having weird gender thoughts again

20 Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tag @technicallywrite

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

93,749

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Holby City (Berena)

Doctor who / UNIT (Kate Stewart, Sarah Jane Smith, Ace, Tegan and Osgood)

Worst Witch (Miss Hardbroom)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Still Beating

The Gift

Happy Anniversary

Happy New Year Mrs and Mrs Wolfe

Operation: Steal your girl

5. Do you respond to comments?

I do my very best because I appreciate every single one of them!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Its probably a toss up between Hush Little Baby , Happy Anniversary and The Ghost of Tomorrow

However, I am on the very CUSP of posting a new fic that even I'm like 'Oh my god... do you just dead ass hate happiness?' 😂

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'm genuinely looking through my fics like... Omg I really do hate happiness. But alas, it was between The Gift and She's Not You and I feel like She's Not You wins because you technically had to read through trauma before it got there

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not on fics no. I once got hate on artwork though. The commenter said I should be ashamed and what would Elisabeth Sladen's family think about the fact I'd drawn Sarah Jane kissing another woman... Jokes on the commenter though cause Elisabeth Sladen's IRL daughter recently posted the artwork in question on her instagram because she was basically like HECK YEAH, GO FOR IT MUM! 😂

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Me? Write smut? I don't even... I... WHAT IS SMUT?

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I'm currently writing a long ass fic that crosses over with SEVERAL fandoms within the Jemma Redgrave Multiverse just so I can make a 'We don't talk about Bruno' reference

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Technically yes but it was never published. I DID illustrate fics for a couple of people though!

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Berena... with a side order of Kate Stewart just getting her some from anyone and everyone apparently. Womans been through a lot man... she just needs herself some comfort.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The multiverse fic with the we dont talk about Bruno reference 😂

Nah for real I'm gonna say Still Beating. Bernies been bleeding out on the trauma unit floor for 4 years now, maybe more. Even if I DO get round to finishing it, it wont be what I wanted it to be. I had a lot of avenues to go down with the ex husband being involved in her treatment and recovery and now I've lost a bit of heart in it that I might cut that section out.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Oh. I... don't know. I don't know if I actually have any, I just write.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sometimes I compare myself to other writers and I get really frustrated when I cant write poetically like them. When I read their work I really FEEL an emotional connection. I read slowly just to savour the words because they're so delicious and I'd LOVE to know how to do write like that.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If it calls for it... ok? I don't understand the question. I didn't know this was an issue I needed to have thoughts on.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

1998 Worst Witch. I started as I meant to go on. Inflicting trauma on my favs with no real plan to bring them out of it 😂

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Oh don't make me choose my favourite child! I enjoyed writing Still Beating but I'm gonna say Operation: Steal your girl cause I just had SO MUCH FUN with it and the comments make me believe others also had fun reading it 😂

RIGHT! On to the taggy tags: @akaanonymouth @seahorsepencils @ktlsyrtis @colourmestoked04 @defo-not-sfw

Coming here to yell about a thing.

SO. Im like. Frustrated with the whole ‘am I queer’ thing. (Like personally for myself). And i think Im at a point where I just. Do not care anymore. Like. I could care less what people refer to me as. I dont think its important to tell people. And I just do what I want. I think my new response when asked is gonna just be ‘idk Im just me’.

Like. Im dating this person and Ive not told them any of my queer exploits and. I dont think Im going to? Is that wrong of me? That I dont feel like its important or defining enough to be brought up and have a weird awkward conversation about when I dont even have a solid answer and also Im completely comfortable being called either way? Its not like the terms they call me upset me or make me uncomfortable. I just dont think its worth the conversation of ‘well my gender might be fucked but details are unobtainable’.

Of the few friends who ive told about it, some think i should tell my parter and another thinks theres nothing wrong with it if its not a path I plan on pursuing or putting importance on in my life. Honestly, I haven’t even thought of it in months until I was talking to an old friend who knew me as exploring my queerness that I hadnt seen in a few years and he just kept asking questions and prying about the gender stuff and like. Fuck bro I dont know anymore. Is it really wrong of me to just not care anymore and want to leave that chapter of my life behind? Like Im still kinda involved in my local queer community, but more like. Its like, not *because* Im queer, but because these people are accepting of me just existing as I am. Just. Aaahhhhhhh IM PULLING MY HAIR OUT WITH THIS

HELLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 😭😭😭

I think that’s completely normal.

I live my life as a girl. People are surprised when I say I’m trans because like man I don’t like it but like it’s like yeah I don’t care enough to fight over people using pronouns other than she/her for me irl? Like it’s just not worth it and I don’t care that much.

Honestly I don’t really see much of a point in like “coming out” for myself anymore either. Like if it’s a conversation I want to have with someone then cool but do I really give a shit if the random customer I’m ringing out thinks I’m straight and cis? Not really.

Like yeah, different spaces for different things. A part of me is sad that a lot of other queer people probably don’t pick up on me being queer because I don’t really scream “QUEER” when you look at me, and that’s a big reason of why I’m going to cut my hair soon. But like I do think that’s kind of silly of me not feeling like I “look” queer enough. And honestly I know a lot of queer people who are shit and a lot of cishet people who aren’t.

I have a friend who as far as I know is cishet but just by virtue of him being autistic and nerdy he just attracts queer people. It’s like “oh he’s an honorary queer” no he’s just weird and different like the rest of us but in a different way.

