#BUT MY FUCKING PARENTS KEEP FIGHTING ON THE 10 HOUR DRIVE THERE
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Tw vent in the tags because I'm a sad bitch who would rather talk to strangers on the internet than their own family
#i thought i hit rock bottom when i was 6 and my parents started to fight#BUT BOY WAS I WRONG#gender hasn't been gendering because i was plagued with the unfortunate genes of “curvy”#and my siblings want to do a cover of one of my favorite songs with me#and id fucking love that#HOWEVER i cant because i have a girly girl bitch voice#another thing is that I've recently been worried about is my dummy dumb nogin of mine#ive noticed that i am to tired to go on#but whenever i talk to .y parents about it they just say shit like “i am an adult and you are a carefree child who is just over dramatic”#another thing is that i am currently in a car visiting my half sibling#he's the only person ive felt comfortable to come out to and he's been supportive of me throughout the years#BUT MY FUCKING PARENTS KEEP FIGHTING ON THE 10 HOUR DRIVE THERE#and its scary because we are in a VEHICLE#that could KILL me and my SIBLINGS#but they are too busy fighting to care!#AaaAAAaAA#owe. vents about stupid shit that doesn't apply to their audience
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[gasps] number 10 you had me at steddissy!!
Fun Facts about Patchworks, it and Chokechain where the two fics I was like "I'm not gonna post these until theyre complete theyre so close!!" and then posted parts of anyway lmao. Patchworks ended up needing a bit more than Chokechain did to finish it out but she's close.
This one also hasn't gotten The Red Pen of death Editing yet.
Snippet:
"I can't fucking belive this." Robin hisses, and Steve just sighs.
"How are you still mad?"
"How!? How could I be mad that after struggling with my sexuality; fighting it with tears and--and constant doubt for years, you just threw up once and that was it!"
She drops her voice as deep as it'll go, mocking Steve's own. "Guess I'm queer now, let me get my coffee."
"That's a horrible impression of me."
"Accurate you mean." Robin mutters darkly. "For the record I don't think you're fine by the way, I think you're repressing it."
"I'm not repressing anything Robin, I told you I'm comfortable liking both."
"Not the queerness, dingus, the reaction to the queerness!"
"I think you're just mad I'm better at being gay than you."
Robin gapes, mouth swimming through the movements without a sound.
Oh, he's really pissed her off, and Steve delights in that too, in a way only siblings and soulmates can.
"Better than me!?" She finally sputters, and Steve settles his hip against the counter, hands crossing smugly over his chest.
"Yes."
"You--you!" Robin's shaking a finger at him, and if steam could have come from her ears they would have.
Steve doesn't fight his grin.
"Talking," she says finally, slamming a stack of VHS's on the counter opposite him, and God is he thankful that Family Video is dead for this conversation, "is one thing. Let's see you actually back it up, hotshot.”
"By what? Hanging out with Munson?" Steve challenges back.
"Yes." Robin spits immediately. "We've all seen how you flirt. I want to see you put all those terrible flirting skills that we know don't work outside of high-school to the test!"
"I told you Robin, I was bombing on purpose at Scoops." He warns, as he warms up to the challenge.
Hanging out with Eddie will be easy.
Sprinkling a little light flirting on top?
A total cakewalk.
"I don't believe you." Robin says with narrowed eyes.
"Just watch." Steve tells her smugly.
The nice thing about it all?
Steve barely has to wait a few hours before he can prove himself right.
Eddie trots in as if the universe had given him his cue, coming up to the counter with one of his wilder grins.
"Minion!" He crows, and Steve rolls his eyes in response.
"Munson." He greets back, but makes sure to lean across the counter, curling his body towards Eddie.
Predictably, Eddie gets right up in his face.
"How goes the droll and drab life of retail?"
"Not terrible." Steve catches Robin's eye, and has to suppress any hint of smugness.
'Celebrate after you make the play!' Steve thinks in his coach's voice, and he settle himself in for the game.
"Say Eds," he says, and watches the way the nickname grabs the older teens attention, "you still selling weed?"
"Not to your freshman, I do keep my promises." A palm goes over Eddie's heart, face full of roughish charm.
Hook.
"Nah I was thinking for myself. My parents are home for the month and they're driving me up a tree."
A truth, though given they were close to their next departure their attention was off Steve and onto more important things.
Like getting into the right hair salon, or making sure they rubbed shoulders with this or that person.
"Think we could smoke at your place?" Steve dips even closer into Eddie's space, delights at how wide those doe eyes of his can grow. "I'm happy to pay."
Line.
"Sure, absolutely, uh, man." Eddie says, and Steve doesn't hold back the grin as he watches him fumble.
"Thanks." He beams, before reaching out to pretend to brush something off of Eddie's jacket. "You're a lifesaver."
"Sure am!" Eddie outright squeaks, and over his shoulder Steve can see Robin gawk at the two of them.
"Certified life guard Eddie, that's me!"
"Oh," Steve grins. "Certified. You'll have to show me how to do CPR sometime."
"Yeah, Eddie says, before abruptly wrenching himself out of Steve's space, face fire engine red. "I can show you when we uh, hang out. To smoke. What uh, day do you...?"
His voice goes higher in question, and Steve gives him his best slow 'I'm charmed' smile.
"Tonight? After work?”
"Tonight!" Eddie says, before he starts dancing back, waving finger guns at Steve. "My place! Be there or be square!"
"Well I'd hate to be square." Steve replies, giving a lazy wave as Eddie crashes backwards into the door, spins around with a curse and half falls, half tumbles his way out.
Sinker.
Steve turns a victorious look on Robin.
"He didn't even rent a movie." He preens, while Robin tracks the absolute disaster that is Eddie trying to drive his van away.
"Oh my God." She says, wide eyes meeting his too smug ones. "I'd say that was smooth but that was the farthest thing from it."
"Hey, I was smooth. We're only judging me, not my dance partners." He counters.
"Oh? Certified?" Robin mocks him once again, clenching her hands under his chin before dropping them in disgust. "I can't believe that worked, everyone knows you were a lifeguard for years!"
"I'm just that charming."
"More like Eddie's that far gone." She says with a dismissive snort. "He has it bad for you.”
"I dunno," Steve drawls, resting his chin on the back of his hand. "You're just as bad the second you think a girls flirting with you."
The offended gasp Robin lets out has Steve cackling immediately.
"You take that back!" She howls, winging a wet rag at him.
Steve jumps back, still laughing.
"Steven Harrington you take that back!"
"I promised not to tell lies Rob," He gasps, as she whips the towel at him again.
He reaches out a hand, catching the towel easily. “I can’t take it back!”
Robin shrieks, and soon enough they're both laughing and wrestling over the towel, all thoughts of the weird dance Steve, Eddie and Chrissy were doing, forgotten.
#this is more stobin and steddie#than it is steddissy#but it plays an important role in the three of them figuring itself out even if Chrissy isnt there#this ones safe to read if youre just into steddie#or a cute Stobin moment#featuring Steve “What Sexuality Crisis” Harrington#and TERRIBLE flirting
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!cussing, gay jokes and sibling fights!
At the hospital, Mark was currently getting his heels wrapped. Luckily from his stupidity from jumping off a lamp post. He didn't need to have surgery or get casts. The only thing he had to do was keep his heels wrapped and use crutches. "Now Mark, you will need 6-8 weeks to heal. For the first 3 weeks you will have to use the crutches. After you heal, we will decide if you will need physical therapy or not." The doctor explained. Mark nodded softly as he listened. Great, this is fucking perfect. He thought to himself. He sighed some. He was glad that Anne and Tom were there with him. Anne was worried about her brother. How could he be so stupid to just jump off the pole? Was he really trying to impress Tom that much? God he was such a freak. Tom, on the other hand was glad Mark was going to be alright.
"Alright, now Mark. Do you have anywhere you could possibly stay for the next few weeks? I need to keep an eye on your heel before I take off the braces. But you'll have to still use the crutches." The doctor explained as he looked at the other. Mark looked over at his sister and Tom before looking back at the doctor. "I mean..yeah, it'd just be an half an hour drive from CSU to here. I'd just have to find someone that's willing to take me every week. I'll be there until sometime in July."
"You could stay with me. I have plenty of room. I can take you to your appointments and college too. I'll have to settle it with my parents, but it wouldn't bother me." Tom chimed in with an offer. Maybe it seemed a bit pushy, but honestly it would give both of them an excuse to hangout. Plus what else would he be able to do for most of the summer? This would be a great opportunity for him to get to know the older boy too. He wasn't too sure how his parents would react to it, but fuck what they have to say. He would just have to worry about Kari telling them. She probably wouldn't since her and Tom were pretty close.
Mark thought about it for a moment before nodding. "Sure, why the hell not?" He said with a smile as he looked at the younger male. Tom smiled more, feeling butterflies in his stomach. This was going to be the best summer ever.
Timeskip - June 8th, '92 10:30 AM
Tom and Mark were currently in the kitchen, getting themselves some breakfast. After the past few days, the boys have gotten to know each other better. Kari and Shon have met him and they seem to like him, which made Tom happy. Kari may or may not have a crush on Mark. She'd always blush whenever he was around her. Could you blame her though!? Mark was an attractive guy. Tom's parents were supposed to be coming home today..and they still have no idea Mark is there. This will either end up being a shit show or they'll actually let Mark stay.
Tom was wearing Mark's 'Atticus' shirt that he'd let him borrow and dark grey sweatpants. Meanwhile, Mark was shirtless and in red flannel pants. Tom laughed as he looked over at Mark. "You look so gay with that one nipple piercing" he joked. Mark rolled his eyes playfully. "It's not my fault! What if I only wanted one hmm? And what about you? Why are your ears double pierced? And why do you have your eyebrow pierced?" He joked back, playfully hitting him in the arm.
The younger male laughed a little more. "Because, Mark they look cool! You're just jealous. It's very clear that I'm the cooler one." He said, soon getting an idea. Since they were making pancakes, he put some of the batter on his finger. He then wiped it on Mark's shoulder, laughing a bit. "Man, what the hell!" Mark said before doing the same thing to his friend. He smeared batter on his face as he laughed. He was leaned against the counter since he didn't have his crutches with him. He just trusted Tom with his life when they'd go downstairs. "Damnit, Hoppus! You're lucky you're a paraplegic or I'd chase you around." He warned, getting more batter and smearing it on Mark's chest.
Mark rolled his eyes before carefully getting closer to the taller male. He grabbed some batter, smearing it from Tom's hair, down to his cheek and ending at his neck. This made Tom feel butterflies again. A light pink blush came across his cheeks. He didn't know why he felt that way, but he liked it. Why does he make me feel this way? I've never felt this way before. Tom thought to himself. Mark noticed the blush and smiled a bit more. He thought it was sort of cute. As this was going on, Kari had made her way downstairs. She was wearing a burgundy sweatshirt with her jeans. She saw the two, raising her eyebrow. She then cleared her throat. This caused Mark to jump and almost fall. Luckily, he was caught by Tom. The boys glanced at each other, causing one another to blush.
