Okay I actually like hanging out with my dad sometimes

Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

For those who are not aware, I have decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s Queer Cinema Syllabus and have officially started Unit 2: Race, Disability, and Class. The films in Unit 2 are: The Way He Looks (2014), Being 17 (2016), Naz and Maalik (2015), The Obituary of Tunde Johnson (2019), Margarita With a Straw (2014), and My Beautiful Laundrette (1985)

Today I will be writing about

The Way He Looks (2014) dir. Daniel Ribeiro

(image descriptions in alt text)

[Available on Amazon, Run Time- 1:36, Language: Portuguese]

Summary: Leonardo is a blind teenager searching for independence. His everyday life, the relationship with his best friend, Giovana, and the way he sees the world change completely with the arrival of Gabriel. 

Cast Ghilherme Lobo as Leonardo, a blind teenager Fabio Audi as Gabriel, Leonardo’s love interest Tess Amorim as Giovana, Leonardo’s best friend

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I will tell you right now that I was so excited when I saw this on Ben’s list of films. I remember watching the 15 minute short I Don’t Want to Go Back Alone that was made in 2011, with the same premise and actors. The popularity of that short resulted in the creation of a feature length film that aired in 2014. I have not seen this movie probably since 2014, but I remember that I deeply deeply loved both the short and the feature film. 

So though there are a metric fuck ton of movies on this list, and it would honestly be smarter overall of me to skip over the films I have already seen. There is no way in hell that I will be doing that for this film. I would like to experience the nostalgia, thank you very much. 

As a note, while I am slowly starting to embrace “disabled” as an identity for myself, I do not have Leo’s disability, and would be curious to hear if anyone who is legally blind has seen this film and what their thoughts on the portrayal of blindness in it is. Obviously you do not have to do that. So with the acknowledgement that the actor who plays Leonardo is not blind in real life, I think it is time to talk about this film!

I love that you can tell immediately this is going to be a gay film because it opens with a pool scene, and as we should all know by now, the pools are for the gays. I think this film does an incredible job of setting up Leonardo’s blindness for the audience both in the way that she does not properly disguise her smile at the joking suggestion that Leo and her kiss because she knows Leo can’t see her reactions as well as in the very casual way Leo continues to talk to Giovanna after she has dipped underneath the water again because he cannot see where she went.

I like that much of Leonardo’s character really revolves around straining against the barriers his parents have placed around him, and being a normal teenager. It is very important to me in pieces that include disability that the disabled person is portrayed as close to a normal person as they can be. Leonardo doesn’t communicate with his parents when he decides to stay out late, he sneaks out of his house, he has a crush on a boy he isn’t quite sure likes him back. Walt Junior in Breaking Bad gets in fights with his parents and gets mad at his mom because she takes away the fancy car Walt bought him. Heart in Moonlight Chicken sneaks out, and wants to learn how to drive a moped, and work a job.

It is possible to show where someone’s limitations are and the adaptations that exist as a result of them, while ensuring that you are not doing what Leo’s mother is often doing and infantilizing her teenage son because she is worried about his safety (which is like, also just a Mom thing so I’ve heard). 

Something that I have noticed in a few of the romance plots that involve disabled characters (since this entire syllabus is a build up to watching BLs I will use The Way He Looks and Moonlight Chicken as my comparison points here) is that the disabled character is often treated with kid gloves by the people who have known them the longest, and that a new character comes in that is generally unfamiliar with their disability, can forget they have it, and generally treats the disabled character with far more normalcy than the rest of their friends and family. 

And that trend exists in both The Way He Looks and in Moonlight Chicken. In Moonlight Chicken, Li Ming meets Heart, doesn’t understand that he is Deaf initially, but then does start learning sign language, but even as he learns sign language sometimes he will catch himself starting to speak without signing, forgetting that Heart can’t hear him, and then he will stop mid-sentence and correct his behavior. In The Way He Looks, Gabriel frequently makes comments or suggests activities that rely on sight and remind Leonardo and the audience that Gabriel forgets about Leo’s disability. I like this in the way that Leo is trying to show the people in his life that he can be independent, and they are having a difficult time adjusting to that reality. His parents worry for his safety and Giovanna wants to believe that Leo needs to rely on her and her help because she has a crush on him and wants to keep him close. 

And while I am not blind, and I do not interact frequently with blind people in person, I will say that one of my favorite moments in this film is when Gabriel walks Leo home by himself for the first time, and forgets to tell Leo about possible hazards on the sidewalk. This continues to affirm that while there are positives to Gabriel forgetting Leo’s disability in terms of allowing Leo to have more freedom and to get new experiences, like going to the movies, that Gabriel isn’t perfect and that for all the independence Leo wants, there are going to be things that he will want or need help with that people have to be prepared to enact. I love this moment too for the fact that Gabriel apologies, Leo says “it’s alright, you’ll warn me next time” and still allows Gabriel to keep their arms linked while also pulling out his cane so that he can have a safer and more secure understanding of the sidewalk in front of him and identify any potential hazards himself. And I love even more that he continues to use his cane for days or weeks after he stumbles over a tripping hazard until Gabriel tells him he can put the cane away (an indication that he feels comfortable with his role in helping Leo navigate without having to be explicit about it).

There are lots of wonderful little details in Ghilherme’s performance, and even in the props and sets. More than once in the movie, someone will touch Leonardo, kiss him on the cheek, etc and he will very subtly jerk back, caught off guard by not being able to see the action coming. You can see his walking cane sticking out of the side pocket of his backpack. At home, Leo is frequently in the dark, which is double fun because lots of gay shit happens in the dark, and because it is yet another subtle reminder that Leo is totally blind. He has no use for lights.

I like that Leo’s friends and teachers don’t just let abuse happen to him, and will interject if they see classmates act out of line, but I also appreciate that Leo does not really seem that bothered or impacted by the bullying he faces. We never see him breakdown about it, we never really see him lose his spark. He never appears to be worried about what people will do or say to him. His biggest hang up for about half the film is the fact that his best friend is mad at  him and won’t talk to him, and that he wants to study abroad. That is primarily what he worries about. Yet he isn’t one of the stoic sufferers either, we get to see those little moments of self consciousness, when he says he can’t dance, when he waits to go in to the showers until everyone else has left because it’s awkward, etc. 

I love that there is not suffering in this film, even as there are direct and indirect references to ableism and homophobia. Leo’s bullies make comments about how being friends with Gabriel have turned Leo more masculine, they make comments about Gabriel and Leo being in a relationship just because they are linking arms to Gabriel can guide him, Gabriel kisses Leo and then runs away immediately afterwards. Leo’s bullies wave their fingers an inch in front of Leo’s face close enough where he feels something is maybe off but can’t tell what it would be, they make comments about the machine he uses to take notes, they try to get him to kiss a dog during the spin the bottle game. And for all that these moments of cruelty exist, the bullies are literally silenced at the end and the main bully is made to look like a fool with the acknowledgement of Gabriel and Leonardo’s relationship. All of the bully’s friends start laughing at him, when Leo stops and takes Gabriel’s hand. Giovana is upset that Leo has a crush on Gabriel, not because he is gay, but because she had a crush on Leo and is realizing that she has no chance with him. 

Considering this is a movie in the race, disability, and class section I do kind of wish that we could have gotten a bit further into the intersection of disability and queerness here, two oppressed and marginalized identities.  But ultimately, it is not that kind of film and that is totally okay. 

By, For, About 

Again, I do not know for certain the sexuality of the people who are involved in the storytelling elements of this show, but I think I am leaning towards By and About queer people. Because being queer is not the central aspect of this story to me, rather the mounting desire for independence and general high school friend drama is far more prominent of a theme in this film, I do not think it is for queer people. 

It is wonderful, and there are many moments in it that do not let you forget these characters are queer. Leo masturbates wearing Gabriel’s hoodie, Gabriel sees Leo naked in the shower and gets a boner, etc. But for me this story is about possibility, independence, friendship, and love rather than The Queer Experience™. 

Favorite Moment 

I am torn between two. The first being the movie theater scene and the second being the eclipse scene. Ultimately they have similar vibes which is why it’s hard for me to choose.

In the movie theater scene, Gabriel has just prior learned that he and Leo both wanted to procrastinate on their history project, and Gabriel suggests they go see a movie, forgetting Leo can’t see. But Leo agrees to go, and we get this really beautiful moment of Leo getting a chance to lean in close to Gabriel (ah the intricate rituals to touch the skin of other men) and to ask him to narrate what is going on. I love it because it shows us this gentle way of Leo helping Gabriel to adapt the theater experience, and the fact that they are whispering back and forth to one another feels like they are telling secrets, even as Gabriel is simply telling Leo what he is seeing on screen. I love too the aftermath of that movie trip being that Giovana is upset that she wasn’t invited, and though we don’t get much more than a line from Leo akin to “we never go to the movies” that line itself speaks volumes, at least to me, about the boxes that Leo’s loved ones have put him in. Leo is blind, so why would he ever go to the movies? He can’t see what’s on screen. Yet because Gabriel at that point in the film often forgets that Leo is blind, Leo is able to experience something new and to find a way to guide Gabriel so that they can both enjoy the experience.

Similarly, Leo is invited by Gabriel to go and watch the lunar eclipse, before Gabriel once again realizes that Leo cannot see it. But Leo still agrees, and we get another beautiful moment where Gabriel tries to explain what an eclipse is and what it looks like to Leo. We get this tender moment where Gabriel has an excuse to gently touch Leo’s cheek as he asks “You know how your face is warmed by sunlight?” at the beginning of his explanation (ah, the intricate rituals that allow men to touch the skin of other men). I love that Gabriel and Leo are once again able to share a moment, once again in the dark, and this time Gabriel does not have to be guided towards narrating the view as much as Leo asks a single question and Gabriel tries multiple ways of discussion the concept until he sees what explanation clicks in Leo’s head. 

Favorite Quote

“Leo, if you had ever stolen a kiss from someone, how would you give it back?”

This entire script is wonderful, but there is absolutely no better line than this one. This is one of the last lines of the film, and Gabriel asks it after he has finished casually providing information about his crush until Leonardo picks up on the fact that Gabriel is talking about him. 

Score 

10/10.

God, truly, I feel like maybe I’m too lenient on these films, because I don’t think I’ve scored anything below a 9 yet. But it’s not my fault that I am thoroughly enjoying my time.

[sits criss cross applesauce in front of you] Tell us more about Oscar

Alright, this'll be a bit long!

Basics: Oscar Kit Landry - recently turned thirty - 6'2 - butch lesbian - custodian who works as a handyman on the weekends (because if she's not constantly doing Something what's the point)

Oscar grew up in Southport, NC and was raised by her uncle after her mom split town after Oscar was born — as a result, the both of them were real close so a lot of things she enjoys doing now are just things he showed her when she was younger (fishing and keeping spiders as pets, primarily).

She dropped out of high school at seventeen to take care of her uncle after he fell sick with something he never told her the name of.

She left Southport when she was twenty-four because a couple years prior her uncle passed away and her manner of coping was a mixture of overworking herself or getting into fights with whoever she could piss off. In such a small place with folks who all knew of and knew each other in some capacity, getting the reputation of being a shit stirrer wasn't exactly great. She traveled around a lot down south before eventually settling down in Boston, MA at twenty-five.

While she was traveling around, she picked up two kittens from some gas station in Virginia; she wound up calling the short-haired calico "Boy" and the short-haired white one "Lookit you" because she's emotionally stifled enough to think officially naming a pet would get her too attached to it. Laughably, Boy and Lookit you rode around with her none unlike very elated dogs, even if they slept most of the time.

Her truck is actually her uncle's old red pickup. Every so often it acts like it's going to croak but she's very persistent on driving it until it literally cannot be patched up enough to.

Oscar has a relatively thick southern drawl that makes her impossible to understand with how fast she talks so she's having to learn how to speak slower.

She's generally seen as a kind person, something of a gentle giant (if you will), really loyal to the handful of people she's close to but she fails to be the most truthful individual and she has a major issue with her impulse issues that blend very badly with her explosive temperament. She loves to run her mouth, what else can I say.

Oscar has a trio of jumping spiders that are all called "little one" because, again, we can't get too attached to our pets.

Oscar's always tried to emulate her uncle because she thinks he was great but quiet self worth issues continually make her think she's being a decent person the worst anyone's ever done it <3.

Despite this, however, she has a "friend" - Rosalie - who she's spent the last five years helping raise the daughter of. Much to her chagrin, she hasn't managed to make the daughter all that interested in fishing.

In conclusion, she's my beloved — take an excerpt!!

aww 🥹

TPOL!JK

you’re confused when he says recent exe and as he goes in depth about that “recent exe” you realize he’s talking about you. your cheeks heat up and you’re smiling when he says he would do anything to have her back, her being you.

you hear him go on and on about how much he misses you and how he would give anything to have you back in the penthouse with him. because of you, he was eating funfetti pancakes for breakfast and he wasn’t always pissed off when he came to work. because of you, he began to smile more and finally busied himself with something else other than paperwork.

now that you’re away from him, he feels dull again and very lonely. you’re the first person he thinks of when he wakes up and the last when he goes to sleep. it’s all about you so this “friendship” although he’s happy to still be close, he misses the days you would kiss him like he would disappear and you would fuss at him when he hasn’t ate. he could go on and on and on because you mean that much to him and so to “match his energy” per say, you tell him about your recent exe.

“you know, my recent exe is an asshole. he can be pretty mean, a thorn in my side, and his patience is as thin as paper which i’m kind of surprised he even asked to be my friend. but, despite his butthole tendencies, he’s super sweet, so damn hot like he calls me beautiful but i really don’t think he looks in a mirror often because wheeeew, anyways, he treats me like i’m the only girl in the world and genuinely cares about me. did i mention my mom absolutely loves him? he even helps take care of my mother and calls me his princess but i wish he’d understand that just because i’m his princess it doesn’t mean i’m a baby. i want to take him back but i’m scared he’ll hurt me again because i keep taking him back…and i miss him too”

His eyes actually widen, when you start talking about your recent ex. Which is obviously him it doesn’t take him long to connect the dots.

He gives you a shy smile, and puts his hand on the table and signals for you to give yours into his. When you finally put your hand in his hand, he squeezes it tightly.

“did you just say that I have a butthole attitude? Wahhh yn you can be pretty mean too.” he pretends to be hurt. “really you miss me too?” His eyes soften. His heart is actually beating so fast right now.

It’s like he’s floating in the air, almost. Your words means so much to him because he really thought that you had lost every feeling you had for him.

“but I am serious. I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you. I don’t think I have loved anyone before you anyways… no one has ever mattered to me the way you have..” he has to let you know how he feels about you, and how regretful he is.

“ and don’t think that I’m just saying this because I want you to pity me and get back together that’s not at all what I want.” He sighs. “ I just…. It just feels right to tell you how I really feel about you.” he closes his mouth and then inhales. “you are the color in my gray dark world yn. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

He looks down, almost ashamed. “I think I will always love you… I just wish I had treated you the way you deserved.. I’m sorry that I always let my jealousy get the best of me.. I’m so sorry.”

“but I cannot stop loving you and it hurts me to be away from you and see you with others. I cannot stand it. My heart aches. I don’t like that feeling… it’s almost like someone is setting my heart on fire whenever I see you smiling like once you did with me and now with someone else.. it almost makes me want to die.”

I'm trying so hard to pretend that I'm okay, but the truth is no I'm not. I'm just not. I'm frantically cleaning the house, then I just lose a day doing I have no idea what, then I'm working for fourteen hours straight, then I'm cleaning the house again because to stop feels impossible. I sleep at night, kind of. For fifteen hours or for five, no in-between. Yeah, not healthy.

Under the cut — some personal stuff I just needed to vent out. tw death and suicide.

My father died more than two months ago. We weren't close for a long fucking time; he had a drinking problem, and I cannot for a life of me keep up social connections when I'm not living with a person under the same roof. I don't think we even talked since my birthday, and that was fucking September.

I know he loved me, I don't have a problem with that. We were really close when I was little. Then my little brother grew up a bit, and I became a teenager, and I don't think he actually knew what to do with a depressed teenage girl. It was easier for him to get closer to my brother. I'm pretty sure I forgave him for that. Both of them. I get why that happened. (It does still feel unfair though)

And then his health went south, and then he was drinking, and drinking, and drinking. At first it was to keep the pain away, or that's what he said. Then it just became a thing. He was already drunk at one pm and he was still drunk in the evening and that was going on for weeks without him getting sober.

