My Reiki Attunement Ceremony

"When you see the Southern Cross for the first time You understand now why you came this way Cause the truth you might be running from is so small| But it's as big as the promise The promise of a coming day"

Crosby, Stills & Nash - "Southern Cross"

On March 24, 2022 I drove from the house of a friend I was living with at the time to Karen Wilson’s house on Padre Island. I was talking to my husband-then-boyfriend on Google Duo as I drove over the bridge towards Flour Bluff. I felt calm yet vibrated with excitement. As I parked in front of Karen’s house I told Kahlye I loved him and said I’ll call him afterwards. I would be a very different person the next time we talked.

Karen led me into her office and we spoke for a bit before proceeding to her Reiki room. As I laid down on the table she invited any Guides who wished to be present. Immediately the room was full as many Netjeru visibly manifested for me. I impulsively said, “holy crap, there’s a lot of Them!” Karen backpedaled a bit and with a laugh explained that this was a sacred ceremony that required a bit of decorum. I laughed nervously and laid back down as she began working on my Crown.

To the far left I saw Set and Heru-Wer (Horus the Elder). Standing side by side, They looked very much like brothers. Set was cocky and proud, His smile toothy and wide. Heru-Wer was stoic and severe, yet He had a small smile on His beak. To the far right I saw Yinepu (Anubis) and Wepwawet (Upuaut). They have been shamanic guides for me in the past. In the center stood Aset (Isis), Djehuty (Thoth), Sekhmet, Bast, and Mafdet. I was very surprised then to see Aset as I felt estranged from Her husband Asar (Osiris). I assumed She didn’t like me very much. And Mafdet was a surprise as well, for I wasn’t quite sure how She related to me. Shu and Tefnut were in the back against the wall. Geb was the floor below and Nuit was the ceiling above. They were all practically beaming and it felt like a graduation, though it took me a while to begin to understand just what that meant.

As I lay on the table my mind began to wander. Quickly, Djehuty appeared in the forefront of my vision with an admonishing glance. He explained that this was a sacred ceremony and demanded I give it the proper respect it deserved. Sheepishly, I apologized with a glance. Djehuty gave me a very curious look, the knowing sort of look a patient schoolteacher gives the student who apologizes after getting a reprimand for misbehavior, a kind of feigned way of saying, “I’ve got my eye on you.” With a cheeky smile He returned to the rest of the group and I immersed myself back into the experience.

About halfway through I Bast and Sekhmet had stepped forward. Bast held me left hand and Sekhmet my right, each looking down at me with a smile. They soon each put their free hands on my shoulders. Their touch was warm and soft and I saw nothing but love and pride in Their eyes.

As Karen began speaking Light Language at my feet I was immersed in a series of visions. I was shown my room as it was when I was a baby. I had forgotten the off-white color the walls used to be before my dad painted it sky blue. I was on my back in my crib and Aset was leaning over the rails, singing to me. She appeared as the Divine Mother, wearing a flowing white gown with long, flowing black hair and an ample bosom. She wore the Uraeus crown on Her forehead, made of gold inlaid with blue and green stones of rectangular cut.

The scene shifted to the first dark day of my life. My Mom had a cerebral aneurysm a month before my third birthday. As the paramedics took her away, Aset and Her sister, Nebt-Het (Nephthys) had wrapped Their arms around me as Sekhmet and Bast looked on. In Bast I saw love and a twinkle in Her eye. In Sekhmet I saw fierce devotion, a mother lioness determined to protect Her cub.

Again the scene shifted to a few days later. After my dad picked me up from staying with a neighbor, we found a litter of kittens in the side yard. We kept one cat that I named Jimmy and gave the others to family friends. As a grew, I suspected Bast had something to do with it. In that moment, I saw Her speaking to the kittens with that feisty glint in Her eye. I was too young to know it but Jimmy and I needed each other.

Again the scenes shifted, more rapidly. When I was being mischievous or too smart for my own good, Set was there egging me on. When I was writing in the workbooks my Dad made me do before starting preschool (thank you for that, Dad), Djehuty was looking over my work and pointing out corrections. These were affirmations that throughout my entire life They were with me. I was never, ever alone. Even when my higher senses were shut down and during every dark night of the soul, They never left my side. That is why I have the utmost loyalty and respect for the Netjeru.

After the ceremony, Karen laid on the table and had me practice Reiki on her. I could feel it, the energy coursing through my bloodstream. It felt like a miniature River of Light coursing through me, a holographic emanation of the very soul of the Cosmos. Karen told me to relax a bit, to open up my Heart and Crown chakras. I did so and the flow began to surge. I had performed my role as a Reiki Practitioner for the very first time.

I realized something profound at the end. As I got in the car and called Kahlye, I told him everything that happened. And I told him what I had realized; it was so simple, but it had eluded me my entire life. If Reiki is the Light of the Source, the First Energy called Love, and the Source is the Pythagorean Monad, what the Gnostics called the Godhead or what some today call the Divine, the One or the Self, then there is utter truth in the statement “God loves us.” I felt like a lifetime of weight, from my upbringing in Texas to being abused and bullied by those claiming to be devout Christians, just disappeared. In that wonderful Light, their actions didn’t matter. I was given a profound gift that can never be taken away.

Image is a painting in the tomb of Sennedjem, in Thebes, Egypt depicting Yinepu preparing a mummy for burial. The way His hands are placed on the mummy just feels… familiar.

“For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers. I revere them when they live in tribes and families, in forests and groves. And even more I revere them when they stand alone. They are like lonely persons. Not like hermits who have stolen away out of some weakness, but like great, solitary men, like Beethoven and Nietzsche. In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing only: to fulfil themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves. Nothing is holier, nothing is more exemplary than a beautiful, strong tree. When a tree is cut down and reveals its naked death-wound to the sun, one can read its whole history in the luminous, inscribed disk of its trunk: in the rings of its years, its scars, all the struggle, all the suffering, all the sickness, all the happiness and prosperity stand truly written, the narrow years and the luxurious years, the attacks withstood, the storms endured. And every young farmboy knows that the hardest and noblest wood has the narrowest rings, that high on the mountains and in continuing danger the most indestructible, the strongest, the ideal trees grow.

Trees are sanctuaries. Whoever knows how to speak to them, whoever knows how to listen to them, can learn the truth. They do not preach learning and precepts, they preach, undeterred by particulars, the ancient law of life.

A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life. The attempt and the risk that the eternal mother took with me is unique, unique the form and veins of my skin, unique the smallest play of leaves in my branches and the smallest scar on my bark. I was made to form and reveal the eternal in my smallest special detail.

A tree says: My strength is trust. I know nothing about my fathers, I know nothing about the thousand children that every year spring out of me. I live out the secret of my seed to the very end, and I care for nothing else. I trust that God is in me. I trust that my labor is holy. Out of this trust I live.

When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. Let God speak within you, and your thoughts will grow silent. You are anxious because your path leads away from mother and home. But every step and every day lead you back again to the mother. Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all.

A longing to wander tears my heart when I hear trees rustling in the wind at evening. If one listens to them silently for a long time, this longing reveals its kernel, its meaning. It is not so much a matter of escaping from one's suffering, though it may seem to be so. It is a longing for home, for a memory of the mother, for new metaphors for life. It leads home. Every path leads homeward, every step is birth, every step is death, every grave is mother.

So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts: Trees have long thoughts, long-breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.”

