I start taking meds and I’ll actually start fixing my life; instead in a way I actually feel worse.

There seem to be a moment when I sort of start feeling “better” (where better = kind of bland/ok instead of just really shitty) , like many hours later, but I’m not really sure it’s the meds working yet or I just hate waking up

I used to like going to sleep but now I kind of hate that too

I don’t really feel like writing today, or explaining anything, I wanted to do that whole retrospection thing of how I got in this place, the whole background with all the shit that’s going on but (at least now/today) I really don’t feel like doing that.

I’ve got a slight headache and I can’t take ibuprofene w/o consulting a doctor cause it supposedly doesn’t go well together with sertraline, and ibuprofene was my main painkiller so i kinda don’t know what to do now. And I have an issue with contacting the psychiatrist I went to that gave me this prescription in the first place..it’s silly cause idk if I keep being nauseous maybe this med is a bad idea, but  I already told her I’m waiting to go to another psychiatrist (which actually does CBT) so that she won’t be surprised if i stop coming, and I guess she felt sort of uninterested in analyzing me or whatever. She told me she’d be available until 10th Dec if I need to see her at all but that I probably won’t, and I was like “oh, are you going somewhere for holidays? if I may ask?” just cause I was curious and I felt slightly more social or w/e, and she responded with “No, you may not ask”. And here I am trying not to obsess about how that means she’s a horrible person and doesn’t like me or that I don’t like her because she said that, I know it’s silly and sort of can understand how if you’re a psychiatrist specifically you might want to keep your life private, but ffs, it’s not like i’m going to stalk her or call her in the middle of the night (I don’t even have her number); maybe I’m wrong but it just felt a bit dehumanizing and caught me off-guard.

Otherwise though idk how she thinks we won’t have to meet again since my dosage is at best for like 6 weeks and I won’t be seeing that other psychiatrist that fast. Plus I would really like to stop feeling nauseous everytime I take my med cause I don’t really see myself going back to normal functioning if that happens : |

Today I’m thankful for idontfucking know what

i would say snow but i’ll probably want to take it back pretty soon? (although snow is kidna alright if you don’t need to go out lol)

but ok, let’s say temporarily that’ll be snow

uhmm my cat (when she doesn’t shit outside her litterbox)

3. the fact that i was able to call my mom and assert myself on how going to some award gala is honestly not going to help me but rather give me a panic attack. it wasn’t easy because she think “taking me out” will help but ffs she doesn’t understand social phobia at all :|  i don’t really think she actually understood me although i tried to explain it to her, but at least she gave up trying to force me to go there :| feel kind of sad/sorry cause i know she wanted to have someone to go with, too, but fuck, just thinking of it made me anxious :/

4. mint tea is pretty fucking great and i’m happy that i have enough of it cause i’m nauseous af

5. i’m thankful for the fact that i’m forgetful and mix everything up cause i thought i had to see a psychologist tomorrow (i.e in like 7,5 hrs from now) and I actually don’t , cause i fucked up the date, which is actually really great cause I didn’t feel so hot about having to wake up that early + my hair is shit and to make everything better, my hairdryer broke (and I have almost waist-long hair, so yeah, fml)

 i might still need to wake up earlier though or be woken up by my mom who thinks that we’re meeting around noon, oops :|p. s i did have some somewhat abstract dreams but i don’t really remember anything now. i’ve had pretty abstract/vivid dreams all my life though so i’m not sure if it’s possible for sertraline to affect it further?ok bye

1st post, at least 10 posts too late.

And I can’t even decide what language to write in.

English is not my first language, but for some reasons  I’ve been using it a lot, and I realized that it’s easier for me to talk about feelings/emotions in english, probably because there’s an element of disassociating myself from them when it’s not in my mother tongue? I don’t know, why am I even explaining this.

So it’s day one.

Day one of back to writing things down, day one of Sertralinum. Asertin for me, most commonly sold as Zoloft.

I’m not sure I feel any change but I also don’t think I’m supposed to, that soon?

I felt pretty nauseous today, not sure if it’s the med or just me. We’ll see.

Let’s rewind.

It’s by my estimate about 15 years I’ve been depressed. Or depressive. Who knows, can’t tell. But let’s say, it’s been at least 15 years since feeling remotely normal/happy (no, not even happy but just somewhat normal) about the world, myself and my life is something rather episodic(?) as opposed to feeling low-key depressed, constantly-in-the-background-casually-pessimistic, sometimes apathetic or just sad. Some days are better, have been better, some days are bland, some days I’m happy to see the sun and do things (well, that’s been a while but I’m on the larger picture now). If things are looking up I’m looking up too, sure. I’m usually happy when I’m in love, though it usually goes downhill somewhat fast. Because I guess you can’t really be in a functional relationship, if you have a dysfunctional relationship with yourself.

And I am not very in love with myself.

I never really wanted to kill myself, except for that one episode with overdosing on gummy candies (at least that’s how I explain it to myself - ate about 2kg of them one night and went from a super high to a really “ooooh shit i kinda wanna die” low, but yeah I didn’t attempt anything, just tried to rationalize with myself that something happened to my brain and it’ll pass. I wrote “overdosed” cause I’ve read somewhere that if you eat too much sugar too fast the brain can’t process it or something and bam you get a high and then oh boy you get a  low). Anyway, I don���t really want to die or kill myself, and never really wanted, I just don’t really act as if I wanted to live either.

