🔥

I think New Adult is a completely unnecessary literary genre and I've been watching people on social media essentially try to "make fetch happen" with this age range for almost a decade now and it hasn't made any more sense as time has gone on. Frankly, if you're writing a character who is is 20+ years old, they should be in Adult. I don't think we need to create any more additional sub-categories for age ranges than what already exists: Children's, Middle Grade, YA, and Adult is perfectly fine. The age range NA represents is just 23-year-old teenagers. It's just YA with sex. Grow up and read adult books

Checked out!

WARNINGS: fluff-ish, eventually will be smut, mentions of getting sick twice

word count: 2k

Heres my first writing for tumblr! Hope you all like it!

Part Two, Part Three.

"Hey Miss!!" You peered down at the smaller voice, simultaneously feeling a book slip from your hand and onto the ground. The bookshelf was at least 5 rows high, and you had been standing as far as you needed to reach the top. You were dusting off and replacing the books on the shelf, which... hadn’t been so pleasant with children running around before their daily read. Regardless, you had a job to do. It wasn't gonna stop for a ton of kids. You had been rearranging the books in alphabetical order before the kid startled you. Thank god it didn’t fall on their head.

"Are you gonna read to us today? Or is Miss Maggie?" The kid didn't look over six years old, blue eyes and long brown hair with freckles littering her face in a wonderful way. She wore a small dress full of sunflowers with bright pink shoes on her feet. She had been here before... Although, her name wasn’t ringing a bell.

"I wanted to read one of those pigeon stories you read us last time!" You let out a sigh of relief that the book didn't smack the kid on top of her head prior to climbing down to the ground and leaning down be eye-level with her.

"Pigeon stories?" You've read dozens of books about dozens of creatures and characters. What on earth would relate to a.. pigeon? Leaning down a bit farther to snatch up the book you had dropped, she pushed another book into your arms. The title read The Pigeon Needs A Bath!

"This book is pretty thin, You sure you want me to read just this one book, sweetheart?" You stood up straight, handing the girl the book back before cocking your hip to the side and placing your hand onto it.

"Me and Emmie can go find some more!" She hurried off to find her.. friend? Knowing it had been a child, it could be a stuffed animal! But she sure did leave too quickly to ask any questions about it. You sighed, climbing back up to finish your organizing. Thank goodness I’m already close to being done. You thought to yourself, dusting top to bottom and moving onto the 4th row. Their reading wasn't for another.. what? 20 minutes? You had time to knock out another shelf. Time flew by as you finished the 4th row. It was already time to read.

"I have to stop by Goodwill and get some more books. I also gotta stop at the post office and some.. other errands? You got this reading?" The owner of the store, Maggie, looked over to make sure she had gotten your attention before naming off a few things that needed done in the shop before you closed up shop.

"Yeah! What time will you be back?" You climbed down the last step of the ladder, patting off the dust from the bookcase that had gotten on your apron. It was some cutesy hello kitty apron you wore so the dust wouldn't ruin your clothing but it really just made it look like it was some mini cafe. None the less, you wore it.

"I'll be back in time for that uh, Pro hero guy. I don't know- my wife wrote him in. Ask and she'll tell you!" You weren't too involved with all that hero bullshit, the whole who can save more lives?! You get the most money AND an award. The system in itself was ass and it wouldn't make a difference in your everyday life for one of those snobby people to stop by. You walked around the shelves, watching Maggie leave as you sat down on a small rounded couch. A small chime rang through the shop as it called the children over for their reading, a few already sitting and ready to hear you.

It wasn't a big library, it seemed like a corner store had gotten torn down and then completely renovated into a library for children. The second floor had been where the owner and her wife stayed. It was a cozy little place where about 8-12 kiddos would visit for a read. There were bookshelves in the walls for more book space and 5 separate shelves more towards the middle of the place. They held less books than the ones on the wall. Only two of the five reached over 3ft. Parents would come in just to rent a few books. But more often than not, the owner would go out hunting for new books for everyone to enjoy. Along with cute little toys and those foam floor mats to sit on. All of the children in the shop had sat right in front of you, including the girl from earlier who held 4 books in her hands. A few other kids held thin picture books in their hands as well, but only having 15 minutes to read to them, it might be hard to get around to all of them.

“Alright, Who's first?" You asked, smiling down at them. Every single child raised their hand, some even raising both so your attention was on them. Of course this wasn't going to be easy. You thought to yourself as you put a hand over your eyes, pointing to some random kid. He held a small book, standing up slowly and handing it to you.

"My mom reads me this sometimes.." Poor boy was only about 5, and seemed pretty shy. You gave him a reassuring smile before he went back to his seat. You began to read and in no time at all you finished reading the few books children selected. Thank god it was a Friday, Most children would be picked up right after the reading for afternoon preschool etc. But it seemed like no one wanted to leave. Was it that hero Maggie had mentioned? You sighed, hopping up and heading to the check out desk where you saw a few children wanting to check out their books you previously read to them. You leaned down over the desk to reach for the book, scanning it and doing so for each person. The store bell jingled, as if the creak of the door didn't give away someone walking in.

"Welcome to 'Children's Magical Bookshop,' You paid the person no mind as you spoke, handing the last child their book and letting your gaze fall upon the... very tall man in front of you. Noise filled the small shop, children running up to him screaming-

"Deku!" As loud as their little lungs could. He gave a flashy smile, leaning down to hug the children that ran straight for his legs. He laughed and lifted a few of them in his.. very strong arms. Was it hot in the bookshop? Was the AC fucked up? You force your eyes from the tall man.. Was he looking at you too? Your mind screamed at you to introduce yourself, Quickly walking towards a shelf to do something. Anything bust stand there and gawk at him.

"Are you Maggie?" There were hopping children behind him, playing with his gloves and such as you turned to him.

"No- I'm y/n. Are you that.. pro? She had been talking about.?" You huffed through your nose, turning to him. He extended a hand, nodding with a cheesy grin on his face as soon as you had taken his hand into yours. It wasn’t like you never saw him on the news, but you sure did skip the channel as soon as it was some bullshit hero chart over who had been number one. He was so much hotter in person..

"Yes! I'm sorry I'm a bit early, I finished patrol sooner than I thought! I hope I'm not interrupting anything? The woman on the phone said before six, I told her I was sure I could make it around five!" His eyes traveled to your lips for a moment, listening to you speak back to him.

“You’re fine, There’s plenty of time for you to hang out and sign all of their t-shirts and such. Make yourself at home big man. You can sit in the reading area,” The kids dragged him to where you were just moments ago.. But he couldn't get you to leave his mind. You were beautiful. He needed to make you his.

The poor hero stayed until about six o’clock to talk to you, since all of the kids finally left to go do their summer homework or whatever they had to do. Deku had been leaning over the counter for almost an extra hour to make some conversation with you, he just couldn’t help himself. You cant blame him either! You had this smile that he couldn’t resist. And quite frankly, he wasn’t used to this feeling of butterflies in his stomach. He fought some shit villain every day! What's a few butterflies? Especially as pretty as you. Why wouldn't he want to stick around?

“I really didn’t think it would be so chill this week! It feels like I've done nothing but catch up on papers!” Izuku scratched his neck with his index finger, shaking his head lightly. “I guess I really am doing a good job!- Of course other pros are doing their jobs as well!” He let out a relieved chuckle, looking at you with a big, sincere, smile on his face. “How has work here been? It must be so nice working with so many children!”

You feel your eyes involuntarily roll, shaking your head and leaning against the wall behind you. “It’s nice until some kid gets sick on themselves and their mother isn’t here to help. We have extra clothing in the back because it’s happened more than once.” You groaned as your eyes trailed to the door leading to lost n found, clothes, and other things. You had an unamused look on your face talking about it. He noticed and let his eyes follow yours until feeling your eyes rest upon him once more. Maybe texting would let you come around to him a bit more? Were you bored?

“Yikes- I’ve seen adults get sick after villains show up. But I probably should head back to my agency.” He looked out of the store window before right back to those beautiful e/c eyes of yours. “Do you have a number I can text? I would love to talk to you more y/n..!” He was already prepared for rejection. It was kinda weird to be hitting on you after dealing with kids wasn’t it? Maybe he should take it back. Was he coming off as some sleazy ass hero?

Your eyes widened in the slightest- Enough for him to notice. “Sure, Let me see your phone,” You stepped closer to the counter, seeing him fumble on the pouch of his belt before unlocking and giving you his phone. You went to his contacts, making yourself one of them and handing it right back to him. He had an even bigger, cheesier, grin on his face after he took it back.

“Thank you, y/n!” He bowed his head before quickly leaving out to his agency. Finally, you could go home as well. Not that he was a problem, but that man sure could talk. It was endearing. Maybe I can put enough of those stutters in mind tonight. You joked to yourself, grabbing your keys and walking out to lock up the small bookshop. There was no doubt that you were attracted to him. Every woman in America and Japan was attracted to him in some way.

You let out a small sigh, driving home and turning your radio up until hearing your phone ding. You glanced over at the screen to see an unknown number texting. Assuming it was Deku, you waited until you were home to answer him. By the time you had texted him back, he was quick to reply. You two made plans to hang out soon and have dinner together. You talked for hours until one of you had fallen asleep. He was ecstatic. You really enjoyed his company.

taglist: @tenyaiidasslut @hi-rubi @devilsbooksworld @flamingpastapotatoes @arleneeene @blacklotussai @akam4recs @prinvilmain

a/n: I fucking hate tumblr KWJCHDH ive had to re-write this more than once because they changed the layout if the save and post. Its not my best work and was mostly edited on here instead of Google docs. Learn to edit the first version first i guess 💀 The second part will be much better!

Please Reblog!!!!

Avrage day (Brahms x reader)

It's almost 3 am while writing this and I crave for soft Brahms story, pure fluff and I also didn't prove read it for any errors or something similar

The clock hits 6 am and the alarm started to pull you out of your wonderful dream by it's awful screeching noises. With a groan you toss and turned a bit until you admit defeat, with a heavy sigh you pull yourself out of the comfortable and warm bed into the cold called your room. Normally it would have been at least a bit warm but Brahms somehow managed to damage the heater while crawpe through the wall.

You stretch your back and arms while slowing walking up to Brahmses room. The door squeaked a bit, you're eyes look at the still sleeping form of Brahms slightly snoring a bit. You always checked on him every morning if everyone is alright, with a soft smile you close the door and began to fish out your clothes for the day.

Your still tired body clumsily dragged you into the bathroom to make yourself fresh the morning sunlight already shining into the room.

As you finished to wash and clothed yourself the birds started to sing and it was soon time to wake up Brahms.

With the rest of the 15 minutes you quickly walked down to the kitchen and made the table ready for breakfast. Bread, butter, cheese, ham, orange juice, you counted to yourself if everything was there, with a nod you tuned on the stove to boil some eggs.

With that you happily walked up to Brahmses room and softly knocking on the door.

"Brahsm, it's time to wake up"

You sayd in a warm and soft tone.

The only response you got was a disgruntled grumble and the man you're taking care of turning his back on you. With a huff's you shoved the curtains aside and heard from behind how Brahms groand in agony as the warm sun shined on his face.

"It's time to wake up"

You sayd in a more demanding tone,

"Five more minutes..."

Brahms sayd in return, you put your hands on your hips and huffed with slight annoyance. He always says five more minutes, and out of those dives became 10 then 20 then 45 and then a hour, and after that he got mad that you woke him up so late.

You shaked your head and pulled the blanket off of Brahms who put a bit of a fight with it.

"You need to make yourself ready now, I already started to boil the eggs and if I wait any longer there is going to be a mess."

He only pouted a bit when he heard that sentence and slowly started to dramatically drag himself out of bed. With a smile you patted his and and got him some fresh clothes out of the drawer.

When all was done you got Brahmses hand and convoy him to the kitchen, since he still made his body heavier then it was and walked around like a puppet who's strings almost fall off of it.

But all that behavior quickly stopped when he sat at the table and got his breakfast.

You quickly were finished with yours and started to clean the dishes while Brahms lazily munched on his last sandwich.

"After you are brush your teeth and come back to play the piano, okay?"

He nodded while swallowing the last bite and quickly walked away.

Into the room with the pino you already picked out the piece he is learning at the moment and clipped it on the board. It didn't took long until the tall and lanky man joined you and took a seat.

The man was an incredibly talented player, his nibble and skilled fingers played the music with ease. No matter how many times you hear him play it impresses you each and every time. Actually when you think about it, he is generally a really talented man. He is amazing at playing the piano, his painting skills are remarkable and even if you don't hear him sing a lot his deep growly adult voice is just so wonderful to hear. He also learns quick, every new info Brahms get he will absorb it like a sponge. To bad that instead of using his talent for someone good and productive he rather use it to play a few pranks on you or cause mischief if he feels like it.

The time fly by fast, piano lessons were over and Brahms was finishing his school lession outstandingly well. So as a treat for working so well you told him you would read him 3 chapters more of his favorite novel. With small giddy jumps he walked up to you embracing your much smaller form in a tight hug. The cold and slightly cracked porcelain nose nuzzled its between your shoulder while your soft hands caressed his head softly.

You both placed yourself on the newly bought couch listening to the music Brahms choice for today. But it was clear that he was occupied with something else. The tall man snuggled tighter to your form and fought your fingers into yours, playing with them. He was way to caught up with your presence that he completely blacked out the music. Every now and then his big hand gave yours a small playful squeeze or his face burying its into the crook of your neck.

The little actions make you giggle slightly and your warm smile grew a bit wider when he asked if you could give him a kiss on the forehead. Normally you tell him kisses are only for goodnights but you let it slide just this once.

Brahms flaild his legs in excitment, small giggles escaping his mouth as you shower his face with kisses.

At noon it was Brahmses playtime. You already made yours comfortable on the floor watching the man gathering all his favorite toys out of the giant plastic box. His arms filled with all the goodies and his eyes sparkling with excitement he stumbled to your way on his knee's.

But he never was satisfied with one thing. Often times he asked you to bring out his painting utensils or clay to make small figure and since you finally brought modern electronics into the house he sometimes asked to play mario kart with you.

As time flew by faster then you liked, you told Brahms to bring back the toys into the box while you went off to make lunch. With a disappointed grunt he picked up his dolls and legos.

While you prepared today's lunch you heard how Brahms was shuffling around you curiously watching you. He sometimes in between the stares asked you what your doing right now or if he could help. Even though Brahms is still a spoiled man, he learns to appreciating the moments were you both cook together. He may not be the best at it but him trying his best was good end for you and it also warmed your heart when you watch him trying to cut the perfect slice just for you.

At 1 pm dinner was ready and the table ready.

"Thank you for cooking"

Sayd Brahms with a mouth full of food, you gave him a smile and thanked him back for helping. Too bad you won't get the same help when you need to clean the dishes.

As you both place the dirty dishes into the sink and put the rest of the meal into a container. The lanky man quickly hide back into the wall to do god knows what. You never know what exactly he does there, sometimes you hear him crawl betwen the tight spaces or he gives you a vague answer when you ask. But what you know is that he needs is time alone and even if you're dying of curiosity you respect his privacy and don't want to invade it. So you dry the last plate and start to clean the house.

When the old grandfather clock striked 4:50 pm you were surprised that you didn't heard anything from Brahms, infact you didn't even hear hims shuffle inside the walls. You knew that the worst case scenario is him falling asleep between the walls but because it is so out of character for the man you still worried slightly. When you stuffed that bit of dirty clothes into the washer and your eyes staring at the clock that was now showing 6:00 pm you decide to call out his name.

And you called, and called, and called, but there was no answer the dumb side of your brain told you that Brahms slipped and bit his head on som6hard and is now hirting on the floor. But as your anxiety grew more and more it quickly got shut down as it came when you felt two strong arms hugging you from behind and the comfortable warmth of the wall gremlin.

"I hope I did not worry you too much"

A child voice sayd, before you could answer you got silenced rather fast when the man held something close to your face. It was a necklace, it looked like it was made by hand, here and there were a few rough and sloppy edges but you definitely could recognize that someone more skillful made it.

"Is-is this form me?"

With big eyes you looked at Brahms who nodded shyly

"It's a thanks for taking care of me"

He carefully placed it around your neck and hocked the ends together. You almost jumped out of your socks out of joy and gratification. Your arms embraced Brahms in a big hug softly swaying each others body from left to right and giving him small kisses. His soft snorts and giggles only spurt you even more on in drowning him in your affection.

As the clock hit 7:00 you both were already finished with dinner and making yourselfs ready for the night. But it was still a bit to early so you took the liberty to snuggle yourself next to Brahms playing with his brown locks as you listen to him whisper small words of affection towards you.

The older man shifted a bit and pulled the book from the night table to you,

"Can you please read the story for me now? You promised to give me 3 extra chapters and if you don't start now if will be to late!"

His child voice pointed out you gave him a last kiss on the forehead and took the book.

As you spoke out the sentences you didn't noticed hof Brahms slowly but surely feel asleep only his almost not noticeable snores alerted you to his sleeper form. You wanted to wiggle out of the bed but the man had a death grip on you, so instead you lays the book aside and turned off the lights also softly falling into dream land awaiting the next day.

paperclip chains

akaashi keiji (officeAU!)

a collection of scenarios following you and akaashi as you try and finesse the art of navigating life as working adults.

genre: a bit sad at times, but hopefully fluffier in the future.

a/n: my first piece of writing and this is pure self indulgent because work is hard and nothing makes sense sometimes. hope you all enjoy and find some comfort in it. 

word count: 3500~

pt. one 🦋 blank like a sheet of paper. 🦋

[friday. 3:00 p.m.]

someone had cracked open the window. the air inside the office had been much too oppressive, stale with the smell of the murky, insipid coffee you could get from the cafeteria. for free. staff privileges, they call it. late afternoon sun pours in through the large square windows. it ignites the office, dying it in the shades of an inferno. however, the warmth of it does not reach akaashi’s heart. the way the rays set everything aglow was in contrast to the chill crisp autumn air. akaashi could hear the leaves rustle, clinging to the branches waiting for that particular gust of wind, strong enough to blow them off. the leaves would then twirl and twirl until they’d softly land on the damp earth becoming one with it again. he wishes he were a leaf.

