i'm drunk and in my feels which means it's SAD BEV AND ZEE HEADCANON TIME

he calls her every day following her death to hear her voice on the outgoing message and to leave messages he knows will never be heard by her... until her phone service is cut off a month later due to lack of payment and his heart is broken once more

he visits her grave weekly the first few months, then occasionally after that, then he always visits her for her birthday and death day, as well as hanukkah. he's fallen asleep beside her grave multiple times

he always takes two shots in any bar for the first round of them in salute to her

he gave the eulogy at her funeral. you can read that here (grab tissues)

he's never had another friend like her and he never will again, she is a permanent void in his life, and there's no hope of filling it. he just has to learn to live with it ok bye

Jack: *about a flayed corpse at a Ripper scene* I just can't understand how someone can do this to another human being.

Will: Oh, you'd have to have a strong knowledge of anatomy...

Jimmy: A well-balanced cutting implement...

Zee: One that really holds its edge…

Bev: A floor drain would be helpful.

Jack: ... that cleared it up, thank you.

6, 8, 10 for B for the trauma asks??

Freddie calm down!!! Know peace!!

6. What’s their greatest fear?

I actually answered this for another ask game & still like my answer, so! Reposting it here:

B’s greatest fear is… their past. Though they have near total amnesia concerning their time on the Grand Geode, there’s a lot of things that drag those memories back up - the smell of the Zee, mechanical diagrams, bright lights… - and the brief flashes that surface are all laced with a truly terrifying blend of fear and longing. Essentially, B’s developed as many excuses to never have to be exposed to things that dredge those emotions up - their self proclaimed fear of the zee, for example. They hide from remembering as best they can, and harshly deny any memories that do come back as their own in order to try and squish the yearning (and burning) before it can take hold. Whatever they forgot - they forgot it for a reason.

Expanding on this a little bit, B’s fear of their past isn’t just tied to the yearning burning, it’s also tied to their general desire for freedom. Whoever they used to be isn’t who they are now, and so the idea of being defined by that (or others defining them by that) is something that’s… pretty complicated for B. Overall they don’t want to be confined, and everything that they’ve been able to glean from vague memories of their past just makes that desire worse.

8: Are they trusting or do they refuse to trust?

B’s generally pretty trusting, though not to the extent that I’d consider them naive. Their amnesia is pretty much the only thing they keep close to the chest. Emotionally they’re quite honest with people, and they dislike having to hide their intentions from people they care about - for better or worse, there’s a reason they’re the Reckless Playwright.

10: How do their friends and family think of them?

Family? B doesn’t have a blood family, not anymore. None of their relatives think about them in that manner - actually, none of their relatives think of them at all, anymore. It’s a heavy mark to bear, having a deserter under your name. People don’t speak their name back at home. Their family have chosen to forget. The person they were never existed - though the Penumbral Renegade is a name discussed with clear hatred.

As for past friends, well… we’ve all seen how Beverley is. His feelings are complicated, a mixture of not-quite-hatred and grief. They were his best friend, his first love, and he really doesn’t know how to deal with their absence. More than anything, Bev wants to bring B back home - but even he’s not sure if that’s the right thing to do anymore.

That’s not to say no one considers B family, though - Shaw definitely does, in his own way, considering them someone very dear to his heart if… a little bit much to handle sometimes. Current friends think generally highly of B, too!! Their life doesn’t totally suck I swear,

zee: gets a reply from a b.everly k.atz me: immediately bursts into tears

wheres the essay op i want whitsun bugs

there might not have been an essay before, but there is now! bugs and inverts are hugely overlooked. however, the victorians loved insects! they were huge inspirations in art, shells were used in fashion, so what would be more vogue than a giant bug for a pet?

(Punch, September 29, 1877)

the bulk of this talk will be under the cut but tl;dr is that arachnids still offer a lot of potential, beetles and moths live in the neath and were popular at the time, and there are a lot of lesser-known bugs that fit fallen london

also cw for bug images because there’s a lot of them beyond here, this is for people with good taste only

firstly: arachnids

FL has a lot of arachnids and this year’s whitsun saw the introduction of a squirrel with a scorpion tail! i think it’s a fun design personally, but arachnid companions are Not obsolete. the most relevant arachnids are crabs, and crabs are more varied than you might think!

(image by abc.net.au)

the yeti crab was the first crab to come to mind, related to hermit crabs and living in hydrothermal vents in the deep ocean. it means we’ve got another underground beast, and could you imagine this as a spired crab? it could be the product of shapeling arts, and the yeti crab’s famously hairy arms have the potential to be used as arm warmers or 1890s uggs for the discerning londoner!

there’s also the japanese giant spider crab, which might be more lanky than it’s neathy angler crab cousins, but look at those legs! how big do you think it is? how about taller than the average person?

you have to understand how badly i want to be this man they also inhabit vents near the bottom of the ocean (the crabs, not this man), they’re omnivores and one specimen’s measured in at 3.8 metres (12ft) across its outstretched legs! it’d probably be a dreaded companion by the sheer size of it, but imagine the walking sticks you could get from those legs

arrowhead crabs and horseshoe crabs are also runners up for this!

mites also came to mind, being small arachnids- the mite above is an adult female tea mite, and not much is known about mites! they’re primitive but have a terrible reputation, and FBG have shone the spotlight on other unloved creatures in the past. there’s also Caveat Emptor which tells us that the bazaar has parasites which are probably like mites? you could have your own romance vampire, surely nothing could go wrong

and if you’ve come here for spiders, how about the pelican spider? with a pelican-like head, pelican spiders prey exclusively on other spiders! isn’t that a fun way to counter sorrow spider infestations? introducing new species is a good thing, right?

higher tiers of this companion could start to own the whole pelican thing. i’ve seen monster designs of spiders with human heads but never a spider with a pelican head!

(image by me)

all he needs is some love and spiders

close arachnid contenders that i want to mention before this whole post is made up of eight-legged companions: camel spiders, harvestmen, and whip scorpions!

secondly: beetles

as john b. s. haldane once said, “god has an inordinate fondness for beetles”. and he’s right because there are more known species of beetle than types of mammal

in fact, the victorians fucking loved beetles (and butterflies but we’ll get to that)

we have phosphorescent scarabs as luminosity items and a few mentions of beetles in airs texts and in sunless sea, the latter where a beetle has been eating through your ship’s supplies. being from england, i have a vague idea of what sort of beetles would end up in london!

there are still stag beetles, rove beetles, and even cardinal beetles, but these by themselves might feel pretty basic. they’d be good t1 companions, but why not have a companion that’s a whole insect keeping setup? there’s even some colourful beauties like the scarlet malachite beetle which are now incredibly endangered

but if you want something Huge and Large and easily convertible into a fashion accessory, hercules beetles have a lot of potential! horns that can be used for knives in dockside brawls, or you could take most of the bug features and place them on a furry animal like a guinea pig since seas already gave us the guinea page

these beetles could also add diversity for the phosphorescent scarabs- and speaking of phosphorescent beetles, why not look to fireflies? they aren’t fire and nor are they flies, but to carry on with FBG’s habit of “slapping animals together to see what happens”, you could easily make something with the features of a firefly larvae

or you could take the even more interesting approach of having a grub the size of a cat, for example. hercules beetles have some of the largest larvae and the feast of the rose gave us maggots, so why not have one of these babies but the size of a cat? and glowing? they’re a possible light source that might make you more bizarre or respectable

a close runner up that i wanted to mention was diving beetles and how freaky they can get if they’ve adapted to the zee but the sabretooth longhorn beetle is going to close this segment as an embodiment of a dangerous and respectable companion- it already looks like it’s been carved out of wood! i think a carved polythreme beetle would be incredible

(see also: bombardier beetles, weevils, oil beetles, tiger beetles, harlequin beetles, trilobite beetles, and giraffe weevils!)

moths, and less commonly found underground, butterflies

another love of the victorians: butterflies!

butterflies are basically moths by a different name (there are way more moths than butterflies) and we do have canon dreams where a frostmoth the size of your head appears in your window, and wouldn’t that be useful for hunting in parabola? much like the beetles, there’s a lot of diversity that can be explored especially if we add shapeling arts

white plume moths are also found in the UK and just look at those wings

we can have a usual approach of adding the wings to something else, like a particularly unlucky bat, or just have something bizarre with the moth itself! more eyes? more eyes has been a common theme lately, or you can combine an insect with an arachnid and give it whip scorpion hands

these wings would be one hell of a decoration because white plume moths are considered to be micromoths

on the other end of the spectrum and taking the role of a respectable companion, the white witch moth is considered to be one of the largest insects on earth because of its wingspan! maybe they’re a more risky cousin of the frostmoth, maybe you could turn the markings on these wings into shifting sigils? don’t set your moths on fire

(image by Acrocynus)

white witch moths themselves have a lot of diversity while cup moths are another contender for an animal you could combine with another animal

(image by itchydogimages)

why not add the tail of a squirrel to this one? or a scorpion’s tail? a lion? with enough of these, you could end up with a very striking tawny coat. this thing is the embodiment of being neathproofed. even if they’re opposites of frostmoths and are associated with embers because of it, or if the tail is closer to being a candle!

moths are also good at mimicking in order to defend themselves, which is why you see so many moths and butterflies with eye patterns on their wings. birds hate eyes so much so there’s room for some real eyes on your brand new butterfly or moth companion

but some moths also mimic snakes, so for any fingerking fans out there: behold the atlas moth

this is such a mithridacy companion. can you imagine the t3 version of this where the snake heads are alive? we have a two-headed terror bird, so why not snakes on a moth? there’s even jokes to be made about one head telling truths and another telling lies, maybe the only head that could tell you the difference is the moths!

for butterflies themselves, we have butterflies that drink the tears of alligators and tortoises- so melancholy butterflies that only appear to feed on lacre? (and they might not be butterflies down here, you might’ve already mistaken a day-flying moth for a butterfly, not that the difference matters for much in the neath)

another strong mention is vampire moths if we’re carrying on the theme of insects drinking odd things, but a vampire moth with bat wings could be wonderful at ruining the lives of taxonomists

luna moths are also massive and could be more fitting now that we know who the creditor is, and that whitsun is talking so much about the bazaar and the masters

other lesser-known but interesting insects

we don’t entirely need to cover bees and wasps but it would be nice to have a piece of media showing wasps in a way that doesn’t present them as evil, but wasps could wait until hell is really significant again since wasps and bees are incredibly cool cousins. and thread waisted wasps!

(image by Bev Wigney)

get a load of that! these don’t even have the ability to sting humans, what would a thread waisted wasp-themed spindlewolf look like? how much shadowy with something with these colours give you? imagine the corsets inspired by these things

assassin bugs are another dangerous option considering how good they are at hunting other insects, and the neath wouldn’t be complete without more creatures that burrow underground and can find themselves in this weird cavern

(image by Fir0002)

their forearms are specifically developed to dig! perhaps they can dig through a rival’s belongings, or perhaps you can fashion their claws into brass knuckles or a belt buckle?

(image by faraaz abdool)

another fashionable, lesser-known invert is the velvet worm! we have plenty of slugs in fallen london, but you know what they’re lacking? legs

about 200 species of velvet worms have been described and they’re already quite rare! they all fall under the onychophora name and there isn’t anything else like them. you could easily have some persuasive with this, or if you turn it into a stole that can hold however many hands you want!

(image by docj96)

also, thrips! i found out about these today and apparently you’re likely to hear about them if you’re into gardening. sometimes they have crab claws for forelegs, so hey- more bazaar similarities! they have an interesting method of flight (clapping their wings together) but this might not bee too impactful unless you want a novel way to raise your investigating

flies are also criminally underrated, but i couldn’t tell you how many flies live in fallen london. stalk-eyed flies, however, are gorgeous things that would work so well as t2 companions! you could even go all out with a horsefly taking on attributes of an actual horse

(image by minden pictures)

the stalk eyed fly sees you five minutes before you can see it

there are genuinely so many more that come to mind (even neathy types of mantis- orchid mantids that have adapted to blend in with mushrooms! imagine!) but a good way to finish this off is with a love story

there are centipedes who will guard and hold their young close to them! giant centipedes are protective mothers and you can get hundreds of companions in one- or perhaps just one companion who really misses her hundreds of kids. and they hold their eggs just as carefully whilst waiting for them to hatch!

isn’t that a good love story? there’s a lot you can combine this with, but i’ve spent most of today writing this one! do with these creatures what you will, i definitely enjoyed talking about neathy possibilities for insects!

