#....I guess I really am a mirrorball thanks taylor | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

Visit Blog

Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.

Fun Fact

Women make up for the other 50% of Tumblr’s audience.

#....I guess I really am a mirrorball thanks taylor

teyamsatan · 1 year

Text

Illicit Affairs | Chapter VIII: My Tears Ricochet

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: All secrets are revealed and both you and Neteyam have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, limited mentions of Y/N, did i mention angst, angst and more angst?

Word Count: 10,3k words (the first couple chapters were 3k, how did we get here??!)

A/N: This chapter killed me a little inside. I cried multiple times writing it, so I guess fair warning. I wanted really badly to build strong, round characters who had flaws and strengths and strong reasoning for acting a certain way/doing certain things. I wanted to write this story from both character's perspective, so it is clear that in life, each person will think they are right, that their reasoning was the correct one, when in reality, we are all a little right and a little wrong in everything we do, and it is always worth trying to see things from the other's perspective. We are coming towards the end of this first series, so I hope you enjoy this chapter and the rest of this journey. As always, thank you so much for everyone who engaged with it, I loved reading ALL of your comments and replies, they really make my day.

(Also, I feel like I am playing my own little game of "how many Taylor Swift and OG Avatar lyrics/quotes/references I can reasonably fit in a story without it being obnoxious" and I can't tell if I'm winning or not.)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

You registered the girl asking you if you were alright, but you couldn’t see in front of you, the entire room spinning like the inside of a mirrorball. You felt your body rise from where it was sat next to Neteyam’s, and shakily made your way out. Neteyam’s mate. Neteyam’s mate was next to you, asking you if you need help. It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” you manage to blurt out weakly.

You heard more commotion, and faintly made out Jake’s voice and his arm on your shoulder, trying to bring you back to them.

“Neteyam, what the hell happened?”

You didn’t hear Neteyam speak. He was quiet and you were glad. You didn’t want to hear his voice, not now, and not for the rest of your life.

The world came back to focus eventually, and you spit aggressively trying to get rid of the taste of acid in your mouth. You removed Jake’s hand from your back, and left. The thought of speaking or even looking at any of them was too much to bear. You ran, harder than you ever had before, back to where you just came from, the Ikran nest in the village. You immediately recognised your own, beautiful, gold and white, pure, unlike the rest of this world. Neyn (light colours, shades of white)… fitting name, you thought. You made the tsaheylu quickly, and without a second thought, took off.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

You had no thoughts as you flew above the forest and made your way towards the general direction of the Hallelujah mountains. You realised you didn’t know where you were going, you didn’t know how you were going to find your way back, but it didn’t matter. Were you even going to ever return? There were no tears, no sadness, just emptiness. The pieces of your heart broke so finely they turned into dust, blown away in the wind of the night. Eventually you found the mountains, easy enough to spot, even in the darkness, the fluorescent flora marking the territory with an easy-to-see glow. You flew like this, for enough time that your lungs were running out of breath and your skin felt battered by the wind, but you kept going. You felt so free, so weightless. There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

You saw a distant mountain that looked brighter than the others, and you made your way to it and were amazed to find a little cave in it, bright and colourful, a little piece of heaven on a planet that was heaven in and of itself. Neyn landed softly on the edge of the mountain and you dismounted effortlessly and approached her head, giving her pets on her neck, to which she cooed gently. She was the only friend you had, you realise. You were all alone.

“Neteyam, what happened?”

Neteyam was dragged in the tent by his dad, who was fuming. No matter what feelings his dad was feeling, they couldn’t compare to Neteyam’s anguish and terror. Why the hell was she there? She just had to wait another couple of hours and this would have never happened.

“She was patching my wound up when Tiongli came in the tent, announcing to the world she is my mate. Said mother told her about my injury.”

“Don’t you dare blame this on your mother, boy.” the Sully patriarch’s nose was flared, eyes looking at him intensely with anger and disappointment. Neteyam’s eyes filled with tears, and he felt his heart hurting so much like the gash was there instead of his arm.

“I was going to tell her tonight, dad. After dinner. I was going to tell her everything, and I was going to ask her to be my mate. I was going to come to you both and ask you to undo the engagement. I understand that a year and a half ago I gave up on her, I did it for a reason, I thought there was no future for us, and that we were hurting each other. But things have changed. She has changed. She’s going to be one of the people soon and I want her to be mine.”

“Neteyam, you can’t undo the engagement. You have known Tiongli your whole life, her family’s been expecting this since you were both young. You gave your word before Eywa, son.”

“I love her, dad. Do you understand that? I have loved her all of my life. It killed me having to leave, it killed me knowing there was no future, because she was human. But she’s not just human anymore. I was willing to go through with this for the sake of the village, for the sake of the family and the future, but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life. Mother was betrothed to uncle Tsu’tey, and she gave that up for you. It was done before Eywa, and she didn’t care. Because she loved you and she knew that was enough. She gave up being Tsahik, her birth right, so she can have you. I will not give up on her, dad. Mother wouldn’t have given up on you.”

“I have to find her. I have to make this right.”

You were sprawled on your back, feeling goosebumps form along your limbs from the cold grass. You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating. Will you even still be alive when they come? Will everything you have gone through these few months matter? Will everything you have gone through in this life matter? All the pain, and the hurt, and the grief, just so you can die at 18 from a virus. The universe was cruel, you thought. It was a fitting end, though. Meaningless and daft, like your entire life was. Born on a planet you were not made to be able to survive on, your real planet a long-forsaken dream you will never experience for yourself, surrounded by nature that could kill you in an instant. Alone, never fitting anywhere, orphaned by human diseases: cancer and greed. Left to fend for yourself when you were just ten, learning to navigate a life that only seemed to want to clobber you to the ground whenever you thought you finally could stand up again.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel, not anymore. You wanted to fight for something, for the chance at life, or at retribution, or at love. You were dying and Neteyam killed whatever hope remained in you. They all did. Norm, Max, Jake, Neytiri, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, all accomplices, all aware, all willing to lie to your face for weeks with no remorse. You thought you were good at spotting liars, now you just knew how little you knew about everything.

The pain in your soul mirrored the one in your body, as you felt the morphine wearing off and your human body struggling to keep the mind steady for the link. You had to bear it, because this pain was more manageable than the one you knew waited for you in your human form, when you would be alone in a dark room with only your nightmares to keep you company.

With a sigh and a peer up at the sky, you hoped whatever comes after death was better than the hell you’ve lived in the majority of this life.

Neteyam waited the whole night in your tent, waited for you to come back, becoming increasingly worried as the hours passed and you didn’t show. He wanted to go and look for you, but knew that as soon as you got on your ikran, the chances of finding you were thin. He would go to the lab as soon as dawn broke, but for now, he was praying that you would just burst through the tent opening so he can talk you down.

He fucked up, badly. He cringed at the thought of how much he seemed to not be able to get anything right when it comes to you. Everything he did or didn’t do ended up hurting you more, the only thing he didn’t want, the only thing in the world he continuously tried to avoid.

He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lifetime to make it up to you. He will not give up trying, no matter how long, no matter how hard, he was determined to win you back and keep you, forever.

As you made it back to your human body in the early hours of the morning, you regretted waiting so long, as your body was in indescribable agony, the likes with which you didn’t know was possible for the human body to ever experience. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, you were sweating bullets and every bone and muscle in your body throbbed with enough intensity to make it almost impossible for you to get up from the pod. Everyone must be asleep at this hour, you thought. You had to make it to your bed, you had to get at least a couple of hours of rest if you were going to live to see another day. As if you were taking the Iknimaya again, you made your way form the lab to the medical ward and injected another dose of the morphine in your system. There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

You crashed in your room for a few hours and quickly made your way back to the pod before anyone else was there to talk to. You started the linkpod by yourself and got in without hesitation.

Waking up in your Avatar body was a strange experience, as you were still in the Hallelujah mountains where you fell asleep last night. Neyn did not leave you, you noted, and she was peacefully resting next to you, cooing softly in her sleep.

“Hey, beautiful girl. Time to go back. It would be useful if you knew the way.” you pet her gently, trying not to disturb her. She woke up and pushed her snoot in your chest, and you felt it swell for this animal that you had an unbreakable bond with; you were grateful you had done the Iknimaya and at least gained a life companion from that horrible day.

As suspected, Neyn knew where to take you, and in about an hour you made it back to the village. You dreaded it, dreaded the inevitable interaction, but you knew you had to go back at some point and inform them of your whereabouts.

It was still early, so the village wasn’t quite bustling with energy yet. You quietly made it back to your tent, which you found empty. You grabbed your bow and arrows, knife and gun and a couple extra magazines. You didn’t know if you were going to be back. As you were making your way out, your head bumped into a large, muscular chest.

Fuck.

“Where the hell were you all night, kid? None of us slept a wink last night worrying.”

“Out.”

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

You laughed at the irony of his words. He caught your arm as you were walking away and pulled you back forcefully so you can face him.

“You are not going anywhere.”

“Let go.” Jake raised a brow at your words. He was not used to being spoken this way, you realise.

“How long?”

His grasp on you loosened, and his gaze softened when you peered up at him through eyelashes to which tears clung.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Kid…”

“How fucking long, Jake?”

He let go of your arm at your curse, which had never been directed at him before.

“Watch your tone, kid.”

“You made me feel like shit for learning to shoot guns without you. It made you feel bad, right? Knowing I purposefully left you out of something you could have been useful at, something we could have bonded over? I hurt you, by pushing you and Neytiri away for so many years, and I am sorry for that, but you have never, in your life, tried to understand me. So you gave me shit about something you didn’t understand, and I hurt so much inside at the thought of all I gave away by my reluctance to trust, to love, to let people in. So I changed. I let you in. I was here, everyday, acting like a perfect little daughter for you, the daughter I knew you wanted. Strong, capable, skilled. I let Neytiri in. I started calling her mum in my dreams, and although the guilt for my own mother gnawed at my insides silently, I was also relived, to finally have a family again, or for the first time.

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

I trusted you, Jake. You fucking lied to my face for months. Every time I asked where Neteyam was at dinners and you told me he was practicing, every day you plotted to get me out of the village as early morning as humanly possible and get me back after everyone else was fast asleep, I knew it in my heart you were lying, but you were all so good at it, I thought I was going crazy. But no, it was all a carefully planned ruse to not find out you made me come here and be part of the people just to watch the man I love belong to someone else without even a chance to decide for myself how to feel about it.”

The fight brought out the rest of the Sully family out of their tent, and they were all watching you now, concern and sadness displayed across their beautiful faces.

“You all lied to me. Looked me in the fucking eyes and lied to me, every day, multiple times a day. You were supposed to be my family.

The humans are coming. I will be here. I will stand and fight, you know I will. I will be your little soldier, and be who you made me into.

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

You were no longer delightfully numb, but burning with anger and earth-shattering sorrow as you stalked away from the village, leaving everything behind. Your eyes were blurry with endless tears, mourning this life and this family that you managed to gain and lose within the span of a few weeks, reeling from the wounds within your heart that never had a chance to mend before being opened again, over and over. You didn’t want to go back to the lab, knowing Neteyam was most likely looking for you there. You couldn’t go to the clearing for the same reason. You had no home anymore, no place in this world, once again. You could only think of one place to go, one place where no one would ever look for you.

Your knees were shaking furiously as you walked, and you were scared of another flashback that you would have to ride out by yourself, but it never came. You just walked, crying and panting from all the pain the last 24 hours brought, and eventually you made it to a place you never thought you would ever see again. The clearing looked peaceful, with rays of light penetrating through tree branches, creating Mandalas on the ground that you found yourself tracing with your eyes.

In the corner, lay a decrepit exo suit, and you made your way to it, settling on the ground next to it. You knew now this exo suit belonged to your dad, and you removed some vines that grew on top of his name, Gideon Barlowe. A beautiful name, you thought, and your mind wandered to the past, a past way before you were even born, and wondered what your grandparents did back on Earth. Did they encourage their son to leave his own planet in pursuit of planetary colonisation, monetary gain and murderous acts? Did they know? Did he know? Was he like that his whole life, or did he start off fighting the good fight, and was corrupted by the jagged and monstrous lifestyle? You wondered if this was what he has always dreamt of doing, or he had secret dreams of being a painter, or a gardener. Did he play guitar, too? You snored sometimes, did you get that from him? You had so many questions for this man you shared half your DNA with, but have never met. For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

Sobbing uncontrollably, you heard yourself speak in between wails. “Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

A little past eclipse, you arrived at the lab, and used the keycard you remembered to bring with you. You hoped Neteyam would be gone by now, in case he was trying to find you here. You made your way through the hub and into your bedroom, which looked tiny in your Avatar body. You realise how uncomfortable it must have been for him to be here so often, then cursed your brain for making you think about such things. Your Avatar body needed a bed, so you walked slowly to where the other Avatar bodies usually were laid to rest for the night. There should be an empty space where your mum or Grace used to sleep. It didn’t take long for you to wake up back in the linkpod, as with most nights recently, you were barely able to maintain the neurolink by the time evening came.

Max was waiting for you. “Neteyam came by. He’s been looking for you, said you left the village yesterday and didn’t come back. He was worried sick.”

You didn’t answer him, as you slowly got out of the pod and tried to steady your feet on the ground, harder than it seemed when the entire room was spinning around you.

“What happened?”

“The mate you all hid from me for weeks came announcing herself in my tent as we were just about to kiss.”

“Any other questions?”

You didn’t wait for a response before you made your way out of the room, stalking towards the medical ward.

As you retired to your room for the night, you noted the morphine was not working as well as used to anymore. You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left. Maybe a couple of days. A couple more days of this. And then it would finally be over. You gave it a fair shot, this life thing. You couldn’t say you felt particularly sad at the thought of it ending. You pressed play on your vintage record player and let yourself sleep.

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day”

You spent the next 2 days in a haze, drugged out of your mind, waking up before eclipse and leaving to your dad’s grave and sleeping in the woods until the night, barely able to make it on your own two feet. Even in your human body, Neyn recognised you, and stood by you, which gave you some peace of mind. You made sure to bring her fruits from the lab, and she cooed warmly as she settled next to you.

When you made your way back that night, Norm was waiting.

“Where the hell have you been? Everyone’s been looking for you for 3 fucking days.”

You removed your oxygen mask and made your way to the room, where he followed you. You were in so much pain you couldn’t see straight.

“I am talking to you!” he took you by your arm and spun you around. The motion made you instantly sick, and you struggled to keep down the fruits you shared with your ikran.

“Let go of me, Norm.” you had no strength in your body anymore, so it took you awhile to shake him off.

“You look like shit. What did you do?”

You managed to make it to the bathroom, where you shut the door behind you and got in the shower. Fortunately, for you or him, you couldn’t tell, Norm was gone when you came out.