"Sorry I ruined your guys "gay" moment you were having, but I'm hungry. Is the food almost done? Also..hi, Mark." Kari said, smiling as she looked at her crush. "There's some pancakes done. We need to go get ourselves cleaned off." Tom said, helping Mark back up. He noticed his sister eyeing the older male up and down. "Kari, stop daydreaming about your crush. You're literally going to drool." He joked, chuckling a little. Kari rolled her eyes before she made her way over to get herself some food. "Tom, why can't Mark just stay in my room? Why does he have to stay in yours?" She asked. Tom raised his eyebrow as he looked at her. "Uhmm maybe because you're literally 15 and he's fucking 20. Plus mom and dad would murder you and him if they'd find that out." He said, watching as she turned to look at him. "You're 16 almost 17! What the hell is the difference?!"
"I met him first and he's my friend, plus I am closer to 18 than you are! So end of discussion! Now eat your pancakes and quit bitching at me." He said as she rolled her eyes. "Teenagers" he said, making Mark laugh.
Once the boys were cleaned off and Tom changed his shirt. They began to eat. They sat across from each other as Kari, of course, sat beside Mark. She complimented him on his nipple piercing and his ear piercings. "Mark, you should totally come to homecoming with me this year." She commented, blushing a bit. Tom gave her an unassuming look. "Kari, no."
Mark gave her a reassuring smile shaking his head softly. "I'm sorry, Kari I don't think I can. I'll have to go back to college..well maybe if I still enjoy it." Kari rolled her eyes at her older brother before sighing. "Fine..what are you even going to college for anyway?" She asked. "I might become an English teacher..but we shall see." He spoke before taking a bite of his pancakes. "That's cool I guess" she commented.
Meanwhile Tom grabbed the whipped cream, smirking a bit. He got up, hiding the can behind his back. He walked his way over to his sister as her and Mark chatted. He then sprayed whipped cream into his hand. Quickly, he shoved it in her face, making her gasp and Mark laugh. "TOM!" she said, whipping the cream off her face. Soon, she got up and began to chase Tom around the house. Mark watched, laughing. He enjoyed his time here and he was sure this summer was going to be great.
A/N; I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!
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Welcome to the last update before we fuck off to college! I feel I have really ignored the teens this generation thanks to the adults being such disasters, so now that Cyn’s horrid LTW is done I take the boyos out for a fun(??) night Downtown. I’d really like to find Sophito someone alive and age-appropriate so I can get him off this Sandy Fairchild kick-
-and Sugar’s uhhh.. along for the ride.
-Something’s lodged in my ear!!!
Probably Joe Carr’s character file. Sugar no offense but please maintain a respectful distance from Sophito tonight because I don’t want people realizing you two share a gene pool.
Ok when I opened this pic in Photoshop I lold for a solid 10 secs, you have Sophito literally looking like he’s on the cover of a teen magazine:
And Sugar LOOKING LIKE THIS:
I curse you, Don. I curse you to damnation.
-Um, Sug, not to ruin your underage drinking binge but you’re the only one of us who can drive.
-Sorry, Sophito, maybe you should have spent less time ‘sTuDyInG tO gEt iNtO CoLLeGe’ and more time stealing your mom’s car to try and cut the brakes.
-You’ve cut the brakes of the car we drove here in?!
-Nag, nag, nag, you’re alive aren’t you??
We change venues due to the tragic lack of teens and finally, we find one! Sophito likes her, go talk to her, be your charming self!
-HAHAHAHA. BEWBS
SOPHITO WHAT THE FUCK
Sugar also likes her, let’s see if he fares better (doubt).
OF COURSE. Alright then, clearly ignoring you two losers was the right call, let’s go home.
Ah, STABILITY.
Whatchu reading, Sandy?
-I̵ S̸T̷O̷LE̵ G̷ILB̸ER̸T̷'S̵ D̷I̷AR̶Y̶ T̶O̷ S̵E̶E ̶IF H̴E̷ L̷O̸V̶ES̵ M̵E🧟
Nice, does he?
-N̶O̵T A̷S M̶U̶CH̴ A̴S̴ H̶E D̴O̴E̶S H̵IS M̸O̶THE̵R̷🧟
OMG IT’S WHATSHISNAME. MAKOTO aka Blonde Teen Townie that our teens keep rejecting who was also Sophie’s bestie from her townie days! He’s still wearing his toga from that terrible college party we invited him to LOL
-Here I am again, ready to be rejected :(
Well look who’s socially competent all of a sudden!
-Makoto, we just met 4 hours ago, but I can tell we’re gonna be best friends forever!!!
-I can hardly believe a Union finally wants to hang out with me! In a hot tub, no less! What an honor!
Ya not to rain on your parade, Makoto, but Sophito literally lives in the hot tub. If game coding allowed it he would eat, sleep, and attend digital classes from there.
-Oh Sophito, let me offer you this shirtless goodbye hug that I’m sure won’t awaken anything in you!
-Yes, Makoto, I’m sure it won’t!
-HAHA WHAT A FUN NIGHT! MAKOTO SURE IS GREAT :D
Makoto sure is, which is why we’re not taking him to college with us and forcing him to watch you have your 50 first dates.
-BUT I WANT HIM!!! To come along to college I mean!!!
Well I don’t know what to tell you, kiddo, you chose the himbo life. Now keep getting stoned while I deal with Sugar’s attempts at finding love:
-WHAT THE FUCK, THAT HURT, YOU FREAK
-I told you I was ripped but you wouldn’t believe me!
Sugar seriously, God help me with you.
We call over the matchmaker and spend max amount to hopefully find someone Sugar has some chemistry with..
..and we get Lakshmi aka Daniel’s first love, LMAO. Lakshmi wtf, are you this legacy’s designated first gf for losers?
-It definitely looks like it.
Things are actually going shockingly well with Lakshmi and she even accepts Sugar’s invite to stay over?? I’m like great, more time for her to get used to the extremely acquired taste that is Sugar, but I didn’t count on the entire household conspiring to ruin his life:
-𝙵𝚄𝙲𝙺 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚂𝚄𝙱𝙹𝙴𝙲𝚃; 𝚂𝙰𝙽𝙳𝚈 𝙵𝙰𝙸𝚁𝙲𝙷𝙸𝙻𝙳!
-O̸H, ̴M̴Y RO̸T̸T̶I̵NG̴ B̶UT̷T!🧟
-FUCK YOU CYN, WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE NOW THAT THE 20 LOVERS ARE DONE?!
-WAAAAAH LAKSHMI MY PARENTS ARE FIGHTING AGAIN, I HATE MY MOTHER SO FUCKING MUCH, PLEASE DATE ME
-NO, YOU STUPID BRAT, YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO INTERN AT MY LAW FIRM. AND SPIT OUT THAT GLASS OF WATER YOU JUST DRANK
-So, this was a super fun weekend, right Lak? Are you Stockholm Syndromed yet or do you need more time?
Get our of here, Lakshmi, RUN
Well well well look who’s back, dressed inappropriately for the season.
-Omg he’s so cute when he’s getting hypothermia!
Omg he is but don’t get attached, I told you we’re not keeping him.
-Hey bro! Wanna fake punch each other on the arm?
-Sure!
-Wanna have a bro hug?
-Ok!
-Wanna have our first kiss while iVan and Sandy kill each other?
-Totally!
-Oh Makoto, I wish I didn’t have to leave for college in literally one hour.
-𝙳𝙸𝙴, 𝚂𝙰𝙽𝙳𝚈, 𝙳𝙸𝙴;
-I̴ C̷AN̸'T D̶I̷E, Y̴O̷U̷ D̸U̶MBA̶S̷S̴ W̵E̵S̵T̸W̴O̸R̵LD R̷EJ̶E̵CT̸🧟
-Just remember, Makoto, when it’s cold and rainy outside, the warmth of our youthful love-
-I̸'̶M G̵O̶N̸NA̵ S̶H̵O̴V̶E Y̴O̵U I̸N T̵H̴E F̵UC̷KIN̸G̸ F̶O̵U̵N̴T̵AIN, i̸VA̴N🧟
-Oh Sophito, let me take a mental picture of this moment so I can always rememb-
-SOPHITO COME QUICK, SANDY RIPPED OUT iVAN’S MOTHERBOARD
-NOT NOW, SUGAR
-Makoto, I just wanted to say-
-𝙸 𝚆𝙸𝙻𝙻 𝙱𝚄𝚁𝚈 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚂𝙰𝙽𝙳𝚈, 𝙱𝙰𝙲𝙺 𝚆𝙸𝚃𝙷 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙼𝚂 𝚆𝙷𝙴𝚁𝙴 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝙱𝙴𝙻𝙾𝙽𝙶;
-MY BEEEED, WHERE’S MY BEEEED👻
-SOPHITO I WANT CHILI, COME HELP ME COOK!
-Listen, Sophito, I’m just gonna go.
-Yea, good call, see you around.
Time to fuck off! Sugar let me tell you something, and I truly mean it, I can’t believe you’re going to college.
-Me neither, I’m basically illiterate :D
Fun!
As Sugar is departing, his ‘go to taxi’ action gets cancelled because he stops to cry one last time about Cyn cheating on Don LOL.
And we’re off! Perfect timing too, because right after Sophito leaves..
..JOJO HEARTFARTS OVER iVAN. WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS, LET’S GTFO
Now in college we are of course taking with us Daniel and Melody’s twins, Julian and June, aka JuJu..
..our cousin, Wulf and Angel’s horrible son, Wilfred..
..Brittany and Gunther’s horrible son, Reginald..
..and Ti Ning and Frances’ horrible daughter and Reginald’s girlfriend, Eliza. Quite the eclectic bunch of douchebags, if I say so myself. See you next time in college!
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I love you and the three raccoons that make up your 5’4 ass but please STOP GETTING HURT. And the concern is vry much warranted hon
It was the broken ankle wasn’t it? That’s what caused the concern.
….
Have I told the story about the time I became The Kid Who Totally Died In Homeroom™️?
So like I live in the America Lands where from a young age I was told to deny an ambulance at all costs because shit costs money and until my mom remarried we were poor as fuck. But EMT’s only let you deny care if you are able to like breathe and tell them that and are also not a minor.
And can breathe.
So I had zero hour (class before classes technically started) gym and it was fallish time I think so my lungs were already shot but no one believed that my wheezing ass needed to not be told to run faster because I would do it and then almost black out so fun times.
So I had an asthma attack. No big. I had a minor one pretty much every day. Took the inhaler. Vibes with the office ladies who saw me pretty much every day because two middle aged moms were better company when asthma-ing than The Alleged Pornstar™️ and like twenty five teenager. It’s whatever. We move on.
Second hour is Chorus which is normally fine but my lungs were still feeling real bad and trying to Fancy Breathe was not making it better. Got a little more wheezy. Spammed my inhaler again. No big.
Then comes homeroom which that day was club period.
And I was, perhaps unsurprisingly, in improv club.
So I’m sitting on top of a desk in the Forensic Science classroom watching them play the bus station improve game when it happens.
I cough.
Then I keep coughing.
Then I can’t breathe.
So me being me just get up and walk out. It’s an old hat. I’m pretty used to it. I start making my way to the office to vibe with my girlies until it passes.
Only it doesn’t pass.
And the office is farther away from the forensics classroom than it is from the gym. And I’m still coughing and wheezing. Rather loudly mind. It’s not fun.
Here is where things start getting hazy. One minute I’m in the hallway alone and the next the tiny forensic science teacher who is like the same size as me but fifty pounds lighter and one of my office girlies are hauling ass towards me. Then I’m sitting in the office girlies desk. Then more and more people are there watching and staring and I’m still not able to get in a breath.
