Regarding the future of this blog

Hi folks! This one got a bit long, so I'm putting it under a cut.

TLDR: I've been really unhappy blogging for quite a while, so I'm finally embracing being a messy, multifandom blog that posts things without tagging them well, posts more personal things, mostly focuses posting my own fic on AO3, etc. If you're not into that, feel free to eliminate my presence on your dash. XO -Silent

When I started this blog a few years ago, I was essentially starting with zero knowledge of the social side of the internet.  Sure, I'd read stuff on tumblr blogs, but I’d never used tumblr or looked at anything besides what was listed directly on a masterlist.  I’d never used other social media sites, either.  So, when I started using things like tumblr and instagram and even discord, I was trying to follow along and do whatever everyone else was doing.  I tried to post clearly tagged stuff and keep my blog super organized; I posted cutesy photos with whimsical captions; I tried to find my footing in conversations that were hard to follow.  But I always felt like I could never keep up.  I was trying to follow the motions to make my online spaces what I thought they needed to be, but I never could do the motions quite right, so I kept getting more and more discouraged.

Why am I telling all of you this?  Because I think 2024 is the year something needs to change.

I started off wanting this blog to be super pretty and aesthetic.  I wanted my fics to be clearly organized and have easily navigable links.  I wanted to only reblog fandom-specific things.  I wanted to keep everything very on topic.  And I wanted to be active in fandom (interacting with other fandom readers, makers, doers, etc.).  But in trying to do all of the former, I’ve spent so much physical and mental energy that I don’t have the time, energy, or ability to do the latter.  I felt like if I couldn’t do all of that, I shouldn’t do any of it, and, well, that’s plain not true.

The truth is this: I’m messy, and I write slowly.  I like so many things, and I actually love to talk a lot.  Keeping tags organized is hard and it makes me tired.  Posting on tumblr (instead of just ao3) is hard sometimes because it makes me tired.  I like talking to people and reccing fics and gushing over art, but I can’t always make it picture-perfect or aesthetic or linked so it’s easily navigable.  Life is hard, and using social media should be something fun, not something to agonize over.

So, I’m making some changes:

I’m gonna be posting a lot more.  Rambling about life.  Sharing writing updates.  Making you all privy to my shower thoughts.

But the writing projects I have will still be long hauls.  Strap in, folks, ‘cause we’re probably looking at months-long to years-long updates.  (Nothing is ever dead, just, you know, aging like fine wine or something.)

I’m not sure how many writing projects will be posted here, either.  I enjoy posting on AO3.  I like the format.  I like the way it works.  I like that it organizes everything for me.  If I post something there, I’ll obviously share the link here, but I don’t know how many fics I’ll be posting here moving forward.

Also, I’m just gonna start reblogging shit like crazy.  Anything!  Everything!  All at once!  The tumblr is my oyster!

Despite reblogging more, I’m just gonna let this blog become more disorganized.  If I have the energy to tag stuff, I will, but I think I’m just gonna focus on sharing things rather than sharing things in a way that’s particularly organized.

I’m gonna start reblogging more fic recs here, too (and sharing ones from AO3!).  I will, of course, be keeping my fic rec blog, and it’ll get its own small update post, but the goal is to just give myself the permission to be less organized so I have more energy to enjoy and share fic.

Related: the blog might get a makeover.  I’m not sure yet because I’ve had roughly the same colors/theme/pfp for all the years I’ve had this blog, so changing it will be hard.  (And I have no idea what exactly to change to!) But we’ll see.  Ideas are welcome.

I feel a little melodramatic making this big, long post about this, but I feel like the folks that are still hanging around my blog (you lovely, few and far between, who are neither bots nor dead blogs, I adore you all immensely) are hanging around for a reason, and I want to give fair warning that the activity levels here will be changing, the tagging system/findability of things will be changing, the location of fics being posted will be changing.  It felt right to warn people so they could unfollow/block if they so desire.

But anyway, happy (late) 2024!  I hope this post finds everyone well, and I’m excited to see what the future holds!

-Silent

"I figured hey, if I'm here, I might as well be honest with myself. So I dug into the archives. And I found teenage Dan. Do you remember HELLO INTERNET? There I was, eighteen years old, your average caucasian British boy with your problematic vocabulary, just wanting so desperately to be liked. I then saw myself age twenty, as a student. Not that I was actually studying anything other than the male anatomy. I had no plan. No prospects. I was in desperate need of a haircut. Jesus Christ. No, look, that was not a hairstyle. It was geometry. My hair was a square. I then saw myself age twenty-two as an adult, just trying to make my way in the world, taking any job that I could, no matter how inauthentic or degrading. And look. I don't hate these past versions of myself, alright? Apart from the square one, it can get in the fucking bin. Mainly, I just feel sorry that it took them so long to work out who they are. I then stumbled across the video titled Existential Crisis. In which I utter the optimistic nihilistic epithet: 'embrace the void and have the courage to exist'. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist. It sounded nice when I said it but for some reason it just didn't hit. I had accepted the absurdity of the world but at that time, I hadn't accepted myself. Looking back at it, it finally clicked. Anyone who has suffered with depression or any kind of trauma that seriously affects your self-worth hopes that one day you're going to have this sudden revelation and then everything is fine. I had my revelation alright. I am unapologetically gay! Don't know if you hadn't picked up on that, so far in the show. But just having this revelation did not immediately fix all of my problems, because I still feel that inherent burnt-on brand that I am wrong. And that doesn't just go away. No, I know what my problem is, alright. My problem I am always living for the future. Every day I am thinking about this dream future where all of my dreams have come true and all of my problem have gone and everything's fine. And so, every day in the present of my life can be this joyless unrelenting grind towards that future. But it's okay. It's going to come any day now, right? Learning to look yourself in the mirror and being honest about what you've been through and keep living in spite of that can be hard. It takes a long time and a relentless persistent resistance against the way that you've been trained to feel by the world. But that doesn't just mean you should give up. Because, sure, sometimes in life, you may feel trapped. I felt trapped by my sexuality. You could feel trapped by your culture or your community. Hell, you could be literally trapped in an elevator but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to get out. 'cause, sure, when I look at the state of the world, I am very tempted to just go: You know what - we're all doomed. But that isn't courageous. That is cowardly. It's the easy way out. Even if it is, as I hope you'd all agree, a really fucking cool name for a show. So that's the thing. You can either say to yourself, every day is just a discontent emoji or you can find the courage to force your inner smiling cowboy hat, ye-motherfucking-haw! And just try to find in everyday life. Which is why I made this show. So I'm not living in the future but I'm just right here, right now, with you, just trying to have one good night. And look. Hey. Who knows, huh? We may all be doomed. Death may be inevitable. But first, we get to live. Life might at times be a struggle but just being here, to put one foot in front of the other every day is living. So please, do not let the doom drag you down. You are important. You matter. Please, stay hopeful for the future. Appreciate life. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist." - Dan Howell, closing monologue of his show "we're all doomed" (2022-2024)

