#BURY ME IN A CASKET RN | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

routeless-writer · 7 months

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Adored your lilia smut

can I request body worship and breeding link with lilia??

ANON YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE RN. Thank you hun! I’m so glad you and so many people liked it, I honestly didn’t expect it to blow up like it did! Happy to write for my favorite old man.

MC pronouns: GN/NB (no pronouns used, implied they/them)

CW: NSFW, breeding kink/breeding talk, pregnancy talk, excessive praise/body worship, Lilia being a brat dom, Lilia also being filthy, mod mezzo ALSO being filthy, oral sex mentions (reader receiving), marking, blood/biting/vampirism mention (it’s Lilia, so), light light LIGHT possessiveness, the slightest degradation (I use slut like once), i say he’s a tits man and then clarify that the tits are gender neutral and just mean your chest.

Listening to: Casket – Ren Zotto

Now Lilia is a dom that’s heavy on praise

He will absolutely degrade you if you ask for it, but his favorite thing is watching you squirm from even the smallest of compliments. He wants his baby bat to know how much he loves them!! Especially when you have just the cutest reactions to it.

Think Gomez Addams if Gomez was a switch leaning dom (because Mr. Addams is like, canonically a sub lol)

He follows you around a lot, even more so when he’s horny or finds himself having…baby fever, shall we say?

He can’t help it! He’s been wanting to raise another kid and all, and the thought of getting to spend a domestic life with you…the thought of you carrying his child…even if you physically can’t, he still finds himself hot and bothered at the idea. Plus, adoption is always something you two could discuss if you were serious about the actual breeding portion of the breeding kink, but wouldn’t be able to have kids/didn’t want to go through pregnancy.

Unless you’re shorter than him, he’ll likely be the perfect height for him to rest on your chest, and even if you are shorter than him, I can see him being quite attached to your upper body, regardless of whether there is boobage there or not and regardless of level of boobage.

What can I say, he’s a tits man (read tits as gender neutral)

So it’s the first thing he goes for with praise

He’ll casually slide a hand up your shirt at any given time to feel you up, resting his head on your shoulder and humming little compliments in your ear about how soft your skin is, how warm you are, how he just wants to bite down on your cute little nipples and–oh, look at that! They’re already hard hehe

“Khehehe, are you that sensitive, darling? Don’t worry, if it works you up that much, I’ll make sure to take care of you. I love the way your body reacts to just the slightest touch…so gorgeous.”

Lils is an oral fiend, too, and it’s one of his favorite ways to worship you. He’d gladly get on his knees for his precious baby bat at the drop of a hat. Holding your hips in place as he nestles between your thighs and tastes your arousal, his eyes rolling back dramatically so he can show you just how sweet you are to him. Don’t move too much, darling. It’s his job to pleasure you!

“So good. So good for me…you taste perfect…such a sweet pet, all the blood rushing here…be careful, I might just devour you.~”

Obviously it’s hard for him to be vocal with his tongue on your clit/your cock down his mouth, so the heavy praise comes when he finally gets to fuck you.

Lilia typically either opts for doggy or mating press. He loves seeing you ass up, face buried into the pillow as he rams into you, but when his breeding kink flares up, that’s when he prefers the second option.

He likes to see your face when he fucks into you and talks about how cute your red cheeks are, how he wants to stuff you full and fill you up. And he talks. He doesn’t know how to shut his mouth unless he’s using it to get you off.

He’s also generally just very playful and giggly during sex. A brat dom, if you will, so expect plenty of teasing on his end about how needy you look with your legs hiked up like that.

“Pretty little thing, all folded over under me. Look at me, let me see your expression. Ah….mmnh, take my fingers in your mouth, just like you take my cock. Tight little bloodpet…you’re so perfect, little one. I want to see it, I want to see you all full and fucked out. That’s nice isn’t it? You’d love to be knocked up, you’d love to be pumped full of my cum. Awe, look at you. Look at you take it. Your hole is so tight around me, so pretty as you bounce on it. That’s it…that’s it, you’re doing so well. So gorgeous…”

He’ll drag your hips closer as he rocks against you, touching you to the pace of his thrusts, and pushing you down further into the bed with the kind of strength you wouldn’t expect someone so small to have.

He kisses and nips at anything he can get his lips on–your neck, your chest, your stomach and thighs. He’s a groper, too, so he’ll watch as his fingers sink into your skin, leaving bruises on your hips and legs.

“You’re going to be so full and sensitive, I’ll watch you get heavy with my child…you’re mine, you’re perfect and you’re mine.”

Usually Lilia’s far more focused on your pleasure than his, but something about the way you’re begging him to empty inside you is sending shockwaves down his spine. It feels like during sessions like this, he loses his well-composed nature altogether. Right before you’re about to cum, tightening up around his aching cock, he’ll lean in and sink his fangs into your neck, pressing a hand to your abdomen to feel how his dick drags along your walls.

That’s enough to do it for you, the aphrodisiac bite making you cum hard around him, and he doesn’t dare pull out as he cums with you, growling into your neck.

