turns out I shouldn't have put one specific black shirt in with my new pink fabrics while washing them. there's stains on them -_- it's not *too* bad on the gingham and I'm hoping I can work around the one big stain on that one, but the other pink fabric I wanted to use for the sleeve cuffs and the collar is basically useless.

𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 (𝟒)

part three

note - i wanna thank everyone for reading once again! i'm currently in the process of writing imagines, those will be posted throughout the week, i don't want to clog up my blog bc i want y'all to see this chapter!

this one switches pov a lil more frequently, so bear with me <3 also not as smutty as other chapters, this is more of an emotionally-charged chapter!!! still a teensy bit smutty thooo. i want to make it clear that while this fic is definitely rooted in smut & sex & sex work, it is not porn without plot & will not ONLY be smut as i put effort and time into plot development / character development! i'm sure y'all know that tho. there will be conflict, there will be plot!!! i feel like that's clear already but there's discourse on smut happening rn and i wanna voice myself! omg anyways luv y'all enjoy the reaaad <3

new taglist!

playlist

word count - 8.3k

warnings - age gap, sex work, smut, vibrator, ANGSTYYY like hella dramatic, dirty talk

That slight shift that you and Steve both felt, that happiness that you realized came from talking to one another, only lasted so long... for you. You could hardly sit in your feelings about your situation with Steve before another thing that occupied all your time came crashing down upon you. Except this time, the thing brought you no such happiness or curiosity.

    You had spent almost your entire senior year working on a special lab project about drought tolerant plants in Southern California where you lived and went to school, and your professor was making completing your project incredibly hard for you. And you felt incredibly stressed out about the entire situation - not only was the project necessary to graduate, but it was your heart and soul for the past year. Now, your professor was basically saying it was "ineligible."

     "Ineligible?" Aaliyah repeated after you, after you told her what your professor had said.

     "Whatever the hell that means," you huffed as you power walked down the street, hand in hand with Aaliyah, your free hand holding a coffee.

     "That's so fucking annoying, holy shit," Aaliyah pressed a hand to her forehead. "He had the whole year to talk to you about changing your topic and...”

     "And he never did," you sighed, frowning. You settled down onto a bench where the two of you sat next to each other, staring out into the busy streets and sipping your iced coffees.

California was a beautiful place, and you were a native, you'd lived there all your life. You knew the ins and outs of your city, knew Southern California like it was your backbone. And you loved it here - loved the sun, the beaches, the way the people were either shady in the best way or incredibly friendly. You'd never really known any other place like you knew this place. You were just glad that if you had to be stressed, you could do so in California.

Aaliyah pouted, feeling for you. She placed her hand on your knee to be comforting,

     "Babe..."

     "It's okay," you sighed. You sucked it up, like always, because you had learned how to fend for yourself ever since you realized that depending on others could only lead to downfall. You would figure this out the same way you figured everything else out... on your own. You figured out your house on your own, your job, your finances.

     "Is it, though?" Aaliyah pursed her lips and squinted at you. Despite how much you tried to fend for yourself, Aaliyah was always there for you. She was one of your biggest supporters.

     "I'll just keep visiting during his office hours and work this out."

Aaliyah rolled her eyes,

     "Men are so annoying, girl. You know what, he probably wants to fuck you. With your fine ass. That's why he's doing all this."

You chuckled, shaking your head and covering your mouth, trilling back in response,

       "Okay girl, don't get too ahead of yourself."

       "I'm serious! Men are evil. Oh, except your fave."

You made a face, nearly choking on your iced coffee. This was news to you,

       "Who are we talking about?"

       "You know," Aaliyah sang slightly, nudging you and leaning against your shoulder. "Mr. Won't Show His Face."

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, but bit down on your straw with a knowing smile, eyes peeking out over the top of your shades. If you were being honest, this idea of Steve, whoever he really was, had been a fun thing to entertain during this period of stress. You'd been talking and engaging with him for two and a half weeks now, and the connection you two had was undeniable.

But you knew better - maybe he wasn't just another customer, because you could really talk to him and felt like he was real - then again, he was strictly a customer. You liked him, a lot, but you couldn't like him any more than you already did. That would be dangerous and silly, and create unrealistic expectations. It wasn't like you could go on dates or anything.

    Still, talking to him (and performing for him) did help to distract you from your stress, at least for a small amount of time. Steve was becoming less shy, less inhibited. He cracked jokes and was starting to keep up with your innate sense of sexuality, starting to navigate you, find you the way a bee might find its nectar, hidden deep inside the curvatures of a flower.

If you were a flower, you'd probably be a sunflower - bright, yellow, almost always in a positive mood, or at least trying to keep yourself in a positive mood. More than that though, sunflowers were tall and looming - you felt like that represented your put togetherness and how hard you worked, how smart you were. Only sometimes it was hard to keep yourself up and tall, but you always did it, time and time again.

But when it came to Aaliyah's comments about Steve, she mostly just made you laugh.

    "Haven't seen him yet, have you?" Aaliyah asked, raising her brows expectantly.

     "No. And I'm fine with that. He's simply another very loyal customer who I happen to like."

     "Hm," Aaliyah hummed, and you could tell her mind was up to something - some very wishful, and mischievous thinking.

     "What are you up to?" you narrowed your eyes at her and glared at her, and she just shook her head with a lazy smile,

     "Nothing. Just thinking that maybe it would be cool if he really was this really hot guy that you actually knew and he wasn't creepy and y'all... you know... started dating. Just to get your mind off a lot of crap. I know, I know, strictly against the rules, blah blah blah. No feelings for customers, it's basic shit. But in a perfect world..."

      "I know," you sighed without thinking, sipping at your drink.

     "You know?" Aaliyah questioned, surprised.

You shrugged,

     "So I've thought about it. Except, you know, in a perfect world, I'd meet a guy like Steve in like, a farmer's market or something. Not on my shady ass cam shows."

Aaliyah snorted laughing, and at the sound of her laughter, you joined in.

You continued,

     "I mean, not Steve exactly, because that would be weird. I just mean, a guy like Steve."

     "You mean a guy who makes you feel the same way he makes you feel," Aaliyah corrected you, and you glared at her again, pushing her gently.

     "Don't push it," you teased, but you meant it - you might have liked Steve, but that was all there was to it - you liked him, he was a distraction. And maybe even that was too much.

✺ ✺ ✺

As for Steve, he thoroughly enjoyed his time with you. He thought constantly about how you made him feel, how much he looked forward to talking to you. How everyday, his worry about your situation becoming more serious dissipated slowly. He could feel himself easing into you, everything that made up this character you created called Moonrose. Conversation seemed casual, like you knew each other in real life, it felt easy, and there was no pressure.

As for your connection, he had finally acknowledged that it was real, and more than either of you had wanted to realize at first. But now, there was no shame, no worry in acknowledging what the two of you had, because you were both smart enough to keep it at this level. It was like a shallow pool. There would be no drowning.

He mostly talked to Bucky about you when it came to the emotional aspect of it. He still feared that if he talked to Tony, it might come across as an issue, and might put a pause on what he had with you. But everyone noticed how different Steve was acting. Even without the phase he had gone through where he was sexually frustrated and angry, he still acted different.

Lighter on his feet, more smiley. And he was always on top of his work. You weren't distracting him from his duty, so that made the fact that he knew you had a unique connection with him more bearable. Because of you, he was learning to worry less. To have a little more fun.

    It was a bright day that week, the sun filtering in through the large windows of the meeting room where everyone was gathered. Steve was engaging in some mindless conversation with Sam and Bucky in which they were debating whether or not pineapple belonged on pizza.

     "No. I'm not sure why everyone keeps trying to put all these twists on pizza. It's pizza," Bucky scoffed, Sam rolling his eyes as a result.

    "You're just closed off. With your old ass," Sam retorted, and Steve made a face. Sam raised his hands up in surrender. "You know what I mean. What about you Steve?"

Honestly, Steve had never even tried pineapple on pizza and he didn't understand why there was such a big fuss about the banal question.

    "I don't really have an opinion," he shrugged, not expecting Sam and Bucky to start clamoring over him and trying to force him to pick a side.

    Before he even got to grasp the situation, he felt Natasha patting his shoulder,

"Hey, mind if I use your laptop? Mine's gone haywire, don't really feel like messing with it right now."

"Yeah," Steve agreed without a second thought, setting his laptop on the table and letting Natasha handle it- she was better with tech stuff than he ever was.

Natasha would use his laptop to showcase some data and start off their morning. It seemed innocent enough —a simple, barely impacting sacrifice. But Steve clearly hadn't thought everything through, because the moment Natasha logged in and hooked up Steve's computer to the holographic projector, more than just data appeared on the screen.

In fact, a whole array of women, all of them engaging in various sexual acts or preparing themselves to, showed up on the screen. And at the top, where the browser was, were the words "girlsonfilm.com."

Steve hadn't noticed all the clamor, too busy thinking (thoughts of you and thoughts of work), until Bucky called it to his attention.

"Steve," he nudged him frantically, his voice a loud whisper.

When Steve looked up at the screen, his face couldn't have gone any redder. He hadn't thought about this at all, and he had clearly forgotten to close out his browser. His heart sunk all the way to his stomach - because it wasn't just Natasha seeing this, it was everybody. And that included Tony, who was glaring pointedly at Steve from the head of the table. Meanwhile, all the others were too busy heckling Natasha and making brash comments about what was appearing onscreen. To Steve's relief, your face didn't show up, but this just might have been worse than only your screen appearing.

     "Woah, Nat, I didn't know you got down like that!" Sam hooted, cupping his mouth with his hands.

Natasha, though she was in shock as well, rolled her eyes,

     "This is Steve's laptop."

Now a hush, then another clamor of confusion and heckling, all directed towards Steve. He couldn't recoil any more, feeling the pangs of embarrassment as his eyes flashed between every one of his teammates. He felt as if there were an asteroid approaching fast, and he was right where it would land, too slow to move out of its way.

     "Steve, what do you know about 'girls on film'?" Sam nearly cackled, reading the name of the site.

Steve sighed deeply, locking eyes with Natasha as he mouthed "turn it off" to her.

     "I am, I am," she ensured him, quickly disconnecting the laptop from the projection, unplugging completely.

A beat passed, everyone staring expectantly at Steve, who was staring down at the table, trying to process his own thoughts. Like for starters, why didn't he log out the last time, and why didn't he remember to log out? And then his mind went to deeper places. He hadn't been intentionally secretive with his actions, but he had been intentionally private. It had to do with his own growth, he was learning how to navigate a world that was new to him and somehow helping him at once. He didn't want to have to share this with everyone, it was nice having this to himself, he had no intentions of revealing what he had been doing in his past time that made him so happy.

One of the reasons he didn't want everyone to know about his situation was because he didn't want to have to be concerned with what everyone else might think. Because to begin with, being on a site for cam shows wasn't exactly everyone's idea of what Captain America might be up to these days.

It was a matter of his image, what values he was supposed to hold. This didn't exactly match, and Steve had just gotten over the idea that he was a bad, sneaky person because of what he chose to indulge in. At least here he knew it was ethical and not causing harm to you as a human being.

He also didn't want to have to deal with the insufferable questioning and teasing his team would put him through, or the judgment he thought they might put him through. He felt embarrassed, exposed, and like he had been ill prepared for a situation like this. He was just grateful they hadn't seen more, because that would've been a disaster. What they had seen was only at the surface level of what he'd been doing.

But his thinking was interrupted by Tony's voice, which broke through all the silence, and made Steve realize again the eyes that were on him.

     "Well, jig's up," Tony sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Care to explain?"

Steve locked eyes with Tony, as if hopeful that he wouldn't have to, but he knew it was best for him to just spit it out. Tony shrugged apologetically, and Steve took in a deep sigh, looking around at everyone at the table.

     "What was that?" Scott whimpered, probably the most distraught by what they had all seen.

Steve nodded solemnly and began to explain himself. He would tell the truth, but that didn't mean he had to tell them everything. You would be left out of this, if anything. He'd just explain to them that sometimes, duty calls - and sometimes, it's not at all work-related.

✺ ✺ ✺

It was just hours before your cam show when another disaster struck, the first one being the fact that your professor was giving you shit about your project. You were in the bathroom, getting ready for your show, fixing your hair up and doing your makeup, laying out an outfit, doing all the things you did to feel pretty before a show.

    Your phone lay beside you on the bathroom table, pinging with messages every now and then. You ignored it, leaning closer into the mirror to get a look at your lipstick, dabbing your fingers into the pigment on your lips.

You smiled, feeling that gratifying sense of achievement. Despite what was going on with your professor, you felt like you were doing well in life. You usually had a positive mindset, enjoyed your work although you sometimes felt as if you were buried deep in all your occupations: student, office worker, cam girl, designer, young woman. Your life was never dull, and you wouldn't trade it for anything. Talking to Steve helped too, but it was more than that.

But that sense of satisfaction all seemed to dissolve when you looked down at your phone, and saw a text from an unsaved number, glaring bright on your glowing lock screen of you hiking with Aaliyah. Still, you recognized it immediately.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

I miss you. Text me back.

✺ ✺ ✺

Steve wasn't exactly keen on joining your live show today, but he did so anyway, because he still had time to himself despite the spiral of events that had happened earlier. There was nothing else to do, and he didn't want to miss out on you after attending almost all of your shows for the past almost three weeks. Didn't want to just leave unexpectedly.

It felt strange that he felt this tug of commitment, but he brushed it off. He was just fulfilling his needs, which should even be expected of him. He was stressed again, after being caught up like he was. And maybe that was all the more reason not to watch your show tonight, but he wouldn't devoid himself of the simple pleasures of life. He'd learned that lesson a while ago, from a special someone called Moonrose.

After everything transpired, he explained himself calmly to his team, slowly to ensure that they'd understand that this wasn't the beginning of a deviant phase, that he wasn't throwing away his work responsibilities to lurk on the NSFW side of the internet. Not that they ever thought that to begin with, they never questioned his abilities or his authority for a minute, not even in the midst of what they'd seen that had shocked them.

This was the product of Steve's own insecurities and his admittedly silly fear that he was somehow letting his team down. He told them that he was on the site, as recommended by Tony, to relieve some "frustration" that he felt he didn't have the time or the means to release in real life. He said that while it had helped him do that, he wasn't throwing away his responsibilities, nor was he dependent on the site or the things on it, or the people on it for that matter.

He knew that if they knew about you, all those private sessions, all those conversations you'd had, the connection you had built between the two of you, it might be a different story. But because they didn't, they appreciated his honesty. They were confused, it didn't seem like the kind of thing Steve would be into, and he ensured them that it was a shock to him as well.

