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afraidtothink · 5 years

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I remember the revelation of how the morning changed your voice like it does mine. I remember your face different in the bitter chill of the courtyards and marveled at a Vilnius that could show you to me in so many hues. Even though I think you had to try, that day, to present an impossible scholarly calm as the snow in Ponary forest forced your hearty gait into small cautious steps. Maybe you had to put a wall up so nothing could muddy the usual cheer, which was almost as eerie as the natural beauty which we all remarked there, and I remember thinking that it’s not about the trees that grow irreverently splitting the sky along arbitrary fault lines like shattered mirror fragments; it’s about the way we look next to them, humiliated, slouched and frost-eyed – even you, who three days before so dwarfed the gods in that narrow lecture hall as polished stone tossed your crisp abundant words about the room like coins from an ancient hoard. Consonants that clipped the oxygen and vowels that filled hungry lungs and pauses in between within which I could not stand to be so far away from you.

I wanted to go around letting all the curtains down in all the hotels. Throw open every window in every palace. Expose the furniture to the elements. After all the revelations lets drink coffee, talk about the weather and joke and swear and be humans, plain and contingent – together.

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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The sun rises for you. It kisses you on the forehead and wishes you a good day. Your bed sheets give you a push out and onto your day, though they’ll miss your body heat and you their comfort. As you walk through halls and up and down stairs, your house and all it’s parts sing to you a tune which subsides when you walk out the door. When you walk out the door, when your feet first meet the ground outside, every blade of grass, every tree, every flower, has its attention on you. When you’re close by, the ground ripples softly like gentle waves, rising and falling until they carry me to you. When I look at you the stars fall suddenly from the sky and they cover my eyes so that they are all I can see when I look at you. When you leave again the stars retrieve the moon to look over you while the sun walks you home, and I am swallowed by the ground beneath me; kept in the dark until you come back. The sun only goes to sleep when you do, as the moon adores you from afar, and the sheets that have been waiting for you all day hug you tight once again. This is the world I live in, the one that revolves around you, and I can only hope that one day you will understand the gravity of my love for you.

#spilled ink #writing #afraid to think #my writing #poetic #love #spilled thoughts #spilled words #world #sun #moon #stars #eyes #you are my world #the world beats for you #revolving #my love is a planet revolving your heart #i love you #gravity

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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me: i am INSPIRED i want to WRITE

my brain, immediately: i have never once even seen a sentence

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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I love you, I love you, I swear that I do

I wake up in the morning just to think about you

And when I dream it’s just to kiss your pretty face

Cause you’re the reason it’s hard to sleep in the first place

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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I love you from the moment I wake up in the morning. I love you when it’s the middle of the day and I’m neck deep in things to do and still thinking about you. I love you when I’m with you and I know how much you care. I love you when you’re doing something I don’t approve of. I love you when you’re making me laugh, but I also love you when you make me cry. I love you when it’s the middle of the night and I cant sleep, and you’re in all my dreams because I love you still when I close my eyes. I love you when it’s easy, I love you when it’s inconvenient. Whether it be early in the morning, the middle of afternoon, or in the deep hours of the evening, I love you. No matter what you do I love you. No matter where I am I love you.

#spilled ink #writing #afraid to think #my writing #spilled thoughts #love #i love you #ill always love you #morning #noon #night #unrequited thoughts #unrequited feelings #unrequited love #poetic #spilled words #i miss you #dream

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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when birds of a feather

were flocking together

she stood there, a lonely crow

almost buried in the snow

but she wasn’t really there

and she didn’t really care

she lived in a fairy tale

where she was a nightingale

she kept on believing this lie

till her wings froze, she couldn’t fly

not able to face the truth

the crow fully wasted her youth

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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I love being outside in the cold without a coat on

I could run on for hours until my face is so numb it might fall off

And all I can do is try to breathe, gather as much air in my lungs as I can, like I’ll never take another breath

I love seeing the town I’m so dearly in love with

And the ground whose divots and cracks I know so well

In the dim light of the evening winter

Though it’s dark when it’s barely the evening

They always say it’s cold to be alone

But to be cold is to be alone

And in that I find warmth

Because while they’re in their pretty houses, sitting by the fire, I’m here

With the world

Only the world

Telling it not to pass me by

And watching it stand still

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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my heart was never so heavy as it was when I realized everything ends

that there will come a time when everyone is gone

the lights will have faded

the curtains will be drawn

the clock will strike twelve for the last time

and never so full as when I realized there can’t be endings without new beginnings

that someday this ground will once again be laden with fresh footsteps

the sun will rise up

the show will go on

and the clock will keep ticking as though it had never stopped

#spilled ink #writing #afraid to think #my writing #poetic #spilled thoughts #spilled words #new #old #beginning #ending #end of the earth #existential #why are we here #time #world

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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How lonely the nights become without you

No longer are my eyelids wide open and my ears tied to your tunes

Yet here I hover, somewhere between sleep and awake, between love and hate, between friends and feelings worth more than words can hold

And in the morning I’ll put on my best face

And act hard and convincingly like I’ve forgotten

But the moment I close my eyes again

I’ll be haunted by our ghosts

For both of us may still be roaming with hearts beating in our chests

But the spirit within me has been hallowed out, and my decomposing body is as good as dead

#spilled ink #writing #afraid to think #my writing #poetic #love #spilled thoughts #spilled words #poem #poetry #i miss you #ghosts

