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builtfromflowersandvines · 8 months

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Teal Deer: I’m reviewing every historical romance author I’ve read in 2023 so that I can get recommendations.

Never Again:

Amelia Gray - I’ve got zero time for this conservative pick-me-girl bullshit. The male protagonist actually said, “I like a girl with spirit.” You can’t have your protagonist saying the villain line, that’s gross. This shit is for my amusement. If I can tell how you vote by how you write, you’ve got to be voting like me. Did not finish.

Jillian Hunter - I just can’t care about these assholes. The men are loud, boorish, selfish, clueless. They are a frat boy stereotype dressed in Regency clothes. I don’t remember the female protagonists, I read her a month ago. That’s pretty forgettable.

Maya Rodale - I don’t mind a little pop culture reference, here and there. However, writing a book that pulls *heavily* from Bridget Jones’ Diary (which is already referencing Pride & Prejudice) and Mean Girls? Really? When I saw the line, “On Wednesdays we wear pink” I threw the book across the room. I like light, effervescent, and fun, but this was dumb.

Elizabeth Hoyt - Grimdark as historical romance? Nah. If you show me a dark, brooding, bad man as the male protagonist, I’m not going to swoon guys. I find that shit exhausting. “I’m so evil, and a little mean” ok, well I’m bored. I will never find a Pure Woman’s Love Redeeming A Piece Of Shit Dude even a little compelling. Babygirl, he isn’t worth *that* amount of labor.

Rachael Miles - too boring to finish, too boring to remember.

Sabrina Jeffries - Her series have a mystery at the heart of them. You learn a little more about the mystery in each book in the series. Unlike Lady Sherlock, which is a Mystery series written by a Romance author, these are romances that have an element of mystery. She can’t always keep my attention. The juxtaposition of light-hearted romance and gritty mystery doesn’t always work. Her characters also run a bit immature. Actually after reading what I wrote, maybe she has disappointed me one too many times.

Eva Leigh - too boring to finish, too boring to remember.

Undecided:

Jayne Fraiser - Um… the story was alright. It was a little too focused on just the protagonists, the families and friendships are the reason I read these books. To not have many fleshed out characters was disappointing. Also, if you are going to have your protagonist have a career or a hobby, you have to know enough about that career or hobby. The book I read the female protagonist was a modiste. Y’all? I’ve read a fuck ton of these books and I have a degree in history and my history degree is mainly British history. She did not do enough research. That really does count against her.

Minerva Spencer - Witty. Constantly, exhaustingly witty. Your characters don’t need to cut up at each other all of the time.

Amalie Howard - I did enjoy this book. But. The characters and the slang are too modern. Progressive is fine. Actually, it is kind of necessary for me. To ignore the milieu, the culture, for the story doesn’t work for me. You cannot tell me that this Not Like Other Girls girl also gets zero flack for not being like other girls. It felt like there should be cell phones and social media and that is not what I’m looking for in a historical romance.

Olivia Waite - Loved it. But I’ve only read one. I need more information before I can make a determination. As an aside; I skim the sex scenes, they are usually more funny than hot. I want to know if they do/say/feel anything germane to the story while they do the deed. Um, The Lady’s Guide to Celestial Mechanics has some hot scenes. Sophie Irwin - Have only read one. It was good though. The female protagonist is pragmatic and flinty, I enjoyed that. Will have to read a couple more before I can truly determine the ranking

Christina Dodd - She has flashes of good writing. However, I’ve read 3 of them and her male protagonists are interchangeable and so are the female protagonists. All the dudes are high-handed, imperious assholes and all the ladies are *so conflicted* Also, not enough showing us who the characters are. Those flashes of good writing are tempting but…. The downsides are pretty down.

Shows Promise:

Johanna Lowell - If she fulfills her potential, she will be legend. She has something that not many authors have. How did they get so much story in so few pages? Terry Pratchett has it. Eloisa James has it. Looking forward to the next one, I really hope it is as good as the 2 I’ve read.

KJ Charles - Charming. Witty. There is often a mystery contained within the romance. Charles was the first m/m romance I’d ever read. It does approach sex differently than the m/f or w/w romances I’ve read. I was a little shocked at the pacing and the lack of tenderness. The only author that isn’t shelved in Erotica as opposed to romance that Charles reminds me of, is Susan Johnson. Her sex scenes also give me the same kind of whiplash. The story outside of the sex is amazing though. It is really taut, it feels more like mystery than romance.

Emily Sullivan - She is another author that, if she lives up to her potential, will be amazing. I’ve read 2 and I can’t wait for the third. The characters came alive on the page. She shows the realistic conflict of being progressive in the Victorian era. She doesn’t pretend that things were better than they were. But she also doesn’t feel bitter and hopeless. (one of the reasons it would be very hard for me to write a historical romance is because I wouldn’t be able to have the optimism about the future that the characters do)

Cat Sebastian - I loved one! And I didn’t finish the other. Really, I just need to start another and see where it goes. Their m/m romance was so good. (and had some tenderness, that was missing with KJ Charles)

I Enjoy Them But….

Elizabeth Boyle - She can be amazing, but she isn’t always. She has maybe 4 books that are chef’s kiss no notes good. The rest of them need some notes. There are a few phrases she beats like a dead horse. I understand that language amongst the upper ten thousand was very homogeneous, but not all of your characters should have the same phrases and cadences. Her characters also run a bit immature.

Kiernan Kramer - She is hit and miss. More hits than misses. The spying for the Home Office plotlines are fun, very fun, not at all believable. Which is fine. I don’t need it to get dark. It is something to keep in mind though because the cavalier way they are doing intelligence work would drive me insane in a more serious genre. These are light and fluffy and fun, she has never made me cry, but she has made me laugh.

Julia Quinn - this one is gonna be controversial. She is a hits and misses author though, no matter how popular she is. The Duke & I has an infamous scene that makes me rageful. I wish they would just communicate, sex and procreation are BOTH things that have to be consented to. When she is good, oh my word, she is so good. When she is bad, she is boring. (or in that specific instance, offensive) There are books of hers I would highly recommend, but she doesn’t have an entire series that I can recommend. And that is what takes her off of Legend. I want the whole series to be worth recommending and worth re-reading.