"It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life... For me. And I'm feeling good."

Well, actually no. I haven't been feeling good lately (long story, let's not go there. ✋🏻). And if you haven't felt too good either, that's okay.

Dieter, have you felt good lately?

Yeah, this year's been a little rough on you at times, hasn't it, bud?

But, 2024 is going to be my year. The year of Jett! And Dieter's year... yes, I can't forget you, bud.

And it can be yours too. Because no matter what kind of year you've had, it's never too late to start anew...

To make amends. To pick something back up again that you put down a long time ago. To fall back in love with yourself. To fall in love with someone else.

To not limit your love...

To find your people. To find yourself. To push yourself. To discover something new. To face your fears. To be emboldened. To take a leap of faith.

To make time for yourself. To say yes. To say no. To say, to hell with it all and go wild. To find new purpose. To find meaning. To find joy.

To ditch the guilt. To ditch the pressure. To do it for you and on your terms. To enjoy what you love. To be loud and proud. To own it.

To be who you are, not who others expect you to be.

To look up at the stars instead of looking down at your phone. To fuel your body with the things that nourish it instead of poisoning it. To climb a mountain. To dance in the rain, even if you end up dancing alone.

Dance like nobody is watching...

To chase your dreams. To giggle at your own jokes. To laugh like you've never laughed before. To trust yourself. To guide yourself. To try all the things you want.

To indulge on life and it's offerings...

To realising that material posessions are fleeting. That money isn't everything. And that love and friendship are worth more than currency or gold.

To realising your value, your worth.

To being a bit selfish and putting you first. To look after your brain, your heart. To trust them both. To have your own back.

(And for goodness sake, look after your back!)

I'm not making any resolutions this year. Instead, I'm making myself a promise. And that's to live, love, to be kind to myself and seize the day, because life, my friends, is hella short.

So, live your best life, unapologetically.

D is telling you to...

You're only here once; make it count.

Happy New Year from Dieter and myself! 🖤😘

YOU. ARE. STRONGER. THAN. YOU. THINK. 🖤

Do you. Then do Dieter.

Self-Care With Dieter & Jett

Hey there! Thanks for following my page.

You can call me, Fate, 29 (he/they).

My life as a gay queer black man has been defined by overthinking and self-limiting my desires, ambitions, & opinions. At the tail end of 2023, I made the pledge to actualize my most authentic self before my 30th birthday. That means fully embracing my sexuality and my gainer identity.

I’ve known I was into fatter men and bigger bellies since I was a kid. From drawing crayon sketches of Santa Clause to scouring the internet in the mid 2000’s for any type of belly related media, I’ve always been enamored with larger bodies and the confidence that it takes to stomp through the world and unapologetically take up space.

During the summer of 2020, I acknowledged my gainer identity for the first time and went from an extremely fit 145lbs to 237lbs in less than a year. The following summer I learned the difference between “acknowledgement” and “acceptance” as I panic dropped the weight, going from 237lbs down to 198lbs.

I’ve gained, lost, regained, gotten wildly ill, lost again and repeat. All the while barely learning anything about the ‘whys’ behind my impulses or who I wanted to be at the “end of my weight gain goals”.

I worked a shit job with a long commute, I was struggling to successfully manage my finances & personal relationships, and none of my creative projects had any momentum. I felt aimless, empty and turned to gaining as the only aspect of my life I could control. The pressure I was placing on weight negatively impacted my physical and mental health and pushed me further towards a place of anxiety and depression.

Last fall I got a new job closer to home with higher pay and I was finally able to start mapping out what I wanted my life to look like, something I hadn’t been able to do since graduating college. I was able to recognize the toxic relationship I had with gaining and started fasting. I wasn’t fasting to lose weight, but rather to explore the avenues of my life outside of gaining. In three months, I feel like I’ve become a completely different person. My creative projects have direction, my personal relationships are healthier and my work-life balance has never been better.

Which brings us to now: Losing weight through fasting allowed me to finally understand what about being fat makes me so happy.

I love taking up space. I love being soft and round. I love having supple love handles that give to the slightest pressure. I love talking about being fat and writing about why it makes me happy. Being fat brings me happiness. But I want to support a healthy lifestyle as much as possible; I want to be strong and capable, and find balance in the girth and strength.

In 2024 I vowed to become my most authentic self. Sharing my journey, my thoughts and my progress is honoring my authentic gainer identity.

So thank you, reader for taking the time to read through this. For my 30th birthday I’m going to become the most realized version of myself, and I’m grateful to be able to share this journey with you.

