Just saw the like official post about the layout changes (I'm not bothering reblogging, I'm just here to rant), and boy howdy. I will admit that part of my issue with the change was that it was a change, and I hate change. However, I am still relatively new to the site, I've only really been here consistently for a couple of weeks, and I still hate it from a functional standpoint. Everything looks so much more cramped, the fact that I can't close the side stuff is just gross. I am here for content I would like to be able to see more of that and less useless blue space. I hate the "Important" buttons being just there on the left. It's the first thing I see and draws my eye way more than the site itself. I just UUUGGGGHHHH I love collapsible stuff, because then it's not really taking up space when I don't need it, so just having all the buttons out seems so unnecessary.

Obviously there are much MUCH bigger issues with tumblr as a site, that should be the priority when fixing user issues, so complaining about this is pointless. But from the same point, making these changes is also pointless and it's worth calling that out.

Hey, so it turns out, turtles fix everything.

I woke up at like 5:30-6 this morning and then I spent 2 hours cleaning my whole house, which is so therapeutic I cannot even, but now its like 10 o'clock and I have nothing to do.

Anybody else ever get that feeling of something just like itching in your skin so you have to do something, but the second you try doing anything it just gets so much worse. I am barely holding it together right now, actively typing this.

I can't watch youtube videos (short dumb videos aren't engaging enough and long serious videos are too engaging), I can't listen to a podcast (I need something to do physically with my body and the thought of listening to something while doing something else sounds like actual torture right now), I can't draw (I need to be listening to something and again the idea of having more than one thing take my attention sounds miserable), doom scrolling is out (I already reached my end point for tumblr and going down any other rabbit holes will only last a couple of minutes before I'll reach the point of wanting to tear my hair out), there's nothing I can clean or organize that will take enough effort to engage me but still be quick enough that I'll feel a sense of accomplishment for, I can't read an online comic because the words are so small and my eyes hurt, I can't read my webtoons because it's been a while since I've read anything and the idea of having to catch up sounds exhausting, any shows or movies I could watch are either too new and would take emotional effort to get invested in or are too familiar and won't be stimulating enough.

Basically I'm gonna die.

There are literally a million things I could be doing, and the idea of doing any of them sounds absolutely miserable. But I'm barely staving off the rising pressure by typing this out and I know the second I stop it'll creep up and I'll die.

Maybe I could go running? Except then I'd have to change clothes and my exercise clothes are disgusting. I can't do laundry cause my family's dryer is broken, so I can't wash my clothes yet. I also can't wash my towel so I can't take a shower.

Ugh, my hair is so disgusting right now. I have it all tied up in a weird way so that I don't rip it out of my scalp. I can't wait until I can shave my head, then I won't have to worry about this.

So I can't do my self care activities, and I can't accomplish a task that is very important to my everyday functions, and that's breaking me brain.

Noted.

Maybe when I rant like this I'll figure out what makes me feel this way.

I'm so tired, I want to take a nap, but I know I won't be able to fall asleep. I want to clean some more, but there isn't anything for me to do really. Especially since I have family members out and about getting in the way. UUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's fine.

I'm fine.

I'm doing great.

I'm losing my mind.

Maybe I should write poetry? I haven't done that in a while. But it sounds too involved. I already drew a bunch of angsty stuff after the fight with my mom. We're both just ignoring it by the way. I'm avoiding her as much as I can without making it obvious, and neither of us are addressing it. I only have one more week and then I'm gone. I'm so excited to leave.

Okay, I think this is it.

My brain is giving up on me.

I knew this wouldn't last forever, but it lasted for a bit, and for that I am grateful.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay, I'm done.

THEY CHANGED THE FREAKING LAYOUT OF MY DASHBOARD IM SCREAMING INTERNALLY

HOW DARE THEY? THIS- THIS- THIS IS MY SAFE SPACE DON'T CHANGE IT ON ME

I'M GONNA LOSE MY MIND

Here I am minding my own business and I can't find my freaking blog buttons, it won't scroll far enough up IT WON'T SCROLL FAR ENOUGH UP, what- what am I supposed to do?!? Change the way I post?!? What is wrong with YOUOOUOUOUOUOUOU!?!???!?!?