But they didn't mind on the whole, it was just a shock to everyone at first. They didn't think it called for a meeting, thought it was almost humorous how serious Steve was being about such a trivial situation. Wanda had joked about how we've all been there, Thor denied ever having to do such a thing because: "I have all the romantic partners anyone could ask for. I could introduce you Steve, but these Asgardian women are fiery, far beyond anything I believe you could handle." In the end, Steve was relieved, felt like it didn't have the disastrous outcome he'd been expected.

But he could feel his guard slowly coming back up. That was a close call, and it was a little too close for comfort. He didn't want to disregard you, but he couldn't afford to sink further in, and get his team involved. He just didn't want to face the consequences he could imagine if they knew how much he decided to stick with you, how much you talked, how it was teetering off the range of normal customer to cam girl interaction.

It wasn't like he was careless when it came to his interactions with you, but he also didn't want his team to know about his business when it came to you. He didn't want them thinking he was engaging too much, didn't want it to get to the point where he was worrying again or felt like he needed to deny himself such wonderful feelings.

All these things were on his mind while he waited for your live show to start. When it did, and he saw your face, he felt a little bit alleviated. Just for now, he could have this fantasy to himself. If they knew about the site, so be it. At least he had you to himself.

      "Hey guys," you mustered a smile, waving to the camera.

Unbeknownst to your viewers, you had spent the past few hours off camera panicking, on the verge of tears, calling Aaliyah frantically so she could help calm you down. That text from that mysterious unknown number had been from your ex's number. The same ex who made you fall into dependency patterns that you worked so hard to get out of, the one who made you feel like you had to work for his love. Like it wasn't something you deserved, just like anyone else.

You had worked so hard to finally wring out all the effects of him, all the bad habits you had fallen into because of him. That was part of the reason why you worked so hard. Not because you were actively avoiding him specifically, but because you were actively bettering yourself. You weren't looking for a relationship. But you knew that if you were in one now, the same things would never happen to you.

When you got that text, it triggered a flood of memories. Feelings you had to work to suppress and actually get over for months so you wouldn't fall back into the same desperate, needy patterns when it came to your relationships with people. All over a simple text from someone you hadn't heard from in almost a year. It hurt you how easy it was to get you to crack, even if you didn't spill out all the way. But on top of the added stress because of school, you were damn close.

You would do the show tonight, anyway. It helped you to escape, although Moonrose was a part of you, it didn't one hundred translate into real life. So in a way, this helped you escape real life. Just for a while. Just like Steve.

You grinned when you saw concerned comments from your watchers:

johnGuy182

Are you okay, moonrose? You seem a little sad.

zenongirl

Girl r u ok? i missed seeing your face!!!

     "Guys, I'm okay," you grinned. And you actually felt better seeing comments from your supporters. It reminded you to cheer up - they were looking for a good show, not a sob story. You leaned back, revealing your stomach in the sheer, sparkly fringed bra you chose to wear (another piece you had designed by yourself). "It's been a looong day."

Steve watched silently, observing your behavior. He didn't notice drastic changes, but you did appear less chipper. Then again, he brushed it off. He didn't expect you to be smiley all the time, you were human too, and this was your work.

"But I'm okay," you reassured, giving that signature grin, genuine and charming and alluring. You were trying to gently distract yourself, get into your act. "I hope you're all just as lovely as I am. I have a special game for you today."

You directed your viewers to your spinning wheel, which you had been working on crafting that week for a game. You grinned as you spinned it. Each act on the wheel cost a certain amount of tokens, and by the end of the game you would garner a bunch of funds. The show went by relatively quickly as you played the game, eventually ending up completely naked.

As ordered by the spinning wheel, you were to use a vibrator. You held it against your clit at the highest setting as you watched the numbers of viewers and the tokens jump up, Steve watching as he stroked himself leisurely. Your legs shook as you restrained yourself from your orgasm so as to increase the length of your showtime, garner more coins to encourage you to come.

     "Mm," you moaned, massaging the vibrator against your clit, getting wetter and slicker by the minute, sliding the toy between your folds. You laughed, breathless. "Fuck, this thing is so powerful. Someone make me come, please make me come. Just a few more tokens for me to come for you."

Steve was hesitant, but he decided to go ahead and give you the amount of tokens you needed. And when you heard the chime of the tokens being added to your account, and saw the name it was attached to, it was like a blast of euphoria. When your legs started to shake, when you started to moan and your stomach started to rise up and down, it was genuine. It was like you were back in a private room with him, although you weren't.

Your orgasm was blood-curdling in the best way, and you felt like you were releasing part of the stress of the past day, the past week. It didn't get any realer than this, once again you felt like he was really there to satisfy you.

      "Oh!" you exclaimed, your mouth dropping open and your blood flowing, moaning. "Yes, Steve, I'm coming for you. Thank you for making me come, Steve!"

Steve had been stroking himself along with you as he watched, and only let himself come now that you had come, his cheeks heating up as he heard you moan his name, something he hadn't been expected. Something about you saying his name like that where everyone could hear, even though he enjoyed the intimacy of private rooms, felt victorious. It felt lewd, salacious, but he couldn't help but enjoy that aspect of it. He moaned through grit teeth while he came, stroking himself to completion.

You came down, thanking everyone for attending and ending the show. But it wasn't long after that you had requested Steve for a private chat. He accepted, because he had gotten used to you doing this a little more frequently. It didn't scare him any more, he just thought of it as making conversation, taking advantage of this connection you had with each other. So when you requested, who was he to say no.

When the chat log opened, you put on your best happy face for Steve, trying to conceal how fatigued this week, today in particular, had made you. But your tired, bleak voice gave it all away, buried deep beneath your smile,

    "Hey, Steve."

Steve was surprised at the sound of your voice. Again, while he understood that you wouldn't be a happy go lucky fairy like personality all the time, he wasn't expecting this. You were smiling, but the weariness in your eyes was hard to miss. And your voice, which usually told light hearted tales, sounded worn down as if from tragedy. He was concerned, his eyebrows furrowed gently,

     "Hi. How are you?"

     "I'm good!" you exclaimed, trying your hardest to really sound "good."

But you were just tired. Tired and sad, and scared - scared of what the future had to hold. You were already dealing with school stress, and the text from your ex-boyfriend was like a bad omen, an anxiety-provoking assurance that things actually would not get better and they would in fact get progressively worse. You weren't even sure why you thought you should be talking to Steve if you were tired and just wanted to sleep off the weight of the week. It would be a weekend tomorrow, and one of your very rare days off.

Maybe you figured that you wanted to talk to him despite your fatigue, because conversation with Steve was a nice distraction. You had let yourself forget that this was still your job, and that you were too tired for anything sexual — you knew he liked talking to you, but you hadn't put into consideration the fact that he might request a sexual act from you. You would be burnt out if he did. The fact that you didn't think about that should've been telling, but your brain was too scattered to think straight.

Anyway, Steve called your bluff, and laughed quietly, his voice inquiring and pressing,

      "How are you really?"

That was all it took to get a deep sigh to come from out of you, all it took to allow yourself to show your true feelings, at least the surface of them, what you felt comfortable showing a customer. You felt a sense of relief and gratefulness for Steve, like he was letting you breathe. And if anything, he especially wasn't enlisted to listen to your problems. But he wanted to, and for that you felt foolishly grateful.

    Steve noted the deep sigh that came from out of you, and he frowned slightly. He could tell you had been holding this in for a while, and some part of him felt remorse for the fact that even though you clearly weren't in the right mindset, you went on and did your show anyway. He felt some guilt for being a part of the reason why you did your show.

    You answered, allowing your voice to be as honest as possible.

    "Honestly?" you chuckled a little, albeit bitterly. "I don't know if you really want to hear me rant to you."

Steve shook his head.

    "Don't be silly," he grinned. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to."

You felt a warm rush in your chest from the reassurance, and the corner of your lip quirked up in a small smile, before you decided to dive in. You'd spare the emotional details, spare your private life. But it would be nice to talk to someone, just about the general things, right?

    "Well, it's been a pretty stressful week, honestly. I mean, school's been the main source of my stress. My professor's such an asshole, he's basically been telling me my entire senior project, which I need to complete to graduate, needs to be redone? And I can't even fathom how I would have enough time to do that with like, two and a half months left of my senior year. I mean, he said I can keep most details, but I'd have to rework it, whatever that means."

    You kept your emotions at bay, sighing in annoyance just at the story you told, because it really was irritating you. But then you felt deeper things, even more went into why you really were upset.

    Steve nodded, just listening. He was prepared to offer advice, but in your situation, he thought that maybe just letting you rant would be best.

    "That's gotta be annoying," he shook his head understandingly. "Whatever your project is, I'm sure it's wonderful. He shouldn't be forcing you to rework it or make any last minute changes."

    "I know!" you nearly jumped up, feeling amped up now. "And it's just so fucking annoying because I work so hard and I'm really passionate about this project and it just feels like..."

    It felt like you were about to overflow, like a pot of water that had been left on for too long. You were ranting almost uncontrollably now, maybe because of the fact that it was more than this that was tugging at you. Because you'd been carrying the weight of your life on your shoulders all the time, like Atlas carrying the sky, and it felt like that weight was finally starting to mean something.

    Steve could see you were unraveling and he let you, he let you take the time you needed to feel everything you had been holding. If your connection was strong, it was at its strongest here. Sure, you and Steve chatted about a little bit of everything, even had deeper conversations here and there as the weeks went by. But you had yet to genuinely complain to him, because every time you spoke with him, you were happy go lucky Moonrose, with nothing to complain about to begin with. But now, you needed a release by any means, and you were just glad Steve was there for you, even if he wasn't really there. How unlike you to unfold in front of strangers.

   Your breath stuttered as you took in a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm down, only further driving yourself into your rambling. You felt yourself tear up, your voice becoming watery as you continued,

    "It just feels like all my work is turning to shit, and it's so fucking frustrating because I work so hard all the time, I do so much and I manage so much all the time."

     The "hard work" you were talking about wasn't just school and work-related, it pertained to your journey, and how hard you had worked to be a better person. To support yourself. The emotions pent up inside of you, they were more than just being upset over a school project. The idea of someone toxic trying to re-enter your life, someone who had forced you to rework the entirety of your life, made you feel like you were on the verge of crashing. You knew better, but you didn't want to return to those dark days, where the light at the end of the winding tunnel that was your relationship seemed so far away. It was why you were so weary of relationships today. It was crazy how one person could change your life so easily.

     Now you were crying, before you even noticed that you were crying. Tears just seemed to leak out of your eyes, sloshing wet and sudden against your cheeks and underneath your lashes. You wiped them away quickly with the back of your hand, frazzled at the fact that you were crying in front of a customer right now. Steve said he'd listen to you, he didn't say he'd watch you cry and be your therapist. You instantly regretted it, although you couldn't stop yourself, tears threatening to emerge again. If you were cracked before, you were spilling now.

    Steve was surprised too, at the fact that you were crying. You appeared so put together to him, it was almost something he didn't expect from you. He was in shock at first, so much so that professionalism was not on his mind - it was an afterthought. Right now, instead of wondering if this was appropriate, he was occupied with you.

    "I'm sorry," you murmured, but you still hadn't stopped, tears falling out as you blinked. Composure was nothing now, you were sobbing, your shoulders slumped and your head hung as you sniffled. Still you enforced control, wiping away every tear that fell with the back of your hand. "I'm really sorry, I don't mean to cry to you over this, that's so-"

Steve cut you off, shaking his head slowly,

    "It's okay to cry, doll. We all have those days. I know better than anyone that we all have those days."

    You mustered a smile, feeling cared for, feeling accounted for by someone who wasn't even obligated to have to see you like this. Still you shook your head, sniffling,

    "I know. But it's-it's stupid, I shouldn't be crying in front of you."

    "I'm not judging you," Steve said, so nonchalantly and firmly, so genuine that it almost scared you.

You blinked. He should've cared, and he should've judged you. To cry in front of Steve, a customer, was to imply he had some duty to comfort you when he probably just wanted a show. You knew that you didn't have to do anything you didn't want to, but even you had rules when it came to what your customers got to see, and to you, that meant they didn't have to deal with your blues.

     "Really?"

     "Really," he reassured you with a nod.

    Was Steve scared that by giving you this reassurance, this entire situation could become deeper than either of you could handle? Yes. But did he let himself shut down because of those pervasive thoughts that he might get himself into trouble? No. He didn't see you as a liability right now. Right now, even though the situation was certainly questionable (and this was something he had no doubt about. When emotions get into the mix, things could get tricky- he knew this), he saw you as someone who desperately needed someone to talk to. Maybe it wasn't smart of you to make him that someone, but regardless, he was, and who was Steve Rogers not to listen to a person in need?

    You blinked away the last of your tears and swallowed hard. You were making this choice consciously, to tell Steve what had really gotten you to your breaking point. And maybe telling him meant you had trust in him, maybe too much trust for someone who, while great, was still a customer. But you felt like there was nothing you could lose from telling him. Maybe you'd even feel better after the fact.

    You looked down, picking at the body glitter on your arm that you had applied before the show. Your voice was considerably quieter now perhaps because you were looking back on the moment with a clear mind for the first time since it happened. You hadn't been thinking straight ever since you received the text just hours ago. Now your brain was a little quieter with the help of your tears and Steve's reassurance.

       "I think that the stress of this school project is making me resent how hard I work for everything, just to be met with this kind of result, you know? And it's even worse when... things seem to be going backwards. You know, like when you make so much progress, moving on from things that don't serve you, and you've finally done it and you get to flourish in it and then, it just gets taken away from you. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but that's just how this feels."

     Steve nodded, his jaw ticking as he let your words settle in. Somehow, although your situation was so different from his, he felt like your words perfectly described how he felt with the world sometimes. It was even part of the reason he'd held off on talking to you like this, held off on getting too involved. He too had made so much progress in this world, which took so much getting adjusted to in a way that absolutely nobody else could relate to.

    It was a world that he didn't even know, a world that he had never been properly introduced to. He'd had to fend for himself. He did his healing on his own, just like you had. And yet sometimes it felt like he had no control, like the universe was going the opposite way of all his plans. Then he felt stupid for even having plans to begin with, because in life, making plans was like comedy for the gods.

    There was a weird feeling in his chest and stomach, like he'd been stabbed with a gutting realization, and the knife was just turning inside of him, churning his insides. He began to feel a sense of unease, because this deep conversation was beginning to feel incredibly personal. Even though you were talking about your own situation, he couldn't help but think about how much he resonated, and the fact that he felt like he could relate to you on such a deep level scared him. This was more than the conversations you'd had before, more than the simple similarities you and Steve shared. This felt like a conversation that might be too telling for his good and your own.