The next morning, you woke up desperately searching for pain relief and didn’t know if you were going to be able to make it to the ward before your knees would collapse on themselves. You were shaking and dizzy, out of your mind with agony and walking to the bathroom felt like the most intensive workout you have ever done. You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out. It was too much for you to bear, and before you could even think or rationalise, you felt your fingers curl into a fist and make contact with the cold glass of the mirror, shattering in dozens of pieces, and it made you weirdly happy to have a visual representation of how your soul felt. The instant pain of the all the wounds the smash caused also gave you a weird sense of euphoria, and you realised it was taking away from the pain in the rest of the body, which was only able to focus on one agonising sensation at a time. This felt like a kiss by comparison, and you knew then you could go on a little longer, you could continue with the rest of the day.

Norm came bursting through the door at the loud crash.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

You came out of your bathroom, blood dripping all over the floor as you made your way to the bed, sitting down on it.

“Leave, Norm.”

“What?”

“Leave.”

“What the hell has gotten into you recently. you are rude and brash, and you hurt people’s feelings with no remorse. This isn’t you.”

“What the hell do you know about me, Norm?” you say, laughing bitterly.

“Ace, stop.”

“You don’t know anything, Norm.” you kept going, the fury and hurt getting the best of you, once again, your need to destroy everything in your path as a way to cope with your own heartbreak winning by a landslide.

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13? I have been slowly depleting our sleeping pill and benzodiazepines inventory and replacing it with multivitamin pills I found in one of the drawers. I mean thank God none of you suffer from anxiety or panic disorder or need help sleeping cause I would have been busted so long ago.”

You laughed mockingly at his shocked face, jaw so close the floor now you could trip on it on your way out.

“Did you know I am about a week and a half away from dying after I accidentally smashed a vial of infected blood and got it in my mouth?”

You stand corrected, you think now his jaw was close enough to the floor to trip on it.

“Did you know I have upgraded from a pill addiction to a full blown opioid addiction in order to not collapse on the floor in excruciating pain because of the way this virus is eating at my insides? Yeah, yeah, that’s right. We’re almost out of a whole vial of morphine after I injected it in my veins every day for a while now.”

He had no words. “That’s about right.”

“I do know one thing you do know, though. You know that Neteyam had his mate announcement ceremony that day I took off. You were there to see the two love birds announce their love and pledge their commitment to each other the one day I was not there. And that’s why you were acting shifty. You know about that. And somehow you forgot to tell me, every day, for weeks. How does that work out, Norm, hmm?”

“I felt so bad for snapping at you a couple of days ago. I felt like a horrible fucking person for hurting your feelings. I should have been watching my back, instead.”

You got up from your bed and started walking towards the door.

“If I were you I would not linger in a room with poisoned blood dripping on the floor for too long.”

You found some paper towels at the side of your bed and wrapped them around your bleeding, pained hand, and with that, you left.

After you upped the morphine you usually took, you went to the lab and prepped a hood for some more experiments. Work was a good way to get your mind off things, to mindlessly do something that had a purpose other than driving you to the brink of insanity.

You heard a loud banging noise coming from the entrance, and you had a sneaking suspicion you knew who it was. You heard Norm open the door.

“Is she here?”

“Yeah, but Neteyam, I think you should go. She’s not in a good place, and I really don’t think doing this will end well for either of you.”

“I don’t care, I have to talk to her, I have been looking for her for 3 fucking days.”

You heard the door to the lab slide open and hissed at the man you knew would be trying to come in, realising hissing in a human body doesn’t have nearly the same effect.

“Get the fuck out, Neteyam. This is a sterile room.”

“I don’t fucking care about the room, Atan. Where the fuck have you been? Please come out so we can talk.”

You threw your head back and laughed, really laughed.

“You really are delusional if you think there is any way in heaven and hell I would want to hear anything you have got to say. The time for talking was a couple months ago, Neteyam. The time for talking was the first day I got my Avatar body, where in addendum to telling me you own my ass now, you could have also sprinkled in the fact your are now mated with someone else.”

“I am not mated with anyone, for fuck’s sake. Just come out so we can talk, please. I will explain everything, please!”

You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, for the first time since that day. He looked exhausted, anguished. Deep purple bags under his eyes, that were burning red where the whites should be. He has been crying. Good, you thought. He looked panicked and miserable and desperate for you to give him the time of day, for you to allow him to explain the unexplainable.

You sighed and your heart constricted in pain. Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you. At the same time, you were curious, morbidly curious as to what has actually happened, what led to this moment. You knew he loved you. You knew that much, but it didn’t seem to matter in this moment, as he broke your heart for what felt like the thousandth time in your short life.

“Go to the clearing, I’ll come when I’m ready.”

You half considered just leaving him there to wait, abandoning him just he did to you. You finished splitting your cells and treating them, and in about an hour, you went into the linkpod and took your Avatar for a walk in the woods. You reached the clearing shortly, as it was close enough that even child you could do it without getting too far away from the building.

You saw him standing there, his back turned to you and his legs submerged in the river that was rushing violently downstream. It was a cold day, and rain was trickling down your body like shivers from a kiss. There was tension in the air, and you knew a storm was coming. You could practically feel the charge in the atmosphere, and were expecting thunder to start any minute now, ready to mirror the agony in your soul.

“I’m here.”

He didn’t speak for a while. Just stood looking at the river, deep in thought.

“So many of our moments throughout the years happened here. Remember when I taught you to swim in the river? Now, in retrospective, that was a bad idea since the water kept taking you away, to the point I had to wait at the end so I could catch you in my arms, like you were a baby.”

You winced at the memory. You thought you could do this. You felt numb in that lab, numb on the way here, but as soon as your eyes focused on him, tears starting pooling in your eyes and pain overtook your body, that you tried to counteract by wrapping your arms tightly around yourself. He’s caused you so much hurt, so much grief in the years he’s known you. But he was also at the forefront of most of your happiest memories. You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

That is why this hurt so much, why your body was convulsing on itself in insurmountable grief. And also why you owed him this much. Owed him this conversation, and the right to explain his point of view, that you were still unfamiliar with.

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

“Fuck, Y/N, all I did before I left is hurt you.”

“What are you talking about?” You were confused at the turn this conversation took. What did he mean? You couldn’t recall a single time Neteyam hurt you before you left. Sure, you would fight and bicker sometimes, but it was a normal part of any relationship, you thought. And he always made it up to you, would always come to the lab and sit with you with flowers he collected or trinkets he found in the woods, always holding you and kissing your forehead to make sure you were over it before he had to leave. Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

“I almost fucking killed you. Or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how I manipulated you into getting on top of an ikran when you were just a 13 year old human and almost watched you die? Have you forgotten I took you to the woods and raced you to your dad’s remains? I was a walking magnet for disasters in your life and I was tired, so fucking tired of watching your life fall apart all around me. I had to watch you learn to walk again, limp because of my actions, for years. I had to pull you out of flashbacks and nightmares you developed because of ME. You were always fine in the woods with Lo’ak or Kiri, but everything bad that has happened to you happened around me.”

He was crying, panting and angry, at himself or you or the universe, you couldn’t tell.

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

You had no words to speak as you lay there, listening to him letting you in to a secret you have spent so many months agonising over. The reason for his departure haunted you for a year and a half, even when you refused to think about him, about it, it was there, constantly emerging from the depths of your subconsciousness, taunting you in your dreams. Why? Why? Why?

Because he wanted to protect you?

You didn’t have time to process all of this new information, before he continued.

“The night you found your dad, I was shaken to my core, in a way I have never truly been before. I was so heartbroken, for you and for myself, for knowing this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I went home and mother found me, and told me that maybe I can’t help you in the way I’ve always wanted. That maybe it’s better for you that I remove myself for a while and leave you room to breathe and heal. So I did. It took me a long time to get the strength to do it. Every time I thought today is the day, I would see you and you would smile at me, and we would sit on your bed and you would read to me or play me songs or just be there, just you and me, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You were everything to me, my light in all the darkness.

A year later, you sang me the song and you were smiling at me singing it, and I knew you were confessing feelings we have both felt for years and couldn’t say out loud. And I knew that if I stayed, whatever we had would escalate past the point of no return. If I stayed, that would be it. And that’s when I decided. I thought I was doing us both a favour. I knew it would hurt you, just as much as it hurt me, but I thought the pain would subside in time.”

You were crying now, you realised, tears falling silently and effortlessly down your face, with no intention to ever stop, instantly washed away by the pouring rain. There were no sounds, no sobs or wails, or panted breaths, just the sounds of rain and hopeless, soft cries and muffled sniffles, for the man in front of you, for all that you have lost, for the past you shared and the future that you would never have.

He got up from where he stood and turned around to face you. He walked towards you until he was so close to you could feel his breath on your face. His stare made goosebumps appear on your entire body, so earnest and desperate, so full of intensity for the words he was trying to convey to you.

“It didn’t.” He said, at the same time you thought the same words in your mind.

“A few years ago, mother and father told me I would one day have to find a mate. They knew and I knew it was expected of me, but I always put it off, so they eventually dropped it. I learnt later they both knew about us, so they didn’t push me into anything until they felt I was ready. A few months after they realised I decided to leave, they started bringing it up again. I didn’t want to hear it, but they said it was time, as I had refused for years longer than what was acceptable in the clan. I met with so many girls, all from good families, all healers in training, all wrong. Beautiful girls, smart girls, skilled healers and singers, and it was like looking at the grey walls of your lab. I felt nothing, I felt sick just thinking about it, like just the thought would be betraying the memory of our bond. Eventually, I told them they can decide. Grandma can decide whatever she thinks is best, and, as Tsahik, I would listen to her voice and wisdom, and do my duty to the clan. She chose Tiongli. I knew her growing up, and we were friendly, so I tried to make an effort. I would go to her tent, and she would show me her training sometimes, I would let her heal my wounds and imagined it was your hands touching me instead. I visited her family and paid my respects, and had dinner with them whenever they invited me. I hoped in time, I could learn to care for her, to lessen the distaste in my mouth whenever my family or the clan talked about the future, about the ceremony, about the life I was supposed to lead that I hated even the thought of.

And then, one day, my dad sent me to get Lo’ak from the lab. I was so scared of knowing I would have to see you again. It had been so long, and so many feelings gnawed at me on the walk there, terror and anxiety, guilt and longing. But then I saw you, and there was only one feeling: love. Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

He slowly took your face in his hands, and his thumb was caressing your cheek trying to wipe the tears and raindrops that were falling mercilessly. You saw his face slowly getting closer to yours, and you knew you should pull away, you should remove yourself from his grasp before the kiss was going to remove the last ounce of happiness from you. You knew what you had to do, knew that no matter what information or answers or justifications he would give you today, they wouldn’t matter. You should pull away, because there is no future, no hope. But you couldn’t. You didn’t know what waited for you in the afterlife, but if there was any chance you would have your memories, you wanted this kiss to haunt you forever, to remind you of the life you left behind.

His lips touched yours so gently, it felt like a whisper. Like a hug, tender and warm, it was so different than your first kiss. Tears were still running down your face as your lips moved, entangled with his and begging for more. Your hands went to his chest, to his neck, to his back, just touching him, trying to memorise his body, this feeling. You wanted so much more, you wanted to be his, you wanted to feel him, you wanted him to own you, like he did your heart, which has been his your entire life and will still be his after your death.

You were a mess of wet tangled limbs and panted breaths by the end, and eventually, he broke the kiss to look at you through teary eyes.

“I love you, I will always love you. I am so sorry.”

“I love you, too.”

“But this doesn’t change anything, Neteyam.”

“Thank you, for finally telling me why you left. For giving me some closure for something that has plagued me for so long, it became a constant part of my nightmares. Thank you for having my best interest at heart; it couldn’t have been easy to leave, if you didn’t want to, it took a strong heart to do something that hurt you for what you thought was the lesser evil. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes. The ikran ride is still a beautiful memory to me. You made it a beautiful memory. If it weren’t for your quick thinking, we probably would have both died at the hands of Toruk. You saved my life, Neteyam. You carried me home and stayed with me while I was having surgery, you stayed with me after, while I recovered. You pulled me out of the worst panic attack I have ever had when I found my dad, and you rode out so many of my flashbacks, I have lost count. You weren’t the cause or the common denominator of these events, I was. I am the one plagued by misfortune and hurt and death. Not you. And if you tell me you had to leave to save your own peace of mind, I would respect that. I don’t know anyone in this world who can take this, take me and all the shit that follows me everywhere I go. I don’t blame you.

But if you tell me that you did this for me, that I can’t accept. I didn’t ask for any of this. You gave me no choice, and no say in this relationship, in our shared life. You just left. I deserved better than that. And I deserved better than to find out about a mate after months of lies and manipulation and deceit. I don’t care. I don’t care if you are going to say that you didn’t want it, or you were going to undo it, or that you’ve always loved me and never her. I don’t care. You lied to me, you manipulated me. You accused me of fucking your brother as you were promised to another woman that you hid from me for months. I do blame you for that, and I will never be able to forgive you.”

“Please, Atan…I will tell her no. I will tell her -.” he was sobbing now, his hands still on your face, pleading.

“No.” you slowly took his hands in yours and removed them from your face.

“I think you should do it, Neteyam. She is a good girl, she will make a good Tsahik, and a good mate. Your mother was right, there is no future here - there never was. I love you, so much. But I think you have broken my heart one too many times. I am done.”

You turned your back and walked away from him and the life that was lost - forever.

You were completely soaked when you arrived in the lab, and you went straight to the Avatar laying room and cried. Cried until it felt like no more tears could possibly come out of you. You cried yourself to sleep and then cried in the pod, on the way to your bedroom, and in bed until your human body eventually collapsed from exhaustion. You cried in your dreams, in which Neteyam was kissing you and touching you, doing all the things you were silently begging him to in your mind just a few hours ago.

Eventually, nightfall came, and you had to get up to do the rest of your experiments and top up your analgesic. Ironically enough, you were making real progress on your work. You found a combination therapy that was showing incredible potential in slowing the virus down. It wasn’t enough to stop and eradicate it, but it was enough to give people more time and hopefully give the scientists more time to find a cure. It wouldn’t help you, but maybe you could still help others.

At some paint through the night, as you were making up some reagents, Norm bursts through the door holding a bunch of equipment and some pills, you realise. He puts them down on the bench behind you and speaks.

“Right, stop whatever you are doing, right now.”

“I am in the middle of something.”

“I don’t fucking care. Stop, now.”

You were taken aback at his words and attitude. Norm never got mad, or lost his composure. He was so most well balanced person you knew.

You put the pipette gun down and turned around to face him.

“I still need to adjust the pH on this.”