Lils is a fae, and faefolk cum a LOT. It’s hot and sticky as he spills inside of you, holding your hips as close to him as he can, fucking into you as you both finish and you shake. It’s enough to drip out without pulling out, much to Lilia’s disappointment. Guess he’ll just have to cum inside you a few more times to make up for it!

Lilia’s the type to make you cockwarm him after breeding sessions. He can’t have his efforts go to waste–you will be knocked up by the end of the night.

“Maybe I should make you keep a toy in overnight. I have to make sure it takes, sweet thing.”

You can expect a quick session right before class the morning after, too. He’s serious! He really wants to raise kids with you, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen.

You two make quite the mess of the bed, cum and blood stains are scattered across the sheets. Lilia will handle the clean up, don’t you worry! He has to make certain that his spent little human rests after such a rough session.

Now that you’ve awakened this kink in him, Lilia’s ready for regular breeding talk during sex. Hope you like being fucked into the mattress and used for hours, cause he’s hellbent on making you his breedslut now.

divider credit 𓆩♡𓆪 navigation 𓆩♡𓆪 masterlist

#request #twst #twisted wonderland #secret stash #lilia sin hours #lilia vanrouge #lilia vanrouge smut #lilia vanrouge x reader #twisted wonderland smut #twisted wonderland x reader #twst smut #twst x reader #twst x yuu #lilia vanrouge x yuu

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outofthiisworld · 8 months

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👽// I am. Hyperfixating™️ rn and thinking about Ophelia’s biological family still.

At the time of writing this, they’re out there somewhere— no clue on what happened; she left home one day, routine as usual, and then never came back— gone without a trace. After years of holding out for just a sliver of hope, they inevitably buried an empty casket full of her favorite things in remembrance.

She has a younger brother out there that still hasn’t given up on finding her, despite the family’s pleas to move on.

Then it just hits me how different Ophelia is versus the older sister he’s looking for— and not just cause of her new look (that, in fact, does not help). There’s some truth in the reason that Ophelia does not believe she's the same woman before the first resurrection— Sofía is a completely different person than Ophelia.

#👽 … ooc #💜… headcanons #//maybe for fun I’ll make an au verse where Sofia never becomes Ophelia or it takes place before the disappearance #//a fun lil treat for me 👀#//the thought of her brother also becoming a test muse on here also has been plaguing my mind these last few weeks ngl #//we'll see where the caffeine takes me today

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knight-ingale · 3 years

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Y’ALL?!?! THERE ARE 200 OF YOU GUYS NOW????? askjdghsjdfk Excuse me, I need to go cry my eyes out real quick

Thank you guys so much!! I know I’ve been really slow as of late, but I promise many things are coming! One shots are being looked over/Beta-d, incorrect quotes are being procured, and chapter outlines are being drafted!

#Bruh I'm crying and eating Dorito's rn #I'm also grieving the loss of my 'pet' mouse #His name was Remy #I named him after Remy from Ratatouille #My cat Asuna caught him and brought him to me #we put him in an old Hermit crab tank #he like Cherrio's #we buried Remy today in the back yard #I made him a little coffin/casket/box out of carboard and tape #also my older brother is being a dick

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faorism · 3 years

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@lookatallthefandoms #*leans forward with my chin in my hands* tell me more op [eliot crawls back verse. sequel to this post]

eventually, nate and sophie and quinn (yeah, lets do this, its quinn, yall got me on this train, hope you're happy) find out the extent to which parker and hardison have fallen into it with that weird fucking hitter guy that was supposed to be a scary lieutenant to the big bad but who is now nerfed into redemption arc prospect stalker aka zuko 2.0. eliot is in town but seeing how small a space the wyatt funeral home is he just chills around across the street and idk hes doing morally corrupt hr training via 2011 era zoom so he isnt monitoring the comms closely/at all.

then he gets a call. its a strange number, but he's kinda used to that around the leverage targets but a call is rare. usually only because his darling wants to really sell a grift. eliot picks it up.

hey, what's—

eliot? and oh, hardison's voice is so so small.

hey, hey what's wrong?

inside the wrist holster. hollowed out—hardison?—thickest part of leather. press the earbud once. don't yell.

and then hardison hangs up. eliot immediately calls back. hardison (because its hard to press them little buttons when the phone is vibrating in his hand) picks up.

the fuck is going on, man.

please, eliot. i need... i need fsskskk. i need her, please—sssfkkks, i need...

oh and hardison is panicking and eliot goes to soothing because that's all he can do, but he's so out of practice he doesnt pull a caretaking voice. he is a fucking scumbag that knows killing and fucking so he just pulls that voice he uses when he's got a Nice Normal Girl underneath him who needs to be cooed into the surprise of her orgasm. okay, okay sweetheart. and there, in that moment, hardison gets His Nickname. im sorry. get you our girl.

holster.

got it.

please.

okay. okay, goodbye.

and eliot kinda just... appears in the dinner bathroom in the span of a blink and he's tearing off his jacket and he's ripping at his knife holster on his forearm, not even wanting to free the knife from the release mechanism because that would take longer than his bare hands and his teeth. he releases the bud and he sticks it into his ear and he's hears a cacophony.

