#AGAIN i put a NEEDLESS amount of effort into this
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HATOFUL BOYFRIEND PRIDE HEADCANONS! ✨
a bit early in the year for it? NEVER !!!!
just a silly set that took WAY too long to do for being a blip of a thought this afternoon
USING SOME SPRITES FROM THE HATO PARABLE because my ass could NOT be asked to dedicate myself to editing on ties & accessories COUGH;;
( flag glossary / few extra details under the cut for anyone that doesn't recognize the flags or just wants to soak up every inch of this post; )
ryouta kawara - open to all pronouns // genderqueer / demiromantic / bi-curious;
( the dressing up + playing up femme characters really got him thinking... )
hiyoko tosaka - uses she/her primarily but anything goes // aroace / pansexual / genderqueer;
( she does not give a FUCK but if she HAD to label herself... wild & free... )
nageki fujishiro - he / they(?) // questioning;
( feels stifled as a ghost & likely forgoes thinking of anything like that, but in an AU where he lives, he's questioning a bit of everything; likely queer )
sakuya le bel shirogane - he / him // demiromantic / queer;
( he's not gotten that far to figure it all out yet, redemption comes first after all! probably into guys ??? )
okosan - he/him primarily but i don't think he cares // aroace;
( i admit i really didn't know what to give him but i don't think he gives a shit about romance OR gender, even if pudding wasn't his ultimate goal - & yet, okosan loves everyone! )
yuuya sakazaki - he/him // omniromantic / demromantic/sexual;
( a massive flirt toward anything that moves, but you're not getting dinner without him getting to know you some! )
kazuaki nanaki - he/him // queer / demiromantic/sexual;
( romance & beyond is the Furthest from his mind at any given time (( like most here )), but hey )
shuu iwamine - he/him // homosexual / aroace;
( this is possibly buried beneath emotional setback after emotional setback, buried underneath research first & foremost )
anghel higure - he/it but he probably goes by all KINDS of pronouns & genders, especially holy ones but... / unlabelled;
( bisexual energy, but i can't begin to summarize all of that in any one label & he DEFINITELY couldn't, so we won't! )
azami koshiba - she/her // pansexual / demiromantic/sexual;
( recently realized pre-love ★ blaster! congratulations azami! )
rabu/hosokawa blaster ★ - he/him // bisexual;
( ALSO recently realized pre-love ★ blaster, during his parting from azami; whoopee! )
kenzaburou urushihara - he/him // homosexual;
( ready to form his own coffee shop au at any given time /silly )
tohri nishikikiouji - he/him // demiromantic/sexual / queer;
( the gayest possible man alive, & yet... still figuring a few things out; )
ryuuji kawara - he/him // bisexual / aromantic;
( he's just. do you understand me. & the bastard died before he could resolve anything this revelation sparked, )
miru & kaku - they/them(???) // christmasgender &/or agender;
( i'm right )
the king - he/him & probably king/kingself pronouns lbr // homosexual;
( moreso explored in another life... but i had to include him for the sake of prohibiting bigger spoilers; )
leone JB - he/him // unlabelled or aroace;
( ESPECIALLY could not care less about any of it, & maybe aroace wasn't the right flag to put here but i feel it also holds true; )
mino ichijou - he/him // homosexual;
( to the one other mino enjoyer out there, isn't he so very gay to you as he is me. gives me hopeless romantic vibes as well; )
#twinkie talks#Hatoful Boyfriend#i am NOT tagging characters i don't think anyone cares that much to see this post everywhere#JUST IF YOU FIND IT YOU'RE VERY LUCKY to hear my amazing opinions#AGAIN i put a NEEDLESS amount of effort into this#& I FELT BAD POSSIBLY NOT INCLUDING SOMEONE SOMEONE MIGHT LIKE so i just did everyone i possibly could#to you my 6 hatoful mutuals; i love you. i did this for you
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sub zero anon again 😼 Can I request something where Bihan is very possessive, maybe he gets jealous that Johnny Cage or someone else is flirting with you and you get fed up with bihans attitude about the situation (not w you but with johnny) so you end up just going home and when Bihan is bitching about it you kiss him to shut him up 🙏🏻 i got my inspo from the jealously prompts page LMAOO anyways you’re the best <3
‘Do you have a map, because I get lost in your eyes.’
Johnny’s voice was the equivalent to nails on a chalkboard to Bi-Han. It caused him to react in a viscerally violent way that grew harder and harder for him to ignore the more the arrogant man sat across from him opened his mouth to speak; Especially so if the words that left said arrogant man’s mouth were unsolicited flirtatious quips directed towards you. Bi-Han wasn’t oblivious to your beauty and he couldn’t put an ounce of blame on you for merely existing, however he could and would put every ounce of blame on Johnny for interrupting what was meant to be a private moment meant for the both of you.
Bi-Han had been planning this for a long while now since being Grandmaster took up most -if not all- of his time, leaving the only times where you could be together was during at night and missions, which were never truly enough for him when you were seemingly the only person who could elevate the stress of being Grandmaster from his shoulders and grant him the opportunity to being vulnerable. For Bi-Han it acted as a way of saying thank you for putting up with him for as long as you had for he knew he wasn’t the most easiest of people, so for it all to be tarnished within a blink of an eye by the arrogant buffoon who was too acted as though he was god’s gift to humanity; Needless to say Bi-Han wasn’t the most pleased and he doesn’t bother to hide his displeasure either with how tightly he scrunched up his fists and how hard he clenched his jaw from under his mask. He even went as far as to keep his ice cold glare solely on him as a way to tell Johnny how he was overstaying his unwarranted welcome.
But either the man was stupid or was just that full of himself because not once did Johnny spare Bi-Han a single glance, nor cared to, as all his undivided attention was focused on you as he spouted and and all sorts of one liners that only prove useful in fuelling Bi-Han’s fire. And as much as you liked Johnny as a friend, he certainly had the upmost worst timing ever. Impromptu hangouts is what he liked to calls them but when you saw him enter Madame Bo’s the same time you and Bi-Han were just getting settled, you knew the worst was yet to come. You knew Johnny had a tendency to flirt with anything that moves and breaths and often times does so during the worst of times, but this must’ve possibly his worst one yet.
You knew how Bi-Han didn’t get along with Jonny so you could only imagine the amount of effort he was putting in to not reacting to anything that was being said, but you weren’t an idiot. You could see him silently seething from the corner of your eye as you went to place your hand on his knee for reassurance, only for him to jerk it away from you, leaving you to question his sudden attitude towards you when you’ve done nothing wrong the entire evening. You even shot him several questioning looks, all of which were blatantly ignored by Bi-Han as his lack of emotional control had lead to the air becoming frigid. You could start to see small quantities of ice beginning to form on the edges of the table, creeping inwards to your ceramic mugs of half drunk, lukewarm teas.
You nudged Bi-Han with you shoulder. ‘I thought the Grandmaster of the Lin Kuei was meant to set a precedence.’ You whispered. ‘You know Johnny is nothing more then a friend, and I know he kind of ruined our evening but that don’t mean you have to go this far just to get back at him.’
Bi-Han’s jaw twitched as the furrow of his brow deepened. ‘It’s truly an insult that you would believe that I would ever disgrace myself by stopping to his level. I’m merely warning him.’ He said sharply as the air grew even colder and the ice on the table had now rendered your tea undrinkable, much to your disappointment. You really liked that tea.
All of this didn’t seem to raise any warning signs within Johnny, who was oblivious to it all, which honestly baffled you at how he didn’t seem to acknowledge the change in the air, nor feel the ice that was threatening to encase the hand that was holding one of your own as his thumb gently caressed the skin there. All you wanted was a nice, easygoing evening, it was such a small thing to ask for but Bi-Han and Johnny were making things unnecessarily hard for you and now all you wanted to do was go home and head straight to bed to sleep this all off and hope that you have forgotten all about it the next day. ‘If being sexy is a crime, you’d be guilty as charged.’ Johnny said but before you could say anything in response, Bi-Han stood up abruptly, his eyes showing a man who’s reached his limit and so had you at this point as you tried to ease the oncoming headache to no avail as Bi-Han reached to grab Johnny by his expensive shirt.
‘Woah! Go easy on the merchandise dude, this shirt cost me a fortune.’ Johnny cried.
‘I have no care for your materialistic lifestyle Cage.’ Bi-Han spat venomously and that was about all you could take as you stood up from your chair and grabbing the cryomancer by the bicep, catching his eye for the first time that evening. ‘I don’t think Madame Bo would enjoy having to spend the rest of her evening clearing blood off of the floor and furniture now do you?’ You asked, taking the silence that greeted you as your answer as you again spoke pointedly, ‘We’re leaving. Now.’ Bi-Han knew it wouldn’t be wise to fight you once your mind was made up and he didn’t want to be even more on your bad side then he already was, and so he released Johnny unceremoniously as his body hit to the floor before following you out of the tea house without another word.
Back at the Lin Kuei wasn’t any better either as Bi-Han decided to make his thoughts known of how much he hated Johnny for not only ruining your evening that you’ll never get back, but also for blatantly flirting with you right in front of him. And at the rate he was going at, it only felt like the beginning of an extremely long night, and not in the sexy sense either.
‘Cage is an insufferable man child.’ He began. ‘Doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself nor does he have an ounce of respect within his entire body.’ You internally groan as all you wanted to do was sleep, but it was clear that Bi-Han wasn’t about to let this go as easily as you were, and you knew that Bi-Han had an unhealthy tendency to withhold grudges until his dying breath. But even then he’ll still be carrying those grudges like it was his life’s purpose. ‘Johnny was only flirting with me to get a rise out of you my love, which was why I was trying to stop you from doing something you’ll come to regret later on.’ You explained, walking over to Bi-Han and placing your hands on his face, watching with soft eyes at how he’d visibly relax and lean into your touch, reaching his hands up to place over you own as a way to keep you there.
You loved this man more than words could describe, but you swore there were days where he could drive you up the wall and yet you wouldn’t trade it for anything. ‘The fool could use today as a learning lesson as to not try to go after what’s rightfully mine.’ Bi-Han growled possessively, had it been any other night you would’ve found this shamelessly attractive but tonight wasn’t the night despite the warmth that flooded throughout your entire body. ‘I’m sure he’s learnt a very valuable lesson and would do better to think twice next time.’ You told Bi-Han as your thumbs stroked the cheeks of his now maskless face, taking time to ingrain each and every facet that made up his beautiful facial structure, something you very much liked to do every night before wandering off to sleep.
‘There won’t be a next time if Cage wishes to keep his life.’ Bi-Han replied, his hands, which had now traversed down to your waist, gripped you tightly as they -rather roughly- pulled you into him until you were flushed against him. You smirked as the fluttering feeling within you raged on. ‘How romantic of you my heart, but I think you’ve done enough talking for one day, so allow me to give your voice a rest and put your lips to work in the only way I that know we’ll both enjoy.’ You didn’t allow Bi-Han to speak afterwards as your lips were already descended upon his as your hands had moved to lounge comfortably over his shoulders, your eyes closed in heavenly bliss.
The evening might’ve not gone how either of you would’ve wanted but that’s what made the kiss more rewarding but what made it even more rewarding was when Bi-Han’s hands slipped down to your ass, giving them a good squeeze, as he then walked you towards the end of the bed, where you fell into the mattress with Bi-Han following shortly after; whilst actively making sure to support most his weight onto his forearms that caged you underneath him before reconnecting his lips with yours feverishly, as your needy hands grabbed ahold of him however you could.
Maybe it was one of those sexy nights after all.
#mk1#mk imagine#mk x reader#mk x y/n#mortal kombat x reader#mortal kombat imagines#mortal kombat x you#mortal kombat imagine#mortal kombat x y/n#sub zero x reader#bi han x you#bi han imagine#bi han x reader#bi han imagines#bi han x y/n
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Yae Miko is woman of mystery who never tells you what she wants outright and keeps her true feelings hidden most of the time, however the moment her little one calls her Mama while tending to some duties with Ei , she cries. At first she doesn’t believe what she hears and asks Ei if she heard it too only for her little one to say it again, this time louder and Yae can’t help but to rush over and scoop them up and shower them in kisses. To make the moment even more sweeter they call Ei “Obasan” or aunty. Now the archon is crying as well
I'm so glad I had a chance to see my two of fave lesbians again while playing Inazuma quest, it gave me the brain juice I love them sm. Sorry for being atrociously late 🥲
The night your presumed parents left you at the Shrine's gate, it was thundering as though the Shogun was trying to tear apart the sky. And Yae Miko, ever so attentive, was able to bring you in before you drowned in your own drenched covers.
She finds herself more intrigued than anything, wondering why such a small thing would be abandoned, so defenceless in a world so, so cruel. And by her door no less.
But she also knows that certain questions would never be answered, that it is a waste of time to ponder over something so meager. Instead, she focuses on tending to your basic needs and provides a home. Her home, for you.
You'd make a great devotee to the shrine, it's all she thinks at first.
And without realising it, a year or so goes by.
The Guuji doesn't sugar coat her words, but she also doesn't outwardly express her feelings. She's a skilled orator when it comes to pushing the conversation around as she pleases, the few who dare ask about her precious little one left with nothing but subtle hints to drop it.
Aside from the Shrine Maidens, who've been there long enough to figure things out themselves, nobody knows what is Yae's deal with you.
Even the mighty Shogun, presenting herself as Ei the first times she leaves her Plane, takes a bit too long to truly realise how smitten Miko is for you, human child, wobbly on your legs, who apparently has yet to utter a word.
Needless to say not even Raiden is immune to your adorable charm.
Both of them are quick to come to terms with this weakness of theirs, and devote as much time as possible to you, not noticing the second year of your life passing by.
But their profound affection also brings them -especially Ei- to frighten easily over the smallest things. You're a fragile being, after all, and they're not new to loss. If a god can die so easily in such a cruel world, what would it be of you?
This also means Yae silently worries over the fact that you still haven't spoken a world, despite growing at an incredible speed in the past two years. Is it a sign of physical and/or mental discomfort? Did she do something wrong, despite her best efforts on understanding deeper the human nature?
Miko lets you play with one of her Gohei's to entertain yourself, while both Ei and she voice their concerns to the Maidens. Some of them insist that kids grow and develop at different speeds, others remark that maybe grabbing a doctor would be best, just in case.
And never in the past five centuries the god and her pet had felt so distressed over someone they'd known for such a short period of time.
What is a couple years to endless beings such as them? What is two years to you? Too much? Not enough?-
"Mama! Mama! 'Basan! Look!!"
The Guuji of the Grand Narukami Shrine stills, barely able to take a look from the corner of her eye, as she sees you emulating one of their traditional dances at the best of your abilities.
It's wonky, mostly wrong, completely inaccurate and chaotic.
But her vision fogs up at how content and eager you are doing your little thing.
Ei lays a hand on Miko's shoulder, the other covering her mouth. The two share a quick look, then gaze back to your figure, utterly mesmerised.
"It good?" You pant, tired from the amount of effort you'd put into the performance. And the second after you're off the ground, in Yae's arms, as she covers your cheeks with affectionate kisses, Ei stroking your head with incredible delicacy.
Both smiling, uncaring of those around them. As the only thing that matters is you.
DON'T copy/repost my work. REBLOG instead! ©nyxthejinx
#genshin impact x reader#genshin x reader#Ei#Ei x reader#genshin Ei#Raiden Shogun#Raiden Shogun x reader#genshin Raiden Shogun#Yae Miko#Yae Miko x reader#Genshin Yae Miko#gn reader#Genshin drabble#| Genshin Impact 🌓 |#| Nyx Writes 🌑 |
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Bob & Chaos are my favourite platonic couple. I wanna see what Bob was like a Rooster and Chaos’s wedding.
Ah, they really are a dynamic duo aren’t they. Two peas in a pod. Bob is the peanut to your butter. The Ying to your yang. I think there’s a lot we could talk about when discussing Bob and Chaos. But I think a good place to start would be the wedding speech. And I personally think Bob would be the life of the reception—key video evidence here. And the Chaos series is here.
Bob doesn’t drink!!! But at yours and Roosters wedding? He gets absolutely hammered. A total disrespect to his perfectly functional liver—the poor Wizzo never knew what actually hit him. Except you know, the consequences of his own actions.
“To most of you here today Y/n Kazansky, or now Bradshaw has been just that, Simply the beautiful Y/n that she is sitting before us. But to some of us lucky enough to be present here on this wholesome day of love and happiness, Y/n has always been known and will always be known as Chaos.” Bob had never had a single drop of alcohol before. He was pretty content on being in control, he didn’t mind being designated driver and he much preferred the refreshing taste of a lemon lime bitters.
“For the past few years, Chaos has been my closest friend—I’m the one who’s initials are branded into the back of her leg.” But as he stood before you and Rooster, hand in hand as your wedding party took turns saying speeches that commemorated you as individuals first and foremost before celebrating you both as a loving couple—Bob had a dark brown bottle in his hand. A beer.