He ignored you while he prepared the myriad of little gadgets he brought with him. He motioned for you to take off your lab coat, and you rolled your eyes in annoyance, but did as you were told regardless. You were too tired to argue anymore.

He raised the sleeves of your top until they couldn’t go any further up your arm and put a blood pressure monitor on you. You felt tension as its sleeve tightened around you painfully, but eventually it gave out with a puff, and you heard beeping as the machine finished its reading. You looked to your right where the monitor lay, and saw red lights flashing, letting Norm know your blood pressure and pulse were dangerously low. His eyes widened slightly at the sight, but he held his composure, removing the gadget from around your arm and putting it away. He then read your oxygen levels, which you saw were constantly dabbling between 89 and 90%. Not good, you thought. No wonder you could barely breathe anymore. Norm cursed silently under his breath, trying to not let you see him, but if there was one thing you were good at, it’s reading people. Well, you thought you were, at least.

“Did you do any tests on your blood? How is your complete blood count looking?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Why the fuck not, Ace? It’s not like you don’t know how to do it.”

He was angry, really angry. You’ve never seen Norm this angry, you’ve never seen Norm acting this way towards you.

You just shrugged. With a huff of annoyance, he took your arm and prepared a needle and syringe to collect some blood. He gulped and you could see tears forming in his eyes when he looked at the violet bruises and needle holes that were plastered along the length of your brachial vein.

“Just didn’t get around to it.”

“You didn’t - Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“What medicine have you been taking? Did you take the Relenta, or the combination therapy we have been working on?”

“Neither.”

You swear you saw Norm’s entire body enter a catatonic state and he turned so red you were worried he was going to release steam out of his ears.

“You have been sick for a month and did not take anything, none of the treatments we have been working on?”

You couldn’t look him in the eye anymore, finding comfort in the pattern of the tiles on the floor.

“I can’t believe you. I didn’t peg you for someone who would just throw their life away meaninglessly. Your mum had to die because we didn’t have a way to treat her illness, and here we are, with a solution that YOU came up with for your own illness, and you will just not even try?”

You were quiet, not really having a way to rebut his questions.

“Fine. We will start you on the combination treatment tonight and take it from there. There’s other things we haven’t tried yet and I’m sure -“

“NO.”

“I’m not asking you. I’m not letting you fucking die.”

“Why must you always fucking try to fix everything, Norm? Some things can’t be fixed. I don’t want the fucking pills. I am done. I want this to be done.”

“So you’ll just die? Is that what you’re saying? You want to die, and not even fucking TRY to see if there is more to this life. Goddamn it, Y/N. I thought having the Avatar would help you realise life is worth living, there’s beauty in this world beyond the walls of this lab. You got your first kill, you did the Iknimaya, you’re going to become one of the people. Don’t you want to see what your future holds? Don’t you want to live to see yourself grow up? Fall in love, start a family. There are more guys in this world than just Neteyam.”

You gave Norm a dirty look and got out of the lab.

Neteyam felt his whole body reel after your conversation. It didn’t change anything, he thought bitterly. He thought explaining it to you, allowing to see that he had good reasons for his actions would allow you to forgive him, to at least allow him the opportunity to make it up to you through time. You left, just like he had so long ago, but there was a finality to you that he didn’t feel then. Back then, he always had hope that a miracle would still be possible, one in which you got an Avatar, healed and loved him, forever. He wanted to love you forever, but his apology and explanations were not enough.

He lost you, again.

He spent the night flying on his Ikran, just flying and letting the rain soak his thoughts and hurt away. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted the rain to melt his bones until there was nothing left of him but the memory of happier times.

In the early hours of the morning, he made it back to the village, trying to hide his cried out eyes and calamitous grief. He was dreading having to talk to his parents, to explain to them what happened, to have to go through with Tiongli and this future he didn’t want and will have to suffer through for the rest of his life. He didn’t have time to worry about it too much though, because, as he managed to get to the tent’s entrance, he heard Norm’s voice and his dad’s, intertwined with his grandma’s voice rising above them.

“It won’t work. Eywa will not allow her to come back.”

“Why not? She has taken her Iknimaya, she has completed her kills, she has spent her entire life in the village’s service, trying to help the best way she knew how. If she doesn’t deserve this, who does?”

“It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it. It’s that she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want this, Norm. The Great Mother will not transfer the conscience of someone with no future.”

“But maybe if this happened, she will realise that she wants to live. Once she’s rid herself of her weak body, of this disease, maybe she will -“

“The Great Mother’s word is final. She will die, because she wants to die.”

Mo’at’s voice rang in his ears so hard he thought his eardrums would pop.

She doesn’t want it.

She will die.

What were they talking about? Who would die?

No… it couldn’t be. No, the Great Mother wouldn’t be so cruel.

He didn’t wait to hear the rest of the conversation, running as fast as his feet could carry him back to the lab. He reached soon enough, he was faster than most other people in the village, and started knocking on the door of the lab with all his might.

“Y/N, OPEN UP, I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!”

Eventually, Max came to the door, through which Neteyam burst without consideration for the tiny human next to him.

“She’s not in, Neteyam. She left before any of us had a chance to say anything.”

“Was she in her Avatar body?”

“No, the body is in the den where they sleep.”

He didn’t bother thanking the man, as he turned on his heel and started running again. She was there, had to be.

It was still raining, the clouds relentless as they released drops that poured gently down his face and body, and Neteyam thought the Great mother was crying, mourning the love being washed away like a pebble in the river of the clearing, just like he was.

You were there, of course you were. A current shocked Neteyam at the sight of you. This was the first time he has seen your human body in months, and he found it hard to reconcile the image of you he has known all his life with this current one. You were incredibly thin, so thin, whereas a few months ago he could trace your muscles, he could now trace your bones. You were pale, almost ashen, and the hair that he once spent so long admiring was now brittle and dull, obvious even as it was, wet and clinging to your back. You looked lifeless. He felt a lump form in his throat and tears pool in his eyes that were still not dry from all the pain this day has brought.

You didn’t notice him yet, your human ears much less sensitive than your Avatar, so you were just sitting on the riverbank with your chin resting on your knees, which were brought to your chest and your arms wrapped tightly around them. You were looking at the water, and it was like you weren’t actually there. You were in your own world, far from here, from this hurt.

“I was going to ask if it was true, what I heard Norm talk about in the tent today, but I think you’ve answered my question.”

Neteyam saw you flinch, and it felt like even that brought your weak frame pain. You were trembling when you looked at him, and your face made his own drop in shock. Your beautiful features, the blush in your cheeks, the glimmer in your eye, the pink of your lips, your animated expressions or raised eyebrows, were all gone. Your eyes looked glossed over and numb, your face looked ghostly and sunken, and Neteyam swore he could trace every blood vessel on your forehead and neck. The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

“I didn’t think I could make myself any clearer, Neteyam.”

“tell me it isn’t true. Tell me he’s lying; he’s making it up.”

“What part?”

“All of it.” Neteyam was angry now, trying to contain the temper rising in his chest.

“Tell me you’re not dying.”

“Norm has a big fucking mouth.”

“Can you for once in your fucking life just answer a question? This is fucking serious!”

You winced at his words, then struggled to get up, but did eventually and fully face him. The state of you hit him like bullets, piercing and scraping at his every organ, leaving bleeding wounds behind.

“It’s true”.

Crack, crack, crack.

“When?”

“The night you gave me the guitar. I was so busy being in love with you I forgot to put the proper protection on, and I smashed a bottle of infected blood. It got in my mouth, in my nose.”

“I thought you were working on a cure.”

“Haven’t found it yet.”

“But you said you have something that kind of works, something to give people more time.”

“I’m human, it doesn’t work that way for us.”

“So, you’ve tried.”

You weren’t looking at him anymore, just staring at the ground in front of you, somewhere next to Neteyam’s feet.

“Tell me you have fucking tried.”

It thundered aggressively as Neteyam said that, and he saw you once again tremble at the loud sound. You have never been a jumpy person. You were the bravest person he knew. You were the strongest person he knew. It was unspeakable having to watch you now, sitting meekly in front of him, when just a few days ago you took the Iknimaya, taking the climb to the toughest tests known to the Omatikaya, doing it like it was nothing, just another day for you. To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

“TELL ME YOU HAVE TRIED.”

“NO, OKAY?? NO, I HAVEN’T FUCKING TRIED.” You were sobbing now, your tears washed away by the rain and wind as soon as they fell down your cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because I am tired. I want this to end.”

“I thought you were happy. I thought you were better. You seemed better in the Avatar.”

“I was better… in the Avatar. Because that wasn’t my life. That was just a beautiful dream, while my life was the never-ending nightmare. It was easy to pretend in that body. It was easy to be the version of myself everybody wanted me to be. But I have to live with the real me every night. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” The more you cried, the more Neteyam’s blood boiled in his veins.

“That’s such fucking bullshit.”

“You know what I think?”

“I think dying is fucking easy. It’s your easy way out.”

You looked up at his much larger frame incredulously, and he saw how your mood was starting to mirror his own.

“What did you just say? You think this is fucking easy for me?”

“Yes, I think it is. I think all you’ve done since your mum has died is take the easy way out. Put everything and everyone in your little bottom desk drawer, keeping everyone at a distance. Do you know how much mother and father suffered every time you refused to come out, to come to the village? My mother cried herself to sleep at the thought of you alone in that lab, at the thought that you preferred that soulless, empty place to her, to us. Did you know that?

You have not once opened that drawer, not once dealt with anything. All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out.

You have made me feel like the worst person in the world, for leaving, for lying to you. But what the fuck have you done, huh? You lied to me about dying, for weeks! About dying! What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!

I left you for a year because I wanted to protect you, you are leaving permanently because you refuse to fucking deal with the pain and hurt I know you feel deep down inside. You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.

You are a coward.”

Neteyam turned on his heel and walked away, before he got a chance to see you collapse on the ground, giving your last few breaths in the place he used to imagine both of your children laying in his arms peacefully while you sang them to sleep.

Tag list (I hope I didn't miss anyone, thank you so much for asking to be tagged <3): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties

#neteyam #neteyam x human!reader #neteyam x reader #neteyam fanfic #neteyam reader #neteyam sully #avatar #avatar twow #avatar fanfic #neteyam x avatar!reader #neteyam sully fanfiction #neteyam angst #awow #awow neteyam #loak reader #avatar loak

658 notes · View notes

arctichotch · 2 years

Text

fic o' wrapped '21

feel free to send requests for a character/s that i write for and match it to a song from my wrapped from 2021. others will just be chosen by me. also don't judge my wrapped i have a certain taste in music

thanks besties (also some don't really fit as a couple kinda song, so ill cross that bridge when i come to it i guess)

spotify wrapped 2021 for these characters

shy away - twenty one pilots

never take it - twenty one pilots

bounce man - twenty one pilots

mulberry street - twenty one pilots

redecorate - twenty one pilots

gold rush - taylor swift

are you bored yet? - wallows ft. clairo

one for the road - arctic monkeys

the outside - twenty one pilots

champagne problems - taylor swift

follow you - imagine dragons

knee socks - arctic monkeys

no chances - twenty one pilots

right where you left me - taylor swift

the adults are talking - the strokes

arabella - twenty one pilots

saturday - twenty one pilots

no body, no crime - slaylor swift

let's dance to joy division - the wombats

i wanna be yours - arctic monkeys

good day - twenty one pilots

exile - taylor swift ft. bon iver

drivers license - olivia rodrigo

r u mine? - arctic monkeys (yes alex turner i am yours)

choker - twenty one pilots

august - taylor swift

kiss me more - doja cat ft. sza

why'd you only call me when you're high? - arctic monkeys

formidable - twenty one pilots

evermore - taylor swift ft. bon iver

afterglow - ed sheeran

no. 1 party anthem - arctic monkeys

jealousy, jealousy - olivia rodrigo

maniac - conan gray

we fell in love in october - girl in red

snap out of it - arctic monkeys

deja vu - olivia rodrigo

coney island - taylor swift ft. the national

she moves in her own way - the kooks

leave before the lights come on - arctic monkeys

call it fate, call it karma - the strokes

long story short - taylor swift

pierre - ryn weaver

do i wanna know? - arctic monkeys

really wanna dance with you - new rules

cruel summer - taylor swift

i wanna be your slave - maneskin

bigger boys and stolen sweethearts - arctic monkeys

till forever falls apart - ashe, finneas

tolerate it - taylor swift

heavenly - cigarettes after sex

i want it all - arctic monkeys

wrecked - imagine dragons

therefore i am - billie eilish

mirrorball - taylor swift

mad sounds - arctic monkeys

level of concern - twenty one pilots

high life - fuller

cowboy like me - taylor swift

from the ritz to the rubble - arctic monkeys

brutal - olivia rodrigo

les champs-elysees - joe dassin (what the fuck)

happier than ever - billie eilish

fluorescent adolescent - twenty one pilots

what you know - two door cinema club

small talk - kid quill

parents - yungblud

do me a favour - arctic monkeys

ride - twenty one pilots

the love club - lorde

mood - 24kgoldn ft. iann dior

no buses - arctic monkeys

it's time to go - taylor swift

my house - declan mckenna

bad idea! - girl in red

piledriver waltz - arctic monkeys

this is me trying - taylor swift

she - harry styles

k. - cigarettes after sex

suck it and see - arctic monkeys

the last great american dynasty - taylor swift

drugs - tai verdes (ive barely ever drank alcohol </3)

nothings gonna hurt you baby - cigarettes after sex

baby i'm yours - arctic monkeys

the 1 - taylor swift

good 4 u - olivia rodrigo

save your tears - the weeknd

fireside - arctic monkeys

betty - taylor swift

it's not living (if its not with you) - the 1975

not today - twenty one pilots

happy pills - weathers (live, laugh, lexapro am i right?)

marjorie - taylor swift

golden - harry styles

generation why - conan gray

falling in love - cigarettes after sex

hoax - taylor swift

clouds - nf

renegade - big red machine ft. taylor swift

cold cold cold - cage the elephant

33 notes · View notes

hotchley · 3 years

Note

You're the best Sumayyah and if anyone ever tells you differently they can come catch my hands (🔪🔪). I think these might be fun to do ☘️ & 🌱 (mostly bc I think you'll give me a sad song and now I'm just v curious)

Awww thank you so much!! I'd like to see that. I think you would be a very good fighter. Also, if anyone dares insult you, they can fight me, in all my five foot glory <3

☘️and i will give you a song that reminds me of your blog

I was thinking about this when I was washing my hair and guess what? Couldn't choose one. I narrowed it down to two, and then just went: no... I really cannot choose... so now you get both!

mirrorball- Taylor Swift

I have no idea why. I think because it's my favourite song off folklore and you're one of my favourite blogs because you were one of the first people I followed, but regardless.

