I... I made these for the playlist and then just forgot to use them... WHY???

Okay, some post-shower thoughts about Hummingbird Salamander (spoilers under the cut):

Overall, a solid thriller-mystery. Jane was an excellent anti-hero, smart and strong but still not so much that she could easily defeat any obstacle. A thrill-seeking office worker who's torn between boredom at her normal suburban life and a deep love for her family (though she tries to downplay it).

The mystery is complex, full of twists and dead-ends and doubling-back, but not so much so that it stops making sense. I love the settings - Vandermeer is very good at the urban-fantasy thing of making ordinary buildings or businesses into more than what they are. The backstory that's revealed throughout is heartbreaking as much as it is informative - telling us more about Jane as a person than anything she writes about the present.

I did feel like this book could've been about 50 pages shorter - maybe ending after Jack abandons her on the mountain, instead of her going to live in the woods for 5 years. Maybe she doesn't meet Silvina anyway, but after that climactic fight there's a bit of an unnecessary lull in the story. Or maybe after meeting Silvina she leaves for a few years, but either way it just seems like the ending is very delayed and a little anticlimactic.

I do wish we got more of the backstory of Silvina, Langer, and Jack's entanglement, because for a lot of the book even after we learn more about them, it still just seems like Jane's unwittingly stepped in some lover's quarrel. A lover's quarrel where everyone thinks one person built a bioweapon and therefore must never be found in case the finder somehow detonates said weapon.

Also, Silvina. She doesn't quite hit right for me. She's not mysterious enough to play the revered cult leader, or tangible enough to truly impact the story. Often I wondered why Jane kept going when there seemed little motivation to - there never seems to be any goal, even a vague one, especially since Jane thinks Silvina is dead for most of the book. Also, I understand the author wanted to ride the line of showing Slivina as a revered environmentalist and also showing her failures - she's a billionaire's daughter who, while her goals were good, did a whole lot of evil to get there - but at times it didn't seem like Jane even revered her enough to be following her. She was mysterious, but not intriguing enough to understand why Jane kept searching for her clues after the Larry incident.

I think since we know Jane is writing all of this, it would make more sense if she played up Silvina's mystery and goodness even more and the bad things were more subtly told to the reader (just like with Ned in the backstory).

Also, strangely for a book about climate change, it doesn't seem to make any huge statements about that. Like, yes, the earth does get very bad over the course of the book, but it's the same scenario we've seen a dozen times before in eco-apocalypse tales. Jane seems concerned by it, but also not. Silvina was definitely concerned by it, but for 75% of the book she's thought to be either an eco-terrorist trying to kill all humans or an animal-smuggling fake who gave up when the going got too tough and only managed to build a glorified strip mall.

At the end, instead of trying to save the world, she attempts to change herself (and Ronnie and Jane) and release a pathogen that will somehow make humans...care about the environment more because otherwise they'll be very uncomfortable? I think? I'm unclear on what the goal was there, or how it can stop this ball from rolling downhill. Either way, she most likely failed.

Actually, thinking back to Annihilation and Borne, Vandermeer's climate themes always seem to lean towards "humanity cannot save earth, we have to go through the apocalypse and be reborn for the world to be cleansed." Which...not something I personally agree with but definitely interesting to read.

All in all: a solid book, not one of my favourite Vandermeers (probably third from the bottom, I think, just above Dead Astronauts and Ambergris), but still intriguing and worth a read!

HIIII!! i wrote something fun and cute about amelia bringing scout to work with her :))) 

           It was only two days, three nights without Link but according to Scout he has been gone foooorever. Scout says it’s been years since he’s seen his father, even though it has been two days and he even saw Link over Facetime the day before. He had to fly out of Seattle for a surgery because the patient wasn’t stable enough to travel to the orthopaedic surgeon, so Link had to go to them. Scout was upset, saying he hadn’t seen daddy in a very long time and that he missed him, so Amelia let Scout share the bed with her that night.

           She was woken up from the morning sunrise rays creeping through a space in the closed curtains, the little bit of sunlight managing to light up the bedroom. There was a soft breathing beside her and it was Scout, in the middle of the bed and curled into her side as if he didn’t have any room on the other side of the bed. The corner of the blanket was only covering his legs, the rest of his body uncovered and he was laying on his back. One of his arms was laid across his belly, and the other was laying flat above his head and his shirt was slightly bunched up, revealing his belly button.

             He looked so calm and peaceful, and his sandy brown hair was messy, pieces of it falling in front of his closed eyes. The day before, Scout refused to go to school because he didn’t want to, and his excuse would be because daddy wasn’t here, and that was all he would say when Amelia would ask why. It took her to promise him that he could join her at work for the day if it meant he would go to school, so today, as she promised, it was bring your kid to work day.

              “Angel,” Amelia whispered softly, sitting up from the bed and sitting up, her back against the head board. “Scout.” She said a bit louder this time, a free hand brushing through his hair.

               His long eyes lashes revealed his deep blue eyes, matching Amelia’s, (she likes to think he has her eye color, even though Link would disagree saying they both had blue eyes) and he was letting out a huff, before stretching his body out. “Good morning, angel.” She saw Link in him so much, and no matter how many people said they saw her in him as well, all she could see was a mini Link and it made her heart flutter everytime.

                “As I promised, you’ll be coming to work with me today,” she said, the corners of her lips curling into a soft smile. “But we have to get ready.”

                 There was excitement all of his face and it was like he forgot why he was so sad the previous night, because he was already jumping—-literally jumping out of bed. He squealed out a yay and was already running to his bedroom to try and find himself some clothes, even though Amelia knew she’d soon have to go and help him because the clothes he’d be pick would be awful.

                After the two of them finished getting ready for their day, they both stood facing the mirror and Scout was standing on a stool because otherwise he would have barely reached the sink. (His height is definitely from her.) Scout pulled out his own toothbrush and mirrored his mom, the two of them brushing their teeth and Scout was messy, but at least he was doing it. There was toothpaste all over his face and it was running down his hands and he wasn’t exactly clean when he was spitting it into the sink. He made sure to match his mom, brushing his teeth for the same amount of time as she did before they had to leave.

               She gave him the run down on the way to work, saying he had to be on his best behaviour because she was working and that sometimes her job can be busy. She’s never had an issue with Scout misbehaving but sometimes, his energy, especially when he’s excited, can be high and around patients she needed him to know that he had to be good.

               She didn’t have any surgeries scheduled today, she made sure that her day was light, a couple consults and follow-up on post-ops. Scout was going to be her lefthand, assisting her whenever she needed, or at least she was going to let him think he was helping her.

              He wore a white coat, Link’s to be specific, and he was drowning in it. It came down past his knees and the sleeves were longer than his own arms but Scout insisted he continued to wear it because it was his dad’s.

              He came with her on rounds, and she allowed him to carry around the tablet, it being too big for him to carry with one hand. They were stopped in between patients because nurses and other doctors would stop them, introducing themselves and because some would just squeal and talk about how cute he was.

              There was a consult in the pit that she got paged to, and she brought him along. He was no longer carrying the tablet, instead he put both hands in the front coat (very large) pockets because his mom had her hands in her coat pockets and he wanted to be like her.

             “What do we got?” Amelia asked, pulling the curtain open to reveal a patient on the table, a few scratches and bruises covering his body and Meredith was there, giving a consult as well.

             “MVC,” Meredith started, pulling her blue gloves off of her hands. “Has a head lac.” Turning around, she bent down to get eye level with Scout before he was giggling and throwing his arms around her neck.

             “Auntie Mer!” He was yelling now, excitement flooding his face. Amelia was examining the patient, using her flashlight to check his pupils.

             “It just looks like a mild concussion, but order a head CT to rule out any bleeding, just in case.” She told the nurse, her hand was put back into her pocket along with her small flashlight.

             “Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln,” Meredith nodded, a smile pulling at her face because the look of her nephew in an oversized white coat was too cute. Meredith could see Link in him, as well, but he had some of Amelia’s qualities.

             “He looks so much like Link,” Meredith commented before she stood up, facing Amelia. “He’s got your smile though.”

             Scout went to stand next to his mom, matching her posture, (trying to) with arms crossed over his chest, just like she was. Amelia looked down at him while Scout was looking between the two, happiness radiating from him. “He’s definitely going to be a heartbreaker.” Amelia joked, causing a chuckle to come from Meredith.

            “Mommy let me come to work with her today, instead of school!” He was cheering, his smile reaching his eyes.

             “Well, I think you’re going to have a lot of fun here!” Meredith replied, her smile was warm and her eyes met Amelia’s. They were both thinking the same thing; if only Derek were here to see this.

             After they shared their goodbyes, they were leaving the emergency room and making their way to the attendings lounge, because she needed a coffee. Upon entering, Scout was talking about her job as if he was a doctor, saying that he was the best worker in the whole building, better than her, too. In the attendings lounge they were met up with Bailey, Webber and Jo, who squealed and immediately stood from her seat.

             “Oh ..my ...god,” Jo said, pulling out her phone to take a picture. “He’s a mini Link!” Bailey and Webber adverted their eyes from each other, to look over at Scout who was smiling for the camera, the smile taking over his face and one arm of the jacket falling off of his shoulder.

              Pouring herself a coffee, she also grabbed one of the doughnuts that were provided and handed it to Scout, who looked like he had just won the lottery. “Someone is one lucky guy.” Bailey spoke up, walking over to the three of them. “I’m Miranda—Dr. Bailey.” She held her hand out as a casual greeting, as Scout’s small hand grabbed her and they were shaking hands.

               “I’m Scout!” He introduced himself, as if nobody in the building knew him. “Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln!!”

               “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln.” Bailey was laughing, Scout gently shaking her hand. He was making his way around the room, going up to each person to show them the flashlight he borrowed from Amelia, and showing off his jacket.

                She was watching him in awe, he was perfect. She never imagined her life with kids, but now she can’t imagine her life without him. It was crazy to her that it was possible for her— anyone, to love someone this much. Sometimes she could feel all of her love in her entire body, she just wanted to hug him so tightly and never let him go. He is her entire world.

               “Alright, well,” Amelia was heading towards the door. “We’ve got work to do.”

_____

                It was her lunch break, Link made sure to call at least twice today because he wanted to talk to Scout and he wanted to remind Amelia that he loved her. The two of them had rounded on her post-up patients, Scout putting a smile on all of her patients faces. For most of her patients, Scout would try and repeat whatever his mom was telling them although he failed because he couldn’t pronounce half of the words; nor did he understand. Amelia ended up finding a second flashlight and she let Scout hold onto it, shining it into peoples eyes at the same time she did it, pretending he knew what he was looking for. 

              At the table sat her and Scout, as well as Meredith and Maggie. Scout was telling Maggie about her day, and the sleeve of the jacket was getting into the ketchup and fries that was on his plate, and she’ll made a mental note to wash it before Link saw it. “Baby, let’s take Daddy’s jacket off before it gets dirty.” She was reaching over now, pulling the jacket off of both of his arms and placed it in her lap where it will be safe.

              Link called just before he had gone into surgery, mentioning that Jo had sent him the photos of Scout earlier and he made sure to tell Scout that the jacket looked better on him than it did on himself. So now, Scout was telling everyone that the jacket was no longer Link’s but that it was his. He told Maggie about how he looked into everyone’s eyes and how he helped her treat a patient (even though he didn’t), and he also told her that he was the best doctor in the whole entire world. 

             Before she had a chance to finish her lunch, her pager was going off and she was being paged to a surgery, her now light day not being so light. “I’m being paged to OR 3,” she was standing from her chair. “Okay, Scout, you’re going to have to stay with Aunt Maggie just for a bit because I’m needed somewhere and you can’t come with me.” She was glancing over at Maggie now. “That’s okay, right?

“Perfectly fine.” Maggie nodded and she was kissing Scout before she left, making her way to the OR. Scout continued talking about his day with Meredith and Maggie, completely forgetting about the french fries and hot dog that he begged Amelia for. 

Invisible String - Chapter One

ao3 - ff.net - masterpost

back on my bullshit, y’all! got a new multi-chap. here’s a summary:

There's no love lost between Nesta Archeron and the Cauldron. It stole life from her, so she stole Death from it. But not long after the war, Nesta realizes it gave her something, too: a mate.

Nesta knows any gift the Cauldron gives her is only for the worst, and it doesn't take very much to see how, so she does her best to keep it to herself. When someone's truth magic reveals her secret, and a number of relationships pay the price, Nesta knows what she has to do: destroy the mating bond.

On her journey to new lands, Nesta learns her own soul and discovers how her fate is decided, and whether love works into that equation at all.

and without further ado here’s chapter one!

---

It is, like most things, not Nesta's fault when her mating secret gets out.

People mock her for that, she knows. Roll their eyes. She knows they think her childish, that she's not taking responsibility for her actions. But she rarely acts at all; perfectly content to sit quietly on an armchair by herself, reading a book. It's the whole rest of the world that seems determined to keep her from peace.

When she feels it dawn upon her, like a sort of snap in her soul, she innately knows something is wrong. It's not something she wants. Not that it's something she wants but doesn't think she deserves, not something she wants but not right now, just something she does not want.

First of all, the idea sickens her. Especially when she looks at Feyre. Her soul tied to another, whether she likes it or not. It's not equal, despite what her sister thinks. It can't be equal, not when there's centuries'-perhaps millenia's-worth of bloody history, of male violence and aggression. Playing into that makes her want to vomit.

Second, this is not her choice, as Feyre now loves to say. This is that thing's choice-the Cauldron. And obviously, something that hated Nesta as much as the Cauldron did doesn't want anything good for her. So it has to be the wrong choice.

And she knows it with every pulse of blood, every link of bone. He is wrong for her. It's to punish her; that's why the Cauldron did it. It looked and saw what would hurt her the most, hurt her loved ones the most. And forced him upon her.

Well. She's not going to have any hand in it. And she's kept that up for months, with not so much as a word to anyone, and avoiding him at all costs, so there's no chance of him confronting her about it, in case he suddenly changes his mind.

But Elain's got some ridiculous dinner planned, and she can't afford to risk hurting her anymore than she already has, so she goes. And he's there-they're all there.

Nesta sits by Elain, with their backs to the open window. Cassian is on the other end of the table, but he is pointedly looking anywhere but her. Especially at Mor, right next to him.

Fine. That's just fine. She doesn't care.

"This is delicious, Elain," Rhys says to her, and she beams at him, taking the dish and passing it to Azriel on her other side.

They compliment her in turn, more gentle than Nesta normally sees them. Even Amren. She knows Feyre, switching between gazing lovingly at Elain and surveying all of them from the head of the table with narrowed eyes, has something to do with it. While Nesta thinks she herself can never be too vigilant with Elain's feelings in her-er-fragile state, she's not sure she trusts Feyre to handle the situation properly.

As she tilts her head back to drink from the glass of wine she's poured herself, the gust of wind that blows in through the back window teases a strand out of her braid, and she knows she's right not to. Because Feyre stiffens, looks at her, and says, "What's that in your hair?"

Everyone turns to Nesta, and it's all she can do to keep her face from burning. "It's called a coronet," she says through gritted teeth, knowing full well that's not what Feyre means.

"No. That smell."

"Vanilla scented soap," she says coldly.

Feyre's mouth parts open a little. "Are you...mated?"

"Of course not," she snaps.

Nesta keeps her eyes determinedly away from them all-from their wide eyes, white faces. What right do they have, anyway?

Another slight breeze strengthens Nesta's scent in the room-and they can smell it on her. Smell him. And this ridiculous...this unwanted...bond.

"It's Az." Cassian's voice is flat, hollow, seems to echo in the otherwise silent room as they all register what he said.

Nesta doesn't entertain their silence. "Of course it is not," she says forcefully.

Morrigan lets out a small gasp. "It is," she says, voice catching.

Nesta swears inwardly. Her stupid truth magic. She had forgotten.

There's nowhere to look now. Not at either of her sister's faces-one desperately trying to catch her eye, one staring at her lap, unmoving; not at Rhysand and Amren looking at each other; not at Morrigan, whose eyes are flickering between her and Azriel; not Azriel himself, for she has never wanted anything to do with him and she will not start now; and most of all, not at Cassian.

In a most unbecoming display, Nesta, hands curled against the table, shoves herself backwards-Feyre flinches at the sound of the chair scraping against the floor-launches herself up, and, seething, sweeps violently out of the room.

She can barely see, for all the anger burning her vision. Can't hear, either, for the roar in her ears, but she knows her sister well enough not to be taken by surprise when she leaps out in front of her.

"Nesta!" Feyre cries. "I'm so sorry-I had no idea-I'm sorry, I-"

"When are you going to learn," she hisses, "not to intervene in matters that do not concern you?"

Feyre's eyes shine silver-this she did not expect. "I'm sorry-I thought-I thought-"

"I know what you thought."

"I'm sorry," she repeats miserably.

Nesta doesn't reply. What is she supposed to say to Elain now? She probably won't show any anger; just retreat even further into herself. Wonderful.

"And Elain..." Feyre says. "Oh, this is all my fault, Nesta!"

"I know that," she snaps.

"I just thought..."

"I'm not interested in hearing your excuses." Her voice is a particular sort of harsh she never uses with her sister.

But Feyre, to her credit, does not flinch. She only closes her mouth, nods once, and says, quiet, sorrowful, "You're right."

This irritates Nesta even more. She knows she's right. She doesn't need to be told. "Go home. Do not talk to Elain," she says.

"Are you going to talk to her?"

"I need to think. Go home."

"What about-?"

"Do as I say." Nesta marches past her and makes her way to her apartment. The walk normally takes longer; she's there within a quarter hour.

She rips her scarf off and throws it down. It doesn't crash, obviously, just falls limply on the floor. Not satisfying. Does little to assuage her anger at...everything.

Such rage she feels. At Feyre for ruining the façade she had built. At circumstance. At Azriel, for existing, for allowing a blossoming something to occur between him and Elain when he knew, he knew they had this stupid bond and obviously that could only ever end in one way: her sister's heartbreak.

And at Cassian. Whenever she leaves her apartment, she can feel his presence somewhere above her, tracking her. He'll find some way to corner her whenever she drags herself to Feyre's house, to irritate her or try to provoke her. How she'd hiss at him and hurl insults to get him to leave her alone. And now what is it that has stopped his incessant obsession of finding her wherever she hides? This thing that she didn't even choose. It's honestly disrespectful, above all. Irking her was his favorite pastime until now, only because she's been marked by some ancient thing.

Then she feels more anger at Azriel, because a part of her isn't angry, it's sorrowful and pitying, and then she realizes-that isn't her. That feeling inside of her own body-it isn't hers! It's his!

And it's...close.

Nesta whips around and rips open her door, some tiny bit of her hoping she is wrong about who it is.

She isn't.

"I came to see how you're doing," he says, in that low, cold voice of his. Cold enough to make her shiver. For all the wrong reasons. Perhaps it takes time to get used to, but they've barely ever spoken.

"I'm fine," she says shortly. Then, "You should not have come."

"We need to talk."

"We do not."

He doesn't offer a retort, only stares at her. If she couldn't feel his ever-present sadness, she wouldn't be able to read him at all.

"I would like to talk, please," he says finally.

Nesta locks her jaw but steps aside to let him pass. He sits down on one of her couches, wings drawn tight against his back-she does not have any of their big armchairs to accommodate them. She takes her seat across from him.

She has not been alone with him very often, but every time, she is struck anew by how it feels when they are together. It feels...like nothing at all. No, worse than nothing. Because this is a mistake. Some magnet inside of her is pulling them together...but she doesn't want it.

"I'm sorry this happened," he says. "I should have taken better precautions. I know we agreed...to keep this between us."

The one time they had spoken, he means. When they both felt the bond snap into place. She had not known what it was, how it worked. He had explained it all to her. Naturally, she had been horrified.

"So now...we're...we're just... we have to..."

"No," he had said firmly. "We don't have to do anything. The mating bond...it's always going to be there. A part of you-us. But we can just ignore it."

"We can ignore it?" Nesta asks, thinking of when she had watched her sister and her own mate, before they had gotten together. Even then Nesta had thought their connection remarkable, how they moved in sync with each other.

She'd been horrified, even without knowing any magic was involved.

"We can," he said. Hesitated. "It's...it might be...there'll always be a pull. But we don't...care for each other like that. So it shouldn't really affect you too much."

"And you?" she'd asked.

"It won't affect me either," he said forcefully.

But he had been wrong. It has affected her-and now it's ruined her.

"What other precautions would you have taken?" she asks. "Was there something we weren't doing?" For she knows they did everything they could. They kept apart, never even spoke about each other to anyone. Everything taken care of...but her meddling baby sister.

He doesn't answer, but she can feel him begrudgingly accept her words. How she loathes this-this invasive, parasitic feeling. It's not as miserable as it might be, of course, neither of them are Daemati, so they aren't constantly bombarded with each other's thoughts like Feyre and Rhysand, but his presence in her mind...his emotions...like she never has a minute to herself anymore.

And he's so cold. Every part of him is so cold. Even when he's happy-when he's listening to Elain chatter about her garden or training with Cassian or doing whatever the hell with Morrigan, whatever she does in her spare time-even then it's a detached, guarded sort of feeling.

"I wanted to tell you I understand you're upset, but there's no reason why things have to change."

Nesta looks at him sharply. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"We are still in agreement regarding our own relationship," he says evenly, "and I know...well, this doesn't have to affect any other relationships we may have."

"Did you come here for reassurance from me? Because you're not going to get any," she says, blunt.

"I believe I was reassuring you."

"You forget," Nesta says, a grim set to her face, "I know when you're lying."

He gives her a rueful smile. "So you do."

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Nesta says, "Look, Elain just needs some space. She's private. But I'll talk to her tomorrow and explain."

He doesn't answer. Why he bothers pretending like he doesn't fancy her sister around her, she doesn't quite understand.

It's not that Nesta wants him to have a relationship with Elain. It's just that she needs Elain to know that there is nothing going on between the two of them and there never has been and there never will be. She tells him as much.

"You are at perfect liberty to tell your sister anything you desire, of course," he says, but she can feel his relief.

"All right," she says, standing up. "That's settled. It'll be fine. But they'll all see we've been this way for months and nothing has happened so nothing needs to change."

"Right."

"Your coming here to speak to me is an outlier," she says. "You should tell them that."

"Would you like me to tell someone?"

Nesta clenches her fists. His tone is careful, measured, but it doesn't matter, because she knows what he's asking.

And her answer is no. Not even a little bit.

"Tell Feyre," she says, "so she doesn't get any more prying ideas."

He nods his head once. He doesn't like how she speaks of Feyre, she knows, but he doesn't say anything, which she appreciates.

Besides, she realizes, pleasantly surprised, he's not too happy with her either.

---

Nesta lets herself into Feyre's riverfront home after a trek through the gardens reveals Elain is inside. Mercifully, she makes it to her room without bumping into anyone.

Perhaps it's less mercy and more everyone is avoiding her, but no matter. She doesn't care. In fact, she prefers it this way.

"Elain?" she calls, knocking softly on her door. She opens it slowly and peeks her head in.

Her sister is lying on her bed, still in her nightthings. She stirs as Nesta sits down next to her.

"Nesta," she says sleepily.

"You're still in bed?" Perhaps her optimism from last night's conversation with Azriel is misplaced.

"No, no, I was just taking a nap."

She's...lying. Elain is lying to her.

And she's in bed at one o' clock in the afternoon.