There’s a reason queer overlaps a lot with like neurodivergence and physical disability/chronic illness etc. Weird just attracts weird. Who cares what flavor.

Honestly I’d rather have weird cishet friends than pretentious queer people who treat me like shit.

I’ve always said for myself that if a cishet guy was interested in me I would be fine with just being a cis girl in a relationship with a cishet guy. Like I wouldn’t want anyone being like “well he’s in a queer relationship because he’s with a transmasc genderfluid bi lesbian queer person” like nah dude if someone wants to see me as their gf and I’m comfortable with it then cool.

There are also a LOT of gay people who don’t ID as queer or even LGBTQ+. You can be LGBTQ+ whatever and not be “in the community” and you can be cis/het/allo/mono and still “in the community”.

It’s all about breaking down boarders. If YOU don’t care, no one else should care. What you tell any person you’re dating is completely up to you. Obviously some things are more important than others (like hey if you don’t want to disclose you have an STD you don’t have to! But you probably should) but queer status is personal and up for disclosure on a case-to-case basis- or just 100% or not at all.

whining about personal irl introspection stuff

since my friend groups mostly consist of trans peeps it always has kind of wormed its way into my head my own thoughts abt my gender and stuff but like for my whole life ive always been pretty comfortable as a cis dude and like for the most part despite growing up with very traditional parents ive also never really felt pressured to like follow the same gender roles they have like my parents are basically the one foot in the door type where like if for whatever reason hypothetically i come out as trans and gay double whammy them my dad whose a pretty Mans Man type of guy would still love me but i know he'd think that he did something wrong (out of ignorance not malice he would absolutely maul someone if they made fun of me) vs my mom who would also be accepting but it would become the next hot topic of her friend groups gossiping and neither are malicious but ive also seen them make themselves suffer over their own gender roles (men do this v women do this) and like i honestly think the reason i dont put much stock into gender as a concept is because most people focus on the roles aspect of it and even with my best efforts ive never really deprogrammed that out of them but honestly above all else im lazy as hell and wont impose more arbitrary rules like that onto myself so when i say im cis im not cis plus im like cis hasnt touched the personalization settings and forgot the login and ofc this would also bleed into ideas like romance and sexuality with aforementioned roles and when it comes to romance this leads more into my experiences with my asshole brother who would always be bringing girlfriends and bragging about being a sex beast but he could never hold onto a relationship and was always dumped and cheated on multiple times (and with modern context and Adult Brain i know its likely because he was a fucking asshole) while my parents would always argue but theyd also been together for 35+ years and wouldnt trade each other for the world so neither of those would be a good reference point for romance but this one also came down to me Not Really Caring where I wouldn't mind a romantic relationship if it happened and im p sure if I liked the person enough to where said stage of romance would even be happening i would invite it but im also not really agonizing over it and can be pretty comfortable being without a partner and on the sex side of things this one is a little weird because ive also Not Cared about it however i know I do have desire for people so im not ace and when it bleeds so intermittently with the romance aspect i just kind of assumed i was ace for a while in my teens until i learned the Words and Terms and such so i was like oh huh i guess i just dont seek romance and thats not the same as liking other humans physically and on that front i guess im just ok with any type of partner so like with neither of these considerations ever being a factor for gender or presentation esp when im a 6ft behemoth of a guy with a strongman body build and never had any type of body dysphoria with that i was and honestly still am perfectly comfortable just being a cis dude and for the past decade it has literally not changed im here for a good time not a long time

anyways this is a very long winded wordy way of saying that im pretty sure im cis aro and bi/pan because ive never cared about gender never wanted a partner and also i appreciate mens tits and cockenbalsen too much to be straight and this post came about because I was thinking of getting an anime man body pillow cover and was imagining the scandalized looks on my parents faces lol

I agree with you about the tags u left on that anon being rude to ciassu! Seriously thats just plain so fucking rude smh. Anyway u ended your tags with mention of shuhei x yata that op was going to write and it got me curious bc ive never thought of that pairing before lol so now im wondering if u have any other yata or shuhei ships u like/can think of? Sorry for the random ask i just want to see if theres any other ships i can add to my list other than chitose x yata lol

Hi!! Thank you for reaching out! And yeah, I feel like some ppl just like to send anon hate cause they’re bored? Like what is the end game here? You’re not gonna be the person with the last laugh cause your ask is either gonna be deleted or responded to in a post. And like, if you think there’s other writers who post the same type of fics, then why don’t you just focus on them? People need to realize that writing fics and drawing art is a skill, and that the creator puts in a lot of time and effort into perfecting it for the audience. I just don’t get why some ppl act mean online, when they don’t have that same persona irl?? Like why act like an internet thug??

Anyways!

Yes, I was also intrigued when I saw how op was working on a ShouheixYata fic! Like I know some bits and pieces of how they’d interact as friends, but as romantic partners? I’ve seen some EricxYata and and ChitosexYata, but never a ShouheixYata. I’m sooo curious cause Yata is terribly shy when it comes to romance, while Shouhei is charismatic and nicer than the other abc boys. Like is Shouhei going to be all flirty and try to charm him?? Does Yata develop a crush on Shouhei which he tries to hide but miserably fails at it??

