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musette22 · 3 years

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Burning For You

Title: Burning For You Pairing: Chris Evans x Sebastian Stan (Evanstan) Rating: Teen and up Word count: 3.1k A/N: Written for Evanstan Week day 6, a late fill for the Alternate Universe prompt. This silly piece of fluff is entirely inspired by the wonder that is the Mountain Lodge candle from the Yankee Candle Company. Yes, the one that inspired this iconic Tumblr post. The one that smells like Chris Evans.

I was lucky enough to receive one as a gift from the wonderful @howdoyousleep3 and my life hasn't been the same since I smelled it for the first time. Thank you for introducing me to such delights baby K, ilyyy 💖 Also BIG thank you to the @evanstanweek team and to my beautiful beta @rainbowsandcoconut who came up with the outline for this fic when I told her my idea! Love you, boo 😘

Summary: Evanstan AU. Sebastian gets a little carried away when raving about the Mountain Lodge candle to a friend. It leads to an unexpected, fragrant encounter.

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“Listen, D. You’ve gotta smell this candle.” Sebastian leans in closer, nearly knocking over his - third - glass of red. “You know I’m not usually a scented candle kinda guy, but this one…” He closes his eyes and tips back his head, an expression of pure bliss on his face. “Incredible. Glorious. Magnificent.”

“You look like you’re about to pull a Meg Ryan in When Harry met Sally over there, Seb.”

Sebastian straightens, giving Deirdre a meaningful look across the table at the low-key SoHo bar they’re having drinks at. “You kid, but I’m this close. It’s that good, not even exaggerating.”

“Sure you’re not,” Deirdre huffs, lifting her glass and taking a sizeable gulp of her Cosmopolitan.

“Fine, don’t believe me,” Sebastian shrugs. “You know, I pity you for not having experienced the delights of the Mountain Lodge candle, really. If you knew what it smelled like, you’d be singing its praises too, believe me.”

Deirdre rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “Fine, I’ll bite. What does it smell like, Sebastian, pray tell.”

Sebastian sits up eagerly. “It smells…” he starts, “like an evening in that lodge in the Green Mountains we rented with the others a couple of years ago. Remember that? How it felt to relax by the fire after a long day of hiking, the scent of cedarwood and toasted marshmallows in the air?”

“Hmmm,” Deirdre agrees. “That was nice, yeah. But hardly worth busting a nut over, I’d say.”

Sebastian holds up a single finger. “I'm not done. Because this candle doesn’t just smell like the lodge, it also smells like the lumberjack living at the lodge.”

Deirdre frowns. “There was no lumberjack living at the –”

“The metaphorical lumberjack, D, god. Work with me here a little.”

“Oh right, okay. Gotcha.”

“It smells,” Sebastian continues, undeterred, “like soft, worn flannel. Like beard oil and a hint of clean sweat. It smells like a big, strong, gorgeous man who just got done hewing a ginormous tree with his massive axe and cutting it down into firewood, which he’s now using to light the very fireplace in front of which he’ll make sweet, sweet love to you, on the rug that’s actually the skin of a bear that attacked his rescue dog and which this man fought off and killed with his own bare hands.”

“Whooofffff,” Deirdre says, fanning herself with a napkin. “Fine, I’m starting to see the attraction.”

“It smells…” Sebastian goes on, pausing for dramatic effect before delivering his clincher, “like Chris Evans.”

There’s a beat of silence, and then Deirdre groans loudly, sagging back in her chair. “Ughh, shoulda known this was coming. For chrissake, Sebastian, you literally cannot go even one night without bringing up Chris Evans, can you?”

“I totally can,” Sebastian protests, like the mature, professional, Times-employed literary critic he is. “But you don’t understand, D. This candle, it’s actually like they bottled the very essence of Chris Evans and then infused a candle with it. It’s life-changing.”

“Yeah, yeah, you have a permanent boner for Chris Evans, you wanna marry him and have his little bearded babies, tell me something I don’t know,” Deirdre sighs, draining the last of her drink and immediately starting to look around for the waiter to order a new one. Distantly, Sebastian notices the song playing in the background changing to The Smith’s ‘Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want'. Ah, if only.

“Listen to me,” Sebastian insists, unconsciously starting to speak louder, like he’s some small-town preacher trying to make his ignorant clergy see the light. “Deirdre, darling, you’re one of my oldest friends. I wouldn’t lie to you. I swear, when you smell this candle, you too will feel like you’re being engulfed in the embrace of the brilliant, spectacular, totally unique smokeshow that goes by the name of Chris Evans. It’s as if the man himself is wrapping those huge, muscled arms of his around you, crushing you to his wide chest as you tuck your face into the crook of his neck while his beard brushes your temple and you inhale his masculine scent of cologne, sex and clean, honest sweat, I swear to god – D, are you even listening?”

At some point during the last part of Sebastian’s homily, Deirdre’s eyes drifted to a point over his right shoulder and got stuck there.

“Did you just- zone out?” Sebastian asks indignantly, waving a hand in front of her face. She doesn’t even blink. “Hello? Earth to Deirdre.”

“Seb,” Deirdre says, still not looking at Sebastian.

“Oh, I see,” Sebastian barrels on. “Here I am, pouring my heart out, telling you I found a candle that smells exactly like the man of my dreams and you’re just… What are you doing, actually? Are you okay?”

At this point, Deirdre’s eyes have gone comically round, mouth hanging open just a little. “Sebastian,” she repeats, more urgently now – and just as he’s turning his head to find out what put that dumbfounded look on her face, someone nearby clears their throat.

Sebastian startles, looking up at the man who’s appeared next to their table.

“Hi,” the man says in a deep, rich voice.

A deep, rich voice that Sebastian knows all too well. A deep, rich voice that belongs to none other than Chris Evans, Hollywood heartthrob and actual smokeshow, himself.

Oh.

Sebastian gapes while Chris, dressed in dark wash jeans, a red flannel shirt and a brown shearling jacket, smiles at him patiently. He’s all soft-looking beard and strong nose and bulging biceps and long, lean legs, and Sebastian has died and gone to heaven.

“I’m sorry for interrupting,” Chris says, “but was just sitting a table over and I couldn’t help but overhear.”

And from one moment to the next, Sebastian crashes forcefully back to earth. His whole body goes cold, the blood draining from his face so quickly he feels dizzy with it.

Fuck. No. No, no, no. This can’t be happening. There is no way this is actually happening.

Except it is.

Sebastian had just been extremely, loudly and publicly horny about the very guy that’s standing next to him right now. The guy who is no doubt about to give Sebastian a piece of his mind at best, and a right hook to the jaw at worst. And honestly, he’d deserve it.

Since Sebastian wouldn’t even know where to begin apologizing, he says nothing. Just keeps staring at Chris in ever-growing horror, his pulse pounding in his ears so loudly it almost drowns out the miserable sound of Morrissey still pleading in the background.

Chris clears his throat. “So,” he says, bringing up a hand to rub the back of his neck. “This candle smells like me, huh?”

Sebastian groans, hiding his face in his hands. “Shit. Fuck. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean- Oh my god, please, please, please just forget you heard any of that.”

“Why would I want to do that?”

Puzzled, Sebastian chances a glance at Chris from between his fingers. He’s partly still covering his face out of embarrassment, and partly because Chris is so gorgeous in real life that Sebastian isn’t sure he could look at him directly without spontaneously combusting. It’s like staring at the fucking sun. He doesn’t seem too angry, though, thank god. In fact, there’s an amused twinkle in his blue eyes that makes Sebastian’s shoulders relax infinitesimally.

“Because it was incredibly inappropriate?” Sebastian suggests, honestly a bit confused about having to explain this to him.

“I don’t know,” Chris shrugs. “It sounded pretty great. Kinda want to smell it for myself now.”

For some unfathomable reason – probably because unexpectedly seeing his long-time celebrity crush in the flesh broke his brain, Sebastian blurts out, “Oh, I don’t have it with me. It’s back at my apartment.”

Slowly, Chris raises a single eyebrow. The look sends a shiver straight down Sebastian’s spine, from the crown of his head right down to his toes. “Is it now?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian replies breathlessly.

Chris’s gaze drops down to Sebastian’s brown leather boots before slowly travelling back up to his face. “I gotta say, normally someone would at least have to buy me dinner first, but…” He trails off, looking Sebastian straight in the eye before finishing, “I am really curious about this candle.”

“You are?” Sebastian says dumbly, and then “Ow!” when Deirdre delivers an impressively precise kick to his shin under the table. He turns to give her a betrayed look, but when he meets her eyes, with which she’s clearly trying very hard to communicate something to him, he finally catches on. “Oh!” Sebastian whips back around to Chris, staring at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. “I- you- you mean like…” He swallows hard. “You wanna come back to my place to, uh, smell the candle?”

Although Chris’s expression remains amused, there’s a hint of trepidation there as well. “Sure,” he says, smiling crookedly. “If… that’s something you’re up for?”

Sebastian’s mind races. The way he sees it, there are two possibilities. Either Chris Evans is actually standing here in the flesh, propositioning him, or Sebastian hit his head in the bathroom earlier and is actually just lying on the dirty tile floor, hallucinating as a result of severe head trauma. The second option seems by far the most likely, but then, his shin does hurt like a sonuvabitch.

Well, fuck.

Sebastian clears his throat and sits up straighter, running a hand through his longish hair. “I mean, yeah, that’s- wow. That. That would be okay with me, uh huh. You mean like, now?”

“If that works for you?”

Without thinking, Sebastian says, “Well, I’m here with Deirdre –” before letting out another sharp yelp as said Deirdre crushes his toes under her heel. “Jesus, D!”

Deirdre ignores him. “Ohhh, would you look at the time,” she exclaims, holding up her wrist which very much doesn’t have a watch on it. “Boy, it’s much later than I thought. I really oughta get going, early start tomorrow.” She yawns theatrically, then grabs her purse and throws down two twenties on the table. “It was lovely seeing you, Sebastian, Chris… Evans,” she adds, with a wooden nod in Chris’s direction. “Hope you two have a lovely evening, bye now!”

And she’s gone.

They both stare after her for a second, and then Chris chuckles – a low sound that reverberates pleasantly in Sebastian’s chest. “Well,” Chris says, turning back towards him. “It’s nice to meet you, Sebastian.” He holds out his hand. “I’m Chris.”

Sebastian stands, taking Chris’s hand, which is warm and big and ever so slightly calloused, and exactly like Sebastian always imagined. “Yeah, I know,” he says, because he’s cool like that. And then, in a show of bravura that surprises even himself, Sebastian holds Chris’s gaze, tilts his head a fraction, and says, “So uh, my place?”

Chris smiles, casually dropping a few bills on the table, more than enough to cover their drinks, before taking a step to the side to let Sebastian pass. “Lead the way,” he says, lightly resting his hand on the small of Sebastian’s back as they make their way towards the exit.

🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥

It’s only once they’re outside and the cold February night air manages to cool down Sebastian’s overheated brain somewhat that it occurs to him to ask if Chris wasn’t at the bar with anyone.

“I met a friend for drinks but he just left,” Chris explains. “I was just waiting for the bill when I overheard you guys.”

“And you’re sure you don’t have any other plans?” Sebastian asks, because he’s nothing if not a self-sabotaging idiot.

They’re still standing outside the bar, the golden light radiating from a nearby lamppost decorated with a cluster of luminous orbs making Chris look softer, somehow. Still a Hollywood heartthrob, but also charmingly human. Unfortunately, it does absolutely nothing to make Sebastian any less infatuated. If anything, it only endears Chris to him more, which he really didn’t think was possible.

“Not really, no,” Chris replies, amusement in his tone. “I was just gonna go back to my hotel and read for a bit.”

Sebastian perks up at the mention of his area of expertise. “Oh, yeah? What’re you reading?”

“I haven’t started it yet, but it’s this history of space travel? I read a great review of it in the Times the other day, so I thought I’d give it a go.” With a self-deprecating smile, Chris adds, “I’m kind of a space nerd.”

Sebastian blinks. “Not ‘To Infinity and Beyond’, by any chance?”

“That’s the one,” Chris confirms. “You know it?”

“I wrote the review.”

Chris’s eyes go round. “You did not.”

In lieu of replying, Sebastian digs up his wallet from his pocket, takes out his Times-employee card and holds it up for Chris’s inspection.

“Huh,” Chris says, studying the card. “What are the odds.” When his eyes turn back to Sebastian’s, he suddenly breaks out into a grin, wide and boyish. “Well, I guess that explains a thing or two.”

“How do you mean?” Sebastian frowns.

“I mean, that review was brilliantly written so you clearly have a way with words.” With a sly look, Chris goes on, “which explains your colorful descriptions of that candle earlier. The masculine scent of cologne, sex and clean, honest sweat was especially vivid.”

Sebastian groans, dragging a hand down over his face. “Jesus Christ, this is so embarrassing.”

Chris eyes shine with genuine mirth as he laughs, “Hey, come on, don’t worry about it.” He takes a step closer, ducking his head to try and catch Sebastian’s eyes, which are now firmly fixed on the pavement in an attempt to conjure up a hole to swallow him. “Call me a narcissist, but I didn’t exactly hate overhearing a gorgeous guy describing me as the man of his dreams.”

“Oh god,” Sebastian mutters, feeling himself turn a fetching shade of crimson. Trying to hide his blush, he turns around abruptly and nearly walks into the lamppost.

Chris, his savior, his knight in shining armor, manages to grab him by the back of his coat just in time to avoid the imminent collision. Sebastian still stumbles, but strong, capable arms wrapping securely around his waist keep him upright.

Carefully, Sebastian turns in Chris’s embrace so they’re facing each other, though he can’t quite make himself look Chris in the eye yet. “I’m guessing you caught on to this by now,” Sebastian tells the St Christopher pendant resting on Chris’s sternum, “but I’m kind of a disaster.”

Chris just hums, lifting a hand to tilt up Sebastian’s chin with his index finger, a small smile playing on his lips. “A beautiful one, though,” he whispers into the negligible space between them, before he closes that space and presses soft, full lips to Sebastian’s own.

Sebastian can’t suppress the small sound that escapes him when their lips meet, eyes closing on instinct as he lets himself sink into the kiss. Lets Chris take charge and coax open Sebastian’s mouth by running the tip of his tongue along the seam of his lips. Sebastian doesn’t think twice about letting him in. When their tongues touch, sweet and soft and languid, he trembles, pressing closer. Chris tastes a little like beer, and while Sebastian’s never been overly fond of beer, it takes approximately two seconds of being kissed by the hottest man on the planet for it to magically turn into Sebastian’s new favorite taste. Ever.

The kiss starts off slow; a little cautious maybe, as if Chris still isn’t entirely sure it’s welcomed. But then Sebastian’s hands find their way to Chris’s waist, fingers gripping tightly, and Chris slides a hand into Sebastian’s hair, angling his head gently to the left to deepen the kiss – and suddenly, Sebastian’s entire body feels like it’s on fire. He moans, relishing the feel of Chris's soft beard scratching at his clean-shaven cheeks, and way Chris takes control of the kiss, like something right out of every embarrassing fantasy he's ever had.

When Chris hums against his lips, as if he’s enjoying this just as much as Sebastian is, Sebastian’s knees go all weak and useless. It’s a good thing that Chris is there, tightening his left arm around his waist and pulling him more securely against the hard lines of his own body – which actually doesn’t do a thing to help Sebastian’s current knee situation. He whimpers, curling his hands into the fabric of Chris’s coat to anchor himself.

When Chris finally breaks the kiss, he doesn’t go far. His breathing has deepened, warm puffs of air caressing Sebastian’s tingling, wet lips. Sebastian exhales shakily. The way his head is spinning might be partially due to the wine, but it's definitely mostly because of Chris sweeping him off his feet with his smooth, movie star ways.

Needing a moment to gain his composure before he speaks, Sebastian buries his face in the crook of Chris’s neck, taking a deep, steadying breath –

Oh.

“I fucking knew it,” he groans.

Sebastian feels rather than hears Chris’s quiet laugh; feels the vibrations of it shake his broad chest under Sebastian’s palms. “Yeah? Do I really smell like your candle?”

“Better,” Sebastian mutters. On instinct, he presses his lips against Chris’s exposed neck, eliciting a shiver from him.

“You know,” Chris rumbles into Sebastian’s ear. “I still think I need to smell this magical thing for myself. Make sure you’re not just flattering me to get into my pants, y'know?”

Christ.

