What Happened to America?

I, for one, believe in this country. I’m an American and I believe in the USA. But many people don’t, folks. Now, you would believe that other Americans such as yourselves would love this country as much as you and I do but in reality they don’t. You know exactly who I’m talking about right? Members of the radical left-who spread their ideology through drag show storytimes and critical race theory-hate this country and all that it stands for are trying to destroy the moral decency that upstanding citizens such as you and I stand for. These freaks want to tell us what we can or can’t do in order to protect our children. I don’t want my children seeing some freakishly dressed gay man with half his body exposed and giant fake breasts to read them a story in the library. I want my children to grow up in a country with morals. As many people would tell you, you really can’t say anything anymore. These PC-Police have made anything and everything difficult. Saying that I loved our previous president may get you strange looks from the dyed hair homosexuals that are infesting our neighborhoods. Why is that? I can’t say anything anymore, I truly can’t. While talking with my coworkers I have to be careful not to overstep boundaries? Why is that? Now, you might say to yourself, “Well Tucker, I hired the receptionist and I pay her so she can pay her rent and survive. I’m keeping that tight-bodied, barely legal, piece of hot ass afloat with this job I so graciously provided her. Why can’t I ask her to come into my office and be standing in the middle of the room, wearing nothing but a sock on my penis while I gyrate my hips in order to make the loose end of the sock flop around like a windmill?” And guess what? There isn’t any good reason why you can’t do that. You have to tip-toe around every situation in order not to offend anyone. Why can’t you do that? Well, they just say you can’t. “You’re making people uncomfortable.” Sure. Fat chance, ladies and gentleman. And while they try to restrict our freedom of speech and expression by limiting what we aren’t able to subject our incredibly sexy and almost pubescent looking, freshly 18 year old receptionist to, they will go ahead and tell us it is wrong to ask that they don’t peacefully read a story in the library. It’s a sick and disgusting double standard and I believe we need to do something to stop this insanity.

I Will Be Policing You

How to Eat a Lot of Food and Still Feel Great

I love food. I absolutely love it!

Contrary to what you might think, the key to staying thin and beautiful is actually to eat more food and not less.

I know, it seems crazy, but it isn’t the more you think about it!

Essentially what is going on in your body is like, a ton of workers and they are trying to work so that your body, the machine, can function. But if these workers aren’t fed then they can’t work as well and make the machine function as well as it should. So you have to make sure the body can have enough fuel so all the little workers can do their job.

We live in a time where the minimum wage is going up and that is a good thing. So raise the minimum wage of your little workers!

My day to day diet is pretty consistent but I really try to make it a good eating experience every time.

I will start the day with a cup of black coffee so my body can have some energy, I then will get on a treadmill and walk for an hour at the highest incline option.

While I work on staying fit and healthy, my maids will be preparing my breakfast.

My sweet, sweet, maid will work all through the night to prepare a fresh bone broth for me in the morning. She’s my maid but she also does some cooking which is really nice of her considering we don’t really pay her nearly as much as we pay my personal chef but she still does it. I think she is afraid of losing her job or something but she makes quite a good broth.

Calories are important! To make sure that my body can keep up with the vigorous amounts of work I’m doing I try to consume as many as 200 calories a day!

After my breakfast of a cup of bone broth and a cup of coffee I will start working. I can browse Twitter for hours and after a while, you get pretty hungry! Working on creating a good image for yourself on the internet can be tiring, so by lunchtime my tummy starts telling me it needs more food.

Lunch is a big bowl of my favorite smoothie! I take water and ice and I blend them with a little bit of xanthan gum for thickening and some extra nutrients. I can eat this smoothie bowl all day. It is absolutely to die for!

I get a lot of compliments on my body and it makes me so happy but I just need all the girls of the world to know you really have to take care of yourself to look this good. Like I said before, it’s eating food that keeps you healthy, not avoiding it.

After I’m done with my remaining work I like to go for a little run. It’s just a nice activity to clear my mind. I will run around my property for about 45 minutes or until the joints in my elbows start to hurt.

I may sit on the couch and watch some TV for a little bit before my personal chef makes me dinner: Chocolate coconut macaroon french toast! I have a bit of a sweet tooth so this is just the perfect way to end my night, dinner and desert all in one!

