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blighted-lights · 2 months

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i have to do every meme u rb bc friendship code. but tfp soundwave, my most jealous wife. gimme the hcs 🫵🌸

(TFP Soundwave, IDW Sunstreaker, IDW First Aid, and IDW Ravage have all been asked for! Feel free to send in an ask for any character that isn't one of these four 🌸❗️Not limited to followers or mutuals, so go wild!)

First Impression: Oh, this design FUCKS. My first watch-through of TFP happened when I was very young so I cannot remember much of my first impressions of each character, but I do remember really, really liking how Soundwave looks in TFP. More than that, I LOVED the idea of Soundwave being a stealth aircraft + his full-face glass visor. While Knockout was, and is, my favorite character in TFP, Soundwave was also very up there when I was first starting to watch the show. Keep in mind I was a kid so I wasn't having many mega-brained thoughts on him quite yet. I thought he looked sick as hell, he was cool when he fought, and I wanted his gender.

Impression Now: It's a mix of two things. One, not only does this design fuck, but given the chance I'd tap in a heartbeat, no one could pull me out. And two, he's um... well. He's not much of an actual character, is he? I believe he is one of the Decepticons we see the most, but it feels like he's in the background for most of his scenes. And aside from his loyalty to Megatron and his care for Laserbeak, we don't really know that much about him. He doesn't really have personal relationships with the other 'Cons outside of Megatron and Laserbeak, he doesn't have any hobbies from what we can tell, he's got a bit of a snide sense of humor sometimes but not often, and he's mostly shadowing other characters when he is on-screen. Plus, we never get to see extra moments with him like we'd get with the rest of the Decepticons. It's a bit of a shame. He's still one of my favorites of TFP, but his rank is a bit lower on the leaderboard now that I've watched the show a few times.

Favorite Moment: Very hard pick. There are a handful of scenes that I really, really like with TFP Soundwave, but I think the one that stands out to me the most is when Laserbeak is injured by Wheeljack and Ratchet, he abandons his fight with Wheeljack to go to her once he gets her signal. This is probably the most characterization we really get to see for this Soundwave. I go back and forth on this scene a bit because it feels icky that Ratchet and Wheeljack refer to Laserbeak as an it/a drone so often, so it's one of my least favorite scenes in general, BUT it's one of my favorite scenes for Soundwave because we get to see his care for Laserbeak.

Idea for a Story: I would LOVE to read/write a fic or see art of Soundwave returning to the Decepticons after being captured by the Autobots and learning that Megatron intentionally did not go to save him. Like I am sure this is something Soundwave understands already, but I want to see him realize that he was essentially abandoned and left in Autobot hands by the one person who he'd sworn loyalty to above all others. Soundwave was going to be tortured. He could of died. And Megatron wasn't even willing to go after him, despite everything Soundwave did for him. I would eat this UP.

Unpopular Opinion: Do I... do I have an unpopular TFP Soundwave opinion? Not sure. I'm not sure if I'd really call it unpopular, but it's an opinion I don't see very often. I wish we got to see Soundwave outside of Megatron's influence. And I don't mean having Soundwave while Megatron isn't in charge- we had that before. I want to see him act outside of Megatron's will. The leader/servant dynamic is one that is only interesting to me if there is conflict between the two parties, OR if there is an equal level of respect and care between the two. That is not the case with TFP Megatron and Soundwave. Sure, Megatron values Soundwave, as Soundwave is one of the only consistently competent people around, but he doesn't care enough about Soundwave to protect him. Value ≠ care or respect. It just means Soundwave is useful to Megatron.

Favorite Relationship: Soundwave and Laserbeak. Easily. She's the only person Soundwave seems to give a fuck about outside of Megatron, and it's very clear that this care is returned, as Laserbeak was the one who went after Soundwave when he was captured by the Autobots. I wish I had more to say here but Laserbeak is even less of a character than Soundwave, so there isn't much to go off of. I also like that this Soundwave actually has a gap in his armor that Laserbeak docks to, rather than just his usual tape-deck. It makes it obvious that the bond he has with Laserbeak is singular, as there are no other cassettes present in the TFP show, and it makes it feel more personal.

Favorite Headcanon: Soundwave does not have a conventional face under his mask. I might not know WHAT is under there, but I do know that I hope it is cool as fuck, and a face isn't going to cut it. Give me a mess of wires connected to his glass visor. Give me a single glowing optic and a fucked up mandible mouth. Give me anything that isn't two eyes and an average mouth. Make him fucked up!!

#transformers #character meme #transformers prime #tfp #maccadam #maccadams #soundwave #tfp soundwave #megatron #tfp megatron #laserbeak #tfp laserbeak #also yeah laserbeak uses she/her pronouns. that robot is a girl. what are u gonna do about it.#but hehe hiii kadar #so happy you asked for soundwave #OUR jealous wife #bluejay 💙#so sorry kadar :( i cannot draw tfp soundwave. hes too swag. he fucks too severely.#feel free to seen in another ask to make up for it. our wife too strong 😔

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ofoceansandtombsanew · 20 days

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heeheehee hiiii nyla!!!! i'm here for the selfship ask game: 7 & 10 👀?

well well well uwu if it isn't the homie hash and after the boopening (i say this like we don't talk every other day lol)

7. You’ve just come to realize you have a crush on your f/o. How was it like when you encountered them again after that? Were you able to keep your cool around them, or was it awkward? How about vice versa?

