How i lost dominance in my house

i remember one tumblr post that said If you hear weird noises in your house,just make louder noises to establish your dominance.

This morning,i woke up and heard weird sounds so i did the weirdest yawning sound i could think of. The sounds of house got louder, so I said Okay,youve re-established your dominance. and BAM the sounds stopped

John Laurens: Hey Alex, do you know what your gay name is?

Alexander Hamilton: John, we're in the middle of war, can't this wait?

John Laurens: no, wait! It's really quick, c'monn!

Alexander Hamilton: Fine. What's my gay name?

John Laurens: it's easy. You take your first name

*gets on one knee*

And my last name

good morning, all sexualities are trans inclusive. this includes nonbinary people. this includes bisexuality. this includes lesbians. this includes heterosexuality. if someone says they are not attracted to trans people or devalues your sexuality based on your attraction to trans people, they are just a transphobe.

Love 👏🏻 is 👏🏻 love DONT BE ASSHOLES

Let bi boys date girls

when Sadie's granny found Muffin

*Sadie walks in Mr. and Mrs. Faust 's apartment*

Mr. Faust:  Granny wants to see you, Sadie. Sadie: okay.

* Sadie walks into kitchen*

Sadie: You asked to see me, Granny?

Mrs. Faust : Where's the cat?

Sadie : What?  What cat?

Mrs. Faust : Sadie , not only are you so stupid you bring in our home an  unquarantined animal and jeopardise me and your grandfather --  not only that -- but you take a photograph of yourself *with* the cat  and send it to be processed in the lab where my friend works.  Now, I'm going to ask  you again, Do you have a cat?

Sadie : No.

Mrs. Faust : (Holding up a photo of Sadie and Muffin) Have you got a  *cat*?

Sadie : Er, yes, that one.

Mrs. Faust : Where'd you get it?  on the street?

Sadie : Yes.

Mrs. Faust : Don't you realise that that thing could be carrying  *anything*? Sadie, a loose animal could get anywhere.  It could get into the air ducts.  It could get into refrigerator.  You know, a  little nibble here and a little nibble there, Sadie, and before you  know it everything is wrong.  Now I want that cat, and I want it  *now*.

Sadie: Granny, just suppose I did have a cat.  Just suppose.  What would  you do with Muffin?

Mrs. Faust : I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up  and tests run on it.

Sadie: Would you put it back together when you'd finished?

Mrs. Faust : Sadie , the cat would be dead.

Sadie : So, with respect, ma'am , what's in it for the cat?

Mrs. Faust : Sadie, give me that cat!

Sadie : It's not as easy as that!  Me and the cat, we're going to have a  baby cat.

Mrs. Faust : Sadie, do you want to be gounded for the rest of the year and forfeit 18 months of pocket money?

Sadie : No.

Mrs. Faust : Do you want to give me that cat?

Sadie : No!

Mrs. Faust: Choose.

we all know  what her chose was.

Breakfast for Carter

Uncle Amos: Carter make it quick.

Cater:I wish to place on record tha my sister Sadie-  

Uncle Amos: Get on with it, Carter.  

Carter: --smuggled inside the 21st Nome  a consignment of a hallucinogenic fungi "Titan Mushrooms," more popularly known as "Freaky Fungus."

Uncle Amos : Is this true?

Sadie: Erm, sort of.

Carter : And on the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage  in conversation with me, Carter Kane--

Uncle Amos : For Ra 's  sake, Carter!

Carter: --the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned  Sadie to the aforementioned Carter to cook him breakfast.

Uncle Amos : Okay, I'm getting the picture.

Carter : Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a  grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and  a large quantity of mushrooms.  Having consumed this repast, Carter Kane.  experienced what can only be described as  a voyage to trip-out city.  To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.

Uncle Amos : Sadie, is this true?

Sadie: No.  I'm sure it was only one egg.

Carter: The aforementioned Carter, me, then attended inspection  parade.  He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving  gloves and some blue swimming goggles.  Under the influence of this  psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior magicians,  believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.

Uncle Amos: You'd better have a good reason for this, Sadie.

Sadie: I have.

Uncle Amos: Why'd you do it?