He did drink before, but not that much and not that often. Sometimes he was just really talkative, sometimes he became angry. I don't remember much of that from my childhood; I only know that I'm terrified of drunk people. I had a panic attack once when I heard some drunk students outside my place; I was behind a locked door, and still I was having a panic attack, just because they were there, and I was alone and scared. I almost had a nervous breakdown when at a concert a guy on stage tried to be cool and poured some champagne on the crowd and I couldn't get rid of the smell of alcohol on my skin, I could still smell it days after the concert. I can't fully trust people if I see them drinking, even if it's one bottle of beer and I've known that person for years, I just can't fully trust them again if I once saw them drinking. Sometimes I think that maybe my father did something not good when I was a child and my memory just buried it. Because there has to be a reason for this phobia, right? I'm not sure if I want to know. I'll never know now, I guess.

When he started to drink all the time, he was mostly depressed and sometimes angry. He said we didn't love him and respect him. He said to me once that one day I might come home from school and find his body hanging from the chandelier. I wasn't in a good place myself then; I just thought "well, we'll see who will be the first one to hang". It was like seven years ago. I can still hear his voice saying that in my head.

He wasn't someone who would go to therapy; he just kept drinking. I went to university, I finished it, I came back home, and he kept drinking. Mom left him. He lived alone for a year.

He died of cirrhosis. We didn't even know until a week later when one of his friends called my mom and said that he hadn't heard from dad for a while. We were just in time to get him a proper burial — a couple of days later he would be buried as an unclaimed body. He died in his house, he managed to call an ambulance, he had all the documents and his phone on him — nobody just bothered to call us, or his sisters, or anyone at all.

It made me so angry. It still does, but then I was just angry, nothing else — at the police, at the guys at the morgue, at those funeral agents, and, more than anything, at him. The fact that it was alcohol of all things that killed him. He had a lot of health issues, he had a chronic illness that was trying to kill him since his twenties, he was suicidal — and he died of a fucking cirrhosis. I wasn't even grieving at that point, I was just so so angry.

The thing is, he drank so much that at some point I had to admit that the Dad I loved and admired so much as a child is already gone. We used to talk for hours about everything, he used to take me fishing and skiing and swimming and whatnot, he used to be there for me, and at some point all of that was gone. Alcohol killed it. Killed him long before killing his body. I really thought that I had accepted it and mourned it. I really thought I was kinda okay with his death since we didn't even properly talk for years.

I really am not even close to being okay.

I live in his flat now — or rather in the flat that was his for this last year and that was my childhood home. I was going through his things these past few days. I'm a fucking mess.

It's not a flat of an alcoholic — it's not in ruins or anything. It's a flat of a very lonely and very depressed person who had nothing but the past to hold onto. The photos from my parents' wedding are there, and little handmade presents that my brother and I made for him when we were little.

And it's not that I feel guilty for losing connection with him — he was drinking hard during this year and he wasn't going to do anything about it. We tried to get him to get some help, he just never did. It's just... so sad. He was brilliant, he was so loving and loved. And I can't help but think about how he felt during this year. And how he felt before he died.

I was so angry at the funeral. I thought — maybe he was so drunk he didn't see that coming. Maybe he was so drunk he didn't notice his skin turning yellow until it was too late.

But the thing is, he wasn't drunk. He was going to paint the wall, the paint and brushes were still there when we came. There was a cup of coffee he made for himself, and a pot of porridge. It's not something a drunk person would do.

A part of me was so relieved it wasn't a suicide — it would haunt me for the rest of my life, I would probably bury myself in guilt for not doing anything after he told he was thinking of killing himself. What could I do, I was a fucking teenager with a self-harm problem, but still. I was relieved he didn't actually kill himself. But I can't help but think — maybe he didn't call for help before it was too late because he didn't want to. Maybe it was a conscious choice. Maybe he wasn't ready to kill himself directly, but he accepted death when it came to him.

I don't think this thought makes me feel better. It really doesn't, actually. But I guess I'll never know what happened that day — I'm not even sure I want to know.

A part of me hoped to find something in his things — a note or something like that. Probably not a diary, he never had one, but something. An old letter to the future. Anything, really.

All I got was lots and lots of sigarettes, some mild sedatives and anti-stress pills, and all those things from the past all around the place. He didn't really change anything here since mom left. Maybe he hoped she would come back. She never did. It was getting to the point when he almost punched her.

I have no idea why I'm writing all this. I guess I just needed to vent it out somehow, and it's somehow easier to write it in English rather than in my native language. Also I have a problem talking to friends about such things, and my mom seems to try not to think about him at all. Can't blame her, really.

If you're still here for some reason, thank you for reading all this. It's really not the content that was supposed to be in this blog. Sorry.

Hi!! First of all, I have to say that I loved the episode because Buck is an amazing character and Oliver was incredible as an actor.

But not gonna lie, I’m a little bit disappointed (probably my own fault, too much fics consumed…haha!) about how they handled the Eddie content… I know he was affected for the chance of losing Buck, but at the same time, it felt like something was missing (don’t know if I’m explaining myself correctly)

What I’m trying to say is that at this point, I cannot really see buddie being canon, not because another love interest is going to appear or something like that, just because I think the show runners are not brave enough to do it.

Sorry for bothering you with the message, not my intention to annoy anyone with my pessimism. Maybe I’m just tired after a 24h shift and tomorrow I will see things differently ;)

Thanks so much,

B

Oliver was phenomenal!

I loved this episode for him! He was so good!!

I think, even if we didn't read and write fics, we would have still been disappointed.

Because in other shows, the focus is on the reaction of the people most close to you on a daily basis, (for those who watch Chicago Fire, and Station 19 and similar shows, all those characters have families, some closer than others, but the focus is often on the reaction of the people inside the firehouse, of those closest to them.) They don't outsource the drama to random characters unless there is a fundamental reason for it.

Like Vic's parents restaurant set on fire, or Travis' father being closeted gay who cheats on Montgomery's mom.

Or Casey's mother sprung out of jail in Chicago Fire, or Severide's dad showing up to stir the pot and Severide trying his damnedest to not be his old man.

There is a reason, but the injuries, the worry, the angst, the aftermath is always told from how it affects the firehouse and its people, the chosen family.

Vic recuperate with her boyfriend and her best friend, Andy helped Gibson through his hard time.

In Chicago Fire, Casey and Severide roomed together on two different occasions, helping each other through hard times.

So, really, it's not just the buddie thing. It's the firehouse and chosen family thing.

The showrunners, they lack conviction, they're waffling, and I think that's what gets us.

Because if it were two women, no one would have thought twice about getting them together.

Here, there is some psychological barrier that prevents the showrunners from following through on what they got rolling.

And I get the frustration and the crisis of faith, because it's all fucking there, but no one has the pair to make a definitive decision.

I'm waiting to see what comes next, I haven't lost hope in buddie yet, but something better give soon because it is kinda getting ridiculous.

I hope your shift went well. 🙏🤗

up and about to cry because i realize that ive made myself too vulnerable.

multiple people in this city know im trans i shouldve hidden myself better. at least they have the respect to keep quiet about it. i hate it i hate it i hate it SO much.

my friend in this city knows too but i see the way he talks about other trans men. defaults to "she" when he hears them talking in a higher pitch. would he have talked to me in the same way if my pitch was a little higher? god that makes me self concious. what about my hips? fucker calls me breedable and in the beginning when he didnt know he said id make "a good femboy" as if i wouldnt rip out his throat if he said that again.

ive been trying to be more open about my interests but i realized AGAIN that it only makes me a target. a lot of people like to throw weird looks when i get passionate about something i like or get into the humor i learned for myself and like to say "oh you know we dont mean it!" but i know. ive always know. maybe they lied and find it annoying just like anybody else because fuck why would they not? i am annoying and embarassing to be around in public. i walk weird i talk weird i look weird, i literally look like a twelve year old which is also a joke often made about me but im starting to suspect that maybe its just an insult.

maybe JUST MAYBE theyre not laughing with me theyre laughing at me and i cannot tell the difference, which brings up tons of trauma from my past that i DO NOT like to explore.

another thing is the way they like to spend time with me. one of my current friends is desperately in need of a relationship (or dick, cannot tell) which means he gets flirty and too close with me as well. i said im going to a concert this november and the immediate reaction was "why not with me :(((" because im going with my mom and idk what you would try if you were alone with me at a concert. "were going on trips again together this summer arent we? but you HAVE to bring your hot friend 🥺🥺" you can also just invite him on your own you dont have to drag me along if you want him so bad. maybe i want to go on trips on my own without you.

what have i learned? keep to myself. push current friends away because are they really friends? I AM MEANT TO BE ALONE. its all only gonna hurt in the end. this is the most social i have ever been in years and i feel like, and this is gonna make me sound like a dick but idc, I ONLY HAVE DISADVANTAGES BECAUSE EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKS ME FOR HELP BUT I CANT ASK THEM FOR HELP BECAUSE I CAN DO MOST THINGS NOT ONLY ON MY OWN BUT ALSO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE I KNOW.

theyre mostly only using me anyway. i have nothing to lose. paranoia won today

12.11.2022

I just realized it would be 11 days til my birthday is up. But yeah, I think or I can feel that my long time crush since college feels the same way with me...but I'm only guessing.

(I have written a blog here telling a story of how I started to fall for this guy and about our recent interaction when he invited me to his friend's TLAT watch party - so if you're interested I will find it and link it here)

So we were in a church gathering and when it was finished, my mom and I were walking through the crowd when I saw my crush (let's call him Rain) and my mom also noticed him. Note, my mom knows I have a crush on him and that was like 7 years ago. So yeah anyway my mom told me to run to him and without thinking, I wrapped/held my arms around his so we're walking pretty close. He was stunned then he looked at me and relieved he said, "ah, it's you!"

And man, I felt that his arms became relaxed around my hold and also he's like squeezing me close to him bc we were also walking through a large crowd. I keep looking at the back to see if my mom could still see me and goodness she did.

Within a minute of that, my mind is all over the place. I'm nervous but also relaxed. It's an intense feeling - maybe it's just me. But anyway, so my mom reached us where we stopped. We let go of each other's arms and my mom talked with him (they know each other- we we college mates and have the same friend group. Basically, my mom is their "auntie"). They talked about how often he will visit the church and how often he'll see me now bc he recently transferred to our locale and he told my mom, "I think I'll see <my name> more often now" with his face beaming. I cannot help but blush when he said that to my mom.

Am I supposed to assume that he has intentions now to court me or is he just saying that as something funny?

With my time with him thinning, we saw his dad waving at us and it seems they're in a hurry to leave. My mom suggested that before he leaves, him and I should have our picture taken. Idk what's with my mom but I love her for being so supportive 🤣 thanks mom! So in the middle of the crowd, we paved our way to a small corner and there, we took a picture. A picture I cannot stop looking for like hours now.

When he's about to leave, his younger sister arrived and called him that they should go. We talk for a bit asking her if she could still remember me (I was always invited to hang out at their house back in college so I know his family too). However, she can't seem to remember me...maybe bc I had my hair dyed and short now not like the long hair beyond the waist kind of length I had before. Anyway, we said our goodbye and my mom and I can't stop giggling about what just happened.

When I got home, which is also the only time my phone will be connected to the internet, I received a message from him.

"How're things? Could you send our picture earlier. I want to see"

When I sent it to him, he said...

"Why do I look ugly when I'm beside you?"

Our picture looks like those old couple photos from your parent's album back when they were young. Our smiles were simple but I think it was very memorable to both of us.

And there, we just talked about stuff and work then we went ahead to play online games with friends. It was a good night. I really had a good time and it's been so long since.

What do you think? Am I special to him? Or am I just another girl friend?

Do know that he's friendly with anyone and nothing wrong with that. That is his personality. I just wanted to know if my feelings are similar with him. Urgh it's been 7 years since I also confessed that I have a crush on him and up to this day, I think he remembers that very well. He's that kind of guy too. Remembers little things and stuff. And he's cute and handsome. My mom told me that she thinks the reason why I liked him is that he's my complete opposite. He's a calm and firm person while me - a chaotic and weird one.

I had many crushes in the past, but he's only the guy who stuck around me. That even though we went through the awkward part of our friendship, he's still there for me. (Tbh, we didn't speak for 2 years). But here we are now, bonding and building our friendship for the long run.

I just wish it could be more than that. And that he, is the one. My one.

Thanks for reading through my nonsense babbling. I just need to scream out my feelings somewhere and tumblr is my safe space. I don't trust my irl that much to tell them about my feelings towards him bc that might ruin everything. So yeah, let me know what you think and if you have ideas on how to cope about this kind of stuff, please do tell me bc I NEED IT SO BAD - my autistic and ADHD brain cannot handle this 😭👉👈

Wishin you a good day!

survey #039

(i sure do have a thing for actually *posting* surveys the day after doing them... ooooops)