mikasa + tamarack: in both cases with these girls, it was love at first sight. i knew what kind of timing i was on from the first day. but i'm relatively chill when i have a crush so i was quite normal since i was already on cloud 9

mikasa's a bit shy but she sticks a bit closer to me after she realizes how she feels. tamarack's a demure soul but she's a romantic and whimsical. if she knew i liked her already, she'd probably say something. but i'm competitive so i'd wanna beat her to it

nanami: boy gave the japanese version of denzel in the preacher's wife and morris chestnut's deep voice. i simped from day 1 sadly...... TuT he was never interested. we stay good friends after i shoot my shot though so nothing's lost in the end. i'm the type who can stay good friends with even my exes so former crushes i got rejected by i have no problem being friends with either

gojou: i have to act normal because i don't want to give him the satisfaction lmao

there are two of my self-ship shenanigans with gojou. canon and this au me and my friend allie call the 'ani may university cinematic universe' (fndjkfn feel free to ask me for the link to it if you're interested, hash)

in the latter, we meet at a party thrown by mutual friends and keeps pestering me for a date until eventually i lose a bet (he said whoever got drunk fastest won, i was an idiot who didn't consider the fact i already knew the idiot was a lightweight) and have to go on a date with him

the date went well though but i was very salty about admitting it (still went on the second date though). but in his case, it was pretty much being smitten at first sight and wanting at least one date to prove his case we'd be compatible (sadly we were, much to his credit the universe wasn't letting me put on my blinders)

in the case of the former though, considering i'm pretty sure he'd look down on me even if i was a sorcerer, i'd probably dislike him. but we get along decently enough because we have similar tastes. but just because we can get along, doesn't mean we actually like each other (dislike on my end, indifference on his)

i think we'd both act normal towards one another in either case of feelings being realized

10. Before dating, were you guys friends? Enemies? Anything else?

mikasa, mitsuya, tamarack, nanami: friends

gojou: ani may university cinematic universe: he's an annoyance albeit a cute one. but in the canon, we are mutually tolerated classmates

#look she's answering #look it's self shipping hours #the homies

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 1 year

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Hi can I have some advice?? In a little bit of a pickle rn.

So basically, I identify as aroace (like no attraction whatsoever end of both spectrums). My best friend, who we'll call S for the sake of making it easier, is somewhere on the spectrum (I don't remember where rn but it's not very important to the story). We have a mutual friend, A, who is allo. The three of us have been friends since around 3rd grade, and have gotten a lot closer due to sharing more classes over the past year or so. They're both lovely people.

Now, the problem arose a few days ago, when we were riding back from somewhere we'd gone for S's birthday together. It was cold, and because of where we'd gone I'd dressed up in a cape. So I put my arm and the cape over A's shoulder, so he wasn't cold and also because it was kinda funny. We joked around, I sent a selfie of us to the gc the three of us have captioned "No Hetero" (because I'm female and A's male, it was meant to be an adaptation of "No Homo"). All normal things.

Later that night, when I'm at home, S sends me this text:

"Hey uh

I don't want you to tell [A] or make hints bout it or anything

But he likes you now"

We talked, she told me that she told him I'm aroace (which, while technically outing me, I didn't mind because I trust them both and I'd sent the flag in the gc that night so he would've figured it out with a quick google search anyways), and said she'd tried her best to explain. Meanwhile, A is texting me saying that he's sad (I'd asked how he was doing after he asked me), and responding "I found out something really disappointing and discouraging abt a friend" and saying that "it's really private, sorry" when I pressed for more. Which I'm almost 100% sure is about me.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love them both (/p) and I don't want our relationship to change at all. And so far it hasn't, but I can tell A's more down than usual now. I don't want to break my promise about talking about it to S, beside I don't really want to discuss it unless I have to and A doesn't know I know, but I also don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm so scared of losing my friendships to romance, and this just happened in the middle of a really big and stressful life event for me.

So far things are staying the same, and I'm really hopeful it continues that way. But I'm also very aware that we'll probably have to talk about it at some point, because it has definitely shifted our relationship, at least internally.

Idk, something about knowing that a friend had/has a crush on me completely changes my worldview. Before I was scared of losing friends because society has made us believe that friends and family are second to s/o. And while I do still fear that, I just realized that it's actually possible for this to happen where I'm the "s/o", and after someone gets rejected or breaks up, it's not common (at least in media) to see them just chilling as friends again.

So, yeah. That's the situation, if anyone has any sort of advice, I would be very grateful.

-Raven (signing in case of future updates)

These situations are definitely complicated. It does sound like A developed some feelings and is disappointed those feelings can't be reciprocated. Even though no one did anything wrong, it can still be hard to deal with a situation like this. I'd recommend taking your cues from A. So for example if A pretended that it wasn't the situation with you he was disappointed by, I'd take that as a sign he doesn't currently want to talk about it. But there may come a time in the future he does want to discuss it, or does want to talk about you being aroace, and I'd talk about it then. Sometimes people need a bit of time to deal with hurting feelings, and sometimes when that hurt subsides a bit, they may or may not want to talk and clear the air.

Similarly, sometimes in these situations, the person who caught feelings may want a bit of space to deal with those feelings. If this happens, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be friends anymore, so don't panic. And give him whatever space he asks for, but make it clear you still care a lot about him.

Situations like these are going to be more up to A how things turn out, but the best thing you can do to preserve the friendship is just keep being A's friend. Be there for him, listen to him, etc.

Beware treating media like real life. I know of lots of real life examples where someone caught feelings for someone that weren't reciprocated, or dated someone and they broke up, and they stayed friends. These things depend a lot more on individual personality and what kind of dynamic the people involved have than anything else. And when rejection comes because the other person just isn't attracted to their gender, while it's not 100%, people do tend to be forgiving because it's not personal at all.

Remember too that you didn't do anything in this particular situation. You didn't cause him to be attracted to you, it's all just chance. And I'm sure A recognizes that too, so be careful you're not beating yourself up at all over this. Just do your best to be a supportive friend, and I think that's really all you can do in these types of situations.

All the best and good luck, Anon!