“Yeah,” Sebastian nods. “Definitely, good thinking. Empirical evidence is paramount. In fact, it’s totally possible I’m just mixing things up right now because my brain’s all” – he makes a poof motion with his hands, trusting Chris will get his drift – “so I think maybe I’ll need to do some comparative research.”

Chris tilts his head in though. “Hands-on research?”

“I think that’s best, yes,” Sebastian concurs.

“Right. Well, out of the two of us, you’re definitely the higher educated one, so I’m just gonna take your word for that.” After a beat, Chris adds, “as long as I get to test a theory or two of my own.”

“Oh?” Sebastian licks his lips. “Such as?”

The wicked glint in Chris’s eyes is the only warning he gets before Chris is sliding his hand back into Sebastian’s hair and giving it a firm, experimental tug.

“Ah,” Sebastian breathes, his eyelids fluttering, the blood rushing south so fast he feels dizzy – again.

Chris grins smugly. “Such as that.”

“Okay,” Sebastian croaks. “Yeah, that seems fair.” Wasting no more time, he reaches out to grab Chris’s free hand and starts to pull him along the pavement in the direction of his apartment.

Chris, laughing as he squeezes Sebastian’s hand, follows closely behind.

🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥

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#evanstan week 2021 #evanstan #rpf #chris evans x sebastian stan #chris evans #sebastian stan #my fic #my writing #heeeyyyy look at that I still write!#just took a little break #sorry about that 😅#hope you enjoy!!

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whatiwillsay · 3 years

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submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me. but i am very emotional right now. i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience. ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support. have you been financially impacted by this? we can raise money. do you need therapy? we can help you find the support you need. this community is unequivocally here for you. whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will. you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this. i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened. this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do. this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

#submission #tw: abuse #tw: homophobia

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 3 years

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Enzo anon here - the more this era is progressing, my theory about gaymila being used as damage control and for profit seems to be happenening.

I have some thoughts that I know many other CS share, i think it would be good to summarise what i’ve seen on different blogs into one post as well as adding my own theory. So this will be a long one but i hope you guys find it insightful and Stuck thank you again for giving me a space on your blog!

Let’s look back on CC2 and the aftermath of its release. A quick disclaimer : I’ll only be addressing her situation in terms of the social/PR aspect as we have no idea what other factors might be at play such as contracts and money etc.

It’s fair to say that C was and is not in a good place reputation wise. Señorita was of course a smash hit but was mostly used to promote S. Her fans complained about C almost becoming a double act with S. These fans understandably signed up for C, not S and so subsequently most of them unfollowed her on SM and stopped paying attention to her to escape the constant Showmila. For the GP, Showmila became a mockery and so it’s asking a lot from her fans to stay when she was constantly embarrassing herself to the point that it made it uncomfortable for them. Of course with this comes the racist controversies also involving Normani which brought back the entire 5H feud. This put C even further than she already was against LAND and so the narrative that she was hated by the other girls for being obnoxious and attention seeking was further reinforced by her being racist towards N. All of this made/makes Camila extremely easy to hate, to the public she seems like a privileged straight girl who has never once had any sort of difficulty or obstacle in her life.

On the CS side of the fandom, many having left after having enough of the Showmila circus, leaves very few CS to fight back against the narrative. Even more leave after Lauren’s bombshell of a podcast. For example, this graph from google trends show how searches for “camren” or “camila cabello camren” are/were decreasing.

We know that CS are a very large part of C’s fanbase so who are we left with ? Many solo C stans all have converted into SS accounts and again even then S takes the main focus, not C. So… its not looking good, having people being fans of yours only for your relationship is a risky move business wise. We’ve all wanted Showmila to end for a long while and we definitely can all agree that the end is long overdue, infact a lot of us believe that had there not been the pandemic they would’ve broken up a while ago. So where does C stand now? Well, in my opinion, after this entire circus (which unfortunately is still ongoing) C is in a very vulnerable position. How does she promote her upcoming album with so much of her fanbase gone? Perhaps a big break up album? That option doesn’t sound great when she most likely will get the short end of the stick narrative wise and be further disliked by the little fans she does has left. If Camila doesn’t have Shawn anymore, the SS will most likely all disappear leaving her with a very limited amount of people who have the guts to actually publicly support her. Another option she could have is to keep riding on this relationship until people get bored, only that’s already happening and Showmila does not have the punch it once did to get a second Señorita. What about a fake pregnancy or a marriage? God we hope not and I really believe that Camila would do anything in her power to avoid that as we’ve seen how extremely unhappy she seems just being his girlfriend. For all we know Shawn might be very against this idea too and even if they did go along with it would it really be enough to promote CC3 ? After a few weeks the excitement would have died down again and leave them both back to square one. Not to mention that C getting married/pregnant would make even some of her most dedicated fans leave for good and would still not be enough to get her out of the racist accusations.

This is where my theory comes into play, however i think her team will only follow through with this if they are smart and if they aren’t actually sabotaging her. This past year I watched as Taylor Swift released her two albums and broke numerous records and achieved incredible success. I do not think this success would’ve been achieved had it not been for the insane rise in speculation over her sexuality due to her new songs. T is of course a household name, she’s earned her place amongst the top artists of this generation but people were starting to get bored hearing dramatic songs about her oh so difficult love life being a straight white girl. This is why when folklore and evermore came out there was so much buzz and excitement about T possibly being LGBTQ to the point that it found it’s way to the GP. People were wondering what these gay songs with gay lyrics were and so they went to listen for themselves. Eventually tons and tons of extra streams and talk generated from people who would’ve otherwise never paid attention. Myself included. You can see below on google trends the massive increase in online searches for “gaylor swift”. The gaylor side of tumblr also expanded as there had never been so many songs with so much queer interpretations to analyse and discuss and more and more of the GP were getting curious enough to read the blogs. Regardless if you think Taylor is gay or not, the general public discussing it was an essential part in improving her image for Gen Z and promoting her albums thus creating $$$ for her team and label.

Keeping this in mind, I believe that C might (not having many options left to salvage her career/reputation) take a page out of TS’s book and have an era that will attract more LGBT fans than ever before. We’ve seen how camren is slowly coming back. Even just by C liking a picture of L’s it was enough to bring back out a whole lot of fans who had abandoned her. Her team see this, they know this, they are aware. If talks of Camila being gay will generate more $$$ they will use that to their advantage and push out the new gay narrative as much as they can. I don’t think she will explicitly come out any time soon, and i don’t think that they will “confirm camren” but this era will definitely set her up for it in the future like the way it has for TS and it will give her a stable fanbase for a long while, which at the moment she is in dire need of.

Although C would’ve probably liked her relationship with L to remain private I think she may have no other choice but to use it more than she ever has before to save herself. Sadly no amount of self improvement and apologies will ever erase her racist past, it will follow her forever and people will never stop talking about it, unless there’s something more interesting to discuss. That’s the way the internet works, a photo of camren together in 2021/2022 would generate more buzz than anything Showmila related. Not only would all of the CS who left come back but all the anti-CS would be talking about it too and an entire wave of new fans would be interested enough to join. There would be no room to talk about Camila Cabello being racist when Camila Cabello is actually gay/dating Lauren Jauregui is the new talk.

Of course this entire process will not be instant but we can see that they are building up to something like that. Perhaps Camren being public friends again which would still generate a ton of talk as it did back in the 5H days. She will not instantly break up with S and then be seen making out with L the next day but I do think that although it wasn’t her or her teams plan to use her relationship/sexuality, i think she has no other choice if she ever wants to gain favour with the public again. Let’s not forget that the rest of 5H seem to be on their way to having new music out very very soon and just as camren worked to promote 5H in the old days it will work again in 2021/2022. This would encourage her team even more to follow this route as it would suit everyone, even if they no longer are a group they will always be connected.

We shall wait and see what happens, of course circumstantial situations may arise to cause them to switch up their plans but for now all this 5H, camren and gaymila interactions are no coincidence. That’s for sure.

This concludes my very long post! thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, thank you again to Stuck and if anyone has anything else to add that i might have missed or any questions don’t hesitate! I love hearing what everyone else has to say. To clarify these are all my personal thoughts and speculations and I am not claiming to know anything for certain.

____

Wow, I didn't expect to be a window into another great submission from my dear buddies, but Enzo, I loved your post. And I really totally agree with you in what you mentioned.

The truth is that it is true, Camila has been selling her LGBT + agenda of hers since 2020 and even long before because I always had the theory that she would be let out after having a big heterosexual PR circus. This PR circus with the diva is that circus and what we have been seeing, because it checks all our theories.

As for Gaymila, she has always been there. More crushed with the fucking circus shit maybe, but she's always been there and one thing I want to emphasize is that most of Camila's fandom other than SS or homophobic, would accept Camila out of the closet, ALWAYS AND WHEN NOT WITH LAUREN.

That is why I think Camila would have more followers if the aforementioned are left aside, because they would have no problem supporting her and we would be more, considering that those clowns are partly paid fans and bots.

I don't think she will even give him permission to leave her, but if she does it is because that would also be part of her contract. Of her agreeing to do all this theater of the absurd with the circus, as long as they let her out at the end.

The fucking shit hole that is the industry knows that it has to please its LGBT + audience because we are the ones who support artists the most. The main audience for them may always be heterosexuals, but when they get bored and look for something else, the ace up their sleeve will always be the community and with the examples that you have given my dear Enzo, that is proof of it.

The thing with Camila is that she's never been in the closet. They forced her into a closet and that's different. Camila always felt good being herself and they have tried to cover that with different types of circuses since she was in the band because it is what suits business.

What we are seeing now with Camila is that, a double agenda, that of the circus managed by the idiots behind it and Camila's own agenda that lets us see Gaymila from time to time.

And when I talk about an agenda, I do not do it in a negative way but as something that she must have already planned.

My theme now is that it will come in that aspect. I don't think I'm waiting for a circus engagement or a lavender marriage, but I do hope that Camila can set Gaymila freer every time. Unfortunately, everything else is still very screwed up and this circus just represses it more and more.

The problem is that as long as she does not regain some control over her career and her image, no matter how small, nothing will change.

#submission #enzo anon #love you buddy

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isoldmysoultojonahclemence · 3 years

Text

JONAH’S EVER AFTER ON IKEREV TW

I CAN’T I--

HIS RELEASE CAMPAIGN CAME OUT YESTERDAY BUT I ONLY SAW IT A FEW MINUTES AGO BC I WAS ON VACATION I CAN’T BELIEVE I MISSED THIS WHAT KIND OF JONAH STAN AM I

THIS MEANS THAT JONAH’S ROUTE CAMPAIGN WILL BEGIN SOMEWHERE AROUND LATE OCTOBER OR EARLY NOVEMBER IN THE ENGLISH VERSION SO MARK YOUR CALENDARS

I’m putting the rest of this under a cut for length bc I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY

[Translation:

“On the 1 in a hundred million chance that I cannot marry you into the Clemence family, then I’m prepared to abandon my family.”

Whether it’s to build a family together, or to receive happiness together. For the one you love, the path you should take to the future is...

“You’re really too much. Don’t say something like...I’m sorry.”

The eyes that are brighter than the fireworks in the sky overflow with tears, and turn into strength to overcome the mirror blocking our path.

“When it’s only the two of us, I’m just Jonah...and I want to spoil you as much as I like.”]

ASDFKJWEIH;KAFJJE;LSAKFSD

I CAN ALREADY SENSE THE ABSOLUTE ANGST IN THIS ROUTE

IN HIS ORIGINAL ROUTE HE HAS TO ABANDON THE RED ARMY AND NOW IN HIS EVER AFTER HE HAS TO ABANDON HIS FAMILY TOO????? ESPECIALLY AS WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THE CRIMSON LINEAGE MEANS TO HIM??????????????????

And something I also really like is how the themes from the original route extends into his sequel, like the parts about “never apologizing” and “I can only be myself when I’m with you.” It just makes it feel more like a sequel and adds a better sense of completion uwu

ALSO JONAH’S TEARS ARE GOING TO DESTROY ME Y’ALL WILL SEE ME SOBBING ON TUMBLR WHEN I GET TO THAT PART

Here’s the mini talk list:

Luka + Sirius: please tell me about your families!

This one is already out, so here’s the screenshots!

[Translation:

Sirius: My home is always full of flowers, it’s a place that makes your mood lift.

Luka: Yeah...as opposed to Sirius’s family, mine was very quiet.

Luka: Even though it had always been pretty quiet...but ever since “that person” left home, it became even quieter.

Luka: Maybe it was because my family weren’t interested in me, so that’s why it feels so quiet.

Sirius: Haven’t you ever had experiences of playing noisily with Jonah in your home before?

Luka: No. We’re different from Sirius’s family...but there was only one time.

Luka: When I was young, that person had brought me out secretly before.

Luka: The both of us ran around and played in the secret courtyard that person found...

Luka: Until the skies grew dark.

Sirius: ...Is that so. Where is that courtyard full of memories? Is it close to your home?

Luka: I don’t know, I can’t remember...but, it doesn’t matter if I can’t remember it.

Luka: Now I think...it’s alright if that courtyard only exists in my memory.]

*deep breath*

ALKL;KCVKNCKDSA;KWOIWQOIK;FDMX;LZDS;ALKSJFA;LKJ

AKD;XJCEWQ8RJEIU;ANFVDFJSVVF’WDOIJ

;NWEFFKKGDMZXCKCERTIIUIBRI;JDSFJSMF;JLAEKF;LEQKJBNCM

FIRST OF ALL

A SECRET COURYARD???????? THAT JONAH FOUND?????????????? AND BROUGHT LUKA THERE TO PLAY???????????????????????? BUT ONLY ONCE???????????????????????????????????

I wonder how he managed to find it? But also it was to be expected that he would bring Luka bc he always wants to share what he loves with Luka (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

Also just imagine the little Clemence bros running around and playing (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡ ♡ ♡

But like...

OH MY GOD LUKA WHAT HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

It’s so sadddddddd to think that the Clemence house got even quieter when Jonah left. Also I can’t figure out if Jonah “leaving” means that he left to go to boarding school or if he left to join the Red Army, but that was probably when Luka started to hate Jonah for abandoning him. I can’t imagine what it’s like to grow up in such a quiet and cold place and to have it grow even quieter and colder when the one person you thought cared about you left because now he has other things that are more important than you (/□＼*)・゜

Edgar + Kyle: can love between people of different social statuses exist?

The rest of these aren’t released at the moment I wrote this, so I’m mainly just going to be addressing my predictions!

So it’s clear that Jonah and MC are considered to be from different social ranks, even though MC is “Alice the Second” and has the power to nullify magic. She’s probably considered as a “commoner” in the Red Territory, so I can see why it would be difficult for Jonah and MC to get married.

And you know what else this reminds me of??? If we look at Seth’s route, we finally find out that the whole reason Cradle got divided into two was because a Red noble fell in love with a girl from a different social rank. And that romance tore a country apart, so.

Dean + Dalim: about family

Aight here we go. Are Dean and Dalim really family??? Do we finally get to find out??? Or at least get some sort of clue??? Bc I’m torn between the theory that they’re twins with amnesia or if Dean was some sort of clone created by the Magic Tower when they experimented on Dalim. And I have no idea when their routes are gonna be released, so I really hope we get more hints throughout each Ever After route.

Lancelot: Jonah’s tears

THIS IS THE SECOND MINI TALK THAT WILL DESTROY ME AFTER THE LUKA + SIRIUS ONE.

Also this is a reminder that Lancelot was probably the only one who has seen Jonah at his weakest before MC came along. It’s probably to be expected, since they’ve known each other for literally more than half their lives and also since Lancelot saved Jonah.

And technically Luka has known Jonah for the longest time, but I doubt that Jonah will ever show weakness in front of Luka because he considers himself as Luka’s protector, but it’s different in front of Lance. I feel like he can show his weaker side to Lance, and it just emphasizes how deep the relationship between them is.

SO GET READY FOR THE JONALOT FEELS WHEN THIS ONE COMES OUT.

Jonah: what is your ideal proposal?

OK I feel like this one is either gonna be super romantic or super cheesy. Or both, considering the type of person that Jonah is. But I’m gonna love it no matter what bc 1) Jonah can make even the most embarrassing situations funny and touching and 2) I’m too weak for my mille-feuille boi.

The screenshots for the “Peek at Romance” thing is here:

[Translation:

My dear Queen of Hearts, Jonah Clemence.

Jonah: In that party, every heir of the Clemence family will...

Jonah: Publicly introduce his fiancee, receive the acknowledgment and blessing of the whole clan, and finally step into the halls of marriage.

“What is a happy ending?”

--It’s when, the person who cannot be replaced becomes family.