Do you like the person you’ve become over the past years? There are some things I like about this me, and other things I really, really don't. Have you ever gone to church just to get a significant other? Considering I quite frankly don't want to date a religious person, obviously not. Do you know anyone who can sing screamo music? I probably do, growing up being friends with the metal-loving crowd, but I'm not aware of it. What’s something that you hate, but can’t live without? Having to eat meat for me to survive. I don't hate OTHER people whatsoever for eating meat, our body is DESIGNED to eat it, but for me, myself, and I, I feel extremely guilty consuming it. I would just factually starve without it with how picky I am. What skill do you not talk about, because you feel it sounds like bragging? Oh, 120% my familiarity with German. I DREAD when people who know (almost always my mom) ask me to speak it and I butcher it TERRIBLY because I'm nervous, lol. I don't know how the logic here works out, but I feel like I'm bragging simply by knowing the basics and how to pronounce stuff and how to form simple sentences, a decent vocabulary, etc. It's not at all a flaw on her end, but I think it was caused by Mom, lol. Her face lights the fuck up with the biggest, most impressed smile when I answer a question about like what's being said in a Rammstein song or "how do you say this?" and that kinda stuff, and BECAUSE her reactions are always so passionate, I think it's kinda... dude I don't KNOW how to EXPLAIN it so I give up lmao. Do you think you’ll ever end up in rehab? No, I honestly don't. However, both mental hospitals I have been to doubled as rehab clinics, so does that even count? Who’s your favorite Kardashian sister? I know literally nothing about that family. Is there someone you absolutely cannot stand, but have to tolerate? Yes, my sister's husband. He's a misogynistic, homophobic, racist bigot that I have a VERY hard time understanding how he's married to Ashley. How often do you let cleavage show? Well I'm pretty much always in tank tops, so some is pretty inevitable. It's not something I put actual thought into, though. Most women have breasts, literally be an adult and get over it. What four states in the USA would you most like to visit? Which four countries would you most like to visit? Alaska, Wyoming, Arizona, and Hawaii. For countries, South Africa, Germany, Italy, and probably Ireland or maybe Greece. Would it bother you if your boyfriend hugged other females (think hypothetically if you don’t have one)? Why or why not? Uh, no? He's allowed to have platonic relationships with other women and express that he cares with a simple hug... Do you still talk to the first person you ever dated? If not, would you want to? Why or why not? No; I wouldn't mind like, keeping up w/ Aaron on Facebook or something, but I don't have a specific interest in being like, close friends, but I'm also not against it. Some people just drift apart. How would you describe your sexuality? Have you ever wondered whether or not you might be homo/bisexual? I'm pan but grew up thinking I was straight, so I obviously questioned it. Do you think that homosexual couples should be able to raise or adopt children? Why or why not? You are, from the VERY bottom of my heart, fucking unspeakable garbage if you think two loving and capable individuals, REGARDLESS of what's in their fucking pants, shouldn't be able to raise a child in need of parents. ABSOLUTE garbage. Think of your worst fear. What would you do if you were confronted with it right now? Shut up. Do you think that someone’s sexuality is something that they can control? Absolutely not. Tell me why conversion therapy is traumatizing if someone can just PICK what they wanna be attracted to. That's not how it works. What do you like most about your favorite animal? Their incredible loyalty, fearlessness, and boundless curiosity. I just love meerkats so much. What was the filling in the last doughnut you ate? I haaaate donuts with fillings. When you shop for new clothes, do you ask anyone else for an opinion? I do, but to be honest I don't put too much weight on other people's opinions of clothes I'M gonna be wearing, unless they have a strong point. Can you recall the last time you bought flowers for someone? What kind? I seem to remember getting some roses for Jason one year for Valentine's Day or... something. I really want to do that just randomly for Girt one day, for some reason I feel like he'd be particularly touched and not know how to act and please flustered him is ABSOLUTELY adorable, y'all don't fuckin know. And when was the last time someone sent flowers to you? What kind? I think the last time was when Tyler got me a bunch of roses the second fucking time we hung out as a couple. It was a sweet gesture, of course it was, but he was... a lot. Are there any books that you own more than one copy of? No. Do you have loyalty cards for any of your favourite stores? Which one(s)? The only one I know of for sure is Hot Topic. I don't shop by myself nearly enough for this. What does your favourite mask look like, if you have a favourite? I don't have any customized masks, they're just the normal, blue hospitalwear kind. What is your favourite Studio Ghibli film? I actually haven't seen any but wouldn't at all be opposed. If your best friend was a fictional character, who would he/she be? Why? Oh I dunno, I'd have to think hard on this. Certainly some really nice guy that doesn't give up on his friends. Likes dogs a fucking lot, lol. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? It's "Stripped (Heavy Mental Mix)" by Rammstein, and no it doesn't mean anything in particular to me. I just find it relaxing, haha. What flavour was the last cupcake you ate? I wanna say chocolate with vanilla icing. When was the last time you complimented a stranger? I'm not sure. Possibly when I went to the doctor for that nasty sinus infection, and I just had to know where my new doctor was from because his accent was the greatest. Gambia, btw. He also had BEAUTIFUL mis-matched and very vibrant eyes like tbh I think he might have been a cryptid. You can only have one flavour of ice-cream for the rest of your life. Which do you choose? Vanilla. Simple, and I could just add stuff. What’s the nicest thing your best friend has ever said to you? Oh Jesus CHRIST, I don't know. He has said so many beautiful and kind things to me that I just don't know. Hell, he literally did it this morning because he "doesn't do it enough" and I nearly cried lmao. Have you ever experienced a hangover? No. Who were the last 3 males you talked to? My cat lmao, Girt, and uh I'm actually not sure? Probably my doctor? Does the person love/like have a car? What colour is it? Yeah, it's... black or dark blue, I don't know how I'm unsure. Do you have any ice-cream in your freezer? What flavour is it? We don't, some would be nice though. Serious question, peanut butter or Nutella? Nutella, but it's very seldom I actually use it because we do NOT need a jar that is accessible to me in this house lmao. What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don't think she actually *has* one, because her first name is actually two. Do you like breadsticks? Hunny put me in front of some Olive Garden breadsticks and find the fuck out lmfao Honestly, have you ever danced naked? No. That's the last thing I want to do naked. What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? Probably downloading songs from Limewire, lmao. And you know, I don't quite know how to answer that because I DON'T know if my mom or dad ever really caught on. Like I'm full aware my mom knows I've pirated music now, but she doesn't give a shit. Did you eat cereal for breakfast today? I did, actually. That's normally what I have. Do your siblings text you? Not really. Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know, and I don't care. Let all of 'em be happy. Ever kissed someone who smokes? No, but I've been kissed by a smoker. What genre was the last song you listened to? Who provided the vocals? Metal; Till Lindemann. The last person you hung out with - do they have any tattoos? Not yet, but he shared with me one big one he actually really wants and I told him straight-up that this one would ruin my life if you know what I mean lmfao like sir I have other things I'd like to look at thnx Have you ever had a ring slip off your finger while you were wearing it? Yup, that's how I lost one my mom gave me down the sink drain. :( I was so bummed, it was this beautiful red heart gem set in a golden ring. What was the last song you heard for the first time, and really liked? I think that would be "I Wanna Be Your Slave" by Maneskin lmao, but the version I listened to was slowed down with reverb. Have you ever owned any pet birds? What kinds/colours? No, but for a long time as a kid I did want a cockatiel. How many times have you had sex within the past two years? Doesn’t have to be exact, a rough guesstimate? It's literally zero, lul rock n roll y'all Do you know anyone who claims to have the ability to see the future? No, I'd be very concerned if I knew someone like that. Do you like any songs from country music? Well yeah, I was a sincere country fan as a kid, and some of those songs remained beloved to me. I never actively listen to it now, nor am I even a fan, but once in a while you'll find a song in ANY genre I think and feel something for it. Does it scare you when the sky gets really cloudy and dark during the day? Once it reaches a certain level of "dark" by my standards? YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP because I am immediately thinking a tornado is possible. And then if you add some wind on top? Boy I am internally PANICKING lmao Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Yep, twice, and getting real close to doing it a third time. Have you ever liked someone and they were taken? Yep; trust me, I didn't stop wanting Jason back for a LOOOOONG time, and he started dating someone else kind of... alarmingly fast after we broke up. Not like *immediately*, but to have just left a very serious, long-term relationship... Are you more of a studs or hoops type of person when it comes to earrings? Studs. How many shirts do you have of your favorite band? I know i have at LEAST two Ozzy shirts (and a hoodie, haha), but none for Rammstein... yet. Trust me bitch, I will, lmfao. Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? I have seen this question for years and have NEVER understood it. I have NEEEEVER heard/seen someone call their boyfriend this, and I certainly wouldn't. What will (or was) the color of your wedding dress be? It'll probably be black. I wanna look more goth than I have in my entire life for my wedding, lmao. Do you ever watch anybody’s live stream of… anything, really? I go through phases of watching Hazelnuttygames' WoW stuff, but I haven't since I've been without a good laptop (historically Twitch has trouble for me on crappy ones like this one, lol). What’s the most impressive thing you can do with your hands? Uhhhh I can uhhhh... do this weird thing where I can entirely, seamlessly hide my thumb under my palm? I don't think that's "impressive" though, just probably like... an extra joint or something, idk. How about with your feet? I don't think I can do anything interesting w/ my feet. Or with your mouth? This question is a fucking setup lmao idk, nothing. What sorts of topics do you generally read on and follow? Meerkat behavioral studies come to mind first. I'll click on those fuckin' links so fast lmao What soundtrack do you listen to the most? Silent Hill 2. That's like my go-to "I need to chill the fuck out like ASAP" music. Was there a family secret you weren’t told about until you were an adult? I don't think so, no. I mean I didn't know my dad did fucking hardcore drugs before my sisters and I were born, but I don't think my age had anything to do with it; I literally only found out because I answered "no" to any drug history to a doctor over the phone and Mom was like "well actually..." Do you have an opinion most people you meet seem to disagree with you? Well it's not really something I ASK people, but I can quite confidently say most people wouldn't agree with my very firm suspicion that there was at least SOME government involvement in 9/11. I'd pretty much die on that hill after learning enough about the things that don't line up. Do you ever just sit around naked at home? ... No. I am very uncomfortable naked, and not just because I hate my body. I have NEVER liked it. I feel vulnerable. Is there a person, whose presence just melts your worries away? Literally Girt. What’s the filthiest non-pornographic movie you’ve seen? Uhhh... I don't generally watch "dirty" movies because they make me extremely uncomfortable, so idk. To be entirely honest I can't remember most of the movie, but I did see Cockblockers w/ a friend when it came out, and just remembering the premise, I'd ASSUME that? What kind of cigarettes does your best friend smoke? If they don’t smoke, name someone you know that does. He definitely doesn't smoke. My dad and stepmom both do, but idk what brand or whatever. Are you pro-life in any aspect? (in regards to abortion, the death penalty, etc) Nope. I explain my abortion standpoint enough, and my stance with the death penalty is I'm sorry, you do things to a certain, far extreme? You deserve to die. Now I do NOT think it should be common/an easy fate to be sentenced to, but there are some people who are just too fucking dangerous and wicked. What’s the longest shift you have ever worked? If you don’t have a job, what’s the longest shift you think you could endure? I don't know how long I'd last at a job. I have no upper body strength. What part of your body is the weakest? Lower/legs. They're just about fuckin' useless. Do you know anyone who doesn’t seem to be fond of animals? No, which I'm happy about because we would NOT get along. Does your place of employment have a uniform? What colour is it? N/A In terms of friendships, how important do you think it is, to share some common interests? In some cases, is it enough to simply like each other as people? Oh, I am 100% fine with there being like... no shared interests, just compatible personalities/moral compasses. That's what matters to me when it comes to simply being friends. Like yeah, it's definitely NICE to like the same stuff, but it's not a requirement at all. During the last week, has anything caused you to shake with laughter? Ha ha I don't think quite that hard, but bless 'im, Girt sure experienced this the last night he stayed over. Something we were watching got this guy fuckin' ROLLING into the absolute biggest laughing fits I've ever seen from him, and it was the greatest thing ever. He couldn't fuckin breathe and even the next morning Mom had to know what in the world was going on. I'd explain it but there's a lot of buildup and knowledge about how a game works to get it & I just don't feel like explaining it. Have your friends ever talked to you about the forms of contraception they use? What form of contraception do you prefer? No, I've... never had a reason to have a conversation about that. As for me, even though we haven't actually gotten quite to that point yet, we're both in agreement that not a goddamn thing is happening unless we're using/practicing three different types of it. I am NOT getting pregnant on my goddamn watch, because either end of that scenario would traumatize me. Has the last person you hugged ever made you cry? Yes, though I blame it fully on a REALLY bad PMS day that already had me in an incredibly fragile mood. Like I even told him this, I was being very oversensitive. If you told your parents that you were going to be a parent, how do you think they would react? Well, by saying I was going to be a parent, I'm translating that as I would go through with having the kid, which would almost certainly concern my parents immensely. They know I am NOT ready for that. I don't know WHAT they'd say, realistically.

hello! I wan wondering if you write for joker from wind breaker? If you do can you please make some hcs for him as a boyfriend?? Thank you!!

All right, I haven't read Windbreaker again for a while but I'll try since I have a lot of leftover Joker requests in my ask.

— Not a very affectionate person, it's his nature. However, he won't push you away if you want to shower him in any of your affection. He's not exactly shy, he simply doesn't see the point to it.

And honestly, if anyone sees his careless attitude as a free pass for you... well, they'll find out that Joker is surprisingly possessive.

— You probably have a close relationship with his siblings. They see him as a parental figure and the same is extended towards you. However, his siblings are a bit more open with you than he.

Mostly because they search for maternal affection from you compared to his rough personality. It makes him a bit disgruntled but as long as all of you are happy, he doesn't mind.

— Cannot care any less about what people think of him, but if anyone dared to mess with you, they will be at the end of your boyfriend's mercy. Even if he's not open in terms of verbal or physical affection, you'd know that he'll do about anything for you anyway.

He's really protective and more than anything, he's surprisingly mindful of the people he cared about. It often shows in the smaller things, like him picking the groceries or running errands for you.

— He's not straight-up aggressive when jealous but there's something looming about his presence. Boy is territorial and it shows. He's not one to get subtle or does he ever hide what he feels. Wouldn't even feel bad about getting jealous either. It's a messy ordeal.

On the flip side, he's actually easy to calm down if anyone else made him jealous, just pull him aside and shower him with love. If you were the reason that he's jealous, then he'd get more distant and sulky. Would need a while to sort himself out before he talks with you again.

— He can cook and he cooks more often than not, but since he got to eat your cooking, he got lazy about it. Whenever you came over to cook for him and the kids, he immediately puts up his legs. No longer his problems, he's out of there.

He'll try to help with preparing ingredients or grabbing anything that you need but the house didn't have. Otherwise, he's gone. You won't even see him loiter in the kitchen until it's time to eat. However, afterwards, he'll do the dishes. So win-win?

— As said before, not much for physical affection, but if you want to hold his hand, then he's not protesting. If anything, it's one of his preferred activities. It's a bit of a task since he's really tall and his pace is extremely fast since he's always on the hustle.

He did contemplate picking you up and carrying you around before for convenience but he was talked out of that idea fast.

— Does not like you around his Sabbath friends, even if you can handle them. He does not like the way any of them look at you, does not like how they use you to tease him, does not like it when Wooin even breathes in your direction.

He trusts Wooin as a business partner but Wooin is extremely skeevy, not that he's any better. But at least Joker can trust himself to think of your best interest... Wooin, however, unlikely.

— Will let you get away with even murder if needed. In fact, he might take it up upon himself to take the blame. However, when it came down to it, Joker would probably help you hide the body before anything.

You're abolished of wrongdoings in his eyes unless you do anything bad to his family. With enough trust, you'll even become family to him.

— Honestly, he grew up with boys so the much needed feminine touch was necessary for the household. The Wendy to their Lost Boys, if you will. There was one occasion where one of his brothers accidentally called you as mom and well.

Joker didn't know how to feel because, on one hand, he likes that you had integrated yourself into the family. One another, they should've called you big sister because you're meant to be their sister-in-law-

— Pretty much has your number as the speed dial in his phone, easier to reach out to you that way. Also, he's not one to replace his wallpaper of any measure but his line of work requires some level of secrecy.

Because of that, he does lock his phone with a code and fingerprint. However... you have access to both. Yup, you can unlock his phone with your finger print and his code is your birthday.

When in New York (Kelley O’ Hara x reader)

Part 2

You had just finished post game media following your game against New York Liberty. You weren’t a huge fan of doing media but it made it easier considering Seattle had won. 

You leave the conference room with Stewie who you had been doing the interview with.

“You seeing your family tonight” You shake your head.

“What about you?” She nods hers.

She bumps her shoulder into yours “Two New Yorkers beat New York in New York. Sounds like something to celebrate to me” She says and maybe she had a point.

You both walk into the locker room, some players have already left and some were still packing up.

“Y/N? Megan texted saying that her and a couple other teammates are at your parents restaurant and asked if we wanted to meet up with them” Sue asks.

Very few people knew about the family restaurant, you wanted to keep it a secret so that it could stay authentic. Your family was Italian and the restaurant was like a little piece of Italy in New York. The only people that knew where your Storm teammates and Megan, the honorary team mom.

You look at sue and she is giving you the look. After signing for the team she had taken you under her wing meaning that the two of you had got quite close.

“Ok, ok. No need to give me that look” You says.

After a quick shower and a change of clothes you leave the area, luckily for you the restaurant is only a few blocks away so you and Sue opted to walk saying that I would be your cool down / recovery.

“You said teammates” you says putting air-quotes around the word teammates “who’s there?” You ask.

“Alex and Kelley” she says which instantly bring a smile to your face.

“I thought that would cheer you up”

“Shut up”

You had a crush on Kelley, both Sue and Megan knew it. You met her last year when to US were playing in Seattle and Megan had invited you to a game. There was something about the defender that you really liked. You wasn’t if it was the fact that on the pitch she is a beast and off she is teddy but always had fun when you were with her.

You both enter the restaurant being greeted by your mom as soon as you come through the door.

“Mrs L/N nice to see you again” Sue says.

“Sue I have told you before, you can call me Maria” You mom says as she hugs you and sue makes her way to your friends.

“buon gioco dolce ragazza” (good game sweet girl) she tells you.

“grazie mamma” you reply kissing her cheek.

Meanwhile sue heads towards to table of soccer players.

She waves at everyone getting a mixture of hi’s and hello’s 

“Hi babe” She says kissing her girlfriend on the cheek. 

“Hi” Megan replies. “Where Y/N?” She asks noticing that you wasn’t behind sue.

“She’s in here somewhere” Sue says. She knew that you would probably been saying hi to your dad in the kitchen but she couldn’t tell them that.

“See Kel, you have a few more moments to get your crush in check” Alex jokes with her friend.

“Shut up!” Kelley replies.

“Hi guys” you say as to approach the table.

You notice Kelley staring at you so you take the opportunity to tease her.

“Like what you see?” You say making the defender blush.

“Have you ordered food yet?” You ask.

“No we were waiting for you. We know we are having though” Alex tells you as she hands you a menu.

“Thanks but I don’t need it” You say handing the menu to Sue who shakes her head letting you know she doesn’t need it either.

“You already know what you’re having?” Kelley asks.

“Not exactly” Sue says which confuses the others.

Looking around the restaurant you catch the attention of one of the waiters.

You let him know you are ready to order. 

Each of the women tell him what they want and then it is your’s and sue’s turn.

You look at sue and she nods her head.

“dì a gianni che avremo quello che consiglia” (tell gianni we will have what he recommends) Sue says 

“Certo” The waiter says.

You look at Sue and smile in approval.

“You getting very good, maybe time for a trip” You say.

“You speak Italian?” Kelley asks Sue.

“Y/N does and she has been teaching me for the past couple of years”

“Who is Gianni?” Alex asks.

“He is the chef here” You explain.

You start talking about the storm game when you mom bring across a bottle of limoncello hand you the bottle and 5 shot glasses.

“Grazie” You say

You pour everyone a glass and hand them out. 

“You get table service here?” Kelley asks.

“No, I asked for it when I came in” You reply.

You raise you class and everyone copies.

“Here to us. We change the game and provide hope for the next generation of female athletes” You say and everyone takes a sip except Kelley who shots it.

“You sip it Kel. If not you’ll be on the floor an hour” Megan says.

“You would know” you tease causing you and the forward to laugh.

“I will pour you another but this here” you say pointing to the bottle “is the real stuff, not something you find in a liquor store. It comes straight from a vineyard in Italy where this restaurant makes it’s wine” 

“You know a lot about this restaurant, the chef’s name and now where it makes it’d alcohol” Alex questions.

“What can I say, I have been coming here since I was a baby” you explain.