"Oh," Nesta says. "Well. I just came to talk to you..."

"There's nothing to say," Elain says.

Nesta bites the inside of her cheek. "Yes there is. I need to tell you that Azriel and I are not in a relationship."

"Oh, Nesta-"

"And we don't ever want to be in one."

"It's none of my business, of course-"

"Don't be ridiculous," Nesta says, slightly bewildered. Elain had very much considered Nesta's two or three suitors entirely her business when they were silly human girls; why should this be any different? "But it's not real, anyway. It's a mistake."

Elain goes very still. "It's not," she says quietly.

"Of course it is."

"It is not."

Right. Because the Cauldron loved Elain. So Elain...what, worships that vile thing like everyone else here?

"I think I'm going to shower," Elain says, voice falsely bright. "Are you going to spend the day here?"

Nesta starts at the sudden dismissal. "I...no."

"Oh," Elain says, enough disappointment in her tone that anyone who doesn't know her as well as Nesta does would believe it. "Well, I'll see you soon. And please don't worry, Nesta, dear. Everything's quite all right."

With that, she hurries into the bathroom and shuts the door behind her.

So perhaps, Nesta muses to herself on her walk home, she was wrong about how much time she should give Elain. Perhaps tomorrow she'll be more willing to talk.

Except she isn't.

And not the next day, either, and not the whole week after.

And Cassian's not springing up around the city anymore.

It's only Feyre who talks to her, too much guilt and uncertainty in her darting eyes telling her far more than her words do when Nesta asks her would-be-casually why her Inner Circle no longer stalks various of her favorite haunts and why does she think Elain has once again taken ill and is missing their lunch.

Well. Feyre might stutter through a non-answer, but Nesta knows exactly what the matter is. And she might not know how to solve it herself, but she knows who does.

So three weeks after her secret is let out, Nesta books passage to the Spring Court.

---

Chapter Two

Mr. Queen Analysis

My take on the rather heartbreaking and vague ending of the KDrama, Mr. Queen.

  Okay, I’ve been thinking long and hard on this subject (way too much) and have come to the following consensus:

Bong-Hwan and So Yong are both versions of the same soul. What got me thinking about this was that scene in episode 5 where SoBong talks about original and past lives but then mentions parallel time-streams. To illustrate, she draws two lines running side by side and explains how a past life can be in one and the original/current being in the other. This had me stumped a bit, and I thought it a bit random that they put that in there, but then I looked up “reincarnation and parallel lives” and there’s a surprising number of articles on it - though obviously not conclusive or scientific as it involves spirituality. 

Episode 5 also explains why time in the present is flowing at the same rate as the past, which we discovered when BH’s consciousness briefly reentered his body and explain why they chose to reveal that fact. Time isn’t linear here but more fluid with both versions existing simultaneously - harkening back to the two lines Mr. Queen drew to illustrate.

The reincarnation theory would explain many of the elements of the story that I found hard to accept. For example:

If So Yong’s separate soul was in there with Bong Hwan’s soul then why did he never feel her? In fact, the show repeatedly makes reference to the idea that Bong Hwan does not feel another soul and attributes characteristics of SY to the body (telling her after the kiss that the soul is in control of the body so she ought to behave and in another scene he tries to get her soul to return by addressing the lake - where he believes she is hiding).  The only time he accuses her of being a separate entity inside of him is when he wants an excuse for his feelings and reactions to CJ. The “it must have been her that took control. If I knew it was CJ I would have....still enjoyed it?!? What’s wrong with me?” moments. LOL What if the reason he couldn’t feel another presence was because there wasn’t another? He merely had his consciousness wake up in the body of his past life but didn’t realize it.

It would explain the gradual integration of both personalities. For example, when CJ returns the book to Mr. Queen, she never thinks of herself as NOT being the girl from the well as she did when he first confesses his love for her at the lake. As BH spends more time in her previous body, the lines become more blurred not just in memory but also in identity because he IS her. If they were two separate souls, I don’t think she would have that same reaction nor do I see anything to indicate that So Yong “took over” in that moment or any other. Memories were accessed, personality traits were mingling, but we saw SY come out in episode 20...that personality was immediately recognizable. Fantastic acting by SHS - especially as she had me loving the one and hating the other, despite being both.

It would explain why Mr. Queen falls for CJ so hard, despite his initial protests. I never liked the idea of his feelings being manipulated, but I can get on board with the idea that he accepts his feelings for CJ because this is a man that some part of him has always loved - and falls in love with “again” through their shared experiences and journey.

It would also explain the question of why Bong Hwan. What was the connection between this man and So Yong? They are reincarnations of each other. When So Yong was feeling hopeless and needed strength, she pulled upon her stronger version of herself to help her - made possible in that moment when she desperately wanted to give up on life and he desperately wanted to live. She came to him in that pool and appeared to the queen again when she was looking for answers in the lake. This does not give the impression of a soul cruelly imprisoned in her own body against her will. 

It would also explain why, when Bong Hwan briefly went back to his body, So Yong did not reappear. She wasn’t being suppressed. She purposefully had her reincarnated self come to give her strength and was not ready at that time to assume her life again. I found her choice of words at Byeong-In’s grave to to be telling. She said he always knew where to find her whenever she was hiding. It’s also why I believe BI didn’t realize Mr. Queen wasn’t SY - for the same reason CJ doesn’t at the end of the drama. These two men, both of whom deeply love her, could sense it was her, just in reverse order. CJ-SB-SY and BI-SY-SB.

It would also solve the pesky issue of why BH is an overall better person - not just at the moment of his return but before. Someone on Reddit mentioned the implausibility of CJ’s political accomplishments causing a ripple effect to change BH, and I agree. However, if we look at BH as SY’s reincarnation, then the positive attributes he now displays in the altered timeline can be accounted for because he prevented his previous incarnation from killing herself, therefore in his next lifetime his soul didn’t carry those grudges. This fits with the idea of reincarnation as a person’s life experiences and emotions/grudges/regrets/mindset at death will determine the psychological and even physical manifestation of their next life. 

SY was told by evil Kim that she had no power b/c she was a woman - next life is a man. 

SY had her love cruelly rejected - next life is a playboy who doesn’t seem to believe in love. 

SY felt that she was living a lie - next life is a man who doesn’t care who he offends with his opinion and does what he wants when he wants - to the point of selfishness - though this changes when he prevents many of these resentments by his actions in the past. 

Finally, it would explain why CJ is so “oblivious” at end of the show. He promised when he returned the book to SB that he would never fail to recognize her, and he doesn’t. While her personality has changed, it’s intrinsically also the same person, though this is the area I felt the writers dropped the ball in execution, but I get that they were pressed for time. The implications of this aspect also seem to be what KJH meant in his comment to a fan’s question of whether the king knew that BH had left.That it didn’t matter: SY or BH didn’t matter, only how CJ saw her.

So why send BH back? I believe they did it because it wouldn't make sense for him to live a life he essentially already lived as SY. Reincarnation is meant to be for a soul to grow and spiritually evolve, which it could not do by simply repeating what it had already done. Also, for some reason (I suspect so as not to offend Koreans by skipping over one of the most prominent historical figures in their culture - Queen Min), they still have CJ dying at age 32. This can be seen in the book BH is looking at when he's seeing his portrait, and is mentioned as early as episode 1. This was never going to be a happy ending for CJ/BH in the sense that many viewers wanted. Rather, he was going to facilitate the relationship of SY/CJ so that his previous life could run its course...ugh, I feel sick typing that out...with the hope that they meet again in another lifetime. Our SB is many things but trapped in Joseon without modern medicine, a miracle worker she is not. CJ dies without any heirs; his baby with the queen dies at just six months. If the BH decided to stay for love and then lost the baby and CJ, that would be just as heartbreaking for me as the ending I received. 

Wiki and other sources speculate the CJ was poisoned by the Andong Kims, but many historians (including Bong Hwan’s mother, it seems) dispute that fact as it would serve no purpose since he was a puppet king and since his death then allowed the Jo family to briefly take control until King Gojong’s father pretty much crushed both the Kims and the Jos. In reality, he probably died of unhealthy habits and a life of excess. In the show’s world, who knows...cancer or any number of possible illnesses that could not be treated at that time. During the banquet planning, we see CJ suffer a nosebleed. In the spinoff, Mr. Queen mentions how CJ is trying hard not to collapse from the strain of his burdens. These could be hints left by writers to indicate that CJ’s health has been compromised by the grueling struggles and stress he’s had to endure, not to mention allowing himself to get blown up.

They writers did give us the hope for another reunion - perhaps in BH’s lifetime or perhaps another one. It’s why I think they tried to imply a SY/CJ connection in the Bamboo Forest prequel (the only prequel in the spinoff) as well as end Bamboo Forest with a reincarnation wish. The setup seemed quite intentional and in specific order. The prequel created a sense of destiny. The next segment was about Mr. Queen confirming if it was just his body or his soul that was attracted to CJ...literally the words out of the character’s mouth...and they gave an answer to that with the last shot. The final segment introduced the wish for CJ to meet his queen again, and he is clearly thinking of Mr. Queen - so why the prequel, which would seem to introduce a separate love interest, unless it’s actually not because they’re one and the same with the middle segment emphasizing the genuine attraction and love for each other.

This might not be everyone’s cup of tea; it certainly wasn’t mine, and I think the writers should have handled the leaving better instead of going for an quasi mind-wipe of all the characters’ remembrances of Mr. Queen. I mean, CJ went from being horrified at Mr. Queen acting like a perfect little queen for a few seconds a mere handful of episodes ago to just asking "why the formality" at a more permanent display of temperament and seemed practically oblivious otherwise. Then Choi and Yeon were "shocked" when So Yong didn't revert to her witch of the palace act and chastise the maids that were laughing by the pond - as if Mr. Queen didn't already change that way of thinking months ago. Not to mention that they were also nonplussed by the fact that their relationship to the queen had gone from being regarded as family back to a servant/master status quo. Even with the soulmate angle, there was to much deus ex machina thrown in. The idea of soul mates is a romantic one, but the execution of it fell through.

They should have never gone with the reincarnation route, especially if they were never intending to let SY have a true voice in the drama, even if it’s just a final conversation between herself and BH before he leaves, made possible in that split second before true separation. Viewers never got to bond with her, and in those moments we did see her, she was either a watered down version of the personality we were emotionally invested in or emphasized the opposite characteristics (demure, feminine, etc...) that we loved Mr. Queen for rejecting. Also, this angle gives us no true feeling of completeness and satisfaction. SY is with CJ in the past - we won't see them develop their feelings for each other and grow to like them as a couple. BH is in the present but who knows if he'll find CJ's reborn soul and happiness with whoever it is. Promises without fulfillment demand too much from the audience to fill in the blanks. If that's the case, next time just give us a tag line and tell the audience to imagine the rest.

Even if they share the same soul, we are given two distinct personalities and not enough connection between them in terms of their recognizing each other, acknowledging their feelings for CJ to each other in some sort of passing the flame moment that would make it feel more homogeneous and prevent feelings of resentment at what we perceive as an injustice to a personality we adore.

Instead of creating an emotional divide between the two, they should have just have SY die before BH's soul enters, and develop the romance between CJ and HB's as the novel and even that cheap and campy Chinese version did. Having SY there just muddied the waters, and became a distraction and an excuse for every emotional milestone Mr. Queen experienced, negating that character's development and laying it at SY's feet or claims of deliberate interference.

They should have chosen a fictional king and not boxed themselves into a limited outcome. Granted, it gave them a valid reason for booting BH back to present times, but look at the result: limited number of years with someone the audience isn't really familiar with for our beloved ML (plus their baby dies) and a huge question mark for our F-turned back into ML in the present with the hope that maybe the reincarnation thing works in his favor but who knows because they couldn't even toss us that small crumb which would have alleviated some of our heartache for BH as well as give more credence to the fact that SY/BH are the same and thereby lessened the feelings of resentment to the SY character as well. Or they could have gone with a multiverse theory and left it wide open as to what sweeping changes would occur. BH being initially thrown back to the Joseon era as a result of his dying would have achieved that because then the audience would have no reason to revisit the present nor see that the worlds were linked via changes upon his return and stuck with the poisoning threat averted. Blow recorded history to smithereens and leave that to our imagination instead.

Yes, the fish-out-of-water hijinks were great fun, but the completion of the character arcs/relationship/etc...shouldn’t be an afterthought. 

The other element I would have liked to have seen that was in neither of the televised versions (though the Chinese one came very, very close) but was in the web novel is the king fully accepting that his wife is not the woman she was, believing that her previous body was a man, falling in love regardless and she with him. However, I think we all knew that wasn’t going to happen in a kdrama. 

Welcome to the fandom~!! Can I request a little angsty drabble with Riddle having an unrequited crush on a female reader who's a hopeless romantic and keeps getting her heart crushed?

This turned out longer than I expected! Hope it’s as angsty as you wished anon!

Italic indicates thoughts

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

Riddle Rosehearts

Riddle wondered if (Y/N) was doing it on purpose. He thought she secretly enjoyed getting herself a heartbreak. (Y/N) had been a student of NRC for 4 months and this was her 8th crush. It was the 8th time that her dreams of getting together with new crush of the week sunk. Riddle didn’t know why he took a liking to a person such as her but heart wants what it wants. While she was open about what she feels, what she thinks , yet Riddle wasn’t. He preferred to keep his emotions to himself, afraid that should he reveal them, he would be mocked or worse (Y/N) would avoid him. So he didn’t say anything to anyone, even to Trey, about the butterflies in his stomach every time he saw (Y/N), the way his eyes search for her everywhere he went. I can’t tell (Y/N) how I feel about her but at least we can spend some alone time as friends.That was when he decided to have one-on-one tea party with (Y/N).

The first tea party went awkward, more awkward than Riddle anticipated. Still he was grateful that there were no Ace, Deuce nor Grimm to mess up his time with (Y/N).

“Well this is... interesting...” was what (Y/N) said while smiling at Riddle. The second he saw it, Riddle’s cheeks got covered with heavy blush. He quickly got up from his seat, hoping that she didn’t see him blushing but his sudden movement caused the hot tea to spill on him. He yelped as his face turned red out of embarrassment.

Why did this have to happen in front of her?

He was about to use his magic to clean up his outfit and cool down the burnt area then (Y/N) took the napkin and tried to wipe away the tea with one hand while blowing air with her mouth and fanning with her other hand. “Does it burn much?” She asked, looking at him right in the eyes.

Why are you so kind?

“No...” He answered. He shook his head, hoping to get himself back to reality. “I’m fine.” He stepped back; with a wave of his hand, his outfit got cleaned.

“Wow!” She said. “Do you know how much this would be useful for me? It took my 1 hour to remove a ketchup stain!”

“Next time, you can come to me and I can remove it in 1 second.” Riddle answered. He didn’t know where he found the courage to say that.

“Oh don’t worry, I will!” She then giggled, causing his heart to skip a beat. “By the way, why did you want to have tea with me?”

Riddle gulped. “I put you through trouble a lot.” He recalled his overblot episode. “I thought at least I can do something to make you relax. I know headmaster puts you through a lot.”

“I know right? He doesn’t do anything and I get to do random chores.” Was I a random chore to her? “I’m talking about grabbing parcels for him, counting chalks and other school stuff to keep taps on them.” She paused. “I’m not talking about that, you know, you’re my friend, I wouldn’t see you as a chore.”

Did she read my mind? She said I’m her friend!

“Thank you (Y/N).” Riddle sat on the chair again. “You can tell me whatever on your mind. I’d love to listen.”

She sat down as well. “Actually there is something I need to tell to someone. I can’t tell this to Deuce or Grimm and especially to Ace. Promise this will be between us?” She held out her pinky finger. “You need to pinky swear otherwise I won’t tell.” Riddle was confused on what pinky swear was. “Two people held each other’s pinkies and promise on something and that promise is never broken. We have this where I come from.”

“I promise.” Riddle said as he extending his pinky finger and held hers. A shiver ran down his spine from that little contact.

“Good... This is embarrassing to say but I kinda have a crush on ... Ace...”

What?

“Don’t give me that look please. I don’t know how I developed it. I just think his hair is nice.”

How is this even possible?

“Ginger hair looks cute.”

I have ginger hair too!

“Told you it was silly.”

Riddle took a couple sips from his tea while trying to find words to say. “No it’s okay. It happens to everyone.”

With that, this became their routine, they talked about how their week went, almost every two week (Y/N) mentions a new crush. “I just think Epel’s height is too adorable.”

I’m short too!

“I like horses and Silver can ride one!”

I’m in equestrianism club too!

And finally today was the worst day of all. “I don’t know why I thought it would work. Who am I to think Vil would see me in a romantic light?... I just found his dedication to his principles attractive.”

I FOLLOW RULES TOO! Riddle wanted to shout his thoughts, his feelings but he held himself back.

“You know, Riddle, there is something I need to tell.”

Oh!

“Promise that you won’t think of me any other way after I tell you.”

Wait what’s that suppose to mean?

“I promise.” He extended his pinky which she interlocked with hers immediately.

“You made me feel something I didn’t feel before...”

Is this what I think it is?

“...Truly I never felt this before and I love it...”

Is she going to confess me her feelings?

“...All those weeks we spent together made me realize it..”

She is!

“You’re like a brother that I’ve never had!”

“Oh?”

“I’ve never had someone to confide in before and the way you listen all my worries and comfort me...”

Riddle didn’t hear what she said next. He saw her mouth moving and heard sound coming but didn’t understand what she was babbling. Even when (Y/N) bugged him, he barely felt it.

“Aww man, I forgot to write essay for Trein’s class. Would you be upset if I leave early this time?”

“Of course not, go ahead.” Riddle managed to speak. He hoped his voice didn’t reveal the storm that was going in his mind.

“Thanks! How about we play cricket this Saturday to make up the lost time?” She suggested; in return Riddle only nodded. “Great! See you on Saturday!”

Then she was gone, leaving Riddle to his thoughts.

I did everything I could. I followed every etiquette rules. All my life I’ve ever loved one person and wanted her to love me back. Was it too much to ask?

I personally don't understand people who think that Virginia 'can't win on her own'. As if she has to prove herself or she is 'too nice' and has to learn 'how to violence'. Just because Sevro's solution for everything is cutting some fingers or worse, doesn't mean he is always right or that Mustang's work to keep that balance and play within the designated lines is not badass or interesting. She is the only demokratic ruler and her own people gave her absolute power of decision making to end the war at any cost. What's not great about that!?

If Virginia was indeed 'too nice', she would have perished long ago - last absolute cinnamon roll we saw was Julian and we all know what Society thinks about people like him. Just because she plays by the rules, doesn't mean she has no claws - she wiped a terrorist's memories away for fuck's sake. Now that the rules have been extended, you can bet your ass that she'll take more than one page out of Nero's playbook. After all, she said it herself, she tamed herself, but it's fun to let the lion out.

Agreed 110%! I don't understand people who give Virginia shit in general tbh. I mean, how do you not fall in love with her immediately? How are you not ride or die for her from the get-go? It boggles the mind.

Those arguments, being "too nice" or being unable to win on her own, are reaching and easily debunkable. The lack of reading comprehension. 😒 If you don't like her, then whatever. I may not understand how that’s possible, but it really isn’t necessary to make shit up, you know?

Virginia can't win on her own, huh. The nerve! Where would Darrow be without her? Dead. Many times over. He would have bled out after Cassius stabbed him if Virginia hadn't helped him. And it was Virginia who brought the Howlers back from the Rim weeks in advance of Darrow actually needing them, just in case. So many things would have gone wrong in Morning Star if she wasn't at Darrow's side (and if Ragnar hadn't gone out of his way to make sure she'd be there, the absolute legend).

Perhaps it's Darrow who can't win on his own? But that sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? All of his successes were achieved through teamwork. Darrow acknowledges this many times. It's the same for Virginia. While it's simply not true that she can't win on her own, it’s also untrue that the inability to win on your own is a bad thing. The whole argument doesn’t make any sense.

The idea Virginia still needs to “prove” herself despite doing so plenty of times already throughout the series is frustrating. The fact of the matter is, the success of the Rising relies just as heavily on Virginia's intelligence as it does Darrow's battle skills. The Solar Republic simply wouldn't exist without her. Fitchner never had a clear vision of what "after the Society" would look like and neither did Darrow for a long time. The war effort needs a conscience and a vision for the future, otherwise it's just endless bloodshed. Virginia helps Darrow see beyond the bloodshed. Plus, Darrow has no interest in politics. He'd be the first to admit he’s not good at the slow game of political maneuvering. But Virginia thrives in that environment. In Dark Age, Darrow even admits his current predicament is a consequence of not trusting his wife's way of running the Republic, and he vows never to do that again.

Sure, Virginia doesn't get into physical fights often, especially now that she is Sovereign. But politics is no less perilous a battlefield. I feel like because the political battlefield isn't as flashy and fast paced as a literal one, people forget the constant danger she is in, even before the Senate's betrayal. Silenius' Stiletto is a delicate tightrope act she has to perform every day to drag progress forward while keeping her opponents in check. This requires a level of self-restraint, clear-headedness, and badassery, that no other character can achieve.

Virginia is not "too nice." She is practical. And often, is it practical to play nice. Not every confrontation is best solved through violence Sevro. We all know the line: Virginia is the mustang that nuzzles the hand; people know they can work with her. That’s why the people chose her consistently for ten years, over literally everyone else in the solar system, to run this new government. And her steadfast resolve to gain Imperium legally, to not force her will on the people, proved to them again that she won’t abuse this ultimate power to end the war.

No, Virginia may be reasonable but that doesn't mean she is too nice. If she was too nice, she wouldn't have used her relationship with Cassius to protect her family. She wouldn't have shot Cassius in the throat with an arrow. She wouldn't have promised Ephraim he would "die shitting in a foreign bed" if he skipped about on their bargain to return the kids. She wouldn't have zapped the Duke of Hands' entire personality from his head. Like you said, she never would have made it this far if she was truly toothless. She's practical, and sometimes the practical solution doesn't require violence, but creative thinking.

Speaking of creative thinking, one thing Virginia doesn’t get nearly enough credit for is abolishing the death penalty immediately after Adrius was hanged. That wasn't her being "too nice" or too lenient on her caste. Yes, she feels life in prison is the moral option over the death penalty. But she knows her people. The punishment for the worst criminals in Deepgrave is a Gold's worst nightmare. Life in prison denies a Gold their desire for a glorious death, to be remembered through the ages for their deeds in battle. The Republic's justice system sends a clear message: "Mess with us, and you won't get your notoriety or fame, you'll only get obscurity and shame and sucking algae through a tube until you die naturally of old age." That to me is crueler than hanging.

Virginia’s mind is her greatest weapon, but more than that, her greatest strength is how she applies her intelligence. Her ability to read people, and to communicate, is greatly underappreciated imo. These skills require nonviolent interaction yet they yield great results. There are many examples of this. She used her natural charisma to gain Octavia's trust. She brokered an alliance with the Rim when she thought Darrow was dead. She held the Republic together for ten years despite constant, increasing animosity from the Vox. She refused to torture Lyria and was able to see she was not lying about being an unwitting pawn in the kidnapping scheme and was rewarded with information and a new ally. She figured out exactly what Sefi was planning for Cimmeria, even manipulating the situation to her advantage without Sefi realizing it. She knew Victra was going to bargain with Sefi for the kids, without being told. In her own words, this is simply what she does.