Luka: Even though my brother is troublesome, and sometimes overly enthusiastic, but from now on please take care of him.

--It’s when, you become allies with the person you met.

Levie: Who hurt MC!? I’ll destroy that guy...!

Jonah: Calm down, Levie Castell. See who’s your true enemy clearly!

When he couldn’t provide an answer, it made tears overflow from his eyes.

And--while looking for an answer, it’s also possible to lose something.

Dalim: Thanks. Goodbye, princess.

Dean: I couldn’t ask any of the things I’ve been wondering before he ran...

But even so, we will still advance forward bravely.

This is all to receive the answer--to have a happy ending.

Jonah: From now on, everyone will see you as...

Jonah: The Queen of Heart’s...and also the head of the Clemence family’s wife.

Jonah: But, when there’s no one else, and when it’s just us two.

Jonah: We’ll become Jonah and MC again, and we can love each other as much as we like.

Jonah: I love you, MC.

No matter what happens, he, who is the most beautiful and pure in the world...

Will only accept a future that is even better than a happy ending...!]

I just...literally cannot express my love for this summary.

First of all I’m just gonna talk about the tone. Right off the bat MC calls him “my dear Queen” and it was just. So. CUUUUUUUUUUTE.

Also, the question and theme of “a happy ending” is brought up, and the rest of the sneak peek answers that question (it’s when the people you love become your family and the people you meet becomes your allies), but also explores how they could find those answers (Jonah crying when he couldn’t find an answer and advancing forward bravely because they just want their happy ending). And finally we finish it off with a super Jonah-like statement, announcing that he’ll accept no less than the most perfect ending of them all!

Moving on to the information revealed...it’s pretty cool how there’s a special party for the next head of the Clemence family when they’re ready to announce their marriage and gain approval. Also, it’s kinda wild to think that Jonah will eventually become a head of the family just like his father and his grandfather before that.

AND THE PART WITH LUKA AND LEVIE ARE LITERALLY SO ADORABLE. LIKE, LUKA INSULTING JONAH BUT ALSO LEAVING HIM TO MC AND LEVIE DEFENDING MC FROM PPL WHO WOULD HARM HER IS 10/10 PERFECT

Also it seems that Dean and Dalim’s backstories might be explored more but won’t be resolved just yet. I guess we really do have to wait until their routes get released to find out.

In short, this was an amazing summary of the route. WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER MONTH UNTIL I CAN FINALLY READ THE WHOLE THING???????????????????????????

Also FYI, this is all completely new to me. For the other characters’ sequels, I played it through on Ikerev JP bc I can’t wait until the releases in the TW and English version that’s like, a year later. But I didn’t read Jonah’s sequel bc my Japanese isn’t super good and I wanted to read my man’s story in a language that I can completely understand so I literally have no idea of what to expect apart from what I found out in the campaign release :3

Also also I’m probably gonna be posting for every part in the story I’m going through BC I JUST LOVE JONAH THAT MUCH. I guess it would make up for my inactivity this month ^^;

#ikemen revolution #ikerev #jonah clemence #ikerev jonah #jonah's sequel #ever after #i SCREECHED when i saw the announcement #no joke #i thought it would only come out during september #so that was definitely a pleasant surprise #i need to quickly stock up on story tickets this month #i only have around 45 rn #which means i can only read 9 parts at once #THAT IS SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH

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bottlesandcats · 3 years

Note

hiii!! i hope it's okay to just ask you, i really want to start writing fanfiction but i'm so embarrassed of my writing style and in general, ever showing it to anyone? do you have any tips for beginners? 🥺

Hey there Anon! Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but I was at work when I saw your ask, and wanted to really think about what to say before responding. With that in mind, I hope you don't mind a really lengthy answer.

I have to say I’m incredibly flattered to have someone ask me for writing tips, and will do my best to provide some insights based on my own experience. I'm no expert, but I've done a lot of writing both academic and creative. Of course, it goes without saying that the following strategies are what work for me, personally. Everyone works and thinks differently, so some of my suggestions may not fit the way you work and that's totally okay!

Because I am an anal nerd, I've organized my responses into categories.

Writing Style

Firstly, remember that your writing style is unique to you and you have nothing to be embarrassed about! But honestly, I think a lot of writers feel the same way; I don’t actually like my fiction writing style, either, and am always working to improve it.

One thing I’ve found that helps: find authors whose style you really like, and read and reread their stories and study how they write. What’s their sentence structure like? How do they write dialogue? How do they set up scenes? Is it through dialogue or more through the use of a character’s thoughts? This is what I do. I have three authors, who all write in a particular way that I really love, that I tend to reread and study for inspiration. Just know that your style is not set in stone and you do have the ability to adjust it, it just takes practice.

At the end of the day it's easy to wish we could write like our favorite authors, but don't be too hard on yourself; your style is special, too!

Getting Started

When I used to write research papers in school, I was a big fan of creating outlines before I'd start writing the actual paper. However, for creative writing, I don't use outlines because I find that I'm constantly changing things around. The outline would either have to be so basic in order to allow for flexibility that it wouldn't be of much use, or it would become irrelevant three chapters in.

Writing that first sentence is probably the hardest part of writing a story. What I did, for the story I'm working on now, is picked a part that I was really excited to write about and just started with that, first (I'm pretty sure it was something that comes much later in my story, that I haven't even posted yet). That helped me to get really into the process and feel confident about what I was doing, which made it easier to move onto other sections. What I'm trying to say is don’t be hemmed in by feeling like you have to write sequentially. I tend to write scenes as they come to me; I don’t force myself to write consecutive chapters, if that makes sense. For example, in my current story, I had chapter 14 finished before chapter 11 bc I had a burst of inspiration and just wrote it all out. Just be aware that sometimes this can lead to you writing yourself into a corner (which did happen to me in this fic), but the beauty of it all is that it’s your story and you can change whatever you want!

If you’re writing a story with chapters, keep a point in mind. My beta reader actually taught me this. With each chapter, ask yourself “What is the goal of this chapter?” Think of chapters as mini stories that, when combined and read in order, create one big story (duh). Therefore each chapter should ideally have a purpose that moves the overall story forward.

Write about what you know. If you don't know -> research

Authenticity is really important to me. I have googled the most random shit for this story: "Did soldiers have to repair their own uniforms in WWII?" "Popular slang of the 30s and 40s." "How to make jambalaya." "Popular cigarette brands of the 30s."

I have also been very careful around race in my story as it involves POC and I'm as white as white gets (I got a hyphenated name and everything). When I address a character's emotions around race I try to match it to how they acted in the show/movie. I don't rely on conjecture or how I think they'd feel, bc as a white person, it's impossible for me to truly know what it's like to be a POC. This also goes for dialogue; it can be easy to turn people into caricatures. I've watched TFATWS at least three times, and have watched numerous interviews with Anthony Mackie to try and make sure I write dialogue and emotion that fits him as an individual and not a stereotype. It's not perfect, and I'm sure I've made some mistakes, but it's something that's really important to me and I try my damndest to make sure Sam Wilson comes across as authentic.

Getting Edits

I see a lot of people suggest sharing your work with friends or family to get feedback. I'm not really a fan of this because I'm pretty private about my writing. I don't want anyone that I know reading it bc, frankly, I'm embarrassed (hey look how we came full-circle there!). Besides AO3, Tumblr is the only space that I feel comfortable enough to share my work without fear of judgement. I think the preferred alternative is to get yourself a beta reader. This is the first fic that I've worked on with a beta reader and...wow, what a huge difference it has made! I found my beta reader when he posted on tumblr expressing an interest in beta'ing, and so I messaged him (hey @3dg310rdsupreme). It’s the best decision I ever made. He has truly made me a better writer, and my current in-progress fic wouldn’t be nearly as good without him offering edits, acting as a sounding board, and reigning in my excessive use of lengthy paragraphs (he will probably cringe at these paragraphs, here).

Posting Your Story

If/when you do decide to post your story in a public forum, try to maintain a loose posting schedule. When I first started uploading I committed to a chapter a week, but by the eighth chapter I was getting too stressed and found myself glued to my computer 24/7 trying to keep up. Hold yourself to goals so you don't wind up abandoning the fic, but remember that you are your own boss and this is meant to be fun, so go easy on yourself. I'd also recommend getting several chapters finished BEFORE you even post the first one, to give yourself a head start. You think you have plenty of time but it's surprising how much time edits and rewrites can take.

It can be really scary to share your work with others. Writing is really hard, can be very personal, and it's an incredibly vulnerable feeling to put yourself out there like that and leave yourself open to the judgements of others. I was terrified when I first started to upload chapters because I just wasn't sure what reader etiquette was like. The last time I posted a fic was on FanFiction.net almost 10 years ago and ppl did not hold back their criticism (I think things have vastly improved since then or maybe AO3 readers are just nicer). I can't emphasize this enough: you are not obliged to take readers' criticisms/feedback whether they are constructive or not. I don't ever leave criticisms or corrections when I comment on other writers' stories; I honestly don't feel it's my place to do anything other than support them as they are sharing their talents for free. Some writers welcome constructive criticism, and will typically state that in the notes if they are open to it. I do not; it's why I have a beta reader. I did have one reader post a public comment correcting me on a couple things (one of which was a misunderstanding on their part) and I politely requested that in the future any corrections should be sent to me privately, not publicly shared.

Wow...I think that's a good start. I really hope at least some of these tips will be useful to you! Thanks for reaching out, feel free to do so again, and if you ever want to send some pages my way you are more than welcome to! Just remember, be kind to yourself and have patience bc seriously…

#seriously this turned out way longer than planned i'm so sorry anon #but i had a lot of feelings and thoughts to share and i'm just so flattered you think highly enough of me to ask #long post #asks #writing is hard #tips for writers #writing #creative writing #good investments #but also invest in yourself #fan fiction

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tomhardysteeth · 4 years

Note

u wanna say anything for spn ending? Today's their last day of filming

Yeah sure! I love how you worded this ask, it makes me want to give a very serious answer. I’ve been rewatching random episodes the past few days and thinking about how much of my life was shaped by this random lil tv show, both positively and negatively, so here we go.

I started watching Supernatural during my junior year of college, when I was grappling with being gay and religious, and had a pseudo-girlfriend who was emotionally abusive. I remember I started watching the show because I had been on tumblr for a while and thought, well this is a popular show on tumblr and looks like something I’d enjoy, so I might as well try it. I remember barely paying attention to the first season and thinking it was kind of silly, and I distinctly remember making fun of it right up until the season 1 finale when that truck slammed into the Impala and I said oh.

I remember sitting in the dining hall between classes, hiding in a corner with my pink headphones and my laptop, watching one episode after the other, completely consumed by it. My personal life was a mess at the time and I was angry and sad and frustrated, but I could forget about everything for a little while when I watched spn. I remember falling in love with Dean Winchester, season 3, when Sam gave him the amulet.

Because I had already spent a lot of time on tumblr, I knew about Castiel. I couldn’t wait to get to season 4, the anticipation killed me. I didn’t really have a choice in shipping destiel, I literally shipped it before I even watched a single episode of the show lol. My first time watching seasons 4 and 5, I remember how mad I would feel every time the opening credits scrolled at the bottom of the screen and Misha Collins wasn’t listed. I cared about almost nothing but Dean and Cas interacting with each other. I was totally enamored by them, by their potential. At some point I got over that and watched the show because I liked the show, but boy did my heart and brain break for destiel.

I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. I started coming out to more people, including people involved in the Christian campus ministry I was heavily involved in, and it was very very hard. It was 2013. The first episode of Supernatural I watched live was the episode where Dean turns into a fucking dog.

I don’t remember when I started reading fanfic, and I had no idea how to read fanfic. A friend invited me to ao3, what is ao3? I didn’t know. I used my email address as my username. I read Twist and Shout and Pie Without Plot and other very popular fics that I knew about because everybody knew about them. I vividly remember the first fics I read because I was 21 years old and had never had an orgasm in my life and believed sex was sinful and so when the sex scenes in fics turned me on, I felt guilty about it.

I quickly got over that and started writing explicit destiel fanfic.

I still had no idea what I was doing. I know the very first fic I ever wrote was a mess, I’ve completely erased all traces of it, but other than that I began posting with abandon. Pretty much everything I’ve ever written for spn is still on tumblr and/or ao3. I was running a Hannibal blog at the time and started posting more Supernatural content than Hannibal content, so I created a sideblog, @deancasheadcanons, and things very quickly got out of hand after that.

I was depressed, I was confused, I was spending my last couple years of college trying to figure out my sexuality, trying to hold onto a religion that was rejecting who I was becoming, trying to find my identity while picking a career path and being sad and being pulled in a hundred different directions. Sometimes I was working three jobs at once, on top of 17-credit-hour semesters. I was getting a degree in a field I did not care about, and I spent every class reading and writing fanfic, scrolling through tumblr, making internet friends, letting my life be consumed by Supernatural. I projected myself completely onto Dean Winchester and partially onto Castiel and did not even realize it.

I started dressing like Dean, and my sister and brother-in-law noticed and assumed I was gay. They were extremely unsubtle in their attempts at getting me to come out by pointing out the flannel and army jackets, and I did not have it in me to admit to them that I was dressing like a fictional character, but I DID tell them I was bisexual.

I went to therapy every week during my senior year of college, and I was embarrassed about how often I talked about my “internet life,” as I called it. I remember having the arbitrary goal of getting 1,000 kudos on a fanfic, and I remember the day it happened for the first time and I remember going to therapy that week and saying that I didn’t feel any different, that I thought getting attention for my writing would make me feel better, somehow, but I still felt the same, and my therapist asked me if I would still be writing if I was the only one who got anything out of it and I said yes. But I was still obsessed with writing things that were meaningful, and despite the fact that I would receive 10 negative/mean anons per day, I never turned anon off because I desperately wanted people to tell me that my writing meant something to them, that it mattered to them. I was fighting with myself every day over my sexuality and my identity and my purpose, and I put all of that on the shoulders of Dean and Cas.

There was also chubby!dean. I had lived my entire life with this inexplicable thing, this shame that I knew I could not share, that I knew I would just have to suffer with for my whole life, and then I joined the spn fandom and found that there were others like me, others that had a fetish and had similar experiences as I did and were drawn to Dean Winchester because there’s no other character that could make eating and gaining weight be as enticing as he makes it (in fanfic). For the first time in my life I had a community of people that I could relate to about a thing that I never thought I would ever be able to talk about with anyone in my life. I don’t remember if I consciously chose to start posting publicly about it, but at some point I did, and I started writing kink fic, but I was still so uncomfortable with myself and so scared of the things I felt, and I tried so hard to temper myself and not offend anyone and not go “too far” and not be too weird and I was so sexually repressed and pent up and full of guilt and shame, and so now when I go back and reread some of the stuff I wrote it feels like reopening an old wound and letting myself bleed out.

I was constantly comparing myself to others and wondering why I wasn’t getting as much attention as so-and-so, and I always made excuses about how maybe my writing was too weird and I was too much and maybe I just wasn’t good enough and I hated myself and wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, but also I’m awesome and receive a lot of attention and get a lot of good feedback but maybe that means I’m just a narcissist! I acted like an asshole online and justified it by saying it wasn’t really me, that I could be someone totally different on tumblr than the person I was in “real life,” but in hindsight, now when I think back on my early 20s, I cannot separate what I was doing in “real life” from what I was doing in the spn fandom. I shared so much of myself with the spn fandom without even recognizing that that’s what I was doing.

And I made mistakes, god I made mistakes, and I tried to be so careful about everything I said but I was also presenting a certain version of myself to the spn fandom so that people would like me (for instance: running a destiel blog and trying my best to hide the fact that I also ship wincest) and still I got in trouble constantly, and I grew bitter and mean because you can only receive the “when are you posting the next chapter?” comment so many times before you want to bang your head into a wall. I became defensive and unkind, afraid to check my inbox because it was a nightmare, and yet unable to turn off anon because, like I said, I desperately needed that feedback, I needed people to tell me that they felt what I felt, that they understood what I was writing and why I was writing it.

I expected Supernatural to give me everything I needed. I fantasized about Dean Winchester being canonically bisexual because I thought it would confirm something in me, that it would somehow make my life a little bit easier. I didn’t want to watch other shows that could maybe help me, I wanted Supernatural to do things for me that it had never promised and would never deliver, and it’s because I was defined by it for so many years. Now that I’m back on tumblr, I’ve been going back through some of my old posts on deancasheadcanons and it’s like reading a stranger’s words. Even so, I find myself telling people “I was deancasheadcanons” instead of “I ran a sideblog called deancasheadcanons” because it really was such a huge part of my identity. What’s wild is that every time I’ve tried to explain it to someone in real life, they just look at me like I’m not making any sense.