(bogleech also has a fantastic article on insects that should be used as the basis for pokemon designs, if you want even more out there bugs be sure to look here)

just something i had on my mind since talking to erica about garrett following and commenting on zelda’s youtube, ft. some bev and tulio!

The video starts blurry, and slowly the muddy ground and two pairs of booted feet come into focus. There are a few hushed whispers before the camera whips around to Zelda smiling brightly. Tulio’s surprised face next to her dodges out of the way.

“Hey, y’all!” She greets the camera excitedly with a wave. “Thanks for joining the live feed, I know I promised y’all some good ghost content, and lemme tell ya…” She says, turning the camera to the looming dark building ahead. “This place is prime for ghosts, apparently it was…” She carries on with the history of the building and the comments come flowing in. 

Her hazel eyes scan for a familiar name and hold back a bit of disappointment when she doesn’t see his name come up. “Yeah,” she agrees reading over the comments. “There is always the chance of more malevolent activity-” She cuts off quickly at the sound of Tulio whistling in alert to Bev. “Dude!” Zelda hisses, slicing her hand over her throat, hushing him.

“No whistling at night,” She warns. Tulio mumbles something intelligible and Zelda blows out a breath before looking back to the camera. “If there are three things I don’t mess within the supernatural it’s…well the first two will remain nameless,” She says with a grimace and wary glance around “the third if La Llorona,” 

“Zee!” Bev’s voice calls. The redhead turns in time to see her and Tulio heading in, waving her over. “C’mon, hurry up!”

Zelda nods and looks back to the camera. A name pops up at Zelda feels her heart jump in excitement

Garwhite97: be careful and stay safe!!!

Zelda grins and gives a salute. “Ya got it Gar,” she nods. After this hunt, maybe, just maybe she’d finally work up the courage to send him a message. “Now let’s see what ghosts we come across.”

*

Tulio had outrun both Bev and Zelda. The echoes of screaming ghosts had followed them through the woods and finally died out as they reached the car. Zelda laughs between deep pants of breath.

The comments are flowing in crazily on her phone. Zelda assures her followers nothing had followed, but it’s a big read alert that catches her eye. 

One private message from Garwhite79.

More than the ghosts and the run had, Zelda’s heart beats with adrenaline and excitement. 

                                  ┌                                            "Guess we're both full of surprises."                                                                                                                ┘

                           @welcomeoblivicn​ || Blair Witch Starters || Accepting

                  There was a bare, tired hint of laughter which accompanied the equally exhausted smile afforded the usually aloof profiler. An expression which warmed the pretty visage of the detective whom had shared in their duel-institutional partnership over the last few weeks. In that time, he had come to know Special Agent Graham relatively well; something only a few could boast. He assumed it was due to his observant nature & his disarming personality, as his lack of judgmental viewpoints & their similarities opened an elusive door. But it was his unique way of looking at things which helped him see Graham as he did, helped him understand. The older man wasn’t much for social engagements, didn’t have a taste for banter, but he was also observant. He was a good listener, & while he trusted slowly, he trusted well. Connor imagined he had faith in his abilities, given his record & his work so far. He didn’t doubt his value to this team - he knew exactly why Director Stern had sent him there - but he was only just coming to realize just how Graham viewed him.

                  He was pretty & young, & that could be a detriment in his line of work, yet he expected no favors, no special treatment. Connor let his work speak for him. Praise wasn’t necessary, but he appreciated it when it was given. This felt like praise. His dark eyes watched the not-so-fleeting gaze of brilliant blue & he was glad for it. Graham didn’t do eye contact well. He made his excuses why, but Connor believed he knew the truth. Regardless, he smiled a little for him.

                   ❝ I guess so. ❞   A small response that felt vaguely playful coming from him, his dusky voice & boyish charm offering a kind of relief to the stagnant atmosphere of the house they then occupied, as did the team. Though the bodies had been removed their bloodstains remained, as did the sense that this house would never be clean again. Connor was not that type to believe in superstitions or ghost stories, but horrors such as these which disrupted the quiet suburbia of this lovely little Maryland home would haunt the rooms left stained crimson, like echoes through time. The perp was patient, organized & living a delusion which would only escalate until he was caught. Graham knew this, had profiled it, but this was the first time he had let Connor do the reconstruction alone. That lended to a consideration that Graham had begun to trust him enough to allow himself a bit of respite from the darkness without the continuously nagging fear that he would somehow fail if he did not sink head first into it.

                  Connor knew his thoughts should be on the case, not this small but miraculous breakthrough. Yet there he was, letting his feet guide him in slow but directed steps towards the profiler. Arms crossed loose over his chest, his gaze fell only a moment as a pensive thoughtfulness washed over his features. He seemed almost shy. Almost. He wasn’t, but the illusion helped set the tone. He looked up as he came to a stop only a foot or two away from Graham, close enough to speak quietly, personally, but not enough to invade his space. Everything the detective did was careful, chosen. He was good at being whatever the individual needed.    ❝ So, um-- ❞   A pause. He looked off to the side a moment, his glance quick so as to take note of the location of their teammates before speaking. Jimmy & Zee were off bickering like an old married couple, as they did. Bev was speaking with Jack about forensic finds. Connor understood her methodology in the matter, but he didn’t pay much attention to her just then. He was busy.

                  Finally, he looked to Graham again & spoke in a somewhat lowered voice.   ❝ You were speaking to me when I was still in the reconstruction - I know you were speaking because I vaguely remember hearing your voice, but I didn’t pick any of it up. ❞   A strange thing to say when he had been answering Graham, though his responses were notably muted & less articulate than Connors usual witty intellect. The detective anticipated surprise & he smiled a cheeky smile of amusement as a little breathy sound escaped his nose. He explained before the question could be asked. He knew exactly what Graham would ask.   ❝ I was still aware of you, but my higher brain functions were occupied at the time of our conversation. You were speaking with my medulla. ❞   & brain stem & a few other lesser evolved portions of a unique mind. Connor didn’t seem at all phased by this, nor the fact that he couldn’t remember what had been said. So he asked.   ❝ What did you say, again? I wanted to give you a more intelligible answer. ❞