“Uh first of all, Chaos you look absolutely amazing and on behalf of all Roosters friends here today, we appreciate the amount of effort it has taken to keep this well-oiled machine put together.” Rooster chuckled as you squeezed his hand. It was Bob’s turn to make a speech—he’d begged too many times for you to count to say a speech for you. How could you say no?
“A few years ago, There was a very deep conversation that Chaos and I had where she was a few cases of white claws deep on a pontoon boat somewhere on a lake in Scottsdale.” You remembered that moment in time probably a little blurry then Robert Floyd did—having been drunk off your ass. But it was needless to say the memory was still there. “And we were just sharing with each other ups, downs and bottoms we’ve had in life, and we’re crying and hugging and even though our situations weren’t all that relatable to each other’s, there was a mutual respect that we shared.” It had been just after you and Bob had been transferred to Lemoore. You had both decided to go away for the long weekend. Get to know who exactly it was he was entrusting with his life and who you were flying with.
“A respect people recognise from other people that have really been through some shit.” The room got a little heavier as memories from the uranium mission hit every single person who was there like a truck going one hundred miles down the freeway. It was still a haunting memory—always would be.
“And I knew that feeling from only a couple of other people in my life, one being my brother, and the other being my late childhood best friend.” Looking over to your left you saw Jake Seresin with tears in his eyes. He hadn’t been to a wedding since his own years and years ago. His on again off again wide by his side. Looking like she was just about ready to burst into tears. The entire room was full of love for you and Rooster.
“The amount of times that this woman right here has single-handedly pulled me out of life’s quick stand is embarrassing to count.” Bob had been in a pretty bad place after the mission. He’d come out of his physical unscathed but his mind was scrabbled. He’d never been more thankful to have a friend like you, like Rooster—when he felt like he couldn’t even trust himself. Clearing his throat, Bob continued his speech. There wasn’t a dry eye in sight. “I take a lot of pride in being able to stand with her today and share every minute with these two, because without Chaos—I don’t know if I’d even be here to take part in this.” Wiping away your own tears as Rooster remembered the moment Bob had turned up on your doorstep a complete mess before falling into your arms. He’d crashed his car up the road after hearing a loud bang that sounded like a Surface to Air Missile. Already on his way to see you both.
“Chaos is the most thoughtful and dedicated person I’ve ever had the pleasure of calling my friend and I couldn’t be more glad that she’s found someone that mirrors her perfectly.” That meant a lot to Rooster. He knew he had to work hard to win you over, the love of his life. But Bob? The new best friend, the brother? That was even harder.
“Rooster, my man—I wanna say how lucky you are, you’ll leave here today with a wife who is beyond that of beauty, loving and caring.” Raising what was quite literally the first beer Bob had ever had up in the air. Raising a toast with a grin ear to ear. His best friend was married. “And Chaos, you’re just as lucky, you’ll leave here today with a lovely new dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.”
Shit got weird not long after Bob's speech, you’d run over and taken him into a warm tight embrace. Crying, laughing. Before excusing yourself to change out of your wedding dress to something a little more dance floor appropriate. Matching white and black Mr Bradshaw and Mrs Bradshaw tracksuit.
Fanboy had ended up with the aux somehow. The DJ who had promised you earlier in the night he wouldn’t let anyone take over was in the bathroom. And Robert Floyd was absolutely throwing fucking shapes on the dance floor. Fetty Wap and Remy Boyz 679 absolutely blasting through the speakers as Bob let loose. Causing a scene.
I'm like, yeah, she's fine
Wonder when she'll be mine
She walk past, I press rewind
Bob was beaming, enjoying his life with the friends he had and the family he’d made. Screaming the lyrics at the top of his lungs with Fanboy who was just as plastered.
“I thought he was just drinking beer? Payback—who gave him a Long Island Iced Tea!?” Smelling the cocktail you’d snatched from your best friend's hand as he shuffled past. Completely out of his mind. “God—he’s going to die of alcohol poisoning if we don’t cut him off Roos.” Turning to your newlywed husband as his hand snuck around your waist from behind.
“I say let him learn his lesson.” Roosters chuckling as Bob takes Phoenix by the hands, twirling her around before continuing on his way. Pushing his hair back out of his face. It had grown out quite a bit. “I’ll keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” Taking the cocktail from your hand. “I’ll start by finishing this for him.”
“Oh yeah, my hero!” You teased over the music as Bob made his way over to you and Rooster. Bopping along. “God he’s tanked—“
“You two, are the best!” Bob’s speech has begun to slur as he wrapped his arms around your shoulders. Standing between you and Rooster. The photographer candidly snappier a picture that would hang in the hallway of your home for years to come. “You should just get married alright—“
“Huh? Yeah that’s never crossed my mind.” Rooster teased as he slipped from Bob's grasp. “He’s all your wifey!”
“Hey Y/n?” Bob's voice is suddenly a little less boisterous. “You know you really are the best person I know right?”
“I think you went too hard too fast for your first lap—“ stumbling your way over to the nearest empty table and chairs. Pouring Bob a glass of water before handing it to him. “You should definitely drink this.”
“You should definitely introduce me to your bridesmaids Hannah—“ It was the smirk he tried to give you as he crashed forward into your shoulder that had you laughing at the top of your lungs. Water now spilt in your lap from the glass Bob had left tumble out of his grasp.
“I need to get Hawk and Hangman to take you home—“
“No! No god please no they scare me with their relentless sexual tension.” For a second or two, you actually agreed. Maybe it wasn’t the alcohol talking but in fact just Bob. “Don’t make me go home with them.”
“Okay, well you’re fucked Bob, you gotta go home with someone man—“
“I’ll take him.” Coyote is coming over with a quick stride in his step. “Fanboy’s going too, They can both crash at the hotel with me. At least that way they’ll be able to stop each other from choking on their own spew.”
“What about Hannah?” Bob’s sitting up right as he flung his head back a little too fair. “Is she coming?”
“Oh absolutely not—“ Helping Coyote stand Bob to his feet before tipping him over his shoulders. “You are never drinking again my friend.”
“Watch me!” Bobs screaming back at you as he’s carried away against his own will. “I’ll be back!”
***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***
Tags: @lyannaredbird @luckyladycreator2 @skagelynn @teacupdreams @the-winter-marvel33reblogs @mrsjaderogers @katieshook02 @thescarletknight2014 @justanothermagicalsara @4ngelicb4byy @percysaidnever @puriini @luckylexie @is-this-a-febreze-commercial @shrimping-for-all @fayethefairy @lonelywitchv2 @mizzzpink @unforgettwble @callmemana @lemoonandlestars @mulletmcghee @redqueeen99 @bucky-barmes @mak-32 @fivsecondsflat @loveless-simp @bradleysgirl @mintellaine @hannabritta @nemtodd-barnes1923 @bradleysgirl @xoxabs88xox @baju69 @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @shanimallina87 @abaker74 @je-suis-prest-rachel
#chaos // bradley bradshaw#bob floyd x y/n#top gun bob#robert floyd x reader#robert floyd#platonic!reader x Bob Floyd
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23. trinket
“Don’t be a stranger,” Azriel invites her, and Elain swallows the thought that she is a stranger to her own skin but makes up her mind and reaches for the tea-cup and tries not to flinch when her grasp accidentally snaps it cleanly in large pieces. She swallows her apologies, too, as she takes the pieces out from her palm and watches the ruby red blood slow to a halt and when she wipes it, there’s not a mark left behind. She also swallows the notion that this body leaves no marks, designed as an impeachable armor that leaves no traces of the person it shelters.
“Here,” Azriel places a new cup in her saucer as she wipes the piping hot tea off her hand and Elain’s eyes catch on his marked hands. Gruesome, and painful. Somehow she cannot find it in her to be revolted or afraid of this tapestry. He pours another cup of tea, while Elain aligns the broken shards before her.
“Where can I find anything to glue it?” Elain pipes up, quiet and subtle as a drowsy stream. Azriel looks at her over his reports for a moment, before the shadow of her teacup expands and a small vial materializes from it. Elain stares, and then some more when a brush follows. But she picks it up, unscrews the cork in the vial and dips the brush in and slides it along the smooth porcelain edge of the base piece and something in her sight sharpens. A little. Elain layers a generous amount before topping a second piece and holding it in place for a while. Takes her time and slides the pad of her finger along the excess along the seams and waits. She is patient, someone had to be if they were to plant blooming gardens.
She was a gardner. The memory rushes to her like a wave, overpowers her senses until it is the only thought she has. She blinks, looks around her more closely, realizes they’re sitting in the garden back of the house, and the smell of green grass tickles a thought in her consciousness the way the blades would tickle one’s nose.
Elain puts the third piece, holds it down but gentle enough to not break apart the stack and the weak bond between glue and porcelain and wonders if it’s not acceptable and sensible that a third party be present when things, people and hearts, are shattered. That somehow, glue was necessary to make what was broken whole again. Three is balance; the middle man who upheld peace. Elain was that person, between her family. Perhaps it is pivotal that a third party come between them now, friendly strangers, to mend what has been shattered for a while now.
She places the miscellaneous pieces in place, pushing their more delicate jagged edges with the tip of her brush and coating a careful layer of glue over them. Puts the brush down and waits, stares at the mosaic of disrupted patterns and broken flower prints and thinks how that surely means something, how it pictures some thought she cannot articulate. Feyre’s tendency to paint and canvas make more inherent sense, then. Feyre is a painter. This particular thought knocks a haze in her mind. Her sister has a passion for paint and beauty.
Elain glances at the quietly reading winged man before her, reclining in his seat and stretching his wings to catch the sun. Elain thinks his armor is a needless touch of fright, and if she wasn’t more terrified of whatever lurks beneath the mended skin over her bones then Elain might have trembled in fear at the sight of his scaled armor, his darkness and the scar tissue marking him for eternity. She did, once. She remembers this now.
“I’ve never seen someone make such an effort,” comes the light comment from behind a hand clutching papers. “Mending something.”
Elain blinks, traces her sticky index along the jagged rim of the mended cup. She supposes it is a futile attempt; it is not possible to use the cup for its original purpose anymore. But she could not shake the urge; poverty raised a curtain of blindness from one’s eyes. It was a habit, to mend a torn sleeve or patch a stubborn hole, to make hair bands and ribbons of useless cloth.
“I don’t think you would have,” Elain comments back. “Your bodies mend themselves in seconds. Attention and care are not in your evolution.”
The hand lowers, and his hazel eyes regard her with growing realization. “No. Now that you mention it, no they are not.”
Elain keeps the mended teacup to herself, sets it on her vanity and when she’s found the strength in her spine and legs to leave her bed months after Father’s death, she fills it with water and floats jasmine flowers in it. One day she wanders in Feyre’s art-studio, and a paint bottle of gold catches her attention which she borrows, and spends the night carefully tracing over the cup’s fractures and glue, highlighting all its faults and subsequently declaring it the most beautiful of her possessions. She displays it in the crystal cabinet Feyre buys when they move into the riverfront estate, next to their priceless gems and collections. Elain’s fractured trinket.
#elain archeron#acowar fic#that one moment in the garden#azriel#kintsugi#repairing broken pottery with gold because flaws make something interesting
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Eyeliner
Eyeliner (Naoya Zenin/Reader)
Author’s note: Hey guys. This is my first Naoya fic. I might have taken some liberties with his character because, as you all know, his personality in the manga is flaming garbage. But I wanted to sort of show a softer side of him (totally fanon). I’d like to maybe write a Naoya series in the future but he’s so tricky to make likable (that stinky guy).
Side note: It's interesting how canonically he's the only Zenin who puts such an effort into his appearance. It goes against the hyper masculine image the Zenin fam projects. This fic very briefly touches on that (but not too much, you could argue it doesn't at all).
Enjoy!
Warnings: Naoya Zenin, some suggestive language, some cursing, implied sexual content, suggestive content, misogyny, traditional gender roles.
“(Name)?” Naoya called out from the bottom of the staircase. “Are you almost ready?”
“I’m just finishing up my makeup,” you replied back from upstairs.
He sighed and checked his watch. The two of you had to be at his father’s house in half an hour for dinner. It wasn’t that he was desperate to go. He hated his family. Whenever he had to spend ‘quality time’ with them he felt his life span shrink drastically. Nevertheless, being late would only prolong his suffering. Best to arrive and leave quickly. So he draped his evening coat on the banister and ventured upstairs to fetch you.
~
When he entered the master bedroom he found you stationed at the vanity still wearing his robe.
Your evening gown rested on the bed with your newly purchased heels still in the box.
“You’re not even dressed yet?” he griped.
You looked away from the mirror to face him, an apologetic crease in your brow.
“I’m sorry, it’s this damn eyeliner I bought,” you sighed.
As he approached the vanity, he noticed the excessive amount of makeup remover wipes stained and piled up in front of you.
“I made the brilliant decision to try a liquid eyeliner instead of a pencil and I can’t seem to get my wings even without going too thick,” you scoffed at your reflection. “I look like a racoon.”
Noaya couldn’t argue that you’d made a bit of a mess, but little did you know he was equipped to fix it.
“Get up,” he ordered.
~
You perched yourself on the edge of the bathroom counter, per Naoya’s instructions. He had removed the muck from your eyes with another makeup wipe and uncapped your eyeliner.
“Close your eyes.”
You tilted your head in confusion.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to fix your mess dummy,” he barked.
You gave him a sharp look and he quickly drew back.
“Just, trust me okay?” he muttered.
You sighed and reluctantly shut your eyes.
Noaya leaned forward and effortlessly applied a delicate wing on your right eye. Before he could move onto your left eye his gaze wandered down your chest, something catching his attention.
“My eyes are up here,” you mused.
Naoya jumped back to find you looking at him with a shit eating grin on your face.
“Should I undo my robe so you can have a better look?”
He just glared at you. “It’s my robe.”
You began to untie it. “Do you want it back?”
Before you could fully expose yourself Naoya firmly grabbed your chin to keep you in place.
“Stop distracting me,” he muttered. “It’s not like I haven’t seen it before. And why aren’t you wearing a bra?”
You rolled your eyes. “I’m wearing a strapless dress. I’ll just wear some pasties.”
Once you closed your eyes again he promptly finished your left eye.
“I’m finished,” he announced.
You hopped off the counter and turned around to inspect his handiwork. Needless to say, you were impressed.
“Holy shit,” you mumbled.
Your eyeliner looked great, framed perfectly with symmetrical wings on both ends of your eyes.
“Finish getting dressed. I’ll meet you downstairs.”
Before Noaya could leave you stopped him, grabbing his hand and turning him to face you.
“How did you learn to do that?”
He just shrugged. “I used to…wear eyeliner when I was younger.”
“Really?”
His face turned red. He was clearly embarrassed.
“When I’d go out. I stopped. My father…caught me sneaking into the house wearing it.”
You said nothing.
You could only imagine what the staunch and conservative Naobito Zenin had done when he saw his son wearing makeup. The briefest expression of grief flashed over Naoya’s face, like he was seeing a skeleton he had buried long ago. He quickly recovered and cleared his throat.
“See you downstairs.”
You quickly pecked his lips and trapped him in your arms. “Thank you. You did an amazing job.”
He gave you an unreadable expression and a curt nod.
With that he turned to leave, closing the bedroom door behind him. These little moments with you made him feel odd. It was different, allowing you to have this sort of intimacy with him. A few years ago he couldn’t imagine a woman having such control over him, but now things felt different.
He pulled his discarded coat from the banister and put it on.
Vulnerability was still a concept he was getting used to, and it was an uncomfortably irresistible thing.
~
(Later that night)
The two of you watched the 12:00 news in bed. You were content, resting in Naoya’s arms as the anchors droned on.
“I’m going to keep practicing with the liquid eyeliner,” you announced.
Naoya hummed in acknowledgement.
“When I get good enough I’m going to do your eyeliner,” you declared.
Naoya said nothing for a moment. You prepared yourself for a sarcastic quip you’d flawlessly counter. Instead, he just held you a little tighter.
“That’ll be the day,” he jested.
~
The End.
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You made Kanade fucking adorable of course you did it right-
(Mafuyu x Reader) Mafuyu drops her “good girl” act in order to defend the reader against some dumb mook who decided to pick on someone that day.
{Mafuyu dropping her act to defend you!}
Heeheehee, I'm glad you agree! Kanade's simply adorable, and there's nothing that can change that!
Hoo boy... First Mafuyu ask, this is gonna be rough... Her character is surprisingly intricate, and it's constantly getting development. I'll try to make her justice though! Caw.
You're one of Mafuyu's classmates, and one that she constantly recognizes above the rest. Why? Because you can tell when she's forcing out her responses, and when to just leave her alone and give her the sweet silence she desires!
Of course, you didn't know the truth behind her persona, only that sometimes, she was acting nice when she was uncomfortable or unwilling to keep up the interaction! Most around you didn't, and that's why you were different, in her eyes. (Much like Emu, but less noisy and straight forward.)
However, opposite to your end to her 'tolerable' meter in her mind, was the new girl that had just transferred from the Kamiyama High School, that seemed to take pleasure in annoying basically anyone and everyone they could. It got to the point that most student council meetings were about the trouble they caused and how they could fix it, mostly amounting to nothing, even after a week.