It was easy to stop watching Supernatural. I didn’t have cable, and I had been driving to my dad and stepmom’s house each week and watching it on their tv after they had gone to bed. I was in a new relationship with a woman I nearly married, I was back in school for a new career, I was working full time and absolutely did not have time to continue writing fanfic as prolifically as I had done for so many years. I finally reached a breaking point in 2017 and haven’t watched any new episodes since then (I don’t remember the last episode I saw). But now, as I rewatch some old episodes, it is easy to feel the way I felt the first time I watched the show. It’s easy to see why this campy little heartfelt show was a lifeline during my formative adult years.

So it turns out I have never reckoned with any of this, have never written it down, hence the 2k jumble of words you see here. And it’s like, I know that a lot of this may seem silly, trivial, especially for a show that in itself is not very serious, but as it comes to an end I have to reflect on it as a person who put so much of my heart, my creativity, my pain and my floundering identity into it. I am somewhat embarrassed and wish I could respond to this ask with a joke instead, but we’re in a pandemic and I live alone and have had way too much time to think and reflect and become a lot more self-aware, and part of that reflection has definitely been about my time in the spn fandom. I remember thinking the show was never going to end, yet here we are at the end and I felt compelled to type all this out with a desire to, I don’t know, get some closure? Convince myself that I was a whole person, that I wasn’t just a faceless URL posting destiel fics into the void, that my real life was not at all disparate from the time I spent online? In any case, I’ll always think fondly of the time I devoted to Supernatural, and I’ll take the good and the bad and everything in between. Thanks for the nice ask, anon, apparently I needed to get some things off my chest.

#madd replies #long post #spn for ts #this is 2k words i am sorry lmao #wouldn't it be cool if i had any semblance of chill

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stonylovessteve · 4 years

Text

Creator Reveals

We’ve reached the end of the exchange and that means it’s time to reveal the creators of all our works.

Thank you for putting so much love and effort into Stony Loves Steve 2020, you really made it a great experience. We hope everyone loved it as much as we did!

Giftees, be sure to leave a comment and kudos on your gift if you haven’t already. All our creators worked hard to make this event a success, so show them some love.

You can now post about your work publicly outside of the exchange. Tag it as #stonylovessteve2020 on tumblr and we’ll reblog you. @ us @stonylovessteve on twitter and we’ll retweet you.

Below the cut is the final list of all the works produced for the exchange and the creators.

Love thy neighbor by captainstars for picturecat (616, 2.2k Words)

Neighbors are supposed to come around to borrow a cup of sugar; these ones take Steve’s husband instead.

“So let me get this right, you came here to save me?” He asked.

Steve ducked his head down in a nod.

“But you managed to get captured by my kidnappers?” He added.

Steve paused, and then repeated the motion.

“And somewhere in the midst of all that, they turned you into a cat.” Tony pointed out, like it wasn’t obvious.

Funnel Cakes and Ferris Wheels by jehbehee for muchmoremajestic (MCU AU, 5.4k Words)

Tony takes Steve on a road trip to help him relax before his last exam.

give me something sweet by starkboi for starksnack (MCU, 1.5k Words)

Steve loves baking on his days off, there's just a missing ingredient that's been on his mind lately.

operation: grocery shopping by starksnack for avengersandco (MCU, 6k Words)

Steve, Peter, and Peter's trusty sidekick Mister Dog set off on a quest to check off everything on their grocery list. Will they find everything they need and get rewards from Tony?

Featuring cloud watching, scented markers, and Born This Way by Lady Gaga.

Moon and Stars by DepressingGreenie for march_hyde (MCU, 2.6k Words)

Steve and Tony spend the full moon at their cabin in the woods.

there's no place i'd rather be, without you beside me by ircnshield for starkboi (MCU, 10.5k Words)

“I don’t think he wants you to leave,” Natasha jokes from the couch.

“Yeah, no kidding,” Tony says as he bends down to scratch behind the dog's ear. “Look, buddy, I’ll give you a treat if you stop looking at me like that and let me go down to my lab.”

Dodger, seemingly unimpressed, walks closer towards Tony’s shoes, turns his body around, and simply drops his body on top of them.

Turn a Little Faster by Ishipallthings for b0n3l3ssm1lk (AA, 5.4K Words)

Tony and Natasha pose as a couple for an undercover mission. Steve doesn’t find this distracting. Not at all.

And yet, it all goes downhill from there.

(5 times Steve is distracted thinking of Tony, and 1 time Tony distracts Steve on purpose.)

Taking chances by hundredthousands for shcrlockholmcs (MCU, Comic)

Tony can’t resist it when Steve gets like this, and he’s feeling a tad uninhibited tonight.

say my prayers by farawatt for jayjayverse (616, 3.3k Words)

Steve gets into the motel at a quarter past nine in the morning.

You've Got That Power Over Me by stevesnarkrogers for alexcat (MCU, 8k Words + Fanvid)

“Pull it together, Stark,” Tony muttered to himself.

Steve’s chest ached at the sound of Tony’s voice. God, he missed him. He wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in his arms and see if they could—no. YOU pull it together, Rogers. You’re here to help Tony, not yourself. Eyes up, soldier.

Net of Wonder by hollyandvice (hiasobi_writes) for Syan (MCU, 2.4k Words)

"You can't control me." Then Tony whips his tail again to turn away from his father.

"You swim out that door and I'm planning your wedding and coronation myself."

Tony stills. He swallows down the way the oppression tries to pound him flat. But there's no avoiding the inevitable. He looks over his shoulder to glare at Howard. "Be my guest. It's not like you ever would have listened to me anyway."

Tony isn't expecting an apprentice when he goes to meet with Yinsen after a blowout fight with her dad, but he finds all that and more in Steve Rogers. Steve gives Tony everything he needs while Tony runs from his future, never knowing that their futures might be more entwined than they'd realized.

diastolic pressure (in between heartbeats) by firebrands for betheflame (MCU, 8k Words)

For flame, who gave the prompt "Steve and Tony have been fake dating for a while, but everyone else thinks they're *really* in love. When a mission goes terribly and Tony is presumed dead, Steve realizes he's in love with Tony and Dramatic Shenanigans Ensue."

Same Difference. by Perlmutt for Huntress79 (MCU AU, 5k Words)

Tony and Steve are the successful heads of two different divisions of SHIELD IT Security and are the walking wet dreams of all ladies in the company. Tony Stark is the elegant genius with his dark humor while the newcomer Steve Rogers is known for his gentlemanly behaviour and kindness. On the surface the two men are rivals. But there's more to it than meets the eye...

Canteen food is horrible, the intern is chaotic, and Tony goes toe-to-toe with a hyena to rescue the princess who doesn't need to be rescued...

Why Need a Thousand Words? I Prefer a Picture Instead by march_hyde for Neverever (MCU, 4k Words + Art)

Steve is struggling with a project for Tony, not that he knows of it. So of course Tony finds out and has to help out with whatever he can do.

Operation Check Yes or No by avengersandco for hundredthousands (MCU, 2.7k Words)

Steve just wants Tony to notice him, but he’s not sure how. Lucky for him, his friends help him make a plan to capture the attention of the one he wants.

When I Look At You by Syan for AvengersNewB (MCU, Comic)

Steve is always looking at Tony in very meaningful ways... Or very embarrassed ways, depending on the situation~

for god's sake, dear (just say yes). by frostfall for captainmistyknight (vicspeaks) (AA, 10.8k Words)

Ever since they’ve met, Steve has been in love with Tony Stark. So when Tony makes a marriage pact with him, he jumps at the offer, thinking that’s the only way he could have Tony.

Fast forward five years, and Steve is ready to pop the question to Tony, with hopes that maybe, just maybe, Tony feels the same.

That is, until he meets Carol Danvers, who just so happens to be dating Tony.

Honey, Keep the Sugar, You’re Enough for Me by Shamen610 for avengersincamphalfbloodstardis (MCU, 1.6k Words)

"I want you to draw me like one of your french girls." Tony had said, the very first time he had walked through his door.

Steve, who had been carrying a bag full of paints and a canvas under his arm, had barely been able to keep everything under wraps upon hearing the bold words.

Steve doesn't actually have a Sugar Daddy, no matter what Bucky says.

Lullaby by alexcat for XtaticPearl (MCU, 1.9k Words)

Steve has nightmares and Tony helps.

Achromatic by captainmistyknight (vicspeaks) for firebrands (Marvel Noir, 2.8k Words)

"Steve’s life ended the moment he was born, according to the doctor’s at least. Of course, it took them awhile to figure it out, but when he was three years old, his Ma realized that on top of all the other issues he had to deal with, his eyes weren’t responding properly to light. She took him to the doctors to get tested, and they spoke his doom.

He was permanently colorblind. An achromat. He’d never know love."

A story of growing up, misunderstandings, and love in the jungle.

Easing Into Us by HogwartsToAlexandria for wingheads (MCU, 4.9k Words)

No matter how much he's tried, Steve could never find the right moment to tell Tony, to come out to him in a setting that'd be both private and allow him to flee if it didn't go as well as he hoped it would.

Until some jerk at the bar decided that Tony being an out and proud trans man was reason enough to pick up a fight. And Steve couldn't stand by and watch it happen.

Tony didn't much like that. At first. Ask him again tomorrow.

Bring Me His Heart by jellybeanforest for firelightmystic (MCU, 6.3k words)

Steve Rogers, infamous cat burglar, is hired by Tony’s business rival and ex-girlfriend, Sunset Bain, to carry out a little corporate espionage, namely to steal the original arc reactor prototype Stark had surgically removed from his chest.

Steve does steal his heart, but perhaps not in the way his employer had envisioned.

Or:

Tony interrupts Steve mid-heist in his penthouse and assumes he is the escort he hired for the night; Steve doesn’t correct him.

Memories of Us by muchmoremajestic for QueenE (MCU, 3.5k words)

An examination of three objects in retrospect as part of a scrapbook for a birthday gift for Steve.

Graphic Design is my Passion by zappedbysnow for talesofsuspense (Marvel, Comic)

Tony was about to have lunch when he saw someone he didn't want to run into inside the restaurant. He quickly backed away and snuck into a cafe nearby, plunking his ass onto a chair shielded by a wall, which just happened to be Steve Roger's art class.

Steve is an artist who does commercial work and draws comics. He spends his weekends teaching a drawing class for free at a local cafe. He doesn't recognize the guy who snuck into his class in a suit that looks like it costs more than his month's rent but he looks stressed and like he's running from someone. He can let this one slide. And no. It's not because the man looks damn fine. He's just a sympathetic guy.

The Love of Every Single One of My Lives by jellybeanforest for farawatt (616, 10.3k words)

Tony loves Steve, and he will always love him no matter how many times he has to bury the man before he gets it right.

Priceless by njava97 for kesktoon04 (MCU, 9.3k words)

Steve Rogers feels like he’s finally gotten the hang of this waking up in the future thing. He’s been dating Tony Stark for 6 months now and it's been going surprisingly well. But when an extravagant anniversary present brings up bad memories and a mission goes sideways, Steve is forced to confront the fact that maybe the first step to letting go of the past involves letting people in. Or: Steve Rogers has a series of epiphanies in a hospital bed, expresses a couple of emotions, talks about his problems and gets all the love he deserves.

AKA my love letter to Steve Rogers.

Ouanga by fundamentalBlue for venusiaries (MCU, 7.7k words)

Steve wakes up to the sound of screaming.

Take a Hand by RoseRose for HogwartsToAlexandria (MCU, 3.4k words)

Steve is single, alone, and about to give birth.

Fortunately, Tony is an amazing nurse.

Falling in Love at the All Day Cafe by betheflame for BladeoftheNebula (MCU, 3.9k words)

One of the things about the particular block they lived on was that at the corner was, quite possibly, the world’s best bakery. It was Zagat rated and everything, so it wasn’t just Tony that felt that way. People flew in from all over the world to eat at All Day Cafe - Tony had bumped into Gwenyth Paltrow a few months ago and thought it was his best friend, Pepper, and that was awkward - and their pastries were no joke.

Run by Olympic Gold Medalist Steve Rogers, the cafe specialized in classic French pastries with American twists - like a pain au chocolat that also came encrusted in pistachios - and routinely sold out of their daily specials within two hours of opening. Peter, in particular, loved their peanut butter cookies that the baker swore was nothing special but Tony was wondering if they’d laced it with kiddie cocaine or something.

Tony, in particular, loved going to stare at the owner.

That’s What You Get (for waking up in Vegas) by bon3l3ssm1lk for JehBeeEh (MCU, 1.3k words)

A dimly lit bar blasting dance music. A rugged man making conversation. A third round of beers, courtesy of the man. A fourth, fifth, and sixth round.

Steve couldn't remember much else.

laughing in bed by wingheads for RoseRose (MCU, Art)

prompt: sex with laughter

James & Barnaby by Wikketkrikket for mariana_oconnor (MCU AU, 16.7k Words)

Steve Rogers has medical debt so ridiculous that if he doesn't do something about it, his mother will be out on the street. He swallows his pride and agrees to a 'charity marriage' with the elusive son of Howard Stark, so Howard can show off how wealthy and generous they are. Maybe it would have worked, too, if he hadn't then met the love the love of his life on his last night of freedom.

Still (Until you moved me) by GuiltyFan21 for maythecat12 (MCU, 2k Words)

Steve hates it in the 21st century, where everything is so different. Life's a mess, the only constant thing being SHIELD coming to check on him. Until he meets Tony Stark, a brilliant genius who makes him feel more human.

The Icing on the Cake by BladeoftheNebula for Lacrimula_Falsa (MCU AU, 2.8k Words)

Steve’s a bit low on cash this month, so he figures making a bit extra by jumping out of a cake couldn’t hurt.

If only someone had told the birthday boy that.

The Next Life by Sheron for hollyandvice (hiasobi_writes) (MCU, 2.5k Words)

Eventually Tony had said: listen, I own an island, let's go.

artwork and email by ohjustpeachy for njava97 (MCU AU, 6.7k Words)

Tony makes a donation to Art Reach, a non-profit, never expecting to get such a kind thank you note in response. He certainly never thought he'd find himself excited to look in his inbox every day, eager for a new message from the foundation's director, Steve Rogers, but here he is. Or, Tony falls for smol Steve over a bunch of emails and everyone knows it but him.

Hug n' Fly by talesofsuspense for rebeccakbaa (616, Art)

Iron Man flies Steve back to the mansion after he loses the serum.

who's that? by venusiaries for Perlmutt (MCU AU, Art)

Quarterback Steve Rogers meets the love of his life in the hallway.

Closer Than Together by shcrlockholmcs for ircnshield (MCU, 5.6k words)

The annual Stark Industries Gala is coming up and Steve wants to ask Tony. But his efforts are of no avail and they both end up going alone. How can Steve stand by and watch everyone else take a bite out of the man he has feelings for?

Brooklyn Life by ashes0909 for himbos (MCU, 1.6 words)

Steve mentally followed his boyfriend's path across the bedroom and down the stairs into the living room

“Oh that fucking--!” Tony cried before he’d even made it past the couch. “Steve!

Objectively Perfect by AvengersnewB for Wikketkrikket (MCU, 2k words)

Going on an objectively perfect, but absolutely horrible date might be the last sign Steve needs to finally talk to the guy he actually wants to be on a date with, so desperately.

(Spoiler: The guy is Tony)

Instinctual by mariana_oconnor for DepressingGreenie (MCU, 17k words)

The true effects of the super soldier serum are top secret. Only a few people know the truth - the serum turned Steve Rogers into a werewolf. Steve still hasn't found a way to tell Tony, even though they've been in a relationship for months. He can't bring himself to explain that he's a monster.

But when they are clearing out an AIM base, that decision is taken out of his hands.

Could Never Resist a Man with Facial Hair by kenshincha for zappedbysnow (MCU, 1.5k words)

The team is tired of Steve and Tony pining for each other. They decide to do something about it.

A timely revelation by frosted_astronaut for captainstars (MCU/1872, 2.3k words + Moodboard)

Sheriff Rogers is in love with Tony Stark, the blacksmith. However, he denies it even in front of himself, until it's time for him to realize that he can't live in a lie forever.

Central (Jurassic) Park & More by cccoffee for nanasekei (MCU, Art)

A collection of art pieces for Stony Loves Steve 2020!