Julie Ann Long - She’s darling. Her books are so cute. They’re practically YA, except they absolutely have semi-graphic sex scenes. There is supposed to be Danger and Adventure, but I just think everyone is so adorable. I’m not sure I’m supposed to though. They aren’t very deep. They give me zero anxiety. I can’t remember any of her characters making me angry, maybe exasperated. Even the books I adore have characters I want to shake until their teeth rattle. Honestly having a good hateable character is key.

Victoria Alexander - Sometimes she’s charming. Occasionally she has a female protagonist who has not figured out that Independent Woman does not have to equal I Need No One! And that’s exhausting. Sometimes her male protagonists are a bit… dumb. A little dumb and a little ineffectual. Look, I’ve read other authors writing less than brilliant protagonists both male and female. It doesn’t usually feel like a dig. I just want her to expand her idea of what women might find empowering. I don’t need the men in my life to be less than me.

Liz Carlyle - Good character development. High drama. All the characters are so reactive. Fun to read, but I’m very happy that it isn't my life or my romantic relationship. She has had a few male characters who I just could not hang with. All romances will make you want to shake the protagonists and yell, “just fucking truthfully communicate!” Liz Carlyle has that in spades. You might stroke out from frustration with all the lying and secret keeping.

Erica Ridley - I’ve only read The Wild Winchesters series. It’s really fucking good though. One of the books in the series is a sapphic love story. I’d love to put her on top tier or legendary status, I just haven’t read enough books by her to know if she is consistent in this kind of quality.

Evie Dunsmore - I’ve read the 3 books she has published, and I have enjoyed all of them. The characters are complex. There is so much more than just a romance going on. I appreciate a well done subplot. I do expect to reread her. She has the hallmarks of my favorite romance authors; complex characters, the characters have an/a estate/career/hobby/passion, there are subplots, the friendships are almost as fleshed out as the romantic relationship.

Vivienne Lorret - Light, good, fun, strains my suspension of disbelief at times (yes, even more than usual). I’ve read about 8 or so, they’re like m&ms. I’ve only given up on one of them, those aren’t awful odds actually. Great friendships and sisterhoods. She is another author that feels a little YA other than the graphic sex.

Mimi Matthews - Lots of promise. Her research does need to get a little tighter, making a historical error really will pull me out of a book. She has not done anything as off-putting as the book that had the egregious error of having Bonnie Prince Charlie in the wrong century, but this is not the genre to write in if you aren’t going to get the details right. Her characters are charming! Her friendships are well-written. There is a lot of potential, the books I’ve read were really good. I just want a little more, something isn’t quite hitting.

Top-Shelf:

Sherry Thomas - Okay, to be fair, I haven’t read any of her romance novels this year. I’ve read her mysteries. She was a romance author first though so I’m including her anyway. The Lady Sherlock series is the best mystery series I have ever read. And I love a good mystery; historical mysteries, cozy mysteries, I like them. Reading a mystery that was written by a romance author made a perfect pairing. I get all the details about the clothes, food, friendships, gossip, and I get an intelligent mystery along with it! Heaven. I have read her romances but it has been a minute. Go read the Lady Sherlock series, immediately.

Sarah MacLean - Oh Damn. She is on her way to Legend status. Seriously. No notes. Her legendary status really is just a matter of time. She has been publishing since 2009, I have yet to read a book by her that wasn’t top shelf goods. Now I haven’t read her YA, she does write both. Her books intended for adults do not remind me of YA. There is a fair amount of darkness. The graphic is pretty graphic. 9 Rules to Break is one of my favorite romance novels of all time.

Lisa Kleypas - See, this breaks my heart a little. If it weren’t for her first few books, Lisa Kleypas would be up on Legend. Those first couple books have genuinely repulsive male leads though. I stopped reading one of them on the fifth page, I was appalled. (I do not need the protagonists to be someone I would be interested in. I do need them to be someone I’d trust with an uncovered drink though). HOWEVER, starting at Again The Magic published in 2004, she has not had a miss. Genuinely she is one of the best! It just took her a decade of publishing to hit her stride.

LEGENDARY:

Loretta Chase - one of 2 authors that I will read what they published before 1999. Look, when it comes to consent if it is not a “Hell Yes!” it is a “Fuck NO!” if the protagonists aren’t being crystal clear about consent that does not fucking appeal to me. Loretta does not ever have a problem with her male protagonists blowing past consent. That is really important to me. Loretta Chase has likable characters. She can make a character who I would hate in real life and make them an appealing person. I would never want to date any of these characters, but I’d love to be friends with them. Her Dressmakers series is the best example of a realistic idea of what would happen were someone in trade to marry into the upper classes. I’m a huge fan of the Fallen Women duo because of course I am. Her adventures genuinely feel like adventure, some romance authors never quite manage to get the light and dark to balance, Chase does so well at it. She has variety, some authors write the same couple every damn time just giving them different names. That is not a problem here.

Jo Beverley - The other romance writer that I will read what she wrote before 1999. When it comes to action adventure, James Patterson has nothing on Jo Beverley. I have read every single book in The Malloren World, Company of Rogues, and Three Heroes at least 3 times. Three Heroes and Company of Rogues are linked. The villains are bad to the bone and scary believable. Actually that is why I rarely recommend her to others. Almost all romances will have a trauma to make the character more complex and deeper and such, most of that happens before the book starts. The characters' behaviors and motivations are informed by their trauma. In Jo Beverley books you might be there for the traumatic event. I love having action adventure where I get to know what people are wearing, and eating, and gossiping about. A lot of action adventure is really boring because it is all a lone man up against…. whatever, he is already boring me. In Jo Bev books there are often several people working together, women and men, to fight the good fight and I find that far more compelling. Again, I don’t want to be in any of these tumultuous relationships where the ladies are high spirited and the men are high handed, but damn are they fun to read. I do love these books so fucking much! They are well written, witty, smart, complex, fun, funny, but unless you can handle murder and sexual assault as plot elements I would not recommend them. There are other traumas too, but if you can handle the biggies, I’m not worried about the lesser traumas. Again, she is one of the best, she is one of my favorites, I hope if you read her you love her too. Just head’s up and be aware.