There is a quote in Iron Gold that caught my eye: "Communication is the soul of civilization." (532) Now, this line has nothing directly to do with Virginia. This is Ephraim trying to get a rise out of Gorgo. But it fits Virginia perfectly, doesn’t it? The Republic is able to exist as a civilization because it has such an amazing communicator at its center.

Virginia is such an excellent communicator that she is even able to get parties who refuse to communicate with her initially to reciprocate communication eventually. She convinces Sevro, Dancer, and even Victra to stop freezing her out and work together. She does this by speaking their "language." She knows exactly what to say or what to do to get them to finally listen to her. Revealing she already knows exactly what is going on works for Sevro, providing hard evidence of conspiracy works for Dancer, and proving her actions (showing her scars) works for Victra. This isn't to say she never makes mistakes. She shouldn't have called the Wardens on Darrow, for example, just as Darrow shouldn't have kept the meeting with the Society "diplomats" a secret from her and the Senate. But more often than not, her nonviolent communication skills yield valuable results.

As for Virginia apparently needing to learn how to use violence… While Victra and Sevro’s feelings were justified, their actions at the end of Iron Gold and the beginning of Dark Age were just wrong, wrong, wrong imo. Freezing out Virginia did nothing but delay the return of the kids. It's frustrating to think how much heartbreak could have been avoided if they'd just put their heads together from the moment the kids disappeared. And what exactly did Sevro's rampage through Luna's underground accomplish? Some dead Syndicate thorns, sure. But that tantrum put a huge target on Sevro's back. As Virginia said, one lucky sniper and boom, no more Sevro. What would Victra have done then?

While it may feel like Virginia would have achieved more if she just beheaded some people, she has a responsibility as Sovereign to consider the bigger picture. She has to consider the Stiletto. If the Vox saw her offing some fools it would have added credibility to their smear campaign. The people would have lost faith in her and think she turned into another Octavia. Whoever replaced her could use her actions to justify their own dictatorship. Violence was simply not practical for her until she legally gained Imperium. Now though… 😈

Virginia's over here playing 3D chess while everyone else is playing Connect Four, but this still isn’t enough for some people. After the clone gets the better of her, she gets flack for not being an omniscient god and just knowing her twin brother laid out a plan to clone himself ten years ago. Tut, tut, should have seen that one coming, despite the lack of evidence. If only she’d punched some people. (Can you see I hate this argument with every fiber of my being?)

In Dark Age, Ozgard says this about Electra and Pax: "She is better fighter. He is more dangerous human." (184) Well, Pax gets it from his momma. Pax and Virginia may not be able to throw devastating punches but in many ways, their intellect is what makes them the greater threat to their enemies.

Thank you for the ask!

GoChi Week 2020: Day Five: Birthday Suit

Snippets in Time:

 Birthday Suit

  ChiChi stared at her image in the mirror. Staring back was the figure of a woman many would admire. The body staring at her was very fit. Her breasts were high and a nice size; her hips were fit but curvy. The arms and legs were tone and femininely muscled. The stomach was very admirable. This body birth two very strong children and yet one would think she never had kids with how cut and defined her stomach is. She worked hard on this. Two kids never stopped her from exercising. In fact, her kids encouraged her to keep fit. She had two very active physical babies that motivated her in her continuance of martial arts.

 Despite what Goku friends thought, ChiChi never gave up martial arts for the life of a wife and mother. She continued through her marriage with Goku as her partner. She did become less active after Gohan’s birth and used it more as a form of exercise to keep in shape than get stronger. It was the absence of Gohan and Goku for a year that ChiChi really dedicated herself to martial arts again. She found a good balance after Gohan was back from his time on Namek and Goku a year later when he returned from space. She had even more training alone when Goku, Piccolo and Gohan trained together for three years. She didn’t have Goku as her sparring partner anymore, but she never forgot the lessons he taught her.

 ChiChi applied it to herself and Goten. With Goten, she was very grateful she kept with her training otherwise she never would’ve been in shape to train him especially after he became a Super Saiyan. ChiChi was very proud of her looks. She never felt the need to flaunt her appearance with heavy makeup, tight or revealing clothes. She knew how she looked and knew she didn’t need adulation from others.

 But as great she looked physically all ChiChi could see now were small imperfections. A few stretch marks here, a scar there, a wrinkle that wasn’t there when her husband was alive. Her husband was the reason why she stared at her imperfections. When she learned Goku will return for a day, ChiChi was excited but later concerned. She aged while he hasn’t. ChiChi pushed those insecurities aside because Goku was only going to be back for a day. He would be too excited to be back to notice anything. Now that Goku had been brought to life for what ChiChi hoped a very long time, the insecurities filled her mind. She didn’t want Goku to see her nude. She wanted intimacy but only with dim lights. She couldn’t imagine being as adventurous as she was years ago: making love outside or in the various positions Goku encouraged her with.

 Looking at herself now, she felt she couldn’t do it.

 A light knock interrupted her thoughts. “Hey, ChiChi, how long are ya gonna be in there? Goten’s ready to go to sleep.”

 “I’ll be there in a moment.”

 ChiChi picked up her pajamas and put them on. Luckily, Goten has proven to be the perfect cock blocker. Since Goku’s revival over a week ago, Goten has slept with them. The first three days Goten asked to sleep with her and Goku. Since then, Goten naturally did it thinking this will be a permanent thing.  ChiChi was happy with this arrangement but she had a suspicions Goku’s patience was wearing thin.

 The first clue came early the following morning.

 ChiChi awakened feeling a hand caress her breasts and lips on her neck. In her sleep dazed mind, she panicked. Her son was in bed with her but so was a pervert. Immediately, she struggled to knock her intruder off her. It should’ve been easy given her strength but this person arms were like steel and his hold was unbreakable. She knew then it wasn’t an intruder but her husband.

 “Goku?” ChiChi whispered. She turned her head. The room was mostly dark but little light from the stars and crescent moon of the night peeking in the window, ChiChi could see features of her husband. “Goku,” she hissed, “what are you thinking? Goten’s in bed with us.”

 “I miss you.” His hand slipped in her shirt to squeeze her bare breasts. “And you won’t let me get you alone during the day.”

 Whoops. He noticed. ChiChi thought with the time Goku spent with Gohan and Goten during the day he wouldn’t notice how she avoided being alone with him.

 “This is crazy,” she whispered as loud as she could. Her eyes grew to saucers as she felt Goku pull her pajama and panties over her hips and then the feel of a warm hard penis between her cheeks. He couldn’t possible be… She wriggled wildly as she whispered. “Goku, Goten is inches from us.”

 “Your moving against me is getting me harder.” ChiChi stopped moving but it didn’t stop Goku from rubbing against her. She bit into her pillow and gripped her sheets. She couldn’t make a sound. Goten’s back was to her but he still only inches away. “Let’s go to the bathroom. We can be alone there.”

 She was actually considering it, but her cock blocking child saved her again.

 “Daddy?”

 The soft voice of her baby boy awakened her motherly instincts. She elbowed Goku with all her strength in his breadbasket. Off guard by Goten and ChiChi, Goku tumbled out of bed.

 The loud thump of a body hitting the floor when unnoticed by Goten who rolled over to ChiChi. “Momma, where’s Daddy? He’s not in bed with us. He’s not dead again, is he?”

 Not dead but praying he won’t be when she got done with him!

 “No, Daddy’s not dead.” ChiChi patted Goten’s head and held him close. With her blocking his view, she assumed Goku was sneaking in the bathroom and pretending to come out.

 Instead, she heard a scream from Gohan’s room.

 “DAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?!”

 ****

 Breakfast was unusually quiet the next morning. Goku hardly spoke during breakfast since he was so focused on eating. Goten was a chatterbox as always leaving ChiChi to entertain Goten when Gohan couldn’t. Gohan greeted her when he entered the kitchen but he didn’t even look at his father. He ate breakfast very fast and left for school. ChiChi understood his uncomfortableness. Gohan was old enough to understand what happen. He wasn’t like Goten who believed Goku’s excuse of getting a snack and getting lost returning to his room since he’s been dead for so long.

 “Daddy, wanna play with my toys with me?” ChiChi heard Goten say.

 “No, Goten,” ChiChi told her son while cleaning the dishes. “You have to take your bath and then we will go over your lessons for today.”

 “Okay, Momma. Daddy, wanna take a bath with me?”

 Silence.

 Goku’s usually quick to respond to Goten. Turning, ChiChi saw Goku looking at her. As much as she didn’t want to, they needed to talk. “Daddy will join you, Goten. I need to talk to him alone.”

 Goten giggled. “Is this because of last night?” Goku and ChiChi didn’t answer but Goten laughs got louder as he left the table singing, “Daddy’s in trouble.”

 ChiChi turned away from Goku once Goten left and resumed cleaning the dishes. “You and Goten should take a bath in our bedroom. I haven’t cleaned Gohan and Goten’s bathroom yet.”

 “Okay.” Goku joined ChiChi. He didn’t touch her but he was very close as he had one hand on the counter and the other on his hip. “Did Goten sleep with you every night when I was dead?”

 “When he was a baby, he slept in a crib in our room.” ChiChi rinsed off her soapy dishes. “When he was around two, he shared the room with Gohan. In the mornings, he would crawl in my bed but most times, he shared the room with Gohan.”

 “So, it’s me.” Goku chewed his lip thinking of a solution to their problem. “We have to tell Goten he needs to sleep in his own bed now. If he wants, we can have naptime in the afternoon.”

 We? Oh, she wasn’t telling Goten that. “Goten is happy he has a Daddy, Goku. There’s nothing wrong with Goten wanting to share the bed with us.”

 “Then it’s you.”

 “Me?” ChiChi feigned surprise. “What are you talking about?”

 “You’re not eager to be with me.”

 ChiChi pulled the plug in the sink. As the water drained out, she laughed while drying the dishes, “That’s ridiculous.”

 “You lock the bathroom door every time you take a bath. You haven’t been alone in a room with me since I came back to life. Anytime, we are alone, you suddenly have something to do.” It was the pain in his voice that caused ChiChi to look at Goku. She wished she hadn’t. Those eyes. It was heartbreaking. “Are you mad I didn’t come back to life after Cell?”

 ChiChi looked away from him. She gathered the dry dishes and placed them in the cabinet. “I’m not mad, Goku.”

 “Is there someone else?”

 ChiChi was grateful the dishes were now in the cabinet. She would’ve dropped them otherwise. “No! Of course not. Where did you get that idea?”

 “King Kai warned me you might have somebody. When I saw Goten, I thought he was wrong, but I don’t know.” He shrugged at a loss for words. “Do you have somebody?”

 ChiChi shook her head. “No, Goku. I don’t have anybody. There’s never been anyone since you died.”

 “Then what is it?” ChiChi turned away from Goku to dry the rest of the dishes but he grabbed her and turned her back. “What is it?”

 There were times ChiChi forgot Goku can get angry with her. It was so rare she never filed it to memory but now seeing his steely gaze and brief flash of green in his eyes, ChiChi remembers even she can push him but she never feared it or what that anger can do if pushed. She always knew Goku would never intentionally harm her. ChiChi gently pried her hand from Goku’s. “Goten’s waiting on you for your bath and I need to do some cleaning.” Keeping her cool, she kissed his right cheek. “After your bath, I need you to hunt some dinner.” She patted his stomach. “Since you’re back, our meat supply is disappearing faster than normal.” Wearing a warm smile, she left Goku speechless.

 ****

 While Goku and Goten took their bath, ChiChi cleaned the hall bathroom. There wasn’t much for her to do. Gohan always kept the bathroom clean. After a light wiping down of the sink, toilet, mirror and shower, ChiChi gather the clothes in the laundry basket and went to bathroom of her bedroom

 Unsurprisingly, it was messy. Goku and Goten’s clothes were scattered on the floor along with a few towels. She could hear Goku and Goten giggling and splashing water in the closed bath area. ChiChi mentally prepared herself for the mess she will clean there. As she gathered the dirty clothes and towels, the door opened. Goten stepped out first with Goku behind him. Both were naked with towels around their neck. ChiChi nearly dropped the dirty laundry in her hands when she saw the naked body of her husband.

 Seven years of celibacy, shutting off sexual desires crumbled at the sight of Goku. With him dead, ChiChi didn’t think about intimacy. She didn’t want anyone else. Sure, people like Bulma tried to encourage ChiChi to date or even have a one-night stand but ChiChi couldn’t feel sexual desire for anyone other than Goku.

 Now that fire she thought died with Goku’s death was suddenly rising. Her eyes roamed the muscles on Goku’s back. Flashes of her gripping the strong flesh through sex filled her mind. As her eyes moved down, she noticed his tail stub which sparked memories of her teasing Goku with it. His cute, tight butt brought back flashes of her gripping it and in times she was playful, biting it.

 And him biting her.

 “Let me help you, Goten,” Goku told his son as he crouches down and help dry Goten with his towel. This allowed ChiChi to privately stare at Goku even more and get lost in more memories of the past with her body silently responding.

 “ChiChi.”

 Startled, ChiChi snapped out of her daydream to Goku standing in front of her naked. How long was he there? How long was she daydreaming? She was in near perfect kneeling position in front of Goku. His penis hung loosely in front of her, tempting her, daring her to do what she hadn’t done since he died. If Goten wasn’t there……

 “Wh-what is it, Goku?”

 “Sorry about the mess.” Grinning, he pointed to the clothes and towels.

 ChiChi quickly scooped up the dirty clothes and put them with the other pile of dirty laundry. “It’s all right. I know you’re sexy—messy!” She frantically stood. “I need to put these in the washer. Goten, after you’re done, I’ll come by your room so we can start your schoolwork.”

 “Okay, Momma.”

 While Goten didn’t notice his mother rushing out of the room, Goku did and he was smirking.

 ****

 The rest of the day proceeded normally. Goku spent time hunting for meat like ChiChi wanted. He even skinned and cut the meat for her. He figured he hunted enough that will last the rest of the week. Gohan returned home in a better mood than he left. He and Goku had a friendly conversation and a spar after dinner.

 It was turning into a normal night again. ChiChi thought the incident of last night was forgotten. So, when she unlocked the bathroom door and entered her bedroom, she expected Goten to be in bed ready for her to join him and Daddy but was stunned to find Goku standing by the bed naked and smiling as if he was waiting for her.

 ChiChi made a split-second decision to disappear in the bathroom but Goku teleported behind her.

 “Where are you going?” Goku wrapped his arms around her and walked them to the bed. “The bed is this way.”

 ChiChi struggled in his arms but Goku wouldn’t let her go. “Where’s Goten?”

 “In his own bed.”

 “What did you say to him?”

 “Nothing but I wanna talk to you.”

 Angry, ChiChi hissed, “I have nothing to say. Let me go!”

 “Then I’ll talk. I thought you didn’t want me anymore but earlier, I saw you. I smelt you. I knew you wanted me like I wanted you. I thought about it for hours but I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t wanna be with me. Then I remembered something else King Kai told me. He told me don’t disappointed if your body is different.” ChiChi stopped struggling. Taking a chance, Goku released ChiChi.

 ChiChi took a step away from Goku as she turned to face him. “He said that?”

 “Yeah. I thought he was silly. I wasn’t gonna be disappointed in how you look. You always look great to me but he’s right, isn’t he, ChiChi?”

 He figured it out when ChiChi didn’t think he would. Since he knows…. “It’s been seven years,” she confessed. “You haven’t aged while I have. When you were coming back for a day, I was fine. You’re only here for twenty-four hours. You wouldn’t notice anything but being back for good I knew you will at some point. You wouldn’t say it, but I know you will think I’m different and find me less attractive.”

 Goku wanted to laugh but he knew ChiChi would read that the wrong way, kick him out of the house and never allow him to touch her. Instead, he touched the top button of her pajamas. ChiChi didn’t move but her eyes cast downward as Goku removed each button. Her top dropped to the floor with her bra quickly following. At this point, ChiChi closed her eyes as Goku pulled down her pajama pants and underwear.

 ChiChi couldn’t bear to see Goku’s face as he examined her birthday suit; see all the imperfections and changes of nearly eight years.

 “ChiChi,” Goku spoke calmly. ChiChi didn’t respond. “ChiChi,” Goku commanded. “Open your eyes.”

 Slowly, she did. Goku was smiling at her. Of course he will smile. He always did. He fooled so many hiding his real emotions behind a goofy smile.

 But it did look genuine.

 As entranced she was with Goku’s back earlier, her eyes feasted on his front. With Goten sleeping with them, Goku wore a tank shirt to bed. Now he was nude, her eyes feasted on the beautiful chest she used as a pillow many nights, loved with her lips, tongue and teeth. Her eyes moved down to his muscular stomach. She could feel her insides getting warm as liquid formed between her eyes. Her eyes kept moving south---

“Oh!!” Her eyes met up to Goku’s but dropped back down again at what stood at full attention at her nudity. Goku’s response time was always fast but being older, ChiChi didn’t think Goku would feel like that again.

 Perhaps she was wrong.

 “You see how wrong you were.”

 He was grinning wickedly now. He was enjoying making her feel foolish!

 “I don’t know.” She caught his crestfallen face before she shot him a wicked grin of her own. “Maybe you should show me how wrong I am.”

 ****

 Goten glumly entered his room. He sat on his bed with his elbows on his knees pouting and staring at the floor. Gohan, who sat at his desk doing homework, noticed his little brother. “What’s wrong, Goten?”

“Mommy and Daddy’s door is locked. I can’t go in.” Goten looked up at his brother. “Why did they lock the door, Gohan?”

 Smiling, Gohan left his desk and strolled to Goten’s bed. He pulled back the bedcovers and urge Goten to get in. He did and as Gohan tucked Goten, told him, “Remember when we talked about Dad coming back? I told you we should leave the night to Mommy and Daddy so they can have time together?”

 Goten nodded. “Yeah, but Daddy’s been back for over a week now. Mommy and Daddy have time together every night. I see them. Mommy sings me to sleep, kiss Daddy, kiss me and go to sleep. They have kissy kissy time every night.”

 Gohan chuckled. He wondered if he was ever so naïve. “Well, it’s normal for Mommies and Daddies to sleep together in bed and it’s normal for kids like you to sleep in your own bed. Maybe Mommy and Daddy locking the door is their way of saying it’s time to get back to normal.”

 Goten wasn’t sure if he liked that idea. “So, I can’t climb in Mommy’s bed in the morning or sleep with them at night anymore?”

 “Mommy and Daddy’s bed,” Gohan corrected Goten. “And if the door is locked, no.”

 “Goten, you love Mommy and Daddy, right?” Goten nodded. “You want them to be happy, right?” Again, Goten nodded. “Then let Mommy and Daddy have bedtime. You have the whole day to do what you want with Mommy and Daddy. When it’s bedtime, let Mommy and Daddy be happy together.”

 Goten thought about that. In the daytime, Goten spar with Daddy, fish with him, hike through Mount Paouz together and play with him. With Mommy, he learns his schoolwork but she also lets him help bake sweets like cookies and takes him to the park. Thinking about it, Goten realizes he does a lot with his parents in the daytime. At nighttime everyone goes to sleep. Why would Mommy and Daddy be happy spending time doing that?

Fate/stay night Réalta Nua Part 4 - Unlimited Blade Works Route (2/2)

Day 11-16 Omggg I love their date! Saber is there as well but I think it’s so adorable how Saber is on Rin’s side most of the time, and it’s so cute how Saber loves to eat different things haha. I think the funniest was when Saber hated losing to them in the batting cage so they had to play a lot of games hahaha. But I guess, through the dialogue, I can kinda understand more of why Shirou was always insistent on Saber not fighting in the Fate route. Saber is actually smaller than Rin and she’s apparently weaker than them physically as well if she’s not using her magic power! She must be pretty small then! And omggg lmaooo when Shirou figured out the mystery of the stolen loaf of bread🤣🤣 Shirou thought Rin took it as a late night snack and ate up the whole loaf when she actually used it to make them lunch hahahaha. Honestly, it was really sweet of Rin to plan such a day so that Shirou could relax and have fun, especially since he’s never really found anything fun for a long time and he doesn’t even think he deserves to have fun at all. Honestly though, I still find Caster’s Noble Phantasm Rule Breaker such a…I don’t know how to say it, I mean, I understand that the Command Spells was magic done by one of the three families and since Caster is like from the time of the Gods or whatever, I guess it’s possible for her to cancel it and stuff, but I feel like when powers like this exist, it kinda makes the rules of the war and everything feel so…cheap? Like, I guess I liked the war because each Servant presents different powerful Noble Phantasms and abilities but they’re all respectively things that pertain to their strengths and utilised within the boundaries of the war, but Caster’s ability just negates a lot of that and makes things feel like such a free for all with no rules and that just feels boring tbh. Otherwise, Saber being able to stop herself from listening to Caster’s orders and attack Shirou for a bit so he can escape was saddening, especially with those tears in her eyes. But yeah, the way everything went was really understandable, Shirou would never give up on Taiga’s life (since Caster took her hostage) even if he has to sacrifice his own, so really, it wasn’t a situation they could really win from at all..sad that their cute date turned into this disaster though.

Rin always tries to sound mean to Shirou, but really all you can hear from her is concern for him all the time. She hates seeing him get hurt and always wants him out of the war because he’s too kind. I can see why Shirou is adamant about going to save Saber since her being controlled is his responsibility, but at the same time, Rin is right, there is nothing he can offer to the battle right now, especially with his injuries. Lmaooo at Tiger Dojo 22 where Caster calls Taiga for advice on how to be a better character, hahahah even she knows she’s plain lmaoo. Honestly though, I love how Shirou is always able to tell that Rin is truly kindhearted and that underneath her role as a magus is a normal girl that’s very sensitive and sweet. I love how he got her to release her emotions and cry after she felt betrayed by Archer (who left her for Caster). I love the CG with them talking to each other back to back! And I love how Shirou is always there for Rin to help her get herself together. He’s right though, Rin is someone who resolutely stands on her own path, even if she regrets something, she will retaliate and destroy it to make her path what it should be to her. She gets sad but she never gives up, and I can see why Shirou would admire her so much tbh. It’s so cute how Shirou so honestly told Rin he likes her a lot, blushing Rin is so adorable!

I feel like Caster’s past is supposed to make me feel “something” for her but honestly, she still feels as bland as she is. Maybe it’s because ever since she was born, she’s been (literally) controlled by others, forced to abandon her country and kill her brother etc, used as a scapegoat to be the epitome of crime and thus viewed as a witch, but everything about that story is kinda just told to you as a reader, so really, it’s hard to feel anything for her. Like, I feel sorry for her that she had to experience all that, and I get how grateful she is towards Kuzuki for saving her when she nearly disappeared (after killing her crappy Master), but as she says, she really has no motivation or goal aside from helping Kuzuki and he himself doesn’t really want anything either, so they’re kinda like a duo that has no real purpose than to exist and fight if confronted and I guess fight to find a place for themselves. 

