#BECAUSE I AM ALL YOU THINK ABOUT AND EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK I KNOW
Note
Hellooo~ may I know if you will make a part 2 for your story 'Their First Love'?
Their First Love Pt. 2 [Natasha]
Summary : The talk Natasha has been looking for, to apologize and to finally talk to you
Pairing : Natasha Romanoff x Fem ! Reader
Warningv: Crying
Word Count : 2,876
{THEIR FIRST LOVE PT. 1}
No one has permission to repost my work anywhere, if you see it please let me know
It's been weeks since you two broke up—well, not actually since you two aren't a couple—let's just say “since she busted you,” and it still bothers you.
Did you accept her decision? Yes, and you respect it, but did you move on or stop wondering about things? No, definitely not. The thoughts and questions keep you awake every night and mostly distract you from your work.
You kept asking yourself why she chose him. Am I not enough? Or am I doing too much that drives her away? Is there something wrong with me? Or maybe I did something wrong?
The questions keep coming, but there's only one that's imprinted in your head, and it never leaves your mind since you realize it. It's her hair.
You once asked her, "Why do you keep your hair red? You're a spy; you should be undercover, not seen.” At that time, all she said to me was, “Because I wanted my loved ones to always locate me and remember me in the event that they did forget me or split up with me, as winter always follows autumn.
That's when you realize that you're not hers; Bucky is and will always be the winter that always follows Autumn, and you feel such a fool believing that you could replace or at least be enough to be at Bucky's level in her heart.
But at least you try and come close, or at least you thought, but the thing is, what matters is what makes her happy, and she is happy with him; that is what matters to you, right?
“Hey, hey, earth, to Y/N, are you there? ”You snap out of your thoughts when Jess taps your right check, so you look at her with a confused look.
“What? ....sorry what were you saying? ”You asked, gathering yourself and coughing to cover your embarrassment in front of Jess.
“I said, get back to her.” You frown at her, and she giggles, laying her upper body on the couch back while you're in your swivel chair and big table in your office.
“I don't get it,” you mumble, enough for her to hear, and she shakes her head and rolls her eyes with an amusing smile, then puts her iced coffee down.
“Oh my god, Y/N, you're so easy to read, or at least on my side... You're thinking, and I know it involves ‘Natasha’ so just pick up your phone, dial her number and call her, or text her,” Jess said, throwing you your phone. She's been playing some games. You thankfully catch it because if you didn't, hell, you're going to kill Jess if that happens.
“No, she chose him, Jess, not me, so I’m not going to call or text her like a puppy hot on her tail.” You put your phone in your pocket, standing up, seeing it's already 10 and the wedding will start in an hour, and you can't be late.
“Now shut up, and we need to go because we will be late,” she scoffs, rolling her eyes at you, but reciprocates and follows down the garage, getting in your own car, and so does she, and starts the 40-minute drive to the venue.
On the other side, Natasha has been sulking in her bed for weeks now; she has no energy to do anything, and the only thing that keeps her away from bed is going to the bathroom, bar, or club. Other than that, she's locked up in her room; even Bucky can't even enter.
Since Natasha saw you that day, she can't help but stalk you. When you go to a cafe with her, when you go shopping with her, when you stroll with her, everywhere you go, she's there, getting jealous and feeling regret seeing you with her, and she wishes it was her who's by your side at those moments and not her until she saw you with her at the jewelry shop and decided to approach you or just eavesdrop.
But once she came close, she stopped dead in her tracks. Hearing those words coming out of your mouth, “This is perfect for a wedding band," she quickly turned around and left the mall. You're buying a wedding band with her; were you getting married with her that fast? She questions herself when she locks herself in her room, crying.
And Bucky heard her crying, and since then, he's been worrying about Nat. As much as he wants to help her and be by her side, he knows forcing her to do something or just go against her will be no better for the both of them, so he constantly knocks on her door, asking if she's okay, even asking F.R.I.D.A.Y. about her, leaving food and a note in front of her door.
But today, he had enough, and he knows the only person who can help Natasha, so he's on his way to have a little talk with you.
And when he gets the information that you're on your way to the wedding, he quickly flies off, overspeeding, and goes to a different route to catch up with you, and when he does, he quickly drifts to block your car with his
But you almost hit him if you didn't hit the break quickly. You scoff and get out of the car when you see Bucky getting out of his car.
“Long time, no see, Mr. Barnes,” you sass at him, folding your arm in front of you and letting him approach you.
“You need to come with me,” he's in his stoic expression, and he proceeds to grab your arm, but you back away and swat his hand, and that's when Jess got to you, worried in her eyes.
“Oh my god, hey, watch where you're going; you can't just stop people like that,” Jess shouts at him, but you stop her with your hand when she's going to attack him.
“Get in your car and go to the venue; I’ll be there in a few.” She wanted to argue, but you glared at her, so she nodded.
“Be careful.” With that, she drives off, leaving you and Bucky alone on the side of the road, and thankfully, there's not much of a car passing by.
“What do you need, Barnes? ”You stand tall, seeing him searching for the right word.
“I—you need to come with me; I wanted to show you something,” he said calmly, but you raised your one eyebrow at him.
“And why would I need to come with you? I barely know you; I don't know your intention; you could kill me or something if I come with you.” Bucky sighs, closing his eyes, then looks back at you, and you see the desperation in his eyes.
“If you're that desperate for me to come with you, why not tell me the reason? Cause I have somewhere to be.” Bucky is annoyed, yes, but he stays calm for Natasha's sake.
“It's Nat; she needs you. I know it sounds crazy, but you're the one she wants, the one she loved and still loves. She needs you, Y/N.” You stay motionless and emotionless; you just scoff at him and roll your eyes at him.
“That's funny, Barnes; she doesn't need me; she has you; you're the one she loves, not me; she chose you. Remember? ”You unfold your arms and take a step towards him, and you give him a sarcastic smile.
“You won Barnes; she's all yours, so whatever shit what's happening to the both of you, I don't care, so don't drag me into your shits,” you said, and you turned around to your car so you could arrive at the wedding just in time, but before you could reach your car handle, he took your arm and turned you around.
“She really needs you, ok... Yes, maybe I’m the one she chose before, but that doesn't mean I still have her heart.” Bucky sighs, not wanting to be the one saying this to you, but he guesses he doesn't have any choice.
“Natasha suffers enough; she gets confused when it comes to these feelings, making her go back and choose the things she’s familiar with, meaning getting back to me. She longs for the short times she has before, where our love gets ripped away by the organization we're in, making her choose the wrong decision.” It hurts him to admit that the love of his life doesn't love her anymore, but he knows that seeing her happy in your arms is better than seeing her forcing herself to be happy with him.