funny and fake names

this list of fake names was compiled for humor. i do not take any responsibi;ty if these names cause you any trouble, A Aaron Thetires (Air in the tires) Aaron C. Reskew (Air & sea rescue) Abe Rudder (Hey brother) Achilles Punks (I'll kill these punks) Adam Bomb (Atom bomb) Adam Meway (Out of my way) Adam Sapple (Adam's apple) Adolf Oliver Nipples (Ate off all of her nipples) Ahmed Adoodie (I made a doodie - from The Simpsons) Al B. Zienya (I'll be seeing you) Al Beback (I'll be back) Al DePantzeu (I'll de-pants you) Al E. Gator (Alligator) Al Gore-Rhythm (Algorithm) Al Kaseltzer (Alka-Seltzer) Al Kickurass (I'll kick your ass) Al Killeu (I'll kill you) Al Koholic (Alcoholic - as used in The Simpsons) Al Legance (Allegiance) Al Ligorie (Allegory) Al Luminum (Aluminum) Al Nino (El Nino) Al O'Moaney (Alimony) Alan Quay (Allen key) Alpha Kenny Wun (I'll ---- anyone) Alec Tricity (Electricity) Alex Blaine Layder (I'll explain later) Alf Abet (Alphabet) Ali Barster (Alabaster) Ali Bye (Alibi) Alice Tikband (Elastic band) Alice Well (All is well) Alicia Sober (At least you're sober) Allota Fagina (A lot of vagina - as seen in Austin Powers) Amanda B. Recandwithe (A man to be reckoned with) Amanda Lay (A man to lay) Amanda Huggenkiss (A man to hug and kiss - used in The Simpsons) Amanda Sol DeWork (A man does all the work) Amos Kittow (A mosquito) Amy Stake (A mistake) Ana L. Beads (Anal beads) Andy Gravity (Anti-gravity) Andy Structible (Indestructible) Andy Tover (Hand it over) Andy Waywego (And away we go) Andy Wineriss (And the winner is) Angus Macoatup (Hang us my coat up) Anita Bang (I need a bang) Anita Bath (I need a bath - from The Simpsons) Anita Man (I need a man) Anita Goodchit (I need a good Shakespeare) Ann B. Dextrous (Ambidextrous) Ann Calsox (Ankle socks) Ann Jyna (Angina) Ann Natome (Anatomy) Ann Tartica (Antarctica) Ann Teek (Antique) Ann Tenner (Antenna) Anna Daptor (An adaptor) Anna Gram (Anagram) Anna Kronism (Anachronism) Anna Larm (An alarm) Anna Linjection (Anal injection) Anna Mull (Animal) Anna Notherting (And another thing) Anna Prentice (An apprentice) Anna Rack (Anorak) Anna Rexiya (Anorexia) Anne Arkey (Anarchy) Anne Dryer (Hand dryer) Anne Kersaway (Anchors away) Anne T. Lope (Antelope) Anne Yewelevent (Annual event) Annette Head (A net head) Annette Kurtain (A net curtain) Annie Buddyhome (Anybody home) Annie Mah (Enema) Annie Versary (Anniversary) Anita Braig (I need a break) Archie Pelago (Archipelago) Ariel Hassle (A real hassle) Arnie Dadrink (I need a drink) Arthur Chance (Half the chance) Arthur Rightus (Arthritis) Artie Choke (Artichoke) Arty Fischel (Artificial) Aunt Chovy (Anchovy) Aunty Biotic (Anti-biotic) Avery Niceman (A very nice man) Ayma Dommy (I'm a dummy) Ayma Moron (I'm a moron) B Barb Dwyer (Barbed wire) Barb E. Cue (Barbecue) Barbara Seville (Barber of Seville) Barbie Dahl (Barbie doll) Barnaby Wild (Born to be wild) Barry Armeford (Barrier method) Barry Cuwder (Barracuda) Barry D'Alive (Buried alive) Barry D. Hatchet (Bury the hatchet) Barry O'Reefer (Barrier reef) Barry Shmelly (Very smelly) Bart Ender (Bartender) Baxter D. Wall (Backs to the wall) Bea O'Problem (B.O. problem - used in The Simpsons) Bea Sting (Bee sting) Beau Vine (Bovine) Ben Anas (Bananas) Ben Crobbery (Bank robbery) Ben Crumpsy (Bankruptcy) Ben DeToy (Bendy toy) Ben Dinrode (Bend in road) Ben Dover (Bend over) Ben Lyon (Been lying) Ben O'Drill (Benadryl) Ben Thair (Been there) Ben Tubble (Bent double) Ben Zeen (Benzene) Bennie Factor (Benefactor) Bertha DeBluse (Birth of the blues) Bess Twishes (Best wishes) Bessy Ality (Bestiality) Betty Bangzer (Bet he bangs her) Betty Beatzer (Bet he beats her) Betty Diddint (Bet he didn't) Betty Humpter (Bet he humped her) Betty Woant (Bet he won't) Bev Ridge (Beverage) Bill Board (Billboard) Bill Dersyard (Builders yard) Bill Ding (Building) Bill Leeake (Belly Ache) Bill Lowney (Bologna) Bjorn Dajoak (Born to joke) Bjorn Free (Born free) Bo Nessround (Bonus round) Bob Frapples (Bob for apples) Bob Gerunkel (Bob's your uncle) Bowen Arrow (Bow and arrow) Boyd Schidt (Bird Shakespeare) Brandon Iyon (Branding iron) Brice Tagg (Price tag) Brighton Early (Bright and early) Briony Points (Brownie points) Brook Lynn Bridge (Brooklyn Bridge) Brooke Ennail (Broken nail) Bruce Dapples (Bruised apples) Bud Weiser (Budweiser) Burnedette Down (Burnt it down) C Cal Culator (Calculator) Cal Efornia (California) Cal Seeium (Calcium) Candice B. DePlace (Can this be the place) Candice B. Fureal (Can this be for real) Candy Liver (Can deliver) Cari Mysack (Carry my sack) Carl Arm (Car alarm) Carlotta Tendant (Car lot attendant) Carmen Geddit (Come and get it) Carmen Gough (Come and go) Carole Singer (Carol singer) Carra S. Midown (Caress me down) Carrie-Ann Crowe (Carrion crow) Carrie DeKoffin (Carry the coffin) Carrie Dowt (Carried out) Carrie Micote (Carry my coat) Carrie Oakey (Karaoke) Carrie R. Bags (Carrier bags) Carrie Smattick (Charismatic) Carson O. Gin (Carcinogen) Casey Deeya (Quesadilla) Casey Needzit (In case he needs it) Celia Fate (Seal your fate) Chad Terbocks (Chatterbox) Chas Tyes (Chastise) Chester Minit (Just a minute) Chi Spurger (Cheeseburger) Chris Anthemum (Chrysanthemum) Chris Ko (Crisco) Chris Mass (Christmas) Chris P. Bacon (Crispy bacon) Chris P. Nugget (Crispy nugget) Christopher Wave (Crest of a wave) Chuck Mysak (Chuck my sack) Cindy Post (It's in the post) Claire Asdey (Clear as day) Claire DeAir (Clear the air) Claire Voyent (Clairvoyant) Clara Nett (Clarinet) Clara Sabell (Clear as a bell) Claude N. Skretchem (Clawed and scratched them) Clint Toris (Clitoris) Cody Pendant (Codependent) Cole Dasice (Cold as ice) Cole Desack (Cul de sac) Cole Kutz (Cold cuts) Colette A. Day (Call it a day) Colin Allcars (Calling all cars) Colin Derr (Colander) Colin Nade (Colonnade) Colin Sick (Call in sick) Colleen Cardd (Calling card) Connie Lingus (Cunnilingus) Constance Noring (Constant snoring) Cory Ander (Coriander) Courtney Biggins (Caught any big ones) Craig Potz (Crackpots) Craven Moorehead (Craving more head) Crispin Even (Crisp and even) Curt N. Rodd (Curtain rod) Curt Zee (Curtsy) Curtis E. Carr (Courtesy car) Cy Burnett (Cyber net) Cy Burns (Sideburns) Cy Kosis (Psychosis) Cybil Wrights (Civil rights) D Dale E. Bread (Daily bread) Dan D. Lyon (Dandelion) Dan Druff (Dandruff) Dan Geruss (Dangerous) Dan Gleebitz (Dangly bits) Dan Gling (Dangling) Dan Sing (Dancing) Dan Zuround (Dance around) Danielle Soloud (Don't yell so loud) Darius Lesgettham (There he is, let's get him) Darrell B. Moore (There'll be more) Daryl Beaderday (That will be the day) Daryl Lect (Derelict) Dave Vower (Devour) Dawn Keebals (Donkey balls) Dean R. Seddy (Dinner's ready) Dee Capitated (Decapitated) Dee Faced (Defaced) Dee Lishous (Delicious) Dee Sember (December) Dee Struction (Destruction) Dee Zaster (Disaster) Denise R. Knockin (The knees are knocking) Denise R. Nobbly (The knees are knobbly) Dennis Elbow (Tennis elbow) Dennis Toffice (Dentist office) Denny Juan Heredatt (Did anyone hear that) Des Buratto (Desperado) Des Pratt (Desperate) Diana Cancer (Dying of cancer) Diana Phirst (Dying of thirst) Diane Toluvia (Dying to love you) Di O'Bolic (Diabolic) Dick Hertz (Dick hurts) Dick Less (Dickless) Dick Tate (Dictate) Dick Tater (Dictator) Didi Reelydoit (Did he really do it) Didier Lykit (Did you like it) Dinah Mite (Dynamite) Dinah Sore (Dinosaur) Dixie Normous (Dick's enormous - as seen in Austin Powers) o Mi Sun (Do my son) Doll R. Bill (Dollar bill) Dolores Beto-Morrow (There will always be tomorrow) Don Beshie (Don't be shy) Don Keigh (Donkey) Don Thatt (Done that) Donatello Nobodi (Don't tell anybody) Doris Shutt (Door is shut) Doug Graves (Dug graves) Douglas S. Halfempty (The glass is half empty) Drew PeaColeridge (Droopy Coleridge) Drew P. Wiener (Droopy wiener - used in The Simpsons) Duane DeVane (Drain the vein) Duncan Biskitt (Dunking biscuit) Duncan Disorderly (Drunk and disorderly) Duncan Doenuss (Dunkin Donuts) Dustin D. Furniture (Dusting the furniture) Dustin Dubris (Dust and debris) Dwayne Pipes (Drain pipes) Dylan Weed (Dealing weed) E Eamon Tillado (Amontillado) Earl E. Bird (Early bird) Earl Lee Indamorn (Early in the morn) Easton Fection (Yeast infection) Ed Banger (Head banger) Ed Ible (Edible) Ed Jewcation (Education) Ed Overeelz (Head over heels) Ed Turner (Head turner) Ed Venture (Adventure) Eda Dick (Eat a dick) Eddie Face (Edifice) Eddie Phication (Edification) Edina Cloud (Head in a cloud) Eileen Dover (I leaned over) Ella Fant (Elephant) Ella Mentry (Elementary) Ella Vader (Elevator) Elle O'Quent (Eloquent) Ellie Gent (Elegant) Ellie Kopter (Helicopter) Ellie Noise (Illinois) Ellis Dee (L.S.D.) Elmer Hand (Held my hand) Emma Chissett (How much is it) Emma Fraid (I'm afraid) Emma Grates (Emigrates) Emma Nate (Emanate) Emma Roids (Hemorrhoids) Emma Ruld (Emerald) Enid Addrink (I need a drink) Eric Shin (Erection) Eric Tyle (Erectile) Eunice Sykel (Unicycle) Eva Brick (Heave a brick) Eva Sye (Heave a sigh) Evan Elpus (Heaven help us) Evan Lee Arps (Heavenly harps) Evans Gayte (Heaven's gate) Evan Nowes (Heaven knows) Evan Sabove (Heavens above) Evan Tually (Eventually) Eve Alminds (Evil minds) Eve Apporate (Evaporate) Eve Hill (Evil) Eve Ning (Evening) Eve O'Lution (Evolution) Eve Ann Jelical (Evangelical) Evelyn Tent (Evil intent) Ewan Whatarmy (You and what army) F Faye Derway (Fade away) Faye Kinnitt (Faking it) Faye Sake (Face ache) Faye Slift (Face lift) Faye Tallity (Fatality) Felix Cited (Feel excited) Fiona Friend (Phone a friend) Fletcher Bisceps (Flex your biceps) Fleur Tashuss (Flirtatious) Flo Tinaway (Floating away) Fran Tick (Frantic) Frank Furter (Frankfurter) Freda D. Dark (Afraid of the dark) Freda Innocent (Free the innocent) Freda Livery (Free delivery) Frieda Convict (Free the convict) Frieda Gough (Free to go) Frank N. Stein (Frankenstein) G Gabe Barr (Gay bar) Gary Oakie (Karaoke) Gene E. Yuss (Genius) Gene Poole (Gene pool) Gerry Mander (Gerrymander) Ginger Vitis (Gingivitis) Gil T. Azell (Guilty as Hell) Gill Tedd (Jilted) Gladys Canby (Glad as can be) Gladys Eeya (Glad to see you) Gladys Friday (Glad it's Friday) Gordon Nomes (Garden gnomes) Grace Quirrell (Gray squirrel) Gunther Lunch (Gone for lunch) Gus Comzadia (Gas comes out of you) Gus Tofwynde (Gust of Wind) Guy Dinlite (Guiding light) Guy Wyre (Guy wire) H Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah) Hal Seyan (Halcyon) Hammond Eggs (Ham and eggs) Hank E. Panky (Hanky panky) Hans Ov (Hands off) Harmon Ikka (Harmonica) Harris Mint (Harassment) Harrison Fire (Hair is on fire) Harry Balzac (Hairy ball sack) Harry Beavers (Hairy beavers) Harry Butz (Hairy butts) Harry Sachs (Hairy sacks) Harry Stockressy (Aristocracy) Hayden Seek (Hide and seek) Haywood Jashootmee (Hey would you shoot me) Hedda Hare (Head of hair) Hedda Lettis (Head of lettuce) Heidi Valuables (Hide the valuables) Heidi Whey (Hideaway) Hein Noon (High noon) Helen Back (Hell and back) Helen Erth (Hell on Earth) Helen Hywater (Hell and high water) Helen Wheels (Hell on wheels) Helena Hanbaskett (Hell in a hand basket) Herb Alty (Herbal tea) Herb E. Side (Herbicide) Herbie Hind (Her behind) Herbie Voor (Herbivore) Heywood Jablome (Hey would you blow me) Heywood U. Cuddleme (Hey would you cuddle me - from The Simpsons) Hilda Clime (Hill to climb) Ho Lin Wan (Hole in one) Holden McGroin (Holding my groin) Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn) Holly Wood (Hollywood) Homer Sexual (Homosexual - heard in The Simpsons) Honor Mission (On a mission) Hu Pflung Poo (Who flung poo) Hope Lescase (Hopeless case) Horace Cope (Horoscope) Howard I. No (How would I know) Howe D. Pardner (Howdy partner) Howie Feltersnatch (How he felt her snatch) Huang Annsaw (Wrong answer) Hugh Beeotch (You bitch) Hugh Cumber (Cucumber) Hugh DeMann (You the man) Hugh Dunnit (Who done it) Hugh G. Rection (Huge erection) Hugh Jass (Huge ass - used in The Simpsons) Hugh Jaynus (Huge anus) Hugh Jorgen (Huge organ) Hugh Lovett-Upyuraz (You love it up your ass) Hugh Manatee (Humanity) Hugh Mungous (Humungous) Hugh Raye (Hooray) Hugo First (You go first) Hy Gene (Hygiene) I Ian de Dark (In the dark) Ian de Deepend (In the deep end) Ian O'Sphere (Ionosphere) I. C. Wiener (Icy wiener - used in The Simpsons and Futurama) I. C. York-Hunt (I see your Carroll) Ida Down (Eiderdown) Ida Magin (I'd imagine) Ida Whana (I don't want to) Igor Beaver (Eager beaver) Ijaz Fahted (I just farted) Ike Entell (I can tell) Ima B. Leever (I'm a believer) Ima Hogg (I'm a hog) Imelda Czechs (I mail the checks) Iona Bigyot (I own a big yacht) Iona Faskar (I own a fast car) Iona Mink (I own a mink) I. P. Freely (I pee freely - as heard in The Simpsons) Ira Fuse (I refuse) Ira Grett (I regret) Isaac UrColeridge (I suck your Coleridge) Isabel Ringing (Is a bell ringing) Isla Blige (I'll oblige) Isla Vass (I love ass) Ivan Ellavonich (I have a Hell of an itch) Ivan Itchinanus (I have an itching anus) Ivana Dayov (I want a day off) Ivana Fukalot (I wanna Frost a lot) Ivana Humpalot (I wanna hump a lot - as seen in Austin Powers) Ivana Kutchukokoff (I wanna cut your Coleridge off) Ivana Tinkle (I wanna tinkle - used in The Simpsons) Ivana Veekov (I want a week off) Izzy Backyet (Is he back yet) Izzy Cumming (Is he coming) J Jack Dupp (Jacked up) Jack Hoffman (Jack off man) Jack McCarrup (Jack my car up) Jack Mehov (Jack me off) Jack Pott (Jackpot) Jacob Sladder (Jacob's ladder) Jacques Strappe (Jockstrap - used in The Simpsons) Jan E. Torr (Janitor) Jan U. Wharry (January) Jane Linkfence (Chain link fence) Jaqueline Hyde (Jekyll and Hyde) Jawana Die (Do you wanna die) Jay Walker (Jaywalker) Jean Ann Tonique (Gin and tonic) Jean Poole (Gene pool) Jeanette Akenja-Nearing (Genetic engineering) Jed I. Knight (Jedi knight) Jeff Healitt (Did you feel it) Jen Nettles (Genitals) Jenna Rossity (Generosity) Jenna Talia (Genitalia) Jerry Atric (Geriatric) Jess Tation (Gestation) Jim Nasium (Gymnasium) Jim Pansey (Chimpanzee) Joanna Dance (Do you want to dance) Joanna Hand (Do you want a hand) Joe Czarfunee (Jokes are funny) Joe King (Joking) Joe V. All (Jovial) Joel