“that’s one way to put it” sue says under her breath, no quiet enough though as you send her a glare.

You look at Kelley as she takes a sip.

“Tastes better doesn’t it” She nods her head.

Your food arrives and you all say how nice it looks and smells. 

“Oh.my.god” Kelley says between mouthfuls.

“I agree, this is incredible. Megan how did you find this place? Alex asks.

“Y/N” Megan replies and Alex nods remembering that you said you came here when I was younger.

Conversation is small and simple as you all focus on your food.

You thank the waiter telling him the the food was delicious as he clears the table.

“Y/N can I ask you a question” Kelley asks.

“Only if I can ask you one?” 

“Why Italian and are you fluent” She asks

“I’m Italian so I had to learn in order to talk to family in Sicily”

“Prove it. Tell me something in Italian?” 

“quando ci siamo conosciuti pensavo fossi la persona più bella del mondo”

“Sounds very romantic” Alex says.

“What does it mean?” Kelley asks.

“it means ‘when we met I thought you were the most beautiful person in the world’” You tell her making sure to look her in the eyes when you say it.

Kelley is at a loss for words, what is she suppose to say to that. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable” You say slowly regretting what you said, not that you didn’t mean because you did.

“I’ll go get us some more drinks” you says excusing yourself from the table.

“Kelley” Alex says trying to get her friends attention.

“Does she say that kind of thing to everyone?” Kelley asks sue.

She shakes her head “She isn’t that type of person Kelley”

“You should tell her how you feel” Megan suggests.

Kelley shakes her head “what if she doesn’t feel the same way”

“You honestly think that after hearing what she just said” Alex says not believing her friends blindness.

You walk back to the table with two bottles of red wine.

“Dessert wine anyone?” You say trying to avoid the awkwardness. “trust me, this will be the best you tasted”

“It’s what they make in Italy right?” Alex says, you nod pouring her a glass.

Out of all the woman at the table to knew that Alex was the one that drank wine. You wait eagerly to see If she likes it. 

“Nice right”

Alex nods her head.

You all sip on your wine talking about everything and anything, for a moment you forget that you are all major athletes and it just feels like a group of friends catching up.

Once you are done Alex gets the attention of the waiter for the bill but he tells them that it has been settled.

She looks around the table confused but notices that Megan and Sue and looking directly at you.

“Y/N” 

“What? We don’t do this very often. Let me treat my friends”

“Thank you” Alex and Kelley say at the same time.

You are just about to leave when your mom comes to the table.

“Did you all enjoy your meal?” She asks. 

“It was incredible, I cannot wait to come back” Kelley says.

“I agree, I will definitely come back whenever we are in New York” Alex says.

“I’ll see you two soon ok” she says putting an arm around Sue and Megan. She had met them numerous times when she came to Seattle but her comment stumped the other two.

“Of course, next time your in Seattle you have to show me how to make your lasagne, I always eat the ones you make Y/N” Megan looks at you when you realises what she said.

It looks like your secret was about to get two new keepers.

“Alex, Kelley” your mom says now directed her attention to the other two soccer players “Any friends of my daughters are always welcome here”

“Wait, your daughter?” Kelley says looking at you confused.

“Meet my mom Maria” you say.

“This makes more sense. It is why you know so much about this restaurant” Alex says.

You nod your head.

You all make sure your way our of the restaurant. You had learned that Megan, Alex and Kelley were all staying in the same hotel as you and sue so you walked back together. Sue, Megan and Alex walk ahead leaving you and Kelley alone.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable earlier, it’s just that whenever I am near you I feel this connection and thought maybe you felt it too. I wouldn’t have said what I said if I didn't” you say

“I wasn’t uncomfortable, you caught me of guard. Nobody has every said something like that to me, definitely not in Italian” Kelley explains.

“I find that hard to believe, I mean look at you, you are beautiful” You say.

Kelley blushes again which you find adorable “ You were right before. I feel the connection too but I never did anything about it because we live so far away from each other”

“Can’t we just let ourself be happy even it it’s only a short period of time. We focus so much on the bigger picture that we don’t see what is right in front of us” You tell her.

“What do you have in mind?” She asks and you smile, you had wanted to do this for a quite a while.

“When do you leave New York?”

“Not until the day after tomorrow” 

“Perfect! Have breakfast with me?”

“I would love to” she replies.

Kelley stops walking “for the record, I find you very beautiful too”

You smile holding you hand out and she takes it.

You walk back to the hotel hand in hand, not talking just making the most of each others company whilst you can.

Red, like blood. Blue, like love.

Content warnings: rape/noncon; nsfw; bullying; soulmates au

Prompt: 88 & 183

There’s someone for everyone, you’d learned growing up.

 "Remember, blue means happy," your mother would say. "The happiest you'll ever be.”

She liked reminding you about this fact— for it is an indisputable truth, every so often when she could still carry you. You’d be hugged from the back, as she recounted stories of first meetings, serendipitous and life changing in their nature; belonging to those who’ve lived long before you, sometimes even those who’ve only lived in tales.

Mostly, your mother loved telling those involving the people she knew. And if you’ve behaved properly, she would tell you about hers. 

Tracing your palm, starting from the forked lines to the dashed ones on your fingers, she’d say, “These would start to glow like stars.”

“That’s weird!” you’d burst out, shrieking a laughter as she tickled you. 

“Listen carefully,” she chastised. “Blue is for your soulmate, okay?”

And you’d repeat: Blue is for my soulmate.

“Then, mama,” you tugged at her sleeves, “What if it’s really, really bright red! Like! Bloody glow sticks! Say, mama, you see, everyone at the park was talking about the man who died because he touched someone and his hand became bright re— ”

You never brought that up again. What your mother said about it had been enough to never make you forget.

“Tell me if you get red,” she said firmly, clutching your arms as if she feared someone would snatch you away from her. “Red is bad, my heart. Red means run.”

 It hadn’t nearly been as gruesome as your mother made it out to be. 

Case in point, when you turned twelve the couple three houses down your street found out, shortly after their honeymoon, that their palms gleamed a fierce red once they clasped each other’s hands in front of the neighborhood aunties.  

Their marriage ended with a swift and ordinary divorce, a year or so later.

Red: Not just an ominous warning for homicide, then. That was a relief, you’d thought.

Contrary to how your mother framed it, you were thankful, actually. It helped some of your friends escape from potentially hellish relationships. How lucky is it that you lived in a reality where the universe seemed exceedingly benevolent. Though, you sometimes have to question if that generosity extended to everyone.

Fat lot of good it did for you. 

Because, from where you’re standing, it doesn’t have to take some arbitrary and unsolvable scientific mystery to heed that Oikawa Tooru must be avoided like the plague.

Any person in your shoes would be conditioned to do exactly that. 

You’d first met in Elementary. You thought he was the prettiest kid you’d ever seen, with chestnut curls and doe eyes and lashes that swept past his cheeks, and when you’d asked for a hand shake he’d called you “the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen” and “fart face.” 

Recess and lunch were when he’s most fearsome. Spiky burdocks slapped on the collar of your dress; dead lizards in your food; the boy was determined. The worst part was that it always happened when no one was looking. And if someone were, it was his best friend. So when you finally told on him to your mom, both your teacher and the principal simply judged Oikawa as the victim of an attention deprived child.

“Please discipline your daughter,” they told her. “We are all aware of your situation at home, but do ensure that she’s not getting out of control.”

You couldn’t even muster up the strength to defend yourself. In that moment all you could do was swear that you’d never allow anyone to talk to your mother in that way again. 

You moved out of that school. 

You didn’t wait for your palms to flash a warning signal because, somehow, you knew that boys who discover early that they could get away with anything cannot get any better. 

There’d been no way to be sure of that until Aoba Johsai— after a peaceful interim of no Oikawa; no red palm lines (and no blue ones, either).

The proof hit you in the face. Literally. 

“Oi, Shittykawa!”

Heat permeated from your nostrils as you patted your cheek, detached and staring back at the large gymnasium. 

“You hit someone!”

How unlucky did a person have to be to bleed right on the first day of classes? 

You tried to lean forward. “It’s okay,” you slurred nasally, pinching your nose and averting your embarrassed gaze from the boy kneeling next to you.

“Trashykawa! You better hurry and apologize!”

“Don’t be mad, Iwa-chan,” that disgustingly saccharine voice came from behind you, making you flinch, as if the years you’d spent apart had done nothing to purge it out of your system.

In all honesty, you hadn’t really cared for whoever was responsible for the ball that careened all the way to where you were standing, so sure that it had to be an accident. No one in their right mind would want to injure someone they barely knew, especially if said someone is a couple of feet away from you. 

Morally and athletically, it should’ve been improbable. But then you saw who did it and everything made perfect sense.

Iwa-chan. The boy beside you. Iwaizumi Hajime.

If he’s here, then— 

“You,” he whispered. 

“Eh?! Gosh, I’m so sorry!” Oikawa Tooru gasped. “You’re bleeding.”

Time is cruel. It wears down on you, tears you and molds you into something you can’t even recognize, if it decides to. (Fate, more so). You didn’t know if you wanted to cry or laugh, looking at him. If the universe were so benevolent, then perhaps Oikawa Tooru had received all of its favor.

He was beautiful. You’d known this before, but with all the baby fat replaced with sharp yet slender angles, figure lean and imposing even when he’d lowered himself to meet your eyes, Oikawa didn’t seem real.

“I did hit someone, didn’t I?” he pouted, wiping the dried blood atop your lip. “And such a pretty girl, too.”

That volleyball existed should’ve made life better for you. It didn’t. If anything, it seemed that out of the court, when he’s not taking names and being praised like a god, you were his little pastime. Something fun to take his mind off whatever it is he thinks about it. 

The mocking comments, you could handle; every time you’d recite and he’ll interject with something playful and then the entire class would laugh (because he’s Oikawa) and your professor would reprimand him but you could always tell that they, too, are holding in a giggle. 

Those were easy to bear, because although his insults hit way too close to home, it’s just— it’s just so petty.

Really, it’s the aftermath that does the damage.

“They’re like Christmas lights under your skin!” 

This topic pops up every month or so. Most people your age can be lucky enough to meet their soulmate this early. 

“And it’s the most awesome feeling in the world,” your classmate sighed. “When we touched hands? Man. We just- we glowed.”

Then, the others would poke fun, faking a gagged expression, but they’d always ask afterwards, “What happened next?” And everytime, you’d watch from the sidelines. Like an uninvited audience. 

You tried being a part of it once, wanting to share about the time your close friend met her soulmate. But all you’d gotten were side eyes and titters, as if they were laughing about a joke only you didn’t know about. 

“They’re so mean to you.” 

You groaned.

Oikawa was seated behind you, resting his head against his elbow. Everyone was too busy talking about blue lights and destined souls to notice what’s happening at the back of the room. 

He continued, “Not including you in conversations, treating you like an outsider.”

You didn’t bite, focusing on the opened book in front of you.

“Must be lonely, having no one.”

“Oikawa,” you muttered under your breath. “I don’t have the energy for this.”

The silence that came after that was unexpected. You were sure it would be short lived; he’s just gearing up for more. He usually went at it until you’d have no choice but to physically remove yourself from his presence. You’d thought once that that may be why he does this so much. Maybe he still thought you were the “ugliest girl” he’s ever met and he wants you out of his sight. Because Oikawa’s infantile like that.

But the silence stayed, accompanied by the background noise of eager conversations; lingering some more as white, fluffy clouds passed by the glass windows. 

When he broke it, all Oikawa said was, “Soulmates, huh.”

You felt a finger touch your back, drawing the barest of lines over your uniform. He removed them just before you could stand up and leave. 

You disliked those moments with him. 

You disliked him especially when he played. 

Oikawa’s a monster, be it in volleyball or with you. There are times, though, that you’d notice some things that you think you’re not meant to see. Like after a serve— its impact booming throughout the court, he’d have this puzzling expression on his face. 

It looked like....anger. 

He scored a point, right? Everyone’s cheering for him, aren’t they? Wait, didn’t they win?

You thought maybe it’s the adrenaline making him nastier than usual, but sometimes you’d pass by the gym when he happens to be alone. And that anger is still there, punctuated by the sound of the ball exploding against the floor. Jump. Hit. Spike. Jump. Hit. Spike. He’d do it, again and again and again. 

As if he’s trying to grasp something even he cannot reach. 

Those instances should’ve taught you that the best thing to do is look away. 

That’s what you should’ve done. Look away.

They lost the Interhigh tournament.

You knew this not because you’d watched, but because for one day, Oikawa Tooru wasn’t your bully. 

The derision was replaced by sulking. He didn’t speak for the entire period. The funniest thing about it was that everyone kept staring at you. Like somehow you’d been the cause of this, when all of them were lamenting the loss just as much as the team itself. 

 What was supposed to be a reason for celebration suddenly became a crime that you had to explain for.

 “Great,” you grumbled to yourself. “One time I don’t have a target on my back, now I’m the bad guy.”

Trash bag in hand, the scraps inside rattled against each other as you stomped to the recycling bin, both sleeves of your P.E jacket folded up to the elbows. You affected a tone, choosing to mock the grating way some of classmates talked:

“Oh, hey, if it’s not too much,” you began. “Can you please be his punching bag again? If you will, can you relieve our superstar’s burdens? By, I don’t know, alluring him into walking all over you? Like the good old days! Please, oh please? We rely on you, oh Great Punching Bag! We Beseech thee, oh Esteemed Doormat! We compel— dude, what the fuck?!”

Crumpled papers and steel and tin cans rolled to the ground. You didn’t pick them up, like you should’ve; you left it there, trash bag lying open, and grabbed the ball that whisked mere inches from your face. 

This time you’re not making the same mistake. The asshole is more than capable of suspending what little morals he has, just to hurt someone he barely knew. As well as athletically adept (an understatement, that) at hitting a walking target; or not hitting it, in this case.  

You stormed the almost empty gym. Oikawa is a ray of sunshine, greeting you with that smile. It makes you want to punch him.

“What is wrong with you?” you spat. 

He chuckled. “Whoops. Sorry!” 

“I’m not having this-” you shoved the ball to his stomach. He didn’t even blink. “This isn’t gonna slide anymore, Oikawa.”

Wide grin still in place, he took it from your hands with his much larger ones and said, “Wow, you’re actually mad this time. ”  

Then, he added, “I didn’t mean it! Honest!” 

Must be nice, you thought with a scowl, to be him. Anyone can be sincere if they look anything like Oikawa. 

“Sure. Fine. No, actually,” you glowered. “You know what?” 

“Hm?” He tilted his head. Oikawa tilted his pretty little head.

You seethed. “I get it. You lost. That doesn’t mean you get to take it out on me. I mean, what did I ever do to you, Oikawa? I have-” you exhaled, surprised by the break in your voice. 

“I haven’t done anything to you. We stopped being kids a long time ago. That shit you pull should’ve ended by now. We’ve grown.” You jabbed his chest. “But I see that maybe not all of us have.”

His pleased expression hadn’t dropped. “Ouch,” Oikawa grimaced, glancing amusedly at the place you’d touched. “How mean.”

This isn’t going anywhere. 

You don’t know why it took you this long to realize this, as you shifted your gaze away from him, noticing the gashes on the floor that tear the surface like scars that never healed. That must’ve been because of him, with the amount of practice he does. 

“It won’t be enough, won’t it, Oikawa?” you whispered. “Not for you.”

The smile that’s been there since you arrived tensed, straining at the corners of his lips. 

“Yeah, I’ve been told,” he beamed. 

He was bathing in his own sweat, seeping through his shirt and matting his hair to his face, and he looks— Oikawa looked tired. His eyes were sunken in, too. Did he even sleep?

You’re so used to seeing him not a hair out of place, with a sweet scent that you amusedly thought lures his gaggle of admirers into following him everywhere. It takes you aback, honestly. Particularly the wobble in his step as he bent and squeezed his knee with shaky fingers.

You don’t think he’s aware he’s doing it in front of you.

Then, just like that, everything seemed to have added up.  

“You’ll never be happy,” you said.

You should’ve stopped there. You should’ve left. Instead, you looked him in those brown eyes, the warm hue becoming a lot colder as he moved closer. 

Oikawa sneered. “And what do you know, huh?” 

(Go. Leave.)

“Nothing,” you told him. ��I don’t- I don’t know. Because, I don’t get it.”

(Shut up. Shut up.)

“Why you try any harder, I don’t know. Win or lose, it’s all the same. You’re still the same. You’re still awful and annoying and- and still you.” You laughed, unsure why you’re running your mouth like this. 

“Win or lose. Oikawa is still Oikawa,” you breathed in. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

His teammates must’ve gone somewhere. For lunch, maybe, you thought as you eyed the abandoned bottles and used towels scattered around the court. “Besides,” you huffed, not without a twinge of envy. “They’ll all still love you, either way.” 