Also, it reminds me of Emily, and you remind me of Emily. And I just checked- your first CM fic is from 2018, and you're still here, making us all hurt and smile and bringing our requests to life for us <3

And the Hotch Whump community is a bit of a niche community, so the "shining just for you" makes so much more sense... this got so long OKAY!

King- Lauren Aquilina

A Hotch song, and you're also a lot like Hotch, so...

And a lot (okay, maybe not a lot, but definitely some) show how Hotch can begin to heal, and how nothing is ever going to be perfect, but he’ll be okay, which is also a lot like the song.

And it sometimes makes me cry. Which your blog also does, but not in a bad way!

🌱and i will tell you about my favourite fic of yours (or headcanon, depending)

Oh boy... everyone get ready it’s Hannah Is An Amazing Writer That I Will Never Shut Up About Time

I can’t choose between the four I’m choosing (all of which are more than obvious) so now you have to deal with me singing your praises for a ridiculous amount of time :)

In A Moment because I am nothing if not sentimental, and I loved that fic. It was the first one of yours that I read, and I think it was my first foray into Hotch Whump. The way you wrote everyone, and the pain, and their youth, and the thought that went into the AU...

Also, Emily calling Hotch Ronny. But then the last line...

He’s Not Taking His Medicine because it’s weirdly comforting to me? Like, Hotch is so undeniably and perfectly human in that, and Emily is doing her best and so is Hotch but it’s so hard...

And the way she was so calm, and the only person that thinks he’s messed up beyond repair is him- which is such a canon Hotch thing to happen as well- just hurts so much.

But when she helps him to take it all, and then the line where he’s like:he’ll just keep telling himself that. UGH IT’S JUST SO PERFECT!

Minimal Loss AU because when I suggested it, I hardly knew you, but I thought you were really cool and really smart and really good at writing so I wanted you to do it and oh my god.

I was expecting pain, yet somehow, you managed to exceed my expectations and just... absolutely destroy me. I thought it was just going to be the usual self-sabotage and survivors guilt but NOOO!! He failed his gun qualification!! There wasn’t a body!!

And then Morgan trying to be helpful, but then nothing would ever be same, and they wouldn’t be okay... yeah. That was good. So much pain, but so good!!

The Worst of It because you always write the scenes that we were robbed of in canon, in a way that’s better than anything the writers could’ve thrown together (especially because it was Hotch in season 7...)

They way they wouldn’t even look at Hotch, and it’s impossible to be truly angry at them, but then you feel so bad for him because it took a toll on him too, and he didn’t ever get to see Emily, not like JJ did...

And then when he can’t even tell Emily what he did without taking a moment to collect himself... that probably broke me. When Jack started hitting Hotch, and he just took it, and Emily had to drag him away... that was just the final straw.

AND THAT LAST LINE!! It was so unfairly true :(

So yeah :)

i’m hosting a first anniversary sleepover!

There’s a surprise below the cut <3

🪴and i’ll write you a little love letter

I know you didn’t ask, but I needed to say it. So...

[IMAGE ID: Hannah, You didn’t ask for this, but I love you too much to not write about it. Thank you for being here. I’m pretty sure you were the first person I followed (or one of) and I’ve never regretted it. Your fics are amazing and so inspiring- like, seriously, bitter relief and so many of my things would not have been written without you. Thank you for the memes and for always entertaining my random scenarios. I love you -Sumayyah]

#ylh's first anniversary #hotchniss #because of the fics i chose #hannah <3

10 notes · View notes

captain-emmajones · 4 years

Text

Love, Emma (1/7)

(Art by the wonderful @carpedzem <3)

Loosely based on Love, Rosie (2014).

Killian and Emma are best friends and neighbors. They've always been -- until he leaves for the Navy when his brother dies. When he comes back, nine months later, summer has begun and childhood is ending. Emma can tell something is changed in him, but she doesn't know what. Until she does. He's fallen in love with someone else.

And then, suddenly, they're kissing on her nineteenth birthday. When she asks him to forget their night out, and never talk about it again, Killian thinks she means to tell him she regrets the kiss they exchanged. Except she has no memory of it.

Killian and Emma will dance around each other, until their heads spin and their legs hurt, and everything becomes blurry and it has to stop – for both of their sake.

Title and lyrics are from Taylor Swift’s Mirrorball -- which clearly inspired the mood of this chapter. Had it on loop while writing, so if you feel like it, do try to listen to it while reading!

A huge thank you to @profdanglaisstuff who beta’d this and gave me her precious thoughts <3

Friends to Lovers - Mutual Pining - Angst - Fluff - 6000 words - ao3

Part 2 - AUGUST , Part 3 - HOAX, Part 4 - PEACE, Part 5 - THIS IS ME TRYING, Part 6 - CARDIGAN , Part 7 - INVISIBLE STRING

PART 1 - MIRRORBALL.

Emma clutches Ingrid’s yellow irises against her chest – almost too strongly, she might be bruising the inside of her fingers.

As she stares at the Arrival Board in front of her, she couldn’t care less for her own skin. The beat of her heart is drumming in her ears, and she is pretty certain oxygen is having a very hard time reaching her lungs.

Her right eyelid twitches. She wasn’t able to get any sleep last night, inhabited by a very childlike enthusiasm at the thought of seeing her friend again.

A breath of relief escapes Emma’s throat as the light next to Portsmouth changes color.

“He has landed,” she whispers to herself, flowers still pressed to her chest.

She is too engulfed in her surroundings to notice she’s damaging the flowers. Ingrid is definitely going to kill her for butchering her favorite bush. She doesn’t care.

He should be here any time now. Her heart skips another beat and really, it’ll be a miracle if she is still standing on her feet by the time he reaches her.

Gazing all around her, she suddenly notices the large window in front of her that gives away a blurry reflection of her body. Emma frowns. One hand reluctantly gives up on the flowers to comb her hair.

You’re combing your hair for Killian, of all people, snorts her inner voice. But Emma is too happy to pay attention to her pride.

He’s been gone for nine months now, since last September. Has been going all around the world with the Navy, and she is proud of him. He did the right thing. (Even it meant leaving her behind.)

Emma has never known what it feels like to miss someone before she missed him. Being brought up as a foster kid, she hasn’t had anyone to miss for the longest time.

She’s bouncing up and down on her feet by now, anxiety shaking her legs.

Ingrid welcomed her in Storybrooke on her twelfth birthday. It was the best thing that ever happened to her. It allowed her to meet the brothers Jones – their orphan neighbors. Liam became Killian’s legal guardian when their father died.

The crowd of people around her brings Emma back to the present. More people gather together, and Emma understands they are all just as eager to see their loved ones as she is.

She cannot wait anymore. Her palm hurt around the cut flowers. Another few minutes go by, and time is painfully slow. She clenches her jaw. Unclenches it. Takes a look at the clock in front of her. Come on, relax, Emma.

And then, there he is.

“Killian!” The excited scream escapes her throat without her consent, a brutal wave of bliss sweeping her off her feet. She doesn’t hold it back.

He hasn’t changed one bit, or he isn’t the same at all. She doesn’t care. She only cares for the sweet hue of blue that meets her eyes and smiles in recognition.

“Emma!” He mirrors her happy scream.

Her heart beams as they run towards each other, and she throws herself intohis arms as soon as she reaches him. (By then, the flowers are to be respectfully buried and missed.)

She wraps her arms around his neck, and her senses are filled by him – his smell, a strong cologne she isn’t familiar with, his skin under her fingers, his tousled black hair that is suddenly very kept, the beginning of a scruff against her cheeks, the strength of his arms around her chest, and when did he get this tall?

“I missed you,” she exhales against his cheek, and holds him tighter. She is very unwilling to let him go now that she has him.

She hears a chuckle against her ear, and it is the most wonderful sound she has heard in those last pitiful nine months.

“I missed you, too, Swan.”

A tear rolls down her cheek at the nickname – it’s been so long and her world has been so bleak without him and she’s never known this kind of homesickness – and she realizes just how wet her eyes have become. She’s never cried from happiness before, but tears are rushing down her cheeks without her consent.

His grip becomes tighter around her waist, and then he slowly lets go. She does not expect him to let go first. She profoundly inhales to chase down a feeling of fear deep within her throat and backs away, her hands still around his neck.

Staring at him after all this time seems to stir something really odd within herself and her breath gets caught in her chest. She didn’t remember him this handsome. Did his nose always look this elegant, and have his lips always been this bright pink, and why are his eyes the color of the sea?

And then she remembers the flowers crushed between her clumsy hands.

One finger tracing the scar on his cheek, she shoves the bouquet against his chest. “That’s for you,” she smiles and her fingers cannot seem to let go of his face.

“Swan,” his eyes are so kind over her gift, she can tell he is really happy about them, although their lives were cut short in their prime, “thank you so much. They are my fav—”

“—favorite, I know! That’s why I got them for you.” And she smiles, harder, her cheeks hurt but she cannot bring herself to stop.

She ignores as well as she can the alarm ringing in her head. Why is he not touching her? What’s wrong? Did she get ugly while he was away? He was always touching her, before.

“Aye,” he grins, and then relief – his palm is over her cheeks and something incredibly tender and innocent blooms in her chest. She sighs, leans in his touch. She’s missed him so much. “Shall we go, Swan?”

She picks up the bag he let go of to hold her while he very gracefully carries the flowers. Surely he wouldn’t have damaged them. Killian is very careful not to damage anything ever.

“Sure thing. Welcome home, Killian,” and before her arm finds his, she’s bold enough to press her lips against his scruffy cheek.

She lingers there longer than intended, longer than what is reasonable and appropriate.

The glint she catches in his eyes when she backs away triggers something painful in her. She swallows it down. (Why did he look embarrassed? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. They are friends.)

But then, they are walking down the airport like old times, and surely she must be thinking too much – as per usual.

She is so glad to have him back, she ignores very meticulously all of the signs telling her Killian might not be as happy to be back. (To be with her.)

She’s holding a watering can while he delicately drops flowers – pink roses – on Liam’s tombstone. She watches him frown, fingers caressing the marble with care and something else – anger.

She swallows. This wound is still very fresh. It’s been a year.

She pours some water on the plant she brought last month – a gorgeous, bright pink bush of flowers, and she quickly puts it down on the grass to hold his hand.

His eyes flash in surprise and she offers him a smile – why is he surprised? Emma never liked to be touched before, before he touched her. She chases down the feeling once again and holds his fingers tighter in her hands. I am not letting you go.

The sun is shining. It’s such a bright summer day. The air is not too warm, just warm enough to feel comfortable wearing a t-shirt, and a gentle breeze that carries summer smells brushes their cheeks.

It was also a wonderful summer day – the day Liam died. Her brows furrow. Last summer had been the best weather they had had in Maine for years.

“He would be proud of you,” she whispers, desperate to make him feel better.

She is aware there is not much she can do to help him fight this darkness that swallowed him alive. She is still willing to try.

“Would he?” He echoes back, and she does not recognize the bitterness she hears in his voice.

For the first time since she has known Killian Jones, Emma feels like she’s missing something. A piece of the puzzle to understand him. She feels like perhaps she does not know him as well as she thinks.

She would have taken a step back with anyone else. But with him, she playfully bumps her shoulder against his, fighting back her inner instincts. He got tall, and bulkier – only in a good way.

“Of course. You joined the Navy to make him proud, didn’t you?”

For the first time in ages, she really is asking him a question.

He’s been back for a month now, and his scruff is prominent over his face. She likes it. He looks manly. She thinks he knows he looks manlier.

She still looks like a teenage girl, with her long blonde hair and her freckles and her frail body, and she still wears sneakers with her dresses (when she wears them). And he looks so much older.

“Aye, I guess so. Thank you, Swan,” he smiles at her, his hand brushing her cheek, but somehow he is miles away.

She presses her lips against each other, firmly. There are pebbles in her belly. He put them there.

“Anytime, Killian,” she smiles, and in a desperate attempt to bring him back to her, she presses another kiss to his cheek.

He steps away quicker than she expects him. A cold breath reaches her lips in spite of the agreeable weather.

Another smile. She’s suffocating.

“Okay, so then after dinner we could finally go to a club!” She’s standing in the middle of her room, arms swung up towards the ceiling of her childhood bedroom.

Killian is chewing on a strawberry bubblegum, lying on her bed. He hasn’t let go of his phone all afternoon.

“As you wish, Swan. It’s your birthday, after all.”

Can’t he look a bit more involved? A very childish anger burns her tongue as her hands find her hips in disapproval.

“Exactly! Which is why I’m going to ask you to look a little bit more enthusiastic, Killian Jones.”

She doesn’t mean to sound this harsh but she does anyway. At least, that gets him to look up from his phone, and she sees a glint of regret pass in his eyes. A smile finally cracks his face.

“You’re right, Swan. Forgive me. I’m just a bit concerned by something but don’t worry, I’m all ears now.”

She hates herself for how quickly she kneels in front of him, on her pink carpeted floor that she hates but Ingrid tried her best to make her feel at home.

Even more for the way she grabs his hands, pouring her soul into his eyes.

“I can tell you’re not really here, Killian.” She pauses, watches as he raises one eyebrow – it isn’t what she expected but it isn’t mean either, “And I want you to know there’s nothing you cannot tell me.”

She’s so naïve. She means every word.

He nods. Her eyes look down at his lips. She wants to kiss him. But she cannot – not when he’s still miles away from her, still stuck in Portsmouth.

“I know that, love,” something blooms in her chest. He hasn’t called her love in a year now, “Don’t worry, I’m quite alright.”

He lies. It’s the first time he’s lied to her about something important since she’s known him.

Fear captures her heart. It’s green, and viscous, and it drips on everything she holds dear.

He’s slipping between her fingers. She’s losing him. She cannot lose him.

She’s the one lying on his bed while he takes a shower when she sees her message. She doesn’t mean to, really. But his phone vibrates on his bedside table, and she only glances at it out of curiosity.

She sees it. M. Who is M?

She rolls on her belly, glances at the closed door of his bathroom, and reads the message, heart drumming in her ears.

“I know, baby. Rumple is driving me crazy too. But it will all be worth it, soon. I promise. Just hold on to our love.”

Something rings in her ears, it’s painful, it spreads from her liver and all the way up to her mouth, and she cannot see anymore, and her birthday is tomorrow and he is in love with someone else.

It takes her a lot of strength then, to roll back on her back, to try and make herself comfortable again between his pillows and his smell – in spite of the rigidity in her bones and this feeling of utter disgust in her mouth. She holds on to the silver bracelet around her wrist - the one Killian offered Emma for her eighteenth birthday, last year.

So many questions bounce in her mind, but one fact absolutely obliterates her. He doesn’t want to confide in her anymore. He is clearly struggling with this Rumple, and this M, and he doesn’t want her help.