It was causing her chest to tighten whenever she heard her voice, unaware of the feeling called 'frustration', and making her act more forceful with each day, something that you noticed. As such, you did your best to distract the annoying girl away so that Mafuyu could take clearer breaths!
It confused her to no end. Why would you, a complete stranger, be putting in such an effort to make her day easier? She wasn't complaining, but it filled her mind with questions, questions that she would ask the rest of her group.
Before she could do that however... She saw, out of the corner of her eye, how that damn girl was messing up your redaction in the middle of class, and how the teacher was blissfully unaware, resulting in her going unpunished, right back to messing with you.
That tightening in her chest grew stronger, and eventually, she came to the conclusion that this couldn't keep going. It was starting to distract her from her studies, and a strange need was arising within her. A need to protect you, who had been so kind to her. Maybe it was time to repay your kindness...
Before the girl could leave, Mafuyu approached her, and asked for her presence in the council meeting, with s few questions to ask her! To avoid suspicion and create intrigue, she would tell her that she needed some outside opinions, and that she needed her input!
Thanks to her reputation, it was easy to convince her to come along to s classroom that was definitely NOT the council's, and before the girl could sit down, Mafuyu stared into her eyes with all of their fake light gone.
"Listen to me. You've been causing so much trouble for everyone around you, it's starting to get tiring. I don't care how lenient your previous high school was, that won't be tolerated here, so I'll give you an ultimatum. Will you stop with your miserable little games and leave everyone alone before I take more drastic measures? Or, are you going to continue wasting everyone's time, and attracting pitiful attention that only you care about?"
Needless to say, the next week the ruckus was gone, and with that, Mafuyu's strange chest sensations as well. And even though you didn't know about what she did, you were glad that she seemed to be feeling less stiff than usual!
You approached her again, mentioning how you were glad that she wasn't causing any more trouble, both for yourself and for her sake! The thoughts and questions inside her head only grew after that...
Why... Did you care so much about her?
Whew... I think that's good enough! Sorry if this wasn't what you were expecting, i sincerely can't see Mafuyu dropping her act in front of everyone, so this was the next best thing! I hope this is enjoys let nonetheless! Caw.
#/cawcanons#project sekai#project sekai imagines#project sekai headcanons#project sekai x reader#prsk#prsk x reader#pjsekai#pjsekai x reader#pjsk#pjsk x reader#mafuyu asahina#mafuyu asahina x reader#asahina mafuyu#asahina mafuyu x reader#hatsune miku colorful stage
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222 mariver where shiver thinks they are going to bust a strange person who has been collecting information and stalking supernatural events and left a foolishly sloppy digital footprint (shiver thinks marie is some sort of mastermind who has been causing all the shit going wrong). Needless to say Marie is way better at the espionage and is intentionally luring them into a trap to assess whether deep cut need to be dealt with or if they’re a potentially useful asset. Shiver cannot get over the fact that they got whomped so bad and keeps trying to dig for details on her despite the fact that Marie gave them her card and has met with deep cut face to face once or twice. She is amused by this keeps leaving small paper trials for “impromptu meetings” where shiver tracks her down right into a trap, to a certain extent they know they’re not a step ahead but a combination of hubris and a weird desire to get a keep seeing marie and also leg up on her (ha). One time Shiver does something kind of drastic and unexpected that takes like all their effort and catches Marie by surprise and almost gets the last laugh before Marie “watch the hands, not the mouth”s them to flip it back and then it gets really really homoerotic and maybe they kiss a little and Marie gives them a “I’ll see you again soon sharky.” And shiver is eternally bothered in both pride and gay by it and insists to Frye “No, I’m not distracted, I’m fine, don’t worry about it.” Frye knows because it’s so fucking obvious and so does big man.
Do you see the vision
anon I love you so much and the amount of effort you put into this is insane and I feel bad for not recognising it as such//(:?:
222 marie is so silly she runs a goofy little blog about spider-woman with big man
also deep cut doesn’t exist here, spider-man au ahsbsh
*lip smack* I don’t wanna say mariver icks me. it can be done well I’m just never about it in a serious sense. idk maybe I’m not a fan because of how much I see it 😭
thank you so much for your anonymous essay though I respect this so much
I did have like a mariver consideration in this AU at some point in which shiver and Marie sang karaoke and shiver threw a tantrum because they literally wanted marie dead 5 seconds ago and now they’re thinking about how gorgeous she looks out of breath and laughing
swapped it out for calliver toxic side bitch yuri though
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I've been trying to organize my thoughts regarding my own artwork and webcomics. I still carry a large amount of bitterness for the field of work.
I often felt disregarded, as a person. The feeling was very very similar to a maladaptive D/s relationship. Y'know, the kind where no one knows the importance of aftercare.
But the point is, especially regarding the webcomics, it was a one sided relationship. I got very little useful feedback. Or acknowledgement. I hung in there for about five years, then another two a few years later.
I liked my work, hated deadlines, and burnt out.
I have never truly recovered. I've worked to. I've been trying.
One of the things that turned it bitter..... I never made good money via the webcomics. Most of the time I never got a cent. Later I got a trickle via patreon but we're talking around 15 bucks a month at the highest. Thanks fees.
The only money I made was on commissions. Even my best paid gig was low pay.
Now, I'd like to note, I had some lovely clients. More than one paying double. That was fantastic. But unfortunately those are just a sprinkling.
Overall, aside from that handful of clients, it was a very demoralizing time in my life. I would spend upwards of 30 hours on a page. Not counting the time it takes to write.
I made more at Dollar General per hr.
Now why even bring up the money? Why not just do what you love?
I have CFS/me, I have extremely limited amounts of energy per day. I am unable to pull all nighters. Well, I can but the consequences are debilitating. I am forced to think about what I do with my time. I have to weigh the cost/benefit with everything I do. It's a very complex web.
When I experience a CFS/me crash, it's like the flu. Or strep throat. I simply can't do anything aside from resting. The brain fog is such, if I were to watch a movie, I won't be able to follow it. Worst cases, video games, even phone games are too hard.
So, the effort I put in to make something has a high cost if I want to keep a regular schedule.
Suffering isn't noble. Pushing through will bring my downfall. It's just needless. I never got the financial incentive to meet the workload. I never got the recognition to meet the workload. My joy of creation was crushed.
I've clawed back about 80% of that joy. I used fanfic, fanart and self-indulgent ocs. I felt more accepted and appreciated neck deep in fandom.
the culture behind webcomics is poison to me.
I still enjoy them and may even produce one again.
I am just so exhausted.
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Object Relations: Melanie Klein Pt. 2
Lectures on Technique
To demystify Psychoanalysis, I want to go into an aside in this series to bring therapy into phenomenological experience. The end point of therapy is to successfully, love, work, and or sublimate in healthy activities and relationships. The impediments to that are in the external environment, with obstacles, but there are internal obstacles to be considered as well. You want to see and feel how your inner world is holding you back. One of the ways to do this is through self-analysis, especially because therapy is expensive, and one is putting a lot of trust into a total stranger with your inner world. Just as they can make you better, they can also gum up the works. A certain amount of ownership and independence is required by the patient, if possible.
Anyone who has any meditation skills will be in a better situation when doing self-analysis. To start things off, there are a few basic practices that will demonstrate to you the level of health and well-being of your consciousness. In all these practices, you can meditate with your eyes open, but preferably you do this on your own, until you get confident with your skill to do this in daily life. The first practice would be to concentrate on the breath from the beginning to the end and see if flow states can be achieved just with continuity of attention. The second practice would be to get on with your life as normal, but include body scans where you scan to detect any needless muscle tightness in the face and body. This will show you a layer of wasted energy, and any muscle relaxation you apply, that still allows you to get on with your life, with not too much or too little effort, is a valuable energy saving. The third practice would be to notice tightness in the sources of your senses, like your eyes, ears, nose, mouth, but to also include the quality of your thinking and the quality of your breath. Technically, most of these functions work automatically without a need for one to tense up muscles with your amygdala. If you wait for your breath to move on it's own, without contraction, tightening, and superfluous control, then even more energy can be saved. Again, you would still be getting on with your life while doing these practices, but you realize that it's possible to over-control sensing functions that already work automatically. Finally, you can focus on thoughts and just notice tension and pain while allowing thoughts to just arise and pass away. Usually just noticing in a non-verbal way the pain associated with problematic auto-thinking is enough for the unconscious to notice that the mind is hurting itself, and in most cases it will learn and relax the tension on its own. Over many months and years, layers of habitual tension will fall away allowing for a new efficiency baseline of well-being and peace.
Adyashanti calls this True Meditation. He asks if the mind is bothered by a thought, and returns to the natural awareness of automatic sensation that works without need of an ego to control it. What is awareness's relationship with what's happening? Instead of having an idea of meditation as a reference, the reference turns to the natural state of being that operates independently of thought. Freedom must include all contents that arise in the mind with intimacy so more thoughts and feelings can be included. It reduces suppression and repression while at the same time allows for more memory-sensations to be countered by the body's natural operation. That natural way of being is already there so there's no need to figure out how awareness is supposed to be. Effortless Effort still requires an effort but it's the last form of effort needed, which is to make a priority to check in with the body. You're checking the automatic awareness and senses, not thoughts or images as a reference. What is awareness's relationship to the thought? Does it stay with it or move away? Use your moment to moment experience, not intellectual references. The effort is to be present. To reorient towards senses requires a little effort. The mind typically is conditioned by parenting and culture to analyze, get carried away, and act, but it requires a little effort to rein it in. The new habit is to prioritize that checking-in. Advanced skill allows you to be with conversations and experiences with sensory interest into the nature of what are sometimes difficult experiences. The prioritization requires a scientific interest to explore manifestation, including difficult manifestations. Reactivity becomes something that is more used when it's appropriate as opposed to a wild and uncontrolled response. The checking-in allows one to compare peace in the senses against stressful reactivity, and forces into consciousness a choice between relaxation or to stay with the reaction, if appropriate.
Adyashanti True Meditation: https://youtu.be/YAE1zaY-ogY?si=8_olVDd3BPmiGMH7
Adyashanti & Loch Kelly - The Journey After Awakening: https://youtu.be/MsVImg6imX8?si=jCvTUTW7PXBju8CB
This last point is important, because Psychoanalysis works similar to meditation in that with understanding how your brain works the structure of the mind reorganizes and learns to stop hurting itself. It's also similar in that the mindfulness in analysis gets people to notice how thoughts feel and how the kind of content in the mind affects the inner world, and therefore your well-being. For example, someone could be living in a lavish beach resort but their stressful job makes their mind into a jail. Some of consciousness in a busy life is under your control, but without enough understanding of what your actions are doing to you, opportunities are lost for well-being. The ultimate goal for therapy is for patients to move into a learning mentality where they can learn from mistakes without being stuck in ruminative preoccupation. On the other hand, what is different from Buddhism would be the feeling aspect. Instead of just looking at the pain, there's also courage to feel the pain and express it until discharge, because the patient understands that emotions can be exhausted, and therefore less problematic over time. The learning mentality then has to look at why the trauma happened and try to avoid the same thing in the future.
The Jhanas: https://rumble.com/v1gqznl-the-jhanas.html
How to gain Flow in 7 steps: https://rumble.com/v1gvked-how-to-gain-flow-in-7-steps.html
Mindfulness: Nirvana: https://rumble.com/v1grcgx-mindfulness-nirvana.html
For many people, meditation is plenty of therapy for them and all they will ever need. For many others, the content of thinking will be emphasized. Psychoanalysis moves beyond certain types of Buddhism and analyzes the problematic content that is interrupting concentration, well-being, and happiness. It looks at rumination, craving, and reactivity to see what can be resolved so that even more energy is saved. After exhaustion, problematic content desists its operation to steal attention away from your activities. This way, if you read about psychoanalysis, which most of the time is about an analyst helping an analysand in just this way, you can understand the therapeutic interpretations and interventions better, and hopefully benefit from it if it applies to your life. A later episode will go more into each personality problem. This one will focus more on stress, depression, and maladaptive coping in the Kleinian tradition.
Melanie Klein did write a lot of abstract theory, but thankfully she left behind many notes and lectures that flesh out the therapeutic process so as to help people notice their painful inner worlds and heal them. Before going into those methods, there also needs to be a disclaimer to define the limits of Psychoanalysis. Many people are debilitated by shame and guilt, sometimes only for only having bad thoughts, but not always. Some have serious misdeeds or crimes that they want to confess. A pathological secret. The reality in the therapeutic world is that there are laws that make mandatory disclosures of serious offenses to law enforcement compulsory for therapists to keep their license. They do have to protect your privacy for anything else, except for those sensitive areas. Many people feel guilty for serious undetected crimes and will not really receive any helpful therapy unless they confess, give themselves up to law enforcement and then start therapy afterwards along with their court sentencing. This is a dicey situation that appears again and again in psychology books where some therapists keep criminal things quiet in old case studies that you know in the modern world, it would not be allowed.
Case Studies: The 'Wolfman' (3/3) - Freud and Beyond: https://rumble.com/v1gulsf-case-studies-the-wolfman-33-freud-and-beyond.html
For example, there was a famous case study from Carl Jung where he had a depressed patient who may have killed her daughter by allowing her to taste impure water where she ended up dying of typhoid fever. The neglect would have been illegal, but Jung held back the information from authorities. "From the association test I had seen that she was a murderess, and I had learned many of the details of her secret. It was at once apparent that this was a sufficient reason for her depression. Essentially it was a psychogenic disturbance and not a case of schizophrenia. I told her everything I had discovered through the association test. It can easily be imagined how difficult it was for me to do this. To accuse a person point-blank of murder is no small matter. And it was tragic for the patient to have to listen to it and accept it. But the result was that in two weeks it proved possible to discharge her, and she was never again institutionalized. There were other reasons that caused me to say nothing to my colleagues about this case. I was afraid of their discussing it and possibly raising legal questions. Nothing could be proved against the patient, of course, and yet such a discussion might have had disastrous consequences for her. Fate had punished her enough! It seemed to me more meaningful that she should return to life in order to atone in life for her crime. When she was discharged, she departed bearing her heavy burden. She had to bear this burden. The loss of the child had been frightful for her, and her expiation had already begun with the depression and her confinement to the institution. In many cases in psychiatry, the patient who comes to us has a story that is not told, and which as a rule no one knows of. To my mind, therapy only really begins after the investigation of that wholly personal story. It is the patient's secret, the rock against which he is shattered." Even if someone hasn't committed murder, a patient should be careful about thoughts about wanting to murder someone. There will be questions about whether the analysand has plans to do that as an adult in therapy. Typically this won't be the case when therapy regresses to earlier levels when the patient was a minor and thinking hostile thoughts that weren't acted on. Admitting hatred for someone is safer territory.
What Happens if a Client Confesses to Murder? | Counselor Limits of Confidentiality - Dr. Todd Grande: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85IGJLxkqh4
4 Things NOT to Say to Your Therapist - Kati Morton: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H714wnQn2uw
In non-criminal situations, forgiveness and atonement should happen when possible, but in many situations, the offended party will not want to be contacted or the people involved are deceased. What was done in the past cannot be changed and if there are no authority figures involved like the police or courts, patients can't wait to learn lessons from the past, and they will need therapy as soon as possible to focus on what they should do next, or at least decide this for themselves. For example, people who have made a mess of relationships can be helped with therapy as well as innocent victims in other scenarios. Others who took on self-beliefs that are self-destructive, and people with more biologically influenced pathologies will be more welcomed by mental health professionals and mutual sympathy will be easier to develop. But another area where people will likely avoid therapy is when they feel that they are going to be put in a mental health facility. There will be a great desire to avoid being confined outside of the home. This may only delay therapeutic help, until things are so bad that a patient has to leave their home because of a major breakdown.
For those situations that are more accessible to talk therapy, patients and their typical pathological secrets involve some kind of weakness, guilt, shame, victimization, a socially unacceptable lifestyle, or some embarrassing flaw, where a confession will be welcomed by an understanding therapist. For example, Melanie found a common pattern with minors acting out sexually that caused their regular shame. She found that in the Oedipus Complex situation, children would replace the parents they couldn't have access to with other proximate objects. "There is another kind of experience in early childhood which strikes me as typical and exceedingly important. These experiences often follow closely in time upon the observations of coitus and are induced or fostered by the excitations set up thereby. I refer to the sexual relations of little children with one another, between brothers and sisters or playmates, which consist in the most varied acts...They are deeply repressed and have a cathexis of profound feelings of guilt...These feelings are mainly due to the fact that this love-object, chosen under the pressure of the excitation due to the Oedipus conflict, is felt by the child to be a substitute for the father or mother or both. Thus these relations, which seem, so insignificant and which apparently no child under the stimulus of the Oedipus development escapes, take on the character of an Oedipus relation actually realized, and exercise a determining influence upon the formation of the Oedipus complex, the subject's detachment from that complex and upon his later sexual relations. Moreover, an experience of this sort forms an important fixation-point in the development of the super-ego. In consequence of the need for punishment and the repetition-compulsion, these experiences often cause the child to subject himself to sexual traumata. In this connection I would refer you to Abraham (1927), who showed that experiencing sexual traumata is one part of the sexual development of children. The analytic investigation of these experiences, during the analysis of adults as well as of children, to a great extent clears up the Oedipus situation in its connection with early fixations, and is therefore important from the therapeutic point of view." Much of the therapeutic result is for adults to realize that their childhood understanding was limited and under a certain amount of determinism, so their adult self can be free to experiment and make more appropriate object choices and let go of infantile identifications. This includes choosing partners who are not necessarily like their parents or not like past childhood figures related to sexual trauma.
