why did my words continuously fall on deaf ears

could there not have been a time you heard

all of those years led to nothing

the intensity of my fire

is now the dust after the blaze

i will become someone new

someone you have never touched

and when you lay eyes on again, if ever

you will not recognize

someone who is not like wet clay under your touch

no longer easily pushed into form

no longer easily changed

If I feel this way about them

That means there are others

Those with the capability of feeling

That could feel that way about me

I deserve the love I give

mania

If I had shouted it loud, across rooftops and valleys Proclaimed it before the world Would the world have given acknowledgement back. A more permanent form. If I pulled myself out of your embrace on that rainy day, shielded my heart from the excitement in your eyes. From the taste of your lips in your car, mixed with the cold of the rain. Pulled myself from the step in front of your apartment the night of our first kiss. Stayed in the warmth of Arizona rather than learning of the warmth of your fingers, lips, eyes, your bed. Guided my eyes away from the sunlight kissing your face in the morning. Stopped it at the start, would my heart have been spared. Kept my palm out of yours in the cold, left your cardigan in the suitcase rather than pulling it tight around me. Never learned how deeply I could love you in the winter months. Would I have kept this mania inside, undiscovered. Would it not eat me out from the inside. Devour me whole in a brand new terrifying way.

always in my head; forever present

and I said I love you, chanted it alongside your name like a prayer in my head. over and over as if it was beyond my control it repeated. as if it were the breath in my lungs that kept me alive, the blood in my veins was the love that pounded in my heart and in my head, filled me as if I was a cup, and poured over the edges

Fed

Your quiet breath held mine captive Rough actions that sealed my mouth shut Against the screams that tore at my throat Pushed down into my stomach Guilt and hate became my new meal Fed in small and large doses Making the chasm grow deeper with every scream that never left Every no I ever said Screams that degraded into the whispers of the night Where the cool willows would listen to the pleas Of the broken girl With torn skin and a raw throat Tear streaks that burned down her cheeks Thighs worn red by endless scrubbing As she tried to wash away the memories of you The scars you left turning permanent As blood runs down the drain Scarring her lips and her legs Her back and her stomach Her neck and her wrists Your touch then burned her like a brand Claimed her and marked her; Where no one could see yet it still screamed to the world Screamed at her in the night when she saw Christmas lights that twinkled Screamed at her in forms of scars and loneliness Isolation and the complete desolation You desecrated her Her only safe place among the masses Her mental haven destroyed Her own skin a reminder Slowly, yet faster than she realized Loneliness and scars became the only reminder that she was still alive That she was still breathing Breaths that tear through her Raking her soul when she remembers Breaths that she begs to stop. Breaths that didn't come when you were there Breaths that she couldn't find when she went to beg you to stop Breaths that come in spurts and leave her at the slightest reminder The slight tilt of a hat at the grocery store The muted green of your walls Christmas lights and dark nights The brush of a human touch against her hand

A toothy grin.

The grin that she wakes up from at night Lungs screaming in pain as air refused to come in Heart pounding in terror as it grows claws and tries to fights its way out Screams becoming trapped in her throat as her eyes throw themselves around the room. Unable to think, unable to breath. Unable to find the will to breath when breathes stop raking her from the inside out Yet then came the guilt and the hate.

Her new meal of the day. Fed in the morning, when she wakes and sees her sheets. Fed in the morning, when she can’t leave her bed. Fed when she undresses and steps into the shower. Fed when she sees her thighs, and the bruises where they once sat. Fed with the reminder of you. Fed when she stares at the water down the drain, and sees red mixing into a light pink. Fed when she brushes her teeth, and looks in the mirror, unable to recognize the girl who stares back. Fed when those cold eyes stare at her, translucent skin and dark circles. Fed when she changes her clothes and sees her neck, retracing where your lips touched. Fed when she pulls down her sleeves, hiding her arms. The reminder that she was too weak. Fed when she sees her wrists, and the memory of your hands holding them down breaks through.

You feed her, every second of every day. Every breath a reminder that she didn’t get away. Your terror is left in her Branded her like cattle. Always your prized possession. Your terror restricts her. The memory of you straps her in her grave. Alongside every scream and plea that never left.

Oxford Blue - Protanomaly.

In this moment I am here. In this moment I am aware, aware of the fabric on my skin, the smell of jasmine lingering among me, the weight of the metal bar pressing against my feet. While what comes next seems to derail me, send me spiraling into the past, these things are not the now, not the present. Its not possible to feel nothing, I think. But I also think not. I felt no motivation, no need to move, to speak, to look. I would see my phone go off beside me, filled with the insistent messages from those who cared for me. I could have explained, I told myself how easy it would be to just pick up the phone, and send a message rather than nothing. The anguish it would prevent. Then the overwhelming and all-consuming numbness whispered its lies in my ear, clasped me tightly and withheld my souls breath. I felt as if I were put on hold, stopped and encased as I stared into space. No want nor desire took hold, only the devastating void that those things left behind. I wanted the will, the motivation. Yet instead I stared at the white wash walls, bathed in the luminescent light of the tv, of the monitor, playing songs to avoid the physical representation of my feelings or lack thereof in the space around me. At the very least, I could make that not empty nor desolate. I felt weightless, yet grounded. Aware yet disassociated. My feelings had taken such a strong hold of me that they completely reduced me to a numb. No pain could reach me, no happiness, no laughter nor warmth. It is a dark numbness, an oxford blue is the closest thing I can associate it with. Hours could go by, yet I would remain impassive, eyes on a fixed point upon the wall; in the blankets, on the changing colors which flitted around my room. Some part of me wishing through the numbness, some part of me hoping desperately, yet vainly. Hoping that it would entrance me, grasp my hand and pull me from the cold embrace of me visceral emotions. Hours would pass, the messages dived low in frequency and the music droned on, the chasm had only grown wider and deeper. No longer could I find the hope, no longer could I think. The only constant was the throb of numbness throughout my body, dwelling within my chest, emanating from my center, from my core. From it was fear, anger, guilt, hopelessness and all the inbetween’s. It was an anchor, one that worked too well. It dragged me into the depths, its pressure withholding my breath, its presence looming. It tired my body yet kept my mind painfully aware to only one thing; itself. It clawed at me, the holding of my mind and desecrated my painstaking sought out peace. Tore me out from the inside. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes into hours. They passed by my eyes unnoticed and unperceived as I dwelled in the complexity of my numbness. All consuming, all aware, all present.