and there's ford who says: —have wanted you to contact us to arrange a trade. Did you get his number?

he can barely hear the reply, but he knows that terror. hardison: yeah, yeah. texting it right now.

sophie: could he be just hidden?

quinn: no. actually more suspicious that way unless they got the hearse, but they might abandon that. but i wouldnt bothering burying a guy too deep.

and oh. oh god.

a casket's got 30 minutes of air, eliot says into the void of the bathroom stall, but this time there's a response. several. angry and confused and hostile but, two voices fed relief into the mix.

blondie: stop. he's ours. eliot, what would you do?

eliot: darling, he's a loose end. no trade is worth it. whatever they're telling you is a lie. hardison hiccups his distress (i cant hear him, is he talking?). we have to find him.

and its pretty much the same after that but with nate biting out We Will Talk About This and quinn being super overprotective like These People Are Mine And You Are Dangerous and sophie oh sophie! sophie heard hardison's little sorry about the holster and the hitter's no youre not and parker repeating his words to hardison before adding ill steal you a nicer one and the hitter saying my tack guy made this special [eliot's tack guy credit to old dog & new tricks, which are canon to me] and parker repeating it and hardison's wet and desperate laugh.

and eliot leaves the beating up guys to quinn like He Leaves That To Quinn before he Needs to get to hardison. and it should be weird that this random stalker guy is the one to pull hardison up out the grave but he does and he holds him tight and tells him what he always does, dont do that again. it should be and it kinda it but god, it fits it fits it fits.

and there's definitely fallout eventually but nate (by way of sophie) actually gives hardison and blondie some space, and also eliot is there? and i think that the stalking back of eliot sped up their pretzels because they are United In The Plan To Steal Eliot so they live together (though they have separate rooms rn because they are still figuring each other out) and eliot is just. there.

and blondie has put on wraith of khan for hardison but he quickly falls asleep on eliot's shoulder with his hand in blondie's. and eliot is just sitting there like, darling... i dont know what im doing here.

and blondie laughs and skips over the bulk of his confession to be like, did you not hear my name?

and he's like, i did. but i dont steal intimacy.

and blondie is like. oh. its parker. but darling is still good.

and eliot nods and he is Utterly Over His Head.

#eliot spencer #parker leverage #alec hardison #leverage #leverage ot3 #faorism headcanons #on his hands and knees au

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rainydayhogwartsimagines · 4 years

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Hii I have a request if you are doing some rn it's for draco and its just before the war starts and him and the reader (snapes daughter) run off to a house dracos parents have but when the reader is told her father has died they have to go back for the funeral and see everyone again (eg. Harry, Ron, dracos parents ect) ❤️

Oh the angst that is about to happen

Note: Sirius is still alive in this, originally I had this idea that Draco actually saved his life in the ministry battle.

The house was silent with the exception of the faucet's drip and Draco's breathing. Right now the summer house was the only peace he had. You were off with the trio, doing God knows what, worrying the hell out of Draco before you walked in. Draco looked up, rushing to you. You seemed to be in this state of shock as Hermione, Ron and Harry all followed. "What happened?" He asked. You said nothing, your mouth slightly open, eyes wide in this state of shock. "...Snape..." Hermione swallowed. "Severus is... Dead." Harry said making Draco look at you. You still seemed unresponsive. "How long has she been like this?" Draco asked. "Since Snape said goodbye." Ron muttered, sitting on the black couch with his face in his hands. Hermione sat next to him, placing a comforting hand on his back. "Y/n... Please say something." Harry begged. You swallowed, staring at one spot on the floor. "Gone." Was the last thing anyone heard you say before your body seemingly gave out and you fell over, Draco catching you.

You spent the next few days processing what happened. No one could talk to you, not even Draco could get you to utter a word. You were an orphan and caught in a war you barely understood as a fucking child. No one should suffer this much, no one deserves that pain. When the funeral was planned Snape asked that his final resting place be in a muggle cemetery. The oddest request but a good one. This meant a very small chance of Voldemort disrupting it. You expected a very small crowd but that was not the case. Students from all houses, even a few death eaters and teachers all showed up.

Mcgonagall sat next to you, Molly Weasley on your other side. The two women spent their time raising you, helping you through all of this. You still had that numb expression on your face. You tried to recall a time with a very very happy moment with your father. There were plenty but none of them were real moments that stayed with you. You remembered him showing vulnerable emotions and expressions to you but you never recalled a true moment where your father seemed truly happy. Then it hit you. The grading papers.

You sat in a seat next to your father's desk. "Father." You muttered. "Yes Y/n?" He asked. "What was mum like?" You asked. He never gave you a full answer to that. But something about his expression told you that he was going to give you a full answer this time. "Mia was a very strong woman... You take after her." He said with a mindless nod. "What made you love her?" You asked. He pondered at that. "Her intelligence." He replied. "She was smart?" You asked. "She was more than that. She had an answer for almost everything. But not in the way you'd expect." He stated, writing on a paper. "Like Hermione?" You asked. "No. Like a philosopher." Snape corrected. You nodded. "Am I like her?" You asked. He stopped writing and looked at you with a soft smile, moving your hair and looking at the eyes that reminded him everyday how strong you truly could be. "In more ways than one." He assured. You smiled and he went back to writing. "You have your mother's eyes." He told you. A fact you already knew but it was so sincere in the moment, you nearly had tears form.