He tries to focus on nature’s gentle melody, but the hubbub of the office is overbearing. the incessant clicking of alphabets on the keyboards, the murmur of pages being turned, someone sneezes loudly and it is immediately followed by lazy ‘bless you’s’. his ears are attuned to the low electric groan of the printer, and he hopes someone would get up and unclog the jam of papers before the white noise drives him insane. he ends up doing it himself, almost losing a finger in the process as he tries to pull out a badly stuck paper from the printers’ rollers. today had been one of those days where nothing had gone right, a domino of disasters triggered the moment he’d opened his eyes. these days had been coming by way too often lately for his taste. he felt tired.

none of these turmoils showed on his exterior though, he wore a calm, unbothered mask. despite his depressing inner monologue, he diligently read through the manuscript highlighting bits he’d like to go over with the author at their next meeting.

it wasn’t like akaashi hated his job, infact, this was his dream job. he loved what he did but sometimes his love for his work was eclipsed by the politics the workplace was entrenched in. the naivety from when he had first joined almost a year ago had worn off quickly. it took him a mere week in the workforce to understand that a job demanded more than the list of skills and tasks specified in the job description. in any office, beneath the veneer of civility, there always remains an undercurrent of competition, jealousy, idle minds looking for entertainment at the expense of each other. there were people who did not love their job, the free loaders who somehow never did their share but managed to take home their bag of coins. they would slack and slack some more until the burden of their neglect would be shifted upon the shoulders of the new comers. too timid to resist. he pulls out his leather bound planner, a gift from his friend to celebrate him landing the role of an assistant editor all those months ago. it is almost filled from start to finish with his scribbles and the leather is soft with constant handling. his eyes scan past all the work he had wrapped up for the day, until one of his seniors had dumped an endless stack of files containing short stories that had been sent in for the monthly writing contests. they’re not short anymore when you have a hundred of them to read at once. apparently, the senior had a date he’d forgotten about and had to leave early. akaashi couldn’t report this to the boss, he knew how offices worked. its venomous hierarchies slithered like snakes ready to diss whoever defied them. rookies must act like rookies. akaashi quickly jots down in his planner a list of things he must get done over the weekend and the bulleted list slowly fills up two entire pages.

when he wasn’t picking up after someone’s mess akaashi did enjoy what he did. he enjoyed being on top of his work, found an euphoric satisfaction in duties well done. while his colleagues took it easy during the day and whined as they worked overtime in the evenings to meet deadlines, akaashi was most probably done for the day by then and already at home; fresh out of the shower and lighting his favourite candles that made his bedroom smell like cinnamon. he’d curl up under his soft comforter letting the tension of a busy day dissipate from his body. he kept his favorite books on the nightstand and would read them as he waited for sleep to come.  

“akaashi-chan,” he hears the soothing voice of his supervisor, an old well natured man in his sixties who had worked here for almost thirty years. he walks upto akaashi’s desk, his eyes crinkling with a gentle smile as he takes in the mess that was his desk.  “its difficult being a rookie, huh?” hatori-san says. “i would’ve just let you gone home, but the design and printing departments are an anxious bunch. they’re breathing down our necks for the final draft of the magazine two weeks before the release date.”

“please don’t apologise, hatori-san. It’s always like this towards the end of the month.” you aren’t the one who should be apologising.

“hmm...” the elderly muses, “maybe you should dilly dally like your colleagues, afterall, who is to blame you? the youth are meant to be reckless. ”

“but hatori-san if i did that not even a quarter of our magazine will be ready by the end of this month!” akaashi’s voice is filled with amusement, and mild terror.

hatori-san chuckles. “yes, yes i’m aware. i’ll rely on you then akaashi-chan. i do have a bit of good news for you though.” a bonus-

“we’re getting another assistant editor on monday, hopefully your workload can be halved from then on and a be little more manageable. i’m worried you’re starting to look older than me akaashi-chan.” he jokes. “i’ll leave her in your care.”

❀ ✿  ✿ ❀

[friday. 8:20 p.m.]

he stays in the office until late that night, finishing as much of his work he can before the words on the screen begin to blur and he can feel his brain churn in his head. he packs the documents he needed to read over the weekend, putting them neatly in his black briefcase. the temperatures have dropped quite low and with his tan coat on and a scarf wrapped around his neck, he steps out into the world. outside, tokyo is buzzing with life, the lights twinkle and a bubbly atmosphere engulfs even this usually grim and dull part of the city; where most companies found their home. salary men and women chatter excitedly as they pour into the office district from the high rise buildings of concrete and glass. groups of people stand on the sidewalk chatting amicably, smoke rises from cigarettes, plans to go hangout at karaokes, bars and restaurants float in the air.

it wasn’t that akaashi did not have friends, or ever had trouble making any. he was easy going, attentive and though not the loudest in the room, he was enigmatic. people were drawn to him. especially the weird and loud ones. not that he minded. not that he ever judged. which is what made people open up their hearts to him so easily. they knew he’d take them for who they were. but, like earlier today he couldn’t shake off the feeling of unease that clawed at him. he had his dream job but the hours he spent on his desk day after day, the endless exchange of apathetic emails, the unlimited cups of coffee, had all amalgamated into a kind of hollowness. he felt empty instead of fulfilled. he idly wonders if bokuto-san ever felt this way, or knowing him, did he charge straight ahead without any inhibitions? if you asked bokuto whether he could see himself playing volleyball for the next twenty or fifty years, bokuto would say ‘yes, ofcourse!!!’ in a heartbeat. and akaashi knew bokuto would mean it.

he wonders how hatori-san had spent his entire life in that office. could i do the same?

akaashi considers hanging out with some of his friends from university, maybe take hatori-san’s advice and just let go and forget everything for a while. he could be your typical 20 something, going to the bars with his 20 something friends where they’d shit talk their rude colleagues. He could console that one friend who wouldn’t stop crying over his ex-girlfriend who left him 3 years ago, every time he’s drunk. he could go home with that girl at the opposite end of the bar who wouldn’t stop looking his way, and who in his drunken haze, he thinks to be pretty. but eventually akaashi decides he is too tired to do any of that.

much later, when he settles into bed, he mindlessly picks up a book from his nightstand. he starts reading from where he had left off the night before but his eyes don’t really register a single word. for all he knew, he could’ve been staring at a blank sheet of paper. after a few more minutes of seeing nothing, he puts the book away and buries himself deep underneath the covers.

he feels the tears fall.

❀ ✿  ✿ ❀

[monday, 9:45 a.m.]

its odd. akaashi feels well rested. very very well rested.

his eyes fly open, and the first thing he sees is the blue sky peeking from the gap between his curtains. he’s afraid to look at the time.

9:45 A.M. well, shit.

akaashi feels winded by the time he makes it to the floor where his office was.from the door he sees hatori-san standing next to akaashi’s chair, his back towards him. akaashi’s heart is in his throat, an apology that sounds fake dances on his tongue. he then hears hatori-san chuckle. a soft female voice says something he cannot catch. ah, the new assistant editor.

“good morning” he calls hoarsely, as he approaches them.

“Ah, hello akaashi-san,” his supervisor beams, “meet y/n. hopefully, your new partner in crime.”

“i was told i’m supposed to help slow down your aging process.” her voice is soft, and despite the shyness there is a mischievous lilt to her tone.  “i’ll do my best. please do guide me.”

hatori-san excuses himself. she’s practically buzzing with excitement, akaashi notices. before he can say anything, she pulls out a brand-new notepad from her bag, pen clicking open. she looks ready to take on the world.

he has to bite back a smile. she’s cute, cheeks flush and lips in a pout as she  jots down something on it. he genuinely wonders what it is she writes, considering he hasn’t even spoken yet. her hair is neatly tied away from her face but a few stray tendrils fall and delicately frame her face.

he wonders if this is how he had looked on his first day at work. face pink and eyes bright. probably not as cute though, oh no, definitely not cute. he internally cringes at the memory of his awkwardness.

but you miss it. that excitement.

“it’s fine.” he says, “please just sit down and relax, i’ll guide you as we go through our daily routine.” he gives her a small smile.

they spend the morning, going through the basics of the trade, she's a fast learner, he notes. and later during the lunch hour he divulges to her the little ‘how to survive in this office 101s’. he tells her how how she mustn’t drink the free coffee they hand out at the cafeteria (even though he’s come to accept it himself, for he welcomes caffeine in any state and form). he suspects they reuse the coffee grounds more times than considered acceptable. how if you ever jammed the printer, try and leave before anyone realises it was you if you don’t want to be the recipient of death glares from colleagues all day long. He tells her which restrooms are the best and which elevators reach their destinations the fastest. the grimmer and more ruthless bits of working here can wait, he thinks.

passion was something he lost some time ago and hasn’t been able to find ever since.

“make sure to take it easy.” he mumbles to her as they are putting away their trays, “if work gets too much, you can always place the manuscripts and drafts  on my desk when i’m not looking.”

she looks at him incredulously. laughter bubbles from her lips as she tells him with mock indignance that she’s better than that. she asks the cafeteria lady for two cups of the infamous coffee, offering him one.

“lets toast!” y/n proposes .

“to what?”

“to all the times we’ll be the the last two brain cells holding up this company. together.” she jokes, touching her paper cup to his. 

he likes the sound of ‘together’.

❀ ✿ ✿ ❀

Fight or Flight - Chapter 2: Priorities

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC (Riley Liu)

Book: The Royal Heir (canon divergent from the end of book 2)

Word Count: ~2900

Rating: R (language only)

Summary: Ninety minutes since The Walker Absconding

Author’s Note:  A series that follows the Walkers, their friends, and Cordonia as a whole after they flee the country with their daughter during Barthelemy Beaumont’s attempted coup. To catch up on this series, check out it’s masterlist, linked here.

Drake glanced over at his daughter sleeping soundly against his shoulder, her fists clutching tightly to the collar of his old denim shirt. The rocking of the car had lulled her to sleep within 20 minutes, before they’d even passed Applewood Orchards. Combine that with the fact that this was around her usual nap time, and she was out for the count. It was a blessing, he supposed, that she was so easily calmed in a car. This whole situation was stressful enough without a screaming 10 month old on top of everything. Plus, she hadn’t really noticed Riley’s utter breakdown.

When Drake had found Riley and Bridget out on the drive, he’d not even been a little bit prepared for what was about to happen. Obviously, he’d known Riley would be raging about Barthelemy’s plan. That was a given. And he wasn’t exactly surprised that the conversation she’d had with Olivia had been about a plan to get Bridget out of there. Riley had been acting cagey and weird, but when Olivia had pulled him aside not even a minute after Riley had left the room, pointed at a tube of diaper ointment on the floor, and told him to get to her driver and head to Lythikos, he’d assumed that nerves over getting caught by Barthelemy and his allies had been why she hadn’t even looked him in the eye before she left the room.

But it was a much bigger mess than that. He’d known something was up when Riley didn’t hand Bridget over when she called and reached for him. Bridget seemed to like being with Drake more at the palace, probably because he held her more at balls and galas while Riley worked the room. For Riley to insist on keeping Bridget in her arms was odd. And then, the truth came spilling out. That Riley had planned to just… up and leave Cordonia. With his daughter. Without telling him a damn thing.

At first, all he’d felt was a swell of anger. But rapidly, a million other feelings had flooded his mind. Pain. Confusion. Guilt. Sadness. Longing. Concern. Protectiveness. And those were just the ones he’d noticed as he’d scrambled to follow her pleas and desperation. Even now that the initial shock was starting to wear off for him, he wasn’t sure exactly what he was feeling. Too many things were competing in his mind.

All he knew was that he had to stick with his wife and kid. That had to be his number one priority. And so when Riley told him that she was leaving the country and taking Bridget, he knew he was going too. Even if he couldn’t fully understand her thought process at the moment, he knew she was just trying to protect their kid in the best way she could think of. So, he shoved the storm of emotions down and tried to be solid and steady, since it seemed like she was crumbling to pieces before his eyes.

Seeing her like that had been so strange. Even before, when Riley had cried about something in front of him, she’d never seemed out of control or desperate. Tears of righteous anger? Sure. Fear and anxiety? He’d seen that a few times as well. Even pure hormones during her pregnancy and postpartum period. But never had he seen her just panicking, her eyes wild and out of control, her whole body trembling just slightly. He’d never really seen anything like it before.

The closest comparison he could make was to the time he’d snuck out of bed when he was seven years old to grab a cookie and had stumbled on his parents fighting. It was the first time he’d ever seen them so much as disagree, and he’d been unable to go back to sleep that night, convinced his parents were going to split up. His mother had been in tears, begging his father not to take the promotion. The next morning, he and Savannah had learned that Dad had a new, more important job, so they would be living at the palace a lot going forward. At the time, Drake had thought his mother was just dumb. Moving in with Liam while Dad got a cool new job had seemed like a no-brainer as a child. Now, as an adult, he could look back on that moment and understand his mother’s fears and concerns. But watching his wife, who had been through so fucking much in her life, lost, unsure, and out of control had made him feel a bit like an unsettled and worried seven year old all over again.

Of course, he was now a grown ass adult, and he should not have been so thrown by his wife needing stability and support from him after the news they’d just faced. Hell, he should have known that the threat of having her child taken from her would hit her harshly, given the number of times her own mother lost custody of her. Riley was always so insistent she would be nothing like her mother, and it hadn’t even occurred to Drake that what Barthelemy was discussing would feel a little too similar for comfort. It should have, though. She had trusted him with the entire story of her childhood - her father’s abandonment, her mother’s addiction, her time in foster care - and he couldn’t even be bothered to think about how that might affect her when some asshole was threatening to take custody of their kid. 

He’d been worried about the big picture, what the goals of this fucking coup really were. What this meant for everyone. Meanwhile, he’d left his panicking, traumatized wife to worry first and foremost about their kid. And that’s why she hadn’t been planning to tell him until she already had Bridget somewhere safe, wasn’t it? Because she’d sensed that he wasn’t as solely focused on protecting their child, no matter the cost.

When had he become numb to the toxicities of court? When did that fucking happen? It seemed like it wasn’t that long ago he was telling Riley that court was going to chew her up and spit out her remains. But somewhere along the way, he got complacent. He’d found a few good people mixed in with the shitty ones, and suddenly it was all fine? He should have seen this coming a kilometer away. Someone is always scheming, plotting, maneuvering. Always. How had Riley absorbed all his early lessons while he somehow forgot everything he knew? He’d let them play him like a fool, standing there as they voted to take Bridget away from him and Riley and the crown away from Liam. Blindsided and sputtering, caught off guard. Like an idiot.

To be fair, there were still a few people he trusted at court. Liam, of course. Hana. Maxwell too, as his father’s actions had clearly caught him off guard. Besides, Maxwell had always been too earnest and accepting of everyone to have any desire to get caught up in something like this. And Olivia, oddly enough. She was clearly loyal as hell to Liam. And she’d worked with Riley to create a plan to keep Bridget with them. A plan that probably would have been a lost simpler than the shitshow they were about to face. 

Drake honestly had no idea how bad things were about to get, and based on the state Riley had been in out on the palace drive, she hadn’t given it any thought beyond feeling that having her daughter by her side was worth any price. But shit, this was probably gonna be a disaster. Their only destination was “Greece,” but it’s not like they had a place to go when they got there. Flying to Texas to hide out with Mom was out of the question since they didn’t have their passports and were therefore bound to the EU. Taking money from the accounts tied to their titles was morally questionable at this point, and it might not even be an option anymore, depending on who was running Cordonia at the moment and if they’d already moved to freeze the Valtorian accounts. Hell, his personal account, which didn’t hold that much, might be frozen, too. Their only funds that the government couldn’t touch was if Riley still had an American bank account, but something told Drake that a former waitress from a very expensive city wasn’t sitting on tens of thousands of dollars. And that didn’t even touch the fact that technically, Bridget was legally under Liam’s custody as a child in direct line for the throne.

Hell, even simple things. They didn’t have toothbrushes or toothpaste. Riley’s glasses or contact solution. A change of clothes. More than the dozen or so diapers that were left in the bag. Baby food. A pack n play or crib or even car seat. Shit, they literally couldn’t let Bridget out of one of their arms. They were going to have to figure out a way to buy some basics. And at the moment, Drake knew he needed to take care of some planning for Riley and him. She had already panicked enough without being confronted with the reality of her decision.

He glanced down at Riley, her head resting on his knee as she also slept. Within a half hour of being on the road, Riley had gotten very shaky, pale, and lightheaded, presumably dealing with the after effects of her adrenaline rush. Drake had encouraged her to lie down and take some deep breaths, and before long, she was lightly snoring. Given how broken and frantic she’d seemed, he wanted to let her get a little bit of rest before they dealt with the practical shit they were gonna need to address. But at this point, they probably needed to actually talk. Things weren’t going to get magically better, and he needed to get a sense of what she was thinking.

Shifting slightly, trying not to disturb Bridget, he settled his left hand on her shoulder, giving her a gentle squeeze as he whispered, “Riley.” After several seconds, her muscles tensed, and her eyes blinked open.

“Sorry to wake you up,” Drake whispered, “but we gotta talk about some stuff.”

Riley stretched slightly before sitting up. “How long was I out for?” she asked as she rubbed her eyes.

“About an hour.”

“So we’re still in Cordonia?” she cast him a wary look at that.

“For the next 45 minutes or so, yeah.” Drake had been hoping to get some clarity from her on why Olivia’s Lythikos hideout plan was not an option for her, but based on the way she was looking at him, that topic was going to have to wait. He couldn’t have her panicking again. “That’s not what I wanted to discuss, though. I was just wondering if you had a destination in mind in Greece.”

Riley gave him a small smile as her shoulders visibly relaxed, but shook her head gently. “Not really. I thought maybe we could just head to the closest American consulate? There has to be a closer option than Athens, right?” she asked as she pulled out her phone and moved to open her map app.

“No, Riley!” Drake cried out, ignoring the little squawk Bridget gave out as he lunged for Riley’s phone. She looked at him with clear confusion, so he continued, “You need to turn off location services. Otherwise they will be able to track our location.” Since his little outburst had already woken up Bridget, he leaned to the side and tugged his phone out of his back pocket, turning off location services on his phone as well before rubbing his hand along the back of Bridget’s head, hoping to lull her back to sleep. After several minutes of murmuring soothing words to her, he could feel her getting heavier in his arms, and soon enough, her little eyes fluttered shut.

Once Bridget was asleep, Drake turned his head toward Riley. “Sorry,” he whispered, “I just didn’t want this all to be for nothing by giving them our exact location.”

Riley nodded, looking at a page of search results on her phone. “There’s a consulate in Thessaloniki, which is still a haul, but at least isn’t as far as Athens. How does that sound?”

Drake shook his head, “You had to renounce your American citizenship to be named duchess, remember? They aren’t going to be able to do anything for us.”