On a side note, I think I deal with change very effectively.

Extended family is so weird. Cause like they're strangers? Who feel entitled to your personal life? Because your genetics have enough similarities?

Got into a huge fight with my mom yesterday. Whoopee.

To preface, I don't fight with my mom. I've got a lot of people pleasing and social anxiety issues and I just don't do conflict. I would rather shove myself into a box while breaking all of my bones than communicate that a behavior is hurting me and that I want it to stop. But every once in a while I'll put on my big boy pants and be brave about it. Usually in relation to issues of racism and queerphobia. So I'll call out my parents for being transphobic or closeminded, but I try to do it in a respectful and civil way. I don't try and tell them they're wrong about these things, I just try and get them to realize that there is no logical backing for their views.

So this all started with the Barbie movie (really it started with the "Disney selling out to woke leftists" but whatever). My mom was saying that she didn't want to watch it because men were presented as stupid so women could be shown as powerful. Me and my sibling kind of pushed back, because that is not the messaging of the Barbie movie and then it just devolved from there. (my mom has a habit of either misunderstanding or flat out refuting basic arguments that we then have to focus on so she can understand the full picture for the main argument, which is how this conversation got so crazy) We tried to explain the objectification of women in media (specifically how women are often not used as full thought-out characters but as tools to further the plot for the men in the movie) and used an example from one of her favorite movies. In it the main dude married this hot successful woman and we were trying to explain that her function in the plot of the movie was to make the main character look successful to other men. She could not comprehend this idea and insisted that since she did not watch the movie that way, that just wasn't true. (And of course, there is something to be said for death of the author and interpreting characters how you want to, but that doesn't erase the objective analytical perspective of character purpose and the near constant objectification of women in media.) This then turned into us trying to explain what objectification even is, because yes "ugly" women can and are objectified too. Objectification is viewing a person as an object, something that all AFAB face to some degree because vagina=sex=object (valuable or not) in our society. Then we had to explain that yes, society is a thing that influences everybody. She genuinely was fighting the idea that there is a societal standard of beauty. I had to explain that personal attraction is different than perception of beauty. You are not physically or emotionally attracted to everyone you find beautiful. There is appreciation, aesthetic attraction, and socially informed views of beauty. And then we came to the fact that everyone is socialized by our SOCIETY and that gives them biases and teaches them behaviors. Seems simple right? Apprently not.

She kept insisting that society did not influence her opinions, ever, and they are all her own, and she has no biases at all. She would admit that everyone else was influenced by their family and therefore had biases and would make assumptions about people, but not her. No, she's special. She doesn't judge people by their appearance, ever. This became a fight over the fact that human brains operate a certain way and that the way process information, especially visual information, is inherently tied to making assumptions about people based on our social knowledge. I kept bringing up like scientific facts about how the brain works, and she was so insistent that it didn't matter. She literally asked me if I took away science, what is my argument here? Like punk? Why is science not a good argument? Why can't I reference peer reviewed studies and anatomical features? Why doesn't that count? But you get to just be like "I believe that my brain doesn't do that"? What? But then she'd make claims about how the brain changes as you grow, like synapses can change, and that means she just grew out of making assumptions about people. Which 1) is a SCIENCE BASED ARGUMENT 2) true in the sense that your neural network can grow, decay, and change based off of how you use it but not true in the sense that you can change the way you process information. I tried using the analysis of your cells can regenerate, but you can't regrow an arm (after a certain point of development in the womb) to show that yes, one fact may be true but it doesn't mean you can take that fact to the extreme. AND THEN....SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDNT KNOW IF CELLS REGENERATE OR NOT. SHE'S A TEACHER. FOR SOMEONE WHO SEEMS TO FALL INTO THE "BASIC BIOLOGY" GROUP YOU SURE DON'T KNOW BASIC BIOLOGY. BUT SHE DOESN'T TEACH BIOLOGY. SO WHY SHOULD SHE KNOW BASIC HUMAN FUNCTIONS. She also refuted the idea of subconscious informing your actions in a way that wasn't just telling your consciousness "that person is ugly", which is not how subconsciouses work at all, but she wouldn't believe me.

