#which is shitty. fuck off man
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will I get banned if I post shirtless non top surgery transmasc ppl. will I get in trouble for that
#im like trying to think very carefully abt what klavvy doodles to share akdgdkxjlxhcjc#bc like i obviously think its chill i draw it lol#and its not like im trying to be. weird about it#im also trans (i guess masc) and i dont have top surgery and dont rlly plan on to#i prommy im not trying to be weird about it u gotta believe me 🥺🥺🥺 i just have pride in my body ok#so ive been drawing characters that are like me bc. i think its cool#but i dont think ive ever shared any of my drawings of shirtless ppl. ever#except one funny doodle but that doesnt count#i want to share my guys with top surgery scars and guys that dont but i get nervous abt sharing them still#esp the latter bc theres the whole . feminine presenting breasts thing#which is shitty. fuck off man#and i rlly dont think shirtless ppl of any gender should be considered n.sfw when theyre just. shirtless#but alas idk i might get in trouble regardless of how i view it#maybe i can share klav in bra but that makes me even more nervous bc it might seem like I'm trying to sexualize that in a weird way#WHICH AGAIN. I WEAR BRAS TOO im the same 😭😭😭😭😭#agh agh. can i get shirtless trans rights in here.#rando thoughtz
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just realised that i started playing assassins creed 8 years ago almost exactly to the day........ literally a third of my life
#ezio auditore has been my favourite character for a third of my life. what the fuck#longest running blorbo of all time. my best friend my special lil guy my short king my bloodied and beaten shell of a man#first time i played ac was just before my 16th birthday- my dad was taking me to paris for the weekend and we had to set off in the middle#of the night so i figured there was no point going to sleep. so i found ac2 on his xbox and remembered watching my brother play it#when we were little#and i thought sure i'll give it a go. and played for 8hrs straight#and then i was HOOKED#every weekend when i went to my dads me and my sister would play ac for hours#i was thinking about it Non Stop i think it was my first major hyperfixation and tbh i dont think any since then has been as intense#as a reward for my gcses my mum bought me an xbox so i could play at hers too#i played almost the whole series and read pretty much every book#i even developed a love of art history- which im now thinking about studying at university- because of ac2#anyway all this to say i turn 24 this week and i havent played ac in months but it still had such a huge impact on me#during some kinda shitty years of my life and i think it will always feel like a big part of me#which is kinda nice i think
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thinking.. jay can be so undiagnosed-until-adulthood autism coded <3
#i don’t have the words for this nor explicitly the like. scenes slash proof to point to im just right#she just generally Masked So Good she didn’t even realize shit was up til like#a GOOD WHILE on the albatross w the other two#and being in that Open Neurodivergent space she starts to unmask more and connects the Dots#and has like a Oh Shit. Huh. moment#< is not projecting any here btw /lying#but yeah. chip was. stereotypical adhd young boy syndrome and even if never Diagnosed they Know#while gill also probably never was diagnosed he’s just fuckin autism man look at him#so being on Chip’s shitty lil crew and having him be like ‘eh go wild so X’ invites the other two to chill more#and. yeah <3333#ANYWAY uh. speaking of the proof thing beyond projection it’s like#how she bounces off. other ppl? like#you see it Best in bits or the like but she bounces off the energy the other person gives#often in stupid fucking ways (a la shooting gillion for fun or the cinnamon rolls)#OR HELL EVEN!!!#her mocking chip is intentionally her mirroring Chip’s early behavior— she observed how he interacted + bonded w ppl and emulates it#(which could also tie into her not Noticing how Chip’s kind of hurt by it— she doesn’t think to check#bc she learned/observed the behavior FROM him)#anyway. tldr jay masking queen but I Know <3#og post
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testosterone meeting complete?!?!?!?!???!!!