And I do!! So to start off, I’ll be honest and say that I’m not really fond of romantic!banshou. Its weird cause i have other ships with similar dynamics, and i also adore both characters individually, but im not the biggest fan of them as a ship. I think its probably bc i dont like how its portrayed by the very few fans they have, and how a lot of things about shouhei, end up revolving around bandou’s inferiority complex towards him (which really sucks as a shouhei’s girl who wants to learn more about him).

But despite being in my y/n feels for shouhei, i do have a few ships for him! I don’t think it’s as obvious as it was when i first created this blog, but shouhei/eric is the closest to an otp i have for this fandom. Its probably bc theyre my top two faves, but i do think they have strong potential to be a sweet and interesting ship, and the few interactions they have are so cute 🥺 the fact that shouhei is the only person Eric refers to by their first name other than Anna 🥹🥹 (although i do think its probably cause everyone refers to shouhei by his first name lol. If im not wrong, i think eric refers to fuji by his last name despite being very close). I also do think they’d look really good together! Despite Eric being unkempt and not into fashion, he is objectively very good looking and i think his sharp and cool features are a good contrast against shouhei’s softer and warm features. I genuinely do think shouhei is the second person eric is comfortable with, after fujishima. I also ship shouhei with chitose and akiyama! I think i started shipping shouhei with chitose sometime last year and honestly? I think they’d be a fun and hot pair. I can’t really see them being them in a serious and committed relationship, but i do think they would probably hook up here and there (or even just be really good friends, since theyre pretty similar to each other except for some differences). Akiyama/Shouhei is always going to be that one opposites attract/enemies to lovers ship for me lol. I wish their fight scenes from s1 were longer, im so curious on what the dialogue would have been like.

Yata was my first ever fave character/crush when i first got into K back in 2012, but unfortunately that died out. But i do think ericxyata is such a cute and funny pair! I remember reading this really old fic on them in which yata learns english just so he can finally respond to eric’s taunts, only to have the story end with eric kissing him on the cheek 💞 i don’t remember being sold that quick on a ship like i did with that fic lmaoo. They’re like my second favorite pair, but theres sooooo little content on them :/ thats what i hate about k. Most content are on the popular/designated ships, you barely see anything on different pairings/dynamics. Yata and Kamamoto are seen as platonic for the most part, but i can see some potential for it to turn romantic! Kamamoto is a ride and die for yata. Like if theres ever a rare chance that yata decides to leave homra (unlikely, i know), i do feel like kamamoto would probably join him idk. the loyalty there is really strong. I think yata and chitose would be interesting since chitose is a playboy while yata is a virgin, but its probably gonna end with a nasty heartbreak on both sides 😬

hi arc no pressure to answer this but i was just wondering if you felt comfortable answering could i ask how did you know you were bigender? slash maybe how do I know if I might be bigender?

hi leo!! yeah, i'm comfortable answering that! this may be a bit long but like- im telling a lot just incase it any part of it helps you realize something. (i also enjoy talking about my identity & the journey of how i got here TBH)

im specifically male & female bigender. i also identify with a lot of xenogenders, but (what i call) my primary gender(s) is being male & female bigender. bigender can be any two genders though!! but this will probably mainly apply to male & female (or similar genders like demiboy/demigirl, ect.) bigender experience.

growing up as a girl, i always felt a connection with guys. i always wanted to be included in what they were doing! in school, i had primarily male friends while only having a very small amount of female friends (irl wise. i had a lot of female friends online) the only time in my life i had primarily girls as my friends was in elementary school, but i wasn't ever happy.

i was always very happy when guys would treat me like they treated other guys- not in a "treating me like decent respect" kinda way, but just treating me as if i were a guy.

ive known i was bisexual since i was 7 or 8, so i've been in queer spaces online since i was very young. since i was young, i was also very easily influenced by older people. i ended up in a lot of transmedicalist spaces. i never thought about exploring my gender identity because i liked being a girl! but in the back of my mind, i always wondered what it would be like if i made an alt account and pretended to be a guy, using he/him pronouns n stuff. at one point, i did run an account using he/she pronouns because "the mascot im using uses he/him but i use she/her but idc if people refer to me as he/him ONLY because of the mascot" <- complete fucking lie i was in denial becuz i was friends with a lot of transmeds, but didnt know i was also a guy at the time. just liked he/him

its a long story, but a mix of my boyfriend realizing he was a trans and openly supporting xenogenders & neopronouns, us cutting off a toxic transmed friend, and me entering fandoms that were more inclusive made me realize like. hey maybe this stuff is ok. and immediately i was like oh fuck. im bigender.

i looked back on my experiences and it just. fell into place. one time i received major gender euphoria because a guy hugged me in a way that guys stereotypically only do with guys, and it was still such an important memory to me over a year later (and still is 4 or so years later even though i havent seen the guy in forever.) everytime i was referred to with he/him on the acc i went by he/she pronouns on, i felt so damn happy. i daydream being a guy, not because i hate being a girl but because i just loved the idea of being a guy so much, and not out of like, being tired of sexism or anything. i just wanted to be a guy just cause!!

gender dysphoria was never apart of discovering my identity for me, i only developed it after the fact. my gender dysphoria is different than others (from what ive seen from The Average Trans Person) & im shy to talk about it publicly so if you do wanna ask about that just send another ask & ill answer privately. that being said gender dysphoria is NEVER a requirement to being trans, and i wouldve never found out i was bigender if i didnt get rid of that idea.

