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critter-rarepair-reccs · 2 months

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Happy Wednesday everyone! Today we have eight fics in modern settings for you all! Have a look at them below the cut and if you end up checking some of them out on ao3, please don’t forget to leave kudos and comments! 🩷

Having Trouble Breathing In by Torchiclove (17,445 words, Teen) Pairing: Keyleth/Pike Trickfoot (Pikeleth) Warnings: None

‘The paramedic would take her breath away, if the asthma hadn’t done it for her.’ Keyleth falls for Pike in a modern AU.

Reccer Says: Enjoyable and well written fic of Keyleth falling for Pike in a modern AU. Explores Keyleth as a character with anxiety and it's a great, gentle depiction of falling in love with great characterisation despite the rare pair.

Live your whole life on a might-have-been by Chrome (2,681 words, Teen) Pairing: Veth Brenatto/Caleb Widogast (Widobrave) Warnings: None

Just a very short and atmospheric peice set in a modern au where Caleb and Veth met at university, and he’s driving her part of the way home for the holidays.

Reccer Says: I can’t describe the feelings this fic gives me. It’s understated and bittersweet and so full of longing that you’ll want to die. It feels like a Hemingway story almost with the way it manages to pack so much meaning in between the words the characters actually say.

And I became hypnotized by freckles and bright eyes by SunshineAndaLittleFlour (1,007 words, Teen) Pairing: Mollymauk Tealeaf/Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast (Shadowidomauk) Warnings: Drunk kissing

Molly didn’t realize he probably shouldn’t be kissing someone else’s partner until after he’d already started doing it.

Reccer Says: This fic, this whole series in fact, is absolutely wonderful! Its fun, flirty and emotional as well as smutty and one of the best stories/series for the purple boys and their ginger partner. Always a delight to read and this fic starts an awesome series off wonderfully!

softly, softly by maricolous (837 words, Teen) Pairing: Fjord/Mollymauk Tealeaf (Fjolly) Warnings: None

Fjord comes home from his shitty retail job to Molly, his roommate-turned-partner. They make out about it.

Reccer Says: It’s very cute and sweet, with a side of what feels Fjolly-typical horniness. It’s a fun little fic!

if we were a movie by burningdarkfire (8,800 words, Teen) Pairing: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett (Beaujes) Warnings: None

Jester decides to try and set Caleb and Essek up and ropes Beau into it. Cue many “friend” double-dates, a classic disaster lesbian Beau crush, attempts at coping with it, delightful romcom nonsense, a fun side of Shadowgast, and a very sweet ending.

Reccer Says: It’s silly, it’s fun, it’s heartfelt. Everyone’s voices are so on-point and every moment Feels like them. Beau is a mess and I love her, I want to squish Jester in my hands, and the wizards are menaces of a side pairing. Also the conversation between Beau and Essek at the maid cafe is so good.

candy hearts (so sweet on you) by thaumasilva (5,149 words, General) Pairing: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett (Beaujes) Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Implied Stalking (not between Beaujes)

Beau keeps visiting the gift wrapping station at the mall to get her Winter’s Crest presents wrapped, and the cute tiefling working there keeps giving her candy hearts with flirty messages, or: Three times Beau wanted to ask Jester out, and the one time she didn’t have to.

Reccer Says: It's just a sweet as the name implies, aaaa it's so cute

Intervention by VioletTeaTime (1,965 words, Teen) Pairing: Fjord/Caleb Widogast (Widofjord) Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Fjord intimidates the guy bothering bartender!Beau’s favorite customer into taking a hint and leaving. Then he gets flirted with and Beau complains about having to watch.

Reccer Says: ace fjord my beloved <3 also the boys' background friendships with Beau are very sweet

all actions and reactions by grayintogreen (2,879 words, General) Pairing: Astrid Beck/Jester Lavorre (Jestrid) Warnings: Depression, Burn-out

One of her friends suffered a breakdown, the other found religion, and now Astrid Beck, suffering from burnout and stress and a myriad of other things a pre-law student can suffer, has found the cherry on her misery sundae. Someone keeps buying all of the cinnamon scones she loves, and now she must end them.

Reccer Says: An amazing translation of the characters into a Modern AU, and surprisingly sweet

Thank you for joining us for our second recc list! All the love to everyone who submitted a fic 🩷 All enclosed recommendations were submitted by the community via our submissions form, which you can find here. All fic information is as it was provided by the reccer, so it may not be accurate to the author’s intent or the precise contents of the fic itself. Please assume good intent from all parties 🩷

Submissions for next week’s list are already open! We’ll be featuring Whump. If you have any you’d like to highlight, you can send them in here. The week after that, the theme is Pre-Relationship, and you can also submit fics for that now!

If you want more rarepair fic, check out @cr-summer-wildflowers and their event collections on ao3! If you want some friendship after all this romance, take a look at @critter-genfic-events and their recc lists! And if you’re interested in everyone’s favorite wizards, you can’t go wrong with the lists at @aeor-is-for-reccing !

Thanks all and have a lovely day/night/timezone! 🩷

#critter rarepair recc lists #pikeleth #widobrave #shadowidomauk #fjolly #beaujes #widofjord #jestrid

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possessionisamyth · 9 months

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I agree on your post about fandom with Leon. I like him but the way fandom treats him and acts if he's the only character that has gone thru the most hell, it makes me not want to see him in any further content for awhile. Don't me get started on the shipping aspect of him whether it's self-shipping or his relationships with other characters.

I'd really love it if people who ship leon with themselves or reader or whatever would choose TWO ways to tag it as a group so I can block it en masse and not see their boring ass fantasies generated from character ai play out the same way 500x a day no matter how many variants of the tag I block.

Every time I think it might be a character analysis it's slapped with "He Wouldn't Fucking Say That" but for every sentence, and I get to decide whether I'm going to block or scroll faster.

Shipping aside(because woooo do aeon, cleon, and jilleon shippers love showing their misogyny as much as people who ship leon with other boring white men), seeing people baby him incessantly as if he's not a grown ass man is a different level of fury. Yes, his job fucking sucks. Yes, he was suckered into it. He's not special actually. How many people have the option to not work a shitty job for an uncomfortable period of time in their lives without suffering immediate financial consequences? I'll tell you who. Rich people. Who I don't respect anyways. You know who else has a shitty job? Literally the entire recurring cast of characters we see, majority of whom are women.

You know what usually makes a job shittier? Not having a dick. I cannot fucking imagine the hell that Jill, as much of a paragon in her field as Chris is, has to experience from the men higher ups questioning every single fucking decision she makes on top of dealing with bioweapon bullshit. Her only reprieve? Probably Chris or Barry stepping in for her to shut them up, and if not that, she can get some of that anger out through the gorey, visceral violence some people dream of having as an outlet when dealing with shitty customers in retail.

And don't even get me fucking started on Rebecca and Claire who don't have the mercy of that much of a reprieve! Both of them have to deal with politicians from multiple countries, majority men, also questioning and second guessing their every plan while they try to provide life-saving medicine and resources to people who need them. You know what Leon has to hear from politicians? Arrest or kill this guy and go home. Escort this person and go home. They dont' question his competency. I know for a fucking fact Claire and Rebecca get the third degree if they so much as even suggest a faster way to supply necessary footwork in order to rebuild a neighborhood or save lives, meanwhile Leon goes home and does, uh, fucking nothing until he's called onto the next job.

But oooohh ooohh woobie baby pookie puppy daddy waawaa googoo gaga leon kennedy has a dwinking pwoblem. He's soooo babygirl and needs to be cuddled and protected and loved because his job is sooooooo stressful, and he's a victim.

You know who's a fucking victim in this situation post RE2? Sherry goddamn Birkin who apparently has zero fucking contact with Leon for 15 whole years after the government snatched them. YOU KNOW? THE GUY WHO SAID HE'D KEEP AN EYE ON HER FOR CLAIRE. THAT ONE. Did I mention she is a sudden orphan after watching her mom die in front of her? Oh, and her upbringing can be considered questionable at best due to RE6 being a genuine shit show. Oh and she also let doctors experiment on her body in order to A)Fuck around with the G-Virus, and B) figure out cures and vaccines, WHICH MOST OF WERE MADE BY REBECCA ANYWAY WITHOUT HUMAN EXPERIMENTATION? So like!!!! If I want to separate it further by saying who has the worst shitty government job dealing with Umbrella after it's shut down, it still isn't fucking Leon! Can you imagine the hellscape assignments they send Sherry into with her super healing ability??????? I know they're worse because she can survive egregious injury without them using money to provide medical supplies! And you know governments everywhere love cutting corners when it comes to money.

But Leon is blonde ONCE, in ONE GAME, a good game yes but is apparently so iconic his pain magically takes precedent as the worst above everyone else's. And I hate that so fucking much because even Leon doesn't think this about himself! Leon literally doesn't think he has it the worst out of everyone! He just kinda wants to die sometimes which is not the same thing! Yet, the unfortunate amount of fans with little to no media literacy believe otherwise.