You may be asking yourself how a woman like me can even manage to eat all this and y’know what, it’s just part of my life. After a while your stomach makes room to accommodate your diet so eating all this good food really just makes me feel good and I don’t even notice how full I am. I’m a growing girl and I need my fuel. Thanks GQ for taking some time and allowing me to talk about my wonderful meals of the day!

you’re a fucking faggot

I’m glad you support my writing <3

White Boy Street Survivor

Nawwww, you know what it do. Yeah bruh don’ be pressin’ me on my shit breh yarredy know what the fuck I got on. Shieeet, just copped this new piece last week from the jewelry display at Khol’s awwww yeah. I grinded all month sellin’ fake addies to kids who’s parents made ‘em play piano and violin ‘n shit. Yup, I grabbed my stack and went down there. Said, “Bitch gimme yo finest chain, I’m tryna be blessed up right neow.” So I got this bitch right here, sum’n light. I can’t be wearing it too much tho which sucks because I’m tryna let the hoes know what’s up but it makes my skin a lil green and irritated after like 45 minutes, so that’s kinda bummin’ me out. But we up tho. Lowkey been needing something to cheer me up like lowkey ya boy been goin through it, type shit. Like my therapist says that like, I got GAD and allat so ion really know what that shit means but like apparently it comes from the stress of adapting to that private boarding school my parents made me go to. Yeah, breh so lowkey it’s been hard on a motherfucker forreal. Naw and I can’t even be myself around my friends no-more, type shit. They been bitchin’ on me, tal’m ‘bout, “Dude you can’t say the N-word, you’re white and went to the Hotchkiss preperatory school in Salisbury, Connecticut.” talkin’ all this shit about, “You’re whiter than Woody Allen, stop tryna say that shit, it ain’t cool and frankly, it’s incredibly racist and insensitive.” Yeah whatever bruh. On the low, if I can be honest with y’all, I think I’m like destined for greatness but nobody really ever believed in me. Like, I really ain’t come from nothin. Like before this shit I’m doin right now I had to like, grind bro. I was forced to work to survive, like my dad made me take this job at his work and I only got paid like 40 dollars an hour so I had to quit, type shit. Told my old man, “Pops, I ain’t tryna do this shit. Why do I wanna learn how to manage your software company, I’m a creative, I needa do my own shit.” He ain’t see the vision. Yeah, like, nobody in my life supported me or nothin’ but at least I got this new shit from the Kohl’s so hey, it’s aight forreal.

Wanna hang out and spend the night later?

I just got Arkham Asylum at RedBox and my mom said we can get Shasta Tiki Punch

What’s that? Me? Have a sleepover? With you? No way dude. Yeah, not happening. Dude, last time I had a sleepover with you, you gave me the spit pillow. You gave me the pillow that had dried spit on it and it smelled weird. Dude are you fucking crying? I’m sorry dawg but I’m not having a sleepover with you. You’re mom has saggy fuckin’ jugs too. When I’m at Mikey’s house he gives me the good controller so when I go to fucking YY ladder-stall my fucking shit doesn’t skip and fuck my illcam up. His mom’s boobs are awesome too. If Mikey asked me to hang I’d say yeah but that’s because he’s not a pussy. No offense man, but you’re really fucking gay. Like, I’m not homophobic but you’re being super gay right now. Just so you know, I could hear you crying in the bathroom last time I was at your house. I get you were embarrassed that your parents were arguing and you got upset that your dad said he wanted a divorce and he called your mom a stupid cunt but like, that shit was gay as fuck. I’m not having a sleepover with you dude, you set 11 alarms on your iPod and you press snooze instead of stop every single time. When we have to wake up at 8 to go to church because your dad is a faggot and he wants all your little friends to go to that kid diddle church I want to sleep in until the last possible second and I can’t. I can’t because your dumbass alarms keep going off for 45 minutes before we even have to start getting ready. Dude, your parents cook like shit. What the fuck was that when your dad tried making pancakes for breakfast but he added too much egg so it came out like shitty omelettes? And then he gave up and went to Safeway and gave us a lemon-pepper rotisserie chicken but he took all the skin off with the flavor? Why the fuck did he do that? Yeah, I’m not dealing with that again. There is no way we are having a sleepover. I am not staying at your house dude.