     He swallowed his words as he listened to you continue. You chose your words carefully, but you had shed yourself of your inhibitions when it came to being truthful.

     "Earlier... I heard from someone I hadn't heard from in a long time. And it kind of pushed me over the edge," out of your mouth stumbled a laugh. You were calmer now, and looked up at the camera, Steve swallowing hard when you did so. It was all so real, just like it was when you touched yourself and moaned Steve's name. "I think it just made me feel all those things I just explained. Because I feel like I worked so hard to rid myself of this person and them trying to come back just feels like all the things I worked so hard on are going to unravel. Even though I know they aren't, it feels like a setback. And that was like, the icing on the cake to this already terrible day, I guess."

      You let out a breathy laugh and smiled gently, shaking your head slowly.

     "I normally wouldn't be telling this to a customer. But here we are. Again, I'm sorry... I feel like I shouldn't have said anything? Should I... have said anything?"

In the brief silence that followed your question,  both you and Steve were thinking the same thing - were you going to regret this? Intimacy both physically and emotionally was good when you capped it at what you both knew to be appropriate. When it came to the physical aspects, you each let your fantasies unwind.

    And on the emotional aspect, though you had both grown closer and more open, some things just didn't get touched upon. But now you had just cried over the screen, and spoke from the depths of your heart. It was scary to open up in such an uncertain situation where your own privacy was an aspect that got involved. There was no doubt that it was too much. It was just a question of whether the result would be negative.

     Steve sighed deeply, a crease forming in his forehead as he furrowed his brows together, folding his arms over his chest.

     "I don't know..." he trailed off, took a breath, a leap, his body practically lurching forward. "But... it can't be a bad thing that you feel comfortable talking to me about this, can it?"

      And there it was, that glint of hope he was trying his hardest to conceal. That feeling he got when he got off that call with you, the one where you both started giving into those unspoken thoughts. That this couldn't be so bad, that you could enjoy each other's company without worrying.  

     You smiled gently,

    "I guess. It does feel weird though, it's not something I normally do. It feels like something I shouldn't be doing."

    You could hear Steve breathing in deeply, and for a moment, you imagined what he might look like, envisioning the outline of a troubled face, eyebrows knit together. You snapped back to reality and made a face, confused by your abrupt thoughts. You had long gotten over the very brief desire to see Steve's face- why was it coming back again?

    "I'll be honest, same here," Steve agreed with your sentiments.

    "Do you always feel like you have to restrain what you say when you talk to people? Or is it just with me?" you added that last part in a quiet voice, biting your lip.

Steve chuckled briefly,

      "Are you asking me if I have trust issues? Because I'd tell you, but I'd have to trust you to do that."

You shook your head and laughed at Steve's stupid joke, and shrugged.

     "I could say the same thing, I think. This person I heard from earlier is... I developed those trust issues because of them. Or, my already existent trust issues became worse. But what's funny about it is that this person was once someone that I loved," even as the words were coming out you questioned why you were letting them, why you were allowing yourself to be so truthful in a situation like this at a time when you were so vulnerable.

      Steve didn't reply, again feeling that sick feeling in his stomach that stemmed from his fear. The fear that this conversation were too serious, fear surrounding the fact that he was able to relate so much to such a personal situation of yours.

    You spoke again, daring to ask the question that felt like a final blow to Steve's stomach,

    "Have you ever been in love, Steve?"

Now Steve knew he was in uncharted territory. Not because he feared you might try to exploit him, but because he was so struck by the fact that he had allowed himself to feel so safe with you and get so close to you. He was surprised at himself for letting you feel safe enough to have these kinds of conversations with him. It all felt like a mistake now. He wanted a way out, any way out. He knew if he even attempted to answer that question, he would be making a big mistake. He had shared some of his most intimate moments with you, but always keeping in mind a very sharp line he didn't want to be crossed.

And in his mind, he thought of the one love he'd had, the one love that hadn't been fulfilled because of the situation he had been thrown into, one he had never signed up for. He thought of how the things he cared most for in life had been discarded, how, like you, he felt like it had gone to shit. How sometimes, though he tried his best to be grateful and had taken that journey of self-healing just like you, it all felt like some sick joke.

Could he even call it love? He wasn't sure. And he wasn't going to answer. He wasn't going to answer at all, because he wouldn't be talking to you again. There would be no chance for this dilemma to resurface, not with you, not on this site. He made the decision with haste and a heavy heart - he was done here.

      The discomfort was well evident in his voice, answering loud and clear, though his voice was morose and a bit closed off. You sensed the shift immediately.

     "I... I can't talk about that right now. Listen, I have to go."

    You felt a pang in your chest at the sudden switch in his demeanor, straightening up and trying not to frown. All this time you had been letting the words spill out, telling yourself not to worry so much, reassuring yourself it was okay to make your feelings known. Now it felt like you should've never said anything at all. You started to stammer.

      "Oh, I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry, I was just... I feel like I got a little overwhelmed." You laughed nervously. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Steve felt his throat ran dry as he blinked, feeling emotions come up to surface that he wasn't quite familiar with. Maybe he was grieving in advance, regretting the decision he was making to no longer speak with you, regretting the fact that he was letting fear get in the way of what he wanted so badly to be a good thing.

    "No, I'm sorry. I feel like I let things go too far," Steve apologized, but the apology felt more like an insult.

Was he implying that whatever this was, you couldn't handle it, and that it was his fault for somehow leading you on? You had both made the connection with each other, it was an equal effort. And why was he acting like the two of you communicating at all was somehow below him, somehow a risk? If anything, you were the one risking it just by talking to him the way you did. You were opening up to him. 

     You almost felt betrayed - you had convinced yourself that he wouldn't want to listen to your problems and you told yourself it wasn't his responsibility to listen. And then he listened anyway, told you that he wanted to hear it, and you cried to him. You felt like you had made so many unusual accommodations just for him to scare off like this. He was just another person you had expressed your feelings to, only to regret it in the end.

    "Too far?" you questioned, furrowing your brows.

Steve swallowed. In your voice he could hear a hint of frustration, but even worse- hurt. It pained him more than he cared for you to know.

    "I don't think we should talk anymore," he said instead.

    "What?" you were taken by surprise. "Steve, I'm... I'm not understanding. I... I don't usually open up to people like this, I mean, I thought maybe it was fine here, because I feel like I know you. But you're still a stranger. I understand you're a customer but I thought we were talking, I thought we broke through that wall-"

    "We did. And we shouldn't have," Steve said, his voice so calm and firm that it was almost cold.

    By now you were just staring into the computer camera, as if you were looking at him and waiting for him to come to his senses. But as you did that, you slowly came to your own. Because you weren't looking at him. You were looking at a black screen with his voice behind it. You realized you hadn't known Steve, not enough to talk about these things. And just like him, you too were full of regret. You kept all those walls up for the sake of customer relations, only to put them down and be met with this disastrous result.

    Steve almost couldn't bare to look at your face anymore. You were confused, hurt. He could tell you regretted the fact that you had opened up. He was hurt too, but he wouldn't show it, or let it overcome him to the point where your methods of communication with each other became something neither of you could control. Still, yes, he was hurt.

    But he had been through plenty of hardships in life. What was one more, even if it shouldn't have come to this point anyway?

    "I'm sorry, Moonrose. We can't. Goodbye."

Chat over.

Do you have any sage advice for aspiring romance writers? Like what tropes not to follow or perspectives? (For me, I’m big on the comedy and witty banter route, but I also know that’s not for everyone.)

Most tropes can be used really well and are enjoyable to both write and read, especially ones that prime your readers to expect certain anticipated outcomes. I, for example, am forever weak at the knees for things like “sarcastic assholes are actually big softies with a lot of heart underneath it all” and the forever undying “oh no there’s only one bed, whatever will we do” and I use them myself a fair bit for both comedic and romantic value.

But where a lot of people fall down is when they think the mere presence of the trope is in itself enough to convey chemistry, and it’s really not. If the author has built the chemistry up between the characters well, it can really pack a satisfying punch to have the trope follow through. If however the dynamic falls flat, well, you’re going to have a very lackluster pairing that relies too heavily on the trope to carry it and it just comes across as “eh”. It’s sort of a going through the motions, but not really enjoying it sort of thing.

For instance in the book I am currently reading, it is absolutely supposed to be an enemies to lovers story, but the two are so genuinely mismatched and their character traits so unlikable that their attraction at best feels like a poor life choice in the making, and at worst, just smacks of lazy writing. There’s no spark in their conflict, no reason to even want them to be together, just relentless friction being forced by the plot to make them like each other.

Also? Try to avoid describing people like clothes mannequins. It’s a very common thing I find in people who got their first writing experience from doing RPG type stuff and while it’s good for character building, it should not make it into your final drafting, as it can come across as very juvenile and immersion breaking if you’re just listing every single item of clothing the character is wearing like a laundry list. You can still pick out details to focus on, but you don’t need to describe every last stitch of clothing a person is wearing. (unless your character is extremely detail orientated and tends to notice details all the time, in which case it can be a good way to convey that and let you indulge in a little gratuitous describing) you can say things like “they were dressed for the weather/evening/occasion” which enables you to both convey things like seasonal atmosphere, climate, what sort of social setting they are either in or anticipating, and also what type of person the character might be based on how the express themselves through attire. For instance:

“She had dressed for the weather, and wore a broad brimmed sun hat and a bright yellow dress that made him think of sunflowers. Her dark mane of hair was pulled back into a thick braid that swung tantalizingly over her bronze-sun-kissed shoulder, and he wanted nothing more in that moment to unravel it and run his fingers through those thick tresses.”

What does this convey? That it is summer or at least set in a place with a warm climate. That the person being described likes bright colors and is perhaps disposed toward a sunny personality. That there are things about them that the describer finds physically attractive, but is currently unable to act on whether because they are in a social setting or because they are secretly pining.

or alternatively:

“in defiance of the weather she still persisted in wearing black. Her long sleeves pulled defensively down over her knuckles as she sat hunched on the grass with the others, her cheeks and nose turning ruddy under the intense glare of the afternoon sun, the very picture of misery. It shouldn’t have been as adorable as it was, but the scrunch of her nose and the downward turn of her pout made something flutter deep in the pit of his stomach. He wondered if she’d appreciate an ice cream, or if she’d just tip it over his head.”

What does this convey? That the weather is warm and that the person being described doesn’t appreciate this. That they are in a social setting our outing in a group. That there is some sort of existing tension between the pairing, possibly hostile, possibly masking some sort of attraction they’re in denial over. That at some point they will likely be forced to confront their feelings for each other, and it will likely be explosive but not necessarily volatile. And possibly involving ice cream.

Chemistry building is key to writing good romance, and a goodly amount of time should be spent developing characters as people and not cut out dolls. Find which dynamic works best for them as a pairing first, and then work out which literary tropes fit with that dynamic and how they help get your characters from A to B.

Are they snippy with each other but find out they have something remarkable in common? Does it make them have a grudging respect for each other? Do they admire them? Do they end up sharing a smirk over the table and instantly regret it? Why do they keep coming back to each other if they’re so ill suited, is there some sort of magnetic pull? Secret history? Is their annoyance actually masking real genuine attraction they’re afraid to let themselves feel? Why are they afraid? How do they overcome that? Slowly and haltingly or all at once by plunging head first into something as dangerous and reckless feeling as a kiss?

Or is their attraction genuinely spilling over from the start and they’re just dancing around each other not sure how to proceed because they’re both hopeless. Is it killing everyone in their general vicinity to watch these two (or more) idiots fumbling their way through their own emotions. Do their hands shake? Does their stomach do the swoopy thing whenever the other person smiles or walks into the room? Do they start doing ridiculous things like ordering coffees they hate but the other person likes just so they can imagine the taste of their mouth on their lips? Is it unbearable dragged out delicious slow burn torture? (I have a preference, if you couldn’t tell.)

As for tropes to avoid? Well, that’s up to your own preferences and the kinds of stories you want to both read and write. I personally tend to steer clear of “she was only 16/17/18 but wiser than her years, the Duke  could tell” sort of things, cause it just ignites a whole bunch of personal trauma for me, but thankfully that trope seems to be dying out along with the last of the old romances. Makes my job a lot easier I can tell you.

Either way, just play around with it. Find a dynamic that works well for you. And don’t worry about trying to appeal to everyone.Write the kind of things you would like to read and make you happy to create. I promise you there’s more of a market than you realize.

Best laid (meal) plans

Hi friends. 

I’ll be honest. Sitting down to meal plan was way more stressful than I anticipated.

As I’ve indicated before, I consider myself a pretty capable cook. That said, I’ve never been a follow-the-recipe kinda gal. Instructions are important insofar as oven temperature and cooking times, to make sure the food gets done properly, but I’ve always viewed seasonings and other minor ingredients as mere suggestions. At the same time, however, I’m in a position now where I need to cook plain main dishes so as to avoid the wrath of my children. (Heaven forbid 5yo see an herb in her food. If only she knew that I marinate meat before cooking it.)  

Thus, looking through Whole30 cookbooks for meal ideas proved entirely overwhelming. At first glance, I wanted to plan on making alllll the delicious food, but the more I looked at recipes the more I felt so daunted by the long lists of ingredients and instructions. In addition, inventing a boring/plain version of each dish seems both challenging and counterproductive.

Furthermore, despite my prior insistence that I’m always in the kitchen, I do a lot of dinner-cooking in advance. For example, on Sunday I’ll make enough main dish food for that night as well as Monday and Tuesday, and however many sides (e.g. roasted veggies & quinoa) as I can manage. On Tuesday I make main dishes for Wednesday and Thursday, as well as more sides, and so on. Not cooking from scratch every night is the only way I can actually get the daytime dishes done before dinner, and therefore we don’t have to spend as much time cleaning up the kitchen after putting the kids to bed. Also, by Thursday or Friday we're usually just reheating everything, which is a nice reprieve at the end of the week. 

I had been hoping to follow the Whole30 7-day meal plan for the first week of the program, but looking at it more closely nearly sent me into a panic. While the plan builds in space for leftovers, and following it would mean a pre-set shopping list and therefore less thinking, the above issues made me realize that it’s not feasible in my situation. If I was cooking for myself, I might be able to manage it, but given how many meals I need to make in a week, and the other factors involved in feeding my household, the pre-set plan simply isn’t feasible for me. 