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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my thoughts are looming with everything I ever wanted to tell you but never found quite the right words to say

#my writing #spilled ink #afraid to think #poetic #writing #love #spilled thoughts #spilled words

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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I hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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I know I could never see enough of the world at once, for I would need eyes on every inch of my body

#my writing #spilled ink #afraid to think #poetic #writing #spilled thoughts #spilled words #world #see #open #your #eyes #i #want #to #everything

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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some nights it hurts more than others

and under this moon I feel greater pain

the stars are burning through my skin

only the cold stops me from catching fire

this ferocious darkness snaps at me

on and on until I can’t hear another thing

engulfed in the waves of loneliness

crashing on the dark side of the moon

every night they grab at me

but tonight I finally drown

#my writing #spilled ink #afraid to think #love #poetic #writing #poem #spilled thoughts #spilled words #poetry #night #nightmare #moon #pain

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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hey there

wonderful ghost I love

with beauty that haunts me still

watch me while I sleep

and follow me around all day

from the moment I wake up in the morning

and keep on when it’s time to close my eyes again

#my writing #poetic #spilled ink #writing #afraid to think #love #poem #spilled thoughts #spilled words #lonely #ghost #haunting

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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this is powerful

i. it will feel as though the world has ended and that is partially because it has at least a part of it has; the part that felt like the whole it will feel as though the world went up in flames while all you could do was watch it end (i know you tried but there’s nothing you could’ve done to save it) and how can anyone expect you to recover so quickly when you’re still reeling in the aftershocks of the destruction?

ii. it will feel as though the world has ended and finally the age old adage about the world ending in fire or ice will finally make sense because a sense of numbness will engulf you from head to toe you’ll think you’ve been frozen meanwhile every text that goes unanswered and every phone call that gets ignored will burn like a flame to your skin the pain so intense that you’ll be surprised to find there are no scars left behind an invisible pain only to be described as heartbreak

iii. it will feel as though the world has ended and you’ll wish it had you’ll wish that the sun had imploded or the seas flooded every inch of land you’ll wish for a rain that never ends until we all drown you’ll wish for zombies or an alien invasion you’ll wish for something, anything, to make sense because this doesn’t this – being the ache you constantly feel this – being the tears you cannot stop crying this – being the numbness that seeps into your bones this – being the desperation and needing someone who doesn’t need you this – being still loving someone who doesn’t love you anymore because how can you just turn off those feelings? how can someone just wake up one day and decide that they don’t love someone anymore? it doesn’t make sense, but otherworldly destruction does and maybe if the world is in shambles the same way you feel you are, then people might just stop telling you to get over it

iv. it will feel as though the world has ended and you won’t know if you’ll be able to survive it you’ve never had to go through something like this before; you thought you knew what it was like you’ve heard the songs, you’ve read the poetry, you’ve seen the tweets and tumblr posts about it you thought you knew what it was like until you actually experienced and it and holy shit, does it suck and in the moment, you won’t think you’l be able to survive but you will trust me, you will time will go on and you will take it one day at a time and one day, you’ll wake up and realize that it doesn’t hurt as badly as it did the day before, that you don’t miss them as much as you did before you’ll won’t realize the healing has started happening, but it’ll happen you will live through this travesty and live to see another and it may be just as painful as the first one but at least this time you’ll be able to remind yourself that you survived the end of the world once before, you can do it again

v. it will feel as though the world has ended and that is partially because it has at least a part of it has; the part that felt like the whole but it hasn’t not completely, anyway there is still a part that has managed to stay intact despite this explosion of your universe and that’s the part you need to focus on; not the loss, but what remains

a note to myself after my first breakup (cc, 2019)

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afraidtothink · 5 years

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though you think i’m too old

to be curious, to wonder

i’m still honest about the things i don’t know

i ask things you think i shouldn’t talk about

and i’m still innocently offensive as if i don’t know

i’m still distracted by pretty colors

by the time my mind is here

my body has taken me somewhere else

to the point where i stray so far off course

that i can’t remember where i started

i still want to play with toys

to have something to hold in my hands

maybe it’s a waste of ten minutes

but it’s worth it if it keeps me entertained

i think about what it’ll be like

when i get to be what i want when i grow up

i see myself in every one of them

an astronaut floating around in space

a singer up on stage

a scientist with all the solutions

a firefighter emerging from the smoke

an actor starring in every movie

a philosopher with an answer to every question

though i know i’ll be anything but those things

i still play pretend

because i still want to

because my imagination still takes me to those places

and every night before i close my eyes

i lie awake and stare at the ceiling

i lose myself in a train of thought

a series of golden scenarios

one day i’ll be a millionaire

what if i had everything i wanted?

this is what it would be like to be on top of the world

then i finally get so absolutely exhausted

that i just have to go to sleep

even though i didn’t want to

but i don’t mind it when my thoughts manifest into dreams

and i know that i’ll feel this way forever

like there’s always somewhere to go

and no matter how old i get

i’ll always wonder what life will be like when i grow up

because part of me never will

i’m still honest

i’m still innocent

i’m still easily distracted

i still play with toys

i still play pretend and make believe

i still dream and imagine

i’m still hopeful though you’re not so sure if i should be

i am still a child

and i refuse to be anything more or less

because i’d rather be off playing

and paying no mind to your scrutiny

than become part of your faceless horde

and walk around as if the worst thing that could happen to me is another day

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