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pullingheavendown · 2 months

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a year ago, i was relying on the promises a friend who'd offered to help me get somewhere safe because what we'd learned was that our traffickers were real, and still in contact.

this friend was someone who, in retrospect, had spent years making us dependent on them, and it was the kind of crisis where their failure to actually step up and act had devastating consequences. had to leave the city. had to leave our job. started renting a room in a basement two timezones away and gave up everything, except the cats. like we just fled the instant it became clear we had to.

this friend had been struggling for a while. it doesn't really matter what with. months prior to everything going to shit, though, i'd gone to dinner with her and another mutual friend. that mutual friend and i basically convinced her to try therapy, because we were both worried about her, and neither of us were in a place to keep showing up the way we had been for her. she needed to fix her shit, basically, and we tried as gently as possible to be like, please do that for your own good. she agreed to. prided herself on her self-awareness, even.

a couple months later she sits down for lunch. tells me that worrying about me ruined her life. that she only went to therapy for my sake, so she could continue caring for me, all of this flip-the-tables, reversal bullshit. i was the burden, i was the problem, i had literally ruined her life because mine was falling apart. and looking back it's just classic darvo. i was no longer there to be her little sad support animal all the time, or whatever i was to her. some sort of pitiable thing she'd talk down about whenever i wasn't around. i really don't know. everyone told me she was infatuated with me, abusive, manipulative, and i never saw it because she had convinced me this was what "normal friendships" were. and then she left me so high and dry that i lost everything when i believed i could rely on her.

she, once, stood on the street corner after i'd asked her for help in all of this, after the hospital and around the time i was realizing she never intended to help me at all. and she told me, to my face, that the reason she hadn't helped me was because i would probably end up leaving the city if i realized what i wanted in life, and that would make her sad. so she didn't.

this came from a conversation earlier, months earlier, where i'd been talking about how excited i was that therapy had been working and helping me. that for once i didn't feel trapped by other people's decisions and wants for me. that maybe i could build a life based on what i wanted, and i'd never had that before, and i was so excited to learn who i was, could be, what i wanted, where i wanted to be. and she took from that conversation that i'd be willing to move cities some day, away from her, that me getting better and learning what i want in life was some sort of existential threat to her.

(she later claimed she's like this because she's undiagnosed autistic and lmao it was honestly the final straw in me going no contact with her. the audacity of blaming being that toxic and manipulative on just being kind of on the spectrum somewhere. i cannot deal.)

i'm really just putting this here because i have to remind myself of this, sometimes. because i miss my old life so much, or feel like such a failure, that i miss something about it. i miss being able to work, i miss feeling competent, i miss living somewhere i could have a social life, i miss everything she knew i would lose if i had to flee because she would remind me of it any time i asked for help.

i just can't imagine being that level of, whatever that is. self-absorbed. that your so-called best friend of a decade says they might be happy, some day, and so you have to sabotage everything they had in case you lose them.

so, of course, you lose them.

what the fuck else could you possibly expect when i was willing to chew my own limb off to get out of there. what world were you living in. i can't help but sit here and wonder some nights, just what fucking world were you living in all those months.

and then i don't miss you anymore.

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lunaprincipessa · 25 days

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ENTRY 161

I know this is just a silly meme, but for me, it was actually true... and I screwed it up.

We met through a mutual friend. This friend was gay and was in love with my ex at the time, even though my ex was straight. He needed an excuse to hang out with my ex, so he needed a female to get him to come out and I happened to be the one he called.

We partied pretty hard that first night and I ended up throwing up in a random person's front lawn (no time to look around - I just told him to pull over immediately). My ex was very tentative. Held my hair up, rubbed my back, and actually told me I looked sexy when I was throwing up, which made us both crack up.

After that first night, we were pretty much inseparable. We would stay up all night chatting with each other on AOL when everyone else in our homes were sleeping. Once the morning hit, we'd go out for breakfast and spend the rest of the day together. We never got tired of each other and we never ran out of things to talk about.

As time progressed, we were really strengthened as a couple because of how well we worked together and how similar we both were. He was seriously the male version of me, most definitely my other half. He saw me in the same light and to this day, I believe we had what it took to make it last.

Long story short, I was offered a chance to leave the south and move to the east coast to be with family and get back in touch with my roots. I don't even remember having a discussion with him about anything. All I remember is telling my ex I was leaving and that was that. I just didn't realize what I had.

Over the years, we both moved on with life. My ventures on the east coast would eventually take me to the west coast, and he would eventually enlist in the Air Force, traveling all over the world. We never forgot about each other and stayed in contact off and on.

We eventually ended up reconnecting, having a one-nighter when we both returned to the south. I returned in a desperate attempt to escape a physically abusive relationship, and he returned after his wife cheated on him. I suppose we just needed comfort and affection that night.

Later on, we had a long talk and I ended up finding out that over the years, he actually blamed himself for me leaving. That broke my heart. It really did. The guilt was eating me alive and I welcomed it to consume me. I screwed up. I was damaged, inconsiderate, and selfish. How could he blame himself for that??? That hit me hard and still hits every now and then to this day. It probably will until the day I die. I was 19, now 41, and the decision I made that day still stings.

We were still friends afterward. Hell, we spent the whole night together getting drunk, blasting Type O Negative on April 14th, 2010 when it was announced that Peter Steele had died.

Life would take us in different directions once again after that. He ended up falling in love with someone else and I had a baby with my ex who was the first guy I ever fell in love with back in the day. Now those relationships are lost to us too.

We did speak again eventually but it was different and a bit difficult. I felt like the person he used to be was gone. I didn't wanna say anything. The past still tears me up sometimes; I felt I had no right to.

We've spoken fairly recently and I did get to hear some of the old ***** that I once knew. I just wish things were different. Even if we were just not meant to be, I would still time travel if it were possible to tell my younger self not to leave, not to walk away. But I did. I walked away and it can't be undone.

Other people have noticed how protective we are over each other and how we cheer for one another when good things happen to us. People notice, but they don't know the history behind it.