Herman Hesse - Bäume: Betrachtungen und Gedichte

Image is of one of the oldest living organisms, a tree colony in Fishlake International Forest, Utah known as Pando.

You Are Never, Ever Alone

I’m going to share something that might be very controversial, but I’ve come to believe it fully. It’s something I heard someone say and I’ll be paraphrasing it to suit the narrative of my audience.

Your gods and ancestors never abandon you. You draw away from them.

I once had a vision during meditation of myself standing in a bluish-white space. Behind me was a legion of one thousand souls standing in phalanx formation. It was communicated that every soul who incarnates on Earth receives the support of one thousand guides. Most often they are ancestors and individuals within our soul group but some are souls that volunteered to support you. It was also conveyed that gods we formed bonds with throughout previous incarnations are part of this support network.

When we are grieving, anxious, afraid, or depressed our connection to Spirit becomes clouded. We are unable to accept the love and compassion of our guides because our awareness is focused intensely on materialism. It is during a dark night of the soul that this deception is at its worst.

Sometimes we receive unexpected grace during a hard day. Things aren't going our way, but an opportunity appears to turn things around. Or perhaps we receive a boon that turns things around for the better. Maybe not enough to change the situation entirely but still enough to make it substantially easier. I found that if we work to remain open to blessings by practicing gratitude in the present moment, we will be better equipped to receive them. Many times, good things come and go because we are too focused on what is happening in the material world, be it wealth, relationships, status, or any other form of stress. It is in letting go of our attachment to needing things to be a certain way that we can truly begin to change our lives.

I cannot speak for other intuitives but I have never been able to truly sense the entirety of guides in my sphere of influence. They tend to make themselves known to me as they need or desire. Perhaps this feeds the miasma. This is where faith comes in. When we fall our desire is to be caught but sometimes that isn’t aligned with our highest good. Our guides are still there, watching and supporting us, but in that moment we have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep going. The journey never ends but we are never, ever alone.

Image is “Spirit Ancestors in Captain Thunderbolt's Territory” by Melani du Jardin

Oh my god holy shit...

Holy shit, I fucking understand the impact the Norse myths have...oh my god, I'm sobbing. 😭

I get it now. Like actually.

“Do you know why your father sprinkles the flax with water when it is laid out in the pit?" “He hasn't told me. Surely it is to clean it?” “Don't you know that in order to make it pure all that can rot in it must rot? That in order to make a durable thread one has to first destroy what otherwise might be corrupted. Of course, one must save the fibers at the right moment, and afterwards one trusts the Sun to burn away what is impure.” “And then it becomes white?” “Not yet; first it is broken and long threads are drawn; and these threads are watered again so that they must rot a little more. In this way everything that is corruptible in them is consumed; and of the purified flax are made those fine linen tissues.” “But how can it become so fine after having been spoiled?” “Nothing has been spoiled in it that was pure; but nothing can be reborn without having undergone the test of having everything corruptible destroyed.”

Isha Schwaller de Lubicz, Her-Bak: The Living Face of Ancient Egypt

Image is a scene from the tomb of Sennedjem depicting the harvest of wheat and flax, Deir el-Medina, Egypt, Ramesside Period (13th to 11th centuries BCE)

Welcome!

Greetings! My name is Joey. I am a 34-year-old Kemetic pagan, occultist, and philosopher. I am setting up a divination, healing, and spiritual coaching practice. I have 20 years of experience working with the Elder Futhark and only recently started to learn to use Tarot and Oracle cards. I have been a shamanic practitioner for 18 years which ties heavily into my divination work. I am clairvoyant, clairaudient, and clairsentient and I have been since I was a child. I am currently a First Degree Reiki Practitioner. I am looking for a local Reiki Master to get my Second Degree certification. I am also working on getting my Akashic Records Guide and Shamanic Healer certifications. The latter is something I've done for most of my life, but I never had the piece of paper that says so. I thank you for stopping by and hope you find what you seek here!

Finding My Oasis

I’ve found the longer I walk this path, the more solitary my practice becomes. About a year ago, I quietly walked away from a group I hoped would be the one. I wanted fellowship among Kemetics, a place to belong. I indeed found fellowship while I was there and he’s since become one of my best friends. For similar reasons, we left this group having taken what we could from it and continued our journeys of healing and self-discovery. This wasn’t the first time this happened to us but it did lead us to the same conclusions. In my friend’s words,

“Okay… I’ve traveled enough. I found my oasis. Time to accept and to trust.”

These days, I’ve found greater reward and comfort in having a small group of cherished friends who walk different paths and offer devotion to different deities than myself. We’ve all been traversing through our deserts in search of an oasis, crossing paths from time to time, sharing and doing what we can for each other before resuming our journey. It is a particular type of comradery. We recognize in one another the same experiences and from that grows a mutual love and respect. I’ve found profound loyalty in such friendships but also loss. We who cross the desert are driven to different horizons.

I’ve found my oasis in the Netjeru and my solitary practice. Little by little, I’m coming to know exactly what I want. The rest, I’ve found, will take care of itself. It’s just a matter of letting go of the reins and embracing the journey.

The Story Behind My "Hymn to Sekhmet"

I was very surprised with how much traction my Hymn to Sekhmet has gotten… so I decided to share the story behind it. This might be quite long, but I think a lot of you would appreciate it.

I have been an eclectic pagan for most of my life. Heathenry was my focus in that sense that I worked with the Vanir and studied runology since I was fifteen. Kemeticism was my passion since childhood, but I was never formally a devotee. I pretty much worked exclusively with Set for most of my life. Our relationship is somewhere between father and son and student and guide. In the summer of 2020, I decided to finally set up a Kemetic altar.

It comprised of three statues and three candles on a small, very old nightstand and was otherwise unadorned. One statue was to Set, another to Bast, and the third to Sekhmet. I focused exclusively on Set and Bast for a while. I was afraid of Sekhmet. I read every book I could find about Her and they nearly all had one thing in common about a Sekhmet-based practice: if you cannot do it yourself, do not ask Her about it. That really intimidated me to the point I took Her statue down several times before it earned a permanent place.

One day in September of 2020 I finally prayed to Sekhmet with an offering of cold water. I felt a circular window of fire about 16 inches in diameter open up in front of my face just above my altar. It felt hot, like the heat of a campfire. I felt that She was looking at me. After a few seconds, the window disappeared. I didn’t interact with Her for a while after that.

In November of 2020, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He was given six months to live and chemotherapy was prescribed. I was immediately thrust into the role of caregiver. I drove my dad to and from chemotherapy, gave him his meds and food, helped him to the bathroom, cleaned him up, and anything else I could do. I was awake for about 22 hours a day for six months, even with the help of a hospice company.

One night, when my dad was on respite (what hospice companies call when a patient is sent to a nursing home for a few days so the caregiver can recover), I felt… really bad. I felt alone, afraid, numb, and lost. Without any offering or formality, I prayed to Bast. I asked Her to just stay with me. I suddenly felt myself wrapped up in a blanket of what felt like bubblegum-pink energy. It felt like stuffed animals, cotton candy, a fuzzy quilt, and just… pure love. I later learned that this describes the higher heart chakra’s energy but to me, it was just Bast. She hugged me like that for about an hour until She decided I was okay, and then, very much like a cat, She left.

The days went on with barely any sleep, a lot of emergencies and scares, until one day my dad was finally asleep. It was around four in the afternoon. I was thinking a lot about Sehkmet at this point and Her domain of healing. It was very near and dear to my heart. At the time I was thinking of going back to school to finish my psychology degree and become a counselor. I took the time to get cold water in a nice glass and some fresh bread I had delivered that morning. I put it all on a golden plate I ordered for my altar.