The bathroom door swings open and steam invades his bedroom as he steps out, wet hair and big grin. She knows the grin will remain but will become a mere theatrical performance once he reads the message. She doesn’t want him to read it. She wants to keep him to herself.

“Ready for that ice-cream, Swan?” he attacks right away, all charms out. When did he get this charming? When did he become aware of his charms?

“Always ready for some rocky road,” she answers back, and she’s surprised to hear her own voice calm and collected.

Perhaps she is growing up, too. She used to be a terrible liar. But that’s what they do, now, apparently.

His smell fills her lungs, and it’s the one of her childhood – peppermint, and something muskier, and him.

“Emma, you won’t forget to take care of the garden –” exclaims Ingrid as they’re about to leave her ice-cream shop.

She squints her eyes. Fuck. Exactly what she wanted to avoid.

“Sure thing, Ingrid,” she mumbles, before taking Killian’s arm in her hers and guiding them both out of her shop.

Emma swallows a scream of injustice. That’s her punishment for stealing the flowers for Killian.

“Flowers are not meant to be picked. They’re meant to be cared for, admired, but not picked, Emma.”

Emma didn’t tell her what’s the use of having flowers if you cannot offer them to someone you love but she did stare at her with a lot of defiance.

Rocky Road has never tasted this wrong in her mouth, as they sit outside of Granny’s, on the warm concrete. It’s burning her naked thighs, but it still doesn’t suck as much as the way Killian stares at his phone – just like she expected him to. He’s waiting for M to answer him.

Emma wants to tell him he can confide in her but clearly he doesn’t want to. And it’s one of the strongest pain she’s ever felt – it’s a wicked, wicked pain that spreads from her heart to her pride and slays every inch of her good feelings.

She keeps licking her ice-cream, eyes locked to the road.

Her birthday is tomorrow. On the twenty-first, the first day of summer. She waits for summer all year, waits for the special moments she knows she’ll spend with Killian.

Only, this year, Killian doesn’t seem as happy to spend them with her.

Thankfully, Ingrid’s Rocky Road is still the best thing in town.

As she gets ready for her birthday party, Emma figures out she has nothing to lose. She decides to play all of her cards.

She’s staring at herself in the mirror while pop music plays in the background.

She hates her round cheeks and her slender body that refuses to give her the big chest boys seem to be so fond of. She’s frowning as she examines her features meticulously.

She usually doesn’t wear makeup, if not for a bit of mascara. It’s the only thing she’s comfortable with wearing on her face. As for her clothes, Emma is a jeans and sneakers kind of gal. Her only accessory is Killian's bracelet - and it doesn't count, because by now it is part of her.

She didn’t use to mind. It’s who she is. But since she’s seen M’s contact photo – she really didn’t mean to intrude, it just appeared when she tried to call him – Emma has become more self-conscious. (Terribly so).

M has long back curls and red lips, and she’s a woman. Not a girl like her. Her eyes are blue but they’re not timid, they shine sure and knowing and her smile is confident.

Emma hates her freckles. She looks like she’s twelve.

Tentatively, she brushes her blond eyebrows – just like she’s seen Ingrid do. It doesn’t make much of a difference and she muffles a dramatic sigh, frowning.

Killian will never find her pretty ever again.

That night, she also tip toes to Ingrid’s room to borrow some lady-like perfume. Emma only likes to use a very natural ginger fragrance – her smell but a bit better.

She winces. She hates the too-sweet, too-flowery smell that wraps itself around her body. Whatever. Killian must like that.

She’s nineteen tonight. The only teen year left of her life. She better make the most of it. (If Killian does not tell her about his mysterious girlfriend who’s far too beautiful for her to compete with, then she can’t really be doing something wrong, can she?)

She eyes the different dresses spread on the pink blanket of her bed. (Ingrid is very committed to pink.)

At her feet, the only pair of heels she could find in her wardrobe. They are small, black squared heels but really they’ll do the trick. They will have to at least.

Hands on her hips, she settles for the pink, light dress. It’s not her favorite color, but the fabric is very soft and fits her small waist like a glove. The lower part of the dress is flowy and ends well above her knees. Emma knows her legs are long and toned and she wants to show them off tonight.

To finish the look, she ties her hair in a high ponytail to get her hair off her face. Ingrid has always told her to.

As she eyes herself in her mirror, she thinks she looks pretty. She smiles at her reflection, her earrings glinting.

She glances at the big clock on her wall. 8:15. Killian should be here anytime, now.

Her heart beats faster, thinking of him.

She smiles, grabs her bag and goes down the stairs of Ingrid’s house. It already smells like dinner time, and it should comfort her, but it does not. She catches Ingrid’s surprised eyes in the kitchen.

“What do you think?” Emma asks, and it’s the first time she asks for Ingrid’s opinion on her appearance, but well –

Ingrid lets go of the tomato she is expertly cutting to stare at her. Her mouth slightly opens. And Emma swears she sees something very gentle sparkle in her green eyes.

“I think you look beautiful, Emma.” Ingrid’s smile is very tender over her figure, and something weird clenches Emma’s heart.

She simply smiles back. “Thanks, Ingrid. Don’t wait for me tonight, Killian and I are going to party!”

She almost runs to the door when she hears him knock. She tries to remain as composed and adult as possible, and instead calmly walk there. (Her feet are already killing her and her legs are stiff. This is going to be hell.)

She opens the door to discover him in a white shirt and black suit, and with a bouquet of yellow irises.

“Those ones I did not steal from Ingrid,” he smiles, his eyes glinting over her figure, and she could swear he likes what he sees, and her toes curl in her shoes and a very sweet heat invades her face, “Happy birthday, Emma,” he grins, and then she cannot hold herself back and wraps her arms around his neck.

She loves how her feet leave the floor for just a moment, as he spins her around, and she feels like they’re immortal.

“Thank you, Killian”, she murmurs against his cheek, presses a long kiss there, and intertwines their fingers together.

She thinks her crush is showing but really, as he glances at her body in her dress and climbs back to her face – a really lovely pink hue over his cheeks, and perhaps is pink not such a bad color – she doesn’t care.

She’s quick to put down the flowers on Ingrid’s kitchen counter, “Please take care of them!”, before disappearing in the night with her friend.

They pay all due respect to their Birthday tradition and go eat a grilled cheese at Granny’s. Granny’s give them a knowing look as they sit on the terrace outside. The old woman eyes Killian’s hand on the small of Emma’s back just as Emma feels it sending sparks up her spine.

They look like a couple, she’s sure of it, and the thought makes her feel giddy.

As they sit outside, by the lanterns and the Storybrooke sign, it feels like Killian never left.

“Remember when you were thirteen and I had to get you out of a bloody bin, Emma, just because you didn’t want to face Ingrid—”

“Hey!” Her scream isn’t really one and she’s waving an onion ring at him, “It’s my birthday, be nice to me.” And she rolls her eyes and he waggles his brows, and everything is right in the world.

His phone is still on the table, but face down. He is all eyes on her and she is very much pleased. (Even when it rings, once, twice, until Killian turns it off and she sighs in relief.)

“You’re very beautiful tonight, Swan,” he tells her as she finishes her grilled cheese.

And she hates him for saying so when her hands are wrapped around the greasy sandwich, and there’s probably cheese in the corners of her mouth, and strings of hair have fallen in front of her eyes – but she smiles.

“Thank you,” something warm and sunny blooms in her chest, “you’re not too bad yourself.”

She sees his eyes go wider, and she realizes he mustn’t have expected to say something back.

She keeps smiling. She feels an unfamiliar confidence take hold of her, straighten her spine and push her to grab his hand, on the table.

He glances at their knuckles but he doesn’t back away, and that must be good.

Finally, he waggles his brows and lets a small chuckle escape his lips. “Eat up, Swan. Before your favorite meal gets cold.”

She thinks then that she’s been touching him with her greasy fingers, and clearly that’s a mistake M wouldn’t have made, but… but he didn’t seem to mind. And his cheeks are red again. And that must be good, right?

They walk down to the only club in town – one down the beach. Storybrooke is a small town, but their fake IDs should be enough to get in.

Her feet are quite literally killing her, so when Killian offers that they walk in the sand instead, she happily complies. (She thinks he saw her suffering.)

It’s a full moon above them, and its reflection on the tender waves that come crashing at their feet is breathtaking. He is walking slightly ahead of her, but just now she doesn’t mind.

A sea breeze tangles her hair. She is happy.

“Hey, Swan,” he finally turns around to face her, and he is very handsome, and she realizes he has been carrying a plastic bottle in his bag. “Want some?” he asks her in a cheeky tone.

Her heart skips a beat in her chest. It’s not the first time Killian and she have gotten drunk together – and usually it ends with both of them asleep in one of their beds and a terrible headache the next morning.

(Killian’s always been her only true friend. Sure, she’s sympathized with Mary Margaret and Ruby at school – but they don’t get her like he does.)

“Hell yes,” she exclaims and stretches her hand to grab the bottle. “Cheaper to get drunk now than in the club.”

“Aye, that’s the spirit, Swan.”

She guesses he must have gotten drunk several times, this past year, without her. She figures he is grown up in all of the possible meanings of the word. It scares her, to think he’s going on without her. That’s he is already ahead of her, and she cannot quite catch up. She probably never will.

The bottle’s neck meets her lips, and it’s a pretty well done mix of vodka and fruit juice that she tastes against her tongue, and she wishes she were kissing him instead.

She takes several big gups, wincing as alcohol burns her throat and abandons a pleasing warmth in her chest.

“Careful, Swan. This isn’t only fruit juice.” She wipes her mouth as she hands him the bottle over.

“Oh come on, Killian. It’s my birthday, let me have some fun.”

She hates the concern she hears in his voice. He isn’t her big brother. She can take care of herself.

She watches as he drinks at his turn, watches as his Adam’s apple goes up and down. They used to be so similar, both of them all slender bodies, and now he is a man, and his shoulders are wide and his back strong, and she isn’t quite sure she is a woman yet.

She waits for him to put back the bottle in his bag and grabs his hand.

“Come on, let’s have some fun!”

And then she’s twirling around him, laughing brightly, and only stops when her body reminds her she just drank vodka and this will end badly if she keeps pushing her limits. Out of breath, she wraps her arms around his neck to settle herself, and his arms come to meet her waist.

The sea still whimpers behind them, but she only sees the soft waves in his eyes and the soft smile he dedicates to her.

There is a sparkle, in his gaze, a question at the tip of his tongue – but he will not ask it.

She wants him to.

Her fingers trace the shape of his jaw as she swallows, a small smile on her face.

“Dizzy, are we, Swan?” he asks her, and she realizes just how close their faces have gotten as his breath caresses her face.

She shakes her head. “Not dizzy at all. Happy.” She calmly exhales, licks her lips.

He will not kiss her. She wants him to. But he won’t. Because of her, she’s sure now. But, the night isn’t over.

He brushes a strand of hair behind her ear and steps back to let go. She misses the heat of his body immediately, can’t fight back the frown that takes over her features.

“I’m glad, Swan.” Why does he sound so mature? She hates it.

A childish anger shakes her heart and she feels cold. He left childhood behind and he didn’t bother to tell her he was leaving. He didn’t bother. And now she’s stuck in this weird limbo, not a child anymore but not an adult either, not really, not like M, and he isn’t with her anymore.

She shakes her head to chase her thoughts away.

“Right, let’s get in.”

It’s still pretty early, and there aren’t a lot of people queuing in front of The Forbidden Fruit (the name never fails to make her cringe). This allows Killian and Emma to display their fake ID’s quite quickly.

Killian plays the part awfully well, although they’ve downed the entire bottle of vodka before stepping in. Emma is very focused on not looking completely hammered, as Killian would put it. Girls get in easier, it’s a known fact.

The bouncer clearly knows they are underage but the forgeries are good. Killian got them done during his Navy year. And he is savagely challenging the tall, sturdy guy to prove those are fakes, one eyebrow raised.

How can he look this sober? It’s unfair.

“Fine, get in, kids,” mumbles the bouncer, and Emma is sober enough to muffle a scream of joy inside her palm.

Killian takes her hand in his as they enter the club. They let go of their bags in one corner – I’m not about to pay two dollars to have my stuff kept by people I don’t bloody know.

When they turn towards the dance floor, neon lights seize their eyes as pop music shakes the walls.

Killian turns to face her, smiling brightly. “Ready to party, Swan?”

She nods vigorously, her heart beaming. “Hell yes!”

He takes her hand again and it’s so easy to forget everything as they make their way between the swarm of young adults dancing. They swirl together, spin, fly some more. They are both soon panting and sweating but it does not keep them from continuing to jump around.

Emma thinks this is it, the great, terrible happiness she’s heard about her entire life. It must be this beat in her heart, this strong pulse of life inside of her, as Killian holds her hands and swings with her.

They dance for what seems to be only a few minutes – except almost an hour goes by – and Killian glances urgently at the watch on his wrist before pulling her towards him.

“Let’s go on the rooftop before midnight,” he yells into her ear, and it sounds like he’s whispering.

She nods again, smiling brightly, and presses a napkin against her forehead. She tries to catch her breath, stuck in some liminal space, but Killian is still very energetic and drags her along with him towards the stairs.

She finds her legs trembling under her weight and to be quite honest, the room might only be spinning in her head. He must feel her struggle because he turns to face her on reaching the stairs, and his hold is very firm on her hand as he secures his grip around her waist. She thinks she smiles then, and they climb up together.

“Since when do you hold your alcohol so well?” she asks, boldly, and it really isn’t the kind of question she would have asked had she been sober.

Purely because it echoes the year they spent apart. And they haven’t talked about it, at all. And she’d be damned before she opened up to him when he hasn’t opened up to her.

“Well, you’ve got to, in the Navy, love.” It’s the second time he’s called her love since he’s been back. Her heart smiles.

The vibrant sea breeze that welcomes them outside nearly swipes Emma off her feet. Or perhaps it is the vodka. Either way, it’s a plausible excuse to grab him again.

From the corner of her blurry vision, she sees Killian set a timer to midnight on his phone. It’s funny, how the music from the club sounds like a very muffled sound and the only thing she hears now is her own heartbeat.

She’s still out of breath. She inhales deeply, and then bows down to him. “May I have this dance?” she asks him, eyes shining with mischief.

He chuckles, and it’s a wonderful sound. “Anything for you, Swan.”

There must be some synchronicity in the universe because then a much gentler song resonates, and it sounds like her teenage years and she cannot believe childhood is already over.

They swirl together, his warm palm in hers, and her arm is wrapped around his neck, and he still smells good after all their dancing and it’s unfair. She hopes she doesn’t stink.

Another swirl, another turn, and she’s back in his arms again, and nothing ever felt this right. She thinks he must feel it, how well their bodies fit together, how easy it is to be together.

