League of Legends Helps me.

Hello again,

Lately I've been playing lots of league of legends so I can feel like I've accomplished something and make me feel good about myself. And I got greedy and let LoL take over my life for the past few days.... I've put off sooo many days that I could've spent looking for more jobs and practicing my craft.....

Last night, I had quite a boring dream. A lot of my teachers was in it.. What I got from the dream is the realization that I say the word "dream" a lot. I personally don't know what dream/goal I have. Many would say that my "dream" is to make it in the art business or what ever. But no. I would like to agree with that. But I do not feel strongly about that kind of "dream" at all. What I focus more are making actual money with the actual time that I spend on ANYTHING. I would like to be able to support and remain happy at the same time. I had to quit my job at kmart because the thought of spending more time and energy for work over spending them on school things seems very sad. Considering how much money was spent on schooling. When I did quit my job, my schooling got a tiny bit better. THat's what i want to believe/say anyways. During my second year of school, I got a job at antique shop and we mainly take, edit, and upload photos onto ebay and sell the products that we were assigned to. It was easy work. I manged to keep my work life and school life in tact. But my personal life is a different story. The 4 months September and onwards were one of the darkest times in my life..... Emotionally and literally. My family was living with no electricity for months. We got to stay at my cousin's house for a bit but it created some drama with our relatives and things didn't end good.... And a certain someone in my family cause the rest of us to feel shitty and angry all the time because he got kicked out of school twice for obvious reasons. And I had immense tooth pain for months and well all of the above AND this didn't make my schooling go so well and making money too.......... I managed to keepy my personal life a secret but it obviously surfaced in someways when my teachers noticed how poorly I was doing. When you are doing art, a lot of people would think that we artists channel all our emotions into our works. But sometimes that's not the case. I obviously was going through hard times. I failed badly in classes and the only thing that kept me sane was work life. There were a lot of shitty things happening. And it kept me busy with my thoughts. I was quite a deep thinker soo I kept most of the words to myself. I didn't say anything to almost anyone because it was embarrassing. I did get to explain things to the faculty members. But yea.. embarrassment kept me from speaking a word of anything. It sucks being a human.

These days, I still don't say much things/ speak my mind fully. I currently try not to say things because I'm afraid that people will think I am crazy. I feel this way because I've recently had a lot moments where I was the only one that believes a certain thing and that I get denied and my thoughts were invalid for people's reasonings that I know nothing of. And they won't provide some insight so I can understand their approach to THEIR understanding a bit more. I would really like to know why they would think that. For me, I like to have things I can use to connect the dots with, not just a blank answer with no body to support it.

What I want is that people fucking agree with me base on facts that are obviously true. I just want to fuck'n feel like I am not a lone with my opinions.I want to fuck'n feel like my opinions are completely invalid because it makes no sense to them. I want to fuck'n know that there are people who shares the same thoughts as me. Cuz I fuck'n feel like I'm just fuck'n alone. And it angers me sooo much!!! It leads me to constantly  say, "Hah....maybe it's just me... Guess I'm crazy then....".

People say that geniuses are most often crazy them selves......And if that's true, then isn't it sad? To be alone with your "answers" and ideas and thoughts because just an utter of them might make people think you are crazy.

Another thing I want is people to cut it with the fuck'n bullshit!!! Also!! WHen you are friends with someone, it is best to stay kind to them and not stab them in the back when they are getting hurt. I just don't fuck'n understand friendships anymore!! I jsut don't fuck'n get it!!! I recently realized why I have trust issues with friends. I just fuck'n expect too much!!! APPERENTLY!!!! What I go off by are the common traits of a "friend".

1) Is there to cheer you up/ someone you can talk to about your problems. ((WHich I don't feel like I get any at all because for some reason, I don't ever feel like troubling my friends with my negative emotions....))

2) Is suppose to make you happy all the time.

and many more that I've forgotten about.........

And it's just my luck that I don't have anyone that "Follows" that guideline...... Does that mean that i never had an actual friend before???? If that is so, then I've been living a sad life.............