“She loves you so much, Y/N. She may have confused her emotions, but her love for you is already carved in her heart.” Then suddenly his phone vibrated, and seeing that it's an emergency mission, he smiled at you and reached for his back pocket.
“She’s you're Y/N; she always had been.” Then he took your hand and put the key in it.
"It's her key…..she really needs you.” He gives you a small, sad smile, then turns around and gets in his car, then drives off.
“You just roll your eyes and get in your car, hooking the key he gave you in the rearview mirror, and drive off.
Natasha sighs and sits up on the bed, realizing that sulking, being lazy, and sleeping with strangers will get her nowhere, so she stands up and takes a shower, leaving the man still sleeping on her bed. He was supposed to leave hours ago, but Natasha doesn't know what happened to her when she let him sleep here on her bed. All she knows is that his hold feels like your arms, or maybe she just thought about it.
Showers were taken longer than they usually are, but she did have a decent shower and change into fresh, comfy clothes, a loose shirt, and sweatpants, putting on a little makeup so her face wasn't as pale as it looked, and that's when she heard a knock on her door, so she groans and goes out of the bathroom, seeing the man in her bed is already awake.
“Go get dressed and get outta here,” she said, emotionless, and another knock again.
“I’m ok, Bucky, you don't have.” She stopped when the person knocked, got in, and looked around until her eyes landed on Natasha and the man who's getting dressed.
And Natasha is shocked to see the one person she least expects to knock on her door and come in, but when she pinches her arm and it hurts, she knows it's real. It's you, standing in your white, above-the-knee-fitted formal dress.
Her heart fluttered, and the butterflies were dancing around her stomach. Her joy was on top of the mountain. She saw you again, and you're the one who came to her.
"Guess, I came here for nothing. Sorry for interrupting. Have a good day.” With that, you quickly shut the door shut, scoffing at yourself, thinking you shouldn't have listened to Bucky.
On the other hand, Natasha was confused, but when she realized what was happening, she quickly looked at the man who's putting his pants on and looked at herself in the mirror, a hickey on her neck and wet hair.
“Shit shit shit,” she cursed and quickly ran behind you to explain.
"Y/N, wait, please, let me explain.” She then took your arm, stopping you and turning you around.
“Explain to me that you're doing fine and fucking other people because you and Bucky didn't work out? Don't worry, I get it. I shouldn't have listened to your ex. Now I have wasted my time. I should probably go so you two can continue and I can catch up to the wedding. Have a good day, okay? ”Natasha was confused, and she didn't catch up with what you said, and whatever was on her mind was only Bucky, listen, continue, and Wedding, ‘Were you marrying her today? ’
“Wait what? No, no, no, wait, hold on,” she said, then again stopped you and blocked your way to the elevator.
"First, what Bucky told you; second, that man meant nothing, I swear; and third, the wedding? At what wedding were you getting married? Now? With her? ”You roll your eyes at her, then the man gets out of her room and walks past you two, and he kisses her on the head, making Natasha cringe and try to pat off the kiss he gave her.
“Last night was amazing; maybe we could go out sometimes.” This makes Natasha feel disgusted, and of course you heard it, so you roll your eyes and go around Natasha.
“Get a room, for god sake,” you say, then stand tall, waiting for the elevator after you press down.
“You're just jealous,” he spat back, and Natasha slapped him hard.
“Trust me, I’m not, and please make sure your dick is properly placed in those pants, and please wear underwear for god sake.” Then Natasha pushed him to the stairs, just to get him out of here.
“Leave now or else,” she said with gritted teeth, motioning her thumb from her left neck to her right, and he gulped, knowing she's capable of killing him without hesitation, and that's when the elevator door opened with a ding.
"Well, nice seeing you.” You enter the elevator, and Natasha quickly stops the elevator door and gets in. She was supposed to drag you out so you two could properly talk, but the door closed before she could walk out with you.
“Ok, ok,” Natasha sighs, and she turns around to look at you, where she finds you looking down on your phone, texting someone.
"Hey,” she tried to get your attention, but you didn't budge, so she took your phone and turned it off.
“What! ”You sigh with annoyance, looking up at her.
“Can you listen to me, please? ”Natasha begs, and you pinch the bridge of your nose and press the open door button, but Natasha unpresses it and stops the elevator, putting it into emergency
“You listen whether you like it or not.” You then press your back against the wall. Not much of a choice, you just stayed silent, your hand inside your pocket.
“Thank you,” Natasha then sighs, getting nervous, and this is not what she imagines getting nervous for the first time.
“Ok, first, I’ll tell the truth. Yes, we had sex last night, and yes, he slept the night in my room, and yes, I’ve slept with a couple strangers the past few days or weeks, but I swear it means nothing.” You then cross your arm in front and look at her in the eyes; that made her feel so small.
“It's a one-night stand, nothing else, and for Bucky, well, he broke up with me. Why? Well, he said that my heart doesn't belong to him anymore; it belongs to someone; that someone's you, and he's right.” Natasha wants to take your hand, but it's hidden, so she rests her right hand on your arm.
“When he left, that's when I realized that I want you, that I love you, that when I’m looking for the future, you're there, you're always on my plan, on my dreams in every single one of them, and I also realized that I was being unfair to you when I just dropped you out and to Bucky when I’m still clinging to my past, where I’m too familiar and afraid to enter something new again, something I’m not familiar with, something I’m not good at, and I’m sorry for that.” tears running down her cheeks while she bites her bottom lips to suppress her subs, then she kneels before you, clinging to your right leg.
“Please forgive me. I-I’m so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.” Natasha can't help but sob and cry on your thigh.
“Please believe me, I tried to contact you, or... or co-come see you... I tried.” Natasha keeps repeating the same word over and over again.
“Get up,” but Natasha didn't; her knees were weak.
"Romanoff, get the fuck up; you're making yourself look foolish.” You nudge her gently, but she shakes her head.
“Forgive me, please forgive me, please come back.” You sigh and palm your forehead, careful not to ruin your makeup.
“I don't know, Ok, I am moving forward, so, I don't know it, Romanoff, so get up and fix yourself; I need to go and catch up on a wedding.” Then you simply get away from her and pull off the emergency button and help Natasha on her feet, then wipe her tear with your handkerchief, making Natasha lean on your touch.
“I’ll contact you,” you whisper, and then the door opens, so you exit the elevator, go out to take your car, and drive to the venue.
As much as you want to be hard and cold to Natasha, there's always part of you that makes you weaker around her; she always makes your guard down and makes you vulnerable; you feel safe around her, the feeling you've been craving since you were little, and it took every willpower you have to be tough and cold-hearted towards her.