Mary Balogh - the Queen of hobbit romances! Hobbit romances is a phrase Nathan came up with when I told him some of my favorite romances don’t have a big blow up of a conflict, they have people getting to know one another and figuring out how or if they fit in each others lives, there is usually like hurt feelings and miscommunication but no major dust ups between the protagonists. The trauma is usually something from outside and they face it together. These are my favorite kind of romances, they are the only ones where I maybe… might… put myself in the shoes of the protagonists. When I read I like to be an invisible demigod that is experiencing the story but not participating. Just like almost everything I prefer observation to participation. But the hobbit romances, those I might dip my toe in for. Not all of her romances are hobbit romances, but most of them are. Her characters are more fully realized than the top of Maslow’s hierarchy ok? I know them better than I know several of you. I could go gift shopping for these characters, I know them that well. Mary Balogh is a damn genius at fully fleshed out and perfectly formed characters. Her families are my families. I would (and did) start at One Night for Love published in 1999. The Bedwyns, the Dudleys, the Huxtables, the Westcotts, I love these families! They provide all the positive family feels without y’know actually having to interact with family. I also adore the simply series that is four teachers and friends who work together all finding love. I LOVE the Survivor’s Club!! I thought I was going to have to opt out because of my own PTSD issues but no. These are powerful moving books but they do deal with warfare and the aftermath. They weren’t easy to read, and I know this is weird to say about a romance series, but I think it helped me get past some of my own shit. It was hugely cathartic. Vincent and Sophia in The Arrangement, oh that might be one of the best books I’ve ever read. Not just one of the best romances, one of the best books. Mary Balogh is the Queen of hobbit romances and we LOVE her for that.

Best In Show: Eloisa James

Look, if Mary is a Queen, Eloisa is a Goddess. I own a physical copy of every Eloisa James book. I mainly read historical romance, and I love it. I don’t own physical copies of any other romance author’s books. (I’d like all of my legends, but I made a point to make sure I had Eloisa) I’ve given away so many Eloisa James books. I made her a favorite author when I worked at the book exchange. No one writes like her. I love her characters more, I hate her characters more. She gets so much story into so few pages! She gets more out of me than other authors do. I’m more invested in her stories, I feel them deeper. My very favorite romance ever is between two of her characters, but they don’t have their own book, their story is told as a subplot to the books in her Duchess In Love series. Sebastian and Esmee is my favorite love story and I’m not even sure why, I’ve nothing in common with either character, but I adore their story. (damn, I might have to reread that series.) One of my favorite characters ever is in The Wildes of Lindlow Castle series. Lady Knowe, the Duke of Lindlow's twin sister. She is the maternal presence in the series, but she is not a mother. She is fascinating, she helps her twin run his estate, she is unconventional, but she knows what convention dictates and stays within the appearance of propriety most of the time. One of my favorites characters of all time, I want to be like her when I grow up. Eloisa James has the dubious honor of writing the only female protagonist that has made me seeing red mad at her. Don’t get me wrong, lots of the ladies make me super exasperated. But this was more Bloody Enraged. I think it is the mark of a damn good writer if she can get you seething foaming at the mouth angry at a figment of their imagination. Her side characters are so well fleshed out you guys! There is not one boring character. Reading her books is like being possessed in the best possible way.

#historical romance

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cherry3point14 · 4 years

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Cookies & Milk

Pairing: Dean x British!Reader Warnings: Established D/s, mind you don’t fall down the crack Word Count: 2,172. Summary: Dean buys you some cookies. You call them biscuits. Arguments ensue, lines are drawn and restraints are required. A/N: Have any of y’all met @winchesters-meaty-feast? She’s my pal and partner in crime. We have extensive conversations about many a subject but one day the most important topic arose. Biscuits. I’m a dunker, she is not. It almost tore us apart but luckily we’re stronger than that. Anyway, I drabbled this Dom/sub biscuit thing in our chat and the following CRACK is what snowballed from that. (This is meant to be dumb ok. Don’t come for me over this weirdness.)

Ao3 if you prefer.

You should close your laptop.

In the late afternoon—underground where the time of day doesn’t matter—even then the light it’s emitting is too blue. Sure, you could turn down the brightness but it’s too little too late. Your eyes are already starting to ache from the strain.

You're not even doing anything important. You started scrolling a few hours ago; a news story that might have been something, but turned out to be nothing. Less than nothing, it was mundane. Dull as dishwater, as your mum might say. You would have closed your laptop then if it hadn’t been for that link at the bottom of the page. To another article, this time about an unexpected cold snap. This leads you to look up weather trends in Kansas, which becomes reading the articles on weather.com. Who even knew weather.com had articles? Still, they do and they’re very informative. The problem is that their data all points to it being cold as balls soon (your term, not theirs). So, now you’re shopping, with a pair of snow boots and two winter coats in your basket. And you’re debating a new scarf to put you over the free shipping threshold.

It is really time to shut your laptop before you go ahead and checkout. Dean hates having to pick up your parcels in town. Always complains that you have a problem. Pretty hypocritical considering the number of breweries he keeps in business. Besides he doesn’t even have a reason to complain, Marta loves seeing him, she lights up like a Christmas tree for him. You walk into the post office and you get a ton of side-eye, plus a ten-minute wait, but Dean? Well, he’s always at the front of her line.

You’re so engrossed in shopping that you don’t immediately look up at the sound of the bunker door. It’ll be Dean, you know that much. He’ll have a couple of brown bags from his supply run and you don't want to insult him by insinuating that he needs help.

It’s for the greater good anyway, the longer you sit here the more chance there is of you buying him snow boots too. Maybe he'll let you buy him a hat too.