If you’d like to explore my journey further, here’s my linktree: https://linktr.ee/fatepierson

˗ˋ ୨ - 𝒏𝒆𝒘𝒔 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒘𝒓𝒂𝒑 𝒖𝒑 : 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 - ୧ ˊ˗

holidays are my only opportunity to be unapologetically sappy on this blog , i think . . . . ( /j ) and since it’s going to be 2024 in like 20 minutes here in australia i wanted to get this out before it gets too late into the night hehe also ! i have a lot i want to say 

( also comm showcase because i thought that'd be cute )

so it’s almost been a year since i properly ( there's no way to properly do it but you understand . . ) started self-shipping , i think ? and it's ( in all honesty ? ) helped me through much of the year i started this blog back in march i believe , but i consider our anniversary to be in may ( i thought it was august but a very silly girlie got dates mixed up with lore if you could believe ehe ; ) which . . is five months off but it still feels pretty close ! he’s become such an intrinsic and important part of my life now that it feels as if it’s always been this way i guess . i’ve said it before but his character is just so kind and gentle and caring but also he’s reminded be how lovely it is to actually romanticise life a little bit and how good it feels to embrace your passion/s i um . . i love him very much ? 🩵🥺

he’s such a genuine source of comfort and so very dear to my heart , and I truly think he’s going to be my love favourite forever and i can't wait to do more ship stuff in the coming year hehe ! i’ve been with this series for sixteen years now . because i'm old . ( /j ) it was such a huge staple of my childhood and maybe i’ll talk about it someday - i'd like to ! - because many of my dearest memories are centred around this franchise. perhaps this blog was always inevitable in that way , i like to joke about self shipping with him is like a long term membership bonus . . but either way , in a sense i feel so lucky i get to express my love for it in this way if that makes sense ?

marianne ( having been made this year ) is also important to me in a way that’s . . come to surprise me , honestly ? i haven’t had an ‘ oc ‘ in a very long while so perhaps i just forgot about how emotionally attached you can really become . it’s probably also no shock that despite being a self insert, she’s very personal to me . . as someone that admittedly struggles with quite a bit of negative self talk, being able to say i like these parts of myself that i implement into her character has been quite healing for me as well ! and being able to rediscover my love for collecting flowers and coffee was also something really fun to do ! to the person that designed her ( you know who you are hehe ) I’m so incredibly grateful you bought her to life. It truly does mean sm . . as well as to everyone that's drawn her of course hehe , im always so giddy to see my little beloveds drawn so prettyful !

i really can’t emphasise enough just how grateful i am for both the community and all of my really lovely moots. i’m rather quiet so i don’t talk a lot but the interactions i’ve had on here are soso special to me and i really do cherish them so much no matter how small . . i have so many fond memories this year of that alone and it makes me tearyy happy happy 2024 to you and your beloveds hehe - if you actually managed to sit through all this I’m actually spinning you around so so much you very lovely and sweet . I hope the new year is everything you want it to be ! sending you each and every one of my best wishes your waaay mwah mwah !

Call back your energy and power in 2024

Credit @moonastrogirl

We are entering a new era, we are in a karmic year ruled by number 8.

Song like “Angel numbers” from Chris Brown with lyrics like « healing energy on me » are popping out to tell us exactly what 2024 will be.

A year filled with people facing themselves and their demons and asking for another’s energy to heal them. People who did the most by taking other’s power and energy to use it for their own will be facing karma. Sometimes karma is only them facing themselves and going on their healing journey. Yet a lot of them won’t do that and will keep on using others energy to go through the year.

It’s a great time for everyone to face themselves and heal. Those who have already done the healing process will have it easier this year.

How to be sure to not stand in the way of other’s karma and not receive the karma meant for them ?

Just take back your power and energy.

Here’s some affirmations to do it.

And if you see someone you haven’t seen for a long time coming back to you or talking to you after saying these affirmations then you know why. They are back to take once again your energy or power. Do not let them back into your life.

Say these affirmations with authority and conviction. Say them regularly this year.

I CALL MY POWER BACK TO ME

FROM EVERY PERSON, PLACE, ENTITY

FROM EVERY SPACE, PORTAL, TIME AND DIMENSION

FROM EVERY CONNECTION, ATTACHMENT AND VESSEL WHERE I LEFT IT

ANYONE AND ANYTHING THAT IS ATTEMPTING TO CIPHER MY ENERGY AND LIFE FORCE

YOU DO NOT HAVE MY CONSENT TO USE MY VITALITY AND I CALL MY POWER BACK

I NOW RELEASE THAT WHICH IS NOT MY OWN AND I SEND IT BACK TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER

I LAY DOWN THE WEIGHT THAT DOESN’T BELONG TO ME AS WELL AS THE WEIGHT THAT DOES

I FORGIVE ALL THINGS ALL PEOPLE AND ALL OTHERS

I FORGIVE MYSELF

I CLOAK MYSELF IN A BRIGHT LIGHT OF PROTECTION

IMPENETRABLE

I SHED LIGHT TO MY SHADOWS AND LOVINGLY WORK THROUGH ALL INSECURITIES, FLAWS AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE HABITS THAT CAUSE ME

NOT TO FLOW IN THE WAYS IN WHICH I WAS CREATED TO

ANY AND EVERY SOUL TIE IS NOW DISCONNECTED

MY MIND IS DECLUTTERED AND I SEE CLEARLY THOSE WHO NO LONGER SERVE ME AND THE MINDSET ATTACHED TO THEM

I TAKE TIME TO SELF-EVALUATION TO UNCOVER WHAT IN ME CONNECTED ME TO THAT ENERGY AND I HEAL MY BROKEN PLACES

I TAKE SPACE IN MY OWN LIFE AND I UNAPOLOGETICALLY DO THE SAME IN THE ROOMS THAT I WALK INTO

MY LIGHT, MY ENERGY SPEAKS FOR ME

BEFORE I EVER OPEN MY MOUTH

I SPEAK THOSE THINGS THAT ARE NOT AS THOUGH THEY WERE

NOT AS IF THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN

BUT I ACTIVATE THEM WITH MY LIGHT ENERGY INTO BEING FROM OBSCURITY

MY VIBRATION REVERBERATES AND PUSHES AWAY ANY ENERGY THAT IS NOT ON THE SAME FREQUENCY AND I ALIGN

KNOWING THAT THIS IS ALL THAT IS REQUIRED OF ME

I RECEIVE MY POWER AND ENERGY BACK

(ASÉ) -> at the end, say it if you know what it means and you agree with it, if not, don’t say it