This realization was somewhat liberating, but it created a subsequent panic a la “okay, now I need to plan a whole week of meals from scratch AND make up my own shopping list.” 

After pouting to myself for roughly three minutes, I made a plan and got started. First, I looked through the books and picked out main dish (a.k.a. protein-based) recipes that mimic those I usually make. Then, plotting out four meals per day, I came up with a main dish schedule for the first five days of the program. I had to factor in the best way to cook them in advance and re-use them for multiple meals, while being mindful that I can’t plan to cook meat on Sunday and plan to eat it - safely - on Friday. I also tried to mix things up so that I’m not eating the same protein twice in the same day. 

As for the other parts of the meals, the Whole30 overlords advise filing the rest of your plate with vegetables. This is what I usually do anyway, so for now I’ve decided to eschew any overly ambitious side-dish recipes and simply prepare my usual slew of roasted vegetables to compliment the proteins. And, because I don’t want them to hate me, I’ll also make the kids some noodles or quinoa. 

They also tell you to mix in a side of fruit twice per day (easy enough), and add a healthy fat to each meal. That last part felt strangely intimidating as well because many of the approved fat sources are items I don’t normally have around. Hence, my first grocery store excursion on Thursday was Trader Joe’s, where I picked up some coconut oil, black olives (their brand seems to have less sodium than others), sunflower seeds, and raw cashews. We normally get Costco’s brand of mixed nuts, which are roasted in peanut oil and therefore not compliant. Also, whereas I originally planned to clarify my own butter, I also sprung for a small container of ghee. Lastly, I went down the freezer aisle and grabbed a few packages of frozen chopped spinach and riced cauliflower, just to have in case of a vegetable emergency. 

Next, I made off for the produce market. Seeing that it was Thursday afternoon, I did so realizing that I’ll probably need to go back on Monday or Tuesday to replenish certain items (mainly fruit). Further complicating the issue is that we don’t plan to be home much over the weekend, meaning I needed some veggies to cook for Thursday and Friday dinner, and some to prepare on Sunday for that night and the beginning of the week. 

With those considerations in mind, I filled my cart with our usual haul of grapes, apples, oranges, bananas, pineapples, a cantaloupe, zucchini, and brussels sprouts. I also added in several sweet potatoes, a few beets, a spaghetti squash, an acorn squash (all of which used to be in the rotation but got away from me), a big bag of white potatoes, three pints of grape tomatoes, and two bags of mini sweet peppers. I skipped eggplant, since I didn’t anticipate cooking it before it went bad, and kirby cucumbers, because I still have a few from last week to finish before they spoil. We also have onions and carrots left over. And I didn’t get a butternut squash because, in anticipation of Whole30, I recently made a big pot of squash soup and froze individual portions of it - enough to get me through the first two weeks of the program, at least. 

Friday, I set off for our usual chain supermarket to purchase all the meat needed for those first few days of the program - 3 lbs. ground turkey, 5 lbs. beef brisket, and 10 lbs. of chicken breast (some of which I’ll freeze for later). We already have numerous wild salmon filets in the freezer from a previous Costco run, so I didn’t buy any fish aside from a can of tuna as a backup last-resort protein. I also grabbed some apple cider vinegar, called for in a balsamic chicken recipe I plan to make, and some compliant salad dressing. 

Friday evening, I roasted some chicken thigh fillets I bought earlier in the week, leaving a few in the fridge to have for Sunday and Monday. On Sunday, I’ll make balsamic chicken and turkey meatballs, along with the spinach frittata for breakfast and a bunch of veggies. I’ll probably cook the brisket in the slow cooker on Tuesday, but for dinner that night I’ll make salmon, saving the brisket for Wednesday’s dinner. Since the main dish will already be done, Wednesday will be a good time to cook additional veggie sides. 

This is what my meal plan looks like so far. Each night, I’ll probably fill in the next day’s side dishes, to avoid any surprises or aimlessness the would come from being unprepared, and because I can never let well enough alone I’ll probably adjust some of the proteins as I go along. Regardless, it definitely does feel good to have a plan. 

Earlier in the year I was asked to contribute to the excellent ‘Dusk Dubs’ mixtape series, and jumped at the chance. They have a nice format of asking guests to provide music that has a special place in their memories and in their souls - ‘...music that moves them, that invokes images of sunrises, sunsets, good times and good people’. 

I thought it’d be a nice way to compliment the other ‘My Life At 45′ themed mixes that I’ve done this year, with a selection of music you’d be likely to hear playing at my house over the last 30+ years, with tracks featured in full, mixed end to end, and a little story to go with each track. 

Here’s the full tracklisting, and photos of some of my well-loved vinyl that the tracks were recorded from - hope you enjoy this laid-back late summer stroll through my record collection, and My Life At 45!

1) Peddlers - ‘Whole Lot Of Sunlight’, from the 1970 Philips LP ‘Three For All’.

I picked this up in Avid Records in Oxford in the late nineties, I got a lot of good stuff from them around that time, picking up cheap classic soul, blues and jazz LPs, bargain priced late ‘80s / early ‘90s 12” singles that I’d missed the first time round and just taking a punt on interesting looking sleeves, or bands I’d heard about in sampling cirlces. ‘Suite London’ was the hot crate digger’s favourite from The Peddlers, but the production on ‘Three For All’ is right up my street, with wonderful hammond playing and a killer drum sound. It’s a great album from start to finish. I’ve used tracks on a few mixtapes in the past 20 years, but not this particular one, and with an apt title, it seemed like ‘Whole Lot Of Sunlight' was a nice way to kick off my late summer Dusk Dubs selection!

2) Joe McDuphrey Experience - ‘Solar Waves’, from the 2002 Stones Throw 12” ‘Experience EP’.

Madlib made a big impression on me when I first started producing with a sampler and a second hand Hohner Pianet. I really enjoyed this era when he was mixing live instrumentation with the straight up MPC sample business. ‘Solar Waves’ has it all - lolloping drums, wonky synths and tasty electric piano - a super laid-back groove, and is one I rediscovered in my collection recently. Plus, I’m a sucker for coming up with a bunch of aliases to cover all the roles you might play on a record - Madlib is the undisputed champ at that.

3) Paul Weller - ‘That Spiritual Feeling’ (New Mix) from the 1993 Go! Discs promo 12” GOXDJ 102.

My first proper music industry job in the mid nineties was as a radio plugger, and we shared an office building with Go!Discs - home at the time to Portishead, David Holmes, The Beautiful South and Paul Weller, amongst others. There was a little shared kitchen area with a photocopier, and I was busily copying press releases one afternoon on about my 3rd day in the job, when I heard someone making a drink behind me. Turning round I was confronted by Mr Paul Weller himself, impeccably dressed (with an AMAZING tan) stirring his cup of tea. ‘Hello’ he said, ‘I’m Paul - nice to meet you’.

I managed not to swoon or drop my photocopying and introduced myself as the new boy. I worked on radio promo with him across various album projects for the next 4 years, culminating with a week on a tour bus with Paul and his crew doing sessions at radio stations across the country. Story for another time maybe … Anyway - also in that little kitchen area at Go! Discs was their stock cupboard, which I rinsed for releases I’d missed in the years prior to my starting work there. ‘That Spiritual Feeling’ was originally on his first solo release ‘Into Tomorrow’ in 1991, but got remixed and added to this promo, as well as appearing on the ‘Sunflower’ 12” (taken from ‘Wildwood’) It’s got the instantly recognisable JBs on it, with a classic horn arrangement backing up a kinda hypnotic 2 chord groove that just rolls and rolls. I can listen to it for hours.

4). Rhianna - ‘Word Love’ (4 Hero Soul Mix) from the 2002 Sony Soho Square promo 7” XPR 3600.

4 Hero were killing it in the early ‘00s as their productions evolved from the breakbeat mastery of the ‘90s into the wonderfully orchestrated arrangements that saw them covering ‘Les Fleur’, and bringing their deft touch to an increasing number of quality remixes. I don’t think this version of British soul star Rhianna’s ‘Word Love’ - which I loved in it’s original form - ever made it to a commercial release, but it’s something I’ve played out a lot over the years, and it always gets great comments and a bunch of info requests from the crowd.

5) GangStarr - ‘Jazz Thing’ (Instrumental Mix) from the 1990 CBS promo 12” XPR 1571.

I saw Mo Better Blues at the cinema in Australia in November 1990 and bought the soundtrack on cassette the next day. Brandford Marsalis and Terence Blanchard have a superb dialogue across all the tracks, especially on the Canonball Adderley-esque title track. However, Gang Starr’s ‘Jazz Thing’ blew my tiny teenage mind, and I became a bit obsessed with it over the next few years, the samples, the cuts, the live loops - especially after my new college mate Pete made me a tape a year or so later with two extra versions from the 12”, including this, the Instrumental Mix. I finally tracked down my own copy of this import promo in the Soul & Dance Exchange in Notting Hill in the late nineties, and it’s lived in my record bag pretty much ever since.

6) John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers with Peter Green - ‘Greeny’, from the 1969 Decca LP ‘The World Of Blues Power’.

Everyone my sort of age with some records is bound to have one or two liberated from their parent’s collection, and this was an album I discovered in my folks collection in about 1987, not long after buying a drum kit. I’d been rinsing their Beatles albums since I was a kid - singing along to ‘Drive My Car’ and ‘Octopus’s Garden’, but the World Of Blues Power seem a bit of alien concept until I gave it a good listen as a teen. There’s some classic pyrotechnic stuff from rising Brit Blues stars like Eric Clapton and Paul Butterfield, alongside US veterans like Champion Jack Dupree and Eddie Boyd, who’d moved to Europe in the ‘60s.

Always understated, Peter Green’s playing on ‘Greeny’ is perfect; simple and catchy as hell, but with complete mastery of his instrument.

7) Stanley Clarke - ‘Blues For Mingus’, from the 1979 Nemperor LP ‘I Wanna Play For You’.

This was another ’90s bargain from Avid Records in Oxford, but I first heard it when babysitting in the late ‘80s. The couple who’s kids I was deemed suitably responsible enough to be left in charge of were very happy for me to listen to their small but perfectly formed record collection, and many happy evenings were spent with a pile of C90s taping all sorts of classic jazz and blues. Took me the best part of the next 20 years to find my own vinyl copies of them all mind you. The uptempo jazz rock that Stanley Clarke was known for in the ‘70s is featured throughout the part-live ‘I Wanna Play For You’ album, but this downtempo small group number perfectly encapsulated my idea of what a jazz club gig should sound like; dark, smoky and soulful.

8) Al Green - ‘Lay It Down’, from the 2008 Blue Note LP ‘Lay It Down’.

Is it controversial to call this my favourite Al Green album? I mean, you can’t deny the classic ‘60s and ‘70s hits, but for me, this Questlove produced LP is right up there in terms of songwriting and production. I could have happily featured any of the album tracks here, but went with the title track for the silky strings and restrained playing from Questlove. Something as a drumming producer myself I’m less good at ;)

9) Matt Deighton - ‘Hey, My Mind’, from the 1995 Focus LP ‘Villager’.

This whole album is stuffed full of timeless sounding songs, it's one I’ve listened to alot over the years and comes complete with alot of happy memories.

Just before I got the plugging job, I’d been working in promotions for (the original) Virgin Radio in London, driving a branded vehicle around town all day. Seems mad and pointless in 2020, but it was fun in 1995, I was young, it seemed to be sunny all the time, I had a free 4WD and it paid quite well. I used the station’s copy of ‘The White Book’ - an entertainment industry directory that cost a small fortune back then - to look up the addresses of my favourite record labels, and spent most days knocking on their doors in an attempt to blag some free records. One of these labels was Acid Jazz, and, having announced which station I worked for, I was rushed in to meet their head of marketing and plied with records and CDs, before someone eventually asked ‘so, what is it you actually do at Virgin again?’. I bluffed my way through the next 10 minutes and agreed to have a chat to the producer of the evening show about getting a session for Matt Deighton. Matt was the singer and guitarist with Mother Earth, of whom I was a big fan, and was currently promoting a new solo album ‘Villager’ - Mother Earth had been a guest on the Virgin show before, and so the producer said yes to a session. I’m sure she would have booked him anyway, but she graciously let me set it up with Acid Jazz, gaining me some vital industry kudos and connections in the process.

10) Money Mark - ‘All The People’, from the 1998 Mo Wax / A&M LP ‘Push The Button’.

Mo Wax were one of my favourite ‘90s labels, having been introduced to them by a college friend sometime in ’93, and I think I tried unsuccessfully blagging my way onto their mailing list in my Virgin days, but later on, after the A&M deal, I had better luck getting occasional freebies. ‘Mark’s Keyboard Repair’ was the record that the genre lo-fi was invented for, with the mix of bit-crushed samples and live vintage keys, but ‘Push The Button’ is a brilliantly rounded record, with some great pop songs. Session legend Jim Keltner is playing drums on this track, which I’d forgotten about until I was reading the sleevenotes while recording this mix - his playing with the likes of Delaney & Bonnie, BB King, Leon Russell, Bill Withers, Eric Clapton and all of the Beatles on their various solo projects has been a big influence on my drumming style over the years. Records I’ve never heard of but have bought just because Jim Keltner is on drums is an extensive section of my collection.

11) Bedouine - ‘Summer Cold’, from the 2017 Spacebomb Records LP ‘Bedouine’.

Spacebomb are one of my favourite contemporary labels, with a studio sound and ethos that I aspire to greatly as I enter my third decade as a producer, and I’ve been picking up their releases since hearing label owner, and talented artist, Matthew E. White interviewed on 6 Music back in 2015. LA Based Syrian born Bedouine put out one of my most listened to albums of 2017 (and since!), and I would have featured any of the tracks in this mix, but something about the found sounds at the end of ‘Summer Cold’ seemed to work very nicely with the start of the following song from Emily King. Bedouine’s vocal and guitar sound is wonderfully distintive, and beautifully enhanced by the sympathetic Spacebomb Horn and String arrangements - get yourself the LP!

12) Emily King - ‘Distance’, from the 2015 Making Music Records LP ‘The Switch’.

I didn’t listen to many new records while I was producing Izo FitzRoy’s debut (track coming next!) - I think I thought I’d find it distracting, I suspect that wouldn’t have been the case, but once Izo’s record was in the can, I gorged on releases I’d missed and found things that have become all time favourites. Most of them seem to be by women with a very different sound to Izo, but equally captivating writing and energy. Emily King is one of those artists, along with Bedouine, Jane Weaver and Aldous Harding amongst others. ‘Distance’ is such a great song, and I love Emily’s voice and guitar playing, plus the production and feel too - ticks all the boxes for me.