ANYWAYS, thats just me!

for you, my advice is to self reflect i suppose! think about your relationship with whatever genders youre considering being bigender of, how do you feel about those genders? how do you connect to them? how do you feel being referred to as pronouns typically associated with those genders (i know pronouns dont equal gender, this is just smth that helped me) or terms in general that are associated with those genders? would you feel happy as both?

im not good at advice im just a silly kid on the internet U_U anyways i rlly hope this helped u in some way. if u have anymore questions id LOVE to answer!! <3

ranting about my cringe little writing under the cut ignore i needed to put this down somewhere before my brain exploded

ok so like i have these characters and i have a vague plot but none of it is defined. i scrapped the roughly 8k words that i had on it before because it was so old and not what i wanted anymore. all i have that is 100% certain is one character and his name is pierre i think? he's one of the first ocs i ever made. and then i had this other character, [REDACTED IRL NAME] who was basically a self insert oc of me from practically four or five years ago. but i dont think im keeping that character the way she used to be anymore because im not sure how comfortable i am with it. like i still use [REDACTED IRL NAME] as my real name and it feels incredibly weird /neg to be writing a she/her character with that name because im not a girl anymore and i despise being refered to as one. plus, the way that i want pierre and [REDACTED IRL NAME]'s relationship to play out would most likely be read as a cishet relationship when it is so much more than that to me. like no theyre not dating. yes they would die for each other. no theyre not straight. yes they are each others favorite people and feel like theyve known each other since the dawn of time. you know how it works.

so im thinking of switching [REDACTED IRL NAME] to a man, but keeping most of the general vibe of the character, and also renaming him. then changing the relationship to a slightly different one because i think i could write it how i want it to be seen that way. also theyre both idiots and dont know shit about what the other is feeling.

this is also set during an apocalypse that had zombies and dinosaurs but im cutting them out (i started writing this when i was really young ok dont judge). i need to work on world building and how society would work and things but i am slowly making progress.

anyway if you have for some reason read all that then good job i am giving you a shiny gold star sticker. if you have any questions about my cringey little writings feel free to dm me about it and i'll try to explain as well as i can :3 (no promises tho im bad at communicating ideas and feelings)

man i love the way tumblr uses the words "boy" and "girl". like its in this way where it doesnt seem like a dichotomy. like,, there are other words as well, but girl and boy just happened to be the ones used this time. i like that about tumblr. and I think it has played a role in me getting more comfortable calling myself a girl.

and okay im doing this now fuck it.

so, I don't like being called a boy, aside from like, referring to me in a jokey way or something. and while my self-insert characters can be gendred whicever way, using any pronouns,, I myself dont like the thought of other people using she/her or he/him for me. and even though i do sometimes use she/her to refer to my younger self, i dont like using any pronouns other than they/them for current me. and this is all subjective to english. because finnish has only two 3rd person pronouns, and im fine with both of them.

oh and I absolutely fucking hate the finnish word for girl. sounds so horrible to my ears. in finnish, id prefer it if no one referred to me with "boy/girl" type of words. and I don't even like using them for myself.

and just the point of this was that, I think i have a lot of internalised issues towards being a girl, and because of that ive been avoiding that part of my identity. and how ive done that, is that while i have technically included that in my online identity(because i dont really discuss my gender irl), ive also included in my identity a lot of other terms, like "boy" for example, that ive used to like, dilute the girl part. like my logic has been "well yeah im a girl, but look at all these other things im also! arent they so interesting and more important than the girl?"

so like, I didnt actually work through my issues with that part of my identity, i just kind of ignored them. it was just easier that way. but now like,, im dont like how people act towards me irl either way, so I might as well accept the fact that I feel a bit like a girl sometimes. and that is okay. i think one reason it has been difficult to accept, is that I just dont think im a "proper" girl. like when people use "girls" to refer to a specific group of people, I am not a part of that. and while i do accept all types of girls, ive failed to internalise that. all other girls can be weird and odd and "un-girl-like", except me. but now ive like just, had this realisation, that that extends to me. if i feel like a girl, i am a girl. there is no requirements other than that. it does not matter what my hobbies and interests and manners and way of dressing is. like fucking FINALLY. oh my god. I feel like im free. of what i know not. im just free.

i do still hate the way gender is used to categorise and sort people. but also I'm not the one doing that. it is not my fault. im not contributing to that by identifying as a girl.

i think a more fitting term for me would be "demigirl", but because i dont really like using any labels, i will not be using that.

so yeah. im really tired ive been sitting in this hot car for like 20 minutes omg someone help me before i melt.

hey sorry but is it ok if i ask for some advice? no pressure if not tho i wont take it personally /gen :) but i need some advice on how to approach people on how they refer to me. so basically im out to a few friends and they all know i use they/he pronouns, and theyre all really accepting and hardly misgender me anymore, but they only ever use they/them when referring to me. it makes me kinda sad sometimes cause i wish theyd use he/him for me once in a while cause i mean i have those in my pronouns for a reason i like being referred to by he/him every now and then. but my friends are the only support i have irl when it comes to this stuff and i dont want to push their acceptance and potentially lose them over this :/ anyway sorry for rambling but if you have any advice it would be great :) hope youre doing ok :)) -🦭

hi! Little me wasn't very comfortable answering this but I will - I think just reintroduce it into a topic of conversation. A little white lie never hurt anybody, so you could say that you were they/them but switched to they/he, and that you wanted to tell some other friends who weren't as inclusive (people love playing the helper/hero).

