God isn't real and you aren't either

I never shame people for religion, I just use this little blog to speak my opinions. I doubt my blog will ever get traction because my opinions are so against everything we've been taught, but that doesn't matter too much.

The way I see it, this is just a way to speak my mind without getting in loads of arguments over nothing.

As for the title, sure, atomically and physically you exist, but does your conscience even matter? Is there any meaning to having our own thoughts and feelings? Why do we all exist, to destroy the planet? To eat micro-plastics? To kill all other species and plants just to taste them and decide which the best?

Humans have zero meaning to me, humans, human emotion, the food we eat, everything.... nothing matters.

...

but I will do anything to make my family happy. I won't let them know my true feelings because I know they are subject to their own feelings, and if I ever caused sadness to them, it would only further my misery... especially because it's so easily kept a secret.

I rant on these blog posts because I have no one else to rant to. A therapist will just put me on medication and my family will only frown at me.

Maybe the fellow tumblr people will understand my posts, do you, does anyone else feel this way?

Nothing matters except how others feel. Is that just my form of fucked up nihilism? I don't care about anything but I'm in such misery and the only thing I do care about it making sure I don't inflict misery on others...

Again, I'm in my room typing a new post with zero draft.

This post it about school.

Lately I've been wishing I could go to school and get smarter, learn about physics and learn why matter and energy work the ways they do, but I barely scraped by in high school, there's no way I could survive in a college, university, or anything else.

School, in my opinion, is just a place where a bunch of teachers tell you a bunch of random things and you have to write it down and remember it for the test, the exam, the finals. You have to remember everything like one big game of memory, and once you graduate, you're allowed to forget it all. School isn't made for smart people, it's made for people to sit still, listen, and remember. Teachers don't care about students learning, they care about money and pleasing the government.

Anyway, this was all just my opinion. I'll probably write more later.

Religious people won't want to hear this theory

In my opinion, religion only exists in the minds of hopeless people. People follow a religion because they don't understand a lot about the world so they pin it to a god. Religion is how people cope with life. Don't know how the earth was made? God did it. Struggling with finances? Pray to God. You have depression? No worries, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. I've heard it all. I don't believe any of this, though. Religion is made up by humans in order for them to exist easier, they are too smart to dismiss questions such as "how was earth created?" But not smart enough to wrap their heads around why it actually was, so they made up gods in order to cope.

I'd fallen into religion myself as well, I was raised to believed that God created people, he created life and created earth, that he loved everyone but also wanted to 'restart' the world with a massive flood and use two of each animal to create incest babies to repopulate. I was taught that God loved everyone but sent gay people to the worst imaginable place, just because they liked the same sex. If you think about it, God isn't a hero, a saint, an angel. God is fraud.

In my opinion, religion was created to help hopeless people gather hope, feel like they have guidance, and to 'answer' unanswered questions. It was created to help people wrap their small heads around why we exist without needing to put much of their own thought into it.

Everything in the world makes sense until it doesn't

To everyone who accepts everything as it is, I envy you. I wish I had the ability to accept the way life is, to accept things as they are, even when I don't understand them.

I have the curse of overthinking, not overthinking the depressing shit like relationships and depression and how much I hate myself, but things that literally don't affect my life in any way but still bother me to not understand. I think about the way the water moves, how it reacts to obstacles, how it moves around the fellow atoms in the water so seamlessly, leading me to wonder how atoms in liquids behave and react to each other. It's torture, to me, worrying about the things that don't matter.

I'd stare at the rain and look at the droplets, trying to figure out the way the water split into even smaller drops as it spread around itself. Then, I'd lay in my bed for hours, unable to sleep, trying to go over each frame in my head of how a water droplet deforms and spreads around itself, so quickly and effortlessly.

While everyone around me has conversation, trying to figure out the real problems in their lives, I overthink about matter and how it moves, how the atoms in liquids move with and around each other.

I'm not smart, I don't in the slightest understand physics, and it tortures me the fact I don't understand things like this. It makes my life hell when my brain chooses to focus on the way things work, my brain breaks down every slight movement trying to figure out how they would work or function. No one around me seems to stress about these things, they just look at the rain and ignore it, or enjoy it, even. They are able to push aside the logistics of meaningless happenings while I stay up at night thinking of them.

Nothing matters until it matters, right?

Nihilism. Nothing in life matters. For a while, I believed that too. Then I began asking myself these questions: why do I care about anything? Why do I love things? Why do I care about my relationships with my family? Why does it matter if my food tastes good? If I truly think nothing matters, why do I still follow my morals? Why am I nice to people, care about them, and treat them well?

In my opinion, things matter, but matter doesn't matter. In my opinion, things like emotional bonds matter, because the people around me have just as much sentience as I do, meaning they are subject to feeling the same amount of misery and pain as I do. Though, counterproductive to my claim, everything that exists doesn't matter. "Matter doesn't matter."

If half of the world were to disappear, disregarding the logistics, if half of every creature with sentience were to stop existing entirely, that would be a terrible, terrible occurrence, one filled with heartbreak and despair. Though, if the whole world were to disappear, all at once, I'd be okay with that.

I hate the idea of making other people sad, though, I believe that life doesn't matter, it doesn't have meaning, it doesn't hold any purpose. Sure, some people hold themselves to their own declared purpose, they help others, they keep people safe or reproduce, they can help save the environment and keep the earth clean, but all in all, it doesn't matter.

Looking at it from my perspective, it's one sad, small, little life, helping another. It doesn't matter if you help someone up after a fall, but you'll probably do it anyways. It doesn't matter if you say "bless you" after a sneeze, but, for some reason, people do it. All people really care about is connection. The connection you have with family, your friends, your pets, that's what matters to the emotional side of sentience.

But....

it doesn't actually matter.

none of it does.