An observation that would stay with you. An observation that nearly made you cry. The last comment from your father that he told you. Even in his dying moments Severus placed a hand on your cheek, brushing away the tears and he told you "Even in war.... You still have your mother's eyes."

You bit your lip, wiping your eyes and gripping the hem of your black dress. Molly swapped seats with Draco, him sliding his hand into yours and you buried your face into his black suit jacket. He held you close to him, closing his eyes as people got up to view him. His parents were silent, Narcissa being genuinely upset that someone who kept Draco safe and away from all of this was gone. He watched Draco grow up, for God's sake, you grew up in their home. Lucius couldn't face you. Not knowing he contributed to the loss of such a man.

Harry didn't necessarily like the man. He was a disagreeable person but the one thing they always settled on was you. Harry was like your brother, keeping you safe and sound when he needed to. To see this man gone was a hard hit especially since you were in pain and Harry couldn't fix it. Not this time.

Hermione was the same as Harry. Snape tended to give her a hard time for being intelligent but she did enjoy seeing him with you. Snape, even in class showed a happier side to him, encouraging you to show your intelligence and to think outside the box. She may not have liked him completely as a person. But even she could admit he was a damn good father to you.

Ron was more conflicted. He didn't like Snape. Snape didn't like him. Like Harry, the only common ground he had with him was you. Ron tended to be a bit more hardheaded but his feelings became less bitter when Severus actually acted kind and accepting to Molly. When Molly treated you with kindness and provided a second home to you, Snape was glad for this and encouraged you to go to them when you needed to.

Draco was not like any of them. Draco grew up along side you, he knew Severus a lot better than the others. He saw the truly vulnerable moments, he was there for the arguments, the laughter, the smiles and the family he knew to be yours. Lucius allowed you to be around Draco, seeing Severus as a friend more than an enemy. Draco and you had each other's backs in the toughest of situations and Draco was glad to see that you had someone like Draco assuring you that you were stronger than most people. When Draco actually fell in love with you, Severus had no objections to you two being together. Only that you two be slightly secretive due to your open affiliation with the Order and Draco being a double agent. In the end, that same thing is what killed Severus, being a double agent. The secrets literally destroyed him.

As the casket was lowered, there was not one wizard who didn't raise their wand, using the light to signify one that they lost. You dropped a single white rose onto the casket, Draco holding with one arm and you raising your wand sadly. Eventually people began to leave, leaving you standing by his graveside. The rain began to fall, Fred holding an umbrella over you as you stared vacantly at the ground. "...He was always such a pain in class... But he always seemed happy when you were around." George muttered. You let out a shaking breath. "We're here Y/n. All of us." Arthur assured.

"... What's your favorite memory of Snape? Everyone." Harry asked. "...When he smacked Ron and you upside the heads because you wouldn't stop talking and Y/n nearly toppled over because Ron made a weird noise." Ginny answered. "When Fred accidentally stepped on his cape and he was pissed for weeks, growling at him in class." George said. "When he pulled two students out of a carriage at the Yule." Hermione said making Ron smile. "When he nearly set Draco on fire for kissing Y/n in front of him." Ron said. A small smile tugged at your lips. "When he would read to me and Y/n growing up and he did those voices." Draco said making you finally smile. "When he nearly cussed out Quirrell for releasing the troll in our first year." Harry said. Everyone looked at you and you swallowed. "When me and him sat in his office and he finally answered questions about my mother... And he told me that..." You took in a breath, staring the single white rose. "I had my mother's eyes." You said. Finally. You spoke.

Suddenly though, the trio understood what sent you into shock. Hearing those words again... It must've changed the meaning of the memory you had. Draco kissed the side of your head and you sighed. "This is hard." You muttered. "You lost your Dad Y/n... It's okay to grieve." Remus said, making you all turn around as him and Nymphadora walked over. Sirius put a hand on his shoulder, giving a nod to Draco as a greeting.

"Severus was always a tight ass in school. But God damn was he smart." Sirius said. You let out a sad laugh. "He always had a soft spot for your mother though." Remus said making you turn. "What?" You asked. "Your mother. Mia." Remus said. "You... She was a wizard?" You asked. Everyone looked at you surprised. "You... Didn't know?" Remus asked. "Dad never answered conclusively and she's buried in a muggle cemetery." You said, motioning to the other grave. "....She was Songbird." Sirius said making Fred and George gape. "She was a Marauder?!" George asked. "Yes." Remus and Sirius answered in unison. "How the hell did dad like her then? He hated you guys." You asked. "Well hate is a strong word--" "Oh no. He hated you." Draco nodded. "No one could hate Mia. Not even Filch." Remus finally answered. Sirius looked at you as you stared at Snape's grave.

Tears streamed down your face and you let out a long breath. "Are you okay?" Sirius asked. You nodded after a long silence, the rain hitting the umbrellas. "I think I'll be okay..." You began

"I have my family with me."