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Friends, lovers… and an orange | Chapter 4
Previous chapter | Next chapter (coming out on Tuesday)
Masterlist
"It was so weird, mum... Like, the moment I mentioned his agency, he went all serious and then avoided my question. And before that, he didn't smile like he usually does."
"Since when do you pay attention to the way Mason smiles?" Elizabeth chuckled.
"That's a really good question" Adele thought. "Anyway, do you think... Could an agency do that? Call the paps on one of their clients as some kind of revenge?"
After the chaos at the airport, she and Mason had talked about who could have tipped off the photographers. The only people who knew they were flying that day were their brothers, Jourdan and his agency, and the first three would never say anything. The others...
"That's too twisted" Elizabeth said. "But I know they've called them without letting their client know because it made the photos look more natural, like actual candids."
"Did that ever happen to you and dad?"
"Never. We were stalked, followed everywhere, harassed... But my agency always protected me."
Adele's parents hadn't had it easy. Her father was the heir of a very important family in the US and was considered one of the most eligible bachelors in the country, and when the press had found out that they were dating, they had gone crazy. Both had been followed everywhere they went, their faces being on all the magazines. The supermodel and the heir, most headlines would say. And his family didn't like it.
They considered Elizabeth not enough for their son, and had done everything in their power to make them break up. When they got engaged after years of dating, his family hadn't met her yet, and when Adele's dad took Elizabeth's last name instead of being the other way around, they even threatened him with disinheriting him. But they fought for their love despite everything and everyone, and they still were together, happier than ever.
"So you don't think Mason's agency could have done it?"
"I don't, no" Elizabeth said. "But less talking about pretty boys and annoying paparazzis, and more about this!" she said, gesturing towards their car's window.
Between Jourdan, Mason and her mum constantly sending her photos of their old trips together, Adele had finally said yes to going to Paris. She would be joining her backstage at the couple of shows she was walking, attending one as a guest with her, and a couple of parties too. Would she end up regretting it? Probably.
━━━━━━❃━━━━━━
"I am so glad you accepted our invitation, Adele" said Maria Grazia Chiuri, Dior's creative director, when she met them for their fitting.
"Thank you for inviting me" she smiled.
"I myself have picked some looks for you that I think will be perfect."
"Oh, wow. That's so kind."
"Anything for you, girls."
━━━━━━❃━━━━━━
"Red or black?" Elizabeth asked while looking at herself in the mirror.
"Black" Adele and Maria Grazia said at the same time.
"Black it is."
"Adele, now that I have you here, I have to ask again. Are you sure you wouldn't like to join your mum for our mother's day campaign? It would be just a one time thing."
"I'm sorry, Maria Grazia. But being in front of the camera isn't my thing."
"Then what about behind the camera?"
"What?" Adele said.
"Oh, that's an amazing idea! You could take my photos!" Elizabeth said while getting changed.
"Mum, I'm not a professional photographer. There are better people for that than me."
"It wouldn't be as special, tho. And a daughter taking photos of her mother would also work for our campaign" Maria Grazia said.
"I don't think it is a good idea. What would the photographer you hired say?"
"If I explain it to him, he'll understand. Why don't I ask someone from my team to send you the mood board for the campaign so you can get an idea of what we want?"
"And Addie could send your photographer some of her photos so you know what she can do" Elizabeth added.
"Perfect!" Maria Grazia said, not allowing Adele to protest.
━━━━━━❃━━━━━━
"I think someone fancies you."
"What?" Adele said. She and Elizabeth had been in Paris for a few days already, everything going pretty well keeping in mind what had been going on back home and in New York. Paparazzis bothered them the usual during fashion week, and all the headlines were about her and her mum, their outfits, and how much they were loving that they were finally doing fashion stuff together.
That night, they were attending a Vogue party where they were joined by people she only saw on Instagram. Models, musicians, actors... Even a couple of football players too.
"That cute guy over there" Elizabeth said, nodding towards her left. "He can't stop looking at you."
"Who... What..." she said, slowly turning around to look at him. When they eyes met, he smiled at her, and Adele heard herself giggling. He had a dimple on his left cheek, just like Mason did. Mason...
"Go talk to him."
"What?"
"C'mon" her mum said, pushing her towards him.
"But I don't know who he is.”
"An actor from one of those superhero movies. Now go."
"But..."
"Hello there" the cute guy said, his dimple showing in all its glory once again.
"Hi."
"You are Adele Turlington, right?"
"Yep. And you are... Sorry, I'm really bad with names" she smiled, hoping her lie would work.
"Nico Evans."
"Nico, yes, of course! I was thinking about your character's name and I didn't want to say something stupid."
"Nah, it's ok. I'm used to it" he smiled again. God, he was cute. "Would you like to grab a drink?"
"I would love that."
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"What time is it?" Adele yawned.
"Too early. Go back to sleep" Nico whispered.
"Then why are you leaving?"
"Because I am attending a show in an hour, and I haven't showered or got changed" he chuckled.
"Oh..."
"Would you like to meet again?" Nico said after finishing tying up his shoes. "Maybe for lunch? I'm leaving tonight."
"I... I can't. My mum and I are meeting some friends of hers that we haven't seen in ages and..."
"Oh, it's ok. Don't worry" Nico smiled, that dimple he shared with Mason showing up again. Why was she thinking about him again? "Maybe another time."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Thank you for last night, Adele. That was... That was amazing. Definitely a highlight of my fashion week" he smirked.
"You're welcome" she giggled, feeling her cheeks get warm.
"Good bye, Miss Turlington. See you soon" he said, giving her a peck.
"Good bye, Mr. Evans" she replied.
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zero context WIP game! thanks for the tags @killerandhealerqueen and @fourth-quartet 🥰🥰
i'm playing fast and easy with the rules of this one (which you can find here). instead, you'll find numbered snippets from a bunch of WIPs i am 75-90 per cent done but ambivalent about which to update first. gahan readers, what interests you most?
--
1. even gods can't change the past
gaon stares listlessly at the stickers lining the base of the night lamp. despite repeated disinfectings, they haven't come off, dinosaurs, trucks, sparkly muffins. things he had put there to make their hospital stay livelier.
'i guess we're even now,' soohyun says, quiet and mostly to herself.
gaon thinks for a while. 'chief jo?' he guesses. soohyun had a girlish fascination with her mentor that in turn made the normally gruff man go tongue tied.
'what -- no. jishin,' she says as if this explains anything. when gaon looks over at his wife sitting on the bed beside him, she looks guilty, sad, and relieved. the guilt is most prominent.
'what --' says gaon, having to swallow because his mouth is suddenly dry. 'are you talking about?'
----
2. unnamed modern strangers in a bar au
the stranger backs gaon up until he hits the brick wall behind them, none too gently. but the man pays no attention to this. he looks at gaon with desire both ferocious and unyielding.