#resident evil #re #leon kennedy #jill valentine #rebecca chambers #claire redfield #sherry birkin #anonymous #heh nothing personal kid #re analysis

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galactic-marvelettes · 8 months

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tw: mentions of harassment, a joke about 💀

Fuck Youtuber pranksters who film other people’s humiliation for clout. The fuck is wrong with you? Don’t you have anything better to do than harass retail workers? Our businesses are understaffed, we’e underpaid, sometimes we have to work in shitty conditions and already have some much to put up with in a day – either from management or customers. Last thing we need is you strolling up and filming us melting down so you can somehow feel better about your ugly ass.

I bet you your entire Youtube salary you wouldn’t last one fucking day working in retail / customer service. Have you ever hand stand on your feet 8 hours a day? Have you ever had to take stupid questions from even stupider customers? Have you ever faced harassment from customers who want your head for simply doing your job? Have you ever faced harassment from male customers who want to “get lucky” and won’t take, “No,” for an answer? Have to you ever been snapped at or reduced to tears by management for every little mistake?

You wouldn’t last until noon, asshole.

You think it’s cool to harass people just trying to get by? I wake up wanting to die every day, but I keep showing up and take it all lying down because I need the money and a job until find another. You harassed me. You made unwarranted comments about my appearance and I flipped you off like you deserve. Yet I’m the one getting punished for your behavior and you’re getting praise for it. My < male > co-worker is getting praise for remaining calm, but I’m the one being forced to watch my humiliation and review my behavior and told to maintain my composure in the future because you harassed me and my reaction was warranted.

Between the whole Rachel Zegler thing on social media and now this, it’s been a bad week for decent human beings. The Internet has really just rotted away people’s minds and souls. We have reached a new low if some pathetic little cretin on Youtube can amass 24K views and get praise for being a total asshole to people and absolutely no one calls him out on it.

#youtube #youtubers #youtube pranksters #pranks #pranksters #internet #social media #retail workers #customer service #tw harassment #stop harassing me

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icarus-suraki · 1 year

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@bending-sickle no, we are not. (re: this post)

A huge part of my therapy over the years has been religious anxiety and religious trauma caused by not being part of an extreme or fundamentalist church or anything but just by existing in this culture infused with extreme eschatological beliefs.

I've had people come up to me at the reference desk and spontaneously explain that the discovery of exoplanets is a sign of the apocalypse.

I've had classmates say that they can't wait to die so they can be with Jesus, or that they're envious of someone who died because that person is with Jesus now, or that they're excited about the Rapture and the Apocalypse, or that 9/11 was clearly a sign that the Rapture was coming. Another popular one was "Are you Rapture Ready?"

I got woken up at something like 2am by my college roommate who burst in to collect her Bible and her concordance so she could prove to someone that the Fundamentalist eschatology was undeniably true and here was where it said so in the Bible.

News articles about the second Iraq war would send me into a spiral of anxiety because someone said it was a sign of the End times, streetcorner preachers would freak me out, overhearing people would freak me out, even going to my family's progressive and left-leaning Episcopalian church (just miles removed from the Left Behind crowd) was hard.

I literally went to my family's priest to ask for a "professional" opinion. I had a panic attack in her office because I was so afraid of all of this stuff and whether I was going to be suffering horrors or if I was going to hell. Politicians were saying things. My friends were saying things. My classmates were saying things. I was surrounded by these images of horror and war and being told to get saved get saved GET SAVED, HURRY UP AND GET SAVED, but someone you (I, anyone) was never good enough somehow? Unless you were? I have no idea. It made no sense and yet I was fixated on it.

I first heard about "the world will end in the year 2000" when I was something like 8 or 9 years old and I would literally pray every night that that wouldn't happen. I prayed constantly, which was really more of an OCD symptom than anything.

Every so often, some whackadoo would declare that the world would end on XYZ date and I would panic (and try to keep it a secret as much as I could, not that I was all that skilled at that yet) until that day came and went. Or I'd have a breakdown and cry about it to my mom. I had no idea how she could just brush these things off.

And, yes, I unintentionally believed every ostensible "prophecy" about the end of the world. There's some Catholic "prophecy" about how many popes there will be before the Apocalypse and I'm still hung up on that. The phrase "end of the world" was an OCD no-go. The word "revelation" would set me off. I had to take religion classes in college and that was agony. Some of my OCD therapy was related to religious anxiety. I'm not completely over it either. It's still in me. I still feel this weird spike of panic when I hear from someone who says they're no longer a Christian--it's a purely obsessive thought or an intrusive thought. I'm still hung up on all of this.

There have been so many times that I've wondered if it's worth trying to do anything since the world is going to end soon. Why bother? Why go to school? But ending your own life means you'll go to hell, so don't do that. Just keep suffering. Keep suffering. And maybe, if you're good enough and have Gotten Saved the right way, you'll go to Heaven and be happy someday.

At my absolute worst, I was working in a bookstore and I was afraid of having to walk through the Christianity/religion section because I might see the title of a book that would trigger a full-on panic attack and multi-day anxiety attack while I had to keep working in this shitty retail job.

And this shit is still inside me. I can't seem to purge it out of me.

No. We are Not Okay.

#caution #religion #eschatology #mental illness #ocd #anxiety #depression #panic attacks #i am not okay #religious trauma #religious ocd

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thrawns-babygirl · 8 months

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When you get this, please respond with five things that make you happy! then, send to your last ten people in your notifs (anonymously). you never know who might benefit from spreading positivity. <3

Ooohhh I love this alright five things that make me happy in no particular order:

1. Thrawn. While this could be broadened to Star Wars as a whole, Thrawn specifically is my absolute favourite character ever. I love him so much, I've loved him for years. He was my OG star wars blorbo that turned into a brainrot that has lasted YEARS.

2. Rainy Days. Something about rainy days just gets me. I love walking through the rain with my headphones in listening to some lofi. The smell of the ozone, the sound of the rain, the grey of the sky. All of it is perfect to me.

3. Fanfiction. Goes without saying but fanfiction has been my saving grace for... well over a decade now. From the old FF.net and Wattpad days to Ao3, I will forever read fanfiction and enjoy it. From the horribly formatted ones to the ones that rival some published novels I've read, I will read fanfic until the day I die it has a special place in my heart.

4. Tattoos. I love having tattoos, my ink is nonsensical, has no rhyme or reason, and is basically just a collection of my hyperfixations throughout my life in the form of a sticker sleeve on my right arm. I'm going to keep adding to it the moment I have more money to.

5. My job. I'm blessed with the fact I work in a cool hobby shop filled with amazing co workers and really nice regulars. Yeah sometimes the customers can be annoying but overall I could be working retail in some shitty industry instead of trading cards, collectables and boardgames. While the money isn't the best (hence getting a second job) I still feel so so lucky that I'm able to work in the nerd industry surrounded by like minded individuals.

Thank you for this ask anon, its lovely to think about the things that make me happy.

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pompadourpink · 4 years

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hey mom can you educate me about money pls

Hey kid,

Very broad topic but here are a few ideas:

(Disclaimer: this is written by a European with free healthcare who never had to worry about credit score or student loans)

#1. Have a second bank account and transfer money there monthly:

It doesn’t have to be a huge amount, but make it one you won’t miss. No need to aim for 400€ if you have to transfer some of it back to pay bills.

Aim for twelve months worth of rent + bills + any monthly expense (pet food, therapist, gym, etc.): that is going to be your emergency money; medical, if you get sick, material, if something breaks, professional, if you lose your job. No “Oh I don’t have enough on Account #1 to pay for my Uber Eats delivery”.

Make sure you don’t pay more than you should: there are ways to lower your monthly charges; I recently halved my phone bill by sacrificing unlimited calls and 50 GB of data I didn’t need.

#2. Unless you’re in a place temporarily or a traveller at heart, invest in what you buy. Don’t purchase the same 10€ pair of H&M trainers over and over again: get a good sturdy pair of shoes that will be in your closet in fifteen years instead (and avoid trends, of course); then, take good care of them and go to the cobbler/tailor/etc. when needed. That logic works for:

anything that separates you from the ground (bed, car, etc.)

anything that you need regularly (fan, pans, hairdryer, etc.).

You don’t want that super useful thing to die after three weeks and 1/ having to buy it again, ergo spend more money and 2/ wait until it comes, i.e. be in a complicated situation in the meantime. Instead of buying Shitty Object A for 15€ and then Shitty Object B for 20 and hope for the best, make it a 50 now (after you researched its durability through customers reviews, of course).

Planned obsolescence is a real thing. My dad has a radio he bought in the seventies - it looks awful, but still works perfectly. If it were to fall on my foot, I would be the one getting damaged.

#3. Think about your long-term goals. Let’s say you want to buy a house or have four children: is it preferable to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with the girls tonight or invite them over and cook? You’ll enjoy food for twenty minutes and a house for a lifetime.

A friend of mine is currently dating a loaded guy and complained that, when grocery shopping together, he nitpicks and only wants to buy food that's on sale, whereas she doesn’t mind paying three extra pounds for fresh strawberries. But then, she concluded, that’s how he owns three apartments. Priorities!