Nowadays, he spends most of his days alone, as do I. He assumed I was being judgmental when I tried to encourage him to get out more. I wasn't trying to be. I just hate the thought of a good person being on their own.

There's a lot more detail to our history and sort-of recent events. There's definitely a better way to word this blog but I'm exhausted and getting it out the best I can. I still care for him but the past is gone. I still wish him well but we hardly talk. I just hope one day he feels better and is surrounded by people who lift him up in every way.

I'm grateful for his service to our country as the veteran he is and I'm grateful for all the times he was there for me. Our fates apart was all my fault and although I can't change the past or present, I can make sure my apology to him was genuine by being a better person every day whether we talk or not. I never meant harm. Never intended it.

I was raised in a household of verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that I couldn't escape as a little girl. I was never taught how to love and respect myself or anyone else for that matter. All that chaos was my normal. People who grew up fighting for survival are just different from people who grew up in healthy and safe environments. I truly cared for him. I did. I was just fucked up and dying to get away from where I was. I didn't consider anything else but that and it was a mistake.

I had a lot to heal, and even more to learn. After getting help and coming to the place where I am now, he was one of the first people I thought of. Yes, we get hurt in life but sometimes, we hurt others and need to be accountable.

I was thankful for the opportunity to apologize to him, and I swear to every God and Goddess that I meant it. The process almost reminded me of NA when you eventually consider all the people you hurt when you were active in your addiction.

Well, I am the one that hurt their soulmate when I was active in my damage and I welcome every bit of guilt and karma. May it forever remind me of what I threw away while simultaneously teaching me a valuable lesson that will assure I never make a mistake like that again. More thoughts later.

#i'm sorry #soulmates #not meant to be #my fault #moving on

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yrbutchgf · 2 years

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do you have any advice on not getting sad about not being found attractive by men as a masc? I’m having my first male crush since I was like 10 and he’s a friend I haven’t known for too long but from the time we’ve spent together I sometimes wonder if he likes me too but I know he probably doesn’t and I don’t want to get hurt. it sucks because he’s completely my type but I know there’s a very low chance he feels the same because of how I look

hey! sorry this took me so long to get to, i just had the semester start on campus so i got unexpectedly busy.

i've been there though. when i was in high school i had this guy i was pretty good friends with, and it took me a while to realize that i had feelings for him, but once i did i was like. alright, well, oh well. because we'd spoken before about our types, and his was short feminine girls with puppy eyes. and i was obviously not that, so i had pretty much confirmation that it was unreciprocated. it was bittersweet, bc i enjoyed feeling that way for him, and it was nice, to an extent, knowing there was nothing to be done with it -- but it was also a little disheartening for obvious reasons.

that being said, i have to ask: do you know this guy's type? have you spoken with him about it? and what makes you think that he likes you too, sometimes? i think it can get very easy to allow yourself to fall into the blanket assumption that (especially masculine) men don't find masculinity attractive, but that's not accurate for everybody. plenty of guys love to date masculine partners. you see this said a lot with bi men/bi4bi couples, but it's also true of a good amount of cishet men, too. frankly, a lot of guys just don't feel comfortable talking about it, thinking it's wrong or weird for them to enjoy masculinity in their partners.

a few months ago, i actually got an anon asking about a similar situation where they were trying to gauge if their crush (a bi man) was into them. you can read the asks here: (1) (2) (3) (4), but it turned out it was a mutual thing, even though anon was pretty nervous about it.

even if it turns out this guy isn't into you, though, i think a big thing for me with keeping my chin up when i was in high school was just reminding myself that my masculinity was for me, and for my enjoyment. any partners i was going to get in the future, i was never going to change my masculinity for them, or downplay it, or start presenting differently to make them happy. it's just never going to be healthy to think about changing who i am. and so any potential partner, man or woman or anybody, would have to enjoy that the same way i do. they'd have to love what i am. and so i think it's a matter of engaging in self love, pursuing euphoria when you can, and remembering that there's people out there that are just dying to love you, because they are.

and in the mean time, if you can, it honestly helped me a lot to find a way to enjoy the feeling of being attracted to my friend, even though i knew it wasn't going anywhere. it made it a lot easier when i thought, ok, this is my secret thing, my own little feeling that i get to feel for a while. and that made it feel pretty okay. the sting of it being unreciprocated was outweighed by how nice it felt to feel things to begin with, if that makes sense.

#asks #anonymous #feel free to follow up with more this is just my immediate thoughts on the subject #and obviously i don't know the specifics of ur situation

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hellomynameisbisexual · 3 years

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Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.

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bxllafanficc · 3 years

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¡Skate/sing your hearts out! (Yuri Plizetsky x reader)

(part five)

Part one. Part two. Part three. Part four. Masterlist

Summary: After last year's cancellation of Figure Skating Grand Prix, Yuri Plisetsky finds himself unable to bring out his inner skater after a year of doing nothing but enjoy life like a regular teenager. That's when you enter the picture; We Are Voice Grand Awards's currently hottest competitive vocalist come first place two years in a row. Just like the other competitors of Grand Prix, it turns out that Victor and Yuuri faces the same issue. With an arrangement between Victor and Yakov, they agree to travel to Japan and hire you as a mutual coach for Yuri and Yuuri to help bring back the emotion into their performances like before, maybe even more intense than ever. Yuri however, who's never experienced issues with his coaches before, for some reason finds this one particularly difficult to coexist along with in their (reasonably) odd partnership. Warnings: none

*Yuri's POV*

(One week later)

He groaned, still trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes even after breakfast. The sun was annoyingly bright today and the crowds chatting along the streets became a loud buzzing in his ears. They walk along shore at a smaller street where the typical fisherman has been standing, even years from now since Yuri saw him last. With a face mask up to his eyes and his hoodie up, it also came to be exceedingly hot underneath his disguise. Sweaty again.