Blog: Progression (11/12/2013)

Hey there again. I am literally crashing right now cuz I barely got any sleep last night due to the same reasons as usual.. So I stayed up, played a tiny bit of games and drew for hours. I feel exhausted. Now I'm just taking a break from helping my mom clean the kitchen. ((Then grease on the stove is being a bitch getting off!!.......)) Anyways, what I want to talk about right now is where I'm at now in my progression. I've been drawing constantly for hours every single day and I still don't feel like I've progressed at the pace that I want to...... haven't been looking for that much job too..... So I'm probably gonna be broke for a bunch more weeks.... A miracle could be me getting a job or commissioned by several people. That way I can last a bit longer. But then, it's too early in my career to have any such miracles. I will have to work on progressing even more and faster. Time is of the essence after all. There's no time to just sit around and watch shows and stuff. I take an hour of break every now and then so that I won't be messing up on my drawings...... What I feel like doing is just cry fuck'n loud! lolll in soo much pain right now!! haha ffffucck!! haha................................... But meh!!! alskfjaskjflakdfja ............... Guess I'll just keep going........I guess....... ((again)).........SIGH!!!!!!!

Blog: What I Want.... (11/4/2013)

What I want is to be able to provide for my family the things they want and need. I want to be able to spoil the shit out of them. I want to freak'n make every single one of them as happy as possible. If I were making good money, I could do that. But it doesn't look like I will be able to do that anytime soon.....Soo I am trying my very best to work as hard as possible. To improve my skills as much as I can. Shedding blood and tears every single night. Over working myself, staying up for hours thinking of the next step in improvement. I have to do everything I can to make what I want come true! I just have to!! I am not doing all this just because someone told me to, I'm doing all this at my own will. My family isn't rich or even average. We're poor. And Money does make people happy. When you're busy working really hard, you don't get to spend as much time with them as you want. And in the mean time while we're all working, it's always nice to have the money to go out with them on our free times and just eat together. Even if none of us say anything, it's always nice to just go out and do that. Part of my insomnia is due to this "stress" that is affecting conflicting emotions. I honestly don't have anyone to talk to about this and of course I don't have any money to seek a shrink. I have friends, but there is only so much I'll allow them to take in. I don't even think they need any drama at all as well! It's better for them if they don't have part in my emotions. I will do what I can to stay alive and not let my emotions be the last of me. Anyways, I am done for now and I have my cup noodles waiting for me. See ya!

Blog: Respect and Shit. (10/28/2013)

Mood: ________________

Okay I'm just fuck'n angry. I've known for a while that my friends have no respect for me at all. And I probably know do know why they shouldn't give me any respect. But I do try my best at things. I do work hard. I try to not take it personally when random strangers gives me more respect than people who are suppose to be. I try to not give a damn at all. Because I will work even harder and do more to earn my friend's respect. People who I've ever worked with at a job would always tell you that I'm such a frreak'n hard worker and I don't ever rant about it. I just take things as a job and just accept things as they are. Work is work. Right now, I'm demanding that my friend's give me respect that I "deserve" cause clearly I don't deserve any. Maybe they do give me some credit when they see me trying hard. But I guess knowing that, that's all I'm getting. Just a bit of credit.... It just makes me want to prove my worthy even more. I spend countless hours getting better at things and I don't ever feel accomplished or deserve of a praise because one thing keeps popping up through my mind. "Hmmm is my friend gonna like this?" "I should deserve some praise from this friend right?" "Should I even give a damn that someone sees these things I make not worth analyzing?" "Oh mkay, I guess I'm done with this, gonna work on the next thing. Mkay."

It just fuck'n fustrates me. And the anger just keeps building and building.... I just can't fuck'n handle these thoughts anymore! "Don't care what other people say!" Welll ummm..... The problem is that they don't say anything. But when they do, it just sounds like they're just coming up with something to say. nice or not nice.  "Aww......that's cute"............ Just sigh! SIGH!! SIGH! SIGH! SIGH! SIGH! And it's soooo easy to tell what they are feeling about you and your stuff. Just no..... Just spare me from this and just not be friendly with me........... I do know what I need to work on and my weaknesses....... Not looking for a critique.....Or a constructive criticism. When I show you something I made, just don't kill me by saying that's nice or adorable. And change the subject!! Some of my friend's refuses to follow me and what I do..... So...... Should I kill myself over that? Most certainly. I've already have. By me writing this rant about friends and respect. And how much I have...... Sooo um yea....

Bye!!!!!

Blog: Changes..... (10-22-2013)

Mood: meh

Listening to: I still love you- Suzy

Games: Pokemon Y, Animal Crossing

Shows: Revenge, Once Upon A Time

Hey guys~ Just an update, my life is getting a bit better.... I'm not as frustrated anymore about things... Gained an obsession to Chai Tea! Doing things, applying for new jobs. Eating more. Yup! I'm a bit happier~ :)

Blog: My Emotional Dream (9/29/2013)

Mood: Shitty as hell!