Making money is easy if you’re as smart as I am

I can get crazy with 10 bucks. Let me in that casino with 10 bucks I’ll fucking show you what I’m made of. Me? Yeah I can make bank off a tenner. I’m here in my tarp fort, I got a can of beans on the fire and my socks have so many holes that they’re practically fishnets but if I had a tenner I’d make that fucker into bank, baby. I had a girlfriend when I was 11 and she grew tits before all the other girls. If I remembered how to get to her house I bet she’d give me a fucking ten dollar bill. All I need is 10 bucks and 5 minutes. I go straight to the blackjack tables. I take that one hand and I skyrocket myself to the big leagues. I may enter that casino as a dirty homeless man but I would leave a trillionaire. I can count cards. I have been teaching myself. This dude came up to me while I was pushing 40 shopping carts and zip-tying them together like I’m making my own retail human centipede. This guy gives me a sandwich and says god bless. What the fuck do I need a sandwich for? I got my beans at my tarp fort. When I run low on those I get to pretend that I’m a rockstar like Ozzy Osbourne and I find little rats and I eat them, head first, just like Ozzy’s bat. I went on the corner of the Walmart lot and begged for cash for 4 solid hours. I don’t know if these people here are a bunch of stingy, cheap, assholes but I only got a dollar that whole day. I’m close, 9 more and I can get to action. I saw Rain Man once at the library, they didn’t charge me because it was a free screening for everyone. I watched very attentively. I’m something like 87% positive that I can count cards. The only way I’m not winning big is if those natives that own the place can figure out my family actually worked the trail of tears. We were the people who gave you a little bracelet before entering, like how they do it at concerts. If they figure that out then I am screwed. Other than that I’m basically guaranteed to be rich.

Smoking weed can kill you

And 10 other science facts you didn’t know!

I’m standing in the cold across from Cole and he gives me this desperate glare, like a dog begging you to pet them. He worked at a job where he witnessed people dying all day at the hospital. He didn’t have many ways to cope this so all he would do is smoke. This particular day I think he said he had to clean up someone’s shit for about 30 minutes so all he wanted to do after work was hangout and not think about his job. This dude hands me the saddest swisher I have ever seen and in his goofy, half-lisped voice he says, “Dude you’ve got to hit thith.” I don’t know if people with lisps are more prone to pussy lipping the blunt but Cole always did it. We are sitting in the middle of a forest area near the park on the hill and this man offers me a blunt with maybe a 16th in it. We are skimping out on weed and trying to make this shit last even if it means we are smoking more cigar wrap than weed. This blunt was like the breast milk in Grapes of Wrath, I was fiending for this shit like nobodies business and I needed it. Hours before I was crack wiring carts at home and hitting the empty ones so hard that the burned rubber plastic taste was still in my mouth and so fresh in my mind that thinking about it while I looked at the limpiest piece of shit I had ever seen made me full on gag. I grabbed Cole’s welfare weed and this was possibly the spittiest blunt that has ever existed. I still smoked it but still. You need to ingest about 80 gallons of someone’s spit who has AIDS to get infected with HIV and thank god Cole didn’t have that because the amount of saliva on that blunt would have had me dead in 10 weeks if he tested positive. Smoking weed can kill you so next time you share a blunt with a lisp kid, make sure he has tested HIV negative.

Man tips

Essential tips for men and growing boys

1: throw shit at your mom to prove your dominance in your household

2: Be anti-racist. Run as fast as you can to any black person in your neighborhood and thank them for diversifying your town

3: Make sure to shake a woman’s hand and do it as hard as you can. You want her to know you can protect her while still being a gentleman

4: Wearing panties and not telling anybody isn’t gay. It’s gay if you ask me about it and make fun of me when I say I do it

5: Create a worse environment for the terfs of the world, dress up as an old woman and verbally harass trans kids so the world hates terfs even more

6: Shave your legs and color them with paint.

7: Call your dad a racial slur and make him walk the dog. You’re a big boy and you shouldn’t have chores. Be the 27 year old man you are and quit doing chores.

8: If you have a woman over to your house make sure to steal one of her socks and when she tries to kiss you spit it into her mouth after regurgitating it from your secret hiding place

9: women’s deodorant smells better, it’s edible too. Eat it. Go and eat the women’s deodorant.

10: homeless people are plotting against you and your family. Break into their camp and unscrew the wheels off of the shopping carts they stole. Throw the wheels away or hide them in a spot they’d never find them.

11: praise god and love thy neighbor