I remember two things clearly.
One: the friend I was fighting with for months (who incidentally said I faked my asthma attacks) was at the phone calling home staring at me.
Two: my French/Theatre teacher the sweetest woman I knew was watching me with horror as she sunk into a chair and I have a very clear memory of thinking “someone should help her” like I wasn’t actively trying to suck what little scraps of oxygen I could get through satans piss hole.
Then I’m in the assistant principal’s office and the EMT’s are there. There mother fucker’s give me FOUR BREATHING TREATMENTS IN A ROW.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had a breathing treatment but it really scrambles the brain meats. Just one makes me kinda loopy. At this point I am staring glassy eyes at this man as he tries to get the barest information from me because I know he’s talking and I see his mouth moving and nothing. No one is home.
No one can get ahold of either of my parents. My mom lives half an hour away. My dad is literally around the corner but was probably drunk at 10:45 AM on a Friday. No one knows what to do. I offer to drive myself home. No one agrees with me (v rude)
They finally call a code yellow to keep the other kids in class and load me up on a stretcher to go to the hospital. I think my dad showed up here. Pretty sure I called him a bastard. Not entirely sure.
The only memories I have after this are that they were playing the local rock station and I lifted my head off the stretcher looked the EMT in the face and told him “I like this station” as the edgy sex innuendo soundboard plays signaling the radio person actually talking. And once I was actually in the ER and both my mom and stepdad had arrived I cracked a joke because I’m still out of my mind zoinked and my step dad Was Not Amused and snapped at me.
I was fine. They kept me like less than an hour and sent me home. I kept the bracelet on as an excuse to leave work early. By the time Monday rolled around half the school thought I was dead and the other half were like “Nah that’s just something they do ya know”
And that is the story of my one and only ambulance ride.
My school got a pulse ox machine for literally just me the very next year.
#the elf talks#this isn’t even my most wild story tbh#if something batshit insane is going to happen it’s going to happen to me#I am murphy’s law on two legs
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This Hope Is Treacherous Chapter 2
Read chapter 2 of my @jilymicro-oops This Hope is Treacherous here or below the cut!!
(To read chapter 1: read on tumblr or read on ao3)
Chapter 2 - ��I hear the sound of my own voice asking you to stay”
It’s only 10:30 on a Saturday morning and Lily’s already wrapped up in blankets, crying.
Sure, she's had a strained relationship with her family for years, but it hasn’t been this bad in a while. It’s been three years since she lived at home. Distance cushioned their coldness and her friends replaced unfulfilled rolls. She'd been fine.
But today, she woke up to a single text from her sister, Petunia.
“I wanted to let you know you don’t have to waste your time coming home this Winter. Vernon and I will be spending the holidays with his parents. Also, we bought Mom and Dad a cruise trip as an early Christmas present. They’ll be off before you end the semester, so no point driving six hours for no one!”
What a callus, tactless bitch.
Except, something inside of Lily scolds her for her language. Don’t call your sister a bitch. Don’t think that way about your family. They’re your family, Lily. She knows she’s not blameless, but it's as if her family doesn’t realize they’re tearing her in two. Should she dig her heels in and fight for the family that used to exist? Or maintain the distance they created and protect herself?
She’s 21 but right now, covered in blankets, every thought seems to come from a scared ten-year-old girl.
Why don’t they want me?
It’s not fair!
This isn’t what I want!
I want my family back, why don’t they want me?
Lily can’t do this. She’s doing deeper and deeper and the farther she goes, the more ugly questions and ugly answers will pop up. She’s untethered and needs to be pulled back. Lily tries to take a deep breath and makes a plan. There are only a few people she’d feel comfortable going to. Marlene and Dorcas are the obvious choices but they’re away for the weekend, which leaves—James.
Their unspoken thing doesn’t even cross her mind. As soon as she thought of James, she knew she needed his quiet comfort, careful smiles, and loud laughter. Maybe she’d tell him what happened. But maybe just being beside him would be enough to keep her darkest thoughts at bay. Either way, she knew James was safe.
James’s apartment was only a 5-minute walk from her own. Lily walked fast, eager to see James, and knocked on the door.
No one came out. Lily wasn't sure what to do. On Saturdays, James would always cook breakfast for Siruis and any other friends who stayed over. Normally, if you wanted to see James Potter outside his apartment on a Saturday you’d have to wait until at least 1 pm.
So, she knocks again.
This time, a grunt makes it through the door.
“Alright! Alright, I’m coming!”
“What so important– Oh hey Evans, what’s up?”
Lily supposed she should have expected Sirius to answer the door, it was his apartment too. But, her focus was on getting to James’s as fast as possible. Now, as Lily walks through the door, nodding at Sirius, she feels unprepared.
“Hey, is James home?”
“Evans you ok? Want some water? Some of James’s culinary confections?”
“Sirius. Where is James?”
“Ahhh Jamesy Pie, platonic love of my life. He’s out on a coffee date, can you believe it?”
The choked-out “what” that hurdles through Lily without permission is humiliating. She’s standing right in front of a large blue loveseat, completely forgetting that she was about to sit down. Two words run through her mind over and over. James. Date. James. Date. James on a date. James on a date with someone who’s not me.
A “Holy shit Red!” tears through her thoughts. She looks up at Sirius.
“Holy. Fucking. Shit. That was a joke, red. Holy fucking shit! You like James!"
#jily fic#jily wip#jilymicro-oops#lily evans#james potter#angst#angst with little comfort#buttt#the comfort comes in the next chapter#my fic#my jily fic
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Okay, so earlier (technically it was yesterday for me) I asked where I should start reading your story. I then proceeded to not wait for an answer and start from the very beginning. I'm currently about to start page 19 in chronological order, and I am very much enjoying it.
Your writing is amazing, and so is your cinematography. Also, romance montages, my beloved. I am now fighting the urge to make one of my own sims. (Must fight the urge. So many spoilers.)
It's wild seeing how drastically Nick and Alex flip flop over time, especially having read your most recent posts. I'll be very curious to see this all play out.
Also, I love Phillip a lot, and I can't wait to see how everyone reacts to Jean being a part of his life. Cause she is amazing, and I love her. I understand both her and Phillip's sides at this point. Phillip has seen firsthand exactly what the press can do to people, so I totally get him not wanting to fuck Jean up like that, even if she thinks she wants it or thinks she can handle it. But on the other hand, he's very much pushing Jean away, which isn't fair to her. She wants to be a very serious and important part of his life, and he won't let her near the part of his life that has fucked him up the most.
Sorry for providing rambling commentary several months late, but I'm enjoying myself. I would really, really love to keep reading, but it's after 12:30 in the morning, I have an 8:30am class tomorrow (or rather, today), and I still have to take a shower. Was getting hooked on a sims story at 9pm a good idea? No. Did I do it anyways? Yes. Do I regret it? Currently no, but ask me again in the morning.
(Sorry, I'm rambly at the best of times, and even worse when tired.)
(Also, when I say "got hooked at 9pm", I did NOT read 18 pages in 3 hours. I only read like, 10-12 of them in 3 hours. :p)
Okay, I'm actually shutting the fuck up now!! I will hopefully finish tomorrow!!! I must be getting close now, seeing as the dates are only "two months ago".
OMG! No, never shut the fuck up! I love hearing all your thoughts, and it warms my heart whenever people engage with my writing like this. It's the best type of feedback. Thank you for all of the compliments and I'm glad that I've inspired someone in some way :)
Nick & Alex - I think they might just have the most complicated relationship out of all of my characters; they 100% are the most complex sibling relationship at least. I'm actually working on a scene between the two of them right now, and I think it's really amazing how jealousy is the driving factor for a lot of the hostility between the two brothers. Growing up, there has always been an underlying sense of bitterness and rivalry, but recently, especially after Margaux's birth, it's gotten out of control. Nicholas resents Alex because he thinks that he's irresponsible beyond reason, but he also envies Alex's position as second in line. It seems to him that Alex is constantly able to mess up without any meaningful consequences. Alex, on the other hand, thinks that Nick is too full of himself and that his being the heir has rotted his ability for empathy and understanding. Alex is also jealous of Nick being the older, more intelligent, brother. On top of the jealousy I think a lot of their current issues come from projecting their insecurities onto each other, especially when it comes to their relationships with their parents and women. They need to talk it out! Things will get better for them at some point but, as long as they refuse to communicate, it'll only get worse.
Phillip & Jean - I'm very glad people like Jean as much as I do because I wasn't sure about how she would be "received" if that makes any sense. Phillip in my opinion has always been paranoid, but a lot of his paranoia is validated by his life experiences like you said. As a child, he watched the media pressure destroy his mother's well-being; as an adult, it ruined his marriage. Even first-hand, a lot of his defining moments were him having to hide his mental illness and addiction struggles because of how exploitative the press was. So I understand how hard it would be for him to be publically in a relationship with Jean, someone who's so unconventional. But at the same time, like you said, it's not fair for Jean who also has abandonment issues of her own. I'm so glad that, in the time between Chapters 2.5 and 3 they've established a really strong relationship! Although they're not as prominent in chapter 3, there is a lot of conflict generated from their relationship and how both the press and family react to Jean as a permanent addition to Phillip's life. Their relationship is a really important element of the story.
Oh, boy, now I feel like I'm rambling, but I'm always down to ramble about my characters, so thank you for entertaining me for a little while. I can't wait to get to your other asks 😭
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Watch With Me: Hart to Hart 1x04
Episode Title: Jonathan Hart Jr
Original Airdate: October 6, 1979
Why this one? A 9 year old boy shows up claiming to be Jonathan's son? WHY WOULDN'T I PICK THIS ONE. Also, Jennifer gets real real fighting mad - madder than we ever get to see her before or since. It's just a lot of good stuff going on.
Favorite Quote: "I love you, you know that. And you would never ever leave a woman with a child. I know you."
First thing's first, she looks familiar because she was the mom from E.T. You're welcome.
Little trope-y, bad ex comes back to start some shit. But as far as threats go, he's probably right that getting arrested would be enough to get her son put into the system and that is no bueno.
"I love it when you wake me in the middle of the night." No, not that.
Look, it was pretty common for the dudes to be portrayed as horn dogs but they gave Jennifer a healthy sex drive that she's not ashamed of and that's a win for all of us.
"I'm jonathan hart jr."
Max is all of us.
Technically this episode is about Jonathan, but it's Jennifer who really comes in at the clutch. She takes care of that kid, and tries to make him feel comfortable, while Jonathan is sorting through his feelings.
They would have been good parents, but I do not long for them to procreate and am glad they never did.
Like even when Jennifer is all "this scheme isn't going to work" and Jonathan is like "I can't hurt that boy" she's all OK, I guess he's ours now.
Max is me when dealing with kids. What do we do with them?
Asking a child in los angeles how far they live from school - 5 to 10 minutes could be literally ANYWHERE. I would have said that at his age and you could have found 5 different elementary schools within that distance.
this woman really went around calling herself "Mrs Hart". Lady....LADY. it's weird enough that she lied to her kid...a lot. But that seems another bridge too far.
they find out the mom gave a fake address and the kid is like "hey can we go to the zoo now?"