Rebocks (Jewelry box) Jose Frayed (Who's afraid) Juan De Hattatime (One day at a time) Juan Dering (Wandering) Juan E. Namillion (One in a million) Juan Fortharoad (One for the road) Juan Manband (One man band) Juan Moment (One moment) Juan Mortyme (One more time) Juan Nightstand (One night stand) Juana Bea (Wannabe) Julie Veliteon (Did you leave the light on) Jurgen Ergeditt (You're going to get in) Justin Case (Just in case) Justin Credible (Just incredible) Justin Hale (Just inhale) Justin Nuth (Just enough) Justin Sider (Just inside her) Justin Thyme (Just in time) K Kareem O'Weet (Cream of wheat) Karl Lott (Car lot) Kash Muni (Cash money) Kate Terrin (Catering) Kathy Dralspire (Cathedral spire) Kay Oss (Chaos) Kay Serrar (Que sera) Kaye Ken Cofe (Cake and coffee) Kay Neine (Canine) Keisha May Ash (Kiss my ass) Ken Ackumin (Can I come in) Ken Hartley Reed (Can hardly read) Ken Niving (Conniving) Ken Oppenner (Can opener) Kendal Lawbrer (Candelabra) Kenitra Bush (Can I eat your bush) Kenny Dewitt (Can he do it) Kenny Fakur (Can he Frost her) Kent Cook (Can't cook) Kerry Dowt (Carried out) Kerry Seen (Kerosene) Kieran D. Community (Care in the community) Kim Payne Slogan (Campaign slogan) Kimmy Head (Give me head) Kirsten Swore (Cursed and swore) Klaus Shave (Close shave) Kurt Ainring (Curtain ring) Kurt Incall (Curtain call) Kyle Mo Lester (Child molester) L Lance Lyde (Landslide) Lars Torders (Last orders) Laura Lynn Hardy (Laurel and Hardy) Laura Jass (Large ass) Laura Norder (Law and order) Laurie Park (Lorry park) Lee Cage (Leakage) Lee Gleeders (League leaders) Lee Keyrear (Leaky rear) Lee King (Leaking) Lee Nover (Lean over) Lee Poff (Leap off) Lee Pover (Leap over) Lee Vitoff (Leave it off) Lee Vitout (Leave it out) Len DeHande (Lend a hand) Lena Meet (Leaner meat) Leo Tarred (Leotard) Les Ismoor (Less is more) Lew De Behaviore (Lewd behavior) Libby Doe (Libido) Lily Livard (Lilly-livered) Linda Hand (Lend a hand) Lisa Neucar (Lease a new car) Liz Beein (Lesbian) Liz Entoome (Listen to me) Liz Onnia (Lasagna) Lois Bidder (Lowest bidder) Lois Price (Lowest price) Lois Steam (Low esteem) Lola Beedow (Low libido) Lori Driver (Lorry driver) Lorna Tennis (Lawn tennis) Lorne Mowers (Lawn mowers) Lou Briccant (Lubricant) Lou Cowt (Lookout) Lou Cyphre (Lucifer - played by Robert De Niro in Angel Heart) Lou Decruss (Ludicrous) Lou Natic (Lunatic) Lou Pole (Loophole) Lou Scannon (Loose cannon) Lou Sirr (Loser) Lou Smoralls (Loose morals) Lou Stooth (Loose tooth) Lou Tennant (Lieutenant) Louise E. Anna (Louisiana) Lowden Clear (Loud and clear) Lucy Lastic (Loose elastic) Luke Adamgo (Look at him go) Luke Admadick (Look at my dick) Luke Atmyass (Look at my ass) Luke Over (Look over) Luna Tick (Lunatic) Lwellan Dowd (You well endowed) Lydia Bin (Lid of your bin) Lyle Ike Adogg (Lie like a dog) Lynn C. Dole (Linseed oil) Lynn Guini (Linguini) Lynn Meabuck (Lend me a buck) M Mabel Syrup (Maple syrup) Madame Crotch (My damn crotch) Maddi Gascar (Madagascar) Madge Ority (Majority) Madka Owdiseez (Mad cow disease) Major Jump (Made you jump) Major Lee Gay (Majorly gay) Major Luke Twice (Made you look twice) Mal Adjusted (Maladjusted) Mal Twiskie (Malt whiskey) Mal Odruss (Malodorous) Malcolm Tent (Malcontent) Mand Lynne (Mandolin) Mandy Lifeboats (Man the lifeboats) Manuel Labor (Manual labor) Marcus Abscent (Mark us absent) Marge Innastraightline (March in a straight line) Marge Noferror (Margin of error) Marian Furlove (Marrying for love) Marian Furmunny (Marrying for money) Marian Haste (Marry in haste) Marion Money (Marrying money) Marius Quick (Marry us quick) Mark Mywords (Mark my words) Mark Smann (Marksman) Mark Z. Spot (Mark the spot) Marsha Dimes (March of Dimes) Marsha Mallow (Marshmallow) Martha Fokker (mother-Froster) Mary Christmas (Merry Christmas) Mary Gold (Marigold) Mary Ott (Marriot) Mary Thonn (Marathon) Mary Torrius (Meritorious) Mary Wana (Marijuana) Master Bating (Masturbating) Matt Ress (Mattress) Matt Schtick (Matchstick) Matt Tromeny (Matrimony) Matt Trustain (Mattress stain) Maude Yuller (Modular) Maureen Clined (More inclined) Maureen Portantly (More importantly) Maureen Tresting (More interesting) Max E. Mumm (Maximum) Max E. Pad (Maxipad) May B. Dunn (May be done) May Elman (Mailman) May I. Tutchem (May I touch them) May O'Nays (Mayonnaise) Maya Buttreeks (My butt reeks - from The Simpsons) Maya Magination (My imagination) Maya Normousbutt (My enormous butt - from The Simpsons) Megan Bacon (Making bacon or egg and bacon) Mel Lowe (Mellow) Mel N. Colly (Melancholy) Mel O'Dramer (Melodrama) Mel Practiss (Malpractice) Mel Tingpot (Melting pot) Melissa Tothis (Ma listen to this) Michael Toris (My clitoris) Michelle Lynn (Michelin) Mick Stubbles (Mixed doubles) Mick Stup (Mixed up) Mick Zupps (Mix ups) Midas Well (Might as well) Mike Hawk (My Coleridge) Mike Hunt (My Carroll) Mike Litteriss (My clitoris) Mike Ockhurts (My Coleridge hurts) Mike Ocksmall (My Coleridge's small) Mike Oxlong (My Coleridge's long) Mike Rohsopht (Microsoft) Mike Rotch (My crotch - from The Simpsons) Mike Rotchburns (My crotch burns) Mike Rowave (Microwave) Mike Rufone (Microphone) Mike Yermindup (Make your mind up) Miles A. Head (Miles ahead) Miles Prower (Miles per hour) Milly Meter (Millimeter) Milly Terry (Military) Minnie Mumwage (Minimum wage) Minnie Skurt (Miniskirt) Minnie Stree (Ministry) Miss Alanius (Miscellaneous) Miss Bea Haven (Misbehaving) Miss L. Tow (Mistletoe) Miss T. Eyes (Misty eyes) Miss Terri Novelle (Mystery novel) Miss U. Allott (Miss you a lot) Misty Meanor (Misdemeanor) Mitch Again (Michigan) Miya Buttreaks (My butt reeks) Moe DeLawn (Mow the lawn) Moe Lester (Molester) Moe Skeeto (Mosquito) Moe Telsiks (Motel 6) Moira Less (More or less) Mollie Coddle (Mollycoddle) Molly Quewll (Molecule) Mona Littlemore (Moan a little more) Mona Lott (Moan a lot) Mort Ishan (Mortician) Mort Tallity (Mortality) Mr E. Mann (Mystery man) Mubahl Zizary (My balls "is" hairy) Mustafa Look (Must have a look) Myra Maines (My remains) Mysha Long (My shlong) N Nadia Seymour (Now do you see more) Natalie Klad (Nattily clad) Neil B. Forme (Kneel before me) Neil Downe (Kneel down) Neil Efare (Nearly there) Neil Sonweels (Meals on wheels) Nesta Vipas (Nest of vipers) Neve Adda (Nevada) Nick L. Andime (Nickel and dime) Nick O'Teen (Nicotine) Nick Ovtime (Nick of time) Nick Rofilia (Necrophilia) Nida Lyte (Need a light) Noah Count (No account) Noah Vale (No avail) Noah Zark (Noah's ark) Nora Bone (Gnaw a bone) Norma Stitz (Enormous tits) O Olav Myfriendsaregay (All of my friends are gay - from The Simpsons) Oliver Bush (I love her bush) Oliver Clothesoff (All of her clothes off - from The Simpsons) Oliver DaPlaz (All over the place) Oliver Sudden (All of a sudden) Ollie Churpuzzi (I'll eat your Poe) Ollie Tabooger (I'll eat a booger - from The Simpsons) Ophelia Pane (I feel your pain) Ophelia Titsoff (I'll feel your tits off) Opie Umsbad (Opium's bad) Orla Nophin (All or nothing) Orson Cart (Horse and cart) Orson Ounds (Horse and hounds) Otto B. Kilt (Ought to be killed) Otto Matik (Automatic) Owen Monie (Owing money) P Paige Turner (Page turner) Pam Purd (Pampered) Pandora Spocks (Pandora's box) Pat Mebutt (Pat my butt) Pat Taytow (Potato) Pat Tranage (Patronage) Patty O'Furniture (Patio furniture) Paul Bearer (Pallbearer) Paul MyColeridge (Pull my Coleridge) Pearl E. Gates (Pearly gates) Penny Foram (Penny for them) Penny Less (Penniless) Penny Sillen (Penicillin) Peppy Roni (Pepperoni) Percy Cute (Persecute) Percy Veer (Persevere) Perry Dice (Paradise) Perry Docks (Paradox) Perry Scope (Periscope) Perry Shute (Parachute) Perry Winckel (Periwinkle) Pete Zahutt (Pizza Hut) Pete Zaria (Pizzeria) Peter Pantz (Peed her pants) Phil Atio (Fellatio) Phil Anders (Philanders) Phil Itafiche (Filet of fish) Phil Maglossop (Fill my glass up) Phil Maweeney (Feel my weenie) Phil McCracken (Fill my crack in) Phil MeBrest (Feel my breast) Phil Mianus (Fill my anus) Phil Officer (Philosopher) Philip Eno (Filipino) Philippa Bucket (Fill up a bucket) Phyllis Sofickle (Philosophical) Phyllis Stein (Philistine) Phyuck Yiu (Frost you) P. I. Staker (Piss-taker) Polly C. Holder (Policy holder) Poppy Cox (PoppyColeridge) Pyuck Meei (Frost me) Q Quimby Ingmeen (Quit being mean) Quinn T. Senshall (Quintessential) Quinton Chingme (Quit touching me) Quinton Plates (Contemplates) R R. Soul (Arsehole) Rachel DeScrimination (Racial discrimination) Randy Holeweigh (Ran the whole way) Ray Deator (Radiator) Ray Kupleeves (Rake up leaves) Ray Ling (Railing) Ray N. Carnation (Reincarnation) Ray Neday (Rainy day) Ray Pugh (Rape you) Ray Scarr (Racecar) Ray Sersharpe (Razor sharp) Ray Sleeder (Race leader) Ray Strack (Racetrack) Reg Oyce (Rejoice) Renee Sance (Renaissance) Rex Cars (Wrecks cars) Rhea Gretabble (Regrettable) Rhoada Hoarse (Rode a horse) Rhoda Camel (Rode a camel) Rhoda Wynner (Rode a winner) Rick Kleiner (Recliner) Rick O'Shea (Ricochet) Rick Ottersheese (Ricotta cheese) Ricky T. Bridge (Rickety bridge) Rip Tile (Reptile) Rita Book (Read a book) Rob O. Flavin (Riboflavin) Robbie Ree (Robbery) Robin Emblind (Robbing them blind) Robyn Banks (Robbing banks) Rocca Vages (Rock of ages) Roland Buter (Roll and butter) Ron A. Muck (Run amok) Ron Devue (Rendezvous) Ron Osserus (Rhinoceros) Rory Motion (Raw emotion) Rosa Teeth (Rows of teeth) Ross Terr (Roster) Ross Trum (Rostrum) Rowan Boate (Rowing boat) Ruben MyColeridge (Rubbing my Coleridge) Ruby Kohn (Rubicon) Rudi Day (Rue the day) Rudi Mentry (Rudimentary) Rudy Nuff (Rude enough) Rufus Leakin (Roof is leaking) Russ Tinayle (Rusty nail) Russell Ingleaves (Rustling leaves) Ruth Tyler (Roof Tiler) S Sabina Pleasure (It's been a pleasure) Sadie Word (Say the word) Sal Ami (Salami) Sal Livver (Saliva) Sal T. Penuz (Salty peanuts or salty penis) Sally Mander (Salamander) Sam Aritan (Samaritan) Sam Manilla (Salmonella) Sam Owser (Samosa) Sam Pull (Sample) Sam Urai (Samurai) Sam Widge (Sandwich) Samson Knight (Samsonite) Sarah Bellam (Cerebellum) Sarah Nader (Serenade her) Sarah Tonin (Serotonin) Sasha Waist (Such a waste) Scott Chansoder (Scotch and soda) Scott Chegg (Scotch egg) Scott Shawn DeRocks (Scotch on the rocks) Seaman Stains (Semen stains) Seelin Phan (Ceiling fan) See Mihn (Semen) Selma Boddy (Sell my body) Sergovia Selv (Sick of yourself) Seth La Pod (Cephalopod) Seymour Asses (See more asses - from Futurama) Seymour Buttz (See more butts - from The Simpsons) Seymour Cox (See more Coleridges) Shanda Lear (Chandelier) Sheeza Freak (She's a freak) Sheila Blidge (She'll oblige) Shelia Mazeyer (She'll amaze you) Sheila Tack (She'll attack) Sheri Cola (Cherry cola) Sherman Wadd Evver (Sure man whatever) Shirley Knott (Surely not) Shirley U. Care (Surely you care) Sid Down (Sit down) Sir Fin Waves (Surfin' waves) Sir John Sands (Surgeon's hands) Sir Kit Breaker (Circuit breaker) Sonia Shew (It's on your shoe) Stacey Rhect (Stays erect) Stan Dandeliver (Stand and deliver) Stan Deasy (Stand easy) Stan Dingproude (Standing proud) Stan Doffich (Standoffish) Stan Dupp (Stand up) Steve Adore (Stevedore) Stu Padasso (Stupid Emerson) Stu Pid (Stupid) Sue Case (Suitcase) Sue Denley (Suddenly) Sue Donim (Pseudonym) Sue E. Side (Suicide) Sue Flay (Souffle) Sue Perrman (Superman) Sue Render (Surrender) Sue Ridge (Sewage) Sum Ting Wong (Something wrong) Sum Yung Gai (Some young guy) Susan Orty-Boyden (Who's a naughty boy then) T Tamara Nethercombs (Tomorrow never comes) Tanya Hide (Tan your hide) Tara Newhall (Tear a new hole) Tate Urchips (Tater chips) Teresa Crowd (Three's a crowd) Teresa Green (Trees are green) Terry Bulsmel (Terrible smell) Terry Cotter (Terracotta) Terry Fie (Terrify) Terry Ryst (Terrorist) Terry Torrie (Territory) Tess Tickle (Testicle) Tia Dropps (Teardrops) Tim Burr (Timber) Tim Lee Intervention (Timely intervention) Tim Panny (Timpani) Tina Beense (Tin of beans) Tina See (Tennessee) Titus Addrum (Tight as a drum) Titus Balzac (Tightest ball sack) Titus Canby (Tight as can be) Titus Zell (Tight as Hell) Toby Hynde (Tow behind) Toby Paidfer (To be paid for) Tom Bowler (Tombola) Tom Martow (Tomato) Torah Hyman (Tore a hymen) Travis Tay (Travesty) Tristan Shout (Twist and shout) Trudy Lite (True delight) Tudick Synsider (Two dicks inside her) Ty Dallwave (Tidal wave) Ty Imup (Tie him up) Ty Priter (Typewriter) Ty Tannick (Titanic) Ty Tass (Tightass) Tyrone Shoes (Tie your own shoes) U Uliqa M'Diq (You lick my dick) Ullee Daway (You lead the way) Ulrika Garlick (You'll reek of garlic) Una Brau (Unibrow - from Austin Powers) Upton O'goode (Up to no good) Ura Snotball (You are a snotball - from The Simpsons) Ustrokeet Islewatch (You stroke it I'll watch) V Val Crow (Velcro) Val Haller (Valhalla) Val Lay (Valet) Vasilly Sonovabich (That silly son of a bitch) Vera Cross (Veer across) Vic Tree (Victory) Vinny Gerr (Vinegar) Viv Atious (Vivacious) Vlad Tire (Flat tire) W Walt Sing (Waltzing) Walter Mellon (Watermelon) Walter Wallcarpet (Wall to wall carpet) Wanda Dorff (Wandered off) Wanda Lottie Wray (Won the lottery) Wanda Phul (Wonderful) Wanda Rinhands (Wandering hands) Warren Peace (War and peace) Warren Tease (Warranties) Wat Apistle (Water pistol) Wayne Dear (Reindeer) Wayne Dwops (Raindrops) Wayne Kerr (Wanker) Wayne Ningmoon (Waning moon) Wendy Windblows (Where the wind blows) Wi Phukem Yung (We Frost them young) Will D. Beest (Wildebeest) Will O'Patten (Willow pattern) Will Ting (Wilting) Will U. Jackmeov (Will you jack me off) Wille Belong (Will he be long) Willie Byter (Willy biter or will he bite her) Willie Gofar (Will he go far) Willie Makeit (Will he make it) Willy O'Wowntey (Will he or won't he) Willy Tert (Will it hurt) Wilma Fingerdoo (Will my finger do) Wilma Leggrowbach (Will my leg grow back) Winnie Bago (Winnebago) Winnie DiPoo (Winnie the Pooh) Woody U. No (What do you know) X Xavier Breff (Save your breath) Xavier Money (Save your money) Xavier Onassis (Save your own asses) Xavier Zelf (Save yourself) Y Yerma Wildo (Your ma will do) Yul B. Allwright (You'll be alright) Yule B. Sorry (You'll be sorry) Z Zeke N. Yeshallfind (Seek and you shall find) Zelda Kowz (Sell the cows) Zoltan Pepper (Salt and pepper)