Tbh, Shirou always admires Rin for being able to go full on ahead without regrets, but I think someone like him who is able to be so decisive on walking on the path he decides and is ready to accept it even if it’s “wrong” is something very admirable as well. I LOLed when Shirou and Rin went to Illya’s castle (to ask to co-operate against Caster) and Illya’s “alarm” magic that alerts her to them entering the forest zapped Rin so badly compared to Shirou, it was hilarious hahahaha. Honestly, seeing Berserker so desperately protect Illya from Gilgamesh and Illya being so scared really shook me. But I think seeing their past was worse, they were both used and controlled by the Einzberns to get the holy grail, and Illya was forced to go out in a freezing forest with just Berserker so that they could train her into controlling him properly. And I guess it was then that they both realised in their hearts that the only ones they could trust in were each other. I always wondered why Illya didn’t seem to do anything aside from rely on Berserker to fight, but after the flashback, it seems that all those Command Spells on her body that were put by the Einzbern family are there to control Berserker and that puts a great toll on her body and probably even shortens her lifespan. It used to practically destroy her and make her scream in pain, but now it’s a bit better, and I guess that’s why Illya just allows Berserker to do everything for her, it’s mainly because it’s cumbersome enough for her to just control him. But yeah, Gilgamesh slashing her eyes and stuff made me feel so uncomfortable and sad. In the end, Illya’s just a kid… But yeah, I totally understand why Shirou couldn’t help but appear to try and help Illya knowing it was futile. But! I still blame him because him revealing himself also endangers Rin and he should have thought more about her. Buuuut, I’ll admit that it wouldn’t be like Shirou if he was able to restrain himself, and I think I would have been disappointed in him haha. He’s lucky Rin was there to help save him tbh, and I guess we should be glad that Shinji is Gilgamesh’s Master lolll, I mean, if it was anyone more useful, they would have been totally screwed~

Hahahaha, it was so cute how Shirou and Rin kept arguing about who should be running away when Lancer appeared. It was hilarious how Lancer waited for them to finish arguing hahaha. HAHAAHA it was such a tense atmosphere when Shirou agreed to co-operate with Lancer, but then when he said under one condition, and whilst everyone was wondering if he wanted to know Lancer’s Master or something, all Shirou wanted was for Lancer to stay away from Rin hahahaha, he’s so cute🤣🤣🤣 I’m amazed that Archer could create a shield (Aias) that blocked Lancer’s Noble Phantasm, it wasn’t easy for him to block it, but nevertheless, he did end up blocking it. I guess that’s the benefit of being able to project weapons or shields etc that are strong against each Servant’s respective Noble Phantasms. Rin is so cool though! She got Caster to let her guard down and then used martial arts to defeat her! Well nearly, because Kuzuki comes to save Caster since he’s stronger than Shirou, I mean, it’s pretty amazing that Shirou could fend him off for so long. Guess they should be glad that Archer wasn’t a traitor and dealt the last hit attempting to kill Kuzuki, but Caster sacrificed herself to protect him. It’s kinda funny though, Caster’s life as Medea was ruined because of a “man” (she was controlled by a God but the God made her love that man so I guess same thing?) and even as a Servant, even though this time was her first time truly falling in love, nevertheless, she still ended up giving her life up for love, and it’s always for a man that will never love her back. It’s nice to see that even though Kuzuki was pretty disinterested in everything, he was ready to fight until the end even after Caster died, tbh although Shirou wanted to stop it and save Kuzuki, I think Kuzuki would have preferred being killed by Archer as an end rather than surviving. Rin really does save Shirou all the time though haha, it was thanks to her smart thinking of taking Saber as her Servant that they could fend off Archer from killing Shirou.

Honestly though, Lancer is such a great guy. He really knows how to appreciate Rin hahaha, I couldn’t believe her “thanks” to him stopped him from wanting to really kill Archer when they had their duel, and even now when she’s kidnapped by Archer (to ensure Shirou will come to save her and thus fight him), he’s so ready to go help them out. I guess Shirou was right to tell Lancer to stay away from Rin hahahaha. Honestly, it’s so heartbreaking to hear Archer talk about how he had to keep killing in order to save many, and that’s why he feels that he must kill Shirou, because if he doesn’t kill him, he’s going to become him, the hero Emiya. I think it’s so heartbreaking to hear that because you can feel how much Archer wants to kill himself, and in order to do that, he must kill Shirou. He thinks that his existence gave happiness to no one and only caused death and destruction since he killed people to save people…and it’s probably disheartening for Saber to hear this too, since she and Shirou are similar. I guess that’s why she wanted to stay here instead of going to save Rin (from Shinji) with Lancer.

Omg, I didn’t realise that Archer was executed because he was accused by the person he saved, even though he was the one who gave his all to stop the conflict, he was accused of starting the conflict and died for that “crime”. I think something that really hit me was when Archer described his role as a Guardian, he calls it being a “cleaner” because “they do not save people. All they do is eliminate harmful people, without distinction of good or evil. They do not save people in despair. Instead, they eliminate people in despair in order to save others who are enjoying life.” It’s so true. It’s something that’s ever present in life, we are always eliminating the people who are unable to live happily, we are always killing them because of the destruction they cause, and it’s understandable, but at the same time, it’s exactly against what Shirou desires. He knows that he can’t save everyone, but he wants to, and at the least, he wouldn’t want to kill others he wants to save in order to save others. I feel like the more Archer killed, the more he felt like he was killing the people he was supposed to save and that really destroyed him. And because he became a Guardian, he didn’t even have the choice to not do these things. The world itself had already decided that these people were harmful to it, so Emiya had to kill them, all the times he was summoned, he had no free will to decide for himself what should be done and what shouldn’t be done to save the world, the world already decided it and willed him to just kill them to “save” the world. The world deemed them irredeemable and unable to be saved, and Emiya had to accept that, but it must have been such torture to have to experience that over and over again. Even if killing Shirou doesn’t cause Archer to disappear, I’m sure the satisfaction of killing the past him that he thinks is silly and caused all this would at least relieve Archer somewhat.

Kotomine definitely let his guard down against Lancer. Although he used his Command Spell to order Lancer to kill himself, he hadn’t even disappeared yet and he already let his guard down! In other news, Shinji is a shit as usual~ and seriously, after seeing Kotomine get stabbed by Lancer, I don’t know why the dumbass Shinji doesn’t think about how Lancer could still be a threat, and what makes him think Gilgamesh will help him with such a lowlife job lol. It was really cool when Lancer used bits of his last strength to protect Rin until the end though, he’s such a hero. I also liked how resolute he was in death and was ready to burn the whole room to ashes to make sure Kotomine wouldn’t survive. I guess Kiritsugu’s last words of relief over Shirou saying he’ll be a superhero in his place was like a curse to Shirou. He said it because he admired Kiritsugu and wanted to be just like him, but he probably didn’t realise how much it really meant to him until he said it, and because of that, Shirou had no choice but to become a protector of justice, he couldn’t disappoint the guy who was so happy to have found him alive in that fire, he couldn’t disregard a dying man’s wish, and really, he just wanted to be just as strong as his father. In this sense though, there’s a similarity between Shirou and Rin. The both of them have been “passed on” an ideal or dream that they must fulfill. For Shirou, he needs to save people as a superhero. For Rin, she needs to win the Holy Grail War as the successor of the Tohsaka family and for her father who died because of it. But really, you wouldn’t say that Rin’s will is hypocrisy, because she has practically made that dream her own, and I think that can be said for Shirou as well. Even if it all started from someone else, it doesn’t mean it’s a “borrowed” ideal, because it had already transformed into their own ideal with the strength of their convictions and beliefs. And honestly, even if it is a borrowed ideal, it’s fine, because that is the path they chose, whether it was for someone else or not, this is what they chose and what they will commit to do. In that sense, who can really judge them? I honestly felt really touched when Shirou relentlessly attacked saying his dream is not a mistake, because he believes in it and will continue to believe in it no matter what. Really, I can’t help but feel so affected by Shirou’s will and determination all the time, he’s so mentally strong, it’s crazy. It was kinda relieving but at the same time hurtful when Archer admitted his lost and was stabbed by Shirou. In the end, this was never really a physical fight, because Archer could have killed him if he really wanted to imo, in the end, it felt like everything was set up by Archer to see the strength of his ideals again within Shirou. Archer had experienced tragedy after tragedy that deteriorated his heart for too long, so I feel like in a sense even though he hated his younger self, he also wanted to rekindle and remember the emotions he once had towards his ideal of becoming a superhero. I feel like he wanted to see whether he would be able kill himself first or remember why he was so adamant on being a superhero and how strong his mental fortitude towards it was first, so it was great that young him aka Shirou succeeded in showing him once again why his choice wasn’t wrong and wasn’t a mistake.

Anyway, Gilgamesh always ruins the mood, doesn’t he?! So the reason why Servants have to fight until the last one is because their heroic spirit souls are used as pure magical energy afterwards to kinda “create” the holy grail contents and give the remaining magus/Master power to use it for what they want? Lmao at Gilgamesh leaving the castle and wanting to change locations because the castle was burning down and he didn’t want ashes to go on him. You know, now that I think about it, if all the people Archer witnessed destroying the world was like Shinji, yeah I think I would feel the same hatred towards humanity and their ridiculous conflicts too. Ooh I guess although I’ve seen it, it never really clicked to me that Gilgamesh stopped Illya from becoming the holy grail by taking out her heart and putting it inside Shinji so he would become it? HAHAHA omg, Rin and Shirou need to have sex so he can share her magical circuits and use her magical power to create the Reality Marble (where Archer can project and use all those swords etc) and fight against Gilgamesh?! No wonder why Rin became so shy mid way through the strategy meeting hahahaha. Well, that was a pretty long and detailed H-scene! Rin looked really cute though loll. 

Hmmm how interesting, so Servants who are magi can summon other Servants, but they must have a host to keep the Servant in this world, and for Assassin, that is the mountain, therefore, even though Caster is dead, as long as the mountain exists, Assassin will be there to protect it. However, he still needs magical energy, and so even though he’s still “alive”, he will disappear soon, since Caster only gave him a limited amount of magical energy. Although I guess the main reason he still stands is because he really wanted his life to end in battle with Saber. Assassin’s true identity is rather saddening. He’s just a no name guy that was most fit to be seen as the guy “Sasaki Kojirou” because he can perform techniques Kojirou could, and so he is assumed to be him according to what this Kojirou character should be. In the end, he’s “nothing”, and I guess such an existence, being able to fight with Saber before he disappears would be a nice thing to do instead of meaninglessly disappearing. I mean, it’s understandable that Saber is in a rush to distract Gilgamesh so that Rin and Shirou can destroy the grail, and then they can all destroy Gilgamesh together, but honestly, that’s not Assassin’s problem and he has no reason to stand aside when Saber did once promise him that she’ll fight him properly again. I guess that means it’s time for Shirou to shine haha. I think Shirou’s “impossible” dream really reminds of Kaoru’s dream in Rurouni Kenshin. Honestly, their dreams are probably naive, probably impossible and probably ridiculous to others, but just like Kenshin, I think you can’t help but want to believe in it hoping that it can be possible, and continuing to fight to make it possible. And I really feel Shirou’s resolve in that. It took a while but I’m glad he finally realised that what he could do wasn’t infinitely create swords to fight against Gilgamesh, but instead create the Reality Marble that contains an infinite amount of swords aka unlimited blade works. But really, I’m happy that regardless whether it be the Fate route or this one, Shirou is the one who helps Saber realise that she needs to move forward, well, Archer and his burdens is the one who made her realise it in this route, but they’re both Shirou after all! I’m just glad that she’s not living in regret anymore and can go back peacefully after destroying the Holy Grail.

Although I’ve been rather sceptical with how a lot of fights went in this route, I think Gilgamesh against Shirou is probably the most satisfying and understandable to me (alongside Shirou against Archer), mainly because it’s true that Gilgamesh had always won his battles through the amount of Noble Phantasms in his treasury and how relentlessly he uses them as “arrows” rather than as swords. He lacks the skills and techniques to use them because he is merely an arrogant owner of them. And that’s why I think it’s understandable how Shirou can face off against him. Not only is Shirou physically capable, his Reality Marble gives him swords right by him, he can pick them up much easier than when he had to project them over and over, so in the end, it becomes more of a battle mounting on their determination and strength, which Gilgamesh lacks because he lives thinking that he doesn’t need to work hard for anything since everything is already his. And seeing him lose because of that is much more satisfying than in the Fate route because what Gilgamesh really lost against here isn’t something like Saber’s OP armour, he lost against his own lack of skill and what he prides himself in, his own arrogance. He let his guard down against a “faker” that can only do imitations of his swords, and was unable to recover his composure facing off against someone much “lower” than him being able to overpower him, even if it’s only for a bit of time. Not sure how I feel about the black void from the destruction of the Holy Grail coming to consume Gilgamesh though… Lmao at Tiger Dojo 24, the hanging mini Shirou getting smacked by Taiga and being blown away like a star was so funny hahahaha. 

I find it quite a miracle that Archer was able to survive this long into the end game and was able to watch over their battles and save both Rin and Shirou in the last minute! Like, he was already weak at the castle, fought with Shirou, took the hit from multiple Noble Phantasms by Gilgamesh and he was still able to project so many weapons to get Rin away from the Holy Grail monster and then project another one to prevent Gilgamesh from dragging Shirou into the void?? I guess I should be impressed rather than in disbelief haha. Honestly though, I do believe that Rin is Shirou’s “true love” because you can really see how much Archer still loves and cherishes her after all that he experienced. His silly banter with her was so similar to how she and Shirou interacted, and I think the fact that he still held on to her jewel (that ended up allowing her to summon him) is enough reason to really see how much he thought about her and how much he wanted to be with her. But at the same time he couldn’t be with her because it was his love and admiration for her that probably allowed him to move forward and follow his dream/ideal and end up becoming Emiya the heroic spirit. I honestly wanted to cry when he asked Rin to support himself and take care of himself aka Shirou. And I honestly believe in Archer’s belief that if Rin is beside Shirou, he won’t become the regretful hero Emiya. It’s saddening that even if Shirou leads a different life, Archer will probably always still be a heroic spirit doing what he had to do before. The only relief to be had is that after encountering Rin and Shirou here, he’s kinda rejuvenated himself by being reminded of past him’s beliefs, wishes and his resolve for becoming who he has become today. So, he’ll be fine, even if it’s painful. Archer’s last smile looked so much like Shirou. And omggg, something I never realised! In the beginning, Archer chose to call her Rin and continued calling her that because calling her Tohsaka is something Shirou does! By coming to terms with his own self as Shirou, he can finally feel like he can call her Tohsaka like he used to… It’s so cute and bittersweet😭😭

I loved how adorable Shirou and Rin were (in the true ending) when she kept asking if he would come with her to London as her apprentice at the Magic Association training academy or whatever and Shirou was too shy to openly say yes when it was obvious what his answer would be haha. The good ending was something I would have also liked to see in the Fate route but I guess seeing it here is nice too! It’s a bit like a harem end lmao, but I think Saber deciding to stay in this world to see if she can find her own answer by watching over Shirou (since Archer said she is wrong but she doesn’t really understand in this ending), so now Shirou, Rin and Saber can always hang together! It’s so cute honestly~ It’s kinda like how everything was in the beginning of this route, so playful, fun and happy with three of them haha.

Overall, I really liked UBW. Imo, I still think that the fights with Caster etc were the weak parts of this route and it can kinda detract your attention because I didn’t think it was really interesting lol. But everything is worth it when it comes to Shirou’s fight with Archer and then Gilgamesh. It really felt like everything that was built up since the beginning was made worth it. It was nice to see how much Archer and Shirou were natural enemies against each other without Shirou even realising who he was, yet they both couldn’t help but be influenced by the other. I thought Archer’s story really made UBW such a highlight emotionally. His story was well developed and nicely explored against Shirou’s ideals and you could really see how much they couldn’t help but clash. I honestly really loved how no matter what Archer did that seemed contradictory to what “Shirou” would do, in the end, he was Shirou through and through with how soft of a guy he really was. I really loved the concept of Shirou being the one to make possible future him/Archer realise why his original ideals were so important to him and why despite everything, he really doesn’t regret how everything came to be anymore. I really think that it was such an important growth to both Archer and Shirou and I loved it. It allowed them both to further their resolves and be proud of the path they’re walking on. Another great thing about this route was Rin, she’s such a great heroine that totally matches well with Shirou because not only does she drive him to become a stronger person like her, Shirou also makes her want to improve and be as driven as him even when things don’t go her way. I just think that not only do they work to bring their best out of each other as people, they’re also very capable in being silly with the other. They’re just as cute as they are strong and I love their relationship. As for the other Servants, I think only Lancer and Assassin really hit me emotionally. Lancer being such a ladies man and fighting for his own beliefs is something I always enjoy seeing, and Assassin finding meaning by being able to fight with other true swordsmen was something I couldn’t help but feel happy for. It really felt like a 8.5-9/10 route!👌

And nowww, on to the last route! Since the last Heaven’s Feel movie isn’t out yet, I don’t really know what happens at the end of it, so I guess aside from the Fate route, this will be the other route I don’t have much idea about what will happen and that kinda makes me excited haha!

“Reunited at Last” Chapter 8: Halloween

The sun had long set by the time Rob headed home, turning on his brights as he drove down the dirt country road that led to his house. Darkness and silence surrounded him as he lived outside the main part of town, so there were no streetlamps to light his way. His only neighbors were the trees and animals of the forest but he didn’t mind. Rob loved the peace and solace nature provided him.

His headlights illuminated a special patch of trees and Rob smiled. Those were the trees he specifically cared for, nurturing them until the holidays rolled around. In a couple weeks, he would open his Christmas tree lot and the people of Storybrooke would rush to his little oasis to find the perfect evergreen to celebrate the holiday. He loved his little side business perhaps even more than his main one. Seeing the joy and wonder on everyone’s faces--especially the children’s--always made him feel warm and happy. Because though his choice of residence suggested otherwise, he liked people--being around them and most importantly, helping them. It gave him purpose and invigorated him.

Robin parked his car in his dirt driveway and turned it off. He grabbed his toolbox and his mail before climbing out of the car. After locking it, he hurried toward his door and let himself into his house, quickly getting out of the late October chill. Winter was already making itself known even though it wasn’t due for two months.

He set his mail down on the small table he kept in the foyer. Rob’s cottage was too far from the main part of town for Storybrooke’s one mail carrier to deliver to, so he had a mailbox in the post office that he checked every day before the office closed. It was usually bills though he got a couple magazines and catalogues. Occasionally he got packages but those were few and far between.

After taking off his shoes, he went through the mail and tossed out the junk. He set his bills aside for when he worked on his checkbook during the weekend and headed into the kitchen to make himself some dinner. With how cold it was starting to get, Rob decided on the classic combination of grilled cheese and tomato soup. He paired them with a beer and headed into his living room, settling into his armchair to watch the replay of a football game. It had been years since he had lived in England, but his heart still belonged to his football association.

But not even his team held his attention that night. His mind kept wandering back to the cannery parking lot and Regina Mills. There was just something about her, like they had met before even though he was certain they hadn’t. He didn’t even think he had seen her in town which struck him as odd. Storybrooke was a rather small town where everyone knew everybody else. It felt stranger that there would be one person he hadn’t seen before but it was obviously possible. Maybe he had and he just couldn’t place her, though some part of his mind remembered her.

He also hoped he saw her again. Even without the feeling of déjà vu he felt around her, her soulful brown eyes and beautiful smile had made his heart skip a beat in a way it hadn’t in a long time. Rob hadn’t experienced much romance since coming to Storybrooke though he had been something of a heartbreaker back in England, one of his many sins in his home country. He had come to America for a fresh start and he decided to first focus on settling into a legitimate career. Once that was done, he had then started dating again--but this time, he focused on finding someone to spend the rest of his life with. While he had gone on a few dates in Storybrooke, he hadn’t found the right person yet.

It didn’t mean that he thought Regina Mills was going to be the right person. For all he knew, she had a handsome and intelligent husband as well as a beautiful family. He just knew he hadn’t felt like this toward anyone in a long time. Rob hoped he would see her again soon and would find a way to get to know her better. And if all they ended up being was friends, that would be fine.

Until then, he could always dream…

                                                             *****

The carriage jostled violently, causing Regina to throw up her hands to brace herself against its wall and grip the back of the seat. She gritted her teeth as she fought to keep from being tossed to the floor. “These roads are atrocious. Why doesn’t King George do anything about them?”

“How do you know where are already in King George’s kingdom?” her father asked, holding as well.

She shot him a look. “Because I know our roads in Mist Haven aren’t so poorly maintained.”

“That is true,” her father replied. “Our infrastructure is strong thanks to you.”

Pride filled Regina. She hadn’t wanted to become queen but now that she had the power, she was doing everything she could to strengthen her country and make her people’s lives better. Regina negotiated better trade deals between Mist Haven and the surrounding kingdoms and took steps to ensure they were not pulled into the never-ending Ogre Wars. Her mother’s words about getting the people to love her played over and over in her mind. She knew if she won them over, they would stop protecting Snow White and she would finally avenge Daniel’s death.

Most of all, she just wanted to be loved.

The road eventually smoothed over and not long after, her carriage came to a halt. She took a deep breath, checking that her hair was still pinned up into the elaborate hairdo her maid had done for her. “Here we go,” she muttered.

“You look beautiful,” her father assured her. “I daresay you will turn many heads tonight. Perhaps you will find someone who catches your eye as well.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I am not here to find romance, Daddy. I am here as a diplomat eager to work out an agreement with King George.”

“You can do both,” he suggested. He sighed. “I just want to see you happy, Regina.”

“I told you after Daniel died that I would never be happy again. That still holds,” she told him, looking away from him. She still felt his eyes on her though.

The door opened and a servant held out his hand to help her down from the carriage. Daddy followed her and he held out his arm to her. “May I escort you in?”

“I need to make certain King George understands that he is to deal with me and only me,” she said. “So no escort. You follow behind.”

He nodded. “As you wish.”

Regina walked through the large double doors, entering King George’s palace. Servants directed everyone to the Great Hall and she paused at the entrance to it. Daddy rushed forward to inform the herald who she was so she could get probably announced as she entered the ball. It was important to make an entrance, to make certain everyone was watching. She had chosen her rich red satin gown, one that was more form-fitting than some of her other gowns. Black lace covered her arms and her neck, though there was a gap between the lace and the neckline of her gown. It gave everyone a tantalizing glimpse of her cleavage, especially as she had swept her dark hair into an elaborate updo that left her neck bare. While she had sworn off love and romance, she still understood the power the allure of sex with her held over men (and women).

She paused at the top of a grand staircase, looking down at the finely dressed men and women in the Great Hall. Many were already dancing but there were a few milling around the food and spirits King George was serving. He was clearly sparing no expense, she realized. She wondered if he could even afford to throw such a grand ball.

“Announcing Her Majesty, Regina, Queen of Mist Haven,” the herald declared.

Everyone stopped and looked up as she descended. She held her skirts just enough to ensure she didn’t trip over them and wondered if her mother would’ve been proud to see how grace she was. Regina then banished her from her mind. She needed to be focused on the task at hand--a new trade agreement with King George that would get her country needed medicines.

King George stepped forward and took her hand, pressing a kiss she didn’t feel through her gloves to the back of it. “Queen Regina, it is an honor.”

“Thank you for inviting me,” she replied, curtsying to him. “You have a lovely kingdom.”

His chest puffed out with pride. “You had a good journey, then?”

“I did,” she lied, seeing her father start behind her. She hoped he stayed quiet--the last thing they needed was to insult King George with the truth that his kingdom was poorly maintained.

Daddy stayed quiet and King George held out his arm to Regina. “Are you thirsty? Why don’t we get you a drink?”

“That sounds wonderful,” she said, taking his arm and letting him led her to the table where several goblets were lined up. He handed one to her and took one for himself.