13) Izo FitzRoy - ‘Heads Held High’, from the 2017 Jalepeno Records LP ‘Skyline’.

This was one of my favourites from Izo’s debut that I produced and played on a few years ago. A great lyric and performance from Izo over a groove that we worked hard to sound like a mix of samples and live instruments, but was in fact all recorded and produced in my studio at home. Initially Izo and I were writing on some tracks that I’d already recorded with a view to them going on a Dr Rubberfunk album, but it was pretty clear after we’d written a few things together that she had so many great songs that the project needed to be an album for her. Even at a few years distance, I’m still really pleased with how the record turned out, with a ’studio sound’ I can call my own, and one that I’ve been able to carry over to my recent ‘My Life At 45’ LP - on which Izo turns in another couple of killer performances!

14) Urban Species - ‘Blanket’ featuring Imogen Heap, from the 1998 Talkin’ Loud LP ‘Blanket’.

Along with Acid Jazz and Mo Wax, Talkin’ Loud were another label I was madly collecting everything they released throughout the ‘90s and beyond. Having DJ’d in support of Urban Species at my college in 1994, I was already a fan, and their second album ‘Blanket’ is one of my all-time favourites by any artist. It features two great collaborations with Terry Callier, and two with Imogen Heap, including the title track featured here. Great writing and production, I was very influenced by this record as I started working with vocalists. Always love the guitar solo over the fade out too - if it exists, I’d love to get my hands on the full version without the fade!

15) Routes In Jazz - ‘Out In The Jungle’, from the 1992 Concious Records 12” CON 999.

Another sure shot from my days as a nascent DJ at Froebel College in West London in the early ‘90s. I was fortunate to have the support and encouragement of a couple of older students as I joined the Student Union and started organising events, and one of them - Lee - actually let me borrow his records a few times to play out with. Cheers Lee! This was one he used to play in warm up and bar sets, and I loved the double bass loop and ear worm horn sample (I never have worked out what it’s from), so had to get a copy. In some ways it’s a very 1992 record, but has stood the test of time in terms of production as far as I’m concerned.

16) DJ Krush - ‘Yeah’, from the 1994 Mo Wax LP ‘Strictly Turntablized’.

Early Mo Wax classic, from before all this sort of thing was considered ‘trip hop’, it was just killer instrumental hip hop as far as I was concerned, and DJ Krush, along with DJ Shadow, was right up there, leading the way. Another big influence on me when I eventually got a sampler - tough drums: check, swinging bass sample: check, jazzy horn and vocal samples: check. Love it.

17) Freak Power - ‘My Heart Sings’, from the 1994 ‘In Dub - The Fried Funk Food EP’, bonus album with some vinyl editions of the ‘Drive Thru Booty’ LP

They say never meet your heroes, but having meet and worked with both Norman Cook and Ashley Slater, the creators of the Freak Power project, I’d have to disagree. Naturally, if you’ve read through the tracklisting this far, you’ll have worked out there’s another showbiz story to go with this selection, and there is, but I’m saving it for another time, ‘cos it’s LONNNGGGG. Suffice it to say, ‘Turn On Tune In, Cop Out’ was a massive tune in ’93, and when the album dropped the following year I was straight down the record shop on release day. I wasn’t expecting a bonus ‘Dub EP’, much less one with almost unrecognisable remixes of the album tracks, but I was very happy to have it included. Some of the best downtempo beats Norman has made I think, and the drum programming on the second half of this track had me scratching my head in my pre-sampler owning days and wondering how the heck it was done. Fabulous sample choices, and nice and long too - handy for those DJ set comfort breaks.

18) John Martyn - ‘Sunshine’s Better’ (Talvin Singh Mix), from the 1996 Go! Discs promo 12” SSB1.

Talking of long tracks, here’s 10 minutes plus of John Martyn and the balearic classic ‘Sunshine’s Better’ reworked beautifully by Talvin Singh. John was another of the artists on Go! Discs when I was plugging for them, and I think it’s widely accepted he was a challenging character at that stage of his career. Still an amazing songwriter and performer though, and sounding as good as ever on the album ‘And’ from which ‘Sunshine’s Better’ is taken. Phil Collins on drums too.

19) Incognito - ‘Out Of The Storm’ (C’s Planet E Mix), from the 1996 Talkin’ Loud promo 12” TLDJ54.

If you were putting together a downtempo set in ’96, and you had ‘Sunshine’s Better’, you needed this Carl Craig mix of ‘Out Of The Storm’ for sure. Hip hop drum loops, swirling synth pads, a wobbly flute sample and some perfectly placed little bass guitar fills and turnarounds made this perfect in so many ways. I was VERY excited to get a promo copy, and definitely felt I had ‘arrived’ as a DJ when this came through the letterbox one morning. old DJ voice “Those were the days.” LOL.

20) Freddie King - ‘Gambling Woman Blues’, from the 1977 RSO LP ‘Freddie King (1934-1976)’.

In case you were worried I’d skipped over my love of the blues with just one track, here’s a less well known number from Freddie King, recorded during sessions with Eric Clapton and his band in the early ’70s, just a few years before King’s untimely death in 1976. I’ve got plenty of albums by the ‘Three Kings’ (Albert, B.B and Freddie) and they all had some very funky moments in the late sixties and early seventies. This posthumous compilation album was also in the collection of the family I used to babysit for, another tape that had pretty much worn out before I could track down my own vinyl copy, which, as you can hear, has been well played too. Again, a track that seems to fade just as it’s getting going, but fear not - there’s a 20+ minute version on some of the popular streaming services.

21) Donny Hathaway - ‘What’s Going On?’ from the 2014 ATCO Records LP ‘Live At The Bitter End 1971’.

I heard Gilles Peterson play tracks from this album on his 6 Music Show on Record Store Day in 2014. RSD often falls on my birthday weekend, so I thought I’d treat myself to this re-issue (with previously unissued tracks) of Donny Hathaway’s 1971 shows at the Bitter End on Bleecker Street in New York City. Although there aren’t many artists that can make a convincing go of covering Marvin Gaye, Donny is definitely one of them, and ‘What’s Going On?’ sounds just as relevant today as it ever did. I felt it was an appropriate choice, given the state of the world today, my love of black music and the fact that my whole music career is based on it. Once more, for the people at the back, BLACK LIVES MATTER.

22) Wes Montgomery - ‘Sun Down’, from the 1966 Verve Records LP ‘California Dreaming’.

3 quid from, you’ve guessed it, Avid Records. Bargain. I listened to an absolute ton of blues guitarists in my late teens, but it was a few years later that I started going sideways into jazz guitar, falling in love with the soul jazz / acid jazz sound of Grant Green and Ivan ‘Boogaloo Joe’ Jones, before finding the earlier generation - the likes of Barney Kessel, Kenny Burrell, Joe Pass and Wes Montgomery. Tricky to pick between them to be honest, but it seemed this upbeat and optimistic big band number from the 1966 ‘California Dreaming’ album by Wes Montogomery, a mixture of contemporary pop covers and jazz standards, with Herbie Hancock on piano, and engineered by Rudy Van Gelder - two more heroes of mine - was a good way to close out my Dusk Dubs choices.

those tips are so interesting to read!! would you care to make a similar list about what to eat/how to manage food resources while being on a trip? or advice about camping alone in general? thanks!

HAPPILY this is one of those subjects that makes me really happy because I am 100% a nature witch

this is a great way for to procrastinate thank you thank you. (warning: it’s long)

disclaimer: I don’t really know what I’m doing any more than the next person, so I can’t really recommend doing things, I can just tell you about my experiences. Here’s what i got (SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOOOT)

Food:

er how can I say this….. I don’t have the healthiest relationship with food so I cannot emphasize enough how uncomfortable I would be if anyone were to take my eating patterns as guidelines for anything. Having said that, I am most at peace with food and my eating habits when I travel. But suffice it to say that it’s probably not quite enough calorically and I personally think that’s fine because it’s not my constant state of living but…… anyway.

-I’ll go about a week between stops in towns sometimes. When I say that I just mean sort of passing through one on my route and checking if they have a market/supermarket. Sometimes it’s less than that but generally if I’m in a town I’ll get a bunch of beef jerky (might have to alter this this summer when I’m in bear country but I’ll still look into that) - say five packets for a week. I might also get some energy/protein bars but these are not my faves tbh and also the wrappers take up space in pockets. Other than that I might get a bag of carrots or some sunflower seeds. Sunflower seeds are good for magnesium, which helps prevent cramps, so that’s a plus when you’re walking all day and don’t want foot cramps that hurt like a bitch. I like carrots. Honestly, though, I prefer finding food in the forest to taking it with me. 

-It depends when and where you’re travelling obviously, but if you familiarize yourself with edible wild plants before you go somewhere that’s a useful bit of knowledge to have. I personally don’t eat something unless I’m sure it is what I think it is. That means that I end up having a lot of blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, mirabelles, plums, apples, wild garlic, dandelion, clover, wild sorrel, chickweed, purslane, gooseberries and beechnuts because they’re hard to mistake for other things. There are also things that are technically edible but I wouldn’t really recommend like birch bark and rosehip berries. I just dont like them much. 

-Oh, also: corn. So I realise this is not technically a morally great thing because it’s sort of like stealing? but if I’m walking past a field of corn I’ll usually take a cob and shave off the kernels into a container and then munch on them as I go. Fibrous and gets your digestion going and honestly raw corn is really tasty. Wash it first, if you can, and always check for bugs in your food. 

-I also prefer to stock up on water when I’m near civilization or at a spring, just cause ya can get some nasty ass infections from nasty water and that can suck when you’re alone in the middle of nowhere. I got a very mild stomach bug last year and that wasn’t nice. I do carry water purification tablets, though, and some charcoal in case I really really really need to make a makeshift water filter. But I try to have at least 4 litres on me whenever I leave a town. Forest springs are great, and quite often well signposted if they’re reasonably near civilzation because people jog up there and stuff. My grandpa used to do that.

- Pine tea. I like it. Boil pine needles in water. Tea. Piney. I like it. You may not.

Advice on isolation without loneliness:

The main thing people ask if I’m talking about this stuff is whether I get lonely without talking to someone for 2 weeks at a time. Honestly I think the answer to that depends party on who you are. I am a solitary person in the first place so my answer might be different to yours. My answer is just straight up no. I don’t get lonely. I sing to myself on the road. I talk to myself sometimes, but just sort of in a thinking aloud way. I find the whole process incredibly therapeutic and it allows me to work through so much shit because when you’re on your own there’s no one around to hold you to their standards, so you have to learn to be okay with yourself. Literally looking for food, water and shelter every day is a good way for me to indirectly express my will to fight to stay alive. Or actually. I mean it’s pretty direct. You have to actively Survive rather than just passively Exist. I find that to be the best environment for working through shit and confronting yourself with issues because who are you gonna distract yourself with or hide behind if you don’t want to talk about it? I do have a couple of tips though:

- take books. Ones you know and ones you don’t. Ones you know give you comfort, ones you don’t engage you. Pick up books at flea markets and from old bookshops when you pass through towns and cities. I actually also set aside a certain amount of battery on my phone every day for reading stories I’ve downloaded and I think that actually also helps tether me to society a bit and not get lonely, because it’s this implicit inclusion in a community (ao3) of like-minded creative people. I didn’t have tumblr then but I can say for sure I’m gonna miss the hell out of you guys in July

- MY MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE: write. I filled a tiny journal with tiny writing last summer and it was the best part of everything. Not so much because i can look back at what I did but because it gave my thoughts and days and actions coherence and I could sit down and think something out on paper with myself and make discoveries about my thoughts and feeling and just……. you learn a lot about yourself when you start writing your thoughts down.

- Sing. Sing out loud all the goddamn time if you’re like me.

General advice:

This is just some info that’s good to have? I think?

-periods: sonofabitch. Fucking. Periods suck, and when you’re travelling solo for over a month you’re gonna have them (maybe. this is for those who have them) and you’re gonna have to be prepared for them. Tampons are the way forward in my opinion but *tmi* my periods are so heavy that they bleed through a maxi tampon and a maxi pad during the night sometimes so I have no choice. But also if you get mauled or something I guess pads are good for blood absorption so they’re a good thing to have anyway. Tampons are also good for blood absorption (WHO’DA THUNK IT) and also make good kindling. I’m gonna talk more about kindling later, though. The good news: periods can be less heavy when you’re active all day.

- pine resin/sap: useful stuff. You can theoretically eat it if you’re really desperate for something cause it’s v high-energy but absolutely disgusting and in general it’s best for a couple things: if it’s liquid and fresh you can use it to hold together cuts and wounds (natural antibacterial properties and all that plus it’s sticky and literally holds skin together). if it’s hardened you can still melt it down or dissolve it in warm water - at which point you can use it as a gargle that’s good for upset stomachs and throat problems (and colds i think?). If it’s dry it also catches a spark really easily. It also apparently repels mosquitos, but I’m skeptical about that one.

-kindling/fire: so there’s a long list of materials that can be used as kindling which might be really useful to you, but I’m gonna level with you and say that I don’t really make fires when I camp out for a couple of reasons: 1. A lot of the time I’m in national parks where that’s not allowed and also where I am not sure I’m technically allowed to camp, so best not to draw attention to myself by making a fire and 2. I’m just not that great at it. Like, I’m just not very good.

-brushing teeth: I use biodegradable toothpaste concentrate and just spit it out. not that great, yep. I have yet to figure out a better system.

-washing: imma level with you - I don’t stay terribly clean. A lot of campsites have showers you can use if you pay for them, but there aren’t always campsites around. Wash in lakes and learn to live with the fact that you’re not gonna smell great. If i walk past some lavender I take it and I stuff it in my sports bra and in my bag. Same with mint or thyme or rosemary - anything with a strong, pleasant smell. Wash your face in the bathroom sink at the train stations. Look up at your reflection and be taken aback cause you haven’t actually seen yourself for a while and you realise that you’re a little more tanned and that makeup is totally unnecessary a lot of the time.

Hey look, actual "unique" questions

Via @quietandinviting, and apparently this was the original source.

