#who i haven't spoken to in like
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#maggot musings#its my birthday tomorrow so#I've been getting cards and shit#and i just got one from my dad#who i haven't spoken to in like#a year#and i haven't read it yet but ugh#i feel so shit? yknow?#and like having a shitty dad who i know hasn't#become a better person#sucks cos i want a dad#but i know it wouldn't be good for me to see him#cos he's abusive ! it'd fuck my head up#still makes me feel like shit#i dunno i want to read it but everytime i pick it up i get hit with like a#wave of nausea and i feel dizzy#i need to go to therapy my god
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Having bpd to me is like I'm the loneliest person on the planet, no matter how many people I talk to, no matter how many connections I make or have, I'm a lonely void who will die alone. I have to be talking to someone or with someone every second of every minute of every day. I love people so much, I need people. There's so many people out there with different things to teach you. And then, if I have to talk to one person for more than 6 seconds today, I'll kill them. I'll kill myself. I need to be left alone for the rest of the day, I need no one but myself to be happy. I don't want to partake in anything with anyone because it's all draining and taking out of my alone time. Everyone is the same, they're all boring and self-absorbed. Every conversation feels like I'm forcing myself to be actively present. I just want to be alone in my room with nothing or no one. I don't see a future where I'm happy with anyone other than being by myself.
#bpd#bpd vent#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#actually borderline#bpd splitting#lately I've just been slowly moving away from all my friends too#haven't spoken to anyone on insta for days despite usually talking to at least 2-3 friends every few days#irl sent me a video a week ago...never responded. I haven't even been feeling lonely really#I just KNOW when my period creeps up on me I'll be a whining sad piss baby who's openly pathetic about needing human connection#like I wish I just felt no need for it ever. it feels SO good to be alone and not have any obligations as a person#then the crippling loneliness of forever being alone seeps in when tbh I'm fine with it currently actually
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I hope they make a full-on sonic horror game like unironically
#ramblings#i don't mean that sonic.exe bullshit#i mean something that delves deep into the already established horrors of the sonic universe#the many manevolent gods and spirits only spoken of in legends#the hungry alien races that seek nothing more than to consume#the bloody massacres that occur just out of the public eye#there is. so much potential#honestly a horror game abt shadow and the arc massacre and stuff relating to the black arms is what i'd like to see the most#but something involving body horror like what dark gaia's energy did to sonic in unleashed#or stuff with the phantom ruby for psychological horror#i've already made a post like this haven't i#ah who cares i'll say it again I WANT GOOD SONIC HORROR
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I love love love the way you draw a swallow tail on Galacta <3
May I ask, would others be allowed to also draw the swallow tail or something similar on Galacta? Your comment of him needing additional help steering has got me thinking 👀
YES!!!! please draw him with the swallow tail!!!!!! PLEASE please please feed me birdlike-birdtailed galacta knight!!!!!! you can mention that my headcanons inspired it if you like but what you should reaaally do is ping me so that i can see it if you draw swallow tail galacta knight
swalltwail galtaca kinght. i'm normal about swallow taild galacta kngiht. swallow tailed galacta knight supremacy!!!
#swallow tailed galacta kngiht#swallwo tlaied glaacta gnktih#if i could gift one thing to the kirby fandom at large it would be this headcanon.#i just think he deserves a feathered tail. and swallow tails are the... can i say this... the sexiest bird tail? just objectively#among birders. pretty sure this is just like... universal birder opinion. haven't spoken to a birder who didn't think this#sorry magolor who i also gave a bird tail but peacocks and their tails are silly. you are just a silly little guy.#asks#galacta knight#edit: i see you said 'or something similar' and so yes you can draw any bird tail. any bird tail is better than none but for the reasons#i have stated above i do recommend.... swalow tail gltaatkcngigrht
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The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.
It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.
#red said#i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life#my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me#like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy.#anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is.#but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was#like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it#i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen.#I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles#and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences#and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma#obviously microtraumas build up but still.#then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma#is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING#told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip#and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain#until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position#and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific#and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with#like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex#out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage?#and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh#so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea#that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting.#like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.
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A very good article about how effective altruism is pretty much bullshit. The whole time I was reading it I was just like "why do they never ask the people what they want and need?" Cuz man. That's my everyday life. Randos deciding to "help" you by doing something that makes them feel good and screws up what I was doing at best, puts me in actual danger at worst.