Other little things:

Don’t fall into the trap of consumerism. No, you don’t need those shoes (you want them!); no, don’t buy gems for a game when you could wait three hours; no, secondhand things don’t look or smell bad. Death to retail therapy, see a doctor!

IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT TWICE, YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT.

Avoid as much as possible borrowing money from the bank, especially for something non-essential, as with debt comes interest; it can also put you in a bad position if you pass your deadline or need an urgent second loan for an actual emergency. Banks aren’t the Salvation Army.

Also, very specific but: hide 50€ somewhere in your house and 20 somewhere at work or at school. If something ever happens to your bank card, that will keep you out of trouble and hunger.

Don’t tell people how much you earn/saved. It’s a trap.

Between your well-being and money, choose yourself. If you are in an abusive relationship, leave; if you need medical help, go; you’ll always find a way to make things right later.

Love,

Mum

#ask #malks

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everymovie2020 · 5 years

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Single White Female (1992)

Date watched: 12 October 2019

Continuing on with my Saturday afternoon 90s thriller-fest, another movie I haven't seen in a really, really long time. Single White Female is really something.

First of all, can we talk about the apartment she lives in? This massive apartment with hardly any furniture, in downtown Manhattan, in a heritage building, with no air-conditioning or fans or… much of anything, and it's falling apart, and she just lives there alone? HOW?

I mean, it's 1992 so like, obviously the rent is cheaper, but fucking hell. She is right in the middle of downtown Manhattan and it's a massive apartment. How the hell does she afford it?

And I mean, even when Jennifer Jason Leigh moves in – she's only working in retail, so… HOW DO THEY AFFORD IT?

Oh wait – it's rent controlled. I just remembered. I'm not sure what that means but I know from Friends and Sex and the City that it's a good thing to have in New York. Okay, so fine, the apartment is explained. I'll allow it.

Plot:

Bridget Fonda lives in a sprawling Manhattan apartment – SPRAWLING. She's dating Steven Weber, and they're going to get married, but then she finds out that he fucked his ex-girlfriend. So she drops him, but she's sad about it because she really loved him.

She puts in an ad for a roommate, interviews a bunch of options and finally settles on Jennifer Jason Leigh (who I'm now going to refer to as JJL because three names is a killer). JJL moves in, they bond, they become friends, they get a puppy – even though Bridget did not want the puppy and JJL manipulated her into keeping it – and then Steven Weber comes back into the picture in a big, big way.

The problem is that JJL is either in love with Bridget or simply obsessed with her. At first I thought it was straight up lesbian love, but it's more than that. You see, JJL had a twin sister who died when they were young, and she's trying to replace her with Bridget. But then there's kissing. So I don't know.

Look, I love my friends, but I don't kiss them, is all I'm saying.

So when Steven Weber comes back, and the relationship starts up again, suddenly JJL needs to move out. So she kills the dog (oh, I'm sorry, it "accidentally dies"), she tries to sow the seeds of doubt into Bridget's mind about her relationship, she is just basically very unsettling and manipulative, and then one day she cuts and dyes her hair the exact same style as Bridget.

It is bananas.

And she thinks Bridget will be cool with it.

It is bananas. The logic is bananas.

So Bridget is finally starting to cotton onto what we, the viewer, have known this entire time – bitch be crazy. But Bridget is too fucking nice, right? Which I think is a fatal flaw a lot of women have, because… here you have this person, who you are friends with, who you've been living with, who you are bonded with, and now all of a sudden the red flags are showing but you're trying to extract yourself as gracefully as possible without resorting to acting like a total bitch, and it keeps blowing up in her face.

In order to make Steven Weber out to be a cheater and to prove to Bridget that… men can't be trusted, I guess, JJL dresses up as Bridget, goes over to Steven's hotel room and gives him a surprise blow job, and when he wakes up mid-blowie and realises it's not Bridget, he tries to get her to stop but she's on a mission and he comes anyway. Then he's wracked with guilt, and she's like, "You liked it," and I'm like, "You just raped him," and she's like, "You're a cheater, once a cheater always a cheater," and he's like, "Fuck you," and I'm like, "You just raped him."

Then Steven Weber is like, no fuck you, I'll tell Bridget what a psycho you are, and then she stabs him in the head with a stiletto heel.

It bums me out that he died. He really didn't deserve to die. Yeah, he cheated on Bridget, but she'd forgiven him and they were moving on. It was supremely shitty of JJL to stab him in the head with a high heel. It's just rude.

So JJL goes home, tells Bridget she's moving out (spoiler alert – she has other plans) and sets about cleaning the apartment. Then while JJL is out, a very specific news bulletin tells Bridget that a man was killed in the same hotel as Steven Weber, and even reveals the room number, so when she rings the hotel she pretty much confirms that he was the one killed.

That is when JJL's evil scheme is revealed – she's planning to frame Bridget for murder and then kill her and disappear into the wind, making it look like a murder suicide. And the reason she was frantically cleaning the apartment was to get rid of her fingerprints, though I find it laughable that she thinks that just by cleaning her room she would get rid of all of her fingerprints throughout the entire apartment after living there for a few months. Nice try, JJL.

Anyway, they fight, and then they go up to the gay friend's apartment (JJL knocked him unconscious what seems like a few days ago and he has just been chilling in a bathtub since then? You're led to believe he's dead but like, he's been unconscious in a bathtub for days. No food or water. He would not be a well man. Also, when they show him in the bathtub, they show his very loyal ginger cat sitting on top of him and purring loudly, so it is my belief that the ginger cat was taking good care of him), where JJL ties Bridget up to a chair. So now the plan is that Bridget has convinced her not to kill her, and they are going to run away together with new identities and brown hair, but of course Bridget's actual plan is to escape, and they fight, and then JJL is getting the upper hand when the guy everyone thought was dead (except the kitty, the very loyal ginger kitty) bursts out of the bathroom and saves the day.

But then he gets knocked out again, and JJL ties up Bridget and then goes down to the basement to get a human woman-sized suitcase to put her body in (at this point I'm like why the fuck don't you just take her back down to her apartment and kill her there like you were going to, but wtf do I know), when Stephen Tobolowsky turns up to "save the day".

Now I haven't talked about him before because I honestly forgot about him until this very moment, but here's the deal – he owns a fashion business and Bridget has provided him with fashion software. He then tried to come onto her and demand that she sleep with him (very #metoo), and she told him to fuck off. So he has been withholding her last payment, but she's a smarty who put data erasing software into her computer program if they failed to pay her.

The whole reason he goes around to "save the day" is because he was going to scream at her to stop her data erasing program even though he didn't pay her for the work done and he also sexually harassed her, and he acts like saving her is a real chore for him, and then he gets killed. So like… sucks to be Stephen Tobolowsky?

I may have gotten this somewhat out of order, but two people intervene trying to help Bridget and both of them get taken out. She finally almost gets the upper hand and almost escapes in the elevator, but JJL forces her way in and they fight all the way down to the basement. It's there that JJL strangles Bridget and thinks she's killed her, but in a perfect 90s horror movie twist ending, when JJL goes back to Bridget's lifeless body to drag it to the incinerator – seriously, PEOPLE WOULD'VE NOTICED IF SHE WAS MISSING, THIS PLAN IS SUPER FLAWED, AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT YOU LIVED IN A BUILDING FOR MONTHS AND DIDN'T SEE ANY OF THE OTHER TENANTS, JFC – Bridget is gone.

Anyway, they fight again and Bridget finally kills the bitch, and all's well that ends well – except for Steven Weber, the dog, Stephen Toblowsky and I'm guessing the gay friend would probably have some lingering health issues as well, and of course not to mention the trauma Bridget has gone through that will undoubtedly affect her entire life.

So that's Single White Female in all its early 90s glory – I mean, if you're looking for a snapshot of the fashion of the very early 90s in New York, this is your movie, because holy shitballs there's some interesting looks. And I don't even know what to categorise Bridget's hair as. It's a sassy little cut and it's super out of fashion now, but I remember that look being all the rage.

#single white female #1992 #movies #Movie Reviews #bridget fonda #jennifer jason leigh #steven weber #stephen tobolowsky #a heroic cat #a heroic gay friend #new york real estate #seriously that apartment was unattainable let's face it

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enjoylove42-blog · 5 years

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The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not Protect you

God’s Will… What is it? Why is God’s will sometimes so damn hard to figure out? How do we as mere mortals even begin to determine what His will for our lives is just for today, much less for our whole life?

A few years ago I did some real bad shit. I was stuck in a chaotic life running rampant in My Own Self-Will. I woke up one day, went to breakfast with friends, laughed, enjoyed the beautiful warmth of the sunshine, and was enveloped in God’s beautiful world of love and joy. Later that afternoon, I shot up heroin for the first time. It was actually the first time I put a needle in my body. Unfortunately, it would not be the last. I was 35 years old. It was a good day up to that point. I thought I was living a purposeful life. I had joy in my heart and wanted to share my inner peace with others. I was happy. I had absolutely no valid reason to put the poison in my veins. Or did I?