I’m doing this LiveJournal style because I ultimately prefer to take my destiny into my own hands when it comes to answering questions like this! :D 1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? >I actually don't have a closet in my current place! My room used to be the laundry room. I am OK with this because it has a door leading directly outside. 2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? >No. I'm picky about which shampoo, conditioner, soap, etc. I use. 3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? >One side in, one side out. 4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before? >No. 5:Do you like to use post-it notes? >I used to love them, but these days I've switched to the Errands app. 6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? >I forget about coupons all the time. 7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? >I'd rather not think about either of those things. 8:Do you have freckles? >Some. 9:Do you always smile for pictures? >Yes, although it doesn't always look natural because I get self-conscious. I do want to take more pictures of myself, though. 10:What is your biggest pet peeve? >Self-righteousness, probably. There have been times when I've really wanted to reblog something here but decided against it because of the "if you don't reblog this, you're a terrible person" crap. 11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? >Not personally, but my current phone has a pedometer and I've been really enjoying using it. 12:Have you ever peed in the woods? >Yes, while hiking. It was gross and I don't want to do it again. 13:What about pooped in the woods? >No. 14:Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? >FUCK YES. 15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? >Apparently not as much as I used to! 16:How many people have you slept with this week? >None. 17:What size is your bed? >Queen! It came with the room I'm renting. 18:What is your Song of the week? >Most of the songs in the Moana soundtrack. 19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? >It should be more socially acceptable. 20:Do you still watch cartoons? >A lot of cartoons that are primarily marketed to kids seem to be of higher quality than a lot of adult TV and movies. 21:Whats your least favorite movie? >At the moment, Passengers. I'm just so mad that they had this amazing concept and did something so crappy with it. 22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? >I'd probably just hire a safe for it. I don't want to risk some other fucker finding it and taking it. 23:If you're a girl, bra size? If you're a guy, pants size? >18D, I think. 24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? >I tend to eat foods like that at buffet restaurants, so I'd pick whatever sauce looks nicest there. Or maybe in the broth of some of the other foods on my plate. 25:What is your favorite food? Potato chips. 26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? >Mostly childhood favourites, like Miss Congeniality, Legally Blonde, Teaching Mrs Tingle, Center Stage, Bring It On, etc. 27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? >My mum. 28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? >No. (Incidentally, it's Pippins, Brownies and Girl Guides for New Zealand girls. Not sure what the boy organisations are called.) 29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? >No, and it's almost entirely because of the stigma. I'd love to do comedy nudity like Air New Zealand, though. 30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? >To my grandmother, shortly before she died in 2015. 31:Can you change the oil on a car? >I can't even drive a car. 32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? >See #31, but my brother did when following my dad home in separate cars, and my dad apparently instructed the cop to make my brother squirm a little. XD 33:Ever ran out of gas? >See #31 34:Favorite kind of sandwich? >The meatball sandwich at Subway, with onion, green pepper, jalapenos, pickles and chipotle sauce. 35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? >The *best* thing is a nice egg, bacon, etc. breakfast when I eat out, but when I eat at home I just eat cereal. I eat it dry and drink milk on the side because I hate the texture cereal gets when it sits in milk for more than a couple of minutes. 36:What is your usual bedtime? >10ish. 37:Are you lazy? >No. 38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? >We didn't really do Halloween all that much. We have a *bit* of trick or treating in New Zealand but it's not celebrated to the same extent as America. 39:What is your Chinese astrological sign? >The Rat. 40:Are you horny? >No. 41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? >No. 42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs? >We don't have Lincoln Logs in New Zealand. I enjoyed playing with Lego, though. 43:Are you stubborn? >When it comes to personal things (as opposed to activism, where the rights of oppressed groups > the feelings of privileged groups), I tend to want to know *why* you want me to do something differently or see something differently, and I want you to not treat me like I'm defective or otherwise make it about my character when it's not appropriate to do so. If you're good about those things, I'll often consider what you're asking for. I still have some absolute non-negotiables, but I'm often willing to be flexible if I understand the reason and am being treated respectfully. 44:Who is better...Leno or Letterman? >Those are talk shows, right? I don't even know what kinds of talk shows we have in New Zealand (if any), but I do enjoy Jimmy Kimmel's Mean Tweets segments. 45:Ever watch soap operas? >I might watch a New Zealand one like Shortland Street, but it's more because I want to watch more of our own stuff. Local entertainment is vastly outnumbered by overseas entertainment, especially from America, and while I enjoy a lot of that stuff, I want to see my own country in the stuff I'm watching. 46:Are you afraid of heights? >I won't bungee jump but I don't mind just being up high. I like roller coasters and looking straight down from the Skytower, and I have used the words "That was the best turbulence I've had in a while." 47:Do you sing in the car? >If I drove, I totally would. 48:Do you sing in the shower? >If my flatmates aren't home. I also sing while cooking sometimes. 49:Do you dance in the car? >Again, if I drove, I would absolutely do this. 50:Ever used a gun? >I think we might have done rifle shooting at my school camp when I was 10 or so. 51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? >When I taught English in Japan and they did yearbook photos. This was almost 10 years ago. 52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? >NO THEY ARE AWESOME. 53:Is Christmas stressful? >It used to be, because I had all the stress of buying presents but didn't actually get to see my family. Last year was my first Christmas after coming back to NZ and when I did my Christmas shopping I was stressed because my mind hadn't adjusted. But then I got together with my family on Christmas and it was great. I don't think it's going to be so stressful next year. Still a little stressful because I have to make time for Christmas shopping during my industry's busy season, but not nearly as much as before. 54:Ever eat a pierogi? >No, but it'd be cool to try one. 55:Favorite type of fruit pie? >Apple or cherry. 56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? >I didn't. I went from not knowing at all, to knowing I wanted to do something with Japanese (confession: when it came to choosing between Japanese and German, I think my choice to go with Japanese was influenced by a crush on the teacher...and it worked out! Like, obviously I didn't end up with her because non-creepy teachers aren't attracted to 17-year-olds, but I ended up in a good career.) Anyway, so I went from no idea to a moment of total clarity with what I wanted to study at university, then I went from no idea to a moment of total clarity when I decided that I wanted to be a translator. 57:Do you believe in ghosts? >Not really. 58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? >There have been a couple of minor occasions. 59:Take a vitamin daily? >Yes. 60:Wear slippers? >No, I don't like how they feel on my feet. 61:Wear a bath robe? >Only when I need to cover up in front of my flatmates. 62:What do you wear to bed? >Nightgown in summer, pyjamas in winter. 63:First concert? >A 90s revival concert just a couple of months ago! 64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? >Over here, our main big box store is The Warehouse. It's pretty good, I go there quite often. 65:Nike or Adidas? >Nike's stuff seems to have caught my eye the most often. 66:Cheetos Or Fritos? >CHEETOS. When I used to get my friend to send me American chips, I always asked for Cheetos and Doritos. 67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? >They're both yummy. 68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? >No! Google isn't bringing up anything definitive either. 69:Ever take dance lessons? >I did yosakoi in Japan. It was alright, but I prefer dancercise, where the moves are very simple. I don't like learning a lot of moves. 70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? >No. I try not to stereotype people based on their profession. 71:Can you curl your tongue? >No. 72:Ever won a spelling bee? >We didn't have those in New Zealand in my day. I heard on the news that a New Zealander qualified for the Scripps one year, but I think it's still not a part of our school culture and I kind of wish it was. I did do foreign language contests when I was in high school, though! I won a bunch of times and placed high a bunch of other times. 73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? >Mostly when reading reassuring messages. 74:Own any record albums? >No, but my parents do and I own the mp3 versions of some of their stuff. 75:Own a record player? >No, but my parents do. 76:Regularly burn incense? >No. I have a stuffed toy whose smell is comforting to me, and incense would change its smell. Also, my boss's neighbour's house burned down because she lit candles and knocked one over or something. 77:Ever been in love? >No, but I've had a crush and it was fun. 78:Who would you like to see in concert? >Really any of the artists I like, as long as it doesn't take a lot of effort for me to go. Like, if the tickets sell out in an hour, no. If I have to queue for a long time, no. This revival concert had assigned seating and didn't sell out too quickly. 79:What was the last concert you saw? >The revival concert. 80:Hot tea or cold tea? >None. 81:Tea or coffee? >I will sometimes drink a very milky/chocolatey coffee, like mochaccino or latte, but I mostly prefer water.   82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? >Both sound really good! 83:Can you swim well? >No. 84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? >You mean underwater? No. 85:Are you patient? >Moderately. I can generally turn it on if I need to when I'm dealing with people, but if my computer's running slow, then to quote The Wolf of Wall Street, it's "fuck" this, "shit" that, "cunt", "cock", "asshole". 86:DJ or band, at a wedding? >Probably DJ, but unless it's my wedding, I don't really care. 87:Ever won a contest? >Multiple foreign language contests in high school, multiple colouring contests in my early to mid teens, including a PlayStation that my brother was ecstatic about (I liked colouring before it was cool!) and I also won a huge hamper of beauty products a few years ago. I ended up donating most of the beauty products to a DV shelter, though, because I didn't use them. I still use the towel and placemats that came with it, though. 88:Ever have plastic surgery? >No. 89:Which are better black or green olives? >I don't think I've tried green olives. The black ones are alright, but I'm not a huge fan. 90:Can you knit or crochet? >No. 91:Best room for a fireplace? >The lounge...of a house that somebody else is responsible for. Like, if my live-in landlady or one of my family or friends got one, I'd think it was cool, but I don't want to be solely responsible for one because I'd be scared of setting the house on fire. 92:Do you want to get married? >Probably; it seems to carry certain legal benefits that I'd want to have in a long-term relationship. 93:If married, how long have you been married? >Not married. 94:Who was your HS crush? >My Japanese teacher, who was younger then than I am now. 95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? >No, but I cry over things that seem inconsequential because there's deeper stuff going on below the surface. For example, last weekend I tried to go to the gym but my key didn't work. I cried when I got home, not because I couldn't handle waiting until Monday to speak to the staff about it, but because I felt like I'd somehow done something wrong that I needed to be embarrassed about. I used some anxiety techniques to deal with that, then had a reasoned conversation about it during their staffed hours. 96:Do you have kids? >No. 97:Do you want kids? >No. 98:Whats your favorite color? >Pink. 99:Do you miss anyone right now? >Nope!

Holiday Gift Guide for Homesteaders (and Chicken Lovers)

The 2017 City Girl Farming Holiday Gift Guide for Homesteaders and Chicken Lovers

It’s that time of year again when we all scratch our heads to figure out what to give to to those we love. I’ve put together a few things to help you out this year. Gifts focused on the chicken lovers, the gardeners and the general homesteaders (and folks who long to be homesteaders but aren’t there yet) in your life.  Here I present to you the 2017 Holiday Guide for homesteaders and chicken lovers on your list. May it get your holiday creative juices flowing!

Holiday Gift Ideas for Chicken Lovers

Because I am one of those chicken lovers, let’s start with them first. There is tons of stuff on the market these days that targets chicken fanatics (because our ranks are growing). However, not every chicken-themed object is a good gift.  Here are some I’ve  come across that I think are fun, cool, or somehow unique. Some of them I’ve used as gifts for the chicken lovers in MY life and they’ve been a hit.

Chicken Wine Cork: Okay, this isn’t just another chicken-themed thing. Well, actually, it IS, but it’s hysterical! I’ve bought them for people who have LOVED them. Remember the rubber chicken from childhood? This is that, in miniature form, crafted to fit inside an open bottle of wine. (Bonus: It’s a great conversation starter at parties!) Get it here.

Chicken Stickers or Stamp for Egg Cartons: This is something I’d LOVE, but would feel guilty buying for myself. There’s lots of options out there from stickers to stamps. You can even get them at the City Girl Farming Zazzle store here.

Other Customizable Chicken Items: As a matter of fact, there’s all sorts of customizable chicken related gifts over at the City Girl Farming Store. Mugs, T-shirts. Pillows. Tote Bags. And more. Check out the whole selection here.

Chicken Forage Seeds: I love these for my girls. It’s a variety pack of seeds (Annual Ryegrass, Perennial Ryegrass, Buckwheat, Flax, Millet, Forage Peas, Red Clover, Alfalfa ) specially blended for chickens. They also make for a great bee garden with a variety of cute blooming flowers creating an easy to grow, blooming garden to make everyone happy. My girls LOVE it. Here’s proof (if you look close you can see several hens enjoying the garden:

Chicken Coloring Book: Creative Chickens Coloring Book was a project I modeled after my own flock, combining my quirky personality with their whacky behavior. There are 20 original, hand drawn whimsical chicken drawings to color.  Great for children and adults. You can get it here.

Gifts for the Garden Geeks

Permaculture Cards: This deck of playing cards was thought up by a guy passionate about permaculture. He took his idea to Kickstarter and got it funded and now they’re available. Each card is full of fun facts and great photos to help educate the players of the card game.

Gardening Apron: This isn’t just any gardening apron! The Roo Joey Apron is the ultimate gardening apron with a huge pouch to fill and a chute to empty the pouch without any mess (or residue left behind).

Seeds: Okay this might seem kinda  boring to you, but think about a gardener! SEEDS are everything (and they’re somewhat addictive). There are some great ideas out there. For example, how about an Heirloom Survival Seed Kit?  If you’re worried about being to specific on your selection, what about a gift certificate from a good seed company like Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds or Territorial Seed Company and then they can pick out what they want. (Trust me: a gardener never tires of seeds…of trying new seeds…of stocking up on old favorites…a Seed Catalog is like the toy catalog for kids. Bright, shiny, and oh so alluring.)

Heirloom Beans: This is dinner and seeds all at the same time! Rancho Gordo sells a wide variety of heirloom beans (for eating). Your garden lover can sample savory meals all winter long featuring hard to find heirloom varieties of beans. If they save some along the way, they’ll be able to plant their favorites in the garden next spring. Eat now. Eat Later. What’s not to love about that? (Not to mention that Heirloom beans are WONDERFUL. If you want to know more about them, check out my blog post on the subject–I’m an heirloom bean addict!)

Kid Gardeners: Cute seed kits (that come in egg cartons) and are a variety of themes (pizza, salsa, etc.) but my favorite is the Summer Fun seed kit that contains seeds to grow Birdhouse Gourds, Luffa Sponges, Sensitive Plant, Spaghetti Squash, Big Orange Pumpkins and Mammoth Sunflowers.

Holiday Gift Ideas for Homesteaders (and Homesteader-wannabes):

InstaPot: I LOVE LOVE mine! I’ve been wanting one for over a year and finally got one. I’m not disappointed. If you’re not familiar with the Instapot, it basically does everything: Pressure cooking, slow cooking, sauteing, baking, a warmer, a rice cooker and some models have a yogurt maker. Pretty much everything you need in a kitchen appliance (except for still needing a good blender!) There’s different models, sizes and options all designed to make life easier! Here’s one to look at.

There’s also great InstaPot cookbooks and ideas galore as well as much inspiration on Pinterest for what to cook and how to use this amazing all-in-one machine.