Everything went still for a while, and you’d just realized what you’d just said.

“What about you?” 

You looked back at him.

“What?”

He tipped his chin. You stepped backwards. 

He brushed your wrist.

“Don’t touch me,” you hissed, but he only smiled and wrapped his entire hand around it. 

Oikawa had been your first bully. Before you could even comprehend what that meant, Oikawa had been the source of your mother’s worries whenever she parted with you at the school gates. It is funny, thinking about it, for letting this boy affect you despite making an effort to stay away the first time. 

But it is only now— now that he has a firm hold on you, gentle yet smothering— that you truly feared Oikawa Tooru. 

It rattled your breath, squeezing your heart and refusing air to pass through your lungs, as you felt a shock zap through you. And apparently through him as well.

You broke away from each out with a cry.

Your hand was burning. That’s the only explanation for it. Your hand was burning and any moment now smoke will diffuse from the pores. 

You waited. Any moment now. But the more you stared at it the more tiny spots of flames sparked under your skin, bursting along the palm lines— first, the forked ones; then, the dashed lines— glaring back at you, glowing brighter, blotting and spreading until they mapped your palms then your entire hands like constellations. 

“Red is bad, my heart,” your mother said. “Red means run.”

“I knew it,” you scoffed, shaking your head. 

Well, it’s not as if this is news to you. 

“What about that, Oikawa?” You put both your radiating hands in the air. “The universe is telling us, you and I? We just don’t—”

Why are you crying?

Why is Oikawa crying? 

“I knew it,” he croaked.

Your mother made the red light sound so horrifying for a reason. 

There has to be a reason, too, why the universe is warning you so late into your life. You’d actually ran before. And when you thought it a waste of money, you chose to stay and not fight back; thinking that his punches have become less severe, degraded into verbal taunts that induce social exclusion at most; that, certainly, red doesn’t forbode something as bad as murder, right?

Well, what now? You were wrong, after all. This time you have a feeling that you actually need to hide. 

Because Oikawa’s looking at you like you’re the last two people left in this Earth. 

Just you and him. Without any need for anybody else. 

You didn’t breathe, attempting to bolt despite the overwhelming need to throw up right where you're standing. He stepped closer, faster than you’d liked, and touched your face, caressing your cheek up to your aching temple.

“You should really stop trying to run away,” he said, voice low as if he’s sharing a secret. “I’ll always find you, you know?”

You didn’t have to look to know. Even if you closed your eyes, as well, you know it’s still going to be there; glowing in the darkness behind your eyelids.

“Me and you—” Oikawa sighed. 

Listen carefully, your mother said.

“ —we have a connection that no one else will ever understand,” he said.

The light emitting from his hand was so harsh it hurt you, pricking your sight until it drew fat tears, reflecting against your damp face and tinting the fallen streaks with bright—

Blue means happy, she told you. The happiest you’ll ever be.

And you’d repeat: Blue. Blue is for—

“My soulmate," Oikawa said, before locking you in a deep, searing kiss. 

The lights didn't die even as he dragged you into the storage room.  

"Hey, where'd senpai go?" 

The rest of the volleyball team came in droves, occupying the hollow court with their squeaking shoes and questions about Oikawa's whereabouts.

"Must've gone somewhere," you heard a deep voice say. 

You could answer that question. All you  had to do was scream. They weren't so far from the room that they wouldn't pick it up over the noise of their volleyball practice. Really, if you needed to, you could even outshout their guttural yells of "Nice kill!"

Though, you'd have to remove the underwear lodged in your mouth first. 

Yours, in fact; soaked now by your own saliva, drool dripping to your chin as your wrists chafed against the rope that's keeping them tied at your back.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" You felt every sickening movement of Oikawa's lips against your throat. "Feels good when you- ah, fuck- when you give in."

With the cloth muting your shrill bawling, you tried your best to recall how you ended up here: seated on his lap as he sluggishly humped himself against you, his still glowing hands cupping your ass.  

The only thing left on your body was your bra, and even that he's already lowered to let your tits spill over the top. Your pants and t-shirt and jacket are lying around somewhere. You couldn't determine where in particular; the only sources of light were behind you.  

He was leaving imprints of blue all over your skin; around your waist as he slithered his hands to reach your breasts, scantily brushing over the hardened nipples and making you keel over.

"So sensitive," he tutted, smooching your neck so gently that even the underwear couldn't muffle your loud yelp when he suddenly bit into the flesh. Hard. 

You wanted to claw his eyes out and call for help and you wanted badly to scream don't do that Oikawa someone please save me he's gonna kill me he's gonna kill me-

But the gag remained intact and the boys outside continued their game, ignorant that their precious captain is taking everything away from you. 

Sharp canines bruised your skin, provoking a fresh batch of tears as he sucked and licked every after cruel bite. 

Then, when you thought the worst had passed, he removed his mouth from your neck to spit onto your bare cunt, allowing it to slide from the hair on your mound to the nub sticking out in the middle.

(It is not enough that he is killing you. Oikawa must defile you, too.)

His fingers gripped the insides of your thighs open when you tried to shut them together. "Don't be a brat," he clicked his tongue.

"Be a nice little kitten for me," Oikawa drawled, smearing the slick that's soaking your folds against the spittle coating your clit.

You didn't notice when he'd taken his cock out, you only realize that he's about to enter you when he teased your entrance with it, pushing the tip to nudge the drenched hole, only to pull it back again.

And you didn't dare look. The feel of it almost stretching you out with just the head is already driving you to insipid begging.

"What'd you say, kitten?" he pouted.

Oikawa you've already taken too much is it never going to be enough Oikawa let me go.

"I can't understand you," he chuckled. "Here—"

He pulled the underwear out of your mouth as he thrust all the way inside, your back arching, driving him deeper, as his cock throbbed against your pussy walls.

"Now, what were you saying?"

You swallowed your cries and heaved and swore you were gonna tear his heart out after this. 

"Say," he whispered, sniffing your wet panties without breaking his gaze. "If everyone saw us right now, how'd you think they'd react?"

It was so reverent, the way he did it, blue light revealing that he closed his eyes as he took a whiff, as if he hung onto your scent like a lifeline.

But you thought that'd been a calculated move, because as you dumbly stared at him, he immediately gyrated his hips under you, rocking back and forth ever so slowly, and you remembered that you had to keep quiet.

His cock was so big inside you, making you bite your lip as it filled you up, the curved tip hitting a spot that has you squirming in his embrace.

"At this point they'll know how much of a whore you are," he said, tangling his muscled arms around yours and anchoring you to his body. "Made just for me."

"Oika-Oikawa…"

You don't know this person. 

"Help..me.."

You don't know who's speaking out and whimpering for Oikawa, on her knees and bouncing up and down on his lap with weak, quivering thighs. 

It couldn't be you.

"Help you?" You felt him nuzzle your neck. "I thought you wanted me to stay away, though?"

Someone mewled out a pathetic, "N-no."

"No? Then what d'you want, kitten?"

(Oh. Oh, he feels so fucking good.)

Your belly has never felt this hot before and it's driving you crazy that you're chasing for something you cannot see and it feels so near but there's something, something that's keeping you from it that all you can do is grind your sopping cunt closer to him.

"Wanna- I wanna cum."

Oikawa kissed you on the forehead, and then he said, "Go ahead, then."

He released your arms. 

Then, he's scooping cum off your pussy, making sure to drag his fingers under the lips, before circling your large, swelling clit. Then, he's sucking your tits and swirling his tongue around a nipple and you're so so close.

"That's it," Oikawa sighed. "Ride my cock, baby."

His rough palm slapped both your ass cheeks and the cry that erupted from you only made him laugh. 

"Make yourself cum on my cock," he grunted, licking his smiling lips as he leaned back against the wall, hand idly rubbing your dripping clit. "You're making a mess, darling. Leaking like that."

You're quivering all over; your cunt is spasming and your legs are complaining beneath you, but you don't stop. You lift your hips and then sink your pussy down, down until you feel his balls touching your sore ass, the sloshing sound growing louder as you move faster. 

You don't think about what this'll all mean later, what you're doing giving in to him, when you scream out his name. But as soon as you did, Oikawa's growl had been your only warning.

He grabbed the back of your head and kissed you, plunging his tongue into your throat, his strong arms pressing you so close to him you can no longer tell his skin from yours, his battering heartbeat from yours. 

You didn't move—weren't allowed to, when he hammered his cock into you, pounding your cunt and fucking you raw until you're breathless and nothing but a shuddering wreck, splitting at the seams in his hands as you feel thick spurts of hot cum slide out of you. 

"My pretty girl," came his hoarse whisper. "My pretty, pretty girl."

The lights have dimmed, when he cradled your shaking form and moved out of you, faint traces left on just the palm lines and fingertips. 

They were flooded by the sudden brightness that enveloped the storage room.

"Holy shit."

You pressed your eyes close, your entire body prickling at Oikawa’s touch.

It shouldn't be surprising, at this point, that Oikawa, as quick as he'd stripped you off of everything, has already covered you back in your jacket. The smell of it striking you ruthlessly, that old cologne that you always use to school reminding you of who you were, before all this.

Had it only been a few hours? It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Ah," Oikawa murmured. "They caught us."

"Oikawa,” someone roared. Oikawa held you, hiding your face against his chest. “Why you son of a-"

"C-coach..! Stop- Oi, someone help me hold him- no, coach! "

You heard him chuckle. “Sorry about this, everyone.” He held up his hand and you had to keep yourself from sobbing. “But, look.”

There were several gasps. 

(Everybody knows now.)

“You..and her?” 

The boy who said that sounded so astonished, clearly overjoyed for some reason, that it revolted you.

“Mhm,” he nodded, a smile in his voice. “Now, can you guys please give us some privacy?” 

Feet shuffled out of the room, along with stuttered apologies. They all left. 

Except for one.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa pouted.

“What did you do, Oikawa?”

A beat. Then, he repeated, “Iwa-chan.”

Please. 

Iwaizumi didn’t say anything. 

Please help me.

“Sure,” he grunted.

He was gone, too, after that.

You were back in the darkness, with nothing but the faltering red and blue on your hands and his, while he untied your wrists and kneaded the abrasion away, cooing sweet nothings to your ear. 

“I hate you,” you rasped. 

“Don’t say that.”

“I fucking hate you-”

“Please stop yelling-”

“I won’t ever forgive you, Oikawa!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he cried, shaking his head as he brushed your tear-stained cheeks with both thumbs. You clutched them, wanting him off you, but he only latched himself firmly into you. “We’re meant to be.”

“You’re the only one for me.” 

Oikawa brought your numb hand to his face, pressing a kiss to your palm, the red light basking him in its soft glow.

“And I’m the only one for you,” he said, intertwining your fingers together. 

The lights flickered in and out, at first, as you stared vacantly into it, the red and blue swallowing each other. Until they finally disappeared, leaving just you and him, curled against each other in the shadows. 

out of love [tom holland]

PAIRING: tom holland x female!reader 

SUMMARY: being close friends with your ex is fine, right? even if your love for them was unparalleled among others. even if you were still in the process of moving on from them. even if you know they’re happy with someone else. even if you have no clue whether they loved you like you loved them. 

WARNINGS: foul language, so much angst, it starts ok at first then goes downhill from there. i literally write things on the go so i don’t know if this will have fluff at some point 

(if it does and i didn’t state it here, send me a cute photo of tom and a message of: ok wow she pulled thru 🤪; and if it doesn’t have fluff, send me a meme and a message of: miss girl i simply cannot today ✋😃)  

WORD COUNT: 5.6k 

A/N: hello! tonight, we are going to be sad!!! i know i usually like to write about all things fluff, but this?? this is just for me because i am having one of those episodes. i just need to feel something again aside from the stress of writing 3 academic papers per week lmao. i’m def not expecting people to like this type of vibe but yannoe. i apologize in advance. 

this is inspired by that one episode from new girl (season 6 x ep 16)

gif credits: @thollandgifs​ 

vanessa’s masterlist | taglist form | part two - pandemonium ​​

“You know, you can still live with us right?” Your friend Maia commented as she placed the box, labelled “fine china that mom gave me but will i ever use them?”, on the kitchen island. 

“I know,” You murmured dropping the heavy case of pots and pans on the floor. “But maybe living alone will be good for me.” You replied, forcing a smile. “Besides, I don’t want to int—“

“Hey, Y/N, where do you want this?” Harrison asked as he held out a box that’s labelled with “books that my grandpa passed on. HANDLE WITH CARE!” 

“Oh, just set it down on the living room—“ before you could even finish, Harrison dropped the box on the floor as if it was nothing. “Harrison!” You hissed, as you quickly rushed to check on the box. 

“Y/N, babe, they’re just books. Surely they can withstand any amount of pressure, yeah?” Haz tried to reassure you. 

“Haz, those books are from my grandpa—which I’m sure he got from his grandpa.” You sighed. “They’re really old and fragile, so I just want them to be in a well enough condition to stand in my bookcase.” 

“‘m sorry,” He murmured, rubbing the back of his head. “It’s just, why do you have to move out?” Harrison asked, frustrated at the whole thing. 

“Like I told Maia, maybe having my own place will be good for me.” You replied calmly, as you neatly put the box filled with your grandpa’s books in the corner room—the initial place where you want to build your bookcase. “It’s been a while since I’ve lived on my own.” 

“Yeah,” Harrison acknowledged “But there’s absolutely no reason for you to move out. You can’t possibly leave me with her!” He pointed at Maia who let out an audible gasp. Harrison was being dramatic of course.  

“Haz—“ You were trying to fight off a laugh. “You two are my constants and if I became dependant on having you two at my convenience, it’s going to be a huge problem.” 

“In my opinion, I don’t see it as a problem.” Maia pointed out childishly. You shook your head in disbelief. You had to move out because you miss having a place to yourself— a place where you can be at your complete worst and you don’t have to think about your friends worrying about you. 

Besides, moving out means you don’t have to see Tom that often and that was a bonus in your book. It wasn’t a sour breakup per se, it’s just really difficult to feel happy for your ex when he practically showcases how different he is now with his girlfriend. 

You prided yourself as a mature and well-rounded person who could be complete friends with her ex as if that’s normal. You could only keep the façade for so long. 

Four months. It’s been four months since you and Tom broke up. You lived with Maia soon after the breakup and that enough was a blessing. Maia couldn’t bear to handle the fact that you would be alone at a time like this. Harrison usually crashes at Maia’s so he was bound to move in with you two. In fact, he was always there more often than you. 

That was the point where you were convinced that Harrison liked Maia and that Maia liked Harrison.

Conveniently, you and Tom never ‘officially’ moved in together so you could avoid him freely at all costs.

Of course, that was eventually going to end soon. You and Tom were in the same friend group so you were bound to see each other, much to your dismay. You couldn’t exactly make Harrison and Maia pick friends because it’s not fair for anyone. 

You were all friends before you and Tom decided to date. Maybe that’s why people say to never date a friend—especially if they’re near and dear. 

You were coming back from work when you found people in the living room, and as if the universe really wanted to test you, it was the least likely people you’d expect to see. 

“Y/N!” Maia’s voice was pure panic. “I didn’t know you’d be home this early.” 

Your eyes quickly flickered between the two people standing across you before you diverted your attention to Maia. “Uh—yeah. There wasn’t really much to do in the office so I came home early.” 

Maia turned to Harrison who was equally lost on how to handle the situation. I mean, who wouldn’t?! What were you supposed to do when your friend drops in unannounced with their new girlfriend and to makes the matters worse, your other friend—whom your friend dated before— decides to come home early? 

You didn’t know how what kind of spirit took over your body that prompted you to extend your hand to the girl sitting beside your ex and say: “Hello, I’m Y/N.” 

The girl looked surprised but shook your hand in return. “Nadine,” Nadine smiled slyly “I—um, I’m Tom’s girlfriend.” 

Tom looked mildly uncomfortable but you chose to ignore it. You were becoming good at that—ignoring Tom. 

You returned the smile at Nadine. You could feel the burning stares from your friends, mostly Maia. You cleared your throat and said, “I’ll just be in my room to finish the papers I need to send to my editor if you’ll excuse me.” 

Before you left completely, you gave Nadine another smile and said, “It’s nice to meet you again, Nadine.”

You don’t remember how you got to your room but that was the least of your concern. You were just undeniably overwhelmed with what just happened that you didn’t even notice that there was a knock on your door. 

When you opened the door, it was the last person you expected to see standing in your doorframe. 

“Can we talk?” Tom asked in almost a whisper. 

You gave him a half shrug and opened the door slightly wider for him. 

“We’re okay, right?” He asked, looking at you in the eye. 