In front of him walked Yuuri and Victor, sheering for him to hurry up meanwhile Victor snapped some photos behind his head on him and (Y/n). 'A selfie to remember' he said. Though the sour face of (Y/n) was far from something anyone would like to remember. Terrifying.

Right. Why? Yuri didn't exactly hit it off at its peak this morning with (Y/n) as his roommate. The cold shoulder hitting him like a slap in the face grew even larger every time he tried talk her back to normal state. A 'what's the matter with you? Stop being a drag!' Wasn't gonna get him an answer so far. Though, Yuri found himself surprised that he even made an effort into talking with her in this mood. One week with her and he's already softening up? Not great. He can't treat her as if she isn't a stranger to him, nice or not. Even if she always came at the late ending hours of his practicing at the rink and greeted him with a late snack after training. Star-shaped apple slices and a smoothie. He found it weird the first time and he still does. Every morning and every late evening because Yakov happened to mention that apples were Yuri's favorite fruit.

And this morning? Maybe he could actually admit that he screwed up. It probably could've gone better if he hadn't stolen Magnolia from her... Long story short, she was asleep with the cat in her arms and Yuri sneaked out a makeshift toy to lure him over. (Y/n) quickly noticed that Yuri was now the person cuddling the cat and she tried to call him over for his morning brush with a happy chirping sound. But Yuri had held Magnolia still when he tried to go until the cat was like 'meh whatevs' and went back to sleep in Yuri's arms. He knew now afterwards that it was already a little bit much to hold the cat back but the worst part wasn't past yet. No. The worst part was when he said 'He wants to be with me, not you, you clingy hag' and 'Maybe if you weren't so stubborn and tacky all the time he would be sprinting to you this moment instead of cuddling with his savior.' When she hadn't responded well to his words some unknown force told him to push it harder. So kept on pushing at her limits with spiteful manners and comments. He can't really understand why he'd said that now afterwards. All that came out meanwhile Yuri was still half asleep from past day's exhaustion, and he hadn't yet realized that he probably should filter the way he talk to his coach, nonetheless the,, he wouldn't say idol,, but- Nonetheless the acquaintance she is. Though he couldn't stand her. How itching and irritated he felt whenever she made her own sour looks. Isn't she supposed to be happy sunshine or what? Just get over it already, it was just an insult anyway.

But it was clear that (Y/n) took the insult to heart and has been doing so since then. At breakfast, he had received a bowl of starshaped cut apples put down harshly in front of him at the table. That along with blueberry pancakes. Why she was the one making breakfast, he didn't understand. But it had certainly not been unbearable to eat. No the opposite really. The entire Katsuki household was there along with them and everyone had been gulping it down like starved hounds. But the thing really throwing Yuri off was the fact that his appleslices were the only ones being but into starshapes. Just that she took the extra time even though or because she was upset at him?

Yuri gazed at the girl's direction as he thought of the event. 'So very unnecessary' he thought. Was it some twisted joke he didn't quite get or a revenge he didn't see coming? Because except for the apples, she had been totally snappy with him since they left for the unknown adventure Victor had described it as. And she wouldn't really have made that extra effort out of kindness judging on her mood today.

(Y/n) was very keen not to glance at him just one bit this morning since that breakfast. And when Yuri made a huge deal out of it afterwards, Victor had took him aside and whispered into his ear; 'There will come days where she won't put up with your bullshit anymore and today seems like such a situation. I don't know what you did to cause that reaction because it's quite rare. But I recommend you lay off and let her cool down on her own.' His words had been a sense of advise with a hint of bitterness in it.

Just minutes later he had gathered us four and announced that he would be taking them all somewhere to cleanse our minds and gather our thoughts. He hadn't really understood why all four would go there but that's when (Y/n) decided it was time to announce a pretty important details she almost withheld from him until now. Apparently the entire reason they chose to do this whole coaching in Japan was because she had taken Yuuri as her apprentice as well. It all seemed relevant of course. Why else would Yuri be here right now and not with her back in Russia? But it made him feel uneasy and let down for some stupid reason. Why she apparently thought it was much more important to teach Yuuri than him since they were in Japan right now. He's always gotta be the favorite even though Yuri won gold and proved himself to be better than the piglet. Victor already chose him. And clearly (Y/n) did too. But she made him believe that she came here only to coach him.

He didn't understand anything. He didn't want her coaching, didn't want to hear anything she had to say. She wasn't a real coach even. He certainly didn't want to share a room with her and he didn't want to feel relieved at the sight of her at the rink yesterday, coming to his rescue like that. He just wanted her to stop talking so much but now he couldn't stand the silence she was giving him.

Couldn't she just get her shit together?

"Ta-daaa! We're here!" Victor's shout made Yuri snap back to reality at the beat of a second. It took him a moment to understand the building the man was waving towards but soon he remembered the experiences he had there.

"No- nonono! I'm not going through that hellish session again. No damned waterfalls and no hitting me with a stick!" Yuri turned on his heels but was grabbed by the collar of his neck by a pouting Victor. (Y/n) who was clearly new to the subject gave Yuuri a hesitant look but Victor wasn't going down.

"Come on, it will be great for everyone. And I promise no hitting this time!"

'This time.' He didn't believe it one bit. He knew it was just an attempt to get him through the doors. Once in, no turning back. But if there was going to be hitting, he was secretly hoping that it would not be (Y/n) as the one doing it.

"Still no. There's no way you're getting me through those doors! Never am I ever standing under a waterfall again!"

...