I used to go to the LA Zoo a lot when I was little. You could get these wax animals made in vending machines and to this day the smell of hot wax transports me back there. I definitely had the lion.
12 hours later, JJr is kidnapped by his shitty real dad. This makes JSr really mad.
So JJr's mom shows up at the house.
This lady has some balls. "You must be Mrs Hart" And Jennifer is sitting there chewing the inside of her cheek and actually compliments the kid instead.
Personal proof in the form of a scar and Jennifer's like OK THAT;S REAL PERSONAL.
Jonathan is doing a good job of keeping his cool but he's Big Mad.
Small Jonathan is a chip off the fake block "My dad is gonna beat you up like crazy" lmao. But kid is right and he should say it.
"Be on time. No tricks, no cops."
Ooh, Jennifer aboutta fuck a bitch UP.
She admits she's having trouble with this particular excitement mostly because there's a kid who's in trouble and worst of all, Jonathan is wounded over this child. He has no idea if he's been kidnapped because they're related and he's in agony and Jennifer is Not About It.
I am TELLING YOU. this is a Jennifer ep.
Stanley Freeson is married with two kids? The fuck he is. He's a swinging single, show. It would have been in their best interest to have a show bible but nobody knew that 40 years later we'd be able to watch these on loop and pick it apart.
Man, Jonathan just gave her a 20% agent's fee and it was the single most devastating move. Then he drags her ass about her lies and Jennifer is in the front seat attempting not to look vindicated.
'member when I said Jonathan was big mad, though?
The Bad Dad starts beating up ET mom and Jonathan comes flying in like an avenger.
I'm not crying dad! FUCK KID. I AM.
"You know you're really beautiful when you're angry." LOL jennifer.
this guy is a real douchenozzle. Like he's for real a bad guy. He doesn't get to keep the $20k, does he? I don't remember.
"This little prince got lost in the middle of the nigh. And he couldn't find his way home. So some people took him in, and he stayed. They liked him a lot. They loved him. So he decided to stay. Would you like that Jonathan?"
The next day Jonathan the tech genius can't put together a swingset with Max. And the kid is like "I just need a rope, a board and a tree."
So then Jennifer puts on her Reporter had and goes beating the pavement to find ET mom and there's bad guy Vince following her because he's just the Worst.
And when Jennifer finds Connie, she doesn't kick her ass to the middle of next week. Which is just...classy.
"Listen to me, I said we'd help you and we will."
"Feeding the giraffes is a pain in the neck." she got JOKES.
This is when we find out that Jonathan is also at the zoo in a very convincing undercover costume.
They'll never recognize you, Clark!
"You mean that you're not really my father. If you were my father, you never would have waited so long to see me. Not you. But I wish you were, because next to my mom I think you're the neatest people in the whole world."
I talk mad shit about this show because it's mine and I love it. But it's also just... so sweet and gentle and it heals me.
I for reals mean to only hit my favorite of favorite episodes with this but I am obviously having a tough time whittling them down. I will be skipping Death in the Slow Lane (jonathan buys jennifer a vintage car for their anniversary but it's a piece of spy equipment? meh on plot, but features so killer costumes) and going straight for the absolute madness of "You Made Me Kill You". Something to look forward to, right?
#hart to hart#Jennifer Hart#Jonathan Hart#Stefanie Powers#RJ Wagner#80s tv#you should watch this show#life ruiners the original recipe
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Oh so I’m using you???????? You’re joking right? No? You’re serious
Who provides you a place to stay free of charge and never kicks you out? Me. You go to your moms and always get kicked out so no you don’t even live permanently with her (spoiler your mom sister and niece don’t want you permanently). Your address is my place. Yeah totally using you aren’t I?
Who drives whom everywhere? Including to work and to run errands for their family when you’re at said family home and have access to a truck and car? Oh yeah including winter in snow in hilly neighborhoods? But okay I’m using you. The only reason you put gas in is so I can continue to drive you everywhere.
Who does all the laundry even though you’re a capable grown man? Oh me. But yeah I’m using you.
Who sleeps on a couch when they can’t sleep so you can get some sleep? Me? But oh no I’m fucking using you.
When sick who still drives you and cooks and does laundry for you? Me but yet again I’m just using you, especially when my fever is sky high and I have to drive an hour round trip because your drunk.
Who raised a fucking dog that they didn’t really want? Me. But somehow I’m using you. You left your puppy with me for 3 FUCKING MONTHS to raise while you went 10 minutes away to your moms. I’ve fucking trained him but you want to threaten to take him away from me now that he’s grown and trained. But somehow I’m using you.
Who also keeps track of said dogs needs? I.E. food and treats? Not you I’m the one feeding him and training him. But yeah I’m just an user.
Who constantly lies about the relationship being fine to their best friends and their parents? Me, they worry that I’m being abused (I am) but I lie and say we’re fine. But I’m using you.
Who worries about your health and alcoholism and blood pressure. To the point of suggesting AA meetings and reminded you for a whole month to take the damn blood pressure medicine? Me. Oh no that’s me somehow using you.
Who remembers to get stuff for the house not just what they want when shopping for groceries? Me, without me you wouldn’t have clean clothes, socks, soap or wash cloths. But yes I’m totally using you.
Who always makes sure to ask before spending money? And if you complain about the price offers to modify it to make it cheaper? Hint it’s not you, but me. This also includes me working THREE FUCKING JOBS WHILE YOU AAT AROUND AND GOT DRUNK AND SPENT MY MONEY WITHOUT ASKING. So who’s really using who???
Who gets used as an emotional punching bag? Me but nope I’m second using you.
Who cooks all the food until recently? Me but that’s using you right
Who does all the emotional labor without getting any in return? Me, but wait I’m just using you.
Who validates your feelings? Me. I can’t express any feelings without being bitched at. Again I’m just using you
Who cleaned out the car recently and threw out so much of your shit?? Me. But yeah totally just using you by letting you store all your shit in the trunk
Who throws away all your trash from the car? Me. I don’t even complain even after asking you multiple times to do it. But yeah I’m just using you
Every. Single. Trash. Day. Who brings up trash from the room?? Not you me. But I’m just using you
Every time I ask you for a small favor it’s I’m using you. But you don’t realize how you’re actually using me constantly. Like I know for a fact if your mom asked you to get rid of a wasp nest on her door frame it would no questions asked. But with me it’s a fucking fight. When I point it out you tell me to stop comparing myself to her, I’ll never be her which I don’t want to be. I want a partner not a fucking child. Again I point this shit out to not compare me to your mom it’s just the hypocrisy of me not being your mom and you not needing one to you treating me like one but only worse without respect or love. Idk maybe I am just stupid and shouldn’t want respect from you. Maybe I should start showing you how I can really use you even tho it goes against my nature.
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Im feeling better i guess. My thoughts are trying to swallow me whole and drag me back under. Im trying to be active, trying to help with housework for my older parents, school, learning how to drive(don’t judge ok? I live in a big city so I can walk everywhere), learning how to communicate. Im a shell of who i used to be, im trying. Im trying to relearn behaviors, im trying to learn how to now be weird. My mom is always pissed off, and it feels like my dad is getting tired of me. Im trying to get good grades and be a good daughter. Im trying to be healthy, im trying to be happy. Its working, slowly, im starting to fade again. Im trying to grasp at any excuse to be happy. My friends are all 10’s, best friends with my ex best friend who was abusive. It seems as if im invisible to everyone around me, as soon as i start doing better everybody dissapeears, my mother, my father, and my friends who didnt care in the first place. Im pushing forward. Im going to get jacked and be more confident, im just sick right now. Like bronchitis sick so i cant do anything until i recover or i risk more damage. Im so angry, it feels like my progress ive worked for is going away. Its fine i will be able to work it back.
I want to become normal again. I want friends and a instagram life like my friends are living. How it looks perfect in pictures. The fun they must have behind the scenes. The adventures and memories they’re living. And yet they say they’re depressed. Your depressed? Im trapped. In my room where I spend hours a day not doing anything. Eating alone, sleeping alone, sitting alone, watching shows alone. No contact with anyone. Poor, unable to do anything fun. Stuck with my cat who screams at me all day no matter what i do for him. Im embarrassed, i want everything to go quiet. I want silence, i want a break. And I know i didn’t respond for months, but i was high, addicted to smoking and nothing else. I know i screwed up. I fucked up. I massively fucked up. I want to go back. I care, i care about my life that i had and my friends that loved me and wanted to hangout with me. But now im invisible, a shadow, a ghost. All because i couldn’t try harder, quit longer, stop fucking dreaming and thinking its all about me. But here i am sitting in my bed, writing a whining depressing post on a little colorful app on my magic rectangle. I want to live. I will continue to live. I need to keep fighting. I will keep fighting. Alone or not im going to keep fighting to live. Fighting to find myself as a human being again. Once i find myself i wont need this app, fanfics, music to sooth my daydreaming. I’ll be a living person again, a happy human being.
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Day 6 - 9/10/2023
Guess who keeps on crying? Me! This week had fucking hands like literally tossed me around and threw me on the floor stomped on me. lmao. I'm trying not to let it get to me but I mean it's me so I am going through the motions right now until I feel better. I was driving to a friend's house last Friday when my car stopped and nothing was working so I had to pull over. Thankfully my friend and his dad came to help me and they had triple A. Got my car towed back to my house and I felt so bad because they stayed with me for two hours but I'm so grateful for them. My dad was being annoying about it and I'm like please just be quiet. I hate how my parents are so cheap with things that will benefit us in the future. My parents didn't want to get triple A because they're like we don't need it! And lo and behold! We needed it! With me being misdiagnosed the day before and then this happening to my car, I wanted to run out into the street so someone can run me over. lmao. I'm trying to eat more but my body's still in pain and I wish I wasn't in so much pain. I so badly want to enjoy food again without being scared. I know for a fact I have all the fucking above, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, etc. I'm trying to love myself while trying to fix my digestive system so that my body isn't in pain but it really is so hard. lol. The supplements help temporarily but I need a permanent fix and I know it's coming! It's hard to not hate myself while looking in the mirror but I'm trying my best. I can't thank my body enough for still trying to fight for me and for it to be as strong as it is while I abused it so much with food but I'm trying to have a healthier relationship with my body and food. I know I'll get there. Health is wealth!!
Job hunting is depressing the fuck out of me. lmao. I keep crying about it. I know someone is going to hire me this month. I just feel stuck with no way out and I have bills I need to pay. My mom's been helping me pay for somethings which of course I'm very appreciative of. Once I get a new job, I'm definitely going to treat her out to a nice meal or buy her a nice bag. I have to remind myself that this is all temporary. I do have a job with MGM Resorts tomorrow so I hope that goes well. I'm glad it's a WFH job because they're in Vegas. lol. I'll take anything at this point (as long as it's within my field). I'm surprised they got back to me so quickly because they called me the day after I applied and one of the hiring managers was already asking me questions. LOL. I was like what and then she's like okay let's set up an interview. I was wondering how they haven't hired someone yet because that job listing's been up for a month or so. Either no one is applying for that position, they didn't like anyone they interviewed for it so far or they're doing that thing companies do where they need to post something but they'll just hire within. I am hoping that's not the case. It'd be cool to work for them. I'd be down. Like if they hired me on the spot, I'd take it. LMAOOO.