Source for these affirmations @joysoulmusic on Tiktok

Thank you for reading this and I wish for my post to be seen by those who need it the most so they can receive the blessings meant for them this year and they can get out the way of karma meant for someone else 💜 Cause get out the way baby, get out the way 🗣️

Check out my other posts on 2024 I talk about what we will get and what to do this year using astrology and numerology

- 2024 numerology - predictions/tips

- Escape the matrix month by month with astrology

Credit @moonastrogirl

SOTU - 2024

Well, I'm forcing myself to watch the State of the Union while I grade speeches, so I figured I'd record my reactions and thoughts here.

Do I hope for the words "Immediate Ceasefire"? Absolutely. Will we get them? Looking at the track record, probably not. But I remain optimistic because otherwise I'd be six feet under by now; ANYWHO here is a list of my reactions/thoughts/general feelings of the evening's watch.

I do want to give a point of clarity: I technically am identified as a democrat; truly, I'm a socialist, but seeing as how the U.S. is stuck in this godforsaken two-party-system, that is where I am. Though both sides have me feeling very french-revolutionary-esque.

Of course the first thing I see if MTG rifling through her purse on screen. I quite literally despise her.

AP is discussing Ukraine's need for weapons and funding; I would truly rather us align with Ukraine than Isr@el. I will stand unapologetically firm for Palestine and Ukraine.

Who is actually in the cabinet? I know Blinken, Garland, and Buttiegeg. Damn, wish he was running again. Would rather have him than Biden.

How insane is it that the Sec. of Defense didn't even let the White House know that he had to go in for surgery because of cancer. Like, that's just bonkers to me.

Republicans truly look like fucking robots right now. No warm greetings, no hellos, simple nods.

Republicans out here wasting fucking time with that impeachment of Mayorkas. Like how about we house the homeless populations with the money they wasted on this circus.

Oh funky fresh look at the Ultra-Mormon(TM) Mitt Romney.

MTG with that stupid fucking MAGA hat on is just... disgusting. Like this bitch is crazy.

Okay Joe, speed it up down the fucking aisle please. I got papers to grade.

Lowkey Joe looks like he might have had a five-hour energy drink with that big-ole look in his eyes.

I do appreciate that Joe still smiles and is kind to MTG. She truly doesn't deserve it.

Okay this is getting just a wee bit too monarchy for me.

MTG holds up a button saying "Laken Riley..." (couldn't read the rest). Riley was a 14 year old girl murdered by a man who was an illegal immigrant of venezuela, and instead of handling this situation with grace, empathy, and love; MTG and others seem to be capitalizing on her death to push their anti-immigration rhetoric.

Okay, cool selfie skills Joe, but let's get on with it.

ALSO HOW IS JOE BIDEN GONNA BE SO IN DEPTH WITH TECH AND "Savvy" WITH IT WHEN MOTHERFUCKER WANTS TO BAN TIKTOK!? Hello?!

BERNIE AND RAPHAEL! I feel like I haven't seen these guys in 10 million years.

Oh thank god we're starting.

Aww the little hand shake thingy he does with Kamala makes my heart happy.

Did Joe just yell "tony"?!

Wow, even got some republicans clapping for him (probs not a good thing but here we are)

Okay, good bit of humor at the top; and a throwback to the 40s. Funky fresh.

Yeah we ain't living in ordinary times for damn sure.

Interesting point of democracy being attacked here in the U.S. AND Internationally. (Mentions Ukraine and Putin; no word on Gaza yet).

Someone busted out a Ukrainian flag and shook it; rock on.

OH SHIT HE GOT MIKE JOHNSON TO CLAP!

Appreciate the insistance that the U.S. won't send troops to UKR.

Good use of Reagan to connect with the Repubs; and compare to the predecessor (aka Tr*mp).

Mike Johnson nodding instead of clapping about the predecessor comment, trying to save his ass in Orange Man's eyes.

Welcome to NATO, Sweden!

If there is one thing that should connect Democrats and Republicans; it's hatred for Putin. Yet there's a mix of Repubs standing in agreement and sitting to back up the predecessor's comment on Putin doing "whatever the hell he wants"

Talking about Jan 6. What breaks my heart? My parents still believe it wasn't an insurrection. Yikes on Bikes for me.

The line "You can't love your country only when you win" hits hard and even got Mike Johnson to applaud in agreement.

Foreign AND Domestic. Need a hefty focus on that with the right-wing republican group (@ MTG, Gaetz, Cruz, etc.)

Discussing IVF in Alabama; good connection to the overturning of Rowe v. Wade. It sucks that Republicans HAVE THE POWER to protect IVF nationally but shot the damn bill down not even a week ago.

ABORTION IS A HUMAN RIGHT. BODILY AUTONOMY IS A HUMAN. FUCKING. RIGHT. (@ The Missouri Senators who support taking away bodily autonomy).

WOMEN AREN'T WITHOUT ELECTORAL AND POLITICAL POWER; WE ABOUT TO TURN UP IN FORCE MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Bring back the strats from the 1900s; time to use our power and go bonkers.

Someone get Joe a glass of water please. Motherfucker looks a bit parched and keeps coughing. I get that when my throat goes dryyy

Can Biden not restore RvW? Can he not by an executive order make RvW the law of the land already?

