Having an uncommon health problem in America can mean many (not great) things. In my case, it means waiting what feels like an eternity to get test results, then waiting longer for someone to call with an expert analysis on said results as well as guidance for the next step. Then it's realizing that you have to travel to see a specialist because there isn't one in your town, but not in the immediate future because there's a waitlist. You wonder how much that will cost, since surely it's not covered by insurance. In the meantime, your anxiety tells you that it's actually the worst case scenario so you worry that it is because there's no one to tell you otherwise.

It would be nice if there was a professional, probably a social worker or some other mental health specialist, whose job was to bring you in for occasional appointments while you're waiting to take that next step and listen to your heart reassuringly with a stethoscope that has soft, soothing colors. This person could tell you relaxation techniques and tell you that everything is going to be ok while telling you how good your heart sounds. I guess that could be misleading, though. What if everything isn't going to be ok?

last book read + last stethoscope used, part 26

If you've been following, you know I've been wanting to get my hands on a good teaching stethoscope. Well, I ran across this gently-used Littmann Classic II SE scope on ebay, and it's doing the trick! Recently finished Bugsy and Other Stories by Rafael Frumkin and it's a five-star read, easily. Every story is a different exploration of neurodivergence, in the form of autism, depression, schizophrenia, and ways less easily categorized. They all broke my heart in different ways. Love everything about this author's style and can't wait to read more from them.

<3

Many of today's heart thoughts center around T'Rina and Saru. What a lovely couple; I can't get enough of them. It's Discovery's last season, so we never will get enough of them. I need a scene wherein they explore each other's hearts. In T'Rina's case, hers would be lower than a human's--under her right lung. In the case of Saru, I have no idea. I could be wrong but I don't think that part of their anatomy is ever addressed in the franchise. Do they have an audible heartbeat? Would love to see these two finding out about their differences and celebrating them with a listening session.

this was so CUTE and PLAYFUL and i am having several small strokes about it 😭

How I feel seeing this:

No sex, just admiration and adulation lol Also, maybe some auscultation.

Angel Reese

I can try, but I already have this blog so I think I've earned entry to the VIP section of the weird club 😆

You need to become weirder. You need to unstitch yourself from societies stupid rules. You need to be unashamedly yourself.

I really thought I was too old for this

Too old to meet someone who would think listening with my stethoscopes was "cool." Too old to meet someone who would say I could listen to them anytime. It was easier as a kid, as a teen, and as a 20-something, but I'm still not too old. Haven't been this thrilled about being wrong in a long time.

Seeing people's videos of those Eko Core 500 digital stethoscopes is making me want one a lot. I still feel like it wouldn't *feel* right because the chest piece isn't a circle, but to have heart rate and EKG displayed would be swoon-worthy. Maybe one of these days I'll shell out that cash. Maybe when they release one with a pretty pink marble or gingham design on the tubing or something lol

last book read + last stethoscope used, part 25

My MDF starry night procardial titanium scope is here with Zaina Arafat's novel You Exist Too Much. What a title. But about the MDF--he had the honor of accompanying me on a short road trip last week to be used by someone other than the same two people who use him all the time. Happy for him, even happier for me! Ecstatic, actually!

The book has mixed reviews on Goodreads but I really enjoyed it. It's a semi-autobiographical story of a Palestinian American woman who flits from relationship to relationship, desperately searching for the sense of belonging that eludes her and her family--especially her parents, who grew up under military occupation and were cruelly thrown out of their home. Her mother is emotionally-manipulative and despite multiple attempts at honest conversation on the matter, is unlikely to accept her daughter's bisexuality. This is the narrator's story of learning to be kinder to herself as she makes (many of the same) harmful mistakes, and to be forgiving of those around her. I think readers wanted a neat ending full of epiphanies and a resolution to the protagonist's struggles and self-defeating behavior, but that's a tall order. A timely read and an important perspective, considering what is happening to the Palestinians right now.

Free Palestine.

This photo by the_mckain_cats reposted on MDF Instruments' IG is really making me want to buy a cat stethoscope for my cats (but really for me of course).

drag queens and teaching stethoscopes, part 2

Because my last post was so negative and because I so enjoyed writing this post (even if no one enjoyed reading it), I'm going to continue with my silly fantasy of being listened to by drag queens with a teaching stethoscope featuring 4 binaurals because what a wonderful thing to imagine.