Something Fell From the Sky by jayjayverse for Shamen610 (616, Art)

When Tony is missing in action. Steve starts looking for him right away and when he finally finds him, it's nothing like he thought it would be.

-The art is really explicit so take care :)

I'll Catch You (If You Fall) by maythecat12 for ishipallthings (MCU AU, 10.4k Words)

New York: an artist and a superhero, an accident, and getting back together.

Just One Of Those Nights (The SLS Remix) by Firelightmystic for jellybeanforest (MCU, 6.4k Words)

Natasha's been angling to set Steve up on a date for a while now...

In Your Wildest Dreams by Neverever for cccoffee (AA, 3.4k Words)

The Guardians ask the Avengers to pick some flowers. What could go wrong with that?

Breath of a Fish by picturecat for sheron (AA, 4.9k Words)

Their relationship was courteous, as it must be for any two witches who had no interest in feuding with one another properly. But to someone he could trust not to repeat his words, Steve often complained that Stark was basically a warlock, the way he carried on with esoteric nonsense and ignoring the needs of the people. For his part, Steve had no idea what Stark’s objection to him was. He knew only that the man so obviously delighted in teasing Steve that the people of their town regularly placed bets on when they expected them to come to blows.

The Ballad of Nomad by himbos for GuiltyFan21 (MCU AU, 3.1k Words)

Set in the Old West, Steve Rogers, who moonlights as the vigilante Nomad, and his lover, Tony Stark, make a stop in the town of Extremis. Little did they know, trouble awaited.

How To Woo A Living Legend (by Anthony Stark) by Huntress79 for stevesnarkrogers (MCU, 1.5k Words)

Past the fight against the Chitauri, Tony finally finds the courage to act on his long-harbored feelings for a certain Captain. But he never, ever would have expected that the “Tactical Genius of the Century” could be this blind in regards to Tony’s attempts.

Take a number by jellybeanforest for kenshincha (MCU, 7.2k Words)

Since an unforgettable one-night stand a few years prior, alpha Steve Rogers has pined after infamously-promiscuous omega Tony Stark. He may not have much money, but he has scrimped and saved for the past couple years, determined to declare his intentions by getting the man the best courting gift he can afford, something to distinguish himself from the dozens of more well-heeled suitors gunning for the heart of the elusive billionaire.

All-American Cupcake by One and Five Nines (Obani) for frostfall (MCU, Comic)

“You’re a jackass sometimes, Steve. I’ve seen you get into a fistfight with three guys at once, but you can’t even TALK to the guy you’ve been in love with since we opened.”

#stonylovessteve2020 #Steve Rogers #stony #stevetony #superhusbands

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swiftiephobe · 4 years

Text

thoughts on edit discourse, aka “you all realise this is meant to be fun?”

okay so buckle up swifties because i have some THOUGHTS about the whole edit discourse, the idea of needing to support editors by reblogging their posts and where i think some of you are a bit... misguided in how you approach sharing content on tumblr.com. this is a long post (i have put it under a cut because it is that long) because i am incapable of saying things concisely and i cannot think of another way to get my points across without having them misrepresented. i know a lot of people might ignore this because it’s a long ass essay, and that is valid <3 i just wanna get these thoughts out there. i do appreciate anyone who chooses to read this and try and understand my point of view. i love editors and the content they create. i do not love the idea that people have to run their blogs and engage with content on this website in a very specific way in order to be acceptable to the community.

also this isn’t directed at any one person in particular. the attitudes i am talking about are pervasive in a large portion of the fandom, and i’ve seen them building for quite a while now. i’m happy to have a respectful discussion about many of the points i’ve made here, as i know a lot of you will disagree with them. the purpose of this post isn’t to “attack” people, it’s to provide a different perspective.

i wanna preface this by talking about when i first started posting edits. i don’t do it a lot now mostly because i’m busy and don’t often feel like it but back in 2017/2018 i really got into editing. i remember when i first taught myself how to make gifs in photoshop, and i made my first gifset, and i was so excited to post it because i was so proud of myself for having created something. so i posted it, and then i kept making and posting gifsets. most of them didn’t get many notes, and frankly a lot of them were not very good because i was still learning, but i still posted them because it was nice to have created something.

one day i posted a gifset and tagged it with some appropriate tags, including tagging some big source blogs. well, one of those big source blogs actually reblogged my gifset! and i was so excited by that. i even went and sent that blog an ask profusely thanking them for reblogging my edit. it’s a bit embarrassing to think about having done that now, but the point is i was so excited to have a blog that i considered “important” reblog my stuff, and of course that led to more notes on the gifset which made me happy. that gifset ended up getting about 150 notes, which still isn’t a lot but it made me happy at the time.

why am i telling this story, you might ask? because i want to put it out there that I GET IT. getting that reblog on that gifset made me, a baby editor, very very happy. ecstatic, even. the fact that i can still remember it now shows how much it meant to me. i was already proud of myself for having created something that i thought was good, but getting that extra bit of external validation to tell me that what i had created was actually good felt special. so i understand why editors want people to reblog their work. it makes us feel good to see that others are enjoying what we’ve made enough to want to share it with others.

so i kept making edits, some of them got a lot of notes while others really didn’t. i continued to learn new things about editing, i played around in photoshop and got excited every time i realised a new thing i could do with one of the tools. some of the edits i made were a lot of work, and i was very proud of them, and i still am very proud of them. a lot of those edits that hold a special place in my heart did not get many notes. one edit that i made (which was a url graphic for another person) took hours and a lot of hard work trying to figure out how to make my idea happen, and i think now it has less than ten notes.

sometimes i look back through my edit tag and i see edits like that one, that i loved making and thought turned out very well, but have relatively very few notes. and honestly? when i look at them, i don’t feel sad about the number of notes they have. sure, i think “well, it would’ve been nice if more people had seen this”, but for the most part i still feel damn proud of myself for having made it. i feel happy looking at them because they remind me of when i was making them and how much i enjoyed the process.

at the end of the day, editing isn’t something i do as a job, for the sake of meeting a quota or reaching a benchmark of external achievement. it’s a hobby, something i do because i enjoy the process of creating something. i post my edits here so that they can be hosted publicly on my blog, and yes while getting notes is very very nice, it’s not my primary motivation. this year i’ve mostly been making edits for albums that i have enjoyed, some of which have practically no audience on tumblr and so don’t get many notes. and that’s fine. i don’t make them for other people.

which i suppose brings me to a point that i feel like will upset some people, but... the way some of you talk about editing, sometimes it seems like you don’t even enjoy it? i know that’s ridiculous because you all do, and many of you are crazy talented, but when i read people posting about how getting less than 100 notes on an edit makes them want to give up and never post an edit ever again, i frankly have to wonder if you even enjoyed making the edit in the first place, and if not, why did you do it? it just seems like a lot of you have a warped idea that the end goal of making an edit is notes, when in my opinion it really should be for fun. we’re in the taylor swift tumblr fandom. this is meant to be fun, remember? it’s okay to be upset when something you thought was great doesn’t receive as enthusiastic a reception as you were hoping for, but it happens to everyone and it doesn’t mean you, or others, are doing something wrong. if you enjoyed creating something, and you are proud of it, that’s what really matters in the end.

something else i’ve noticed is the extreme policing of how people interact with edits, mostly the notion that you HAVE to reblog edits and anything else is offensive and unacceptable. and sorry, but no. everyone runs their blogs in a different way. some people use their likes as bookmarks for things they want to reblog or queue for later. some people have a specific aesthetic they want to keep for their blog so don’t reblog every single thing, but they still want to acknowledge that they saw your edit and liked it. people have a million reasons why they don’t want to reblog something, and since it is their blog and their space, all of them are valid.

when you post something to a public social media website, you have to accept that people are going to interact with it in the way that suits them most (this is of course excluding hate or stealing, those are not acceptable). if you are seeing a like on your edit and somehow extrapolating it into some “this isn’t good enough” statement, you are reading way too much into it. if people are liking your edit, it’s because they like your edit. is it nice when people reblog your stuff? yes. but people aren’t obligated to do so.

this also applies to the idea of keeping comments in the tags. i agree that commenting in the tags on edits is proper etiquette, and it’s something i always do. but the absolutely vitriol i have seen directed towards people who comment on their reblogs is not okay. i’ve seen people talk about blocking people who comment on their edits. it’s not nice. if you see someone say “i love this!” about your edit and your first thought isn’t “that’s so nice!” but instead “this person said this in the wrong place so i hate it”, please get your priorities straight.

i think most of the discussion surrounding edits starts off in a good place. it’s good to remind people that reblogging edits is the best way to support them, and that it will make people happy. i think that message has been made clear time and time again, but now it’s turning into something more aggressive. you all say that the fandom is “dying” because people don’t interact with edits (as a side note, edits aren’t the only valid form of content in the fandom. funny text posts, theories, discussions and ask games all contribute to the feeling of the fandom being alive just as much as edits do), but all that these rules you’re trying to implement do is scare people away. people will become more and more afraid to interact with anything, for fear of not interacting enough, not interacting in the right way, or not interacting with the right people. and that, ultimately, will do a lot more harm to the fandom than people liking your edits.

#some of y'all bout to be real mad at me but it must be said <3 #i am TERRIFIED of posting this omfg #please don't yell at me i am sensitive

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babbushka · 4 years

Note

I’d love to know why you’re not a fan of the amazon prime account. It’s just me being nosey, but maybe there’s a reason I should also distance myself from it. I love your tumblr! Thank you for the lovely Adam content (:

They’re just so incredibly unprofessional and creepy. Like, I get being a stan, that’s fine. Posting about him on your own account is fine, we do that here in our own little corner of the web.

But when you’re a public social media account for one of the world’s largest corporations, it’s just in such bad taste to make official posts about how you want adam driver to get you pregnant man, it just is. It’s disgusting to dig through the internet to find his childhood photos and thirst over them and make creepy comments like “don’t look at our search history ;)” They make cringey posts about wanting to make out with him and live with him and weird shit like posting pictures of him hugging people and saying “I want to get in the middle of that hug”

All they do is talk to r/ylos in the replies of their tweets, who feed their ego and it’s this bizarre cycle of like being publicly horny on main which would be fine if not for the fact that they’re a public social media account that reaches a million people including probably adam himself!

How has this person not been fired for gross unprofessionalism? Why do people keep lauding them for objectifying adam and saying shit about him that we all know would make him so so so uncomfortable? It’s just really embarrassing to watch and i honestly bet they’re one of those lunatics on the subreddit who like would doxx him and try to smell his underwear.

Like that’s the vibes that they constantly put out and every time they do anything it’s just so so so uncomfy. So i stay away from the whole thing lol

#Anonymous #cowboy answers

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ask-de-writer · 4 years

Text

DARING DO and the ADVENTURE of the X'IBIAN VASE! : MLP Fan Fiction : Part 9 of 21

Return to the Master Story Index

Return to MLP Fan Fiction

Daring Do

and the Adventure of the X'ibian Vase!

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

And

Carmen Pondiego

Cover Art by

Doctor Dimension

52630 words

Writing begun 08/26/15

//////////////

Users of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights. They may reblog the story. They may use the characters or original characters in my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical compositions, provided that such things are done without charge. I will allow those who do commission art works to charge for their images provided that I receive a copy of each image for my archive.

All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fictions is actively encouraged.

///////////////////////

Jeremy had out a small telescope and was scanning the shore as the Sea Sage and her escort river monitor pulled into the channel leading to the Dunn See. He was focusing on the dock that should have been theirs. Cranes aboard the motor ship were lowering modern looking motor trucks to the dock.

They had no trouble getting the trucks to the dock. It was the other cargo that was already unloaded that was the problem. There was no room for the trucks to get clear of the dock.

Jeremy was chuckling as he watched a pony from the ship stride confidently up to the Longshore Pony in charge, a bulging sack in hoof.

There was an altercation. The dockworkers began to shift the cargo about so that as much was moved to a warehouse as possible while still blocking the trucks from moving.

As their position blocked the view, Soree, standing beside Jeremy, and using field glasses, said, “I can tell by how you chuckled, that you were expecting something like that. Why?”

Without hesitation, Jeremy said, “I was given lessons last night in the etiquette of bribery and some other issues of courtesy. Especially of the bowing.

“I was dead wrong about everything. Qushi Han Le set me straight on it. I got my first practical lesson by watching Mister Overthrow try to bribe the Dockworkers.

“He started off by not bowing at all. That is bad. Then he publicly asked the lead pony to name his price! That finished THAT. There is courtesy involved. ROT seems really short of it. Even shorter than I was!”

Daring Do had silently joined them. “That is for sure. So, Qushi paid you a visit?”

“Yes. I am alive right now because of you, Doctor Do. She could have killed me herself and let me know it. She spared me because she respects you and, by bringing me along, you showed her that you valued me.

“Instead of killing me, she taught me about bribes and bowing. It put a lot of what you recommended for reading into sharp perspective.”

The busy shoreline and waters of the port were falling behind, to be replaced by the busy waterfront of the residential parts of Singapone. The shipping channel was clear of any but the proper river cargo traffic but over in the shallows by the many homes and estates of the well to do, was what appeared to be a mad house of dinghies, sampans and other craft too numerous and tightly packed to sort out.

Soree was having delightful time sketching and writing in her journal. “Look! The ponies that live near the water don’t have to go shopping! Those boats are ALL selling things!”

Jeremy watched with wonder as a rickety dock crowded with buyers was swarmed about with small boats selling everything from seaweeds, hay and grain from up river, to fish, crafts, pots and pans and other goods beyond number.

His eye now alerted to the courtesy issues, Jeremy saw how a boat with the goods that a buyer wanted was signaled for and a bow offered at the same time.

Daring Do looked on and listened as he muttered, “I see. Wave is I want you, bow is for respect to merchant. Return bow recognizes and pays respect to the buyer. It all flows from that.”

Daring Do nodded agreement and said, “Soree, are you following what Jeremy is pointing out? This is important to know.”

Soree held up her pen and replied, “What Qushi Han Le thought important enough to teach in that way, I have been recording most carefully.”

Jeremy paused, embarrassed.

The Sea Sage forged on up river accompanied by the iron clad river monitor with its massive, slope sided turrets carrying two guns each. Jeremy pointed to the characters painted on its bow and stern. “Do those really mean 'Flower of Peace?'” he asked, incredulously.

Soree looked up from her latest sketch and nodded. “They really do mean that. Peaceful Flower would be a good reading too. It is an example of the Chineighese ironic thought.”

Daring Do looked on with a smile, proud of her students and their developing skills. Down close to the water’s edge, there was a road. That drew Soree’s eye. “If there is a road, wouldn’t it be faster to take it rather than ride the ship up stream?”

Daring Do smiled almost evilly as she replied, “If you were from Equestria, where roads are the main transportation arteries, you might think so. Those roads are for river bank maintenance and for salvage gear transport in the event of a river or canal accident.

“The Chineighese Empire is held together by the most modern and advanced system of river, canal and railroad transport that I am aware of.” She made a fluttering gesture with her hoof. “Roads, except near cities, not so much. They only feed the harvest, mine and factory goods to the canals and railroads.

“I suspect that ROT will be finding out all about that, really soon.”

Her brows drawn down in vee of thought and concentration, Soree asked, “Why would they make a blunder like that? Your book on the Darkling Expedition and your official reports make it clear that you really couldn’t manage with modern trucks.”

Daring Do tried and failed to look innocent as she stared over the rail at the road along the shoreline. “It MIGHT have something to do with the expedition proposal that I gave them as part of the negotiations before we agreed to disagree.”

Lights dawned in the expressions of both Jeremy and Soree. With a giggle, Soree put it into words. “You knew that you weren’t going to work for them so you set them up!”

A quiet nod was her only answer.

Jeremy was watching the shoreline scene more carefully now. “Look! There are the trucks of the ROT expedition! They are going to pass us really soon. What will slow them down?”

Soree pointed ahead a fair ways up river, where a canal came down through a lock to the river. The bridge, at the lock, was a high, steeply arched affair. They could all see foot traffic crossing the bridge in both directions.

While they watched, a cart rose up from the far side of the bridge and descended slowly to the road by the canal. There, a pair of Chineighese ponies in flat, conical hats, hitched to it and pulled it to a waiting warehouse. While they were doing that, another, seemingly identical cart came across the bridge. It too, was pulled to the warehouse.

Jeremy, watching closely, pointed out, “There is a rail spur leading to the warehouse!”

Soree retorted, “I am more interested in how those carts are crossing the bridge without anypony pulling them!”