Music: None!

Weather: Stupid fucking depressisng raining outside....

Time: 6:59am

Okayguys.................... I just woke up from the worst dream I canpossibly have!!! My mum died in my dreams and I got to live the next several dream days without her and it was the most saddest emotional dream I've EVER had. It was SOOO fucking hard to bear. Just what the f'ing fuck! And obviously when I woke up, there were tear stains on my pillow............ fuck this shit............

In my dream, my mother and I was sitting across a table from each other and she suddenly flew away into millions of dust. And it felt like I lost my mother. I didn't know how feel about it. It just happened suddenly. I sat there still on my chair, being silent because I didn't know how to react to what just happened. I mean she just crumbled into millions of dust (it looked more like sand......).......... I just don't fucking know... And after that, I just got off my chair and fell down on my knees and begin to cry like I never fucking cried before. Like a piece of my heart has been taken away from me....... It was sooo fucking emotional and dumb as fuck........Just what the fucking hell!! Fuuuck!!

And then several scenes after that, there were a scene of little brother and sisters. My sister was sitting in a couch turned away from me and my brother while we were talking about how the weather is right now. I pulled out some kind of techonology that had a screen that shows you how far thunderstorms are from eachother and from you. The thing glowed soo much! There were indications of thunderstorms every where. And there were tons right in the same location. And that was near us. It was really windy and rainy outside too. It's like we were trapped in the house by the stupid storm.Thunderbolts was being sent down a lot in one location ((which is near our house)) and some several places from ours. It was the worst weather evar!!

During events of my dream(s), I tried to make a facebook status saying "My mother has passed away". And I was never able to make the post so I can fish for some sympathy and "ohh... I'm sorry"(s) There were things that was me from being able to actually make the post. While I was typing, while I was about to click post. I was always interrupted........................................................ WHAT A USELESS SCENE!!!!!!!!!

JUST FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! fuck everything!

Now back to stupid dumb reality, I know what caused this dream. No I did not want my mother to die cuz I'm not dumb! We were fighting the evening before I slept and dreamt. How my sister got into my dream? Simple, they got home very much late and I got to hear them closing the front door loudly and hearing them talk for a bit and went back to sleep. Plus, the rain was being really loud outside. Anyways FUCK THIS SHIT!!

Blog: Happiness (9-22-2013)

Hello again. It's me.

I've been watching this show called Secret Millionaire on hulu. It's a show where millionaires go undercover for a whole week and live in a poor undeveloped neighborhood to find heroes and the small unfortunate people to donate a portion of their fortune to. It's just an amazing show. I was gonna ramble on about the same stupid shit but I'm going to spare you guys from them. I find myself happy all the time. Always smiling. And at the end of the day, feeling shitty as ever and angry. It could be because that I feel the need to smile all the freak'n damn time. Like it's a neccessity to be the smiley and happy self that everyone around me knows me for. Maybe because I'd rather give off that kind of presence so that no one would ask if there is something wrong with me. I surely don't want to talk to anybody. I still just want to be alone so that I can be spared from feeling shitty as fuck all the time. Surrounding myself with people who don't give a shit at all. And me having too much expectations in people. It's better if I don't have the minimum of expectation of anyone. That way I won't go like "huh, well there they go again.....hahaha....". I just need a lot of freak'n space so I can think. I don't need any pity or sympathy from anybody. I will always get back on my feet and that's the truth. Knowing that someone has sympathy over me makes me feel like I should work a lot harder to brush off that sympathy they have.

I haven't been sleeping well at all. I am writing this depressing shit at 4:47am in the morning and listening to emotional songs just so that I can feel something. Haha. That's how sad it is right now. I've been drawing constantly non stop. I just can't stop till I get better and better.  I just have to be better than I was a week ago and the week before that. I just need to. I won't succeed just by sitting around.

PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THIS VIDEO!!! IT MADE ME FEEL A LIVE AND HOPEFUL AGAIN!!!!!!! ((many tears involved))

Hello (9/11/13)

Hello, It's been a while. I just can't sleep right now. Been up all night, and it is 6:13am right now.. I keep finding myself awake at this time of night. I've started taking insomnia pills but they they aren't working that great. (maybe because I've been only taking half of them...)