Revisiting COVID's start from 2020 (Next week is the four year anniversary since the global pandemic).

PFFT idk who just yelled "LIES" but that was comical AF.

Well, the pandemic still controls a big part of our lives... so...don't agree with that shit.

Man, everyone sitting-and-standing must be getting a HELLA calf work out.

Sure, unemployment is down and new jobs are built; but corporate greed is quite literally killing us. Can Congress or Biden do something, damn it?!

Are we beginning to feel it, though? Are we feeling good economics? I doubt we are.

Good job pointing out how both parties have failed to buy american products, but how this admin has established that.

There's a good two rows of Republicans who stand in applause; but the rest just... sit there. Like robots. It's freaky as fuck.

Joe is actually doing pretty great with the flow of this speech. Only a couple of stumbles, but overall pretty gucci. (He'd get a 9/10 on delivery in my public speaking class).

God these fuckers are really gonna make me run for office at this damn point.

Removing poisonous lead pipes... but there's still a water crisis in Flint, Biden. Like, what the fuckeroni do you mean?

Yes, let's invest in family farms; lets stop selling our farmland (especially in Missouri) to foreign countries (@ China buying up TONS of Missouri Farmland).

I love that the UAW president is here, because he straight up is my kind of people. Dude wears eat-the-rich shirts and calls out the unethical-ness of billionaires.

UAW President pointing to Biden saying "It's you!"; nah dawg, it's you Sean.

MIDDLE CLASS DID BUILD THE COUNTRY AND UNIONS BUILT THE MIDDLE CLASS MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

Yes we get back up but right now...we might be getting more french revolutionary-esque if y'all don't stop PLAYING WITH OUR LIVES.

Oh jesus not the 4-more-years chants.

Oh now we talking about the future

YES PLEASE END TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMIES.

Says he's not anti-corp; but points out how trickle down economics has only helped the wealthy.

Yeah, how the fuck does it hurt the wealthy to pay just a weeee bit more in taxes? Like dawg, what are you gonna do with another million? What's the point?

Ooooh is Biden about to rope the repubs into some bipartisan shit? Please do.

What is Republicans huge issue with capping insulin? Truly? Who does it harm? Billionaires still get billions.

There was a post on here a while back which described navigating social spaces while Autistic like trying to walk through a minefield. One wrong move and, well, you blow up. blowing up hurts, so you create systems, rules, you try and find a rhyme or reason as to how the explosives are laid out so that you might make it through unscathed. I've come to know this as "Masking".

There's a moment where every autistic realizes that they are different, because they step on a mine that, to an allistic, isn't even there. It's a crushing weight to know that there is a seemingly invisible force that will hurt them again and again unless they hide who they are (begin to mask) and try to forge a path. For me it was middle school when I learned this; when I realized I didn't truly have any friends because public school is cruel and othering. So, I changed how I spoke, learned how to tell jokes, developed hobbies that would make me more likable (which is how I started art) until, finally, 8 years later It seemed like I was on the other of the field: I had finally made it.

That all shattered in an instant, in 2021, a decisive step ended with a fireball so large fragments of me are still being found in the field. So, hurt and stricken with the loss of acceptance that I so briefly had, I did the other option that post talked about: I stayed still. Just..didn't move, because if I did I risked being hurt again. New year's 2022 I had moved up north, but still I remained where I was. 2023 came and began to pass, and instead of keeping pace I watched as it sped by.

To put it bluntly, I was burnt out both socially and in my art, full of resentment for what hurt me and shame for not being able to mask as effectively; that version of me had died in the explosion. All these terrible feelings reached a boil when my shame and resentment towards myself was inadvertently aimed towards someone I loved. In that moment I saw that I was rotting...

And I saw how empty I was.

So much of myself previously was dedicated solely to masking in an attempt to fit in, that when fitting in became no longer an option that huge part of myself became void of purpose, and so that part of me itself became a void.

I don't really remember the months after that, but in October I had gotten my hands on a book: "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price. The introduction to that book was like an electric shock to my heart, revitalizing me and reversing the decay- his and other autistic folk's experiences described in the book was so alike mine that I suddenly understood my emptiness and was aware of the fractured mask hanging from my face. Armed with knowledge of my ailment the author then gave me a path out of the minefield...back from whence I came. Retrace my steps. Understand previous blunders, forgive myself for them, and exit the field to forge my own way to live and navigate life freely without fear of being reduced to bits.

I will struggle to post this, I know I will. Part of me masking, one of my guiding rules through the mines was to *never* make sincere personal posts because "sincerity from someone you follow who's not known for it is uncomfortable" (getting into the why of this is a whole other can of worms). But I will do it anyways, because the time for me being avoidant of my feelings are over.

In 2024, I will be fully embracing my autism. I don't know what i'll look like without the mask- I probably still haven't gotten rid of it fully- But I will be more genuine...probably uncomfortably so, My blog will be more self-serving (and probably my art too once I detangle my worth as an artist from how "good" it looks), I'll reblog cringy fandom stuff and say weird things and blog at length about how much I love airplanes and large industrial systems and freak furry things. I will be deadpan and monotone and just be so unapologetically autistic, because then i'll truly be me. ok bye bye

So I made art vs artist thing

I put my end of the year ramblings under the cut, but you GOT TO read them. Not really. If you don't want to you don't have to.

I honestly don't know how to make year-end results, but all I have to say is that how genuinely grateful I am to be in a place where I am now, in the real life and with my internet presence.

This year felt like forever and if I reflect on it I really did a lot of cool stuff. I got my degree, I practiced as a teacher in an art school, I made my own photo exhibition and even got myself a serious big girl job. Oh and OF COURSE I got a hyperfixation on emh with such intensity I haven't been interested in anything since like 2014.