Her eyes fluttered shut as she breathed out a rough sigh. “Fuck,” she muttered, “That was my only plan.”

Sensing she was about to go back to that panicked state, Drake reached over, squeezing her knee in a manner he hoped was reassuring. “It’ll be okay. Ioannina is not too far from the border. We’ll be able to get a hotel there and lay low while we figure out next steps, okay?”

Although her eyes remained shut, she nodded, but a few stray tears spilled out of the corners of her eyes. Drake reached up and swiped them away with his thumb. This prompted Riley to open her eyes and turn more towards him, her lips pressed together tightly.

“Shhhh, we can take this one step at a time, Riley. This was never gonna go perfectly with how much that asshole fucking blindsided us,” Drake said, trying to be reassuring as he beckoned Riley to scoot closer and throwing his arm around her shoulders when she leaned up against his side.

“I just thought…” she began, but quickly trailed off when her voice started to quiver.

“I know. But we didn’t have much time to think it all through, did we?”

He felt her shaking her head against his side, so he decided to soldier on. “The way I see it, the first thing we’re gonna need to do is try and withdraw as much cash as we can from our accounts. That will prevent them from tracking our location, and if our accounts get frozen, we won’t be completely screwed.”

“Makes sense,” she whispered.

“After that, we need to stock up on some basic supplies. Diapers, toiletries, a change of clothes, some baby food, that sort of thing. We should also probably pick up a baby carrier so that we have a way to contain her but keep her with us. After that, we can find a cheap hotel, someplace where there’s little chance that someone is going to recognize a foreign duke or duchess. I think that’s a good enough start, don’t you?”

Riley just nodded, so Drake tightened his arm around her, trying to provide some comfort. “We’ll figure it out, Riley. We just gotta take it one step at a time.”

She let out a little chuckle. “When you met me, I had no problem traveling to a foreign country on a moment’s notice, not sure where I’d be staying, how long I’d be gone for, anything. It didn’t faze me in the slightest. But now, with her… I just… I’m worried, Drake. I know it’s impossible, but I want more of a plan.”

“I know. But I think this is as good as we’re going to get for now, alright?”

Before Riley could respond, Drake’s phone started buzzing and lit up on his lap. The name “Liam” flashed across the screen in white letters. Drake jerked his head around to look at Riley, her eyes wide as she reached for his phone. When he didn’t stop her or say anything, she grabbed it and swiped the red circle. But seconds later, the phone lit up again. She ignored that call as well.

“He’s not gonna give up, Riley,” Drake sighed, “It was only a matter of time before he was one hundred percent sure that we’d left the palace.”

“I know, I know. But please, can we wait to answer until we’ve crossed the border?”

“What difference is that going to make?”

She let out a big sigh before she spoke again, “He won’t be able to talk you out of doing it.”

Her words were like a punch to the gut. Again, she didn’t trust him. Again, she saw them as divided, with similar, but not the same priorities. He had to make her understand that if they were going to do this, they had to be in it together.

“Riley. If this is what you think we need to do for Bridget, this is what we are going to do, okay? Liam doesn’t get a say here. She’s our kid, not his. But we need to talk to him at some point, if only to figure out who is acting as king at the moment.”

“I know we do, but... please. Can we wait until we aren’t in Cordonia anymore?”

Drake knew they both had a lot to talk about here. This issue of her lack of trust in him wasn’t going away, and if they were fleeing the country and hiding out with basically nothing to their name, they needed to feel like they could rely on one another. But now was not the time for that discussion. So he just nodded and said, “Okay. We’ll wait,” before switching his phone to silent. Hopefully, that concession would allow her to trust him enough… for the moment.

Permatag:  @walkerswhiskeygirl   @riley--walker  @bebepac @ravenpuff02 @oofchoices @octobereighth @drakewalker04 @kimmiedoo5  @mfackenthal  @thequeenofcronuts  

The Royal Romance/The Royal Heir: @ao719 @mskaneko @katedrakeohd @jovialyouthmusic @marshmallowsandfire @axwalker @kingliam2019 @sirbeepsalot @texaskitten30 @princessleac1 @ladyangel70 @dcbbw @yaushie

Drake x MC: @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria  @iplaydrake @gibbles82 @drakewalkerisreal @notoriouscs  @drakesensworld @drake-colt-lover-99

Fight or Flight: @burnsoslow @bobasheebaby @shz256 @iaminlovewithtrr​

As I sit here, thinking about the end of supernatural, reading all the beautiful tributes and articles, I feel a very great sense of loss. Not because I believe this is the end, the real end, that’s not possible with the Winchesters, but there is something much deeper going on and I can’t quite put it into words, so maybe that’s why I’m writing it down.

Maybe it’s a little bit selfish, maybe I’m just not ready to watch to ‘the end’. Rarely has a show done this to me, and believe me, I have a ‘brand’ of television that I get into. Confession, I only started watching supernatural because someone told me that Kim Manners was a producer on it and I was a huge, I MEAN HUGE, fan of the X-files, and I didn’t feel this way when that show ended. It was also several season in before I started watching supernatural because, truth be told, I very strongly dislike ‘vampires and werewolves’ stories and what media has done to lore and historical context; I’m looking at you Bram Stoker, you started this and opened the door to things like sparkles and Stockholm Syndrome and that’s not okay. But Supernatural had something that I had been missing in TV, in life, and I very quickly became a fan...thank you for fixing vampires and werewolves by the way.

I like endings. I like beginnings. I love the journey to get from beginning to end. Maybe I am feeling something more than a loss of a show, but a loss of a way of life, a path, the road...I don’t know. To be honest Supernatural is one of the last shows that I have tuned in to on the regular, week after week, to watch because the way we watch TV has changed. The way people experience a serial show has changed. I don’t know if Supernatural would have been what it was if it had found a life on a streaming service to begin with. But they didn’t exist, or were just in their infancy when supernatural started. What I will miss the most, I think is the episodes in between. Rarely do you find a show that can start a plot episode one and carry it over many season, reinventing itself, playing off its past and building a future. It has built such a future that regardless of how it end, whether they die or they live, they will always live, they will always live in the stories that we know and the stories that we will tell. Jared and Jensen will go on to do other things, as they had done other things before this, but they will always be Sam and Dean and whenever you see their faces, your first thought will be Sam and Dean. Like Anthony Hopkins will always be Dr. Hannibal Lector (so will Mads Mikkelsen, just saying) and Colin Firth will always be My Mr. Darcy. Misha, though an antagonist to us all, is literally an angel in real life. I said what I said, change my mind.

This thing we call Gish has it’s own life now, and will continue to do great things, but we are deeply bound to our Supernatural roots. Looking back on 15 seasons, the good the bad and the ugly, (*cough* Bugs *cough*), what would the show have been if it were a max of 9 or 12 episodes a season? I mean, honesty, if you are a fan of Lucifer, who has watched it on Fox and now on Netflix, it just isn’t ringing the same. It’s good, but there is something missing and I think what that is, is the passage of time. The episodes in between the big plots, the monsters of the week, and the goofy playful, ‘I killed Hitler’ And ‘Sam hit a dog’ moments. We know a milk run is never just a milk run, that life is big and bold and in your face, even though it seems a little slow right now, and that sometimes, staring a books and computers too long is going to force you out into the world to just look for some trouble. Supernatural has taught me a lot about life and what is out there in the world, the good, the bad, the people, this planet we live on and some of our fundamental flaws as humans. Nothing is ever going to be perfect, but if we work at it, we can touch perfection. It’s the moments and the anticipations, it may also be the glimpses of joy when the world is crashing in around us.

It has been a long time, 15 seasons, 320 plus episodes, and yes it does feel like an end, but not for Supernatural, for the way we watched TV. I like a mini series as much as the next person but I don’t think you can do what supernatural did in a handful of episodes even if you can keep yourself going for as long. I don’t think a community like this will ever happen again in the same capacity because the interactions on episode night wont be the same if they just throw everything up onto a streaming service. We have been so lucky with this show and the cast’s willingness to interact with us as much as they do and recognize the power of the fandom as a force for good. Networks were always just looking for viewership, but seemed to forget that the viewers make or break a show and I feel like Supernatural found a way to take views and unite them, to appreciate the fans and see the power that people can have when hey get behind something. That wasn’t the networks doing, it was the cast, it was the fans, I think that is very obvious. So, maybe this is where my feeling come from, maybe I just don’t see how a show doing as well, doing so much good outside of the show, making money, bringing in viewers, being the longest running show of its kind, could just be cut off when there could have been so much more to be done...Do I blame the network for the fall of TV and that they are grasping at straws for an old way of viewership? Yes, yes I do. I believe that they see the streaming services have been a mighty blow to their structure, that it has made TV so much more accessible and frankly so much less annoying with no commercials, but what I think the streaming services of the world have wrong is the limited number of episode and the anticipation of a new episode week after week. Sure, I hate a hiatus as much as the next person, and when I want to watch 15 season of supernatural all in one shot, I do have the DVDs so F you Netflix for taking it down and putting it back up and taking it down again only to put it back up, I have the collection and I can watch it any time I want! But, where is my live viewing party, the gasps and shock you can literally hear over twitter. The standing and singing Carry On when you know it’s going to play. You don’t get that binge watching a show on Netflix...Supernatural is so much bigger than the money maker it was for the networks.

Truth be told, I’m kind of over TV. I rarely turn the thing on in the off season. I didn’t watch anything new this whole pandemic, but instead went back to the familiar, the comfortable. I marathoned all of the X-files in order from beginning to end with two movies, two event series, and cried over their Kim Manners tribute. (Word to the wise, it may not be the best show to watch in a pandemic with all it’s government conspiracies and alien viruses...but the 90’s fashion in the early seasons, and so many actors who we know and love from supernatural were just babies back then, and yes almost everyone is in it. Baby Crowley, Baby Lucifer, Baby Meg (First Meg not Second Meg...sorry Rachel!)) And when I was finished with The X-files I jumped right back into season one of Supernatural.

Supernatural has kept me coming back every week, and it’s been around for almost half of my life (do we even count the years you can’t remember?). I’m about as old as Sam, I was in university when I started watching supernatural but I’m also an older child and I grew up on my dad’s music, and he had a classic car that I remember but my brother doesn’t and my dad isn’t with us anymore (2012). I found so much to connect with in Supernatural, like I relate to Dean on a level that I can’t even explain; from having a little brother to pie is the superior celebratory dessert - also pie for breakfast is totally okay not because there is fruit in it but because I’m an adult and I’ll do what I want! Go team free will! Does that make me a Dean girl? I don’t think so, because You can’t have one without the other. This whole time, it has been about family, more specifically siblings. Dean isn’t Dean without Sam and Sam isn’t Sam without Dean. But yes I’m a Dean girl for other reasons.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, I doubt it, but supernatural hits the family feels, it came into my life at a time of transition, it was there when my dad died, and has been there for 15 years. Thinking back to the ‘where do you see yourself in 10 years’ question, and not being at all where I’d thought I’d be, there has been something very constant in the inconsistencies of the road so far. Remember back in season one when we didn’t even know demons were a thing and now our biggest issue is literally Chuck? What a metaphor for adult life. For dealing with this crazy world and society and all the weird that seems to be oozing out of the pours of humanity. We’ve grown with this show. I’m not going to say grown up, because I sure didn’t get any taller in 15 year, but I did evolve, and maybe in some ways I have also digressed, but we keep pressing forward because no one else is going to save my world but me.

Supernatural reminds me of so many part of my life. I saw so much of the X-Files in there, the show that formed my younger years, and was devastated when Kim Manners passed away. There was a familiarity in Supernatural. The idea of seeing Sam and Dean come back, in event series (like the x-files) gives me hope, because we know that death isn’t really death for the Winchesters, but there will be something very profoundly missing from the world going forward. Maybe it’s the last of the magic, something that I’m holding onto in my adult life from time before, the spark that has managed to light up a really strange time, and I don’t just mean 2020. Maybe its a Millennial thing, I am an elder Millennial, right on the edge of two generations and I’m not even 40 yet. I’ve lived in the 80s, 90s, 2000s, 10s and here were are almost through the first year of the 20s (its going to be a very different kind of roaring 20s but um...very similar. History repeating itself a little too literally at times)

I don’t think the Supernatural Family is going anywhere any time soon, I don’t feel like I’m losing that, but this is an end for us. Maybe it’s the end of one book and the beginning of the next. Maybe it’s now our time to carry the legend of the Winchesters forward. I can only hope that somewhere, somehow we’ll see the world expand, the characters lives on; this isn’t the end of the road, but I guess the road can only go so far. I don’t want it to be over. I feel the loss, the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes that I am fighting back even though no one is going to see them. It’s all good. All good things come to an end, or do they? Regardless, we’ll always have Tuesdays.

Carry on, everyone. I hope that you’ll be okay. Sorry for the long rambling journal entry that didn’t actually come to any real conclusions...thanks John! (Oh yeah, my dad’s name was John too...)

#supernatural #SPNFamilyForever #theroadsofar #lastdaysofSPN #theend

while i’m apparently still in confession mode for some dark reason: 

after i told that awful story yesterday about the degrading one night stand that an older male friend spent a year bullying me into, i started thinking about all the cliches that are sold to us about the sexuality of precocious young women: what it means for us to navigate the devious emotional traps set out by the jealous and covetous world around us. what i mean is, there’s this whole gothic narrative that never stops circulating, involving beautiful, talented, intelligent, sensitive young women who are advanced enough to start exploring their own desires independently, but not experienced enough to identify the (typically) older male predators who hunt them. these men take advantage of their uninformed curiosity, leveraging their prey’s desire to grow up faster in order to control, possess, and abuse them. while this narrative is inherently criminal, society never seems willing to fully denounce it, preferring to preserve its erotic potency for a wide and slavering audience. the iconography of this narrative is mostly derived from Lolita–

[which btw our cultural failure to see that book as anything other than a “love story” is really disturbing and speaks volumes about our willingness to project our grossest ideas wherever we want, even when other interpretations (like “black comedy”) are abundantly available]

–a mature but fragile adolescent with that /special something/ innocently hypnotizes a genteel older man whose sophistication belies his uncontrollable animal desire for her, which is less His Problem than it is a natural response to her beauty and charm; a  forbidden love affair ensues. when i was young, i swallowed this concept hook line and sinker, hoping it would happen to me some day! i hated dumb little boys my own age, and i felt that if some Humbert Humbert type were to flatter me with his highly curated attention, then i would know that i had truly arrived.

“sadly”, i made it through high school and college without ever knowing that validating thrill. i wasted the latter half of my 20s on an abusive relationship with a guy two years younger than me, who often argued that he should be allowed to wreck my life however he wanted because he was “less mature” than i was and deserved more leeway. as i turned 30, i met the extraordinary person i would marry. i felt a profound sense of relief, entering my 30s; i had finished with so many of my old delusions, and the pulverizing pressure to have The Time of Your Life throughout one’s 20s had finally lifted. i looked back on my youth, thinking of it as a period of dreary, pointless misery in which “nothing really happened”, good or bad. but recently, when i started to think about it with greater focus, i realized that some shit really DID happened to me. i had just completely ignored it, because i thought of it as the fruits of my own bad taste. 

throughout junior high, i had a bizarre rapport with a guy in his early 20s–”nothing happened”, as they say, but this guy was sort of a freak and a loner, and i’m probably lucky that there wasn’t a lot of opportunity for something TO happen. then my supposed best friend, jealous of even this non-event in my sad little existence, forced a relationship with a 30 year old man out of nowhere, and competitively abused my ears with a lot of gnarly details about their horrible sex life. then in high school, my first two boyfriends were both pretentious manipulative dickheads in their 20s who really had no business bothering someone who wasn’t old enough to vote. some of my friends suffered from the same problem, though we all just felt like we were becoming independent young women or something. then there’s some other stuff with an older classmate who was abundantly aware of how emotionally unstable i was, and took appalling advantage of that for a long time, and i probably won’t ever be brave enough to talk about it. then in college i briefly “dated” a guy around 50 with whom luckily nothing bad happened before i got rid of him, but like, it really wasn’t cool, looking back–he made me feel incredibly obligated, and as he only informed me mid-stream, he was married with children. then i spent the rest of college getting dragged through the mud by a guy in his 30s who used his professional clout and well-honed manipulative abilities to “take my virginity” (a phrase and concept i hate, but which applies here), which he was very excited about; it would have been best if he had just abandoned me after that, as so many assholes do, because he then cultivated a long tawdry and extremely damaging soap opera between us, the only point of which was to make trouble for his actual girlfriend, who was ALSO much younger than him. and the end of college and slightly after, i developed another intense connection with a man a few decades older, who would never quite initiate a relationship, but who was insidiously manipulative and made me feel terrible when i eventually got a real (age-appropriate) boyfriend, as if i owed him something; i later found out he did the same thing to another girl that i know, who is substantially younger. the terrible one night stand, previously discussed, was just a gross little footnote to this disgusting history…

…but the thing is, i never, at any time, felt like i had taken part in the overheated archetypal drama that society has built up around may-december romances. i didn’t even see myself as a victim of the bad behavior of adults, of people who should and did know better; i just felt separate from the whole thing, even though i had fantasized about it so much as a kid. the thing is, at the same time that the Lolita narrative is inappropriately romanticized, it does provide an opportunity to see the girl as a potential victim, a Little Red Riding Hood who enters a perilous erotic negotiation with a Big Bad Wolf. because i didn’t see myself as the heroine of my own iteration of this overly familiar story, i didn’t recognize the degree to which i’d been exploited by people who knew to use my youth and inexperience against me. i just blamed myself. and the reason for all this is really sad: i simply didn’t feel attractive. in my mind, the vulnerable nymphet was always delicate, doe-like, elegant; clothes hung on her alluring frame in a way that created a dizzying paradox between her youth and her emerging maturity; she could dance, play music, or write touching poetry; she was preternaturally irresistible even to “good men”. she had to be liv tyler in STEALING BEAUTY (*barf*) or some shit; only somebody that compelling could star as the doomed princess in society’s well-loved fairy tale about statutory rape. personally, i perceived myself as ugly, awkward, socially burdensome, and most importantly, the kind of girl who should count herself extremely lucky to be the center of anybody’s attention, even temporarily. because i didn’t see myself as a damsel in distress who deserved protection and sympathy, i failed to spot my own victimization. i thought of my history of increasingly negative and abusive encounters with older men as a matter of bad luck, bad judgment on my own part, and ultimately, “the best i could do” if i wanted any kind of affection. so i guess the irony is that if i had identified myself as a desirable dolores hayes type, then yes, i would have been in serious danger of fetishizing my own mistreatment–but on the other hand, i would have had a more realistic framework for understanding the sinister thing that was happening to me. unfortunately, the other side of the misogyny coin–not the side that turns you into a sex object, but the side that excludes you from feeling sexually worthy at all–prevented me from noticing that that awful Little Red Riding Hood cliche had already happened to me several times over.

tl;dr - when misogyny convinces you that you have nothing to steal, then it’s hard to tell when misogynists are trying to rob you.

it’s funny to start recognizing this only now that i’m approaching 40. i see a lot of young women on tumblr heroically fighting to strike a balance between enjoying their kinks and avoiding the corrupt elements in their communities–all the while trying to stay aware of how their personal history and mental health plays into this drama. some of them are way farther along in that philosophical journey than i was at their age, and i really admire the work they’re doing. i’m writing this more for the ones who don’t even know that they’re already a part of this struggle, because they haven’t learned to see themselves as desirable enough to be included in it. that is to say, i wrote this for myself; but i have a sneaking suspicion that someone else out there needs to hear it, too.