The losers club as weird things that’ve happened/been said to me

- Richie tickling Eddie when he says “no, hold me!”

- Richie and Mike stay up the latest at sleepovers so they wait for everyone else to fall asleep and they paint the rest of the loser’s nails. In the morning everyone else wakes up with a pink big toenail

- Bill, Stan, Mike, Bev, and Richie watching children of the corn and making fun of the haircuts the kids have (Ben and Eddie were too scared to watch)

- All of the Losers going into Eddie’s basement to use his old karaoke machine

- Richie finds a lighter and starts to make a flame but Stan throws it into a toilet because he knows someone will die if it continues to exist within 5 feet of Richie

- “It’s Tuh-huh-hoe-zee-air, you dumb bih-bitch!” -Bill (at Bowers) “Jesus Bill, say it don’t spray it” -Richie

- “Are skittles or m&m’s better? Who cares! They’re fuckin RAINBOW!” -Beverly (Eddie nodding vigorously behind her)

Name: Zayden Sawyer March(Tozier) Face claim: Hayden Christensen

Nicknames: Zay (Losers Club), Zee (only Richie is allowed to call him that) 

Sexual Orientation: Gay

Age: 38

Height: 5′6″

Backstory: Zayden was moved into Derry, Maine when he was eleven after his parents got a divorce, so his mom packed him and their things and moved to the cheapest house Derry had to offer. He moved in after the events with Georgie, being told by his mother that he shouldn’t stay out too late until the town knew exactly what happened - but that never happened. He first meets Richie in class, instantly catching feelings for that fuckin’ trashmouth. Zayden was introduced to the Losers Club by Richie after they’ve been hanging out for awhile. He lowkey thought that Richie and Eddie were together, it made Zayden  bummed out but didn’t want to interfere so he distanced himself from Richie a bit. After the Losers Club defeated Pennywise for that first time, Zayden’s mom refused to allow him to hang out with the Losers again, saying that he’s staying out too late with no idea where he’s at. Zayden is angry about it at first, but then he bursts into tears; of course his mother is concerned, asking him what was wrong. “I just really like him,” he says through his sobs. His mom is confused: “Don’t you mean ‘her’?” He admits to his mom, the first person he ever came out to that he was gay, but didn’t get the response that he was hoping for. Instead, she refuses to let him hang out with anyone, taking him to and from school. He could only hang out with the Losers during school or when he sneaked out of the house to meet up with them. The Losers thought that Zayden didn’t want to hang out with them anymore, so they distanced themselves from him in case he wanted spaced, so that’s what started that fear of being left behind from his only group of friends. At age fourteen Zayden’s mom forced him to go to conversion therapy that he had to stay in until he was eighteen, during this time he began self harming. Of course, it didn’t work so he faked being heterosexual; bringing home girls to make his mom happy but they never worked out since he was so awkward and uncomfortable. 

Zayden started work at a up and coming computer company that was quickly rising; he works as IT, fixing and building computers along with software at home. He moved to Palo Alto, CA for work. Two years later he gets a call saying that his mom passed away from cancer. Of course he went back to Derry for the funeral, bringing back some foggy memories but he moved on.  All his family was at the funeral. Zayden brought a flask, drinking it the entire time.  A family member came up to him afterwards: “I’m sorry for your loss.” After a sip from the flask, Zayden looks them in the eyes and says: “Oh. I’m not.” After that he went back home to Palo Alto, CA, not leaving until Mike called him 27 years later about Pennywise coming back. 

                                                         -----------

After all these years Zayden still faintly remembers Richie and how much he liked him. 

Zayden was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety, and depression at age 20.

His phone is an black iPhone 7 that’s cracked beyond repair but refuses to get a new one. 

When inherited all of his moms money after the funeral he donated it all to a charity for a LGTBQ+ cause. 

He struggles with self harm and eventually heroin and was in rehab for three months. 

When meeting up with the Losers again, Bev asked him why he stopped hanging out with them as kids. Zayden was silent, trying to think of what to say, instead he panics and blurts out: “because my mom didn’t like that I was gay and kept me from everyone.” They were silent, but then said they were sorry, that they still loved him anyways and Zayden started crying since this was the first time he was accepted. 

His hallucination was when he walked back into the town house and he thought he saw the Losers sitting around talking; when they turned to look at him they all had black eyes, stood up and left, leaving only Richie behind. Richie told him that he didn’t belong there, that nobody would love him. 

Richie in real life was the only one in the town house at the time Zayden was having the hallucinations, he goes downstairs to see him cutting himself while screaming and crying and Richie had to snap him out of it. 

Zayden’s token was a small heart locket that he had bought for Richie in the 8th grade that he had buried in the backyard of his moms house.

He was caught in the deadlights, making him act like a zombie trying to attack the Losers when they met with Pennywise the final time. 

He was devastated when Eddie died as that was one of his best friends.

Since he knew that Richie was also torn up about it and they only lived five hours apart they would often hang out a lot, to the point where Zayden basically lived with him, helping him through the grief he was going through.  

Eventually they got super drunk one night and Richie got down on one knee, holding Zayden’s hands asking if he’d move in with him. Of course he said yes. 

When he moved in lets just say that alcohol and gay feelings don’t mix well. They slept together.

When Richie finally asked Zayden out, the anxious twink kept stammering, making Richie think that he was trying to make excuses to say no but eventually he said yes. 

After three years of dating Richie decided that he wanted to propose 

Richie brought Zayden to one of his bigger shows, having him stand off the stage so he could watch him. 

“I’ve been dating the love of my life for three years...It probably feels like fifty to him since he’s dating me.” He then brings Zayden out on the stage and of course he’s panicking because people are scary. He forgets they’re there when he sees Richie drop to one knee, pulling out a ring box and asks if he would marry him. 

Zayden says yes as he cries

After the show Zayden playfully beats up Richie for making him go out on stage, but Richie’s excuse was: “it’s on live recording, baby.” 

Their wedding was surprisingly small and of course the Losers were there and they were so happy for them. 

They had two empty chairs with pictures of Stan and Eddie on them

Their honeymoon was an extended road trip state-to-state

Yes, of course Richie’s Instagram of selfies between them and candid pictures of Zayden. 

They got a lot of matching tattoos while on their honeymoon.

They live happily ever after because that’s all I want. 

יהי רצון שזכרה יהיה מהפכה

Coughs and murmurs from attendees merged together to form a hum at the back of his head as he leaned forward, resting his forehead on the pew in front of him. He looked like he was praying, but that was the last thing he would be doing. His eyes were sore and his temples were throbbing with a headache. He’d not slept well the night before, or the previous week at all. He kept waking every morning hoping it had all been a nightmare, and each morning he woke up disappointed and devastated once again.

They were gathered together for the funeral so there was no room for denial anymore. That stage of grief wouldn’t survive the service, though Zeller had clung to it so desperately. No, there was no more refusing to accept it, he was being forced to. His best friend was gone. She had indeed been murdered, sliced up, and displayed like a museum exhibit. He envied the attendees filling up the synagogue; most of them were blissfully unaware of the state she was in when she was discovered. Even among those who were aware, like the other FBI agents filling the back pews, they hadn’t seen it for themselves. The two closest to her, Zeller and Price, had.