I've been in therapy for 1,5 now and I'm really starting to feel that life is worth living, even though it's still full of suffering and generally bad stuff. I'm so happy that I can finally unapologetically be myself, talk abt my silly interests, and be generally cringy without feeling bad. Even though in this year I've realized and remembered a lot of really bad stuff about my childhood, at least I can work with it.

And now theres clearly no big surprise I turned out this way.

On the topic of my experience in the past 4 months, I'm being completely honest when I say how much your comments and silly hashtags matter to me. It's such a surreal experience for me when i draw this silly little guy who, FOR SOME REASON, became my comfort character and... People like it. It's honestly insane to me.

It's like... I don't know. I feel real, I guess.

I thought abt it a lot and I'm sorry if it sounds cheesy, but its true.

So.

Yeah.

Thank you if you have read this through. I wish you a happy new year, and I hope that everything will be better in 2024. ( |˶˃ᆺ˂˶) \ ノﾞ

currently laying in bed sick and figured i’d get some things off my chest

being on tumblr and interacting w ppl on here is strange bc 2023 was the roughest year of my entire life, like no joke. irl and online, i’ve been forced to stay quiet, hidden, and endure being burnt from every possible angle. i’ve gotten out of one toxic cycle barely by the skin of my teeth and the second chance of life i was given would be a wasted if i didn’t change the way i live and think.

this blog used to be a safe haven for me, a place where i could share my writing (which is something I wanted to get back into since falling out of it for years.) i had a huge medical accident, and never got treated properly for it because I couldn’t afford to see a doctor (financial abuse woo!! 😀) and was gaslight to believe certain things weren’t as they seemed, so my health was pushed to the back burner and i had to press on for someone who never even loved me. now that i’m away from that situation, i’ve been trying to not put pressure on myself to write and upload. i see writing as a whole an art and the things i want to create cannot be rushed or mass produced, which is what a lot of younger people are used to and why they’re so rude and demanding requests, why they don’t read rules or respect boundaries, why they say out of pocket shit because they’re used to commenting on their fav creator/celebs pics without repercussions. writers aren’t influencers or content creators — we’re people who do what we love for free. no creators programs to pay us and gives us platforms, no sponsorships, some of us don’t even get tips. when i see mutuals leave certain fandom spaces because of hate, it genuinely makes me sad.

on top of abuse irl, i’ve been getting abused on here as well. internet harassment hardly constitutes as “bullying” in the eyes of some but not to me. this is an especially hard topic for me to talk about, and i can hardly be vague about it because it will kick up a bunch more shit. but if want see the change, i have to speak up. if i want to be comfortable, i first have to get used to be uncomfortable. I never said anything until now, because it’s been dragged out long enough. they’re younger than me and are clearly suffering psychological issues. i for real don’t want them to be hurt. but it’s hard to not notice what they’re doing when they’re doing it. they keep tabs on everything i say and people i talk to, make blogs and remake blogs when I block them. i don’t have definite proof of this part in particular, but i suspect they go around and tell stories about me which makes sense as to why mutuals i’ve made will block/unfollow me out of the blue. (anyone can block who they want for whatever reason they want, but the pattern is there and it’s strange.) i’m sure they’ll try to take this post and create an issue, victimize themselves and change the narrative, but I don’t care anymore. i mentioned no names and i said what i said.

i want my blog back. i want to write my silly fics and stories. i want to be able to support people unapologetically and see all the self ships, say what i want to say and post what i want to post and show ppl that love is everything and there’s no place for hate in 2024. i’ve always been outspoken and called bullshit when i smelled it, and have said whatever has come to my mind. so if there’s anything I’ve ever said that may have offended someone in anyway, i actually truly am sorry and will 100% say it to your face if need be. its easy for me to troll real trolls, and stick up for other people who have a hard time defending themselves. i need to learn how to do the same for myself, and relearn how to take care of myself. i feel more comfortable doing that one step at a time.

happy new years eve everyone! here's an overly-personal post of me reflecting on 2023 ✨

have i ever told you guys that i had no idea ofmd was a queer show when i first started watching it? i really didn't know the first thing about it-- i'd never even seen a picture of stede in my life. it took me almost three weeks to veeery gradually get through the first three episodes. i enjoyed them, but only felt like tuning in during dinner on weekends. i've been around fandom spheres for twelve years but i've never been part of a big fandom myself (or of any fandom that wasn't related to video games or, well, anime). certainly didn't think that would change anytime soon. yet suddenly, a mere three weeks before the start of season 2, i heard the words "you wear fine things well" and all the circuits in my brain were reset

2023 had definitely been a suboptimal year for me until then-- devastating natural disasters, personal losses, deep political problems, the uszh. not to mention the terrible injustices and wars happening around the world. i tend to protect myself from negative thoughts and fear by letting hyperfixations consume me (as i'm sure many people can relate) and boy did ofmd do the job! especially with the excitement of s2... i didn't even realize when october came to an end, it just flew by! i excitedly watched every episode as soon as they came out, made some silly posts on this blog that i'd randomly decided to make... yes, the fandom has its fair share of problems, and i see annoying takes in my twitter fyp basically every day, but eh, i've seen (and been in) worse communities. my experience has been lovely! i love all the beautiful fan art, gifsets and meta posts here. people are so passionate, which only makes my passion grow stronger. i really appreciate it.

unsurprisingly, i've consumed basically everything you can possibly consume that features rhys/the new zealand gang (i've become a diehard fotc fan too). sorry for the sudden dark turn but a really close friend of mine tragically passed away the day after my birthday in november. i don't think i would've moved on with my life if it wasn't for the very welcome distraction provided by these series. especially ofmd of course

ofmd isn't just a silly fun comedy show, it isn't just a love story, at least not to me. it's the story of a man who's spent his life feeling lost, left out, left behind, unwanted, unloved, unneeded. a middle-aged gay man stuck in aristocracy who, for some reason, i can deeply relate to as a young queer person stuck in the middle east. it's the story of people like me freely and unapologetically being themselves, fighting to live their lives filled with joy and love, even in less-than-ideal conditions. it's given me a lot of strength and hope when i needed it. i would've had a much worse memory of 2023 in my mind if it hadn't been for ofmd

so yeah. 2023? not a huge fan! glad it's over! but i'm really glad ofmd was part of it!! i'll remember the past four months fondly, i'll keep loving the series for many months to come and i'll hopefully enjoy a third season with other fans. i'm excited! i hope 2024 will be better for everyone

thank you all!!