At this point, you convinced yourself that you were numb. You never talked about the breakup. You never overtly said anything about what you felt. You felt empty. You convinced yourself that you were empty. 

You stared back at Tom and without missing a beat, you replied “Of course. Why shouldn’t we?” 

“Just admit that you two will miss me,” You teased, grabbing another box from Maia. 

“Only if you admit that you’re moving out for an entirely different reason,” Maia whispered carefully as her eyes flickered towards Tom who was also helping with your move out. 

You pressed your lips together and acted like he wasn’t even there. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You said, you know, like a liar. 

You weren’t a vocal person. The idea of talking about your feelings was really difficult for you so you try your best to avoid it. Actually, it’s worse than that. You’d go to extreme lengths to avoid confrontation.

Obviously, it wasn’t healthy. You would always distance yourself whenever you feel emotionally exhausted, and you really meant that distance. It wasn’t bad at first—maybe a day or two was all you needed before you felt comfortable enough to be around people again. 

Then it became worse when you were in university. You were beyond unreachable. Aside from being emotionally exhausted, you were mentally drained too. You were always buried with papers and readings which was unavoidable but it took a huge toll on you. So whenever you get a chance to get a break, you completely shut off from people. 

Your friends definitely noticed it and they tried their best to help. 

Tom was among the people who definitely went out of their way to help you. He would always drop by at your dorm with food or coffee—he would literally just drop them off, most of the time. He would leave small notes that up to this day, you still kept and tucked away in a box. 

Both Maia and Harrison followed Tom’s approach. They would all alternate on who’s dropping what and when. Some days, Maia would drop off a new skincare product she’s been using or a lovely box of macarons from your favourite patisserie. 

On other days, Harrison would drop off some of his home-cooked meals or maybe a book he saw from a local bookstore—a book that reminded him of you.

Tom was very persistent though. He would sometimes wait out on the hall, just so he could see you and reassure himself (and your friends) that you were okay. 

You found it taxing at first—you would often try your best to match the energy from your friends, which only left you exhausted at the end of the day. You wanted space and you clearly weren’t getting that from Tom. You did acknowledge that he only did it out of pure concern. 

You often wondered why he did that, staying, but you didn’t ask him. You never did.

Maybe you were afraid that you’d come off as rude or that you’d seem ungrateful for dismissing someone when they’ve clearly taken the time off their day just to check on you. 

However, every time you’d open that door, it always seemed that Tom would breathe a huge sigh of relief when you lock eyes. Even if it was just for a quick second. You wondered about that too.

Tom wasn’t really being intrusive. Most of the time, he will leave a few minutes after you’d open the door to get the things your friends would drop off. You’d always ask him if he wants to stay inside for a bit, but he’d always decline.

Except for that one time, though. That one time that you knew you were going to fall in love.

It was the week of midterms and deadlines. You were knee-deep with papers from different classes that demanded to be finished that week, one of which was a research paper that practically tied you to your laptop and made you consume an unhealthy amount of caffeine. 

It wasn’t until 2 am when you were about to go on a quick drive to a McDonald’s but saw Tom dozed off in the hallway, his back pressed against the wall.

“Tom,” You shook him gently, trying not to startle him. “Tom, wake up.”

His eyes slowly fluttered open, seemingly disoriented at first but would soon fall into the warm familiarity that your face always brings. 

“Why are you sleeping in the hall?” You asked quietly, careful not to make a fuss. The walls in your dorm were very thin and you learned that the hard way. You’d think they’d put a disclaimer about that in the lease when you’re housing a bunch of university students with raging sex drives. 

It took Tom a minute to fully comprehend the question, seeing that the bright fluorescent light was being harsh on him and that he’s generally like that when being jolted awake. 

“Oh, erm, I—” Tom was finding the right words to use. He can’t exactly exclaim ‘I’ve been worried sick about you!’ out of nowhere. Instead he said, “I was waiting for you to open the door, just to see if you’re alright.” 

“All night?”

Tom scratched the back of his neck. “It seemed that way, yeah.” He muttered sheepishly. 

You were dumbfounded. Surely this was the first time someone actually fell asleep outside your door, waiting for you to come out. It was sweet but highly unnecessary. 

“I was just about to head out and get some McDonald’s, do you wanna come with?” You asked, giving him a hand to hoist himself up. 

“I should get going—“ 

“Have you eaten yet?” You asked cutting him off, taking Tom by surprise. He shook his head no. “Then you should really come.” You said, jingling your car keys in front of him.

Tom was debating whether or not to go with you. It’s been a while since you hung out, but that was the same case for everyone. None of your friends have properly hung out with you ever since the semester started. 

Tom should say yes, right? 

“Let’s go, Tommy,” You said as you grabbed his hand and dragged him across the hall. “I’ve been staring at my laptop all day and I really need some unhealthy food to balance out the concerning amount of caffeine I’ve consumed.” 

“Is that why you’re practically bouncing off the walls?” Tom asked amused, trying to keep up with your pace with your hand holding his. 

“Totally,” You grinned at him. “I need to wear out the caffeine or else, I’d have to skip my morning class again.” 

“French?” 

You nodded. “They’re counting the amount of absences in that class and I really need to keep my shit together.” 

“‘m not exactly sure why you took that as an elective,” Tom commented, properly wrapping his hand around yours with fingers interlacing each other.  

You tried to ignore it, you really did, but the warm feeling that settled around your stomach drove you crazy. 

“Why not? I think it’s cool to learn another language.” You nudged him playfully which he gladly returned. 

“I know and trust me, I’m in awe that you’re learning another language! erm—I guess it’s just I feel like you’re overworking yourself too much.” Tom pointed out softly, hoping he didn’t come off as rude or intrusive. 

“Eh, I don’t mind.” You replied “It’s what drives me to keep going and for me that’s more than enough. Even if it leaves me little to no sleep, even if it takes too much of my time—it’s enough reason for me to do it.” 

Tom stared at you in admiration as soon as those words slipped out your mouth and you didn’t even notice it. You were walking towards the student parking lot, consumed by the twinkling lights from the neighbouring lanes near campus. 

Maybe if you weren’t busy consuming the quiet campus grounds, you’d notice the very first time Tom fell in love with you. 

“Besides, I know a phrase in french now.”

“Hm—and what’s that, then?” 

“Je ne suis pas l’escargot” 

“L’escargot? Isn’t that—“ 

“I am not a snail,” You giggled. “Well, it’s true, isn’t it?”

Tom laughed, “I supposed so.” 

Maybe if you weren’t so afraid of confrontation, you’d have an idea of when Tom knew that you were his person.

See, the thing is— you needed to face reality sooner or later and both your friends could see right through it. 

“Honestly, Y/N, how on earth can your box of art materials be this heavy—” Tom appeared in front of the door frame, heaving as he carried the box from two flights of stairs. 

You quickly averted your gaze from Maia, who was staring at you expectantly, and cleared your throat. “You can just set them by the door, Tom. I don’t know where to put them yet.” You said as you tried your best to act normal. 

“You sure? They’re a tad heavy and I don’t want you to strain yourself.” Tom asked with furrowed brows. 

All you could do was nod. The last thing you wanted was Tom’s focused attention on you.

“If you say so,” Tom sighed in defeat “I’m going to grab more boxes—Baby, you don’t have to carry that!” Tom was quick to disappear as he urgently dashed towards his girlfriend, Nadine. 

“Oh, but I want to help, Tommy.” You heard Nadine say sweetly, assuming she was also pouting. 

You could see Maia roll her eyes, urging you to give her a nudge and a taunting look. “Maia,” you called her out, silently pleading her to stop. 

Maia settled down but she wasn’t exactly calm about it either. “I’m still not sure why she’s here.” She murmured. You and Harrison were close enough that you can hear her rambles—which was expected from her anyway. 

Maia and Nadine go way back—like toddlers and playgrounds kind of way. Though that sounds figuratively adorable in a way, Maia and Nadine never got along. 

Nadine used to date Maia’s brother, which already caused Maia a great demise. As one could expect, the relationship didn’t end well. She left him out of nowhere, saying she needs to find herself—or something along those lines. 

A week after the breakup, what Nadine found was herself in the arms of another man. Of course, Maia’s brother was devastated—He truly loved Nadine. Maia had to be the pillar that her brother leaned on. It took Maia a great amount of time to help her brother pick up the pieces that Nadine left. 

So yeah—Maia wasn’t thrilled when she heard that Tom was Nadine’s new boyfriend. 

“She offered to help, Mai,” You whispered “Who am I to deny help?” 

Maia looked at you as if you managed to empty your head while you were moving in between flats. “She’s been after me ever since we were kids. She’s also the reason why it took my brother months to get out of bed,” Maia deadpanned “and She’s Tom’s new girlfriend. Remember Tom? Your ex?” She said rather loudly.

You gave her a tiny pinch on her arm, causing her to yelp. “Maia, are you nuts?!”

Harrison left the two of you so he could grab more boxes, while you and Maia bickered silently amongst each other. 

“You are thicker than I thought—Seriously, Y/N. Quit pinching me!” Maia aggressively rubbed her arm. 

“They’re going to hear you!” You hissed. “The last thing I want is for those two to get involved.” 

“Babe, they’re already involved. Tom, especially.” Maia remarked. “I see the way you look at Tom. I also see the pain you feel whenever he’s with she who must not be named.” 

“I’m not doing this Maia,” you mumbled as you walked past her. Your objective was now to help Harrison with the remaining boxes. Your objective was anything but to talk about you and Tom. 

“You have to face it sooner or later, Y/N.” Maia called out “I’m not leaving you or this apartment until you tell me what really happened.” 

“What’s going on?” Harrison asked as he entered the apartment, carrying three sets of boxes. You grabbed one from him and actively avoided his question. 

Before Maia could reply, Tom and Nadine appeared on the doorframe, with Nadine practically glued to Tom. 

“Harrison got the last remaining boxes so we’re heading off now,” Tom announced as Nadine’s face painted with clear desperation to get out of your place. “Are we still going bowling tonight?” Tom asked before Nadine whispered something in Tom’s ear and left.

“I’m actually exhausted so I’ll pass,” You answered, obviously avoiding spending time with your ex and his current girlfriend. You’re not that pathetic. 

“Same might actually have to just drink the night away,” Maia responded with a grin.

“Well, there’s no way I’m third-wheeling so I’m good,” Harrison said as he threw himself towards the plush teal couch that you snagged from a flea market. 

For the tiniest second, Tom seemed disappointed but gave a tight-lipped smile. “Oh, maybe we can reschedule our bowling night, then?” He asked. “It’s not as fun to go bowling with just the two people.” 

You, Harrison, and Maia all shared a look. You weren’t on board with bowling-night, to begin with, but you didn’t want Tom to feel as if you were avoiding him—which you were but no one needs to know that. 

Maia looked at you, waiting for an answer because god knows she will solely depend on her decision based on yours. You don’t even have an answer, to begin with. 

“What are you two supposed to do then?” Harrison asked Tom. Thank god for Harrison.

“I might take Nadine to this poetry jam event that she’s been dying to go to” Tom replied with a soft voice. 

“A poetry night?” Maia almost wanted to laugh “You don’t even have the slightest interest in literature, Tom.” Maia didn’t mean to offend him or maybe she did? She wasn’t completely fond of Tom ever since you and Tom broke up—well, she wasn’t fond of the idea that Tom was dating her ‘arch nemesis’, but Tom was her friend and so were you. 

“I know that, Mai.” Tom rolled his eyes “but Nadine likes it and I’ll do everything to make her happy.” That left a bitter taste in your mouth. 

“If you say so,” Maia murmured before she took a quick look at you. She looked like she wants to give you the biggest hug. But you held a stoic look on your face—something that you picked up because you were afraid of confrontation. 

“I’m serious,” Tom defended, lost in his feelings, which only irked Maia even more. 

“I know, I heard you— we heard you,” Maia replied, her face showing only one emotion: annoyed. “God, read the room,” Maia grumbled to herself. Harrison had to reach for her hand, urging her to calm down. 

“I really love her,” Tom whispered. That left a slap in the face. 

It was a cold Saturday afternoon and it has been raining almost all day. It was one of the rare weekends that you weren’t really occupied to do anything other than to lay on your couch and consume a copious amount of entertainment.

Despite the spitting rain, you actually want to head out this time. Being confined to your desk and the university was torture especially since you couldn’t do anything about it—the four of you were graduating this year, no one could afford to slack off. 

You and Tom were cuddled against the sofa— Tom was busy watching something on TV while you were busy scrolling on your phone. 

“Hey, Tom?” 

“Yes, my sweet girl?” 

“Do you want to go downtown?” You asked, looking at your phone as you read the details of an event happening this weekend.

“Right now?”

“Mhm,” you hummed. “There’s a book fair being held at the local theatre.” You rested your chin on top of his chest and gave him a pout. You were getting sick of being cooped up between your study table and the library. This book fair was a change of scenery and it’s definitely right up your alley.

“But it’s raining, darling” Tom tried to say in the softest way possible. It’s not exactly up in Tom’s interests though.

“I know,” You sighed “I guess I’m just getting sick of this place.”

“You’re getting sick of me?” Tom asked with a huge pout. He was kidding of course. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of you, Tom.” You chuckled softly. 

“Okay,” He hummed, pulling you closer to him—if that was even possible. “Then can we stay like this for a while?” 

“Anything for you, angel.” You whispered as you closed the details about the local book fair. Maybe next time. 

Soon after Tom left, Maia pulled you to her side and asked, “You okay, babe?” 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” You feigned innocence. It was clear as day that you weren’t okay, your friends knew that. 

Knowing that you weren’t going to budge, Maia walked towards the kitchen and brought out a bottle of wine from the fridge. 

Harrison raised an eyebrow at her and asked, “When did you manage to put that in the fridge?” All of you had been occupied with grabbing boxes that there was no way that Maia had the time to put wine in the fridge, let alone obtain them from somewhere.

“It was supposed to be a celebratory drink for Y/N’s new place,” Maia replied as she set the wine and three various mugs on the coffee table. “Obviously, that’s not happening now.” Drinking wine using the oddly designed mugs you collected over the years was a cry for help. 

“It’s 4 pm, Mai.” You pointed out as you stared at the white LED clock that you bought off Amazon—another impulse purchase enabled from scrolling on Pinterest for way too long. “We haven’t even had lunch yet.” 

“Oh please,” Maia snorted “If there’s one thing that I’ve picked up from university, it’s drinking with little to no food consumption.” 

“And if there’s one thing that I’ve picked up from university, it’s cancelling all of my plans for the entire day because I have to tend your hungover-self, Mai,” Harrison remarked as he grabbed the bottle and placed it back on the fridge. “I’m ordering food and no one’s drinking until everyone has finished a meal.” 

You heard Maia mutter a string of curses but most especially the part that she said, “This is not the version of daddy that I envisioned Harrison to be.” 

All of a sudden Maia’s idea of binge drinking doesn’t seem like a bad idea, you thought. 

Turns out Harrison had no intention of letting any of you drink. He was pretty adamant about not having to babysit two drunk messes in one night. 

“As if babysitting one isn’t enough,” You recalled Harrison say. He was obviously pertaining to Maia, in which she just huffed the entire time. You often wondered if Maia and Harrison noticed the obvious tension between them, because personally you found it endearing. It was no question that they were meant for each other. 

“Y/N, you still haven’t told us whatever happened between you and Tom.” Maia suddenly pointed out. You, Maia, and Harrison were still in the living room, silently watching TV. 

You were actively avoiding this conversation for the longest time as you haven’t told anyone about it, and based by the curious faces of your friends, you figured that Tom didn’t tell anyone about it either. You’re still not sure whether that’s a relief or not.  

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You mumbled. It’s not like you were lying, there really was barely anything to talk about. Heck—You and Tom never got to talk about it properly either. 

“We see the way you look at him, Y/N.” Harrison replied softly. “I think there is something.” 

“Look—” Maia sat up properly “I know you’re not really vocal about your feelings, but the fact that you’ve never talked nor showed any emotion about your breakup terrifies me, babe.” Maia’s tone was laced with concern. 

“I remember the day you told us about it too,” Harrison couldn’t hide his concern too “We were having brunch together at our usual diner and half-way through our meal, you promptly said “We broke up” when Maia asked where Tom was,” Harrison recalled it like it was a fever dream. He and Maia had already expected that you weren’t going to tell them about the breakup when it just happened. However, it baffles them that it’s been over a year since you and Tom broke up, and not one word has been said about it. 

It was silent for a while, except for Criminal Minds that was playing on the TV. You blankly stared at the screen, hoping that you’d catch whatever the agents were saying. It was impossible, especially when all your mind could focus on was the recollection of the day Tom knocked on your door at 1 am to breakup.  