Enigma - Mea Culpa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_OZaZ2dUE4
With material that is comparatively easier to confess, the therapist still has a lot of exploratory work to get at, including the person attempting self-analysis. Emotions that are bothersome and require therapy to disentangle usually involve some events that weren't emotionally processed fully. The mind disassociates and distracts to avoid facing something. Unfortunately that material arises again and again looking for association, understanding, and discharge. Problematic content arises as an internal battle that is too uncomfortable to confront and resolve normally. Therefore, the initial stages of therapy involve more free association sessions, and there is a goal at first to collect the bulk of the material necessary to make therapeutic associations. Jumping to conclusions based on theory fails because the inner world of the patient is ignored and the stress related to unconscious conflicts is left unaddressed. "However much we know about [the mind's] workings, we are also well aware of the fact, which should make us sceptical and modest, that it is extremely difficult to know anything definite about another individual’s personality as a whole. If we come to think of it, how much do we know about those nearest to us: our parents, brothers and sisters and other near relatives, and intimate friends? Have we not been taken by surprise at some of their actions and reactions after having known them for many years? Have we not recognised that we have committed grave errors in our judgement of people we thought we knew perfectly well? And, to go a step farther, however much we have learnt to know about ourselves, have we not at times been taken by surprise at some of our own reactions in unexpected situations?"
Moving in the direction of transference reactivity, Melanie could peel back information from the analysand without needing a lot of rapid interpretations. Just let the harsh judgments against the therapist, symbolic content in free associations, and dreams speak for themselves. "The understanding of the transference situation is our 'Open Sesame' and every time we approach the patient’s mind with it the unconscious opens up to us. But then we have also to bear in mind that we must keep to this way to its very end. What counts in analytic work, in my experience, is the unconscious. Analysis is built on the discovery of the unconscious, and all we have learned about the personality as a whole is due to our understanding of the workings of the unconscious." The farther back the maladaptive projections can be traced, the easier it is for a patient to disidentify with those archaic coping mechanisms and achieve a therapeutic result. "These facts in relation to the transference become fully comprehensible only by studying the nature of early object relations. Here I can only summarise our knowledge by saying that from the beginning both love and hate relate to the same object. The mother, and her breast and milk, is the first loved object but also the first hated object when she causes frustration and therefore both love and fears of retaliation are connected with her. We then split this mother who is both desired and loved, and hated and feared, into two mothers, as it were, a good and a bad. But there is also a strong tendency in the mind to bring the two aspects together again and to modify the bad mother by combining her again to some extent with the good mother and creating a compromise. So we go on all through development and even to some extent through life, dividing and combining again. And we do all this first in relation to our primary objects, the real father and mother; partly in relation to our 'internal objects', our pictures of father, mother etc. in our minds, our imagos."
The pathological mind has distorted visions of others and of oneself, but those distorted thoughts constantly look for relief by venting in the proximate environment. "...There is a strong tendency in the individual to externalise some figures and internalise others, as well as to distribute his love, his feelings of guilt, his restitutive tendencies, on to some people, and his hate, his dislike, his anxiety on to others, and to find different representatives for his imagos in the external world, because a constant relief of pressure can thus be obtained. These mechanisms, which are fundamental for the development of object relations, are also at the bottom of transference phenomena."
Case Studies: The 'Ratman' - Freud and Beyond: https://rumble.com/v1gu9qj-case-studies-the-ratman-freud-and-beyond.html
The environment of a psychoanalytic clinic, and the position of the analyst, make them appear like an authority figure which becomes easy for the analysand to project on. All those pathological predictions, based on past abuse, guilt and shame feelings, can demonstrate their distortions on this stranger and analyst, and because analysts are fallible, a negative transference is on its way. "We start with the present, with the transference situation, and find our way back into the past. Whatever the patient has to say, referring to his actual life, or his history, the transference situation is never far away. After all, we must not forget that the patient speaks to the analyst lying on his couch, in his room, with all the associations belonging to the transference situation. Therefore, he can as little dissociate himself from the relation to the analyst as he can from his phantasies and from his unconscious. This is also shown by the fact that however absorbed the patient may be in his subject matter, he will at once detect the slightest lessening of interest on the part of the analyst."
The relief the patient wants is to be closer to the innocence of a child before feelings of guilt could accrue with mistakes and age. For Klein, this guilt starts earlier than Freud, where the child receives the first failure from parents to provide for a need. The child receives enough sustenance from the mother to love the mother while at the same time hate her for any unreliability. The coping mechanisms develop and repeat and then become coping skills, including maladaptive ones, that are used with later intimate partners and in the workplace. Maladaptive responses then create feelings of guilt and may be felt to be a part of the personality after enough time has passed. We don't only love, but we desire to control and exploit what we love. For Klein, influenced by Abraham, the early frustrations with the breast involve an oral-sadism to control the contents of the breast, to drain and exhaust, and can culminate into eating and destruction attitudes after teething. The therapeutic level would be to see how one exploits others, tries to drain them, and the damage it can cause to relationships. If there's more awareness and enough disidentification, then more adult coping methods can be taken on to prevent new relationships from again giving way to guilt and disappointment. Earlier anal-sadistic desires to remove or destroy what is not wanted, in simple evacuation, or to control feces, to be controlling in life, can give signals as to some of the muscle tension operating in daily life unbeknownst to how archaic the influence is. Even if the desire to control can appear hateful, it's because there is something of value underlying that the person wants to control. Nobody tenses up and controls an environment that is emotionally neutral.
Enigma - Return To Innocence: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk_sAHh9s08
"All feelings of love begin with the libidinal impulses especially the libidinal attachment to the mother (her breast) and from the very beginning of development, hate and aggression are active, as well as the powerful libidinal urges. When the infant is able to perceive and to take in his mother as a whole being, and the libidinal attachment to her breast grown into feelings of love towards her as a person, he becomes prey to the most conflicting feelings. I hold the view that feelings of sorrow, guilt and anxiety are experienced by the infant when he comes to realise to a certain extent that his loved object is the same as the one he hates and has attacked and is going on attacking in his uncontrollable sadism and greed, and that sorrow, guilt and anxiety are part and parcel of the complex relation to objects which we call love...In order to escape from the unbearable burden of sorrow and guilt and anxiety which is being felt in relation to loved and endangered objects, internal and external, the ego tries to turn away and to deflect its love from them, since his sufferings are partly a consequence of his love. One notable way of doing this is by increasing one’s hate and one’s grievances against the objects, that is to say, to reinforce the projection mechanisms. My experience has shown me that we are not in a position to judge either the amount of love or of hate which is present in any person until we have understood the ways in which love can become buried under hate and the reactions which have then again been formed against this hate."
Because there are bodily symptoms related to control, then for Melanie, the Super-ego begins to move beyond a pure parental influence. It's a mixture of parental influences as well as control mechanisms coming from the child to hatefully control what is lovable. "Through better understanding of the structure of the super-ego, we see that its nucleus is formed by images of a very primitive type which are active in the tiny infant’s mind; frightening figures which devour and persecute. But when we went deep enough into the unconscious to discover these, this work also brought to light imagos of contrary kind, helping, gratifying and reassuring figures, which we know under the name of 'good' objects, and which are also active from the beginning of development." This puts to rest any clichés about being a "lover" not a "fighter." If the love is intense enough, one will fight for it at varying levels of ferocity. Eventually, actors in the real world will be labeled as being more or less cooperative, or good or bad objects, often with distorted projections to make some angels and others devils. This includes the therapist. "It has long been known that the analyst can stand for the real father, mother, or other people of the child’s early environment, but that he is also sometimes given the part of the super-ego, and at other times that of the id by the patient." Being forced to play different parts provides an experience of the inner conflict between good and evil felt in the patient.
The Ego and the Id - Sigmund Freud: https://rumble.com/v1gvdo1-the-ego-and-the-id-sigmund-freud.html
Angels and Devils - Echo and the Bunnymen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq8k5zNhyOI
Enigma - Sadeness - Part i: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F9DxYhqmKw
As the analysis continues for weeks, months and years, the analyst will be forced to play many different parts under various levels of control that will provide material for interpretation to understand the patient's inner world. "We see that the analyst may change from one moment to another, from a kindly figure to a dangerous persecutor, from an internal figure to a real person. Looking at the structure of the super-ego in the way I have suggested, we are able to detect in the transference situation very fine distinctions between the roles the analyst is made to take in the patient’s mind, and we can observe the very quick changes from one to another." Which objects are being projected onto the analyst is based on relational profiles coming from descriptions of friends and family of the patient. Without those other people being present, then errors projected onto the analyst can provide clues as to the accuracy of those profiles. Each wrong guess aimed at the therapist provides valuable information for interpretation. "There is so much reality in phantasy and so much phantasy in reality...To what extent reality and phantasy are intermingled is only to be revealed by analysing the transference situation, whereby we are able to discover the past both in its real and in its phantastic aspects."
Like in my review of the consequences of projection in the Fear of Success series, there is an energy waste in projective expectations. Wrong expectations create draining disappointment. The therapeutic result is for emotions and reactivity to react more to real details than just imagined catastrophes, or living in idealized expectations that are guaranteed to disappoint. It has to be seen that important real events provide material for predictions, but those predictions don't often have enough material to predict accurately. Leaving those failures unaddressed leads to bad coping, and with repetition, they turn into "anti-skills" that are maladaptive. The super-ego begins to develop a habit of distorted predictions that assail the ego in its attempt to deal with the real world. "...If we come to understand the phantasies which were confirmed and strengthened by the mother’s unkind behaviour, and the extent to which guilt and anxiety, because of the person’s impulses and phantasies were active in connection with these experiences, then we are able to undo to a greater or lesser extent, the harmful effect of these experiences...Memories of [the mother's] kindness, which had been there as well as her unkindness, come up; and one might even discover that her unkindness had been much exaggerated in the patient’s mind by projection...Another important point to be considered is to what extent the child, wanting punishment and harshness for internal reasons, had influenced his mother’s attitude towards him...I wish now to show that it is often that the effect of analysis is to prove that the terrible mother has not actually been so terrible, or had been much less terrible than the patient imagined, and has also provided trust and kindness which he is grateful for. And in contrast to this, the analysis can also clarify the patient’s image of an idealised mother, and of the denial that went along with this, and show her deficiencies, which had been denied, and the effect these deficiencies had on the child’s mind...The past appears to the patient in a more realistic light."
Object Relations: Fear Of Success Pt. 7: https://rumble.com/v3ub2sa-object-relations-fear-of-success-pt.-7.html
So, if you idealize people you may tolerate their abuse. If you devalue them, you might eliminate potentially good relationships. If you approach people with splitting you deny many of their real characteristics. This is often how toxic relationships are maintained. The abuser gives you some good things but then expects you to tolerate much worse. If patients can see how they overvalued their parents in the Oedipus Complex, and see how they created an inappropriate relationship template for themselves, then they can now see their role in bad relationships and stop desiring people and things with bad tradeoffs. HG Tudor calls this environmental influence Ever Presence. You can scan your life for people, places, and things that offered some "good times," that made you tolerate some kind of disadvantages, and then use disenchantment to remove overestimation from your life. For people stuck in this kind of repetition, it requires a constant reminder of the consequences of staying in those relationships, juxtaposed to the inferior temptations.
The Sinister Core of Love-Bombing Explained... - Kim Saeed: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/4qVr-VVcuXs
7 Preventative Hoovers : Mid Range Narcissist - HG Tudor: https://youtu.be/zNjHn8UBfEQ?si=ZRWNf75uXFYNULpG
Ever Presence - HG Tudor: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqsq_Dzo60U
Bullying as Art, Abuse as Craftsmanship - Sam Vaknin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2ucwtmsz0c
A successful analysis may take a long time because certain confessions of embarrassing details will take a lot of trust on the part of the patient before they will divulge. Both symbolic and dream material will constantly point at a sore spot in the mind that will require some hovering in the analysis. "...In analysis we should get to know as much as possible about the patient’s life. But our attempts to do so are often frustrated for some length of time by the very fact that the same mechanisms and processes which are underlying the transference phenomena are partly responsible for the patient’s temporarily keeping his actual life from us, whilst enabling him to tell us more of his phantasies...In the process of repression, hate is disconnected from the original object, the love feelings towards the object also become impeded...The analyst must, however, keep well in mind the fact that this withholding of material, phantasies or information about real life, is a sign of marked anxiety and that no analysis can be regarded as well advanced until that anxiety is diminished and the patient can tell about all sides of his mental life...What matters in analysing phantasies, at whatever stages of the analysis it may be, is whether or not the analyst is able to find the links between them and the patient’s experiences in the past and present...The patient’s phantasies appear in the transference situation in such a variety of expressions and through such circuitous routes that it requires a corresponding versatility and imagination on the part of the analyst to follow them...If the various phantastic images get projected on to the analyst and thus become analysed in the transference situation the super-ego will gradually become less severe and at the same time the analyst more real to the patient. What I have said applies equally to the phantastically bad and to the phantastically good imagos."
As these transferences get challenged and compared to reality and distortions are discovered, the patient gradually gets to understand his or her inner world. Catharsis and abreaction isn't all dramatic and epic. It can just be bringing up a real memory and feeling the consequences that happened in reality, so that the feeling is not dissociated and ignored. Seeing how little control one had as a child, the weak coping mechanisms and all the behaviors that developed before adulthood, and especially FEELING the memories, increases the learning, fair judgment, balance and disenchantment with archaic influences. When unfair judgments are relinquished, the loving aspects in the hated objects begin to return and there's a desire for reparation with those objects. They are not split into idealized or demonized objects anymore, and because the mind is imitative, the relaxation of the hatred and the increase of love towards others, including the recovered internal good objects, they can also become a support in the mind for self-love and the ability to love, to cooperate once more. If this doesn't happen then there is "...no internal good figure helping [the patient] to put his objects right." The patient has to see "...how the influence of friendly people goes to build up good imagos and to diminish the anxiety of bad ones, while the influence of frustrating or frightening real objects and situations is apt to increase the predominance of the bad internal objects."
When there's success, patients see the good in the distortedly negative objects and then see the good in the therapist, so a more positive transference returns. "Whenever this happens, a strong relief of anxiety is obtained, since reparative tendencies are such an important means of mastering it. Actually one can often observe in child-analysis that when an interpretation is in process of resolving anxiety, that the child turns from burning and destroying things to a constructive play, and becomes peaceful. Then the child has been projecting his loving feelings on to the object, the analyst, the object by this means becoming good also in his mind, and thus the ego introjects the analyst as a good object." The therapeutic effect is a discontinuation of stressful predictive, ruminating, rehearsing thoughts. One looks for real details to prove predictions instead of just jumping to conclusions and good internal objects provide a support when the environment changes and becomes more hostile. This of course can then be a motivator for the patient to want to look for better environments. Seeing clearly what is realistically good also provides opportunities for healthy imitations.
This opportunity to see the internal mind, so that the patient can see their projections in real time, helps to deflate the need to believe those projections or follow them. Like seeing objects in clouds, fire, or physical patterns, they can be real time proof for a person to see how the inner world is coloring the neutral environment. What are the things that your inner world readily recognizes? This is where Rorschach and ink blot tests got their prominence in the 20th century. What people are able to see in these blots tells much about their inner worlds, especially if there are many tests over a period of time. When patients see the destructiveness of their distorted views and their lack of skills, they can catch their preemptive strikes against others, the potential mistakes, and the certain guilt that will be felt if those projections are acted on. There's a motivation now to discontinue these self-sabotaging distortions. "But I myself was also one of the injured objects. We found, namely, that the teacup, which he had wanted to smash in his despair when he had felt that I was going to give him up, stood for me. When, after my interpretation, the patient realised that something destructive he had actually wanted to do was intended to be done to me, strong anxiety and feelings of guilt came up...This feeling that he expressed with great affect in the analysis was a repetition of his early aggressive impulses against his mother...when he wanted her breast and could not have it. The hate and aggression thus aroused made him feel that she would never come back because he had killed her." Analysts can ask themselves "what is the patient's mind trying to do? What is it trying to satisfy? What are the frustrations? How far back do those frustrations go?" to understand the symbolic content, body language, and transferences.