Back up to those three words, “I was Happy.” My sick demented mind probably assumed that if I was happy and life was good , how could anything possibly go wrong? Boy, it was the beginning of a lifestyle full of the three D’s. DECEIT, DESTRUCTION, & DESPAIR. I’m not sure if it was the drug or the needle, but I immediately spiraled down the rabbit hole. I was hooked instantaneously. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t get high enough, stick myself enough times, or just attain the level of out of body freedom i was desperately searching for every minute of every day. The level of insanity and chaos that ensued from that day on until I went to jail can only be described as pathetic, disturbing, deplorable, disgraceful, and wretched.

Within one month of the first rush, I had lost every morsel of inner peace, joy and rays of fucking sunshine I previously described to you. I lost all sense of ME. The woman I had known for 35 slipped away. All of the core values instilled in me since birth vanished. I no longer had the capability to differentiate between right and wrong. The only thing I could comprehend was, “I have to maintain. I HAVE TO do whatever it takes to pull that red rose bud back and push the enervating drug into my dwindling dehydrated veins. Be damned laws, morals, or spirituality. I had to invite the toxic venom into my body as many times a day as I possibly could.

I loved the venom, but I also loved the point. The repeated pricking and sticking of my skin. My track marks were like a map of misery no one seemed to even notice. I was bruised black, blue, green, and purple. A mental and physical avow of what I had to endure to remember I was still human. The pain was good. When all my veins knotted and dried up and the only place left was my neck to inject the forbiddenfruit, I welcomed the misery with open arms. Just one more stop on the road to my madness.

During this time I did the most selfish act of my entire life. I ABANDONED MY CHILDREN. It wasn’t until five years later in rehab, that I stepped out of denial and realized just how shitty I was to my own flesh and blood. My Babies!!! They needed me to pull my wicked shit together and be their mother, but my sick fucking mind convinced myself, they were better off anywhere on this planet but with me. Until the day I die, the look of disbelief and fear on their faces, as well as, the huge crocodile tear that rolled down my youngest son’s beautiful cheek as I dumped them off, will forever be embedded in my mind and heart. In that moment, i honestly believed I was doing the best thing I could for them WAKE UP LINDA!!!!! What would have been best for those precious innocent children was for me to quit fucking up our lives, quit banging dope into my veins, get over myself, turn around scoop them up, and be their fucking Mom. I cannot ever begin to express with words the guilt and shame I carry within myself for this inconceivable action. Yes, it was an action. I drove away that day impregnated with two feelings: grief and relief. I was full of self loathing and self pity. However, I was also discharged from a duty I was no longer capable of performing. As long as my children were with me i was not able to fully bow down to my selfish obsessions and compulsions. I was required to feed them, clothe them, keep utilities on, and provide a seemingly stable environment for them. Finally, I was able to think only of My next attempt to mainline my newfound god. I could feed my desires and fuck whoever dared step onto the pavement leading me down the highway to hell. If you have ever been in full blown addiction, you understand that I was incapable of providing them with their needs for very long. I didn’t love myself anymore and no longer required anything other than my next dose of smack. I was as previously stated, deplorable.

At this juncture in my life, there were absolutely no holds barred. Please understand, I was beyond help. I was in the inner rings of hell and my life point blank fucking sucked. No amount of prayer, tears, or pleading could relieve me of ME. I stole from every single store I walked into. I slept with men for crumbs of dope, I lied to every single person who crossed my path. I was so diabolical in my methods that when someone encountered me, they were meeting a twisted sick chameleon who could and would convince you that what we did was your idea and that it was critical for everyone’s survival in the world. People gave me money, drugs, food, a place to sleep, etc.. and I always made them believe whatever they did for me was actually for them, and it was in their best interest to do it. I was a conniving incorrigible cunt. I hated myself. I hated you. I hated God, I hated the fact that I had to work so hard at being a constant mastermind of corruption. Inside my head, I honestly believed that I deserved to have whatever it was my addiction desired. I believed I was an entitled HBIC, but truthfully, the only thing i really deserved was contempt and mistrust. I had become what my father once said, during my childhood, he hated more than anything: A thief and a liar.

I will never forget the night before I went away. I was lying on some asshole’s couch, and in an instant complete and total desperation engulfed my entire being. Deep down in the core of my soul the real “Angie” cried out a long and sorrowful plea. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I commenced to pray. (Some individuals would argue this fervent prayer to be a foxhole prayer.) That being said, It was as if I had split into two people during that time and the evil diabolical “me” had taken over my body and suppressed the real “me” deep into the depths of my bowels. I had been trapped in the darkness and my spirit broke free with a mighty jolt. I wanted all of the irrational absurdity to end. I prayed for God to help me. To relieve me of the demons that controlled my spirit, for God to take me into His arms and hold me close, to save me from me. I prayed that he would get me out of the situation by any means necessary, but not jail. I didn’t want to go to jail. (At this point I had no idea I was a wanted woman.) I felt in that moment a spiritual awakening, because i felt, for the second time in a few short months, RELIEF. I had just admitted to myself that I was powerless over the drug and lifestyle I had designed and my entire life was undoubtedly and undeniably unmanageable. It was like the ceiling of that crusty one room hole I was sharing with three other people, opened up and God covered me in a hedge of protection for the night.

Do not ever doubt that the God of my understanding has a sense of humor. He does. He also knew the only way to remove me from that “modus vivendi” was to lock me up and sit my junkie ass down. I had charges pending in four mid-Tennessee counties. I had been on the news for theft at multiple large retail stores in Nashville and the surrounding areas.

Please understand, I deserved to go to jail. I had been doing ”the Most” with all disregard for consequences. It was as if in my mind I didn’t comprehend that “I” was breaking the law. I was doing what I had to do to maintain. I couldn’t work with track marks all over my body, I could not pass a drug screen, and first and foremost had to keep myself off sick every morning. How could I possibly maintain the requirements for an honest job during this time? I could rationalize every despicable behaviour until all the king’s horses and all the king’s men figure how to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I was, as so straightforwardly stated in the rooms of AA, in a state of spiritual, moral, and physical bankruptcy. In order to help relieve me of my will and help me better do HIs, God saw it fit for me to do 15 long months in various county jails. I took this time and severed myself from a sick toxic relationship I had been in for years. I took every class the jails offered. I did two rehabilitation programs in two different county jails. I reconnected myself spiritually and slowly regained my morals. God began providing me with miracles. My father and I reconnected through letters during this time. I did not get visits like all the other inmates, but I got mail everyday. I began to walk for at least a couple of hours each day in the small pod we were housed in, and my body started to feel better. After a whole year of incarceration my track marks healed and my obsession for the venom of heroin left my mind. When I was finally released on November 7, 2016, i returned home physically, mentally, and spiritually healed. Not cured, for a true mentally disturbed sick addicted individual like me, there is no cure. Only a daily reprieve that is dependent on my spiritual and emotional well-being. At the end of this chapter of my life I learned that God answers prayers. He gives us exactly what we need when we can and will receive it. Ultimately my self will run riot led me into a cold dank jail cell where God’s will began to take over my life and send me down a path I would not believe I deserved, at that time. WIth that being said, I will end this period of my life with one last thought: “Be ok with not knowing for sure what might come next, but know that whatever it is...YOU will be ok.” -author unknown.

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sablexinferno · 5 years

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brain dump. 20190924

...so I’ve never been great at knowing when my feelings are feelings and when they are just “feelings.” Like...feelings brought on my Pre-MS hormone shifts. Or...feelings brought on by Post-MS hormone shifts. Or if they’re caused by the birth control I’m taking. Or if they’re caused by lack of food.

Well...that last one is actually mostly easy.

Yesterday...it was so hard to convince myself to get out of bed to go to work. I ended up leaving the house at 8...which is when I’m supposed to be at work. Thankfully my manager doesn’t mind too much if I’m late. He’s said as long as I have 80 hours on my timecards, I’m good. But also I think that’s part of the problem. He doesn’t really mind, so it’s not a big deal if I can’t convince myself to get out of bed for 2 hours after my alarms go off.

I also should probably get my thyroid crap checked out. My mom, sister, and gramma all have (or had) issues with theirs and I’ve read about symptoms of...I think it’s hypothyroidism ? Anyways...whichever one gives you brain fog. My brain is so foggy almost all of the time. It’s so incredibly frustrating, especially since I kind of need my brain to not be foggy for work. I should schedule a doctor appointment soon. And a dentist appointment.

But also, nope, because anxiety.

I did speak to a therapist for a little bit. It sort of helped. She validated my feelings at the time and it was nice, but now I’m back to this thought process of “Are my feelings really my feelings ?” and then just not letting myself feel them. Old habits die hard I guess. She thought a lot of holding my feelings back was because of my dad and how angry he gets. And don’t get me wrong, that’s still scary. I still scurry up to my room when he gets home and is pissed after a difficult day at his job. And I can’t blame him, retail sucks and people are so fucking dumb.

Also in therapy I wondered how my parents (especially my mom) weren’t depressed or anxious about stuff. I ended up asking my mom because I was so curious and the answer was....

......

...........

WEED !