I am not in school, I've quit my job (in pursuit find a higher paying one and I've been constantly drawing and looking for a new job. I haven't been eating that well lately either, might be because when I draw, I just can't stop, I just have the impulse to put all my ideas down first before I do anything else or else it'll just go away. I've been drinking tons of water and Jasmine tea because I've been having a sinus infection for the past 4+ months that is killing me. I think I got it when I was in school and towards the end of the semester, I just worked really hard, and I was constantly relying on cups of coffees (Venti Mocha's) for a quick boost of energy and not eating or sleeping right. I was exausted every single day. And I got sick with bad allergies and I kept up the same routine with constant cups of coffee, work, school, personal issues, lack of sleep, lack of meals, I sorta broke myself...... Oh well. Now I can't have anything dairy or sweet/surgary or else my nose starts leaking thick sticky green mucus...

Every now and then, I would treat myself to things that makes me feel shitty just so that I can feel happy. Being sober from sweets and coffee just doesn't work for me. I just feel bitter if I don't have those things in my life. It's that simple.

I notice that I stutter a lot these days too. I got rid of my speech shyness in high school, but I guess it just came back. These days, I break tones when ever I talk. It's kind of sad.

I feel really lost these days. I just don't freak'n know anything anymore.

18 years > 50+ years

Hello Young People BRATS,

Did you know that you only have 18 years of childhood and 50+ years of adulthood? Did you know that? 'Cause I sure kind did!

Right now, I feel like I am the only person in my group age who is fuck'n scared as shit from aging. There ARE perks of growing older. One of them is buying things that you can't normally get when you're a kid, like certain video games or cigarettes or whatever. BUT, if you haven't realized already, you only have 18 years of being a freak'n kid. Why do any of us want to grow older or be an adult anyways? Why hurry at all? I know that everyone has their situations and shit but I believe that everyone needs to stay as young as much as they can. Once you're an adult, you start to forget things, and you lose your ambitions as the years go by. I'm not the one to speak, since I've already lost some, so I can't help being a downer right now. Just think about it! Cuz I do that all the time! When I turned 18, I was freak'n devastated, I got so freak'n depressed that it was un-curable, and all that depression just rolled over when I turned 19. The years go by so fast and it's something you just can't control. Right now, I definitely feel like promoting YOLO right now because it's definitely killing me. Some of my friends were like calm the F down. And you know what? It's just impossible. It really is impossible. I CAN'T calm down. This fear of getting older that causes me to feel depressed all the time. I don't even no why I have this fear of getting older. One reason I can think of right now, is that, the older I get, the older my parents get, and as all of us may know, humans has limits. We all can't live forever. I know that once they pass away, I will eventually except it, OR GO MAD. But it's really scary when you see that as each of your day is going by, your parent's days are reaching their ends. And to add to that, I am really scared of losing my mother, because she literally IS the only adult in my life who actually took care of me. My other relatives don't even give an F. My family have faced many hard times and my mother have been struggling so damn much to keep us sheltered and fed. And the thought of losing someone that important to me is so freak'n damn unbearable! And I literally did come close to feeling like my whole world had ended when my mom almost died right on front of my eyes. I literally had say my last words to her at that very moment....It was very difficult. But by what miracle, she made it through. And after that, I guess my obsession about  making the most out of every moment had grew even more.Which leads me back to being young.

Another example is my little brother. Yesterday he was being extremely cute and adorable, playing with his action figures and whining and playing yugioh cards with me. And now, he is doing drugs, sneaking out to hang with ghetto people, and being super ghetto as hell. And to top it off, he's a pain! F the expression "people grow", no just no! That's just f'in ridiculous!

Anyways, I am ending it right here here! If 18 years >50+ years doesn't make you guys think right now, then right it on your arm or something! It should be clear enough!

18 > 50+ is my stand on age. the first 18 years is soo important and crucial and it's sooo short, that's why it should be worth more than the next 50+ years.

7:22pm 6-7-13

Me Without You

Listening to: Me Without You by Sam Tsui

Hello, it is 4am in the morning. I don't know why I am still up right now, but I am. I bought this song and another song on itunes by this artist, and those songs just gave me soo much thoughts that's just keeping me wide awake right now. I have to go to work in a few hours and I should need to sleep.. But oh well. I was planning to buy myself a cup of mocha later anyways.