I did a free Pilates class this morning and it was nice. I miss doing Pilates so bad. I struggled today. lmao. But the instructor was super nice and I thanked her for all the help and she said I did a good job today. <3 Once I get a new job and pay off a lot of my credit card debt, I'll probably take Pilates classes again and go to personal training again!! I just can't wait to feel better about my mind and body in general. I know that amazing thing is coming for me and that all the headaches, inflammation, bloating, pain, and the breakouts will all go away. The gastro doctor already seems 10x better than the holistic doctor that I was seeing.
Yeah, I mentioned I'm like crying a lot huh? LOL. I was finishing up Riverdale cause they put up the last season on Netflix and the last episode made me cry so fawking bad like I cried throughout the whole episode. It was basically about life and death and honestly it was a nice episode because if you've been watching Riverdale a lot of the shit didn't make sense. lmfao. But I think the last season was one of the better seasons because it felt cohesive opposed to their other seasons. Death has always hit me so hard and that episode wrecked me because they talk about how they lived their lives before they passed way and I obviously want to enjoy my life as much as I can which is why I'm always going to games and concerts and doing what I want because I don't want to wait until I'm old to do the things I want to do, you know? My mom gives me shit for it but I'm like okay? I want to have fun. Sometimes it's hard for me though since I think about my health a lot but I'm also trying to find the happiness and joy in things. Despite all the crying I'm doing and have been doing, it's not like I'm purposely trying to be sad or anything. I don't know if it's normal for someone to just feel so intensely about everything because I cry over everything!! And of course I don't want to wait for things to get better. I always try to actively seek out help and try and solve things because I know that there's always a solution for me and that everything always works out for me. It doesn't feel like it right now like my gawd, it doesn't feel like it right now but I know I will.
In June, I had back to back interviews and I was crying and stressed out about it and I was listening to Bulletproof by La Roux and I was like oh, let's see what music she has now and I wish I knew about her recent stuff sooner because it's so goddamn fucking good. Especially her second album. I instantly fell in love. So I dm'ed her on Instagram and I was like she's not going to read it! She's a celebrity! She actually got back to me the next day and I cried because she wrote a long message and I felt like she took the time to write back to me and it was like she didn't have to?! And I wrote her back and she said whatever it is, I got this and idk but it kind of helped me to still keep going. My friends were telling me the same thing but idk why it took an artist for me to be like you know what? Yeah, I am going through all this fucking shit right now but things are going to get better because I want and need it to get better. It still does to this day and after that, I became an even bigger fan of hers. I listened to her in high school and her first album was amazing. I went down a rabbit hole of her interviews and watching her live performances. You can tell she loves what she does. I bought like all this merch and hung up her vinyls and albums on my wall. I sent her a picture of it and a message and if she sees it, then great but if she doesn't then that's okay too! I just wanted to show my appreciation towards her and her music. I know she has a lot of fans that tell her the same thing. Her music does something to my soul and words can't express how much joy it brings me. She sounds like such a lovely person. I would love to see her live and even meet her one day. I hope I get to. I think like a sit down conversation and a hug from her would heal me in ways I wouldn't even know. I know she's dealt a lot with anxiety and everything I read about her, I felt like I could relate. I remember her saying something like she can't really accept things for what they are and I always thought the same for me. I like that she puts out music for her enjoyment and she didn't want to be a huge pop star. She's very humble. I think everything she does is so effortlessly cool like I want to be her when I grow up. lmao. I'm definitely manifesting meeting her one day. I'm always going to remember that she messaged me and I am always going to love her for it.
I'm sure I'm still going to be crying a lot this week but let's just hope for the best case scenario, that my digestive system is healing, that I can eat without being scared, that I'm going to get a new job this month, that I'm going to pay off my debt, that I'll lose the weight and be healthy. To always have hope that everything is always working out for me.
"I can't die until things get better and that's a threat."
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Uncertaintly
I feel like if I want to write, I need to stop making excuses for not writing. I think if anything writing is exactly what I need at this point in my life. Some peace and quiet, no responsibilities, just getting it out there.
I've been so numb guarded this year. I know that my life is in a transition phase so I've been letting things hit my armor and just slide right off. I've been doing my best at least. Trying to remain strong. Trying my best to be resilient, undefeated, in control, powerful, and radiant. But, I see that the things I've been working on in my self over the past few years are showing up like a test to see if I can utilize these tools to help myself not be traumatized by this year of my life. So when the tears want to come, I let them. They fall until they decide that's enough, I wipe them away, and keep moving. I've learned that crying is a way for my body to regulate my nervous system. I do not shame myself or pity myself for being weak. I am weak sometimes, but only because sometimes I've carried too much for too long and need to set it down before I can pick it up again to carry on.
I'm not used to writing. Not like I used to. Bobby really killed that in me. Not that he wasn't supportive, or too nosy. He never read anything I wrote, but I don't think I shared a whole lot. He always thought I was writing about him, always so insecure. He demanded comfort, and that was frequently through quality time- doing whatever he wanted. So it took all time I used to use for myself- to write, or play piano or whatever I wanted, he took it for himself. I wanted to, so don't let me paint him as a villain. We always enjoyed hanging out. Past tense. We had a good time, but after 10 years of the same thing, I just couldn't keep doing it. Not when it wasn't what I wanted to do. After I stopped enjoying being with him, I would be in my room doing whatever I wanted and he would ask me to come watch tv, and I would say no I don't want to. He once said, "I thought we were going to try in this relationship." as he sulked downstairs alone.
Acting is only reacting. Every word out of your mouth is a decision. How do I respond to his lines? Life is improv at its greatest. He wanted me to go along with his script, and when I refused to play he became infuriated and would emotionally manipulate and abuse me. His emotions became more and more uncontrolled. He was constantly furious with me for one reason or another, and when there wasn't any sensible reason to be- then he would go back in history and pick something I had done months before that he was still seething about.
We separated from our marriage a few days before Christmas, but due to life in this century we had to remain living together. They had met someone new and wanted to hook up. He let me know a week in advance so that I could make arrangements, but respectfully said if it was too hard then no worries. (Oh, there were worries though) I thought about it, and the next day I explained how hard that would be for me because that was a day I work 10 hours and would need to come back to the house and get my clothes and the dog right in the middle of the evening before driving to my parents house 30 minutes away, so I hoped he realized how inconvenient that was for me and I said no, I wasn't able to stay somewhere else that night. He said Ok! (It was not OK)
Then one night two weeks later he had started a fight with me over something I can't remember now and was being so mean and really infuriating me. It's exhausting living with someone you no longer want to be married to. I had a long weekend at work, and so without saying anything to him, because I'm in survival mode, I took the dog and went to my parents for the weekend. Anytime I could not be at the house, I wasn't. Well he's mad because he could've had someone over that weekend if I had told him. I said, I don't care if you get fucked- you made me so mad that I couldn't even speak to you anymore.
Two months later he is calling me a hypocrite- because he communicated with me and I didn't do the same for him. But not just name calling, he's standing at my doorway while I'm right there putting my clothes in my closet, screaming at me- red faced, eyes bulging, arms waving in the air wildly - completely unglued. So I turned and just met their eyes and said, "You need to calm down." (He did NOT calm down, but he's done this to me before so I wanted him to know how it feels.) That's when he starts blethering on about my mom and grandma.
My mom went through some dark times when I was in my childhood, I've had a lot of thoughts on it as I've grown into an adult. Stemming from- she should know better, to seeing it as abuse, to understanding that maybe as a mom of 5 she was a slave to the family and had right to her anger, to potentially a post partum rage... who knows, but the voice that had screamed at me countless times and scarred the heart of my inner child found its power and from the bottom of my butt came rearing its ugly head at the tall dark and handsome man that had been terrorizing my life for far too long. I still can't imagine using it on a child, but a power I didn't know I had emerged from my soul and unleashed generations of women who have been asked to do too much by men who don't do enough on the correct target. For good measure, and without full control of my body I took my slipper off and held it in my hand ready to beat him with me. That's when I saw my message had been received by the fear in their eyes and cowering body language. I knew if I threw that slipper he'd throw me a charge, so I walked away and slammed the door behind me.
He came knocking maybe half an hour later saying he was out of line to talk about my family and begging to put this behind us. The first lesson I learned with my mom when I was a child, was that if people are forgiven- they're just going to keep doing it. Plus, with every fight we had in that house, he would come scrambling to apologize because he hated the animosity, but he never actually thought he was wrong because before he was done apologizing he had started something else or was continuing it on. If I didn't accept his apology he would start screaming at me immediately. But that was only because he was never apologizing for the right thing, or the full thing, they were always only a half assed apology just like everything else he had ever done. He hated that I saw him that way too, imperfect. He thinks its a fault with me, but really it's just that I saw him for who he really was and he hated that.
He resents that I know he isn't as good as his delusions let him believe. He is a narcissist, and now that I've figured that out he needs to get rid of me. Sure, there were a lot of things going on in our relationship, but the biggest one was that he wasn't putting forth any effort. In the relationship, in life, to leave the house, anything,
"You know we could just fill out the paperwork and be divorced today right??" He said angrily and accusatorily.
"Then why don't you do it?" I retorted.
So, we are still married, but the house is officially "Coming Soon" and I've done everything myself to get us here. I don't have enough money to pay for a lawyer, I'm tempted to stand on the corner looking hot with a sign that says "Help me divorce my narcissist of a husband" with my venmo linked. But, I've been conditioned to think that everything I want to do isn't worth actually doing, and being a chronic people pleaser has me not knowing who to allow to make all the decisions in my life. Now faced with the Wide and Open Prairie, I'm a little lost.
This is long enough, sorry to word vomit a bit, but there's a lot in my head and maybe if I don't get it down I'll lose it forever. Maybe that's a good thing, but I think I'll want to look back on this in 10 years to sort out whatever trauma it leaves me with.
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So I feel like I need to rant on here because my mind is going to explode if I don’t let some of these feelings out.
I recently quit my job because I was only getting one shift a week and I couldn’t really afford life. The cost of everything went up and I couldn’t afford much. So I quit my job and had some money saved over so I decided to spend the summer at my parents place. That way I could save some money on groceries and the travel to and from work but I still have to pay my rent.
I just got a letter in the mail this past sunday that I’m being evicted from my apartment because it needs renovating. So right now I have no job and I’m loosing my apartment as well. I literally have no idea what to do.
My parents are really supportive and they said I would never be homeless that I could move back in with them.. The problem is I have a small two bedroom apartment filled with a bunch of random shit that I bought over the past 6 years I’ve been living there. I just came to their house for a visit this summer and I have one bin of things that I haven’t had the chance to empty yet and it’s sitting in the living room and it’s driving my mom crazy. It makes her feel like the whole house is messy. How is she expecting me to move back here with all my shit when she can’t handle one small bin of things. (I’m very grateful for my parents and all the support they give me I’m just really frustrated right now and they don’t seem to understand why).
My parents live an hour away from the town I live in and they are in a small village where the closest store is a 10 min drive away. I’m used to being able to walk to a store or order in some food since I don’t drive. I used to feel so stuck growing up here because I don’t have a car and can’t drive. My dad has told my mom that moving in with them isn’t so bad since all I’ll be giving up is my delivered food. He means well but they don’t seem to understand that losing my apartment is literally me loosing my house and life.