He raised his goblet toward her. “To you, Queen Regina.”

“To a prosperous alliance between our countries,” she said, clinking her goblet against his with a sweet smile. She took a sip, never taking her eyes off King George. He looked intrigued and she could see the hunger for riches in his eyes.

Good. That would make it easier to get what she wanted from him.

“I look forward to discussing that alliance with you.” He set his empty goblet down on the tray held by a passing servant. “I know we can greatly improve Mist Haven’s prosperity and bring goods that will amaze your people to your markets.”

“You certainly can help us,” Regina replied. It was the truth, though King George wouldn’t be helping Mist Haven the way he thought he would. Of course he would think his country had the best goods and that he was doing her a favor rather than recognizing it was the other way around. But she would let him have his arrogance. It would make it easier to get him on her side.

She mingled with the others attending the ball, politely refusing all requests to dance. It was one of her favorite games to play at these events. The coyer she acted, the more men fell over themselves to try to win her favor. She was able to keep them at arm’s length and avoid revealing how poor a dancer she truly was, yet still get what she wanted.

It was win-win.

After about an hour of inane conversations, King George approached her. She had watched him consume another goblet of wine and believed he was in a relaxed but not inebriated state. It was time to strike.

“King George, might I have a word with you?” she asked. She then dropped her voice and fluttered her lashes as she added: “In private?”

His eyes lit up and he held out his arm. “You may.”

Continue reading on FFN, AO3 or Wattpad

chapter 6: a big step, family, and giving birth

{ finally after three months, chapter six is here HAHA. this... isn’t as good as i wanted it to be, but hopefully chapter seven makes up for it. have a lovely day/night! i love you! -athena }

“Wha’ would yeh say if I wanted yeh to come meet my mum an’ Gemma?”

Harry was brushing his teeth leisurely in Y/N’s bathroom while she laid spread-eagle on the bed, worn out from a particularly trying day in the studio. She was dozing off slightly, eyelids heavy with the weight of frustration and exhaustion, but had sat up so quickly upon hearing Harry ask her that yellow and black dots swam in her vision and her head felt light.

“What?” Y/N shakily got out of bed, stumbling toward the bathroom on unsteady legs. It had been a week since their fight after Niall’s fundraiser, and while things had gone back to normal and they were as happy as they’d been, nothing could have prepared Y/N for this.

Harry had just rinsed, giggling as he swiped at his mouth with a towel. He thought it was adorable, the way that Y/N was standing there in her old high school t-shirt and her knees wobbling with the anticipation of the question.

“My mum an’ Gemma. Would yeh like to meet them?” He turned to face her, leaning against the counter as he stroked a piece of hair from her face. She leaned into his touch, eyebrows furrowed and lips pouted.

“Do they want to meet me?” Harry barked a laugh, revelling in the way she was always so quick to respond to him in ways that always surprised him.

“F’course, all I do is talk about yeh, love. Why d’yeh look like yeh thinking so hard?”

Y/N bit her lip, humming thoughtfully before replying, “‘Cause we’re not exactly the most conventional pair, are we? Are you sure you want to bring someone home to meet your mother?”

“Oh, love, how could yeh be worried about my mum minding conventional when she’s got me as a son?”

Anne and Gemma had flew into LAX two days later, and Harry had decided he’d pick them up, bring them to his house, and that they would all come to Y/N’s for dinner.

Y/N didn’t know why she’d volunteered to have dinner at her house, she realized as she scrubbed her counters vigorously and distressed over what to make. She really wanted to meet Anne and Gemma because she knew how much they meant to Harry, but as she stared blankly at a recipe she pulled from a random cookbook, panic started to seep in as she realized she wasn’t even a mediocre cook.

She decided to call Andrew, since Hannah couldn’t do much, especially because Koda was still residing in her tummy (“I just want this fuckin’ kid out of me already!”), and because she thought Andrew could get out of the university laboratory every now and then.

“Andie,” she wheeled, holding the phone between her shoulder and her cheek, “Whatcha doing?”

A noncommittal grunt sounded from the other end and she heard a rustling of papers (or sheets, she couldn’t tell) before Andrew responded. “I woke up late and missed study group, so nothing.”

“Do you know how to cook...um...chicken parmigiana and baked ziti?”

“Yes. Do I get to take some home?”

“Get over here in less than fifteen and I’ll let you have the good hot chocolate in my pantry, too.”

…

“They’ll be here in about two hours. I don’t know why I volunteered to cook when we both know I cannot cook, but now you’re here, so this is good.”

When Andrew had walked in, Y/N had been frantically scrubbing her dining table as if her life depended on it, and he had taken her gently by the elbow and told her to take a breather.

“It’s simple, really, Y/N. Come sit on the counter and watch, you need to calm down.”

He had led her back into the kitchen and began pulling out the ingredients needed to make the chicken parmigiana first, situating himself at her island counter. He blew the annoying fringe of hair that kept falling into his eyes for the hundredth time, before Y/N used an elastic on her wrist to tie it up into a single small ponytail sticking straight upwards. He smiled warmly in thanks while Y/N hopped up onto the counter and swung her feet back and forth like a metronome.

“I’ll make a wild guess and say that you’re nervous to meet his family,” Andrew laughed, beginning to make the breading for the chicken.

“I just want them to like me,” Y/N pouted, leaning back on both of her hands and ceasing the swinging of her feet. “They mean so much to him and so of course I want them to like me but it’s more than that. I’m a lot younger than he is, and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea… And God, Andie, the way that we met probably isn’t the love story you want to tell your mom, is it? ‘Oh, Mum, the first time I laid eyes on her, she was drowning her heartbreak in a bottle of Belvedere and then made me carry her up the stairs to the bedroom. The second time we met in person, I shagged her because she released a really raunchy single about really good sex!’”

Andrew laughed at her poor imitation of Harry’s accent, but nodded as he continued preparing the food.

“I know it’s not exactly the most… ordinary way to meet someone,” he started off slowly, “But Y/N, both of you are celebrities. Your lives aren’t ordinary. I think his mom would understand that, and I’m sure she’s not going to judge you for being younger than him. If Harry’s her son, she’s bound to be compassionate and objective and open-minded. You’re psyching yourself out.”

“I know, but the last time I was this crazy about someone was when I met Daniel senior year, and it took me nearly three years to get over him. You can’t blame me for being scared!” Y/N scrunched up her nose in a pout, drumming her fingers insistently on the counter.

“You know, Harry isn’t Daniel. Don’t compare the two, otherwise things could go really bad… really fast,” Andrew chided, unwrapping the chicken breasts from the package.

“You’re right,” Y/N sighed, body slackening as she let out a whoosh of air, “I’m just being careful. You know better than anyone that I’m just tired of-”

“Tired of chasing love,” Andrew finished, rolling the chicken in breading, casting a sympathetic look toward her, “I know.”

…

“Someone knocked! Oh, God, Andie, someone just knocked, did you hear that? The door! What do I- Oof!”

Andrew winced as he watched Y/N scramble around the kitchen, only for her socks to lost traction on the kitchen floor and cause her to fall down on her butt. He stared up at the ceiling momentarily, before bending down to help her up.

“I’ll get the door. You pack me some food and the good hot chocolate, like you promised. Don’t protest, you’re a wreck.” He shook his head before proceeding down the hall to the door, pulling open to reveal Harry dressed in a nice pair of grey slacks with a large black sweater on top. Two women peered from around him, both with wide smiles and warm eyes. One was wearing a maroon sweater and black leggings with boots, and the other was clad in jeans, a cream sweater, and a pink pastel scarf.

“Andrew,” Harry smiled, greeting him with a handshake. Andrew stepped aside to let them all in so that they weren’t victims of the winter air.

“Hey, man, good to see you. Y/N had a bit of a kitchen catastrophe and I slept through study group, so I came by to help. This is your mom and sister, right?” Andrew grinned at the two women removing their shoes by the doorway.

“Anne, Harry’s mum,” the woman wearing the maroon sweater flashed a smile at Andrew before giving him a hug.

“Andrew,” he returned, surprised but delighted by her compassionate manner.

“I’m Gemma,” the other woman said, before shaking his hand, “It’s nice to meet you. Are you a friend of Y/N’s?”

“Yeah, we’ve been friends since middle school,” Andrew replied, “If you guys wanna come into the kitchen, Y/N is just getting together some last minute stuff.”

They all followed him down the hall and to the kitchen, where Y/N was at the island counter, her back facing toward the entrance as she muttered to herself, transferring some food into tupperware for Andrew to take home.

“Calm down, you’re okay, just calm down, everything is going to be okay. It’s all okay, it’s okay,” she repeated her little mantra over and over again, hands shaky as she sealed a container full of baked ziti.

“Y/N, Harry’s here!” Andrew called as they all walked into the kitchen. She stiffened, spinning around rapidly and using the counter to maintain her balance.

“Harry! You guys are here!” Y/N giggled nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

“Were yeh expecting anyone else?” Harry smiled at her, going in for a tight hug before pulling back and turning to face Anne and Gemma.

“I’m Anne, s’lovely to finally meet you!” Y/N’s heart swelled as Anne came close to give her a warm embrace in addition to her cheerful greeting. Gemma came from behind her mother and also offered a small smile, introducing herself and hugging Y/N as well.

“Sorry to interrupt, but Y/N,” Andrew jumped in apologetically, “I’m gonna head out. I’m tutoring a couple of classmates in the morning, but it was nice to meet you both.” He shook hands with both Anne and Gemma, before clapping Harry on the back.

“Good to see yeh, again, mate.”

Y/N gave him a weak smile as she waved sullenly in return, watching as he exited the kitchen and listened for the front door to close.

“Well, let’s have some of that dinner Andrew made, then,” Harry boomed, wiggling his eyebrows at Y/N, and causing her to laugh. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so bad.

…

After everybody’s plates had been piled with food and glasses filled with assorted beverages, Y/N had the honor to watch Harry’s family dynamic unfold. Harry was seated next to her, and Gemma and Anne across.

“You have to call that friend of yours and give him my number. Do you think he could ship his cooking overseas, or is that just gross?” Gemma’s mouth was stuffed with the baked ziti, sauce dribbling over a bit as she gushed about Andrew’s cooking to Y/N across the table.

“God, what are you, three?” Harry teased, reaching across the table to hand her a napkin.

“Three years old, and graduated from college. I must be a genius or summat,” Gemma shot back, snatching the napkin and poking her tongue out at him.

“Stop that before I put you both in timeout,” Anne sighed, dabbing the corners of her mouth with her own napkin before taking a sip of her wine.

“You guys have a really cute relationship with one another,” Y/N squeaked out before she could stop herself.

Anne smiled at her warmly. “These two were the worst growing up. One time, Harry called Gemma a drug deal-”

“Mum, she knows the story, everyone knows the story,” Harry griped, brows furrowed and a pout adorning his face as he bit irritably into a piece of bread.

“You watch your tone before I actually do put you in timeout, Harry,” Anne reprimanded, before sneaking a teasing glance at Y/N.

“Is your family from around here, Y/N?” Gemma cut in, drawing attention away from Harry’s sullen expression.

“No, actually. I moved down here to LA as soon as I graduated high school because I was going to university. They live in North California, but I don’t see them as much ‘cause we don’t really get along the way you guys do.” Y/N smiled sheepishly. She’d told Harry about her complicated past with her parents briefly, but never in depth. He never pried, wanting her to do it on her own terms so that she didn’t divulge information she didn’t regret.

“I do have siblings, though. I have two brothers and two sisters, and I’m the oldest, so I was the first to leave. I miss them a lot, but we keep in touch over text and FaceTime occasionally. The second oldest is my brother, and he’s about to be a senior in high school so I’m glad our younger siblings have him to look up to.”

Anne and Gemma both smiled in tandem.

“Families can be tough, sometimes,” Gemma mused, popping more pasta into her mouth.

“Families aren’t always the ones related to you by blood, either,” Anne continued, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand, which she returned with a grateful smile.

“Wha’ they’re sayin’ is tha’ yeh can be a part of ours,” Harry concluded, poking Y/N in the ribs and laughing at the way she squealed.

“Sounds like a plan.”

…

After the table had been cleared, Y/N asked Harry to take Gemma and Anne into the living room so everyone could all resume conversation over tea. The rest of dinner had gone nicely, with them asking questions about her life before stardom and Harry, and her trading her answers for embarrassing stories about the dork she’d been blessed enough to call hers. They hadn’t mentioned anything about the age gap, or the way that Y/N and Harry had met, and Y/N decided to take that as acceptance of the circumstances, which she was thankful for. 

She was bustling around the kitchen, taking out mugs and warming up water on the stove. She really loved Anne and Gemma, and how they seemed to be so compassionate and interested in everything she had to say, just like Harry. They were a lovely trio, and she just hoped they liked her as much as Harry said they would. She let out a sigh as she leaned against the counter next to the stove, waiting for the water to boil.

“Alright, love?” Anne’s sweet voice came from behind her, causing her to spin around wildly and hold her heart.

“Oh, Anne! Hello! I spaced out a bit waiting for the water, sorry.”

She chuckled, before crossing the kitchen to stand near Y/N.

“You’re quite the jumpy one, but it’s endearing. I just wanted to check on you. Harry and Gemma got into a tiff over ketchup or cream cheese with fries.”

Y/N grimaced, silently swearing that if she ever caught Harry eating his fries with ketchup, she’d seriously consider making an anonymous fan account and expose him.

“Sometimes, he’ll wake up in the middle of my night and make the weirdest snacks, but they’re all healthy. He’s always trying to cram that nasty kale smoothie down my throat every morning, but I always manage to slip away.”

Anne shook her head, feigning disgust. “I don’t know who put him on this health fad, but I always make sure to fatten him up when he comes to visit. Although, he hasn’t come home to visit in about six months.”

Y/N hummed in response, before it hit her. Six months… About the same amount of time her and Harry had been seeing each other. She paled, stammering, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I always tell him to go visit but he never listens, and he insists on staying in the States. He’s really stubborn when he wants to be, and I just-”

Anne patted her shoulder, laughing, “You really are jumpy, aren’t you? It’s no one’s fault. He’s quite enamored with you, and we don’t mind, as long as he’s happy. A lifestyle like this makes it hard to find love, so we’re just glad he found you. I just ask that you be honest with him and take care of him as best you can. He’s got the biggest heart in the world, and in the past it’s pained me to watch him struggle with relationships. He always wonders why he isn’t enough, and he’ll ponder over what he could’ve done better. I think he’s just tired of… Maybe this sounds silly, but he’s tired of chasing love.”

Y/N gasped, turning to face Anne, who looked back at her, confused. “Did Harry tell you about that phrase?”

Anne seemed a bit perplexed still, but she shook her head slowly. No.

Y/N breathed in, giving Anne an apologetic look. “When I was a kid, before my relationship with my parents got really bad, my mom would always say that to me. She’d always tell me that she spent her entire life chasing love, and she never found it. I’ve always used that phrase.”

Anne nodded in understanding. “Harry never told me you used the phrase, but it’s the best way to describe all the pining and pondering he does every time a relationship fails.”

“I promise I’m going to do everything to make sure he doesn’t have to chase it anymore, because I’m tired of doing the same. If I’m honest, I’m just really scared to end up the same way my mom did.” Y/N reached over to grasp Anne’s hand in a moment of courage. Y/N was grateful they had this conversation, opening up to each other about how they just wanted the best for Harry.

Before Anne could reply, Harry burst into the kitchen. His eyes were alight with excitement, and his body was visibly vibrating as he shakily held out Y/N’s phone.

“Sorry t’interrupt bonding time, but Y/N, Hannah’s having a baby!”

…

Y/N didn’t remember much of what happened between her collapsing on the floor and getting into the car, but here she was, sandwiched between Anne and Gemma while Harry sped down the highway to get to the hospital.

She could almost laugh at the irony; in high school, she’d tease and mock Hannah, saying that she would be the one to pass out from the pain of having a child. Instead, Y/N was the one to pass out from the shock of her best friend having a child.

“Love, this is so exciting, innit? Christ, I think I migh- Hey! Asshole, stay in yeh lane!” Harry was giddy, driving as quickly (and safely) as he could without hurting them, and other people. Babies had always fascinated him, and here he was, about to be part of the birth of another one! Y/N rolled her eyes as she tried to stop her hands from shaking; at least someone was happy.

“Quite exciting,” she replied dryly, looking out the window.

Harry wore a large hoodie under the jacket he’d come to Y/N’s house in, and Y/N wore the baggiest pair of sweats she could find coupled with a large sweatshirt. She put her hair up in a bun and tucked it away under a beanie, hoping that would cover them for the most part. Andrew had said they’d given them a secluded waiting room, but they couldn’t be too careful.

“You look pale, Y/N… Are you okay?” Gemma looked at her sideways, lips frowning in concern.

“Yeah, obviously, I’m so happy,” Y/N decided, voice shaking a bit with nerves and excitement, “but it’s a little surreal, since Hannah has been my friend since middle school, and right now she’s about to have a little human come out of her body like it’s a slip-n-slide.” Gemma patted her knee in understanding, deciding she’d simply leave it at that and give the car some silence so everybody could calm down.

As Harry screeched into a parking spot, Y/N clambered to open the door so she could run into the hospital. She tried to do that, at least. As soon as her feet touched the pavement, she buckled again, knees shaking wildly, and Harry simply grabbed her arm and sprinted with Anne and Gemma into the hospital. They kept their heads low and followed the directions that Andrew had given them, but it wasn’t a problem because the bustle of the hospital and the exhaustion of families waiting and milling about was enough to cover them.

“Y/N!” A voice screeched, causing them all to look at a very disheveled Andrew. His hair was incredibly unruly, matching the state of his sweats and t-shirt, which were both stained with pasta sauce, and his glasses were askew. He had mismatched shoes: one Nike slide, and one flip-flop.

“Andie, you got here quick! Where is she?” Y/N was frantic, running to Andrew who was ticking like a time bomb.

“Right here, asswipes,” another voice cut in. Hannah wheeled into the waiting room, situated in a wheelchair and clad in a hospital gown. She looked exhausted, but her eyes were bright with fire.

“He’s not exactly ready to come out yet, but until then, I’ve just been wheeling around aimlessly. You got here faster than I thought you would… And you brought friends!”

“I’m Anne, Harry’s mum. Are you nervous?” Harry’s mom waltzed up to her and knelt down, placing her hands on Hannah’s stomach and smiling up at her brightly.

“I’ve heard a lot about you! Y/N was a wreck this morning before you guys came over.” Y/N shot her a look over Anne’s shoulder. “As for being nervous, I don’t think I am. yet,” Hannah replied.

“I’m Gemma, it’s nice to meet you.” Gemma extended her hand, and Hannah shook it firmly.

“Hi Gemma, I’m pregnant.” A beat of silence passed before she let out a boisterous laugh that made everybody blink and look at each other uncomfortably.

“Well, I lied to Anne, because I just made a dad joke, and if that doesn’t show you how nervous I am…” Hannah trailed off, shrugging her shoulders.

“Y/N collapsed when she heard the news,” Harry smirked, which caused Hannah to laugh, then wince, and clutch her stomach.

“Kyle is coming from work, but I doubt he’ll be here in time. He had the night shift, and he’s been taking so many days off the past month.”

“Well… whether or not Kyle gets here in time, we’ll all be here for you,” Y/N declared, getting down on her knees and pressing her hands against Hannah’s tummy. Her voice broke at the end of her sentence, and tears clouded her vision. How did they go from stupid middle school girls who couldn’t figure out how to put a tampon in, to adults that were staring life (quite literally) in the face?

“If you fucking cry, I’m going to make you change his first diaper,” Hannah warned gruffly, snapping her head to look away from Y/N’s eyes that were threatening to give way to waterworks.

“Your mom is terrifying. Stay in there a little longer.” Y/N whispered to her stomach, causing everybody to laugh.

All they could do was wait, at this point.

…

It had been two hours since they’d got to the hospital, and after being beat by Andrew in Speed five times and hearing him discuss the material for his paper that was due next week, Y/N was hoping Koda would just pop his head out already so they could all go home. Kyle had arrived, flustered, but once he saw that he hadn’t missed the birth of his first child, he settled down in a waiting room chair and promptly fell asleep.

“I always knew I wanted to be an engineer, you know, but sometimes the workload is insane. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and wonder if I’ve reached rock bottom yet, or I’ve still got a little bit more to go,” Andrew ranted, eyes wild as he explained his dilemma to a very intrigued Gemma. Y/N cringed inwardly. Harry’s hand was resting on her bouncing knee, and Anne was reading a magazine.

“Look, love, you’re in this one,” Anne exclaimed, squinting her eyes to read the print, “Which Harry Styles body part are you based on this quiz?” She blinked, glancing over to Harry and chuckling softly.

“Mum, s’not funny,” he whined, looking at the magazine, “Who the hell would want to be my elbow anyways? I guess m’flattered but… Everybody should shoot to be better than my elbow.”

“I GOT IT BITCHES!” Hannah boomed, wheeling back into the room from God knows where and startling everybody. Kyle jolted in his seat, snapping to attention as his fuzzy eyes fought to focus on the scene around him.

“Christ, for a woman that’s about to push a kid out, you’re really spritely,” Andrew snapped bitterly, staring disappointedly at the scattered card house that had fallen when Hannah had startled everybody.

“Well, it looks like this kid still isn’t coming out so I ordered Olive Garden, and the guy gave it to me for free since I’m pregnant and all. I was willing to share it, but since you’re being so bitter…”

“Look at my t-shirt,” Andrew gritted out, voice escalating, “IT’S COVERED IN PASTA SAUCE. I DON’T WANT ANY OF YOUR DAMN PASTA ANYWAY.”

“Someone’s grumpy,” Hannah noted, slurping away at her pasta and gnawing leisurely on a breadstick.

“Someone’s going to choke on spaghetti,” he replied tightly, gathering his cards to begin building again.

“There’s a lot of chaotic energy coming from the both of you, and if you don’t stop, I’m taking your hospital pudding,” Y/N threatened, pointing at Hannah, “And you’re going to change the first diaper,” she finished, pointing at Andrew. The entire time, Harry had buried his face into Y/N’s shoulder, stifling his laughs.

He enjoyed watching Y/N’s friends interact. It was always two of them going at it, and one of them trying to stop it, but he knew that in the end, they all loved each other. Anne and Gemma were sitting and listening with grins on their faces, watching the scene unfold.

“I’m gOinG tO taKE yOur pUdDinG,” Hannah mimicked, shovelling noodles into her mouth and aggressively chomping down to break the long strands. Y/N scowled, crossing her legs, and Harry couldn’t help but think she looked adorable when she was disgruntled.

“Ow, what the fuck?” Hannah spat out chunks of her noodles, one hand dropping her fork and immediately flying to clutch her stomach. Kyle flung himself across the room and onto her knees at her side, stumbling over his words as he tried to ask her what was wrong. She grimaced, looking down at her stomach before giving him a pointed look.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, Kyle,” Hannah faked confusion, exaggerating her facial features, “It’s not like we’ve been waiting for our first child to come out for at least an hour. I wonder what could be wrong when a sharp pain suddenly cuts through my entire body and makes me want to scream.”

Kyle blushed, putting his hand over hers, “You don’t have to be so snarky about it, babe.”

“Well, gee, I think you’d be just as pissy if you were feeling- Ow! Jesus Christ, what the hell?” Hannah’s face was contorted in genuine pain at this point, and Y/N felt her face pale. Oh, God, it was actually happening!