Anyways. This song, Me Without You, it just makes me feel even more lonely. From time to time, occasionally, I would be sympathetic about myself and tell myself that I would accept being alone for the rest of my life. That's what I tell myself anyways.. But at the end of the day, I am human after all, and like all humans, we all need company and attention. I feel like it is literally impossible to live without someone to be around with, whether it's a friend, family or a lover. I am just 20 years old right now, but I think way too much about things like these. Like how would my older self feel if I don't do this or do that, and it really does scare me. One of the things that scares me, is ending up alone. Now I know that I'll have friends, not too sure if I'll still have my current ones or not, but I don't want to end up alone at all. Truthfully, I do care about these things. No matter how weird I act, deep down, maybe it's all just a cover up or an act so that I won't have to face actual feelings towards someone. I do have trust issues and it IS hard to get through to the actual me. If I could sing, I would totally express myself a lot more that way, but with words, I am just really useless, so don't expect any straight forward words coming from me.

As of right now, I can't imagine myself being with anyone at all and I would totally like to see myself to prove it wrong. I've had a crush in high school, and un-naturally, I forced myself to forget her around the same time I forced myself to forget everyone else in my life and started a new bank or friends. Yep, I had a crush on one of my female friends, she probably won't be reading this even though we're facebook friends and this WILL be linked on my facebook. Anyways, I am ending this here because I REALLY need to sleep and I just had to share my thoughts so MAYBE I can sleep now! Bye! Listening to Me Without You  and Don't Want An Ending.

06-06-2013

I feel a Bit Lonely Sometimes

I haven't wrote an entry for too long..

Welll I am out of school again and spending the summer working full time and practicing my craft.

I've been feeling a bit lonely lately. Seeing that everyone around me either being in a relationship or having a BFF to spend their times with. Me, I do have awesome friends to keep me entertained, but they're not with me all the time 'cause well, all of us are adults and we are all busy inventing our lives. But yea, I don't want to say anything that will make people think that I'm a "clinchy" type of person, because I am not. If I feel like I'm ever a "bother" or anything, I'd stay a bunch of feets away, that would explain why when some people act really nice towards me, I would calmly react back to their gestures or comments. Even if I am talking to a really close friend, and if it's mostly me excited about something in our shared fandom, I'd calm my emotions and excitement down back to zero and just be silent. And if I feel like am bothering a friend in person, I'd avoid them after that and just be silent. I am really weird that way, and I totally know when I should just back off.

I'm improving these things as times go by. But really, I really feel like it's better to switch from being fully close to that one friend to completely "ignoring them", staying cool and quiet for a bit.

I usually don't think about my actions and it really isn't helping me at all. So this is a start for me.......

5-15-2013

You Are More Beautiful Than You Think!

Man..I couldn't make a post yesterday, which was a little disappointing to me. But here goes....

If you haven't checked it you yet, a Dove soap commercial/PSA video has gone viral on YouTube. And the video shows that the way you see yourself isn't how the way others see you. Above are sketches made by an FBI forensics sketch artist. What they did was have the sketch artist sit behind curtains with a table, paper and pencil while the person describes what they look like. The artist then draws what he heard them describing themselves as. And the second time would be someone else describing what that person looked like from their point of view. And the results are pretty shocking. Because the images that was drawn from the strangers' descriptions came out a lot more hotter.

This really shows that we all see the uglier sides of ourselves and it is something that can't be helped because we know ourselves so well.. Well some of us does.

If I were to do this experiment, I don't think I would even be able to describe myself because I wouldn't really know what to say. I know that I have short-ish hair, male, has a bit of a bulgy eye, Asian, Vietnamese, big lips, big nose, breakouts, ugly teeth, round chin and most of the time has an emotion-less face. That's all I can really come up with. That's a bit sad, and it describes most other people.

Now that I am talking about this, I am really curious to what my other image would be. I really want to see what I look like through other people's eyes.

This is a really big secret and you're lucky to read what I'm about to say, but I am really insecure and I really care about my looks and I check myself out every chance I get. That's really sad and unhealthy, and I know that a lot of other people do that too, but still.. Every time (everyday) I walk pass some fancy clothing store window, I can't help but feel depressed. Most of the time is because they are all good looking clothes and what makes me feel like shit is the FACT that I can't wear them even if I had the money to spend on them. If you haven't already noticed, I am a pretty small person. Period. 

And now back to the hidden beauty thing, I feel like we all give ourselves less credit than we deserve. It's okay to be cocky or sassy every now and then because being sassy means that you are confident. It shows that you have attitude and it shows that you don't fall over that easily. I totally recommend this to everyone who feels insecure. If you say that you don't have the looks, you can still at least say that you have sass to make up for it. All anybody needs is confident in themselves. That's what I mostly look for in people.