Before she knows it, she’s staring at his lips and she thinks he’s staring at hers too, and no air suddenly reaches her lungs and the timer rings painfully.

A smile spreads across his face. “Happy birthday, Emma.” He murmurs, says it with a lot of caution and care and affection and that other word she’s scared of.

She grins, brightly, vividly.

And then, she stands up on her tip-toes, and before they are both aware of it, she kisses him. Melts into his mouth, muffles a whisper of contentment against his lips, eyes firmly closed, just in case he pushes her away.

He doesn’t.

He kisses her back, his arms wrapping tightly around her, and she swears in that moment something explodes inside of her. She never believed in butterflies. She does now. A swarm has invaded her belly.

Her hands are in his hair, while his roam back and forth between her waist and her shoulder blades, and she cannot help but notice how expert his movements are against her body when she is still shaking with emotions.

And then he pulls back, and he’s all disheveled hair and rosy cheeks, and then, and then – she falls.

To the ground.

A ray of sunshine falls on her closed eyelids. When she wakes up, her hand is spread over her face and her mouth wide open. She groans, whimpers, groans some more and finally opens very hesitant eyes.

What the hell.

A terrible headache says hello to her. It isn’t fair.

The first thing she notices is Killian’s hand around her waist. In spite of the pain, that does make her smile. The next is that she isn’t home but in Killian’s childhood home (the one Liam and he inherited when they lost their father).

She slowly, very carefully, turns her face towards the nightstand. Of course. He left paracetamol and water there and a small note: “For my dearest idiot. Love, Killian”. It is set next to a picture of her and Killian, from middle school. She leans forward, tries her best not to wake him up in the process, and grabs the bottle. She drinks avidly, trying to hydrate the desert that is now her body.

A small chuckle echoes behind her. “You alright, Swan?” mumbles a voice, still very full of sleep.

She turns to face him, an apologetic smile on her lips. “Except for a ferocious headache, pretty good, yeah.”

He’s smiling at her, eyes still puffy and there is a very clear pillow mark in the middle of his forehead that makes him look like a wizard, and she swears he’s never smiled at her this way before.

And then shame circles her throat as memories come back to her mind.

She really made a show of herself last night, didn’t she? She hopes he doesn’t hate her.

She hands him the water bottle, and straightens her back in the bed to get some composure.

“Hey Killian?”

“Mmm?”

“Let’s forget all about last night, ‘kay? I was drunk and I’m sure I was awful...”

She hears him gulp loudly beside her. Her eyes twitch. Oh, it must be worse than she thought. Guilt swallows her. What has she done?

“All… all about it?” he repeats, and she swears his cheeks have become redder.

Her hands come to the blanket over her body, hold it tighter against her to protect her.

“Yeah, everything. I mean, it would have never happened if we hadn’t downed that damn vodka just the two of us.”

She tries to shrug it off, rolls her eyes really hard to seal the deal, but really, she is so ashamed.

He swallows beside her, frowns. “Alright Swan, if that is your wish, then I—”

“—Oh yeah,” she cuts him, and she’s throwing her legs out of the bed, “—I’m really sorry Killian, it won’t happen again.”

As he stares at her with what she thinks is some sort of judgement, the thought that she might be forgetting something does slip her mind.

But only for a few seconds, and then it’s gone forever.

#cs ff #cs fanfics #captain swan #friends to lovers #mutual pining #love rosie au #so there it is #i hope you guys will like this #please leave me your thoughts!!#my stuff

83 notes · View notes

fleeting-sanity · 3 years

Text

OC Talk #9

My OCs as 2020 songs.

There’s a LOT of releases this year but this is all I’ve listened to so far? Post is long as always.

PS: LOL I struggled to find suitable songs for some OCs that 2020 ended ahhaha I’m slow as always-

Aryuni

Rina Sawayama - Comme Des Garçons (Like the Boys)

Yeah, oh, girl, it's okay You should never be ashamed to have it all Yeah, yeah it's gonna be okay Yeah, you've come a long way

Don’t fuck with me hoe Take you down like Judo Elevate your vision when you put me on the cover

Hot like a fever Make you a believer Write my name up in the sky From Paris to Shibuya

Lady Gaga - 911

Holding on so tight to this status It's not real but I'll try to grab it Keep myself in beautiful places Paradise is in my hands

My biggest enemy is me Pop a 911

Taylor Swift - mad woman

What did you think I'd say to that? Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? They strike to kill and you know I will You know I will

Every time you call me crazy I get more crazy What about that? And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry And there's nothing like a mad woman What a shame she went mad No one likes a mad woman You made her like that

Ariana Grande - shut up

My presence sweet and my aura bright Diamonds good for my appetite Guess it fuckin' just clicked one night All them demons helped me see shit differently So don't be sad for me

I vibrate high and my circle lit We ain't really with drugs and shit Love the game so I never miss Keep opinions muted for the hell of it 'Cause I like my shit

Harry Styles - Adore You (From Arcann)

Your wonder under summer skies Brown skin and lemon over ice Would you believe it?

You don't have to say you love me You don't have to say nothing You don't have to say you're mine

Oh, honey I'd walk through fire for you Just let me adore you

Taylor Swift - mirrorball (To Avery, Avelyn, Saxan)

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight I'll get you out on the floor Shimmering beautiful And when I break it's in a million pieces

Hush When no one is around, my dear You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you

Chloe x Halle - Tipsy (To Arcann)

I've been crucified, darling Ghost haunt me like New Orleans I've been charged with murder 'Cause some wanna push me further I'll hit you where it hurts, yeah If you don't put me first, yeah And I don't give no apologies If you lose a life that's not on me, yeah

I might be a little tipsy on your love Makes me a little crazy but so what You're strumming on my heart strings, don't be dumb If you love your little life then don't fuck up

Avery

Dua Lipa - Future Nostalgia

I know you're dying trying to figure me out My name's on the tip of your tongue, keep running your mouth You want the recipe but can’t handle my sound

No matter what you do, I'm gonna get it without ya I know you ain't used to a female alpha

Katy Perry - What Makes A Woman

Is it the way I talk sweet? The way my skin is soft? Or how I can be a bitch? Make you keep your fingers crossed?

Is it the way I cut my hair And put no makeup on? I feel most beautiful Doing what the fuck I want

Rina Sawayama - Dynasty

I'm a dynasty The pain in my vein is hereditary Dynasty Running in my bloodstream, my bloodstream Dynasty And if that's all that I'm gonna be Won't you break the chain with me

I'm gonna take the throne this time All the words all mine, all mine It's been way too long, too far Too gone, to carry on You can't hide it in the walls Sweep it under marble floors It's been living in our lives Best told damn family lie

Chloe x Halle - Overwhelmed

Holding my breath till my face turns blue Head underwater Breathe deeply they said I need a weekend again Looking for bright sides Low on the high types Running so fast, I done worn my shoes Head on the pavement I'm just trying to win Pushed in the river, I swim Nothing can blind side Me like the high tide I don't do well under pressure I don't know at all I wish I had all the answers Fix it all myself (Oh) I feel overwhelmed

Avelyn

Selena Gomez - Dance Again

Happiness Ain't something you sit back and you wait for Vulnerable Ain't easy, believe me, but I do it

Feels so, feels so, feels so good to dance again With my emotions, I just start going in With everything To dance again

Katy Perry - Resilient

'Cause I am resilient A full flower moment Won't let the concrete hold me back Oh no I am resilient Born to be brilliant You'll see me grow right through the cracks Yeah, 'cause you're gonna watch this flower grow right through the cracks

Childish Gambino - 19.10

I remember back when I was six years old Daddy said "the world's so cold" "There is something that you should know", "You're so gorgeous", (thank you daddy) "Nothing's really worth your time" "But someday soon you just might find" "The truth about the world's design", oh

“To be beautiful is to be hunted I can't change the truth, I can't get you used to this”

Ariana Grande - my hair (To Ezekiel)

It’s got body and it’s smooth to touch The same way as my skin Don’t you be scared

To run your hands through my hair Baby, ‘cause that’s why it’s there Come run your hands through my hair Ooh baby, so don’t you be scared So come run your hands through my hair

It’s been way long overdue Just like these inches down my back Usually don’t let people touch it But tonight you get a pass

Enzaran

Miley Cyrus - Midnight Sky

I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone, oh no I don't need to be loved by you See my lips on her mouth, everybody's talking now, baby Ooh, you know it's true See his hands 'round my waist, thought you'd never be replaced, baby Ooh, you know it's true, yeah

You should know right now that I never stay put in one place Forever and ever, no more

Dorian Electra - Gentleman

I'm a gentleman Take my gentle hand Off to a gentle land I'm a gentleman

I pick you up I put you down I say the perfect thing then I make you spin around Yeah I'm lighting you up Throw you around This is a conquest a war is going down

Thundercat - King of The Hill

A king in his castle A king of the hill Wasting his time Chasing cheap thrills He knows it's gonna cost him God knows how much

Jurbiend

Billie Eilish - Therefore I Am

Stop, what the hell are you talking about? Ha Get my pretty name outta your mouth We are not the same with or without Don't talk 'bout me like how you might know how I feel Top of the world, but your world isn't real Your world's an ideal

I don't want press to put your name next to mine We're on different lines, so I Wanna be nice enough, they don't call my bluff 'Cause I hate to find Articles, articles, articles

Childish Gambino - 32.22

I'm a funky motherfucker, man Don't fucking call me I been the man, don't fire me Things ain't all bad

We are the, we are the warlords We are, are you ready? Firelight, got it, warlords Pick it up, no, pick it up Firelight gonna clean it up Firelight's goin' way up Red light's on fire

Riornivo

Harry Styles - Treat People With Kindness

Maybe we can find a place to feel good And we can treat people with kindness Find a place to feel good

Givin' second chances I don't need all the answers Feelin' good in my skin I just keep on dancin'

Childish Gambino - Time (ft. Ariana Grande)

Seven billion people Tryna free themselves Said a billion prayers Tryna save myself I can see it coming But it's moving fast

Maybe all the stars in the night are really dreams Maybe this whole world ain't exactly what it seems Maybe the sky will fall down on tomorrow But one thing's for certain, baby We're running out of time

Running after something But I don't know what Am I running to? Too afraid to stop Hundred miles an hour With no seatbelt on Time is everlasting I can't wait that long

Selena Gomez - Let Me Get Me

Like a prayer surrounding us, moving effortlessly Every word is relief No self-sabotage, no letting my thoughts run Me and this spiral are done Burn this camouflage I’ve been wearing for months Tryna let a little happy in for once

Don’t get me down, I won’t let me get me I’m good right now, I won’t let me get me Take that tired heart and go and turn it inside (out)

Diving in ferociously, dancing intimately I’m so connected to me In the dark I’m letting go, so anonymously I guess this is what it feels like to be free

Troye Sivan - Take Yourself Home (To Rionnic)

Talk to me There's nothing that can't be fixed with some honesty And how it got this dark is just beyond to me If anyone can hear me switch the lights

Who you really tryna be when they see your face? Is it worth it trying to win in a losing game? Well it's all waiting for you And, boy, I know you're eager But it just might destroy you Destroy you

Arca - Calor (From Arcann)

Rio, me tienes Rio, me tienes

Eres el premio que más deseaba Eres el sueño que no me atrevía a tener Eres el premio que más deseaba Eres el dueño de todo mi ser

Lady Gaga - Stupid Love (From Vaylin)

You're the one that I've been waiting for Gotta quit this cryin' Nobody's gonna heal me if I don't open the door Kinda hard to believe, gotta have faith in me

Now it's time to free me from the chain I gotta find that peace Is it too late or could this love protect me from the pain? I would battle for you, even if I break in two

Look at me now 'Cause all I ever wanted was love I don’t need a reason Not sorry I want your stupid love

Taylor Swift - marjorie (To Vianiel)

“Never be so kind, you forget to be clever” “Never be so clever, you forget to be kind”

“Never be so polite, you forget your power” “Never wield such power, you forget to be polite”

And if I didn't know better I'd think you were talking to me now If I didn't know better I'd think you were still around What died didn't stay dead You're alive, you're alive in my head

Rionnic

Lady Gaga - Sine from Above (ft. Elton John)

When I was young, I prayed for lightning My mother said it would come and find me I found myself without a prayer I lost my love and no one cared When I was young, I prayed for lightning

When I was young, I felt immortal And not a day went by without a struggle I lived my days just for the nights I lost myself under the lights When I was young, I felt immortal

Thundercat - It Is What It Is

When the gold becomes dough And the magic starts to fade When it all comes to an end When there's nothing left to say It is what it is I tried to make it work My best just wasn't enough It couldn't be helped, the end The things I would do for you

After all is said and done And I'm all alone When I sit back and reflect From a broken heart Sometimes there's regret It is what it is

Taylor Swift - peace (From Jaesa)

Our coming of age has come and gone Suddenly this summer it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darlin' 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace

And you know that I'd Swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough?

Rina Sawayama - Chosen Family (From Vette, Katei)

We don't need to be related to relate We don't need to share genes or a surname You are, you are My chosen, chosen family So what if we don't look the same? We been going through the same thing Yeah, you are, you are My chosen, chosen family

Saxan

Dorian Electra - Edgelord (ft. Rebecca Black)

We live in a society That's always lashing out at guys like me They pushed me to the edge, you see Never, never, never gonna come down One question, why so serious? Did I offend you? I'm so curious Ha, my identity's mysterious Never, never, never gonna come down

Taylor Swift - this is me trying

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that

They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that

The Weeknd - Save Your Tears (To Linnea)

You could've asked me why I broke your heart You could've told me that you fell apart But you walked past me like I wasn't there And just pretended like you didn't care

I don't know why I run away I make you cry when I run away

I made you think that I would always stay I said some things that I should never say Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine And now you won't love me for a second time

Taylor Swift - gold rush (From Linnea)

I don't like a gold rush, gold rush I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch Everybody wants you But I don’t like a gold rush

What must it be like To grow up that beautiful? With your hair falling into place like dominos My mind turns your life into folklore I can't dare to dream about you anymore At dinner parties I won't call you out on your contrarian shit

Vianiel

Katy Perry - Daisies

They told me I was out there Tried to knock me down Took those sticks and stones Showed 'em I could build a house They tell me that I'm crazy But I'll never let 'em change me 'Til they cover me in daisies Daisies, daisies

Billie Eilish - everything i wanted

I tried to scream But my head was underwater They called me weak Like I'm not just somebody's daughter

Coulda been a nightmare But it felt like they were right there And it feels like yesterday was a year ago But I don't wanna let anybody know 'Cause everybody wants something from me now And I don't wanna let 'em down

Selena Gomez - She

'Cause she was a girl with good intentions Yeah, she made some bad decisions And she learned a couple lessons Wish I could tell her

She didn't know all of the hurt she could take Her world was crumbling and so was her faith Wish I could talk to her, 'cause what I would say "Oh baby, you're enough to get you out of this place"

Taylor Swift - tolerate it (To Jurbiend)

I greet you with a battle hero's welcome I take your indiscretions all in good fun I sit and listen, I polish plates until they gleam and glisten You're so much older and wiser and I

I wait by the door like I'm just a kid Use my best colors for your portrait Lay the table with the fancy shit And watch you tolerate it If it's all in my head tell me now Tell me I've got it wrong somehow I know my love should be celebrated But you tolerate it

Vyria

Rina Sawayama - Paradisin’

Paradisin' Living my best life, drivin' Drivin' you crazy Paradisin' Living my best life thrivin' You say I'm misbehaving But I'm just a kid, so save it Let me have an unforgettable time of my life

Lady Gaga - Free Woman

I'm not nothing without a steady hand I'm not nothing unless I know I can I'm still something if I don't got a man I'm a free woman

#swtor OC #FS'OC #just stuff for myself #potato mom #potato empress

7 notes · View notes

ddearddigitalddiary · 4 years

Text

folklore: Stoned Favorites

It’s been just about 48 hours since Queen Taylor surprised us with TS8 entitled folklore. This album was born out of quarantine and is becoming her highest critically acclaimed album yet. She’s fucking amazing, magical, powerful, etc. I’ve had a few listen throughs to digest it, but I’m still processing all of its beauty. It has quickly become a favorite. Taylor somehow has this power where she drops an album that is lined up perfectly to the events I’m going through in my personal life. Maybe I’m just finding how it relates to me and seeing myself in the album, but that’s the beauty of it anyways. Going through a tough breakup, living through a global pandemic, society is literally never going back to something we knew... It’s all a bit much. And Ms. Swizzle has put words to my deepest feelings, and as always helped me feel and heal.