“I’m going to call someone!” Andrew stood up on wobbly legs and sprinted out of the waiting room, leaving everybody to scramble and make themselves as useful as they could during the situation. Everybody began speaking all at once.

“Just breathe, darling…”

“You’re going to be okay, you know.”

“I love babies! They’re so cute!”

“I knew having sex was a bad idea.”

“Oh, my God, I’m about two seconds from passing out, you’re going to push a living human out of-”

“Shut up,” Hannah grunted, breathing labored, gripping one handle of the wheelchair tightly in one fist and her stomach with her other hand, “It doesn’t hurt that bad yet, but it will in a second, so I just wanted to say that I’m thankful you’re all here and that whatever profanities I string together in that delivery room are not to be taken personally.”

A nurse had run into the waiting room with a winded Andrew trailing behind her.

“We’re going to take good care of you, ma’am.”

Hannah nodded curtly, wincing as another contraction spread through her body.

“You,” she griped, pointing at Kyle, “You put this thing in me. Get in the delivery room. And you,” she continued, pointing at Y/N, “Touch my pudding and die. Wheel me in, lady. I want this thing out of me as soon as possible. See you guys on the other side! ”

…

“You know, this is actually the most eventful thing that’s ever happened to me.” Y/N and Harry were in the waiting room, cuddled together and enjoying the quiet hum of the hospital. Anne and Gemma had gone to the cafeteria to go scout out some coffee for the four of them.

“Mm? Livin’ life as a popstar, an’ this is the most eventful tha’s ever happened?” Harry mused, gently stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. He had to admit today was a rollercoaster, but he was happy for Hannah and Kyle, and extremely ecstatic he was able to witness the events that had occurred.

“Definitely. Both of my chaotic best friends in a waiting room for multiple hours because one of them is about to give birth to a living, breathing child. It’s super surreal. Something doesn’t have to be extravagant to be eventful or memorable. It just has to be… I don’t know where I’m going with this, but you get my drift.”

Harry nodded, humming in agreement as silence overtook them once more.

“Punch me if yeh want, but jus’ promise me when we have our first kid, yeh won’t sling such artful language my way.”

Y/N jolted, sitting upright to look at Harry’s sleepy face. His eyes were bright with truth and mischief, but it was so comforting to know she wasn’t the only one who had fleeting thoughts of their future.

“You’ve got yourself a deal… If you promise to bring me Olive Garden as a pre-birth preparation meal.

The Best Films of 2019, Part VI

Yes, I know that it’s almost March. Thanks for taking the ride. GREAT MOVIES

22. Apollo 11 (Todd Douglas Miller)- To disrespect this movie is to disrespect the moon landing itself so... I do like listening to the Walter Cronkite snippets about "the burdens and dreams of all mankind" and smirking at the idiots who talk about "back when people just read the news without editorializing." 21. Waves (Trey Edward Shults)- I could have done with five fewer shots of people holding each other, and the foreshadowing could be more subtle, but, man, Shults takes some huge swings here, for a more powerful effect than either of his previous films had. It isn't often that a colorist gets a single card in the opening credits, but it makes sense for a film that stands out as much as this loud, woozy piece does. I don't think there's anything as present-tense this year as a character drunk-driving to Kanye West's "I Am a God." 20. Jojo Rabbit (Taika Waititi)- The dissenters of Jojo Rabbit have been pretty uniform in their negativity, and I think their stance has to do with not wanting to be told what to think or feel. (Putting "an anti-hate satire" on the poster has to fire up those haters.) This movie is not subtle or ambiguous, but you know what? Casablanca is a pretty didactic movie too. Let me back up from the C-word. For me, the film's emotional scenes are better than its comedic scenes, but in either form, Waititi directly engages with a ten-year-old in a way that neither romanticizes him nor condescends to him. That's such an imperfect, transformative age in a boy, and not enough movies are willing to wrestle with how ugly it can be. Roman Griffin Davis is pretty good, but he's spotted by sincere, compassionate performances by Thomasin McKenzie and Scarlett Johansson. It's possible that Johansson has never been better. I totally understand why someone with her sex symbol baggage would resist playing mothers; if I've done my homework, this is the first time she has done it, even though she's a parent in real life. But her maternal scenes here are heartbreaking in their patience, particularly in a scene for which her character "plays" herself and her absent husband. Besides uncorking a more vulnerable part of herself, Johansson nails the performative aspect of being a parent, resisting the urge to make everything a lesson but wanting so desperately to be a positive example for a kid who needs one. 19. Honeyland (Ljubomir Stefanov and Tamara Kotevska)- I greatly prefer the term "non-professional actor" or "first-time actor" to "non-actor" because it's only human nature to act differently when being filmed. The second even a camera filming a birthday party captures you, you start to perform. But in handmade stone houses in rural Macedonia, the subjects are true non-actors. They have no affect because, in all likelihood, they have not seen a movie before. So the way that Hatidze lived over the course of the three years of this project--with purpose, focus, and wisdom--seemed new to me. Honeyland is the gift that I always hope for from documentary and (especially) foreign documentary: a slice of life that I never knew I needed. 18. Under the Silver Lake (David Robert Mitchell)- Andrew Garfield's Sam spends a lot of time on his balcony surveying his apartment complex, staring at a topless woman in a way that recalls Marlowe in The Long Goodbye, one reference point among hundreds. Sometimes he watches through binoculars, sometimes he watches through blinds--blind imagery that shows up over and over again in a movie about voyeurism. Anyway, this neighbor keeps parrots, who we're told as kids can "talk." Not that the animals have any conscious intention with their mimicking, but they replicate what they hear or are taught. The words are signified without any signifiers, so it's hard to even classify the noises as speech. Maybe those noises are everything--a tie to our species that reveals impressive intelligence--but maybe they're nothing--a silly hope of a world that seems less alone. And that subjective interpretation of code is the clearest metaphor in an otherwise elliptical, bizarre, sprawling, sui generis film. It's messy alright. Some of the threads lead nowhere, but in a movie about order and chaos, that's obviously the point. The scene with The Songwriter--barely any of the characters have names--is over ten minutes and might not have any narrative consequence. But in the moment it's earth-shattering and urgent. And maybe I'm the obvious audience, but I'm not going to complain about anyone taking a dance break for "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" 17. 1917 (Sam Mendes)- Weirdly enough, a Lauryn Hill line kept bouncing around in my head as I was nervously tapping my foot: "It could all be so simple, / But you had to make it hard." This is a direct story told with impossible technical aptitude. 1917 isn't saying anything new, but have you ever seen a plane crash ten feet away from the camera forty-five minutes into an unbroken take? No offense, but do you remember when we were all impressed that Creed had a five-minute fight in one take? Blimey. 16. American Factory (Steven Bognar and Julia Reichert)- It's a rare documentary that makes its case so gracefully and so forcefully at the same time. The film ends so conclusively that it could be considered labor activism, but it's so fair that the union-busting schmucks are willing to joke around with the filmmakers without obfuscating at all. The obvious forebearer for this sort of boots-on-the-ground snapshot of American labor is Harlan County U.S.A., but American Factory is more staid and less concerned with setting because, you know, this could be anywhere.The Chairman is the best villain since Thanos, and as he looked back on his life while walking around his empty cabana, I had to squint a bit to make sure he wasn't purple.

15. Ad Astra (James Gray)- Ad Astra declares so that it can suggest. The opening crawl says that the near future is a "time of hope and conflict," but all we see is the conflict: the pirates on a borderless moon that we've ruined with Applebee'ses, the neglected wife leaving her ring on a table, the voiceover that declares, "I always wanted to be an astronaut...for all mankind and all." This film will take place in four parts--Earth, Moon, Mars, Neptune--and each part will offer unique obstacles to challenge our phlegmatic but confused hero. But all of that table-setting allows James Gray to explore. There's a scene in which the Roy character uses a belt to pull himself, one tug at a time, deeper into the unknown, and we see the action through the reflection in his helmet as we're watching his face. We're seeing through his eyes but at a remove, and in this moment we're watching him heave himself into emptiness, thinking that the more distant and lonely and absent he gets, the more of a man he becomes. We know that's not true, but we kind of think it is from the movies, and Ad Astra has a happy ending if only because it wants to disprove that notion. Lots of artistes talk about how they could, without compromise, make grand, big-budget entertainments if they only wanted to. James Gray did. 14. Ash Is Purest White (Jia Zhangke)- In a train on the way to her hometown, the protagonist Xiao casually tells a fellow passenger that she has seen a UFO. Although it comes up later in a sort of magic realism flourish, her statement seemed like a character moment for me. People who see UFOs are either guileless rubes or attention-seeking hucksters, and that's the dance of Tao Zhao's performance. Even after seeing the movie, I can't tell which one Xiao is. Often it changes in the course of a scene. The time when she shows the most agency, firing off her boyfriend's illegal gun to ward off his attackers, results in the time when she is the most helpless, being ordered around in jail. She might confess her ex-con status in a moment of vulnerability, then flake out at the next train stop in an attempt to seize her power back. (It's worth mentioning that there are lots of movies about flaky drifters who don't pay the tab, but few of them are about women.) Even the way that she holds her backpack--frontways--is street-smart and child-like at the same time. This is the second film that Jia has made with a triptych setting, (Mountains May Depart is slightly superior.) and he doesn't make the flash forwards obvious. He invites the performance's same sort of healthy confusion upon the viewer with the formal elements. I, for one, am willing to get probed by these foreign objects. 13. Toy Story 4 (Josh Cooley)- I questioned a late moment in the film, one of the plottier ones in which Woody goes back to save another toy one more laborious time. When I sighed, my wife reminded me, "He never leaves a toy behind." Toy Story 4 is a dazzling upgrade in the series from a visual standpoint, (I gasped again at Woody lying in a damp, sunny patch of concrete.) but it's more of a reminder of the consistent character development and weight that have been blanketing us for twenty-three years. Pixar isn't reinventing the wheel because it is the wheel. Sure, the characters are too numerous and separate now. I miss the OG's Rex and Hamm. But for one thing, that rogue's gallery makes it funnier when, say, Buttercup pops up with a joke out of nowhere. And the new characters, particularly Forky the Nihilist, are so lovable that I wouldn't know who to trade. Toy Story 4 is probably the worst of the franchise, but that franchise--especially when its subtext seems to be questioning people who want to stop intellectual property from evolving--might be the best we have. 12. Clemency (Chinonye Chukwu)- In discussing the aftermath of an execution, Alfre Woodard's warden character Bernadine mentions the mother who will claim a prisoner's body, who will follow through with plans for burial. And I realized, to be honest, that I had never thought about how executed bodies are claimed and laid to rest, though obviously those sad practicalities persist. This whole film is a reminder of the numerous costs that arise from a system that is out of time and out of reason. To that end, every character is fully drawn with empathy. For example, the assistant warden, which could have been a nothing part, has ambitions and fears that give him an arc that shades the protagonist. The Richard Schiff and Wendell Pierce characters make the film about the compromised promises of retirement, but the assistant warden is there to tug us back into law enforcement. Neon ended up putting this movie on the awards circuit back burner, but Aldis Hodge deserves the world. Although the film piles on one indignity too many for my taste, drifting into miserableism, Hodge's performance has a rare possessive quality. Catatonic in his most crestfallen moments and antic when he clings to hope, Hodge drags the audience along with him. The character is quiet, but every word counts. 11. The Farewell (Lulu Wang)- I was not been more thoroughly charmed all year, especially by Awkwafina, who is a revelation in a tricky role. There are a few scenes that get comedic effect through repetition, and it's telling that the subtitles stop by the third or fourth run-through of a line. The movie assumes you're smart, which goes even further than its piercing emotion. Shout-out to Mr. Li, who made me crack up every time I saw him. The elderly sort-of-boyfriend is such a common figure in real life, but I'm not sure I've ever seen that character type on screen. I'm not sure I've seen any of this on-screen, and that's the reason the film exists.

10. Avengers: End Game (Joe Russo and Anthony Russo)- For a guy who grew up in the '30s, Captain America is pretty cool with gay people. 9. Gloria (Sebastian Lelio)- I saw Lelio's original Gloria, the one that he's remaking here, and it didn't do much for me, even though it hit some of the same beats as this one. I wonder what the difference could be...do you think the total commitment of one of the greatest actresses in the world matters? Lelio documents who this woman is to her children, to her mother, to her ex-husband, to her lover, to her co-workers, and it's by tracking the tiny compromises of those relationships that the viewer gets to see the fully realized her. The cyclical editing of those pieces--sing a disco song to herself in the car, rinse, repeat--ends up lulling the viewer into his role of seeing the complete Gloria. It ends up being a fun, absorbing process. I yelled out loud at Turturro for disrespecting my girl. Moore, who is in every scene, sells us on these different versions of the character through complete control of her instrument. She lets headphones slump along her body at work. She kneels down toward a street performer in a more maternal way than she ever presents with her actual daughter. She sits cross-legged with her best friend, as if they're little girls. I won't spoil what she does at the end, when she is at her most empowered. 8. Midsommar (Ari Aster)- I love this movie, but, boy, is it a friendship killer if you recommend it to the wrong person. Whether you liked Hereditary or not is a good predictor for your taste, but I think Ari Aster's follow-up is much better: Whereas the unpredictability of Hereditary makes the mysticism of its final fourth seem like a leap that you either accept or don't, Midsommar is driving so hard in one direction that its dread is even more pronounced. (The prologue is so masterfully deliberate and gloomy that it takes a long time for the film to get back to those depths.) For comparison's sake again, Aster was painting in the colors of hysteria and fractured relationships before, but the new film seems much more biting and vital in the way it depicts modern men and women. I'm thinking of the way Dani excuses herself at the risk of compromising her safety or rationalizes her boyfriend's forgetting her birthday with "Well, I didn't remind him." All of the characters become victims of a misinformed, selfish brand of multicultural tolerance that makes them rationalize evil instead of speaking up, and that acceptance serves the plot way better than the average horror movie's running up the stairs instead of out the door. For his part, Christian, who seems sympathetic at first, takes ideas, drugs, and even women for himself with impunity. (It's important that he's an anthropology student, and it's more important that his name is Christian.) When he colonizes his Black friend's thesis topic, it might seem like a tipping point, but he was one step ahead in using rules and approval for his purposes. None of the Americans bother to stop him, but that doesn't mean that no one stops him. 7. A Hidden Life (Terrence Malick)- "The sun shines on good and evil the same." In the baggy second hour of what might be Terrence Malick's most direct and linear film, martyr Franz Jagerstatter tosses off that line with grace and aplomb, at a time when most of us would have neither to spare. His captors are confused when he denies that his conscientious objection will make any difference in the war or when he doubts that he is more morally evolved than his countrymen. His refusal to pledge an oath to Hitler is a state with no outcome in mind, which the results-obsessed Nazis cannot understand. In that way he is the perfect Malickian hero, which means he is the perfect Heideggerian hero: a man who sees all planes of existence as equal--or at least equally unknowable to him. As a farmer, Franz observes and acts upon cycles, but he is smaller than Nature and the communion he finds with God there. So when he's torn from his family and daily life to be stuck in a prison, he is separated from that concord further and further. The key, however, is that he is no more or less powerful than before, and that knowledge is what gives him transcendental perspective. He is indifferent in the way that only a saint can be. Of course, what I'm describing also makes for a passive protagonist, which is why the cross-cutting to his wife Fani is so effective. She is the one who has to shoulder the burden of his ideals, and Valerie Pachner's stolid performance sells that sacrifice. The overall balance comes from the jagged but precise editing, and the production is all the more impressive for retaining the Malick style despite the absence of most of his regular collaborators. (This is the first time since The Thin Red Line that he hasn't worked with Jack Fisk, but there the production design is, crafting a 1940 Austrian town out of nothing and building a network of water symbolism that I don't understand yet.) In fact, the whirling steadicam and the avoidance of artificial light have more of a thematic purpose than ever if "the sun shines on good and evil all the same." Perhaps the greatest achievement of this film about unjust war is that it made me pray for Donald Trump today. Because if I want to be like Franz Jagerstatter, then I have to believe the light of God shines on him too. 6. Knives Out (Rian Johnson)- A third of the way into this imaginative, absorbing whodunit, I started to talk myself into the surface pleasures of cinema. "So what if it doesn't have much to say; look at these stars going for it with this spicy dialogue and these gleeful twists." Then the subtext asserts itself through a radiant Ana de Armas, and the subtext becomes the text in the final shot. Knives Out is the best of all worlds. Rian Johnson might be the first filmmaker for whom a Star Wars movie ends up being a footnote. 5. Everybody Knows (Asghar Farhadi)- There's a photograph hanging in the library (yes, the stately library) of the patrician family of my childhood best friend, and I'm in that picture. There I am, dressed a bit sloppier than everyone else, near the edge of the frame. Because I was there, as usual, and because they are kind. Everybody Knows is about one of those family friend outsiders, perhaps in a way that no other movie has been. When it's at its best, it's about what those marginal figures can and can't say, can and can't do. The film dips into soap opera territory, but only to sell its message of how secrets beget other secrets. For me, it's another Farhadi hit of approachable, modest conflict that bakes itself into an experience. 4. Marriage Story (Noah Baumbach)- The best divorce movie ever made--by the guy who wrote and directed the former belt holder of the best divorce movie ever made. These luminous lead performances aren't just about saying cutting, hurtful things or reacting to their child's preference for the other parent (or at least the other parent's toys). They're about the internal devastation of realizing you can never take back something you've said. Driver and Johansson each get a chance to sink into one of those moments, and they're joined by a head-tilting, blustery Laura Dern, who gets a Virgin Mary speech that won her an Oscar. And there are jokes! Underrated aspect of the movie: The son is kind of a dipshit. I like that he just hates math and wants to eat candy, as opposed to the cute prodigies we've seen before in this type of movie. They're fighting over a kid only a parent could love. INSTANT CLASSICS

3. Uncut Gems (Josh Safdie and Benny Safdie)- Howard the jeweler lives somewhere in upstate New York, but he has an apartment in the city. It's an apartment that is close enough for him to cab over to his mistress who lives there, but it's far enough away that his family wouldn't bother popping in for a visit. That sort of gap is present throughout Uncut Gems: Family members act differently in the Diamond District than they do at seder, and we first see Howard from the literally vulnerable inside of a colonoscopy, not the animated brio of his tightrope-walking exterior. Of course, the gem of the title is the ultimate division: something pure that the characters are searching for, untouched by the process that Howard, by definition, does. And the film is about how little he can abide by purity. Until now, The Gambler (1974) was probably the best film of this type, a snapshot of a cursed man who seems to be gambling with forces way beyond the game in question. But Uncut Gems is more pathological, more authentic, more intense, and more decisively realized. By focusing more on character than the Safdie Brothers' other work, it offers a unique depiction of compulsive behavior and implicates the audience in rooting for Howard's (technically unrealistic) parlay. By doubling down on his bets or re-uniting with his girlfriend, Howard thinks that he can reinvent himself and start anew. But like the legacy of the Chosen People the film depicts, like the lines on all of these great New York faces, some things are permanent.

2. The Irishman (Martin Scorsese)- "It's what it is." You wouldn't blame someone if he saw the logline and lineup of The Irishman and expected GoodFellas. In fact, this one quotes Scorsese's signature film continually. Instead of slicing onions with a razorblade, old convicts pitch bocce balls. Instead of tracking sumptuously through the Copa, Scorsese's camera wanders through a nursing home. Instead of pistol-whipping Karen's neighbor for getting handsy, our protagonist curb-stomps a grocery owner for shoving his daughter. But there's a GoodFellas staple that is missing. The first fourth of that crime saga closes as Young Henry, played by Christopher Serrone, gets rewarded for staying mum in court. All of his partners in crime cheer him, and he is told that he learned a valuable lesson (in protecting the family and subverting the law). Then we cut to Adult Henry, played by Ray Liotta now, because Young Henry has learned everything he has to know. The Irishman has no such moment of elevation or revelation. Frank is, crucially, played by Robert De Niro over the course of decades because his fall from grace--if there ever was grace--is too imperceptible for any before-and-after divide. The lessons that he learns are just as corrupting as what Henry discovers: Power comes from insularity. Having power means you don't have to prove it. Organized crime, organized labor, and the political process are all the same thing. A code is all a man has, but all codes have limits. However, Frank's corruption, the selling of his soul, doesn't even bring an Asian-inspired chiffonier or a Janice Rossi sidepiece. Frank doesn't get rich; he jams his hands into a plastic ice bucket at the bar next to his couch. He doesn't get powerful; he has to kill because Russell is too prominent to be in the same town as a hit. He doesn't get glory; even a celebration held in his honor is just an excuse for more influential men to do business. Frank is a tool, and he is trapped in a fruitless silence, at best an accessory at meetings. (De Niro is doing quoting of his own. There's a lot of Jackie Brown's Louis in his shrugs and smirks.) As boisterous as Scorsese's films can be, he also knows how to use silence. Robbie Robertson's score is weak, but luckily the film goes without for long stretches, including a suspenseful car ride that begins with a treacherous hug and ends with a malignant secret. The best performance comes from Joe Pesci, probably because his stolid stillness matches the overall atmosphere. Of course, the quietest moments correlate to the loneliest moments: Frank touring a cemetery or sitting with a door half-cracked to a complicit viewer. It's the silence of deliberate toil. Like the mobster ripping up carpet in the lake house, Scorsese is on his hands and knees destroying his own myths.

1. Parasite (Bong Joon-ho)- Parasite is Bong Joon-Ho's masterpiece because it distills the worldview and passions that he previously flirted with into a condensed but elaborate statement. In the same way that Mean Streets is perfectly good but feels like a rehearsal for the slow boil of encircling gangster life in GoodFellas. In the same way that Hitchcock played with the impotent everyman voyeur in a confined setting but didn't perfect it until Rear Window. Like the examples above, Parasite, a true ensemble, is a case of the subtext becoming text. Back in his native country and language, working more or less with realism, Bong is free to take aim at class in a more direct but still wacky way. In all of its crowd provocation--there's so much pleasure in just a suspenseful winding down stairs--the film is destined to be a foreign film gateway drug. But really it just makes we want to take a half-star off my Snowpiercer review since I know Bong can do better now.

Top 5 Things I Liked About RWBY Volume 3

Those of you who have been following this little series of posts are probably going ‘wait a sec Callie, don’t you do the dislikes post first?” Which, yes I do, but there’s a reason why I’m doing Likes. It’s because, well... there’s not going to be a Dislikes post. I tried to think of things that I genuinely disliked about V3. I tried to think of nitpicks that I had about V3. I tried to see if there were things that I disliked back when it aired.

And I got nothing.

Yeah, I disliked nothing about V3. I had to stretch on Dislikes in V2, but here? I got nothing. I mean sure certain character deaths sucked because... well, death. But these scenes were actually done well, so I don’t dislike them. There’s a couple of little animation errors, but I can’t make a list out of that nor do those bother me since the animation is overall very good. This was my favorite volume up until V6 (and even with that I was able to come up with dislikes for it) and needless to say, this volume out of all fo them is not one that you mess around with. So instead of forcing myself to make a list I’ve got no material for, we’re skipping to Likes. Cause I’ve got plenty of those.