Once he’s finished stomping his way down the stairs he sets the paper bags down next to you. It just so happens that's the exact moment you finally look up at him. A grateful smile on your face and over the top fluttering eyelashes—to remind him how loveable you are.

He shakes his head at how obvious you are. “I didn’t buy them for just you.” His unnecessary emphasis is all the permission you need.

“Is that smoke?” You sniff the air, one arm sliding inside the nearest bag, “must be the fire in your pants.”

He tries. Bless his heart. He tries to hold out. You can see him chewing the inside of his mouth as your arm moves about inside the bag to liberally finger his goods. The haul from the supermarket anyway. But he cannot resist your lame jokes and it ends the same as always. He cracks. A twitch of his lip, shaking his head and then an eye roll even Sam would be proud of.

“Other bag, Sherlock.”

“Ah-ha!” You grin when you switch to the other bag. Instead of fresh fruits and vegetables, you’re treated to food of the more processed variety. Plastic bags filled with crisps, a pie carton and, oh he really does love you, biscuits.

You slink back down to your screen, tearing the package open with your teeth as you do. Revitalised by the imminent influx of sugar. Dean sighs but doesn’t say another word. He picks up the rest of the groceries and carries them away. Presumably to the kitchen by the distant sounds of him putting everything away.

It’s another five minutes when he returns with a glass of milk that he puts down next to you. With a determined thump of glass on wood, as if the sound is an entire explanation.

“Thanks, but you know I don’t…”

“Take the damn milk.”

Normally you’d be irritated for being cut off mid-sentence, but it’s his exasperated tone that catches your attention. You even deign to look at him again, ignoring the popup that’s offering an extra 15% off if you enter your email. “You ok?”

He scratches at the scruff on his jaw while he tries to internally talk himself down from the ledge. “Nothing, nothing. Drink the milk, please.”

You look from him to the glass and frown at the white liquid. There’s nothing wrong with it per se. It looks like a perfectly good glass of milk, the kind you might see on a ‘got milk’ ad from the nineties. It’s not that you hate milk, you just prefer your biscuits to have a little bite. Dean should know that by now but if he’s forgotten then you are more than happy to remind him. “You eat your biscuits how you want, let me eat mine how I want.”

In your attempt to be rational you have failed to notice the desperation in his, 'please'. And now you’ve managed to tick him off.

“Cookies,” he grinds out.

“What?”

“They’re cookies. Dammit, you’ve lived here long enough to call a cookie a cookie.”

The outburst is not Dean’s fault. He’s not exactly hoarding MAGA caps and asking you to go back to England. No, this outrage is the product of a very specific joke that you might have taken too far.

Ordinarily, you switched back and forth between American and British all the time. As easy as breathing. You’d lived in the good ol’ US of A for long enough that your brain simply picked out the first word it could reach. A lot of the time it ended up being American without much intention, people understood better.

And then a few weeks back you’d been on the way to a hunt, sprawled in the back seat. Despite the fact that you were still strategizing with Sam you were comfortable. You could have fallen asleep right there if Sam hadn't kept talking. The word had slipped out on a whim. You called Baby’s trunk a boot.

Dean—being an absolute drama queen—had slammed on the brakes and eloquently asked what the fuck you called his Baby. Apparently, it was the first time you’d said that particular British word.

If you hadn’t found his reaction utterly hilarious that would have been the end of it. Except you did find it funny. The way his face soured, that little crease in the middle of his brow, he was so offended by four little letters. It was beautiful.

Now it’s been a few weeks of very purposeful language choices. Asking to borrow his mobile to make a call, or to wear his hoodie. And you’ll admit the ‘pip pip cheerio’ as he left the bunker earlier had been excessive. That isn’t even a real thing people say.

You’ve been torturing the poor guy with British slang. And because this isn’t the first time you’ve taken a joke too far, you’d usually hold your hands up and apologise. You’re good at apologising. He likes when you have to apologise because you always make it worth his while.

The problem is, biscuit had been an honest-to-god slip of the tongue. It had been the most natural word for your brain to conjure and so his anger seems a tad unjustified. Utterly out of proportion.

“It’s a biscuit.” You repeat as you take a bite, noticing the way his left eye seems to twitch at the crunch.

“It’s a cookie. It says right there on the packet. It’s a fucking sandwich cookie.” He points at the ripped plastic on the table for emphasis.

You sigh with the kind of effort that forces all the air from your lungs. “This country can’t spell half the time, why should I trust the packet?”

“Because you’re eating from it.”

He’s got you on a technicality. And he knows it. He knows it by the telling pause before you speak and the flash of panic in your eyes.

“So?”

It’s not an argument that’s going to win world-class debates but you couldn’t go ahead and let him have the last word.

Dean's problem now is he thinks he’s got you on the ropes, so he goes and gets cocky. He puffs out his chest a little and bites back a smirk.

“So? So… cookies and milk is as American as apple pie-”

“Invented by the Dutch.”

“-whatever. It’s a thing. Which means you gotta sit down, shut up and drink your fucking milk.”

You always love it when he does that. Argues his way to a conclusion whether he’s right or not. It’s kind of ridiculously hot.

Or at least that’s how you justify putting your half-eaten biscuit down. Slowly rising from your chair and crawling onto his lap. You lean in, slow enough to tease him, letting your breath settle over his skin as you whisper in his ear. “I know a way we could settle this.”

“What’re you doing?” He manages between teeth that are grinding against each other. The muscles in his arms are tense where he’s pulling at the rope that holds him.

Any other night and you might calm him down at this point. Remind your good boy that he shouldn’t hurt himself. Or depending on the game you’d remind him who he belongs to, who he’s foolishly directing his anger towards. But there’s no soothing touches or harsh reminders bestowed upon Dean tonight. This game is different. This is a battle for dominance, unlike one you’ve played before.

For the first time, he wants to win as much as you do.

There’s no mutual satisfaction in the room because you’re both out for blood. Where blood equals being right about snack goods. And unfortunately for Dean, he didn’t figure it out before he let you tighten the ropes around his wrists.