This post brought to you in part by the very beginning of CABIN IN THE WOODS, which, while not a deep film in any way, features a salient moment in which College Girl #1 tries to tell College Girl #2 that the professor who took advantage of her is a scumbag, and College Girl #2 defends him, humbly and maturely replying: “I knew what I was getting into.” The blood freezes in my veins when I think of how many times I said something like this about someone who did not deserve my defense. If you got dicked over, literally and/or figuratively, by someone older, sober-er, and/or more experienced than you, then this is your gentle reminder that you really cannot be accused of knowing what you’re getting into.

Survey #212

“counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums.”

Have you ever fired a gun? No. Have you ever tried archery? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? A day or so. Do you have any scars? Whew, a lot. I scar easily tbh, though me being so so pale probably contributes to making them more noticeable. Are you a good judge of character? I don't really know. I think so, but then again I'm very very paranoid when meeting new people and look TOO deep into how I expect someone to be. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Just British. What is your favorite accent? British generally, but I find French sooo pretty with girls, then Scottish is cool. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? I have no clue. Probably my leather boots. Can you curl your tongue? Yes, surprisingly... I just tried and I can with the slight curve in my tongue ring. Most used phrased? Probably "what a mood" or something like that lmao. Most used word? Besides the words in most sentences, I'm sure it's probably "fuck." How long does it take for you to get ready? Am I taking a shower? Then just like... less than 20 minutes. Without a shower, it's like less than ten minutes. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Both. Can you name all 50 states of America? No. I'm a sad American. Have you ever started a rumor? No. How fast can you type? I took a test awhile back for a job application purpose and it's 72 or so wpm. How fast can you run? I can tell you NOT FAST without even trying. Color of your bedspread? Navy and black. Have you ever had a really bad haircut? I don't think so. What brand, color, and type is your favorite eyeliner? I don't have one. Do you wear eyeliner? If I ever wear makeup, that's the one thing I will wear. Was there ever a time in your life when you couldn’t cry? Yes, probably early 2017. I was so numb until I started to "feel" recovery. Even as I got better, I had a hard time crying. Last year was a pretty "I can't cry"-type time, too. What’s your favorite type of yogurt? Not a fan of yogurt. What are your favorite type of calendars? I don't have one? Do you have a full-length mirror? Yes. Do you have a piggy bank? No. Do you remember your locker combinations from high school? No. What’s your favorite DIY crafts YouTube channel? I don't watch DIY crafts. Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? At my current age, bottom. What kind of popcorn is your favorite? Probably caramel corn. But buttery and salty is great too. Does your town have a big fountain in it? No. What is your town known for? Probably nothing. Do you know what you want to do for your next birthday? If yes, what is it? Hm. That's a long ways off, idk. All I know is it'd be great if Sara was here. And then there's the yearly urge to get a tattoo that day lmao. What is the last new thing you discovered that was really good? I think The Shining. Watched it for the first time and loved it. What would be the best surprise you could receive right now? Hey could I have money right now. Were there any subjects in school that were really easy for you? If so, what? English/Language Arts. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No. What is the best hairstyle you’ve ever had? I love what I currently have. Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair? Dyed hair. Do you think your look better with curly hair or straight hair? Straight. Do you have bangs? No. What’s your favorite rock band? I'd say Marilyn Manson. (I'm excluding metal, 'cuz that's a different story.) Who’s your favorite country singer? I don't mind Tim McGraw. Did you try the unicorn frappuccino, and if yes, were you a fan? I didn't. When you look at your baby pictures, do you recognize yourself? Actual baby pictures, usually no. Has your hair color changed since you were a toddler? Yes; I was born dirty blonde. Do you wear matching socks? Yeah. Do you decorate for Halloween? We don't really anymore. What is your favorite thing to do in the pool? Just swim around, relax. Have you ever taken a picture at the perfect moment? I think so. What color(s) eyeshadow do you wear the most? Only ever black. Do you see yourself as a sensitive person? I'm extremely sensitive. Do you still leave/receive voicemails? Yes. Are you a festive person? Do you enjoy holidays? I'm not very festive, no. The only holidays that really excite me are Halloween and Christmas. What is your favorite subject to learn about? Meerkats. You’re feeling down - do you listen to sad music or happy? Sad. It usually comforts me/makes me feel less alone. Even though I might cry. Is there a song or artist that you secretly enjoy, but don’t want to enjoy? I like a decent number of Blood On The Dancefloor songs. Has your parents' taste in music in any way affected what you like? Yes. When I started getting into rock naturally, I began listening to my mom's CDs, and that's when metal stole my heart. You’re looking for some new music - what’s your preferred way to discover? YouTube recommendations. Do you still own any CD’s/records/tapes? Mom has CDs. She may or may not have tapes from when my sisters and I were really young for memory's sake; we had a lot of kid ones, like Raffi. Do you ever hear a new song on TV that you like and find it? When I watched TV, yeah, rarely. Do you watch the news? No. What about the weather channel? No. What’s your favorite holiday movie? Maybe Hocus Pocus. How do you feel about adult cartoons? I don't have an opinion. Do you still watch shows that you grew up watching? No. What about movies that you grew up with? Yeah. Do you identify with any organized religion? No. If so - is it how you were raised, or have you found your own? I was raised Catholic, grew to simply a Christian, then left that behind a year or more ago. Have you ever protested or been on strike? Does not eating at Chick-fil-a count as some kind of "protest?" That place was hard to let go of, but nah man, I'm not supporting your business when your higher-ups contribute to anti-LGBT efforts and such. Is gun control necessary or no? Some degree of control absolutely is. Are you happy with the political state where you reside? HAHA no. Should abstinence or sex education be taught in schools? Education, but I do believe in heavily advising smart sexual decisions such as not just doing it with just anyone. Have you read the book 13 Reasons Why or watched the show? I read the book. Should shows like this be available to everyone or could it be a trigger? Fuck the show. Do you like animals? Of course. What is your absolute favorite food? Probably pizza. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? You don't know the half of it. I literally cried the first and last day of my last job because I couldn't find the gloves when I needed to. So yeah, I take meds, but I don't think either do very much, honestly. Who was the last person you felt you were wasting your time on? A former best friend. I cared when she didn't. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? I never in a million years thought I was going to have a bad - traumatic - breakup when I was kid because I "knew who to pick." I was so sure. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? The guy who helped in basic training with me saying "well that was a waste of my time" when my co-worker told him what was going on with me. Literally, it won't get out of my head. If a random person were to look through the photos on your phone, is there anything you’d be embarrassed about? lmao I have Mark wallpapers stored, my friend. Don't find my collection. How often do you have late nights out? Never. Ever. Do you currently have any mixed feelings about someone? As far as friendships go, yes. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No no no no no. I want a job to get OUT of my house. I know I'd be less productive, too. What were you like in middle school? Weird and probably annoying. If you could give one charity a million dollars, what charity would you donate money to? I'm not sure. I'd have to look more into ones with causes I'm passionate about. Most likely something about conservation. Would you ever be an organ donor? I am. Which do you think is harder: realizing you haven’t changed or realizing you have? The former. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? Plenty of things. Have you ever won some sort of prize or prize package from a contest? What did you win? Yeah, a few. I don't remember most; I only really remember the Silent Hill one I've mentioned before. What is something you’re surprised hasn’t been invented yet? A cure for cancer, I guess? I dunno. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Probably The Entity. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? lol by golly do I wish. I don't fucking know if I'll achieve any. What one thing has always bothered you, but seems to bother no one else? I get legitimately bothered by people going in/out the wrong door. Do you still own a VCR and VHS tapes? No. What’s your favorite color gummy bear? I don't care. What is the sexiest part of the opposite sex’s body? Shoulder blades why do I love shoulder blades????? Where do you sing the most, in the car or the shower? I dunno. Ever hurt yourself playing Wii? Probably. Do you have freckles? Not on my face. I did as a kid though. Weird. How many languages can you say “Hello” in? Three. What’s the last video game you played? So not computer? I believe... The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon? Or Shadow of the Colossus. I don't remember. Can you do the alphabet in sign language? No. Do you like your feet? I don't like feet to begin with, and I don't like mine. My feet are so dry and callused to HELL from when I used to walk all the time. I need to see a doctor to get rid of the worst ones on my toes honestly because they annoy the fuck out of me because ugly. Candles or incense? Incense. Reason behind the last time you laughed until you cried? I don't remember. Are you one who brags a lot? I don't have anything to brag about. Do you face your problems head on or do you run away from them? Depends on the problem, I guess... What is the latest you’ve stayed out before? I remember there was one night in particular with Jason where he dropped me off like... really late. Around 3 or later in the morning. I don't remember why I got home so late. Are you confrontational? AVOID! AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! COSTS! Do you stand your ground? Usually. Who do you know without a doubt cares about you? Mom, Sara, and Dad. Have you ever caught yourself talking in your sleep? For the past year and more, I've started sleep talking frequently... and yeah, I've woken up in the middle of doing it plenty of times. Did you do anything stupid/anything you regret today? I probably do something stupid every day. Little things like procrastinate on everything are certainties. Have you ever switched primary care doctors? Do not. Get me FUCKING started. On the doctor who kept me on a medication that resulted in gaining like 150 pounds and blaming it all on me. Yeah, I switched. If yes, what was the reason? lol see above. Do you ever sleep on your bedroom floor just for fun? God no. Sleeping on the floor is a last resort. Are you worried about your current financial situation? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Do you know anyone who’s had a stillbirth? Probably. Who was the last person you know (or that you know of) that died? Uhhh I'm not sure. Possibly the old lady Mom watched. Do you need a new phone? Desperately. Would you rather get a big tattoo or small tattoo? A big one. Do you identify as a supernatural being..i.e., unicorn, alien, goddess…? Uh no. What’s one thing you are tired of seeing or hearing about on Facebook? Guys I don't understand the "me and the boys" meme laskdfjalwier make it go away. What theme do you want for your wedding? Halloween-ish. What theme would you choose for a baby’s nursery? Idk. I don't want kids, so this isn't something I think about. What color would you paint a baby girl’s nursery? Pastel pink. Not for stereotypical reasons, my favorite color just happens to be pink and I think it's cute for a baby. Does your first crush know that he/she was your first crush? No. Which family member did you get your height from? Mom and I are pretty much the same height. Do you like your butt? NO I have a pancake ass. Who was the last friend of yours to have a baby, and what’s the baby’s name? An old high school friend recently had a baby named Jaspen. Are all of your friends having babies right now? I think most of my old friends have at least one kid by now. Do you know anyone who’s given birth to twins? Yes. Growing up, did you listen to country music? Yes, when my older sister started controlling the radio. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. Where were you going the first time you rode a plane? Ohio or Michigan. Do you like tomatoes? Not really, no. The only time I ever have was fresh ones with bacon and light mayo on a sandwich. What’s your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia. Do you have any ceramic animals in your house or outside? Why is there a small dolphin in the corner of our back yard?????? What annoys you more: slow talkers or slow walkers? Slow walkers. Have you ever been to a night club? No. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Something about being prone to anxiety, I guess. Do you believe in reincarnation? No. Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? Not in the slightest. What is your MBTI personality type? INFP Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? No. Is the ocean or sky prettier? Sky. Are you androgynous? No. Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? No. Well I kiss my niece's and nephew's cheeks when telling them bye, but they're the only ones. What is the youngest age you can remember back to? I have at least one memory from when I was two. Did you wear your hair in a ponytail today? It's too short for that. What job would you NEVER take, even as a last resort? Slaughterhouse worker was the first thing to come to mind. If you broke your computer, would you be able to fix it on your own? No. What was the shittiest hotel you’ve ever stayed at and why? I don't think I've stayed in a bad one... What was the first kind of alcohol you ever tasted? A daiquiri. Do you use any styling products on your hair? No. Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? No. What’s the most confusing book you ever read? Even though it's my favorite book, Johnny Got His Gun takes the cake here. The way it's written is very confusing, though I think I get why Trumbo chose such a style. Do you like your personality? I like some things, hate others. Are your legs long or short? I'd say they're proportional to the rest of my body. How many phobias do you have? A lot. Where do you think your last ex is right now? He's probably sleeping since he works 3rd shift. What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve seen in the last week? I don't know. Probably the sky during a car ride or something. Who was the last person to comfort you as you cried? My mom. When was the last time you felt like throwing up? A week ago or so when I had an anxiety attack the night before my first day of work. I got myself so worked up. Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? For the two fucking hours I lasted at my last job lmao. Do you use the Facebook chat often? No. Do you own a robe? What color is it? Nope. Who ended your last relationship? Me. Do you still remember your first kiss? Yeah. Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? Yeah, other than being long-distance. How many kids do you want to have? None. Have you ever purposely given someone the wrong number? No. Who’s the last person you smoked weed with? I haven't. Though by this point in my life, I wish NC would catch up with the times and legalize it medicinally because I've given up enough to turn to that for my anxiety. Who was the last person you talked to, other than family? My old VR coach. When was the last time you flew in a plane? Last December. Is there a girl you absolutely can not stand? No. At least not off the top of my head. Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? No, I was that person lmao. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Yes. Say your last ex walks up to you and hugs you, what do you say? We're still friends, so. At the current time, a random hug from him would probably make me cry though because he's not very affectionate and I haven't been stable for days. I need the comfort alsdjfakljwer Who was the last baby you held? It's probably been like a year since I've held a baby when I was still friends with Colleen. But y'all my sister is pregnant & next year GUESS WHO I'M HOLDING. Do you have any siblings that moved away to college? She did, but she's long since graduated. Who was the last person who cried around you? I'm sure it was Mom. What was the last thing you cried about? My life. Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Tyler. Would you rather have nice eyes or nice lips/smile? Smile, I suppose. Do you have a common first name? Yes. Do you like your middle name or your first name more? My first, I guess. Do you wear more rings or necklaces? I always have a ring on. Have you ever been engaged? No. Can you see your veins through your skin? In some areas. Did your parents let you have pets when you were a kid? Yes. Do you like spicy chips? Yes. What band was on the last band t-shirt you wore? Metallica. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Yes. Have you ever owned or known someone who owned a black cat? Both. Who scheduled your last doctor visit? My mom. I don't drive, so she drives me around, and so things have to fit into her busy schedule. So she just does it. Do you have any holiday themed socks? True shit, I think most of mine are, lmao... Like you know, socks are a common gift on Christmas. What’s the last funny movie you watched? Idr. Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? Yes. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? I'd say it depends on the person, but in general, I suppose snakebites? What brand of hair dye do you prefer to use? Splat is the only brand that has ever stuck to my hair. Lasted months. Did/do you ride the bus to and from school? Only Jason's junior and senior years sometimes to go to his house. Are you any good at applying make up? No. I have tremors in my hands, and it makes it an absolute nightmare. Are you someone who likes to make simple things difficult? I certainly don't try to, but I somehow always end up doing it. What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? Rolls and honey ham. And that is /literally/ it. I don't like Thanksgiving food. Do you like Techno music? Yeah. Is your second toe longer than your big toe? They're like the exact same length. Do you say "merry Christmas" or "happy holidays?" The former. Who do you talk to on the phone most often? Mom. What’s the best concert you’ve ever been to? I've only ever been to Alice Cooper, but it was great. I'm supposed to be seeing Ozzy plus supposedly Judas Priest and Megadeth (you're not allowed to die, Dave) next year, and that. That will be. My preview into Heaven. I will sob. How did you meet your best friend? Over YouTube via the meerkat RP community. Do you need money to be happy? Try living really poor and come back to me claiming money can't ever buy happiness. What is something you do well? Dig way, way too deep into absolutely anything and everything. What’s a good idea you’ve had recently? I've started to count calories on top of fasting. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Ahhhhh, cinnamon rolls. How far in advance do you prefer to plan? For most things, a few days or a week. Bigger things, maybe like a month+? How many slices of pizza do you usually eat? 2-3, depending on my appetite. Would you like to live in a different country? If so which one? I wouldn't move there, not with all my family and such here, but I think living in Canada would be better sometimes. Do you prefer the aisle, middle, or window seat on a plane? I strongly prefer the window seat; I've found that if I'm not looking out the window and the plane changes altitude or direction (takeoff is the worst), I get VERY dizzy. I usually always wind up in the middle seat, and there and in the aisle seat, I have to close my eyes at times like those. What’s your favorite song from a movie? As far as original songs, probably "Be Prepared" from The Lion King. A goddamn beat. What’s your favorite city? I haven't been to many. Idk. Who was the last person to ask you to hang out? Did you agree to hang out with them? Hell, I have no idea. Is there a food that you eat basically every day? What food is that? I usually have a granola bar as a snack or even just a meal in place of breakfast or lunch. Is there a food you eat that others find weird or gross? I grew up sometimes eating waffles with peanut butter and syrup as Dad loved it. It's definitely different, but it's absolutely delicious. What was the last fast food restaurant you went to? Did you get anything? If so, what? I think Sonic? I got a double bacon cheeseburger. I fell in love with their burgers. Can you remember the first video game you ever played? What about your first video gaming system? I'm not sure, but it was probably Spyro The Dragon. My first gaming system was a PS1. The last video game you played - did you play alone or with someone else? Alone. If there is a disc in your computer, what disc is it? There isn't one. Do you shut down your computer every time after you use it, or do you leave it on? I leave it on. Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? No. Describe the last shirt you saw that you really liked. Where did you see it? Omg I saw this shirt online of a really cool demonic pig that said something like "Save the animals, eat humans." It was actually a vegan shirt, but I nevertheless wanted it, lol. I support veganism, but yeah... I could never do it. But anyway, it was too expensive. Do you live in a very diverse community? Not really, no. Do you know anyone who has had salmonella? Did you ever have it yourself? What about e-coli? No; no; no. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? Sigh. We put Cali down. Something ruptured in her abdomen and there was also a mass on her liver or gallbladder, and her abdomen was filling with blood. It compressed her lungs so much she could barely breathe. Surgery was extremely expensive, but more importantly, we were told it likely wouldn't save her. Do you get motion sick easily? If so, does it prevent you from going on any rides at amusement parks? I've never gotten motion sickness, but I don't risk that shit with amusement park rides or boats out at sea. I'm terrified of vomiting. Do you have any bug bites on you right now? If so, where? No. Have you ever made your way through a corn maze? No. Name something that you used to do with your family that you no longer do with them or at all? Easter egg painting. Have you seen Inception yet? Thoughts on that movie? I never saw it.