You were relatively busy that day from volunteer work, so you haven’t seen any of your friends the entire day—or Tom for that matter. Actually, you haven’t seen Tom in a few days. He would send texts periodically throughout the day but they were always short and most of the time, you always forget to reply. 

You figured Tom was busy with his own thing and both of you established early on in your relationship that texting—or lack thereof— shouldn’t account to your relationship, especially since both of you are equally bad at it. 

You didn’t think any of it since you were bound to see your boyfriend and your friends tomorrow for brunch anyway. He will have your undivided attention by then. 

So imagine your surprise when you heard a soft knock from your door at 1 am, only to find Tom in disarray. His eyes were bloodshot red, tears falling down his face. His messy curls were masked under the hood from his jumper. 

At first you were in panic, you thought that something terrible had happened to any of your friends—his family even. 

But as soon as Tom dropped to his knees and whispered, “I’m sorry,” you had a clear idea what was bound to happen next. 

It’s been silent for a while. The door was still open and Tom sat out in the hall with his back leaning against your wall. You did the same thing except you were on the other side of the wall that Tom was leaning on. 

You two were close enough to the door frame that you could hear each other, actually facing each other was a whole other thing. Tears kept streaming down your face as you kept your eyes closed and rested your head against the wall. 

At some point in your relationship, you prepared yourself in case this happened— that you would accept whatever happens between you and Tom. You didn’t exactly anticipate that it would happen so soon. 

“Was there someone else?” You asked quietly. It was the first time you spoke after Tom dropped to his knees. You hoped there wasn’t. In fact, you silently begged to yourself that there wasn’t someone else, because you knew that you couldn’t handle that. 

“No, no—of course not.” Tom immediately answers.”I could never do that to you.” 

It was silent again. You were starting to feel numb—you tried your best to gather your thoughts and forced words out of your mouth, but you couldn’t. 

“Are we not worth fighting anymore?” You practically whispered. It was a gamble— you weren’t exactly sure if Tom had heard it and you don’t have enough strength to ask it again. 

“Y/N,” Tom sniffled. “You can’t say that.” He placed his hand on top of yours. You had your hand resting on the floor and you didn’t exactly notice that it served as an invitation for Tom hold it again. 

You love Tom with all your heart. He kept dismissing it but Tom made you a better person. He made you feel like love can be expressed through different forms of things—not just words.

You loved him by exclusively making time for him. You went on museum dates where he would make cheesy remarks, saying that you’re the most remarkable piece of art in the entire place. You went on dates to watch football games—you never understood it but Tom was happy, so you were happy.

You loved him through your touch. You would often massage his back because he had been tirelessly working himself to the core. He didn’t ask for it but you knew it would make him feel better. Your touch didn’t have to be intimate—though you expressed it through that way too

You loved him through mindless actions. Almost every time you would stop by at the local cafe to grab yourself some coffee, you would always recite Tom’s favourite order on autopilot. 

You loved him through silence. Study dates were gems for you. Even if you didn’t talk for the entirety of it and even if you were the only one who studied for the most part and Tom was just playing on his phone, having Tom beside you was enough.

You loved him so much that it pains you to think that maybe you weren’t enough for him. 

“I don’t think I can fight for someone who doesn’t even want to,” You muttered bitterly. “Just answer the question, Tom.” 

He didn’t answer. All you could hear were the silent sobs that you two were trying to hold back. At this point, you knew you wouldn’t look at Tom. Your heart wouldn’t take it—it will crush you. 

“Are you not happy anymore?” Your voice cracked as you broke into a sob.

“Y/N—“ Tom squeezed your hand even more. You’re going to miss it, but you had to let go. 

“Tom, if I’m standing in the way of your happiness then we should end this.” You cleared your throat and pulled your hand away. There’s a ghostly feeling that still lingered from Tom’s touch. 

“Please, Y/N, let me explain—“ 

“It’s okay, Tom.” You whispered. “I understand.” 

“You know I love you, Y/N.” 

“I love you too, Tom.” 

“But—“ 

“But maybe it’s best if we end it, I know. I got it.” You let out a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down from crying. “Maybe it’s better if we stayed as friends.” Maybe it’s better to realize that whatever you and Tom had were too good to be true—that your love will never compare to the love he deserves. 

“Do you want the truth?” You asked your friends, with tears forming in your eyes. You can’t even decipher how they looked at you because of the tears clouding your vision. 

Were they looking at you in pity? Empathy? Sadness? 

“The truth is—I’m mad.” You gritted the words through your teeth. This was the first time your friends had seen you like this. All of the pent-up sadness, aggression, and hurt you felt was starting to get the best of you. 

“I’m angry. I’m hurt.” You snarled, furiously wiping the tears from your face. “I’m angry at the fact that I can’t seem to be genuinely happy for Tom. I’m hurt at the idea he seems to be a better boyfriend for Nadine, that he constantly makes an effort for her.”

“I don’t even know if he even loved me the way that I loved him,” Your voice became quiet “and it’s selfish for me to think that way because I never fought for it—for us. That’s enough reason to keep me up at night.” 

That’s enough reason for you to wonder if you’ll be capable of loving someone so deeply again. 

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Hello! I was wondering if you could please write something about how the Fellowship (+ Thorin?) Would help a s/o who's Disabled and Chronically ill. Like she has a lot of symptoms like chronic pain, chronic fatigue, difficulty sleeping, difficulty breathing at times, difficulty walking at times, higher sensitivity to the cold, difficulty talking at times, and anxiety, depression and executive dysfunction?

I've been really struggling with my chronic illnesses lately, namely my Autism, Anxiety, Sleep Apnea, a really bad Overbite, Raynaud's Syndrome, Asthma, etc, so I'd really appreciate an Imagine like this. I have a really weird disorder where one of my legs is longer than the other, and it's been causing me a lot of pain and difficulty walking lately, and people have been bullying me for it a lot too, so I could really use a Comfort Imagine right now. Thanks so much hun!!

It's no problem! I'm glad I can provide some comfort!! For each character, I'll use a specific struggling area, to make it a bit easier!! I hope I got these accurate enough, and of there are any mistakes, feel free to point them out!! You are strong, beautiful and so, so amazing!! Keep being you!! ❤❤

Help (The Fellowship// Thorin x Fem!Reader)

Aragorn (Autism)

Aragorn has known you for a long time, so helping with your autism is not new for him

He's particularly experienced in reading your emotions and meeting your needs, whether it's helping you out of stressful situations or calming you down, he's there 🥺

If there are large and boisterous gatherings in Rivendell, its almost guaranteed that you can become over-stimulated quickly, and Aragorn immediately senses this (spidey senses õoõ)

He's fast to find your hand and give it a gentle squeeze of reassurance

If that doesn't seem to help, he'll instantly stop what he's doing and take you out of the room

If you're someone who prefers lots of space and little physical contact, he is 100% respectful of this and asks if you'll let him touch or hug you (very much gentleman 😌)

If ever you're confronted by someone of importance, Aragorn is right by your side to ease some of the tension

Sometimes there are things you find difficult to say or get out of your system

The king seems to know exactly what it is and will help you out by saying it or asking you simple questions that you can easily answer

And he always reminds you, no matter WHAT

YOU ARE NOT STUPID 😤😡

You may struggle with some parts of your life, but every day, he's constantly telling you that you're very intelligent and kind

His patience is unending and he'll never let you think down on yourself

Overall, Aragorn is always someone and reminding you that it's all going to be okay ❤❤

Legolas (Anxiety)

Most nights, Legolas keeps watch (since elves don't require much sleep) and notices that you jolt awake out of the random

Now, most of the Fellowship notices that you're usually awake and ready to go before anyone else

But Legolas is really the one to address you first

You were a bit nervous to explain, since you didn't want to worry him or the great of the fellowship, amount the other disadvantages you have

He gently encouraged you, and finally, you explained to him your sleep apnea

Yeah, he was very concerned

I mean, his blue eyes widened with terror when you told him that you could basically die in your sleep if you weren't attentive enough 🙃

Legolas, from now on, sleeps directly next to you, or keeps extra careful watch over you at night

Because he could NEVER see his precious mortal friend become injured... Or worse 🥺🥺❤

The other members had noticed a change in his behaviors towards you as well...

Gimli teased him whenever he caught Legolas giving you some extra lembas bread or offered to carry you 👉👈

You really tried to assure Legolas that it wasn't a big deal when you were awake, since you're aware of your breathing situation

But still 😤

Legolas will always bring you comfort and take great care of you, and that will NEVER CHANGE

Because he loves you very much ❤🦋

Frodo (Anxiety)

Frodo is familiar with the feeling of great anxiety, seeing he had a stress-free life while living in the Shire and suddenly was forced to carry a piece of jewelry all the way to giant ass volcano

It's easy for you two to comfort each other and seek refuge in thoughts and feelings ❤

He's not super comfortable with the thought of you having a panic attack though...

Only because he's never had one

It starts to give him a panic attack whenever you have one around him the first time 😳-

Any time you begin to breathe heavy or hyperventilate, halfling boy is hot at your heels, rubbing your back and reminding you to breathe gently

(So many hugs, if you're up for it)

After you calm down, he's constantly checking on you, asking if you need anything etc.

Really, he just wants to know if he can help 🥺

And even with the weight and stress of carrying the ring, Frodo manages to cheer you up somehow

Samwise (Asthma)

Sam has never had to deal with asthma once in his life

He's very nervous when the subject is brought, afraid it might trigger something inside of you 🥺👉👈

But you just chuckle, assure him that it's alright, and you have ways of keeping it under control

And now, he wants to know everything about it, just to have the awareness in case something happens

Sam just wants to protect you forever, and this was a great way for him to start

He constantly reminds Aragorn that you'll need breathing breaks and will convince Gandalf to let you ride on his horse

He'll scold Pip and Merry if they are trying to drag you around and be silly, because as he says

"You'll rouse him/her/them up! We can't have Y/N gettin injured!" 🤨😠

Sam is MOM

As always, he's very kind and always makes sure your needs are met ❤🥺

Pippin and Merry (Raynaud's Syndrome)

Very confused halfings 🤔

Also extremely concerned!

You were eating one of the lesser pleasurable nights

It was cold and rainy, and a fire couldn't be started, not to mention the quiet arguments of Aragorn and Gandalf in the nearby woods

And Pip's eyes widened when he saw the tips of your petite fingers begin to pale upon hearing Aragorn mention Orcs

"What's wrong with your hands?!" He squeaked, pointing towards your now white-colored fingertips

You hadn't even noticed, nor felt, considering they were numb anyways

Merry looked over his cousin's shoulder and his eyes also widened, not with fright, but wonder

They were both fascinated with your condition, convinced that you were casting some spell Gandalf showed you

Although you reassured them it was just an extremely frustrating inconvenience that you had, among other things

So from then on, the disastrobus duo did their best to keep you out of the cold (and stressful situations!!)

As a distraction, the pair will tell you great stories of the shire, doing little dances and skits that always cheer you up 🥴

Sometimes, they can be a little rambunctious though...

Merry will pick up on this fact quickly, and nudge Pippin to get him to calm down

Even though it may not feel the best

They find your syndrome absolutely fascinating!! 🤔🤔

All in all, these two are always up for keeping your beautiful smile on your face and your spirits high!! ❤🌺

Boromir (Depression)

Throughout the journey, Boromir has always found an easy way to make you smile

After all, he himself has a fascinating way of brightening anyone's spirits

Yours included ❤

Boromir may not have great stories from The Shire, like Pip and Merry, but he sure has a lot of positive things to say

He'll often suggest sparring with the two troublemaking halflings, just so you can see him goof up and get knocked over 🥺

If the nights become cold and weary, he'll give you a warm hug or a nudge on the shoulder

And a few words of helpful encouragement along the lines of;

"Don't fret Y/N. You have more strength than you'll ever know."

"Let our spirits never dampen! We've come this far!" 😊

He's also an incredible listener

Boromir wants to hear what you have to say if you ever need to rant or get something off of your chest

And don't think for a second that he would ever judge you 😤

Son of Gondor sees past all of your insecurities and knows you for your beautiful, amazing self ❤❤

Gimli (Walking disadvantages)

As you travel across great plains and mountains, your limp doesn't go unnoticed by Gimli

It may take him a while to open up about it, since he's afraid he might offend you in some way

And once he asks you, you inform him that it's a difficulty that unfortunately cannot be changed any time soon

And where you come from, lots of people tease and bully you about it

He did NOT handle it well 😳

"wHAT BLUBBERING DULL-MINDED PIGNUTS-" 🤬

Although this Dwarf is short and a bit slow at times

He's fascinatingly strong 😳

And so, he makes it his duty to be your designated carrier 🥺

At first, your a tad skeptical...

I mean, he's only around 4 feet tall...

BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HIM THROW THAT HUGE AX AROUND?!

Gimli will happily carry you great distances when you need a break, and even longer

(Sometimes it's just to show off around the others-)

"Gimli, are you sure you don't want a break?"

"Aye lass! The strength of Dwarves is unending!" 😌

*struggling to breathe*

11/10, fantastic dwarf, will never let you down!!

Thorin (Executive Dysfunction)

Another Dwarf??

Absolutely

Thorin himself has trouble keeping composure with his time management (and sense of direction 🙄)

This means that he'll have an undying amount of patience for you and you only

There's just something about you that he fond of, and it fills in that little sassy, brooding place in his heart

Can also relate to you whenever you grow frustrated at the setback of your journey or lack of sleep

Is 100% willing to help you find your lost belongings (and once again, ONLY YOU)

Thorin will literally make the whole traveling party stop so that you can put something in your bag and make sure that you put it somewhere you'll remember

Always happy to give you extra gentle reminders of keeping your pack closed

The company is utterly SHOCKED with how he treats you

I mean, this man has always been extremely stubborn and hard headed

But when you show up, it's another person he can easily relate and share frustrations with

Also a master at organization?!? 🤔

The one thing he could do successfully was organizing the damn journey and traveling company, so ofc he's gonna be good at that 😂

Yeah, Thorin definitely has a soft spot for you

King under the mountain will never run out of patience and kindness for you 😌💙

Sorry these took so long!! I hope you like them!! ❤❤

wrong house, right time

[joaquin torres x reader]

summary: Sometimes, life just sucks and nothing can be done. But when one (1) Joaquin Torres shows up to fix for air conditioner, your week gets just a little better.

word count: 2,262

a/n: I wasn't going to post this publicly, but @anna-phora told me to do it, so I'm accidentally stepping into MCU fic. Which like... was the eventual plan if I'm being honest. but this was written specifically for her because I'm a great friend. (edited so it's not including her name, lol)

________________________________________________

There are some weeks that are worse than others. You know this. You have accepted this It’s par for the course in life. But really – couldn’t Teacher Appreciation Week be better than the other weeks? It doesn’t even have to be by a lot. You’d take a smidge at this point. Hell, you’d take just about anything. You rested your head against the cool wood of your kitchen cabinet and sighed. On the counter, your phone chimed, signaling a text. A moment later, it chimed again.

“Better be something good,” you mumbled. You fumbled for it blindly, refusing to look for it. This week was exhausting. You weren’t going to move more than you had to for the next two days. After a few seconds, your fingertips bumped up against the edge. Unlocking it without looking, you finally cracked an eye open, pulling away from the cabinet just enough to catch a glimpse of your screen.

A second later, two more texts popped onto the screen.

You let out a snort of laughter as you read the messages. You’d almost forgot. One of your neighbors had recommended him, saying that a friend of a friend was pretty handy with fixing things, and would probably do it for a small fee. You’d hesitated at first, but thinking about how much money a handyman would be had swayed you over.

Glancing down at your dog, Darcy, you hummed softly. “If you’re extra nice, maybe he won’t charge us.”

You ran a hand over your face as you headed through the kitchen and to the front door. You hadn’t heard any knocking, so you assumed he was right in that he was at the wrong house. Opening up the door, you peered through the screen. It took a few seconds, but you spotted a guy slowly wandering down the sidewalk, eyes glued to his phone with a toolbox in his free hand. Every few seconds he would glance up, frown, and then look back to his phone. You figured that it was him, but you didn’t say anything. It was the safe thing to do, to not yell at random men from your house.

And besides, he was cute.

Your gaze slipped over him as he walked. Short hair, strong shoulders. Despite the distance, you could tell that he was handsome. A few more steps and he was one house down. Finally, you decided to put him out of his misery.

His head jerked up as he looked around, his gaze eventually settling on you. You quirked a brow at him and he held up his phone in question. You nodded, motioning for him to come inside. A grin stretched across his lips and something in your chest twisted.

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh no, he was really cute.

Very cute.

Handsome.

Shit.

You swallowed and mustered up a grin as he started up the steps. Darcy started barking, excited at the prospect of meeting literally anyone. You unlocked the screen door and took a few steps back, hooking your fingers through her collar to make sure she didn’t take a running leap at him.