I hope that somewhat helps!

Oh Kris, oh baby, oh. Okay, I'm dumping a bit here, and I hope I don’t strike a cord within you, but overwhelming curiosity has me wondering if you might agree:

What if because they're the only human in Hometown, they don't recognize that they differ from other humans? They assume that their deviations from "the norm" are due to being human? What if their discomfort/confusion with being autistic coincides with their species dysphoria?

What if that's why Toriel constantly checked that human caretaking guidebook out from the Librarby? Because everything the guidebook said about human behavior only applied to neurotypical humans?

What if, because they think that their autistic traits are due to their humanity, they never get properly diagnosed and never receive proper treatment?

Oh my god, autistic Kris makes the entire possession situation even more upsetting. They're quiet, they're not talkative, but the Player forces them to interact with every enemy and person and vendor and chest and piece of furniture, never letting a piece of dialogue or flavor text go unseen. The whole forcing Kris out of their comfort zone thing really just hits harder.

Holy shit, holy shit, I'm convinced of its canonicity now. I'm convinced. There's too much subtext that just fits perfectly. Like, as much subtext as their nb-ness (kind of subtext? Kind of not).

>i hope I don’t strike a chord within you

You did, everything related to this shit does, but thats fine I know when I have to distance myself from it and i dont blame others for it. So I’ll treat it more about kris the fictional character and less about my life experiences, using the latter only to inform the former. Thoughts under cut. again I dunno if this post will Disappear later on lol

-I disagree. I do think kris has very little knowledge of other humans and has maybe never seen one irl, but the human standard and the monster standard seem just close enough even in monster-only hometown kris is weird. Kris is aware they’re different. I think part of it may be them conflating both physical and mental differences. both compound to make them feel extra isolated

-the book, i never thought it was about That, though I can see toriel noticing the differences. I think toriel took it out constantly because of the different challenges that came w a human kid, aka diet, clothes for winter, illnesses, blood and injuries, puberty, etc. maybe there was a behaviour aspect to it but I dont think it was the main reason. I think kris has a female/xx/afab body because afab autistics are so good at masking it makes a clinical difference, which is why everyone refers to kris as a weirdo but the A word is never brought up. They’re just good at covering up the deeper shit

-The diagnosis thing is another reason why I stick with femkris (I’ll just use that for brevity cus picking the terms is hard okay? Correct it in your mind). I got diagnosed at 21. i dont doubt they would finish teenagehood without a diagnosis, if they ever get it at all. I dont think it’s necessarily because of the species thing so much as people just sticking to “weirdo” and “quirky” and never bothering to research on a deeper level (as tends to happen irl)

-As for the nb thing, I’ll be real, Per the net’s definition im a “desister”. I was abt to buy a binder and socially transition at age 19. My hairs been very short for years, my fashion very androgynous, i get called young man/boy/sir outside and inside the net constantly and I was always ostracised by girls... I like femkris because it brings back memories from that time and the % of autistics who transition (and desist, detransition, or just stay in their new identity) is high (so like the whole thing is interconnected). sometimes I scarcely feel like a human at all, much less like whatever standards people have for “girls”. I use they them for kris because of nostalgic value/cus it’s what the game does. I think they’d probably stick to being nb for life cus monster kid does too without any problem. This parts projection and very cringey. I am sorry you had to read this kek. I would rather not go on a rant about this part of my life because I know no one cares

Finally on the possession and it being canon- I don’t like the way the fandom acts about the possession sometimes. I think kris has enough of a will even under Player to give strict boundaries. Kris saves Susie of their own will for example, and if you make them say something they don’t want to they will twist it around to be a joke or sarcastic. I like to think when the game gives you an option to do something, it is because kris, consciously or subconsciously, is willing to do it, and if they really don’t want to do something, they won’t let you. But only two chapters are out- we just don’t have enough information to know this yet

I also don’t think it’s canon. I don’t think Toby fox went out of his way to write this in deliberately, because I know my autist brain loves pattern recognition and connecting little dots of information, cataloguing and labelling it, and that is probably how I come up with all the random shit i do. I wouldnt take it as canon until either the game or Toby make it explicitly stated. Its just something I like to think for fun or comfort, and I would def not use it to enforce anything

Like the other post, if this gets trouble from tumbler dot com it shall go in the gutter

i think most of the people in ebblr at the time brushed off ranboos comment about irl shipping minors as referring to fdtwt(or fltwt) instead of them because they've always been pretty infested with poppy and mixed together the worst parts of fltwt & ebblr and were obnoxiously public, they're the ones who doxxed a hotel that ranboo & tubbo stayed at for truthing reasons and ranboo had been found out to accidently interact with fltwt near when he said it.

but honestly even then i was surprised more people didnt leave. i had already left before that because i couldnt stomach being in ebblr morally after fltwt blew up but even though i didnt ship them anymore my heart dropped when i heard him use the words he used in that convo.

as much as people say ranboo encourages shippers and as much as it has some weight to it, he seemed pretty grossed out by the idea back then & seemed to find it abhorrent. in that time period i think people thought tubbo would be more ok with shipping than him because of how he spoke about it. (ofc that changed and could have been partly because tubbo used to be worse than ranboo with setting boundaries) i think its more likely he just wants to see content of them and is encouraging beeduo enjoyers in general rather than shippers and it just consequently feeds shippers because lets be real, beetwt and ebblr freak out over the same things sometimes. i find it hard to imagine that he could have changed his tune so fast after comparing irl shippers to p/dos a few months ago (sometime in the fall of 2021).