Because the ego in Freudian analysis is more about the reality principle, it's easy to say that treatment success happens when there is an increase in the ego, but because the super-ego is so powerful, and operates automatically in the mind for most people, therapists are constantly having to work on their patient's super-ego, to reduce the wasted energy that distorted predictions make. It's a bit like the therapist is being the ego for the patient until they can operate their ego independently "...The main purpose of the psychoanalytic process [is] towards a mitigation of the severity of the super-ego. That is to say, we have set going certain alterations in processes of the patient’s mind by means of which his anxiety of his frightening imagos has been reduced and the bad imagos in his mind have become less dangerous. In other words, we have initiated a more benign circle in the patient’s mind. Anxiety and, in turn, aggression, have lessened, constructiveness and feelings of love have come more to the fore, and trust and confidence have increased all round. In this connection I want to stress again that to achieve this aim, which is the essence of psychoanalytic work, we are guided by the principle that we should analyse the transference situation in connection with the exploration of the unconscious by means of the unique instrument of interpretation. I do not believe that there is any other way by which the analyst might try to make himself a more real figure to the patient."
Good interpretations usually bring up real memories that don't conform to the projection. Each real memory rebuilds the realistic object, and as defined above, objects are impressions of real people. "Thus the distorted picture of the object may prevail, while the real picture is more or less buried. This understanding of the object as it really is, is bound to reappear in the transference situation. Moreover, and together with this, a growing insight develops in the patient’s mind of his own mental processes and at the same time of the actual feelings and motives of other people." In a way, the patient has to separate out their self-interest to see the true motives of others, who of course have their own self-interests. If one is obsessed with making people behave and conform, they are truly not accepting their independence. By challenging the accuracy of projections and by showing contrary evidence, love is freed up because love is often sympathetic to people who are not deceptive and are just trying their best, even if they make mistakes from time to time. If there's a chance for emotional reciprocity in the old relationships, there is also a chance at reparation.
To get at these therapeutic results, timing is everything. As material is gathered, there are different levels of anxiety that show that one is closer to the mark and the patient is ready for a resonating interpretation. "The interpretation should be timely, which means, it should be given at the time when the analyst detects signs of latent anxiety. It must be specific, that is, it should be directed to that part of the material which is associated with the greatest amount of latent anxiety and of id-impulse. It must connect with the layer of the mind which has been activated at that precise moment. All of this implies that the interpretation should intervene at a point of urgency in the unconscious material, as it emerges in relation to the transference...Where the point of urgency is will be shown by the multiplicity and repetition, often in varied forms, of representation of the same unconscious content, and in some cases also by the intensity of feeling attached to such representations." Then when people abreact to the painful imagoes enough times, those imagoes become progressively more boring. Because the affect has been vented and exhausted, and the insightful interpretation was sufficiently understood, a learning mentality arises. One learns to react with more accuracy to situations and there's a window of opportunity to improve people skills. This leads to a therapeutic result where that material connected with the anxiety arises less often in day to day consciousness. The analysand has learned from the past and is not stuck in unconscious associations. "An interpretation is an action which definitely establishes connections where they have been broken off for unconscious reasons. I believe that even establishing links between the conscious and the pre-conscious always implies connections with the unconscious as well..."
Interpretations are based on smaller links of material that build up "like a mosaic; one has to put each little piece where it fits into the whole picture. Now we can take that simile as an image of linking. The picture gets fuller and fuller, because we link one situation with another, one piece of material with another; because we go back to material which very early on foreshadowed something which has now become more distinct." The need for so much information and linking is to surround the sore spot of the pathological secret or the most difficult reality the patient cannot face. "This brings us to the whole question of integration and the anxiety that it stirs up. Because a great deal of anxiety is raised at the point of integration, so that we sometimes find the patient going off to withdraw entirely at this point, because he cannot bear to face it, it is too painful, too frightening, and may be unbearable. Or we might find that he moves on to talk about something entirely different. Now how do we link that? We have to listen to what we are being told, even if it seems to move away entirely from what has just been said. The patient may strongly contradict it, or it is projected onto some other person, or onto the analyst. But if we bear in mind that the splitting has happened precisely at the moment of integration, we shall know better how to proceed. We shall understand how the patient may only gradually become able to bear integration." Integration happens when the distorted splitting is made to confront reality and readjust its appraisals, and it points to situations, often of trauma, where the maladaptive coping was used in the past.
If they never get to the anxious sore spot, then the analysis has to continue on until the patient is ready to confess something or describe an experience that is normally too painful to communicate to a complete stranger. The mosaic and links will keep bringing the analyst back to the same territory again and again. The analyst may have to ask "what happened there? When this happened was there something else that happened?" Typically there's some abuse content, or there is a guilt feeling based on a shameful desire, or a hatred of a loved object that causes feelings of guilt, for thinking or expressing that hatred or violence. There could be also one or many experiences of devaluation where an incident, or incidents, reduced the status of the patient in a marked way that annihilated the infantile self-esteem, sending them on the wrong track thus forward.
If there are stronger defenses, like found in difficult personality disorders, those defenses may seem actually offensive to the therapist, and their countertransference can be activated. Again, understanding defense mechanisms is a way to prevent shock or surprise. Both the therapist and the patient can use projective identification, but the difference between how the projective identification is used, has to do with motive. Analysts put themselves into the shoes of patients so as to get to know their inner world better, but at the same time they have to avoid manipulating the patient with cookie-cutter interpretations to force an outcome. The interpretation needs to come out independently from the content of the patient. On the other hand, when patients are severely pathological, the motivation of projective identification is because "...the patient violently wants to put himself into the analyst to get mixed up with him and to put all his depression, aggression, violence and so on, into the analyst. I am sure that is the reason why the analysis of schizophrenics is more tiring, even if one has been able to guard oneself against it." Projective identifications can also influence suggestive people to imitate their mistakes. By doing this they can relieve pressure from shame in their minds by normalizing that shame onto the gullible target.
Cluster B types, including Narcissists, can gain a sense of superiority by rattling the therapist. The therapy cannot be derailed and it has to return to the goal of illuminating the inner world of the patient, to the patient, so they can function better with that knowledge. "What motive is projective identification used; that is extremely important. Here we come to the well-known fault of analysts who suddenly become very active on behalf of the patient, because they have become the patient. As you said, they are in his shoes, and there the motivation and the degree of identification is so important. Up to a point I think that this is done to be helpful and to understand the patient, but the question of re-integration is extremely important, to be able to take it back sufficiently to think, 'Now I understand what is going on in the patient' and 'Now I am myself again'...It is not in order to control him that I project myself into him, it is to see what is going on in him, and to be able to understand him. It is not only the degree, it is the motivation which is so important. If it is in order to control him because I am so dissatisfied with him as a person and very much wish to change him and therefore put myself into him, and I’m going to make a nicer person out of him, then I am sure that it has entirely gone wrong." Curiosity instead was a boundary shield for Melanie Klein. "Instead of taking on the state of mind the patient is attempting to create in her, Klein was prepared to say 'No!' to the projection and to continue to observe the patient despite her own disturbance. In her approach to the patient Klein was very influenced by her wish to know, that is, the wish to explore the mind of the patient whatever that mind was like. This is a very important quality for an analyst and although she accepted that it was not always possible, she argued that this kind of narrowing of curiosity to focus on the patient was central to her attitude."
Self-esteem
As described above, Klein found that the therapist's role as a transference object is to be a new role model so that a person with a weak object inner world can slowly develop a new realistically positive object inside that is supportive and a cheerleader for the patient. With poor parenting, that object isn't there and quite likely there are negative objects with poisonous views. Just like Freud's problem with the "Wolf Man," many patients continue to repeat prior scenarios of their lives despite finding some freedom in the analytical space, and these disappointments led Freud to go Beyond The Pleasure Principle, to posit a death drive, where death is seen as the most permanent way to relieve internal struggles, a Nirvana Principle. The pleasure and reality principles were constantly flouted in failed therapies and Freud had to account for the variance. In The Language of Psychoanalysis, the contradiction was defined. "The fact is that when what are clearly unpleasant experiences are repeated, it is hard to see at first glance just what agency of the mind could attain satisfaction by this means. Although these are obviously irresistible forms of behaviour, having that compulsive character which is the mark of all that emanates from the unconscious, it is nonetheless difficult to show anything in them which could be construed—even if it were seen as a compromise—as the fulfilment of a repressed wish."
The Pleasure Principle - Sigmund Freud: https://rumble.com/v1gurqv-the-pleasure-principle-sigmund-freud.html
Beyond the Pleasure Principle - Freud & Beyond - War Pt. (2/3): https://rumble.com/v1gv855-beyond-the-pleasure-principle-freud-and-beyond-war-pt.-23.html
In modern therapy circles, this parenting period that gives children the chance to play and learn about themselves, can be a failure by parents for the patient and it leads to "stagnation or lack of growth in counseling work and in life, such as career choices or relationship patterns. [This] can be an indicator that a client’s self-esteem is out of whack. This can be the case both when an individual is overconfident and when they lack confidence and believe they are not good enough...Clients who struggle with low self-esteem may be stuck in patterns that include staying in jobs or relationships that aren’t fulfilling, healthy or a good fit for them. They generally lack the confidence to seek or picture themselves in a better situation. These clients may have internalized the message 'I’m not good enough.' Patterns of accepting and allowing others to treat them poorly can be a sign that a person has low self-esteem, as can behaviors that indicate they don’t trust themselves, such as asking a lot of questions or constantly seeking advice from others. When low self-esteem copresents with depression, it can manifest as listlessness or hopelessness. These clients simply may not know themselves well and struggle to find things that they enjoy or are good at, from hobbies to job skills."
Self-esteem root and branch by Rachel Bar-Yossef-Dadon: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/04/self-esteem-tending-to-the-roots-and-branches/
From the Freudian standpoint, frustrations and stress in life affect the energy flow, or libido, in the patient. "Freud coined the term 'initial narcissism' and 'secondary narcissism'. The concept 'initial narcissism' defines the basic and natural love of any baby and person of himself, which derives from a sense of omnipotence. During one's development, this sense of omnipotence is necessarily damaged due to the frustrations of reality and therefore the child, in normal development, turns his libido and self-love towards others. If there is a problem in the transfer of energy investment from the self to others, then 'secondary narcissism' develops by which the person is preoccupied with himself as a result of not appreciating himself enough and thus being incapable of investing sufficient love and libido in others." That self-preoccupation can dominate in the adult life as seen in Freud's Mourning and Melancholia. Essentially the patient is wasting their energy in this self-preoccupation and now has no energy left for engaging in healthy relationships. "The patient represents his ego to us as worthless and morally despicable; he reproaches and vilifies himself and expects to be cast out and punished. He abases himself before everyone and commiserates with his own relatives for being connected with someone so unworthy."
These attitudes make a patient a prime candidate for repetition compulsion, because their ego lacks the love and support to captain the mind and direct it independently. The pain requires addictions to numb them and the entire environment has to be changed or avoided for people to exist in it. Other people can also sense the self-preoccupation, which is a healthy warning signal that the person they are with is hiding their self-esteem issues and being inauthentic. Authentic people are capable of being vulnerable in a variety of situations, and the internal love allows them to tolerate criticism or rejection. Of course, one has to be open about those issues and actively combat them with skill development, to slide into a learning mentality, and away from the self-hatred trap. Self-hatred leads to sadomasochistic reactions that can attack oneself or project and attack others, hence the reason why inauthentic, perfectionist, purity believing types have a dangerous severe super-ego that attacks itself and others: Essentially being out of control. This is also a problem for religions. Unless the religion implants a parental replacement inside of the follower with a loving internal object, it will often resort to an all or nothing splitting tendency to attack oneself and others, regardless of the religious denomination. This is why awareness of this often repeated tendency in culture is so important. A good portion of politics, terrorism, war, class strife, identity strife, etc., is a consequence of self-hatred, a lack of self-acceptance, and it always leads to destruction of cultures if it spreads too far and wide. The difficulty is making sure that the patient can accept themselves as they are, just like an ideal parent, while at the same time have them be convinced that they are capable of learning. Clouds of past shame are distorting if they insist that the patient is incapable of learning. When a learning mentality is adopted it doesn't require that one forgets the past, and when the past can be integrated as a lesson, it increases confidence so that action towards life can begin again. The litmus test would be based on marked changes in behavior with a reduction of self-preoccupation.
Both Freud and Jung believed that one has to make things conscious before one can control those contents. Jung said "until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." This means that you can't analyze your dreams as if they are 100% on your side and helpful to you. They will contain the inner world at the current level that it is, and reflect the kind of people that are influencing you in the environment as described above. Only through seeing the causes and effects of life decisions from the past, when you had a childish lack of skill, while allowing the feelings of loss, consequences, damage, and grief over the ruin of your life, then the mind can begin to process and let go of those maladaptive coping mechanisms that are the anti-thesis of learning. With strong defenses to protect against painful affect, this makes the psychoanalytic therapy process a long one that can last into years, depending on the patient. During this time there can be a lot of relapses into repetition.
To understand these complex inner workings involving relapse, it's good to survey psychoanalytic definitions describing how we take in objects and project them out onto others. When people cannot see how they are playing out relationships between their parents inside of themselves, that playing out will happen without it being seen by the subject. For example, Melanie Klein had a bad marriage with a lack of desire for sex with her husband, but she also noticed that her mother was somewhat frigid with her father in autobiographical accounts. That's an example of how both genetics and imitation work together to provide a coping skill level for the child that follows into adulthood if not made conscious. These objects have relationships in the inner world of the patient and they repeat with a sense of trying to figure out the links. In the Little Hans paper, Freud said of recurring material that "in an analysis, a thing which has not been understood inevitably reappears; like an unlaid ghost, it cannot rest until the mystery has been solved and the spell broken."
The mind is full of past understandings of what was alluring, including those things that create internal conflicts related to consequences. Because the short-term mind can get carried away with one or the other, it has trouble assimilating them into a balance. When one is meditating, it's easy to see many opposites appear into consciousness as thoughts arise and pass away. For Freud, the meditative process is altered to make the unconscious conscious through free association so that one should be able to see projection and introjection via "the original pleasure-ego [wanting] to introject into itself everything that is good and [ejecting] from itself everything that is bad." Projection and introjection involve the outer and inner worlds of influence. With Incorporation, one is identifying good, bad, or inbetween objects, almost like the activity of a food tasting. With Internalization, or Introjection, outer relationships between people become internal relationships, including their conflicts and struggles, as well as their successful behaviors. The outer conflicts turn into inner arguments. Identification overlaps many incorporations and introjections, as well as group identifications. In the end, you can identify in whole or in part, with other people. Contradictions and disharmonies about what is actually good or bad from these disparate influences can reside in the Super-ego side by side and conflict with the Ego's attempts to work with reality. You can literally see the pathway on how to be somebody else and take in all those cultural contradictions and disharmonies, starting with sampling and culminating in habit.
Group Psychology - Freud & Beyond - War Pt. (3/3): https://rumble.com/v1gvcxr-group-psychology-freud-and-beyond-war-pt.-33.html
In Klein's method, one has to clear up the inconsistencies in the Super-ego to allow smoother functioning and a therapeutic result. This can be seen by watching the conflicts play out in analysis. "My experience has confirmed my belief that if I construe the dislike at once as anxiety and negative transference feeling and interpret it as such in connection with the material which the child at the same time produces and then trace it back to its original object, the mother, I can at once observe that the anxiety diminishes. This manifests itself in the beginning of a more positive transference and, with it, of more vigorous play..." The importance of tracing internalizations back in time is to see how habitual they have become. Freud said that "…what is called an 'identification'—that is to say, the assimilation of one ego to another one, as a result of which the first ego behaves like the second in certain respects, imitates it and in a sense takes it up into itself. Identification has been not unsuitably compared with the oral, cannibalistic incorporation of another person. It is a very important form of attachment to someone else, probably the very first, and not the same thing as the choice of an object." In reality, the choice of an object later on is helped by understanding the positive and negative repercussions of the imitated behavior of the earliest days. When reminiscences of the past are colored with emotion, one can ask "where did I learn that? Is it harmful in some way? Is it truly my identity, or just an imitation from culture that is now a habit?" When therapists make conscious a patient's maladaptive reactions going back to when they were first used, there's at least a chance now to convince the patient that the allure of the old attachment to parents, and those archaic coping methods, are not worth repeating. Of course, anything discovered that is maladaptive may have an opposite and that can also provide constructive opportunities to develop something new that is unfamiliar. Even the word familiar, has the root word family in it. One can also work backwards from a desirable end point and seek out the realistic supports that make its manifestation possible. If there are behaviors that you are not doing, and neither did your parents, that's an example right there of making something unconscious conscious.