doctor!joshua

requests: open

joshua x reader

~ - fluff

word count: 1.7k

masterlist

josh was the doctor that everyone wanted

he was sweet and gentle enough to work with the young children

he understood how awkward being a preteen is

he was goofy enough for the teens, sarcastic enough for the 20-somethings, mature enough for the adults, and reminded the older patients of when they were young

you were the secretary for his office, so you always had to be the one to break the news to people who were trying to schedule appointments with josh that he was booked for the next month

of course, if one of the patients was being extremely persistent, you would ask josh and he’d be more than willing to stay late or come in early to see them

he’s the kind of person that will do what he can to ensure that everyone is happy

even if that means barely getting any sleep

honestly, you have no clue how he functions

he works three days each week in his office seeing patients and two days working in the hospital, doing whatever they need him to do

the amount of times he has told you about a nasty wound that came into the emergency room while you were having lunch is way more than enough for you

he was also incredibly nice to all of the nurses

the main nurse he worked with at his office was an older lady

she would tell you about her grandchildren and stories of her and her husband from back in the day while she was waiting for the next patient to come

you, the nurse, and josh would always have lunch together

she would be sure to bring a dessert for both you and josh because she knows how people your age are

always rushing and never taking the time to fully enjoy life

she’d always scold josh for never giving himself time to relax

every time she said this, he would look at you and say, “the world we live in doesn’t let you have time to relax”

you’d giggle and continue eating your lunch, slightly nodding your head in agreement

some days josh would forget to pack a lunch

this typically happened when he worked at the hospital the night before

on these days he’d walk up to your desk and say, “hey, y/n, i kinda forgot my lunch again today…would you want to go out and get something together? on me”

even if you packed your lunch, of course you’d say yes

he’d smile so wide and excitedly say, “okay! i’ll go get our jackets”

you’d grin to yourself and get up to ask the nurse if she’d like to come

she’d say, “no, dear, you two can go ahead” as josh was walking up behind you with jackets in hand

as the two of you began to walk away, you’d see the nurse smiling at you with a look in her eyes you couldn’t quite put your finger on

you’d be lying if you said you didn’t have at least a little bit of a crush on josh

everyone who left the office had a crush on him

every day you’d hear teenagers leaving saying, “mom, can i keep coming to this doctor? he was kind of cute”

young children telling their parents that they “want to marry someone like that doctor one day”

and almost every senior citizen that came in would tell you how lucky you are to work with him

you’d always nod your head and agree because you truly were lucky to work with him

he was kind, funny, caring, intelligent, and not to mention pretty attractive

not only were you lucky to know him because of his amazing personality, but it also came in handy sometimes to know someone that’s a doctor

one day, you were getting some paperwork done, having about an hour or so to get ahead since josh’s 11:00 appointment cancelled at the last minute

josh was in the back, probably working on an article he was writing for a medical journal

you started to staple some papers together, but realized that there were no more left

you checked your desk drawer for another box, but found nothing

getting up from your chair, you slowly walked back to the supply room

you rubbed your face, trying to wake yourself up since you were awake basically all night watching a new show you’re obsessed with

you didn’t think that you were watching until 3:00am until you actually looked at the clock

at this point you were running on caffeine

you went into the supply room and began rummaging around for the box of staples

in the process of doing so, you accidentally knocked down a box with some scalpels in it

it was very rare that josh had to use these, but nevertheless they were still necessary to have in the office

“y/n, is everything alright?” you heard josh call out

“yeah, everything’s fine” you called back

you quickly picked up the metal utensils and found the staples

on your way out, you must have tripped on the unraveled extension cords laying on the floor because before you knew it you toppled to the ground and staples were scattered everywhere

you lifted yourself up and let out a sigh

you looked up to see josh quickly walking up to the entrance of the room

“y/n, what happened?” he asked, somewhat laughing

“i was looking for staples and then this happened” you said motioning to the area around you

he laughed again and walked towards you, rolling the sleeves of his dress shirt up

he started to help you pick up the little pieces, but then he grabbed your arm

“y/n, you’re bleeding” he said

a little shocked and somewhat nervous because you didn’t feel any sort of injury other than the fall, you looked down to see a long cut running down your forearm

with wide, concerned eyes you looked up at josh

“it’s okay, it seems as if you just fell on this when you fell” he said pointing to a scalpel laying on the floor

you thought you picked all of them up, but to your dismay, you didn’t

josh helped you up, telling you to grab onto him if you started to feel faint

you didn’t think the cut would impact you as much as it did, but once you stood up, you started to feel a little light headed

it’s not that you didn’t like blood, you just weren’t a huge fan of it…especially when it was coming out of your body

you put your arm out and leaned up against the wall

“c’mon, y/n, lean into me. we gotta get you somewhere to sit” josh basically whispered so closely to your ear, you could feel his breath

maybe you weren’t light headed because of your wound, but because of the close proximity of you and josh

he helped you get to a bed in one of the back rooms

you tried to use your good arm to life yourself up, but you weren’t as successful as you’d liked to have been

josh noticed and lightly placed his hands on your waist, “jump” he said and lifted you up onto the bed

you sat on the bed, watching his back as he gathered some supplies to take care of your wound

he turned around and your eyes met, but you quickly looked away

he put some hydrogen peroxide on a cotton ball and said, “this may sting a little…you can squeeze onto my arm if you need to”

you looked back up and his and gave him a little reassuring smile to let him know you were ready

you left your hand on your lap, not thinking you’d need to squeeze onto anything, but boy were you wrong

right when he placed the cotton ball on your arm, you immediately reached up and grabbed josh’s forearm, taking a sharp breath in

he looked up at you with his kind eyes

he didn’t have to say anything, you knew what his reassuring look meant

he finished cleaning up the wound, then grabbed some gauze and wrapping to complete everything

he walked to you and stood between your legs

this was the closest you two had ever been

of course there were lingering touches in the office

like when you were scheduling a follow up appointment with a patient and josh came up behind you, placing a hand on your back for a little longer than what would be considered professionally appropriate

or the times you’d catch him looking at you while he was reviewing a patient’s file, looking away and smiling to himself once you locked eyes

there was definitely…something between you two, but you never really knew what it was because you never talked about it

neither of you made a move

“there. all fixed up” he said, looking up at you, only several inches away from your face

“th-thanks” you basically whispered, due to the unexpected closeness between the two of you

you just sat there for several seconds, not knowing what to do

eventually you slid off of the bed

“well, um, thank you for fixing me up” you said, holding up your arm. “i should probably get back to work now, your next appointment should be here soon”

you quickly turned around and started walking back to your desk

just as you were about to turn the corner, you heard josh call out, “hey, y/n”

you turned around to see him leaning up again the doorway

“i think that i should probably drive you home tonight…ya know since you were feeling kind of light headed. that’s just my professional opinion” he said

you looked down at your shoes and tried to keep from blushing, “well, doctor, i better trust your professional opinion. maybe it would help if you took me to eat something?”

josh smiled, catching on, leaning his head onto the door frame, “yes, of course. that’s probably what’s best for your recovery”

you smiled at him and laughed, “thank you so much, doctor. i don’t know what i would’ve done if you didn’t come in and save me” then you turned the corner and dropped down into your chair

you couldn’t help the smile form on your face as you thought about how you ended up having to injure yourself to get a date with josh

but it was all worth it

OC Interview Meme

fI was tagged by the wonderful @sakurabunnie and @stumblingsbalderdash ~ Thank you both 

For Hadiden Lavellan

1. What is your name?

“Some people call me ‘Herald.’ I suppose that’s one name. Also, Inquisitor, Master Lavellan. Names and titles tend to blend together nowadays.”

2. What is your real name?

“Hadiden Edrin Lavellan.”

3. Do you know why you were called that?

“I’m not sure about my first name, something my mother came up with, or grandmother. My middle name is a namesake for my father’s brother. His brother was made tranquil at an early age, so he gave me his name as a reminder and a legacy.”

4. Are you single or taken?

“It’s that a bit intrusive?” Hadiden smiles. “Taken, for the record.”

5. Have any abilities or powers?

“Abilities or powers, huh. I’m a skilled hunter from my clan, learning to hunt at age five. I’m trained with daggers, but I’m best with a bow. I can sneak along the forest ground, in the trees, or on the street. I once learned how to pickpocket as well. Though, those are all taught abilities. I also wield power from the Fade, technically making me a mage. I can summon ice and fire the best, though I know a few healing spells. I could ramble about this all day, if given the chance. Does this not bore you?”

6. Stop being a Mary Sue.

“Is that an insult?”

7. What’s your eye color?

“I’ve been told I have blue eyes, as bright as the sea and as dazzling as the sky on a perfect summer’s day. In reality, they look like a normal blue to me.”

8. How about your hair color?

“Very blond, like a sunflower. I think I get it from my mother since my father’s hair is a couple shades darker.”

9. Have you any family members?

“Aside from Clan Lavellan itself, my parents and grandmother are my blood family in the clan. My grandfather on my mother’s side passed on a couple years ago. My father’s parents are dead. As far as I know, my father’s brother, Edrin, is still alive in Kirkwall. I heard a rumor from Varric that I also have a cousin, a young mage woman, in Kirkwall. I haven’t met her yet, but she would also be family.”

10. Oh? What about pets?

“I didn’t really have pets in my clan. There was one halla that I had brought to the clan that I liked the most. She was a sweet thing. With the Inquisition, I have a pet hart that I take to the field. She’s a beautiful and powerful creature, whom I adore. I also have a pet nug, but don’t tell Josie.”

11. That’s cool I guess, now tell me about something you don’t like.

“This is going to sound weird, but I don’t like my magic. I refuse to admit that I am a mage.”

12. Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing?

“I can’t really read or write. I do, however, like drawing. I like drawing, walking through the forest, hiking, and sometimes baking. If I’m not doing any of those, I like to practice my archery.”

13. Ever hurt anyone before?

“I would prefer not to answer this one. It’s not an easy topic for me.”

14. Ever… killed anyone before?

“I hunt animals, so if those count, yes. It wasn’t until I was traveling to the Conclave and joined the Inquisition that I saw blood from a person.”

15. What kind of animal are you?

“I’ve been told a fennec fox. I’m going to assume because it has light fur and big ears.”

16. Name your worst habits.

“I tear at my nails when I’m nervous.”

17. Do you look up to anyone at all?

“I look up to my mother. Before she got hurt, she was a very skilled hunter. I dreamed of being as good as she was once I was old enough to hunt.”

18. Gay, straight, or bisexual?

“A very close friend once said, ‘I prefer the company of men.’ Does that answer the question?”

19. Do you go to school?

“My schooling came in the form of stories being told by our Harhen, my grandmother, and lessons in hunting under my mother and father. I would spend the day outside, practicing or listening to guidance. Once I joined the Inquisition, I was given a tutor to learn to read and write. That same tutor also helped me develop control on my magic.”

20. Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day?

“Figuring I can’t really have kids biologically, I hadn’t put much thought into it. I never really thought about marriage as a teenager or young adult. Considering who I am with now, if time and the future allows, I would adore settling down with him and taking care of children some day.”

21. Do you have any fanboys/fangirls? “Fan what now? If you mean the followers that believe I’m sent from the Maker, then yes. What is a fanboy or fangirl?”

22. What are you most afraid of?

“Losing control of my magic.”

23. What do you usually wear?

”Leggings that I normally wear for hunting, an tunic or large shirt, and no shoes. Sometimes Josephine will have me wear something formal for guests, or I will walk around Skyhold in my armor. It really depends.”

24. Do you love someone?

“I do,” Hadiden stutters and blushes. “I suppose he already knows.”

25. When was the last time you wet yourself?

“Wet myself?” Hadiden asked. “If we’re talking about spilling water on oneself, then last week. If we’re talking about urinating myself, I haven’t done that since I was around six or seven.”

26. Well, it’s not over yet!

“These things are never over it seems. Go on.”

27. What class are you? (High class, middle class, low class)

“I would suppose lower class. The Dalish don’t have a caste system really, though the humans would consider us poor. That’s fine. I liked how I lived. Once I was named Inquisitor, however, I was raised to a nobility title. I have power that is equal to that of the Empress or King of Fereldan.”

28. How many friends do you have?

“My whole clan, though I consider them more family than friends. But I would say, outside of my clan, I have about five or six really close friends.”

29. What are your thoughts on pie?

“I once stole a pie from the kitchen once because I didn’t want it to be served and I not get a slice. I think that says my opinion on pie.”

30. Favourite drink?

“I enjoy tea when I can get it. I drink a lot of water, try to avoid alcohol, and tea is very nice when I’m trying to relax. There was this drink, I think it was coffee, and I really enjoyed that.”

31. What’s your favourite place?

“The forests in the Free Marches. Those will forever be considered home to me. Since they’re so far, I really like the Emerald Grave and the mountains of Skyhold. Skyhold’s mountains turn into a fantasy land during the spring.”

32. Are you interested in someone?

“I would use a stronger word than interested,” he laughs. “But yes, there is someone.”

33. What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy?

“I’ll leave that one to the imagination.”

34. Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean?

“A lake. I prefer fresh water over salt water. I always get sand in my mouth when I’m at the ocean.”

35. What’s your type?

“My type of what? Weapon? Animal? Man? Can I get clarification?”

36. Any fetishes?

“What’s a fetish? Is that some kind of fish?”

37. Seme or uke? Top or Bottom? Dominant or Submissive?

“Oh- wait,” Hadiden stammers. “Those last two were sex related weren’t they? Dear Creators.” Hadiden’s face turns a bright red. “I would rather not say. That seems like a very invasive question.”

38. Camping or indoors?

“I could stay outside for the rest of my life if I was told to. I love being outdoors, under the stars, free. Though, I will admit, I do enjoy warm beds and warmer blankets in the winter.”

39. Are you wanting the interview to end?

“I can handle a few more questions. I feel as though most of these questions will no doubt end up in one of Varric’s books, however.”

40. Now it’s over!

“Oh! Surprising! I’ll be here if you wish to ask me anything else!”

Here we are! An ask meme after a long break! For now, I’m only going to tag two people. If anyone else would like to do this, tag me in it so that I can see it later :D  I’m tagging: @mommydragon-of-all and @the-ultimate-french-fry

Repose

Chapter 14/?

Rated M (adult themes, mentions of sex, seeping beauty au)

word count: 2438 / 40,051

Read on AO3

Excerpt: Phil had never felt fear like this. The room closed in, his heart beat in his ears. Tears sat in his eyes but couldn’t spill over. His arms and legs prickled with adrenaline but he felt frozen in place. He ran to his room, pulling out his dresser drawer and dumping the contents onto the carpet. Rifling through, he found Dan’s Versace t-shirt and held it to his chest. Finally, the sobs broke through and he fell to his knees, crying into the shirt with a painful force. 

Chapter 14

The morning was beautiful. It had rained overnight and the world outside Phil’s window was clean and bright. He had gone to bed early, eager for a new day to spend with Dan. There was so much he wanted to tell him. He’d found a poem he thought Dan would like and had printed it to bring along and read aloud. He thought he might bring a few books to read as well. He chose the Outsiders to start with. It seemed like the kind of thing they could quote to each other later and he’d never read it so it would be new to both of them. Up earlier than usual, he took his time drinking his coffee and watched Louise’s new video. Everything felt normal, more normal than it had in a while and he basked in it. Picking up his phone, he rang his mum.

“Child.” Kath’s cheerful tone brought Phil right home.

Phil called his mother most weeks but hadn’t done since he’d first got the news about Dan.

“Mum, I’m sorry I haven’t called in a while. I’ve been busy, distracted.” Phil wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to hear her calm reassurances and her inevitable cheer leading. Instead he told her that he wanted to her soon, that they’d have to meet for breakfast because his days were full.

“Breakfast? So around noon then?” Kath jabbed at Phil but he just said, “No mum, I have to be home by noon.”

He told her he wanted to tell her what’s been going on for him, that he had good news but that it was too long a story to tell on the phone. He was done hiding. If he was going to fight this fight, he needed his family on his side. Kath was baffled at the mystery and the serious tone but she agreed and they made a date for the following week. When he ended the call Phil sat satisfied and feeling like today was the first day of something new. Something was going to change, he could feel it in his bones. He absolutely couldn’t wait to get in that car with Dennis. Phil glanced as his kitchen clock. 12:20. He’d talked to his mum longer than he thought, though that always happened with them.

Dennis had never been late before. He ran downstairs to see if maybe he didn’t hear the knock but there was nothing. No car at the curb, no Dennis. Maybe there was an accident on the road, traffic. He went back upstairs and sat on the sofa, waiting.

12:30. 12:45.

He had no way to reach Dennis, no way of knowing what was going on unless someone contacted him. 12:55. Phil’s stomach twisted into knots. He held his breath and opened Twitter on his phone. Just the usual cursed prince tabloid nonsense.

1:00.

If something happened to Dan, how would he know. He felt sick. If something had happened to Dan. What if he took a turn for the worse? They wouldn’t just leave Phil here, not knowing, would they? They wouldn’t let him find out in some awful Twitter headline that Dan had… He stop mid thought, unwilling to even consider the possibility that Dan could be gone.

1:10.

He picked up his phone and called Louise.

“Hey! They let you keep your phone today! Does this mean I get photos?” Louise was her usual chipper self but Phil broke at the sound of her voice.

“Lou, I’m not there. They didn’t come. What do I do Louise? Oh my god, what if he died? What if he died and they just aren’t coming?” Phil was near hyperventilation. He couldn’t catch his breath.

“Phil, listen.” Louise spoke slowly. “I’m on my way. We’ll go together and get to the bottom of this. Phil, breath for me sweetie. I need to know you're safe on your own till I get there.”