I prayed to Sekhmet, solemnly and respectfully, naming Her Epithets and offering praise in addition to water and bread. I asked… that She let everything be okay and help me to be a better caregiver to my dad. The sad thing is, I was very hard on myself. I felt like I was not doing enough but I later found out that every nurse and social worker from the hospice company had, individually and separately, reported to the company’s administrator in high praise of me. I didn’t know then that some caregivers are really horrible to the point of neglect and abuse. I was doing the best I could in a situation that was out of my control and was given a level of praise that floored me.

After concluding my prayer, I lay down in my bed next to my altar. I was lying on my side when suddenly Sekhmet’s etheric body manifested beside me. I could feel it and somewhat see it with my third eye. She started to rub my back as I lay there. Her hand felt like the sun’s heat reflected off of water, a sensation I knew well from fishing in summer. It felt almost like fire but one that would never burn me. As She rubbed my back, I felt Her head come next to mine. I felt Her face, soft and bristly, next to my left ear as She began to speak words I couldn’t hear. I could even feel the heat from Her breath.

Unlike Bast, Sekhmet stuck around. She followed me everywhere for the next two days. It hadn’t really sunk in yet but I had received what, for me, was irrefutable proof of the Gods’ love. Set was with me my entire life, my teacher and friend. Bast and Sekhmet creaked open the door to theurgy a little bit more. It wasn’t until my Reiki Attunement ceremony that the door was blown clean off its hinges when over a dozen Netjeru physically manifested. During my Attunement, Bast held my left hand and Sekhmet held my right. By the end of the ceremony, the two were hugging me as I lay on my teacher’s table.

As I began working with the Netjeru in my shamanic practice, Sekhmet communicated something to me. She asked me to offer Her my pain and fear. And so I wrote that hymn on what was proving to be a very hard day.

I can never go back to a world where the Gods do not exist or do not love us completely, irrevocably, and unconditionally. My relationship with the Netjeru is one of mutual loyalty, love, admiration, and service. For all intents and purposes, I am a new Kemetic. I have studied Egyptology since I was seven years old and regarded Kemet as a far-flung home, a feeling that has never left my heart since it ignited there when I was a toddler. But that is a story for another day.

Well… that is my story. I hope it finds you well!

Dua Sekhmet! Dua Netjeru!

Image is “Sekhmet Devotional” by Valoreanthes. A Mother Lioness and Her cub, a side of Sekhmet far too often overlooked.

On Set and Storms

“That's something every islander knows—there's always going to be another hurricane. Another storm. Everything buried will surface again, and everything you thought would last forever will come down eventually. But you rebuild. You dredge. You keep moving, keep adding new. That's how we go on living.”

– Roseanna M. White - “Yesterday's Tides”

“You can dance in the storm. Don't wait for the rain to be over before because it might take too long. You can can do it now. Wherever you are, right now, you can start, right now; this very moment.”

– Israelmore Ayivor

I grew up in South Texas where we were used to hurricanes. To this day, one of the most magical things I’ve ever experienced is standing outside when the eye has passed over me. There is such raw power and majesty to storms. They are terrifying and destructive but can impart great wisdom. As a Kemetic, I find myself closer to Set during storms and actively attempt to listen. Hurricane Harvey was one of the most terrible to hit the Coastal Bend in decades. I prayed to Set in the eye of that storm, before we lost power and I learned what had happened to Houston. I stood outside with arms outstretched, honoring His Sekhem and the Majesty of His natural domain. Suddenly a gust of wind blew an updraft beneath me. I felt validated and listened to. I went back inside and we lost power soon after. The Texas grid didn't get restored for another eight days. I felt Set’s presence in the storm and in the aftermath, destructive and harsh… but encouraging. “You will survive this. You have survived much worse with far less at your disposal.” When I would talk about hurricanes this way people would quickly become upset. They fail to see how a hurricane can be anything but terrible and I beg to differ. Storms disrupt our lives but teach us that we can rebuild. In the moment of impact, are we happy with the destruction? Absolutely not. Loss teaches us what we are capable of living with, as well as what we can live without. Storms are the immune system of the Earth, their purpose being to restore equilibrium on a large scale. Set is the storm that rends the dead bark and branches off of the Holy Sycamore. He does the same for us. By stripping away the excessive and superfluous, Set brings us closer to our inner strength and core values. I’ve often heard Set being associated with the ego but, in my experience, He takes a very active part in facilitating ego death during the Dark Night of the Soul. I’ve experienced this several times and I can safely say when all other guides have stepped away, I am still blanketed in Set’s Presence. He stands nearby, as a silent but distant sentinel. His Presence is enough to let me know I will be okay. Storms have a way of mirroring the Shadow archetype, forcing us to face our demons. We might not know when they will begin or end, but we do know that they are temporary. That disruption is sometimes exactly what we need and the more we fight it, the more we resist the growth that might lead us to the best chapter in life we’ve ever had. Experience has shown me that we can survive far more than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes you have to Embrace Life.

Dua Set!

Image depicts a thunderstorm over the Sultan Hassan Mosque in Cairo, Egypt

A Dance with Bast

"Consciousness expresses itself through creation. This world we live in is the dance of the Creator. Dancers come and go in the twinkling of an eye but the dance lives on. On many an occasion when I am dancing, I have felt touched by something sacred. In those moments, I felt my spirit soar and become one with everything that exists. I become the stars and the moon. I become the lover and the beloved. I become the victor and the vanquished. I become the master and the slave. I become the singer and the song. I become the knower and the known. I keep on dancing and then, it is the eternal dance of creation. The Creator and the creation merge into one wholeness of joy. I keep on dancing — until there is only … the dance."

Michael Jackson "The Dance" - from inlay sleeve of Dangerous (1991)

"I would believe only in a god who could dance. And when I saw my devil I found him serious, thorough, profound, and solemn: it was the spirit of gravity - through him all things fall."

Friedrich Nietzsche - "Thus Spoke Zarathustra"

I was participating in a pathworking meditation during my Reiki I° class. I was instructed to focus on my Soul Star chakra (also known as the Vyapani or universal heart) and that I would manifest a sacred space there. To my surprise, the space that I found myself in was a sacred library that I dreamed of many years before.

As I walked around this space, I noticed Bast sitting in a plush, crimson velvet chair. There was a hearth behind Her radiating warmth from a cozy, crackling fire. I approached Bast and bowed with my hands outstretched, a posture of devotion known as henu. Bast smiled and after a period of pleasant silence, I asked Her if She wanted to dance with me. The Goddess rose from Her seat and walked towards me with calm, authoritative grace.

Bast was covered from head to toe in short, black fur. Her eyes were green, Her teeth radiant and sharp. She wore a flowing but simple, turquoise-colored dress in a modern style, accented with gold leaf. She wore gold bracelets on her wrists and ankles, gold armlets above the elbow in a serpentine design, and a stunning gold Wesekh collar adorned with jade, sapphires, blue amethysts, and emeralds. She had earrings of emerald and wore simple but elegant jade pumps on her feet. Her nails (more like claws) were refined but sharp. She was about my height if not an inch or so taller.