So here are four more drag queens with whom I would love to participate in auscultation.

Bianca Del Rio

Ok yes--I lied. It's only three new queens because I chose Bianca last time. Because I can't not feature her on this list. Also, I gave in and bought meet and greet tickets to her show so I will get a chance to meet her and imagine this extremely improbable scenario. I might be speechless. I might start crying. I might overshare. Who knows. It's fucking Bianca Del Rio.

Sapphira Cristál

There are so many gifs showing off her beautiful face but I just love this runway so I chose it to represent her here. Does anyone who's reading this watch Drag Race? She's on the current season. She gave Plasma this wonderful hug in the last episode and I was getting those maternal sorta vibes from her before that but now I keep wanting her hugs, in or outta drag--idc.

Raja

I was a late bloomer--it took me far too long to fall in love with Raja. Maybe I wasn't prepared for the extent of her shadiness in season 3. Something happened when I saw her as a guest on Pangina Heels' show Tongue Thai'd. Her recent runways are the weirdest paradox to me--like she took Lucius Malfoy and turned him into Mary Poppins. Difficult to explain. I'm just convinced Sutan and Raja would be fantastic auscultators (auscultaters?).

Tia Kofi

No words. I need her dry AF humor and that voice! I could listen to her read the most boring audiobook ever. Anything. We all need commentary on our heart sounds delivered specifically with that accent, I'm convinced. If you don't think you need that, you're just not being honest with yourself--idk what to tell you.

It's...something how people will say that [insert title here] is the book/series/movie that got them interested in the "darker" side of cardiophilia and that same media will be on my list of things I once watched/read but can't handle thinking about again without panicking or having nightmares.

last book read + last stethoscope used, part 24

It's my green and gold MDF with James Baldwin's Giovanni's Room. What did I expect from this short but difficult read? I'm not sure, but I know what I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting something like The Great Gatsby, but with far less glamour and wealth and somehow more misery. I wasn't expecting to learn that the guillotine was still used as a means of execution in France until capital punishment was abolished there in 1981. What a heinous thing to imagine in such recent history (or at all, tbh). I didn't expect to dislike the characters so much yet still be able to feel so sympathetic toward them (same as I felt reading Gatsby). I didn't expect to read so much misogyny and internalized homophobia that's never truly corrected with these characters. None of this is easy to digest (and was never meant to be), but I'm glad I read it. In 1980, Baldwin said the book is "not so much about homosexuality, it is what happens if you are so afraid that you finally cannot love anybody." (from the introduction by Colm Toibin)

ace musings

Ace cardiophiles...and aces in general...do you find that your feelings toward the idea of sex are ever-changing? I can go from feeling like it's the most repulsive idea known to man (it clearly isn't) and wonder why in the name of all that is holy that anyone would voluntarily do such a thing to thinking "meh, I guess it has its place and in theory could be enjoyable" in less than a day. I can go from feeling nauseous at the sight of sexual imagery involving stethoscopes and needing to step away from the internet to thinking I mean stethoscopes are one of the greatest inventions ever, so why wouldn't people want to get as much enjoyment out of them as they can?

I think there have been a few polls on AVEN that have asked "Are you a sex-repulsed, sex-averse, sex-indifferent, or sex-positive asexual?" My answer is just "yes," I suppose.

Representation matters and all that but I really wish people wouldn't celebrate or romanticize that stethoscope scene in Colleen Hoover's It Ends with us because, IMO, context matters...maybe more? Any positives one could take from it are canceled out by the person using the stethoscope being an abuser.  In fact, to me, the way he uses the stethoscope with the protagonist is more about control and ownership and an unhealthy attachment than anything else.  I can't look at the pros of this sort of "representation"--in my mind, it's more harmful than anything else.  I guess some would argue that any representation at all brings visibility to something under the radar.  I'm just not there.

I wish literature had more scenes to point to in general, not involving such problematic characters.  I really want to see stethoscopes used in a soothing, healing context.  I want to read about a friend who comforts another friend dealing with stress, grief, or some other kind of hardship by listening to their heart lovingly and reassuringly. 💙

I feel like I wrote this. 🩺

I’m feeling a bit sick and my heart is definitely racing a bit. I wish there was a girl/enby with me helping me relax and comforting me while listening to my heart and making sure she’s okay