“It’s open,” you called as he reached the door. Darcy barked, tugging forward in Joaquin’s direction. “Sorry about her, she’s just really friendly.”

Joaquin was already kneeling down, setting his toolbox down beside him. “It’s fine, I love dogs. You can let her go.” He paused. “If that’s okay?”

You shrug as you let her go. Darcy shot forward, leaping towards him with an excited bark. She was all over him, unable to decide whether jumping or nuzzling was the way to go. You straightened up, your heart already doing triple time at the sight.

“So,” he started, taking his eyes off of Darcy for a second to look up at you. “Your AC is acting up?”

You nodded. “I have no clue what’s going on with it, but it won’t work. Thank you so much for coming to check it out.”

“Oh, no problem at all,” he said, rubbing Darcy’s ears. Her tail wagged furiously. “Especially for a pretty girl.” Red crept up from his neck to his ears, flushing his face in a way that made him even more attractive. He ducked his head, bashful, as he focused solely on Darcy. “So what’s her name?” The sentence came out fast, like one long word.

“Oh, um, it’s Darcy.” Words were hard to form when the phrase ‘pretty girl’ was echoing around your brain.

“Like the author?” He lifted his head as he asked, a small grin tugging at the corner of his lips. “I had to read a lot of her stuff in high school. Pride and Prejudice was always my favorite.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he grinned. “You read a lot?”

You shrugged. “Well, I am a high school English teacher.”

Joaquin laughed and nodded his head. “So you read a hell of a lot, then?” His grin settled more into a smile as he -- somewhat unsubtly -- looked you up and down. A beat of silence, and then: “So, you wanna show me the unit?” He grabbed his toolbox and stood up, arching his back a little as he tried to stretch it out from being crouched down.

“Sure,” you said as you started up the stairs. It was quiet as the two of you walked.

“So when did it stop working?” Joaquin asked, breaking the silence.

“The other day. It just started to sputter a little bit and then quit after a few seconds.” You opened up the door and motioned him inside. The AC was still in the window, still mocking you as it sat in the hot, unmoving air.

“And it hasn’t started up since?”

“Nope. I’ve been dying of heatstroke since Wednesday.”

“Makes sense,” he said as he began to shrug off his jacket. The black t-shirt underneath fit him well.

A little too well, if you were being honest.

He stepped over to the unit and began to lift the window up, as though he were planning to get it out by himself when it was clearly a two-person job.

“You need help?” You asked, already moving towards him.

“I’ve got it, I’m strong,” he said, waving you away. You went to argue with him, but he was already wrapping his arms around the thing. With his attention focused on lifting the unit out of the window, you were free to watch as his muscles strained. What was a two-person job for you was easily a one-person job for him. He took his time in setting it on the ground, guiding it down gently. He pressed his lips together as he sat down on the ground and reached for his toolbox. He looked up to where you were still standing.

“Oh, did you want me to -- I can head downstairs? So I don’t bother you?” You took a step back, but paused as he shrugged.

“Or you could stay up here. I wouldn’t mind the company.”

Your stomach flipped. You stepped inside and took a seat on the ground a few feet away from him, making it a little harder for Darcy to investigate what he was doing. That was it. You were there to keep Darcy away. But as you sat there, you realized that you had no clue what to talk about? What was he into?

It was quiet for a few seconds before he asked what your favorite movie was. And suddenly, the two of you were off. Time passed quickly as you spoke, moving from favorite movies to books to exchanging family stories. You learned that he was in the military, and traveled often. You’d asked what he did, and he just shrugged his shoulders, looking from the AC unit to you, and smirked.

“Stuff.”

“Like top-secret stuff?”

“Oh yeah,” he’d said, holding the smirk for another second before laughing. The corners of his eyes crinkled when he laughed.

You liked it.

Despite it feeling as though no time at all had passed, he announced the culprit -- a bad wire -- and it seemed like once he’d figured it out, he was done. But when you glanced at the time on your phone, your eyes widened. Two hours had gone by.

You shifted your gaze over to the window as Joaquin straightened up and tried out the AC unit. It worked like a charm. He nodded and gave the unit a little pat, as though silently congratulating it for working once more.

“So how much do I owe you?” You asked as he turned to face you.

“Nothing, that was easy.”

“That was two hours, I have to give you something.”

He shook his head. “Your company was enough.”

“Come on, let me--”

“Y/N,” he said, taking a step forward. “Your company was worth it, I’m not accepting your money.” He pressed his lips together, looking as though he wanted to say something more when his phone went off. He glanced down at it and sighed. “One sec?” He asked, already swiping to answer the call. “Hey Mom, yeah I -- yeah. Yeah, yes. I can pick that up. You want me to snag one for Grandma, too? No, I just finished fixing up the AC, I -- She’s -- Mom.” You couldn’t tell what was being said, but his cheeks were starting to flush. You could hear laughter on the other end of the line. “Yeah, yeah. I’ve got to go. I’ll see you in a bit.”

You raised a brow. “Your mom?”

“Yeah, she wants me to stop by the store on my way to visit her.” He glanced from you to Darcy and sighed. “I should probably be on my way out.”

Disappointment made itself at home in your chest. “Right, yeah,” you said, heading towards the door. The two of you made your way down the stairs, Darcy following happily behind. When you reached the first floor, you went to lean against the couch. Joaquin had his hands in his jacket pockets as he made it a few steps after you. He stood there, shifting his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other.

“Thank you, seriously. I cannot thank you enough for fixing that,” you said.

He shook his head and grinned softly. “It was no problem, Y/N.” He took a few steps towards the door before turning back to look at you. “I’ll see you around?”

You returned his grin with one of your own. “You’ve got my number.”

His grin grew even wider before he turned and headed out the door. Darcy trotted over to the door after it closed, her eyes tracking his every move as he headed towards the sidewalk. You watched for another second before calling Darcy away from the door. A minute and one treat later, the two of you were cuddled up on the couch. Idly, you switched tabs from Facebook to Tumblr, trying your hardest to avoid thinking about the last couple of hours before you heard your phone go off. Thumbing into your messages, your face instantly lit up.

________________________________________________

Two months later, you found yourself walking towards a small, hole-in-the-wall bar tucked into a sidestreet. Joaquin’s hand on the small of your back as you walked, you trying not to laugh as he gave you what felt like a rundown before one of his missions.

“Just… ignore them if they try to embarrass me, okay? I’m much cooler than whatever they say.”

You laughed. “Are you, though? Are you really?”

“Hey,” he said, giving you an indignant look as he held the door open for you. You stepped inside, taking note of how warm it was inside. People crowded around tables, the low hum of voices occasionally getting louder when the television in the corner showed someone making a basket. Joaquin tapped your shoulder, nodding to the right. “I am very cool, I’ll have you know. Just last week, I –”

“Hey, Torres!” A voice called from a back booth. Joaquin sighed as he stepped in front of you and lead you towards the booth. “Weren’t you the one to say, ‘be there at seven and don’t be late, I really like this girl?’ And you’re what, thirty minutes late?”

“Thirty-two minutes late, by my count,” another voice chimes in as the two of you get closer. You’re already grinning as you note how Joaquin ducked his head.

You lean forward, just close enough so he’ll be able to hear you. “You really like this girl, huh?”

It was difficult to hear his response with his back turned to you, but you watched as his shoulders slumped and caught what sounded like a “not you too.” You tilted your head back and laughed, bright and airy, as you approached the table. Your eyes settled on the two men crowded into the booth, your laugh cutting off as recognition settled in.

He hadn’t said that they were these friends.

“Y/N, we’ve heard a lot about you. Like a lot about you.”

He’d only ever talked about work in the abstract, which made sense. It wasn’t like he could go on, telling you all the details about whatever mission he was on. But he’d spoken of coworkers and even one that had become a friend. But he’d never mentioned names, or the context of things, or…

“Honestly, the kid doesn’t shut up about you.”

Or the fact that they were literal Avengers.

Joaquin groaned. “Can you two—”

Sam Wilson settled back into his seat and grinned as he motioned for you to sit down. “I’m Sam, this is Bucky. It’s good to finally meet you.”

Johann Georg Faust - 2nd Birthday (His POV) - Yet Another Terrible Summary

(Faust: "...The children will wake up.")

Here is my irreverent, only nominally-guaranteed accurate rendition of Faust’s 2nd birthday story in his POV.

(We start with a one-liner, ‘narrator voice’ Faust saying how he had learned from a very young age that the world was an absurd place.)

It’s February 28th, and at his church, MC has arrived with a bag she offers him, claiming they’re delicious treats she wanted to share. He asks if she’s there to celebrate his birthday, pointing out to her there’s no February 29th this year. She deflates, grumbling that she hadn’t expected him to see through things so quickly, and he tells her that if she does something like that out of the blue of course he’s going to wonder why.

He can’t believe she’s trying again, after he’d told her last year he didn’t want to celebrate and that the day was meaningless - it’s merely the day he was found after having been abandoned as a baby. No sentimentality to it. But he can also clearly recall the way she’d told him last year she wanted him to be happy on his birthday...and bemused by that sentiment still, he takes the proffered bag.

He says that if it’s a gift, he’ll take it because he can think of someone it’ll make happy. MC finally notices the small child hovering around when he says this, and she has a spittake moment of ILLEGITIMATE KIDDO?? Faust teases her about having a very wild imagination, causing her to sputter, and he pinches her cheeks lightly at her flailings before he hands the bag of candy off to the little boy.

The child seem incredulous at the gift, but MC assures him she’d be happy if he ate it, and she asks him his name. The boy tells her it is Hugo in a small voice. She asks Hugo if he’s from around here, but Faust answers for him - he says he is, but he’s due to circumstances he’s about to take the child to the orphanage now.

MC surprises him by asking if it’s no bother, can she come along too? He tells her it makes no matter to him - wondering to himself if she’s worried about the kiddo. She thanks him, and urges little Hugo to get ready to go, his little hand fast in hers.

They’re greeted by the orphanage matron when they arrive, who kindly welcomes Hugo to his new home. MC hands the boy off with a soft look, and Faust is all in a hurry to leave now that his duty is done...when one of the orphan children notices the priest and the lady and calls out to them.

Spotted, Faust thinks, and no sooner has the first kid called out than the rest of the kids come running over as well, all crowding around him and clamoring for them to stay and play.

Faust immediately shuts the idea down, but MC cajoles that if they have time, they should stay and play. He warns her that she will only regret the idea - when they’re interrupted by the matron asking if they wouldn’t mind actually? She’s short-handed on help and needs to step out to get some things but can’t leave the kids unattended.

She really is not taking no for an answer, and thus Faust and MC find themselves babysitting the orphanage until she returns.

Some time later, Faust is pulling an ‘I told you so’ on an exhausted MC, who’s been run ragged by the eager children. She flops to a seat, and looks up at him soberly, where he’d just picked up a child and put them to sleep. She observes that he’s good with the children, and he says he has practice - he used to take care of some a long time ago.

He spares a moment to wonder to himself how many of them grew up to lead out their lives, given how life in an orphanage long ago was far from easy. Then as he’s looking out over the children he realizes they’re short one, and says as much aloud.

MC and he go searching, and shortly they find Hugo outside near the gates, huddled and shivering in the cold winter air. Faust realizes this is more than simply being sad about his new surroundings, and it’s MC tries to herd him inside so he doesn’t catch a cold.

But little Hugo balks, and he says no, he wants to stay here - if he caught a cold and died, would he meet his mom and dad in heaven?

Faust realizes from the stunned expression on MC’s face that she’s finally understood the truth of Hugo’s situation. His parents both had died in an accident and he was forced to enter the orphanage when no one came to collect him after the funeral. Faust thinks it’s not unreasonable for Hugo to be saddened, but…

“There’s no guarantee you’ll meet someone who has passed on. It’s pointless to choose death for that,” he tells Hugo. “Unless of course someone were to be dissected after death for posterity...then their death wouldn’t be a total waste.”

MC sputters at him for saying such a thing to a child, but Faust is remorseless, still thinking it’s foolish to have any hopes or expectations for after death. As a priest, he often tells people that ‘those who pass on are ushered into the kingdom of heaven’...but he himself has never seen Heaven, or God provide any sort of salvation.

Hugo wonders aloud why his mom and dad had to die? Why did God decide such a thing?

Faust tells him that the world is an absurd place and urges him that if he has any sort of doubts, to think about how he can live in defiance of his destiny...rather than letting winter’s cold choose life or death for him. He takes his jacket off and slips it over those tiny shoulders, and watches as MC wipes away the tears that fall from Hugo’s eyes, comforting him.

He thinks...that he cannot recall what sadness is, what it feels like anymore. But he can tell how incredibly warm the hand MC slips into Hugo’s is.

After they’ve gotten the children all settled for their nap, MC replaces Faust’s jacket with a blanket on the sleeping Hugo and turns to him, holding it as she stares at him. He finally asks her, what?? And she asks what sort of children it was he’d spent time with in the past.

Faust teases her about asking something out of the blue like that, and for being so keenly interested - startling him when she unapologetically agrees that she does want to know about him, and if he tells her she’ll return his jacket.

Faust grumbles that it’s a lame deal, given that it’s not a fun story to hear...but he doesn’t get the impression that she’s asking out of idle curiosity or a whim alone, so he indulges her. He tells her that when he was a baby, he was found by an older nun and grew up in an orphanage located in an old church. He says that they were terribly poor, but he survived, and when he got older he helped take care of the other children. Many of them would die before winter’s end, or disappear after being taken in by foster parents.

Eventually, he was fostered out himself and the nun who raised him died of an illness, and the orphanage was closed. End of story.

He thinks that the abbreviated version he told her was the parts that didn’t hurt...but she still looks up at him with a sadness in her eyes when she asks what sort of woman was the nun?

Faust says that she was incredibly kind, too kind to ignore an abandoned child, and probably too compassionate for her own good.

He thinks how she was kind up until the very end, giving and giving of herself to anyone….and he recalls a time when she’d come to him.

“Thank you for taking care of everyone, Johann” she had said. “But why don’t you put the books down and go play?”

“It’s fine. Even if I make friends with them, they will all leave someday,” he had told her.

“Johann...The reason why you never cry is because you keep your sadness locked away…”

He can still see the sad smile she had worn and hear the conversation they’d had, rising to the surface of a sea of old memories. He coldly waits for those lingering remnants to pass...when his reverie is interrupted by MC telling him she’s thankful the woman found little Faust. That even if the world is an absurd place, she’s happy to be able to celebrate his birthday with him now.

Her words stun him into silence, leaving him only able to stare at her faint smile. He’d never thought of it that way - the consideration to be thankful for such a thing. Her words shed a new light on his cold memories, and sneak their way into his heart.

He teases her though, saying that she speaks of odd things and he wonders if she’s merely angling to dig through people’s pasts and root out their weaknesses. A sputtering MC vehemently denies she’d do such a thing and accuses him of being a smartass, and righteously stomps towards him to shove the jacket back at him...when she steps on a stray toy block, loses her footing, and crashes into him.

They both tumble to the ground, her atop him, and she’s staring down at him wide-eyed as she beings babbling apologies - only to have them fade into muffled sounds when he quickly reaches up and presses her face onto his chest to stifle her voice.

“You’ll wake the children,” he warns her...though he pauses a moment to linger on the soft feel of her cheek on his bare skin, where his shirt has fallen into disorder. He’s thinking, this woman is unbelievable, as he chides her for such - sighing heavily and asking if she gets a kick out of bothering him.

But he’s getting a kick out of her blushing face and her averted eyes, the sight stirring his mean streak enough that he can’t let the opportunity to give her a hard time pass. He teases her about being the one with the red face when she pushed him down...and is amused by her appalled reaction. He says she’s something else to straddle a man with a face like that, right next to a bunch of sleeping children...and he strokes his hands up the thighs that bracket his hips, enjoying the little sigh she lets out.

The moment is broken by a soft sound from one of the children tossing in their sleep, and MC leaps off him like a scalded cat. The whole situation is so incredibly absurd that Faust can’t help laughing, even if it’s met by a glare from MC as she asks him what is so funny.

He’s still chuckling as he points out her reaction, and how amusing it all was...all the while thinking, it has been a very long time since he has laughed so much. He slips back on the jacket she shoves at him, and tells her that he never gets tired of watching her - he wants to keep her close at hand, so he can observe her always.

His words have her turning her face away, but the look in her eyes before she does makes him happy. He wants to know more about her, he thinks. What manner of things would he discover, if he caught her and kept her all to himself, and figured out what made her tick? Her presence in this world, that he looks at through such cold eyes, stirs his heart.

FIN

(many thanks as always to @mikotomizuki for giving this a second set of eyes!)