That was answered as the Sea Sage drew nearer to the lock. Alongside the canal was a heavy water mill that was driving the the cargo moving mechanism. A cart was pulled from where the canal boat was being unloaded. The ponies pulling it hauled it into guides and unhitched. The mechanism, driven by the water mill, snagged the cart and carried it up and over the steep arch of the bridge to similar guides that freed the cart to be hauled away.

Suddenly Jeremy brayed laughter. “That bridge isn’t made for trucks at all!”

That simple prophecy was borne out by the arrival of ROT’s trucks. There was nothing that those on the ship could hear, but plenty to see! The swarm of ponies in their flat conical straw hats, the obviously important lock officials and the drivers of the trucks all in a right tangle!

The mess disappeared astern as the small convoy sailed serenely upriver! Dining on the afterdeck later, Jeremy snorted his amusement. “If their bribing skills are as good as they were at the dock, they are still going to be there tomorrow!”

Soree giggled at the memory of the trucks being neatly blocked by cargo.

Nearly to the busy river port of Cantrot the Flower of Peace suddenly accelerated! A steam siren blasting for emergency right of way, the iron clad roared upriver, her wake smashing in waves on the shore and putting smaller craft at risk.

The Sea Sage was being pulled into her dock when the echoing reports of heavy gunfire came rolling faintly back downriver. Emergency boats, that always had steam up, blasted a cacophony of warning whistles and cast off, charging up river toward the sounds of battle.

The port went about its business as if nothing was happening.

The Sea Sage safely secured to the dock, Daring Do led the way down the gangplank and into a port office.

Jeremy and Soree were watching curiously as Daring Do approached the official behind the desk. She bowed the bow of equals as she offered, “Good sir, while I do know that we must pay the proper fees for our port clearance and further travel permits, I would first ask your assistance.” She hoofed over a golden cash and the first few of a substantial sheaf of papers. “I have learned that wherever paper work is involved, there are subtleties that one such as myself does not grasp. What I would have of your great experience, is to explain these to me in detail so that I make no error of ignorance in the future.”

Smiling broadly, he gave a small duck of his head and began. He laid out the papers before him on the shabby desk blotter and began to go through them in detail.

Each new batch of papers was preceded by its coin. At the end of the exchange, the official smiled up at Soree and Jeremy and asked, “I hope that the lesson given you by Doctor Do was well learned?”

Surprised, but having had a powerful lesson already, Jeremy bowed deeply from the waist, and Soree, seeing him do so, did herself. “We did learn well, good Port Master. You were a teacher of excellent wisdom.”

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

<==Previous Next==>

Return to the Master Story Index

Return to MLP Fan Fiction

#DARING DO AND THE ADVENTURE OF THE X'IBIAN VASE #Part 9 of 21 #MLP Fan Fiction #Written by De Writer and Carmen Pondiego

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gagosiangallery · 4 years

Text

Richard Prince at Gagosian Beverly Hills

January 15, 2020

RICHARD PRINCE New Portraits Opening reception: Thursday, February 6, 6–8pm February 6–March 21, 2020 456 North Camden Drive, Beverly Hills __________ In 1984 I took some portraits. The way I did it was different. The way had nothing to do with the tradition of portraiture. If you wanted me to do your portrait, you would give me at least five photographs that had already been taken of yourself, that were in your possession (you owned them, they were yours), and more importantly . . . that you were already happy with. You would give me the five you liked and I would pick the one I liked. I would rephotograph the one I liked and that would be your portrait. Simple. Direct. To the point . . . Foolproof. I started off doing friends. Peter Nadin. Anne Kennedy. Jeff Koons. Cookie Mueller. Gary Indiana. Colin de Land.

They didn’t have to sit for their portraits. They didn’t have to make an appointment and come over and sit in front of some cyclone or in front of a neutral background or on an artist’s stool. They didn’t have to show up at all. And they wouldn’t be disappointed with the result. How could they? It wasn’t like they were giving me photos of themselves that were embarrassing.

Social Science Fiction.

Another advantage was the “time line.” If you were in your sixties and you gave me a photograph that had been taken thirty years earlier, and that’s the one I chose, your portrait ended up in a kind of time machine. I couldn’t go forward, but I could go backward. Vanity. Most of the people I did liked the younger version of themselves. So the future didn’t really matter. Half of H. G. Wells was better than no half at all.

Who knew?

After friends, I did people I didn’t know.

I had access to Warner Bros. Records and their publicity files. The files were filled with 8 × 10 glossies of recording stars that they had under contract. How I had access is beside the point. It was a long time ago. Let’s just say an A&R guy gave me access, “permission.”

I spent time in their LA headquarters, in Burbank, and went thru the metal cabinets and took the “publicities” I wanted, took them home, put them in front of my camera, and made a new photograph. The first one I did was Dee Dee Ramone.

I did Tina Weymouth, Tom Verlaine, Jonathan Richman, Laurie Anderson. I did the two girls from the B-52s.

Not knowing these people, having never met them, or talked to them, but still being able to do their portraits, excited me. Satisfaction. I spent weeks in the basement of Warner Bros. I thought I had an advantage. My method, if you could call it that, was far more flexible than the regular way portraits were taken. I didn’t need a studio. A darkroom. A receptionist. A calendar. Makeup. Stylists. I didn’t have to deal with agents or the “personality,” good or bad, of the sitter. My overhead was minimal and I could do the portrait all by myself.

By myself. That was the best.

Why I Go To The Movies Alone.

At first I thought this could be a business.

Up till then none of the art that I was making sold . . . or sold enough to make a living. I had just quit my job at Time Life the year before and was trying to make a go of it living near Venice Beach in LA . . . sharing a house with three roommates and living off the occasional sales that Hudson, my friend from Chicago, would make selling my “cartoon” drawings.

This idea of a “portrait business” made sense to me. Who wouldn’t want their portrait done this way?

I continued to do friends. Paula Greif. Dike Blair. Meyer Vaisman. I did everybody’s portraits for Wild History, a book that I put together for Tanam Press of downtown writing. The author’s portrait accompanied their contribution. Wharton Tiers. Spalding Gray. Tina L’Hotsky.

By the end of ’84 it was over.

I’m not sure if it was the lack of interest in me, or in others. (My energy evaporated.) Maybe it was the inability to convince people to commit to a commission. It was a good idea, but after doing about forty of them, I put them in a drawer and moved on. Bored? Restless? I don’t know. Let’s just say it didn’t take off.

Leave it at that.

My cartoon drawings turned into jokes and the jokes started taking up everything. In the end, I think most people would rather have their portrait done by Robert Mapplethorpe.

Thirty years. Time passes.

The social network.

I looked over my daughter’s shoulder and saw that she was scrolling thru pictures on her phone. I asked her what she was looking at. “It’s my Tumblr.” “What’s a tumbler?” I asked.

That was . . . four years ago?

About three years ago I bought an iPhone. Someone had shown me the photographs you could take with the phone. I had given up taking pictures after they got rid of color slide film. I tried digital, but couldn’t make the adjustment. I never liked carrying a camera and was pretty much inkjetting and painting anyway . . . so the idea of using a big boxy camera with all its new whistles and bows wasn’t for me.

Enter the sandman.

The iPhone was just what I needed. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to point and shoot. You didn’t have to focus. You didn’t have to load film. You didn’t have to ASA. You didn’t have to set a speed. The clarity . . .

I could see for miles.

The photos you took were stored in the phone. And when you wanted to see them, they appeared on a grid. The best part: you could send a photo immediately to a friend, to an e-mail, to a printer . . . or, you could organize your photos, like my daughter had, and post them publicly or privately.

When worlds collide.

I asked my daughter more about Tumblr. Are those your photos? Where did you get that one? Did you need permission? How did you get that kind of crop? You can delete them? Really? What about these “followers?” Who are they? Are they people you know? What if you don’t want to share? How many of your friends have Tumblrs?

What’s yours is mine.

My daughter’s “grid” on Tumblr reminded me of my Gangs I did back in ’85 . . . where I organized a set of nine images on a single piece of photo paper and blew the paper up to 86 × 48. The gangs were a way to deal with marginal or subsets of lifestyles that I needed to see on a wall but not a whole wall. Each gang was its own exhibition. Girlfriends, Heavy Metal Bands, Giant Waves, Bigfoot Trucks, Sex, War, Cartoons, Lyrics . . . were all rephotographed with slide film, and when the slides returned, they were “deejayed” and moved around on a custom-made light box until the best nine made the cut. The “cut” was then taped together (the edges of the slide mounts were pushed up against each other and Scotch-taped), the nine taped slides were sent to a lab where an 8 × 10 internegative was made, and from the internegative the final photo was blown up. I’ve probably lost you. Technical stuff . . . application and technique. Sometimes it’s better to leave the “background” out of it. Better to “take it for granted.” Why should I care how a photograph is made?

Only sometimes.

How was it called back then? Sampling?

Primitive now, but back then . . . 50-inch photo drums were few and far between. The paper was 50 inches wide and came in a huge roll. If you wanted to, you could take a roll and roll it down the street, roll it down the sidewalk, roll it all the way down the West Side Highway.

Shakespeare’s in the alley?

No. Philip Roth is in the alley.

Joan Didion is in the alley.

Don DeLillo is in the alley.

What’s up, pussycat?

There’s a lot of cats on Instagram. Food too.

And there’s tons of photos of people who take photographs of themselves. (Yes, I know the word.)

On the gram. I was just asked why I like Instagram. I said, “Because there’s rules. And if you break the rules, you get kicked off.”

I got to Instagram thru Twitter.

Twitter first.

I’m not sure when I first started tweeting, but I liked trying to fit a whole story into 140 characters.

I call it Birdtalk.

I used to bird in the early ’90s for Purple magazine and birded in my first catalogue for Barbara Gladstone in ’87.

Short sentences that were funny, sweet, dumb, profound, absurd, stupid, jokey, Finnegans Wake meets MAD magazine meets ad copy for Calvin Klein. Think Dylan’s Tarantula. Then think some more and think Kathy Acker’s Tarantula.

Or, don’t think at all. I know I don’t.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I write down the first sentence that starts off my favorite novel.

Relative. I’m not much of a theory guy. But sometimes I think there was a reason why Einstein was a technical assistant in the Swiss patent office.

Let me fill your cup.

Twitter accepts photos, but is mainly text-based. I like to combine the two and tweet both photo and text.

I called the photo/text tweets I was posting . . . “The Family.”

I posted photos of my extended family . . . mother, brother, sister, nieces, cousins, uncles, aunts, in-laws, stepchildren, boy- and girlfriends. I would caption the photos with a short description of who, what, why . . . measuring my words so that they fit into the guidelines of the platform.

After posting the photo/text, I sent the information to my printer and inkjetted an 11 × 14 print of the marriage. I made thirty-eight “Family” tweets.

Distribution.

I placed each “Family” tweet in a plastic sleeve and pushpinned the sleeve to the wall. The wall was at Karma. I put all thirty-eight up. Salon style. It was Saturday. The doors opened at 12 pm. By 12:15 pm all thirty-seven were gone. One to a customer. I kept the one that had my father, mother, and sister in it. (My father and mother were naked, and my sister was sitting in between. My family wasn’t like yours. Hobnob doesn’t begin to describe them.) I sold the “Family Tweets” for $12 each. First come, first served.

Well, well, well . . .

In ma ma ma my wheeeeeeeel house.

I used to stutter. By the ninth grade, the sparkle was in my eye. It got so bad, the impediment turned me into a clam. I slept all day, every day. I wouldn’t get up until Sunday. I waited for Bonanza to come on the TV. I loved the cowboy father and his three sons.

Two summers ago, my niece was working for me out on Long Island and she showed me how to screen save. I didn’t know about the option. What other options don’t I know about?

Screen Save.

This might be one of the best applications in an apparatus that I’ve ever encountered. All-time. Hall of fame. First place. Just what I need. MORE photographs.

Hey kids . . . what time is it?

Now I have a theory.

I was beside myself.

Congratulations.

This past spring, and half the summer, the iPhone became my studio. I signed up for Instagram. I pushed things aside. I made room. It was easy. I ignored Tumblr, and Facebook had never interested me. But Instagram . . .

I started off being RichardPrince4.

I quickly recognized the device was a way to get the lead out. If Twitter was editorial . . . then Instagram was advertising.

A gazillion people.

Besides cats, dogs, and food, people put out photos of themselves and their friends all the time, every day, and, yes, some people put themselves out twice on Mondays. I started “following” people I knew, people I didn’t know, and people who knew each other. It was innocent. I was on the phone talking to Jessica Hart and had just looked at her “gram” feed before picking up the phone. I asked about a picture she posted of herself standing in front of a fireplace wearing what looked to be ski clothes and big fur boots. The post was in black and white, head to toe, full figure, and behind her, above the mantel, there was a portrait of Brigitte Bardot. I told her someone should make a portrait out of this photo. She said, “Why don’t you?”

Come to think of it.

I’m not sure if she knew about my Family Tweets. She might have. I think we even talked about them after she came to my studio for a visit. After I got off the phone, I thought about her suggestion: “Why don’t you?”

I went back to her feed and screen saved her “winter” photo. I sent the save to my computer, pressed “empty subject,” pressed “actual size,” and waited for it to appear in a doc, checked the margins and crop, clicked on the doc, and sent it to my printer. My inkjet printer printed out an 11 × 14-inch photo on paper . . . I took the photo out of the tray and put it on my desk.

Looking at Jessica’s feed reminded me of 1984. Except this time I had more than five photos to choose from. I went back to her feed a second time. I scrolled thru maybe a hundred photos she had posted and looked at all the ones that included her. The one in front of the fireplace was still the best.

Walk on.

Jessica had tons of followers. Thousands. And a lot of them had “commented” on what she posted. I read all the comments that had been posted under her fireplace photo. There was one comment I wish I could have gotten in my original screen save. When you screen save an Instagram image, you can get maybe three, four comments in the save if you include the person’s “profile” icon that appears on the upper left of the page. I decided early on I wanted the person’s icon to be part of the save. But what else could I save?

I went back to my desk and kept staring at the printout of Jessica. What do I do now?

I didn’t want to paint it.

I didn’t want to mark it.

I didn’t want to add a sticker.

Whatever I did, I wanted it to happen INSIDE and before the save. I wanted my contribution to be part of the “gram.” I didn’t want to do anything physical to the photograph after it was printed.

Five cents.

I went back to the comment.

I commented on Jessica’s photo in front of the fireplace, but my comment was one of hundreds and showed up outside, way down at the bottom . . . out of the frame.

If I wanted my comment to show up near her picture . . . how?

I got lucky.

I’m terrible when it comes to the tech side of technology. But somehow I figured out how to hack into Jessica’s feed and swipe away all her comments and add my own so that it would appear under her post. The hack is pretty simple and anyone can do it. You hit the gray comment bar and pick a comment you don’t want and swipe with your finger to the left, and a red exclamation mark appears. You press on the exclamation mark and four things come onto the bottom of your screen.

1. Why are you reporting this comment?

2. Spam or Scam

3. Abusive Content

4. Cancel

To get rid of the comment, you click on Spam or Scam. It’s gone. Just like that I could control other people’s comments and Jessica’s own comments. And the comment that I added could now be near enough to Jessica’s photo that when I screen saved it, my comment would “show up.” Make sense? It’s about as good as I can do. What can I say? Einstein and cuckoo . . .

So now . . .

So now I was in.

Waiting to follow.

Richardprince4 would appear at the bottom of Jessica’s final portrait. My comment, whatever it would be, would always be the last comment. The last say so. Say so. That’s good. That could work. My “in” was what I ended up saying. And what I would say would be everything I ever knew . . . what I knew now and what I would know in the future.

Tell Me Everything.

Finnegans Wake meets MAD magazine.

Zoot Horn Rollo. You seem to be where I belong (emoji).

The first three portraits I did were of women I knew. Or almost knew. Jessica, I knew. Pam Anderson, I knew. Sky Ferreira? I didn’t know, but was following her and had been reading about her new album and seeing posters of her album broadsided on sheets of ply on the Bowery and on Lafayette near Bond. I wasn’t sure what I was doing or why I chose these three. I just had lunch with Pam and had seen Jessica in LA. Sky, I was following because she seemed interesting. There was nothing more. No attraction. No fan. No desire. No date. No wanting anything from her. And the pictures she posted were candid, boozy, and seemed to be letting the viewer in on some kind of backstage diary. She also had thousands of people following her, and I could tap into her followers and follow them. I can do that? I didn’t even know I could follow the followers. Like I said, the hardware was all new . . . and I was just getting started.