honestly i think last summer his biggest concern was his parents figuring out he was gay and people seeing his face. i find it hard to believe that he 100% believed what he was saying when he compared irl shippers to that, although he did lurk so its likely he saw that there was significant overlap between fltwt and poppytwt. i think his main goal with the comment was to do what actually a few people commented on in ebblr, which was to say something so shocking he would get people to reconsider their actions and leave. at this point hes gotten much more comfortable with his face, plus most of them have gone private/dont share his face anymore cause there's no point, and based on his behavior the past couple of months hes probably not worried about who knows he's gay. so i dont think its unreasonable to say his perspectives have changed

I read your post about wrong turn and I think what you wrote is just plain of confusing and just writes off the whole premise Jen shots Luis out of mercy knowing he is basically disoriented from the world, yes he is eating another human as she looks at him, these people are being thown down there with their eyes out being there for idk how long, but being without light, sight and resources disorients you from the world, the humans they eat are most likely those who did not survive and a way for them to survive, so no they do not make them immidietly become "less human" as you call it, they been down there for a time we do not know and we never get to find out how much Luis have changed more than that he was eating another human, but we can see that the others are way more disoriented, could she pull him out sure, but how do you help someone who most likely is in so much pain and who is now living on cannibalism to a regular life? she did what she thought was best, if she left him there he would get even more disoriented by time, so she helped him, stop taking movies out of context to be a social warrior

1. "your post is confusing" your response to me is all one single run-on sentence, don't try to have the highroad with me on 'confusing'

2. your ask is an anon this makes me think you arent comfortable exposing yourself as having the opinion that 'blind traumatized people should be killed because living like that is worse than death'. Come off anon and attach that to your online persona, otherwise pee your pants

3. "theyve been down there for I dont know how long" 5 weeks. You didn't pay any attention to the movie but you think you know more about it than me?

4. "being without light, sight and resources disorients you from the world" awful lotta irl blind people in the world would be pretty mad at you for thinking that they are inherently insane and should be killed because 'living without the light drives you insane'. You are referring to the specific convo i had at that time by quoting the person i argued with, so ive already refuted this. pee your pants

5. "they do not make them immidietly become "less human" as you call it" i was referring to the way the movie presented them as grunting and crawling and frightening which culminated in the movies hero killing them without speaking to them, as though they were animals incapable of responding or understanding her. I was specifically upset at the director for using the camera in a way that dehumanized them. You'll find that most blind people dont crawl on all fours and eat without the use of their still-functioning hands (specifically referring to the one that ate the guard, hunched over like a dog). These are directorial and acting decisions. Read my post again with critical thinking skills. i wasn't judging the blind characters, i was mad at the director

6. "she pull him out sure, but how do you help someone who most likely is in so much pain and who is now living on cannibalism to a regular life" by taking them to help. hes not a zombie, hes a blind man. we didn't take all the surviving members of Flight 571 out behind a shed and shoot them after they ate their friends to survive, we put them into therapy, what the hell is wrong with you?? 'is so much pain' you think people with chronic pain should die? hes probably in pain because of his untreated wounds, but she never spoke to him, he didnt ASK to be killed, its a decision she (and you) are making FOR him.

7. "if she left him there he would get even more disoriented by time" read my post again, i said to save him, you fucking twit. There are options between 'shoot him in the head' and 'leave him in a hole to slowly starve and succumb to disease'. This wasn't a zombie movie, its not the post apocalypse. Its modern day west virginia. There is a hospital within a 2 hour drive of the hole he is currently in. DC is about 6 hours away. If you cant save him right now you can send help after you get to safety. a bunch of rapists with pointy sticks and spike traps arent gonna last very long once the govt figures out they are kidnapping, raping, and torturing anyone that wanders through (they had at least 10 people in that cave)

8. "to be a social warrior"

pee your pants

This poem's really stuck with me since I first read it, and unfortunately I can't find it right now, but it goes something like "the child expects the world to be fair and just, and gets upset when it is not. And the child is right." Obviously, I'm super paraphrasing it, but I can't dig it up for the life of me right now

And this other concept has really stuck with me, as well. When I was watching Abigail Thorn's coming out video, Rhys talked about how you are simultaneously every past version of yourself at once, including your child self.

I've been getting a lot more targeted harassment since around when Elliot Page came out. Obviously, it's not his fault at all, it's the TERFs and run of the mill transphobes and the politicians screaming trans panic who took that and ran with it, which is disgusting and deplorable how they turned something so amazing for transmascs like me into another rehash of "wE'rE lOsInG aLl OuR dAuGhTeRs!!"

I mean, shit. It wasn't even that long ago when that stupid transphobic book came out that was titled something like "the gender panic plagueing our daughters" or whatever the fuck.

Plus there's so much community infighting lately because so many of y'all really do view oppression as a pokemon type damage chart instead of realizing that multiple things can be true at once, ie transfems and transmascs are both oppressed in different ways, so stop acting like either wanting recognition is ever taking anything away from the other. Other oppressed people are not your goddamn enemy

I don't know, I just... it's not even all the big things that are getting to me lately. It's the little things. Like when I've made it clear multiple times that I'm not comfortable being referred to as anything feminine, even slang. I try to be polite about it, say "please don't call me queen, or girl, or sis, it makes me very uncomfortable because of how hard I've fought to have my masculinity recognized" and people take it personally. People act like I'm calling femininity a bad thing, or that I'm making a totally unrealistic expectation of them, when I just said that I, personally, don't like this thing, so please don't do it to me, personally.