Here are my favorite parts of the beautiful, whimsical, mystical album that is folklore:

the 1: (this one hurts a little much for me right now...) we never painted by the numbers baby, but we were making it count, you know the greatest loves of all time are over now / in my defense i have none for never leaving well enough alone, but it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one

cardigan: (first of the love triangle, Taylor freaking Swift. this entire song is so beautiful. one of my faves and i cried the first time i heard it) i knew you stepping on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain I, I knew you tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy I, I knew you leaving like a father, running like water I, and when you are young they assume you know nothing, but I’d knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss, I knew you’d haunt all of my what if’s, the smell of smoke would hang around this long, cause I knew everything when I was young

the last great american dynasty: (a sweet little bop. i love this one. Taylor’s voice is so pretty. this guitar is *chefs kiss*) she had a marvelous time ruining everything / [the entire bridge!!!!] there goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen, i had a marvelous time ruining everything

exile: (again, this one hurts right now. a bit relevant.) you’re not my homeland anymore, so what am i defending now? / (pretty much Taylor’s whole verse because freaking ouch - it’s describing my heart space right now) i think i’ve seen this film before, so I’m leaving out the side door / cause you never gave a warning sign - i gave sooo many signs

my tears ricochet: (hearing this song with the framing of it being about B*g M*****e is so sad, heartbreaking, powerful) cause i loved you, i swear i loved you, til my dying day, i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace (and then really the whole entire rest of the song.) / WHEN I’M SCREAMING AT THE SKYYY... YOU HEAR MY STOLEN LULLABIIIIES

mirrorball: (this one feels like 80′s prom or something, i’m in love) *hushh* when no one is around my dear, you’ll find me on my tallest tip toes, spinning in my highest heels love, shining just for youuu

seven: (this one makes me feel like i’m in a grassy meadow, while of course swinging on a tree, with a light summer breeze) sweet tea in the summer, cross your heart won’t tell no other / love you to the moon and to saturn / (STRINGS)

august: (another love triangle song, and it’s my favorite of the moment i think... i think. it also hurts a little bit because of my love life heart space ): ) i remember thinking i had you, but i can see us lost in the memory, august slipped away into a moment in time, cause he was never mine, and i can see us twisted in bed sheets, august sipped away like a bottle of wine, cause you were never mine / (and the fact that there’s beautiful flutes noticeable to me and beautiful saxophone is just super convenient for my feelings as well. also, beautiful fade out, *chefs kiss*)

this is me trying: (this beat going into the song goes hard. guess what - song again hits me like a truck. it’s like what i would want him to say to me. i picture it’s fairly similar to what he’s going through. who knows.) so i got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when i’m mad, i have a lot of regrets about that

illicit affairs: (these guitars are like hugging my ears) take the words for what they are, a dwindling mercurial high, a drug that only worked the first few hundred times (that line in particular hits) / don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby, look at this idiotic fool that you made me, you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else, and you know damn well for you i would ruin myself a million little times

invisible string: (again, guitars hugging the ears :). and of course, this song gives me hope for whatever, whoever could be out there for me. her runs are angelic) bad was the blood of the song in the cab on your first trip to la / time, mystical time, cutting me open then healing me fine~ / one single thread of gold tied me to you / hell was the journey but it brought me heaven / give me the blues and the purple pink skies, baby it’s cooool with meeeee! (so many Lover references in these lines! I’m in love!)

mad woman: (i’m in love with this song as well. like another version of the Man, aka don’t fuck with me. i’m in love with the entire chorus and her voice and the piano) what do you sing on your drive home, do you see my face in the neighbor’s lawn, does she smile or does she mouth fuck you forever / no one likes a mad woman, you made her like that... / women like hunting witches too, doing your dirtiest work for you

epiphany: (the production of this song is so angelic and peaceful yet the lyrics are haunting and i get sad every time i listen to it. the parallel between the war and the pandemic is rough and sad. this song is a different kind of hurt) hold your hand through plastic now, doc i think she’s crashing out, and some things you can’t speak about *and then the moment of silence with horns*...

betty: (the last of the triangle. this is the one that is so beautiful and heartbreaking and hopeful? maybe not hopeful it’s more the nostalgia factor of it all for me that just because of the breakup stage i’m in right now is what makes it heartbreaking... one day it will be more beautiful and i can smile to it with a longing and gratuitous embrace... also a bop, ALSO reminds me of country Taylor and it’s so *hugs my heart and teen me*) but if i just showed up at your party, would you have me would you want me? would you tell me to go fuck myself or lead me to the garden / i don’t know anything but i know i miss you / the only thing i wanna do is make it up to you / (KEY CHANGE !!!) / kissing in my car again, stopped at a streetlight you know i miss you

peace: (another favorite!!!! and apparently the first take she did of this song IS THE ONE THAT’S ON THE ALBUM. artist.) the devils in the details, but you got a friend in me, would it be enough if i could never give you peace, your integrity makes me seem small, you paint dreamscapes on the wall, i talk shit with my friends, it’s like i’m wasting your honor *piannooooo* / and you know that i’d swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches, give you my wild, give you a child...

hoax: (a hauntingly beautiful one, a favorite, love that it’s the closer. it HURTS me right now but i’ll take it. it’s a beautiful song and it’s helping the heal. can’t wait to hear the lakes on the deluxe! - also i just so happen to be re-reading the twilight series right now and it’s the exact vibes i get from this song - the level of love, the cliff sides, the sleepless nights, the piano, eclipsed sun) stood on the cliff side screaming give me a reason, your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in.... don’t want no other shade of blue but you, no other sadness in the world would do.

Taylor announced it and I woke up to the news. I spent the whole day obsessed with the thought of the album and the fact that she literally surprise dropped and shook the whole swiftie kingdom as well as it’s surrounding communities. I had no idea what to expect with it but I said it would be my new favorite Taylor album, i just had a feeling. And I think that this album proved that statement was true. This side of Taylor is the storytelling side I absolutely fell in love with. Her power and creativity and pen are just top tier and she’s the freaking artist of my lifetime. This album will be helping me heal, just as rep did, just as 1989 did, just as Speak Now, Fearless did. I love you Taylor. Thank you for the beauty that is folklore.

#Taylor Swift #folklore #the 1 #cardigan #the last great american dynasty #exile #Bon Iver #my tears ricochet #mirrorball #seven #august #this is me trying #illicit affairs #invisible string #mad woman #epiphany #betty #peace #hoax

7 notes · View notes

tayloralison · 4 years

Note

Thanks for responding. Maybe I am thinking into it too much, but it's also the theme of the album. Now that I've sat with the songs for a while, some things dont add up. I'd prefer it to be a full story like a concept album. I just dont know why she gave us bits and pieces. Then she is not giving interviews and letting it speak for itself..maybe cuz we are in a pandemic. Yet she specifically told us about the love triangle and I would prefer if she didnt cuz the meanings of the songs change, especially August and that had the potential to be one of my favs. I love stories and musicals so I guess I wish it was more thought out..instead it seems kinda incomplete. Also I dont see myself coming back to these story songs in a couple years..cuz I dont connect to them at all. However I still love songs like Mirrorball,InvisibleString and the Lakes...the songs that seem more personal to Taylor. When I first listened, I did not read the prologue or know about the love triangle at first and if I had, it would've changed my opinion. I understand what you're saying, I just wanted your opinion because you said you weren't that interested in the love triangle and the connection seems forced.

i don’t really agree but i understand why you feel that way! i guess you’d be more into an album like reputation, or even rep + lover which tells a big story together? i’m personally fine with bits and pieces, it’s like a small glimpse into their lives. kinda like you’re in the backseat of a car and seeing people pass by and you think about all the stories and experiences they have had and you get to hear one of the many

i guess it’s just a difference in opinion because i also don’t relate to most of the songs on folklore (actually, most of taylor’s discography) but i love the storytelling and the emotions in her lyrics. for me, the reason i’m not invested in the love triangle is because i’ve never cared about love triangles (except for the one in the infernal devices omg) and it’s something i’ve seen a bunch in one form of another in media (books, movies, tv shows, etc) so i just.....don’t care about it. it’s not that i think it’s forced or anything but it’s fine that you think that!!

#like i don't connect with the last great american dynasty but it's SO interesting and im obsessed #same with blank space #anonymous #asks

1 note · View note

everyday-effing-therapy · 4 years

Text

01/08/2020

Oh, hello there.

It’s August already. Time sure flies, as we’ve all experienced that in the past few months.

Tomorrow is my birthday and, as quite often recently, I have no idea how I’m feeling about it.

I love my birthdays, I really do, because I really enjoy being a center of attention, which is a trait that lots of people don’t have. It’s actually quite fine, cause thanks to that we are able to function as a society.

With that being said, I do acknowledge that I am getting older and quite probably, my birthdays will soon turn into something less pleasant. I guess my last birthday was the only one that I was truly awaiting and now it’s just going to go downhill.

Time has already been passing so fast that I am really afraid of how it’s going to feel now.

Tomorrow, I am going to hang out with my prom partner. He invited me to meet up with him at 11am, we are supposed to go to some breakfast festival, art gallery, cafeteria, take a stroll and catch a nice lunch at a Chinese restaurant.

I am not going to lie, I am really excited about that all and it does feel amazing that somebody is willing to go that extra step with me.

At 6pm my grandmothers are supposed to come to my house and we are going to celebrate with the cake and the whole thing. V is also invited, as well as my other friend.

Overall, it seems that it’s going to be an incredibly beautiful day, with a nice weather and great plans.

When it comes to me, I am still tired, apartment hunting is still going uneventful and sometimes I just want to cry. I have to remind myself of why I am doing all of that and that I genuinely believe I’m going to be happy in the future.

To calm myself down, I am currently listening to Taylor Swift’s newest album, Folklore, which is a beautiful piece of music. My favorite songs so far are “the 1″, “august”, “mirrorball” and “exile”, but I generally believe that the entire album is beyond amazing. I have been truly in love with Taylor for a couple of years, but since I watched “Miss Americana” I am feeling so much more for her and to be blessed with new music during those tough times feels like a wonderful gift.

Speaking about gifts, I guess the best one for me would be for my dreams to become true, which would probably, in turn, mean that I would finally be able to catch a nice apartment, translate my documents fast and be able to visit a spa with my mom and her friend.

Just for the sake of my happiness, I did buy myself a vibrator, just in case I didn’t get any gifts.

It will probably arrive on Monday. Hopefully, cause I really want to try it out, read lots of good things about it.

And if you want to post shit about how masturbation is a sin, then be a sweetheart and just click away, cause you’re not going to change my mind. More importantly, even WHO acknowledges and writes about the good effects and stress relief of masturbation.

Still, I think that the headache I currently have can only go away with sleep, that I didn’t get much of in the past couple of days and that I am certainly not going to get much of tomorrow either.

Therefore, I am going to sleep.

Have the best day tomorrow and, if you want to be extra nice, wish me a happy birthday, even if that’s just in your head.

With love,

#23:31 #01/08 #night post #journal #journal entry #diary #c posts #life #friends #stresses and all #c is very tired

2 notes · View notes

forzafinally · 4 years

Note

you should write an album review!!!! i would love to see your opinions, pleaseee

This is going to be a disjointed mess but bear with me. It's not like an analysis or anything, just the vibe I got?

the 1 : this was just so intimate? Like I didn't feel it was something we should be listening to. The contrast in the lyrics "You know the greatest loves of all time are over now" And "You meet some woman on the internet and take her home" I mean!!!!!

cardigan : though this comes later on in the album, the way it ties up with betty? No words. That's so clever. A very twenties vibe for me. Old school but I like it.

the last great american dynasty : LOVE IT. This is a typical mixture of speak now and red Taylor but more mellow and mature. "She had a marvelous time ruining everything" - YES PLEASE! The way it's a whole story in less than 4 minutes, I genuinely missed this kind of music from her.

exile : not one of my favourites but the lyrics here "I think I've seen this film before /And I didn't like the ending /I'm not your problem anymore /So who am I offending now?" Are just so beautiful??? Like, I can literally picture it, as the soundtrack of the climax of a romantic tragedy?

my tears ricochet : I actually started crying while listening to it. The way I am getting wuthering heights vibes. The line "I didn't have it in myself to go with grace / 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave" that just says it all doesn't it? The complexity of a relationship. The negatives of a person encouraged by someone who loves them and who then turns back and throws it in their face? "You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same" this is hands down the best ending of a relationship she has ever written, lyrically speaking for me (All Too Well has a special place in my heart so I am not saying the best one overall)

mirrorball : "I can change everything about me to fit in .......I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try.... I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me" this hurt. Not in the teenage angst way of fearless or speak now. Not in the relationship way either. It's everything. Trying to fit into a friend circle. A toxic relationship. So many interpretations. And the fact that the song has a low-key happy vibe to it?? Enough already.

seven : Cute but a little too basic for me. Nice autumn vibes to it though (and yes ik that it's a summer song thank you very much!)

august : Such a vibe! This is such a nostalgic summer song! It's so much like Starlight and Lucky One in terms of the aura around it I guess?? Low-key like Style too.

this is me trying : "They told me all of my cages were mental / So I got wasted like all my potential" cue the waterworks. Like how does she do this? I was not that impressed by reputation and lover ngl. I wasn't able to really relate to her lyrics that much anymore. But this song man... It turned me inside out.

illicit affairs : "DON'T CALL ME KID, DON'T CALL ME BABY, LOOK AT THIS IDIOTIC FOOL YOU MADE ME" Ma'am went off!! The way the bridge makes this song so damn good...

invisible string : this is what you get when Starlight and It's Nice to Have a Friend have a baby. It has some rights but not many. But it's not a skip because it reminds me of 2008 fearless Taylor and I am a nostalgic bitch.

mad woman : the subtle shade throughout the song is so good! It's what This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things tried to be and failed. She should really stick to clever lyrics and softer melodies like this. She is so much effective this way.

epiphany : it's a bit basic and hymn like. Sorry but not a fan. A skip for me

betty : LOVE HER!! it's fun, it's the story, the cardigan is here, the instruments are so interesting here too. A more interesting You Belong With Me as far as I am concerned.

peace : she's cute but couldn't keep my attention. A skip, sorry!

hoax : it's an okay song. Fine as the last one but personally, she could have just ended it at betty and I would have been happy.