The shoreline is never the same. (Like it should be.)

When I first started getting rid of comments, I thought the person whose comments I was getting rid of might get pissed. “What happened to all my comments?” I found out quickly that “the getting rid of” only affected my feed. The deleted comments didn’t affect the followers’ feeds. Their comments were still there even though they were gone from mine. All that happened is that MY comment showed up below their photo. Was I allowed? Yes. I guess so. It’s hard to explain. But the process is open, and at the moment, it’s the way it works and anyone and everyone can do it.

The language I started using to make “comments” was based on Birdtalk. Non sequitur. Gobbledygook. Jokes. Oxymorons. “Psychic Jujitsu.”

Some of the language came directly from TV. If I’m selecting a photo of someone and adding a comment to their gram and an advertisement comes on . . . I use the language that I hear in the ad. Inferior language. It works. It sounds like it means something. What’s it mean? I don’t know. Does it have to mean anything at all? I think about James Joyce confessing to Nora Barnacle. I think about opening up to page 323 of Finnegans Wake. Then I think about notes and lyricism. Policy. Whisper. Murmurs. Mantra. Quotation. Advice.

Chamber Music.

Didn’t Duke Ellington say, “If it sounds good, it is good”? He did say that, didn’t he?

Who are these people?

Larry Clark, Diane Arbus, Robert Mapplethorpe take great portraits. I’ve watched Larry take photos and I don’t know how he does it. I wouldn’t know where to begin. I could never go up to a stranger and ask them if I could take their picture. I’ve done it maybe two or three times and didn’t enjoy it. That part of art is in Larry. It isn’t in me. I feel more comfortable in my bedroom looking thru Easyriders and poring over pictures of “girlfriends” that are right there on the page. Page after page. Looking. Wondering. Anticipating. Hoping. What will be on the next page? Will I find a girlfriend that I really like? That’s my relationship with what’s out there. It’s as close as I want to get. That’s what’s in me.

IG is a bedroom magazine.

I can start out with someone I know and then check out who they follow or who’s following them, and the rabbit hole takes on an out-of-body experience where you suddenly look at the clock and it’s three in the morning. I end up on people’s grids that are so far removed from where I began, it feels psychedelic. Further. I’m on the bus. I feel like I’m part of Kesey’s merry tribe. I’m reminded of Timothy Leary’s journals, which I purchased years ago from John McWhinnie, and the concentration that came over me when I discovered his hand-drawn map of his escape from jail. How he literally shimmied on a wire that had been strung up from an outer utility building to the perimeter prison wall . . . and how I would trace with my finger his overland express to Tangier, where he hooked up with Black Panther Eldridge Cleaver and spent the next year seeking asylum in different parts of North Africa, ultimately ending up in Switzerland where his ex-wife ratted him out, and how fighting extradition took up the rest of his life. Wow, now it’s four in the morning.

Tune In, Turn On, Come Out.

“Trolling.”

If you say so.

I never thought about it that way. The word has been used to describe part of the process of making my new portraits. I guess so. It’s not like I’m on the back of a boat throwing out chum.

“We’re going to need a bigger boat.”

Included.

Everyone is fair.

Game.

An even playing field.

“Outside my cabin door. Said the girl from the red river shore.”

Men. Women. Men and women. Men and men. Women and women. Blacks Whites Latinos Asian Arabs Jews Straights Gays Transgender. Tattoos and scars. Hairy.

I don’t really know the score.

The ones I adore.

I just know where I belong.

“Oh, there I go. From a man to a memory.”

How do I tell you who or why I pick? I can’t. It would be like telling you why I pick that joke. WHY THAT ONE? There’s thousands of jokes. I read them all. It takes days to read just one joke book. 101 of the World’s Funniest Jokes. Days. If I get one, find one, like one, out of the 101, it’s a good day.

People on IG lead me to other people. I spend hours surfing, saving, and deleting. Sometimes I look for photos that are straightforward portraits (or at least look straightforward). Other times I look for photos that would only appear, or better still . . . exist on IG. Photos that look the way they do because they’re on the gram. Selfies? Not really. Self-portraits. I’m not interested in abbreviation. I look for portraits that are upside down, sideways, at arm’s length, taken within the space that a body can hold a camera phone. What did de Kooning say? “When I spread my arms out, it’s all the space I need.”

At first I wasn’t sure how to print the portrait. I tried different surfaces, different papers. Presentation? Frame? Matt? Shadowbox? I tried them all. Finally this past spring my lab introduced me to a new canvas, one that was tightly wound, a surface with hardly any tooth. Smooth to the touch. Almost as if the canvas were photo paper. It was also brilliantly white. I don’t think it could be any whiter. And . . . the way the ink jetted into the canvas was a surprise. It fused in a way that made the image slightly out of focus. Just enough. The ink was IN and ON the canvas at the same time. When I first saw the final result, I didn’t really know what I was looking at. A photographic work or a work on canvas? The surprise was perfect. Perfect doesn’t come along very often. The color that had been transferred from the file of the computer to the jet, from jet to canvas, was intense, saturated, rich. If someone I followed had blue hair, their hair looked like it had been dyed directly onto the canvas. Dye job. Rinsed. Beauty salon. It was brilliant, great color. You might call it “vibrant.” The vibe between the image and the process was “sent away for,” seamless, effortless . . . all descriptions I used to use when I tried describing my early “pens, watches, and cowboys.” (Has it really been forty years?) The ingredients, the recipe, “the manufacture,” whatever you want to call it . . . was familiar but had changed into something I had never seen before. I wasn’t sure it even looked like art. And that was the best part. Not looking like art. The new portraits were in that gray area. Undefined. In-between. They had no history, no past, no name. A life of their own. They’ll learn. They’ll find their own way. I have no responsibility. They do. Friendly monsters.

Speak for yourself.

To fit in the world takes time.

For now, all I can say is . . . they’re the only thing I’ve ever done that has made me happy.

http://www.richardprince.com/writings/bird-talk

#Richard Prince #Gagosian

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modernsocialmediaau · 4 years

Text

a dropped penny said this feels so liberating

February 27, 2015

Camila's POV

First day of the Reflection Tour. Holy Shit. I'm going on tour! I've never imagined in my life that this could happen. I just thought I'd still be stuck in my room performing and never coming out but, now I'm here. I've got 4 amazing best friends, an amazing boyfriend and an awesome job what could possibly go wrong?

" Girl you ready? " Dinah asks while I fixed my hair, I felt weird having it parted on the left or right, seeing that it's usually in the middle. While fixing my hair I could hear Dinah repeatedly taping her foot outside the door and I couldn't help but laugh.

" In a second, this doesn't just happened you know, " I joke, walking out of the dressing room following her to the meet and greet.

Our meet and greet. Ours.

" Girl whatchu talkin about we got a whole team dedicated to help us with all......this. " she said making a circle around her face, and lightly tapping her chin indicating the perfection that was her hair and face.

" Hush up. " I giggled linking our forearms together trying to catch up to the other girls.

You'd think by now I'd get use to the idea of screaming fans and adoring gifts but I still get so emotional. I mean I was in their shoes for who knows how long, screaming for strangers. Having fan accounts, writing/reading fan fictions and even making videos for my OTP which meant Harry and I (embarrassing). Mami use to think it was weird to love some stranger that I barely knew, but it's kinda hard to explain.

" CAMILA! CAMILA! CAMILA! " some girls shouted and I smiled at them and waved.

We first started with a couple of acoustic performances, a few questions and then onto meet and greets. Our first fan was a girl named Emily who greeted us in tears. She came to into my arms for a hug and I couldn't have been happier to squeeze her with love.

" O-my hands are shaking. " Emily said as she laughs hysterically not fully grasping the situation unfolding in front of her.

" It's alright we'll shake along with you, " I joked and started shaking while the other girls followed

" I love you so much, " she cried into our arms as we gave her one of our warmest group hugs

" Oh we love you, " we surprisingly responded in unison.

" So what would like us to do babes? " Lauren asked smilingly wrapping her arm around Emily, making her almost faint. You could tell she was weak in the knees. Lauren always had that affect on people, I would know.

" Can we pretend to make it rain? " she laughs at herself,

" With what tho? " Dinah asked

" Oh-uhm-I already prepared this. " she takes out fake money and shreds of green paper, " Ay! " we all cheered.

" Yes! Girl you are ready!! " Mani cheered as she evenly handed out the slips of paper or fake money and I prepared myself to make it rain.

" We didn't choose the thug life the thug life choose us. " I said earning weird looks from Ally, Normani, and Dinah while Lauren and Emily laughed

" Ready 1,2,3 " the photographer and onto the next fans.

About 30 minutes within the meet and greet, I decided to act cute by holding Lauren's hands and let one of my legs pop out. As soon as that shutter clicked the screams got louder, a few aw's, and they started screaming a name I recognized.

" CAMREN! CAMREN! CAMREN! " they continued to cheer After the two girls left I whispered to Lauren, " Camren? " I feel like this was a discussion topic before, but I just can't remember. She shifts uneasily away from me making me question her even more.

I looked at the others girls, Dinah gave me an I-got-no-clue, Ally gave me a sorry-I-don't-know-either, and Normani gave me nothing it's like she didn't hear me.

" Lauren? " I ask snapping her out of her thoughts

" Sorry Cam-Camila, " she stutters,

Odd. ~~~

I decided after the meet and greet I'll search up Camren. I mean I know it's a ship name but where have I heard it before? While the hairdresser fixed my hair I searched it up on my phone. They're were Tumblr tags which I obviously clicked on.

It was Lauren and I.

Oh right.

Now I remember, Camren. That same name that gave me hope, Camren. That idea of Lauren actually finally saying she loved me back, Camren. At the same time, the same lie that tore me down every single day of my life until I realized. Camren wasn't and will never be real. Thank you, Camren.

" Lauren! " I said catching her attention. The older woman looked up from her phone and gave me surprised look.

" Look, " I hand her my phone and watch as she scrolled through the tag,

" Weren't we cute? " I said trying to lightly tread over the subject. Camren hasn't exactly been the best towards me, and it still feels like a fresh wound.

In the beginning it was hell because , well, I wanted it to be true. But the more I thought of it the more scared and untrue it became the more awkward it got.

" Super " she says boringly I guess she's not too fond of it at the moment. We use to take so much pride of owning and loving our friendship, but now....nothing. It's like there is no Camren.

" Right, no wonder they were screaming that, " I laugh at myself while she agreed, still holding something back,

" Are you okay? " I ask

" Yea. " she fakes a smile

" You're a horrible liar, Are you sure? " I turn to her making the hairdresser mad I gave her sorry and continued to pay attention to Lauren. I know I had no right talking to her as if icing her out never happened but that was the only way to get over her. The only way for me to move on, and the idea of her knowing that there was even a " her " to move on from, was unbearable.

" Yeah Camila, just tired you know, " she fakes,

" It's the first day of tour, " I say making her lightly chuckle, taking me by surprise. I haven't really heard her laugh or chuckle like that in a while.

" Well you know me, working hard or hardly working, " that was the last thing she said before she left.