'this husband of yours,' says the stranger angrily, sliding his hands into gaon's thick hair and keeping them there. 'you talk about him like he walks on water but he's only a man.'
'he's my world,' replies gaon breathlessly, eyes fixed on the man's mouth. then the stranger is kissing him.
---
3. omega spin-off of enantiomers
gaon spins in yohan's arms so they're back to chest, before sensuously dragging himself down yohan's front until he's crouched at yohan's feet. yohan's hands tighten around his when gaon looks up at him from the floor, smilingly and with heat.
'that look is why i put a baby inside you the first time around,' yohan says, stroking gaon's hands. there's a hint of warning to his tone. and desperation. he can't be held responsible for what he does if gaon keeps this up.
gaon laughs delightedly.
of course, that's when the bedroom emits a wail that filters down the hallway and into the living room.
--
4. everything everywhere all at once
soohyun's eyebrows go up in shock. 'you still love him,' she says accusingly. 'not just that -- you want to go back to him. your parents died because of kang yohan!' she yells this last part, stomping her feet in enraged helplessness.
'good people die without good reason,' gaon replies, feeling his cheeks redden.
she looks at gaon like he's grown another head. 'are you listening to yourself right now? you'll forgive kang yohan, and for what? he broke your heart. you were devastated for weeks!'
'i'm not selfless, soohyun-yah. not like you,' gaon replies, voice cracking. he searches for the words, pulling them from deep inside him. 'after appa died, i kept the restaurant open to prove that i could. helping people came after. but i can't do it anymore. i can't keep dragging on like everything is normal when seeing how fucked up everything is is destroying me.'
soohyun visibly swallows her words, letting gaon finish.
'i hurt,' gaon whispers, 'all the time. i'm so angry. it's like looking into an abyss but now it looks back at me. being with yohan makes me feel safe, like i'll survive this. like there's more to living than just pain.'
soohyun hunches over at the knees and hugs herself. 'why does it have to be kang yohan?' she says miserably.
'i don't know.' gaon approaches, choreographing his intent. he pulls her into a hug when she doesn't resist. 'it's fucked up. i'm fucked up but i miss him terribly.'
'what if he breaks your heart again?' she sniffles against gaon's chest, voice going flat with inevitability.
'he might,' gaon admits, squeezing her in final consolation. 'but i'll go my whole life regretting it if i don't try.'
--
5. elevator troubles
‘bujangnim?’ gaon asks, knocking on the heavy wooden door for appearance’s sake before striding in. but yohan’s not there.
the sound of his harsh breathing fills the office. he makes his way over to where late afternoon sunlights spills through the floor to ceiling windows and stares at the traffic twenty stories below, tiny trucks and tinier people.
he's livid. if he could, he would shatter every single window of this ministry building with the frequency of his rage.
a hand slips over his eyes, cooling their heat and blocking his vision. a body follows behind.
‘shhh,’ rumbles yohan in gaon’s ear, moulding himself around gaon, silken wool and heat and support everywhere. his other hand lands on gaon's chest, over gaon's fast beating heart.
gaon’s only reaction is a hitch in his breathing. his muscles remain tightly coiled, his hands clenched in fists at his sides.
'he told me that my parents would be proud of me for doing the right thing,' gaon says with long pauses between into the red blackness. 'when he -- when he was the one who helped doh young choon --' he breaks off with a stifled sound, enraged.
yohan's joyless chuckle rumbles through gaon's body. 'min jung ho is a viper.' his inflection doesn't change when gaon grabs his wrist. 'down to his venomous words.'
'what gives him the right,' gasps gaon, eyes turning wet with frustrated tears under yohan's palm. he presses back into yohan's body.
'none,' says yohan simply. 'just as he has no right to dispense justice.'
'i want to hurt him, so, so badly,' gaon confesses, pulling yohan's hand away.
‘we will,’ says yohan.
future promises aren't enough. gaon whirls around. 'now, yohan.' he pushes the unresisting older man backwards until yohan's thighs hit the heavy oak table. 'i want to destroy him now.'
---
6. my heart goes back to you, i just don't know
trigger warning, beware.
jung sunah pulls gaon’s face up with a fistful of silky, dark hair. gaon’s pupils are blown wide. yohan catches a peek of red tongue as gaon swallows, sweat beading along the younger man’s temple. yohan knows this expression from when he looked into the mirror all those weeks ago after jung sunah had ambushed him.
she drugged gaon.
yohan watches with a foreboding feeling as jung sunah simply stares at gaon. the hunger on her face is…not good. she cocks her head, hand traveling to gaon’s panting mouth. yohan watches her fit two perfectly manicured fingers, nails painted rouge into the seam of gaon’s mouth; feels somehow worse when gaon doesn’t resist.
‘he’s nothing! a means to an end,‘ barks yohan. he sounds affected because he is. he knows what’s happening here, what jung sunah is making him a bystander to.
she ignores this. ‘you know, i never liked giving blowjobs,’ she says conversationally. ‘they’re demeaning. the power differential is obvious. men enjoy it.’ she tilts gaon’s face up using the fingers in his mouth.
gaon pants heavily, eyelashes turning wet as he blinks slow and hard. ‘seeing kim pansanim on his knees makes me understand the appeal of it.’
‘is that why you brought him here?’ yohan asks, thinking quickly. ‘to get to me?’
‘you put your hand on his shoulder on live television,’ she replies in a faraway voice, but yohan can read her now.
--
tagging @technitango @tenderlywicked @rocknghorss @thedeviljudges @briwates @mid-n0vember @eyesof-kkomi feel free to pass ofc and if you are a writer who enjoys being tagged, lmk so i can include you in the future
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and i will always, always, be defending the "plot-holes" that are not actually plot-holes at all. i've seen people on facebook complain so many times about the ending of the game - about the siege of talmberg to be more exact.
"just attack it", "just take it down", "why doesn't divish just do it", "ohh his wife he can't even fuck! nobody gives a damn", "henry doesn't even really care for radzig at this point" etc.
and i have to go back to that one solitary thing this game literally cannot exist without: love. it's the main aspect, it's the pillars the story stands on, it's everything.
medieval movies and books like to picture the old times ala skyrim: "my son was very young when he died. but he did so while doing his duty. he fell for skyrim! he fell for the empire! i do not mourn for i am proud!"