Regardless of the pathology, it comes down to behaviors or actions. When you do good things for yourself again and again it reinforces healthy identifications and builds the good object in the mind. When bad behaviors repeat, then the worst objects develop instead. This is why constructing better inner worlds can be a long process, especially for inner worlds that are more like hell-scapes. Work done by the therapist can be undone by poor choices. For example, a difficult kind of repeating patient would be that of a pedophile. In the 20th century, Emanuel Hammer described their inner worlds with certain patterns showing up for male pedophiles. "One of the most striking findings in all groups is a pervasive fear of heterosexual contact...showing hostility toward the mature female sex object...What causes this fear of the adult female sex-object?...[There are] unconscious castration fears, feelings of tremendous guilt in sexual areas and anticipation of awful punishment. The castration factors also appear as feelings that they are damaged and that they are not complete units within themselves. Their projective protocols are replete with responses reflecting fears and feelings of genital mutilation and injury, phallic impotency and inadequacy...Almost every one of the subjects exhibited, on the basis of psychological examination and/or psychiatric interview: (1) as a reaction to massive Oedipal entanglements, castration fear or feelings and fear of approaching mature females psychosexually; (2) interpersonal inhibitions of schizoid to schizophrenic proportions; (3) weak ego-strength and lack of adequate control of impulses; and (4) concrete orientation and minimal capacity for sublimation..."
In Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy in the Kleinian Tradition, Jean Arundale describes a more modern inner world for this type. There is a "style of communication in perversions—the disturbances in symbolic functioning leading to concrete thinking, omnipotent autistic domination of the object, and excessive use of projective identification—as often underpinning the severe disturbance in object relationships, together with an interference in thinking and reality testing...[There is] inhibited genital sexuality, inadequate identifications, strong defences against depressive anxiety, and a sadomasochistic narcissistic organization. [There is a] use of the sexual object in the perversion as an 'as-if transitional object' directed against anxiety states in an act of reparation to the self, creating an infant self idolized by the mother...Pedophiles experience the wish for love and intimacy as annihilatory; they fear being taken over totally. It is felt to be too dangerous to make the identifications with parental objects, enabling development of the self structure to take place, because of a fear of invasion and possession. The pedophile, fueled by an inordinate degree of castration anxiety, defends against the catastrophe of fusion or possession by narcissistic withdrawal, self-preservative aggression, and the domination and control of objects such that they are given no independent existence. The pedophilic act bestows upon the child self the love that the pedophile was deprived of, without the necessity for a real relationship."
These case studies are full of repetition compulsion and Jean for example had a patient for eight years before the analysis had to break off due to the patient having to move far away. In her case study, the patient came to her after other failed treatments, including penile electroshock therapy. He "became disillusioned with the treatment and lost hope in it as a means of changing his sexual orientation. Up to this point, his sexual outlet was to masturbate on the weekends while smoking cannabis and having fantasies of boys. Incited by the news of a proposal in Holland to lower the age of consent for homosexuals, he began to hint that he was going to return to the active practice of pedophilia." After five years, the patient brought into therapy some of his dreams, providing a deeper glimpse into his inner world. One dream involved "terrifying female figures—monster women with tentacles or snakes for breasts, evil, wild-haired women with a missing arm or leg, waiting for him in a cave or at the end of a tunnel." As the therapy continued, his inner world improved very incrementally. Another dream found the patient "reconstructing a house and building new structures on dilapidated buildings." Later on "he dreamt of a child in prison who was being rescued, clearly his own child self becoming freer and making contact." Towards the termination of the therapy he regressed to older hatreds of adult sexuality. He said that "'sexual feeling between adults is perverse', and he had a dream of his parents having violent, disgusting sexual intercourse, smearing shit." This is the test of long therapy to show the limits of how much can change in an inner world that is so damaged.
In Repetitive and Maladaptive Behavior, by Brad Bowins, the author went back to Freud's death drive and reviewed experiences that other psychoanalysts had with repeating thoughts and behavior. "Freud indicated that there exists a demonic aspect derived from id resistance. He viewed the compulsion to repeat as exemplifying the typical resistance of the unconscious...Negative transference itself can be viewed as a specialized form of repetition compulsion. Clearly, from the therapist’s perspective repetition compulsion represents a path of resistance." Freud's instinct conservatism in the death drive was how it made the tension go down to zero and it aimed to do this in all experiences. To develop new skills, it requires some tension, and in some cases, a lot of tension. People have to tolerate criticism, failure, and they need strength in the inner world to persist in development. The nirvana principle does not like this tension. The comfort zone ironically may include many bad behaviors because there's less tension in repetition in these dark inner worlds than there is in acting in new ways. Skills also have a gradient and what is more exciting to the mind is what seems accessible, like finding low hanging fruit, and following the path of least resistance. The life drive has to harness introjection of part-behaviors, make a good object inside the inner world, and to make familiar what is unfamiliar, which is the Uncanny: the border between what is conscious in our development and what is unconscious and undeveloped, and also scary. Narcissists may work backwards from an ego-ideal, simulate the behaviors, display a pristine pure identity to get attention from others, but in all authenticity, there has to be some enjoyment of the results for a true introjection to take place. Identification has to be excited and interested in those good results for their own sake. Hence such a long process.
The therapist's self-esteem By Bethany Bray: https://www.longdom.org/open-access/therapists-sense-of-low-selfesteem-87240.html
The Ego and the Id - Sigmund Freud: https://rumble.com/v1gvdo1-the-ego-and-the-id-sigmund-freud.html
For Klein, there are many ways for repetition compulsion to manifest in the lives of patients. One of the common manifestations for many is to return to past relationships that are toxic, and the motivation is often to master and or repair those situations into health, despite the fact that many of these situations cannot be repaired. Regardless, for some there remains a belief that one can find a way. This is even more doomed when the same pathological methods of relating are repeated. "Primitive reparation leads to further damage of the patient’s internal objects, thus creating a situation where any attempt to restore the object leads to new damage, hurt and guilt. This may be one of the mechanisms fueling the repetition compulsion which in its own right can be seen as a desperate and failing reparative attempt." This would apply to any situation when a poor choice is made coinciding with a lack of skill and development. In the the typical situation of the pathological relationship, it involves the Trojan Horse, where people try to repair the relationship by creating new positive projects to share pleasure in, but then returns the fear of abandonment, needs for power and control, and eventually myriad forms of sabotage begin to manifest. Consequences repeat and the inner object world remains the same. The character of repeating bad scenarios also has an element of punishment as well. It's like a challenge that needs mastery or punishment to satisfy the ego's need for vengeance or atonement. "We see here a repetition-compulsion derived from various causes, but influenced very much by the feeling of guilt demanding punishment."
Like with Freud, Melanie believed that there needed to be a lot of repeating and working through of the oldest material connected with shame for a deeper healing. "I believe that the pressure exerted by the earliest anxiety situations is one of the factors which brings about the repetition compulsion. When persecutory and depressive anxiety and guilt diminish, there is less urge to repeat fundamental experiences over and over again, and therefore early patterns and modes of feelings are maintained with less tenacity. These fundamental changes come about through the consistent analysis of the transference; they are bound up with a deep-reaching revision of the earliest object-relations and are reflected in the patient's current life as well as in the altered attitudes towards the analyst." I also believe that when patients can look at their parents and imagine what they went through in their parenting and all the deficits accrued, there has to be a solace with the understanding that those toxic parents have their own damaged objects and are suffering from the same results in life due to their self-sabotage.
Without the dispelling of the illusion that toxic relationships can be cured with strong love experiences, the temptation pushes the mind to go seeking for these cul-de-sacs of punishment and sabotage. "The impulsion to relieve the fear of internal and external dangers by means of proofs in the external world appears to me to be an essential factor in repetition compulsion. The more neurotic the individual is, the more are these proofs bound up with the need for punishment. The stronger the anxiety of the earliest anxiety-situations and the weaker the hopeful currents of feeling, the less favourable are the conditions with which these counterproofs are bound up. In such cases only severe punishment, or rather unhappy experiences (which are taken as punishment), can replace the dreaded punishment which is anticipated in phantasy." Stanley Rosner in The Self Sabotage Cycle, described how this experience can manifest, which happens especially when people are stuck for options and feel that they can't escape certain relationships, jobs, and cultures. A big part of therapy success happens when patients find better relationships and there are no guarantees that therapists can make in regards to those expectations. At some point the patient has to be able to make good choices for themselves without the need for handholding. It's pathological when "one lives with the fear that the trauma will recur and, therefore, it must be relived in order to gain that illusory sense of mastery and control." For progress to happen, "the intellectual awareness must be translated into changes in feelings, in self-perception, and in behavior for significant restructuring to take place." This is why people can intellectually learn something, but behavior responds to feelings more closely.
This eventually leads the patient to have to develop a certain amount grit and daring to face the wall of anxiety connected with making personal changes in life, and to stick with those changes until they feel familiar and newly comfortable. Betty Joseph explained it in a Kleinian way. "I am suggesting that the anxiety that these patients are struggling against is anxiety associated with dependence; that feelings of dependence and need stimulate intense envy and hatred towards the primary object, and therefore what these patients unconsciously fear is intense ambivalence, guilt, and depression. This they particularly fear since they have an inner conviction that their earliest aggression has reduced their internal object to an extremely perilous or destroyed condition—which they cannot face. Their method of avoiding this depressive anxiety is to avoid the experience of dependence by the use of the splitting, and projective and introjective identification combination of defences. These patients therefore get caught in an insoluble situation; they cannot face ambivalence and guilt and so cannot reach and work through the depressive position; they retreat from it by the use of defences belonging to the paranoid schizoid position, so that they are subsequently faced with manifold persecutions. Their particular method of splitting and fusion with the idealized object protects them from psychosis, but their inability to tolerate ambivalence, conflict, and therefore integration obviates the possibility of normality."
The depressive position comes about here from the feeling of guilt for damaging a good object in the past. The mind goes into a paranoid-schizoid position to see the world as persecutory and therefore it reacts in a schizoid way to stay safe and alone from the dangerous world. Projection happens to make one feel more secure in the world by spreading blame elsewhere, undervaluing people, and by overvaluing role models. People then have trouble advancing because the lack of self-love drains energy that is needed for adventure in relationships and work. The splitting starts at the beginning, with good and bad objects, based on judgments by the infant on the quality of parenting, and then the parents are introjected as proof that one is good or bad in an exaggerated identity. The patient then repeats past behavior, because to venture into the world for growth is to invite new criticism from others, and this can't be tolerated because there is a requirement of self-love to maintain a resilient learning mentality for success. For example, many people have to date scores or even hundreds of people before they find a suitable match for a long-term relationship. That can easily make people retreat into themselves through exhaustion. Difficult divorces, meaningless jobs, and accidents can make people want to run away from the world and from one's emotions, but ultimately, those who are healthy, can feel unpleasant emotions, and keep on with their goals and adjust them where necessary. They don't remain discombobulated for too long before continuing with healthy goals and reality testing. There's an inner core that says to oneself "I love you and believe in you."
An Aspect of the Repetition Compulsion by Betty Joseph: https://pep-web.org/search/document/IJP.040.0213A?page=P0221
Because the sense of self has trouble integrating the good and bad and seeing both a mixture of good and bad in others, there's a difficulty in seeing that mixture in new people. They become exaggeratedly good or bad right off the bat with constant disappointments when reality alternates between good and bad behavior. The Melanie Klein Trust provides a good summary. "Klein considers that both constitutional and environmental factors affect the course of the paranoid-schizoid position. The central constitutional factor is the balance of life and death instincts in the infant. The central environmental factor is the mothering that the infant receives. If development proceeds normally, extreme paranoid anxieties and schizoid defences are largely given up during the early infantile paranoid-schizoid position and during the working through of the depressive position...This 'binary splitting' is essential for healthy development as it enables the infant to take in and hold on to sufficient good experience to provide a central core around which to begin to integrate the contrasting aspects of the self. The establishment of a good internal object is thought by Klein to be a prerequisite for the later working through of the 'depressive position.'" When there isn't enough integration, meaning no core positive self, people end up not knowing their good side and therefore can't make it a core platform for exploring the world. When there are obstacles in the world, people need a platform to return to, to regenerate enough self-love to start again. When that is missing, there's an unrealistic demand for purity of the self, and the shame, mixed with good qualities, can't be accepted for what they are, which are experiences that allow for learning. There's a lack of reality towards human foibles that makes the severe super-ego over active and critical. It leads eventually to relationships that are mainly about mistrust, exploitation, defensiveness, power and control. Healthy relationships can control envy and intimate partners can share and enjoy pleasure together in the pleasure principle, and make common sense adjustments in the real world of obstacles with the reality principle. When choices constantly lead to conflict, it raises the question if the Oedipus Complex is operating again and influencing repetition. In a way, Psychoanalysis is a little like an atheistic version of The Bible. Instead of the Ten Commandments, the Oedipus Complex acts like a heuristic to foretell conflicts related to desires that cannot be shared. The resolution of the Oedipus Complex is to stake a free claim somewhere else, whether it refers to property, relationships, or vocations. To explore and find safe places is to drop the Paranoid-Schizoid position where the world is too dangerous and approach the depressive position. "If the confluence of loved and hated figures can be borne, anxiety begins to centre on the welfare and survival of the other as a whole object, eventually giving rise to remorseful guilt and poignant sadness, linked to the deepening of love. With pining for what has been lost or damaged by hate comes an urge to repair. Ego capacities enlarge and the world is more richly and realistically perceived."
Paranoid-Schizoid Position - Melanie Klein Trust: https://melanie-klein-trust.org.uk/theory/paranoid-schizoid-position/
Depressive Position - Melanie Klein Trust: https://melanie-klein-trust.org.uk/theory/depressive-position/
Brad Bowins provides some suggestions for therapists to help patients with the working-through process to prevent intellectual understanding from decoupling from feelings. Feelings and understanding together help a person to let go of the past:
Indicate to the patient how the repetitive behavior is maladaptive in regards to relationships, general functioning, or emotional states. For example, a woman allows men to repeatedly take advantage of her.
Explain to the patient how he or she is not linking distressing feelings arising from a traumatic occurrence to the cognitive components of the trauma.
To optimize motivation indicate that as a general rule conscious processing of fear and other disturbing emotions diminishes the pain, even though in the very short run the pain might seem worse.
Identify the relevant traumatic occurrences. In the case of the woman in the above example, her father failed to look out for her needs and aggressively criticized her as a child.
Clearly identify re-experiencing of the trauma, including thoughts, images, flashbacks, dreams, emotions, somatic sensations, and behavioral re-enactments. For example, the woman repeatedly perceives that she cannot have an impact on men and responds in a very passive way to any violation.
Identify specific avoidance defenses, such as identification with the aggressor or extreme isolation.
Work cautiously with the specific avoidance defenses as opposed to dismantling them right away. Remember that these defenses are a form of self-protection and must be relinquished gradually in a safe setting.
Help the patient clarify adverse trauma-related emotions. The woman in our example feels sad at the losses encountered in her relationship with her father, and is powerless to change a man’s behavior when it impacts negatively on her.
Focus on emotional suffering even though the patient will initially not understand at a feeling level how the pain is linked to the cognitive components of the traumatic experience. The patient might understand intellectually how this makes sense, but it will take time for the understanding to be felt.
Link these adverse emotions to the cognitive components of the traumatic occurrence. The woman needs to see how the treatment by her father left her feeling sad and powerless, and how these feelings contribute both to her perception that she is ineffectual and her passive response to violations.
Explain the grieving process with it’s various components, such as consciously re-experiencing the loss in terms of thoughts and emotions.
Help the patient identify trauma-related losses. In the woman’s case how she lost out on a close supportive relationship with her father.
Encourage the patient to grieve these losses within the safety of the therapeutic environment.
"When the patient has progressed to the common endpoint of grieving—acceptance—the repetitive maladaptive behavior, whether it take the form of re-experiencing or extreme avoidance defenses, should be significantly diminished or ended. Encouraging patients to immediately process disturbing feelings helps prevent a return of any repetitive maladaptive behavior and will make them less vulnerable to future trauma. Emphasize how grieving traumatic losses while somewhat painful in the present greatly diminishes suffering over time."
Rosner explains what patients have to accept as part of the process of developing when one is now an adult and out of the parenting dynamic. "[Successful therapy] means being able to accept oneself as a real human being with assets and liabilities, strengths and weaknesses. It means one must accept that one no longer needs to pursue grandiose goals, to aggrandize oneself at every turn. But it also means not seeing oneself as an impotent and downtrodden victim, either. It means accepting mortality and limitations...It means being able to make choices and to stand by them. It also means recognizing that they may not work out as we might have wished...It means encouraging the process of growing up and growing away, paving the way for feeling and being accountable...This requires a long-term commitment, frequent sessions which are essential to getting to core issues, dealing with well entrenched defenses and working them out. Intensive work of this type is not popular at the present time for many reasons. But it is a step in the direction of the kind of self-examination that is necessary to break such cycles and to help one to become self-determining, and whole, again. It is a necessary step in learning that life is filled with choices and that our choices need not be based upon repeating the same mistakes over and over again."