Freak'n feel good about yourself because you are you! And you of all people should know what you deserve or don't deserve. Everyone has their own signs of beauty. Don't hurt yourself just because you like someone and they don't like you back 'cause they can't see the beauty inside you. And what people should start doing is complimenting everybody they see on others' looks. Who knows, that could even make someone's day and make them have more confident in themselves! That may even lower our country's depression rates!

I am running out of things to say now so I will leave it right here.

Dove Video: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/slideshow/dove-real-beauty-sketches-fbi-forensics-sketch-artist-18989575

I. A M. G E T T I N G. B E T T E R.

Today has sorta been a good day for me. The sky is nice, the weather is nice and I'm feeling a lot better. So I am happy. I don't what else to talk about today other than nice things a bout the weather.

It is really nice that I'm feeling a lot better today because I can be more productive tonight with school work and stuff. I am a bit hyper right now and I really feel like going home and doing a bunch of ink drawings. Ink drawings because I've recently been obsessed with drawing with ink. The way ink flows through the paper and the values you can get with the ink is just very beautiful to look at. I believe that I will make tons of works with this medium because I love it a lot. As of right now, I've been using the Sumi inks (Japanese calligraphy ink) my way. What I've been doing is sketch my images very lightly with ink lines and stuff with my brush, and just sizzle water and ink to where I desire values or lines. I don't really know how to explain my process because it just comes out naturally while I work. So far I've been only using Sumi and Walnut ink because those are the inks I've been using in class for my nude drawings.

Moving away from me babbling on about my current obsession with ink, I am deciding on whether to come back to school next semester. I would really like to come back for another year and do more art and become better, now that I've figured out somethings I want to do in art. I would really miss the people I attend classes with and the friends I've gained. And for sure, I absolutely want to graduate with my class because it is filled with so many amazing artists. And I just don't want to take a year off  and graduate with the current freshman's because I would be missing out what my friends are experiencing. So now I guess I really do want to stay for another year. But the lack of money, I don't know if I could. I could definitely take scholarships and grants and loans, but I am afraid that they will not be enough. sigh. But I'll see what the future holds for me, because as of right now, I do not know how to alter or somehow guide my future so that it leads to attending this school again. sigh.

Well, thank you for reading. And may your day be better than yesterday. Have a great one!

Song of the day:

60sec & Man In Love by Infinite

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paad0LjfueM

4-16-2013

The .G r a v i t y. song

For the past two months, I can't stop myself from listening to this song called Gravity written and performed by Sara Bareilles. I don't know what it is but I just feel really belonged whenever I listen to this song. It really mirrors how I am really feeling these days. Even though this song is about the singer's breakup with her boyfriend and that even though he was being the worst person ever, she just couldn't help but go back to what was bad and unhealthy to her. 

None of that applies to me but the meaning/ "words" of wanting to go back to something even if it's kills you every-time, might just be the reason why I feel connected to the song. This song feels so sweet but bitter at the same time and the singer made the song come to life with her voice. You can really feel the emotion running through every word she sings. And when ever she gets to the part where she sings "....but one thing I still know, is that you're keeping me......down......", that part always gets to me. It's like she is screaming and crying really loudly from the pain of knowing what she wants is killing her deep inside but she couldn't help but want it even more..

I know that I keep saying the same thing over and over again about this one song and what it's about. Maybe that's what draws me into the song. Maybe I'm just lying to myself.. I know for sure that I am not going through what she went through because I don't date. So what is making me feel so close to the song? I do find pleasure whenever she sings the big vocal notes. Maybe I find it pleasing to see someone crying. Maybe because I don't have the ability to cry or strength to cry and that's why when ever I hear those notes, it makes me feel like she is crying for me? Maybe that is it. Maybe it's because her singing says everything that I am feeling right now, in this little period of depression. Maybe I feel the need to hear someone say things truthfully.. 

I am now a bit exhausted from thinking too much about this.. And I know for sure that writing this is only making the song and this feeling less healthy for me.. So I will stop now and continue to live and breathe. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=rEXhAMtbaec

4-15-2013

First Post.

I've decided that I will do a daily blog post to gather my mind and just put thoughts down. Since I'm always plugging my earbuds into my ear a lot and always on social media sites, I find that this will do good for me. To just have time just to myself and just share things I think about all the time. I've realized that holding in so much thoughts in my head isn't healthy for me. There really isn't much people I can share things with, like actual thoughts. I have the faculties at school to talk with about things and they've been very supportive and that is one of the things I appreciate about going to school. But there are just somethings I can't say with spoken words... Please follow this blog as I try to make myself somewhat sane again... Thank You