I nod trying to understand that we can no longer talk to each other how we use too. What I mean by that is, joke around, playfully hit each other, pretend to flirt and-I don't even know anymore. We're just awkward now.

~~~

Lauren's POV

Couple minutes earlier...

" Lauren, " Camila called

" Look, " she hands me her phone and watch as I scrolled through our tag. I had to be careful as to how I would react to this Camren stuff.

This wasn't the first time this was brought up to us privately and publicly. And every time it was brought up she somehow dodged it faster than she can dodge a bullet but it hasn't happened in quite a while. Like a year long, so yeah a while. Back then (X-Factor first part of Harmonize America) we didn't seem to care we were just friends, but Austin came into the picture. Then one day she practically just stopped being my best friends. I mean she got close to the other girls and so did I. Ever since then we have had this awkward friendship hiatus. Or whatever she'd like to call it.

" Isn't that cute, "

Cute? That is beyond the farthest thing I thought she would have said. It's like she had amnesia for a year because she suddenly sparks an interest in our past. 1 month into her ignoring me the girls decided it was to act as if there was no Camren, Camren was not a word, nor did it ever happen. Our friendship seem to vanish in thin air.

" Super " I don't think I'm angry about it I mean it's been a year and stuff but now it's like I'm just numb. I mean we use to be inseparable and now we can't even be in a room together without making it awkward enough for one of us to leave.

" Right, no wonder they were screaming that, " she laughs at herself while I agreed carefully. That's the keyword here, well every time I should say. Anytime we have a conversation I always have to keep in mind to be CAREFUL as to how I approach each conversation, it's like walking on eggshells.

" Are you okay? " she asks

" Yea. " I fake a smile

" You're a horrible liar, Are you sure? " she turns to me making the hairdresser mad, she gave her sorry and continued to pay attention to me

" Yeah Camila, just tired you know, " I make up, and yea I don't call her Camz anymore because I'm scared. That's what it's like now, scary.

" It's the first day of tour, " she says making me naturally chuckle.

" Well you know me, working hard or hardly working, " I said jokingly and walked away from her.

After I left the room I began to panic, I walk past the dressing room and looked for Normani. I walked passed about 5 different hallways until I found her walking out of the bathroom.

" Normani! " I scream making her jump and look at me worriedly

" What? Whats wrong? " she says while we held each other's forearm dramatically

" Camila, she's-talking to me? " I mutter, I know what your thinking why should I be panicking about her talking to me. And the reason to that is last time this happened things went too far. For one thing I almost lost my mind trying to get answers as to what I did to her, making her ignore me. Secondly, I almost told her I loved her. Still love.

" Oh. " her eyes popped open and began to worry along with me. Normani's has been my rock through this whole experience she knows every single thing that has happened like a map.

•••

" Alright girls can we run it from the top for Better Together? Make sure your are in sync and one with each other. " Sean snapped at us trying to bring us back. We're currently in the middle of rehearsing and putting together our opening act for Demi's Neon Lights Tour. Not only that, 2 weeks from now the tour starts and so does finishing our first official album, so everything is pretty hectic.

" Lauren? " Normani clapped getting my attention, I guess I was the only one left seeing that the rest of the girls were in their position. I released a small huff and weak smile before running to my spot. I watch Normani give me a questioning smile, and I just shook it off and got my head in the choreo.

After rehearsals the girls and I were cleaning up our stuff, seeing that I didn't usually make a mess of things I finished rather quickly so I decided to talk to Camila.

" Hey Camz, " I lightly tap her shoulder, she quickly shuttered away. Ouch.

" Hi Lauren, " she says coldly, I shook it off and just continued to smile.

" The Notebook and Chill tonight? " I joke hoping she'd finally crack a smile at me.

" I-uhhm-I can't--because I've-Uhm-I've got plans. " she struggled to finished.

" Oh, alright. " I sighed almost reaching towards her for a hug goodbye.

" Yeah, maybe next time? " she let out a fake smile before walking away from our short and meaningless conversation. " Sure. " I whisper. I felt the formation of tears come but I couldn't let them out yet, not here not now. I let out a sniffle and quickly gathered the tears on my index finger letting them go, that's when a felt a familiar gesture of comfort. Which was Normani wrapping her shoulder around me and asking;

" Can you tell me now? I've watched the same thing unfold over 100 times in 3 months, maybe it's good to finally talk about it? "

Seeing the tour started her in LA we decided to stay until we left for the tour. The girls and I stayed at our usual hotel with our usual sleeping arrangements but I wish I was rooming with Camila.

After the release of our EP and promo tour she's been so cold, it's like after we got signed we hung out less and less. And even if we did it wasn't for more than 5 hours, I get it she's got other friends and stuff but why the sudden cold shoulder.

And at the mention of our ship name Carmen it's like she's disgusted, which doesn't make sense because we created Camren.

" What's going on Lo? " Mani wondered as we entered our hotel room. I placed my bag down on the floor, and plopped down my bed faced down. I let out a groan before I felt the tears fell and the song of sobs began.

" Lauren? " she questions lifting my shoulder and turning me over, " Okay you're worrying me, please tell me what's wrong? " she then say me up and pulled me into a really really tight hug.

" Lauren please tell me what's wrong? I gave you space and waited for an explanation for but now I could careless. This isn't you, for the past 3 months I've watched you approach Camila then come back here and mope. Please tell me what's happening. " she practically begged making me cry even more.

" I'll grab you some tissues and water and I'll be right back okay, " she stood up from my bed and walked away to grab what she said she would while I grabbed the pillow behind me. I brought the pillow to my chest and watched Mani come walking back to me with the items.

I used a couple of tissues to clear my nose and drank some water to wet my super dry throat.

" Lauren? " she asked once more. " Camila hates me. " I state making her scoff not believing me, but seeing that I started to cry again she knew I was serious.

" Where'd you get that idea? " she rubbed my shoulder and brought my head on her shoulder.

" She won't talk to me, she won't even acknowledge my presence. " I cried into her shoulder, " Shh...shh...that's a bit ridiculously isn't it? I mean you and Mila are like best friends. " she explained trying to convince other wise.

" Are we? "

•••

" Okay what about? I think we've established your love for her, " she jokes trying to lighten the mood

" Camren. She knows! Mani she knows! SHE'S FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT! " I say almost breaking into tears shocking her. Her eyes widen and gave me a quick hug before saying

" Hey, hey, hey listen to me let's go on the bus okay, " she drags me out as tears began to pour

We left the venue and found our way to the bus, thankfully there was no one there. We walked to the back of the bus since we know that's where we would get more privacy there.

" Tell me what happened? " she asks sitting across from me

" Didn't you hear her question earlier? " I ask hugging my knees to my chest

" Yes, but I tried to act like I didn't hear it, and it hasn't really come up in months specially from her side. So it was weird," she answered

"Yea but now I'm getting flashbacks about those horrible months with her giving me such a cold shoulder. And now it's even worse because it's like she's trying to play some fucked up game. Where she'd gained my trust again, figure out what I'm hiding, then ice me out again because of said secret. "

" Wait! So she doesn't actually know? " she interrupts me

" Well-no, " I answer, she sighs loudly

" Listen to me honey, maybe she finally realized that what she did was wrong and she's just trying to rekindle your friendship okay. Just don't act suspicious during the subject, " She advised

" But that's what I'm worried about, what if she questions me about it. " I began to sob again. She stood up and walked to my side

" Don't give her a reason to read into it. Okay, don't give them a reason to think my that you know somethin-"

" But I do. " I interrupt

" Yes and only you and I know about that. " she smiles comforting me

" What if she finds out, I can't take another ice cold Camila. I like how everything is and I've accepted it. " I say while she sat there sarcastically laughing, I looked at her not getting what was so funny about what I said.

" Are you serious? " she stood back up

" What? "

" You like how everything is? Are you serious? HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY ACCEPT SOMETHING UNNECESSARY! Listen to me you don't deserve this okay, she should have given you an explanation. I seriously thought that during that last month of Neons Lights Tour everything would be back normal again. I didn't think it could get any worse, never did I ever imagine that she could do it again. Not only that as soon as you almost confessed you love she wave around the idea of her and Austin. It's as if burning you twice wasn't enough for her. I love Mila as much as the next girl but that's not how she should've handle the situation. " she paced while I disappointingly agreed

" I didn't think it would be this bad Mani, I really didn't. It's just a crush. " I sobbed

" I know, I know. But you still need to know the truth.This is how Camren should've been handled, not ignored." she caresses my hair comforting me

" Well I can't tell her! You saw how she acted, about this Mani! " I defended myself

" Alright I see your point? But it's just a crush and your not a lesbian " she says

" Who isn't a lesbian? "Camila walked into the back scaring Mani and I

" Uh, Rebel Wilson " Mani quickly answered

" Oh that's a bummer, " she smiles

" Hey are you okay? " she asked and Mani looked at me with a act-normal look before she left

" Yea just really nervous, " I say caressing my hands

" Why? You've performed so many times before? " she laughs and sits down next to me

I shift a little more to my left to have some space between us, but that only made her come closer.

Come on Lauren! Act normal!

" Well it's our first official tour where it's just us, you know, " I say looking at her

Her eyes their so simple and cute I could stare at them all day. Some might say that brown is plain and boring but not hers it's like every time I look in them I can see all the amazing things she can do. My mom always said if you ever fall in love with somebody don't fall for their looks but fall for their eyes because the eyes are the only that lasts forever. They are so mesmerizing, and her hair her perfectly curly light colored hair falling on her shoulder we're just killers. If looks could kill, I would be dead.

" Lo? " she surprisingly says, haven't heard that in a while " Yea? " I weakly smiled

" I said, it won't matter what happened we're all in this together. " she smiles holding my hand.

" Right, well I have to get my make-up done again, so I'll see you later. " I got up from the couch and left the bus

When I step foot onto the pavement someone grabbed my arm and pulled me to the front of the bus.

" Mani what the hell? " I say

" What happened? " she asks eagerly

" Nothing, now seriously I have to get my make up done again. " I plainly answered

She nods her head and we made our way back to our dressing room. This is going to be one long and interesting tour.

A/N Guys I hoped you liked the first chapter please lemme know ;)

Here are some helpful tips for the future: (•••): Flashback (---): Next Scene (*Words*): Phone Call

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zoobus · 5 years

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🔥

I dare Tumblr to lose my post again🔫

People in general have a very narrow idea of what qualifies as abuse and who can be an abuser and that makes it extraordinarily difficult to discuss it in places that don't already agree with you. This goes beyond whether there's a difference between spanking your kids vs beating them - The Johnny Depp situation brought this to the front of my mind, the countless people smirkingly telling on themselves - if that shit makes Johnny an abuser, my mom's an abuser 🙄 my dad is. My boss is. I'm an abuser🤪

All said in confidence and in good humor, because they don't actually view what happened (to Amber or to themselves or to the people dependant upon them) as TRUE abuse.

1. It's not abuse because this person loves me/your abuser never loved you or they wouldn't be an abuser. This is a really popular sentiment across the spectrum and I'm not sure why? Maybe people find it helpful, but I don't follow. I would describe my childhood as abusive, my parents as controlling and in that "children are property more than people" camp. They still love me. I don't doubt that at all. Them loving me does not negate the abuse or the damage done. People can love you and still harm you. They are not entitled to your forgiveness or reciprocal love. You love me, okay. What's that got to do with me?

2. Can of worms: I think we should show more empathy to abusers who were also abused. This is difficult to wrap into a single point but this is more about if we accept that victims often don't perceive themselves as such because they have internalized their treatment as the norm, and need some paradigm shift to reconsider otherwise... I feel like that also applies to abusers who don't see themselves as such. A lot of anti-abuse rhetoric amounts to "lmfao just don't hurt people, it's not that fucking hard" and yeah that is not actually useful -sincerely zoo "my father constantly told us of the horrible acts of physical and emotional violence his father committed against him, thus I am now instantly distrustful of anyone who says they want to become a parent so they can be the mom/dad theirs never was, because i already know your barometer for what constitutes suffering is fucked up" bus

3. The tendency to trivialize our problems by way of starving-children-in-africaing is harmful framing. How can you recognize your parents putting extensive child blocks on your computer and expecting you to hand over your phone for them to review because they don't want their 17yo straying from God's path as abuse? My 40 something aunt still has whip burns on her back from her father's style of parenting I'm going to use the same words to describe my plight of being given a FREE phone and pc?🙄🤪 It's an escalation no one wins because

-me, abused? I'm only being yelled at everyday. We're a loud family! It's not like my family is

-removing my door? Come on now, they told me it would happen if i couldn't keep my room clean. There are full grown adults who are

-not allowed to leave the house without their permission and explicit knowledge of where I'm going and who I'm with, with the expectation they will call those people among others to ensure I'm not lying does NOT constitute as abuse lmao😂 their house, their rules, plus they just want me to be safe. It's not like they ever

-locked me out of the house? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes 🙃 was it cold and was i crying to be let in? Sure. Was I obedient from that point on? You better believe it!

4. It is nigh impossible to grasp the full extent of how abuse and constant stress affects you until you're out. Cringe tales time! 😬😎I was a bedwetter well into adulthood. It was humiliating and I was degraded for it often, sometimes publicly, more than likely in the hopes i would stop out of embarrassment. I was dragged to doctors about it, one who pulled an exaggerated face of revulsion, dramatically stepped back, and loudly whispered did I knew that wasn't normal for someone in my age bracket before aggressively insinuating I needed to tell her about the sexual abuse I was definitely experiencing (god i still want to fight this woman). I thought I was a freak, and I researched bladder surgery, anything that would fix me

Anyway, guess what stopped happening after I moved into my own apartment, could financially support myself, and had limited interactions with my family

Go ahead guess.

5. Just to end this on a kinda positive note, it's okay to forgive your abuser and/or let them back in your life if you so choose

I hear people say this is the norm, but I haven't come across it. sometimes people have fucked you over or hurt you in some way, and sometimes those same people can come back as better humans. They are not entitled to their forgiveness and they are not entitled a spot back in your life

But if you are accepting of it, if you are able to recognize that you didn't deserve what they did to you AND that they have genuinely changed into someone you might want in your life, it's okay and you're not a pathetic apologist, you're not a hypocrite, you're not turning your back on your younger self. Life throws curveballs.

#abuse tw #long post #for the last point I'm mainly referring to people who were terrible in their youth

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pickledchickenetti · 5 years

Text

So I’ve had something on my mind for the last week or two that I’ve been trying to figure out how to best start a post about and coming up short. We all know that I have a tendency to be long-winded, and some of this post is going to be stream of consciousness, at least moreso than my usual longer posts, which I usually wait to start until I have a pretty solid idea of what I want to say and how I want to say it. I may go back and edit this some at the end, I may not, probably depends on how it comes out. (Edited at the end to add: I’m not editing anything. It’s long and I’m not expecting anyone to force themselves through it, but thanks to those who do!) Since this is partially me using my blog as a place to ruminate on some things, I’m going to put it under a read more for those who don’t want to have it clogging up their dashboard.

Lately I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings regarding social media and what voices and mindsets I allow to be a part of my everyday life. I put a lot of effort into carefully treading the line between taking unnecessary negativity out of my social media feeds and creating an echo chamber where I only see people who agree with me. Most of the time, the decision comes down to the tone and intent. If someone is consistently rude, angry, or condescending, with very little useful contribution to any conversation I unfollow them. This applies to people on Facebook who constantly use slurs, post hateful things about people with opposing beliefs or political stances (even if I generally agree with that person’s beliefs or stances) with little attention to facts, and it also applies to people here are just needlessly rude with no real contributions to the overall conversation.

The older I get, the more I find choosing kindness to be a priority in my life. I’m not perfect; I fully admit there are still times when I’m rude or condescending. Sometimes this is an accident, and unfortunately sometimes it isn’t. I don’t like this, and I try especially hard not to be intentionally condescending. Kindness is a choice, and progress takes time.

As I’m sure most of you know, I am often very critical of @kristagay‘s posts. I still stand by many, possibly even most, of the opinions I’ve shared. Kindness is important to me, but it’s also important to me to not let other people’s hurtful words or actions go unchecked when I have the ability to say/do something. (This applies to everyone in my radar, not just Krista.) I have very strong opinions on a number of subjects, but it’s especially important to me to speak up in defense of others in the LGBTQA community as that’s a community I belong to and those struggles are more personal to me.

A little while back, I got a string of anons (many were answered, some were deleted) that made it seem like someone was trying to create some sort of feud between me and Krista. As I said in one of the posts at that time, I was under no illusion that Krista was reading any of my posts that didn’t tag her directly, and had no interest in any sort of feud. Krista does not follow me, and in general does not seem to interact much on Tumblr beyond asks to her and posts she is directly tagged in (or reblogs/comments on her posts of course). I would likely be the same way if I stumbled onto a community of people discussing every little detail of people I was friends with in real life. I would want to set the record straight and defend my friends while also respecting their privacy, and as a result I doubt I’d interact much anyway. I respect her choice to not discuss them at all, even the things seen on TV, and hope she will continue to make that choice no matter how annoying people asking her for info might get. (And to Pickles and anyone else who has crossed the line and sent her intentionally inflammatory messages/questions about the Duggars or hate for the sake of hate, please kindly delete your accounts and learn how to interact with actual humans in a respectful way.)

When I got the string of anons asking me about Krista, I took a step back and tried to objectively examine why I followed Krista, why I continued to devote energy in responding to her posts, and if it was worth my time and emotional energy to continue doing so. The difference I found between Krista’s posts, which do often frustrate me, and posts from others who I have chosen to unfollow and/or block is the intent and context behind the posts.

At the end of the day, Krista and I are very similar. We were both raised in very conservative families/churches, who had different plans for us than the lives we’ve chosen to pursue. We’ve both come to believe differently about God than the churches we were raised in. And we both know what it’s like to have to keep up appearances, especially online, in order to not destroy (or majorly hurt) relationships with people in our lives offline who it’s still important to maintain a relationship with.

There are a couple big differences between us. First of all, I’m gay. I came to believe differently than the church I was raised in largely because I’ve had to just to be who I am and not feel depressed and suicidal all the time. When you grow up gay in a conservative family, life gives you two choices: shut off who you are and spend your life convincing yourself you are who you were told you were supposed to be or do major amounts of soul-searching to figure out who you are and how to accept yourself. When you’re already evaluating one major aspect of who you are and what you believe it becomes nearly impossible to not do that same evaluation on the other beliefs you were raised in. Because of this process, I’ve come to see a lot of hypocrisy and downright lies in the belief system I was raised in. This has pushed me into developing a pretty strong set of opinions, beliefs, and political stances that stand in stark contrast to my family and lifelong family friends.

As a cisgendered straight woman, Krista did not have this huge thing forcing her to do major soul-searching. Despite this, she has done soul-searching, and seems to still be doing it. (It’s really a lifelong process, after all.) She has stepped out into a world that she likely didn’t consider being able to live in as a little girl. She’s pursued an educational and career path that’s impressive for even women who were raised being encouraged to focus on education, so for someone in her church and belief system to get to where she is is monumental, and for that I applaud her. So while I definitely disagree with her beliefs on a number of subjects, and will continue to say so (with thoughtful responses, not just complaints) when I feel her posts call for it, I am doing my best to remember that no one was born perfect, and she is still learning just as much as the rest of us are. I’ve said many times that I really do believe her intentions are good, and I stand by that belief. She’s learning. She’s trying. She may be one of the more conservative voices in our tumblr community, but many of us have admitted we used to be worse than we are now, and she’s come a long way from who she once was too.

The other big difference between us, at least as far as tumblr goes, is that she has chosen to attach her name and face to her posts on here, and I have not. Many of you know who I am, follow me elsewhere, etc. That doesn’t change the fact that publicly, all you see is a food-based username and (currently) a photo of Jana Duggar on a boat. I share my first name, my age, and my general location. While someone who knew me offline could likely piece together my identity if they paid enough attention, I am careful to not overly-identify myself. This relative anonymity grants me the privilege of speaking freely online without worrying about offline consequences. Krista has not granted herself that same anonymity. I’m honestly a little embarrassed that I had never considered before the fact that she likely does not feel she can speak freely on Tumblr. I am very careful what I post on my other social media platforms. When my name and face are attached, I pretty much never mention LGBTQA issues for fear of outing myself and losing family members I’m not ready to lose. I don’t post about the abuses found in many Baptist churches or the lasting harmful effects I feel from my overly-religious childhood. This is partially to avoid a can of worms with a widespread ripple effect and partially out of respect for my parents and their desire to not have to defend me for believing things they don’t even agree with themselves. For Krista, the things she says here can and likely do affect her life offline, and it’s something that’s important to keep in mind when reading her posts.

I don’t say all of this to say that Krista gets a pass for hurtful things she says. We all are still accountable for the things we say, and she has chosen to put herself in the position of having to choose between saying things that will hurt her offline life, censoring herself, or staying silent. There are topics I still wish she would just address openly or not at all. But at the end of the day, she has the same right to censor herself here as I do elsewhere, and I will be trying to keep that in mind going forward. When interacting with her privately, she’s only ever proven herself to be kind and open to hearing what I have to say. In the future, I may give her the same respect I often give my offline friends where I just send her a DM to clarify her intent of a seemingly rude or hateful post instead of just calling her out publicly. We’re all learning, Krista included.

Social media, especially Tumblr, has given in to a dangerous mindset that’s often referred to as “cancel culture”. There are times when it is absolutely the right choice to “cancel” someone. Like I said at the beginning of my post, we have the right to choose what voices to allow into our feeds. We should all take advantage of that right and do what’s best for our mental health. I just think we should also be more mindful of context and intent when deciding whether or not to “cancel” someone. We all say we want young girls (and boys) in fundie communities to get out of that lifestyle and find better beliefs, but getting out doesn’t happen overnight. Many of us have the benefit of getting here after shedding many of our toxic beliefs. For those who aren’t there yet, I hope we will just remember to choose kindness and respect and do our best to be open to educating them without being hateful or derogatory.

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