She took my hands in Hers and we began to waltz around this space. As we danced, it felt as though we had done so many, many times before. The Goddess spoke and I listened. She told me that I have come a long way and there is much yet that I must do. She told me to relax and loosen up a bit more. “Have fun and enjoy life! Do everything that you desire. That is what life is for.” Her face became brighter, soft, and encouraging, and with a joyous smile and twinkle in Her eye She told me the words that I will remember for the rest of my life, “Life can be beautiful if you let it.”

And with that, we danced on, smiling and free, as my awareness returned to my teacher’s living room. My head turned to the right and outside the tall windows, I could see the sun rising slowly into its zenith.

Life is not meant to be a breeze. Misfortune, mistakes, and loss are there to teach and shape us, if we are so inclined to listen. Beauty is certainly in the eye of the beholder and after that experience, which I chose to believe was authentic, I began to ask myself, “Why not try to see the beauty in life? Why not see the good?”

And so, I began to realize that such a mindset was a choice. I chose to see each moment not in a glass-half-full sort of way, but as an opportunity for creation. I began to cultivate openness, acceptance, gratitude, and ingenuity as a state of being. The more I embodied the beauty and goodness that I wanted to see in the world, the more I found that it was.

Dua Bast!

Image is credited to FelineFire.

Hymn to Sekhmet

by Joey Rivers (ascendingaeons)

O Sekhmet, Great Eye of Ra, the First and the Last Healer and Destroyer, Mother and Daughter You Who accepted the Command of Ra, Your Father To cleanse the Two Lands of Isfet But Your nature was too mighty, Great of Strength as You Are Wanton and unrestrained, You ravaged Earth as a purifying flame And as Ra looked on and saw His Eye, He was stricken with pause By the Will of the Sun, Your Rage was quieted by a crimson brew And into transformative slumber You fell, Great Goddess And from Your great Rage, Het-Heru rose A new Eye was christened, of eros sublime And you, Great Mother, knew the sadness of regret

You, Great Goddess, know the measure of rage unbound And so You Stand, Great Mother of War, in defense and duty Of the Principles and Consequences of Ma’at Your Children are many, Great Lady of Life Diverse in their multitudes, empowered by their tribulation

Yours is the soldier, Your Mighty Sekhem made flesh and bone Entrenched in a maelstrom of fire and blood Returning home to a nation that does not understand him

Yours is the survivor, a living branch of Your burning Will triumphant Endeavoring to rise above the quagmire of loss and agony Through You their struggle is transmuted into the golden light of ka ascendant

Yours is the mother, she who knows sacrifice and sleepless nights A font unyielding of love and pride, of smiles and laughter perfected They who bear the weight of the world so a child can know childhood

Yours is the healer, an alchemist of the ontological persuasion He who is humbled by the frailty beholden to human experience He who ushers Your Sekhem through the riptide of transformative loss

Yours is the artist, through whose passions course Your Divine Fire Who walks the scales of inspiration and madness, knowing Creation unfiltered An alchemist versed in the milieus of perception

For You, Great Goddess, are the very Force of Change You are that which makes men tremble so Such an unnecessary fear, of wisdom and experience untouched Were I You, I would feel such sadness But how You smile, Great One! How You laugh! How You fight! You are not “she who cowers before Apep!” NO! You are the Great Lioness Who rends Chaos asunder! You fight and rage and bite and tear Passion and emotion alive and unrestrained!

You are Love, Great Goddess You are Fear, Great Goddess You are Devotion, Great Goddess You are Loss, Great Goddess You are Health, Great Goddess You are Sickness, Great Goddess This is why I call You the Mother of Life Your Ka is the very essence of experience! Your Sekhem is the very wind of change!

When I first called upon You, timid and unsure, I beheld Your Gaze, a window of fire open before my face And as quickly as You Saw me, You left And again when I called to You with offering of water and bread Exhausted by grief and devotion, tirelessly sung from a caregiver’s heart You came to me and my eyes were opened to You! As I lay without sleep, You stood at my bedside Stroking my back with strong hands of fire Whispering strength and courage into my ear As a sentinel You walked with me, a Mother Lioness guarding Her cub Such loyalty and tenderness You showed And my eyes were forever opened to Your nature

You are the very Force of Creation, the Monad of Being From which stems those primordial principalities Love and Fear, Physis and Logos, Known and Unknown Order and Disorder, Life and Death, Dynamism and Stasis

I offer henu to You, Great Goddess of Creation The endless potentiality and movement of the living cosmos The Fires Divine that Become living sinews and living earth

I offer henu to Your Husband Ptah, the Cosmic Smith Patron of artisans, of those who tirelessly toil In the pursuit of Bringing Into Being but a shard of the Sacred Unmanifest

I offer henu to Your Son, the Beautiful Nefertem The Ageless Lotus that rose from the Benben Stone The First Splendid Light to Shine in the churning Waters of Nun

It was You Who held my right hand as I accepted the mark of a healer And embraced me as a Mother would Her graduating son I offer You my pain, Great Goddess So that You may transmute it into Strength I offer You my fear, Great Goddess So that You may transmute it into Courage I offer You my uncertainty, Great Goddess So that You may transmute it into Wisdom

Into Your Belly I give of myself to unleash my greatest potential To burst from Your Bosom, shining and emboldened For there is nothing that is beyond Your Reach, Great Mother It is for me, now, to See that nothing is beyond my own

Dua Sekhmet! Dua Sekhmet! Dua Sekhmet!

The Primordial Dynamic

“There are marvelous relations between beings and things, in this inexhaustible whole, from sun to grub, there is no scorn, each needs the other… Every bird that flies has the thread of the infinite in its claw. Germination includes the hatching of a meteor and the tap of a swallow's beak breaking the egg, and it guides the birth of the earthworm, and the advent of Socrates. Where the telescope ends, the microscope begins… A bit of mold is a pleiad of flowers; a nebula is an anthill of stars. The same promiscuity, and still more wonderful, between the things of the intellect and material things. Elements and principles are mingled, combined, espoused, multiplied one by another, to the point that the material world, and the moral world are brought into the same light… In the vast cosmic changes, universal life comes and goes in unknown quantities, rolling everything up in the invisible mystery of the emanations, using everything, losing no dream from any single sleep, sowing a microscopic animal here, crumbling a star there, oscillating and gyrating, making a force of light, and an element of thought, disseminated and indivisible dissolving all, that geometric point, the self.”

Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

Love and Fear are the quintessential forces of expansion and restriction within the physical universe. In human terms, they are what we instinctively gravitate towards and expel from. In the physical sciences, they are regarded as opposing binaries. In cosmology and religion, they have been regarded as primeval beings or forces associated with creation and destruction. Regarding the psyche, they are the First Principles of positive and negative emotion. To strip any emotion of its social and behavioral trappings is to reduce it to either Love or Fear. When viewed in this light human behavior becomes far more understandable and a great many obstacles no longer appear so impossible to surmount.

Love and Fear are dynamic forces as opposed to static binaries; a magnetism altogether different from that of the humble classroom magnet. I have come to regard them similarly to Aeons in the sense that they behave like higher organisms of which descending orders of matter, energy, and consciousness are essentially involved components (e.g. cells). They are part of us, flow through us, but are simultaneously beyond us. Humanity is not insignificant or meaningless compared to them, but quite the contrary. They grant us the opportunity and means to attain completion.