“I thought that was obvious, baby. I wanted something sweet.”

His eyes flick between the glass of milk he’d seen you carry in and the cookies plated up beside it. Well, you’d call them biscuits but that’s not what this argument is about.

“Don’t you dare.” There’s a threat in his voice.

For a moment it surprises you and you’re quick to counter him, “I’ll do what I like.” Your tone is reminder enough for him to remember his place.

He retreats a little, gives an inch so that you can take a mile. A breath rattles through his chest doing little to calm his tightly wound body. At the very least, he switches anger for desperation. Dean knows you love it when he pleads, “please Princess. Please, I’m begging you. Dunk it.”

Your entire body glows a little when he calls you by your name. The change in his attitude only urges you onwards though, with a smirk turning up the corners of your mouth.

Your hand finds a treat, fingers picking it up with deliberate, delicate movements. His eyes are wide as he watches you hover the biscuit over the glass as if maybe you’ll appease him. The whimper he lets out when you bypass the drink is almost fulfilling enough that you’re no longer hungry. Almost.

The room takes on an eerie silence as you part your lips and take a bite. A loud, crunchy bite. Crumbs fall onto the table beneath you—probably in slow motion— and chewing only seems to increase the volume.

“Son of a bitch.” He mutters as you swallow, “you’re crazy.”

You hadn’t planned on it but you walk across the room then, half a biscuit in your hand and a satisfied smile on your face. He’s slumped in his chair a little. He’s defeated since he knows he won’t defeat the knots keeping him in place.

“Come on, try it for me.”

“Go to hell.”

It's your turn to roll your eyes, “don’t be so dramatic, you’ve been to hell. This can’t be that bad.”

As you reason with him, you slide into his lap again, which will be torture enough because he can’t touch you. Except you also hold the biscuit to his lips.

“Please. For me. Be my good boy.” You coo as if you're not toying with him.

His thighs twitch beneath you at the use of his nickname and, because he’s always your good boy, he opens his mouth.

5eva tags: @divadinag @darthdeziewok @fluentinfiction @witch-of-letters @supernatural-teamfreewillpage @magnitude101999 @alexwinchester23 Dean babes: @thewinchesterchronicles @akshi8278 @bloodydaydreamer

#dean x reader #supernatural fanfiction #spn x reader #dean winchester x reader #spn fanfiction #supernatural #spn #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #dean winchester #dean winchester x you #dean x you #dean x y/n #dean dean the soft lil bean #I missed all the 2020 bingos so this is the sort of shit you have to suffer with now #I bet you missed me now

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ourheroictommo · 3 years

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"these unpopular opinion threads are so repetitive and annoying. at this point, y’all are just using it as an excuse to project onto your “faves” and create unnecessary drama. so annoying"... "its always he's queercoding or he's h0mophobic or he has toxic masculinity how do all these fucks misunderstand him so much genuinely. he's out here EXISTING. leave him ALONE."... He tweeted that he is straight what more he can do?!

Anonymous said: "can someone give me example of “queercoding” because he literally just goes about living his life and people somehow turn his every move into proof of his sexuality"... " His caption on his picture when he wore a polari shirt was in polari that was what I meant by he spoke it. It would be really insensitive as a straight man even if he was an ally to wear polari because of the history behind the language"... " Do you ever think from another perspective ? I mean do u ever consider the possibility that maybe things are not what it seems? /Srs. cuz I looked into the "already chavvy" on google. And it has alternate meanings too." Larries always make theories and believe their shit and when they get proofs that they are wrong it's always L's fault!!

"if you think it's, ok, but his caption is also a very common northern slang, is not officially polari, is very common what he wrote, no one can say it's for sure polari at all, but it's popular in british slang." Sorry, I forget to send this with the others.

What are they talking about??? Louis’ caption was “Alreeeeet chavvy”. ‘Alreet’ means ‘alright’ in northern english slang and ‘chavvy’ is abjective from ‘chav’ Louis called himself chav on many occasions - it has nothing to do with ‘queerbaiting’ or his sexuality or whatever else.

And do they seriously claim that him wearing clothes from polari brand for a magazine photoshoot is somehow ‘queerbaiting’ or ‘insensitive’??? First of all, I don’t think he even knows anything about polari language or the brand history - he was probably just given a bunch of clothes to wear for a photoshoot and that’s all. And the brand itself had no problems with him wearing that clothes either - they even promoted him on their instagram.

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flamediel · 3 years

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Can we get CNCO as slang words or phrases you commonly use?

OK DISCLAIMER I’ve been speaking three languages my whole life then went and learned a bunch more and I’ve got friends from everywhere so my slang is all over the place I’m sorry in advance.

Fakiss: Arabic slang meaning “eh, it’s not worth it”. I literally use this all the time and it’s big zabdiel energy

Vent or wooosh: used in French if you don’t get a response to something and wanna be passive aggressive. In text you can send the 💨 emoji, and out loud I like to just say woooooosh until I get a response. Quiet passive aggression and the only good thing to ever come out of France. Def Joel

Y’all: I need to stop saying this I have never been to the US but yeah this is Richard. Idk why but it is

Calmmmmm: uk slang, means “everything will be ok” or “that’s fine”. I tend to say “calm calm calm calm calmmm” and that’s why everyone hates me. This is Chris I think he would loveeee this word for some reason.

Peng: this means hot and it’s ericks word because of the way he said it in that “trying British food interview” I love this boy so much akdjsksnks

#cnco #cnco mv drop sleepover #asks

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lovelyirony · 4 years

Note

Ok as a British person let me assure you that we also hate slang. I'm so sick of hearing people call me bruv and NO ONE I know has ever said throwing a wobbly we call it acting like a cunt

i was watching this short segment of tom holland and chris pratt talking american/british slang and just

i am so glad y’all don’t actually say “throwing a wobbly”

also yes i got called bruv once and i could not speak to that person ever again

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volturialice · 5 years

Text

Spork Haven chapter 8: King fucking Lear

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

real quick before we do a Previously On I need to warn y’all about what’s coming in this chapter because holy shit

in the grand tradition of Stephenie Meyer, EL James makes a Shakespeare reference. but in the grand tradition of EL James, it’s completely horrifying (and hilarious)

but it isn’t so bad in hindsight because right before that we get the WORST, the very W O R S T, title drop of all time

if you’re brave enough to read on I just hope you’re prepared for the snakes that will physically manifest in your house. you’ve been warned

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward and hotel maid!Bella went on a date! Bella is a cello-playing orphaned virgin who is definitely in the Witness Protection Program! The paparazzi may have gotten a picture of Bella! Edward and Bella are gonna bang!

chapter 8 is pretty much entirely smut so it is [gag] very hard to read but very easy to summarize.