She just kept insisting that she was the exception, and that her brain doesn't do that. (Side note, when she said everything has exceptions, I asked her if every functioning human had a brain, are there any exceptions to that, she said yes as far she knew but she didn't learn anatomy in school. Incredulous, we asked if she had ever been told in school that she had a brain. She said no. We asked how she knew she had one then. She said God told her. After some more pushing and prodding, it was like pulling teeth, she finally admitted that she did in fact learn about brains in 9th grade science. Which was where? SCHOOL, SO YES SCHOOL AND SCIENCE TAUGHT YOU THAT YOU HAVE A BRAIN, SO WHY DID YOU SAY NO??????????) And obviously, I don't believe her, because once again that is literally how brains work, and she refuses to believe me because how dare science inform my world views.

It's like she thinks I'm being brainwashed because I use science and my education to inform my views and beliefs. I don't just trust that my brain made a totally great decision for itself independent of any influence and nothing else matters.

UUUUGUUGUGUUGHGGUHGUGHUGHUGUHUHGHHGHHGHGHGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHUHUHHHHFHHHHHHH

I also made her cry because I was trying to explain that growing up in a racist household isn't always being explicitly told that "black people are bad", so I brought up an example of a conversation that happened like 3 years ago in our house which was just a butt ton of microaggressions, and she immediately was like "I don't remember this conversation, I wouldn't have agreed with that stuff." and then after insisting that she certainly didn't refute the stuff my dad was saying and that the conversation did in fact happen (note that I was not calling her racist, I made it clear that this was a conversation that happened awhile ago, and it was just an example that I know she was witness to of a racist conversation not being explicitly about how people of color are bad) and she lost her mind, crying about how if I knew the way dad had treated her and the way she really felt then I wouldn't dare bring this up and that she never agreed with his views on "black people and gay people" and clearly I don't know her as well as I think I do. Which I understand to an extent, I understand that my dad is not a great person for a lot of reasons, and that my mom does not fully agree with him. And I truly hadn't meant to accuse her of racism in that moment. So I apologized for bringing up a sensitive topic and explained why I had. Then we just got right back into it. (She also admitted that she had wanted and implied that she still did want a divorce.)

She probably thinks that I hate her and that I think she's an idiot. She also probably thinks I've been brainwashed by society and that I've been lost to the woke leftists. I'm so excited to leave in a couple of weeks. I'm only home right now for the summer, and I go back to college soon. As soon as I'm gone, I'm going to shave my head and try to forget about all this crap. I just don't know how to act right now. I'm not going to apologize for insisting that she's wrong, cause she is. And I know she won't apologize cause she thinks she's right. I probably should apologize for getting so upset, but I was careful not to say anything insulting or offensive that wasn't just a scientific truth, so I really don't want to apologize for anything. But my family has an absolutely horrible dynamic. Us kids were always forced to apologize to each other and say "it's okay", so know we just don't. I've apologized a couple of times to my youngest brother because there have been times where I've lost my temper and genuinely been in the wrong, but when I get into tiffs with most of my other siblings we just get over it. Which probably isn't healthy, but whatever. I just want to leave and be done with it.

I'm probably not coming home next summer and then I'll be graduating. It's too expensive for me to come back home for smaller breaks, so unless my parents will pay for it, this is probably the last time I'll be home. And I can't wait to get out. I hate being an adult and having to make these decisions for myself and having to get a job and all of that stuff, but I'd take it any day over sitting here in my house listening to my dad rant bigoted crap and my mom make everything about her. I can't wait to get away from the disgusting bathroom no one ever cleans, and the horrific way people clean dishes, and the broken a/c, and the camera in the living room, and the fact that there's animal hair everywhere which gives me a head ache, and the carpets are all disgusting from years of having animals poop and pee and puke all over without getting properly cleaned, and I can't even use the shower because its all so gross, and it's hot here, and there are so many bugs, and I'm allergic to everything, and the only friends I have here are old friends that I kind of stopped caring about years ago, but I still have to act like I want to see them whenever I come back, and I'm just so sick of this place.