A fundamental truth of Love and Fear is that they exist in varying degrees within the sum composite of the created universe, including but not up to:

Biocentric (as a mechanism/particle)

Anthropocentric (as a thought-form)

Logocentric (as frequencies/emotions)

Cosmocentric (as energy/waves)

Psychocentric (as an organism)

Inherent in man is a unique separateness and the awareness thereof: we descend from Nature but are not of it. This has been conveyed in allegory (Genesis 3:4, 3:22-24) and verified through paleoanthropology. It is an inescapable human trait to deviate from the natural order, struggling against complacency while ascending the steps of higher ideals. The cosmos is kept in balance by the principle of duality, from the tiniest particle to the grandest star, which is reflected in the microcosm: when one defies their true nature and chosen purpose they begin to stagnate and suffer.

About 4 million years ago, our planet experienced a climate shift which set our hominid ancestors on the course towards civilization. Among the biological shifts they underwent was the straightening of the spine. As our ancestors began to walk upright, they were forced to look forward, creating a scission between the emergent species and the homeostatic order of Nature; whence came a new kind of intellect, once concerned with the future. One of the most significant differences between Homo sapiens and earlier hominids was the dramatic increase of the cranial capacity and the simultaneous development of smaller jaws and teeth. These evolutionary changes paved the first steps toward a species genetically predisposed towards communication. 

We are a species that doesn’t quite have a place in the natural order. While emotion and intellect are clearly observable in the behavior of animals, they lack the creative spark known to humanity—the qualitative difference between the soul and spirit. Perhaps it is more accurate to say that given their nature animals possess no need for our spiritual flame and the complications thereof. It is because of this Promethean Spark that humanity is prone to genius and madness in equal measure, as we are easily defined by our passion, inspiration, beauty, ingenuity, advancement, suffering, and irrationality—essentially, that which brings about empowerment, evolution, and change.

Humans are the only species on Earth known to possess a sense of Self. Carl Jung defined the Self as the sum composite of an individual consciousness. Ian Lungold defined consciousness as “the awareness of being aware” and man, as Erich Fromm writes, “is life being aware of itself.” To quote a line from The Shoes of the Fisherman (a film I’m perhaps too fond of), “man is the animal that knows and knows that he knows.”

There is balance in all things and from the moment humanity gained that Promethean Spark, the presence of Self, we have been children of both Chaos and Cosmos. Their dance can be observed on the subatomic level in electrons existing in superposition and the instinctual consciousness of flora and fauna. It is with the human species that it begins to meet genuine resistance, as we are uniquely displaced from the natural order. To deny one is to deny a critical part of ourselves. It is unhealthy for the psyche to be always happy, always loving, and never hateful or despaired. Such a mind inhibits growth.

It’s far easier to paint the world in corridors of shadows and lights rather than take stock of the vastness. Love is chaotic, messy, and without guarantees but without it we would still be living in caves, brutalizing one another over genetic material. It is a single half of the primordial magnetism, a vitality older than the Cosmos. I do not doubt that there is symmetry enough in the cosmos for the dynamism of Love to flourish and unpredictability enough for us to evolve that we may appreciate it all the more. 

The Primordial Dynamic has appeared in allegory and symbolism for thousands of years. It has been embodied in symbols such as the sonnenrad, taijitu, hunab ku, and merkaba. Nearly every ancient civilization developed an understanding of the cosmic equilibrium and many creation myths illustrated this with warring titans and primeval forces. Although this cosmic mystery play changed its countenance with each retelling, it maintains certain characteristics:

It is a perpetual struggle in infinite space between opposing forces, e.g. attraction and repulsion, in a process that ensures continued life, death, and rebirth in the Cosmos. 

The Laws of Heaven are the same as the Laws of Earth. The universe resonates with the same current which is disseminated through descending orders of consciousness. The changing tension of the Primordial Dynamic plays out in a series of rises and falls, affecting gods and planets as much as human beings. Humanity’s journey is linked to that of the stars, for what happens in the Cosmos happens on Earth.

Matter and energy exist in a state of entanglement. Every particle interacts with every other particle and every object interacts with every other object. As such, time and space are not detrimental to the completion of the cosmic mystery play.

The Primordial Dynamic is a balance between the Principle or Form of Being (Physis) and the assertion of it (Logos). Human perception is grounded in the interaction between matter and vibration. Matter is inherently passive and catalytic, the seat of potential that manifests in the womb or an ungerminated seed. It is defined by feminine, receptive energy. Vibration is dynamic and volatile, capable of both creation and destruction and is thus understood as an inherently masculine force.

Just as human cells comprise organs, which in turn comprise our physical selves, so too does humanity function as the active cells of the planet Earth. The human body mirrors the surface of the Earth; circulatory pathways become rivers, the lungs become trees, the womb becomes the effervescent mantle, and the atmosphere becomes the skin, which happens to be the largest organ in the human body.

For much of their lives, some human beings are not unlike fitful dreamers encapsulated in the volcanic womb of the maternal Earth. A womb is a place of passive development and safety, a realm of unbridled potentiality borne of the chaotic waters that precede creation; yet all too often humans find themselves clashing with their nature and destroying their sanctuary. By our very nature, human beings are intimate with and separate from the natural order. As the only species on Earth to have evolved a sense of Self, we are the means for a conscious universe to experience itself; for evidence, we need only to look to the developing fetus. 

We begin our journey as a single-celled organism called a zygote, a synthesis of masculine and feminine principles. After the egg is fertilized it divides and multiplies rapidly to form an embryo. The fourth week of development gives way to the pharyngeal arches, the precursors to gills in aquatic species. In terrestrial vertebrates these form parts of the jaw, larynx, and inner ear. Through the course of our evolution, human beings have modified these tissues for verbal communication as opposed to extracting oxygen from water. In the fifth and sixth weeks of development, the heart and lungs form and descend as well as the vestigial tail, giving the embryo a reptilian appearance. By the eighth week, the vestigial tail is absorbed into the body forming the tailbone, giving the child a more mammalian appearance; it is from this point forward that the child is referred to as a fetus. 

Around the sixteenth week, the fetus develops its first hairs called the lanugo. These cover the body in abundance by the twentieth week, giving the fetus a recognizable primate appearance. By the thirty-sixth week, the fetus has shed most if not all of its lanugo and begins to resemble a human child. Human gestation is a reflection of the entire span of the evolution of all life on this planet. We are not viruses or parasites, but the manifestation of consciousness. This has been observed since time immemorial by ancient peoples and recorded in modern religions.

There is still so much more for us to discover about our history, our place in the universe, and most importantly about ourselves. I’ve always believed that there is profound goodness in the seat of the human soul. We are capable of great compassion and terrible cruelty in an unequivocal measure, yet at the core of our being, there is an unbounded iridescence that defies the mere duality of light and shadow. Our existence is neither meaningless and random nor fated and supreme. A slight shift in the stellar winds or mutation in a virus could have forever altered the course of human history and that makes humanity all the more precious.

Title image is a relief on throne of Senwosret I, second pharaoh of the 12th Dynasty. It depicts Set and Heru-wer, twin forces in the Primordial Dynamic, Uniting the Two Lands. (Credited to wikipedia)

Table concerning the Primordial Dynamic is credited to Joey Rivers (ascendingaeons).

The Crux of My Journey

“Mind the lessons of the past, but burden yourself not with the cares of ghosts. They cannot trouble you if you do not embrace them.”

Adept Susan Wylie - “Corridors of Light and Shadow,” Ruby Tablet of Set

“Life is an unfoldment, and the further we travel the more truth we can comprehend. To understand the things that are at our door is the best preparation for understanding those that lie beyond.”