"oh, i loved my father more than anything. but he is gone now. that is life."
it is. but. hear me out. people back then - were actually just like people now. we break down when we lose someone we adore, cherish, love, protect. no matter how stoic we may be, we don't take it lightly, do we?
so, if you think about it, is it a plot-hole, when divish refuses to attack his castle because
it's his home and he loves it
his wife is in there
his friend is also in there?
robard would not attack if it were divish in there. radzig would not attack if it were henry in there. hans would not attack if it were hanush in there. istvan would not attack if it were erik in there. captain bernard would not attack if it were hans in there.
it all comes back to love. and wanting people you care about safe.
martin running back to certain death because his wife is in the village when the cumans attack.
both parents worrying about nothing but their beloved son even while they are being brutally murdered.
everyone on talmberg willing to lock henry up just to keep him away from skalitz (for reasons yet unknown).
theresa making a last stand for someone just as lost as her.
the understanding he's met with when henry comes and admits his failure to radzig, the fact that he went against direct order. (nothing, absolutely nothing else but radzig being in debt to martin, or radzig being someone close to henry, could explain the understanding, the acceptance, and the outcome of the whole situation. how do you think henry - who is just a young man, not a hero, not a dragonborn, not a chosen one - would get away with all this?)
henry backed out of the night raid on talmberg because hans was wounded and wouldn't survive long enough for the mission to succeed.
hans (in one of the outcomes) carried him out on his back, saving his fat ass. no time for glory, no time for saving the hostages when it's suddenly your best friend who is on the ground and bleeding out. he might have succeeded with the mission. yet he didn't hesitate when suddenly it was him who was put in the shoes of those who just wanted to keep their loved ones safe. it was stephanie for divish (he approved the raid). it was radzig for henry (he was the one who went first and most willingly). and it was henry for hans (who immediately backed out on henry's behalf). all those actions were based on love.
would you attack talmberg, knowing there was someone you loved? someone you wanted to know better, someone you wanted to learn how to love, someone who could have been much closer if he only tried? someone you only just met?
the whole story starts with love, continues with love, ends with love. it is everywhere you look and you don't even have to romance anyone to see it, to feel it. it is in the npcs' lives, it's the motivation behind so many actions. it's in henry's decisions. in your decisions.
because, don't you just love this game?
#kcd#kcd talk#kcd brainrot i welcome you back#and fuck off i need to live and sleep#kingdom come deliverance#hans capon#henry of skalitz#radzig kobyla#divish of talmberg
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“and i am doing okay in the back of my mind all i hear is your name”
#i touch ur hand for the first time i see it on your face#then another lifetime's flashing by#i know his name i think about him everyday#WHEN YOU LEFT I THOUGHT YOU HELD HER BODY CLOSER I NEVER KNEW THAT YOU WOULD TELL HER IT WAS OVER#BECAUSE I AM ALL YOU THINK ABOUT AND EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK I KNOW#IT'S BAD BUT WE COULD BE SO GOOD#currently on loop#happy crying#so good#halsey#music#Spotify
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💙🌌💀🌌💙
#my art stuff#digital art#undertale#sans#human#humanization#gajinka#finally drew a human sans I’m happy with without copying someone else’s#I wanna do mars as well soon but I’m still figuring out how to deal with the sharp features#I can’t believe I forgot to post this the other day#I should draw a papyrus soon#I am gonna be completely honest and say that I’m terrified of drawing people of colour because I don’t know many personally#and looking things up can only take you so far. especially with mixxed info everywhere#and I’m prolly the most “woke” person in my family and I have a racist dad so it’s not like anyone of them would know any better#I just drew some hair that looked nice to me and picked a skintone that looked nice and gave him hazel eyes literally just cus I think they#’re pretty (and heterochromia on top of that but that’s just a sans vibe)#I know nothing about textured hair care so I couldn’t pic a style based on ease or anything etc etc#so if anybody has any thoughts on how to improve him. I’d love to hear feedback on it#I am literally the most white cracker you can find with straight blonde hair and blue eyes and all that shit so I know NOTHING about#anything else and I want to learn more from other perspectives in general#I know I could and maybe should have just kept this post as-is without adding all my hyper-worry (which really isn’t helping anybody)#but this is very outside of my comfort zone for character design and I’m terrified of designing anything without some kind of experience#TL;DR if this sucks in some way from a cultural standpoint please let me know#and… I shouldn’t apologize for the long ramble cus it’s my own post etc etc but I still want to apologize#and thank you. people often don’t read tags especially when they go on like mine do
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It is really astounding how many times a person can see the word "unprecedented" and somehow still not lose their goddamn mind.
#like look. i know it's all unprecedented. but good god sometimes I think this has become the heaviest word in the English language.#had to call my parents earlier to be like 'UM? Y'ALL FINE?' because while i had heard there was a hurricane.#i had NOT BEEN INFORMED OF WHICH COAST IT WAS ON.#BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK WOULD I QUESTION THAT.#WHY WOULD I STOP TO CHECK WHERE THE HURRICANE IN THE US IS.#but no everywhere in the goddamn world is just under eternal fire watch AND storm warning. FOREVER. I FUCKING GUESS.#anyway if you ever wonder why i am obsessive about hobbies it's cuz at least my duolingo progress is SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL#okay I'm done I'm going to sleep now
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Something that makes reading TOA so devastating is how fucking much Apollo feels about Everything. There’s so MUCH. Like I don’t even know how to describe it to you if you haven’t read the books yourself. He has so many complicated thoughts and emotions about just about everything and he cares about everything so much and there is just SO MUCH going on in his head. And yet none of it ever reaches his mouth!!
He almost never says what he’s feeling. What little comes out of his mouth about his thoughts barely even scratches the surface of what he actually means. Like he’ll be having a long ass monologue about how incredible someone is, showing a deep understanding of them as a person and empathizing with them so hard you’d almost think it’s projection but it’s not he’s legitimately just mind melding with this random person he met like a week ago and he’s thinking the softest, kindest thoughts about them like he knows they’re fucking incredible - and what comes out of his mouth is just like, “you’re a wonderful friend :)” AND ITS LIKE. THERES SO MUCH MORE UNDER THE SURFACE. the sheer admiration and adoration he has for everyone around him……… UGHHH!!! But he never VOICES ANY OF IT!!!!!! He never tells anyone about what Zeus did to him……. He never tells anyone except the reader about his realization that Zeus is abusive…. He never even tells commodus about how much he adored him, not then and not now… he refuses to tell anyone when he’s in pain or tries to justify the things he does when he actually had Decent Reasons for why he did something… I’m. I’M. AUGH. AHHHHH
HE DOESN’T EVEN TELL US ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS IS THE THING. THERES EVEN MORE THAT HE IS NOT TELLING US!!!!! THE FUCKING OCEAN OF FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS HE HAS ABOUT EVERYTHING IS THE CLIFF NOTES VERSION. I AM IN DISTRESS.