#it went well the doctor was so much better than any doctor i’ve met ever in my life#treated me like a human being?? was familiar with my pre-existing conditions??#saw autism on my chart and just acknowledged it and moved on?? no ‘‘are you sure you’re trans you’re just a confused autistic kid’’ ??!!#i have an informed consent paper to look at now but it’s all stuff i’ve already researched#i have officially decided that T is more important to me than biological children so we got this#(i was already basically there but i had an anxiety spiral a couple months ago about freezing my eggs which i’ve confirmed was just anxiety#‘‘just anxiety’’ i sound like a fucking evil doctor but like. intrusive-thoughts-anxiety vs thing-i-should-listen-to. i don’t want bio kids#the one thing i’m nervous about is my singing voice i wanna make sure i get some recordings in before my voice changes#cause my voice isn’t mine but i’ve sure worked hard on it shdhdf and it has a high pitched anxious quality to it that you can’t often find#shdhdhf i just feel like the voice i have now is more unique than wherever i’m gonna end up. and i really want to sound like my favorite cis#men musicians but i feel like my anxious songs just won’t hit the same if it sounds like some guy is singing them#so i’m gonna make some recordings within the next month to put out pre-T demo versions of my songs (real demos not what i’m always posting)#and then i’ll be ready. cause i want to sound like some weird shitty man SO BAD. please just let me be some off-key guy with voice cracks#TO BE CLEAR i would sure like to be a talented singer on testosterone. which has happened for one of my dearest friends and can probably#also happen for me. if i keep working on my voice all the time. BUT i would rather have a shitty low voice than a beautiful high one#which i did a lot of thinking about and grappling with since i’m a vocalist and it’s kind of really important to me#but half the male musicians i listen to can’t even hold a tune. so I CAN HANDLE IT#anyway!! i’m going to latin now!! and then i have work and then asexual club and then heading home and maybe laundry#i hope everybody has a good day and i love you dearly#me. my post. mine.#delete later#medical cw#(? ask to tag)
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me internally when i’m trying to respect and recognise that my dad has unaddressed autism that impacts the way he handles social interractions while also trying to not just excuse the shitty insensitive behaviour that has absolutely contributed to my mental health issues
#it’s like. haha yeah he handled that situation terribly but remember it wasn’t intentional and he doesn’t understand how that came across!!#i can’t be mad at him i can’t take it personally and get upset haha. hahaha.#and also it’s like. being autistic isn’t an excuse to be a dick. being autistic doesn’t mean you have to like. emotionally damage ur kid ✌🏻#which i AM. growing up with him has fucked me up!!! and i’m allowed to be mad at that i’m allowed to be upset!!!!!!!!#but also oh god is that shitty of ME??? is that insensitive???? do i need to just be more empathetic and understanding#but ALSO also. when ur a kid that shit doesn’t matter. when ur a kid and ur dad is making you cry that doesn’t matter.#and those years of damage stick with you even when ur older and trying to be mature and understanding#literally this evening started with me trying to do something nice for him. trying to give him a gift. actually literally giving him a gift.#and it has ended with me feeling fucking….. shit.#and disrespected. and useless.#i try so fucking hard with this man and with our relationship and every fucking time i try to connect with him he throws it back in my face#like. hey! you’ve been saying how much you want to play gran turismo 7!!! i will loan you my PS5 for a while bcus i’m not playing anything#and i will BUY YOU the fucking car game for you to play it while me and my mum are away on our girlie beach holiday#like i will happily and enthusiastically do those things for you because you have been so vocal about wanting to play this game!!!#so it will make you happy right? it will be something positive for you to enjoy!!! right?!!!????#i will bring my console down to the family tv room for you and i will send you the money so you can buy the game!!!!#oh. oh you’ve clicked around the main playstation menu for 2mins and then turned it off to watch the news. and then just open ur laptop.#not even gonna buy the game huh. just gonna open ur laptop and zone out and act line i’m not even in the room. oh ok. ok ok.#not even a fucking thank you. not even a HINT of recognition. ok ok. ok. ok. now you’re literally ignoring me when i talk to you. ok. ok.#and like!!!! i know this seems so dumb and minor and insignificant but you have to understand. it has been 25 years of this shit.#25 years of me trying to make this man happy and 25 years of him rejecting all of those attempts.#and 25 years of……. a lot of other shit also.