#just blind things#effective altruism#make the fuckers pay their taxes jesus#that would do an incredible amount of good#always makes me think of my ex friend who would go to Africa to feel like a hero#and treated everyone here like the dirt under her shoes#I was literally a prop for her to feel like a good person after a point and I could tell#haven't spoken to her since she went full mask conspiracy asshole in 2020#and made fun of me about that right after my grandma died#rich people are shitheads and not real people
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Hello (again :6) !!!
#hola soy tora#aaaaah it feels interesting to be back#almost been a whole year!#and wow it's been rlly hectic#but that aside#hello (again) !!!#and super duper big thank you to the new milestone reached!!!#you guys are awesome#hope y'all are all good!!!#it'd be nice to catch up with the people who I haven't spoken to in so long😭#and also the biggest thank you to everyone who left me those sweetest comments you don't know how much they meant to me 🥹#like seriously thank you so much they were very much needed and well received#I'm not entirely sure how to use this blog again I feel like a ton has changed but I *think* I'm gonna make more gifs? but I think it'll#take a while cause I'm rlly not up to speed in anything at all#today was my final day (and exam!) for first year uni!#can you believe that? :0#anyways thank you so much for everything and I'd hope to be back gradually!#and upload my new pinned post!#I actually made a priv account here so I wasn't totally gone but that happened a good while into my hiatus ahahaa#lmk if you want in to the priv teehee#🫶#OH I ALMOST FORGOT#I HAVE#A RECS BLOG!#it's @scaramwah#teehee#<- I'll rb the pinned if you wanna check it out! it's sparse rn but I'm on holidays now so I can fill it up more!#actually I have a billion blogs I'll make some known in due course ☠️#( queued )#<- I'll be back tmrw ! today was tiring :(
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Hey guys. Sorry for being quiet for a month. Hopping on here to let y'all know that I do still have a pulse. Things have been... fine? I guess? Here's a bit of a wordy update on my situation right now, but the tl;dr is, I'm good, HE is still on hiatus, but I'll get back into the groove soon hopefully. Also happy holidays!
The mysterious and vague 'personal life stuff' is still ongoing, and I really don't know how long it'll be something that I have to deal with. I'm continuing to not elaborate because it is very much a personal life thing, but I can assure you that nobody's dying or anything grim like that.
On an only somewhat related note, my expendable income has shrank dramatically in the past few months, so I've been having to get a lot more stingy with what I spend money on. I'm not poverty stricken; I can still afford rent and bills and groceries and whatnot, I just gotta cut corners where I can so I can actually build up my savings.
What does this mean for Humanity's Endling? Well, it's... still on hiatus, technically. But really it just means I'm picking up more shifts than I'd usually care to, which means less time to actually work on it. If work were being done on it to begin with. I'm also cutting out my NSO subscription, which unfortunately means I will not be playing Splatoon 3 much at all anymore. Granted, I was kinda taking a break from it already, so it's not like I've been getting my money's worth of the subscription anyways. So if you were curious about my absence during this most recent Big Run, or the lack of a lengthy season observation/headcanon post like last time, that is why.
All of that said, it's not like I haven't been writing at all - just been hard focusing what creative juices I'm still able to generate given my situation on the accursed TTRPG I've mentioned in prior rambles, as that's an actively running thing that I kinda need to constantly pump stuff out for.
Speaking of which, I pulled a Super Mario Galaxy and wrote a whole ass children's book for the players to find as a lore thing. It was written with the intention of just being a normal children's book in a bubble, but when viewed with the context of the entire campaign thus far, takes on a completely different meaning. Which is to say, you don't need to know a damn thing about the campaign to appreciate the story - a theory I tested by having two people who aren't players read it.
One almost cried. The other actually cried. And when the players found it in our most recent session, one of them also cried, and we had to take a breather after the fact.
Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I feel like that's one hell of an achievement. So I am pretty proud of myself for that. If you guys are interested, I might clean it up a bit and post it either on Ao3 as an original work or just straight onto this tumblr. It's only about 2k words, so it should fit nicely in a single post.
That's all I can really think of to say at the moment. Again, even though I might seem a bit quiet, I am still here. I take a peek at tumblr at least once a day to see if anyone's sent any asks or anything like that, so don't be afraid to toss something into my inbox if you have a question.
Oh, and for the anon who sent an ask suggesting me to upload what I have of Act II done already - I don't exactly plan my stories in a linear fashion, nor do I write them as such either. It's closer to me thinking of the major moments I wanna do, plotting out how to connect them, refining, refining, refining, rearranging, refining, scrap half of what I have done, rearranging, suddenly having an epiphany, scrapping another chunk... yeah, it's a bit chaotic. I see what you're trying to say though, and I do appreciate the suggestion, but it can't really be done with the way I go about writing.