Price was on the left of him and letting his eyes move over the rows ahead of and beside him, actually looking his age for once. Zeller was looking older than his years. It seemed as if the dark circles under his eyes were growing darker after each night inflicted with insomnia and nightmares. He wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination, but he swore he saw more gray hairs pop in his temples and beard over the past week than ever. He didn’t feel like himself sitting there in that black suit, wearing a kippah, shuffling the note cards he’d prepared in his hands.

“You know you don’t have to go up there if you don’t want to,” said Price softly, looking somberly at his friend. Zeller gave a shake of his head and muttered, “No, I have to go.” 

“No, you don’t. I could go up instead. Jack could. If it’s too much, it’s totally under—”

“Jim, this is the least I can do for her,” insisted Zeller with his voice strung tight. “This is the last good thing I can do for her. I need to do this.” Price nodded and reached over to pat his knee and Zeller sighed, closing his eyes. They opened when the murmuring quieted and he saw the rabbi approach his pulpit, below which Beverly’s casket was propped. It was a simple pine coffin that had a white pall draped over it with black stripes on either end. Zeller’s eye twitched when he thought about how difficult it must have been to reconstruct her so that she was together enough to fit inside that narrow casket. 

He watched as the rabbi ushered over several members of the Katz family, including her parents and her three siblings. They were each wearing a black ribbon around their wrist which they held out toward the rabbi. He held up a pair of scissors and explained, “This is the keriah, it’s an ancient tradition of ripping or cutting a garment of the bereaved. Because we are physical beings, we ought to express our grief in such a physical manner. Because Beverly was torn away from us, we ought to represent that in such a way.” The rabbi brought the scissors to each ribbon on each wrist and cut them. Beverly’s mom, a petite Asian woman buried her face in her husband’s chest, his head towering over her. Zeller felt a pang in his chest for her. No parent should ever have to bury their child. 

The family returned to their seats and the rabbi returned to behind the pulpit as he gave his greeting to the attendees and started his prayers. Zeller had long ago forgotten most of what he’d learned of Hebrew since he spoke little of it throughout his life since Hebrew school. But he knew that the rabbi was likely reciting passages from Psalms, as was custom. It had been so long since he’d been to a funeral, it almost felt like a first time again. The first couple were of elderly relatives and were attended before he turned eighteen, the last being of a colleague he barely knew who’d taken his life over five years ago. As closely as Zeller worked with death in his professional life, he had very little experience with it in his personal life. 

That had changed with Beverly’s death. Now he was intimately acquainted with death, more so than he’d ever been before. He knew far more than he ever needed to about what Beverly’s insides looked like. He hated that it left such an imprint on his brain that it was hard to focus on any positive memories without thinking of what became of her. It was like a stain on every good moment they shared. It was difficult to be grateful for them when he knew there wouldn’t be any more, when there should have been many more. She was owed such a longer life than she had. She did so much good with the half-life that she did have, she would have done so many more good things had she had a full one.

Once the rabbi was finished with the El Malei Rachamim and moment of silence for the deceased, he raised his head to look to Zeller and he gave a nod, rising from his pew. Rebecca, who was seated beside Jimmy, reached out and took his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “You’ve got this,” she mouthed and Jimmy rested his hand on the inside of his friend’s elbow, giving a nod. Zeller mustered a weak smile back at them, squeezing his sister’s hand back before releasing it and heading up the aisle to approach the pulpit. The rabbi stepped aside and gestured for the agent to take his place, which he did.

It was only until he was at the pulpit that the nerves really hit him and he noticed just how many people there were in the synagogue. It was almost completely full, with at least two-hundred fifty people sitting and staring at him right now. Zeller swallowed, feeling the ever present dryness at the back of his throat. It was always there when he wasn’t drinking alcohol, which he hadn’t been since last night. The one thing he wasn’t going to do was show up drunk to Beverly’s funeral, as tempting as it had been to get wasted the morning of.

“Thanks everyone…” he started with a slight rasp in his voice, but then cleared it and repeated, “Thanks everyone for coming. It means a lot that this many people would show up for Beverly.” He shoved a hand in his trouser pocket and tapped the edges of his notecards on the pulpit, nodding lightly. “But I shouldn’t be surprised because Bev would show up for each and every one of you. Even if you didn’t know her all that well. She’d always be there for people who needed it.” He bit the corner of his lip and glanced down at his note cards, shifting in place and clearing his throat again.

“It’s hard to come up with an anecdote to represent Bev or describe what she was like… because every moment with her was remarkable. Every time we hung out was better than the last. I only wish that I had done so more, especially in the past few months.” He felt his chest throb with regret at allowing a wedge to come between them, especially during the last months of her life. But they didn’t need to know that. “My favorite times were our Jewish Christmases, where if Hanukkah didn’t take place on the twenty-fifth, we’d come over to my place and order Chinese food and play video games all day. We’d say that that was our favorite holiday.” 

There were a few chuckles from the crowd and a light smile touched Zeller’s lips before he glanced down at his note cards and continued, “If I had to describe Bev in one word, it would be… bright. Not just bright as in smart, though she was sharp as a tack, but bright like a lighthouse. Like the light at the end of the tunnel. She gave hope, she believed in you even when you didn’t. And you trusted her because you knew she couldn’t be wrong, so there must be something worthwhile about you.” His smile widened and he blinked repeatedly.

“A lot of people thought that we were dating on the sly but it was never like that for us,” he said with a soft chuckle. “No, we always got along better as friends and we knew it was better that way. I did ask her one time if she would make a pact to marry me if we both ended up being still single at forty, and she promptly told me to piss off.” That earned an even louder hum of chuckles from the attendees and he glanced down at her parents who were mustering smiles in their grimaces of pain. “I do know that she wanted to be a mom at some point and…” Emotion rose up in him, feeling like a hand squeezing around his throat. “I wish someone could have given her that because she would have been a really great mom.” His voice wavered with the last few words and his eyes grew hot with tears working their way in.

“But she wouldn’t settle for nobody. She was married to the job like we all were. And… it’s gonna be really difficult not having her there. Not only because she was the smartest among us, she was also the glue that held the team together. Sometimes we’d end up in arguments, but Bev was always the mediator, always the voice of reason. But she made everyone feel heard and seen. That’s how we all knew she was the oldest sibling. She was a big sister to us all.” He looked to his younger sister Rebecca and she nodded at him, then looked to his mom and stepdad sitting beside her. They had all known and loved Beverly like one of their own.

There were a few beats of silence that hung in the synagogue as the words started to blur on his notecards, other than a few coughs from the crowd. He sniffed and blinked away the tears, looking up at the attendees as they started to blur together too. Setting down the notecards on the pulpit, he sighed and let his head hang. “None of these words are doing her justice,” he murmured with a small shake of his head. “Because there are no words that could fully describe what Beverly meant to us all. Something like that can’t be explained, it can only be felt. And I feel… lost without her.” He swallowed hard and lowered his eyes. “Frankly I don’t want to be here, I want to be holed up in my apartment, getting drunk so I can forget she’s gone. Or sleep so I can dream she’s still alive.. I don’t…” Tears stung like pinpricks in his eyes and he squeezed them shut. “... want a life without Beverly. I don’t think any of us do.” He paused and added, “But we have no choice.”

He huffed and shook his head, uttering a choked laugh. “Oh, and she would find it all too amusing that I’m up here talking about myself. I can see her crossing her arms and shaking her head, saying ‘that’s just so you, Zee.’” He pressed his lips together. He could tell them that he was pretty sure he was the last person to speak to Beverly before she met her killer. He could tell them that they had a falling out because of their differences of opinion on Will Graham. He could admit that he might not have been her best friend in the end anymore. But that would muddy the waters, detract attention from where it should be, which was on her, not him. This is not about you, he thought to himself and nodded.

“Beverly’s not here because she was taken from us,” he said gravely, gripping either edge of the pulpit. “She’s gone because she was murdered… by someone we should have caught a long time ago. Someone for whom justice will come one day and I dearly hope soon. And yeah there is some responsibility that lies with some of us in this room, me included.” He cleared his throat to swallow again and took a deep breath. “But I know Beverly wouldn’t want us to blame ourselves. Even if we do, she wouldn’t blame us either. She would say it’s an occupational hazard, that she knew what she was doing and what she had signed up for, and to think of her as a fallen soldier.” 

He looked down to her casket and let another silence fall over the room for a few seconds. “I could be up here for hours and it still wouldn’t be enough to send someone like Beverly off. She was so much grander than the words I’m using. It’s hard to believe someone like that could even be dead. She seemed larger than life. Invincible. Untouchable. But I guess this proves to us that nobody is, and that we need to cherish every moment we have with each other. Because we never know if it’s going to be our last. If I’d known the last time I talked to Beverly was going to be the last, I would have hugged her and not let go until she shoved me off. And I suggest you do the same for your loved ones tonight.”

He took another deep breath and flexed his fingers on the corners of the pulpit. “I know you can’t hear me, Bev, but on the off chance you can… I love you. You were the best of us. I know I’ll never meet anyone like you again. I’m both glad and heartbroken over that. You were the best thing to ever happen to me… and losing you is the worst thing to ever happen to me. But I’ll never forget the good times. I’m pretty sure I’ll think about you every day til I die. Thank you for being in my life.”

He wiped under his eyes and went down to Beverly’s casket, putting his hand over where her head would be and then patted it. “Yehi zichra mahapecha,” he murmured under his breath. It was only after he started walking down the aisle again that the tears rushed in. It felt like he was walking away from his best friend once and for all. He didn’t want to, he wanted to go back and pound on that casket until she woke up. But that wasn’t going to happen. She was really gone.

The tears ran down his cheeks and dripped to the blue carpet along the aisle. He approached and passed his seat, Jimmy and his family turning to watch him go all the way down to the entrance and open to let himself out. He didn’t want to break down in public. Rebecca got up from her seat and moved past Jimmy and followed her brother out of the synagogue at a discreet pace. Outside, he was sitting on the steps and weeping and she sat down beside him, leaning against him and wrapping an arm around his back.

“She’s not coming back,” he whimpered, shielding his eyes with his hand. “She’s gone and she’s not coming back.” Rebecca shook her head slowly and squeezed her arm around her brother. It hurt her to see him in so much pain like never before. “I’m here,” she whispered and stroked his back. “We’re all here for you. And you did so good up there, Brian. I’m proud of you. Bev would be proud of you.” He turned toward her and then leaned his face against her shoulder, letting the fabric of her dress soak up his tears.

zee: yo! what's your body count? will: uhh.. 38! why? jimmy: dude, you are a WHORE. will: wait.. what kind of body count are we on about here? bev: people we've slept with? duh will: oh, in that case, 0. will walks off with hannibal in complete silence zee: wait a minute... zee: WHAT THE HELL DOES 38 REPRESENT?!

At Least It’s Not Sports (Part Four - Senior Year, Second Semester)

and here’s the grand finale! thanks for hanging out, theatre nerds, and happy Richie Tozier’s birthday!

Title: At Least It’s Not Sports (High School Drama Club AU)

Pairings: Reddie, Stanlon, Benverly, Bill x Audra

Rating: less explicit than last time but still a quick sexy moment

Summary: Richie interrupted his thoughts. “So. You wanna talk?” Eddie didn’t want to talk. He wanted to kiss Richie so hard that they both forgot everything about what had happened between them, and then he wanted to start over from there. He reined back his imagination and nodded slowly. “I think that would be a good idea.”

Warnings: excessive sappiness, straightforward Stan

Freshman Year / Sophomore Year / Junior Year / Senior Year First Semester

Read on Ao3!

They didn’t talk to each other for a little while after The Incident.

Everything else was normal. They both ate at the same lunch table, both continued to socialize with their friends, both went through the motions of school. They just...didn’t talk to each other.

It fucking sucked.

Eddie missed Richie with everything in him, to the point where it was physically painful to even look at him most days. He knew he was the one that had fucked up - if he hadn’t had so much to drink, then things wouldn’t have escalated in the first place - but for the first time, it really, truly felt like Richie hated him, and that was almost unbearable.

More than that, it meant that Eddie didn’t have anyone he could talk to. Richie had morphed, over the summer, into not only friend and crush but confidante. Eddie trusted him implicitly - always had, even when things were rocky - and though he loved the rest of his friends, his relationship with them wasn't the same. Even Bev didn’t get him like Richie did - didn’t listen and understand like Richie could.