The rapid flow of the water forcibly threatening to push him forwards was as cold as he remembered it. Screw the hitting with sticks, this just felt like someone rapidly slapping him across the back over and over. At least the water could've been warm. What was the deal with that anyway? He knew exactly why going here was kept a secret from him. They would never have caught him if he knew before. Now Yuri is standing in the middle, unable to escape. A quiet but intimidating (Y/n) who hasn't spoken up for hours and Yuuri who seems to actually be taking this whole thing seriously. Then there's the big question. Where is Little blondie Rasputin in the picture. The answer is right in front of him in a corner of the other side of the room. In a bubble bath taking it easy. He said that he'd be making sure we'd concentrate on opening up our minds and he'd tell us if he noticed otherwise. Yuri believed none of it. He just doesn't want to be here himself. Cause why was (Y/n) doing it if both the coaches aren't in on it. She's already in touch with herself and doesn't need it. Part of him guesses that she was participating on her own terms for some reason.

'This isn't working. I'm literally standing here thinking about everything and anything until time passes!' He thought. And...

He made the mistake of looking to his right. (Y/n) was standing close beside him with closed eyes. He was going to close his eyes as well but then he noticed how soft her skin looked. Like, all the wrinkles caused by her constant grumpy face were flattened out. Her mouth hung low and her lips were slightly parted. That made him notice her slow breathing making her chest rise and fall in a nice rhythm. Even though the water hitting his scalp shouted angrily in his ears, he was somehow able to here her melodic breathing. She was doing this the right way. And she looked completely relaxed. Almost asleep.

He kept on listening to her breathing and prayed that she wouldn't open her eyes right this moment. If so, she'd probably have realized right away how long exactly he had been staring at her.

He brushed it off and adverted his gaze, closed his eyes shut. It wasn't anything more than that. He had to get to know her at some point and her striking eyes were always too intimidating for him. He would always look away to feel less stripped of his soul in front of her. It was almost the first time he really could study her features up close, and without her knowing. (D-Did that sound weird-? anyway.)

He couldn't see her anymore but her light breath could still be heard. A part of it made Yuri think of music when he listened to it. He'll focus on that. Mach the breathing to his own.

Everything she did held a steady rhythm to it, unintentionally probably. The music was so much more than just the beautiful voice she had, but it consumed her entire being. Maybe that's why it felt so real on stage.

Does he have to let the skating consume him too? What if he loses control of what he's doing? Starts doing a different choreography or hits the wall again? What would happen if he just let go?

"I think we're done for today. Great job guys! You too Yuri!"

Well, he would never find out because he could never let that happen. Ever. If he doesn't hold control, then what does he have.

Yuuri and (Y/n) came back to reality and stepped out of the fall. Yuri followed short behind and watched the droplets of water running down the back of the girl in front of him. Her shoulders were much less tense than before they begun their session.

'If she thinks she's her to help me let go of all control and fly off the surface of the earth, then I'm sorry. For your coaching will have been in vain.'

...

Yuri was the last one out of the showers and was alone in the locker room as the piglet had already finished before him. He put one the clothes he came in since he came unprepared and set off to the main entrance. To his surprise, he found (Y/n) leaned against a nearby wall just outside the path leading the separate changing rooms apart. 'She's been waiting for me?' She still looks stern but this time Yuri's directly hit in the face by it. She's not ignoring him anymore. Her eyes are as piercing as always but not with excitement or content as usual. Yuri has to turn his head. The feeling's too much.

He walks beside her this time as well. Not a few feet behind like the way they came here.

Victor's tall back was seen outside the building through the glass doors and the two of them headed out. Yuuri was there too but they weren't alone. A large crowd of screaming teenagers as well as adults were swooning over the two skaters. Reporters and journalists were at the front struggling to ask the pair questions meanwhile guards from the center nearby held them all back. At the corner of his eye (Y/n) was turning slightly pale of the sudden screams that roared as they arrived together. As soon as Yuri was noticed the same reaction came for the second time and he joined in on the surprise. His first instinct was to run and hope none in the crowd ran faster than him. But is seemed like (Y/n) sensed his intentions before he did. A firm and calming hand was placed upon his head and as what- a warning? A threat? He looked at her and she smiled. Not to him, but to the crowd.

"Is that (Y/n) and Yuri Plisetsky?"

"Yes! But why are they in Japan? And together?"

"Aww look! They look so cute together!"

A couple pictures were taken of the two of them and Yuri was as stunned by the girl's hand as well as her warm presence towards her fans. He was even too caught up to snap her hand away.

"How long have you known each other?"

"Yuri YURI! What were you doing in there with the Aubade duchess of (nationality)?" Duchess? Right. One of her many titles created by her fan base. It's pretty funny. Why a duchess? Why not a queen or an empress? Yuri wasn't the one to complain though. He was called the Russian punk.

"(Y/n), any reason you're in Japan? Any hot news you'd like to share with us?" The woman asking leaned over the fighting arms of the guard and winked playfully at the two of them. He saw (Y/n) getting visibly uncomfortable at the suggestive question and she stuttered, trying to come up with something smooth and contained for the reporter to use in her article. Yuri was just pissed off at how rudely this woman got all up in their private life like that. He felt like it had been put upon (Y/n) as her responsibility alone to answer that and that just made him angrier.

But the back of the tall Russian male hiding him from camera views stopped the salty defensive words he almost spit out.

"Of course! It's about time to announce anyway. On the behalf of myself and Yakov Feltsman, we're proud to announce that (Y/n) (l/n) will spend her time in Japan as coach for our competing skaters; Yuri Plisetsky and Yuuri Katsuki, in their preparations for this year's Grand Prix senior division!" Victor's worlds were happily announced to the audience and the next moment all hell of a screaming mess broke loose. The reporters rushed sideways to call their firms about the news and the guards almost failed to hold the fighting fans at bay. It all was a mess already. It went from being super private and secretive to Victor dropping the act without warning and soon the whole world would know in just a couple of minutes.

Shit.

A/N; Aaand another chapter! I have so fun writing these and it's almost like therapy session for me too:') no waterfalls though. It seems like Yuri's starting to warm up to (Y/n) right? Well... Baby steps;) What do you think will happen in next chapter? Let me know what you think!