#5. Maiden Twist

I remember when this twist got revealed, and I was in shock... well that and because the same chapter ended in Yang being defamed and they decided to choose then to go on holiday hiatus. That was still mean RT! Okay, yeah the twist. I... really liked it! It made sense, added to the lore of the series, and really ramped upt he tension. Sure we weren’t 100% sure how the Maidens would tie into the overall plot, but V5 fixed that so any issues that I had with it are long since resolved.

I think what really makes me appreciate it is for those unaware, this twist? This was the final thing conceived by Monty before his passing in February 2015 when V3 would have been in pre-production. This was not a part of the original plan for RWBY, but Miles and Kerry decided to keep it and work with it anyone since it was Monty’s final idea. IDK what the original plan was, and we’ll probably never know, but I think that they fit it in very well. It explains why CInder has so much power. Part of why the Ozluminati is so secretive. It makes the world more interesting and as I said, adds to the lore. And the tale itself was very well done and felt like a genuine fairy tale, especially the version in World of Remnant.

The execution wasn’t 100% perfect. Like I said, the importance of the Maidens int he story wasn't made clear until V5. But considering that they had to figure out how to fit it in with the overall planned story, I say that they did very well. The rule also makes plenty of sense, and that I appreciate. I really like to applaud writers who make changes like this work, and nowadays I can't imagine RWBY without the Maidens. Would the original plan have been better? I don’t know. But I’m happy with where they took things, and I’d say that Monty’s final contribution is one that’s impact isn't fading out anytime soon.

#4. Yang Development

Okay IDK if development is the right word, but this was a good volume for Yang! Well okay for her it probably sucked. A lot. But for us watching, it... was painful. But it was good for her character arc!

Up to this point, Yang was probably the least developed of the four girls. She was a pretty girl who was really good at hitting things and was a fun, but caring friend and sister. But otherwise, she’d had little development and imo her motivation to become a Huntress was by far the weakest. But anything that she lacked she made up for in personality and even then, she was by far the fan-favorite. SHe’s... my least favorite of Team RWVY, mainly for other reasons I’ll get to when I do a later list, but I still enjoy her and she’s always been really fun.

And it made what happened in this volume all the more painful.

First, she gets framed and can’t prove her innocence. Her team gets disqualified from the Vytal Festival as a result. Then the Battle of Beacon happens! She can't do anything for her sister and therefore tries to find Blake. She finds her getting attacked by Adam, she tries to interfere, and... she loses an arm. Worst, Blake, the person she just lost a limb for runs away without so much as a goodbye. Weiss is taken away by force, and all of this along with the loss of Beacon and the multiple deaths have left Yang broken and bitter. She can’t even comfort Ruby or accept any comfort that her sister offers, and in the end just tells Ruby to go do what she wants and leave her alone. Ruby leaves sometime later, all while Yang is still sitting in bed with an empty look.

This volume was brutal for everyone, but Yang by far is one of the ones who had it the roughest. It hurts since, in the first half of the volume, she’s her usual happy, bright self and is easily winning all of her fights. She did nothing wrong but had to go through Hell all because of the villains who she did nothing to. It provides a lot of good later, which again I’ll touch on in a later list. But God it hurt to watch this when it aired. Nevertheless, it was very well executed and you just feel so bad for this girl and utterly mortified when she loses her arm just because she tried to save her teammate. A teammate who abandons her, re-awakening her abandonment issues in the process. It was hard to watch, but it was very well done and Yang’s character only goes up from this point.

#3. Weiss Development

While Weiss’ part in the volume isn't too major, her development in the first half of the volume is freakin’ great. While we had heard enough to know that Weiss's father probably sucked, this one made that much more clear and V4 hammered that in even more. We see pretty classic abuse tactics here. Jaques tries to call Weiss, and it seems like this has been going on for a while. My HC is that he receptionist lady that Weiss talked to in V2 likely told him that Weiss called but didn’t want to talk, and that caused Jaques to increase how frequently he called her. Weiss continues to ignore it, so Jaques strips her of her income so that she can't so much as buy lunch for herself. A clear warning to Weiss that even when in another continent, she’s still under her father’s lock and key.

But then Winter arrives. While she’s stern and kinda cold, Winter is clearly a good influence in Weiss’ life and a caring older sister. She not only tries to help Weiss learn her Summoning glyph, but she reveals that Jaques used the exact same method of cutting her off that he did on Weiss. Why? Because Winter joined the military and refused to remain under her father’s grip any longer. She managed to break away, and she encourages Weiss to do so as well. She’s on the right path via attending Beacon and fighting for her right to go there, and now she has the freedom to keep exploring the world and learning about herself. This gets Weiss to once more hang up on her father, determined to cut away from him for good and continue on her own path. 

It’s a powerful moment and really the sign that Weiss has truly broken free of her previous hateful midset. She’s a much kinder person than she was in V3, shown when she rejects the idea that Yang attacked Mercury unprovoked. In the Battle for Beacon, she defends Velvet, a Faunus and that allowed her to awaken her Summoning glyph. Sadly, as we all know, the Fall fo Beacon happened and Jaques took advantage of it to force Weiss to come back home. It is utterly tragic because Weiss finally got her freedom, and in an instant, it was yanked away from her. But because of these events, Weiss wasn’t going to remain a prisoner for long, and Jaques could control her no longer.

#2. Everything From PvP to The End of the Beginning

Yeah, I couldn't narrow it down to just one aspect. These final four episodes of V3 (PvP, Battle of Beacon, Heroes and Monsters, and The End of the Beginning) were just... freakin’ fantastic. It might be the four best consecutive episodes in the series as a whole. These mark the end of the Beacon Era. From this point on, the series changes big time. Things get darker. Characters are forced to mature. The stakes go up and have yet to go back down. The days of wacky school antics end here, and our heroes’ lives change to the point of no return.

IDK what to truly say tbh. All of the fights were freakin’ fantastic. Penny’s death, while heartbreaking, was appropriately dreadful as well as Cinder’s speech. The Grimm attack felt horrifying, but all the students rising up to fight back and act as true Huntsmen and Huntresses were freakin’ amazing. This was Roman’s last hurrah, and he was as fun as ever. Him dying sucked, but he brought it onto himself and Ruby interfering with him one last time, taking out Neo, and destroying the ship and taking out the Queen’s Virus was epic. But of course, Cinder gets the Maiden powers, the Wyvern attacks, and in the end, Beacon falls. But Cinder doesn't get to enjoy it, as it ends with Ruby awakening her Silver Eyes, and Cinder’s victory ends in her being brought down. Brutally. She got her power, but she was still defeated by and made to feel powerless. Which she hates more than anything else. All because of one little girl. 

The end of the volume is super depressing. Beacon is overrun by Grimm. Vale has been damaged. Weiss is forced back home. Blake runs away. Yang is depressed and demoralized. JNR lost a teammate. The villains all escaped. Ozpin is missing. Everything looks bleak. But there is still hope. Despite how she herself feels, Ruby decides that she still needs to fight on and go after the villains' trail to prevent this from happening again. She leaves home with JNR, determined to get to Mistral and make sure that no one else suffers like she and everyone at Beacon did. Dark times are ahead, but our heroes will recover, and they will forge on. But, of course, it ends with us finally meeting Salem for the first time, and we know that things are about to get much, much crazier from that point on.

This was a great series of episodes. It was dark and depressing but also shows how much the human spirit will persist and that there will always be heroes who rise up. It appropriately brought the show into its next stage, and it’s just as great of a watch as it was in 2016. But, of course, there is one thing that I glossed over while going over this. So... let's go ahead and talk about that.

#1. Pyrrha Nikos

This was, sadly, the final volume for Pyrrha. And they made sure to make this her story as much as possible. Pyrrha is recruited to be the Fall Maiden due to her world-class fighting abilities. She is understandably uncomfortable but willing to do it in order to protect people. But then she finds out that it may cost her who she is, and she is understandably terrified. We see how uncertain she is after, and who can blame her? Once again, her famous status has overcome anything else about her. But this time, she not only learned of some kind of mass world conspiracy but if she agreed to go through with the Aura Transfer, she may not be the same person ever again. She felt that being a Huntress and fighting to protect people was her destiny, but now with it standing before her, can she take it when she’s being asked to give up so much? When everything that she thought that she new has been turned onto its head within mere hours?

Not even Jaune could have help her overcome this. In any other scenario, his words of accepting destiny would be the right thing. But for Pyrrha, it just made her an emotional wreck. The poor boy did everything right, but now he thinks that he did everything wrong. Then to make things worst. Pyrrha ended up killing Penny and it broke her. Fortunately Ruby and Jaune broke her out of it, but she ultimately accepted the Maiden deal. After all, with everything in chaos and lives on the line, what else can she do? But of course, it failed cause of Cinder, and despite Oz telling her and Jaune to leave and get help... Pyrrha made her choice then and there. She kissed Jaune, knowing that it’ll be the only chance that she got to revealing her feelings, before pushing him the locker. he looked at the boy that she loves one more time as he begs her to not go back. She launched him to safety, knowing that she will never see him again.

Pyrrha knew that if she went back into the tower, she wasn’t going to come back out alive. She knew that she was going to die. But she was a Huntress. She signed up for that life because she wanted to do good. She wanted to help people. he felt as if that was her destiny. Even though she knew that she couldn’t beat Cinder, it was her duty to fight. Whatever good that she could do, she decided to do. She went back in, and she gave it her all. And she gave Cinder one Hell of a fight. But of course, Cinder ultimately won. Pyrrha remained defiant to the end, accepting her fate. Cinder shoots Pyrrha with an arrow, and the girl that everyone thought was unbeatable, was reduced to ashes.

Pyrrha was a fantastic character. She was kind, caring, strong, and above all selfless. She aided and trained Jaune despite everyone else dismissing him as a buffoon. She encouraged Jaune in his pursuit fo Weiss, despite her own feelings towards him. Despite all the fear and doubt that she felt and Ozpin offering her an out at the very end, Pyrrha accepted the Maiden powers and whatever the end result would have been because it was the right thing to do. And despite knowing that doing so would end in her own death, Pyrrha still faced Cinder, willing to do whatever she could do to stop Cinder. While she died, it wasn't in vain as Ruby’s arrival ensured that Cinder’s victory would cost her. A true pyrrhic victory.

In the end, Pyrrha embodied what a true Huntress should be. Selfless, dedicated, and willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to protect the people. Even now, the impact of her death can be felt. Jaune, of course, was broken by it and it wasn't until V6 that he began to find closure and move on. Ruby still feels guilty over how she failed to save her and has PTSD from it and V5 and demonstrated. Team JNPR will never truly feel whole again after the loss. But even so, they all have pushed forward and have decided to keep living. For Pyrrha. Even in death, she’ll still always be there with them, and they can continue to honor her memory. Pyrrha may be gone, but her spirit will always live on.

Okay! That’s that! So... on to Volume 4! Which there will be a Dislikes post for that one, but also a Likes post! So be on the lookout for those~!

Helpless when she smiles | Chapter 49 [Sam Drake x PlusSize!Reader]

Okay so.... My HDMI cable is in other town now, so I cannot connect my computer to my tv to publish the chapter, so I will try to do it with my phone. I will add the chapters to previous chapters later.

Tags; @dragonjedihobbit @missdictatorme @toniinhere @theoniprince @ruaiori @ikikime @souls-rain @emilyackles @bechobbi

Warnings; Blood

Chapters 1 - 9  -  Chapters 10 - 19 - Chapter 20 - 29 - Chapter 30 - 39 -   Chapter 40 - Chapter 41 - Chapter 42 - Chapter 43 - Chapter 44 - Chapter 45 - Chapter 46 - Chapter 47 - Chapter 48 - Chapter 49 - Chapter 50

Chapter 49

Sam opened the door for you, and you stepped inside the house after spending another day in the hospital with the babies. You walked few steps, looking around while listening the silence which was floating around you.

Every day you were hoping you could come back home with your little miracles, so coming back home without them - once again - was heartbreaking.

Doctors told the babies were getting stronger with each passing day, and before you knew it you'll can finally go home with them.

But since that day arrives, every time you came back home without them, killed you little from the inside. This was not what you were thinking to happen when you finally meet your babies, coming home without them, leaving them alone to the hospital.

You wiped your eye with the back of your hand from the tear that managed to escape, while Sam shut the door behind him, following you to the kitchen, where you walked to place the take-away food on the table.

Sam walked behind you, wrapped his hands around you and rested his jaw on your shoulder. You hugged his arms, closing your eyes.

“Soon we will have them home with us.” - Sam whispered, placing a soft kiss on your neck.

You squeezed harder his arms, sighing deeply. - “This was not what I imagined it would be, coming home without them.”

Sam took a hold of your hands, twirled you around and cupped your cheeks and looked deep into your eyes.

“Soon honey. Soon we have them with us in our home.”

Your eyes welled up with tears again, and after you nodded, Sam placed a long kiss on your forehead, before leaning his own to it, looking your eyes.

“You are so beautiful.” - he whispered, his thumbs softly caressing your cheeks.

Your eyes roamed his eyes, until a low growl broke the silence, and you saw how Sam's eyes widened a little.

“Well that was romantic.” - Sam chuckled amused.

“Is daddy hungry?” - you lifted your eyebrow, and soon you heard the growl again - ”I think he is.”

Sam straightened himself for his full height, leaving you feel yourself so small next to his body, as he waited his stomach to growl one more time. As soon it happened he looked down at you again. “Okay, I think it is time to our fancy dinner.”

“I’m gonna take a quick shower first.” - you chuckled and got up in your toes to kiss his cheek, and after that you started to head to the bathroom, while Sam stayed in his place, his eyes following your form til it disappeared behind the corner.

As your form was out of his sight, he sighed quietly. He wished as much as you did that you could get little Sandra and Aaron to home with you as soon as possible.

It was as hard to him as it was for you - but he didn't let it shown to the outside. He wanted to stay strong front of you, because you were the weaker and more fragile than he was.

Your past made you the way you were, even you had learned to show and open up about your feelings after meeting Sam, you learned to trust him and tell him whenever there were worries in your mind.

And if you didn't find words to say them, he had learned enough of your appearance to know whenever there was something going on, so he knew whenever you needed his present to make to feel you know that you were not alone. Not anymore.

You had now him.

And you two had Sandra and Aaron.

When Sam heard how the shower went on, he turned to face the table to unpack your take-away food, as waiting you to join him to have your not-so-fancy dinner.

While unpacking the food, he couldn’t stop wondering how much he couldn't wait that he could hold the twins all the time, walking with them around the house, talking to them, telling them about his adventures.

You made agreement he can do that when they were small and couldn't understand anything, otherwise they would get nightmares.

Yes, some of his adventures were not for kids ears, especially his time in prison, so he promised you that he will not talk about it to the twins until they are old enough - if even then.

And hr was actually looking forward to wake up in the middle of the night to feed them - or even change their diapers.

He never imagined he would wait that kind of stuff, and that thought made him chuckle amused.

He remembered that when he was sitting in the ruins of Libertalia with his brother years ago, he had told to his brother that this kind of life wasn’t for him.

Changing diapers and exchanging the baby photos.

‘Not for me.’

But he didn’t knew back then that he was going to meet a woman like you, a woman who would change everything.

The moment he saw you in that terrace, and that little smile of yours what appeared on your beautiful face, was the moment when his life was changed forever.

That smile brightened the whole terrace - and his life.

Now his life had a meaning, the emptiness what was filling his heart since the huge fail of Libertalia, was now finally filled.

He always thought the treasure of his life could be found in the deep jungles, forgotten city ruins or in the caves of mountains.

He never thought that the treasure of his life could be a family.

His own family.

He never could had imagine that the greatest adventure he could have wasn't of searching all those artifacts in lost cities of the jungles.

But it was fatherhood.

Latest trip with Chloe and Nadine made him realize, that the treasure hunt wasn't satisfying anymore.

Because he had now reason to come back home, - no, he had a reason to stay at home. He actually had real home now.

Home, what he never had since his mother died and his father dumped him and Nathan to the orphanage.

Now he had a home and a family, with you, little Aaron and Sandra.

He would had never forgive himself if he had missed their birth. He was happy he chose to leave back home early, it was like some instinct to tell him to come home, so he could be there to welcome his little babies to the world.

He smiled at himself when he remember how little Sandra took her first breaths, and how his heart clenched when he remember how he waited to hear Aaron’s first scream.

As he let his thoughts to return to this planet, he had finished your not-so-fancy take away dinner, with one single candle on table burning strongly to bring some nice and romantic feeling to your dinner, Sam finally called you to bathroom telling that the dinner was ready.

You didn’t answer to him, but he could hear how shower was still on, maybe you just didn’t hear him through the door and running water, so after short silence, he called you again.

But when there was still no answer from you, Sam frowned, how you could not hear him?

“Y/N?” - he called you once again, while making his way toward the hall and behind the bathroom door as he leaned closer to listen, hearing the shower hitting against the floor, the sound of running water being steady.

“Y/N the dinner is ready.” - but yet you still didn’t answered to him, so he turned the doorknob, opened the door while the water steam hit his face from behind it.

When the door was fully open and he looked to the shower, he saw how the water on the floor was painted in red.

His heart jumped up on his throat, his eyes widening when he stepped closer, throwing the shower curtain away, revealing behind it your naked body sitting on the floor against the wall, your face pale, head hanging down on your shoulder and the water around you painted in red from the blood.

Blood?

His scream of your name echoed in the house when he kneeled next to you, cupping your face, shaking it softly.

He patted your cheek, on which you didn’t reacted, as you were just a lump corpse.

“Oh lord… Babe… Babe… Wake up… Open your eyes, please open your eyes!” - he kept shaking your head, looking at your unconscious body, floor filled with blood while his tears had started to flow down his cheeks.

He reached to his jean pocket, to fish his phone from it as he dialed 911 with his shaking hand while his mind raced with panic. Placing the phone down to the edge of the sink as he put the speaker on, Sam once again cupped your cheeks, shaking gently your head again, repeatedly calling your name.

‘911 what’s your emergency?’

“This is Samuel Drake, I found my girlfriend from the shower unconscious, she’s bleeding!” - the panic and fear from his tone was noticeable.

‘Has she hurt herself?’ - woman's voice asked on the other side.

“Just send the fucking ambulance!” - Sam screamed to the phone, his fingers finding their place to your throat, searching for your pulse.

‘Sir, you need to calm down. Has she hurt herself?’

“No! She was in labour a week ago!” - Sam kept screaming while he turned the shower off after finding your pulse, grabbing a towel from the hook and wrapping it around your body.

‘Has she's been bleeding before?’

“Yes! But the doctor said is totally normal!”

‘Has she feeling any dizziness, nauseous or any pain in her abomnden?’

Sam froze as he looked down on your body, when his brain tried to figure had you mentioned anything to him.

You had told him your head felt little dizzy just before you came back home from the hospital, but you guessed it was just because you hadn’t eaten well that day.

About the bleeding - you told him everyday how you felt like you had periods again - which you hadn't during pregnancy. But how much you were bleeding, he didn't knew.

“I… She… She didn't…” - Sam had no words to say. You hadn't told him anything

'Sir, ambulance is there in few minutes.’

Crush (George x Adora)

Oneshot George's POV You never know what you might get to hear if you walk around in your twin's sweater

"Well, I'm off then", I said, walking down the stairs from our bedroom in Gryffindor tower and past Fred and Lee, who were setting on the couch nearby in the common room, obviously plotting another prank. I needed to get out a bit.

Looking up, Fred lifted his eyebrow. "That's my sweater you're wearing", he pointed out, noticing the dark red sweater with the canary yellow "F" in front I was wearing just now. It was a Saturday morning and therefore we were not required to wear school uniforms.

"Gee, I know. Looks better on me, I have to say." Grinning, I walked over to them. "Nah, honestly, it was just the first thing I found this morning. Apparently the houseelves took mine with them while collecting the dirty laundry. It had some nasty stains on them from our latest experiment."

We were always doing experiments of some sorts in our spare time. Those things we invented we'd use later for pranks and jokes. Sometimes things went wrong and left holes and stains on our clothes. And that were the harmless things that had happened so far.

"Otherwise I wouldn't want to be caught dead in a sweater bearing your name, dear brother", I added, smirking.

Fred rolled his eyes, pushing a strand of ginger-red hair out of his face.

"Just go, will ya?" he finally said. "Find someone else to annoy and bring me back my sweater in one piece. Looks more handsome on me anyway."

I resisted the urge to stick out my tongue - we were long past that age, after all - and left the common room. Some giggling first years, walking up the stairs to the tower, greeted me with "Hi, Fred" and big smiles. I smiled back, hiding back a grin. I wish I could do more flirting while I was supposedly Fred, but Keira, Fred's on-and-off-girlfriend, probably wouldn't take that so well. And since I liked Keira, I just smiled at the giggling girls and then went down the stairs.

Walking around the corridors, I saw Ines and some Hufflepuff first year standing at a corner. The poor boy had ink all over his sweater and looked like he was about to cry. With a charm and her wand, Adora removed the stains from the sweater, patting the boy on his shoulders.

"There you go", she said. "It's all cleaned up now. And I'll have a word with Angela later. She can't throw her ink bottle about, just because she's out of ideas for one of her stupid stories."

"Well, she wasn't exactly out of ideas, but rather ... ummm, she wanted to write about Cedric, and he forbid it, and then she threw a fit ...", the boy explained.

Adora rolled her eyes. "Yeah well, doesn't matter why, it's just not supposed to happen. No flying ink bottles in the common room."

"Make sure you tell her that." The boy sounded a lot more cheerful, now that his sweater was cleaned up. Smiling, he turned and ran away around the corner.

"Bloody dwarf", Adora muttured, refering to Angela Wentworth with her old nickname.

"Well, if it isn't little Miss Prefect ..."

Grinning, I walked over to her, leaning myself at the stone wall, right next to her, pulling at one of her long brown curls.

"Technically, it's Head Girl, not just Prefect", she automatically corrected me, turning around to face me.

I laughed. "Well then, Head Girl, go ahead, throw a fit at the dwarf for throwing around ink bottles and writing one of her stupid stories."

I knew perfectly well how good she was at throwing fits herself. Actually, I've seen her at her best and her worst. I've seen her happy and smiling, having fun with us in Hogsmeade or down at the lake. I've seen her nervous and scared, just about to do a speech in front of the whole school. I've seen her crying and miserable after my older brother, Charlie, had decided to give Romania a chance after all and left, together with their common friend, Evanna. And I've seen her yelling, mostly at her cousin, but I've heard stories about her yelling at a whole bunch of Slytherins, too.

"I'm not throwing a fit at the dwarf, it's a waste of time", she snorted, sounding annoyed. "But you shouldn't laugh about it. After all, since Cedric apparently forbade her writing a Cedric-centered story, she might just resort to write about you again or something."

I groaned, and she shook her head. "You know, and here I was thinking I was that close to actually being able to tell you two apart", she said. "When I just saw you coming my way, I thought, oh it's George. And then I realized it's you in your Fred-sweater."

I wanted to tell her to keep trusting her instincts because appearances could be deceiving, especially in the magical world or where Fred and I were concerned.

"Well, about that ..."

"Where is George, anyway?" she interrupted me. "Hanging around with Julia again?"

Julia Donovan was the new girl this year and a very loud one at that. She constantly screamed and joked around. Actually, I liked Julia a lot - but hanging around with her could actually be exhausting.

"Not today", I answered, which was correct - I wasn't hanging around with Julia just now, I was standing right next to Adora. In my brother's sweater, unfortunately.

