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mycatisnamed-bukowski-blog · 4 years

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strange days of human existence

i have this kind of

strange days

where i ask the questions

we all ask, without answer.

and i look for all the ways

i could destroy myself

sadly without sucess.

and every word i write

is underlined in red

the same shade as my nails

on the days im saddest.

it all coming down,

in the name of

strange days of humans existence

when i ask the questions

i so desperately need answered.

and when there is no response

from god of any religion

i ask myself.

what is the answer?

and since these are my bad days

my cousciousness replays

in the most expected way:

you should kill yourself

#sad #sad poetry #bad days #strange #god #my writing #human existence #questions #answers #writing #poem #poetry #poet #sad thoughts #thoughts #may be triggering #triggering #red #red nail polish

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mycatisnamed-bukowski-blog · 4 years

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since last summer, i had this huge, endlessl hole in my heart and it always kept on reminding me i am missing something. it was so painful i had no idea what to do, it began to drive me crazy. and i couldnt seem to get rid of it. i tried materialistic things, love, anger, drama. food, cigarretes, i tried everything i could to atleast foget it is there, but i simply couldnt. and what was worse, i didnt know what was causing it.

until today, because today i stared understanding things i couldnt before. things like true friendship doesnt change even when we dont talk for months, or like it was you who created the hole. and that it was you who also repaired it.

my dearest bestfriends, my family.

today, after this whole time we got back together and nothing has truly changed between us. there was not any moment when we were awkwardly quiet or when we were like starngers. it was like we never grew away from each other. and maybe we were meant to take this time apart only so we can come back stronger.

and we did.

even hours after you dropped me home, i feel the wind in my hair and the sun in my face, i still hear our laughter and smell the newness of matty´s new car. i still can smell cigarettes and i still can feel the happy feeling in my chest. it was waiting to explode. seeing you guys is better than love, than anything.

i have missed you so much and even when i forgot why we are so great together along the way, today has reminded me.

it is for the carelesness i feel, for the love we share.

today was the happiest day i had in a very long long time.

#friendship #friends #bestfriends #car #carrides #happy #Great day #happiest day #family #love #my writing #writing #summer #thoughts

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mycatisnamed-bukowski-blog · 4 years

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blaming you or me

it doesnt matter how good my day went, when i am alone, you always find your way back to me. i know i dont miss you anymore, i just terribly, deeply love you.

so much time passed, since we last talked in the name of our love and yet i cant seem to clean myself of you. you are at the back of my head, in the most unexpected words of my poetry, in the least likable character of any book, you hide in the sunset. i am begning to think you corrupted every beautiful thing and hide in it just to remind me of you.

why?

it is clear, so clear you dont love, nor miss me and yet you need to remind me of you.

when the madness gets too close to me, i even think you dont want me to stop loving you, just so you can use me as backdoor, so when you are older, you can always come back to me.

because deep down, we both knnow damn well i will drop anything anytime for you. in som kind of way, you use me even. and i dont mind. i love you, i will always love you.

even when i will be married one day, even when i will have children, home, even when i will be dying. you will be the thing that hurts me the most. you will be the person ill say i love you when i will have to choose. i will always choose you. even if you and everyone i hold dear will beg me not to.

because even when i want you gone, i hide you in my art, so i can alwas come back to you. because if i really think aboout it and stop blaming you, at the end of the day, it is me who hides you in beautiful things because the way you are is so beautiful. i can say bad things about you however many times and nothing changes the fact it is me who keeps you as a backdoor.

because if i let go, i will have no one to blame when i cant fall in love, when i cant sleep, when i hurt myself in unspeakable ways. and i am deeply sorry. you maybe dont know about it, but if you feel like something is your fault and you dont know what it is, i am sorry for causing it.

we shouldnt cause pain to people we love. there is no accebtable reason to do so.

i am sorry and i love you.

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