I think a good example would be a while back. I've gone by the nickname Dames since I first picked my name. It came pretty naturally from my high school friends, and I thought it was nice, I liked it, so I naturally kept it IRL and tagged all my personal posts with it. And evidentally my longer followers like it too, because I always get asks where people refer to me as Dames. That's me to all of you, right? It's a major indicator of the guy behind this weird internet facade tens of thousands of y'all saw some value in following. And good on him for only having followers on the one social media where that counts absolutely jack shit for, am I right?

I'm bound to get anon hate with numbers like that, it's expected, I'm not usually vexed by it. 9/10 times I just block and move on or find a way to make it funny, but a while back I got one that really kinda... stung. Mostly because it felt so targeted. Like, the others are usually just people trying to tell me what to post on my own blog or some shit about how my latest shitpost making the rounds sucks, but no one's ever gone for the nickname before this person. Not a single anon has ever told me that my nickname is shit, especially not with such targeted phrasing as "girl if you dont STOP calling yourself dames i refuse". I ended up making fun of them on here if y'all were here for it but it really kinda got to me in reality.

And I know what most people would say: "dont feed the trolls" "dont engage" "just block and move on" but I do have a few criticisms of that mentality. For one, it puts the onus on the person getting harassed to be the bigger person without ever addressing why the internet makes these people feel like this shit is acceptable, or how to fix that. To be clear, I don't know how to fix it, I just know it's a serious problem that disproportionately affects marginalized people online, especially those of us who have a bit of a platform to speak of and are therefore more visible, so it should be discussed more instead of just chalking it up to the lawless internet.

Second, on a more individual level, what the fuck has to be wrong with someone to actively go and figure out whats important to someone's sense of identity and then shit on it to them? I assume it was to get a rise out of me which I didn't really give them in the moment before I blocked them, but the total lack of acknowledgement of another person and the cold, calculating callousness is what does it for me.

I still go by Dames, but sometimes it gets to me. Like what if it is stupid? What if everyone does hate it? I didn't have these thoughts before I got that targeted harassment for no real reason than existing in a way this person found worthy of ridicule.

I think it goes back to what I was talking about before. The child part of me remembers how strong his sense of morality was, and how angry and betrayed he felt when things were unfair or unjust, or people were shitty to each other for no reason. He expects people to be better, to acknowledge that other people are people and to respect each other even on a platform as lawless as the internet. He's the part of me that's so hurt when this thing happens. And others always tell him that he's just naive, he shouldn't have responded, don't feed the trolls, etc etc without ever asking WHY this environment exists in the first place. It's not his fault for being hurt, that's a natural reaction, it's the bully's fault for kicking someone who's been systemically downed in one of the few places he comes for refuge and feels validated by.

The child is angry, the child says that people should be just and the world should be fair, and people say that the child is naive, but the child is right.

Okay. So this has nothing to do with your blog at all, feel free to not answer, but do you ever misgender like. Yourself???? Like do you know if that's normal???? Cus for me it's like I'll be doing my funky little internal clown dialogue and then I'll be like "woohoo let's go get that package from the mail girl!" And then I'll sorta beat myself up over it and be like "wait wait no we do bro stuff now, let's get this package dude" even though usually I use the latter terms more as gender neutral ones. Is this a common thing do you know???? I always feel bad about it. Like it makes me feel like I faking being trans it's weird. Like I'm nonbinary and I've used she/her pronouns all my life but I really do feel like they/them also fits, but also sometimes it's just like. Idk maybe I AM a guy and not nonbinary, but then again I dont know if he/him pronouns even feel right, you know?????? Sorry I totally sprung this on you, I just needed to like. Get this out yknow aksvshsjsvsv??? I hope you have a great day cece <3<3<3

It’s absolutely normal! Like okay. Imagine if one day you were told that suddenly smiling was like flipping someone off. All your life it’s been a natural reaction to smile when you’re happy or excited or even just being polite. It would be instinctual to smile, but that obviously doesn’t mean you’d be meaning it as a rude gesture. 

You’ve been using a set of pronouns as gendered titles for most of your life so it’s just the instinctive response to use them. It’s totally normal and something I sometimes will do as well cause it’s just so engrained into my life. (plus the fact that im not out to many people yet irl so I'm used to people using she/her for me, or referring to myself like that cause im not comfortable telling people)

It’s just the natural response that you’ve had drilled your whole life babe! I know a lot of people who also do this even years after coming out and/or transitioning cause you’ve spent so much time with one identity for yourself that the new one  might take a little time to settle into.

Gender can also be really fluid! You can feel different ways day to day cause gender is abstract and there is no wrong way of connecting with it. Non-binary doesn’t always mean committing to exclusively gender non-conforming pronouns! Plenty of nb people lean towards masc or fem, and may use she/they or he/they!

Something I need you to remember (and this goes to anyone who is trans, nb, questioning gender, etc.): You. Are. Not. Faking. It.

You cannot fake something without meaning to. You can’t do it accidentally. Faking isn’t something that you do without knowing or meaning to: faking is always on purpose. Questioning isn’t faking. Being unsure isn’t faking. Testing the waters isn’t faking.