#yurio plisetsky #yuri on ice fanfiction #yuri on ice fandom #yuri katsuki #yuriart #yurianime #yuri on ice #yuri on stage #yuri plisetsky x reader #victor nikirofov #yuuri on ice #yuuri katsuki #animelove #anime fanfic #anime icons

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thatsweetsexypsychotroyotto · 5 years

Text

I'm Not a Bad Person- Chapter 6

SUMMARY: Troy Otto does have feelings you know. He's in the process of figuring them out; especially when it comes to his childhood friend, Jaymie. Whatever they are, they're rooted deep, and they're growing.

WARNINGS: Language, Warped thoughts, Violence.

WORD COUNT: Fuck if I know.

PAIRING: Troy Otto x OFC

AUTHOR'S NOTE: My plan is to follow along with the events of season 3, but with my OFC involved. I'll veer off plenty of times and probably switch shit up completely. Not sure yet. We'll be exploring different characters' perspectives throughout the series. I'm not great at this writing thing but I try my best. Hope you like it enough. All characters except my OFC don't belong to me.

*******

Chapter 6

(Jaymie's POV)

The next day, a memorial service was held to honor Charlene- Jeremiah's goddaughter. She was the pilot of the helicopter that Jake, Alicia, Luciana, and Travis were on. She survived the crash, but the dead got her on the way back to the ranch.

To be honest, I didn't like Charlie. She was such a bitch to me. It was because her dad had an affair with my mom, and her parents split up. So she took her anger out on me.

One particular day she was talking shit; telling our mutuals I'd end up a whore just like my mother. That was stupid of her, mostly because Troy happened to be walking by. He turned and made a beeline straight to Charlene and decked her; no questions asked. I laughed my ass off when I found out. Wish I could have seen it first hand.

Naturally, Troy got in sooo much trouble. Mainly because he hit a girl. Pretty hypocritical of Jeremiah, but he was a "Do as I say, not as I do," type of parent. So, Troy was grounded for a month. That didn't stop me from sneaking in to the Otto's house every single night though. I'd take him desert and we'd stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning playing cards and board games.

Anyway, after Charlie's service, it was lunch time. I worked the line with my friend Gretchen, scooping globs of mac and cheese onto everyones' trays. Madison and Alicia were approaching, and I heard a community resident giving them a hard time. I felt bad for them, until Alicia said that people should be harassing Troy instead of them. Madison responded, 'I think they would be if they knew what he had done.' I know what Troy did was fucked up. That won't stop me from defending him though. Nothing will. I guess that makes me fucked up too; and I'm fine with that.

Both Madison and Alicia stopped abruptly, making eye contact with me. They realized I was serving, and that I most likely heard what they said. I tried not to let it show that it bothered me, but I know my eyes looked sad.

Gretchen broke the awkward silence with her subtle humor and kind words. Then she invited Alicia to attend one of her "Bible studies" (which was actually just a handful of our friends getting together to drink and smoke pot). There was no hiding Alicia's reluctance, but Madison practically made the decision for her to go. I'm grateful for it, because I need to figure Alicia out. Is she trustworthy? Could I see myself becoming friends with her?

***

About 2 hours later...

(Jake's POV)

How am I going to convince Troy that he needs to stay away from the Clarks? Ever since T.E. began he's been harder to control. I need Jaymie's help on this. She's the only person who has more influence on him than I do.

I find the two of them working together on mending one of the crops' fences. Both their faces are plastered with smiles. They kneel, preparing to wrap extra barbed wire around the bottom of a post. I can't make out what they're saying, but Jaymie throws her head back with a vivacious laugh. She nudges Troy with her shoulder, and he retaliates with a playful shove, causing her to topple over. She counterattacks by throwing a handful of dirt at him. They're honestly adorable.

It's a heartwarming sight to watch my brother in normal-human-being mode; and genuinely happy. Jaymie's good for him. Except on occasion she tends to enable his psychotic side. Though I'll admit that many times his semi-sociopathic behavior has been in her defense. He saw nothing wrong with it when he ki- ...never mind. I don't want to think about that. Anyway, the pros still outweigh the cons by a long shot, and they really are a good match. I kind of thought they'd have gotten together by now.

Troy offers Jaymie a hand and pulls her back to a kneeling position. She tries to wipe the dirt off that she threw at him, but she's actually making it worse since her hands are covered in soil. They're still laughing when I reach them.

Troy notices my presence and his smile falters slightly. "The boar's back. Keeps digging up the fence posts to get to the cabbage. Could use an extra pair of hands tracking it tonight."

May as well cut to the chase. "Stay away from Madison and her family."

"They're my friends."

"They came here under my invite. They trust me."

"They came here not to get eaten. I wouldn't flatter yourself."

Jaymie snickers at Troy's response, then looks at me with a grin she tries to suppress.

"Yeah, but they're staying cause I said I'd protect them- from you.

"And how are you going to do that?"

I knew this would be difficult. "Please don't do this, Troy. Please. I'm the one who still believes in you."

"Well I don't need you to anymore."

"Yeah, you do. If the ranch knew what you really are-"

"And what am I Jake?"

I look to Jaymie for an assist, but she's clearly upset with me. She stands and stalks toward me, grabbing my arm to pull me away from the scene. "What the hell would you say that for?!" She scolds me quietly.

"You know he broke in to Madison's cabin and threatened Nick?"

"And you're dumb enough to believe she's not over exaggerating?"

"Do you have any idea what he was doing at the depot? Do you?" Her expression is unreadable. "He was murdering people, Jaymie; timing how long it took them to change."

She sighs. "Yeah, yeah I know."

"Then why are you standing here upset with me?" I don't understand. She's acting like it was no big deal.

There's venom in her response. "Because of what you said to him back there, about what he is. You act like he's some kind of monster, Jake. He's your brother! Why would you say that?!"