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have filled six and a half pages of an a5 notebook for job interview potential questions and ideas for answers so far and my hand hurtsssss and the nerves are reallllllll
#it's like i am shitting myself but in a way that it's like. i'm not shitting enough?#i think this is the stress level that normal people get but it's like. that's weird for me. a stressed person.#maybe i've hit my limit. i have so much to do i can't care enough about getting this job lol#idk. it's like i have prepared SO little up until now that i really am just putting faith in my own ability#and that's it's own type of scary but also freeing?? like i haven't had a chance to put the right effort in so i can only be me?#and if i flunk it then i will be better next time considering this can literally just be practice#god. i mean w/ less than 24 hours notice when i still have to teach that's rough right? i hope they're chill about it#and bc i am LITERALLY right now at that school doing the job they'd be hiring me for that they like. forgive nerves and shittiness#and give me the job anyway?? fingers fucking crossed eh#god i hope they're easy questions. as i understand it i'll get the questions a bit before to prepare? which is like. both good and bad.#that's more pressure. oh man. okay so this tag ramble has gone too long and i am cutting myself off to sleep.#or at least to somehow find interview appropriate clothing in my wardrobe bc idk how to look presentable anymore 🫠#my post tag
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I hate like 80% of my tag actually
#➳ the fool speaks#(''my'' = ''ryu.uto suz.uki's'')#i keep seeing shit hating on ko.koa like uu do realize in source i most likely would have hit you for saying vile shit about her riiight#i mean ok I - me - aqua - the fool as a whole maybe wouldn't have but that one fragment ? oh uu bet uur ass#and then there's so many tagging stuff as ob.slove or ya.ncore which i have blocked (triggers bpd and BADLY at that)#but thennnn sometimes I clicky the forbidden fruit anyways bc I Wanna See The Me Content and it's#nawt even . anything . ob.slove-y ????? one of them was just a couple of panels w me and ko.koa . looking at eachother#can people nawt make eye contact anymore or . . . . . what's going on here sweetie#but oh my GOD i should get paid every time i see people have a vile shitty ass take about ko.koa like fuck off man oh my GOD#and every ko.koa ever should get paid x1000 whatever amount i get for evrry time someone generally says weird shit abt her actually#like ????? the fuck did she do to uu#ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY LIKE *ME* LIKE ???? HELLOOO ???????? why in the WORLD would i date UU when uu are saying all this shit abt ko.koa 🤨#like . even just strictly sticking to source . biiiiitch ryu.uto would haaaate uu if uu said some of the shit I've seen ppl say abt ko.koa#directly to his face . like . where's the logic . and also Oh My God uu don't need to ''save'' me from her as i said fuck offffffffff it#isn't like we're both perfect little saint angels we both did some shit but acting like i need to be SAVED ????#as i said and in short - fuuuuuck offff xoxo <3
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am i really about to fucking sit here on my day off and rewatch fucking infinite darkness
lord help me
#it occurred to me that i remember almost nothing of ID#i remember the ending really well because it pissed me off because leon's justification for what he was doing made no fucking sense#and i remember the blink and you'll miss it ashley cameo#and i remember that scene in that shitty apartment where leon hauls off and fucking murders a man#(well no he lived but for A GOOD CHUNK OF TIME the show leads you to believe he's dead)#because my heart rate kicked up and my breath caught in my throat#because that was the single hottest thing i've ever seen leon do in this entire fucking series#and it took me by surprise because like#ID came out during a time in which my focus was not on RE at all#and hadn't been for like#YEARS AND YEARS by that point#and now suddenly out of nowhere i'm sitting there fanning myself#and looking up at my monitor with my eyes wide and a scandalized little smile as my jaw hangs open#just all like#'mr. kennedy you behave yourself *i am a lady*'#but that's it that's all i remember about infinite darkness LMAO
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Playing through Explorers of the Spirit and catching up to where I was... and I'm sorry I mean no disrespect, but it really comes across like the modder never got over their beef with chatot from 10 years ago and is using the opportunity in the game to vent about how much he sucks and why the guild is bad actually