And yes I have tried to find another apartment in my city but like I’ve said the cost of everything is way up and all the apartments are triple the price of what I can afford. I’ve looked into buying a house as well but you need a constant job for at least one year and like I’ve said I just had to quit mine.
My dad also told me not to “fall into a depression again” (he doesn’t understand how mental illness works, he grew up in a family that just says “just fight through it”) I told him that I can’t control that at all.
The thing that keeps running through my mind is that I’ve basically lost my life that I’ve created in the last 6 years. That and I was actually on a really good path to becoming healthier. I had stopped eating in the hope of loosing weight, didn’t work I gained 50 pounds, and I was finally in the right mindset into working on eating well and getting some exercise but now with my life crashing before me my mind is back to “fuck this” and I don’t want to put any effort in anything anymore.
I feel like my life is crashing all around me and I have absolutely no idea how to fix it.
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who is/are your comfort character(s)?
All my favs, haha. Magolor, Marx, Akechi, yadda yadda. Most of my OCs too, actually. At least from AM.
lighter or matches?
Neither matches
do you leave the window open at night?
NO THERE ARE bugs OUTSIDE WHY WOULD I DO THAT
which cryptid being do you believe in?
Not really any of em, but my fav is mothman
what color are your eyes?
Many. Usually a grey, but they can be blue or green too. Sometimes a combination. They used to primarily be blue. I think my mood affects it a little.
why did you do that?
sorry i was dumb
hair-ties or scrunchies?
hair-ties but i never use them
how many water bottles are in your room right now?
0. Not allowed to have water up here anymore
which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?
i hate coffee
would you slaughter the rich?
depends on how they act and yknow. use their finances.
favorite extracurricular activity?
drawing or writing
what kind of day is it?
4 days until my birthday. kinda stressful, but nothing to fuss over. kinda out of it, body hurts a bit
when was the last time you ate?
Around 8 PM yesterday i think
do you love the smell of earth after it rains?
no
are you a parent? (all answers qualify)
no god please no
can you drive?
no :(
are you farsighted or nearsighted?
NEARSIGHTED LIKE REALLY BAD I NEED A NEW PRESCRIPTION THIS ONE IS FROM 2018 AND ITS NOT WORKING
what hair products do you use?
water and shampoo?
imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?
if you want them to look like a blind bitch did em, then sure
do you say soda or pop?
soda
something you’ve kept since childhood?
a lot of things. my childhood blankets, Spot my Webkinz Dalmatian, etc.
what type of person are you?
i’d say im a pretty anxious person, but really fucking manic if you let me be. i laugh a lot around people i trust and just. RAMBLE. problem is that i’m very scared of most people
how do you feel about chilly weather?
beats the heat
if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?
I’D BE PANICKING GET ME DOWN YOU
HARLOT
perfume/body spray or lotion?
i let god decide how i smell
a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?
what?
uhhh. in terms of things that haven’t happened yet: my wedding, meeting some online friends IRL for the first time
things that HAVE happened: meeting my boyfriend IRL for the first time, some traumatic shit, random events that have happened
about how many hours of sleep did you get?
NOT ENOUGH. lately, it’s been around 3-6 hours
do you wear a mask?
yuh
how do you like your shower water?
i gotta start warm, but then work my way up to the depths of hell. or if im overheated/can’t breathe then i turn it down
is there dishes in your room?
same reason there aren’t any water bottles in here. nope
what type of music keeps you grounded?
bhhhhshhbhhhhbhbh... I guess metal and whatever the fuck MSI is
do you have a favorite towel?
wh. no
the last adventure you’ve been on?
uhh i hung out with some old friends last month. went to the mall and went to a creek
is there a song you know every word to by heart?
quite a few, but for some reason the first one that popped into my head was Duality by Slipknot. Before I Forget, too. Ala Mode by MSI. Never Wanted to Dance also by MSI
what’s your timezone?
EST
how many times have you changed your url?
AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP TRACK
someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?
some friends from school, fyn and deeds. would have put my old bestie on here but uhh. she ended up ghosting me a few years ago lmao
a soap bar that smells good?
uh. soap ones.
do you use lip balm?
nah i just drink water. i hate putting things on my lips
did you have any snacks today?
no :(
how do you take your coffee?
none at all. unless you mean in a fight: steel chair
an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?
discord, youtube. that’s about it.
what’s your take on spicy foods?
I LOVE SPICY FOOD. i want that ghost pepper tortilla soup again holy FUCK
you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?
i’ll get back to you on that
can you remember what happened yesterday?
no, not really
favorite holiday film?
Nightmare Before Christmas. also love Monster House
what was the last message you sent?
when did you first try an alcohol beverage?
never and i don’t plan to, despite my 21st birthday being on sunday
can you skip rocks?
no :( like a loser
can i tag you in random stuff?
absolutely
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The great adventures of y/n, Tommy, Jack and Tubbo
Requested:yes/no
Pairing: Platonic jack/tommy/tubbo/reader
Summary: another day another adventure
Content warning: cursing / I didn't proof read
An: reader has bright unnatural hair I wrote a lot, I can't figure out how to add read more on mobile I'm sorry
The music you were currently listening to was interrupted by the discord group notifying you that you have a new message.
Tommy: Y/N HOW BUSY ARE YOU TUBBO HAS COME TO VISIT AND JACK IS HERE
y/n: I mean I've currently got hair dye on but it’s being washed off and dried in around 20 minutes, why?
y/n: WAIT TUBBO?!?!
tubbo: oh yeah I forgot to tell you
y/n: how did you forget you know what nevermind, I’m glad you’re here :]
jack: we should be here in an hour so you have plenty of time to get ready
tubbo: what colour dye y/n
y/n: you’ll see soon enough as apparently, you’re all showing up at my house
Tommy: I suggest you wear comfortable shoes
y/n: I am terrified
Tommy: you have nothing to fear... for now
•••
luckily it had only taken you just over 40 minutes to get ready giving you roughly 20 minutes to prepare for the adventure ahead. or so you thought, as soon as you sat down ready to check your phone the sound of Tommy and tubbo laughing could be heard from your room, jack sent a message “hey we got here extremely early I’m sorry there’s no rush the others have been distracted by dreams music :)”
grabbing a backpack from next to your bed you had quickly chucked your phone and purse into the bag unsure as to what you’re going to need today.
•••
as soon as you opened the door you were met with an ecstatic tubbo who instantly pulled you into a hug unable to contain their excitement of seeing their friend
“I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES YOUVE CHANGED SO MUCH LOOK AT YOUR HAIR”
“I look exactly the same”
“Now I’m no genius y/n but last time we spoke you didn’t have unnatural hair”
you paused for a moment as tubbo had a point the last time you and tubbo were on face time your hair was classed as a natural colour however today as a fuck you to your school which didn’t allow unnatural hair you decided to dye it your favourite colour.
“you raise a fair point now if you don’t mind releasing me from your grasp I have to lock the door so no one gets in”
•••
“Tommy unlock the door let tubbo and y/n in”
“Y/N YOU'RE HERE- HOLY SHIT YOUR HAIR! JACK ARE YOU SEEING THIS”
“Hello to you too Tommy”
“well if we weren’t going to get noticed at the shopping centre earlier y/ns bright fucking hair will definitely cause people to notice us”
“oh I’m sorry I didn’t expect to be going shopping with a bunch of Minecraft streamers today”
“don’t you stream Minecraft?”
“This isn’t about me jack”
the trip to the shops was surprisingly relaxing y/n sat at the front listening to jack sing along to songs playing on the radio, however, it was clear the boys had something they weren’t telling y/n which became evident through Tommy and tubbo bickering in the back of the car about who was going to tell them. it was a relatively short journey due to the fact you lived close to the city centre
•••
“let’s go shopping boys” Tommy practically yelled to everyone, tubbo held his phone in your direction then looked towards you, nodding at him you grabbed his phone and began recording
“I'm vlogging”
Tommy walked over “YEAHHHHH”
walking past cex you had to put up with Tommy making sex jokes until you made it to game, you stood holding back your laugh as you filmed Tommy and tubbo fighting about who’s paying whilst jack went off to buy a Minecraft squishy and mug despite everyone’s arguments against it. soon enough fans came over asking for photos with you all once the group of fans left jack took over recording for tubbo whilst you went off to quickly buy some games that you could play on stream.
•••
“want a wig bro? jack!”
the four of you walked into the shop, you couldn’t help but stand in awe looking at all the bright colours already questioning what colour to dye your hair next the sound of Tommy and jack being amazed pulled you out of your thoughts
“Gogy goggles, I’m actually buying them”
“i wan’t a pair”
“no, you’re getting a wig jack”
“I don’t want a wig I want George”
“y/n has bright hair and they’re not complaining”
“what do you have against people with colourful hair jack hmm?”
•••
“I'm not happy”
“you look lovely jack”
“we’re getting so many looks”
tubbo stopped everyone to ‘fix’ jacks wig which resulted in everyone laughing once you had finally stopped laughing you noticed tubbo had walked off and you were convinced jack had randomly decided to record strangers until you saw tubbo going up and down escalators
“oh there he goes again”
“pov you’re thinking about bees”
“where to next boys?”
Tommy pointed towards the lift
“Is this a lift for us”
Tommy noticed the safety sign and automatically made comments about it
“keeping us all safe is what I would say if I wasn’t carrying a knife”
“oh same Tommy”
“look you can see me”
taking that as an invitation to join the vlog you stood behind tubbo and pointed at the sign again and looked at Tommy and jack
“keeping us all safe is what I would say if we weren’t about to do this-“
the three of you went to jump up and down
“NO”
the four of you quietly left the lift however you were convinced that the public heard Tommy comment on having a knife and you threatening to jump as once the lift opened everyone was staring at you but it could also be due to the fact you had brightly coloured hair and somehow convinced jack to keep the wig on, you all spent a long time trying to convince Tommy to get a new outfit, eventually you went into another shop a certain keyboard caught your eye
“I’ve found my home, ill stay here at the gamer bunker”
you decided now was the perfect time to sneak off to buy the keyboard that had caught your eye, once tubbo noticed it was too late you stood holding the bag with your purchase leaving you stood in the middle of the shop defending your purchase to him claiming that it was a business expense and not just because you thought it looked cool.