And YET…. Even what slips out of his mouth is so fucking devastating it is SO devastating. He’s so fucking kind and gentle with Harley and Meg and and other younger Demis and his kids… he’ll act like an obstinate idiot and then turn around say something that drags the core of the person he’s talking to into the light like nail on the fucking HEAD like he reached into their soul and gave them the words to express something that they were struggling to say aloud or that they didn’t even realize about themself. Around the 2nd book he starts putting voice to some of his feelings and thoughts about others and even that tiny fucking sliver is overwhelming to the people he’s talking to bc he’s SO. AUGHHHH
#this is why ‘reading the TOA books’ fics fucking slap btw. because as embarrassing as his thoughts can be#so many of them are just incoherent screaming about how he loves everyone around him. devastating#like imagine helping out ur loser deadbeat dad who you don’t really know much about bc he’s flighty and hard to read#and finding out ‘wow he cares about us a lot more than I thought’#bc he literally almost dies to save you/your siblings and keeps following you all around everywhere#but he’s still like. your weirdo absentee dad. u don’t know hardly anything new about him other than an apparent suicidal streak#and then u find out that the whole time he was whining about chicken nuggets or whatever he was internally sobbing abt how much he loves u#and every time u were nearby he was going ‘MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT BABY… JUST AS INCREDIBLE AS THEIR MORTAL PARENT!!!! BEAUTIFUL LIKE THE SUN!#HOW DID I EVEN MAKE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PERFECT BABY. UNREAL. THEY CANT BE MINE!? BUT THEY ARE!!! LOOK AT THEMMM!!?!!! IM SO PROUD……#my beautiful perfect angels… all of their parents best traits and none of our worst…. I am Barely restraining myself from sobbing#i would give u the WORLD if my father wouldn’t kill me for it :(‘#and it’s like. wow. okay dad. um. would have been nice to know that when we were all dying in The War#Please Hug Me Though.#imagine being a Random Ass Demigod who didn’t go on a big special quest or something like you are literally just Some Guy#and finding out that this weirdo loser god u gave a sandwhich to or something thinks you are so fucking cool#your own parent doesn’t know ur name but Apollo knows u on sight and read ur soul within the 2 seconds yall talked and he thinks you rock#how are you supposed to respond to that.#snack time#toa#longpost
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thinking about oliver francis reeder phd director of communications to the opposition again
#and the government eventually of course. as always i am deadly serious when i say i think ollie reeder got the party back in power#because it is the longer and the lesser and more perpetual murder and also because i believe he was very very good at his job indeed#he learned from the best. and outgrew him#the new political animal demanded by the post-spin post-truth age is a slick little turncoat with no spine or principles#as chris addison himself said if you look at the cabinet– any cabinet– ollie is everywhere these days. nothing behind the eyes because#spinelessness means flexibility. and he can manoeuvre around all the bear traps that men like malcolm set because he watched him lay them#helped him. lay in them as bait. dear god. ollie reeder as spin doctor in chief and sick boycaesar is a terrifying thing indeed#as i've said i think he must have been so much worse because he had no morals. the fact he didn't know when to stop as a churlish#undergraduate of a spad became the fact he didn't give a fuck about stopping as machiavel-elect. he'd have terrorised mr tickel himself#the impact of one man. or bringing out what was already there like a babe in the belly#stand in the dock of the inquiry malcolm tucker and shake thy gory locks at him#the thick of it
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soo crazy to me how in the last year with minghao, dokyeom, hoshi, joshua, junhui, and now woozi (idk if i'm missing someone) y'all are way too ready and eager to automatically throw them under the bus over something some random person (usually antis) said online and then like a day or two later when everyone comes to the consensus that it wasn't actually that big of a deal or even wrong/bad in the first place (which you could've figured out yourself from the beginning by just doing like. 30 seconds of research and exercising your critical thinking skills) everyone just moves on like nothing happened and goes back to being a fan/stanning them or whatever like you weren't just going with the crowd and shit-talking them 12 hours ago
#not even going to get into how so many problems arise from no understanding of korean/asian culture#and relying on half-assed and sometimes just straight up wrong translations#like cool you don't have to know everything about a culture or be fluent in a language but#that also means you probably shouldn't be speaking on certain things at all much less without even trying to look into it a bit more#anyways..yeah i'm sorry maybe i'm delusional but i definitely am going to default to trusting my idols#and then figuring out for myself if i really think they did something that bad or “cancel” worthy#before i'm about to believe some random twitter/tumblr/tiktok user and just go with whatever they tell me to think about something#and most of y'all don't apologize or clarify anything. just move on right after hurling the most abhorrent accusations against these people#who are people too in case anyone forgot#but then an idol kills themselves and everybody boohoo's and cries and acts like they just can't believe how this happened again#like it's you. you're why#and i can only speak on the last year of course bc that's how long i've been an actual carat and kept up with them to this extent#i'm sure other stupid stuff has happened before that too with other members#i just think if you're so ready to toss away your idols without giving them like any benefit of the doubt whatsoever you just need to go#i hate when i see this stuff too bc i'm usually only seeing the korean side of stuff and most of these things are such a non-issue here#bc people know better (not saying there aren't some crazy fans everywhere but)#then i see some dumb shit on tumblr dot com that either only has links to some dumb twitter thread#or i have to search for on twitter because again. i do not see stuff from int'l fans unless i am forced to or look it up intentionally#and just saying the timing of these things is always so calculated by antis and y'all fall for it every single time#this is all i have to say bc i just remembered the whole thing abt ppl trying to say hao was being fatphobic or something dumb#and then i remembered everything else and it just made me mad all over again lol#if anyone disagrees with any of this feel free to block me🥰
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I've been thinking a lot lately about Delirium and the way she speaks. She talks around a concept, never hitting it head on but glancing off through a series of metaphors and related concepts that explain things far better than wording them straight might. It's very relatable, and I think that's why I like her; that's how I think.
To me, the world isn't composed of precisely defined concepts but a series of interconnected existences which can all, ultimately, be related to each other. I also experience things in the incredibly specific manner Delirium seems to. I have sensitivities largely untethered from aversions, meaning that while I don't often find things deeply unpleasant or intolerable, I still experience them with an unusual specificity which often defies concise explanation. The best way I can convey certain feelings or experiences is through other feelings, experiences, and concepts to weave together a series of approximations that through their similar and dissimilar traits narrow down to what I'm trying to describe. Delirium does this too, and it's treated as a part of her that's no better or worse than any other. There are those that don't understand and those that do, and those that at least try to are awarded for their efforts because finally and most importantly, she genuinely has something to say. Her speech patterns are deceptively rambling because she takes a long time to say what she means to say, while simultaneously saying exactly it.