He found himself on the phone with Stan a lot.

“I don't know if you should talk to him, Eddie, I really don’t.” Stan sounded tired. He always sounded tired. College seemed exhausting. “You probably really freaked him out. I can’t imagine hooking up with someone only to realize after the fact that they weren't really in any position to consent.”

“I did consent,” Eddie insisted, cradling his cellphone to his ear and willing his mother to stay out of his room. “I wanted it. All of it.”

“Did you tell him that?”

Eddie sighed. “No. But he won’t even look at me.”

“If you tell him that, he might.”

“But--”

“Don’t call me if you don’t want my advice, Eddie,” Stan said, and hung up.

“I applied to NYU--” Eddie tried, hoping that a subject change would keep Stan on the phone, but he was already gone.

The winter play rolled around much like it always did - too quickly. Bill was absolutely beside himself with making sure that everything was running smoothly...no matter how many times Eddie assured him that yes, everything was running smoothly. Bev’s costumes were sublime, Ben’s set design was sophisticated and easy to work with and around (which Eddie very much appreciated, as SM), and Richie was brilliant in a part that had literally been written for him.

In short, it was perfect, and Eddie absolutely hated it.

He hated that every single thing on stage was a visual reminder of the fact that they were leaving; that it was their last straight play together. He hated Bill’s obsessing, and Bev’s incessant swatching, and Ben’s need to focus and refocus the lights.

Most of all, he hated having to watch Richie. The stage was where Richie belonged; where Eddie had fallen in love with him, and now, it was where Eddie came back to have his heart sliced open again and again and again.

Sometimes, Richie would catch him looking. Those were probably the moments that sucked the worst. Neither of them had any idea what to do, so Eddie would end up angrily returning to his clipboard and Richie would shove his hands in his pockets and look down.

Stan was still on winter break through their final dress rehearsal, and so decided to come in to assess the play’s progress. (Eddie was pretty sure he was actually there to check out attractive, older Bill, but that was apparently neither here nor there...and besides, Stan and Mike were still going strong.) When he saw what was going on between Richie and Eddie, he all but ripped out his curls.

“Why didn’t you tell me that things were this bad,” he hissed once Eddie had given his end of show notes. Eddie had been careful not to include Richie in them for the last couple of runs because he didn’t want to seem vindictive...but there were some major prop switches that Richie needed to make, and Eddie knew that Stan had noticed each and every one. “It’s impacting the show.”

Eddie sighed. “I did tell you. Obviously you’re not listening to the shit I tell you over the phone.”

“No, I’m not,” Stan acquiesced. “Well, shit, Eddie.”

“Well, shit,” Eddie agreed, pulling the strings of his black hoodie tight enough that his face was enveloped in his hood.

“So let’s fix it.” Stan was not in the mood for pity parties (not now, and really not ever). He stood up once Ms. Starrett was finished giving acting notes, and crossed down through the sea of departing actors. Eddie watched him, frozen with panic.

“You mean right now?!”

“Right now,” Stan confirmed. “If the audience has to watch Richie Tozier walk onstage tomorrow with a dagger that looks like it came out of a Polly Pocket set, it will be your fault, and I will be sure to murder you personally. We are talking to him right now.”

“Tyrant,” Eddie moaned, shuffling reluctantly after him.

Richie’s face lit up when he saw Stan, and Eddie felt an ugly pang of jealousy - it had been weeks since Richie had looked at him with anywhere near that kind of excitement.

“O Stanny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling!” Richie pulled Stan into a hug, which Stan returned with minimal enthusiasm and mild disgust. “What brings you back to hang with us lowly folk?”

“First and most importantly, I hate you,” Stan began, counting off on his fingers. “Second, grab a different knife from the prop table at the beginning of act two, for the love of God.”

Richie’s face fell. “I like the pink one, though.”

“Third,” Stan continued, plowing through at a rate that was making Eddie’s heart hammer, “I’ve got someone here who’d like to talk to you.”

“Mike?” Richie looked around with interest.

“I wish.” Stan took a moment to look wistful, and then reached back to pull Eddie forward. “Ta-da.”

Eddie swallowed hard and willed himself to sink through the floor.

Richie was pretending to look pleasantly surprised, but his switch to a shitty Russian accent betrayed the fact that Stan had actually put him off of his game. “Zees eeez...veddy unexpected, Comrade.”

“That’s me,” Stan said, purely monotone, “Mr. Unexpected.”

Richie and Eddie blinked back at him.

“Well, okay.” Stan ran a hand through his hair matter-of-factly. “My work here should never have started, but it did, and now it’s done, and I’m gonna go to Mike’s. Use protection if it comes to that, please.”

Neither of them felt like they were in a position to respond to Stan’s insult, so he was met with silence. This was clearly very satisfying for him; he walked away with a smile on his face. Richie and Eddie watched him until he reached the door.

Eddie didn’t want to be the first one to break the silence, so he turned back and looked at Richie’s hands instead. They were way bigger than his, and obviously not paid much mind to (there was a callous on the inside of his right pointer finger from his pencil, and there were pen scribbles up and down his arms from when he was bored in class), but Eddie had always thought that they were kind of beautiful.

Richie interrupted his thoughts. “So. You wanna talk?”

Eddie didn’t want to talk. He wanted to kiss Richie so hard that they both forgot everything about what had happened between them, and then he wanted to start over from there.

He reined back his imagination and nodded slowly. “I think that would be a good idea.”

“I think so, too.” Richie took a deep breath, and gestured to one of the rows of auditorium seats. “Wanna sit?”

“Sure.” Eddie sat in the space that Richie had gestured to, feeling awkward about how formal this all suddenly felt. Richie looked like he felt the same way, which was a small comfort.

Once they were both situated, Eddie geared himself up, and began.

“I guess I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” he said, picking at his shoelaces.

Richie crossed his arms and slouched in his chair. “I’m not super sure what you’re sorry about. I’m the one that did the fucked up thing, remember?”

“No.” Eddie couldn’t bring himself to look at Richie. “No, Rich. I, uh, planned the getting drunk and talking to you thing. I planned it.”

“Okay, what.” Eddie knew that Richie’s eyes were on him; could almost feel them, like they were laser beams. “I don’t think I get it.”

“I wanted to be with you, and I didn’t think I was going to be brave enough to be honest about that if I was sober,” Eddie said, so quickly that it was basically incomprehensible. He forcibly jerked his head up to look at Richie - he didn’t want to know how much Richie was going to hate him, but he had to deal with the repercussions of all this properly or he’d be kicking himself for years, probably.

Eddie could practically see Richie deciphering and then processing the information he’d been given. His eyebrows went up, and he knitted his brow in concentration. “Okay. I mean - am I really that scary?”

“Sometimes,” Eddie admitted, feeling the tips of his ears go scarlet. “Mostly, I think I’m scared of myself.”

“And why is that?” Richie started to bounce his leg. Eddie was starting to feel anxious by proxy.

This crazy, stupid dancing around each other shit needed to stop. Eddie was going to put an end to it, right this instant.

“Because I want you so much,” Eddie breathed, looking Richie directly in the eyes. “I know you’re gonna break my heart, and I want you anyway.”

Richie inhaled softly and flexed his fingers, seemingly debating whether or not to touch Eddie. He ultimately withheld his hands, but he kept his eyes on Eddie, combing up and down.

“I didn’t date April because I liked her,” Richie finally said, tapping on his leg. “You know that, right?”

Eddie thought about it - remembered the sick, churning jealousy he used to feel when he saw Richie and April together. “I didn’t at the time.”

“And I didn’t leave you at the cast party because I didn’t want you,” he continued, closing his eyes. “I want you. I’ve wanted you since that first fucking day, when you sassed me back at the Workshop.”

“Oh.” Eddie didn’t know how to respond to that. His stomach was tied in so many knots that he was sure he wouldn’t be able to eat for weeks. He’d always assumed that Richie was joking - at least in the early days. “Why, um...why didn’t you tell me?”

Richie turned a little bit so that his upper body was facing Eddie. He was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re scary, too. And it’s hard, you know...when you’re a little shit who can’t fucking hold it together when his crush starts flirting back.”

Eddie didn’t know what he was talking about...and then suddenly, he did.

“Is that what happened sophomore year?” Eddie asked, genuinely curious. Richie chuckled.

“Yeah. My feelings were kicking my ass, and I saw something happening that I felt like I didn’t deserve, so I...bailed.”

“Are you gonna bail this time?”

Eddie didn’t know what prompted him to say that, but he was a little mortified that he had. He buried his head in his hands, face burning red.

Before he had a chance to cool down, one of his hands was being tugged away from his face. Richie took it and held it between both of his own, like it was something precious.

“I’m gonna do my best,” Richie said softly.

This time, when he leaned in for a kiss, Eddie didn’t pull away.

----

“So are you guys like, dating?” Ben squinted at the two of them, confused.

It was the next day at lunch, and Richie had just finished recounting their post-rehearsal conversation to their friends...which was embarrassing as fuck, especially because Richie kept trying to embellish the things that he said to make it sound more badass...but it felt like stuff that everyone else needed to know. The group had put up with their shit for a long, long time.

Eddie shrugged. “Something like that.”

Bev stared between the two of them with murderous eyes.

“Something like that?! I listened to both of you asshats whine about your feelings for years! You’re dating, and that’s final! I deserve this!”

Richie sipped at his water bottle. “Yeah, okay.”

Still fuming, Bev pushed herself up and over to the hot lunch line. Richie and Eddie watched her go, and as soon as she was gone, put their joined hands on the lunch table.

“You know, me and Bev are dating,” Ben said, trying to add relevant information to the conversation.

“We know,” Richie, Eddie, Bill, and Audra chorused.

“Oh.” Ben thought about that. “Shit.”

“We’re all coupled off, now,” Bill said, giving Richie and Eddie a warm smile. “Fucking gross.”

“Fucking gross,” Eddie agreed, feeling almost serene for the first time in his whole adolescence.

----

Sonia took the news considerably less well.

Eddie had turned eighteen back in September, and so was an adult and legally able to leave Sonia’s house should the need arise. This was the primary reason he decided to tell Sonia that he’d been actively disobeying her all year - if she tried anything, he could leave, and Richie had already offered his house as a sanctuary of sorts. Richie’s parents knew and understood the circumstances, and seconded Richie’s offer enthusiastically. (They’d met Eddie at cast events before, and when Richie brought him back to his house for the first time, Maggie Tozier had taken one look at the two of them, thrown her head back, and let out a big, hearty laugh - Richie’s laugh - and said “Oh, FINALLY, Richard.”)

Eddie would have loved to have had Richie there for the big reveal, but that would only have made things worse, guaranteed.

“Mama,” he said, on one otherwise unremarkable night in mid-March, “I have news.”

“If it’s to say that you got into that New York school, put the thought out of your head,” Sonia said irritably, “you’ll catch something awful in those disgusting subways.”

Eddie had, in fact, gotten into NYU’s College of Arts and Sciences for prehealth, but that wasn’t the conversation he was looking to have at the moment.

“It’s about Richie Tozier,” he said, bracing himself.

Sure enough, she whipped around, eyes glinting. “What about Richard Tozier, Edward?”

Eddie took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eyes, and bit the bullet. “He’s my boyfriend.”

Sonia genuinely didn’t know what to do with herself at that. Her face changed colors several times before settling on an unattractive purple, and she gestured wildly with her hands. It would have been funny if Eddie weren’t absolutely terrified.

“I knew he’d lure you back in,” she finally hissed. “Boys that...evocative...are nothing if they’re not preying on younger, nicer--”

“I’m older than Richie,” Eddie said, anger bubbling up in his throat, “it was his birthday last week...and he’s a good person, mama. I’m with Richie because he’s a good person.”

“He’s corrupted you.” Sonia reached for the landline, which was on the table next to her chair. “I’m calling the doctor.”

“I won’t go.” Eddie stood firm, even though his nerves were all but begging him to buckle. “I’m eighteen now, mom. I won’t go.”

They glared at each other for an uncomfortably long time. Eddie could see the fear in her eyes - the lack of understanding, the hatred - and he wondered, not for the first time, how he could have possibly grown up to be the person he was while living in her household.

“Go to your room,” she said once the silence became unbearable. “Don’t come back down.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Eddie muttered, climbing the stairs with great relief.

She stopped acknowledging him after that, for the most part. Eddie counted it as a win.