Case Studies: The 'Wolfman' (3/3) - Freud and Beyond: https://rumble.com/v1gulsf-case-studies-the-wolfman-33-freud-and-beyond.html
Part of the reason why psychoanalysis was and is so difficult, or even if we are talking about other modalities, is the repetition compulsion. It makes or breaks the therapy. It's the moment of truth. As seen in The 'Wolfman' Pt. 3, the patient goes back out into the pathological world and has to tolerate the same kind of stresses again. It's very easy to regress. Freud found that neurotics don't like reality in anyway shape or form, so the therapist's work is cut out for them as a marketing guru trying to sell reality to patients. That's why analysts want to emphasize feelings connected with intellectual knowledge. A lot of people know right from wrong but they don't do it because of those feelings. This is why analysts focus on creating a positive good object in the mind of the patient to replace the one that never developed with the original caregivers. How it's ideally supposed to work is that an analyst has to clear up mental distortions in the patient so they can assess reality better. Because the analyst is supportive of the patient, and believes in the patient enough to work with them, then the patient begins to believe in themselves. The purpose of focusing on reality is to help the patient's mind assess GOOD and BAD more accurately so they can make feeling choices more accurately, and hopefully with a long-term bent to prevent the addictive short-term brain from acting out. You could say roughly that the short-term brain has to feel the long-term consequences in anticipation, with realistic fervor and zeal, so as to enjoy a more broad and time cognizant reality. Realistic rewards in the real world, coupled with a healed mind, ideally makes a person autonomous to the point that they don't need a therapist and can exchange specialties in the economy with other people. They can learn from mistakes and grow autonomously. This is a huge amount of work if the patient is full of serious cognitive distortions, and on top of the fact that the real world is also full of complexity and that some life circumstances include insurmountable obstacles. Therefore, better environments have to be chosen that allow for people to learn. Totalitarian environments prevent growth into adulthood, and subjects never turn into citizens.
It has to be noted that, modern environments are hardly mastered by these therapists, and many therapists are still patients in much of their compartmentalized lives. In my experience, therapists are also not experts in politics, economics, and business, so many distortions in those arenas have to be cleared up by knowledge and expertise found elsewhere. There is so much work needed after therapy ends, and persistence would be a virtue to help patients find their way in the long-term. The reality is that people are not clairvoyant and they will not know all the steps in any new process or endeavour, so there has to be a tolerance for experimentation, trial, and error, for therapy to be considered a great success.
Because I'm an integrationist, so I love to integrate where possible, I find that meditation practice is a convenient form of self-therapy. Buddhism and Psychoanalysis is like peanut butter and jam for me. Both of them want you to FEEL the libido, or craving, in your body and use the body's awareness and knowledge to manifest change. Somatic knowledge with talking therapy also allows for the patient to make conscious their reactive modes, narrative cul-de-sacs, which include all kinds of tightening and contractions in the body coming from fight or flight responses to control. When you can make those things conscious you can consciously relax your muscles. You can learn how you are doing things to yourself and relax the little destinies. When those old modes are seen to be archaic and cloying, then new ways of being can appear fresh and interesting emotionally.
Regardless, there's always a hunger to see action from the analysand to manifest actual change. Are patients learning new skills? Are they choosing better social networks that are more positive and supporting? Are they reevaluating both undervalued and overvalued people in their lives? Are they finding work that is a good fit? Are healthy intimate relationships struck up? If not, are there healthy sublimations in the direction of hobbies, interests, leisure and pursuits? Some people find this kind of exploration interesting and what makes a real life, but others are pained by the effort. Sometimes action doesn't happen until the illusion of a zero effort life is given up. Even the therapist is putting in mental effort, and possibly introjecting vicarious trauma when walking in the shoes of the patient. As Adyashanti pointed out, there's a little bit of effort in just directing the attention span. So to be able to work somewhere, to make changes, and to learn new skills, there has to be some effort applied, with the knowledge that effort decreases when skills habituate and one enters Flow states. Those who stay stuck wanting an effort free living could be more examples of the death drive. Past generations couldn't survive without making enormous effort from time to time. As coach Heidi Priebe said, "we will never have a day in our life where we have finally wiped our hands clean of all problems, and there's not a single area left in our lives where there is no tension or nothing to resolve, so our absolute best shot at having a life that we actually want to show up to is picking the right types of problems that are aligned with the people we actually are...To have an escapist worldview means to hold tight to the belief that something we could do or figure out in the future will absolve us from pain forever. That's not an option for any of us and it never will be."
You Don't 'Lack Follow Through' - 5 Signs You're Self-Regulating Through Future Fantasies - Heidi Priebe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvHoF0tOsmM
With an object-memory that believes in you, whether that's Jesus or a therapist, the strength of self-belief can then be measured by how persistent it is when there are setbacks. People with a strong self-belief move from self-preoccupation to a ready state much sooner than others caught in low self-esteem. Eventually with all these efforts and changes, just like a sports team stuck in a slump, small wins provide more encouragement and outside confirmation of competence. Small wins can build and provide a memory framework of what works. When there are setbacks, the past can't be changed so only a learning mentality is syntonic with the life-drive and life expansion.
If there's any closure to the therapeutic process it's to understand in the Girardian way that all the objects and situations we want tend to have social elements to them. If we have artistic hobbies, we would really appreciate that others like our work. If people like to party, they want to have a good time with others. If we like team sports, we want to work well with a team, and even better, have an audience if we perform at peak levels. In the end, we want to have some semblance of family that encourages and believes in us, and wants the best for us, while we cheer on for their best and believe in them.
Lectures on Technique by Melanie Klein: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9781138940109/
Love, Guilt and Reparation: And Works 1921-1945 (The Writings of Melanie Klein, Volume 1) by Melanie Klein: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780743237659/
Envy and Gratitude and Other Works, 1946 - 1963 (2nd Edition) by Melanie Klein: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780743237758/
The New Dictionary of Kleinian Thought by Elizabeth Bott Spillius, Jane E. Milton, Penelope Garvey, Cyril Couve, Deborah Steiner: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780415592598/
The Language of Psychoanalysis by Jean Laplanche, Jean-Bertrand Pontalis: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780367328139/
Memories, Dreams, and Reflections - Carl Jung: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780679723950/
Hammer, E.F., Glueck, B.C. Psychodynamic patterns in sex offenders: A four-factor theory. Psych Quar 31, 325–345 (1957).
Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy in the Kleinian Tradition by Stanley Ruszczynski Sue Johnson: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9781855751750/
Psychology: http://psychreviews.org/category/psychology01/
#child psychology#countertransference#depressive position#Ego#Identification#internalization#incorporation#introjection#melanie klein#object relations#paranoid-schizoid position#projection#psychoanalysis#self esteem#sigmund freud#splitting#superego#transference#technique
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Messing around with college Vincent is my new hyperfixation, thank you.
It started out pretty big I'm terms of getting to know him anyway. No one really made a continuous effort to get to know him let alone barging in on his personal space. Sitting with him every day, smiling at him, waving in the halls, all the way down to bringing him coffee during crunch time.
Vin rides home with his brothers some days, one of the days when you smiled at him and said "Be safe getting home." On the way to your car he got teased to hell and back. Bo sprung a full blown inquisition on the poor man on the way back to the house since Vincent couldn't exactly escape his questions in a closed space. If Lester wasn't with them, as soon as the house door flung open Bo would shout that the "virgin" Vince has been getting action behind their backs.
After a few consecutive visits Vinny would be expecting you, glancing from his greek mythology book to the library door and then back to his book until you eventually popped in. Then he starts noticing you in the halls around campus, walking from one class to another though the window he sits next to in his modern lit class.
Needless to say he'll pay special attention to the attention you give him too. You come to the library in a sweater and slip out of it after you sit next to him to reveal a shirt that's just a little too deep cut. A skirt that's just a little too short with no spanks underneath--not that he was looking or anything. You lean into him to show him a funny meme and he can feel your shoulder bump into his, the smell of your shampoo when you're close enough.
"Vinny that looks really good, how long did it take? You must have worked really hard, huh?" Validaring remarks to leaning back in a stretch in your chair. "It's so hot in here, I can't wait for fall..." crop top riding up and skirt coincidentally pulled up your thigh, it makes him wonder if you're even wearing underwear since he can't see the strap on your waist. Again, not that he was looking.
And when you finally get fed up with him not taking the very obvious hints, flat out telling him to his face in the library that you find him attractive. The shock that goes through him would be adorable. You can't see his face but you can see the blush creep over his ears and down his neck. You mean to tell him that like, physically, you want him? You grazed his hand or bumped against his arm, you pushed your knee against his under the table. You bent at the waist right in front of him, knowing full well what underwear you had for display...it makes sense now. He thought he was just horny.
And every time after he'd thank you during your private study sessions. Maybe even catching you in the hall and pulling you somewhere isolated--he's adept at tutoring and you're his favorite.
-💙
Blue I LOVE this, sorry it took me so long to respond!
Obsessed with the idea of dropping massive obvious hints and he's just so deep in his angst and brooding and longing he misses them.
He spends an inordinate amount of time drawing you. You're the face in all his work, the hands, the eyes. And his favorite anatomical study, although he knows it's all speculation (for now). He packs it all up about 15 minutes before your usual arrival time to the library though because he'd be mortified if you were to find out.
He is so hesitant to masturbate to the thought of you at first. He doesn't want to be disrespectful or creepy. But he cannot get the image of your bare midriff out of his head, the curve of your breasts in that green top he likes, and he can't keep it from slipping into the forefront of his mind, and he's so desperate he finally decides fuck it, what you don't know won't hurt you.
He'll put up with the teasing, it's okay. It's been years since he's had a real friend outside of his brothers. Any ribbing Bo sends his way is just a reminder that someone cute likes spending time with him.
And when the two of you finally make meaningful physical contact (😏), he is very quiet when he gets in the truck. So quiet Bo is worried something is wrong. He gives him his space at first, knows Vin doesn't respond to pressure. Finally he ventures an ask, "Y'all good?" Vincent turns to him. Bo looks back. Bo's eyes get wide. "You fuckin' dog," he says, breaking into a grin. "Y'did it, didn'tcha?" Vincent nods. Bo is ecstatic. "Hell yeah you did! We ain't goin' home, we're stoppin' at the church, you got some confessin' to do!"
Vincent rolls his eyes but he's smiling under the mask.
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It seems like, once again, the fandom seems to be asking like at least seven different questions but not phrasing them clearly and creating needless discourse. Questions include:
Are the Calloway’s likable? Are the Calloway’s well-intentioned? Did the Calloway’s make a plan that makes sense? Did the Calloway’s properly factor the risks of their plan? Do the Calloway’s truly understand what they’ve gotten themselves into? Have the Calloway’s questioned the events they’re a part of enough? Do the Calloway’s seem to love Fearne? Is their love for Fearne genuine or more about the concept of her? How much has Fearne, intentionally or not, been hurt in all of this? To what extent was that hurt inevitable? Are the Calloway’s going to put in the effort to try and mend this relationship? Does this seem like the kind of relationship that can be mended?
Every single one of these has a wildly different answer and yet I keep seeing people lump large amounts of them together when it looks like this situation is nuanced enough that we really need to get specific.
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many thanks to @garglyswoof & @morningstargirl666 for tagging me in this game. the rules are to repost an older fic, so i’m gonna share the funniest thing i ever wrote in my life:
I Choose Dare
An ode to how Aang, under the power of a mighty temptress, was forced to grow a beard.
Oh, and the birth of his first child, too, he supposes.
tagging anyone who wants in <3
What international peace summits include for most of people is a lot of arguing, too much pomp, enough politics to make one's head ache, a needless amount of balls and banquets ... the list is both endless and ever-expanding.
What international peace summits include for the six of them is finally reconvening after far too long separated, tearful hugs, and doing activities very few outsiders could imagine the people of their status and influence doing; pranking dignitaries, playing board games, sparring, or, as they were doing now--playing Truth or Dare.
It was Sokka's idea. Well, the alcohol was Toph's, after she reminded them that the reason they haven't played the game in so long was because dares like kiss x person and truths like who do you have a crush on? lost their charm when they all started dating and/or marrying each other. She thought booze might spice things up, so what, sue her!
The kids were all asleep, it was the last day of the summit, all important decisions were made. People being hungover tomorrow morning wouldn't change anything!
Her friends, being her friends, had to ruin it of course.
Fangirl failed her first. She didn't say anything, but as the night progressed, she made it perfectly clear she wasn't getting drunk.
Sweetness only had a small shot glass. She said it was because someone needed to stay sober and responsible. Boooo sobriety and responsibility!
Sparky outright refused to drink. As a reason for this travesty, he named his young twins, which was just a hit below the belt, but Toph saw right through him. He just didn't want to draw attention to the fact that he was a first class lightweight.
Only Sokka and Aang stayed in her corner.
A few rounds of the game passed with relative ease, until the bottle (a fine firewhiskey Sparky gifted her for her twenty-sixth birthday, now empty through the united efforts of Fan Girl, Sweetness, Snoozles, Twinkles and herself) landed on her ... and Aang.
Twinkles's heartbeat spiked. Toph felt great satisfaction at the fact that, in the fourteen years since they'd met, she'd trained her boyfriend well enough to have him anticipate he was about to be wrecked.
"Twinkles, my love," she said, in an unbearably sweet voice, "truth or dare?"
She felt him swallow. "Dare."
The grin that spread her lips truly was terrifying. "So you chose dare."
"I did."
.
"I dare you," her smile widened, "to grow a beard."
"Toph ..."
"A beard," she continued. No one else dared breathe.
Aang gulped again. "When ... when can I shave it?"
She grinned again. "Who said anything about ever?"
"Toph, please," he whispered, weak. "Please."
"All right." She wrecked her brain for an idea. Long ago, when she was a kid, her governess would read fairy tales to her every night before bed.
Inspiration struck.
When she spoke again, it was in a throaty, mystic voice. "You may free yourself of this curse with the birth of your first child," she announced. "Should you attempt to rid yourself of the beard sooner, you will have wrought upon yourself the fury of the Greatest Eartbender in the World."
No pleas would rescind her judgement. No amount of begging, groveling, scraping.
Toph Beifong was unmoved.
.
"Avatar Aang!" said King Chinou, the squinty-eyed monarch of a minor Earth Kingom city-state. "Your appearance is ... unexpected."
Aang wished he could say the king meant his arrival was unexpected; that would let him pretend for just a while longer. But Chinou had invited the Avatar himself, and therefore there was no confusion about what he meant.
It was Aang's physical appearance that was so off-putting. The abomination on his face has been there for months now, and everywhere he went, the reaction was the same. People stared. People laughed, and then pretended they weren't laughing, because who would dare to make fun of the Avatar, right?
Toph-monkey-feathering-Beifong, that's who!
(Spirits above, he loved her.)
He resisted the urge to scratch at his chin. The terrible thing was awful and hot and itchy. No one in their right mind would ever voluntarily have one.
He gave King Chinou a neutral look. "What is the reason you've summoned me, Majesty?"
The king snapped out of his trance soon enough, and the work began.
Three days later, after an oddly tense dispute between two rival merchants of cabbage was settled, Aang all but collapsed into bed.
He and Toph didn't exactly have a permanent address. He was a nomad, after all, and Toph wasn't particularly attached to any single space. They lived everywhere: the Air Temples, her metalbending academy, random inns all over the world, the Fire Palace, Sokka and Suki's house ... wherever they found themselves. This particular lodging was an outpost of the Beifong family.
Yeah, Aang thought, fingering the satin sheets under him, it shows.
"How was the lovely King Chinou?" Toph asked. He could hear the grin in her voice.
Chinou may or may not have banished her from his territory after she called him a spineless fuck-faced beetle-tapeworm.
The context, she'd impassionately tell him every time he tried to pull the story out of her, didn't matter.
Aang let out a long groan. Toph chuckled.
"He had me settle a dispute between two cabbage merchants. And one of then just kept giving me a side-eye, like I'd killed his mother or something!"
"Well, I have some good news for you then," she said, turning onto her side and promting him to face her.
"Oh?"
"Oh, yeah," she said. "You'll finally be allowed to shave that abomination off your chin."
"Urk?" He didn't recognize the sound he made. "So ... you changed your mind?"
"Well ... not quite yet. In nine months."
Aang frowned. "You'll ... change your mind in nine months?"
Toph rolled her eyes. Sokka taught her to do that a few years ago, and she hasn't stopped since.
"No, Twinkles, I'm fucking pregnant."
Aang sat up. "Are you messing with me, T? Because I honestly can't tell."
Toph rolled her eyes again. Her hair, silky and inky black, was unbound, spilling down the pillow. Her sleep clothes were his own clothes, so loose on her small form it seemed she would slip out of them at any moment.
She reached up and took a hold of his hand, pressing it to her abdomen.
Aang didn't hesitate to call some water to himself from the vase on his nightstand. He never had Katara's talent at healing (or any other part of waterbending, really), but as the water beneath his palm glowed and he could feel a small, impossibly small, heartbeat.
There was a baby in there.
.
His baby, their baby, their own baby, to cherish and love and protect.
His throat was closed up. He couldn't say a word. But then Toph's small hand squeezed his, and he knew no words were necessary.
After several hours and many death threats, most of which had been directed at Aang himself, the tiny little Gyatso Beifong came into the world.
He really was minuscule, with his Dad's steel-grey eyes and a tuft of his Mum's inky-black hair atop his otherwise bald head. He had two eyes, two ears, one nose, ten fingers and ten toes. Aang should know. He'd counted them all, over and over again.