Delirium is neurodivergent coded in such a cathartic way because of this. I feel her frustration and joy because I know what it's like to be the person trying to explain something that has no words to assign, asking all of the time if there's a word for what she's feeling as a rhetorical and genuine question so that she can explain something without explaining it and call into question why we feel everything must be precisely laid in the place of as few words as possible. She is incredibly intelligent, but loses track of all of what's happening in a far more obvious way than most because there's just so much to keep track of, which is also very relatable as a neurodivergent person. Without putting labels on the experience, she perfectly captures it. I just... I like Delirium quite a lot, and think she'd be very good at post-modern literature.
#i hope to god this comprehensible#im trying so hard to get this shit in a line exactly becaude of why i like her#theres jusy SO MUCH to say its very hard to keep it straight and many more things to focus on beyond it#i love that delirium is treated by the narrative as an intelligent and wise being that just conveys that in an unconventional way#shes like my mirror metaphor. no mirror can light upon the minutae without shattering and no shattered mirror can see the bigger picture.#shes shattered but knows from when she was whole what the full picture looks like but she gets lost in all of the fragments#which gives her an incredibly unique and valuable perspective#at a surface level it seems as if she's an offensive depiction of mental illness but once you go deeper you realize shes not for the very-#reason she at first seemed to be. she embodies what is looked down upon but its told through side comments and events that theres more to-#her than the seeming irrationality.#she picks up and puts things down as she remembers them but that doesnt mean any one thing is any less valuable than any other#the ephemeral quality of her attentions dont diminish their value.#i have a lot of thoughts about her i just. am very fond.#and the way she and dream truly demonstrate the dichotomy of mental illness and neurodivergence makes me froth at the mouth.#he knows what shes saying most of the time and knows where shes at whether he admits it to himself or not because shes just externalizing-#what exists solely internally for him. hes better at masking and that is their difference which makes Such a statement oh my god when you-#think about how each are treated and understood.#it took me like. two weeks to organize these thoughts btw. they float in little brain clouds <3#i need to watch everything everywhere all at once#anyway#delirium of the endless#the sandman meta#the sandman#raspberry rambles
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.
#psicoanalysing myself in the tags this time so it's easier to ignore on y'all's dashes#don't say i don't care fo you guys <3#lol#no but of course i'm still thinking about autism tratis (haven't stopped thinking about it for one second)#everything i do or think now i'm comparing it to a list of autistic traits and drawing the same conclusion...#there is a big fat chance i am autistic (i'm now like 90% sure but i'm still looking things up)#anyways one big thing that is very annoying for me right now is masking...#i think i've done it all my life to such extent that i don't know what i've been faking and what's been real..#i overcompensate A LOT so i feel like i can't bring this up to people who know me (spacially my mom)#cause none of them would believe me *because* i overcompensate so much#and i'm drawing a lot of parallels with gender stuff#like to people who see me around I am VERY MUCH a girl#but for me and the people close to me i'm very clearly not#it's just that my enormous aversion to bringing attention to myself won't allow me to be myself#like i will overcompensate my masculinity by being very feminine when i'm out and about#because i know how i look! and it's more ''''normal'''' to see an afab behaving like a woman#and i don't want to be ''the trans weirdo'' everywhere i go#same with social situations. i act like i don't hate speaking because the thought of having to explain that i hate speaking#and being labeld as weird terrifies me#i once brought this up to my therapist and she dismissed it very quickly (which is why i'm no longer in therapy...)#but like i was explaining to her that i'm so anxious about going into a shop to buy anything and once i was with my mom#and i was expecting her to go and buy the things but she sent me in (validly *I* was the one that needed the things lol)#and i went in and did the buying... seemingly normal#but what wasn't seen was my thought process#the idea of having to embarrass myself in front of my mother and in public as a 20 yo who couldn't go into a shop...#and then have a back and forth discussion with my mother about how stupid that was and having to justify my anxiety and the confrontation#that was WAY worse in my head than just going in having a horrible time and buying what i needed in like 10 minutes you know?#the ''''social'''' decision i made wasn't because i don't have social anxiety it was because that was the least worse option#and i tried explaining this to my therapist and she just said ''if you had anxiety you wouldn't have gone in''#and changed the subject... just because i didn't fit what he textbook said was anxiety
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"Life is short, eat the damn cake" is all well and good until you're diagnosed with pre-diabetes and high cholesterol and suddenly you can't eat the damn cake
#lynx tales#chocolate and potato chips are what make life worth living#and they just want me to stop eating things I like?#I don't think life is bearable if all I can eat are uncooked vegetables#this had to happen on a week where my meds sgot messed up too#so i AM feeling the full force of every emotion ever#and I can't seem to actually be able to DO anything about my meds#because one i just fucking#LOST#like how do you lose a bottle of pills still in the CVS bad with the big stiff paper attached#I have looked Everywhere#no dice#my therapist said I should just call them#but that is............................bad#phone bad#and also#it's psychiatric medication so what's the likelihood they'll just replace it#the other one.......no idea what happened there#I know it got resubmitted#but I haven't had any updates from the pharmacy so like#everything hates me#especially my body#anyway this post was about food#I would rather die than not be able to eat what I want#I cave chocolate and salt all the time every damn day#I'm tying not to give into that so i don't die i guess#but I would kind of rather die than let the last little bits of real joy and control I have over my life go away
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ngl being the “funny friend” of a the friend group as a child did irreparable damage to my mental health
#tj talks#i am convinced everywhere all the time that everybody hates me#and im not fishing for compliments here i promise im just venting because my anxiety has been weird lately#not particularly bad in its usual way but just telling myself that people dont like me#but i think i also consider people friends too easily and then get hurt when they dont feel the same cause we only had few interactions#and i know you didnt follow me for the sad posts so pls ignore this im not looking for attention i just need a place to throw this into the#convinced half of my mutuals find me annoying and dont actually like me or my writing#but then again i equate person following me to friendship which does not always equal one another! and that is fine#im just being a wet cat tonight i think my period is about to start or something
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ahahaha. really scared right now this is serious 👍👍👍
I HAVE LESS THAN 3 MONTHS LEFT UNTIL IM KICKED OUT AND DONATIONS ARE AT THEIR ALL TIME LOW WHEN I NEED THEM THE MOST
i am less than halfway towards my goal of 2000 dollars to survive moving out, and at the moment, if current trends hold up, im.. probably not gonna make that amount. i dont know what will happen to me if im not able to safely move out, im a visibly trans autistic person living in texas.
for the love of god, please, if you can, donate anything, and if you can send this to like.. rich friends, or friends with nice jobs, or friends with money they dont need, because i could seriously use some help
im appreciating all the encouraging words ive been getting but.. while kind, words will only get me so far. i dont exactly have options for places to live, so the only place i can go if i dont manage to get enough to move out is on the streets.
i get seeing these posts a lot is annoying, i get doing something about it is annoying, i get clicking on a link and sending money is more than you wanted to do while scrolling tumblr, but if everyone who saw this post and had the ability sent me money, i might make it. things are looking bleak, and im looking everywhere i can for sources of income, but at my current pace.. im donezo without a miracle, i think.