I can’t smoke weed, though. Well...I mean I can. It just doesn’t get me high. I’ve done it all the ways you can smoke it, and I inhaled right, and don’t ask me what the strain was because I don’t even remember anymore. It is kind of disappointing, though, because I think it might help my novel, but also I don’t really want to get high anymore. My friend Stephanie gave me half a pot brownie last winter and it wasn’t really doing anything and even though I have read countless stories of this exact scenario and knowing how badly it can turn out, she convinced me to eat the other half of the brownie since the first half wasn’t doing anything. That was a big mistake.

She then asked me to setup her wifi, a thing I have done a million times, and I couldn’t remember what to do. It was a struggle to get through, and afterwards we ended up watching TV in the living room. Her son used my legs as a pillow and I don’t even remember what they were watching, but they kept looking at me and giggling, and my paranoia kept growing with every giggle. Every time my gaze moved, it took like 2.5 seconds for my brain to catch up and that was not an enjoyable feeling. I ended up having to stay the night because I was just too high. So I don’t think that’s for me.

Getting drunk on the other hand..........

well....I have a complicated history with alcohol. I wasn’t really interested in it when I was in high school, but I moved out at 18 and into a trailer park with my boyfriend at the time, Oliver. He’d always go to his friend’s house and play roleplaying games and be there until like 5 in the morning. And then we were in college, so he’d sleep for like 2 hours and then we’d have to go to class. I had to remind him to do homework, I had to always wash our laundry and put it away, I had to cook dinner or else he wouldn’t eat, I was pretty much his god damned mother and that was not fun at all. But anyways, before my relationship with him, I’d been through some pretty shitty...well shit and wasn’t in a good place mentally. So he’d be gone, and I’d be drinking white russians and wallowing in my misery.

The first time I ever puked from alcohol I was Stephanie’s house, was feeling very very very impulsive, and had 5 shitty Budweiser’s in an hour. With nothing to eat that day. Good decisions, all around, I know. Once I broke up with Oliver, I moved in with Stephanie and that’s a whole other story.

I had more to say but I think this is enough brain dump for now.

Peace biznitches.

#brain dump #blog #off my chest #life shit #get off my lawn #gxf texts

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proteusolm · 5 years

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If I don’t go to college I get to work in retail and pay bills until I die. If I go to college I get to probably end up working a job I don’t enjoy but is technically better and pay bills until I die. I love capitalism.

I dunno, I’m probably just depressed atm and being negative as a result, but I’m feeling less positive about going into post-secondary education than I was a week ago.

The main program I’ve been looking at is horticulture, because I am really passionate about plants. But, job prospects after getting a college horticultural technician degree are... basically just landscaping. Landscaping has never at all appealed to me. Plus, it’s seasonal work, which obviously isn’t ideal. In my high school hort classes I was the teacher’s greenhouse person. I’d work in there while other people went to do more landscaping related things. There was some students in the greenhouse who didn’t know what they were doing? I was the one he asked to tell them what to do or to keep an eye on them. My plant passions lie in propagating and caring for plants, learning about their biology, and plants in the wild and how they function in the ecosystem. Not mowing rich people’s lawns and trimming hedges. Ultimately I’m far more interested in botany than horticulture.

I’ve also been looking at environmental stuff. There’s only really two schools in the province offering them at a college level, though (in English at least). Both are far, one being 2-ish hours drive while the other is 7. People go far away for school, that’s just a thing, and I WANT to get out of this city at least temporarily anyway... but I suppose I’m still freaked out by it. It’s intimidating! I’m a baby who’s been living in (or less than 15 minutes away from) the same city my whole life! Anyway, jobs, back to whining about jobs. I’m mostly interested in the fish and wildlife or the ecosystem management programs. I think my fears here are more that I’d end up in an office rather than the field, which I’m not sure if my shitty adhd brain which can only take satisfaction from hands-on or really engaging work, could handle that. But, I suppose that applies to, like, almost anything I could study so mayhaps I should just suck it up and deal with the fear of not knowing what comes next, and hope I someday land a job I can feel productive and happy in.

#personal #i feel whiny today! okay!

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zodiacrant · 5 years

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100 facts about me 😁

My name is Hussain and I am a 19 year old boy

I am 6’1

I live on an Island called Bahrain

I am a Taurus

Aquarius is my dominant sign

I am a fashion designer (an actual one)

I am studying English literature in university

I hate alchol and drugs because when I tried them I instantly hated everything about them even more

I never got kissed before

Still have my V card

Dated only two people in my life. One wanted me for a three some and the other turned out to be 42 years old.

I hate trends

I am an aggressive person until you prove me that you deserve otherwise

I love to write but I have a shitty hand writing

I was only in one physical fight in which I hit someone with a hair dryer and I have a scar on my right brow from it

I am a salty and bitter bitch and I won’t deny it

I am always loud, I don’t know how to lower or rise my voice

I have traveled to 7 countries and I hated all of them

Never had a job in retail or costumer service

I write poetry

I keep a journal

I dyed my hair bright blue and my mom almost had a stroke

I am bad at relating and understanding others

I never had a friend that didn’t have some bullshit going on(no like actual big time shit loads of bullshits)

I went to an all boys school

I did witchcraft

I went to a scrap yard and a junk yard at night

Was hated by the whole school and still was that Bitch

One time a kid made fun of me and said that I played with Barbies so the next day I came with my Barbie and the were shook and some even played with it

I was sexually assault 7 times in middle school but I always fought back and told

3 dads gave me their number outside of school

My friend was raped by his dad when I was in their house

I hate going outside

I have an allergy from cinnamon

I am scared shitless of heights and the ocean

I hate lazy and dependable people

I suffered from eating disorder from around the age of 8 until the age of 16

I was skinny shamed into obesity because skinny kids are not cute

I used binge eating as a form of suicide in which I was hoping to die of diabetes or high blood pressure or cholesterol while I was asleep

I never hated myself I just hated people

Enough with the sappy shit

My favorite artists of all times are Ariana and Kesha and Miley

I don’t like extreme music like rap and metal

I researched world problems since I was a little kid

I love food

I prefer cats over dogs but they’re both very cute

I don’t like kids but I love how you can see humans for who they’re fully in them with no boundaries

I hate Disney movies besides a few exceptions

Horror movies and comedy movies are my favorite

I love cheesy teen movies and chick flicks

Two broke girls is my all time favorite tv series

I had 16 pet and they all died within a week or two from having them

Once I was playing toss and catch with my turtle and one day it went up and never came down(like seriously I couldn’t find the Bitch anywhere)

I have three sisters

I witnessed more deaths than births in my life

I hate gender wars I think it’s very stupid and irritating to me to think one gender is better than the other and the rest of that whole fiasco

I don’t tolerate ignorance,stupidity,lack of self research,self based opinions on serious matters

I am very good at geography and history

I have a serious issue with emotions as I can wake up and feel nothing for people that I love and the whole relationship goes in vain very quickly and I have been working on it

Short term thinking and lack of ambition makes me question your importance as a person

My biggest pet peeve is people who say they’re smart or good or bad and they’re serious about it yet their actions prove otherwise

I love the color pink

I hate movies and going to the movies

Conventional dates bore me

I give people three months before deciding on what is our relationship

I love theories and I always think of different outcomes and mash different events with each other and what each event have caused and what would’ve happened if it didn’t

I have a very busy brain

I never came out but I was always gay

I was always interested in horoscopes and astrology but only until I was 13 I went more in-depth

I studied psychology in high school and self learning of course

The holocaust is the most interesting world event for me as I always had an attraction to it

I believe religion is like the equivalent of a constitution in the past so it’s basically laws that if you don’t agree with then you don’t so I don’t see why people make as this big majestic thing

I sympathize with the French Royalty during the French Revolution because they didn’t do anything but those who were not part of the family and in power played both parties and got out of it

I studied law for a course before dropping out

My dad used to plant racist and sexist ideas in my brain when I was younger thankfully I am smarter than that

My dream as a kid was to rule the world

I have been on a continuous dream ever since I was a baby as I dream as another person that lives in a different world but i always dream as that person and that world and it always continues

I feel like I’m a lucky person for much of strengths and blessings I have, someone told me it was because my Chinese sign is a rabbit which symbolizes luck

I fear failure subconsciously

I am gay but Demisexual is my sexuality

I saw a lot of dicks for a virgin

When i was 18 i had a plan that stated if I wasn’t successful and happy enough by the age of 21 I would kill myself by a plant that I knew would kill me slowly but without pain

I hit my sister with a rake on her head once because I thought she was a cat

Although I hate math I’m very good at it

I took P.E writing test instead of the physical one because I hate sports and a bitch don’t move like that

I was in the swimming team until apparently “I was too fat to join” but yet I had a better record than all of the other hoes

Fallout,the Sims,Mass effect and civilization are my favorite video games

I love riddles and mysteries

#zodiacrant #100 facts

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anewdiscipleofdiscipline · 5 years

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The Endless Abyss

Going to be a whiny post so... Fair warning.

Well. No one's ever going to read this whole fucking thing anyway, so I suppose it doesn't really matter...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So last night, since it's a long weekend, I stayed up late, as I do every weekend, because late at night is the only time I get to myself. However, this time, my dad kept calling for me every 30 to 90 minutes. The whole fucking night. From the time we put him to bed at 11 something, until I went to bed at 6 am-ish.