I cannot believe what I'm hearing right now. So much for getting Jaymie on my side. I walk passed her and reapproach Troy. "Do you really think you were helping those people out at the depot?"

"I think I was helping all of us."

Alright. This is going nowhere. Let's try a different angle: "Troy, when Dad's gone, this is all on us. We have to take care of this place. We have to lead."

"Together." His tone sounds incredulous.

"Yeah. But I need you to do something for me. I need you to stay away from the Clarks. Do you hear me?"

"Yep. I hear you."

"Do you mean it?"

"I always mean it, Jake."

There's nothing more I can say. I turn to leave, and as I pass Jaymie, I beg her in a commanding tone, "Please help me with this. I need you on my side. Troy needs you on my side. He just doesn't realize it." She narrows her eyes at me with annoyed inquisitivity. "Just, think about it, alright?"

***

(Troy's POV)

Jaymie's so pissed off at Jake. She's always got my back. It doesn't matter who it is or what it's about. I know she doesn't agree with everything I've done. She does try and steer me in a different direction sometimes. I don't listen to her as much as I probably should, but whatever I end up doing, she never ever judges me. She's the only one. God, I love that girl... Wait, what?

"You alright?"

"Huh?" I didn't even notice she was by my side again.

"Forget what Jake said."

"Wasn't even thinking about it."

"Good." She gets back to helping me with the barbed wires, in silence, until, "Maybe we should both avoid Nick and Madison. Just for now?"

"Nah, I'm gonna have Nick help out with the boar tonight." I feel her looking at me. "It'll be fine, Jayms."

She considers my words for a moment then nods. "Alright. Well, I gotta get ready for Gretchen's Bible study. I'm gonna try and get to know Alicia; see what I think of her."

I give her a half-hearted smirk. "Have fun with that." I'm just bummed out she's leaving.

"I'll see you later?"

"Yeah. Later, Jayms." I watch her walk away, lost in the thought I had just a minute ago.

*******

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helloitsai · 4 years

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Letters to No One: Oreos - Yuo're my Type

It was almost midnight. We had that conversation where I was ranting about how I didn't like our friends' relationship. We agreed they weren't a good fit for each other — constantly getting jealous and whatnot. Then you said the words I didn't think would have been relevant now. After 5 years, that is.

"I guess first love never works out"

I guess you were the first.

You were the one I loved at the time.

But I guess it ended like how you said it would.

You and I never worked things out.

I'm single. That you should already know. I'm not trying to say anything — hell, the last thing I want in this world is a relationship. And this is not my whole "I won't fall in love" act I put on until I met you. I have commitment issues. That you should probably know.

And THAT you had back then.

It was a vague break up. You just moved on to another and I was expected to move on as well. And I did. Believe me, I already did

But now, looking back at all these letters I've wrote to people I call "strangers" now, I realized out of every single heartfelt letter, I guess you were and still is my type.

But I'm not into you.

I just like the idea of you.

Afterall, you were the only guy who apologized then, when it wasn't even your fault.

You apologized to me on behalf of the people who made fun of me, sent me explanations and even great songs at that.

You honestly cheered me up.

Hell, you apologized first before my boyfriend (who were way closer to the people who made fun of me, may I add) at the time did.

I didn't think much of it then, but looking back at it, I appreciate what you did wholeheartedly.

If in that song it goes "one taught me love, one taught me patience, and one taught me pain", when it comes to my dating history, I've learned all of that through you.

Thank you for the vague break up. It woke me up. I didn't realize it then but you were right — I was just staring at your image falling off of a cliff because I was too scared to say or do anything. It's painful though. How you managed to save yourself but left me hanging. But I needed it. I wouldn't have been the confident person I am if you didn't teach me to speak up and not hesitate in wanting to do things for the people I love.

Thank you for moving on. It took time, there's no denying that. It took almost 2 years of trying not to get partnered up for projects in fear of awkwardness and not talking at all, for us to finally be okay and send each other music we like. You don't do that anymore. Of course I have my pride in not initiating a conversation so I don't do that anymore — I mean, why would I?

You may be my type but I'm not into you, though I would definitely date your music taste.

Through you, I learned that even if things get bitter and sour in the long run, if we'll get around whenever, we'd get along. You ended up becoming that citrus friend in the song you recommended once, huh? Though, I don't think you even call me that; but let's save the sentiment and allow me to give you that label.

Thank you for being part of the many reasons why I ended up learning what type of love I deserve. Your girlfriend is lucky, for sure. After that apology, I realized why you two worked out.

You made me realize I needed someone who would not hesitate to speak up for me.

And that is the reason why I say you're my type.

Afterall, I finally stopped hesitating and I think I deserve the same love and confidence I gave out.

But I'm not into you. Please, my commitment issues won't allow me to get into a relationship until I've solved shit out myself.

Thank you.

We used to have this thing back then, it started with that same conversation of our friends' shitty relationship and me not wanting to tell you who my crush was unless you tell me yours first (which ended up in a hilarous and honestly adorable typo, by the way). This thing were conversations where we could share what was in the middle of an oreo cookie.

And here's feelings I've been wanting to tell you for a while. But of course, I have my pride in not initiating a conversation.

"I guess first love never works out"

I guess you were the first.

You were the one I loved at the time.

But I guess it ended like how you said it would.

You and I never worked things out.

I think, that even though we had a sort of mutual hatred for each other 2 years after the vagueness of this whole relationship,

I don't regret my first love ever being you.

🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋

hi im back and quarantine's got me fucked up to the point of writing again :) hence the new letters to no one. anyways, stay safe y'all!

twitter: @helloitsai

instagram: @helloitsai

#letterstonoone #helloitsai #honestly this whole letters to no one things kind of turning into a to all the boys story #please dont let my exes see these #oreos #letters #love letters #poetry #aesthetic #aesthetic moodboards #relationships #excerpt from a story i'll never write #an excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpt from my life

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