Taglist: @amhyeah @newtaholic-staygold @bbeauttyybbx @fleurho @yodeadxss @mariah-can-dream

#draco fuckingmalfoy #draco imagine #draco malfoy #draco x reader #draco x y/n

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becca-e-barnes · 3 years

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hi..

i just said goodbye to my Hanna, one last time.

she was paralyzed and couldn’t use the bathroom. said she got worse. died in my arms. looking into my eyes.

my dad is building her a casket so we can have a funeral and a gravesite so i could put her favorite treats on it every year on her birthday. i saved some hair and i’m gonna get a necklace made, so i’ll always have her close to my heart.

we have our own small family business, and i was planning on getting a shirt made for her bc she’s loved wearing shirts anyway, they helped with her anxiety. but i didn’t get it in time. so we are gonna get one made, frame it, and put it with a plaque in our office to honor her. bc she was the face of our business. everyone came in and loved and pet her. she never met a stranger. she would even lay on the desk. she loved looking out the window. i’m burying her with her favorite red shirt. i’m not gonna put it on her tho, bc it would be too hard on my dad to have to do it.

my parents are against tattoos, but i told mama i wanted a small one for her, and she said she’s okay with that. we’d just have to keep it a secret from my dad.

i just need comfort rn. this is my first experience with grief. and it’s on my heart to tell you that i love you and you mean a lot to me, Becca. Thank you for being so kind.

-ranting grieving anon

Sweetheart, I am so so unbelievably sorry to hear about Hanna. I’ve thought about you both so much over the past few days, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you all must be in.

If you don’t mind, I’m going to reply to both of your asks under this one because I’d hate to upset anyone else who has been in a similar situation. I’m so sorry for taking a while to reply, I really just didn’t have the words yesterday, I’m heartbroken for you all

That little necklace sounds like a lovely idea, she’ll never be too far away from you when you’re wearing it. And it’s lovely that she has her favourite little shirt too.

I’m so glad your mum is supportive of your tattoo too, it’s really sweet that she’s understanding about it despite her own opinions on tattoos.

And sweetheart, I don’t need to tell you, grief is hard. Managing it is so difficult and overcoming it is even harder but I just know Hanna would hate for you to be so upset. She’s not in any pain anymore. She’s up in puppy heaven having the best time, her little legs work just fine again and she has all the treats she could possibly want! I know you’re absolutely heartbroken and no one would expect you to feel anything different but I hope it’s some comfort at least knowing she’s happy and not in pain.

But you can’t blame yourself. It’s absolutely not on you and you don’t need to carry that guilt. It’s not helpful and it isn’t fair on you.

I really hope you’re doing your best to take care of yourself and just based off your last ask, please please don’t hurt yourself. Hanna wouldn’t want that in the slightest. Please remember that.

And honey, I say all this but I’m so conscious of the fact I’m not a professional in any shape or form. Please make sure you’re getting some extra support, ideally from someone who specialises in grief counselling. As much as I want to help, im just a concerned friend and I can’t give you the support you need at the moment.

I will listen to that song you suggested, I promise but I’m a little emotional myself rn and I don’t think I’m in the right headspace

And even just the fact she held on for five days, she must have been so strong and incredible. She wanted to spend as much time with you as she could.

And sweetheart, I’m more than happy for you to keep talking about this is you feel it helps you. I really want to support as much as I can but I’m conscious that over 4,500 people have my posts sent to their dashboards and I’d hate to upset someone else or remind them of a similar trauma. If you’re comfortable, please feel free to send asks to my personal account @you-expect-too-much I check it just as frequently.

Please please remember how much I love you and how valued you are. You’re going through an incredibly tough time but I promise you, it won’t be this hard forever. You’re so strong and Hanna would want to see you get through it 💗

#asks answered <3 #ranting anon #(just for consistency)#tw: pet loss #tw: grief #tw: pet injury #tw: self harm mention #tw: depression #I hope I’ve tagged everything please let me know if there’s anything else I can tag #my heart is absolutely broken for you #I had typed a response up and cried my heart out over it #and it didn’t save #so I had to rewrite it all again this morning and I cried all over again #I can’t even tell you how much love I want to send your way

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cobythinks · 5 years

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This song as been in my head forever, it's time to put it through queer analysis : Death of a Hero by Alec Benjamin

ooh, I really like this song. It has a very melancholy vibe to it, and I’m feeling that rn tbh. Let’s see what I can get from here.

“that night I put my youth inside a casket” a lot of Queer people, especially those who get kicked out or disowned when they’re still a teenager, have to grow up really fast. They have to take care of themselves and bury the part of them that IS still a child, in order to survive.

“I burned all the pictures in the attic” is along the same lines of cutting ties with family and loved ones that don’t respect or accept you, something too many Queer people have to do. Getting rid of things that remind you of people who’ve hurt you is important, and something I actually need to be better about in all aspects of my life lol.