Edward is, as usual, profoundly horny, but he tells himself “not to be such a fucking Neanderthal” because since finding out that Bella is a virgin he “needs to get her aroused” because he doesn’t want to hurt her (was he going to fail to arouse her and then hurt her if she wasn’t a virgin? ok erika)

Edward begins by taking off Bella’s shoes and she reacts like it’s the sexiest goddamn thing that has ever happened to anyone.

mmm...shoes.

then he takes off her socks...but in excruciating detail!

and this is around the point where I was like ‘jesus fuck erika how long is this going to take’ and I definitely jinxed myself

anyway. throughout the undressing process, Bella is

which. I know “bloody” is British slang and not meant literally but in this context it kind of sounds like she’s just been biting her lip so much that it’s now bleeding all over the place. charming.

just when things are heating up, Edward carries Bella into the bedroom and we get the weirdest non-sequitur imaginable:

if y’all’ve read 50 shades of grey, this weird fixation on food and feeding your lover will sound familiar! except (and I can’t believe I’m about to compliment 50 shades) at least in that story, there was a starvation backstory that made christian’s fixation on food make a shred of sense. here it’s just...bizarre and out of place. they literally just ate lunch, for fuck’s sake.

anyway the sentences in here range from disgusting to cliché to bafflingly weird. for example, bella’s bellybutton tastes “like fucking Christmas” (because who hasn’t wanted to fuck Christmas? nothin sexier than Christmas.)

we discover that, in keeping with Pure ‘N Virginal™ EL James heroines, Bella has never so much as masturbated, and Edward thinks that’s the hottest thing he’s ever heard. magnanimous soul that he is, he fingers her a bit and then mansplains masturbation until at last we reach the sentence

which I could not help but hear in Owen Wilson’s voice. you’re welcome

is it just me or does Edward’s use of “wow” here imply that his partners usually don’t come? good one erika lmao

anyway, now it’s time for some penetration! Edward continues to explain sex to Bella in the most patronizing possible way. he sounds like a middle school heath teacher and a victorian mother at the same time and it’s about as sexy as it sounds, which is to say not at all. then we get the hilarious return of Personifying Edward’s Dick. his dicksona, if you will.

ok then.

but at last, we get down to business. Edward slowly pushes in, as you do, and then. and then.

it happens.

the sentence. the worst sentence.

“a safe fucking haven...

....for me and my dick”

a safe fucking haven for me and my dick

A SAFE FUCKING HAVEN

FOR ME AND MY DICK

erika...oh erika...do you mean to fucking tell me...that the ‘safe haven’ of the title...was Bella’s vagina all along?

THE SAFE HAVEN WAS BELLA’S PUSSY ALL ALONG

just for reference, like just so y’all know, there have actually been a few other title drops before this. but always, when the phrase “safe haven” popped up before now, it was referencing Edward’s hotel room. this one, though? this one feels like the Thesis™ of the story. like obviously Bella was always going to be the safe haven but nope, erika just had to take it a step further

kill me.

anyway, Edward and Bella have sex, there are many gross sentences and implications but they have nothing on that title drop, Edward finally (at last!) gets to suck on Bella’s earrings, and then, when Edward is trying not to come too quickly, we get this delightful paragraph:

some quick background: I am a Shakespeare Bitch. his image is plastered all over my bedroom, my fridge, my car, and my heart. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of his life and works. I have been in King Lear.

which is why I can’t help but wonder...why exactly does Edward know King Lear’s storm monologue? did he, a 24-year-old, play oldass geriatric King Lear at some point?

yes obviously he could have been in a high school production like I was where there were no actual old man actors to cast, but tbh I am having the time of my fucking life imagining an early twenties RPattz playing Lear in old man prosthetics

don’t come crying to me about this horrifying image, it’s nothing compared to the horrifying title drop you just read.

anyway, back to the smut! when at last Edward runs out of Shakespeare monologues and Arsenal stats, we are treated to what might be the dumbest description of an orgasm ever written:

emptying...his soul.

hey good news @ canon!Edward, you can stop worrying about your soul! turns out it was in your balls the entire time! the soul is in the testicles! what was that edward? edward? oh he hung up

and thus concludes chapter 8! may I suggest treating yourself to a nice Snake Rack for all the snakes that just manifested physically in your home?

be sure to organize your snakes by size and color according to the konmari method