Psychopunk: Only Cancer is Immortal (April Issue, 2024)

This month's promo art brought to you by my writing prompt and a cursed AI. I couldn't think of a novel that could benefit more from the warped, discerning eye of a modern art generator. We hit over 14,000 words again this month, putting me at a respectable pace given how clean the drafts are! I am proud of myself and delighted to be writing this novel. My therapist and I have been talking about 'doing things just for myself' more, and while that sounds really boring and self-love-y, not doing it was the primary reason I got burned out so many times over the years. This is a book that's unapologetically for me and for people who care about me and want to know more about the inside of my brain.

And I think that's an ok thing to do! We're one chapter or so away from the conclusion of Part 1, so look forward to the thrilling climax of next month's release! Boy, how are our heroes going to get out of this jam? Who knows! Stay tuned and as always THANK YOU for being an amazing subscriber and supporting my work as an artist. And don't be shy about sharing what you think in my Discord server!

time machine meet-up : a lurkers pov (lolzies)

here's a long one lads:

i got into dan and phil in june of 2019. in fact i watched dans coming out video just a few days after moving 5000 miles away from where i grew up. phil's video came out literally 9 days after we arrived at the new house. i rushed into the living room to happily cry to my poor mother about how stoked i was. at the time, we were still sleeping on air mattresses, eating in an empty kitchen using plastic plates and camping chairs. i was 13. queer, adhd riddled, anxious and desperately lonely. dan and phil were the first friends i made in my new home.

while they were on hiatus i caught up. i followed their tags on instagram and spent that first summer scrolling endlessly, filling the hole where friends used to be with old videos and compilations and fanart and fan fiction.

i went to my first pride in my new home with cat whiskers delicately drawn on my face. i hoped it would give me community. id be able to find my people at that march. i didn't. i found them later, but that's a whole other story.

in the last 4-ish years i've become a totally different person. i'm more confident, more open with others and myself, im queerer and weirder and more happy than i have been since i gained consciousness. ive come into myself in so many ways. and now that dan and phil are back, i see the changes in myself reflected in them and it's so, so healing. they're so much funnier, so much kinder, so much gayer and weirder and hornier and louder and so deeply and beautifully and unapologetically themselves.

i love you dan and phil, even though I've never said it. just quietly parasocial, too scared to comment or start a blog or twitter. i'm one of those silent watchers dan talked about in "why i quit youtube", being saved and healed and helped and supported without making a sound. so thanks for that, lads.

and i love you phannies (despite your stupid, stupid fandom name), i love the acceptance and weirdness and queerness and loudness and confident cringyness of this community. i love the home you've built for freaks and geeks on this circle of hell we call the internet. so thank you for that.

i probably won't ever post anyth on this blog again, i just wanted to put it out there how dnp have helped us too, the ones too scared to make friends in the phandom. thank you all for creating a place we can go to anyway, even if we never really interact. thank you for being so unapologetic and so weird. thank you for being so gay and so loud.

here's to many more years of being old, gay, and giving no fucks.

me: 2019 -> 2024

🌈My Goals For 2024

I told myself I wasn’t going to do resolutions this year but heck it, I am!

🧸Prioritize Play Of course there are times where I “play” every day but I’m talking about something more dedicated and specific. As in with actual toys or otherwise no devices around / access to the outside world. Which at the moment is something I only experience a couple times a year at most. A big problem for me aswell is that I don’t know how to play. I have a terrible imagination and I can line my toys up or get a scene made but to actually engage in that is difficult. However play has a huge impact on my mental health, I feel my best mentally when I have been able to have a play session. So I want to try and make a priority to myself to at the very least try playing once a week.

📚Read More Last year was my first year getting back into reading ( really since I was in high-school ) and it was a big success! I set myself with a goal of 5 books, and I read 13!

This year my goal is to read 10 books, and I think I will hit it because last year I didn’t start reading until the Summer, now I’ve got all year. I think that every year I will add 5 books to my goal just to keep it manageable. A bigger part of this for me is to make sure that I am reading every day if I am able to. If you wanna track my progress or see the things I like, feel free to add me on Goodreads!

🌈Accomidate For Myself

A big one…but just like reading it is something I started doing more at the end of 2023. I have always felt like I might be on the spectrum of neurodiversity and the more I look into myself and my entire life the more apparent that has become, so I have been trying to allow myself to just…be me and not be who other people want me to be / be “normal”. This means so, so many things for me. Seeking a diagnosis ( or more answers ) is something I want to look into in the future, I am diagnosed BPD but especially these days I don’t even feel like I would meet the diagnostic criteria anymore. Of course you don’t need an official diagnosis but I would not feel comfortable calling myself without one because I don’t want to invade spaces I don’t belog in and also because it would be nice to be told “you are this way because of x” would make me feel much better about myself.

This is probably gonna be the biggest / word rambly section of the blog so feel free to skip it!

A really huge step for me regarding this was how I navigate social spaces online. As in I finally allowed myself to only follow people I want to, break mutuals, block people, ect. I had been forcing myself to follow people I didn’t want to for years just because we were mutuals, and same goes for blocking people too. And this also goes for communication too. For so, so long I wondered what was wrong with me and why I found messaging people so draining…and maybe I just am not meant to communicate like other people are! What also helped me was that I realised I just can’t talk to people on places like Telegram that allow you to see when the other person has viewed your message, it makes me anxious to know people can see when I viewed there messages ( because I’m not free to chat all the time ) moving to Discord primarily ( where I can I have some friends who aren’t on there ) is a massive help.