#i mean. yeah hero is meant to be an asshole and all and they get consequences for their behavior and its all meant to be uncomfortable#but im told the chatot stuff doesnt really improve. and like. im sorry he would not fucking say all that#free my man he did do things but not all that#idk i feel like people miss the point of chatot's character? hes a ball of anxiety that manifests as anger and deflection#and he tries to cover it up with pride and it only works like 5% of the time. also hes not the one behind the money rule#hes like. a higher up thats stretched super thin and is managing a lot at once and he has a shitty bedroom sldfldsf#hes under a lot of stress and it pushes him to do terrible things#but like i said earlier- its not terrible to watch because hes not seen as awesome and perfect for this#the apprentices still respect him but they make barbed comments at him and even wigglytuff is like ''ew hes lame'' during the expedition#he has consequences for his behavior! they know hes an ass and they lean into it. and thats better than nothing to me#idk. hes a complex and flawed guy. i find him compelling. i get why people may not like him tho#but its definitely weird to be like. ''oh hes a horrible man he lies by omission to manipulate you into joining the guild-#-and hes super lazy and he pawns off his work onto you and hes ruined careers and hes PROUD of it and he giggles over it-!''#you did not get the point of his character. by ''pawning off work'' you mean delegating tasks which every apprentice does#also not to victim blame or anything ig but like. damn its not his fault hero joined the guild on a whim sdlkfjsdf#idk. it comes across as really hollow to me like the author just wanted to stick it to chatot after all these years#and it makes the whole thing as like an epilogue au thing to the canon story feel less authentic to me#idk its just a mod but i feel like this is just a common thing ppl push on chatot. he sucks but not like that#echoed voice
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😒
#myevilposts#sighing so loud.#g-d i'm so pissed off. i hate misandrists soooo much i especially hate when they deny that that's what they are.#or act like they are somehow valid bc one (1) man was abusive towards them.#like honey my mom was both physically and mentally abusive to me and i don't hate women. it's very easy to not be a dick actually.#once again. what they should actually be angry about is the systemic issue of the patriarchy or their single abusive man.#not men as a whole. like it's so easy.#it's actually so easy to just hate shitty men and not men as a whole. btw.#also i can't believe people think my struggles to be included in discussions about pregnancy due to uninclusive language#(which is very very much a trans issue.) isn't real just because i'm a man.#honey. i have a womb. i can in theory get pregnant. i don't want to be misgendered and excluded from a conversation#that literally fucking applies to me and is important to my physical and mental health and well being. just because i'm a man.#i am being oppressed in this situation. that is what transandrophobia is.#like is the fact that people are calling pregnancy and abortion 'women's issues' and i'm like 'hey. those things apply to me#and i'm a trans man. please use inclusive language that doesn't misgender and/or exclude me.' and people are#like 'ugh shut up you're literally a man. you should deal with being excluded from this conversation.#that literally fucking applies to you and being misgendered by our language.' actually like progressive?#like do you think it's progressive to say that me getting misgendered and excluded from a conversation due to#cisnormativity is fine. because oh i'm a man. men aren't ever treated like shit ever.#when i am quite literally being shat on for being a man in this situation. despite it literally including me.#transphobia tw#like don't you all literally see that what you're saying is that misgendering is ok just because i'm a man?#and that my having to deal with pregnancy and abortion is invalid? just because i'm a man. and acting like that's a progressive thing#to say??? like literally stoppp. you are literally telling me. who is trans. and being oppressed bc i am trans.#that the transphobia that is specifically targeting me. bc i am trans. isn't real. bc i am a trans MAN specifically.#and like yes. i experience transandrophobia in real life. it is not just an 'online' issue bc no form of transphobia is.