“you told me you wanted to save your money”
“it lights up tubbo and it fits the vibe of my room”
Tommy placed his arm on your head treating you as an armrest as you were shorter than him and he knew it annoyed you
“they have a point tubbo it lights up”
once the recording ended you made your way back to the car
“say y/n you wouldn’t mind if me Tommy and jack stayed the night as tomorrow we were thinking-“
“sure thing”
“YESSSSSS”
•••
the next day you were woken up at 9 am by Tommy stood at the foot of your bed
“hi y/n”
“WHAT THE FUCK- oh hi Tommy Jesus christ do you know how horrifying that was to wake up to”
“Sorry bout that but if I didn’t wake you up now you’d only wake up in the afternoon and we need to go soon I’ll leave you to get ready”
you noticed a note was next to a jumper on the floor ‘hi, thanks for letting us stay the night I really liked your hoodie so I decided to wear it today here’s mine in exchange- Tubbo :D’
normally you’d be concerned that someone stole your hoodie as you live with your parents however today was an exception once you were all ready you set off jack pulled into a McDonald's drive-through so you could all get breakfast
“nice hoodie y/n”
“Thanks, someone took mine and decided to make a trade”
“you’re welcome”
the journey was quiet again you sat next to tubbo in the back Tommy sat at the front screaming at jack and trying to distract him and people around you decided to took a picture with tubbo who now had his arm wrapped around you as it was rather cold in the car and posted it to Twitter ‘@ ranboosaysstuff wish you were here :D’ less than a minute later you received 2 notifications ‘ranboosaysstuff replied to your tweet: same’ ‘ ranboosaysstuff has tweeted: *the spongebob gif*’
•••
soon enough you all arrived at mint golf to say you we’re excited would be an understatement
“can I get the shortest club you have”
you stood hiding your face in the jumper tubbo left you whilst you laughed a few minutes later you received a call from ranboo the others said they’d sort everything for you whilst you answered
“what’s up tall one”
“stay safe okay”
“ranboo it’s mini-golf I’m not fighting criminals”
“yes but I know how clumsy you are”
“first of all rude second of all fuck you third of all jealousy isn’t a good look on you” you managed to say through laughter
“jokes aside please come to the UK boo”
“oh sure I’ll go book a plane ticket now” *ranboo ended the call*
ranboo made jokes like that before however this time sounded a lot more serious and you had no idea why he called you so you made a mental note to call him again later. once with friends again you were met with Tommy telling the worker all about you all
“yeah we’re big on the influencing”
“What on earth did I walk in on”
“no time to explain let’s go golf”
you were handed a club and a ball and were dragged away by jack
•••
tubbo joked about getting a hole on one as soon as it was his go, you bet £10 with jack he wouldn't
“hand over the money y/n”
you looked at Tommy who was now recording you handing jack the money “so today we have learnt to not underestimate your friends and that gambling is bad. you lose your money to a tall bald guy”
to put it politely you and Tommy found out that mini golf is not your calling in life
“ill stick to streaming“
“you’re both losing by the way”
“yeah well- why and how does tubbo have soup”
tubbo stood cradling the soup as though it was a child
“Some things I can’t explain to you”
you stood tilting your head to the side questioning where the hell he got soup from
“eh”
“soups like a small child I take care of it as if it was my own”
you couldn’t contain your laughter at this point the confused faces of your friends alongside tubbos happiness of soup sent you over the edge so you decided to just sit down before you fall as your knees were already weak from laughing too much
“where did you get the soup from”
“I manifested it”
•••
after a few solid minutes of arguing over soup you and Tommy dropping the phone you all continued with bowling.
“tubbo get out of the way of my dream ball”
you stood recording jack cheering him on tubbo had different plans and kicked the ball away resulting in jack giving up and copying what you had been doing most of the rounds, after missing the hole 3 times each go, picking up the ball and placing it in the hole however again he missed
“you can’t be serious”
“golf isn’t for everyone big man”
Tommy took the phone from you to record “pov you’re me golfing”
•••
“how do we get across there”
“probably the bridge”
Tommy pulled to rope moving the bridge across the gap
“Why thank you, Tommy, wouldn’t have been able to do it without you”
you laughed
“you're extremely welcome y/n it was extremely easy because I’m a big muscly man”
golf was finally going well till you hit the ball a bit too hard causing it to go over the fence tubbo was able to get the ball back
“I’ve been watching a lot of doctor shows” you stood amazed at how far you made the ball go
“see the issue is its mini golf. if this was regular golf I'd have got a hole in one I'm telling you”
•••
“I'm never being in your vlog again”
jack looked at you and tubbo who was now laughing at you pretending to worship the can of soup in the hole
“Tommy please come back”
the rest of the game was chaos, you kept missing the hole then claiming to rage quit golf tubbo and Tommy kept making jokes jack left his drink somewhere then had to go back and find it, no one had been paying attention to you which allowed you to take the score sheet and make it so you had won the game eventually he game was over you had declared yourself the champion of golf despite the fact everyone was better than you including Tommy
•••
the journey back was chaos you called ranboo who claimed he only called you to plan a video/stream with you however it was clear that wasn’t the reason tubbo whispered to you so no one could hear
“I think he wants to be here with us I think he’s jealous”
you laughed and nodded
“of course”
eventually, you all made it back to yours, ranboo said goodbye to everyone then ended the call now it was time for you to say your goodbyes. since your love language was physical touch you hugged everyone. As you walked into your house Tommy yelled “Y/N HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PLANES”
#tommyinnit x you#tommyinnit x y/n#tommyinnit fluff#tommyinnit imagine#tommyinnit x reader#jack manifold fluff#jack manifold x y/n#jack manifold x you#jack manifold x reader#tubbo x you#tubbo x y/n#tubbo fluff#tubbo imagine#jack manifold imagine#tubbo x reader#mcyt reader insert#mcyt x reader#mcyt fanfiction#mcyt imagines#mcyt imagine#mcyt fluff
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We met in online class - Part 8
Image adapted from here.
Pairing: Renjun x Reader
Genre: College AU, romance, angst, fluff
Warnings: Strong language, descriptions of anxiety and trauma response, a character gets Covid-19
Word Count: 3.8k
Navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | You are on Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Last Part
A/N: The Dreamies are best friends and you can’t change my mind.
What do you do when everything that makes you a person starts to feel rudimentary? When you start to feel like an imposter in your own body? When nothing feels real and everything feels inconsequential and the world spins but you stand still?
You do what you’ve always done. You let your body keep you alive.
And that’s what Renjun does. He lets his body take over. He lets it put one foot in front of the other. He lets it make him breathe in and out. He lets it keep his heart beating.
Because his mind had stopped functioning. He felt a numbing take over. Like a warm trickle that started from the crown of his head had run down to his shoulders, numbing everything in its wake. Like his kind body knew that his mind needed protection that way. He feels numb and that’s all he feels.
So he concentrates on every breath. In and out. In and out. He doesn’t know how long he sits there, outside the hospital ward, counting every breath this way. Has it been weeks? Months? Years? Why does time have no meaning? Who decided when the hours would turn to days and days would turn to weeks, anyway? Who decided that time must be measured in the ticking of clocks and in the flips of calendars? How did any of this make sense?
Time should be measured in other ways that would make it seem more real. Time should be measured in the number of times Renjun had hid under the stairs so he could block out his parent’s fights. Time should be measured in the instances Renjun had fed himself dried laver because his parents had a screaming match about whose responsibility it was feeding him. Time should be measured in the days Renjun was alone and scared, waiting for his parents to come home. Time should be measured in the nights that Renjun had spent trying to make peace with the fact that he might never get to return home and that he’d have to stay with his grandmother for all the nights to come. Time should be measured in the last time Renjun felt happiness. Time should be measured in the last time somebody had loved Renjun. Time should be measured in stolen childhoods and resentments and broken relationships and the number of times a person can be abandoned.
Because that would make a lot more sense than seconds, hours, and fucking days. But how long had it been in any of those measures? He still has no understanding of that.
So he lets his body take over. He breaths in and out. He keeps his heart beating. He puts one foot in front of the other. And he has no idea how doing so has led him to this place. Like his feet carried him where his mind didn’t even know he wanted to be.
But he has walked and there you are. Walking down the stairs looking like you always do. Smiling. Happy. Content. Looking more beautiful than you’ve ever looked. Did Renjun ever think you looked anything less than the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen? Renjun doesn’t remember the time. But you look up then and see him standing there. And your smile fades. The light in your eyes dim. The skip in your stride falters. Of course. Renjun was putting out lights everywhere he went.
You see him and approach him, slow and cautious. Like one would approach an injured cat. And Renjun wonders what he must look like. He finds himself speaking out of his body’s own accord. Because he spoke the words before his mind had even had the thought.
“I know you hate me.” he says, although he doesn’t recognize his own voice. His body is here, doing all the work for him. But where is his soul?
“I don’t hate you, Renjun.” you say quietly and Renjun finds himself smiling a sad smile. Of course you didn't hate him. You weren't capable of hatred. It was one of your biggest flaws that had made him fall.
“You should hate me.” Renjun tells you. And he watches your pretty face moving. Like you weren’t sure what you had walked into outside of your own home.
“I…” you pause, maybe to read his face. Like you were picking your next words carefully, weighing them against what you saw before you “... Renjun, are you okay?”
Renjun looks away. Was he okay? What did it mean to be okay? Had he ever been okay? He looks back at you. How could he tell you that nothing in his world was okay? How could he tell you that he didn’t even feel like a person? How could he tell you that he felt like a punching bag for his family and his life and the universe? Why couldn’t you just tell?
“Renjun… um, I know it was a lot. What happened. But, your friends care about you, you know? I know you fought but… it’s nothing you can’t work through…” you’re speaking to him carefully, like if you make one wrong move, Renjun would lash out at you. Truth be told, Renjun is not sure how he’d react to anything anymore. His mind is numb. He doesn’t know how he’s still moving, breathing, speaking. He doesn’t even know why he came here, to you. But his body answers.
“Can I come in for some ramyeon?” he asks suddenly. When was the last time he ate? He doesn’t remember. Why doesn’t he remember anything anymore?
“Um, I…” you hesitate a bit but stop when a car drives in and pulls up in front of you. And that’s when Renjun notices that you’re pulling a travel bag behind you.
“Are you…” Renjun begins to ask but the car’s window has been rolled down and Wong Hendery is waving at the two of you. Even through his numbness, Renjun can feel his heart clench. Of course. Renjun thought he had the power to break your heart. How very conceited he had been to think that. He had probably been a roadblock for you at best. It made sense. You should be with Wong Hendery. He was taller and stronger and more handsome. He came from better means. He was probably nicer to you. He probably listened to you when you talked. He probably got to know you. He probably knew your favorite tea because Renjun certainly hadn’t taken the time to find out. He probably admired you and took you out and knew your life and all your problems. He was a much better man for you than Renjun ever was.
“I… I’m going to be out of town for a bit.” you say slowly, and if Renjun wasn’t so numb, he’d think that you almost look apologetic.
“Oh. Okay.” he replies.
“We can talk when I get back?” you ask cautiously.
“Okay.”
“If you want to, I mean.” you add.
“Yeah…”
“Okay… I’ll see you, then.” you say, looking at him like you’re trying to say something but deciding to move ahead instead.
“See you.”
You walk on, rolling your bag behind you when you slowly turn to look at him. “Renjun, um…” your stop for a bit, like you’re not sure whether you should say what you want to say “... take care of yourself.” you sigh and walk away from him.
Renjun watches as Wong Hendery gets out of the car and helps you load your bag into the trunk. He even opens the door for you and helps you put your seatbelt on. Had Renjun done any of these things for you? Probably not. What was it that Renjun had wanted from you, again? He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember a time when he was with you for a reason other than your company. Other than wanting you by his side. So what the fuck was it that he had wanted from you? All the material benefits he had ever wanted seem so pointless. So small. So incredibly inconsequential. How could he have possibly wanted them from you? How did he ever think that you were anything less than the most giving person in the world? How did he spend all that time blocking you out when you had brought him so much lightness? Why didn’t anyone ever tell him that all that he had wanted would mean absolutely nothing when you were walking away from him with another man?
Renjun wants to stop you. ‘Don’t go with him. Stay with me. I need you.’ he wants to say. ‘You only fight with the people you truly love,’ you had told him. So why didn’t you remember your own words?