Phil took deep, slow breaths, gaining some small measure of control. “Ok, ok. I’m ok. I’ll be ok. Hurry Lou.”

Phil had never felt fear like this. The room closed in, his heart beat in his ears. Tears sat in his eyes but couldn’t spill over. His arms and legs prickled with adrenaline but he felt frozen in place. He ran to his room, pulling out his dresser drawer and dumping the contents onto the carpet. Rifling through, he found Dan’s Versace t-shirt and held it to his chest. Finally, the sobs broke through and he fell to his knees, crying into the shirt with a painful force. He stayed on the floor of his bedroom, playing through all the possibilities in his head. None of them were good. He heard the door slam and Louise called out, “Phil!”

When he look up, she walked past him and set a box on the bed. “This was outside your door. It’s addressed to you.”

Phil swallowed hard and stood. He shook so violently, he found it difficult to pull the tape off the box. For a long moment, he just stared at the still closed cardboard flaps.

“Phil, love, do you want me to…” Louise stepped forward but Phil held up his hand and shook his head. He carefully lifted one flap and then the others. When he saw what was inside, Phil gasped, his hand flying up to cover his mouth. The bottom of the box was littered with dirt from Loki’s pot, which lay on it’s side. The candles were there and the fairy lights, among broken glass from Phil’s terrarium. Everything was here, everything except Buffy. Phil reached in carefully and pulled out Loki, scooping as much dirt back in as he could manage, and straightening the little cactus in it’s tiny red pot. Phil stood tall, pulled his shoulders back, and wiped his tears. He closed the box and walked to the window, setting Loki on the sill, then turned to look at Louise.

“I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Phil had grown accustomed to waking up with Dan in his bed. His body was aware of the absence before his brain was fully awake. He fluttered his eyes open to see a blurry figured leaned against the doorway, arms folded like a catalog model.

“Dan?” Phil said, his voice thick with sleep. He reached for his glasses and put them on, with the sole purpose of seeing Dan. He couldn’t care less if the whole world was blurry so long as Dan came into focus.

“What are you doing?”

Dan’s smile was reserved but genuine. “Watching you sleep.”

“Ok creeper.” Phil joked, though his heart flipped, it’s one of those things people say in romantic stories and you laugh and roll your eyes. It’s not romantic, it’s creepy. Except it was romantic. If only because Phil understood the impulse. If he had a choice, his gaze would always fall on Dan. He had a twisting pain in his neck from sleeping half sitting up with Dan snuggled into his arms. He stretched and arched, cracking and popping, trying to set things back where they belong.

Dan just watched.

“You’re dressed.” Phil stated the obvious, disappointed at what that must mean.

“I have to go. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you, we were up so late.” Dan smirked, a light blush in his cheek.

“OK. Will you be back tonight?”

Dan shook his head, wistful. “I have to spend some time with my grandmum tonight. I promised.”

“Your grandmum? You’re hanging with the queen tonight?” Phil thought he’d never get used to these abrupt reminders of Dan’s actual position in life.

“I am. She wants to discuss university, my future, you know.” Dan shrugged. “I wish I could bring you. You are my future after all. It seems ridiculous to discuss any of it without you.” Dan’s phone rang out and he huffed. “I have to go before Dennis has a literal baby out there. I’ll see you tomorrow after work, ok?”

Phil nodded and smiled into the kiss Dan leaned in for.

Dan whispered I love you and left. The words drifted through Phil’s mind like soft waves at low tide, rushing in, idling out, rushing in, idling out. He heard his front door close and heard himself whisper I love you too to the empty room.

Dan was the kind of person that should listen to jazz and Brian Eno and paint in the middle of the night. He was the kind of person who chains himself to a bulldozer to save a century old tree. That’s how Phil saw him anyway. Designer trousers and penthouse parties and living in a literal castle didn’t suit him. As privileged as he seemed, and he was so careful to own his privilege, his life was oppressive to him. Phil’s free spirit, his self actualized vision for his life, it was more than Dan could ever hope for. He admired Phil and he envied him in a way.

He spent days off poking around the flat, exploring and learning Phil in more and more detail. Phil learned Dan too. He learned how he takes coffee and he memorized what he sounds like when he sleeps. He learned that he’s an incredibly loud and competitive gamer but that he smiles proudly when Phil finally beats him. And he learned that Dan’s circumstance and his family dynamic had invited more demons into Dan’s life than he could handle sometimes. He learned how to hold him and talk him through when those demons got too demanding.

When Dan showed up in the evening, his cheeks were red and he barely held back his tears.

“Dan?” Phil pulled him close held him in his arms. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

Dan pulled away and paced the room, running his hand through his hair. “I can’t fucking do this anymore. I don’t want to. This isn’t who I am.” Phil watched as Dan moved about the room, manic. “But it is who I am, isn’t it? They groomed me like every prince before me, why do I have to want more? Why can’t I just be one of them so it doesn’t have to feel like this?”

“What happened?” Phil asked, trying to keep himself calm in the face of Dan’s distress.

“Paps spotted Dennis outside your place. Who knows how long they’ve been watching. They waited outside the shelter. Obviously, Dennis got me out a different way but they were out there, yelling. Asking what I’ve been up to, am I dating a commoner, am I gay? It always comes back to the gay question.” Dan stopped and sat on the sofa, looking up at Phil, his voice shook, “They stood outside a battered women’s shelter Phil. Shouting. And it’s my fault, because I won’t just grow up and fall into line, I brought that chaos to a place that’s supposed to be safe.”

Phil’s embrace knocked down Dan’s defenses and he sobbed, letting himself be held. Phil rocked and shushed him, fighting back his own tears. “It’s not your fault. I’ve got you. I’m here.”

Dan gathered himself, pulling back to look at Phil. “Phil I’m so sorry, Dennis’ threats will keep them at bay for a couple days but they’ll be back. They’ll wait outside your door. Fuck. This shit just follows me everywhere. I’m fucking poison Phil.”

“Stop it Dan. I won’t let you do that. You didn’t ask for any of this.”

“Well I certainly didn’t do anything to prevent it.”

“You spend every day helping people, every day. Then you come here and you make me happier than I’ve ever been. You’re not poison, you’re everything.” Phil’s voice cracked a bit and he drew in his own shaky breath, trying hard to keep it together for Dan but failing. “Let them wait, I never go outside anyway. In a couple days, we’ll both be gone for Christmas. We’ll wait it out. It’ll be ok.”

Dan cried into Phil’s t-shirt till there were no tears left then followed Phil into bed where he slept. It was the deep sleep of exhaustion and truly letting go, the kind that comes when the one you’re with is wide awake, holding space, helping you carry the heavy load.

They spent the next day their favorite way, in bed. The mood was heavy but they had each other and it was ok. They ordered every meal in and watched their favorite Christmas movies, Gremlins and Die Hard, not quite catching the ending of either of them. In between, they talked. Topics like the queen’s opinion on Dan’s future, university, and paparazzi, were off limits. Instead, they discussed the colors in Phil’s eyes and how he once ate fish food as a kid. They talked about the wonderful nanny that cared for Dan and Adrian as kids and how she bakes the most amazing mince pies. They listed all the places they wanted to travel to together. Tomorrow morning Dan and Dennis would drive Phil to the ferry to the Isle of Man and Dan would be on his way to Windsor to spend Christmas with his family. They’d be apart for just shy of two weeks but it sounded like an eternity.

Winter mornings meant bright, glaring sun through the window. Dan rolled away from light and into the warmth of Phil. Phil always slept so deeply with Dan there in his bed. He didn’t even stir as Dan hooked his leg around his, pressing himself close to Phil’s side, nuzzling his nose into Phil’s neck, breathing in gingerbread scented body wash. Dan pressed his lips there, feeling the rhythm of Phil’s pulse and there was a hum of sweet satisfaction in response. Phil turned his body toward Dan and his arms enveloped this treasure of his.

“It’s not daytime. Go back to sleep.” He murmured, squinting as he opened his eyes..

“It is daytime, it’s bright in here.” Dan answered.

“Close the blinds, we can pretend it’s night and then we don’t ever have to go.” Phil held Dan as tight as he could.

“Just close your eyes.” Dan said and he kissed each of Phil’s eyelids as they fluttered shut. “There. It’s night. We have nowhere to be.” Dan’s lips met Phil’s and they kissed, slowly first, then building in tension and heat.

Phil moved his lips across Dan’s jaw and and bit at his earlobe. “Good. I wanna give you something to think about when we’re apart.” At those words, he disappeared under the duvet and the quiet house filled with Dan’s sighs. Dennis would just have to wait a little bit longer.

Casually dating a werewolf

Pairing: DiaRiko

Word count: 2,764

Hello so this is based on the diariko werewolf au in which dia is dating a big woof!riko I’ve mentioned a couple of times and spoke about a lot on twitter! This kind of like an experimental oneshot, I guess? I just wanted to write something really badly and it ended up being....really fluff. Anyways I’ve been thinking about writing somewhat(?) linear short stories for it and have this like an introduction or something, so ya! The au itself is still being polished. Big thanks to Michelle and Robin for taking time of their lives to proofread and help polish it up I owe u a lot

Anyways hope u guys like dia being a furry

The evening was especially peaceful for Dia Kurosawa, seeing as it was one of few rare occasions where she got to relax. Mixing between college classes, part time job at the pet store, and social life she miraculously has is more exhausting than she ever expected, and that’s not including the studying and work around home she did in between.

It felt like she finished high school only yesterday, excited about her independence and everything that came along with being an adult. If only she could turn back the clock and have at least one day where her biggest worry was finishing homework on time. Now she’s here at 20, living alone with her younger sister. Despite it all, there was nothing she could find to complain about. As messy as it could get, her life felt fine the way it was.

She was alone on this Saturday evening, phone ignored on the side whenever she’d see Mari’s name pop up with a new text message, assuming it was yet another on of her “ wish you were here with us :( “ selfies that she keeps sending in a poor attempt to still convince her to come out of her home. Dia however, decided hours ago to spend this time in silence with calming music and a good book in her hand.

Her moment of peace was broken by ruckus outside, loud enough to catch her attention. She gazed towards the small yard, brows furrowing. Ruby returned from her date about an hour ago, and it was easy to assume by now she was asleep in her room. Maybe she’d shrug it off, if the clanking on the trash bins didn’t happen again.

Of course, this was Dia, so going out there to check wasn’t happening without caution. In a rushed moment, she decided to grab a frying pan before making her way to the glass door that lead outside. Her eyes squinted by reflex so her vision could adjust to the pitch darkness, and when she heard rustling around the bushes she spent her free time tending to, she raised her pan higher. However a few steps was all it took for her to spot the familiar tuft of dark fur…  yes, fur.

Her shoulders relaxed, and she released a relieved sigh.

“Riko-chan.”

As soon as she called out, a big wolf-like head perked up from the bush along with a pair of large round amber eyes shining with excitement. The game of hide and seek was over, and Riko pushed her way out of the bush and paced over to the one who cautiously found her.

They were now eye to eye, Riko tilting her head down in order to do so. Dia smiled warmly. It was almost like she wasn’t facing a furry, pointy-snouted, sharp toothed monster that was taller than her by almost a head; the sight of which would make any man run away in fear.  Especially in the dark.

And why would she do so, when this was none other than her adorable, sweet girlfriend?

Dia herself wasn’t sure how it happened either. It was a while ago that she learned the truth about the shy, flustered girl that became a regular at the pet store she worked at is in fact a werewolf. It wasn't easy to take it in, but it wasn't as hard to accept as she thought it would be. Like anyone she was aware of monsters’ existence due to the town’s (sometimes) friendly attitude, but had only actually known one prior to meeting Riko.

There were many things she still didn't know. She didn't understand why it was when the moon was full that the transformation was unavoidable, or how she grew taller whenever it happened (though it did explain why she wore clothes a size or two bigger). But one thing she did know; somehow she had developed feelings for Riko over the course of the time they’d known each other.

She gingerly extended her hand, and Riko immediately buried her snout into the warm touch with a nuzzle. The brunette frowned upon realization she must've been lonely, as it was Riko’s own decision to isolate herself during the full moon for reasons she never spoke about. Although Dia was willing to bet it was due to her insecurities.

Pulling closer, she rested her own forehead against Riko’s fuzzy one, and the the amber orbs blinked in content as she nudged forward affectionately. This elicited a rare chuckle out of Dia that only Riko had the honors of hearing. In the corner of her eye she spotted the smallest tail wag.

“What were you thinking?” The question was scolding, but her voice calm and loving. “Worrying me like this…”

There was an apologetic huff followed by pointy ears flattening against her head.

“It’s fine, but next time at least call me. Even Yoshiko-san didn't have an answer to provide when I asked her if she’s seen you today. Alright?”

The solemn nod should be enough of an indication that Riko truly did feel bad for worrying her and that she plans to work on her mistakes. This whole relationship stuff was still new to both of them. And even in this monstrous wolf form, Dia could recognize the softness of Riko’s genuine smile. She returned it and grabbed the gigantic paw-like hand into her own, tugging her much stronger girlfriend back inside like it was nothing.

“Come, now! In we go before we get too cold. Don’t think that all that fur of yours will stop you from sneezing tomorrow if you're not careful.”

Riko of course happily obliged and followed, embracing the warmth of Dia’s home with a sharp inhale. As soon as they entered she took a crouching position and without giving Dia a moment to process what was about to happen, she took an inhuman leap across the living room and landed on the couch. It creaked and the brunette cringed both visibly and audibly at the thought of it breaking, but hey at least the carpet was untouched. And Riko had already made herself comfortable. You should feel lucky you're so cute.

While Riko was busy burying her snout into the cozy pillow, Dia headed to the kitchen. She shortly returned with a box of dog biscuits in her hands, something no person without a dog would own. In this case, she didn't mind spending extra money on them. It still felt weird seeing Riko eat them on daily basis. Even when she was told the reason she liked them was because they were like brownies to her (a comparison Dia had trouble wrapping her mind around but it did almost tempt her to try them), she had settled on treating Riko to her favorite snack. Only after a couple of failed attempts to satisfy her cravings with something more normal, like cookies.

At the sight of the brunette Riko scooted over, allowing her to sit back into her previous spot - only to flop on top of her, earning an ‘oof’ and disapproving look from fragile looking Dia.

“I don't think you're aware of your own weight.”

But Riko showed no care about it, finding enjoyment laying on top of her girlfriend and already preoccupied with crunching on the dog biscuits that were meant for her, leaving Dia to sigh helplessly. Not that she minded completely, because Riko was warm.

Now that she thought about it, it wasn't much different from when they'd cuddle when Riko wasn't in this form. It was silent, cozy, comforting.

With a smile Dia returned to her book, every now and then moving her free hand to stroke the top of Riko’s head. It wasn't long before the werewolf in question drifted off to sleep.

“So much for the creature of night, huh..?”

When she said she wouldn't change anything about her current life, she meant it. That included her odd looking relationship she never expected, nor planned to have. If a year ago someone told her she'd fall in love with a scary looking, soft natured werewolf she'd laugh in their face. It was strange but Dia was content, and friends of both parties had been nothing but wonderful and supportive. Riko seemed more happy as of late too, which truly mattered.

A single ear twitched when Dia placed a soft kiss on her snout.

The first thing she felt upon gaining consciousness was the horrible headache that could be easily described as having her head split open. Which was something one grew used to the morning after a full moon. The next were the rays of sunlight that were bothersome even through her closed eyelids, making her shut them even tighter as soon as she felt tears forming in the corner of her eyes. After releasing a big yawn, everything else slowly started  coming to her.

Riko became aware of soft breathing beneath her, only then realizing that no, she was not laying on the soft mattress of her bed, but rather on a person. Blood rushed to her cheeks when she finally remembered that in a moment of loneliness she decided the best thing to do would be to show up at her girlfriend's place at such a late hour. Still in a haze and struggling to open her eyes, a tender feeling of fingers threading through her hair with caution prompted a whine out of her. She finally did after blinking a couple of times to adjust to the light, and she was met with emerald hues. Serene, yet in a way mischievous.

“D-Dia… good morning.”

Of course she'd be awake already. Dia had always been an early bird, at least as long as she’d known her. The older girl shifted underneath her, chuckling when Riko hid her face in the crook of her neck out of pure embarrassment. The comforting motion of fingers combing through her messy auburn hair did not stop.

“Are you always a heavy sleeper when you fall asleep like that, Riko-chan?” ‘That’ of course referring to her other form.

She pouted, glad that Dia could not catch a glimpse of her embarrassed expression right now. Being teased first thing in the morning wasn't the ideal way to wake up, but it worked.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude like this. I just wanted to see you for a little, but then… ah, I kind of kept you on that couch all night, didn't I?”

“You're fine.”

So she said, but was Dia fine? Riko sometimes had weird habits of falling asleep anywhere, but even she imagined being stuck on the couch with someone a little heavier all night must be extremely uncomfortable. If she really did have any complaints, she didn't voice them. It was almost unbelievable how patient Dia was with her, and had been since day one.

The empty box of biscuits was nudged with a noise when she moved her hand that was hanging off of the couch to rub at her tired eyes. The headache was still present, and it must be obvious enough by the way Dia's brows furrowed in worry.

“I could go look for some painkillers if you’d like.”

“Mm, I’ll be fine.”

Dia still seemed skeptical, so Riko gave her a sleepy but reassuring smile. The first time Dia witnessed her like this she threw an entire fuss, and Riko found it hard to explain why exactly she ended up feeling this way every single time. The best way she could’ve really described it as being hangover. Not that she ever experienced one, but it sounded about the same when she was reading up the symptoms online once.

Moments of silence passed by as the two lay there. Dia was familiar enough with how long it took Riko to fully wake up in the mornings after such nights, and Riko was greatly appreciative of the time she’d give her. Especially knowing the brunette liked to stay on her schedule. Sometimes she couldn’t help but to worry she was a little bit of a burden because of it. Her arms wrapped around the other with a tight squeeze, earning a curious glance from Dia.

“I’m sorry for not telling you anything yesterday.” The sudden rubbing on her back caused her to shudder. Dia said nothing and allowed her to continue, “I wanted to pay you a visit at work but I wasn’t feeling too well. I didn’t want to cause any trouble for you when you already have your hands full.”

“Riko,” A little sternly, Dia tilted her head up so they could speak face to face.

“You should know by now that’s absolute nonsense, have I not told you so already?” Riko felt a pang of guilt strike as her girlfriend frowned. “I understand why you prefer to hide. But I want you to learn to trust me. I’m here for you.”