He'd seen babies before--there was Hope, back in the Serpent's pass, a multitude of newborns and toddlers whose parents sought the Avatar's blessing, and, in the recent years, his friends' own children.
But, watching the sleeping bundle in his arms, a bundle that had been screaming relentlessly up until half an hour ago, and Aang took him into his arms and out onto the balcony, he decided he'd never really seen a baby before, because surely this absolutely flawless, perfect, tiny human being was the standard to which all other babies aspired.
Toph was asleep in the bedroom just beyond the balcony doors. All those death threats were exhausting business, after all. Oh, and childbirth too, he supposed.
"Hello, Gyatso," he whispered, tickling his finger over the baby's stomach. The giggle that burst out of his mouth melted Aang's heart. "Who's the cutest boy ever? You are!"
Gyatso didn't answer verbally; he was, after all, just a newborn.
"And I am so, so glad to finally meet you! Yes I am! Yes I am!" Truly, Gyatso's laugh must've been the purest, most perfect sound in the world. "And not only because I can now finally shave this monstrosity off."
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Are you eating enough? they say
"Probably not!"
but why are you asking, there's nothing to be done about it... or at least nothing that *will* be done
Are you still losing weight you think? they side-eye and imply
"I hope not?" and a non-committal grimace
didn't you used to be an expert on the degrees of sharpness of my cheekbones, mother, why are you wasting both our time with questions you know the answers to? what perverse confession are you trying to walk me into with this needless interrogation? is this another passive insinuation that this is a game i'm playing? accusing me of starving myself for the attention is usually dad's play, tsktsk.
Have you gone to the doctor? they whine
an awkward laugh and shrug, a dodge no one challenges because if they did they'd have to do something about it and god knows this family would rather let people die than have to put any effort into anything
there's nothing to be done on that either; there's nothing *wrong* so far as I can tell -- nothing novel from five years ago, all documented and discharged -- all of my dread for my gut to revolt still unmanifested, so all they'd do is take my meds away, and that will not magically increase the amount of food I cannot afford to have. the meds haven't made me eat less; it would only completely cripple me again, and I *would* rather die.
Don't Die they say like they have the right, like the words absolve them of further responsibility, like that itself doesn't incite me to self-violence, like the only way i can reclaim my own body for myself is by breaking your precious toy past salvaging
another tooth cracks, just walk away
fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou
i
am
so
tired
#i can't even scream#i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't#and fuck you for making me feel guilty for being sick#yeah sucks to have a daughter who regularly threatens(unwillingly) to die#get a therapist; I cannot therapy for the entire family I KNOW I TRIED#YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE??#**BEING** someone who has never been more than five years from the last time (or until the next time) she almost died!!
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GLASS HALF EMPTY MANIFESTO
Would you consider the glass of water above to be half empty or half full? To solidify your answer, let’s play a short game. I want you to visualize an open field. What’s the field’s condition? Is the field dry? Is it lush? How big is the field? Is the field filled with something like grass? Is the grass well-trimmed? Is the grass dead? As you wander aimlessly around your field, you take note of the weather. What’s the weather like? Is it raining? Is there a storm coming? Is it sunny? Windy? Foggy? Your answers to these three scenarios speak volumes about your outlook on life. Are you more of an optimist? That is, you see the glass half full, your field is overflowing with coruscating flowers, and the weather is sunlit and radiant. Or, are you more of a pessimist? In other words, you perceive the glass as half empty, your field is barren and lifeless, and there’s an upcoming deluge. For me, I’m undoubtedly a gloom-ridden person. This characteristic is exposed through three of my pieces of work. In module two—titled abstract images—I chose to peruse Rufino Tamayo's Children's Games. Despite being doused in a fiery red color, the painting's subject matter—children amusing themselves—is innocent and should have unveiled feelings of childlike jubilation and nostalgia. Instead of thinking about the positive perceptions that Children's Games brought out, I immediately thought about my fear of growing old and developing dementia. Likewise in the poetic license assignment, I chose a poem that illustrates a dangerous but all too common viewpoint that men have of women. I could have very well selected a heartfelt poem like Lullaby by Langston Hughes or an encouraging one like Mother to Son also by Langston Hughes. But again, I picked a poem that fixated on the cynical perceptions one gender has of the other. Lastly, the piece I chose to analyze in the not seen on TV module was a piece that mocked human intelligence and highlighted human depravity. In all three of these assignments, I had plenty of opportunities to either choose a buoyant piece of work or discuss the euphoric feelings and thoughts that the piece gave me. However, my line of thinking and subsequently my writing was constantly somber and critical. It seems like there wasn't a jolly bone in my body.
The American Psychological Association defines pessimism as “the attitude that things will go wrong and that people’s wishes or aims are unlikely to be fulfilled" (American Psychological Association, n.d.). Based on this definition, pessimists loathe being placed in joyous situations where there’s an increased probability of things going awry. Marriage, having children, traveling, meeting new people, forming new friendships, impressing higher-ups, getting a promotion, and trying new foods are all a couple of situations that pessimists want to steer clear from. However, maintaining a relationship like one does in marriage and putting yourself out there through traveling are two circumstances that have an immense likelihood of bringing needless suffering. In the age of hook-up culture, people are reluctant and at times even afraid of commitment. This lack of devotion and dedication—amongst other factors—bleeds into marriages. Of course, the idea of finding your soulmate and living happily ever after is enticing and lovely but it’s just not realistic for the majority of the world’s population. An individual has to spend a significant amount of time, energy, money, and effort on producing and maintaining a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, the bulk of people either aren't willing to surrender or don’t even possess these four fruitages of marriage. If the majority are antipathetic about preserving a relationship and if more than 50% of U.S. marriages fail, then why would a pessimist want to be placed in this type of high-risk but low-reward gambling situation? In less than a millisecond, a seemingly happy marriage could crumble. Traveling poses another set of unwanted problems. Tourist destinations such as Paris, Cancun, Miami, and Bali are ripe with scammers and thieves. It’s extremely simple for a local to pickpocket a tourist in a crowded area because the tourist is either ill-prepared (for example, wearing a backpack instead of a money belt) or is distracted. Moreover, if one isn’t careful, one might be subjected to being swindled. Con tricks like taxi drivers claiming the meter is broken, vendors inflating prices, or phony police officers issuing fines are all scams geared towards extorting oblivious tourists. As evident by the Brittney Griner case in Russia and the Otto Warmbier case in North Korea, a small misstep or a lapse of judgment in a foreign country (especially a country whose government abhors America) could cost an individual their freedom and their life.
Clearly, being a prophet of doom and gloom is advantageous. When an individual catastrophizes a plan or situation, it forces them to become prepared for the possible outcome. This preparedness may come in the form of developing an action plan. For instance, before going on a trip or getting into a relationship (God forbid!), a pessimist might create a detailed list of all the feasible things that could go amiss. They can then attempt to mitigate the possibility of the worst-case scenarios coming to fruition by taking steps to prevent them from happening, or they could imagine what they would do or say in those mishaps. For example, signing a prenup as a safety measure if your marriage ends up dissolving (prevention) or being calm if robbed at knife-point in Athens (action). The key, though, is to set low expectations and then brainstorm ways for how everything could go wrong. It might be tedious or even exhausting but if those scenarios become reality, you'll thank the heavens that you had and acted on your foresight.
WORK CITATION:
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Apa Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological Association. Retrieved July 29, 2022, from https://dictionary.apa.org/pessimism
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Race Wrap Up – Black Canyon 100K
We start off, as we typically do, with thanking the team over at Aravaipa Running. They put on so many great events and their staff does a wonderful job. To all the volunteers, a big thank you as well. This race has approximately 900 runners, 9-10 aid stations, plus the start and finish, not to mention all the effort it takes to set-up, break-down, clean-up; the list goes on. There are so many volunteers out there that are integral to putting on these races and we would like to say thank you very much. To those from the @AZTraileggers, specifically @MeganS & @Brian – much gratitude! Always there for encouragement, a hug, and a smile 😊! To my friend & work colleague Jenn, thank you so much again for trekking out with the kiddos, only to see me for about 10 minutes!! The energy you provided and seeing your smile provided much needed oomph! To my brother @Frank – really grateful you took a flight out here to witness first hand this wild and wacky sport. I had a very good idea that it would be an “experience” for you. What that meant I didn’t know but I had a feeling it would be something that you would appreciate. You were critical in being part of the crew and I thank you very much for helping Robin out through the day. I understand the sacrifice and work it takes, especially with a point-to-point race like this so know your efforts mean a lot to me. Robin! My wife. Who for the past 8 years since I started doing these races and the few before with the other nonsense we’ve done – you give me the strength, grit, and perseverance to keep going. Your positive and upbeat energy, no matter the circumstance during a race, whatever situation we are working through that isn’t “ideal” we do it together. No one else I would choose to have along side of me to get these done. I know it is usually never pretty. Some moments are, most are not but whatever the situation, in a race or life, we keep moving forward, left foot, right foot – I am grateful I get to do it arm and arm with you. To our youngest daughter Alaina and her friend Katherine – thanks for being there at the finish line – awesome to see your faces. And to end the gratitude to the other crew members, from afar, our oldest @Bella away at college, #ultradad @Bryan S in our hometown & @Tracy L – missed you all, thanks for the messages, words, and encouragement – love all of you.
So, how’d the race go? Well, typical except for some things that were not “ideal” 😊 This was the 3rd time running the Black Canyon 100k, fist since 2020. We had planned to run it last year but Alaina’s soccer team made it to the 2nd round of the state soccer playoffs and that game was Saturday so I jumped down to the 60k on Sunday. We though it was going to be a repeat this year and Alaina’s team again made it to the 2nd round, but the game was last Wednesday, and they lost. If they did win and made it to the 3rd round, I would have done the 60k. But as luck would have 😊, I got the full money’s worth and ALL 62 miles! We were very happy with the training block leading up to the taper 2 weeks ago. The volume was where we wanted it, factored in a good amount of vert, and nutrition was dialed in through January. At the end of January, a wedding surfaced and I began traveling for three weeks straight, which complicated things, and of course, the Philadelphia Eagles made the Super Bowl. So……….these last few weeks haven’t been as ideal as past leading up to this race 😊. Needless to say there was a lot going on but we were able to stay consistent with the training at least and we trusted it going into Saturday. However, as all these races go, you have no idea what could and will happen over the course of 62 miles.
The race got started off in an interesting manner. My wave was #2, starting at 730am. We had a shuttle that took all the runners from the drop off site, to starting line, which was about 40 minutes away. During the bus ride I typically just get things in line and rest up, knowing that we will have about 15 minutes or so at the starting line before we head out. Unfortunately, things were running late, and the bus got there at 7:26am giving me enough time to shed my sweats, throw them into a bag, and put my pack on as I am starting the race. Fortunately, there was not a moment for nerves to surface because we were thrusted into the swing of things immediately. As we meandered through the town of Spring Valley, AZ going to meet up with the Black Canyon trail, I was grateful for the rushed start because we didn’t have to wait around in 35 degree temps, thinking about things to get going! The first several miles where nice and easy. This race is very deceptive with the first half being mostly downhill and is what can break the race for many. My first time I went out way too fast and it came back to haunt me the last half of the race in 2019. I learned my lesson and dialed it back considerably and enjoyed the beginning miles. The first aid station, around mile 8, is essentially at the high point of the course and gives a beautiful shot of the valley down below where we would be running into over the next 12-15 miles. It is a great show with the sunrise and runners flowing through the trail. We also get the Bradshaw Mountains towards the west of us so makes for epic scenery. Miles 8 through 20 are very flowing, very runnable downhill trails. Some technical spots but at this point I was feeling really good and the miles were ticking off quickly. I was excited to see my wife Robin, and my brother Frank, at the Bumble Bee aid station around mile 20. This was the first time Frank had ever scene me race or even experience something like this. It was really great to have him there. He was smiling the entire time and also shaking his head at the wildness and wackiness of this sport 😊.
After seeing them, we had a nice climb out and then a pretty flat area to the next aid statin around mile 25. At this point, I hit my first dark spot. I was feeling good and there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary happening, but my mind started going a bit south. It was weird since it was relatively early in the race. I found myself thinking about times, how much more of the trail I had left to cross and knowing this race well, for some reason I was letting the future get the better of me. When I hit the aid station I fueled up and got back on the trail. Knowing that I still had another 13 miles or so before seeing Robin and Frank again at Black Canyon City, my mind was still not where it should be. At some point, I think it was around mile 26 though, I was running really well, feeling good, solid! I started to run happy. I know that may sound weird, but I was enjoying the moment, this trail, this race, this time out in a beautiful part of the world with some incredible people. We hit a jeep road and it was smooth sailing and the miles were again, clicking on by. I came into Black Canyon City to see Robin, Frank, and our dear friend Jenn with her kids. I was feeling better than any previous time running those 37 miles. I felt incredibly fresh, smiling, really enjoying all that was happening. We got things rolling with sock changes, foot care, new shirt, electrolytes, and a banana. And before we knew it, I was back on the trail running and smiling. At this point of the race, many runners tend to drop. The back 25 miles are the toughest. It is where the majority of the climbing comes, and they are long climbs and the trail is very technical. Things tend to slow down, and runners get beat up through this patch. Fortunately, outside of the 3 other times I’ve done the race, I’ve run these last 25 miles a handful of times so I felt comfortable leaving know what to expect.
Less than two miles from leaving Black Canyon City aid station, there is a small river crossing and then a long, long climb for a few miles and I could feel like it never ends. It isn’t terribly steep but it does go on. About 30 minutes into the climb, my stomach began turning south; nauseous and I didn’t feel well at all. I then remember that I really didn’t eat at the last aid station. I had an electrolyte drink and a banana but unfortunately, nothing real like I would typically have at that point of the race. There wasn’t any real reason. I was feeling good, talking with everyone, getting ready to go out and just didn’t think of grabbing any food as I headed out. That was a bad mistake considering the next aid was about 9 miles away. The climb wasn’t terribly bad but I think it was because my mind was more focused on my stomach and the way I was feeling. I did my best to navigate those nine miles but it was slow going and just kept moving. I finally got to the aid station around mile 47 and took a seat for about 5 minutes, fueled up on some good stuff, and got my mind back together. I had about 5 miles to go before seeing Robin and Frank for the last time. The sun was going down, it was getting a bit chilly, and the trail was going to be getting more technical.
As I left, hiking, my stomach started to feel better, as was my mind, so I started running again. These miles were not too tough from a climbing perspective but technical, however my legs were feeling good so I just kept going. As the sun ducked behind the mountains, temps began to drop and the trail got harder to see. I popped on my headlamp and picked up the pace a bit because I was beginning to get cold. With only a few miles left, I was moving well, stomach was solid again, and I knew I was going to see the crew very soon. Unfortunately, at this point however, my left knee went wonky! That is the best way I can describe it. Pain all around the kneecap and the tendons on both the back left and right. Not something I’ve experienced before and it seemed to hit all of a sudden! I was about a mile from the aid station, so I started hiking again to see if that helped, and it did. Slowing down however, with the sweat on my and the temps dropping caused me to get cold, so I did my best to navigate the terrain with the knee and get into see Robin and Frank. I made it, before they did actually, so this gave me time to get some warm food in me while I waited for them to arrive. We had about 11 miles left to go and I grazed the aid station table like it was a buffet grabbing as much as I could stuff in my mouth to ensure my stomach held. My energy was also low, and I was tired, so I chugged to water bottles full of Mountain Dew. Yeah – that’s right, I get to eat and drink whatever I want when I am running 62 miles 😊! Robin, Frank, and I connected. I was able to take care of my foot, change out socks and shoes, and put some extra layers on for the last push.
This last stretch has another one of those long, steady climbs, and the trail is very technical again, even more so at night. With the knee banged up a bit, it was challenging to get a comfortable stride or pace going for long periods of time. So, I did what I could – running when it felt okay, and then hiking when the pain increased. The next 7 or so miles to the last aid station was sluggish and not ideal but we were still moving forward and knew that we were well ahead of where we wanted to be so it was just about getting it done. The last aid station came about and I downed some Coke and broth for the final 4 miles. Heading back out we were on a jeep trail for about a mile so I was able to run a good amount of that and it felt okay again. Once we got back onto the trail, it was pretty smooth as well, until we hit a series of small little climbs and then things got a bit technical. It was like this for about a mile outside of the finish line but at this point, I knew the pain would all be gone the moment I crossed so I just kept running. You can hear the music and see the lights of the finish about ½ mile out and I was happy to close another race out, smiling, grateful, and a little beaten up. Robin, Frank, my daughter Alaina, and her friend Katherine where right there at the finish line with a chair and beer waiting for me!
It was a great day with awesome people. We hung out for a bit before jumping on the shuttle back to the car. Another big thank you to Aravaipa Running, all the volunteers, staff, and other runners. To the crew, both near and far, thanks for the continued support, love, and incredible energy. You guys make this wild and wacky sport so fun for me and for that I am grateful. It is never sexy or happens as planned – put that is just like life and I am fortunate to get to walk through it arm and arm with you all!
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