Hypatia of Alexandria

I was seventeen when I began to practice shamanic trance. My shamanic journey began with a dream. In this dream, I was exploring a subterranean necropolis until I came across a door that was not a door. All at once, I found myself in a library that was mine but not mine. It was a sacred space that I was to return to many years later in meditation during my Reiki I° class. But, for the time being, it was an awakening. Before long I discovered the power of movement, rhythm, and vibration in altering states of consciousness. Perhaps it is better to say I remembered.

In my first experience with shamanic trance, I found myself traversing the planes of the classical elements. I trekked across the savannas and mountains of the Plane of Earth. In the twilight of the Plane of Water, I danced with its denizens and came to discern the stagecraft of my Shadow. Within the Plane of Air, I beheld the scions of noetic understanding. Beyond that, I soared through the Plane of Fire, across empyrean skies inflamed and infuriated with an ecstasy that has inspired humanity into madness. Rising beyond I beheld a vast ocean of Stars, glistening souls cast against the inky blackness; such was Quintessence. Unexpectedly, my gaze turned towards the ground far below and I knew I was not to remain. So, I chose to sink back down, away from their radiance. The experience was to come full circle upon meeting my soulmate, for he was the first to encourage me to rise while being the one into whose embrace I would so willingly return.

I experienced the numinous as a visage both black and blinding. This was not experienced through sight as much as it was through being. I was everything and nothing, within and beyond, experiencing the colliding, extravagant cycle of death and rebirth. I came to witness the notion of Self with eyes unclouded. It exists between the framework of what we believe to be ourselves. From this, I came to understand cosmos and psyche in an entirely new light. My eyes were forever opened to the precious potential of humanity and the immortality of consciousness. In terrible darkness can be found numinous light. In my experience, shadow is not inherently deceptive for its very nature is revelation and a light cast upon mirrors creates far greater confusion than one extinguished.

I lived the tale of a being that was once a vitki, a Scandinavian sorcerer, but had aged from knowledge to the point of resembling a withered husk. I experienced a memory of his younger days, traversing a timeworn forest in a relentless thunderstorm. Above me, I saw what I would describe as an anti-sky, as though I was walking through the quagmires of Hel. As I gazed upon those clouds, I bore a deep knowing that they were apertures to Aeons both great and terrible. The skies sang, the earth groaned and so it was until I reached a sanctuary in the form of ancient ruins and the yawing maw of a cave beyond—a sign that for every bright sunrise, there is always another night to be conquered. This was the only spot in the forest that saw sunlight. And so, I beheld what remained of a great temple and in that pristine moment, I knew I stood upon hallowed grounds where the ancients still breathed. Through shamanic flight, I would return to these ruins many years later and into the cave system just beyond. In the heart of the cavern, I would learn the means to reach other territories of Spirit, the first being the sanctum of Sekhmet.

I stood upon an emerald cliff before sapphire shores, the Vanir behind me and the Aesir before me. I witnessed my brothers sail off into the great unknown. Their chants and songs rang out against the billowing winds and raging seas until they disappeared beyond the horizon. I solemnly turned and walked into the ageless groves, away from what was expected of me and into the deep, eternal embrace of the Earth. This would prove to be a lesson of great value, one that would take a great while to learn.

It witnessed a pharaonic funeral with an empty sarcophagus and walked in the body of an embittered, disgraced priest of Aten. I experienced his journey of healing that lasted nearly two decades, far from the glistening sands of his homeland. I witnessed his return to a nation that would not recognize him and walked the hallowed grounds of an overgrown temple where he would offer in sacrifice his divine ka to the Netjeru. In exchange, the old man besought the Two Lands and their people healed and redeemed. As I lived, he spoke, and I recorded what I could.

“The life of a newborn child is not defined by his anthropological sinews, yet he is their herald in flesh irrespective of his desire. As the child learns – no, it would be practical to bestow consideration to chance; should the child learn to use causality as an extension of his Will, so too may he begin to grasp all that has been sacrificed and accomplished just so that he may behold this physical world with his own eyes, touch the elements and treasure the miseries and joys of Love, experience the chemistry of pleasure and pain, glory in his individuality and the ongoing eruptions of Will that light the Universe aflame, and feel the pride swelling in him for the celestial rivers of life that cascade within his veins. Since the first monumental and alchemical sunrise over the Black Lands, known therein as Kemet in aspects both terrestrial and visionary, the Netjeru have erected endless skies and buried them just as effortlessly. Every man and every woman are borne of the Netjeru as flesh and blood.”

We are children of a divided cosmos, saplings conceived by the union of Earth and Sky. We possess the capacity for profound healing but find it to be an unconquerable sun, rejecting the notion that we are, in fact, the very Star we fear to surmount. Our demons are part of us just as much as our dreams. Better they be treated with love and compassion than rejection and infamy. We are capable of such greatness but forget that greatness always begins on one’s own terms.

This year I will turn thirty-five and I can say with confidence that I have only just begun to live. I was born with clairvoyance, clairaudience, and clairsentience—the abilities to see, hear, and feel on degrees beyond our dense reality. I like to say that I was born with “one foot in the river;” one step in the foothills of Life and another in the river of Death. I am entirely comfortable with the concept of death as I know it is merely a transition to another state of being. Death is a homecoming, a return to what you always were. I don’t just perceive Spirit, I experience It. For most of my life, I was in denial of that fact, so much that during my first dark night of the soul, I suppressed my gifts altogether and would continue to do so for nearly a decade.

It wasn’t until I found myself in the position to teach, to pass down what experience and wisdom I have attained to someone eager to learn and discover their own Path. I have had a few students but one in particular left an undeniable mark. This apprenticeship wasn’t to last and I soon parted ways with them but with the realization that they had given me a gift—they had reunited me with my Path and Opened the Way. I have since come to learn that this individual was my twin flame; whether or not we cross paths again remains to be seen. Years later, it was in meeting my soulmate that everything that was lost and scattered began to coalesce. When you meet the right person in the right place at the right time, everything stops and a moment in time becomes truly eternal. In that precious moment, another soul becomes a window to our own.

The sum composite of my being exists far beyond this reality, a realization that came later than I would like. My purpose in life is not to grasp such things, for Thou Art That. As much as I love to learn and theorize, I came into this body, first and foremost, to help people. The first way to do this is to be my authentic self. By living in accordance with my True Will, I find myself in a position to master my own existence and in doing so will attract what is in resonance with that. I’ve found this a feat much easier said than done but I have lived its success and thus know it to be true.

The second way is to live as a human being. We do not master ourselves by being perfect for there is no such thing. Our journey of imperfection—of skinned knees, bitter fears, and many, many falls—is meant to help us grow by reminding us in small doses that we are eternal. I haven’t discovered the third way, which I am sure exists, but if the formula rings true, I would imagine it has something to do with one’s unending potential. I am fortunate enough to have experienced the lessons afforded to me. In the final analysis, they were just that: things that happened for me rather than to me. I am not always able to maintain that outlook but the fact that I can at all tells me that I have grown.

There emanates a fundamental duality from the heart of the cosmos. The resonance of its heartbeat touches every particle, every antiparticle, all notions of gravitation and expulsion finding themselves awash in the grace of the First Energy. We’ve given that primordial spark many names throughout civilization but the most endearing one can be the easiest to forget when its wisdom is needed the most: Love.

We only have so much time incarnate on this Earth. A third of the way through this life, I now stand at the beginning of a grand, new adventure. I choose to make the most of this life. What makes this easier for me will not work for others. Find what works for you, my friend, and embrace life.