Being more unapologetic in regards to special interests too.Indulging in these things does wonders for my mental health and makes me happy in ways I can’t describe… my special interest is Spirit Riding Free. Something widely hated by most furries due to their connections to Spirit Stallion Of The Cimmaron. So I’ve not talked about it as much because the comments of people hating it are just tiresome. However I am finally going to allow myself to express myself the way that I want to without shame. I started up a document for my collection, and made a whole blog where I am free to talk about it as much as I please without bothering other people. There is not a whole lot of merchandise in the UK but I recently found a large selection of adult Spirit clothes on Amazon that I would like to have, at present I’ve only got one shirt. And being able to incorporate it into every day makes things much easier for me.

I struggle a lot to go out by myself. People always take pictures of me, stare at me, or laugh at me. And I still haven’t fully adjusted to being here despite having moved over 4 years. Something I realised that helps me a lot is bringing things to stim with when I need to go out. This is something I want to continue to do more of, and if I cna muster the courage is to carry a stuffed animal around with me even if I am by myself.

If you read this giant ramble, I’m very sorry! If you’d like to share your goals for this year please feel free to. I’d love to see them : D

The Odyssey and Rumors of My Ego Death (Greatly Exaggerated)

Let me apologize to begin with. Let me apologize for what I'm about to say...

Welcome to 2024, or as I'm regarding it: the year I fight back. I'm back from a meditative retreat out of the country, and I feel ready to go! I have my usual goals of losing 50-100 lbs and moving away from my parents again (this time without a forwarding address), but mostly, I want to make major strides towards living my passions.

In short, I have been "gone" for the past 7-8 years, living in fear and ashamed to be myself, and I am feeling ready to stand in my vulnerability and to live unapologetically as myself, a learning and evolving human. I want to live fearlessly, and that means confronting the kinds of things I've been advised to sweep under the rug and take to the grave.

Also, this sounds like a good time in my life to get some spiritual gains out of my introspection, with some micro dosing.

(Whoops! That's too much!)

Anyway, onto parental matters - and file this one in the "things I would never say to my offspring" collection - my dad has said that he will only help keep my family off the streets if I turn into someone he likes. In other words, someone who doesn't point out the things I don't like, such as being lied to and having him send illegal pills to my house or such as showing unabashed, complete favoritism towards my brother's kids over my own. Sorry I can't get down with that, so I guess I'm just not worthy then, and neither are my kids for that matter. I understand that parents and kids don't have to be the best of friends, especially in adulthood, but for that to be the literal condition of receiving love? That is something I would never do to my own, even if I personally didn't like them, their significant other, their own kids, whatever...

So comment below, especially if you are grown and with kids of your own, what is something extra messed up that your parent said to you that stuck with you? I'm sure there's plenty!

Also, please toss your favorite mentally ill blogger a tip so I can keep a roof over my head! I love you long time for it!

Lately, I got back into some of the 3D Mario games, especially playing Odyssey over again (this time in Assist Mode because my kid already started a save a long time ago but never progressed from there). Even now, that game plays so fluidly and is such a joy! I even started messing around with the photo mode, which was something I ignored the first time playing through years ago. Throw some likes my way, since I am an attention ho, and I'll see if I can figure out the technology for posting some of these pics on here. You'd think I was 70, but I assure you I'm aware how late I am to the party on these things. Still, it's something I've found that has brought me a bit of joy and distraction, and so I wouldn't mind sharing it.

I have also been racing around on Mario Kart quite a bit, so send me a friend request and let's race! If you beat me, it's because I took psychedelics! 👌🏁🏎️😁

See you on the next one! I don't make real resolutions because if I do then I come to resent them, but has anyone made resolutions in the past that were difficult to achieve but you managed to accomplish?

024 and All the Feels: Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster of life

As we step into the second day of 2024, emotions are running high, and I can't help but feel like I'm caught in a whirlwind of sentiments. Leaving 2023 behind should be a chance for a fresh start, a clean slate, but for some reason, it seems more complex than that.

I've always prided myself on being the resilient one, the tough cookie who never succumbs to anger or tears. It's a trait I developed growing up, navigating the challenges of being away from my family and dealing with childhood traumas. Trusting no one and avoiding connections became my coping mechanism – after all, the only person who could let me down was myself.

But as I welcomed my last child into the world in 2023, something changed. Hiding my emotions became increasingly challenging, and the walls I'd built over the years started to crumble. It's as if the doors and boxes where I stashed away unacknowledged thoughts and suppressed emotions couldn't contain them anymore.

In the midst of being a new parent once again, I found myself unexpectedly breaking down – in the kitchen, the bathroom, and even at the pharmacy. The facade I meticulously maintained, smiling and pretending I'm always okay, was falling apart. It was a wake-up call that I could no longer ignore.

Acknowledging the need for change, I decided to embark on a journey of self-discovery through therapy. I wanted to mend the fragments of my broken self and rediscover what it means to be genuinely happy. Yet, the more I opened up, the more I discovered a well of anger within me.

In the past, forgiveness came easy, and letting go of things beyond my control was second nature. However, as I unravel in therapy, I realize that this newfound vulnerability has also brought to the surface a reservoir of suppressed emotions, including anger.

It's a paradox – seeking healing reveals a raw side of ourselves we've long kept hidden. As a parent, it's not just about our journey; it's about understanding how our emotional landscape impacts those around us, especially our children. Through therapy, I hope to not only fix myself but to be a better parent and create a healthier emotional environment for my family.

So, here's to 2024 – a year of self-discovery, healing, and embracing all the feels that come our way. Because, in the end, it's not about being the tough one; it's about being authentically and unapologetically ourselves.