Alright, I've been looking at all the queer crap, so Imma rant about that today. (I also accidentally reblogged a Nimona post on here instead trashlikesmedia so oops, but you can see where I started.)

Labels suck but I need them so there. I consider myself asexual, I came to this conclusion last summer. I've never been in a relationship, never really had any crushes. I always joked about how I had a crush on this guy in like 3rd grade and he liked my best friend (who I didn't actually like but that's a different story), and I've never loved since, but like it's true. I haven't. I always had this idea that I just hadn't met someone worth crushing on. I would ask people how they got into relationships and they'd always be like "just be yourself, one day the right guy will come along and it'll all work out" which was not helpful at all. My younger sibling is queer and they kind of introduced me to a lot of different identities and ideas, and it just kind of grew from there. It all started with me acknowledging the fact that I didn't want to sleep with women, and I felt the same way about women as I do about men, so I'm bi? pan? ace? It took a while to get comfortable with it, but now I'm here confidently ace.

Then the romantic side of things got tough. I've been on exactly one date (it was terrible, I did not like the guy and he did not put in a lot of effort and it was so uncomfortable), and I've only ever really had one crush on a guy and it was such a weird experience, that I couldn't figure out what was going on. (that was actually last summer and part of me realizing I was ace was being excited to hang out and talk with him but physically recoiling when I even thought about kissing him), so romance was not my thing. I do identify as aromantic, because it's the label that most closely matches my feelings and experiences, but I still feel like it's not right. I don't know if it's because I genuinely am alloromantic, or because I so desperately crave romance.

The big deal of it all is that I grew up in a not great family environment. My parents hate each other, especially my mom to my dad. They have been outwardly antagonistic towards each other for as long as I can remember. (I think the only reason they haven't gotten divorced is because it would be too expensive and my mom doesn't want to lose my dad's paycheck.) That contrasted really sharply with all the romance I would read about and see in movies and stuff. I'm a big reader and I have always loved romance. So I grew up with this reality of a terrible relationship and a fantasy of a perfect romance. I constantly worried that I would either settle for a terrible relationship because I thought that was realistic or end up alone because nothing matched my standards. Now, I don't know if my aromantic feelings are just because I'm scared of relationships and all of that nonsense or if I'm just genuinely not attracted to people. It keeps me up at night. At the end of the day, I just vibe and hope that everything works out.

In regards to gender, boy howdy do I have feelings. Cause like, gender isn't real, it's a social and cultural concept that people cling to because they like order. This is not invalidating trans people, gender and body dysmorphia is a very real thing and associating your identity, experiences, and sense of self with a gender and/or sex is normal, whether it aligns with your gender assigned at birth or not. My sentiment is more about the way society views gender as 1) a binary that aligns perfectly with sex and 2) an inflexible and constant pillar of identity that comes before any other identifiers. This is where I got beef. At the end of the day, your personal experience of gender is just that, personal. It's a part of who you are, but it's also influenced heavily by the way society views gender and gender norms, that's inevitable. My personal feelings are just complicated. I identify as a woman and use she/her pronouns because it's easy, not because I feel particularly aligned with the female gender. I'm not uncomfortable being perceived as a woman, but I also just don't care. Gender just isn't something that I consider important to my identity. I am me, I love these things, I do these things, these are my opinions. Y'know? (It probably doesn't help that my sense of self is also just wack, but whatever.) Something that I am uncomfortable with is being viewed as a woman before being viewed as a person. I have always called myself an actor, not an actress. Cause what's an actor? Someone who acts. What's an actress? A woman who acts. Why should part of my identifier clarify that I am a woman? That just doesn't make any sense to me. This view is rooted in my feminist ideals as well, as I've always been an advocate of getting rid of gendered job titles, seeing as the masculine form is almost always the default. However, I can't help but correlate the feelings. I just want to be a person, not a woman. Most of my hesitation in reaching out to and looking into the genderqueer community is just imposter syndrome probably. I don't care about being a woman, I don't feel gender dysphoria, people on the street probably aren't going to hate crime me for not aligning myself with a binary gender, so why should I try to claim any of this. Maybe it's just me making up excuses and pretending to be queer so I can feel cool or special. Maybe all the queerphobes are right and I am pretending to aroace and nonbinary so I can fit in with all the cool kids without actually having to date a woman and transition. I know that's a messed up view. Everyone's experience with gender and sexuality is extremely unique and no one will fit into a single box. I'm allowed to have these feelings without hating myself. It's just hard and scary. But c'est la vie.