Image is Life Journey #2 by PsychoShadow ART

Bright Awakenings and Dark Nights

“When water gets caught in habitual whirlpools, dig a way out through the bottom to the ocean. There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can’t hope. The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.”

- Jalaluddin Rumi (tr. Coleman Barks), “My Worst Habit”

Have you ever felt as though something you've always known was suddenly foreign? That you no longer knew who you were, what you were doing, or perhaps even what you believed? More times than not, I would say one feels this way for a simple reason: they are evolving. There eventually comes a time when one's old values, beliefs, and way of doing things grow too stagnant and must be discarded. But the process of laying such things to rest can be terribly frightening and often painful. Society is rooted in tradition, and suddenly changing course is not always looked upon favorably. But I will tell you a secret from my own experience: doing so was the most liberating thing I have ever done.

It is not uncommon for a person who has walked the same path for so long to become disillusioned. I've found that such disillusionment grows at a steady drip, but we never really notice it until we're drowning in an ocean of it, with no sense of direction or end in sight. It becomes more and more apparent that the only way out of this inner desolation is just so—within the depths of ourselves. But to reach that sacred core we must begin tearing away at all the excess we've gathered, discarding every shred of the past that has started to fester and consume us. For some of these things, doing so may feel like a significant loss or even betrayal, so we take great care in releasing them with gratitude and tenderness. However, this is not always the case. This is perhaps one of the rarest moments in your life where you are utterly alone with yourself. It is very fitting that this experience has been coined the Dark Night of the Soul.

The phrase "Dark Night of the Soul" is attributed to Saint John of the Cross, a Carmelite priest and mystic of the sixteenth century. It originally referred to a spiritual crisis experienced by the devout on their path to union with God. That expression does do it justice, as a Dark Night feels as though one's link to the numinous is entirely severed, nearly to the point of abandonment. In magickal terminology, the experience is akin to Crossing the Abyss. Human beings are creatures of both light and shadow, order and chaos, so it falls to reason that one cannot experience a continuum of enlightenment or bliss without the mediation of ignorance and despair. However, I find that one does not have to be religious or spiritual to experience a Dark Night of the Soul.

A Dark Night of the Soul manifests as a period of psychological and spiritual stagnation that touches the very core of one's being. It is not a trial or punishment but rather a rite of passage, an ordeal to bring about psychocentric cohesion and evolution. In the pall of a Dark Night one experiences a profound sense of doubt surrounding the most significant aspects of their religious or spiritual practice and values. Every experience, connection, and victory find themselves prone to scrutiny. Where once stood great passion and intrigue, only dryness and insufficiency will reign.

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience." That is a quote that I've seen more often on metaphysical blogs and websites. Its source is disputed but is commonly attributed to Pierre Teilhard de Chardin in his book "The Joy of Kindness." The source of this quote is not the subject of this essay, but its nature—insofar as I understand it—is.

A Dark Night of the Soul is not an entirely spiritual phenomenon. Anyone can experience it under the right conditions. The seasoned author that can no longer bear to jot down a single passage, despite it being the only career that's ever ignited their passions. The sole survivor of a car crash, now faced with a life without their loved ones. The cloistered nun confronting the depth and breadth of eternity. The magician who, after years of education and prowess, is forced to face himself and his peerless degrees of contradictions.

Dark Nights are the culmination of a process often long-overdue. While they can be triggered by a profound experience or change in one's life, the necessary elements were already present; the significant trauma or conclusions drawn are merely the catalyst sufficient to dismantle one's outlook on life. While not always the product of severe trauma, the Dark Night of the Soul shares some of its symptoms. It should not be considered a case of cognitive dissonance but rather the instance of one's existential outlook being rendered inadequate or obsolete. The Dark Night of the Soul is an existential crisis derived from the singular act of being forced to face one's Shadow.

The Shadow is the aspect of the psyche associated with uncertainty and negativity. All that one would deny, ignore or repress is personified in the Shadow. What we do not appreciate within our Shadow we tend to project onto others; what we dislike about others, we dislike about ourselves. The process of integrating the Shadow in this way mirrors what some attribute to "ego-death" or, to be more precise, the dissolution of the former or transitory aspects of one's being into the sum composite of the Self. This occurs through what I can describe as forceful submergence into one's Shadow, the horrible aspects of the unconscious made strenuously conscious. The experience is comparable to the tribulation of Pandora, for once unleashed so thoroughly, these demons cannot be suppressed.

“Upon the dark road you are traveling, do not seek out the light, the illusion, the fallacy and incessant need for all things external. Have no fear, take the darkness as your comfort because you are the light shining in the dark. You just need to find the spark.”

- L.J. Vanier, Ether: Into the Nemesis

The Dark Night of the Soul can be an utterly egregious and painful experience; during my first and second ventures, I made several considerations at taking my own life. The Abyss can either herald great awakenings or consume the aspirant entirely. I do not find that human beings are inherently flawed or born with sin. We are each an unfoldment into the expanse of completion. Just as Michelangelo sought to bring forth his angels from within the marble, so too is the human being a nexus in the process of becoming.

Central to the Dark Night of the Soul is a period of stumbling through overgrown paths. I would argue that some of the primary purposes of life are growth and learning, for human beings have always been compelled to seek out the truth underlying the forbidden, uncover the mysteries of the universe, and wander in the dark in search of themselves.

A Dark Night of the Soul is a uniquely transformative yet traumatic experience. Severe trauma and loss leave a shock to one's system. In their wake, one is often left with two choices. First, they can become bitter and resentful, clouding their perception with the view that the world is a terrible, unjust place and that humanity is an irredeemably cruel species. In this mindset, nothing can be improved, and any attempts at closure are washed away with the incoming tide. However, it is possible to channel feelings of grief or misfortune into something more productive, such as helping others or improving oneself. These negative attributes can be welcomed into our conscious self in doing so.

If I could go back in time and give one word of advice to my younger self as he was drowning in that murky ocean, I would tell him to be kinder to himself. The process of a Dark Night is often what I would consider a purge. Not only did I find myself disavowing old beliefs and values, but I also began sorting through my possessions and re-evaluating relationships. One learns a great deal about themselves and the sphere of their life in such disconnect and isolation.

I was once told a fitting parable given to a friend by a female shaman. Every year on the cusp of winter, the bear retreats to the solitude of a cave. Surrounding himself in mulch and soft earth, he begins to hibernate until such time that the sun returns and the earth awakens from her slumber. As the bear emerges from the murky depths of his cave, he finds himself in a world altogether different from the one he left behind. In such times of utter uncertainty and despair, sometimes the best thing we can do is become as the bear in the cave. In changing ourselves, we change our relation to the world.

There is an almost supernatural wisdom to be found in those who live closer to the heart of the cosmos. Medicine men and women, cunning folk, and healers are only part and parcel of a greater current of understanding. Is it any wonder that we gaze upon our grandparents as children in awe and wonder? They are immersed in the same sacred waters that we have only just emerged from, but, even more, they have lived! They have traversed such plateaus of light and darkness that our young minds can barely just fathom, and their stories, wisdom, and jokes fill us with joy and excitement for another tomorrow. Such, I have found, is life—regardless of age, there are always times to learn, dream, and retreat to the depths of inner space. There is always Work to be done.