Hope this helps!

#asks #anonymous #folklore #taylor swift #album review #i was zarryiscanon

3 notes · View notes

alien-romantic · 4 years

Text

Taylor Swift, Folklore

A track by track review by me - while sipping rum and coke and doodling aimlessing - a person who has never properly listened to Taylor Swift before

1. “The 1”: felt this, that’s all I have to say lol. I better strap in because this feels like a ride

2. “cardigan”: some good raw lyrics here, good vibe, good metaphors

3. “the last great american dynasty”: more upbeat? Didn’t really vibe with this one ngl

4. “exile (feat. Bon Iver)”: ‘I think I’ve seen this film before and I didn’t like the ending’, call and response was good, not fully vibin with this, ‘there is no amount of crying I could do for you’ is a good line

5. “my tears ricochet”: ‘Even on my worst day did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?’ well fuck that, ‘if I am dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name’, she seems very.... sad. Did she have a breakup or somethin because all these songs just sound sad? I like this one though

6. “mirrorball”: eh, very airy, ‘I’ll show you every version of yourself tonight’, no real thoughts, was okay

7. “seven”: ‘sweet tea in the summer [...] and though I can’t recall your face, I still got love for you’ Ms Swift - I have stern words for you, ‘I’ve been meaning to tell you, your house is haunted’ might be one of my favourite lyrics so far, I will actually refer back to something I tagged a previous post with - I really cannot listen to new music without being hit with waves of memories. I like this one very much.

8. “august”: first one that got me bopping my head?? ‘August slipped away into a moment of time, ‘cause it wasn’t mine’, I was gonna type out a few lines but fuck it [insert whole bridge], Ms Swift can you stop bringing up shit I’m trying to get over please and thank you??

9. “this is me trying”: okay this title already has it in for me fuck, ‘I’ve been having a hard time adjusting’, ‘you’re a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town’

10. “illicit affairs”: ‘clandestine meetings and longing stares’, absolute brilliant parallels with ‘don’t call me ‘kid’, don’t call me ‘baby’’ and ‘don’t you call him ‘baby’’ from Cherry by Harry Styles, okay I love this one too many good lines

11. “invisible string”: who fucking hurt Taylor Swift for her to come out with songs like this?? ‘tying you to me’ parallel with ‘there’s still a thread that runs from your body to mine’ from Forgiveness by Paramore (feeling the alcohol now)

12. “mad woman”: ‘does she smile? Or does she say ‘fuck you forever’?’, this is.. slow, not really vibing, ‘now I breathe flames every time I talk’, okay maybe I do, definitely comes under my ‘anger’ playlist huh...

13. “epiphany”: I like the ambience, mm yeah not feeling this

14. “betty”: firstly, harmonica, secondly, why is she talking about homeroom how old is Taylor Swift?? ‘you heard the rumours from Inez’ ((John Paul Satre has entered the chat)), yeah little thoughts on this one it’s not my vibe sorry, oh fuck a key change, also I thought Taylor was a Problematic Ally - is she here saying that she liked a girl I am confusion, also throwback to track 2?

15. “peace”: hmmm some nice lyrics here? yeah not really.... feeling this. Was the pink album one the happy one? ‘Lover’? Wait was that only last year??? WHO HURT HER IN THE PAST YEAR TO MAKE THIS

16. “hoax”: I like the music of this already - reminds me of Sufjan Stevens, ‘I am ash from your fire’ oh fuck I love that, ‘I don’t want no other shade of blue than you’ hits me with so many parallels I can’t list them all.... wait it’s done? Album over?

Oh wow okay final thoughts I guess??

-I really enjoyed a few songs on the album: “cardigan”, “my tears ricochet”, “seven”, and “illicit affairs”

-she really is a good, poetical lyricist; her metaphors are nice, her lyrics create vivid pictures in my mind which is always good

-will I go and listen to her discography? Mmm maybe not. Might give ‘Lover’ a try for some more upbeat stuff

-I’m still apprehensive to give her my full support bc she might be Problematic but I don’t exactly know the full scope of Taylor Drama

-Love getting more and more drunk listening to Sad Taylor Swift lol

-Okay I will end this saying that she MAY deserve more credit than I have given her

So, “Folklore” gets a ‘yeah I may listen to some of these songs again’ out of 10

#i went off on one lol #music #rambling #misc #me #taylor swift #might edit in the morning who knows lol #for future consideration #long post #folklore #taylor swift folklore #tswift #i hope yall are ready for my hot takes #ar.post

1 note · View note

jakeperalta · 4 years

Note

Hi again! I am actually the opposite of you with My Tears Ricochet. At first I have to admit I thought it was about Calvin for some reason and their messy breakup. But the second time I heard it..i kinda figured the death was a metaphor but I didnt have it in myself to go with grace was pointing to suicide and also the screaming at the sky lyric is because she was dead but also then she couldnt be the one screaming. When I connected it with the masters situation I almost like it less now, cuz before it reminded me of a what if I kill myself situation and how would anyone feel. I also saw someone say they related it to their relationship with an abusive or toxic parent which is easier to connect to for me. It made it like well now I know it's about that but I still find these interpretations interesting. Thank you so much for explaining. I was just wondering cuz we know that sometimes she will start by writing a song on guitar or piano as we've seen in making of a song series. It seemed like she wouldve did that more being in quarantine but I guess not. Is it because she Is not familiar with writing music in that genre for some of the songs? She did describe Folklore as a collaborative project too. But I agree the ones produced by Jack seemed not too different than her usual music like August or Mirrorball. I actually just rewatched her making of a songs Getaway Car and it seemed like they work together mostly. This really makes me want one for Paper Rings cuz it's so fun but also Mirrorball! Also I listened to the new Bleachers songs and enjoyed it. It seemed almost musically similar or inspired by Folklore so that's interesting.

that’s so funny that we had opposite experiences with my tears ricochet, i feel like a lot folklore can be like that! i see so many different approaches and interpretations and opinions on all the songs.

i think the fact folklore was a less familiar genre probably played a role in her writing the topline to tracks more. she actually mentioned in this new rolling stone podcast that it was a similar process with writing wanegbt when she was first trying out pop. also i think that’s how aaron dessner tends to work by sending his collaborators tracks and they send back lyrics so i think quarantine inspired her to try that out together. but it seems like it was all very collaborative so i’m sure she also had a part in the music/production side of it too! i’d love a paper rings making of video i bet that would be super fun seeing how they wrote all those upbeat wordy lyrics and recorded it. and yes, there’s definitely some similar vibes between the new bleachers songs and some of the folklore tracks! i know jack’s been working on that new music for a while so it would be cool to know what he was working on whilst working on folklore with taylor.

#taylor swift #Anonymous #answered

0 notes

macosandi · 4 years

Text

First Things First: Why Did I Decide to Start Documenting my Days?

As some of you might’ve figured out by now, quarantine and lockdown have not been the best for everybody. Some people are just not equipped to be inside the same walls for long periods of times—and some households are not built to have every member of the family cooked up together for long periods of time. As someone whose family drives her crazy (and someone who, admittedly, drives them crazy too), I need something to keep my ever-wandering mind occupied.

This seemed like the perfect excuse.

So, as I sat in solitude, doing my best to take care of my health, and my family’s health, I figured: Why the hell not? It’s not like I have anything better to do, anyway. Plus, I’ve realized that this time, although highly inconvenient, serves perfectly for me to take back some of the old hobbies I abandoned out of sheer exhaustion or just… lack of motivation. Such hobbies include:

1. Drawing

2. Journaling.

3. Maybe painting.

4. Reading an unhealthy number of books in just a week.

5. Learning how to cook.

6. The one hobby that has made me cry out of frustration: creative writing.

Turns out, writing books is often not as fun as reading them. Maybe that’s why I left it, and decided that I’m just not good enough for the job. Even so, I can’t seem to shake it off. It’s something I like to do, and something think about often, constantly dwelling in all the universes that never came to be simply because I couldn’t be bothered. I keep telling myself that maybe one day everything will work out, and who knows? Maybe that day is closer than I think.

But let’s not hang around that thought too long, shall we? Let’s talk about all the other things I could do while sitting in my bed. Like…

- Downloading a dating app, for example. Explore some options, and see what else is out there besides a failed high school sweetheart.

- Google options about how to convince my mother that adopting yet another dog is our way out of a boring routine. Maybe explain to her that betta fish take up a lot more time and energy than she thinks they do, and that owning one should not be just a goal to have a pretty decoration on the table below the mirror. Negotiate that, if we do get one under the right circumstances, we get a girl and call her Betty.

Now, while I’m not frantically planning the future of a non-existent fish, there’s so much more I could do. Netflix is always available, and when not, YouTube is a great invitation to be entertained. Even if the creators I enjoyed aren’t as involved anymore—or not at all—there are always some others willing to fill the gap. I’ve been getting into gaming videos a lot, there’s just something about watching people struggle through a level of Crash Bandicoot that makes my afternoon just a little lighter. And, when none of this seems to be good enough, there’s always music.

Speaking of, all hail the biggest, loudest, Taylor Swift fan you will probably ever meet. I know every lyric, every note, almost every backstory that there is to know. I relish on that fact, and you will never see me shy away from at least mouthing the lyrics of whatever song of hers is stuck in head on any given day. Lately, it’s been Mirrorball. I won’t elaborate much on why, or what the song represents to me. I wouldn’t want to tarnish anyone’s first time listening to it.

No pressure, of course.

Let’s move on to something that’s maybe more important and interesting than my taste in music. That something is, of course, the list of who will be keeping me company through my days at home. Now, just because I don’t have friends around doesn’t mean I’m alone… kind of. I have other companions that keep me entertained and loved-up enough to go through all of it.

1. My sweet baby Olivia.

Olivia. A 2 year old mutt that might be a bit too crazy to be considered a normal dog, but has become what is, maybe, the most crucial part of my life. Don’t take me as a freaky dog lady… okay, maybe I am. She’s like an actual baby to me. No, I don’t dress her often or anything… but her Santa Claus outfit during Christmas has never been ignored. Just because it’s not ignored doesn’t mean she likes it, of course. She’s never in it for longer than it takes to snap a quick picture, and even then, she doesn’t look pleased.

2. Abby. Commonly known as: Mochi.

While Abby doesn’t match Olivia’s evidently crazy personality, she has proven to be excellent company for when you just want to cuddle. Gentle, and maybe a little bit spoiled, she has lived her 8 years of life being the sole ruler of the household. She might just be my sister’s love of her life. Unlike Olivia, Abby gets clothes, and actually likes them. She has pajamas, and coats, and all sorts of things to match her eternal collection of collars (all with different patterns, of course). All of this has earned her the common nickname of “Princess” which she answers to... when she feels like it. Even if my sister’s way of raising her designated life companion might be a bit over the top, I can’t bring myself to blame her for it. After all, Abby did show up when she needed her the most.

3. Chris. Simply Chris.

When I say that Covid-19 has been an inconvience when it comes to seeing your friends, I mean it. Just... not with Chris. See, Chris and I have always been far away from each other. Me here, and Chris there, all the way in Montana, United States. How we came to meet is a very common story of friendships that develop online; one day you’re tweeting normally, the next there’s some crazy person on your direct messages that you just happen to hit it off with. Out of nowhere, you’re best friends and a whole trip is planned around you two meeting for the very first time. Luckily, Miss Covid-19 did not ruin that for us. Chris did come to Costa Rica back in March. It was great... until the entire country started shutting down due to this strange new virus no one understood yet, and we had to say goodbye. Nonetheless, Chris remains one of my daily companions, always being one text away, 24/7. Guess I have the universe to be thankful for because this wasn’t a creepy, derranged situation.

4. My Sister From Certainly Another Mister.

There’s not enough things I can say to describe Grace, since we just kind of have been inseparable since the very first day we met back in uni. It’s like we’re the same person, while also being completely different. It’s weird to find people you fit so easily with, but it never makes you feel less lucky. From making sure we take almost every class together to crying over One Direction’s songs as if we were back in 2012, Grace is someone that has had my back through it all. I mean ALL. All the intricate, messy situations I’ve gotten myself in, or have gotten dragged into. All the times I’ve cried and been annoying. She’s been there when I need a reality check, and I like to think I’d been there every time she needs one, too. Covid-19 just can’t take those things away.

5. The Inevitable Disaster that I Adore Everyday: Chloe, Emma, Elise, and Steph.

While Chris is practically family by now, they are not the only friend I’ve found in the depths of Twitter. There’s always groupchats, and while some people you might end up hating from one, there’s always the group you learn to cherish. The kind of people you scream at, “I absolutely hate you,” to, and they know you don’t mean it while also saying “I absolutely hate you, too.” So, I guess the “Folklore Stans” Groupchat had more to offer than I initially thought it would. These four are always there when I need them, and I plan to always be there when they need me too. Since I know they would murder me for posting their faces, here’s just this very... soft and tender moment.

Well, I think that’s a good ending. While lockdown and quarantine might be two things that make you feel alone, hope my little list of companions helps as a reminder that there’s always someone. Even if it’s just a pet, or someone behind a screen looking forward to hear everything about your day.

Maybe that’s why I decided to start documenting my days: to remind myself of the amazing things I can do even from home, and to remind myself that even if I feel lonely, I’m not really alone.

Anyway, I think that’s it from me. At least for now.

All the love, Mari.

#macosandi #introduction

0 notes

Last Seen Blogs