Sadie: I thought it'd be a laugh.

deteniton at Yancy Academy

Percy and  Nancy Bobofit are in detention for fighting

*Chiron walks in*

Chiron: I got promoted to the detention manager! You can get your works done or just sit here for 3 hours. After that,you can leave!

Chiron looks over Percy's shoulder at what he is reading. Chiron: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid.  Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of  Helen of Troy -- the most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who  ever put quill to parchment! Percy: Yeah, it's the comic book version.  It's good though, man.  Absolutely full of history. Nancy Bobofit gives them a disgusted look. Chiron : (Reading from comic book) Zap, pow, kersplat, die in bed you  Trojan pig-dog, gnyarrg, kerpow.  I see they've remained faithful to  the original text.  I'm sure Virgil would have approved. Nancy Bobofit: It's the only thing he's ever read  that doesn't have lift-up flaps. Percy: I dunno though.  This wooden horse of Troy malarkey, I'm not  buyin' that. Chiron: It's one of the most famous military maneuvers in history! Percy: I mean, the Greeks have been camped outside Troy, kerpowing,  zapping, and kersplatting the Trojans for the best part of a decade,  yeah? Chiron: So? Percy: So all of a sudden they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks are  gone.  And there outside the city walls they've left this gift; this  tribute to their valiant foes:  a huge wooden horse, just large enough  to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave  adequate room for toilet facilities?  Are you telling me not one Trojan  goes, "Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy.  What's wrong  with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?" No, they  don't -- they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night!  People that stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped and kersplatted in  their beds!  You know what the big joke is?  From this particular phase  in history we derive the phrase, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," when  it would be much more logical to derive the phrase, "Beware of Trojans,  they're complete smegheads!" Nancy Bobofit: Well, thank you, A.J.P.  Taylor.

First day at Arkham

Penguin:One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.

 Riddler: Was he any help? 

 Penguin: Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, "Showing compassion to inmates". 

 Riddler: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice? 

 Penguin: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.

 Riddler: What did he say?

 Penguin: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up,too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head. Everything is ruined. My career's over, I've no goal, no hope, no life. 

 Riddler: Yeah, but how come that's started to get you down now?

 Penguin: Maybe you hadn't noticed, but we're going to spend the next two years in the brig? Two years with the scum of the universe, hardened criminals, people so unbalanced and debauched they could even get elected as President of the United States. We've got to escape! 

 Riddler: How! There're security cameras everywhere. You know that mad geezer with the one eye and the funny tic? He said it was impossible.

 Penguin: Well he's bound to say that, he was the warden! If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with. 

 Riddler: You defended yourself?

 Penguin: unfortunately, yes.

Secret date at Arkham

*Riddler and Penguin's secret date at Arkham*

 Oswald: *walks into Abandoned warehouse* 

Mmm!!! Something smells good! What is it? (Sniffs.) It's me! I love this aftershave! (Spins round, palms outturned, then goes to the table.) 

 Edward: You are five minutes away from the greatest meal of your life. 

* Oswald now stands behind the table, which has candles on it, as well as various medical supplies*

 Oswald: Hey, you've really made an effort here! Where'd you get all this stuff?

 Edward: I just got sick and tired of using plastic knives and forks, so I broke to the medical wing and nicked some gear. 

 Oswald: (Picking a scalpel off the table, disgustedly) This is a scalpel! I'm supposed to cut my food with a scalpel? Something that has been inside someone's guts? 

 Edward : It's all been cleaned; it's all been washed; it's clean. 

 Oswald: (As he approaches Edward ) ...something that, long ago in history, may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation? I'm supposed to eat with this? 

 Edward: (Taps Oswald's cheek with the back of his hand with each beat.) Get the onion salads out of the fridge!

 Oswald: (Stops as he sees the sign on the refrigerator.) "Embryo Refrigeration Unit?!" Edward : How many times...? It's clean! It's been cleaned! 

* Oswald opens the refrigerator door, muttering "onion salad" as he scans the contents of the refrigerator.*

  Edward : They're in the kidney bowls, next to the colostomy bag with the chilli sauce in it.

* Oswald removes the two kidney bowls, rather disgustedly.*

  Edward has finished his cooking . 