a̴̧̛̩̖̰̫̲̮̙̓͊̐̄̿͝ ̵̧̦̠̪͚̫͌͐͜ş̷̳̝͔̖̲̟̀̑̆̓̋͂̓a̷͙̙̝̫͂͂͛̊́́̎́̕̕̚f̷̪͎̰́̆̊͊͌̿̄̃͛́́̂͑͆e̵̪̜̻̱̗̭̤̬͙̥͔͉̘̼̓̾̑̽̀̕͘͠ ̵̧̟̤̃̐̎͌̔͋f̵̧̡̭̭̘̰̹̹̼̬̳͎́ͅͅư̴̢̯̗̲̱̣͍̪̦̰̾̈͌̿͛̿̏̓͘͜͜c̷͙̦̳̗̀̀͐̒́̍͒̚̚k̴̡͕̩̗͇̪̘̥͊́ͅͅi̶̦̘̎̊̂̒ͅn̵̦̪͙̪͓̓͌̌͐̈́͗͂͠ͅg̶̡̳͔̳̻̻͖̩̤̹̜͖̺͆̈́͛͂̆͑̃̃̑͌̔̚͝͝͝ͅ ̷̜͉̱͉̆̎̋h̷̛̟̽̀̚̚a̷̹̠̺̤̘̲̪̤̾͂̈́͂̋̐̅̑̎̄̚͘v̵̧͓̫̯͇̼͖͎̭͎̿̒̊͑̕͜͝e̷̢̛̲̱̭̙̭͂͐̈ǹ̴̛̩̦̯̹͇̰̒ ̶̨̡͈̤̫̼͉͖̮̬͎͖͋̿̄̍̀̈́͝͝f̷̝̞̤͙̤͖͕̖͐̏̋̑̇͗́͑̈́̕ͅo̷̢̱̠̳̞̰̺̩̙̔̐̅̀̓̒̈͑̅̈́͝͝͠r̸̨̢̼̺͖̬̱̹̠̻̽̅̏͊͗͋͑̅̕̚ ̵͚̤͎̜̆̋̏̋̔̔̊́̾m̸͎̫͙̼͈̖͍̜̯̻̝̝͔̍̔̈́̉͆͛́́͝ȩ̶̺͓̪̳̫̞̳͖̝͇̪̩͎͌̓́́͊̓͆̂̑̎̾̚͝͝͠ ̶̧̬̠̳͇̠̤̦̑̍̋̊̉̋̓á̶̯͚͒̏̃̿̈́͒͌̿͝͝n̴̨̡̟͓̟̖͓̪̗̼̩̞̣̻̰̔̈́̿̑̌̅̋̈́̒̔̅͋̚͝͠ḑ̴̧̡̱̲̱̮̻͎̩̼̺́͂̅̽̈́ͅ ̵̭͙͙͍̞̝̥́m̴̨̝̠͔̲̺̺̜͙͗̒ŷ̷̛̜̳͓̹̹͔̻̥̗̔̈́͐͐̀̀̏̐̚͜͜͝͝ ̶̯̮͙̆͆̀̓̉d̷̛̗̮͂̂̇̊͊̊͊̊̚͝í̶̡̗̠̘̜͙͓̟̙̼̱̌́̈́̾̑̅͂̉̐͐͊ç̸͙̳̠̞̣̙̥͎̣͓̠̝̟̾̈́ḳ̸̮͈͇̏̑̈́͘͜

best “fucks”

over-fucking-whelming (the temptation)

a fucking go signal for my dick (a gasp)

best “shits”

happy and shit (edward)

next chapter: the fucking inquisition

#spork haven #twilight fanfiction #unsafe for work text //#here there be smut #I mean it IS EL James #food mention //#snakes //#suicide //

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rogers-sweatbands · 5 years

Text

what hogwarts houses the members of queen are in

A/N: oops this contains some hot takes (in my opinion) but this is what i wholeheartedly believe. enjoy !!!!!!!!!

Freddie: Gryffindor

okay this mans is 100% a gryffindor

like this should not be a surprise to anyone

first off, we all know that harry potter is 100% problematic and loses house points for them all the time

now imagine freddie

he would totally make gryffindor lose points on a daily basis just because he was being himself

gryffindors are also judgemental

and freddie is the king of the judgmental face

we all know this

it takes approximately three (3) minutes hanging out with a gryffindor before you get into some ~*trouble*~

freddie’s parties were def the same way, y’all

3 min in ?????? things got fucking insane

it’s hard to admit this, but without gryffindor, there wouldn’t be much of a story for hogwarts

because not much shit would go down

and hogwarts would be a whole lot safer

and the same is true for queen

like, without freddie, queen wouldn’t have much of a story either !!

moving into gryffindor qualities:

brave-

this honestly doesn’t need much of an explanation

an lgbtq+ icon

went through AIDS during the 80s (such a scary time)

did not give a single fuck about what anyone thought of him

is the actual definition of bravery

loyal-

not to be dramatic, but freddie would have died for any of the other boys

he loved them so fucking much

i hope they know that oof

although he had his moments, freddie was so loyal to all the guys and was/is so fucking amazing ugh

wise-

because of his life experience and different outlook on life, i feel like that made freddie so wise

he had all of these different perspectives compared to a lot of other people

and he would showcase these perspectives in his music

freddie was just so fucking amazing, my heart

i think freddie is muggle born

and he owns it !!!!

he is so proud of his heritage but is also so into the fact that he’s a wizard

freddie is the cutest gryffindor ever awwww

plus he’d look amazing in scarlet and gold

Brian: Ravenclaw

this choice should come as no surprise as brian harold may is a true and true ravenclaw

we’re going to start off with how ravenclaws are all so goddamn cool and intelligent ????? like wow, no one can top that shit

brian may is literally a rockstar and astrophysicist and that’s some hardcore ravenclaw energy right there

ravenclaws are also so hardcore interested in the universe

they nut for philosophical conversations and that sort of shit

look at luna lovegood for example

this girl always had the coolest and most interesting shit to say

she is also so fucking smart and no one really believed it for a hot minute and that makes me so angry

ravenclaws also have the ability to see past the surface of what’s in front of them

brian totally has the ability to see past the front that someone has so carefully put up and would get to know you for who you are

also, he looked up at the stars one day and saw them for so much more than glittery things in the sky

it sparked such a passion in him

ravenclaws also take friendship so fucking seriously

friendships are cherished so much within ravenclaw, sometimes even more than their cleverness

bringing up my girl luna again

we find out in deathly hallows that luna literally had decorated her room with portraits of her best friends in the entire world

and all of these paintings have a thin golden chain weaving around them to connect them that literally reads the words “friends” over and over

that’s some cute ass (and kind ass) shit right there

moving into ravenclaw qualities:

intelligence-

we all already know that this man is smart as shit

he has a fucking phd

(i’m repeating this for emphasis) a phd

in space dust !!!!!!!!!!

