It’s Valentine’s Day and the only thing I can think of is this solar eclipse coming up in April. It’s on my birthday! What a great present, first of all. And how lucky am I that it’s passing over my state at all, let alone my house! The roads are going to be packed with tourists trying to see, and all I have to do is go outside and sit in my yard with my eclipse glasses (which my husband has been saving for years). I’m so excited.

Haven’t been on here much lately, I’ve been so overwhelmed with life.

I quit cannabis a week ago. I’ve been a daily smoker for ten years. It’s not been as hard as I thought in terms of cravings, but the habit of using it as a way to relax, to escape - that’s been hard. Emotionally it’s been a bit of a roller coaster. I feel disregulated and off, but I also feel like I’m coming back to who I truly am, who I was before I started smoking. It’s nice to know that I’m still me underneath all the haze.

At the same time, Dave has quit alcohol to try and be healthier as well. He is feeling the same as me, just a bit off and sad at the change in habit. We both know our quitting is for the best, and the first two weeks will be the hardest, and I am hopeful and mostly confident we can make it through.

I called in sick to work until Thursday. I can’t smell or taste and I’m coughing a bunch. Bair is coughing too but seems to be okay otherwise. Toddlerhood is really hard, both for the kid and for the parents. The constant whining and screeching is really starting to wear me down, and I dropped him off with my father-in-law for a couple hours today just so I could get a break. And I got a bunch of things done, so that was really nice.

We’re not doing anything for Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Last weekend we dropped Bair off at my dad’s and stayed at the nicest hotel in our city, and went to a very lovely dinner at the fancy French bistro in town. It was very connecting and we had a wonderful time. I don’t feel sad that we aren’t celebrating Valentine’s Day proper, but I did get him a card from me and Bair just because I love giving cards.

That’s it really. I hope without cannabis I will be more clearheaded and motivated, with a stronger work ethic. It’s already happening I think; right after we put Bair down I put away my laundry, did the dishes, and cleaned the kitchen, all before sitting down to watch my sports. I’m proud of that.

Bair has been waking up ridiculously early (~6am) since he decided he was going to really walk on Monday. So I set my alarm for 5:30 this morning so I could make sure to get a shower and some time for myself before he got up. Now it’s 6:40 and he has not made a peep 🙄 I could have slept longer!!

I’m coaching the middle school Jr. Iron Chef team this year! I’m so excited and I adore all the kids on my team. They decided to make poke bowls and worked hard to pull a recipe together. Their first practice went great, the bowls looked and tasted delicious, even if a little salty (something to work on for next practice!). Bair was with me and he ate so much that he didn’t want any of the dinner Dave made for him when we got home!

We realized last night that both of Bair’s last binkies have holes bitten in them, which makes them choking hazards and we can’t use them anymore. We were only using it for bedtime but I was worried it was going to be a struggle for him to fall asleep without it. It hasn’t! Tonight is the second night he’s fallen asleep no problem without the binky. Feeling grateful!!

Cranberry coffee cake, made with a can of sauce I had in the pantry left over from the holidays!

The streusel topping especially is soooo good.

I tried to enlist Bair’s “help” but he was more interested in generally being a pain in the butt.

Homemade mayo is easy and cheap and more delicious than store bought! I make mine with avocado oil 🥑

This sandwich I put it on has smoked turkey, cheddar, arugula, and cranberry sauce. So delicious.

Depression and anxiety have deep holds on me right now. I can’t seem to get out of my own head and stop thinking about how shitty I am. My husband is sick of me, I’m sick of me, and I just want to crawl in a hole.

Scrolling to distract myself helps temporarily, but I need to use my time more productively too. I took a bath and had some relax time.

Baby woke up, I took him to get raw milk (an hour drive) and he screamed the entire time. It was awful. I thought he was going to cry so hard he’d throw up like he did a few weeks ago. By the time we got home I had basically shut down from overstimulation. I pickled some onions and tried not to go crazy. My husband took the baby and I just went to McDonald’s and sat and ate shitty food and watched the Ravens game on my phone.

I need a break. Like a real break.

Lunch prep for the next three days.

Next ADHD project to tackle: laundry. Now that I feel comfortable building good habits and routines, I want that to extend to my laundry system, and then eventually my closet. No more dirty clothes by the bed, no more clean clothes waiting to be put away, I know I can do this. It starts this weekend! I will put away my clean clothes tomorrow, and I will do my dirty laundry on Saturday.

I’ve worked so hard for this feeling of contentment. So many tears and emotions and so much pain has gone into becoming who I am now, and who I will continue to become. But right now, I am so content, and yet there is a niggling fear that it won’t last, or that it will be gone before I’ve had time to implement good habits and routines.

As I was writing that, I realized how glad I should feel that I am capable of this contentment, and capable of this level of planning and care. There is continued room for improvement, but for the first time I feel happy with where I am, and proud of my progress. Even my self talk is becoming more positive.

I look forward to this week, and working hard to make it a good one.

Tonight’s dinner: bison lasagna

A great holiday. Even though the baby was whining, I only felt the beginnings of frustration throughout a few bits of the day. I got school work done, I made two different types of ice cream, I got a good workout in, and I feel ready and prepared for the week still. No Sunday (Monday) scaries here today!

Just finished a delicious lasagna and am letting it cool before I serve it to my lovely family. I am happy.

I keep remembering I have tomorrow off and getting so happy over and over again. It’ll be a day closer to Friday when I start the week!

I planned out the whole week today, including meals, and I’m really proud of it. I feel prepared. For the most part. I have some work to do tomorrow but it’s not too much.

Tomorrow I also plan on baking. I want to make something with the cranberry sauce I have in the pantry. Maybe a cranberry coffee cake.

Poor baby is sick. This is his first time being sick in his 16 months of life! As such, my mama heart is breaking. He’s really just tired and snotty and has a little cough, and isn’t much different from his normal self, but I’m staying home with him tomorrow anyway. Normally I would just bring him to school with me and teach anyway, but that feels near impossible with him being sick.

But he went down without a fuss at bedtime like usual! I got a workout, some good connecting time with Dave, and now I’m sitting on the couch eating raw milk chocolate ice cream that I made and watching some trash tv before bed. Baby’s cold aside, today has been a damn good day.

The wind is going crazy! I can hear it outside. The app says gusts are up to 48mph.

I am feeling immense gratitude to be tucked up in my cozy little house.

The reservoir was beautiful today.

Sunday breakfast.