The whole fucking night.

Then today, I help my mom get him out of the house and into the car so they can go for a drive, because my dad has spent the last several months (until the last couple) being trapped in the house. Finally, some time to myself. I was glad for it... Until my mom and dad got home, we got him put of the car and back into the chairlift... And the fucking thing BROKE. BROKE.

He was ON IT when it broke. My mom and I "caught" him (for lack of a better term) and "threw him" (also for lack of a better term) into his wheelchair.

He's a 350 lb man. That's a LOT of stairs. He can't walk, and we can't carry him. I hurt my back preventing him from getting hurt.

Now we have no way of getting him in and out of the house.

Luckily, we were able to get 911 to send paramedics and they helped us get him into the house...

Except 10 minutes after that, he started having severe chest pains and starts bellowing that he's having a heart attack so we had to call 911 right back, and they took him to the hospital.

He's fine now, wasn't a heart attack.

Then my sister comes home. Last night, she spent the night at a dude's house she's been seeing. Then she came home, showered, and went to a DIFFERENT dude's house right after.

I don't have a problem with that, what I have a problem with is...

Why THE FUCK can't I find even one, JUST ONE, fucking person to do... Fucking anything with.

It doesn't have to be a relationship, let's face it, I don't fucking want one right now, nor would I be able to handle one with everything that's happening, but I can't keep fucking anyone's interest. Not a single person's.

Her telling me that was such a fucking punch in the gut. I'm sacrificing my body, my time, my mental health, my LIFE, and my patience to help my dad... And she's able to date 2 people at once. She's having fun and enjoying life while I'm trapped and miserable. She's home less than my brother was when he still lived her while flipping his own house in a different town.

I'm so angry and upset by this. Like, I get that she has chronic pain, and can't help us because of it and the physical weakness that goes with it... So she's paying for this life on her own way... BUT AT LEAST SHE HAS GOOD THINGS TO HOLD ON TO.

I have fucking nothing. Fucking. Nothing.

I'm living the same life now that I was in middle school... High school... University... The second university... Through 3 shitty jobs...

My dad's going to die soon.

My friends don't talk to me, or if they do, they don't spend time with me at all, and believe me, I've fucking asked.

I failed to do well in school. I tried. I tried SO FUCKING HARD. But there was always something in the way. Depression. PTSD. Anxiety. Seizures. Back injury that laid me up for a month. Nearly losing friends who suffered from their own mental health issues (between the not eating and not sleeping for the several months this went on, I'm kind of surprised I didn't die).

There was always something. I tried changing study habits. I tried learning everything I could about learning so I could learn and study more effectively. I got meds for my ADHD. I worked through many nights, using so many energy drinks, and that may have ended up causing my seizures.

But then either a health or mental or some other issue would happen and it would all shatter. I'd fall terribly behind and never be able to catch up. And trust me, some months I didn't do anything fun or enjoyable or for myself. Work. Study. Attend class. Study more. Sleep a little. Eat a little.

Fail a lot.

I did eventually get a degree... But I got into post secondary at 19, and finished officially at 29. For a BA. Not even in the program I changed schools for, but in the program that's a "step down" from it.

So I don't have academics to boost my self esteem with.

How bout work? Nope. Retail for several years (5+), factory work, courier job that literally nearly killed me. Back to factory work to escape courier job...

No idea what to do that'll make me happy. No thoughts of finding anything that will make me happy anymore.

Friendships/relationships? My friends from high school are still one big group... They still hang out and do shit together. They still talk. You know who they don't talk to or even really include at all? Fucking me. And I've even talked to them about it. I even told them about my mental health issues and how hard it is for me to reach out to people, how hard it is for me to be social because of it, and practically begged them to include me anyways.

No dice.

I've had and lost so many good friends, too. Some used me up, and tossed me aside. Some used me into I tossed THEM aside. Some just ghosted me, despite my efforts to stay in touch. Some I had major falling outs with. I do have some long term friendships... And yet... Even these people don't spend time with me. Don't even ask. All of my friendships right now... ALL of them... Are conducted entirely online.

As for relationships... I don't fucking know. I don't feel monogamous relationships are for me... BUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE POLY ARE A SMALL POPULATION. And then the people who like me and are poly are a basically non-existent population...

But I can't be the way I'd rather be. Now that I know, I can't go back.

My sister doesn't identify as polyamorous... Yet in practice, she's participating in it more than I ever have.

I've never really dated. I've been on 1 real date in my entire life, and that went nowhere.

I've only had sex with 3 people in my entire life. And with 2 of them, it was once each. 3 times with the other.

They all cast me aside after. Or things ended terribly.

Now that I want to try and date, try to have sex, and utilize the knowledge I learned on the topic, to try and enjoy my life, I feel like I'm not allowed. Because nobody wants me. Because I'm working a shit job and don't have my own place. Because I have to be home to help care for my dying father. Because my siblings have fucked off in their own ways.

Because I was sexually assaulted as a child and suffer for it.

Because I'm not normal.

Because I'm perceived by society as a loser.

Because I'm too hairy.

Because I'm broken.

Because I'm not good enough.

Because I'm not successful enough.

I know life isn't fair... But this feels excessive. This is too much. It's all not so terrible that anyone would feel like it's tragic if I tell them and explain it all, but it's bad enough that I feel like I've been massacred inside.

My dad's going to die, probably within the next year. I work a shitty job with no prospects or ideas or energy or motivation for a better one. My mental and physical health is garbage, despite all the time in therapy, exercise, learning so I can rehab, meds or specialists I've seen. I'm not good at anything. I'm not well liked. Girls don't want or like me, especially not for the things I'm looking for. I'm stuck at home caring for my dad. My siblings are both out enjoying their lives as much as they can while I'm stuck in the abyss.

I don't enjoy anything anymore.

You know what the worst part is? I have no one else to blame but myself. I’m the common denominator. For all of it. I mean, I can’t explain how bad my luck is for all of the things out of my control, but even that feels like it must be my fault.

I give up.

I've got nothing left.

It's too much disappointment. And not enough reward for all the pain.

That's all, folks. That's the whole show.

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wavemaker9 · 5 years

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wanted to address details of depressed diego, there’s a main focus on suicidal thoughts + like a very brief mention of self harm so careful as needed

The more i think about it, though, the more i just feel like the only reason diego’s even still around is taking rosa in? Like i think i already touched on her being the reason he cleans his life up even slightly from where he was when younger, but it can’t just be that. he’s a depressed guy with little energy, not much going on in his life, and no real motivation to get it to any place that’s sustainable long term. When he was in his late teens/early 20s he knew he had a whole life still to go and a lot of expectations placed on him to do something with it and no want to do that. Like my depression first started in late high school when I was expected to start looking for colleges to go to and it built back up after i graduated college and had to start looking for a job because i was so worried of having to go into a stressful retail job or something that i knew i wouldn’t be able to handle. This kid’s more lazy and worse at socializing than even I am and he’s doing those stressful retail/food jobs like pizza delivery literally just because money is needed to live. and like. I don’t think he was ever actively planning on doing anything, but he definitely had at least a few of those ‘hmm i could just step out into the street right now and not have to worry about this shit anymore’ moments.

suicidal humor probably was (and likely still is) a big crutch to him to a point. “You know what would be better than [minor effort]? Death.” is probably a joke he mentally has/does make a /lot/, and might even slip out to friends he trusted not to get all weird about it. ‘(Diego tapping the side of his head) Don’t have to go to work to make money to live if you’re dead.’ One of the occasional jokes he’ll fall back on when asked why he sleeps so much is def ‘It’s the closest I can get to death’ if he thinks it won’t cause a big thing. I don’t think he’s to the level of Kyle in a day to day basis of almost inviting death, the real diego would probably pass up several opportunities to die. Diego doesn’t have the energy to live the reckless lifestyle Kyle does and I also don’t think he’s one for just general self harm like Kyle often can be. Might be related to the blood issues, either the cause of them or them being the cause of this, but even if not related, that’s a concrete thing I think, diego having no interest in self harm actions. The reverse of Kyle, he wants to keep his pain only sexual, please.

But I also do think that, also unlike kyle, if /actually/ faced with death, he wouldn’t suddenly realize he’s not as cool with it as he thought he was. If anything, maybe realizes he’s way more okay with it than he expected? Assumed it would be a ‘but if really faced with it I wouldn’t be as chill about it’ scenario but has since come to terms with ‘okay but maybe i would?’. But then he had to take Rosa in and that gave him a more concrete reason to have to do these things, to have to stay alive, because Rosa needed someone to help look out for her. I think that also factoring into why she still lives with him. Not just afraid to move out because Extra Responsibility + Diego might slump back down into terrible living conditions, but also like. If that’s how he felt at a young age with his whole life ahead of him, imagine how he’d feel now getting older. But on the other hand, I think even with her living with him, he’s starting to see she’s still maturing into a more capable adult. It’s slow, but he’s starting to believe she could manage without him again. Again, he’s not actively considering taking any drastic actions, but i think he has a lower resistant to them as time goes on when the thoughts do come to him, + his self-preservation is also relatively low, just thankfully without the extreme recklessness kyle adds onto it for himself. Also, want to clarify Rosa’s not specifically living a dependent life for him to help make him feel like he needs to stay alive for her, it really is just in her nature to be like that, but it has this added bonus of helping him out which also kind of does the opposite of encourage her to fix her own flaws.