like this mans started his phd, went and became a member of one of the biggest bands of all time, and then literally went back and finished his phd

he is so smart it makes me want to cry

creativity-

what’s so amazing about bri’s creativity is that it all derives from how fucking smart he is

look at the songs he’s written... like, he’s a musical genius

and even on the songs he didn’t write, he was still super helpful with coming up with the guitar lines which is fucking sick as hell

they’re all so fucking good too

we stan a creative king

acceptance-

from a young age i think brian realized that his interests were probably a lot different than his peers

not only was he constantly thinking about the stars and what was going on in the universe, he also had such a passion for music

this prob led to him standing out from everyone else in a good way

and he had to come to terms with it

but boy did he bc look at him now, that rockin’ space man

tbh i see brian being a half-blood

because he’d have understanding of both the wizard and muggle worlds

something that would benefit his intelligence even further

the tea is that brian may is such a perfect ravenclaw it makes my heart hurt

Roger: Gryffindor

ok so we are starting this out with the fact that roger meddows taylor is in no way a slytherin

he is a gryffindor in the same way the weasley twins are gryffindors

they’re all so fucking cheeky (sorry for using british slang as an american, we just don’t have a term to perfectly embody what they all are)

rog is chaotic in a gryffindor way and not in a slytherin way

gryffindors literally die if the attention isn’t on them and that’s just the tea

they are always constantly throwing themselves into shit they have no reason to be involved in

this boy would literally throw hissy fits all the damn time and that is true gryffindor energy

HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN A CUPBOARD BECAUSE HE DID NOT GET HIS WAY FOR FUCKS SAKE

in summary, roger meddows taylor invented being the boy in the cupboard before harry potter

gryffindors are also a bit arrogant about the fact that they’re gryffindors

sorry, it’s the truth

and roger literally lives up his own asshole

which is really hot but besides the point

they also think their opinion is best

always

we’re bringing up i'm in love with my car again because this boy would not fucking let it go

tbh he prob thought that song deserved song of the year... lbr

gryffindors break the rules all the god damn fucking time and always get away with it

literally rog with anything

that boy probably could have killed a man and everyone would’ve been like ????? did u see something ?????? he’s got all my uwus, that sweet lil murder baby

also gryffindors are hella hot headed

“he would fly off the handle all the time” -brian may

he would throw televisions out the window

the literal definition of hot headed

moving into gryffindor qualities:

brave-

this boy gave literally zero (0) fucks about what anyone thought of him

his friends used to call him rainbow and he WENT WITH IT

toxic masculinity in reference to his wardrobe ????? not here !!!!!!!!!!!!

loyal-

despite all the fights he’d get into with the boys, he loved them so fucking much and could never imagine himself without them right there

like yeah, they disagreed a lot

a lot, a lot

but they’d always come back together in the end

cunning-

FIRST OF ALL, ROGER TAYLOR IS SO FUCKING SMART AND FUCK ALL OF Y’ALL WHO MAKE HIM SEEM LIKE THE DUMB MEMBER OF THE BAND

because he isn’t

ok tea, to be cunning, you gotta be smart

also, he could be quite cunning with the ladies & we all know this

like damn, that man could say “butterbeer” into my ear and i would probably cum

also rog is def skillful and used his cunningness to get what he wanted in the end

i'm in love with my car being the b-side of bo rhap ???? yeah, he played the band like a fucking harp

i think rog would be a pure-blood

prob because he can be so cocky (and most pure-bloods are seriously so cocky about the fact that they’re pure-bloods)

even harry could get cocky about it sorry but it’s the truth

also rog looks like a lion and gryffindors literally nut about lions

John: Slytherin

i’m going to start this by saying i know this is a hot take but john being a slytherin is seriously one thing i hold so close to my fucking heart. don’t @ me

we’re going to start off with the fact that even when he had his soft™ moments, he still exudes chaotic energy 100000% of the time

john is the most chaotic member of the band and he knows it too

as a slytherin, i can honestly say that we are literally the most chaotic people in the world

slytherins also exude big dick energy 10000% of the time

john is the perfect representation of this

his bde is seriously off the charts, holy fuck

slytherins will push you to succeed

this is because we have so much confidence

sometimes our confidence is confused for cockiness though, not all confidence is cocky !!!!!

guess what ??? that confidence we possess goes toward other people too !!

john ????? yeah we all know how supportive he was towards the other boys

seriously wants nothing more than for them to succeed

he still is that way

moving into slytherin qualities:

resourcefulness-

THIS MAN MADE HIS OWN FUCKING AMP?!?! LIKE, HE LITERALLY BUILT THAT SHIT ON HIS OWNNNN

he also loved to discuss how much he loves diy projects in written interviews (as a fun pastime of his)

lemme tell you, diy-ers are the most resourceful bitches ever

seriously, go speak to your local diy-er

they could probably make a refrigerator out of a toothpick, three thumbtacks, and a litter box

cunning-

this mans was known as the “shy” and “more reserved” member of queen (which we have all learned isn’t the fucking case)

he literally let himself slip under the public radar despite having such chaotic energy

he ran with that shy boy™ title and played us for so long

not that i'm mad but like, damn boi

ambition-

this bitch literally got an honors degree in electronics while queen was recording a fucking album

he literally sat his FINAL EXAMINATIONS WHILE RECORDING A DAMN FUCKING ALBUM

sorry but if that ain’t ambition idk what is

it’s also hella sexy he did that oops

fraternity-

john richard deacon, born the 19th of august 1951, embodies the definition of the word fraternity

he loved each of the other members of queen with his whole fucking heart

the definition of fraternity is “the state or feeling of friendship and mutual support within a group” and john literally did that

the tea is that i think john would be a pure-blood

but he wouldn’t be a dick about it

but like, he’s definitely a pure-blood

and slytherins are most commonly pure-bloods

which sucks because muggle borns and half-bloods are dope af

also, john could be such a sneaky snake, don’t test me

plus, you can’t be that fucking kinky (ya know, freaky deaky if you will) and not be a slytherin

sorry, i don’t make the rules.

in summary, john is a slytherin. thank u for coming to my ted talk.

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