Edward : Here we go, here we go!Yahoo! Come on, come on! It's ready! Sit down, sit down! (Putting a plate down at his seat) One kebab for me ... (putting the other plate at Oswald's seat) ... and one kebab for you . 

*They sit down.*

  Oswald folds a serviette into his collar. Edward holds up an enormous metal cylindrical object.

 Edward : (Offering) Lemon juice?

Oswald: (Pointing at the object) What the hell is that?

 Edward : It's a syringe. 

 Oswald : What kind of syringe?

 Edward : It's for cows -- artificial insemination. It's been washed; it's clean; it's all been sterilised. I have no idea why they had it there. Do you want lemon juice or what? 

 Oswald : (Removes the serviette.) Ahem. Excuse me. (Stands.)

 Edward : (Baffled) What? What about the meal? 

 Oswald : This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy! 

Edward : It's only the starter! What about the main course? Oh, charming. (Picks up a urine-sample bottle of wine and begins to pour it into a beaker.) I dunno. You pull out all the stops ... you make an effort ... try and do something with a little bit of extra class, and where does it get you? (Drinks the wine.) Mmm, very cheeky. End

Sherlock and Watsons' romantic trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went out into the wild. In the evening, tired they lay in the tent. Holmes woke up at night, nudged Watson, and when he woke him, he says

Sherlock: Look at this

*points at sky above them*

What do you say?

Watson: *looks at the sky* from an astronomical point of view, I would say that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. I guess the time is 3:15 am. The meteorologist would say we'll have some nice weather tomorrow. And what does the sky tells to you?

Sherlock: No, John, it's a lot easier. It only means someone stole our tent.

Hazel and Nico have never seen Star wars

 You guys.

Hazel and Nico dont know  about Luke’s dad.

…What did that Argo II movie night look like?

“Okay, we’ve got historical events and music so far. What movies do Hazel and I need to see?” Nico asks, breaking out his notebook.

“Some Like It Hot,” Leo says immediately.

“Robin Hood,” Frank puts in, to no one’s surprise.

Nico smiles. “Errol Flynn?”

“Men in Tights.”

“…Okay.”

Piper looks up from where she’s curled in an armchair. “The Sound of Music?”

Frank snorts. “I think he might object to the singing Nazis, Pip.”

Nico just raises an eyebrow. “Singing Nazis?” That one goes on the list.

“Ooh, in that case, Pearl Harbor,”  Percy says.

A chorus of groans and protests meet his statement.

“What? I kind of want to see his head explode.”

Nico does not put that one on the list. “Anything else?”

“Star Wars,” Annabeth says, without looking up from her laptop.

The room goes silent.

“What?”

“Ann, you’re a genius,” Percy breathes.

Jason smiles. “We are in the presence of the last unspoiled persons in the entire country.”

Leo’s eyes light up. “Oh my god, he doesn’t know that Vader is–”

Annabeth has him in a choke-hold before anyone realizes she’s moving. “Not another syllable.”

Leo raises his hands in surrender, and Annabeth loosens her hold. “What the hell was that about?” he wheezes.

She nods at Percy, whose face turned red.

"spoilers make him angry"

How Chiron found Nico is Gay

Chiron (to Annabeth and Percy): Dont you guys know why is Nico upset? He is impossible to read. It´s  like “what is that guy thinking “ you know?

Annabeth: I can read him , and if anyone can figure out what´s bothering him , it´s me. He and I are exactly the same. Except that i am older , american and straight

Chiron: Nico di Angelo is not gay.

(Annabeth and Percy looking in disbelie)

Chiron: Nico di Angelo is gay?

Annabeth: Seriously man, just retire.

Octavian: *gets on one knee*

Reyna: Oh my gods, it's finally happening!

Octavian: *falls down*

Reyna: The poison is kicking in.

DAM IT! Im reading The House of Hades , and i find this. Gods hates me .

SO I HAVE NEVER READ TBM BUT APPARENTLY A CHARACTER DIES BUT I WONT SAY WHO BECAUSE SPOILERS

IS THIS STILL A SPOILER?????? JASON’S BEEN DEAD FOR A YEAR NOW