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Ppl on Tumblr will really sit here and act like sexuality can't actively be flexible or change over time. like okay lmfao
#like okay. i get in a way where these ppl are coming from and i understand having a rigid view of your OWN sexuality#but you cant push that on others and thats never how its worked#queer means a lot of fucking things#and a lot of ppl w/ rly flexible identities use that word too#yall love 'breaking the binary' until its shit like this and then you go down screaming that its homophobic#and that its r*pe????????? y'all#on that last point. im a generally sex repulsed asexual and i have sex. thats not r*pe. holy shit#yall are on some shit fr this is ridiculous#and yes im vagueblogging that one shitty queer theorist post going around bc i can guarantee if i said any of this#on that post id get called homophobic. which is frankly fucking ridiculous#without going too much into my own sexuality situation i just. idk man that shit frustrates me deeply#and feels like its working backwards#if you read the paragraph their quoting its rly not that bad and i seriously think ppl are either overreacting or just being assholes#yall are too much!!!!!!#ppl have fluid sexualities and identities thats just the fucking nature of being queer#and literally if you have identified as one thing your whole life good for you. sincerely#but i don't subscribe to that gold star ass mentality whatsoever#the topic is definitely way more nuanced than this but ive had enough getting mad on the internet for today lol#if you are also gonna be a tightass about the definition of QUEER of all things literally fuck off and goodbye. dont need that energy here#roach.txt
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RP:
Log 224
FTL: I am officially declaring the eradication of FTLR-3 a success. In reality, it should never have even taken this long. It wouldn't have, if FTLR-3 were a normal Rot. But my incredibly cobbled-together and extremely risky plan worked. I've also gotten confirmation about Songs of the Negative Sunlight's state as of now. It all worked out, I should be some form of relieved right now.
FTL: Yet for some reason, I am not. I suspect that Songs of the Negative Sunlight's logs had a more... jarring effect on me than I'd thought. I will not dwell upon it, it is in the past now.
FTL: To describe how the success of the plan went is simple. The Locator pushed FTLR-3's container into the Void, made sure my Overseer was looking, and then waited until the start of the next cycle to confirm that it didn't come back. It, in fact, did not.
FTL: The sense of urgency is gone, and now that I've learned to live with it, it is rather strange. I suppose that could be the feeling that is often described as the aforementioned relief. It could also be said this this was all somewhat of an underwhelming conclusion.
FTL: The question is, what do I do now? I've got my list of potential experiments, yes, but. In all honesty, I think I might just take a break for a cycle. Reply to all the messages I've missed while all this was happening, talk with my Local Group about Songs of the Negative Sunlight.
FTL: It is rather pathetic of me to allow myself to even consider pausing like this, nevermind actually doing it. Though I am pathetic in the first place for messing up so badly.
FTL: To conclude, it's... strange. I feel as though I should have learned something from all this, and maybe I did. I do not truly know. Nor do I particularly care, it doesn't matter at all.
FTL: I will be getting back to my experiments the cycle after this one.