“I know.” Murmuring softly, Riko snuggled in closer. “You always have been… sorry.”

“No more of that, okay?” With that topic out of the way, Dia’s voice regained the softness that made Riko feel all fuzzy inside.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Guiltily, she pouted and cast her gaze aside. “It’s why I’m here now, after all…”

Dia chuckled and shuffled around more, now focusing on fixing up Riko’s blouse as it hung loosely, covering up her exposed shoulder while Riko let out another big yawn. She forgot to cover her mouth and left her sharp teeth out for the world to see. Luckily, only one person was here to witness it.

They were both in the sitting position now with Riko on her lap and cheeks cupped in those tender warm hands. Carefully, as if making sure she wouldn’t break something fragile, Dia placed a soft kiss on her forehead and the blood instantly came rushing to her cheeks again. For all she cared this was much better than any gross tasting medicine.

“Allow me to make you breakfast. Your stomach has been rumbling for an hour, it’s a surprise you haven’t woken up sooner.”

“No it hasn’t!” Right on cue Riko was exposed by a loud grumble coming from her own body. She ducked her head in embarrassment as soon as she caught a glance of the wry smirk. “Food sounds nice…”

“Wonderful. It’ll make up for not seeing each other yesterday, right?”

Amber eyes glowed as she nodded excitedly, shyness pushed away for the moment to lean in and steal the first morning kiss.

However, as soon as their lips connected, they got distracted by a click.

Riko’s head jerked up in a wary manner, Dia’s gaze following her’s across the room.

“Ehe... morning Sis, Riko-chan!”

Ruby, Dia’s little sister, stood at the doorstep. Phone decorated in cute keychains in her hand and a bright smile on her face. The two she addressed lacked the same enthusiasm she was showing in this moment, not finding time to even get embarrassed for getting caught.

“Hope you slept well! Ah, Riko-chan,”

The younger girl hummed with her gaze now focused on the phone. Riko broke eye contact as well, trying hard to ignore the blood boiling in her ears.

“Yoshiko-chan asked if you were here. I’m sure she will love to see for herself-”

“H-Hold on-”

“Ruby.”

It was Dia who interfered with their conversation. If there was one person Dia rarely spoke so sternly to, it was Ruby. Yet here, seeing her with that deadpan expression as Ruby did nothing but continued to smile innocently, even Riko felt a shiver run down her spine.

“Delete that.”

“I’m sorry sis, I’m afraid I can’t do that… not after all the dishes I’ve had to do last Friday. Sooo, did I overhear something about breakfast gathering?”

“Ruby!”

Like wind she was gone. Already chasing the twintailed girl out the window shouting something that quickly became inaudible when mixed with Ruby’s laughter, even to someone with great hearing like Riko.

Still feeling loopy, Riko finally got up with a groan that resembled a growl and stretching out her limbs. It was too early for a game of fetch, so she’d let Dia enjoy it on her own. She really probably should give her roommate a call and see if there was a way to blackmail her to never mention that image.

Why did it feel like days after the full moon were always the wildest ones? Humans must be affected in a way too. Riko shook her head with a pitiful smile at the thought. They still had it easier.

I will wear jeans in hell

1. Do you think it’s rude when people speak slowly when talking to people that don’t know English well? No, it’s helpful, especially if the english speaking person has an accent the other person isn’t used to. I wish people would speak slower to me in spanish. The worst is when you ask them to speak slower and they repeat the exact same thing at the exact same speed. Speak slower but don’t be condescending.

2. What’s irritating you right now? My heater isn’t warm enough and my feet are cold.

3. Do you feel comfortable with answering personal questions? Depends on the question. I like telling stories about myself and my life but I don’t enjoy getting into emotions and stuff.

4. Would you ever sleep with someone to get a job? Depends on the job and who I have to sleep with.

5. Would you ever travel by yourself? I have, several times. And I will again at the end of the month when I go to Paris, although I’m hoping to be able to meet up with someone to go to Disneyland with.

6. When was the last time you consumed alcohol? I had a beer yesterday I think. Or maybe it was the day before, idk

7. When will you see your best friend next? January at the absolute earliest

8. Have you ever broken a bone? No

9. Would you introduce the last person you kissed to your parents? Sure, but not as my partner

10. Are any of your friends virgins? Yeah

11. Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or laying down? Standing up

12. If you could seek revenge on someone would you? There was one person I was pretty cranky at for a while but I don’t care anymore.

13. What plans do you have for tomorrow? No plans. I would go grocery shopping but tomorrow is sunday so everything will be closed.

14. What time did you wake up? I woke up to construction sounds and got annoyed because it was way too early for that kind of noise but I looked at my phone and it was 11:30. Still went back to sleep for another hour though.

15. Have you ever found a bug in your food? I have this one memory as a kid I had had a sleepover at my friend’s house and in the morning we were having breakfast in his dad’s cafe next door and I got pancakes and there was a wasp in it. I didn’t actually care, I ate around it.

16. What is most of your junk email from? Currently mostly from Dick Smith and a job search website

17. Do you have any upcoming appointments? what for? Flight at the end of the month. Does that count?

18. Would you be content to turn out just like your mom? Very much so, my mother is an amazing woman.

19. What is one skill you would like to have, but don’t want to work towards? Probably something super boring like knowing how to be an accountant or something. It would be useful to have for jobs and stuff but so boring to actually achieve.

20. Do you have letters of the alphabet that you like? Which ones? Not in english, but in spanish I like ñ because I like drawing the squiggle and also x because it’s pronounced differently depending which country you’re in.

21. If you could pick one topic for everyone in your country to learn more about, what would you pick? For australia, human rights and ethics so that they can start treating aboriginals and asylum seekers with a bit more respect.

22. How do you feel about people your age having children? I just don’t understand why

23. When was the last time you were at a park? Probably sometime when I was in panama. I don’t think I’ve been in a park since I’ve been back

24. Could you fall asleep right now if you tried? Wish I could, but no. Otherwise I’d be in bed.

25. Do you feel like going to funerals helps you in the grieving process? I have never been to one so I don’t know.

26. Who was the last person you heard snore? Panama guy

27. Do you think it’s possible for an 18 year old to be ready to get married? I think you should experience the real world before you commit to something like marriage. But hey, to each their own.

28. Have you ever had a dream about someone on tv, or a show? What happened? Yeah many times but the dream that comes to mind I had while I was in Colombia. I dreamt that I was on a yacht making out with Henry Cavill.

29. Have you ever taken a nap in an unusual or especially uncomfortable place, i.e. on top of your keyboard, under a table, etc? When I was at uni I would curl up in the bay window at the end of the aisle in the library and nap in the sunbeam. I have slept in trains and buses on terribly bumpy roads. I can even sleep on planes now. I’ve definitely napped on some floors, maybe head down on some tables too. Look, I just really like sleep okay and I can always do with a nap when I travel.

30. What was the scent of the last lotion you used? It was just one from the grocery store. It has argon oil in it which I assume gives it a certain smell.

31. Do you have any strange co-workers? I don’t currently work but there were a few weirdos at my old job.

32. When was the last time you had a headache? No idea, I don’t get headaches very often and if I do they’re minor so I wouldn’t remember anyway

33. Is anyone jealous of you? I hope so. Half the reason I use instagram is to make everyone I went to highschool with jealous of my current life.

34. What was the last thing you had to mentally prepare yourself for? that would have been for quitting that telemarketing job.

35. What’s something you’re currently dreading? Not finding a job and having to organise a move back to australia

36. If your living space could smell like anything in the world, but it would ALWAYS smell that way and you could never change it, what would you choose for it to smell like? I don’t know. Maybe citrus, or baked goods?

37. What’s something you wish were taught when you were in school? Actual life skills.

38. How would you describe your sense of humor? Varied. But mostly I like goofy, wholesome humour where nobody is the butt of the joke and nobody gets hurt.

39. Do you ever notice other people’s body language when you’re speaking with them? Sometimes

40. Is there a meal you simply cannot eat if it’s missing something (a salad without croutons, a sandwich without cheese, etc)? No..? I’ll eat just about anything

41. Is there something that other people see/hear and automatically think of you? You would have to ask those other people

42. Do you ever just feel like you need to be alone for some reason? Yeah, I often prefer to be alone when I’m at home. It stresses me out to have someone in my space for too long.

43. If you got paid $5 per survey you made, could you make a living just doing that? I probably could but it would old really quick

44. When was the last time you wore something totally inappropriate for the weather? Does this happen often? Every day in central america because I always wear jeans.

45. The last time you went out of the house, where were you going and what did you do? I was going to the corner store probably.

46. Do you have a friend that has a tendency to “dump” you whenever they get a new partner? One friend did that for a while. He would stop hanging out with me whenever he started dating someone. But then he got a long term boyfriend and got better about managing his time between his partner and his friends.

47. Would you ever want to go on vacation with just one of your parents? I have travelled a few times with my mum. I get a little frustrated travelling with dad though.

48. In summer, do you prefer to wear dresses or shorts and tops? Or maybe something else? I will wear jeans in hell

49. Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? I just want milk that tastes like real milk

50. How many cans of soda would you say you drink in a week, if any at all? When I lived in australia I had a can of pepsi max a day bc it was my caffeine hit for work. Now I buy a 2L bottle of coke zero maybe once a week. Probably works out about the same tbh

51. When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? I live alone so I get the whole place to myself. I only spend time in my bed/bedroom for sleep

52. If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? Ugh my dad was so annoying about that. I was a nigthshift worker and yet he still found it weird that I preferred to sleep in to any time after 10am. Like, dude, I only go to bed at 7am. There’s no way in hell I’m getting up any time before 2pm. Now my brother works those hours and I’m sure he gets the same crap from dad.

53. How much stuff do you take with you when you go on vacation for a week? If it’s warm weather, I can pack for a week in my backpack and won’t have to do laundry. Cooler weather is harder because I have to pack layers and a jacket. But I still plan on only taking my backpack for my 4 night stay in Paris.

54. How old is your oldest living relative? My grandad is 88 in a couple of months

55. Could you willingly live on a vegan diet? I wouldn’t want to.

56. If you’re a fan of Harry Potter, are you sad that there’ll never be another book or movie? There will definitely be remakes in my lifetime.

57. If you’re an only child, do you wish you had siblings? If you have siblings, do you get along? My brother and I don’t get along. We’re better now that we’re both adults but we’re definitely not friends.

58. How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? About a year and a half. I actually bought it to take on my trip to india. I wanted loose long sleeve shirts to keep the sun off me but not overheat me too much.

59. Are you a slut? Idk, maybe sometimes.

60. What happened last time you got drunk? I drank at home and watched Star Wars. That was it.

61. What do you want right this second? Kinda need to go to the bathroom tbh

62. How are you sitting? Sprawled out on my sofa

63. Did you sleep alone last night? Yeah

64. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? Yeah

65. What were you doing last night at midnight? I think I was playing the sims

66. Will you have sexual intercourse within the next two weeks? Probably not

67. How many cigarettes have you smoked today? None, I don’t smoke

68. Do you like potato chips? Yeah

69. Do you think you are pregnant? I definitely am not

70. You’ve had sex within these past 10 days haven’t you? Ha! I wish

71. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I do

72. What were you doing this morning at 5:30? Sleeping

73. What were you doing 2 hours ago? Watching netflix

74. Do you like the ocean? Yes

75. How many windows are open on your computer? One window, 5 tabs.

76. Do you know anyone named Matt? I have 2 Matts on facebook.

77. When was the last time you talked to a sibling? Was emailing with my brother a few days ago

78. How late did you stay up last night and why? Went to bed around 1am. Didn’t get to sleep until ~5

79. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? Ooh tough choice. I think maybe greece but I’d also like to visit hawaii at some point. Although tbh neither of them are super high on my list. Top trip I want to do is all of latin america from Mexico to Argentina. Also want to hit up Madagascar. 

80. What color is your underwear right now? Navy blue

81. How is the weather right now? Cold.

82. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Yes but there’s nobody I want to ask out

83. Have you ever fired a gun? No.

84. Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car? Depends where/how far I’m going and how much it’ll cost.

85. Do you like to cuddle? Sometimes

86. Do you need to get anything from the store right now? If so, what, and why? I need groceries. But it’ll have to wait until monday.

87. Have you ever had to take a stool or urine test? Why did you have to do this? Urine test a few times. 1) drug tests for work, 2) while I was doing a medical trial a few years ago, 4) routine std check 3) got a UTI :/

88. Is there a food you eat that others find weird or gross? Some people think vegemite is weird and gross but those people are wrong. Also some people don’t understand how I can eat so much chilli.

89. The last video game you played - did you play alone or with someone else? I played Mass Effect 2 earlier today, alone.

90. . If there is a disc in your computer, what disc is it? Sims 3 Supernatural.

91. Do you shut down your computer every time after you use it, or do you leave it on? I just put it to sleep.

92. Do people ever drive down your street really slowly? Does it creep you out? Anyone who decides to drive down my street has already made a mistake. There is no possible way to do it quickly. It takes time and a person guiding you so that you don’t scrape down the sides of your car. This is a pedestrian street.

93. Do you live in a very diverse community? Yes, this is a pretty multicultural city

94. Did you waste your first kiss, or did it mean something to you? Do you think that people should save their first kisses just like their virginity? It meant something to me at the time, I don’t care now. People can do whatever they want with regards to their first kiss or their virginity.

95. Do you know anyone who has had salmonella? Did you ever have it yourself? What about e coli? One of my work friends got salmonella and it hit while she was on shift. I was at the other end of the site and could hear the conversation between her and the then-supervisor over the radio. It actually messed up her immune system and she kept getting colds and flu more often for about a year after that.

96. How many weeks of summer do you have left before you have to go back to school? 1) I don’t go to school, 2) It’s not summer

97. Who was the last member of your extended family to visit? Where were they visiting from? My Dad visited me back in May. That was the last family member I saw.

98. When was the last time you went on a train? Where were you going? Whenever I last went grocery shopping I’d have gotten the metro there and back. Last long distance train would have been to Castellón to get my yellow fever shot before I went to Colombia.

My wife, gentlepersons

Brig was already aboard the boat when Gimli and Legolas arrived, attending the rigging for the simple sail and making ready to depart.@brydylcai​: All of the writing asks because I worry you don't have enough to do

so. 

all the ones I haven’t answered yet. Behind the cut because long

1. Tell us about your WIP!

Heh, which one? I’ve started writing chapter three of We Are Made Wise because I’m finally getting over my block (I think there was a little burnout). I’ve just updated Old Man Luke, and Pineapple 2 is next. I’m almost finished with my next original short, I’ve figured out where to go next in my novel, and...yeah. :)

2. Where is your favorite place to write?

Where it’s quiet and I can focus. Sometimes that’s the living room. Sometimes it’s my office. Sometimes it’s the Starbucks on the corner. 

4. Do you have any writing habits/rituals?

Depends on where I am. I have to have some sort of ritual to get focused. In my office, I light candles. In the living room, I put on music. At the coffee shop, I have a snack. 

6. Favorite character you’ve written?

My original character, Jamie, from my book is a HOOT. He’s a gay Jewish teen whose convinced that *he* will be the one to capture definitive proof of the Jersey Devil. He’s the non-magical pov in the fic, and his voice is fun. 

7. Favorite/most inspirational book?

Well, on the one hand, I re-wrote the Hobbit, so that’ book is clearly an inspiration. 

8. Do you have any writing buddies or critique partners?

@brydylcai is my in-house sounding board, the same way I am for her. I don’t have a regular beta, but I’ve worked with several depending on the project/story, and they’re all lovely people. 

9. Favorite/least favorite tropes?

I love revelations/coming out stories. I hate deliberate misunderstandings. 

10. Pick an author (or writing friend) to co-write a book with

@brydylcai and I have discussed writing a book together already, so Imma go with her :)

11. What are you planning to work on next?

I have the doc with We Are Made Wise open, so either that or my next short, depending on if I write more tonight or wait until tomorrow. 

12. Which story of yours do you like best? why?

Comes Around Again is the one that earned me what little notoriety I have, and Old Man Luke is doing the same in Star Wars, but I’m most proud of Drowned in Moonlight. That fic was written to excise some grief over Carrie Fisher, and I think I did her proud. 

13. Describe your writing process

I’m tempted to say “Incoherent screaming into the void” but that’s a joke that’s been made before. My process. Hmm. 

I tend to write by the seat of my pants. I like to see what develops and grows naturally. Once I get to a certain point, I’ll stop and make a plot sheet/note page, but I usually have the rough shape figured out before I start to write. 

Once I have a draft, I’ll edit. Sometimes I’ll print and edit on paper. Sometimes I edit online. My original works tend to get more editing than my fanworks. 

14. What does it take for you to be ready to write a book? (i.e. do you research? outline? make a playlist or pinterest board? wing it?)

ha ha ha ha - My original novel has been 15 years in the works, and has gone through many drafts. It’s working now, but I need familiarity. So, I think what I need is research for context and an outline for plot, and a good enough knowledge to feel like I’m winging it. 

15. How do you deal with self-doubt when writing?

I put it down. If I’m not confident on one project, I’ll put it down and turn to another. (This usually means putting down my original work in favor of fanfic, because I’m more confident with that overall, but...). I know what sounds right to my ear, and if I’m not hearing it, there’s usually a reason. Distance/time often lets me see it. 

17. What things (scenes/topics/character types) are you most comfortable writing?

I’m a Jersey Girl, so I tend to set things in Jersey. I love dramatic conversations, so I’m comfortable there. Queer characters. 

18. Tell us about that one book you’ll never let anyone read

That I wrote? Or that I read? Twilight/50 Shades. 

19. How do you cope with writer’s block?

I beat it with a hammer unitl it’s writer’s pebbles. 

20. Any advice for young writers/advice you wish someone would have given you early on?

Write what you love. Write the truths that you know, and research to write the things you don’t know. Don’t be afraid to break your characters; you can put them back together in new and interesting ways. You’ll be given a lot of advice over the years--read enough to recognize what you like. Develop your taste. Take the advice that helps taylor your work to your taste. Reject the advice that changes it away. 

21. What aspect of your writing are you most proud of?

Subtle meanings and implications. 

22. Tell us about the books on your “to write” list

Here are 3:

a) The Lesbian Werewolf Romance Novel. 

b) The Teenage Zombie Novel. 

c) The American-Teenager-Falls-Into-Fantasy-Realm-and-there-are-also-dragons novel

23. Most anticipated upcoming books?

Jer Keene’s next book. I read the first as fic, and then read the novelization, and now I REALLY want to know what comes next. 