In the Dark Night of the Soul, as in all aspects of life, gratitude is everything. A wise person once taught me that we should express nothing short of love for the parts of ourselves trying to kill us. I struggled with this initially. It is better to treat negativity with acceptance and rationality instead of revulsion, considering that these manifestations could be masking a greater truth. Just as people lash out when they are hurt or afraid, so too does the conscious mind react violently to the subversiveness of the Shadow. But if one were to approach these uncertainties—all of which are innate, mind you—with love and openness, the path to recovery can begin at a much smoother pace. That shift in awareness has helped me overcome one of the most challenging times in my life.

Embrace the rejected through gratitude. Viktor Frankl put this into his own words in his book Man's Search for Meaning, laying the foundation for logotherapy upon the principle of finding meaning in suffering. This powerful message illustrates that even the ugliest traumas have value, that we have value despite our worst experiences. No lesson or trauma is permanent; if you can learn something, you can without a doubt unlearn it and replace it with something else. It is when certitudes persist past their efficacy that we find ourselves suffering.

There is always a degree of meaning to be found in suffering or misfortune, though I would not go as far as to say that every pitfall must be regarded as a sign. Suffering is, by design, not intended to be permanent. It is a reaction to extenuating pressure or imbalance, whether of the body or mind; such reactions are intended to be broken.

Apprehension of the Dark Night of the Soul is derivative of religion and secularism. An apt representation in scripture is found in 1 Corinthians 13:12, which says, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then I shall know even as also I am known." While I am not myself Christian, I understand that this passage states that all things are possible through the divine. I view it as a vivid illustration of the process of Crossing the Abyss and coming face-to-face with one's inmost Self, an experience from which there is no turning back.

The Abyss is an impartial maelstrom that rips away the disingenuous and superfluous, leaving only the authentic and essential in its wake, and at the heart of this storm is a looking glass into our immaculate entirety. One's emergence from the Dark Night of the Soul is very much a rebirth, one that can occur several times in a lifetime. It is an experience that leaves one feeling altogether lighter and bearing newfound confidence, serving as a reminder that our inner demons, such as they are, are not to be purged but instead confronted.

Imagine if your life up to the point of the Dark Night was a colorful painting, all of the hues and shades perfectly representing who you had become through hard work and investment. You believed that this was the real "you," the most authentic version that has existed thus far. Then the canvas gets coated with egregious black ink, almost like the beginning of a very long, arduous wake-up call. After so long, you only have the memory of that colorful painting representing your once upon a time. You become detached from reality; how far this spirals will be proportionate to how deeply you were invested in your canvas.

Eventually, you start to notice shapes and colors in the inky darkness. The murk in your mind begins to clear as some unseen alchemy begins to bring definition to your inner chaos. The cold becomes more bearable, and the psychic torment starts to wane. You will start to feel lighter, more genuine. You had previously thought that you were less than who you once were, and while this was practically true, you've been looking at it all wrong. It wasn't that you used to be more, but that you once had far greater excess.

Suddenly, slowly the colors start to become noticeable again until the plethora upon your canvas is before you once again. The colors are different from what you remember, seemingly so long ago. They are no longer merely qualitative or expressive strokes upon your canvas. As you pay close enough attention, you reach into the depths of their nature, and it is almost as if you can hear them. This seems remarkable to you, as though you see your life with fresh eyes, and for a time, you experience a state of genuine bliss.

Comparing the venture through the Dark Night of the Soul to a storm is not inaccurate. By their very nature, storms are created due to imbalance and will continue until their energy and momentum are redistributed. In this case, a Dark Night will continue until a particular lesson is internalized. I have noticed through my own experiences that the wisdom attained has been diametrically opposed to my overall experience.

I have had three significant spiritual awakenings to date, each one preceded by a Dark Night of the Soul. These awakenings have greatly improved my quality of life, changed how I interact with the world, and redefined my spiritual practice. Simply put, they are:

1. Be true to your inmost Self.

A recurring theme in Aleister Crowley's Book of the Law is the correspondence between the True Will of the inner cosmos and the momentum of the outer cosmos. When you exist in harmony with your true nature—that which has always shone within you and perseveres beyond the breath of the ego—the universe will rearrange itself to accommodate your Will. When you suppress your true nature, you will suffer. Put another way, if you approach a task with enthusiasm, others will notice this and resonate in kind. If you walk into a room assuming the worst, it's likely the worst will come to pass. Energy is fundamental to life, and we are life made aware of itself.

2. Death is not something to be feared.

It's entirely possible that after experiencing two of the worst years of my life, my psyche became flooded with the idea of death, thus desensitizing me to the notion. However, I began communicating with one of my spirit guides during this time. I discovered that rather than torment or shame, traumatized souls are met with healing and compassion regardless if their death was self-inflicted—a sentiment that is heavily shunned in the western world, serving only to contribute to a culture rooted in preserving shame. Since then, I have read over a dozen books on the subject. My appreciation for the gift of life has only grown. Try to imagine for just a moment the sensation of a lifetime of weight being lifted from one's shoulders or the first genuine breath taken in what felt like decades, not from an act of aggression but one of compassion. It is only when one releases their hold on something that they can begin to grasp its value. It was the next lesson that would teach me the gravity and importance of a life.

3. You are loved.

At the time, I assumed I had replaced one benighted existence for another. And yet, it turned out to be a gift beyond measure. Circumstances had forced me to let go of a great many certitudes as I found myself caring for my dying father. The last of my self-constructed walls began to strip down, leaving only my Self in the wake of undoing. I was faced with the most humbling of truths, that regardless of how I had been treated or how I learned to speak to myself, I was still capable of giving love—and receiving it. I learned with absolute certainty that all things under the sun are wont to perish, save for the iridescence of love. Love isn't merely something waiting to awaken, but rather something resonating throughout each moment. The strength and degree of its resonance at any given moment depends entirely upon us. It was here that I found myself truly understanding what Viktor Frankl meant when he committed these words to paper:

"Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress... Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

"Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases to be of importance."

Every choice and reaction are, knowingly or not, weighed against the fulcrum of Love and Fear. These are not scales by which we are condemned to a lake of fire but rather the lens through which we find ourselves. Love yourself, and you shall find the capacity to love others uninhibited. Forgive yourself, for the most egregious burdens are those shouldered from within.

While sounding somewhat clichéd, these simple truths were strenuous for me to truly apprehend after a lifetime of trauma. These realizations were reinforced by twenty years of study and spiritual practice. I did so much research during these periods, desperately trying to understand what these experiences were wont to tell me. I desperately sought answers during these times, as I know others likely will be. I am writing this in the hope that my experiences can help others.

No matter how dark things seem, don't give up. There is always a light above your dark ocean, always a sun outside your cave. You'll find that your thoughts and actions carry more weight than your negative thoughts might allow you to witness. Each of us is unique, irreplaceable, and beyond value. Find meaning in your sorrow, embrace your scars with pride, for they have served to create a stronger, more perceptive person. Many individuals who enter healing professions do so because they have suffered themselves. It is the greatest act of love to help another suffering through the same ordeal that you once did. Believe in yourself, and all else will follow.

“So through endless twilights I dreamed and waited, though I knew not what I waited for. Then in the shadowy solitude my longing for light grew so frantic that I could rest no more, and I lifted entreating hands to the single black ruined tower that reached above the forest into the unknown outer sky. And at last I resolved to scale that tower, fall though I might; since it were better to glimpse the sky and perish, than to live without ever beholding day.”

- Howard Phillips Lovecraft, The Outsider