Fermenting Kit: Give the gift of good gut health with a fermenting kit.

Sprouting Kit: Another great gift for good health is a sprouting kit.

A Big Basket of Organic Fruits and Nuts: Even better if you can buy it local.

Local Handmade Gifts: Think soaps, local honey, hand knit items, etc.

Fatwood: I’ve heard people talking about Fatwood, but only recently experienced it. Fat wood is wood kindling that has been made from the base of the tree, where the resin is more highly concentrated. You can light a fire WITHOUT paper or kindling just with 2 tiny pieces of Fatwood. It’s amazing! Plus, added bonus is that it’s all natural. No added chemicals or anything else. And they’re sustainable. They take the stumps from trees that have already been cut and put them to good use.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Fatwood. I’m hooked!

Essential Oils: Give the gift of health (and all sorts of DIY homesteading solutions). I use essential oils daily, both inside and outside the house. I use them on the chickens, too, when they’re sick or wounded. It makes so many things much more simple. And healthy. And non-toxic. If you’re interested in the kind I use, check this out. Or message me. I’d be happy to help you out.

For Homesteading Kids:

Don’t Throw it, Grow it: 68 Windowsill Plants from Kitchen Scraps: This book ROCKS! And it opens the curiosity for kids (and adults!) to see what will grow from the kitchen. (Think: the spices in the cupboard that are still in seed form (not ground), the end of the celery you chop off, etc.) Great book for curious children to open them up to a world of gardening.

Educational (and fun!) Board Game: Wildcraft Herbal Adventure Game. This is a cooperative board game that actually teaches about edible herbs and their uses, focusing on medicinal and first aid situations.

DIY Projects and Time

Lastly, it’s not all about what you can BUY. Sometimes the gift of TIME is the best gift of all and there’s hundreds of ways to do it. For example:

Who wouldn’t love free babysitting so they could go out one night?

Or help painting/fixing/cleaning something around the house/homestead?

What about ‘gift certificate’ for an afternoon of weeding or helping muck out the coop (you might enjoy it more than you think).

I have a friend who just gave a YEAR OF SOUP to someone.  Once a month she makes a big pot of soup and delivers it to her recipient. Mmmm. That sounds wonderful.

Get creative. It doesn’t have to cost anything but a little time.

Or, if you’re into DIY projects, things that I make that are oft-requested items are these:

Lemon Curd

Salsa Verde

Blackberry Jalapeno Jam

(All of the above recipes include canning instructions but don’t let that put you off if you’re not into canning–you can make it fresh and deliver it in a nice jar for refrigerator storage, or put it in cute packages and freeze it.)

Make Pine Cone Fire Starters

Another fun idea I’ve done is make Snowmen in a Jar kits for kids. They were a big hit. (And I even include labels you can print!)

Snowman in a Jar Kit

No matter what you do, nor what you celebrate, when it comes down to it, it’s all about your relationship with people. Hopefully this holiday gift guide for homesteaders and chicken lovers will get your creative juices flowing and you’ll think of even more perfect things than I’ve listed here. Have fun.  And happy holidays!

Holiday Gift Guide for Homesteaders (and Chicken Lovers) was originally posted by My Favorite Chicken Blogs(benjamingardening)

A Date With the Republican Wives’ Club (a Short Story)...

A Date with the Republican Wives’ Club (And other Socioeconomic Anomalies)

By Mighty Mike Lechner

(From, “A Crush Story”)

 It was a sunny Saturday Morning. Michael Scheigermann was at his desk checking his email on his laptop while his same-sex mate, William Muzak was in the bedroom getting dressed. Then his cell phone rang. It was his best friend, Bob Cope. Both worked together as warehousemen for PlowShare Pharma.

 “Bob, what’s up? Adele giving you a hard time again?” Schweigermann answered as he was printing out something off his computer.

 “Not much. Mike, how would you like to join me and the guys for some Indoor Taser Tag at the WrexPlex?” Cope Offered.

 “No, Cope! As much fun as that day was, I am gonna pass. I am fresh out of adult diapers and really am not into shitting and pissing my pants and having to be treated for A-Fib this week…” Schweigermann replied, then added jokingly, “And besides, I am still reeling from me being a contestant on that short-lived reality TV show, ‘Psych Ward-Stuck in the Shock Tank at Creedmoor State Hospital’...when they actually gave me Regressive Electroshock Therapy and I was a blithering dolt having to be spoon-fed and in diapers for a month after accosting that hunky orderly...”

 “You were on that show on the XtremeChannel?? Was that the same one they Transorbitally Lobotomized that washed-up former child TV star and he died from encephalitis from a dirty icepick??” Cope inquired, playing along with the joke.

 “Yes, unfortunately! But at least I made enough on that show to pay my rent and utilities at Mudslide Gardens for two years…” Mike answered.

 “You and Bill have anything planned?” Cope inquired.

 “Actually, as you know, Bill just got out of the hospital again a few days ago and has been cooped up at home here all week. To get him out of the house, decided to do some food shopping at ShopRite in Garwood and maybe hitting the Farmers Market by the Train Station in Westfield and grabbing subs at Hershey’s or Duke’s Deli with my neighbors, Gloria and Robert Bumgardner. Probably will be free after that…” Schweigermann answered.

 “Well, I was thinking-Adele and I have tickets at the Meadowlands for ‘Monster Car Soccer’-it’s part soccer, part hockey, part demolition derby, and 100% fun to watch…”

 “is that where two teams of cars knock around a huge soccer ball and the goalies are Bobcat operators in big backhoes? Maybe. I had seen them in action on YouTube videos...”

 “Got two extra tickets-Adele got them from her new Radio Station gig in The City-want to go?

 “Let me see how Bill endures it...I will get back to you in a couple of hours. How’s Adele doing with her new job at WTUP??”

 “She loves it-although she misses working with Jim Blowhard and Big Joe Whalegut for that talk station near Philly….”

 As Schweigermann was talking with Cope, Muzak walks in Mike’s Office wearing grey gym shorts, a white T-shirt, flip flops, and a straw hat with silk sunflowers hot glued to it around the band and reeking of Jean Nate cologne.

 Mike looked up and said, “Bob, let me call you later-Bill is ready to go…”

 “Okay, I will talk to you later, Mike!”

 Schweigermann closed his phone and looked up. He whispered under his breath, Oh, No!

 “Bill, I hope you are not wearing what you are wearing to Westfield…”

 “Why not? You dress like we are going to war here…” Muzak Quipped back. Mike was wearing Digital Woodland Camo (MARPAT) BDU Shorts, Black TAC Boots and a T-Shirt depicting a SWAT team member with a battering ram ready to breach a doorway with the caption saying, KNOCK! KNOCK!!

 “At least, where we are going, they are Right-Wing, Flag-Waving Warmongers...don’t think the members of the Republican Wives’ Club can handle a crossdresser-we aren’t just there yet…” Schweigermann Retorted, then added, “But then again, it just might be fun as all hell to shake things up a bit. Maybe I’ll even” “wear my MICH helmet and pretend I am an old war vet with a TBI. Still reeling from the ECT sessions I have been going for lately…last night, after you went to bed, I went into a staring spell and after, a mild grand mal and pissed my boxers. Just used my last diaper today and wearing it underneath now…”

 “Michael! Why??!!...” Bill inquired.

 “The Meds are not working well anymore. And while you were in the hospital, I had a breakdown like I did in 2000 when you had the Colostomy Reversal and spent the weekend in Carrier Clinic again...” Mike replied.

 Then the doorbell rang. It was Gloria and Robert Bumgardner. Bill walked over to the door and let them in.

 "Hi, Guys! Gloria Bumgardner greeted as her and her husband, Robert walked in. Robert’s face looked like he was weaned on a dill pickle. Gloria had a mild form of Down’s Syndrome and Robert was an extreme Dysthymic and also went into bad, crippling depressive episodes like Mike. Both of them are permanently disabled and collecting Social Security.

 “Good Morning, Guys!” Bill Greeted them as he closed the door.

 Mike stood up from his desk chair and walked into the living room and sat in his whitewashed L. L. Bean porch rocking chair with a green damask cushion set. Mike greeted, “Good Morning, Gloria and Robert! Ready for a nice day out?”

 “Yes, Mike! We are!! Always a fun time with you guys…” Gloria replied as she sat next to her husband on the loveseat. Bill sat in his usual spot on his couch.

 "Guys, before we go to ShopRite, can we stop at the Farmers Market at the Train Station in Westfield and from there, we’ll go across to Hershey’s Subs to eat-sound good?” Mike Suggested.

 “Sure, Mike! Love Hershey’s Subs…” Gloria replied gleefully. Then Robert interrupted her, “Gloria, we don’t have a whole lot to spend until we get our checks on the third of the month…”

 “It’s on Us, Guys! We know you guys been struggling lately and I’ll even fill your tank at the gas station on the way…” Bill interjected. Then added, “we appreciate you guys taking us. Mike’s BMW is in the shop up the street and Mike’s not been up to driving the last few days…”

 “I know, Bill-I have been driving and/or picking up Mike for his ECT sessions at Rahway Hospital either from the Y or at Dr. Higgins’ office…” Gloria Revealed.

 “Gloria, I thank you much for that-at least Mike is in hands I trust. I wish Mike would have told me, but I do understand that he doesn’t want me to worry more than what I have to already with my own bad health-Mike’s like that-sometimes stays too strong for his own good…” Bill said to Gloria appreciatively.

 “Guys, I appreciate what you guys do for us, too!” Gloria replied.

 Mike turned to Bill and said, “Really, I want to apologize for not telling you. I really should. But when I see you struggle with your health problems and how much you depend on me much of the time, it’s extremely difficult to do so. I always had to stay strong-for my Dad, for my Mom, for Steve, for Debbie Schwarzenkatz-and why I stay strong for you…”

 “I know, Mick-because of your older ones being drunks and drug addicts and assholes…” Bill added.

 “Well, are you guys ready?” Robert asked impatiently.

 Everyone nodded in agreement, got up from their seats and left the apartment.

 After stopping for gas and the repair shop where Schweigermann’s 2004 BMW M3 convertible was being tuned up in Gloria’s old Toyota Corolla, they finally arrive at the South Avenue side of the Westfield Train Station. Mike, Bill, and Robert exit the car by where the Flea Market set up shop in the lot. Then Gloria drove further down to find a parking spot in the train station by the station house.

 No sooner Mike went over to the first produce vendor he encountered, he ran into his and Cope’s old co-worker, Dominick Stanhope. Mike and Rob nicknamed him the Donkey Stunatz. Mike was far from pleased to see him.

 Dominick recognized Mike and greeted, “Mike! What Brings you here-Vegetables to eat-or to use as sex toys??”

 Mike was checking out plum tomatoes and replied, “Come to think of it-both! See these plum tomatoes, I like jamming a couple up my ass before I start fucking myself with a greased cucumber and staining my sheets with the juice like I am having the gay equivalent to period sex…”

 Stanhope looked at him weird and scared and walked away. Robert and Gloria were laughing their asses off-along with a few other people that overheard. But one older woman dressed in Lulemon yoga pants and top with a serious camel toe that looked like a mattress folded in half, was clearly repulsed. She blurted, “You are a disgusting cretin! You are that hairy ape at the YMCA that blasts on your iPod that horrible head banger and skinhead music…”

 “And Yes! It’s so nice to be recognized…and I suppose you are here to purchase Produce here too for improvised sex toys, too…I take immense pride in being a subhuman animal that eats with his hands, pees in beer cans and soda bottles, shits in big pickle jars and brushes his teeth with his fingers while bathing in the creeks and rivers and then has sex with his brothers and cousins-I am a gay redneck…” Mike fired back.

 The middle-aged woman walked away. Then Bill walked to Mike and asked, “what was that all about?

 “Just a couple of humorless fucks that can’t handle seeing me…” Mike replied. “It was the Donkey Stunatz and he asked me what I was doing here. I told him I buy my sex toys here and pointed to the plum tomatoes and told him I like shoving a couple up my ass before I insert the cucumber to make like I am having period sex a having the red juice and seeds run onto the sheets like blood…”

 Bill laughed so hard that he was in pain from hernia surgery a week before. Then reluctantly, asked him who the woman was. Mike told him he didn’t know her by name-but had seen her at the Westfield YMCA several times in the cardio area and the Nautilus Room working out on the machines. Mike told him about the conversation he had with her and laughed even harder to the point he almost had to call an ambulance for him.

 After all of them made their rounds and purchased a few bagfuls of fruits, vegetables, and a few home baked pies, they head back to Gloria’s car to put in the trunk. Mike then suggested, “Guys! How about we go to Duke’s instead of Hershey’s?”

 Everyone nodded in agreement. They crossed the street and made their way into Duke’s Deli. A few of Mike’s BMX buddies were there with their bikes flipped on their handlebars and seats by the big window overlooking the train station and South Avenue. Mike knew them from the Bike shop up the street-Pro Tour Cycles. Mike bought and had serviced three BMX bikes from there and would go all over the NY/NJ area riding with them.  

 “What Up, Guys!” Mike Greeted four of the BMX’ers and three Skateboarders Mike went riding the ramps and street areas with. Schweigermann was a Street Skateboarder and a Street/Flatland BMX rider and stayed with it well into his 30’s-40’s.

 One of them asked, “Mike! Where you been?? Gary at Pro Tour finally snapped together a BMX team and a couple of the ‘Boarders made the team for Out of Bounds on Route 22…”

 “Oh, yeah, Jeremy? That’s Great!! Where’s Macaulay, my fellow flatlander??”

 “He’s at the Rutgers Flat Jam Contest in New Brunswick…” Jeremy replied.

 “He will snag at least second place-he’s mad good!” Mike said.

 Mike then turned to Bill, Gloria, and Robert and suggested, “Guys, go order a grab a table-order me my old standby with fries and a cup of mud...By the way, these are the guys from the bike shop and the skateboard shop I go riding with sometimes. Here’s Jeremy, John, Milton, George, Paul, Rich, Steve, and Marcella…” Marcella was a Skater chick in her 20’s.

 Then Mike heard a commotion and argument outside on the corner where Duke’s was.

 Mike stepped outside and saw the woman that insulted him at the Farmers Market earlier giving a couple of young skateboarders a hard time. Mike walked up to them and asked, “What’s Going on here??”

 The blonde-haired boy, no older than maybe 12 or 13, replied, “This mean old lady called the cops on us for skateboarding here...”