On a lighter note, I love the asexual pride flag, it's so pretty, and I love the aromantic pride flag, it is also very pretty. But the aroace flag isn't that great. The colors just don't itch my brain the way the asexual and aromantic flags do individually y'know?

Long post, but I got's lots of feelings. I'm sure I'll make a bunch of posts about queerness, it do be a thing, but this was a good way to get my base feelings just out there.

and then they adopted each other and lived happily ever after, the end (HA)

so yeah, go watch Nimona, it's great

My school's theatre program holds an end-of-year gala and the seniors can film little goodbye videos and we all watch them and it's really cute and stuff. Last year somebody said (and I am paraphrasing)

"When I first came to this school I was blonde, Mormon, and sad; Now I'm not blonde, not Mormon, and gay in more ways then one."

And that really spoke to me.

I'm making this post so I can rant in the tags, it feels safer, like no one will see it, but I'm still screaming into the void y'know?

I hate making usernames and picking profile pictures and stuff, letrashbag is what I chose for a random account one time and I reused it here, but I just made a tiktok account (strictly because I wanted to be able to search videos) and I just used a random quote (not even a funny one) from a youtube video for my username. For pictures I always just put whatever non-identifying pictures I have available on my computer. An art assignment is my profile pic, my header image thing is a photo I took of a mountain for a geology assignment, on my Batman blog the profile is a diagram for that same geology class. For tiktok my picture is a graph of average teacher wages by state that I had saved for a presentation in my communications class. Even my computer's background is a random diagram. It's just easier to throw whatever I have lying around up.

To be a bit serious, it's because I feel so much pressure (imaginary or otherwise) to make my identifying images and names something meaningful and cool and not-cringe, and I'm just not capable of that, so if I take my hands off of it and just put whatever, then that pressure isn't really there anymore. It's reflective of my control issues for sure. If I have control over something I need full control and it needs to be perfect, but if I don't have control then it is what it is, no use stressing about it.

It does make for some funny conversations though. My phone's screen is a picture of a picture or a picture of Alex Hirsch holding a chicken. I found it on my computer forever ago and just took a picture of the screen with my phone, and then when I got a new phone I took a picture of my screen, so you can see the camera and stuff of my old phone, and now it's just going to slowly get more and more removed from the original picture and I find that amusing.

And so it begins

After disappearing, I have decided on a decision. Tumblr be wack, and if I try to use it the way people use social media I will never be fulfilled. I have too much social anxiety to socially do anything, so this will no longer be anything, it will rather be nothing. I shall have my main blog, where I will speak into the universe and do whatever I please, if I want to make 15 posts one after the other, then I will. If I want to deeply express my trauma then I shall. If I want to post all of my forgotten drafts of music lyrics then I can. It will strictly be to document things for myself and to scream into the void. I will also try to make side blogs for whatever interests I have and collect posts that way as well, but I'm probably going to treat it the way I treat pinterest, so I'm sure it will be wild. I am here to shriek obscenities into the void since I cannot unleash them upon mortals, not for validation (a mantra I shall repeat endlessly)

“i liked it before it was cool” well i liked it AFTER it was cool when everyone abandoned it

Carrie: What’s that story where they bring the monster to life and then have to destroy it?

Jason: Frankenstein.

Dick: Frosty the Snowman.

So like, what’s the point of bots? What do they do? What are they for? I just have like 20 robots that look like pretty ladies that are watching what I post? I have attracted more as I have been kind of inactive for some time, so they can’t be feeding off of my creative juices as I bare my soul to the void. So what is it they want? What is their ultimate goal?