The Kingkiller Chronicles book 3

25. What’s your worldbuilding process like?

Seat. Of. My. Pants and flailing. Seriously, I write something because it sounds right, and then figure out how it works after. 

26. What’s the most research you’ve ever put into a book?

I wrote parts of CAA with the hobbit, the lotr, the unfinished tales, and the moves on and open in front of me. 

I became a pagan, and my research for that has influenced my writing of my book. 

27. Every writer's least favorite question - where does your inspiration come from? Do you do certain things to make yourself more inspired? Is it easy for you to come up with story ideas?

I mentioned I was pagan? My patron, Brigid, is among other things, a muse. She pokes, and I start thinking (or I think, and she eggs me on. I’m not sure of the order. could be either or both). But, most of my ideas come from things I read. When I want inspiration, I read. 

Ideas don’t come as easily as I would like, but the fact that I have several projects at once means that it comes easily enough. 

28. How do you stay focused on your own work and how do you deal with comparison?

I have a hard time focusing period, so that’s a challenge. I have put effort into being less jealous because it’s ultimately a useless exercise. 

29. Is writing more of a hobby or do you write with the intention of getting published?

I want to be published like JK Rowling or Stephen King - one thing that gives my financial security, or with enough frequency to do the same. 

30. Do you like to read books similar to your project while you’re drafting or do you stick to non-fiction/un-similar works?

tbh, i read mostly fanfic these days. Most Genre fic makes me angry because there’s something missing from the text. it’s usually women/gay people. 

31. Top five favorite books in your genre?

scifi/fantasy

a) American Gods - Gaiman

b) Foundation/Elijah Bailey mysteries - Assimov

c) The Hobbit

d) Guards!Guards!

e) Years of Rice and Salt

32. On average how much do you write in a day? do you have trouble staying focused/getting the word count in?

Depends. There are days i can’t get a word out. There are days I’ve written about 10k. It depends on if I’m having a good focus day. 

33. What’s your revision/rewriting process like?

long. 

34. Unpopular writing thoughts/opinions?

....like what?

35. Post the last sentence you wrote

““The things I do for the greater good,” Gimli grumbled, his frown softening as Legolas’s laugh rang out to echo through the cavern. “

36. Post a snippet

from Old Man Luke, chapter 11 (probably):

Obi-Wan stood just to the left of the closed door, hand stroking his beard ad the sight of those assembled. It took all of his focus to keep his eyes from growing wide, or let his hands tremble the way they wished to.

Before him, sitting at a conference table, was Asajj Ventress (scowling at the table like a chastised Padawan, though she had submitted to the indignity of the locking cuffs easily enough), and the adult twinned children of Anakin Skywalker.

Luke sat much as he had before, calmly and with no outward signs of concern, reminding Obi-Wan uncomfortably of his own master. Leia sat back from the table, her arms crossed and her expression sardonic. She, too, was apparently unconcerned, if outwardly exasperated, and Obi-Wan knew that if hadn’t already been told, he would be able to see the resemblance between father and daughter in a heartbeat.

Still, Obi-Wan had the distinct and uncomfortable sensation of not quite living up to her expectations.

The bulk of her resentment, however, was aimed directly at the only other occupant of the room—Anakin.

Their father.

Obi-Wan needed a drink.

37. Do you ever write long handed or do you prefer to type everything?

I write long-handed when I’m having focus issues. It’s slow enough to make me focus. 

38. How do you nail voice in your books?

I talk to myself. Out loud. Constantly. 

39. Do you spend a lot of time analyzing and studying the work of authors you admire?

When I read, I’m known to stop and think “that was a perfectly crafted sentence!” or “How did they do that?” 

40. Do you look up to any of your writer buddies?

all of them. They’re all awesome, though in different ways. 

41. Are there any books you feel have shaped you as a writer?

Harry Potter. I’m not sure how, but I’m sure it has. 

42. How many drafts do you usually write before you feel satisfied?

Depends on how fully formed the story was in my head before I started. Fanfic gets 2 - rough and beta. Original fic gets rough, first, second, etc

43. How do you deal with rejection?

Badly at first. Then it evolved into a desire to prove them wrong. 

45. First or third person?

Third. 

46. Past or present tense?

Past. 

47. Single or dual/multi POV?

Depends on the needs of the plot. 

48. Do you prefer to write skimpy drafts and flesh them out later, or write too much and cut it back?

the first is what I do. The second is what I’d like to do. 

49. Favorite fictional world?

A Galaxy Far, Far away. (Then Middle Earth). 

50. Do you share your rough drafts or do you wait until everything is all polished?

depends on the fic. I like to show things to @brydylcai, but only in the fandom’s she’s in. I have been known to invite friends into docs as I’m writing, so...

51. Are you a secretive writer or do you talk with your friends about your books?

I’m more open than I used to be about fanfic. I’m less talkative about my original works. 

52. Who do you write for?

She knows who. 

53. What is the first line of your WIP?

Of this chapter: “Brig was already aboard the boat when Gimli and Legolas arrived, attending the rigging for the simple sail and making ready to depart.”

54. Favorite first line/opening you’ve written?

my book begins with a ghost hunt. that’s fun?

55. How do you manage your time/make time for writing? (do you set aside time to write every day or do you only write when you have a lot of free time?)

I try to set aside time while not working, but i also tend to write in whatever little moments I have. Between classes, standing in line, etc. 

10 Questions

Rules: Always post the rules, answer the questions given to you, then write 10 questions of your own, and tag 10 other people.

I was tagged twice! So I’m playing 20 questions, I guess.. :)

Tagged by: @starsinursa (great questions!)

Questions for me:

1. What song would you choose as the theme-song for your life? Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows.

2. What’s an embarrassing story about you as a child? I was a sleepwalker. When I was four and five years old I had a “lovely” habit of wandering into any room of the house (in my sleep) and being sure it was the bathroom. Once (only once, thank Chuck) my parents were too slow to stop me. :/

3. What’s a hobby or skill that you want to learn? I’d really like to be able to draw. I’ve been saying that for years, but I’ve recently decided to do something about it: I bought a small sketch pad and some good pencils/erasers and am learning to draw feathers (what? me? have an obsession with Cas’s wings??). It’s a frustrating but ultimately rewarding process.

4. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten? I’m not a very adventuresome eater. I think probably snails.

5. If you could pick your age, what age would you want to stay forever? That’s a hard one! Early thirties somewhere, I’d say. Overall my thirties have been oh so much better than my twenties (infertility is heartbreaking) but my body is starting to feel my age now, so I’d go back a tad. ;)

6. What’s your least favorite household chore? FOLDING SOCKS. I often threaten that we will become a sock-free home! If there are any house-elves out there looking for clothes, I have an entire basket of socks with no mates.....

7. Have you ever been told you look like someone famous, and if so, who? I don’t look anything like her now (at least I don’t think so), but back in college I had people tell me all the time that I looked like Mayim Bialik, aka Blossom, aka Amy Farrah Fowler.

8. If you wrote an autobiography, what would the title be? Reading through Childhood in 10,000 Books: “Mom, Do I Have to Go Outside?”

9. What’s the meaning of your name? Stacy is a form of Anastasia, which means “resurrection.”

10. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Every single time one of my kids tells me I’m the Best Mom Ever. <3

Tagged by: @righteousdemondean (you’re in trouble with #7...!)

Questions for Me:

1. What’s the time now where you are? 6:33pm

2. What’s your timezone? Eastern, US

3. What’s your fondest childhood memory you’re willing to share? It’s not really one memory, more like an amalgamation of memories. We went camping a lot when I was a kid, and my favorite part of camping was always stargazing. Sometimes I’d climb onto my dad’s lap, sometimes my mom and I would lay in the grass, sometimes we’d all sprawl on the hood of the car (the horribly ugly station wagon sticks in my mind!), sometimes we’d walk down to the lake and sit on a bench. My parents told me the stories of the constellations, and I swear I saw bears and queens and hunters in the sky. My love of the stars started very young, and has only grown. My one tattoo is the constellation Orion.

4. What’s the music genre you love the most? That’s like asking me to choose one of my children above the others. I don’t think I can do that. (Right now I’m listening to more classic rock than anything else, but that’s just for the moment...and it’s my SPN playlist...)

5. What’s the music genre you just can’t stand? Country. It makes me want to stab my eyeballs with a fork.

6. What’s your favorite school subject? In high school: English/literature. In college: all my writing classes, with my poetry classes being at the top. Honorable mention: in college I took an AMAZING Arthurian lit class. We read so much awesome stuff and sat around talking about it, and then at the end of the semester the professor invited us all (there were only 12 of us) to his house to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. :)

7. What are your favorite ships, in any fandom? Ah, here we go. Like I said, you’re in trouble! But I’m limiting myself to top four (you’re welcome...!).

     - Buffy/Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy and Spike have their problems, it’s true. But ultimately they make each other better. Spike gives Buffy strength when she doesn’t think she can go on. Spike wants to be better for Buffy, so much so that he goes out and gets his soul back so he can be good enough for her. Besides, Spike is so much better than Angel Buffy’s other love interests.

     - Dean/Castiel, Supernatural. Duh. Do I even have to explain? Read my fanfic. ;)

     - River/The Doctor, Doctor Who. My otp is River and the 12th Doctor (”The Husbands of River Song” is so beautiful, I shatter into pieces every time I watch it) but honestly I love River with every version of the Doctor, and I squee a bit when I think of the (albeit remote) possibility of River meeting the 13th Doctor (space wives!!).

     - Ally/Nawat, Daughter of the Lioness books, Tamora Pierce. I know this is the one probably no one has ever heard of, but I ship these two so hard. (Plus I’ve read these books so many times...!) Ally is one of the strongest, smartest female characters I’ve ever read, and Pierce writes women VERY well. And Nawat is...a crow. He falls for Ally, so he decides to become a human (a thing that, apparently, all crows could do if they wanted. I want to live in Tortall!) so he can court her (and also help her with all the other stuff going on in the book; he is, first and foremost, her friend). I honestly want to be best friends with both Ally and Nawat.

8. What would you want to say to your elementary/high school teachers? Thank you for encouraging my writing. Also thank you for teaching me algebra and geometry: I really do use it all the time!

9. Fondest memory in your adult life you’re willing to share? It’s a six-way tie between the three days my kids were born and the first time each of them said “I love you.” <3

10. Favorite taste? Champagne and strawberries.

Whew! My turn to ask now...

Questions for you:

1. Would you rather spend a week in Oz, Narnia, or Wonderland?

2. Are you a morning person or a night person?

3. Cake, pie, or cookies?

4. What is your favorite place on the planet (someplace you’ve been)?

5. If there was an opportunity to colonize the moon, would you do it?

6. What is your favorite season of the year?

7. What was your first fandom?

8. What is your favorite smell?

9. When you are outside on a comfortable day, do you choose sun or shade?

10. Where is the most interesting place you’ve ever stood?

And I tag... @justrandomspnstuff, @juliette-warnette, @justsomebutter, @bold-sartorial-statement, @jdragon122, @calliopecookiejar, @bend-me-shape-me, @physco-killer-12, @rebelangel67, @golden-blades

As always, feel free to ignore me! :)

I saw:

 Star Wars- If you don’t know the story you won’t care. Why bother summerizing when you can rant!

Yep, I still call the first film “Star Wars” or “the original Star Wars”. Look, I’m old enough that as a little girl I saw it more than once in it’s original release back in 1977, and it was just called Star Wars then. It was called that for a long time. Wanna see how much history I had with Star Wars before the rebranding?

When I saw my first academy awards (or actually fell asleep a few minutes in...I was little!) hoping to see it win Best Picture. Halloween and me in a Princess Leia costume Mom made me and then R2D2 on my birthday cake. I saw The Empire Strikes Back and The Return of the Jedi at their releases, each at least twice. My family had the 8mm cut down film version, then I worked my ass off one summer to buy the films at rental price,  then eventually upgrading to a VHS widescreen set. I’d seen the movies 100 times each before the 20th anniversary, and I know because I counted! The Star Wars Holiday Special (yes, it’s original airing), the fun animated Droids and Ewoks, the so bad I never wanted to see them again Ewok tv movies, tons of making of specials and guest appearances of people from the films. The entire run of the original Marvel comics. I fell asleep to the  music on 8track every night and then during the day I’d play my drums and cymbals to the vinyl soundtrack. (My parents were very understanding! LOL) I’d also listen  to the “Story of Star Wars”record (flip as the tractor beam pulls them in), that Meco disco album, and upgraded  the soundtracks, first to tape and then CD...more than once. I had lightsaber battles so feirce with my brother we had to get new ones to replace the smashed up old ones. My room had several posters and I wore Star Wars tee shirts.  I collected tons of action figures, dolls, plushes, model ships, blasters and the like, right up until the figures went on clearance post Jedi (just found an old package yesterday between books). Too much merchandise to count. I wore my Han Solo vest every day one year in high school, purchased through the fan club I’d been a member of since it started. I read every single book or magazine to do with the movie or spun off it I could find. And through all of it back then Star Wars was still the default title of the first film....

So, as you can tell, I had a long history of just knowing it as Star Wars. Childhood. Teen. Young adult. While the “A New Hope” subtitle was added to the crawl in one of the rereleases, it was just Star Wars when anyone talked about it. I can’t remember now exactly when the rebranding got aggressive, with the anniversary in 1997 or the release of the prequels, but for at least 20 years I only ever heard anyone call it Star Wars.  

When Lucasfilms started to try to make “A New Hope” a thing I kind of rolled my eyes. No one was confused by the film series for Planet of the Apes, The Thin Man or The Pink Panther sharing a name with their first films, so why bother? Now, I can get that after the subtitle got added to the opening crawl that it would make sense technically to make the titling of the films uniform. But I also knew it didn’t matter. It isn’t like it was a person asking you to use another name. The only people that cared were the more obsessive fans that liked to be smug about knowing the “real” title and George BLOODY Lucas. I rolled my eyes and doubted people would rewrite their memories just to make them happy. 

I was wrong.

And so here we are at a time where people mock you if you call it “Star Wars” insteas of “A New Hope” So why do I still defiantly cling to the original title? Because it’s part of the mutilation and rewriting Lucas started doing. I’d been bothered reading interviews when I was a girl where he would contradict himself on the stories behind the stories, going so far as to claim things were “always” intended that reading early drafts showed no mention of. But ok, I knew creation is a process and some people want everyone to think it’s actually just a miraculous whoosh springing out fully formed. And despite the fact I knew full well that other people worked on the films, in the case of Empire and Jedi other directors and writers, I still shrugged it off and gave him the ultimate credit for everything. He was flawed and human, with an ego under that mild exterior, some of what he said was total BS and maybe my brother was right after watching an interview when he said the god of the Star Wars universe had no one anymore to question him...but still I trusted Lucas.

I was wrong.

 Never mind the mind blowingly huge problems with the prequels, my disilusioning started right here, with the Special Editions. Most of the changes were pointless but some actually seemed to damage the films. Take my top three grumbles:

1) Tatoonie should NOT be a rosy pink! Before it was bright clear sunlight, unrelenting hot, parching and desolate, unforgiving...now it’s all pretty, colorful and warm. It reduces the sunbaked heat, but more important the dry barren sense of a colorless place Luke would ache to leave.

2) Han’s conversation with Jabba should not be in this film. I know it was filmed originally and cut for technical reasons, I’ve had a bootleg of it since my first convention, but loosing it was a good thing. Jabba should remain a shadowy unseen threat, someone that wants Han’s hide enough it looms over our scoundrel until the third film. The reveal of Jabba gains power in Jedi because you don’t know the extent of his powers but he’s supposed to be scary and we see him up in a position or authority over the room. Here Jabba looses power by not only being on the same level as Han and seeming smaller, but for crying out loud there is the gag of Han stepping on his tail while seeming completely unconcerned! And speaking of people being reduced...Boba Fett is this mysterious bounty hunter not just some damn henchman to Jabba. What part of mysterious don’t they get!

3) Mos Eisley does not need to me so cluttered up with CGI characters! This is a middle of nowhere planet with a scattered population and a climate many people wouldn’t enjoy. Sure it’s a spaceport but with buildings, many of which are at least partly underground as relief from the environment. The streets actually gain a sense of unease by being underpopulated, giving a sense that people (of whatever sort) could be watching from doorways. Like you could be attacked and no one would notice. But nope, now it’s bustling, so full of effects life that they actually wreck the look of shots by having gratitous critters and droids moving to block us seeing our characters.

Yes, I didn’t mention the Greedo thing. It doesn’t bother me as much as the rest, but you all know that if Lucas HAD wanted to film it that way originally it would have been just as easy as what we got.

Still, I wouldn’t be bothered at all if this was just an alternate version. Blade Runner, E.T. and others have given you a choice of which version to watch in DVD sets. I was sure both versions would stay easily available.

I was wrong. 

Lucas decided that whatever version was his current take should be the only one out there. The DVDs with the original (close enough) cuts long ago went out of print (and in my case the DVDs failed!) so if you want to see Star Wars not going to look at all like my first 100 times seeing it. 

And that’s my problem. Rejiggered versions have become the only version. If out of preference, curiosity or nostalgia you want to see something from before the monkeying around you have to look to illegal means. As far as Lucas is concerned he would like everyone to pretend any prior versions existed. History is rewritten and we aren’t supposed to grumble. All hail the genius of Lucas or some rot and forget anything you saw on screen and anything he said before. And it bugs me because I resent being told to forget

 Retitling the movie, not subtitle but what we are supposed to call it, is just a tiny part of the emperor’s dictates. And my refusal to use that name is symbollic. In fact this insignificant gesture is a bit like something....Now what’s the word?

Ah yes.

Rebellion.

LOL 

But not to worry. My generation will die off eventually. Those that grew up without special editions, prequels, and so forth will die out. In 100 years everyone will call it “A New Hope” and will not even realize anything was ever changed. But for now some of us still remember another Star Wars.......

One last note: I think the double whammy of the SEs and the prequels did something I thought impossible....I fell out of love with Star Wars. I rarely watch it since I only have the SE and when I do I spend some of the time grumpy at alterations I don’t like  and all of it a bit empty. It’s the only time in my life that I’d ever stopped loving anyone or anything. For me usually live cools but the warmth remains to quickly rekindle. When the Force Awakens came out I felt my affection return a bit to the franchise for the first time this century and I thought my love could be reborn. But tonight, rewatching Star Wars, I realized something has been permanently lost. It no longer hurts to watch but the heart has gone out of it for me........