That's it from me. Happy Holidays. Play Cyberpunk 2077. It's a good game, I swear. Or Undertale Yellow if you own a toaster. It's me, I own a toaster. I played Cyberpunk on my brother's computer. Thanks, bro. Love you.
#The Adjudicator has spoken.#guess who isn't dead? that's right it's me!#also play armored core 6#also alan wake 2#haven't played either of those games but i want to#alan is so cool. he's a writer struggling with writer's block that loves his wife. man is just like me fr
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Me buying the village doctor starter set: omggg so cute, now my calico critters can get hurt and sick ❤❤❤❤
#<- spoken like someone who gets happy when their villagers in animal crossing get sick so they can give them medicine#calico critters#sylvanian families#i wanted to set up the house with the new bathroom set but its already getting late#also i think i know why i haven't been playing with my calico critters lately#i used to have a little room that the cats werent allowed in so i could always have my calico critters set up in there#but now i have to set them up in my bedroom in the way of everything and i need to put them away when im done#I'd love to have a room with a table that i can always have my critters out on#then i could have some like fake grass to put on the table#anyway. little miniature flocked anthropomorphic animals with their dollhouses and miniature furniture and trinkets my beloved
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Once again on my knees begging game developers to realize that if something is optional, there will be players who do not do that thing. If you aren't prepared for that... don't make it optional.
#remembering the person who wandered off from Lookout Crossing in ToTK without the paraglider#then got screwed when the game assumed they had it#but this is also specifically about BG3#like hey I haven't spoken to this companion#why did you give me shit in my quest log about them?#shit I've never heard about?
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🙃 love getting a mundane text from my father on the morning of my birthday that instantly ruins my mood before work. 🙃
#for the record we haven't spoken in MONTHS#idk getting calls and texts from him makes me spiral a little and idk how else to describe how foul and sick i feel#like thanks now I'm inexplicably holding back tears at work right before I'm supposed to clock in#like fuck off joe I don't want to talk to you#venting#personal#daddy issues who?#not me
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I want a hug from a friend tonight. I want to cry on a friend's shoulder for no reason.
Going to bed instead. Hold me to it.
#random personal stuff#regular Thursday plans got canceled#nearly had dinner with the other friend who was available#except she wasn't after all for reasons beyond her control#and I haven't spoken to anyone in over 24 hours#frequently that is very necessary#but it would be nice to interact in person with a loved one and maybe feel more like a human#I probably just need sleep good night everyone#maybe I'll call my mom tomorrow#my family still wants to talk to me right? maybe?
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Picture this: Eddie and Steve trudging through the Upside Down, walking quite a few paces behind the girls. Eddie circling back around to the subject of music in a nervous attempt to keep things light-hearted because they’re walking through almost-literal-Hell right now and this isn’t doing much good to soothe his anxiety. With every word Steve says- from his confused questioning of heavy rock artists to his confirmation of loving Toto -Eddie looks a little more horrified.
“You’ve gotta listen to people with some stage presence-”
“Who cares about stage presence over the radio?”
“It’s a whole different angry loud beast! Has no one tried to show you the ways of the performance artist?”
Steve’s eyes get distant at that, thinking of another mullet-headed man. Eddie doesn’t quite notice.
“You can even call it glam-rock if you want! I’m sure you like that, Mr. The Hair. It’s all about the theater. Like... Alice Cooper!”
“What… she hot?” Steve asks, suddenly snapping back into it.
“It’s a dude. And he rocks. He sings this song called I Love the Dead and on stage he gets his head chopped off and then the executioner picks up the severed head and makes out-”
“Ew, god that’s gross dude, don’t talk about that-”
“It’s sick and twisted and awesome. It’s all- hold on hold on.”
Eddie gets his hands in position then, posing over a non-existent guitar around his chest as he pretends to play it, more so wailing than singing the words in time with his fake accompaniment.
“I love the dead~”
Steve makes a grossed out face at that.
“I love the dead~”
And in the background, the real guitar starts to fade into the soundtrack, vocals sparking up behind Eddie’s acapella performance.
“I love the dead~” Eddie sings again, getting closer to Steve- to sing it into his ear this time- while Steve shoves at him and tells him to knock it off. That’s when they bump into the girls ahead of them, Steve cussing quietly and asking them what they think they’re doing.