I’ll also say, like. I don’t think having people around he’s close to, even with Rosa to a point, makes those feelings specifically /lessen/ in favorability. Like there’s less of a want to because need to be around to help Rosa, but death /does/ always seem easier to him than not. Kyle, in contrast, largely thanks to his BPD, always tends to do a bit better on average when having a good support network and people he can recognize even a little care about him, and he’s way less likely to deal with any suicidal thoughts/quite such risky behavior/etc when he feels like he has more friends/family/etc because then he’d be losing them and they’re everything that means anything to him so doesn’t wanna do that.

That doesn’t mean much for Diego, though. Having friends like Will, Marion, and Sergey around don’t make that feeling any less because A, he’s very detached from his feelings anyway so even if he likes having them around, their emotional impact on him still feels low. B, he’s pretty sure each of them could easily manage without him so like that’s whatever. thinks might be doing them a favor if he wasn’t around because then they don’t have to deal with his shit. C, having them around doesn’t fix the issues in his life. It does for Kyle because while not all of his problem are relationship based, the biggest ones are and so if he knows he has a shit ton of love and approval that can fix a lot for him or at least make the mood dips more tolerable. For Diego, his main complaints in life are the efforts, not the relays. He’s fine at any point in his life where he doesn’t have a lot of friends or whatever. It’s the realization that he’s going to be working in some shitty job(s) he hates probably forever since there’s no way he’ll make enough to get a good retirement situation, until he fucking dies of old age just being even more tired than he normally is. Why not cut out the fucking middle man, yknow?

Also! As Kyle gets older, his mood swings tend to mellow out slightly and he has a bit of an easier time handling shit, but I think the depression for Diego only worsens as he gets older because again, the only way his problems get better as he gets older is literally just “I mean at this point I’ll probably only have to work 20 more years until my shitty health probably kills me instead of 40.” Like beyond just fucking marrying a sugar daddy or some shit so he never has to work again, there isn’t much that’s going to help him as he gets older and even like. Again, sorry to keep drawing back to Kyle but he’s the only other kid whose depression is that bad. If Kyle were talked into going to talk to a psychologist or something, eventually he’d feel more comfortable with it and take more of an active effort to go on his own and embrace the help more.

That’s fucking effort and work and time that probably eats up what little bit of free time Diego has outside of his job(s) and whatever, though, and you can pry that from his cold dead hands. He’d have to be made to go every single time, he’d be more resistant as the effort to fix his behavior got higher, and the moment he can get away with not going anymore, he starts skipping appointments fast. Listen, minus the suicidal factors, I’m just basing his depression/health awareness off mine and I need ya’ll know that 90% of the reason I don’t do things like go find a psychologist or take a more active role in fixing my poor health is that that would eat up my free time and I don’t wanna /do/ that. My free time is important to me and I’d rather just be unhealthy than lose some chill time, especially given the whole ‘depression makes the fun things you do less enjoyable’ factor. those are my shitty terrible priorities, and they’d also be diego’s. + I also know I’m resistant to any effort to change behavior I don’t already feel like changing because despite being a low-energy, emotionally detached disaster adult, I’ve also reached the highest point of self-confidence i’ve ever had in my life so i can recognize i have problems i could easily fix but i’m chill with where i am for once so it feels unnecessary anyway. Same for him, although less from high self-confidence and more from exceptionally low standards for himself.

Like, he’s not itching to change and his coping mechanism of just not having to deal with any of his mental health issues while he’s asleep is working well enough atm, don’t worry about it. he can sleep more if he’s not wasting that time going to see a therapist or whatever + doesn’t have to leave the house for that so like. Why not just sleep??? Diego ‘Why be healthy when you can nap?’ Andrés. Also like as if he had Go to a Therapist money anyway.

#ignore this #the lazy kid #amusing muse musings #depression talk the most amusing of musings

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songofmysnark · 6 years

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The Bullshit Industry That Is Women’s Clothing

We’re gonna have a little talk, friends. We’re gonna have a talk about the state of women’s clothing and how much it sucks.

I’m talking off-the-rack clothing aimed at adult, working women. Your Ann Taylors. Your J.Crews. Your Banana Fucking Republics. The Nordstroms of the world. You know, the companies that are trying to get us to buy their most recent monstrosity of polyblended horror and the subject of plenty of thinkpieces, this one included. “Are millennials killing the clothing industry?” Yes, because you deserve to die, but also now we’re naked so can we please strike a plea bargain?

Before any of you get your panties in a twist, I’m counting stay at home moms as working women, because domestic labor is work, childcare is work, and juggling logistics is work. If you can outsource it and the person who is doing it would reasonably expect to get paid, it’s work -- so don’t tell me being a SAHM isn’t work just because nobody’s paying her to do the job of a nanny, line cook, housekeeper, administrative assistant, executive director, coach, motivational speaker, teacher, or community organizer. And also, no SAHM should have to resort to the MLM hell that is LueLaRoe in order to clothe her body. Put the valentine heart printed butter leggings down, Karen.

So, working women, clothing ourselves is hard. It has gotten worse over the past two decades. Let us break this shit down:

Declining quality. Don’t gaslight women over 30 and tell us that the decline in quality is all in our heads and that our expectations have increased as we’ve gotten older and more critical or educated. A lot of us still have our blazers from J.Crew that we bought in 2007 -- at least I do. I saved them because they’re gorgeous and sentimental, and now I save them as a physical reminder that clothing currently available to me as a retail consumer has sharply decreased in quality.

Fit issues. Between the unreasonably sloppy, inconsistent sizing (sometimes between two of the exact same garments), bizarre proportions, limitations on size ranges, and a seemingly universal refusal to cut garments for women larger than a B cup, women’s clothing fits horribly. The solution to this problem seems to be to sew everything in stretchy, cheap materials that are clingy, unflattering, and translucent, which translates to...

...Awful styles. Since the solution to lazy fit is stretch, the industry makes a lot of clothing styles that are not suitable for most women’s daily lives because they’re too cheap to use decent fabric in making clothing to account for the fact that they’re too cheap to invest in fit and quality construction. Oh, you can’t wear a cold-shoulder top and a pair of stretchy black leggings to your corporate job? Too fucking bad, that’s what’s in stock right now. If we call it “Athleisure,” it’s all good! And if you look shitty in it, it’s because you’re not athletic enough to be wearing it.

It’s funny how when women abandoned the corset, it was liberating -- until style started demanding that women become their own corsets. No lumps or bumps or bulges allowed, but unless you want to wear Spanx (read: a girdle), you better diet yourself down to a flawlessly smooth size 2 if you don’t want to look horrible in a simple tshirt.

Sure, good style is available to those who have enough social or economic capital to access it -- and by social capital, I am including people who are thin.

The state of plus-sized fashion has always been appalling, but as the country tumbles into greater income inequality, the concentration of jobs paying a living wage into traffic-jammed cities with a lack of reasonably affordable or accessibly housing, the masses are not going to be getting thinner. The workday has been getting longer, either by extending hours or by making it very clear that people who leave before 6 are slackers, or by tethering us to email in the spirit of “leaning in.” Sorry, when you spend 1-3 hours/day commuting to your soul-sucking job that doesn’t pay enough to afford help to outsource all of the shit you have to do on weekends in order to function as an adult, the “obesity epidemic” is not going to end. How about we call a spade a spade: the “obesity epidemic” is a side-effect of the confluence of income inequality and late-stage capitalism. “Calories in, calories out, it’s so simple!” say people who are able to prioritize and afford to be thin, and are rewarded in kind with clothing that at least isn’t punishingly ugly or uncomfortable.

Let’s talk about uncomfortable clothing: there’s a lot of it when you get out of the stretchy-spandex land masking the laziness of corporate clothing behemoths behind 2% spandex in an already forgiving knit. Wovens, friends, let’s snark on wovens. Wovens are the fabrics that are stiffer -- think jeans without spandex, chinos without spandex, button down shirts without spandex, your wool coat without spandex, etc.

Believe it or not, young people, most of these items didn’t stretch 10-15 years ago, or if they did it was a tiny amount -- enough so that you could comfortably drive a car while still wearing a garment that was purposefully cut and constructed so that it would lay close to the body. Instead of spandex, clothing was constructed with more ease -- more space, looser in areas where a normal human body needs space to move. And nobody looked shitty, because the clothing was made so that the structure of the garment kept it from looking like a sack of potatoes; that structure comes from quality fit, construction, and materials.