If at some point you decide whatever label or identity isn’t for you, remember that you were NEVER faking. If it feels real and comfortable now, its is real. I love you lots and hope this helps <3

🕳🎤🎹

🕳- Do you ever lose time? If so, how does it affect your life?

I always *think* i dont lose time, until i try and remember things other people are talking about me having been a part of, and having zero recollection of ever doing those things. So, maybe? I don’t really ever have a sudden amnesia moment, especially as typically my switches very are fluid and we rarely notice we’ve switched until it’s like, obvious and right there that a new person is fronting. So i wouldn’t say it impacts our lives too much!

🎤- Do you feel comfortable talking about your DID?

I feel fairly comfortable talking about it online, especially as pretty much everyone rattling around in the body is an oversharer, so we always jump on the opportunity to talk about ourselves.

However, it’s a completely different story irl. I rarely talk about it at all, maybe occasionally making a vague reference to something about it when i’m doing visibly badly because of it, but really irl im very,, closed off when it comes to actually talking about the deeper stuff of my mental health. I make a lot of deflecting jokes, referencing my anxiety, or depression or what have you when my friends inquire about my mental health, both as a way to deflect further probing into everything else, but also as a way to say that, yes i am struggling a ton right now, yes things are bad in my head at the moment, but im joking about it and talking about it would make it worse, ya know? So uh yeah, online, for sure, irl, you’ll have to pry my mental secrets from my cold dead hands :P

🎹- What do you create as a system?

I mean other than trauma, pretty much everyone has some interest in writing, main ones being Sam/Rose (Hi me writing this rn, also the most frequent hosts :P) we all really love stories, but as a consequence we’ve also got quite a lot of book ideas, movie ideas, webcomic ideas, etc etc, but atm we’re focusing on one big story we hope to turn into a book series one day :)

Also, a couple of us sing! Some in our schools choir, but mostly we like making our own songs, either madeup little songs about random things we’re thinking of, but we also think of large more uhh, ballad like songs, which can be a bit annoying when one of us is singing while the rest are trying to focus.

Speaking of music though, we all play piano, and are trying to figure out how to write piano music!

Also also, a few of us like to draw and are trying to get better! (That includes but is not limited to, traditional pencil and paper, digital art, pixel art, voxel art, 3d art, animation, just alllll the 3d art and modelling, etc etc suffice it to say we have tried a looooot of art forms and are making slow progress in all of them :P)

We also want to make custom animations and songs and stories and put em on youtube, like a couple of really cool songwriters have done (Ferry with PAFL, R.I.P with their cool but graphic and terrifying stuff, etc) but that’s a far off hope, we’re not that talented at either yet.

And finally we all are interested in coding and making games and stuff, yet another big hobby floating around and vying for our attention and work :P

Sorry towards the end that sorta just became a list of hobbies lol. Thank you for the ask though!! Have a good day/night :)

so i was debating making a post about this, because this shit is gross and spikes my anxiety and i have enough to deal with excluding bnha drama... but i don’t want it to seem like i’m complicit or silent on this. i also have very little context or information tbh

there seems to be a shitstorm happening in the bn//harem discord server. i’ve never been a part of that server nor had any desire to be in there because one, it felt like it was mostly teenagers and i’m an adult so me being in a mostly younger space felt *weird*. and two, there were people in there that i’d blocked for one reason or another (their content was triggering or i found them to be sketchy and putting out morally questionable work, for example) so i didn’t want to risk running into them or interacting with them in a server

but there are some folks coming out with various stories and claims about being mistreated, esp by the adults in that server. i dont know any details or have first-hand knowledge of anything specific that happened in there, i’ve just seen vague references. let me say this to mirror what i said in a post a few days ago: no adult should be discussing nsfw content with minors. ESPECIALLY not in a private and unchecked place like discord. its fucking disgusting. please know that if an adult tries to do this, or tries to encourage you to talk about something like that, they aren’t your friend and you should back away from the conversation. if they’ve made you feel unsafe, that’s a big giant red flag that they’ve failed you. and it’s NOT your fault.

like i said, i dont know the extent of what’s going on because i wasn’t there, but there are writing blogs like, permanently leaving or taking a hiatus or discussing their mistreatment by people who are fucking old enough to know better. THIS is what i mean by predators in fandom: adults, your actions are YOUR responsibility, and if you’re called out on them, you have no one to blame but yourself. stop blaming children for your own mistakes it’s beyond disgraceful.

i dont even follow that many blogs now because i’m so disconnected from writing fandom *because* of this type of shit that is just...??? a lot to deal with when i have a fucking job and partner and irl things. if fandom stops being fun and enjoyable, leave. that’s it. maybe it would be healthy to step away for a while, anyway. and this is tbh why i probably plan on leaving once my fics are done. there’s a lot of toxicity surrounding this fandom and its genuinely exhausting to witness. i’ve been trying to keep my blog a positive and comfortable space that felt like an escape, but that’s impossible when people are out here just.... ugh.

please don’t bombard my ask box. like i said, i dont know details, i dont talk to anyone in the server personally or any of the other big blogs, i’m just stating clearly my opinion on these things so yall know where i stand. if you want to unfollow me or w/e reason, please do so. also please do NOT like, detail your experience in my ask box because that is incredibly traumatic and no offense, i dont want to read about trauma. i might even close my ask box because i have work to do today. please stay safe <3