The song is building steadily behind them, a guitar riff wailing as the two boys shift their focus to where the two girls are gawking. Their jaws drop, Eddie being the first to speak:
“Isn’t that?”
“It can’t be-” Nancy whispers.
“Holy shit.” Robin croaks.
And Steve takes a few steps forward, pushing past the girls to stare with wide, shocked eyes at: “Billy?”
And then there stands Billy, backlit for a quick second by a shock of lightning, looking a little worse for wear with his blood-stained shirt, face hardened and hand wrapped tightly around a gnarly looking crowbar, the song in the background now loudly singing I love the dead as he stares the rest of the teens down.... before he cracks an amused but snarling sort of grin.
“Miss me?”
#and all the antis scream NO lmfao#billy hargrove#harringrove#stranger things 4#stranger things spoilers#writing#why am i so scared to tag literally anyone else#lmfao i came across quite a few antis in the wild the other day scrolling through the eddie tag#lemme wait a bit to#anyway tell me this isn't a scene that could have TOTALLY happened#was thinking about Eddie talking about Ozzy#then thinking about this song by Alice Cooper#and how perfect it is for Who We Thought Was Dead Billy#plus we all know the duffs love to do this thing where they play a song then end the scene on like a little cliffhanger with that song#to scene change to one of 5 other groups of people running around lmfaooo#anyway anyway#this song is real dead dove territory so maybe skip this one for your casual listening pleasure if you haven't heard it already!#i did a report on Alice Cooper's stage performances in high school#it actually made a dude ask me to senior prom even though he had never even spoken to me before#but that's a DIFFERENT story#for another time#also sorry for insinuating Toto doesn't have stage presence#but they're not biting bats heads off now are they??? huh??????? 😂
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CURSE THIS MORTAL FORM I WISH TO WRITE
#I want to write so bad but I am 'tired' as my doctor calls it#(I have been up for an inordinate amount of time)#but also I have my best ideas when I'm sleep deprived........#mutuals who understand what this means: i am completely reworking my housewife au...... like a fool#BUT I HAVE BETTER MOTIVATIONS NOW#for them I mean#I spent six months studying fucked up dynamics in a different fandom to come back and use it for this#I want to talk abt it in the discord but like I haven't spoken in so long 👉🏼👈🏼#so I'm just chasing my own tail and trying to get myself to write!!!#bunny speaks#bunny vents#(gently)
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Not to be dramatic, but my younger sister off-handedly telling me someone I hadn't spoken to since 5th grade remembered our cringey co-existing youtuber phases and conversations legitimately changed my life
#I'm so serious it like#completely altered the way I think of myself in relation to others??#like ig for like forever I just kinda thought people forgot?? abt me?#like I would assume 'oh we haven't spoken in 7 years they prob don't know who I am anymore haha'#but I remember them#so ofc it makes sense they remember me#but no it like altered my brain chemistry fr#now when I'm like 'oh this person prob doesn't care that much abt me' I think 'well I care abt them why shouldn't they care abt me?'#I don't know how well I'm explaining this#but it made me realize that the way I feel abt others is proportional to how they feel abt me#like I am not alone in holding onto these small moments#the people I shared them with hold on too#smooziespeaks
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ya'll i got a practicum!!!!!!!
#out.#cancer mention /#sibling death mention /#i haven't really spoken about this to anyone other than laura and dax but my sister passed away at the beginning of may and we found out#literally two days later that my mom most likely has lung cancer#so it's been probably the hardest couple months of my life and i've been just WRECKED and i thought about dropping out more than once#because i was in such a low place mentally where just. Nothing Mattered and I Didn't Care#but i was just accepted to this amazing placement where i get to work with kids in foster care and foster families and it just feels so#right and i'm just having a Crying Moment because everything has been SO much but i'm so profoundly grateful and EXCITED and i haven't been#able to really feel that in awhile Because of Everything#it's really everything i've wanted as someone who really wants to work with kiddos specifically kiddos in care#plus it's seven minutes away from home which was a big concern given i don't know what's going to happen with my mom going forward and i'm#her primary caregiver (she's 89 besides Everything)#funnily enough literally right next door to my sister's church which like. i'm not religious (big christian family don't practice not into#it you know) but it was a place she loved and that feels nice#ANYWAY THIS WAS A RAMBLE but i'm just feeling a lot of things and wanted to put them down somewhere#now that i've gotten a placement and i have that stress off my shoulders i would love to be around more#grief /#death /#depression /
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