And it’s not that I don’t (want to, live). I do, and I want to enjoy life, it’s just...

so fucking hard? It seems simple but it also seems like everyone is walking just fine and I’m in one of those blow-up bubbles that you can get into and say roll yourself off a hill, but I’m trying to walk on water while inside of it.

That’s me trying to be “happy” (and by happy I only mean not miserable)

So, again, I never wanted to kill myself, and that is one of the main reasons why I never sought help - because it can’t be that bad if I don’t want to kill myself, right?

Wrong. So fucking wrong.

If anyone ever reads this, I hope you don’t waste as much time as I did telling yourself you’ll get better on your own. I’m still learning that, but it’s ok to seek help. Fuck, how I wish I’d done it earlier. And I’m barely beginning to try to fix things. 1,5 year after I’ve quit my job, when I’d get to a point that I don’t have money to pay the rent, but I also just can’t really get a job or think about getting one, just a wake up-eat-sleep rinse-repeat cycle

kind of blank and kind of hungry

plans for tomorrow: none (I don’t feel like making plans and I don’t really feel like doing anything)

I kind of feel like I should go to sleep (2 am now) but the past few days getting in bed ended in me bursting in tears because it’s where the escapism ends and I’m dreading that so I guess I don’t go to sleep but then it gets later and later and I know how it fucks up everything but yeah, not like knowing things ever helped me

oh, let’s try this gratitude/good things list. I always knew I should be doing it but always was too lazy. so here we go. let’s make it 5 things i guess?

1. today J. visited me (and was supposed to motivate me to paint the ceiling in the other room and i even took a shower and got some “painting” clothes on, but only to decide I really don’t feel like it and after all feel pretty dizzy/nauseous. but this was supposed to be a good things list, so...)

- it was nice to interact with her I guess, I kind of dread human interaction these times because honestly, 1) the only thing happening to me lately is that I’m depressed, I’m depressed as fuck and possibly the worst so far, and all t he things that happen around that (i.e seeing specialists) , and I don’t necessarily want to discuss that with everyone, 2) the other thing happening to me is literally nothing, so i have literally nothing to talk about. I can talk to you about how my plants have been growing lately. or whether my cat pooped in or outside the litterbox. 3) it’s stressfull . So J. is actually much younger and already on meds for a while, also depressed+anxious+maybe other things, and honestly? feel kind of shitty to say this but when I first met her, or maybe first couple of times I felt like she’s pretty unstable (and I guess in a way she is, she is really emotional and so am I but I guess I’m just older and learned to control some things + maybe have a different temper)..anyway the funny thing is I used to think (with all my sympathy to her) that she’s like, pretty unstable and just not really well, now she visits me and she’s the one starting a job tomorrow, I’m the one who can’t even think of trying to get one. But she gets it, and I know it’s not easy for her either. She gets all of this, which is why I’m grateful that I can talk about all those things with her and not feel judged, which is why I can ‘handle’ her and honestly I don’t think I would want anyone around rn for whom I’d have to pretend like I’m a normally functioning undepressed person.

lol I fail at making lists

2. we watched “Little Miss Sunshine” (both for the first time), I’ve been putting away this movie for so many years now and it’s really a super feel-good, so I’m glad that we did.

3. I guess when she was around there were times when I was feeling pretty normal and that was nice

4. ok this is hard. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ok i’m grateful that my cat decided not to poop outside of the litter box, it’s pretty silly but it’s really frustrating as fuck when she does it

5. Actually it was my mom’s birthday today...so I guess I should say that I’m thankful for her? :|

6. ok wooh look at me doing so great i thought of a 6th thing. I’m pretty thankful to have free health care and for the fact that (at least my meds) are so idiotically cheap I really regret not going to a psychiatrist earlier, i’d be pooooppin dem pillz like candies, yeahhh. (no not really but asertin here costs like 1.5$)

p.s I had a dream that I was this kinda weird girl (somewhat like Barb from Stranger Things maybe?) and maybe kinda retarded or at least acting like i was; I went to a library and asked the librarian for one book after another, trying to find my “father” except she’d give me a children book about fish and i’d point at one and shout “oh that’s my father!” and then go on to the next book and whatever character and claim them to be my father as well and none of it made sense and that poor girl was looking at me like “gurl you cuckoo much?” but with sort of a confused-pity, it was like i was on some weird cray search for a father figure and didn’t really know who my father was and I was recognizing “him” in every next thing I could. and then after a while of going through those books, I acclaimed that I just realized Tommy Wiseau is my father and I need to get in touch  with him, I had some weird reasoning why I thought it makes perfect sense that he is and for some reason in the dream logic it worked in my favour that I was this mentally challenged girl and didn’t really have bad intentions and I think the librarian girl sort  of helped me to get in touch with Tommy Wiseau (as opposed to any other person who would want his contact details to stalk him or something?) but not much came out of it cause I woke up.

the end (that’s a pre-ssri dream btw)

end end