"Well, he seems to like her a lot", she said, sighing. "Even Lyssa seems to have accepted that by now. Or at least that's why I think her witch-wars with Julia have finally stopped by now."

Lyssa Rushmore was my ex-girlfriend and she and Julia had kept hexing and jinxing each other and playing pranks and jokes until things had gotten out of hand and the teachers had stepped in. Gladly, Lyssa seemed to have accepted the fact that we were no longer an item. But that didn't mean I was romantically interested in Julia. Julia was fun to hang out with, but so was Jessie. But neither was girlfriend material, at least not in my book. Besides, Julia was a lot like Lyssa, and I wouldn't make that mistake twice.

"Yeah, I ... he likes her, but not in that way", I told Adora. "She's fun but ... well, I think she's too much like Lyssa."

It still hurt to think about Lyssa, although the breakup had been last year. But breakups were never easy to deal with. I still could see the hurt in Adora’s eyes when someone mentioned Charlie, although they'd parted as friends a few months back.

"Well, he likes girls like Lyssa. He always liked jokers and pranksters and cute giggling girls", she said, shrugging.

Geez. I wasn't that bad, was I? Was that was people said about us? That Fred liked big bad Slytherins and I liked cute little giggeling princesses who loved to play jokes and never took anything serious?

"No, he doesn't!" I insisted. "He loved Lyssa, but other than that, he never had a thing for the giggeling cutie kind of girl."

"That's not what you said before", she reminded me. "You said there's the possibility that he likes Julia. You even said that might be due to the fact that she reminds him of Lyssa!"

What? So Adora and Fred talked about me? I blinked. I certainly hadn't expected that.

"Well, that's bloody nonsense - I mean, I might have been wrong. George's definitely not interested in Julia in any romantic way!" I stated firmely to prevent any possible gossip going around.

Adora thought about it for a minute. "Well, good to know", she said after a while. "I'd hate to see him getting his heart broken again."

Awww, now that was sweet. I remembered that she'd been the one going through all the bad breakup-stuff with me back then, telling me everything would be alright in the end and that I had made the right decision and that Lyssa had to grow up first before entering a real relationship. Lyssa hadn't grown up so far, and although it still hurt, I didn't miss her that much anymore. I also remembered telling Adora stuff like that too - that Charlie was a fool for chosing dragons over her, that everyone was a fool to like Evanna better than Adora (although Evanna was a nice girl who hadn't done anything else expect becoming friends with Charlie and apparently convincing him to follow his dreams) and that one day she'd find a guy who'd appreciate her being worried about him. I mean, who could blame her. After Charlie had gotten his arm nearly burned off by a dragon during his internship, no one in my family was too fond of the idea of him going back to Romania. But then again, it had been his dream since childhood. I guess in the end, to him that had meant more than a girl.

"No more heartbreaks", I said to Adora, smiling.

We had promised that to each other a while back, after we'd realised that it didn't do us any good, meeting up in the room of requirement, crying over Charlie and Lyssa and lost love.

"Yeah, George told me so as well", she said, a smile on her lips. "Although he didn't say anything about no more heartache."

Heartache? Did she like anyone? And did Fred know about it? Apparently they had talked quite a bit. I could help but feel jealous. Fred had Keira who kept complaining about Fred not spending that much time with her. So instead of talking with Adora about heartbreaks and heartache, Fred could actually spend some quality time with his girlfriend. Adora was my friend, too. She could talk to me about that stuff. After all, we'd done so all the time after the Lyssa-and-Charlie-stuff.

"Sooo ... heartache, huh?" I asked, not knowing how to make her spill the secret without revealing that I hadn't got a clue what she was talking about.

"Don't laugh about it!" she snapped. "It's silly, really. And it's not like it's ever gonna work. And who knows, it's probably just a silly crush. Stupid me. Really, I should take a break from you Weasleys."

Whatever she wanted to do that for I didn't get, so I grabbed her and flung my arms around her. She looked surprised, and I grinned, bringing my face closer to hers.

"Now why would you want to do that, little Miss Head Girl?" I whispered into her ear. "I mean, look at us. We're handsome, we're charming, we're ..."

There was a bang and then Keira, Fred's girlfriend, stormed out of the library, glaring at us, then running past us.

"Fred! You idiot!"

Adora stepped back immediately, shrugging my hands off her.

"Why did you do that!? Why do you always have to fool around like that? Now my best friend thinks she just saw us hugging and god knows what else!"

I blinked, staring after Keira, then reminding myself again that I wore Fred's bloody sweater.

"Errr, I didn't mean to ..."

"Of course you didn't, but just imagine what this looked like just now! You know how Keira is! She might think I'm interested in you or you're interested in me or ..."

"Well, I'm not, I mean, Fred's not, I ..."

Crap. Fred would kill me for that. Things had been going good between him and Keira these days. And now apparently I ruined it.

She didn't even listen to me. "Really, Fred, you know better than that. Besides, you also know about my silly crush on George, so why ..."

I stared at her. She stared at me. I blinked. So did she. Then, realisation dawned. Her cheeks turned bright red. Meanwhile, all I could do was stare. What did she just say?

"Did you just say "Fred's not" ...!?" she shouted at me, looking ready to hit me in the face.

"Errr ... kinda", I managed to get out, carefully stepping back. When she was like that, it was better to not get in her way.

"George!!!!"

"Ummm ... yeah, that would be me. Had to borrow Fred's sweater this morning. Kinda ruined mine." I didn't really know what to say, so I just kept talking about some random shit. "Besides, your instincts are pretty good. Don't let yourself get fooled by a sweater next time around. I mean ..."

"I - really - really - hate - you - right - now!!" she shouted at me, her cheeks still bright red. And with that, she shoved me out of the way and ran off, taking the same direction Keira had just one minute ago.

I let myself fall against the wall, staring after her.

"No, we both know you don't!" I suddenly called after her, but I wasn't sure she'd heard.

But me, I was smiling now. So, little Miss Head Girl had a crush on me ... niiiice. Grinning, I started to imagine the possibilities. Hmmm. This could actually lead to something interesting ...

But for now, I had to go find my twin and tell him to go find his girlfriend - fast.

DOTW 17 - Start

Running through the hospital carpark, Levi's heart was pounding loud enough that he could hear it. A fine layer of sweat covered him, his sweats and hoodie dishevelled from having been slept in. Mike had called. They were friends, but for him to call... well, it was rare. Levi nearly didn't answer, not when Hanji hadn't talked him since dropping Eren's photos off. The cursed photos that had spent him spiralling further. He was on leave from work, due to assaulting an alpha who'd decided to lay into their mate. The pale brunette didn't particularly look like Eren, yet, he hadn't been able to stop himself from decking the alpha. The piece of shit even had the audacity to claim the omega had deserved it. Spinning the truth, Erwin had claimed it was in self defence, managing to barely save Levi's job. Not that any of that mattered now. Olou buzzed him straight through, and into the emergency department. All it had taken had been one look. One clear look that said he was fully prepared to kick down the security door if he wasn't. After hours, days and weeks... Eren had finally turned up again... though this wasn't how Levi wanted them to reunite. Catching sight of Hanji and Moblit, he jogged over to them. Hanji rising from the chair she was slumped in, to throw her arms around him "Levi..." "What happened?" Mike hadn't given him any details, only telling him Eren had been brought in by Eld and Gunther "P-Petra got the call... God... Levi... it's bad..." How bad was bad? He didn't care who got the fucking call. He wanted to know where Eren was, and what condition he was in. Placing his hand on his shoulder, Moblit shook his head "We don't know anything. Mike told us to wait here while Eren was taken through for x-rays" That explained where he was, but not how he was "Where are Gunther and Eld? They have to know what's going on" "They're being questioned by the police" So now the police wanted to help? Where was that help... no... they were only doing their jobs within the limitations of the law. Getting mad wouldn't help anyone... "I don't know what I'll do if he isn't ok!" "Shhh. Eren's a strong kid... so we need to be strong for him" The words coming out his mouth didn't match the emotions coursing through him. If Zeke had dared to hurt Eren physically after years of mental and emotional abuse, he was going to fucking gut him "What if it's really... what if he... will he even want to see us?" "He was in a fragile mental state before he went missing. If he lashes out, we need to be prepared to accept the abuse. He's going to be confused and scared" "I... this is all my fault" Levi sighed. He didn't need Hanji's emotional baggage on top of his own. Sensing the end of his patience, Moblit gently pried Hanji from him "This is not your fault" "He ran away" "Yes. But you didn't make him run and you didn't hurt him. You've gone above and beyond to do everything you think was right for him. Here, sit back down. We don't know how long it will be until he's moved back" They weren't supposed to be waiting back here, but no one was going to tell them otherwise. All the staff understood that Eren was like a son to Hanji, and the fierce glare on Levi's face only served to remind them to keep their mouths shut. It was the better part of three shitty hours later that Eren was wheeled back into the Intensive Care section that backed onto the Emergency Department. Mike coming to personally retrieve them and guide them to Eren's room. Under the bright lights of the room, Eren's pale form seemed to blend in with the crisp white bedding. Levi's whole body shook with anger. He could smell Eren's pain. Eren's fear and Eren's blood. Grinding his teeth together, his hands clenched into fists "What the fuck happened to him?" Mike sighed softly, the man probably coping an onslaught of Levi's angry pheromones "Emergency services were called after the neighbours noticed a strange scent from the apartment Eren and Zeke were sharing. Upon inspection, Eren was found with a dirty needle hanging out his arm. He was curled up with his head on Zeke's chest. Zeke's body has been taken to the police morgue, but from what Gunther said, he'd say Zeke has been dead at least a week" Hanji gave a horrified gasp, while Levi's stomach flipped. Biter bile rose as he choked out his words "A dirty needle doesn't explain the need for x-rays" Once again, Mike sigh "He has three broken ribs. His ankle had been forcibly dislocated, enough force used to shift the pins and screws. His right wrist is also broken. There's signs he fought, and he fought hard. Aside from that, he has dangerously low blood pressure, the onset of pneumonia and is clearly dehydrated. We've had to place him in a medically induced coma for now, his body just isn't strong enough for all functions to be running. At the moment, we have him on the ventilator to help his lungs, but he's not stable enough for surgery. By the way he was clinging to Zeke, it's more than likely he hadn't moved after his brother died" Levi slumped, Mike grabbing him as knees refused to hold him. Just how much heartbreak did this kid need. Eren had spent a week curled into his brother's corpse... With Moblit's help, he was moved to the one chair in the room, fighting hard against his nausea "There's no signs of sexual trauma or assault, but we've taken swabs in case, as well as bloods. His surgery is scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning, provided his vitals improve. The needle was preserved, and the lab reports will be forwarded to us. Now, I know this isn't pleasant, but I need to know, did Eren take drugs?" Hanji shook her head "No. He didn't even love greasy food. He's a dancer and wanted to keep his body in peak condition. He indulged in a drink once every so often, but never drugs" "And he couldn't have hid the marks?" "No. There were no track marks or scars" "Alright. We've already documented all visible signs of trauma, and he's been sponged down. We're going to keep him under until after the surgery, then let him wake naturally. As we don't know what was in the syringe, there is a chance that he may experience a bad reaction to the sedation. There's also the fact the police are already hounding us to question him. I know I'm not going to be able to kick you out, but at the same time, I can't have you causing trouble for the nursing staff, especially when you're not even supposed to be here, or know anything about Eren's case" In other words he had to keep his temper in check, and let them monitor Eren without the fear of him losing control each time they approached him. Hugging Mike, Hanji sniffled "Thank you. I know you're not supposed to enquire, or reveal so much to us, but thank you..." "If you want to move some chairs in, go ahead, but m..." "Make sure we aren't in the way if he needs to be moved in a hurry. Despite appearances, I know the drill" "We'll be doing everything we can for him" Did Eren even want them to? With what he'd been through, was this the thing that snuffed the light out from behind Eren's eyes? The thing that broke him beyond repair? Fuck. He couldn't even bring himself to look at the kid. He was just too fucking scared he'd look up and find Eren coding "I know you will. I'll monitor his condition, and call if I notice any changes" "I'll be back to check on him in a few hours. You know where everything is" Hanji couldn't stop herself from fussing over him. Adjusting his blankets, smoothing back his hair, before checking the IV lines, on repeat. Moblit had disappeared at some point, though Levi had the feeling that it was to get coffee rather than to escape his wife's obsessive behaviour "His vitals are improving" Hanji's voice seemed to echo in the room, pulling Levi from his mind "That's good" "You should come sit by him" Since his arse had hit the chair, he hadn't moved "No..." "Levi" "No" "But..." "I can't" "What do you mean, you can't?" "I just can't..." "I know things haven't been great for you, but Eren's back now" "I know" "You know? Really, because you won't even look at him" "What do you want from me, Hanji?" "I want you to come and hold his hand" "I can't" "Levi, he's sick. You know as well as I do that he could very well not make it through the night or through surgery. Are you really going to let your stubbornness get in the way" "I can't fucking do it. Ok" "No. It's not ok. If this was you, Eren wouldn't leave your side" "Well good for him! He might have the guts to stand there and stare down at me, but I can't fucking stabs him laying there like that! We have his fucking body back! What happens when he wakes up?! He spent a week laying next to his dead brother? What's to say he even wants to wake up?!" It was a shit thing to say. He felt shitty voicing everyone's thoughts out loud "Then... then we stay by his side. We help him" God. If only it was that easy. Eren was with Zeke for nearly two fucking months. Anything could have happened to him during that time. Absolutely anything. Carrying in a tray of coffees, Moblit placed it down on the edge of Eren's bed, due to the lack of surfaces in the room. With an annoyed sigh, Hanji quickly plucked the tray back up "He's not a fucking table" "I... I know" Taking a coffee from the tray, Moblit carried it over to him "It's tea. I went down to the 24 hour cafe down the road" "Thank you" It was better than that soapy dishwater they called coffee here "I also called Marco, just to let him know Eren's been found. He wanted to come down, but I managed to convince him to wait until Eren was up for visitors" If his maths was right, Marco was now 3 and a half months along. He hadn't seen the omega since before learning of his pregnancy, and probably wouldn't even recognise him if he saw him "He and the baby need the rest" "That's what I said. He said to also let him know if we needed anything. Jean made him quit his job, and he seemed quite lonely" "He and Eren were very close. I hope they'll be able to recover that friendship" Choosing to ignore Hanji, Levi cautiously sipped his tea. The scalding liquid burning the tip of his tongue, in what he supposed was an act of Karma "Marco was very keen to see Eren. I guess it all comes down to Eren's mental state when he wakes. After all he's been through, I don't think he's going to be feeling too friendly, or happy to be awake" Finally! Fucking thank you, Moblit! Even if Hanji was scowling at her husband, it was nice to know he wasn't alone with these thoughts. Eren's vitals were good by the time morning crept into existence. Mike had been back around to check on Eren twice, and to gently lecture them over getting some rest. It wasn't until Eren was taken through to surgery that Levi finally found his feet. He couldn't do anything for the brat now. He could only be left behind as Eren was taken from again. Hanji was supposed to start her shift in another couple hours, while Moblit was off for the day, leaving the pair of them to awkwardly agree that they'd just see each other later. As much as he wanted to stay, he needed to shower and check in with Titan. Eren would be in surgery for a few hours, which also meant he had time to nap before returning. He was damned if he wasn't going to be ready for whatever Eren threw at him when he finally woke. The nap didn't happen. Returning to the hospital, he'd brought the clothes he'd borrowed from Eren with him. This way the omega would have something of his own when he woke. Avoiding Hanji, he headed up to the second floor, where the recovery rooms were located. Explaining he was looking for Eren, and that he was his alpha, his haggard state must have sparked some level of pity as the nurse tending the desk informed him Eren was out of surgery, and that there hadn't been any major complications. If it wasn't for the fact he was gay, he could have kissed her. He'd been sure he'd arrive to find Eren hadn't really been brought in, and that everything that had happened was all some kind of dream. Given he wouldn't be able to see him until he was moved to the ward, he was sent to wait elsewhere. Which happened to be the main lobby of the hospital. He was still sitting there when Erwin walked in, having come straight off his shift by the look of him. Taking the seat next to him, his friend slung his arm around his shoulder "Any news?" "He's out of surgery. Everything went well" "Thank fuck. I wanted to be here last night..." "But you were working. I don't suppose you've heard anything?" "You know how the network works, you always end up hearing something" There were some things you could only talk about when with people who did the job. It wasn't like you intentionally phased people out, but when they weren't out there on the streets and dealing with all the fucked up shit they'd seen, it just didn't translate over. They didn't understand. Besides. Gunther and Eld were both good men. The kind who wouldn't run their mouths off needlessly "Do I want to know?" "It's fairly basic. It's not like the police tell us everything. Zeke was stabbed to death from the look of it. There were too many wound sites to say which one was the final blow. The cops were already there when they arrived. They found drugs and money, but I don't know what's that about, or how true it is. I mean, I don't know Zeke, but Eren never mentioned his brother having anything to do with drugs" "No. Drugs don't seem Zeke's scene at all" "From the smell of it, Eren had been in heat pretty recently. The place was trashed, signs of an obvious struggle. Is Hanji here?" "She's gone straight into her shift. Moblit's off, so he was going to come back later" "Leaving you alone" Levi sighed heavily "I tried going home. Shat, showered and shaved. Even tried sleeping... I couldn't get the thought of him dying out of my head. He had a fucking dirty needle in his arm. Who knows what fucking filthy he might have picked up. Fucking Hanji thinks he's going to wake up be magically fucking better. Like everything is going to be fucking forgiven. I couldn't even hold his hand last night..." "I bet you didn't leave, though" "What good am I to him, when I'm a shitty mess?" "It's no good doing this to yourself" "I told myself I could move on, just as long as I knew he was ok" "We both know that's not true. If you could forget your feelings for Eren this soon, then they were never really there to begin with" "The fucking shit. He did this to me" "He did. And when he wakes up, you can tell him all about it" "I don't need your sarcasm" "I wasn't being sarcastic. I haven't eaten lunch yet. Why don't we get something to eat?" "I doubt I could choke anything down" "This isn't about you. It's about me. And I'm starving" Why the fuck was he friends with Erwin? * With Hanji working, Levi and Erwin were the only two sitting in Eren's room. He'd stirred briefly in recovery, before falling back to sleep. The nurse said he hadn't given any indications of trying to communicate, which Levi really couldn't get angry at him over. The kid had to be exhausted. Now that he knew Eren was on the mend, he had a tight grip on Eren's hand. That and the fact Erwin had corralled him over the visitors chair beside Eren's bed, making it impossible for him to do anything other than stare down at the brat, had nothing to do with it at all. Eren had been showing signs of waking for the past hour, leaving Levi nervous. He didn't know what he was going to say when the kid finally did. He had so much to say, and yet, none of it sounded good enough. He could apologise for the rest of his life and it wouldn't be enough. Feeling Erwin squeezing his shoulder, he looked up to see Eren starting to panic "I'll get a doctor" Nodding, Levi rose to his feet "Eren. It's ok. You're ok. You're safe. I know you're scared and confused, but don't fight the breathing tube. Ok" Scared green eyes stared up at him miserably, Levi's own eyes welling with tears in response "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry we fought. Fuck, Eren. I'm just so fucking sorry" He wanted to take the distressed omega into his hold. He wanted to nuzzle into Eren's warmth and hold him close... instead he was pulled away from him as Erwin arrived back with help. With Eren's heart rate soaring sky high, the pair of them were asked to leave. Levi feeling every single second of his age as he dragged his feet. Eren was so fucking scared... scared of him. His words probably hadn't even reached him. They were only in the corridor for a matter of minutes before they were informed that he'd fallen back to sleep. Doctor talk for the brat had panicked so hard he'd passed out. Allowed back inside, this time Levi kept his distance, while Erwin awkwardly stood in the corner of the room. Where the fuck did they go from here? How did he bring the gorgeous and curious omega back to himself? He could barely face reality as it was, so how did he care for someone who's whole world had fallen into pieces all over again? "Levi?" "Erwin" "He'll be ok" "I don't know. He's going to need a lot of help to ever be ok again" "Help we can get him" "Can we? He was terrified" "Because he woke up with a tube down his throat. You know how disorienting it can be coming out of surgery, let alone to find you've got something shoved down your throat and can't dislodge it" "No. There was something more there..." "I think you're reading too far into it" "I don't. He was scared. He was fucking scared of me. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do" "I don't know about that" "Then what? You think I have some magical cure?" "Not a magical cure, per say. I think you have a bond with him. Out of all of us, you two are the closest" "It was me who drove him to run away" "No. It was Zeke. This. All of this. It's Zeke's fault" "Then why did he look so scared?" Driving the heels of his palms into eyes hard enough for red to bloom across the black, he shook his head "I should go. Being here is only going to upset him" "He's going to be more upset that you're not" "No. He's going to... he... fuck..." "Look. Why don't you get some sleep? You can take the chair. Take a nap and wait until he wakes again" "Until he wakes again, panics so badly he passes out, and the whole process repeats?" "It won't be that bad" "You say all of this... but you don't know" "Know what?" "I don't know..." Erwin snorted "It sounds to me like a nap is just what you need. I'll wake you if anything happens" "Wake me if Hanji comes. She doesn't want me around" Erwin's tone softened "Levi, you know that's not true" "It is. I've fucked everything up. I can't keep fighting with her. Not over Eren. Not when he wouldn't want it, and not with his history. He's seen more than enough anger and violence. Even if it isn't directed at him, he will still blame himself, and that... I can't live with that" Erwin took a deep breath, before exhaling slowly "I'll wake you" Feeling like a small child, Levi mumbled "Thank you" As promised, Erwin woke him when Hanji came off her shift. The woman looked completely wrecked, and it was now that Moblit also came to join them. Sitting by his bed, Hanji had hold of Eren's right hand "His chart said he woke briefly?" "Only for a few moments. He tried to fight the breathing tube, before falling back to sleep" "My poor sweetheart. Breathing tubes are horrible, but they're necessary. We're going to get you all better Eren" "Levi was the one who stayed with him when he woke" Erwin had no reason for saying that. None what so ever "He did? How was he? Did he recognise you?" He didn't want to fight, but Hanji really had her "mum" glasses on here. Whenever it came to Eren, her profession training seemed to crumble and it was almost like she'd never dealt with a patient before "He was fucking terrified" "A breathing tube will do that" "It wasn't the tube. I saw it in his eyes. He didn't want to be awake" "I wouldn't want to wake up to your ugly mug either" Erwin glanced his way, Levi shaking his head "Hanji, I know you love Eren. We all do. But you need to be prepared to accept he may not want to know us, or he may be simply too scared to let us back in. We all love you for your enthusiasm, and your special kind of crazy. It's just... none of us want to see you hurting if Eren freaks out because of his fear" "I... I know" "Do you? He may need professional help. The kind of help we can't give him. Are you prepared for that?" "What's the alternative? I fucking abandon him?" "No one is saying that" "No matter how scared he is, we'll find a way to work through it" It would be nice if life really worked like that. Eren had had a boatload of issues before they'd even met. Now the last of his family was dead, probably murdered right in front of him. Zeke's power over Eren had been so strong because the omega truly viewed him as his saviour, and now Eren had lost that. He'd lost his home and family all over again. If Zeke wasn't dead, Levi would have tracked him down himself... well, he would have kept trying to, as he'd never stopped looking for Eren and Zeke in the first place.