But walking away you were. And that was the truth of it. Renjun didn’t deserve happiness in any way, shape or form. Who was he to stop you after all he had done to you? This is what he deserved. To be beaten down till he didn’t feel like a thinking, feeling person. Just a breathing, walking body.
So his body carries him home. Although Renjun had never known what home really meant.
As it would turn out, home meant the apartment, where he lived with his friends.
Or what had been his friends before he had done everything in his power to push them away. He doesn’t know how his body remembers his code or how it automatically rids itself of his shoes and jacket. How his feet carry him to his room of their own accord.
He pauses only when he sees Jisung sitting there at his desk, playing video games. He looks up startled as he sees Renjun at the door.
“Renjun…” the boy says, game forgotten. His eyes follow him as he makes his way from the foot of the door to his bed. He waits, eyes wide, hesitating.
“Where have you been?” Jisung asks, turning in his chair, eyes taking in Renjun’s demeanor.
Renjun is silent for a moment. He doesn’t know what to say. He sits on the edge of his bed and he feels that trickle once again that starts from his head and crawls down to his shoulders. Except this time, it weighs him down. Like a stronghold was actually pressing him down till he felt he was sinking, sinking, sinking. He feels his lips moving.
“My grandma has Covid.” he finds himself saying.
Had he looked up, he would’ve seen how Jisung’s face had gone from being cautiously surprised to openly panicked. How the boy was struggling to find something to say. “Is she okay? Where is she?”
“In the isolation ward.” Renjun says and he is surprised by how normal his voice sounds.
“Wait… hold on, Renjun, please… stay right here...” Jisung begins as he scrambles out of his seat and out the door. The poor boy never knew what to do in these situations. Renjun feels bad. The boy was way too young and innocent to have Renjun around him right now. Because Renjun’s shoulders were carrying the weight of the world. His heart was carrying nothing but emptiness. His presence was burdening, and that’s exactly what he didn’t want to give his young roommate: his burden.
He hears more people walk in. Jisung had apparently gone out to call for backup. Because no way was the boy equipped to deal with what was unfolding in front of him on his own. And now Jeno and Jaemin are walking in behind him, concern on their faces as they approach Renjun.
“What’s going on?” Jeno asks softly as he sits next to Renjun, turning his attention to him fully. Jaemin and Jisung stand by the bunk bed, waiting for Renjun to speak.
“My grandma has Covid. She is in the isolation ward. It’s bad.” Renjun repeats. A pause hangs in the air before anyone speaks.
“Fuck, Renjun… I am so sorry.” Jeno finally says. He exchanges a look with Jaemin and the boy grabs the wheelie chair and brings it closer while Jisung sits on the floor. They all huddle around Renjun, waiting, listening, protecting.
“How long has it been, Renjun?” Jaemin asks kindly.
“Um. I don’t know how long she had it before she was brought to the hospital. No one’s really told me much.” Renjun replies, looking at nothing, looking at no one. He can see Jisung sitting by his feet, looking up at him. He can feel Jeno and Jaemin close on either side of him. But he dares not meet any of their eyes.
“Is that why you haven’t been home much this past week?” Jeno asks.
“No, I, uh. I only found out yesterday afternoon.” Renjun answers and he’s surprised that he replied in actual time units. “Before that, uh. My… my parents are getting divorced. So, I had been going down to see them. It’s why I wasn’t at the party.”
There is a profound silence in the room as his friends absorb the information. Jaemin is the first one to break it.
“Why didn’t you tell us, Renjun?” he asks softly, kindly.
“I, uh…” Renjun thinks for a moment. Was it only last week that the taxing calls from his mother had resulted in him blocking out all the people from his life? Was it only a couple of days ago that his biggest worry had been his parent’s failing marriage? Was it only two nights ago that he had avenged his bad luck by lashing out on all his friends? “... I don’t know. I didn’t want to bother you guys, I guess. You all had exams.”
“We would’ve wanted to be there for you even if we had exams, Renjun.” Jaemin says, leaning his head down to face Renjun so he would look into his eyes.
Renjun peeks up for a moment but wishes he didn’t. Because now there is a lump in his throat. Jaemin was looking at him so kindly even though Renjun had done nothing to deserve his kindness. He swallows so his voice would be steady before he speaks.
“Still. I, uh. I didn’t want you guys to worry.” he says.
“It’s okay for us to worry about our friend, Renjun.” Jeno says and this time, Renjun can’t possibly hold back the tears that sting his eyes.
“Renjun… have you eaten?” Jaemin asks, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Um…” Renjun’s voice comes out husky. So he clears his throat. “No, I haven’t.” And suddenly he feels how hungry he really was.
He feels a scramble at his feet. “I…” Jisung speaks awkwardly but purposefully. “... I’ll get some food.” and Renjun realizes that if Jisung is the one putting himself in charge of food, then his friends must really be pushing themselves to take care of him. The boy gets up and leaves the room and Jeno speaks again.
“When did you find out about your parents?”
“Um… maybe last week? I don’t know. My mother had been calling me a lot during exam week. I went to see them the day of the party.” Renjun is finding that the more he talks, the more he feels the heaviness in his shoulders ease.
“You should’ve told us. We would’ve come with you.” Jeno says and Renjun sees that he’s wearing a crease between his brows.
“You guys had the party.” Renjun says and somehow saying it out loud makes him realize how dumb this reasoning was.
“You are more important to us than any party, Renjun.” Jaemin says and Renjun doesn’t know whether to cry or to smile. It wasn’t often that his friends spoke this way. But it was oddly comforting that they were speaking this way now. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted to hear the words they were speaking to him.
“Yeah… I… I guess I didn’t know that.” Renjun purses his lips because he’s sure that any breath he lets out would choke him. So inhales deeply through his nose.
“Your grandma… do you know how she is doing?” Jeno asks.
“I don’t really know. My mother’s been with her. I could only wait in the lobby. I just know she’s on life support. And that can never be good.” Renjun bites his lip.
“People have survived Covid even after they’ve been on life support, Renjun.” Jaemin says.
“Yeah, but. She’s so old and frail…” Renjun’s voice cuts off and he’s not sure he can go on any longer. He balls his hands into fists as he fights his tears.
Jaemin takes his hand, gently prying it open before he holds it. “She’s stronger than you know, Renjun. She brought you up all on her own. She’s been living all on her own. She’s been supporting you all this time. Older people have been cured in hospitals. She will be, too.” Jaemin says with so much certainty that it fills Renjun’s heart with hope. He nods. It was so strange having another perspective presented to him. One that told him that being in hospital didn’t mean death and misery. That it could mean cure and recovery and health as well.
“Are you allowed to see her in some way?” Jeno asks.
“No. But they needed a family member on the outside to get like… medicine and stuff. My father has been there but given the situation with my mother… I don’t know how much longer he’d want to be around.”
“We’ll take turns.” Jeno says looking at Jaemin and he nods. “You can rest tonight as long as you’d like. We’ll all go one by one.”
“I’ll take the first shift. I’ll go in the morning and Jeno can take over in the afternoon.” Jaemin nods.
“I’ll call my mother and ask her what things we might need during this time.” Jeno plans some more.
“I’ll make a list of all the duties we will need to be on top of. Medicine, food, any change of clothes Renjun’s mother might need.” Jaemin adds with purpose.
Renjun feels the tears again. He hadn’t even asked for this but his friends were already making up a rota to help him during the worst time of his life.
“I’m really sorry.” Renjun says, only now he is saying it mindfully.
Jeno smiles gently and puts an arm around Renjun and brings himself at his eye level. “What do you have to be sorry for, huh?”
“I don’t know… just for everything…” he tries to explain but finds his throat getting thick again.
“We’ve been really worried about you, Renjun. We just wanted to give you some time.” Jaemin says in a soft, nurturing tone.
“Everybody, man. Chenle told us that you must be going through some real shit and Mark gave us an earful for not probing you for information. But Jaemin said you would probably like some space.” Jeno tells him and Renjun is surprised to find out that his friends had picked up on his aloofness. At the same time, and as if in a sudden moment of clarity, he is not surprised at all. Of course they picked up on it. These people were his friends.
“That was a stupid idea, though. I don’t think we should’ve left you alone. Let’s always probe him in the future.” Jaemin reflects, shaking his head.
“Yeah, let’s always probe him.” Jeno repeats and Renjun finds himself sniggering through the tears.
Jeno rubs the back of Renjun’s neck. “We’ve got you, man,” and finally, and miraculously, he believes it.
Jisung walks in right then, holding onto what looks like laundry. “I… I put this in the drier. It is nice and warm. You… you should shower and change because you’ve been in the hospital.” Jisung says awkwardly. Renjun looks up and can’t help but smile because he can’t believe the boy that was most like a younger brother to him was taking care of him. “And uh, you both as well. Shower and change and uh… I’ll change and sanitize these sheets.”
Jeno looks up and smiles at him as well. It’s such a weird feeling, this odd sort of pride when you realize that your youngest is growing up and taking care of you. This is an extraordinary, bizarre moment in every possible way. But Renjun accepts this moment with open arms over all the moments he had been given these past couple of weeks.
“Um… I think you have to put your contaminated clothes in like, a plastic bag. I’ll Google how to disinfect them. But you should all shower before the food gets here.” he says again, awkwardly moving from the foot of the bed to his desk.
“Okay, Jisung.” Renjun says, smiling a tired but genuine smile.
“Yes, big brother.” Jaemin chuckles.
“Okay… let’s shower and disinfect.” Jeno says, patting Renjun on the back before getting up.
The four boys reconvene in the living room later, fresh and clean and comfortable, sitting round the coffee table on the floor, looking up in surprise as Jisung brings in boxes of pizza and sets them up.
“Is Jisung really setting up the food he bought?” Jeno asks in mock wonder. But set them up he does and he even goes so far as to place a piece in front of all his friends and pour out coke for them in little paper cups. And when Renjun doesn’t pick up his slice right away, Jaemin leans in and feeds him his own. And eating makes Renjun feel so much more hopeful. The four friends eat and talk as if the fight hadn’t even happened in this very place just a couple of days ago. Like all was well and the only thing that mattered was that they needed to be there for Renjun when he was hurting.
And in that moment, Renjun realizes that his body was kinder to him than his mind had been. Because his mind had been telling him to hide away, to block everyone out. To suffer in silence and believe that nobody cared for him. To never open up because nothing good could ever come out of it. His mind had told him that his friends didn’t worry about him. That nobody in this world cared about him.
But his body had kept him alive. His body had numbed his mind and led him to all the people he loved. His body knew that Renjun had friends who truly cared for him. Who would sit and listen to him without judgement. Who would hold no grudges and be there for him when he needed them. Who would huddle around him to protect him, hold his hand when it needed to be held, feed him when he was hungry and tuck him in so he could finally get some sleep.
His mind had worried and worried till it could worry no more because it was so damn tired. But his body had been so kind. His body reminded him that he mattered. That he was loved. That he was not alone. Because he always had his friends. And him and his friends had always been a dream team.
Copyright © 2021 NeoCultureTravesty. All rights reserved.
#renjun fic#renjun fluff#renjun angst#kpopscape#ficscafe#neowritingsnet#dreamwritersnet#huang renjun#renjun#nct fic#nct angst#nct fluff#nct dream#nct dream fic#nct college au#renjun x reader#we met in online class
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