“he said he was too far from saving and nothing I could say was gonna change him” a lot of people who are homophobic see themselves with ‘holier than thou’ attitudes, and with a little word swap here it can allude to that as them being too good and righteous to bend under the ‘pressures of the world’ to accept those they claim to care about. (yeah, I’m salty abt this)

“death of a hero” where the song gets its title. As children, almost everyone sees their parents as the most amazing people ever, as their heroes almost literally. When you get older, and when a lot of Queer people are rejected and even hurt by those heroes, the hero they used to be dies in our eyes and becomes the villain instead.

“I’m turning a page” only sung about once near the end of the song, is one little tidbit of hope from this song. We can keep going and keep writing our stories, even if our heroes and loved ones fail us. That’s nice to think about, especially for me right about now. ^-^

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bean-pronounced-bawn · 6 years

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This is probably going to sound weird and probably very, very stupid (and very long, I add after having fully written this), but I've been thinking about it a lot recently (this train of thought kinda comes and goes, and right now it's in a very strong "comes" phase). If nothing comes of it, I'll delete it off my blog and pretend that I was just being a stupid child, but for now imma talk about it here because I don't tell my therapist anything of value.

Since I was very little, I've been able to visualize how my life would play out to some extent. I knew in elementary school that I wouldn't be homeschooled for long, that for middle school I would be in a small school, and it happened. I knew that that small school would turn into a big one, and that happened. I knew that I would take classes that I absolutely loved in high school and ace those, and take classes because they might make me look good and flounder. I knew that someday I would live authentically to how I felt inside (before I knew what being trans meant), and I now do, as much as I can.

But I've never been able to visualize myself as an adult. I hated the question "what do you want to be when you grow up" (and I still hate it's less childish counterparts) because part of me knew that I would never reach that phase of my life. I'd spout things that interested me because Pirate sounds like a fucking awesome job, but I never really thought about it in any depth.

This probably sounds like normal kid stuff, like Peter Pan "I'll never grow up" type of shit, but even in middle school and the beginning of high school, I never saw myself as an adult. I never thought much about future careers because I never thought I'd reach that age. I never thought much about majors or colleges because I never saw myself being that "old." I never even saw myself graduating high school. The question "what do you want to do after high school" always lead to literal darkness because I could not physically see anything past starting senior year of high school. I didn't know what I wanted to do after high school because I didnt think I'd ever reach anything past that. I never thought my life would extend past maybe 18 years of age

Basically, I always thought I would be dead by then.

And, quite honestly, I still do.

I don't really know what to do with that fact now, because if my intuition has been right for my entire life, I'm probably going to get hit by a bus or something this year, and that doesn't particularly sound pleasant. I don't really want to think about it too much, because I afraid it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy and I'll kill myself over it or some shit. But also, I really cannot see anything past spring of next year. I can't tell what kind of college I'll be going to like I could what kind of middle and high schools, I can't tell what kinds of friends I'll make like I could for middle and high school, I can't even picture myself ever starting testosterone and fully transitioning, even though that has been a huge deal for me since I came out. The only thing I can see is darkness. And I've always interpreted that as death.

I probably sound batshit rn (if anyone even read this, because nobody ever reads my posts... or likes my art) but I genuinely think I'm going to die some time this year. I don't really know what to make of it or do about it (other than like plan my funeral... I want a natural burial. No embalming, no casket, no coffin. Just a shroud and the cool earth. Preferably in a forest somewhere, but I know it's super difficult to legally bury a body in the woods). I honestly don't even know why I felt compelled to share this on Tumblr, especially because I have a therapist for this kind of shit lol. But yeah.

If I suddenly vanish off of tumblr and for some ungodly reason you actually care about my blog, just know I probably died.

Seriously though, I'm addicted to this site. If I'm offline for longer than 24 hours, just assume I died or something.

#sorry for the long rant

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hockstuff · 3 years

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wait, i have a great grumpy-sunshine + fake dating, and i love this book so much. the book is called “the kiss quotient” and it’s my comfort book.

another good grumpy-sunshine book that i would like to buried with me in my casket is “it happened one summer” this book is just *chefs kiss*

have i mentioned i love you???? 😍 i am adding these to my tbr rn bc i am a grumpy-sunshine whore tyvm

i’ve heard sooo many people loving “the kiss quotient” and this has convinced me to finally get it ugh that combo is just elite and i’m defs gonna check out “it happened one summer” too 👀

#bookstuff #ask #oh mutuals my mutuals

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melshaven-blog · 7 years

Text

"Anna Baby" 2008-2017

THE LOSS

On August 4, 2017 my day began like any other. Around 11:30am, my middle son called me on his hands-free set just to visit for a few minutes. He was hauling a semi load of corn and his youngest child, 8 year old Anna, was riding with him that day.

He told me how much she loved it when he used the jake break and honked the horn, giggling and laughing with joy. It was a wonderful loving call with one of my three sons. I felt so blessed.

Sometimes there are wondrous moments you wish you could just stay in.

But an hour later I got a phone call from my husband of 37 years. He was in a hurry. He had my daughter in law with him. He had called our oldest son to come and get me (my vehicle was getting new tires). Our middle son had been in an accident. Anna was dead.

That’s when I began screaming “NO!!!!” “NO!!!!” “NO!!!!” “NO!!!!” Over and over. Again and again and again.