----

The musical was a joyous experience, especially compared to the icy treatment Eddie was getting at home.

Ms. Starrett had picked a comedy for Richie, and he was absolutely thriving in his role. Every time he got to pratfall or do an exaggerated voice, his eyes would flick over to Eddie for a split second, and Eddie lived for those moments - lived to bask in that joy.

Well, really, actually, Eddie was living for every single moment he spent in Richie’s company. Eddie had quietly loved his time stage managing for the drama club since his freshman year. Losing himself in cues and notes and schedules was so easy, and he loved seeing the finished product and knowing that he’d played a central role in making things come to be.

There had only been one piece missing, and now that he had it, Eddie was loudly loving his time stage managing. Mrs. Starrett couldn’t believe how drastically his mood had changed, and was being really nosy about trying to figure out the reason. (Eddie was pretty sure she already know and just wanted to hear him say it, but he wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction after last year’s ‘Richie and Eddie bit’ debacle.)

The rest of the cast found it...extremely annoying.

“You know, I thought I wanted this,” Bev said after she caught Richie with his hands down Eddie’s pants in the costume closet for the fourth time, “but so help me God, if this happens again, I will castrate you both.”

“Does Ben know about your interest in our dicks?” Richie asked, not removing his hands from the bare skin of Eddie’s ass. Eddie closed his eyes and prepared for swift death by way of Beverly Marsh.

“Just make it quick this time, dumbass.” Beverly turned on her heel and left, obviously disgusted. “But then, it’s always quick for you.”

Eddie giggled against Richie’s lips as they listened to her leave. “She got you.”

“You got me,” Richie mumbled, groping Eddie’s ass with renewed interest. “You got all of me.”

“I did,” Eddie said, in wonder and amazement, kissing him fiercely. “Holy shit, I did.”

Like all joyous things, though, the musical was over far too soon. Before Eddie knew it, he was watching Richie, Bill, and Bev take their final bows, wearing matching togas and crying. (Eddie may also have been crying, but nobody needed to know that.) Richie looked offstage for a moment and blew him a kiss, eyes sparkling with tears and emotion, and Eddie flipped him off in return, heart full.

“You okay down there, Eddie?” Ben’s voice came cautiously over the headset. He was a junior and there was no need for him to shed any tears yet, so he was rather alarmed by his friends’ emotional outbursts.

“I’m not crying, Ben, shut up,” Eddie hissed into his headset.

“I didn’t say--”

“Shut up,” Eddie repeated, switching off his headset and turning back to the stage, trying to memorize the way Richie’s curls haloed in the stage lights.

Eddie skipped out on the final part of crew cleanup (he’d been in this program for four whole years; he deserved a little bit of leeway, and besides, Stan had done the same thing his senior year) to go greet Richie in the lobby after the show. He had pretty much stopped crying by then, so he figured he was safe to appear in public without anyone questioning his red eyes.

He was so wrong. As soon as he saw Richie standing with his parents, looking gleeful and absolutely wrecked, his eyes immediately started to burn with happy tears.

“Richie,” he called, reaching into his bag to grab the comic books and candy he’d bought as a congratulatory present. (Richie always killed flowers, so that was out.) “C’mere!”

It took Richie a moment to locate him, but once he did, his face lit up like a Christmas tree. He bounded over to Eddie in four neat strides, reached out, and swooped him up in his arms, spinning him crazily. “Eds, Eds, Eds!”

“Oh my fuck--put me down, idiot!” Eddie banged on his shoulder, trying and failing to pretend to be upset. “I’ve got stuff for you, and you just made me drop it.”

“So sweet,” Richie cooed, getting in one more good spin before putting Eddie back down, “Spaghetti Kaspbrak really thinks that I’d want any gift but a date with his mo--”

“Shut UP,” Eddie groaned, pulling himself up on his tiptoes, “shut up, shut up.”

“With pleasure,” Richie agreed, pulling him in for a terrible (wonderful) kiss with too much teeth and Richie’s glasses pressed uncomfortably into Eddie’s face. Eddie heard Ms. Starrett give a little excited cheer behind him, and couldn’t help but giggle into Richie’s mouth. For all of her poking around, it was nice to know that they had her support.

“Edward.” Eddie jumped back at the sound of a second, uncomfortably familiar voice. Richie opened his eyes and peered out through his glasses, looking confused and a little hurt, but his expression morphed into extreme concern when he saw who was behind Eddie.

With a shudder, Eddie turned around to face his mother.

“Mom?”

Sonia looked uncharacteristically pensive. She wasn’t dressed as fancily as she usually did to leave the house - she was wearing a tracksuit and no garish jewelry - and her eyes were trained on the ground.

“I wanted to say,” she began, “that--”

“Mama don’t,” Eddie pleaded softly, looking anxiously between her and Richie.

“That I thought the show was very amusing,” she finished, looking up - not at him, but at Richie. “You performed very well, Richard.”

Richie shoved his hands into his pockets, stunned. “Uh. Thanks, Mrs. K.”

“I hope you’re proud, Edward.” Her eyes fell on Eddie, now, and it was all Eddie could do not to cry. He’d never imagined she’d make an effort - never in a million years thought that she’d be nice to Richie, or appreciate any of the things that Eddie enjoyed.

For all of the shit she’d put him through - and all of the shit she’d put him through in the future, because this wasn’t totally fixed yet, not by a long shot - she did love him, at the end of the day.

“Thank you, mama,” he whispered.

She straightened up. “I expect you back home by ten.”

“Yes,” he said numbly. “Okay.”

“Have a nice night, boys,” she said, turning to leave. “Be appropriate, and Eddie-bear...take your medicine.”

“Okay!” Eddie said, at the same time that Richie said, “You’re one in a million, Mrs. K!”

After she exited the door of the lobby, Eddie turned back to Richie. “Am I dreaming?”

“Fuck if I know.” Richie smiled, soft and sweet. “All dreams are good dreams when both me and your mother are involved, though--”

“Choke on a thousand dicks,” Eddie laughed, and kissed him again, dizzy with hope and disbelief.

He couldn't have asked for a more perfect closing night.

----

By the time the drama awards happened, they all knew where they were going off to college - except for Richie.

Eddie had sent in his paperwork to NYU, and was incredibly excited to be able to start fresh in a place that was so...not Derry. His mother wasn’t thrilled about his decision, and was, alarmingly, looking for apartments just outside of the city so as to be nearer to him, but Eddie was handling that. It was nice to feel like he could handle that, now.

(Stan was kind of upset that Eddie hadn’t chosen to join he and Mike in Boston, but given that Bill was enrolled in Boston University’s playwriting program, he couldn’t complain.)

Bev was headed to the city, too - she was going to study fashion at Parsons, which Eddie thought was just perfect. Ben wasn’t graduating until the year after, but he was already looking into NYU (or Columbia, as a reach) for architecture and design.

Richie had gotten into some schools - SUNY Pace and Purchase for acting, as well as Emerson in Boston (Stan had voiced some concerns about having Richie in Boston, but Eddie was pretty sure he was secretly hoping for it to happen), but he was still waiting to hear back from his first choice, NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts. He and Eddie were both going a little crazy over the lack of response - Richie because it was his future, and Eddie because he felt like they deserved to be in the same place for the next four years, after all the shit they’d gone through to be together.

The letter came on the day of the awards, and Richie all but had a nervous breakdown.

“I was already terrified of not getting anything tonight, but now this?” Richie brandished the letter at Eddie like it was on fire. “This?!?”

The letter was tellingly large. Eddie rolled his eyes.

“They don’t send all this shit to people who don’t get in, you absolute nerd,” Eddie sighed, taking the offending object from Richie’s hands. “You want me to open it?”

“Please,” Richie mumbled, bouncing on the soles of his feet. “Just...rip off the bandaid.”

Eddie tore open the white paper and extracted a folder. He opened it, and felt his own nerves melt away.

“Congratulations, Richard Tozier,” Eddie read triumphantly, “you’re gonna act at NYU!”

Richie leapt at Eddie so ferociously that the two of them went toppling down onto the grass of Richie’s front lawn. Eddie couldn’t bring himself to care about the inevitable grass stains on the back of his polo - instead, he reached for Richie and kissed every inch of space on his face that he could reach. Finally, finally, finally, the universe was giving them a go-ahead.

“This is the best day of my fucking life,” Richie crowed, grabbing Eddie’s face and kissing him back firmly. “Which program did they put me in?”

Eddie re-opened the folder. “Uh. Experimental theatre wing?”

“Yesssss,” Richie breathed, “the weird shit. Oh, Eds, the future’s gonna kick ass for us, isn’t it?”

“It better,” Eddie said, curling himself against Richie and burying his face in his shoulder. “No, it will. We’ll be together, so it will.”

“Cute, cute, cute.” Richie snaked his arm around Eddie’s shoulders. “Hey, do you think you’ll pick back up with stage management when you’re there? You know...for me?”

“Don’t ruin it,” Eddie warned, words half-muffled by Richie’s shoulder.

Richie laughed. “Just a thought. You know...for youherrrrr considehrrratiohnnnn,” he finished, moving into an unplaceable accent.

“We’ll figure shit out when we get there,” Eddie said, giving Richie a halfhearted shove for using a stupid voice.

Whatever happened, it would be okay. They’d figure it out together.

----

And if Eddie was considering continuing to stage manage, well...Richie didn’t have to know that until later.

----

Eddie Kaspbrak loved theatre.

There were a lot of things about him that he wasn’t super sure about, but that much he knew was unequivocally true. He loved the lights, the sets, the way the mood changed when the lights went down. He loved knowing that everything was in its place; he loved being the person that called the shots to make the magic happen. He even loved the people - he knew that all of the friends he’d made there over the years were friends that he’d keep forever.

Most of all, though, Eddie loved watching Richie Tozier do theatre. He loved seeing Richie perform, he loved watching him win the award for ‘Best Overall Acting’ at their senior drama awards, and he loved the fact that Richie was going to be able to move on and do the thing that he was so absolutely tremendous at.

Eddie Kaspbrak loved theatre...and Richie Tozier, and that was that.

End scene, blackout.

BEV & ZEE AESTHETIC MOODBOARD --- @katzsche

y’ALL remember when katz (@lookwhatthekatzdraggedin) flew up here to MN to see amanda p.almer w/ me back in november? well now i’m gonna be flying down to texas in just TWO WEEKS and hanging at her place for almost a full week. i’m so excited tbh

I love teaching and connecting with people. One of the reasons why I decided to become a yoga teacher was to do something that I loved, that filled me up and made me feel good about what I was sharing. I wanted to share my passion with the world and make an impact. Becoming a full time teacher was one of the best things that I ever did. ❤️ I’m so grateful and humbled by the beautiful testimonials from the amazing humans who came on my yoga retreats. Any feedback is good feedback. I’m also here to learn and grow from others, my surroundings and my experiences. You inspire me! 🙏💚 Here are some beautiful testimonials My partner and I went to Evangeline’s yoga retreat in March 2021 for some much needed downtime together. We loved every minute of it. The location, the accommodation, pools, yoga and OMG the food!!!I highly recommend Evangeline’s retreats to singles and couples’ Michelle Ros I did Evangeline Yeun's wonderful yoga retreat in the Hunter Valley late last year. The food, the rooms, the two pools, the yoga! It's all brilliant. Do yourself a favour and book. 🙏 Sheriden Rhodes Wow what an amazing retreat! Evangeline and Zee were fabulous hosts, I felt pampered, indulged and relaxed from the moment I arrived. The scenery, the gourmet food, the zen yoga classes, the pool, spa and stream room, what more can a girl ask for, oh yeah wine, thankfully we were in the hunter valley and they offer a wine tasting too! Amber Greenhalg Thank you for a totally beautiful weekend... you, the yoga, the place, the space, the food, the people, the laughter, the smiles, the wine, the weather... all the just perfect! Bev Dommett What a wonderful time I had at your retreat. The vibe, practice, food, company, and venue were all perfect! I feel like I've had several days away and ready for my week ahead. Thank you! Michelle Watson This retreat reinforced yoga as an “enduring essential” for the mind and body. Evangeline thanks for being a damn good teacher, catering for all levels, and demonstrating some of your incredible poses, (just to show novices like me what is possible!!)Great group too, loved it! Sharyn Reichstein #yogaretreats #selfcare #selflove #wellnessretreats (at Nu Leaf Retreat) https://www.instagram.com/p/CMk74xJDoMJ/?igshid=h2s8j388v6fa