 “Is that so, guys? I’ll be back in a second” Mike said, seeing a road crew patching up a couple of potholes by the gas station next to the train station. Mike walked up to a worker with a spade in hand. Mike pulled out a $50.00 Bill for the shovel and walked back with it. The boys were scared shitless Mike was going to beat them with it. The Woman was enthralled at that same thought.

 But Mike walked up to the woman holding it out like he’s going to hand it to her. Mike said to her as he pointed the handle to her,

“Here, You Miserable Bitch! Here’s a Shovel-GO BURY YOURSELF WITH IT! YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD!! YOUR BODY JUST HASN’T LAID DOWN YET!!!THESE KIDS AREN’T DOING ANYTHING TO HURT YOU…” Mike growled at her like a Siberian Tiger as he threw it at her feet.

 She scampered away and got in her big wonking SUV and drove away. The boys ran across the street to the train station and down the tunnel to the North Ave. Side of the Station.

 Everybody in Duke’s were either by the door or their faces pressed to the glass.

 As Mike walked back into Duke’s, one of the guys he worked out and played Roller Hockey on Friday Nights at the Westfield Y walked behind him. His name was George Geronimo but nicknamed, “Hockey George”.

 “Mike, how you are doing, Guy!” George Greeted.

 “Not Bad-Not Bad at All, Hockey George! How You Are doing??”

 “Pretty Good. Miss you at Roller Hockey on Friday Nights, Mike!

 “Miss it too, George!! Hopefully, in a couple of weeks, I’ll make an appearance…You still a Season Ticket Holder for the Rangers? If you got an extra or two, like to start going to games at the Garden again…”

 “I’ll keep you in mind, Mike! Great seeing you…”

 “You, too, George!” Mike concluded as Hockey George was heading out the door with an order he phoned in.

 Without further ado, Mike sat down to eat his cold cheesesteak sub and cold fries. Everyone else finished their meals. Then Mike and his entourage left Duke’s and headed back to the car. A few minutes later, they arrive at the ShopRite supermarket in Garwood. While picking up groceries, Bill had to go to the bathroom bad. Mike stayed outside the door with the cart. The Men’s Room was locked and someone else was in there and another man was waiting outside the door. Bill had to go really bad. So, her tried the Ladies’ Room door and was open and available. He went in and did what he had to do. Then as he was coming out, the Haitian man that took care of the carts outside was getting ready to clean the Ladies’ Room. The Man said to Bill, “That’s the Ladies’ Room…”

 Bill Interrupted and said, “Well, I am a Lady…”

 The Haitian man was shocked and horrified. He ran out the store and by the smoking area, he pulled out of his pocket a set of Rosary Beads and proceeded to say the Rosary.

 Bill walked back to Mike and Mike inquired, “What the fuck happened? The Man that takes care of the carts ran out like he saw the Ghost of Papa Doc Duvalier…”

 “I had to go so bad, I went in the Ladies’ Room and he saw me and told me that was the Ladies’ Room. I told him I was a Lady and he ran out, Mike….”

 Mike laughed so hard, he almost pissed the diaper he was wearing under his shorts and shaking his head in disbelief. Then Mike said, “Let’s get the fuck outta here before we get arrested or hauled away to Carrier in straightjackets…”

 A half-hour later, they all checked out their stuff and hauled it to the car. When they got into the car and Gloria started it, getting ready to pull out of the parking spot, Bill told Gloria And Robert what happened at the restroom area. Gloria laughed so hard, she already had the car in reverse and accidentally stepped on the accelerator pedal instead of the brake. And two guesses whose SUV Gloria’s car T-Boned in the Right Front and Right Rear Passenger doors? The Lulemon Mom with the serious case of Camel Toe!

 She got out of her SUV as Mike exited out of Gloria’s car.

 “What the Fuck-Are you trying to kill me???” She forcefully and angrily asked Mike.

 “No, my friend accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the brake. I am so very sorry, ma’am! Are you okay?” Mike consoled.

 “Thankfully, I am! Are you guys okay??” The Woman asked Mike.

 “Well, apparently, thy must be-they are still laughing at what happened a little while ago…” Mike answered.

 “Oh, you mean when your crossdressing friend used the Ladies’ Room and the Cart Attendant caught him and your friend turned and told him he was a lady? He just called me-I’m his Psychologist…”

 “Again, Doctor! I am so very sorry for today…By the way, my name is Schweigermann-Michael Schweigermann…”

 “My Name is Dr. Jane Hilderbrandt, PhD. My Husband name is Dr. Maurice Hilderbrandt, MD-he’s a Neuropsychiatrist and specializes in Electroconvulsive Therapy…”

 “Nice to meet you, Dr. Hilderbrandt! I know your husband-I am currently one of his patients. And you must know my Psychologist, Dr. Edward Higgson, PhD…The Crossdressing man is my same-sex partner, William Mazek. My friends and neighbors, Gloria and Robert Bumgardner were kind enough to give me and Bill a ride here today-both because my car is being repaired and yesterday morning, your husband gave me my third ECT treatment…”

 “I do know Dr. Higgson-he was one of my professors at Seton Hall when he was a priest! And I have worked with him and his wife Dr. Betty McCreary-still do!”

 “I believe we should get down to the business here with exchanging insurance and license information, and I see the Garwood Police are here to grace our presence, Dr. Hilderbrandt...”

 “Agree, Mr. Schweigermann!”

 The police came and Gloria and Dr. Hilderbrandt exchanged information and called their respective insurance carriers. Mike called his friend and neighbor, Bob Marzo to come and give Gloria a tow and a crowbar to pry the trunk open to retrieve our groceries. Also called Enterprise Car Rental for a rental car for us. Once everything was done, we headed back to home. Once Gloria and Robert dropped Mike and Bill off and put everything away, Mike turned to Bill and asked, “Wanna go down to Point Pleasant Beach and have dinner at Red’s Lobster Pot and hang at Martells and the boardwalk for a while and maybe stop at Barbara Mullins in Freehold?”

 “But the car is in the shop, Mick!” Bill exclaimed.

 “Got a surprise in the garage downstairs…” Mike said.

 “Meet you in front. Be Back, Bill!

 Mike flew out the front door. Mike opened the garage and stood a fully restored, triple black 1971 Pontiac GTO-Bubblegum Pink Eyebrow Stripes, Ram Air, Honeycomb Mag Wheels and all-even a vintage Pioneer AM/FM/Cassette Stereo in the dash. Mike fired it up and drove it to the front of the courtyard of the apartment complex they lived in. Bill was waiting out front and could not believe it. Mike parked it on the street by their apt. Mike walked up to him and said, “Still want to go?”

 “Are you feeling okay enough to drive?”

 “Yes, I am. Let’s get cleaned up and go…”

 An hour later, Mike and Bill climbed into the GTO and rode off to the legendary Jersey Shore.

 (End of Chapter-Next… “BedPan Tostado!”)

Holiday Gift Guide for Homesteaders (and Chicken Lovers)

The 2017 City Girl Farming Holiday Gift Guide for Homesteaders and Chicken Lovers

It’s that time of year again when we all scratch our heads to figure out what to give to to those we love. I’ve put together a few things to help you out this year. Gifts focused on the chicken lovers, the gardeners and the general homesteaders (and folks who long to be homesteaders but aren’t there yet) in your life.  Here I present to you the 2017 Holiday Guide for homesteaders and chicken lovers on your list. May it get your holiday creative juices flowing!

Holiday Gift Ideas for Chicken Lovers

Because I am one of those chicken lovers, let’s start with them first. There is tons of stuff on the market these days that targets chicken fanatics (because our ranks are growing). However, not every chicken-themed object is a good gift.  Here are some I’ve  come across that I think are fun, cool, or somehow unique. Some of them I’ve used as gifts for the chicken lovers in MY life and they’ve been a hit.

Chicken Wine Cork: Okay, this isn’t just another chicken-themed thing. Well, actually, it IS, but it’s hysterical! I’ve bought them for people who have LOVED them. Remember the rubber chicken from childhood? This is that, in miniature form, crafted to fit inside an open bottle of wine. (Bonus: It’s a great conversation starter at parties!) Get it here.

Chicken Stickers or Stamp for Egg Cartons: This is something I’d LOVE, but would feel guilty buying for myself. There’s lots of options out there from stickers to stamps. You can even get them at the City Girl Farming Zazzle store here.

Other Customizable Chicken Items: As a matter of fact, there’s all sorts of customizable chicken related gifts over at the City Girl Farming Store. Mugs, T-shirts. Pillows. Tote Bags. And more. Check out the whole selection here.

Chicken Forage Seeds: I love these for my girls. It’s a variety pack of seeds (Annual Ryegrass, Perennial Ryegrass, Buckwheat, Flax, Millet, Forage Peas, Red Clover, Alfalfa ) specially blended for chickens. They also make for a great bee garden with a variety of cute blooming flowers creating an easy to grow, blooming garden to make everyone happy. My girls LOVE it. Here’s proof (if you look close you can see several hens enjoying the garden:

Chicken Coloring Book: Creative Chickens Coloring Book was a project I modeled after my own flock, combining my quirky personality with their whacky behavior. There are 20 original, hand drawn whimsical chicken drawings to color.  Great for children and adults. You can get it here.

Gifts for the Garden Geeks

Permaculture Cards: This deck of playing cards was thought up by a guy passionate about permaculture. He took his idea to Kickstarter and got it funded and now they’re available. Each card is full of fun facts and great photos to help educate the players of the card game.

Gardening Apron: This isn’t just any gardening apron! The Roo Joey Apron is the ultimate gardening apron with a huge pouch to fill and a chute to empty the pouch without any mess (or residue left behind).

Seeds: Okay this might seem kinda  boring to you, but think about a gardener! SEEDS are everything (and they’re somewhat addictive). There are some great ideas out there. For example, how about an Heirloom Survival Seed Kit?  If you’re worried about being to specific on your selection, what about a gift certificate from a good seed company like Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds or Territorial Seed Company and then they can pick out what they want. (Trust me: a gardener never tires of seeds…of trying new seeds…of stocking up on old favorites…a Seed Catalog is like the toy catalog for kids. Bright, shiny, and oh so alluring.)

Heirloom Beans: This is dinner and seeds all at the same time! Rancho Gordo sells a wide variety of heirloom beans (for eating). Your garden lover can sample savory meals all winter long featuring hard to find heirloom varieties of beans. If they save some along the way, they’ll be able to plant their favorites in the garden next spring. Eat now. Eat Later. What’s not to love about that? (Not to mention that Heirloom beans are WONDERFUL. If you want to know more about them, check out my blog post on the subject–I’m an heirloom bean addict!)

Kid Gardeners: Cute seed kits (that come in egg cartons) and are a variety of themes (pizza, salsa, etc.) but my favorite is the Summer Fun seed kit that contains seeds to grow Birdhouse Gourds, Luffa Sponges, Sensitive Plant, Spaghetti Squash, Big Orange Pumpkins and Mammoth Sunflowers.

Holiday Gift Ideas for Homesteaders (and Homesteader-wannabes):

InstaPot: I LOVE LOVE mine! I’ve been wanting one for over a year and finally got one. I’m not disappointed. If you’re not familiar with the Instapot, it basically does everything: Pressure cooking, slow cooking, sauteing, baking, a warmer, a rice cooker and some models have a yogurt maker. Pretty much everything you need in a kitchen appliance (except for still needing a good blender!) There’s different models, sizes and options all designed to make life easier! Here’s one to look at.

There’s also great InstaPot cookbooks and ideas galore as well as much inspiration on Pinterest for what to cook and how to use this amazing all-in-one machine.

Fermenting Kit: Give the gift of good gut health with a fermenting kit.

Sprouting Kit: Another great gift for good health is a sprouting kit.

A Big Basket of Organic Fruits and Nuts: Even better if you can buy it local.

Local Handmade Gifts: Think soaps, local honey, hand knit items, etc.

Fatwood: I’ve heard people talking about Fatwood, but only recently experienced it. Fat wood is wood kindling that has been made from the base of the tree, where the resin is more highly concentrated. You can light a fire WITHOUT paper or kindling just with 2 tiny pieces of Fatwood. It’s amazing! Plus, added bonus is that it’s all natural. No added chemicals or anything else. And they’re sustainable. They take the stumps from trees that have already been cut and put them to good use.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Fatwood. I’m hooked!

Essential Oils: Give the gift of health (and all sorts of DIY homesteading solutions). I use essential oils daily, both inside and outside the house. I use them on the chickens, too, when they’re sick or wounded. It makes so many things much more simple. And healthy. And non-toxic. If you’re interested in the kind I use, check this out. Or message me. I’d be happy to help you out.

For Homesteading Kids:

Don’t Throw it, Grow it: 68 Windowsill Plants from Kitchen Scraps: This book ROCKS! And it opens the curiosity for kids (and adults!) to see what will grow from the kitchen. (Think: the spices in the cupboard that are still in seed form (not ground), the end of the celery you chop off, etc.) Great book for curious children to open them up to a world of gardening.

Educational (and fun!) Board Game: Wildcraft Herbal Adventure Game. This is a cooperative board game that actually teaches about edible herbs and their uses, focusing on medicinal and first aid situations.

DIY Projects and Time

Lastly, it’s not all about what you can BUY. Sometimes the gift of TIME is the best gift of all and there’s hundreds of ways to do it. For example:

Who wouldn’t love free babysitting so they could go out one night?

Or help painting/fixing/cleaning something around the house/homestead?

What about ‘gift certificate’ for an afternoon of weeding or helping muck out the coop (you might enjoy it more than you think).

I have a friend who just gave a YEAR OF SOUP to someone.  Once a month she makes a big pot of soup and delivers it to her recipient. Mmmm. That sounds wonderful.

Get creative. It doesn’t have to cost anything but a little time.

Or, if you’re into DIY projects, things that I make that are oft-requested items are these:

Lemon Curd

Salsa Verde

Blackberry Jalapeno Jam

(All of the above recipes include canning instructions but don’t let that put you off if you’re not into canning–you can make it fresh and deliver it in a nice jar for refrigerator storage, or put it in cute packages and freeze it.)

Make Pine Cone Fire Starters

Another fun idea I’ve done is make Snowmen in a Jar kits for kids. They were a big hit. (And I even include labels you can print!)

Snowman in a Jar Kit

No matter what you do, nor what you celebrate, when it comes down to it, it’s all about your relationship with people. Hopefully this holiday gift guide for homesteaders and chicken lovers will get your creative juices flowing and you’ll think of even more perfect things than I’ve listed here. Have fun.  And happy holidays!

Holiday Gift Guide for Homesteaders (and Chicken Lovers) was originally posted by My Favorite Chicken Blogs(benjamingardening)