#yea this took so long to write cause ive been playing clangen for the past five hours#time has lost any smidgen of meaning that it had remaining#it is currently 4:13#thank gods that its a weekend#this one is kinda meta for no reason lol#yea sry this log is really really shitty#ftl is tired im tired were all tired and that results in bad writing yknow#gods i hope im not messing up his character too much#cause ive been planning out further plot in which SOME sort of character developement happens#which does render writing ftl at this point in the timeline moderately confusing#man why the fuck do i type like ftl when im tired#maybe bcs i literally based ver typing style off of exactly that#mmm probably#alright im going to sleep#sry for how underwhelming this ending is#rp#finely-tuned line#ftl logs
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these days r fucking crazy bc im seriously like. so much is going on and every time i accomplish one major thing i feel 2 seconds of relief then im like oh fuck we still going. like i decided my college and i was like holy shit that’s over with. and then i had my research presentation and i just concluded that officially today and i was like holy shit that’s over with. and then i have a solo on tuesday and two ap tests on tuesday and thursday and then another presentation the following week and all that is like okay when i’m done with THAT. then i’m good. and now i’m sitting here and somehow the most stressful thing is turning in my point cards for a volunteer org i do through my school
#nightmare.personal#they are due on friday and i have 9/10 points with no clear way to get the last one. Awesome#and it's like. if i don't graduate with my fucking cord for this that's okay#but there's something inherently shitty about how this sem i haven't been able to do activism stuff#not my fault mixture of technology problems and also the horrors but like#i just havent done a ton of activism and volunteer work and that feels bad man#but also part of this was out of my control because i consistently did not know when meetings were so i couldn't keep up w#anything so. anyway TLDR this is somehow really stressful#also i dont wanna piss off the teacher who organizes this club bc#she's very blunt about emotions and not against being pissy to my face#which i deeply respect but also dont wanna make her life hard yk#so. anyway. lets see if i can get this last point somhehow lol
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also both of my friends being literally the first people to point out my voice dropping :') ♥♥♥
#i mean one of them told me i sounded like a 40 y.o chain smoker which fuck off but still sjhdfjkhsd#AND pointing out my shitty stache ♥♥♥♥#tani's personal shit#one of them is pretty anti hormones and shit but she still supports me and MAN is she better at doing that than my own sister#thats sad#but whatever im still v happy ♥#gnight
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hi👋 genuine question why do you never (or very rarely) reblog from other blogs? like why do you not even reblog pics from update accs but instead post them yourself? just curious
hii i'll be honest with you i really need to follow new people. in the past few months i haven't really been active on tumblr (in the sense that i log on, post my shit and log out) because life's been very life and when i do go to my dash it's mostly people blogging about fandoms that i'm not really in. as for the update accounts i honestly don't know grjfhfhf like usually if there's something happening (like the premieres) i'll also be on twitter or instagram or whatever and post what i get from there idk if i'm making sense but yeah. i used to be a bit more active few months ago and i do miss that but just. a lot going on and yeah
#i'm being very disassociated from everything basically and it's been not very easy these past few months#i treat my blog like an archive of sorts like a fandom archive to remind myself of what made me happy#which is why you'll see me posting my shit and dipping#i also see posts and want to rb them and say a lot in the tags but that overwhelms me so much so i just like it and forget to rb#i know i've been a shitty blogger but my life is quite literally fucking me in the ass rn and fandom is a reprieve#and i don't want to overwhelm myself too much by overthinking about that too i suppose#idk man. i might go off tumblr for a while :/#non non
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hey hey ... Hey to answer the question "if chim were played by a white man would you still defend the character the way you do?" the answer is we wouldn't have to hope that clears some stuff up
#txt#this is at local fucking idiot racist tumblr user authornicolettethomas btw#i wont mention details if u are at ur limit for fucked up racism but. absolute mind boggling stuff#the FACT which has BEEN fact since the dawn of fucking time is that white people in real life and white characters within fandoms#do NOT receive the same scrutiny or judgment as people and characters of colour#they are simply not held to the same standard#buck has done just as much if not more shitty things as chim and eddie and when has he EVER received this vitriol?#u have to be fucking stupid to think chimney being a white man would get this same treatment like for fucking real#tw racism#some people in this fandom need to have their internet cables fucking cut#newsflash btw ur racism in fandom isnt just fiction its a very obvious indicator of how you think about real life people#its not enough to bully these people i need to manifest in their homes#and also authornicolettethomas theres no need ot get into some trauma face off#i actually cant touch on the way that part of the 'essay' made me want to pull my brain out through my ears but i'll tell u what#i am not trauma dumping on tumblr dot com stay safe#sorry#god is this what every hiatus is like
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