My husband had to go. I barely grasped him saying he had our daughter in law with him and was driving her to the accident site… and then he was gone and I just couldn’t stop wailing in denial.

I was alone and couldn’t stop screaming “NO!!!” I had to get ready for when our oldest son arrived to pick me up and I couldn’t think.

I called a close girlfriend and tried to stop screaming my denial. I finally made sense enough that she understood our Anna was gone. She grieved with me, but calmed me somewhat too.

She asked about our son, was he ok? And I didn’t have a clue. I then realized I hadn’t even asked and my world was shattered even further as I feared for our son.

As I spoke to her, I was pacing, still sobbing noooo, and trying to get ready to leave. That was when I noticed our dog, Milly, cowering in fear in the living room. I told my friend I had to go and went to comfort and reassure Milly it was ok… I hugged her as I sobbed… and she just loved me for a few minutes.

When I finished tossing my hair up and got my purse and phone, I went outside and paced and sobbed as I waited for our oldest son. My mind was reeling with grief and fear. It felt like time wasn’t moving. I kept hoping it was just some terrible dream. Denial.

Time continued to feel so slow as we drove to the accident site, even though my oldest son was driving at top speeds. I remember rocking forward and back, praying our middle son was alive and not injured irreversibly.

We tried to call my husband, but phone signals in our rural area were weak and we couldn’t get thru for a time. Finally my son got thru to his dad, but couldn’t hear well and ended up getting disconnected. He thought he heard his dad say his brother was in the ambulance and not responsive. Fear deepened inside me as tears flowed. It seemed like the longest ride.

When we got there, our oldest son said he saw his brother standing outside the ambulance. I couldn’t see him and couldn’t believe it. What I could see was the semi trailer. It was jack knifed on its side, the cab was almost unrecognizable, a torn mass of metal. And corn was everywhere.

I ran to my husband, falling into the comfort of his arms as I asked about our son. He was ok. He was in the ambulance with my daughter in law. Did I want to see him? YES.

What I didn’t realize was that our beautiful 8 year old granddaughter was in the ambulance.

As I entered the ambulance, I saw my son and felt relief as I hugged him… then I saw our 8 year old granddaughter Anna… laying on the gurney, all but her head wrapped tight in a blue blanket. As a retired RN, I recognized her head trauma… bruising and swelling… her blue color. And I broke down.

I had to exit the ambulance, but couldn’t walk. I stood outside that ambulance and just wailed in grief. My Anna Baby was gone. This was really happening. My husband trying to comfort me as I sobbed.

Eventually I calmed enough to go back inside the ambulance. I witnessed my son and daughter in law sitting quietly together at Anna’s side. Tears flowed from my daughter in law as she gently rocked back and forth. Tears flowed down my son’s face, yet he was calm. They prayed quietly.

I gently rubbed Anna’s hairline and forehead as I had done all her life. I felt how lifeless and cold her body was. My tears flowed with theirs, non-stop. My heart was shattered at her loss and at the pain I knew my son would have all his life. I didn’t know how it happened, but knew my son would have vivid memories… and I ached for him. I felt so helpless.

We waited over an hour after that for the hearse with the coroner to arrive to officially pronounce our baby girl’s death. It was a very long wait. The accident happened on a rural blacktop 45 miles from the funeral home.

Our oldest son drove back alone, but with his wife on the phone. I rode in the backseat of my husband’s truck with my daughter in law, while my husband and son sat in the front. We had to follow the hearse all the way back to the funeral home. It was a very very long, long, long journey.

There was not much conversation on the ride home, just quiet sniffles and nose blowing as tears continued to flow from my daughter in law and myself. At one point I asked my son how he was feeling.

“I am thinking how I now have to bury my daughter”, he said as he stared at the hearse in front of us.

Helpless. So helpless to take away my son’s pain. So helpless. Helpless to bring our Anna back. Wishing this to be a dream. Wishing it was me God took, not our Anna. My life was full and blessed. Hers had just begun. Helpless.

Forever life as we knew it had changed.

In an instant.

Forever changed.

I wanted so badly to turn the clock back to that moment when I was talking to my son while he and Anna were traveling down the road enjoying each other. To when Anna was alive and giggling. If I had only done something different in that moment, maybe I could have changed what happened.

No. Life changed forever in an instance.

Sadness. Such sadness.

Then began the collateral damage… Anna’s two older brothers, age 11 and 16. Nana, my daughter in laws mom, her dad and another gramma, her siblings and their families. Great grandparents. Our other sons and their children. Our extended families, aunts and uncles as well as greats, cousins on all sides… friends of each of ours. The immediate collateral damage of just those closest to us was huge. So many affected.

And in our small community, the collateral damage was like a shockwave extending everywhere. The loss of a child hits so much harder - like a nuclear explosion touching thousands, even those who didn’t know Anna or our family at all.

My husband and I accompanied our son, daughter in law, and their two sons, to the funeral home while they made the hardest decisions they ever have to make, in a time when they were at their weakest.

We took them to the local florist where they chose flowers for the casket and from various people like grandparents.