C*SH*PP - @delilahswagga
P*YP*L - @delilahkill
i guess ill do the whole thing again
hi! im delilah, im a plural autistic trans girl in an abusive household in a shitty town in texas. ive been incapable of getting a job because no businesses are trans-friendly and i cant exactly pass as cis, i rarely have enough food in the house, and to top it all off, on june 1 2024 (my birthday, in less than 3 months) i am going to be kicked out onto the streets regardless of what i do. i have no options for places to live, i have no options for actual income, so i have to resort to begging on the internet. i know its annoying but.. i really dont know what else i can do that i havent already tried.
i promise to you, if your money goes to me and helps me survive, it wont be a waste. i have so many dreams that i am desperate to fulfill, im in a large polycule (the above banner is my polycule's "logo"/"flag") with people i love and people that love me dearly, and one day i want to live with as many of my partners as i can, and open a bakery with my boyfriend finn. i try to be the best person i can be, i try to help my friends when they need it (and plenty of my friends have told me ive saved their lives or made their lives much better) and. i just want to live. i dont know how to continue this without just sounding like im guilt tripping, so ill sign off here.
please dont scroll past this. share it if you can, copy the link and post it among you friends just to see if they can help, anything, for the love of god.
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PART 1 | AFTER FIVE YEARS
Pairing: Carlos Sainz x Reader
Summary: Carlos Sainz finally met his son he had with her ex-wife, Y/N.
Warning: None
“Wow, Mama this place is beautiful!”
“I’m glad you liked it here, my love,”
“Mama, can I explore around?,”
“Sure, I’ll come with you,”
You and Cael arrived in Madrid yesterday. Coming back to the place you wanted to forget is nerve wracking for you. This place brings back plenty of memories of you and Carlos together, about five years ago. But seeing how enthusiastic your four-year-old child is, makes you forget why you came back here in the first place.
Seeing how he enjoys the place calms your heart. Bringing him into beautiful places in Madrid makes you happy but exhausted at the same time. You are alone and you have to look after Cael who possesses the energy of a car battery and wants to just run and explore everywhere.
“Mama, can I have an ice cream?”
“Sure, what flavor do you want?”
“I want the chocolate one, Mama”
“Okay, stay here for a moment,”
You went to the ice cream stand nearby to buy Cael an ice cream. You left him at the small bench for him to rest for a moment from running and playing around.
The lane at the ice cream stall was not that long. You are looking at Cael from time to time while waiting for your turn. Gladly, after a few minutes, you finally got Cael’s ice cream, but the one who was supposed to eat it was gone.
“Cael?”
“CAEL!”
You started to panic and find yourself roaming around the plaza to find your son. You searched for him in every corner of the place but he is nowhere to be found.
He can't be that far. Cael where are you?
While you were waiting for your turn, Cael found a ball and followed it. He didn’t notice that while trying to catch the ball, he went far away from you.
Before he knows it, he didn’t know where he was. He tried to calmly find his way back to the bench where you initially left him. He started to walk as far as his tiny legs have taken. His eyes scanned all the people he runs into the plaza.
After few minutes, he started to get worried as no matter steps he take, he can’t seem to find you. He is nearly sobbing as the fact that he lost you is kicking in. Your son is courageous and smart enough to walked towards the first guy he saw for help.
Cael reached for the hem of his shirt. The man is wearing sunglasses, a white button-up shirt, an ivory short, and a white shoes. He removed his sunglasses and bent down to face Cael.
“Hey, buddy,” Carlos greeted Cael with a smile.
“Papa?” Cael confusely said and suddenly hugged him. Carlos was also confused why he called him Papa. But the hug was so warm and felt good, so he hugged Cael back.
“I must have looked like your Papa, am I? Where are your parents?” Carlos asked Cael.
“Sorry, you really looked like Papa. I'm with my Mama but I got lost. I am trying to find her.” Cael said, in verge of crying.
“It's okay buddy, don’t cry. I’ll help you find your Mama,” Carlos caressed Cael’s cheeks.
“May I ask what’s your name and how old are you, buddy?”
“I’m Sebastian Cael and I’m four years old. Almost five,” Cael said trying to show his four fingers to the man in front of him. Carlos smiled looking at the tiny human being trying to fold his finger.
“Hmm Sebastian Cael, What do you want me to call you?,”
“My friends call me Bash, but my Mama calls me Cael. I prefer if you’ll call me Cael,” Cael said with his naturally puppy brown eyes, melting Carlos.
“I’ll just call you Cael, then. So, can you remember when and where did you last see your Mama?” Carlos patiently wait for his response.
“She told me to rest at the bench as she buys me ice cream. But I got distracted by a ball and followed it,” Cael explained to Carlos how he got lost. Carlos can notice how Cael is trying so hard to hold his tears.
“Cael, buddy. I think you really went too far following the ball because the ice cream stall is at the opposite side of where we are right now. But don’t worry bud we’ll find your Mama, okay?,” Carlos gives Cael a reassuring smile. It is what the boy needs. Cael is in a foreign land and he cannot find his mom. Being snarky is the last thing Carlos wants to be.
Carlos held Cael's hands and walked to the ice cream stall. He tries to rub Cael’s tiny hand from time to time to assure and calm him.
Halfway back to the ice cream stall, Cael found Y/N, who was also looking for him.
“MAMA!” Cael yelled, for you to see him. He immediately let go of Carlos' hands and ran to you. You bent down when you saw Cael and opened your arms for him.
“God, Cael where have you been, my love? I was worried about you. Are you okay?” You hugged Cael tightly.
“I am okay, Mama. Sorry, I got distracted by a ball and followed it,” Cael said feeling sorry for worrying you.
“It’s okay, love. I’m relieved that you're fine. Mama’s here now,” You replied and kissed Cael’s cheeks.
“A gentleman who looks like Papa helped me find you Mama. He is so kind,” Cael said.
“Hmm?” It took few seconds for you to come back to your senses.
Right, how did Cael find his way back?
“There he is Mama,” Cael said and pointed to Carlos who has been staring at you two for a while now.
Cold sweats gush out of your body. The man you loved, the father of your child, the man you have been avoiding to see for the past five years is standing in flesh in front of you looking devilishly handsome. You can tell how confused he is right now and how you just want to run away with Cael any minute now.
Cael he does not look like your Papa. He is your Papa.
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#carlos sainz#carlos sainz x y/n#carlos sainz x reader#carlos sainz x you#f1 x reader#f1 x you#formula 1 x reader#formula one x you#afterfiveyears#cs55#carlos sainz junior#carlos sainz jr
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