And of course, companies will retort that if they did anything the way they did 10-15 years ago, costs would skyrocket! Materials are expensive and skilled labor isn’t cheap, especially if paid a living wage in a country with labor regulations to protect workers! To which I say: bullshit. Costs won’t skyrocket unless you expect customers to pad the pockets of your shareholders and executives to make up for increased production costs that narrow the profit margin. Essentially, you want the same profit margin that was established and became the norm when you switched to shitty quality while raising prices.

The problem is really of your own doing, Mr. Mall Fashion Executive Dude; you trained your customers to expect good quality clothing for decades, rested on your laurels while increasing your profit margins by cutting production costs, got everyone on the corporate end used to booming profits based on this giant margin, and then got confused when shit went south. You went for short-term profits, banking on the reputation of your brand to carry the company through a quality control nosedive. And now we’re rubbing your face in it.

So here’s some advice to the corporate powers that be:

Make some fucking decent clothing.

Make the entire line in a wide range of sizes, 00-24+ with no differentiation between “plus” and “misses.”

Give women’s clothing the attention, quality, consistency, and detail of men’s items.

Stop putting random shit on your clothing. I want a goddamn tshirt without a sequin, weird design, picture of a bird, a saying, etc.

Don’t “bring back a classic” and mark it up 200%. Take a hint: we all still have that item from 2003, don’t think we won’t compare them and put the videos taking you down for both an outrageous markup and a comparatively mediocre product. Looking at you, Lululemon’s “full on Luon” (i.e. regular luon from a few years prior with a new name and higher price). Looking at you, J.Crew icon trench from 2003 (i.e. the old trench marked up higher than it was before but with a shittier fit and cheaper materials).

If your wovens look like shit on the average American woman, that means you need to hire people who know how to design a decent garment, use better materials, and learn about ease, drape, and tailoring.

If your pants don’t fit women with hourglass figures, the problem is your pants.

And finally: Listen to the women screaming at you on Instagram every time you roll out a crappy collaboration. What do they want? Natural fibers, better fit, a size range that is inclusive and reflects the general public without arbitrary cutoffs, good design, cohesive collections, solid basics, durability, functional pockets that can hold a fucking iphone, classic lines, and comfort.

If that is too much of an order, maybe get the fuck out of the industry that makes clothing for women, because there are actually companies that have demonstrated that it is possible to do it right: MM LaFleur (pricey, but excellent), Boden, Land’s End, etc. are all examples of companies that manage not to completely screw the pooch on selling clothing to women. Hell, I’ll even give you Eileen Fisher. Give me some linen and a functional pocket, Ms. Fisher, I’ll gladly look like a sexless therapist who moonlights at an art gallery.

But seriously, fuck right off with this cold-shoulder, poly-blend, lazy bullshit.

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icarus-suraki · 3 years

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If you're still doing them 72, 121, 136 :D

Suuuuure, and I'm feeling down, so...

72. What colour are your towels? Blue. Technically. I have a couple of light blue towels that I got...longer ago than I realized until just now lol...and they're technically "my towels" but I supplemented my supply with a couple of very old and slightly tattered towels that I snagged from the linen closet at my parents' house that actually, like, absorb water? Where the blue ones won't (yet, at least). I supplemented those with a couple of cheap white towels because I had some sweaters that were supposed to be dried flat. I don't have the sweaters anymore but I do have the towels and I throw them in the dryer sometimes to help a load along. And then I got a couple of dark brown ones for cheap because I was messing around with henna hair dye and I didn't want to stain my other towels. Oh, and I think I got a dark blue towel for Christmas one year, but see above re: light blue towels that don't absorb any water and are just rude like that. Hopefully these inferior ones will improve with washing. Also my bathmat is yellow. Because that's what someone gave me, I think. I'm not very aesthetic, I guess. I'm just functional.

121. Are you mean? If you asked my "Mean Girl" classmates in high school they would definitely say yes. My college classmates would probably say yes. Given how I would argue with my parents and the things I’d say to them, they’d say yes. And if you ask me, I'd say yes too.

I mean, I'm snappish and angry and depressed and impatient and "bellicose." I'm bitchy and a bitch and sometimes a super bitch and sometimes a Super King Kong Mega Mega Biatch. People irritate me. I'm a snob. I'm grumpy and crabby. I used to be fucking anxious all the time, which didn't help, though now I'm not really anxious at all so I have a hard time giving a fuck about anything. I'm way too quick with cutting remarks and takedowns and shit. I'm always thinking I'm the smartest person in the room or at least being a giant snob.

Yeah, I mean, looking back on me in middle school, even the latter part of elementary school, even earlier than that--like, I was 2 and a half and tormenting my baby brother or fighting over dress-up stuff in 4 year-old preschool. Girls in my classes in high school were always like "Why can't you just be nice?" And I was like, tch, what does "nice" mean, anyway? And they'd say "It means not mean!" And I hated them because I thought they were shallow but also because they got way more positive attention that I ever did. They had people who liked them and boyfriends and nice things. I didn't have any of that and I knew I never would, so I wasn't left with much. I always wanted to be the smartest person in the room but I never was. I was just a snob, so I ended up covering it up by being a fucking asshole. I think I would have counted as a bully on a few occasions. I wanted people to like me, but that shit wasn't going to happen. I ended up with a couple of friends, not that that was always pleasant. I started shit with them a lot, probably out of envy.

College, I was always trying to bring on the sharp comments and starting arguments for the sake of starting arguments (I still think I'm right on a lot of what I said). I was made the editor of the school literary magazine by default, which was a fiasco, and I was bitchy about all the submitted works. I had basically no friends because I hated the people I thought I was supposed to spend time around despite our being complete opposites from art to politics to religion.

"Ha ha, I got so wasted in college all the time! What was college like for you?" Well, I was a sarcastic little shit in my literature classes and full of myself because I got to skip Freshman 111 English, but I mostly remember being woken up at 2 in the morning because my roommate needed her bible and concordances because one of our hallmates believed in predestination and my roommate disagreed.

And then I can look at how unbelievably shitty I was to so. fucking. many. people. from about c. 2007 to c. 2014, at least (probably more like 2016 or 2017) when I was involved in first Livejournal-based multifandom RP and later Dreamwidth-based multifandom RP. Like I was, in popular parlance, "a fucking psycho." I would fight with anyone about anything. How the fuck anyone put up with me I do not know. Ev.er.y.thing pissed me off and yet I couldn't walk away. It's literally been the closest I've ever come to an addiction because the very thought of leaving upset me, and let's not even get started about my constant fear of my games closing or just dying. I needed my RP fix. I needed it! But needing it like that made me an absolute shitheel. People who knew me both in person and online at that time can probably vouch for how shitty I was at the time. There's a huge number of people I would like to apologize to--not so they can forgive me or anything, but just so they can hear that I'm sorry. Won't get that chance, I don't think.

And that overlapped with retail hell and graduate school. Retail hell will make anyone mean. Graduate school was first boring and then frustrating because I was definitely not among the smart set there. I mean, I got my MLS, though I'm not using it anymore lmao.

Hell, even applying for jobs after graduating, I was given feedback that I have a reputation for being "grumpy and huffy" with patrons in the library. So fuck me, I guess. I got a library job where, if the library system sat down, that library would be immediately plunged into total darkness. The "red-headed stepchild" if you will. And that was like retail hell with less cash. Was I mean? Sure, I guess, because I got called to the manager's office more than a couple of times--once because I got tired of a creepy dude talking to me, so I brushed him off to go on my lunchbreak, and he told the managers and I got in major trouble for being "dismissive" of this guy. So then I wound up standing there from 5:15 (when my shift ended) until 7:30 while this guy talked at me and told me shit like "never cut your hair because it's such a beautiful color" or tried to figure out what color my eyes are and creepy stuff like that. And all because I just didn't want to get fucking fired. Nice, huh?

I'm meaner externally now than I used to be. I'm putting that down to a lack of anxiety again. I used to be totally unable to contain my frustration and irritability with other people. Then I got to be afraid of what someone would say or do to me if I was irritable at them. And now I'm just like "fuck it, we're all going to die, climate change is real, why do I have to play by these rules?" I mean, in a hundred years, everyone I know will be dead. Whomst cares?

So am I mean? Fuck YES I'm mean. And I have been for most of my life.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? O P E N and they must also be pushed ALL. THE. WAY. OPEN. Because of Boo Radley. "What?" I hear you cry. Here, I’ll let Scout explain.

Ever since seeing that scene in about 8th grade, I have had to push my door all the way open so far that the door is touching the wall just so no one is hiding behind it. Boo Radley is a sweetheart, so I don't want to vilify him and I actually feel bad about my whole response now, but I'm just not keen on having anyone standing behind a half-open door.

"And this is what you remember from To Kill a Mockingbird?" No, I remember plenty of it and I'll quote the opening passages with my mom in about late June when it's really hot and if you're from around here then you just about know all the characters personally, but I was briefly terrified by poor Boo hiding there--which says a lot about how people saw him, or didn't see him. It's actually a brilliant reveal, even if it did kind of unnerve me at age 13. (And now I watch horror movies like they're nothing lmao.)

Doors shut just feels kind of stifling to me. That's an easy answer.

You can ask the bitch who owns this blog stuff if you want.

#ask me stuff #meme #fun and games #i guess

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