Through all of these decisions, the entire family was included. As a family, they picked out a casket and vault, songs, deciding what colors the various flowers would be, what Anna would wear, etc.

With every decision, it included the entire family. Including, and mainly, Anna. What did each of them think Anna would like? What colors were Anna’s favorite? What charity would Anna like to donate to? Do you like this casket or that one.

They had to choose a maximum of 75 photos for the funeral home for her viewing plus put together photos and memorabilia displays. So many decisions… information for the funeral pamphlet, pall bearers, etc.

So many people helped complete these tasks. Our son’s home and church were central areas as people donated huge amounts of food and offered help in any way they could.

Through all this, our son and his family stood strong in their faith as one family unit. My heart ached when it’s their pain, and swelled with pride at how they continued this strength in their darkest hours.

At the viewing, family was to be there for two hours that evening. We had already had our own private family viewing, filled with high emotions at the sight of our Anna in her casket and all the beautiful arrangements of flowers, plants, and Anna picture and memorabilia displays. The video of pictures of Anna in silly moments and happy times. I shed so many tears I became numb inside.

That evening we arrived back for the two hours of family time with visitors at the wake. Our son, his wife, and their sons began the family line just past Anna in her open casket. We had to work to get through the mass of people lining up for the viewing and to express their condolences to the family.

I watched with pride as our son and his wife consoled every person coming through the line. They consoled every adult with hugs, and bent down on one knee to hold each child while they sobbed in grief.

People were eventually lined up from the funeral home to outside for an entire city block. Anna’s death hit our community hard. What was supposed to be two hours turned into three and a half. But our son and his family stood tall and consoled every last person. Their strength in our Lord kept them strong.

I don’t know that I would have been as strong.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I held myself strong in support when needed, but I grieved. I went thru an entire roll of paper towels in the first few days, using them to wipe my tears and blow my nose.

But I knew my pain could not ever be as deep as my son’s and his family. 😥

Anna’s funeral was wonderful. This coming from me is huge because I have had other losses and other funerals, leaving me with an emotional turmoil and deep dread for funerals. But Anna’s Pastor knew Anna and her family.

The Pastor spoke of all the things Anna left behind, almost as if our Lord had guided her to leave things which would give comfort to those she left behind. Many things.

She was only eight, but her faith and love for Jesus was strong as evidenced by her Jesus Bible neatly marked with sticky notes tagging each Book in the Bible and highlighting scriptures throughout. She left binders with pages of scriptures she had written and placed neatly into protective sheets. She left notes galore proclaiming her love for Jesus in various ways, many with pictures of hearts and crosses.

She also left amazing notes to her loved ones. Many notes. So many notes. They varied in topics from thank you notes to her mom for doing the dishes and helping her make her bed, to loving notes such as the three I received… one simply saying she loves me, gramma, with hearts on the page and Jesus decoratively covering the back (will be my Bible bookmarker)… one was to both myself and my husband, grampa. She wrote how awesome we both are and that she loved us both… and a third one to our young dog, Milly. She said Milly is a good girl and that she loves Milly very much.

Now who would ever think a child of eight would ever leave so many notes to so many people? Or that she would leave such clear reminders of her faith and love for Jesus?

The song chosen to play at her funeral was also not the “normal” song. But it was Anna’s favorite song, God’s Not Dead. Uplifting. Amazing.

Back up now to the day it happened. My son and his sons made a huge wooden cross that afternoon to place at the accident site where Anna went to Jesus.

Many of us joined him that first night but we all left from different places at different times. Even so, ALL of us saw it, the astounding and beautiful sunset of many colors brightly shining upward to a highlight the huge white cross in the sky. It seemed to emanate from where we were driving to, the place she went home to Jesus. I tried to get pictures but we were running late and the pictures didn’t turn out because we were driving and I wasn’t at the right angle.

All of us gathered at the site at dusk. Our son and his sons had already gotten the cross set in. One of our oldest son’s daughter, another grandchild of ours, stood and sobbed uncontrollably. All I could do was hold her as she wept for a very long time. Collateral damage.

Someone attending that night created a multi- image of that dusky gathering. It has all of us around Anna’s cross (in black and white) on the bottom half with a colored image on the top of that gorgeous sunset with that huge cross in the sky.

Although the cross in the sky was manmade by airplanes, we all took it as a sign from Anna. She was only eight years old, but her faith was stronger than most adults. The airplane streams creating the white cross both ended abruptly, creating the cross. Normally these airplane trails are continuous across the sky without an ending point.

Only our Anna would have a light bright enough to shine from heaven.

Anna also left many videos. There is one where she starts outside, being silly and hamming it up as she goes around first telling us what she is showing us and then zooming in on the item.

She is incredibly goofy as she takes Us from one thing to the next, outside, to the porch, the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, and then to the bathroom. Here, she says she has to pee, places the phone face down while she tinkles. Yes, you actually hear her tinkle and you can’t help but laugh! When done, she proclaims she peed and pooped and then proceeds on, this is the doorknob and then zooming in on it… and on she goes.

Sigh 😔.

It has been three weeks since Anna left us. I am done with this Anna blog for the moment, but am sure I will add more Anna thoughts.

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